#and it’s lonely! I want to do shit with my friends! I don’t want to be beholden to my fucking disability for everything
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Astro observations pt1
Saturn in the 5th house:
Saturn in the 5th house people do not like children.
It sounds horrible, but they actually do😭
But I’m not saying that they’re psychopaths: Saturn in the 5th house people are like old people who doesn’t like loud noises, and guess who makes loud noises? Children!
10th house Sun:
10th house Sun people crave attention, they practically live for it. They love it when they get appreciated for a project or something related to their careers: it makes up a huge part of their identity
So please pat your 10th house Sun friend on the back for a project they worked their asses off: they’ll appreciate it a lot
Pluto conjunct Ascendant:
They look like they’ve seen shit.
Someone I know who has this aspect always gets asked if their family is doing okay because of this aspect😭
Also they look like they can keep secrets very well. So they have a lot of secrets, because people tell them their secrets very often.
Men with hard aspects to their mars(squares, oppositions) are red flags to me. And if they have a moon aspect that’s also badly aspected? Run, girl, run😭 Chances are that he might cheat on you or hit you🚩
Lilith 9th house:
They question god a lot. It doesn’t mean that they don’t believe in god, actually Lilith 9th housers are fascinated with their religion. They seem to have a good grasp of religion from an early age because of that.
But often than not, they could create a version in their heads of god that is quite different from the concepts that we learn in church. They love saying thought-provoking questions about god and religion.
Your Venus sign and house placement+ your Juno(3)sign+house placement can tell you a lot about your type.
Ex) I have Venus in Capricorn in 12th house and Juno in Sagittarius in 10th house: Kendall Roy( from succession)
He is my favorite character. I had a crush on him since I was little. He gives off an endearing vibe, Venus in 12th house people likes that in a guy
Contemporary politicians all seem to have prominent Jupiter/Neptune influence in their charts: Jupiter/Neptune placements in your charts can give you luck(winning elections) but also delusions and unclear thinking
Are we all doing okay?😭
Ex. Emmanuel Macron(president of France since 2017) is a Sagittarius Sun. He has Sun conjunct mercury opposite Jupiter . He also has Neptune in the 10th house,.
Boris Johnson has Jupiter opposite Neptune
Joe Biden has Neptune in 10th house. He also has Jupiter trining his sun and mercury and Venus . He also has Neptune sextiling his sun and Venus and ascendant
Yoon suk yeol(current president of SK) is a sag stellium(sun, moon, mercury) and has Jupiter trining his Neptune, but opposing his mars.
Lilith in 5th house+a difficult mars placements(square, opposition) can make you have weird kinks in bed🤭
Saturn in the 3rd house in a solar return chart is a tough placement to have. You might feel really lonely. You might feel cut off from your friends this year. Your communication skills might hit a new low this year.
But remember, this is a Saturn placement: all of this can be improved by hard work. If you want to know what to work on, check the planets that aspect your Saturn
Ascendant conjunct Mars in SR chart(especially if mars is in the 12th house)
could be bad for you 😭contrary to the popular belief that it makes you more assertive
It can make you susceptible to illness or infections. So if you have this placement in your sr chart, try to stay as healthy as possible.
Leo moons are so endearing to me: They are kinda dorky and cute even if they don’t know it. They’re really close with their moms as well.
Aries moons are so pure. They always think for themselves and their thoughts are so interesting to me. They never hold back and they are so bold in their thinking. They are so fun to talk to.
Uranus in the 1st house people are used to being an outcast: something about them is so different and they don’t seem to fit in at all with a group.
Pisces signs are notorious for being delulu but have you ever met a mars in Pisces?Their actions revolve around their delusions(big dreams) and if they don’t get to make their aspirations come true, they’ll get so sad sometimes.
Like or reblog if you want a part two
#astro notes#astro observations#astrology readings#astrology tumblr#astro placements#astrology blog#astro posts#juno#hbo succession#kendall roy#lilith#kendal roy#uranus 1st house#uranus in houses#solar return chart observations#solar return chart#venus signs#saturn in 5th house#saturn#mars#neptune#jupiter#lilith in 5th house
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I actually hate hate hate that I can’t do impromptu hangouts or multiple event hangouts. I need things scheduled and I can only really do one thing before I start shutting down.
