#I don’t have anyone irl whom I trust. I’m so lonely that I literally have imaginary friends. at 17 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

malachitezmeyka · 1 year ago

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Idk why I thought the new year would suddenly bring immense change to me as a person, it was such a childish belief, I can’t believe I let myself fall for it. The years go by but I remain the messed up anxious wreck who starts crying the second she’s left alone with her thoughts. The new year won’t change anything, nothing will

#just look at me #I could very possibly graduate from school in half a year and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life #I can’t take the slightest bit of criticism or else I’ll feel like shit for a week #I need to be staring at a screen at all hours of the day because if I don’t distract myself I will break down #I’m so obsessed with pleasing people that when I can’t fulfill the simplest of requests I want to die #indulging in hobbies. things that are supposed to be enjoyable. feels like hell for me #through all my years of creating there is only one piece I can honestly say I like and am proud of #and I haven’t even touched writing since because I’m scared of not being able to reach that high again #art comes a little easier but I’m only capable of one or two pieces a month #I don’t have anyone irl whom I trust. I’m so lonely that I literally have imaginary friends. at 17 #and I still haven’t figured out my gender or what pronouns I prefer. I don’t even like the name I picked for myself #I could go on forever #I don’t know how anyone puts up with me. I know I wouldn’t if I had the choice #I keep going on and on about how I want to get better. I don’t want to be so miserable all the time #but I just don’t know how #I try to be kinder with myself and I’ve been pretty successful at it but.. it doesn’t help #I can be soft and gentle all I want. it won’t make everything else go away #so there’s nothing left for me to do but cry all alone in my apartment at 2 a.m #I guess

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