#indulging in hobbies. things that are supposed to be enjoyable. feels like hell for me

[malachitezmeyka]

Idk why I thought the new year would suddenly bring immense change to me as a person, it was such a childish belief, I can’t believe I let myself fall for it. The years go by but I remain the messed up anxious wreck who starts crying the second she’s left alone with her thoughts. The new year won’t change anything, nothing will

[yandere-daydreams]

A spicier Yandere!Villain!Izuku/Reader for an absolutely lovely anonymous commissioner, featuring just a little Katsuki /Reader on the side. It’s always nice to get to experiment with a scenario I don’t get to use very often, but honestly, making Katsuki absolutely miserable might just a hobby, at this point.

Title: Lasting Rivalries.

Word Count: 2.0k

TW: Noncon, AFAB!Reader, Kidnapping, Light Bondage, Oral Sex, and Slight Exhibitionism.

The air tasted like mold.  

You could’ve sworn you’d fallen asleep in the cold, brisk atmosphere of Katsuki’s apartment, where every draft carried the vaguest traces of bleach and even the dust was neatly polished. Wherever you were now couldn’t be the same place, hell, you doubted it was the same building. The mattress underneath you was warm, uncomfortably so, the kind of damp, sticky heat that only radiated off of objects with a decade’s worth of grime. It was dark, the walls a bare, desolate grey and the few functioning lights only seeming to highlight how obscured everything felt, out in the open yet hidden by some thick curtain hanging just in front of your eyes. Your head felt… bad. You weren’t in pain, and you didn’t have a headache, but you almost wished you did. It would’ve been real, and that must’ve been better than whatever cotton had been stuffed where your skull was supposed to be.

You tried to roll over, intent on coughing away the blockage, but to your dulled shock, you weren’t able to do anything more than shift before falling back into place. Your wrists had been tied to something cold and metallic - part of the bed frame, you guessed, a post - but the rope was soft, seamless and smooth. A harsh distinction from the scratchy, cheap sheet that’d been spread out under your exposed back.

Oh, wait. Where were your clothes?

It was a startling realization, but you didn’t have much time to linger on it. As soon as you had time to properly feel the chill running over your skin, something replaced it. Two palms pressed into your sides, just above your hips, gloved but undeniably there, squeezing as they went, exploring. You kicked, reflexively, relieved to find your legs free enough to do so, but the mass was unmovable, catching your knee and pushing it flat against the bed with a light chuckle. You manage to focus, although your gaze was still blurry and your head still clogged, a shape forming in front of you. A silhouette, at first, then a form. A man. By the time you put a name to those hints of a face, you might as well not’ve bothered.

You would’ve recognized the voice of that monster anywhere. Even with the added smugness.

“When did they get so soft, Kacchan?” Izuku asked, a self-righteous smirk pulling at the corners of his lips. His tone was mocking, too patronizing to be genuine, but that didn’t stop his hands from falling to your waist, rubbing slow, measured circles into your midriff before moving towards your thighs and groping curiously. He continued, unprompted, not seeming to care that he’d never gotten a response. “You did that on purpose, yeah? I know you like your targets too weak to fight back.”

“Fuck off.” You didn’t have to think, your attention locking onto the interruption’s source, onto your boyfriend. Your restraints were child’s play compared to Katsuki’s, his hands encased in metal cylinders and leather belts laid across every extremity that could’ve possibly broken free. He was pinned against a cement column, immobilized, a loose muzzle strapped over the lower half of his face for Izuku’s personal enjoyment. He hadn’t been taken peacefully, either, a splatter of dried blood matting blonde hair to his scalp and his Hero get-up ripped to tatters, stripped of anything that could’ve been made into a weapon. You might’ve been jealous of how much effort had gone into capturing him, if concern hadn’t been shoved to the forefront of your mind, refusing to budge once it took its place. “Touch (Y/n) one more time and I swear I’ll--”

“Maybe we should gag him,” Izuku mused, cutting Katsuki off gracelessly. It took you longer than you’d like to admit to realize he was talking to you, but you didn’t dare indulge him with an answer, averting your eyes to the wall with a pointed glare. Izuku just pouted, crouching and nuzzling affectionately into the crook of your knee. You shuddered at the contact, but he didn’t seem to share your aversion, something lovesick weighing down his tone. “I don’t know how you put up with him for so long, angel. All those dirty words, and that rotten attitude…” He let out a heavy sigh, shaking his head. “It had to be terrible. You need someone to love you, really love you, right?”

“I… I don’t need anything from you,” You spat, attempting to clench your thighs together. Izuku pushed them back open with a strength you couldn’t hope to counter. “Get off of me!”

“You don’t think you need me,” He corrected, prompting a groan and a series of volatile insults from Katsuki. If Izuku heard him, he didn’t feel the need to give a response, kissing the inside of your thigh, instead, his lips lingering a second too long. “You’ve been...  influenced by Kacchan. He didn’t love you like I would’ve, he didn’t take care of you. I wouldn’t have made you go out into the big, bad world every single day. I wouldn’t have been so ungrateful.” Another kiss, this one higher up. “You deserve better. I’ll give you better.”  

You opened your mouth, but anything you could’ve said was caught in your throat and choked on as Izuku took hold of your hips, pinning you down despite his attempts to buck him off. You weren’t sure what you’d expected, but when a hot, eager tongue dragged along the length of your slit, the severity of your situation finally dawned on you, sparks of something callous and distant accompanying overwhelming, overpowering terror. Your mind went blank, but you flailed, attempting to kick and writhe and struggle until he let go, but your resistance only seemed to make Izuku more determined, pulling away to suck at your sensitive clit, flicking at it almost playfully with his tongue.

