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domm1etae · 2 days ago

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sent to tempt me - chapter seven

chapter seven: rosary and riddles

chapter summary: Yunho’s morning prayer gets ruined by thoughts of Mingi messing with his rosary. What’s supposed to be his sacred grounding tool now feels like a joke in Mingi’s hands. As Yunho tries to stay focused, all he can think about is that playful, intense moment they shared. The whole day’s ahead and mostly the theme of their project that they will get assigned, but Mingi’s smirk and the rosary won’t leave his mind

pairing: yunho x mingi

genre: smut (not yet but there will be eventually), angst, fluff, romance, m/m, non!idol!ateez, sub!yunho, dom!mingi, drama, coming of age, collage, religion

rating: 18+ (for the whole series bc there will be smut eventually) | mdni

word count: 3.3k

warnings under

collage, roommates, sub!yunho, dom!mingi, bad boy mingi and religious church good boy yunho same-sex attraction, m/m, teasing, dark themes, homophobia, self discovery, pet names, strangers to lovers, religion and religious topics, aaaand more will be added soon hehehe

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author's note: i lowkey hate the end of this chapter xddd but next chapter will be waaaay better and hopefully soon!

Yunho turned sharply toward the voice, his heart lurching into his throat.

Mingi was sprawled out on his bed like he owned the place, an air of effortless dominance radiating from him. His dark hair was tousled, messy in a way that seemed deliberate, with a few strands falling across his forehead. One arm was lazily tucked behind his head, showcasing the toned muscles of his bicep through the snug fabric of his black shirt. The shirt clung to him just enough to hint at the lean build beneath, while his other hand dangled something small and familiar, twirling it slowly between his fingers.

His rosary.

Yunho’s eyes widened as his stomach twisted into a knot. The sacred beads that had rested neatly on his bedside table were now draped casually in Mingi’s grasp, spinning like some trivial toy. The sight made Yunho’s breath hitch, and his fingers instinctively tightened into a fist.

Mingi’s long legs, clad in baggy jeans that contrasted sharply with his fitted top, were crossed at the ankles. His dark, heavy-lidded gaze locked onto Yunho’s with unsettling precision, the faintest curl of amusement playing at the corner of his mouth.

For a moment, Yunho couldn’t move. His heart pounded furiously in his chest, his mind racing with a confusing blend of irritation, unease, and something he couldn’t quite name. The sight of Mingi lounging there so nonchalantly, his presence so overwhelming, filled Yunho with a frustrating mix of emotions.

Why is he holding that? And why does he look so… Yunho swallowed hard, pushing the intrusive thought away.

The room felt too small, and yet Yunho stood rooted in place, his feet refusing to carry him forward. Mingi’s question lingered in the air like a challenge, its casual delivery somehow making it heavier.

Suddenly Jisung’s voice echoed in his head: Stand up for yourself. Don’t let him push you around.

Yunho squared his shoulders, willing his voice not to tremble. “Looks like I’m not at the dorm all the time, huh?” he replied, his tone sharper than he’d anticipated but carrying a confidence he hadn’t entirely expected.

Mingi’s expression remained unreadable for a moment, his sharp eyes studying Yunho with unnerving intensity. Then, slowly, the corner of his mouth curved into a smirk—small, almost imperceptible, but enough to make Yunho’s stomach churn uneasily.

“Our shy Christian boy is a little mouthy, isn’t he?” Mingi said, his tone low and teasing, as though he found Yunho’s defiance amusing. He twirled the rosary between his fingers, the beads catching the faint light of the room, and Yunho’s chest tightened.

The casual swing of the sacred object in Mingi’s hand sent a fresh wave of irritation through Yunho, mingling with a heat he didn’t want to acknowledge. The sight felt like a mockery, yet Yunho couldn’t tear his eyes away from the rosary—or from the way Mingi held it, as though it belonged to him.

Yunho took a step forward, his pulse racing, though his voice came out steadier than he felt. “Give that back,” he said firmly, gesturing toward the rosary in Mingi’s hand.

Mingi tilted his head, his smirk deepening as he held the beads higher, letting them dangle mockingly. “Oh?” he said, his voice dripping with amusement. “Come and get it, then.”

Yunho froze, his breath catching as the challenge hung in the air between them.

He hesitated, his steps faltering. The way Mingi looked at him, like he was daring him to make a move, made his skin prickle. But he wasn’t about to back down. Not now.