#els.txt#it actually really bothers me bc my friends will want to do several things in one sitting but I can’t fucking do that#my body cannot handle that#I can do what we talked about bc that’s what I have allocated the energy for. and I need more than a day to get that energy#and it makes me feel like a shitty friend bc sometimes they’ll want to do something else and I just… I just can’t.#and I have to reschedule so I feel like a massive fucking flake#and it’s lonely! I want to do shit with my friends! I don’t want to be beholden to my fucking disability for everything
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Not to make “tag vent sunday” a thing but Idk how I can go from having a great string of days where I feel happy and confident to just. Randomly fucking dropping. And feeling like the actual worst.
#okay so here’s the thing#QB and I have been doing lil activities online lately#which helps him with his stuff he has going on and helps me to not feel fucking lonely all the time#bc i had another hangout friend but I Very Much Screwed That Up Tee-Bee-Aych#so I’ve been late to most hangouts. i constantly have little issues pop up where I’m so sure I’ll piss him off#friday night like an hour into the hangout I went ‘idk how to say this but like i recgonize I’m being quiet and if you want me to talk more#please lemme know’ and he told me that he was having some worries attached to that so we talked things out and it was fine#ITS ALWAYS FINE#AND SOMETIMES THAT IS WHAT PUTS ME ON EDGE OR MAKES ME START FUCKING CRYING (off call) WHICH IS EMBARRASSING TO ADMIT BUT LIKE#LOOK I LOVE THAT HE’S PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING. ONLY OTHER PERSON I KNOW WHO HAS THAT LEVEL OF CHILL IS MY ACTUAL PARTNER#BUT I’M SO FUCKING SURE THAT I WILL SCREW IT UP TERRIBLY. LIKE DISASTROUSLY.#SO LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? BECAUSE PART OF MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME TO JUST GHOST EVERYONE AND RUN AWAY#SO THAT I CAN AT LEAST CONTROL THE OUTCOME BUT LIKE#I REALLY WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH QB AND WB AND BB AND I’M STRUGGLING SO HARD WITH THIS#like lowkey the thought of screwing up in the same way I always have is literally painful and my chest is killing me I just—#god I fucking hate this shit#can I get the stardew heart ranking system please?? so I know exactly where I stand all the time???#I don’t necessarily trust people to tell me what I’m doing wrong until it’s too late
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I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it
#House of leaves#im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I’m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go#Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious#I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections#Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it#Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything#People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in#Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join#Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger#Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing?#Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know?#The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad#Not seeing them everyday#I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary#I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not#Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that#Maybe I’m just not worth it.
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Sorry for being so rambly today (and last night) I have thoughts so onto the blog they go
I feel like part of the joy of art is in community, like you create something and you get to talk about it and share it with the world. This year I lost touch with the friends who I would always talk about art with and I think that loss is heavily impacting my ability to create (and the enjoyment I get from it.) I miss having a new idea and getting to ramble about it excitedly. I miss texting people the sketches and the mock ups and the color palettes.
I got into art for me. I wouldn’t show anything I made to anyone for years. So I’m no stranger for creating for the target audience of myself. Still, I miss that sense of community. I love this blog and I absolutely adore the lovely comments you all leave on my art but sometimes it feels so one-sided on here. I post a piece, I receive a lovely tag back and that’s it. End of story. I spend hours and hours working on something and it kind of disappears into the void in a day or so.
Trying to put it into words, but I think I wish I could create art that starts a conversation. That inspires people to create their own things in response, or even just talk with me about process. I think the perfectionism has gotten out of hand lately because I feel like I’m missing something—which I attribute to the quality of the piece—but really what I’m missing is buddies to chat about art with. There is no level of being “good enough” that will serve as a substitute for a real community.
