#bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that
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Rewatching act 2.... yeah ISHA WATCH OUT FOR THE CYCLE ISHA!!!!! NOOOOO
#ambessa setting up the logs on a fireplace while literally adding fuel to the fire with cailtyn... subtelty#silco spent his whole life trying to rile the undercity together STUPID JOKE THAT IT IS you have the chance to pull it off#isha is the true revolutionary after all... jinx get up to her level#was jinx scared of having hallucinations when the girl she released was gonna touch her shoulder??? and then she didn't#what i find really funny is that warwick knows how to use elevators and that funicular to the prison#also there is a lot of blood when he appears in the prison.... it was surprising#vander recognizing jinx with the name of powder after she complained about it eariler its just crazy crazy crazy#people commenting that its unrealistic how caitlyn bests vi when they meet in episode 6 as if there wasn't a montage about how she lost her#edge because of alcohol and living like shit.... she's not like jinx lmao....#rewatching so recently is so weird i imagine it is as close as being dr manhattan as i can get it is literally happening all at once#also the people of piltover are so dumb... lets let the government implement martial law and put this 20 something with 0 political#experience on charge with the army of this outsider agent. alright. i can tell you guys dont vote in this oligarchy you know fuck all#well i guess in that case it isnt the people of piltovers fault... just the important families that contribute in this oligarchy...#putting count fagula in charge.... salo is speciallt dumb but we all knew that#katie leung needs awards btw.... and interviews#“do not test this or you will yearn for caitlyn's dungeons” be careful singed my friend vi fell for that and look at her... her dungeons...#vander reaching for isha not jinx.... OR VI.... she just stopped him#“hes gonna kill you” and vi fighting vander to protect jinx.... yeah#and then she trusts jinx and the beast turns into vander... he serves as a recognizing tool for their true selves...#their mom being so worried about how to name vi and then names the second one POWDER kahdksjsk never not funny... also the barber of zaun#when vi joins with jayce she unlocks this loser flop aspect of her mother's inheritance.... two losers joining to maximize their joint flop#also vander kinda giving up this promise to protect the girls instead of bettering zaun... how it puts him in a standstill bc it's either or#like damn there is nothing as undoing as a daughter for reals. she didnt experience that bc she died so now vander has to and here we are#episide 6 starts with the end of the episode when viktor drops that metal piece..... hello..... is this anything#“do you think this place could work” underground utopia.... DYNASTIES AND DYSTOPIA FEAR IS NEVER AN OPTION SO DYING'S NOT A REAL PROBLEM#didnt ambessa suspect anything when they spent loke a full minite staring at each other 😭😭 she's lost her edge...#just like when she clocked sevika but not jinx... when there's a strong butch in the area her radar gets jammed up#and caitlyn leaving her weapon behind... ambessa thought she was gonna fistfight warwick or something#the metal thing falling when viktor dies repeats THREE TIMES WHAT DOES THAT MEAN#watching arcane season 2
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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#manectric#i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk#but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric#el woowoo‚ if you will#a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day#so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday#hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years#looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow#which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations#for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA#plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory#overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me#so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little#worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY#this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains#that's about it#any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar#places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it#also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking#about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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Doin bad again folx
#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable#summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400#literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all#not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due#able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much#my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one#i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts#nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops#I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness#I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too#bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that#+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me#my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life#on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them#currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn#I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief#but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors#despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee#Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse#fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn#mine#txt#vent post#suicidal ideation tw#<- cry for help
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...