“Really?” Yunho muttered, irritation bubbling to the surface as he stepped closer.

Mingi chuckled, low and deep, a sound that sent an involuntary shiver down Yunho’s spine. “You want it or not?”

“Obviously, I do!” Yunho snapped, the frustration in his voice surprising even himself.

Mingi’s smirk widened, his amusement evident. “Then try harder.”

Something about Mingi’s playful tone lit a fire in Yunho. He lunged forward, his hand outstretched to grab the rosary, but Mingi was faster, pulling it back just in time.

“You’re impossible,” Yunho huffed, his frustration mounting.

“And you’re predictable,” Mingi countered, his voice dripping with amusement. He held the rosary above his head, his long fingers effortlessly keeping it out of Yunho’s reach.

The tension in the room was almost tangible as Yunho climbed onto the edge of Mingi’s bed, stretching to grab the rosary. Mingi shifted again, leaning back just enough to throw Yunho off balance.

“Careful,” Mingi teased, watching Yunho struggle.

Yunho glared at him, determined not to let Mingi have the last word. He pushed forward, trying to swipe the rosary from Mingi’s hand. The movement threw him off balance, and before he knew it, he was straddling Mingi on the bed, his knees planted on either side of Mingi’s hips.

Their faces were suddenly far too close.

Yunho froze, his breath catching as he realized the position he was in. Mingi, however, looked completely unbothered, his smirk softening into something more unreadable.

“Not so mouthy anymore, are we?” Mingi murmured, his voice low and teasing.

Yunho’s mind went blank, his pulse roaring in his ears. The way Mingi looked at him, his dark eyes searching Yunho’s face, made him feel exposed in a way he couldn’t explain.

“Cat got your tongue?” Mingi asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He tilted his head slightly, his gaze dropping to Yunho’s lips for just a second before meeting his eyes again.

The moment felt like it stretched on forever.

Then, as if snapping out of a trance, Yunho darted forward, snatching the rosary from Mingi’s grasp. He scrambled back to the edge of the bed, clutching the beads tightly in his hand.

Mingi sat up slowly, stretching his arms above his head as if nothing had happened. “Relax, I was just playing,” he said, though the mischievous glint in his eyes suggested otherwise.

Yunho didn’t respond. He was too busy trying to steady his breathing, his knuckles white from gripping the rosary so tightly.

Mingi swung his legs off the bed, standing and leaning casually against Yunho’s desk.

Yunho stammered, his voice barely above a whisper. “S-so, what did you want to talk about?”

Mingi raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed with Yunho’s attempt to regain composure. “The project, obviously.” he said, his tone dry. “We’ll have to work on this after classes. Neither of us has time to mess around, so we might as well get it done.”

“Okay,” Yunho managed, his voice small.

Mingi continued, laying out a plan. “We’ll be picking the theme tomorrow in class. After that, we should meet, probs at the library and start planning. Agreed? Or are you too busy clutching onto that rosary to focus?” He watched Yunho’s hand unconsciously tighten around the beads, a glimmer of smug satisfaction lighting up his face for a moment.

Yunho nodded, still clutching the rosary like it was a lifeline.

Mingi’s gaze lingered on him for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then, with a smirk, he pushed off the desk and headed for the door.

As he reached the threshold, he glanced back over his shoulder, his smirk widening. “See you tomorrow, my project buddy.”

The teasing lilt in his voice made Yunho’s face burn.

Once the door clicked shut behind Mingi, Yunho let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

He looked down at the rosary in his hand, his fingers tracing over the familiar beads. The memory of Mingi holding it lingered in his mind, unshakable. There was something about the way Mingi had swung it, twirled it, held it between his fingers like it was something precious…

Yunho closed his eyes, exhaling shakily. This project is going to kill me, he thought, clutching the rosary tighter.

-----

Yunho woke to the soft light of dawn spilling through the blinds, the warmth of his quilt making it hard to crawl out of bed. For a few blissful seconds, his mind was blank, cushioned by the grogginess of sleep. The air was cool and quiet, offering him a sense of calm before the demands of the day.

He took a deep breath, letting it fill his lungs before exhaling slowly. Mornings were his sanctuary—a time to ground himself, to find clarity through prayer before the world intruded.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Yunho’s bare feet met the cool floor. He reached for the rosary on his nightstand, its smooth beads a familiar comfort in his palm. Closing his fingers around it, he moved to the side of the bed, kneeling with practiced ease.