#ahaha if you can’t tell I am a very introspective person#and a lonely one the transition to college has been rough and all my friends are back home#anyways I was thinking about drawing more stuff for my ocs today#and then I remembered the friend I loved to talk about them with hasn’t replied to me in a month#which is understandable. she’s busy. she made new friends. she’s not struggling like I am so it makes sense that she’s just kind of moved on#but I miss her#I had no chance of making it to her in group because all her friends she met through dance and I can’t dance for shit#I don’t even think she meant to ghost me but who knows#it sucks that I won’t get a real goodbye#anyways all of that to say I was going to draw my ocs and then I got so sad because who would I even share them with#there are a few art groups on campus but I have anxiety and mild agoraphobia and when I try to go I just feel awkward and shy#anyways if anyone ever wants to chat about art#it’s only one of my fav things in the whole world#lea talks#WHY CANT I BE A PROPER TORTURED ARTIST#WHY CANT I TURN MY ISOLATION INTO SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL#WHY DO I NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO BE PRESENT IN THE PROCRESS#is it not enough to descend into a quiet madness on my own and create from that??
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I need to be put in a waffle iron or something
#i am. really stressed!!#i hate being online i keep losing friends#Majority of them did shitty stuff to me and it makes me so sad#I already have trust problems so when people come and say theyll always be here for me and then the next thing i know im blocked because i#Expressed my discomfort about something shitty they did it makes those trust issues even worse#We were pretty close and now i regret telling him shit because he could use it against me#And im starting to fall out with my “best friend” irl. Everything is making me sick#I can’t do this anymore I really want to disappear#There has to be something about me so repulsive to people#That i just turn them away#its gonna be like that for the rest of my life isnt it? I probably wont even get a partner in the future#I just don’t know why I fuck up every friendship so bad even if it wasnt. My fault#I shouldve kept my mouth shut even if i was uncomfortable#my last friendships ended like this too#I caused a huge server fight by saying I was uncomfy and I’m pretty sure everyone hates me now because of it#even though some said they werent#I am just really lonely and feel like a piece of shit#Because I am one#I don’t really know if I want to keep being here anymore#I genuinely think nobody likes me#Even when I was in school nobody liked me#I was the “weird girl”#I just wish I was normal and likeable and then maybe I’d have friends irl#I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’ve considered suicide over it multiple times#I ruin everything#My friendships. My life. My parents marriage. My art. Everything.#I doubt anyone will read this or gaf so just. ignore me
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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hi this is idk me being vulnerable or whatever
but uh if anyone ever wants to chat or like… discord or whatever? I’d like that?
#mariahs rambles#I’m lonely as shit#I don’t want to talk about bg3 I think that game is shit for reasons I won’t get into lmao#but like. I’m still here. just at the “rewatch the entirety of greys anatomy” level of white girl depressdd#my contact stuff is all in my pinned post#I just can’t come back here it’s still the bad place#too many shitty toxic people#but idk how to make friends anymore so#idk#if someone wants to pity me#I know this will get ignored like always but#yeah#idk why I’m making this oh my god#fuck I’d even take a ‘here’s why everyone started ignoring you’ at this point#because I really do feel like I pissed someone off#…. this went for way longer than I thought it would apologies#tldr lonely as shit feel like I pissed someone off idk what’s going on
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i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
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:/
#incapable of seeing people and not crying after it seems!!!!!! I’m glad that I get time alone but now I’m Super Alone again which.#I am just tired. of being alone all the time! not having friends around! not seeing people! being ignored!#and just like. I’m tired of being so good at everything else in my life except for having relationships and having my shit together#but then not being able to figure out how to find friends or make anyone interested in me or whatever#like I don’t really even want to date someone except for the fact that it would make me less lonely!#and it’s also just so ridiculous bc like. idk. I just have no idea how to even like put out into the world that I would like to be seen!#and seen as someone who is attractive! and wants to have friends! just. god. they should make a being in ur 20s that doesn’t make u sad.#like I don’t hate being fat in the same way as I used to but I do know my life would be easier if I was skinny. and I would be like pretty#or whatever! just. ugh. it doesn’t help that I’m not perceived as like anything other than woman half the time either. I need. a hug.#and more friends I can talk to who aren’t dating each other. I have those but they don’t. talk to me.#so it’s. whatever#roxy talks
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my bestie who i normally partner up with for labs called in sick today and my prof asked me if he had covid 😬 this week’s clinicals are gonna suck so bad if she’s right