The pleasure was invasive, aggressive. Izuku was relentless, drinking you down like a man starved, his inexperience covered by his will to find whatever spot made your body contort and abuse it, whether that meant fucking your entrance with his tongue or drawing baseless, abstract patterns in your cunt or lapping at forcibly provoked wetness and daring you not to make a sound. You bit your bottom lip in an effort not to give him what he wanted, but his pursuit was a brutal one, the whimpers that found their way through your defenses meek and pitiful. Katsuki had been stunned into silence, but your involuntary submission seemed to snap him out of his stupor, an assumption only further backed-up by the garbled mix of ‘get away from them’s and ‘I’ll fucking kill you’s that soon filled the cramped space. Izuku delighted in that, nearly moaning against you, the reverberation sending an unpleasant tremor up your spine. You couldn’t tell what was getting him off more - your suffering or Katsuki’s.

Regardless of his intentions, your body was reacting to his ministrations, something in your core pooling and spiraling, delving into a dark, aching fire you wish had stayed untouched. Your hips nearly followed Izuku when he pulled away, straightening his back and making a half-hearted attempt to wipe away the spit and slick staining his chin with his sleeve before his shoulders slumped, a wide, malicious grin forming across his features as he looked over you. Wordlessly, he pulled off a glove with his teeth, swiping his newly freed fingers over your cunt, letting translucent fluids gather on fingertips. He held them to your lips, only hesitating for a moment before giving a command. “Lick it off,” He demanded, his smile never faltering. “Or I’ll have someone come in and slit his fucking throat.”

You weren’t proud to taste yourself on his skin, gagging when he shoved his digits down your throat and spitting when he refused to dislodge them, coughing until something in your throat tore and fell away. He only kissed your cheek, something you hoped was meant to be a reward.

You were still recovering when he started to undress, lazily unbuttoning his white dress-shirt and pulling it off, only bothering to shrug his pants down enough to free his cock. Of all things, that was what got you, how casual he acted, as if he was only admiring something he already owned. Tears sprung up in the corners of your eyes, blurring your vision despite your attempts to blink them away. Izuku took care of that, though, cooing as he dragged his thumb over your cheek. It could’ve made you sick. It did make you sick. But, the sudden wave nausea did little to stop something painfully hard from rutting against your thigh as Izuku leaned down, the sensation a constant, perverted reminder of your growing misery.

“Please…” You mumbled, the words falling from your tongue reluctantly. You tugged at your restraints, trying to pull yourself into a more dignified position, but all you accomplished was irritating your already-sore wrists. “Please don’t, Midoriya, please. I’m… I haven’t done this before.”

His eyes widened, the hint of a scowl shadowing over his expression. “Poor thing, poor baby,” He crooned, the words dripping with manufactured sympathy. With one hand, he steadied himself, positioning his length at your entrance with the other, making it clear that no amount of sobbing or innocence would get you out of being defiled. “No wonder you’re scared, he must’ve neglected you for so long. But, you don’t have to worry, love. Your Izuku’s gonna take care of you, from now on.”

That was all the warning you got before he pushed into you, snapping his hips against yours and only stopping when he bottomed out inside of you. Something between a moan and a croak found its way from your throat, but you were quickly distracted from the discomfort as Izuku took up your thighs, digging his nails into your flesh and forcing your knees against your chest, something between confusion and distress flooding into your system. By the time he began thrusting in earnest, finding a steady rhythm to match the tempo of his fleeting, breathy panting, you were sobbing, trying fruitlessly to keep your breakdown at bay as a terrible, unknown pressure built inside of you, a knot forming somewhere in the bottom of your gut. You were snug around him, hot and tight and drooling, making each movement all the more tortuous, toe-curling, world-shattering. It felt like there was never a moment he wasn’t hitting something new, something foreign, something you couldn’t quite make up your mind about. Unwillingly, you clenched around him, and Izuku faltered, groaning shamelessly. You were almost glad you’d fallen so far, when you felt him twitch.

Anything that managed to numb the filth slowly spreading through your body was a mercy.

“You feel so good,” He drawled, hunching forward, pressing his forehead into your shoulder. His breath was warm on your skin, damp, your disgust unaided by the teeth soon embedded in your neck, biting into anything they could reach. He acted without care, without discretion, his only goal being to make his mark and ensure that it lasted, regardless of how much blood he had to draw to do so. “Gonna make you mine, he won’t be able to touch you when I’m done. No one’ll be able to look at you without thinking of me.” He paused, letting out the fractured bastardization of a laugh, relief heavy in the cracked sound. “I’ll knock you up. Kacchan could never give you that.”

Oh, god, Katsuki. Your head fell to the side, in search of something stable to latch onto, but he was far from a source of comfort. He was despondent, limp and motionless, his bindings slack, unneeded. Still, every muscle in his body was tense, on edge, but if he could do anything but sit and stare, you couldn’t tell. His eyes were peeled open, lips parted but no noise coming out, as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t bring himself to make the words. He was as much of a prisoner as you were, now. As helpless as you were, now.

Weakly, he opened his mouth, what was left of his will escaping in a miserable, wounded whisper. “I’ll fucking kill you, Deku.”

That was all it took for Izuku to finish, staining you so thoroughly, you doubted you would ever feel clean again.

[horrorslashergirl]

Hello! I would love for your ocs to react to my new slasher oc! 😊

Her name is Tiffany Anderson and she's from New Hampshire. Shes from a pretty rich family and has an older sister that is perfect in every way and her parents constantly dote on her and ignore Tiffany.

Tiffany is a 5'7" lesbian beautician with a thin body, short brown hair and blue eyes. Shes pretty tomboyish and enjoys outdoorsy hobbies like sports.

She wears lots of pink, a blonde wig and a Rejuvenique mask when she kills to hide her identity. She doesn't care who she kills, it just has to be someone in the wrong place at the wrong time (usually after her monthly dinner with her family) 💕

Richard Firewood

He may like her because of her rich relations, and may even indulge into being his help with leading people into being his next victims. Talk about being an appretience but that's about it.