The position was second nature to him, a cornerstone of his mornings for as long as he could remember. With the rosary clasped between his hands, Yunho bowed his head until it rested lightly against his knuckles.

“Lord,” he began softly, his voice steady in the stillness. “Thank You for this new day. Please guide me to walk in Your light and resist the temptations that may come my way…”

He trailed off, his thoughts snagging on that word: temptations.

The room was silent except for the faint sound of his own breathing. Yunho tried to stay focused, to keep his mind on the prayer and the steady rhythm of the beads between his fingers. But then his eyes fluttered open, his gaze falling to the rosary in his hands.

The beads glinted softly in the morning light, their smooth surface catching his attention. He traced one with his thumb, the repetitive motion usually grounding him. Yet today, something about it felt… different.

And then, as if summoned by the devil himself, an image flashed in Yunho’s mind: Mingi holding the rosary, twirling it between his long fingers with that lazy, self-assured smirk. Yunho’s breath hitched, his thumb stilling on the bead.

Why was he thinking about that?

The memory deepened, vivid and unbidden. Mingi’s painted fingers had moved with a casual grace, like he owned the rosary, like it was just another prop in his endless arsenal of charm. His dark eyes had gleamed with something Yunho couldn’t name, and the smirk on his lips had carried a challenge Yunho didn’t know how to meet.

Yunho swallowed hard, forcing his gaze back to the rosary in his hands. It was supposed to be a symbol of his faith, a reminder of his connection to God. But right now, all he could see was the way it had looked in Mingi’s hands—how he’d held it like he had every right to touch something so sacred.

The harder Yunho tried to focus on his prayer, the more vivid the memory became. The way Mingi had lounged on the bed, completely at ease in a space that wasn’t his. The way his voice had dipped, low and teasing, as he’d called Yunho “mouthy.”

Why does he have to be so… Yunho’s thoughts stumbled, skidding dangerously close to a line he didn’t want to cross. …so annoying.

Yeah. Annoying. That’s what he meant.

But his mind refused to stop there. It dragged him further, kicking and screaming, to the way Mingi’s shirt had clung to his torso, hinting at the lean muscle beneath. The way his smirk had deepened, like he knew exactly what he was doing.

Yunho froze, horror crashing over him like a wave. No. Stop. What am I even—

“Lord, forgive me,” he whispered, his voice trembling. He squeezed his eyes shut, bowing his head lower as shame clawed at him. “I don’t know why I’m thinking this. Please, help me to keep my thoughts pure.”

The words felt hollow, like they couldn’t erase what had already taken root in his mind. Yunho’s grip on the rosary tightened until his knuckles turned white.

After a long moment, he exhaled shakily, loosening his hold on the beads. He couldn’t let himself get caught up in… whatever this was. He had more important things to focus on.

Rising to his feet, Yunho placed the rosary carefully back on his nightstand. He padded to the small kitchen area, relieved to find it empty. The quiet felt like a blessing, a chance to gather himself without anyone noticing the storm swirling inside him.

He grabbed a banana and a slice of bread, eating quickly and without much thought. His mind was already shifting to the day ahead—class, the project, and, inevitably, Mingi.

Yunho sighed, slinging his bag over his shoulder as he headed out the door. The fresh air hit him like a reset button, clearing some of the fog from his mind.

Just focus on school, he told himself firmly. Don’t let him get to you.

But even as he walked, the memory of Mingi’s smirk lingered, stubborn and unshakable.

The lecture hall was filled with the usual hum of students packing up as the bell rang, signaling the end of class. Even though the lecture had ended, now it was time for the class to receive the much-anticipated theme assignments for the semester project.

Their professor was making her way around the room, handing out papers. She moved quickly, her heels clicking sharply against the floor as she stopped in front of each row, sliding the papers onto desks without a word. Yunho’s eyes were on the paper as it was placed in front of him, his hands gripping the edges lightly as if the weight of the task ahead was already sinking in.

“Now, as I mentioned last class,” the professor’s voice echoed across the room, sharp and professional, “your semester project will require you to explore a central literary theme. Each of you will dive deep into a specific work, and I expect a comprehensive analysis over the next two and a half months. Be sure to integrate historical context, authorial intent, and, of course, your own critical perspective.”