#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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i fucking love isekai stories but unfortunately i have severe case of second hand embarrassment and also anxiety so im always constantly on edge like oh my god stop acting so weird theyre GONNA KNOW
#says a lot abt me!!#who needs a therapist when you got isekais#or even just reincarnation stories#isekais where they transmigrate into a book or whatever is like agonizing to me#cuz either the mc is fumbling to be normal and not like theyre a modern human in a fantasy book (jesse my beloved)#or they go all in the weirdness and everyones just like haha oh you :)#(ellet transmigrators privelage my beloved) (i need to catch up on that actually)#its why jesse in twsb gives me severe oh my fucking god feelings#cuz hes like. SO WEIRD. from an outsiders perspective#and he doesnt know shit abt the book which is worse? and the things he does know hes like SO AURE ABT#hes like things have changes feom the original novel? thats fine things are gonna ho the same anyways :)#which like on one hand hes bot wrong events do tend to happen the same in isekai stories#BUT THE RELATIONSHIPS WONT??#like hes already changed a major plotppint like by literally arriving and man thinks he has evwything on lovk#hes gonna kill me one day. and its specifically bc he keeps saying OUT LOUD that chris and cedric are like ao obviously in love#LIKE HELLO GET SOME EYES?? AND EARS??? CRITICAL THINKING??#michi tag#wasnt even reading twsb rn he just gives me the most grief
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That was probably my last fanfic for a while. Just so everyone knows. rambling in the tags for the curious.
#grems know bc ive been moaning about it but writing takes a lot out of me especially because im unmedicated#im out of ideas for narumitsu and writing for franmaya to dramatically less audience is fucking depressing#it's not that i dont appreciate the interaction i DO get it's just that i want to write franmaya and it seems like nobody cares about it#i dont care if that makes me vain or overly dependent on flattery or a bad writer. maybe that's true.#i have come a long long way on not needing outside validation but that doesnt change the fact that writing for a void is depressing#any fics i write are already written for my friends at this point and published for my own sense of self satisfaction#but all my ideas left are franmaya + very long and very involved and i just dont have it in me anymore#if you like my writing then please follow my game dev account#it's @sadghoststudios everywhere#i want to write something that fulfils me and is worth my time and maybe fanfiction isnt that anymore#and im working on some game stuff that is gonna be really awesome. it deserves to be my primary project for once#hashtag promo if you like AA you'll like what im working on :))))) sigh#i have a great catalog of fics im really proud of. and i dont regret a second i spent writing them#but i think i'm done. for now at least#sorry. thanks for everything
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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If you're wondering how I'm doing at 3am, I just spent a harrowing 20 minutes trying to get a collar back on this dog, the whole time worrying he was gonna bite me and I was gonna have to wake up my grandparents to drive me to an ER 🙃🫠
But hey! Good news no dog bites for me and now his electric fence collar doesn't look like it's about to fall off if he does one good shake so he can go back to avoiding me completely outside
#But for real this dog is stressing me ouuuuut#It was already a struggle to get him inside and the collar Off in the first place#(I did think he was going to bite then but he just nipped and didn't really apply pressure)#But then I was trying to get it back on immediately and he would Not have it#But he Needs the fence collar on bcs he's mostly an outside dog and that's fine!#But I need to know he's not going wandering who knows where#So eventually I was like 'okay I can try again in the morning first thing before taking all the dogs out'#And then I laid in bed for three hours stressed about it and how was I gonna do it#So eventually I gave up and got up to do it#And with a combination of American cheese peanut butter#And literally him going in a spot where he was stuck facing Away from me#(plus the thickest--not even that thick--hoodie in my aunt's back closet for semi bite protection)#He's got the collar on again and fitted better so hopefully I will Not have to do this again#I'm just really glad that he just kinda... Gives up? If you approach from the back#Like he still could've easily turned his head and gotten my arm good but he didn't#Anyways I'll be dog sitting him (and his much sweeter sister) for a few weeks#And hopefully it goes a lot smoother from here on out#Mypersonalthings