Richard: Killing without a certain destination is all in vain but I suppose she is young and clueless.

Jackson Jasper

Jackson thinks she is a cute one and is impressed that such an innocent looking female can be so deadly. Plus her family issues might make Jackson symphatetize with Tiffany.

Jackson: I can understand her frustration with her family. My father wasn't the most enjoyable man to have around.

The Hacker

He thinks she is quite a dollface and he might be tempted to put her into his next redroom torture livestream.

The Hacker: Cute baby doll... I am sure she will look stunning covered in blood. *sadistic smirk*

Dave Anthony

She looks fun to play with and this poltergeist doesn't are about Gender, Age, Race. If you are his victim.... You fate has been decided.

Dave: Cute little bitch *smirks* I wonder how she will look crying and begging all over the place. *evil laugh*

Azol

Much like Dave, this evil entity will enjoy in harassing Tiffany, since she seems so vulnerable.

Azol: Awwww... Why you crying? Your parents don't like you? *chuckles evilly* Don't worry, pretty pink cunt... Daddy will take care of you... In hell! *maniacal laugh*

Samuel Grayson

He will probably feel uncertain about her, seeing her aura on such a sorrowful point despite her bright colors. He will probably feel sad for her and how her family treats her... Lord may have mercy if they meet Samuel.

Samuel: Such a sad little creature... What humans can do out of other humans. *snorts in disgust*

Bambi Miller

She thinks Tiffany is cute and if she is a beautician, they might have a sleepover girls night, do each other's hair, makeup and nails. Just have a great time and maybe later go for some... hunting.

Bambi: She seems so sweet! If she is up to it I might teach her how to throw knives.

The Shadow

He views her as a child without a certain path to follow. He might find it amusing that she kills randomly, not even choosing a bit on her victims. It's like a rushed work done poorly. One thing is that he might have a drop of empathy when it comes to her family's bitter relation because he knows the horrible taste.

Shadow: She has a lot to learn and I don't have the patience and time for that... She will eventually learn.. from her own mistakes...like we all do.

Mitch Carson

He probably wouldn't really care about her, maybe be a little intrigued and cautious, but other than that, not much.

Mitch: *grunts and growls, watching from the dark corners of the jail*

Damiano Liberato

He will find her very much intrigued, especially by her dressing aesthetics, and be very tempted to make her model for him, and if she proves to be so much worthy, well... She signed her fate with this man.

Damiano: Interesting patterns and choice into clothing. Improvement is required, but nothing that I cannot do. *smirks*

Gerome Montana and Axel Friedrich

In their eyes, she is simply a child with parents' issues and nothing much. Maybe find it amusing that a female like her, is killing randomly.

Gerome: Cutie, but she lacks the skills of a true hunter.

Axel: Clueless child.

Azment

She looks so innocent that Azment just wants to hold and cuddle her, show affection and tell her that she is just perfect and she doesn't have to be like her sister for someone to love her.

Azment: She is so fragile, so easy to break... She should come by and visit me.... sometimes. *smirks*

Bahini Talibah

They might be on neutral relations, but that's about it.

Bahini: She seems alright, I suppose... but she has to be careful with whom she chooses to kill.

Xaviera Lah-Mo

She might feel sad for Tiffanys' relation with her family and maybe assure her that she doesn't have to prove to anyone that she has certain qualities.

Xaviera: I feel a little sad for she doesn't get along with her sister. *sad sigh*

Akshay Lah-Mo

He doesn't really have an opinion on her, maybe finds her random killing a bit stupid and that one day she might not be that lucky. Also, they might go hiking, but the chances are low.

Akshay: Child... *snorts*

Decebal Avram Chirila

Decebal finds her to be a total cutie, might flirt with her, find it funny that she kills out of the blue, and a little sad about how her family treats her.

Decebal: She looks like a cute little cupcake. *smirks*

Alexander Chirila

He too might find her relation with her family a little sad, and he knows how it feels to be viewed as... imperfect, to be always demanded to do everything in a pristine manner. He isn't good with socializing, so he might not know how to comfort her, despite wanting to do that.

Alexander: I know how she feels... If I am gonna be mistaken for my big brother again and be fucking invisible I am gonna go bonkers. *scowls*

Nadia Nikolina Chirila

She is very emphatic with women, especially small ones, and Tiffany is a bit small compared to Nadia. Nadia will try to assure and comfort her, feeling sad for how she feels. Also, if Tiffany likes outdoor activity, they might go for a run to clear their heads of negative thoughts.

Nadia: Such a sad little one... It breaks my heart to see women like this. *sigh*

[inkdemonapologist]

So I'm terrified of reading CoC. All of the art makes me so emotional, but I still force myself to read it because it's so good. Then I start try to make something as amazing as that and just end up crying???

Do you have any art tips or any words of advice? How do you find the motivation to do all of it? How do you not throw that motivation away because you just don't want to do it? Also how the heck do you make artist friends? I've been trying to make some so I can draw with someone, but I can't find anyone.

Oh my gosh!! THANK U…. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABT THE CTHULHU BOYS MYSELF…..

Okay lemme see if I can answer these questions in a non-rambling way!!

How do u not throw away motivation when you don’t want to do things? I think if you don’t want to do things, like you ACTUALLY don’t want to do them, and it’s something you’re supposedly doing for enjoyment, it is good and fine to just not do them!! Like, I only draw because I want to. If you don’t want to do something, and you stop and don’t do it until you want to do it again, that is not actually a failure. Obviously there’s exceptions and nuance to this -- sometimes you have to do art for work if you’re a professional artist, and sometimes folks will know from experience that doing art even when you don’t feel like it will ultimately give you joy and satisfaction so you do your best to get over that hurdle, but forcing yourself to do art when it isn’t enjoyable or fulfilling is actually how you get burnout. I also think that Doing Other Things And Cultivating Other Skills And Hobbies Besides Drawing is an almost essential thing for artists to do and highly recommend it. When you’re doing things in your free time, do the things you WANT to do!