Yunho barely registered her words. He was already mentally preparing for the work ahead, thinking of the research and reading he had to do, feeling the familiar pressure of a looming deadline. He wasn’t the most excited about the project, but it was a part of the course, and it would likely affect his grade.

Mingi, on the other hand, looked entirely too relaxed, almost as though he was already bored with the assignment. He was leaning back in his chair, his eyes lazily scanning the room, but there was something in his expression—something almost predatory—that made Yunho uneasy. Mingi always had a way of making everything feel like a game, even the most serious things. Yunho glanced over at him, and for a brief moment, their eyes met. Mingi was grinning, that familiar smirk tugging at his lips, and Yunho felt the weirdest sensation of discomfort crawl up his spine.

After a moment, the professor stood at the front of the room, holding up a sheet of paper. She looked around, her gaze sweeping across the room before it landed on the class.

“Now,” she continued, her tone not quite as warm as before, “for each pair, I’ve assigned a theme to explore through the works of various authors. As you all know, these pairings were finalized last class, so I’m sure you’re aware of who you’ll be working with. For Jeong Yunho and Song Mingi…” She paused, her gaze landing on them for just a second, and Yunho felt the weight of her eyes. “…you will explore the theme of decadence.”

Yunho blinked, his heart momentarily skipping a beat. Decadence? His thoughts scrambled, but he couldn’t form a coherent response in time before the professor moved on. The word itself was a heavy one—so full of excess, indulgence, and moral decline. It felt wrong to even think about it, especially in the context of his project partner. He glanced over at Mingi, whose relaxed demeanor hadn't shifted. If anything, he looked pleased, as though this theme had been made for him.

Yunho’s throat tightened. "Decadence?" he muttered softly under his breath, his eyes dropping to the paper in his hands. The name "Oscar Wilde" jumped out at him in bold text. The Picture of Dorian Gray. Yunho knew the novel, of course, but it was one he had always approached with caution. Wilde’s work was brimming with themes that felt too dangerous, too controversial, too… indulgent for his taste. He wasn’t sure how he felt about spending the next two and a half months analyzing it, especially with Mingi.

The professor, clearly aware that the students needed to hear more, continued in her clipped tone, starting with Yunho and Mingi. “Specifically, the theme of decadence as illustrated in Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray. Your task will be to explore how Wilde’s depiction of excess, moral decline, and the consequences of a hedonistic lifestyle defines the notion of decadence. You should focus on Wilde’s philosophy and his own life, particularly how his trials shaped his views on morality, art, and society.”

As the professor moved on, Yunho’s eyes were still glued to the paper, his mind working overtime. The words on the page seemed to blur together. Wilde’s life, his struggles with his identity, his unflinching views on art and excess—it all felt overwhelming and weirdly familiar to Yunho. But what bothered Yunho the most wasn’t the assignment itself. It was that damn pairing. He would be working with Mingi—Mingi, who thrived on chaos and indulgence, who could turn anything into a joke or a game. It made Yunho uneasy to think about how Mingi might approach the project.

Yunho glanced at Mingi again, only to find him still grinning—though now it looked more like an amused smirk than anything else. Mingi’s eyes locked with Yunho’s once more, and the smile on his face grew wider, almost predatory. It was a look Yunho had seen before—one that made him question what Mingi was really thinking.

The professor’s voice broke his thoughts as she moved to the next pair. “Please take your time and plan carefully. I expect you to meet regularly with your partner and discuss your findings. The more thorough your research, the better your project will be. I’ll see you all in two weeks for the first check-in.”

Yunho blinked, still staring at the paper in his hands. He didn’t even realize that the professor had dismissed them until Mingi’s voice reached him.

“Meet me at the library later,” Mingi murmured, his tone low and teasing, his voice laced with something that made Yunho’s stomach tighten. “I’m sure we’ll have a lot to discuss. I hope you’re not backing out or are you?”

Yunho swallowed, glancing up at Mingi, who was already standing and gathering his things. That familiar grin was still on his face, the one that always made Yunho feel like he was in the middle of some game he didn’t understand.

Yunho’s heart skipped a beat. “The library at three?”

“Perfect,” Mingi said with a grin that sent an uncomfortable shiver down Yunho’s spine. “Don’t be late. We wouldn’t want to waste any time.”