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They're gonna monitor meeee & also I'm gonna get adhd testing. Also I nearly just fell off my bike. Not used to having a basket
#speculation nation#ive realized i typically get on and off the bike by swinging my leg around the back of it#but that's not viable anymore. bc there's a basket in the way#but i forgot about it and tried to get off my bike by swinging my leg round back. hit my ankle. bike started falling on me#but i Planted my foot and managed to catch myself b4 i ate absolute shit in front of all these people#not my most graceful moment but it couldve been worse!#but yea my appointment went well. i was tense at first but loosened up. the guy seems genuinely nice#realized a lot of my Issues could be attributed to untreated adhd. so theyre gonna try to hook me up with testing#& because of my history with [redacted] theyre having me do this monitoring thing bc lol#not like them literally watching me. but rather checking up with me#and frankly i probably do need it. id have admitted myself to a psych hospital long ago if it wouldnt be Hell for my finances#and also school and also i dont wanna be controlled like that. doesnt change that i am Very mentally unwell#in any case. feeling tentatively hopeful. maybe i can get things on track for next semester...#we'll see!#in any case im sitting outside and enjoying the weather. gonna read thru my lil drabble again for editing
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anyway yeah relevant to that post abt being deaf/hoh and ppl excluding u from conversation bc of it (even unintentionally), that's smth that's been really deeply bothering me lately bc there are a few ppl I routinely have to deal with who do it a lot and it Pisses Me The Fuck Off I've lost all patience w them. giving up and calling it ableism and walking out idc anymore 🚶♂️
#theres a guy at work whos incredibly annoying for it but tbh hes bad at his job in general anyway n everyones annoyed at him all the time#so at least i get some solidarity from my other coworkers (who are generally rly accommodating of my deafness)#i dunno how he hasnt got the memo ive explained im deaf so he needs to face me n make sure he has my attention n enunciate multiple times#but nope still not getting thru to him! so half the time if he starts mumbling i just pointedly ignore him until he either speaks more#clearly or goes away lmao#and same with a friend of a friend im sure hes a nice guy and everyone else seems to like him n hes in our main discord server so i cant#avoid him as easily and ive been so tolerant of it but hes worn thru my patience entirely and idc abt trying to be nice anymore#if he comes on call and starts mumbling and sidelining me from the conversation i just put him on mute im not dealing with that anymore#i dont fucking care if its petty and rude to do that. im tired of trying to understand him and dealing with how left out he makes me feel#i hope he picks up on the hostility n feels unwanted so maybe then he'll understand what its like for me and fix his behaviour 👍#bc i have no other way of communicating that with him anymore. since I CANT FUCKING HEAR HIM!!!!!#he also has a lot of other annoying behaviour which is fine but this is my limit its so disrespectful and outside of my control#make space for my disability or go away forever#not sure if we could even be friends if he did change now bc hes soured my impression of him so much by this point.#sad! well theres other guys#im glad everyone ive met at climbing so far has been pretty good abt it. really not that hard to do!#anyway rant over lol. at least the guy at work is only on a temp contract so only have to deal w him for a few more months#unfortunately since the rest of that group is friends w this other guy he'll prolly be around longer. but oh well lmao#just crossing my fingers he'll drift away n never open discord again so ill never have to deal w his shitty crackly mic mumbling#or maybe he'll stop fucking calling from whatever wind tunnel hes in and properly join in on our movie nights instead!!!!!#it is sad bc i think he has similar music taste to me. there are def some things we have in common that could form a basis for friendship#but hes gone n ruined it innit#aaaanyway oops started complaining again... the bitch grind never ends#im gonna shower n go back to elden ringing it.... fare thee well#.diaries
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hii how have you been?