#1) because i don’t want him giving me covid#2) because we partner up for everything so im gonna be lonely if i have to work with someone else (though i do have other friends in class)#or worse if i have to work on my own. god forbid. my luck is so shit i wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out that way
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#dear friends in my phone:#I just lost my family (they’re not dead they just want nothing to do with me anymore)#so I may be a little needy for the next few days or weeks or so#and if you could just indulge me I would be so so so unbelievably thankful#I don’t have any local friends and I work weird hours anyway and I’m just so insanely lonely#and exhausted because I’ve had zero help with being an adult or even being fucking RAISED like I’ve been running this shit since I was about#6 years old so#anyway#I’m very busy trying to paint my entire house by myself#but when I get a little downtime I would love to chat with some of you ♡#that’s all okay bye! 😘#(playing it off as if I’m not 😭😭😭)
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oh my god fall out boy
#i rant#fall out boy#to articulate what this band means to me. you will first have to start at a lonely thirteen#and then fall in love with the whole deal with patrick stump!#here is this man. a rock star in all these music videos who is just as geeky and pasty as you! wow!!!#then you realize he’s not the one writing the lyrics: pete wentz is & so you fall for him too. his lyrical precision —#i don’t want to be a footnote in someone else’s happiness — encapsulates your youth perfectly#when your parents break up and your childhood house is sold you sing if i can get through this i can do anything#even if it came out a few years too late to be timely advice#then your first love and one of your best friends kill herself and you think shit why am i alive when she is not and it plagues you#and you listen to patrick sing pete’s words ‘i’m a loose cog of a complete machine’ and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry#in loss from chloe to tranquility to independence you’ve kept this band near your chest next to your heart#there’s a part of you that is always the lonely 13 yr old a gap toothed girl not yet jaded discovering and rediscovering this music#GD bless fall out boy. GD bless my thirteen year old self. GD bless me now. GD bless all us fans
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Idk why I thought the new year would suddenly bring immense change to me as a person, it was such a childish belief, I can’t believe I let myself fall for it. The years go by but I remain the messed up anxious wreck who starts crying the second she’s left alone with her thoughts. The new year won’t change anything, nothing will
#just look at me#I could very possibly graduate from school in half a year and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life#I can’t take the slightest bit of criticism or else I’ll feel like shit for a week#I need to be staring at a screen at all hours of the day because if I don’t distract myself I will break down#I’m so obsessed with pleasing people that when I can’t fulfill the simplest of requests I want to die#indulging in hobbies. things that are supposed to be enjoyable. feels like hell for me#through all my years of creating there is only one piece I can honestly say I like and am proud of#and I haven’t even touched writing since because I’m scared of not being able to reach that high again#art comes a little easier but I’m only capable of one or two pieces a month#I don’t have anyone irl whom I trust. I’m so lonely that I literally have imaginary friends. at 17#and I still haven’t figured out my gender or what pronouns I prefer. I don’t even like the name I picked for myself#I could go on forever#I don’t know how anyone puts up with me. I know I wouldn’t if I had the choice#I keep going on and on about how I want to get better. I don’t want to be so miserable all the time#but I just don’t know how#I try to be kinder with myself and I’ve been pretty successful at it but.. it doesn’t help#I can be soft and gentle all I want. it won’t make everything else go away#so there’s nothing left for me to do but cry all alone in my apartment at 2 a.m#I guess
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Currently fighting off another wave of depression with a stick hoping I can shoo it away before it sticks around hahaho
#random post#someone tell this fucker to go AWAY I don’t WANT IT#I’m not trying to have worthless feelings so bad I can FEEL my hair fall out mkay. don’t want. don’t send it#how to convince the brain I’m NOT lonely/alone when I do obviously literally am. cus I don’t have friends that send messengers hahavvsggs <3#mm last time I went out with a friend was. uh.#February oh shit! haha ok I. hm. I don’t yea <3#I’m reading too into things man. I jus wanna be included <3 in things#instead of feeling like a background character in my own SPACES man#maybe if I think harder about my ocs I can forget myself entirely
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“i want to cry” i say, already actively crying
#i’m doing great thanks for asking 😀👍#the people in my head won’t shut the fuck up and i’m stressed about school and i’m scared of people leaving me and im lonely as hell for no#good reason and i don’t have a single friend in my lunch period and i just want to scratch at my arms and legs but i can’t and i won’t and—#i. feel like shit#tw vent
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