Yunho watched as Mingi walked out of the room with his usual nonchalant swagger, leaving Yunho to sit there with the weight of the assignment pressing down on him. He wasn’t sure if he was more anxious about the project or the fact that he would be spending so much time with Mingi—someone who seemed to make everything feel dangerously close to crossing some invisible line. He let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair as he stared at the paper again.

Decadence. Dorian Gray. The idea of exploring all of that with Mingi, who seemed to live in a world of excess and indulgence without batting an eye, made Yunho’s head spin. But he had no choice now. The project was set. And Mingi had already made it clear that he wasn’t backing down.

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gayymomgod · 11 days ago

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2019 - 2024 retrospective

oh wow. okay. we just past christmas and new years is coming up. uhm. this is going to be my longest and most Emotionally Open blog post yet so watch out. i also only looked through this one so... bear with me.

(more under the read me because this is like... almost 4k words. this is also cross-posted on my bear blog!! i just like tumblr)

it's so crazy to see how far i've come. like… huh. i didn't think i'd ever get to this point, really. and because i've been thinking a lot about the shit i've dealt with over the years and never really gave myself a proper outlet for it, here's a bit of a retrospective from the past couple of years. (~2019 – 2024)

i went through a ton of shit in high school. i mean, who doesn't? for me, a lot of it was built off shit that was building up all throughout elementary + middle school. being autistic and not noticing i was sensory sensitive, i needed extra help often, i worked more slowly than others, i had troubles making/maintaining friends, all while struggling to keep up with schoolwork… all with no accommodations. it all built up and crashed BADLY when the pandemic happened. (i was in freshman year during 2019/2020.) i was barely hanging on by a thread.

quick timeline so things make sense before we continue:

2019/2020 – freshman year. i was doing so-so while in school, but things were starting to affect me. pandemic started in march 2020 and we got out of school around this time. we didn’t go back for the remainder of the year.

2020/2021 – sophomore year. this entire year was virtual. spent the entire time depressed and not attending my classes. none of the class credits here matter cause we all passed anyway.

2021/2022 – junior year. we went back to school in person. tons of shit went down academically because of how depressed and exhausted i’ve become.

2022/2023 – senior year. basically, a continuation of junior year except the looming threat of graduation hung over my head.

i was exhausted and ran down all throughout high school. i felt like, no matter how hard i fought and advocated for myself in my accommodations, education, or in my relationships, i had no control over what happened to me. the admins within my school were failing and invalidating me, choosing to take away resources from me and making me feel not deserving of them because of how bad i was doing in school. (that was caused by my depression, mind you.) some teachers viewed me as a bad and lazy student and was criticized often for forgetting my materials, for my grades being low, and not doing my work. there was even this one time where, in my freshman year, my English teacher compared me to this one girl in my class. she told me that this one girl dealt with an abusive household and alcoholic parents but was still a straight A student. after she told me this, she said, “she’s dealt with worse, yet she still comes to school and keeps her grades up. why can’t you be like that?” this has stuck with me for ages and begun my self-inflicted invalidation of my own trauma. though, some were nice enough to notice i was struggling and helped me. some gave me extra time to finish work, some were more lenient towards me, and some gave me space to talk if i needed to. my school counselors though, they were no help up until my senior year. (which… i was disappointed to find out that the one school counselor in my senior year who advocated for and helped me was no longer there the next school year. hm.) school already took away my energy and drive to keep going, the least i could do is hold onto a hope to keep pushing that, frankly, over the years before graduation, depleted significantly. which is like… crazy to think about. i’m an innately optimistic and hopeful person. it’s the one thing i hold onto when i have absolutely nothing left within my control… and i had no control over my high school life. my hope was all i had. it really did get that bad.

during my junior year, before summer school started and when i realized that higher ups were not going to help me, i took matters into my own hands. i NEEDED some sort of accommodations or help or… something!! i felt like i was losing myself the further i went on without help. i looked to find out who oversaw special ed to ask them what the process of getting of 504 or IEP or ANYTHING was. it sucks that i had to do this on my own. we got in contact, and she was willing to meet with me and talk with me to see what was up, and see if we can do anything in the following school year. so that’s what happened, i met up with her after my summer school class ended for the day and we got to talk and i got to tell her what was going on. i told her how my dean, (junior) school counselor, and my social worker all told me i couldn’t get the help i wanted because i wasn’t attending classes and how it felt like they were all teaming up against me over something i couldn’t control. she did tell me i couldn’t get an IEP or 504 plan without a diagnosis (i can’t get one I’m Poor) but that she’ll get me in contact with the school psychologist to try and see if there is anything they can do for me, and that she was glad i reached out. i finally felt like i was going somewhere. when school rolled around and senior year started, i got to talk to the school psychologist in person and we figured things out from there. getting any diagnosis for ADHD or autism would be difficult now that we’re post-covid due to wait-times, and even she couldn’t bypass them anymore. but she could get me an in-school therapist. which i happily accepted, i just needed Something. i started to go to school late everyday from here on out, as it was the only way i was able to make it through at all.