i miss my family 🧍♀️
#my mom sent me a video about once your child leaves the mom also needs them#to like be there for them when their mom is stressed when their mom misses them#and i cried for a bit bc i argued with my mom a lot#we didnt see eye to eye but i really do think my mom still thinks of me as her little girl#bc despite not being as close i am to my mom compared to my dad i felt like i had so much burdens for being the eldest and girl#so sometimes i would get upset that my brother would get some special treatment from my mom#idk now i just rlly miss her cuz i miss actly waking up to have brekkie w her#i rlly missed cooking w her b4 i didnt like it bc i thought it was bothersome but now i miss it a lot and her cooking !!!#one of my roommates are husband and wife and i helped cut up the onions and garlic for her bc she started crying from the onions#and then i just completely rmbrd how many times my mom would ask me to help her cook and it makes me miss jmy family !!#i dont rlly get homesick often but i have been in a few arguments w my husband but its like those small quarrels where we're both#tired stressed n feeling defeated like there was no wrong but mentally tapped out#i feel hella lonely tbh ion have many friends outside from me talking to my roommates or my coworkers#and i go once a month to my friends thats an hour and half away but i never mind the travel bc their family treats me well#im supposed to go today but our plans got cancelled and since the travel is far i usually sleepover we were gonna watch a movie !!#we were gonna go watch the mario movie but i might go by myself w my teddy bear#or i'll ask my coworker maybe#but yeah other than that im just trying to survive xoxo im so tired#im also getting so much free cosmetics skincare and fragrances at work that i cant even use all of it#tha shit is displayed on my shelves just cuz#but so excited for my smau heheheheh#༊*·˚ koca has heard your wish#༊*·˚ a kiss of blessing#༊*·˚ a wish upon a goddess#༊*·˚ freddie <3
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#GIRL making your own sylveon without the naming strat on pokemon go is so MNGHFGHKLFGJHHH#HOW MANY FUCKING HEARTS DID IT SAY.. 70???#OH. wait nvm im literally 15 away#GIRL i was dreading continuing this shit bc i thought i needed ultra buddy the whole time 😭😭#if u do go outside u just need like 5-7 days LMAO k nvm#but its funny how fast im getting ultra buddy bc i just got my first ultra buddy w zacian the other day!#catch assist looks so silly and i love it :) lil guy pops out of the corner of my screen when the ball bounces off a pokemon and bounces it#back onto the pokemon like tyvm!!! i wish it was guaranteed so i could do that strat everytime LMAOO sooo cutee#i want zamazenta as my buddy tho >< zacians cool but zacians blue! and i like the shiny colors better tbh. just easier on my eyes#and zamazenta!! heart eyes!! pink and red!!! so cute!! i love it!#and for some reason they place zacian so far behind u on ur profile if thats ur buddy but if u put zamazenta its a lot closer idk#AND I LOVE BIG FLUFFY LOOKIN STUFF... i understand zamazenta and zacian have been through some shit but fluffy?? fluffy????? 🥺🥺🥺#unfortunately im a lot more attached to this shiny zamazenta than i initially thought id be LMAOO if it was regular colored#i might like it less.. zacian too SORRYYY the shiny colors r just so nice 🥺 zamazenta's literally my fav colors n fluffy!!!#but yeah i wasnt super attached in the beginning bc i have a good fairy type (sylveon) and have been trying to get other fighting types#bc of normal types in gyms ( i hate u mfs for that btw </3 ) AND THOSE TWO CANT EVEN GET SAME TYPE FAST ATTACKS..#BUT THEYRE A SINGLE TYPE POKEMON LIKE GIRL FUCK im bad w typings MAKE IT EASY FOR ME#anyway i adjusted. ice FA for zama and fire FA for zac. fuck the meta. i do want dark FA for zac but im not risking reroll idc idc idccc#i think my new pkmn go obsession is funny tho bc i started playing just bc my cousin was. and my mom redownloaded so we could add and gift#so i did too. now im probably more into it than my cousin and mom LMAOO#oopsies! whatever! it gets me outside and walking so im sure nobody cares LOL#44597#WAIT I SPENT 1572.. oh i was inactive I WAS GONNA SAY 1572 DAYS W BUIZEL AND NOT GREAT BUDDY??#HUH!? THERES A LV 40 MISSION WHERE U GOTTA DO ALL EEVEELUTIONS? FUCK YOUU <//3
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#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals#and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away#from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird#ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas#there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil#lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit#like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside#all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶#maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha#ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i#dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January#so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes#just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im#afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see#me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over#im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol#i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful#unrelated
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