How do you find motivation? The joke answer to this question is “hyperfixation lol” but I think the actual answer here is self-indulgence. BE SELF-INDULGENT!!! If you’re looking at a cool story or a cool piece of art and thinking “I want to make a thing that is as cool and impactful as my favourite thing” then like… what is there for your brain to even work with there? That’s so vague, and the pressure becomes so huge that it feels impossible. Whereas if you’re like “I LOVE MY OCs AND I NEED TO SHOW OTHER PEOPLE HOW MUCH OF A HIMBO MY ONE OC IS” or “I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT SAMMY LAWRENCE SMOOCHING JACK AFTER RECOVERING FROM TRAUMA AND I NEED TO CONVEY WHY IM SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT THIS” then like, THATS something you can get powered up about!!! People shy away from being self-indulgent because they think they’re supposed to be appealing to other people, or trying to figure out what other people think is cool, but the truth is that when you are really, REALLY absolutely into the thing you’re making? IT SHOWS, that love pours out of it and when you find the other people who wanted that content that you made just for you, they will get SO EXCITED. Draw the ideas that make you go HELL YEAH HELL YEAH HELL YEAH. The Call of Cthulhu game is MASSIVE self-indulgence for all of us and that’s why we’re so excited about it!! Every once in a while I think to myself “what would be a Cool Picture of Sammy Lawrence that other people in the fandom would like that might get a bunch of notes” and sometimes I even have ideas, but I never ever get around to drawing them because there are so many other things I would RATHER be drawing that are just very exciting to me personally. 

How do you make artist friends? As far as I know there’s not One Weird Trick to making friends of any particular sort, but my experience is -- (a) do things that you like, (b) join groups / communities / forums / follow on social media / discord servers for people who do the things that you like, (c) interact with those people in ways that are fun, (d) if you happen to both enjoy interacting and reciprocate with each other then you can interact more and invite each other to new and different interactions and lead towards some level of friendship! A lot of the art friends I have now are folks from a community for a browser game we all played -- I drew a bunch of fanart and liked their fanart and enjoyed yelling headcanons about the characters with them, and we ended up enjoying each other enough to want to do other things together, too. Friendship isn’t a thing where you like, find people you like and then try to figure out how to make them like you back, or an exchange where if you listen to someone talk about X then they’re required by friend rules to listen to you talk about Y. Instead, friendship is about running into people who are a good fit for you in circumstances where you click with them and have things in common, or things you can both share. So the part you can be proactive about is meeting people! And knowing that if people don’t become friends with you or a community isn’t fun for you, you can just wander off and try to meet other people. Sometimes this takes a bunch of tries, so I wish you the best in the art friend gacha!!

Anyway, that’s the best I got!! HOPEFULLY SOMEWHERE IN HERE IS SOMETHING THAT IS KIND OF LIKE AN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, ANON!! I wish u the best!!!!!

[venenorita]

HE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

Mun Name: Mercy      Age: 27      Contact: IM, discord

Character(s) I rp: Bambi, Candice, Giselle, Loly, Tier, Emilou, Nanao, Hiyori, Kuukaku, Yoruichi, Ariugrette Tsetsara (OC), Tatsuki Arisawa, Kobu Merani (OC), Ajora Faengerhol (OC), Medusa Gorgon, Subida Roja (OC), Noriko Tsunayashiro (OC), (I’m gonna stop here for my own sanity @n@) Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): Bambi, Loly, Tier, and probably Noriko.  Current Fandom(s): Bleach presently.  Fandom(s) you have an AU for:  Errr, none really? Not that come to mind at least. My language(s): English Themes I’m interested in for rp:   Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc. Themes/Genres you have an AU for:None Really dedicated to any particular genre or theme. Not that I’d be unwilling to make some. AUs are my jam. 

Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons. Can Asks be continued?:   YES / NO   only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO. Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck. Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?:   YES / Depends / NO. Are you atm open for new plots?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. How long do you usually take to reply?:  24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years. I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse). Do you post more ic or occ?:  IC / OOC. Are you selective with following others?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting:  IM  An IM will usually do the trick since I usually don’t go about giving my Discord in most cases. But yea, literally just send me an IM, preferably with an idea in mind. Alternatively if you’re particularly bold you can send an ask or a meme. 

What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner:  .  I dunno how to really word this one in particular. I  usually don’t like overplotting, so be open to some flexibility. Frameworking is fine but I don’t wanna script stuff from the getgo. Also please work WITH me? If I’m the one throwing out ideas and all I’m getting is a simple ‘eh’ or ‘no’, or just in general if you’re not helping contribute. Like....I get being anxious but I need something to work with? Suggestions. Recommended alterations to my ideas? There’s nothing more absurd to deal with than someone who agrees to plot with you only to contribute nothing and just shoot stuff down. 

When you notice the plotting is rather one-sided, what do you do?:  I’ll try my best to work with it. Some people aren’t great with cranking out ideas, I get that. Heck sometimes I myself don’t feel like coming up with a lot of stuff. But at some point I’m gonna ask them to put in a little effort if we’re not getting anywhere. 

How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?: I at the VERY least give input. Ask questions, things like that. I’ll generally come up with a few off the top ideas to try and get things rolling. 