i didn’t think i’d graduate at all by this point. maybe at best, i’d graduate late, but i think i would’ve gotten really discouraged to continue. i told friends that i was trying to push to graduate on time, so i can graduate and be alongside them. that was my goal, mainly because i knew i wouldn’t have finished school otherwise. my two older brothers dropped out and my older sister graduated early, so my mom had never been to one of the big ceremonies for one of her kids. i wanted the big ceremony, i wanted to be celebrated, i wanted to walk with my friends, i wanted the acknowledgment that I Made It. the number of times i’ve been met with “just drop out” astonishes me. i don’t blame them, nor do i hold it against them, and i never will. i just don’t think any of them truly understood the predicament i was in at all. i mean, how could they? i was behind on credits, i had troubles getting to school on time due to how exhausted i was, and i had troubles keeping my grades up if i couldn’t keep up with the class. they got there to school on time, they kept up with schoolwork, they had good grades. they never had to redo failed classes. they never skipped class early or missed full days because the exhaustion was wearing them down, the lights were too bright, or everything was too loud. even though they meant well, it did slightly exacerbate the loneliness i was already dealing with. plus, i couldn’t drop out. that wasn’t an option at all. they said this out of, from a lack of better words, a place of privilege. i had already spent too much time trying to recover everything to give up like that. i took summer school to recover what credits i could (which i barely finished one class), i had more credits to recover during senior year because of how shit went down during junior year, and i’d already had done so much work for that, too. i’m sure they all said this to help and didn’t really know what to suggest for the situation that i was in. i’d never really held any resentment over this. if anything, i was quietly envious that they could even suggest something like that. that they were able to keep up with school without struggling as badly as i did. it just stuck onto me, anyway.

and before i continue, i did want to add something. despite the shit i mentioned above, i’m being so serious when i say that i pushed myself to go to school often just to see my friends. i’ve known most of these people since middle school, so they knew me more intimately than most. and during this time, i had a hard time making new friends. i was just too tired to maintain contact with people. though that wasn’t entirely new, i’d been like that in middle school, but it definitely worsened during high school. but those who kept being friends with me even though i was constantly tired, and even though it felt like i wasn’t deserving of it, they meant the absolute world to me. there’s a whole thing about this, something something i didn’t have any friends during elementary school so the friends i made in middle school were my First Real Friends, and they have a special place in my heart. i hated school, but i looked forward to seeing my best friend and a few others during lunch. i looked forward to seeing rainer after school to hang out and, once we got art together senior year, i looked forward to that, too. school was definitely still difficult and nothing could really change that (unless the admin helped me but they didn’t), and some friends definitely had their… faults… (i dealt with my fair share of friend drama) but friends, overall, did make going to class easier.

when we were finally reaching the final few months of senior year, the stress got worse. it got to the point that i can vaguely remember what happened within this time frame, and this only happened over a year ago. what i do remember though, was that at some point, i had to start taking night classes to have more time dedicated to my missing credits. this happened after school for about three/four hours, and i was only getting more tired. i remember crashing on the first day and breaking down over feeling myself being stretched thin and feeling absolutely hopeless. what made it worse was me trying to open up to my best friend at the time about how i felt only to be met with disregard. i don’t think they remember this now, but i do, and it did push me away from wanting to talk about how i feel, which i heavily struggled with at the time, for a longer time. but even with this, i worked my absolute ASS off to get those credits i needed to graduate. and my lovely graduation coaches, i’ll never forget them. those two coaches were the only two, out of three, adults in the entire school who really believed i could finish my classes on time, even when i believed i couldn’t. (the other being my senior year school counselor.)