When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?:  I wouldn’t mind a poke, but I know stuff can be complicated. Wether you’re busy, losing muse, or you just don’t know how to progress a scene? I’ve certainly had plenty of threads, enjoyable or otherwise, where I say to myself ‘.....I think this is fine here’. Or ‘I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here’. So I don’t mind if you kinda let it slip into the night. Though a heads up is always appreciated.  - What should your partner do when dropping a thread?:  Kinda outlined up above. But MOST of all, don’t be AFRAID to let me know. I’ll understand 

What could possibly lead you to drop a thread?:  . Business, fatigue, lack of enthusiasm, not knowing how to progress. Or characters that clearly do not want to interact with my muse icly. I know some people really like playing these sorts of individuals, but like yea...uphill battles of that kind can really take it out of me.  - Will you tell your partner?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

Is communication in the rpc important to you?   YES / NO. - And why?:  As much as I don’t really require it, because well, I know people have a lot of followers and such, I do feel like a rapport while not required is definitely very constructive to interaction. And honestly, communication tends to help smooth out drama a bit. Which honestly is one of the only big negatives to this kinda community.  - Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?: Absolutely! I very much encourage people, off anon (though I understand if they prefer the metaphorical mask), to inform me of something they may not like about me or my muses. Even if it may hurt my feelings, I enjoy being able to address and explain things. Cuz it sure beats the hell out of people making assumptions.  - Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way?  YES / NO.

Why do you rp again, is there a goal?:   Enjoyment. This is a hobby, and I think some people take this a bit too seriously. I’m here to have fun, explore my muses, and that of those I interact with. Get messy, make mistakes, and for pete’s sake chill. 

Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios:  Nothing comes to mind speeeecifically... Honestly for most of my muses, just having someone who WANTS to interact with them is golden. Though I admit to being a bit of a ship goblin from time to time. 

Themes I won’t ever rp / explore:  Nothing outright disgusting or gratuitous. Torture, psychological trauma, ect is fine. That’s how things roll, and I don’t mind them being part of a scene. What I don’t get into is something that’s there for the sake of it. Am I ok with my character being tortured for information? Absolutely. Will I indulge in a thread that’s just some kind of weird torture porn? No. Don’t let it get out of hand. I won’t judge you because cmon, it’s rp. But I reserve the right to decline being a part of it. 

What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: Anything tbh. The only real awkward starters are like.....really specific shoehorning. Or like, an immediate conflict at my character’s detriment. I get having an unusual introduction. I’ve had people who start with shit like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE?” Like cmon. Number one, even I don’t know why my character would break into your house, so they probably Didn’t. Please do not assume the worst and START things off on a bad foot. 

What type of characters catch your interest the most?:  Multifaceted. Not that I judge anyone for being more ...affixed on a particular aspect of their character. Some people are very keen on getting a certain type of rp. Some people just outright play a character who isn’t really shown to be anything other than one thing. But I enjoy exploration of a personality. And a personality, no mater how dull, stupid, or simple someone is, is NEVER monofaceted. I enjoy a muse that has something to dig for or explore emotionally. 

What type of characters catch your interest the least?:  Asocials. I’ve had some decent rp with them SOMEtimes? But like....there’s nothing more aggravating than trying to interact with a character who wants to be left alone and be isolated. Especially ones that are AGGRESSIVELY against it. Especially since I have to WORK to MAKE my character even want to interact with them. 

What are your strong aspects as rp partner?:  MY.......errr....en...thusiasm? I don’t actually know tbh. My malleability with my muses perhaps? Errr I like thinking about stuff. IF you ask me a question, I will do my best to answer it and explore the realm within that question. I dunno what you would exactly call that though... I am ...headcannony?

What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: I am flaky. Sometimes it’s cuz of real life getting hard. Sometimes it’s because I need a break from tumblr. Sometimes I just poof and forget about tumblr for like a while. But yea. I have a tendency to vanish, it’s something I’m working on but it’s something that happens. 

Do you rp smut?:  YES / NO. Do you prefer to go into detail?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Are you okay with black curtain?:  YES / NO. - When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?:  It can go either way? Sometimes things develop that way because of specific characters. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes its just for the heck of it. Sinday and all that.  - Anything you would not want to rp there?:  Interactions with Real life people as a muse. I respect people doing it. If people wanna rp as Miley Cyrus or whatever, more power to them. But leave me out of it, it just makes me uncomfortable. This also applies to a lesser degree with real life face claims? But I’ve learned to kinda make my peace with that one tbh. 

Are ships important to you?:   YES / NO. Would you say your blog is ship-focused?:   YES / NO / Sometimes? Do you use read more?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse. - What do you love to explore the most in your ships?:  The Nuts and bolts. Sure the honeymoon phase is alright. And bunny-rabbiting has it’s fun times. But what I love most about a ship is finding out how they work as a dynamic. What do they argue about? How do they absolve issues? How do their world views mesh?  - What is your smut tag?: nsfw

Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO / Depends - And what kind of ones?: I like a good premise. Just a nice kickoff point, ya know? Soemthing to get past that first awkward phase if anything/ 

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?:  She’s a bitch. But a bitch for a reason? She’s an absolute piece of shit, but a complicated one. She will never EXPRESS appreciation or affection outside of just sexual indulgence. She won’t ever SHOW fluffy affection, or gratefulness to most people. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t FEEL it. With Loly you will get to see a gal struggle with her own inability to trust or love people, while also trusting and loving people. Also ngl she kinda hot? I guess some people consider that a plus?

- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?:   I mentioned it before, but muses who aren’t interested in interacting.  - With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?:  Anyone willing to interact with her! Wether that’s to help her, harm her, or just witness the mental gymnastics this little centipede will go through to keep her mental restrictions intact. 

- What interests your Muse(s) in general:  Power, Indulgence, Being a rotten Bitch, maintaining the survival of Las Noches,  Hot people, Strong People, anything that can benefit her in some way.  - What do they desire, is their goal?:  She wants to be able to escape her fear of her own kind.  - What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?:  Wether or not they are a threat to her survival, if they have something to offer her.  - What do they value in a person?:    Lack of Aggression, Visual Appeal, Power.  - What themes do they like talking about?:  Herself or someone else she is interested in. Her Race. The state of the world.  - Which themes bore them?:  Criticism of her, Anything about Aizen. 

- Did they ever went through something traumatic?:  Aizen’s Betrayal, Grimmjow’s assault on her, Yammy’s attempt to kill her. The Quincy Invasion.  - What could possibly trigger them?:  Grimmjow, Yammy, the subject of Aizen.  - What could set them off, enrage them?:  People trying to kill/maim her arbitrarily.  - What could lead to an instant kill?:  Aggressively trying to kill her, making it clear you have no intention to let her live peacefully again. 

- Is there someone /-thing they hate?:  Aizen. Orihime. Hueco Mundo. Being a Hollow/Arrancar.  - Is there someone /-thing they love?:   Menoly, People that try to help her.  

Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO / Kinda - Best ways to approach them?:  It’s a little complicated. But if you’re persistent enough and you genuinely want a positive interaction with her, she will bitch about it but she will eventually soften up. Especially if she feels no reason to fear you. She absolutely won’t trust you at first and it’ll be an uphill battle, but its doable. 

For Antagonists ehh.....just give her breathing room? Feel free to torment her but like....if you get real incessant about it, or outright try to kill her she will actively avoid you like the plague. And if you corner her she WILL try to kill you, and her venom means that no matter how strong you are, she MIGHT pull it off if you are careless.  - Where are they usually to find?:  Verse dependent, but tbh she could be found just about anywhere. She’s usually in  Las Noches, ut she sneaks off to all kinds of places for some peace and quiet, or just to try and enjoy her generally unpleasant existence. 

Something you may still want to point out about your muse?:  Patience WILL pay off eventually? And she’s not a bitch 24/7. Sometimes she’s too tired/bored to be her usual bitchy self. 

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  Stolen from @pacifv Tagging:  WOOF, this is a REALLY long one lol. So uhhh anyone who WANTS to do it? 

[amphtaminedreams]

To All the Characters I’ve Overly Identified with Before: Borderline Personality Disorder and Attachment to Fictional Characters

It’s been a month, and I’m still not over how Game of Thrones ended. I’m still not over the way that a character who, throughout the previous seventy something episodes of the show, was only ever ruthless towards people who were deserving of her wrath (within the context of westerosi justice because let’s not forget everyone’s favourite man of honour Ned Stark decapitated a young man for running for his life in the first episode), suddenly massacred a whole city in the penultimate episode. I’m not over the way that writers who spent the previous seasons showing that they were capable of translating the moral ambiguity of George R.R Martin’s characters from page to screen, got lazy and left us with a character whose actions became impossible to defend right as the show was ending. I’m not over the way that such a beautifully complex character who endured so much hurt and trauma was reduced to nothing more than a “crazy woman” by a couple of male writers in her final moments. I’m not over the fact that Emilia Clarke put her heart and soul into the character and did everything she could to bring Daenerys Targaryen to life for David Benioff and Dan Weiss to both literally and figuratively assassinate her.

I think those feels have been felt by a lot of Game of Thrones fans since the show ended. God knows I’ve watched enough youtube video essays and read enough articles and liked enough tweets reiterating the sentiment. Daenerys Targaryen was, in my opinion, the best character on Game of Thrones. I wasn’t angry because she didn’t end up sitting on the throne (though my boy Drogon made sure nobody else ever would either and I guess I can get behind that), I was angry because all the balance that made her character so great was thrown out the window in order to progress the story of her male counterpart and bring a show that probably could’ve done with another 2 seasons to an end. Dany has always had a dark side, she is the “fire” that the title of the book series refers to, but throughout the show, we’ve never seen her indulge that side to the point of no return. We’ve seen her wrestle with it and use it to exact punishment on those who deserve it when needs be, and that was part of what I liked about her. Not to go all feminist essay on anyone’s ass but we don’t usually get to see women in TV who are celebrated for their powers of intimidation, and I liked how prior to season 8, the narrative never made female characters like Dany or Arya or Brienne out to be monsters for killing people the same way that basically every single man on the show did at one point or another. I liked that sometimes she was a little excessive because it made sense, she did have “dragon” in her, and she still had lines she wouldn’t cross, clear values and principles; she fought for the innocent, for women and for children, and for freedom. On a personal level, I loved her because we watched her go from a lonely, scared and vulnerable girl to a strong, ambitious and self-assured woman and that was a trajectory I wanted to relate to.

And then all of a sudden, without any justification or build up at all, she’s a mass murderer of the same “downtrodden” people she always claimed to fight for. Fuck, I’m thinking. I literally watched that episode through my hands because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When I say I cried on and off for about 3 days after I watched the final episode, I’m not exaggerating; I only need to see a screen cap now a month later or an interview with Emilia Clarke and I’m off again. It literally felt as if I was mourning the loss of a real person. But this isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of attachment to a character. Daenerys Targaryen was probably just the last in a long list of women I overly identified with.

I’m not much like her at all really, I’ve burnt myself from taking the film off my microwaved lasagne and not moving my thumb away from the hot air in time (lmao), however, I think I saw parts of myself in her journey and traits that I wanted to have, thus, I latched on. Before Daenerys Targaryen there was Spencer Hastings and before her there was Cassie Ainsworth and then if we’re gonna throw it all the way back, there was Hermione Granger (and some other characters I was more mildly obsessed with along the way, Katniss Everdeen, Bree Van de Kamp and Cosima Niehaus, I’m looking at you). I still love all those characters now but when their respective shows or films were actually current, I was completely obsessed. I spent my 16th birthday at the Harry Potter studios on the outskirts of London with my family, forget birthday parties or meals out with my friends. I wished more than anything that I had 2 best friends that loved me unconditionally and I did my best to emulate that drive and intelligence and work ethic everyone associates with Hermione. I told myself I was just like her even though I lacked the confidence to put my hand up in all but one of my classes and last time I checked, was just trying to conquer GCSEs not fight an evil wizard snaked hybrid man or whatever Voldemort is.  I identified with the loneliness and the need for control that I saw in Cassie, and was like “oH eM GeE, tHat’s sO mE!” at Spencer’s perfectionism. When I was speeding for my exams (and then, unfortunately, for long after), I felt spiritually connected to that whole Pretty Little Liars arc where Spencer started popping adderall on the daily even though I could really only wish for someone to care about me enough to stalk me like A did and the worst possible outcome of my all nighter was not taking in enough content to bullshit my way through a 30 marker.