believe it or not, i did graduate on time. i even got to attend prom before this! i was told i technically needed to be on social probation due to me missing a ton of school, but with some explanations and help from my school psychologist, i got to attend prom. (though in retrospect, i felt very left out.) for my graduation though, i had to attend a mandatory senior bootcamp, an extra two weeks granted to seniors who needed to catch up on credits. by the end of these two weeks, i was done with EVERYTHING except one class, which i had done over half. my graduation coach had known me the entire time i slaved over finishing my missing classes and saw how determined i was to finish. she wasn’t going to let me not graduate over this and i will forever remember this. she contacted my school counselor, and they were able to fill out a grade change form for me.

i was never considered a senior during my senior year, but i finally was on the last day of the senior bootcamp. sure, i never got a school id indicating i’m a senior and i never got to enjoy senior privileges (which… i’m totally not petty about [sarcasm]) but i finally qualified to graduate. i’d be graduating on time, and i’ve never felt more relieved. (there was one more hiccup, but it was quickly resolved.) i finally felt like i could just… relax. the ceremony itself felt a little weird and i left out once again, watching the students chosen to give a speech talk about things that could never apply to me. (i never bounced back from the pandemic like they and others did, my academics suffered even once we came back.) i felt quietly envious of those on the stage who were regarded as some of their best students.

but i was out. i actually made it out with my diploma in hand after believing i never would. i have it hung up on my wall now because i’ll be damned if i don’t show it off after fighting tooth and nail for that thing. i graduated june 2023, and that will forever be cemented in my head.

from june 2023 to now, it’s been nothing but unearthing traumas and doing my best to heal. it’s been really, really hard though. my in-school therapist was a part of a service where i was allowed to continue seeing him, so i had continued sessions with him. something i had never realized the entire time i had been in school was how heavily masked (autistic masking) i was, especially after elementary. the reason why i wasn’t as sensitive at school as i was at home, why i spent so much time preparing for how i’ll interact with others, why i was so hypervigilant with how i came off to people (my tone of voice, my facial expressions, my body language, etc.), why i never talked about my special interests as much as i would to my friends despite having having little keychains of my special interests… i was masking. and heavily so, it got to the point that masking all day, in an environment that was constantly bright and loud and i had to socialize constantly in, wore me down so badly that i could never do anything once i got home. i just went straight to bed. and this became Very Much Apparent after graduation. i crashed and was exhausted for months. now knowing i had no more school, and since i had no job, i spent most of my time for months in bed just recuperating. this is also when my biggest insecurities told hold, since feelings i didn’t really let myself Fully feel during school resurfaced now that i Could.

now that i’ve graduated, and so has everyone else around me, the next thing people were thinking about was college. this was my first major hurdle i had to push through, because obviously i wasn’t going to college, but everyone around me was. i became incredibly insecure about the fact that i didn’t have anything planned for myself like everyone else did. i felt so increasingly left behind. despite this though, i didn’t force myself to go. i had no money to attend anyway, so it worked in my favor. and thank god i didn’t go. initially, when everyone started going to college, i was increasingly worried, but it eased over time. i did have to experience my long-time best friend leaving me behind for months and not communicating with me, and it did and still does hurt. but that, compared to what i dealt with while in school, is much preferred. during this time, rainer had made sure to at least be someone constant for me, anyway. so i at least had, and still do have, someone there for me.

after years of trying to avoid and invalidate myself, i’ve finally come to accept the fact that i do deal with academic trauma and am also autistic. well, i’m still accepting me being autistic, but i’m getting there. i spent YEARS agonizing and distressed over things i could not control all because of me being autistic and depressed, and i had my own control taken away by those who were supposed to help me. i was a child. i was a Whole Ass Kid who was viewed as Lazy and Bad and as Not Trying Hard Enough despite me pushing myself beyond my own limits to the point of hurting and traumatizing myself. i dealt with stressful bad dreams regarding being in class again, or being left behind, or not doing good enough for ages, and i still sometimes do. i still talk a lot about the shit i dealt with during school because of how much it’s hurt me. it’s quite literally Changed Me As A Person. did you know i wanted to go to college? at first it was for psychology or something to be a social worker or a therapist, but that was before things got really bad. when i realized i couldn’t due to the work load, i wanted to go in for an illustration degree and be a cartoon storyboarder. neither obviously never happened, and frankly, i don’t have the drive for either anymore. i’m still an artist, that has and will always be a part of me, especially since it’s my main coping mechanism, but going to college is something i no longer have the energy for.