They would understand me, they would be my friend. They represent me. That was the baseline sentiment of my obsession. And I think that’s the borderline part of me jumping out. See, such a huge part of BPD is feeling unwanted and misunderstood and forgettable and really, deeply lonely.  Like it’s a kind of loneliness I think you feel like an actual person can never really fulfil because the (faulty and not necessarily reflective of reality) thought pattern is that they’ll lose interest and leave you sooner or later. Fictional characters are always there, until the show gets cancelled or the character gets killed off, at least, and then comes the completely disproportionate tidal wave of grief. They exist in a different world too, a one that feels a lot less dangerous (even if it’s actually way more dangerous, I mean I really wouldn’t last five fucking minutes in Westeros) and detached from the often chronically muted reality of BPD.

Then there’s the trouble with the sense of self, part and package of BPD for most, which facilitates, you know, thinking that a genius witch or, like, any character in skins (because in hindsight as great as that show was, WHY DO NONE OF THEM HAVE JOBS YET SEEMINGLY AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF DRUGS AND PARENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO CARE WHERE THE HELL THEY ARE!?) resembles you as a person in any way. Though I suppose I’m learning recently as I begin to reflect more on what I enjoy and value, I’ve never had much more than a vague idea of what my positive qualities are, so when I saw them fully realised in a character it was a treasure trove of mannerisms and traits and ways of carrying oneself to adopt. It becomes a mould into which you can squeeze the ball of meh-ness and uncertainty you feel you resemble. Now I’m realising that although it might take me a little more time and a lot more effort, it’s much more rewarding to become the very best version of myself, but back then, I suppose I didn’t recognise why I was doing what I was doing. 

I only got diagnosed with BPD and started learning about it when it was 19, so all the years before that were pretty much spent unaware of the reasons why I had these quirks. As I “recover” (I suppose that’s the right word) and I get back into hobbies and spend more time with friends, I feel like I’m beginning to discover more and more of who I am. I’m starting to accept that there are positive things about me and plenty of things for people to like, right here in this world, not some fictional one.

I still love characters way too much and get overly attached and invested in TV shows but even that doesn’t necessarily have to be something to be ashamed of. When I’ve got into *ahem* discussions with people online about characters before, I’ve occasionally gotten the “why do you care so much, it’s not real life!” in response, and I mean, there’s definitely a point to be made if your passion for something is causing you to lash out at real life people with real life feelings. But when you’re not, when it can give you hours of discussion and entertainment and can drive you to make real positive changes in the world too, what’s wrong with passion? There’s nothing I love more than having a conversation with someone who I can tell really loves what they’re talking about, so why should I be ashamed of having the capacity to become deeply invested in things too? I think as long as it’s not taking over my life as I have allowed it to do so in the past, there’s nothing wrong with having passion for fictional things or for anything, for that matter. As long as it’s not something fucked up, like idk, white supremacy or Rick and Morty (JOKING). 

I don’t regret loving all the things I loved because being a huge Harry Potter fan for so many years did give me an escape when I absolutely hated myself and couldn’t find much enjoyment in real life. I hope that if I do have children one day, they’ll love it too, maybe not quite as much as I did but enough for it to give them all the joy it gave me, all the same. So in summary, yeah, fuck David Benioff and Dan Weiss (lmao, I’m joking, they’re just shitty original screenplay writers who could probably do with a class or two on how to write female characters), but also, understand before you make fun of someone for being overly invested in something that there’s probably a good reason for it and that, at the end of the day, they’re usually not hurting anyone. I’ll probably still be stanning Daenerys Targaryen and pretending season 8 episode 5 didn’t happen until the day I die. Let me live, okay?

Lauren x

[ghostmartyr]

Right, this is pretty steeped in fandom stuff, so for the anons in the back who think that’s an invitation to continually send me hate over having feelings, you’ve misunderstood our relationship (again), and also do not. I just need a release valve.

What’s stupid is that I need people. I will abandon schedules for five more minutes of conversation. The only reason I write at all is so that maybe someone will talk to me. I sink into depression in two minutes flat with some friends if conversation starters go unheard. I can have a good day of socializing, and the second the people go away, it’s like it never happened. I need more.

Except I’m also deeply emotionally unstable and vulnerable. In fandom in particular, I currently have a long list of stuff that sets me off. I do what I can to not go near, then ah, surprise, this blog you thought was okay hit a sore point, you’re alone forever no one thinks like you even the people who like the stuff you do don’t agree with you, you’re just alone and nothing is ever going to change with that.

It’s such a fucking mess. I’m desperate for people, and most of the ones I find are ones I simply can’t be around. This last month especially (bite me, it’s an issue) has been hell. I can’t go into fandom tags. I can barely go to friends’ blogs. The only time I feel halfway stable is when I’m alone with my own thoughts, and I enjoy my hobbies my way.

And that’s great. ...For people who can have that be enough. For me it’s just not. My feelings don’t feel real unless I share them with other people, and I feel like I’ve lost every venue I can do that in, because I’m just too much of a psychological wreck.

It sucks? I want to have fun. I like cartoons and comics. I like stories. What other people think about them shouldn’t bother me, but other people are the thing that makes me tick. I joke about disagreeing with everyone, but it’s not... wrong. And for the things I enjoy the most, those disagreements are enough to ruin the whole interaction.