sometime after i graduated, in august 2023 i believe, i met up with an old teacher of mine. she had been a teacher of mine in elementary school and has always been someone who had always believed in me. she knew me before i was me. we met up so we could sign up for a ceramics class together (she was paying I Am Poor), and i wanted to try since that was one of the classes in high school i was enrolled in but didn’t go due to my exhaustion. however, all the seats were filled so we just went to a café together. she had told me about a friend of hers (which i met once in 4th grade) who was in a local organization that helps young adults gain experience for jobs and whatnot, and i was interested in meeting her because i knew i was going to have trouble starting shit myself. it just so happened that said friend was in that same café too. things just aligned for me that day, really. we talked more in depth about what she does, and they sent me the resources to be part of that organization. i was really lucky, and i am forever grateful to the people that i know who are connected to stuff like this and connect me to them.

things just kinda fell into place after that. it’s the end of 2024 now, and i can say that i’m content with myself more than ever. even though i dealt with friendship fallouts, there are others who stayed. rainer was one of these friends, along with another friend a part of this same friend group. we’ve gotten closer, too. rainer even takes me to therapy and hang out after too, how fun! (i cannot drive… but it’s okay i look forward to being in the car with him every week.) i kept in contact with a few people from high school that i have friendly conversations with sometimes. i’m starting a job soon at my local library that i’m excited to start. i’m reaching five months on T. my life is quieter. it’s nice.

i won’t deny that i’m still working on myself, obviously. i still get really insecure about my place in relationships with people, that i’ll be left behind. there are nights where my insecurity regarding not being enough gets to me. i still ruminate and overthink about things i shouldn’t be. i still emotionally self-harm myself. i catch myself catastrophizing sometimes. sometimes it feels like i was comfortable in the depression i was in. and the biggest one, i feel like all of this is just too good to be true sometimes, that i’ll go back and not be able to get out. i get angry and upset at myself for this shit, and cry over this shit often too. i’m very emotional and things get to me easily. but i choose to continue anyway and trust that things will be okay. i don’t want to go back to the hell hole i was in. there is no looking back if there’s nothing to look back at, anyway. at least, not really. plus, i fought too goddamn hard to get where i am now, i’m not messing this shit up. i like my present and my future right now.

so that’s where i am now. we’re reaching new years now, and 2025 is looking promising for me. hopefully, at least. i’m happy with myself right now. i’m in a better place and have the space to be better. i’ve been unmasking too and learning who i really am outside of a traumatizing environment. i didn’t know i was as emotionally sensitive as i’ve come to find out i am, but i found that out. i got myself noise cancelling headphones for when things are too loud for me to handle. it’s easier to love and show that i love people now. and, because of how harsh high school was to me, i’ve at least learned how to confront people and try not to let myself just Take Shit like before so… there’s that, too.

i’m not sure how to end this, but i like my life. and that’s crazy to say considering i didn’t even care about what happened to me during school. i got lucky regarding certain circumstances. it’s only been almost two years since i’ve graduated, and i just hope my healing journey continues alongside those i love and the opportunities i’m given continue to stay, i’ve had enough of losing things and not having control of my own life. that and i hope this new year is kind to us. that’s all i wish for.

okay thank you for reading, it was so great finally being able to put shit i’ve been thinking about for years onto words… and admitting i’m traumatized because of school is cool too, i don’t think i’d ever been able to say that. i hope this was an enjoyable read, gave some insight into me, or something else, i don’t know. don’t expect me to shut up about this though, i’m still working my way through shit. ok thank u YAY

#esmé sillies #retrospective #or something #uhhhh yeah gwah #3.8k words that's crazy #i had a lot to say regarding my entire time in school but i don't think anything will really describe how miserable and lonely i felt #i wish i could .... i've got anger in me over this #being mistreated by those who were supposed to help .... fawwwk u guys #i will forever be thankful to my friends who stayed by me anyway even tho i had troubles keeping in contact #gwah....#also #i forgot to say something about this here …#i know that not everyone who went to school on time or had good grades was in a good position either #i just felt like.. on my end.. that they were more better fit to do the shit they wanted in terms of higher education #while i could not #not to mention #my family was on my ass and constantly got on me for how poorly i was doing in class #so it just … i harbored envy even if i knew they weren’t doing so hot either for other circumstances #ANYWAY !!!! just wanted to add that note #bc i don’t feel like adding that in now

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