So I don’t try to go anywhere new, because I have piles of evidence going over why I’m not healthy enough to risk it. Every time I slip and break that rule, it’s one more piece. Meanwhile, every time I try someone familiar and cross my fingers, I strike out badly enough that I make despondent posts instead of slitting my wrists, and yeeeah, that’s the actual train of thought that I went through before typing this.

People are just bad for me. I’m at my most stable when I’m outside, alone, in the middle of the night, playing Pokemon Go. That’s the only time I feel like I can breathe.

But ah. I’m fucking lonely?

That’s not an invitation, because like I said, people are minefields for me right now. And of the small handful I’m okay with, I’m the kind of lonely where the only thing that makes a dent is 24/7 constant communication.

For many, many reasons, that’s not feasible.

It’s good, I guess, to recognize your problems, but I don’t really have any solutions. My experiments with trying to make more friends (and if you’re reading this it is probably not about you, I don’t vague about people I have conversations with; the embarrassment alone would keep that from happening) end with me wanting to blow a hole in my head.

It’s like... okay, I’m lonely. But I keep finding communities that make me feel even more alone. It’s one thing to feel lonely when you’re isolated, but stepping outside and realizing that all of the places you thought would be a good fit are on completely the wrong wavelength?

That’s where suicide starts feeling like the only option. Being alone as a choice is easier than being alone because you don’t fit.

By at least one definition, I’m an extrovert. People give me energy. Being alone at all makes me miserable.

Look, I was dreading the third season coming out for more reasons than I will ever have the nerve to admit publicly. I’ve spent months wanting to die just from that (again, not a healthy person here).

But I thought I’d get to be part of that energy for it. As bad as I knew my head would make it, I was also aware, on some level, that there would be some really cool stuff for me to love.

Except for a lot of reasons that people can infer (and twenty more that I would rather die than provide hints to (that turn of phrase is terrible when you’re suicidal and me; all I can think whenever I type it is, “well yes, I’d rather die than most things”)), I can’t go anywhere near fandom right now.

This huge explosion of enthusiasm, and if I try to touch it, I’m going to get burned. Just because of what my head is doing to me. I’m sensitive to all the wrong things. I’m like a kid with a candy allergy on Halloween.

Sometimes I feel like the answer to all my problems is, “just Get Well.”

If I were healthy, depression would have fewer pits to hide in. If I were healthy, I would have the energy to resist the OCD. If I were healthy, I would have a life outside the internet and the things that happen here wouldn’t feel so overwhelming. If I were healthy, things would work the way they’re supposed to.

I’m not. I’m not even in a stable state of unhealthy. That’s what doctors are for. And meds. I just need to be patient, hang in there, and wait to be healthy, and then it’ll be okay, and I can enjoy a comic book without thinking about slitting my throat. Right? That sounds good. That sounds like a thing I want.

It’s also not working. Things are deteriorating, and there’s nothing anyone can do. There’s nothing terminal wrong, just a million things that won’t work, and that no one has figured out how to fix.

I can’t make friends and can’t watch a cartoon without it triggering suicidal urges. Not thoughts. Active urges.

This post isn’t intended as a downspiral of angst, it’s me being at a loss. I exercise. I spend time in sunlight. I do everything I can to not curl up under my bed all day. I take the recommended pills. I put the therapy techniques I’ve been taught into practice.

And none of it is working well enough.

I’m not going to kill myself, but in defense of myself for wanting to, it is not an insane decision, just one that makes people besides me uncomfortable. If I had something terminal, or if I were someone’s pet, euthanasia would be encouraged.

But I’m human, and unless my suicidal urges have a ticking clock counting off how long I can resist them, I’m not terminal. This is a life I have to survive.

Here’s a thing, which I don’t think anyone really likes talking about. When you’re at the point where the only thing you can hold on to is fictional, everyone rolls their eyes or says with alarm that that’s not normal. Those are the nice reactions. If you invest yourself in fiction, you’re a child, and having real emotions about fake stuff is for mockery.

...I’m gonna pause for a second. Yeah, I’m dangerously emotionally and psychologically unhealthy, but. stories are supposed to make you connect to them. That’s what they’re intended for. Overreactions exist and all, but if you’re not having an emotional response to a story, the author’s failed. The whole art of crafting a story is getting a person to care. Making fun of people for participating makes zero sense.

Like... because I’m guessing anyone who’s going to send me hate already has at this point... “ha ha, this person’s upset because the thing they enjoyed isn’t enjoyable anymore!”

How dare people want to have fun. With the thing they’re spending their free time on.

Stories are selfish. Authors and audiences are all after things they, personally, want, and the fact that people are still acting like they’re somehow above all of that is laughable. Fiction is an instrument of greed. A reader reads something because of what they want. A writer writes something because of what they want. If you’re lucky, those wants line up, but for crying out loud, creation and consumption of fiction is ludicrously selfish.

It’s inventing or looking for a world tailored to your personal desires. What part of that screams objective altruism. That is the exact opposite of the point. Everyone involved is greedy and self-indulgent. The fact that some people remember themselves well enough to have manners about it doesn’t change what it is.

...Yes, I know I’m making it obvious why I have such a problem making friends shut up.

Anyway, back to my sad melodrama.

My thing is that my life is so endlessly unbearable that even something made up can’t go right. When you’re sad enough you’re counting on a fantasy made by someone else to improve your reality, you’re already kind of screwed.

When even something that small can’t go right?

How in the hell are you supposed to think anything else will?

There’s this line in IGPX where the antagonist team is going out of their way to get into the protagonist’s head. It’s something to the effect of, “you can’t even let him win a video game?” Dude’s playing a fun little game during his off time, antagonist sweeps in and ruins it.

One candle in a dark room casts a lot of light. Even like. a birthday candle. Small, pathetic, but compared to the darkness? Night and day.

Snuff that out, and there’s really nothing. Just a whole lot of black.

My candle’s mostly occupied giving me wax burns at the moment.

In conclusion my mental health is broken I want a new one.