#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds
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autistic-shaiapouf · 9 months ago
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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tanricksfanficks · 7 years ago
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Void S
Dying is always the easiest part. It happens fast. It's not without sensation and yet formless in feeling. If your senses allow, feel your self stretched thin in every direction yet compressed unable  to grasp at anything. When it happens you probably wont know it even did, that is unless you are a capsuleer. Waking up. This is everything I fear. More than the entropy that will consume all those I love, more than facing the contents of my wallet, more than being stranded in space and dying of hunger. First comes the light, it is radiant beyond measure. All at once you become conscious of everything you have ever known downloaded from countless clones who all met the same fate. Ten million neurons firing all at once forming every emotional pattern, every muscle memory, and every single nerve connection simultaneously. No pain can compare to this, or so I thought.
I was stolen at some point, as it was customary for all capsuleers, and for the most part so were any memories of my youth. They insisted during pre-op that it was “necessary to make room”. The concept, as it was told to me at the academy, is that the conscious mind is anchored at a specific frequency and can be copied through several layers of scanning. A small tool that acts as a catalyst is implanted to transmit this information. During the time they have you under they upload what amounts to a collection of electrical impulses and variables that make up who you are to a database and erase what the deem “unnecessary”
Becoming a capsuleer is no accident.  The selection process is a combination of biological compatibility that is determined at birth and progress closely monitored by whatever corporation you happen to belong to. No one person is truly free, though agents and capsuleers are thought to be the most open ended professions. This is only true in part. While after your training is complete you are ultimately left to do what you would like, without our shared cooperation and influence in this vast waste it would slowly wilt away. These are things they look for during schooling and on your tests. They force you into situations with candidates doomed to fail and see how far you can take them. Despite definite hierarchies among the corporation we are all trained to be leaders. They test the boundaries of our resourcefulness constantly and stretch our creative focus.   
Your final test is a state of the art simulation. You are not given warning. This is the first time you understand the control they have over your consciousness. One moment you could be in class, or in a bed, or even on the toilet. The very next moment, the only thing you are aware of is an impending sense of urgency and the sounds of a commander hailing you. After finishing their menial tasks and showing you can operate under extreme duress they let you dock at home for the first time and the simulated scientist you rescue gives you some information regarding your results and provide you with a list of agents. While I have only heard stories, this test is rumored to be used in every system for its efficacy. For reasons not understood they cant seem to wipe out your demeanor. I'm still not sure how someone as lazy as I am made it here. My name is Nifahn and this is my story. 
1.Cash Flow For Capsoleer's
BROADCAST: WARP TO LUCIAN ENGLEWIND WITHIN 0 KM. Roaring into every com-channel the moment had finally come. I reacted instinctively and aligned to the last read coordinates with only a 10 second delay. '9.9 AU TILL BUBBLE COLLAPSE'  Aura read out in her familiar calming voice. Before my scanners and hull could compensate for the loss of momentum I felt the familiar shudder move through my hull my pod and my organs.  An Interdictor. Far too late for me to change course I frantically signaled the remaining fleet members coordinates outside of the Interdictor's bubble range before we all met the same fate. Interdictor's are built for one purpose; stopping you where you are and preventing you from warping at a much greater range and efficiency than traditional warp scramblers. I knew quickly after coughing up blood that this clone wouldn't last the day and if we were going to survive someone would take the fall. 'Inevitably' I thought as I flipped on my after burner and aligned for the Interdictor and readied my guns.
Just as I was confident in the necessity for sacrifice to save Lucian's MACH V- Thrasher, I felt an immense yet comforting shadow. Melkezedech's raven nearly eclipsed the small star behind me and without even glancing at my scanners I recognized the torpedoes flying past my own ship and crashing into our new friend. “ Now this is a party bois” I heard called over the Fleet-Com. Scopio in his usual fashion finally decided to join and warped directly into the interdiction bubble undoubtedly killing him instantly as his clone did not respond or even attempt to eject before he got caught in the crossfire and his ship was turned to ribbons. BROADCAST: TARGET: ENDER WIGGING. “YEAH IM ON IT” I yelled into Fleet-Com in response to Lucian's broadcast. My scanners finally compensating for the anomaly brought up details on all of the targets I was able to scan within range. “REMOTE REPS ON LUCIAN” I called out realizing how little time we really had when suddenly the worst happened. My scanner started to acknowledge the ever growing number of signatures in the surrounding area “AMBUSH!!!!!!” I bellowed into Fleet-Com. As if in response ships of varying sizes and quality started uncloaking as a unit and hell was upon us. “A Gallente naval fleet this deep in Caldari space?” Melkezedech said trembling. ��This could only mean one thing Fleet Commander Lucian” I called out knowing what we all were afraid to say. The treaty was broken, and we were at war.
After an eternity that was only a matter of seconds a communication channel was broadcast to each of us “Hailing Fleet COACA This is Commander Hans of the Gallente Federation you are hereby ordered  to stand down your station and your clones have been destroyed your fleet and your commanders captive”. 'Mortality?' I thought mockingly 'this is turning out to be a better day than I anticipated' looking down and seeing the blood still fresh on my sleeve. “You have one chance to comply.” He said. “We have use for good pilots and I would hate to waste that for your pride”. 'Live to fight tomorrow' I saw on my personal com-channel with Lucian. I knew I was fading and despite embracing the final rest many times over today was not the day I would die. “Calling  Commander Hans, this is Squad-Leader  Nifahn requesting medical assistance. I caught the interdiction bubble at near maximum warp speed.” His response was well met. “ Having survived that you earned it. You may dock on our command ship where help will be on the way”. 'Wher-' I thought before the behemoth uncloaked and completely eclipsed any light coming from the nearby star dwarfing both fleets combined. Docking in my first command ship was everything I imagined. The help was already at the door and with my job done I closed my eyes and fell deep asleep.
Waking up. Any injury I sustained was brilliantly taken care of, or I just had the smoothest clone transfer in my life. Upon surveying the room I found my self in the company Melkezedech who looked very little like we had just lost our fleet. “ Welcome back. Do you want the good news or the bad news?” He asked. I glanced at my wrist and affirmed that this was the clone from the battle having been healed marked by the number one drawn on my wrist indicating how old my clone was. One being a week This was a considerable time for the life of a clone, at least for my self. My main source of contribution to our fleet was gate checking. Our station had a struggling market and in an effort to become more efficient started policing and removing anyone who made the the main trade routes unsafe. This became exhausting the more available cloning became. After taking some time to reflect on the events prior I chuckled, “If there is good news to be heard then it cannot wait”.  
Lucian walked in smirking like every other time I have encountered him. “We are all free men, so long as we maintain a channel with our would be captors and respond to distress calls from any Gallente relay. We are also jump locked to this system”. “Clones?”I asked.  “They are now compliments of the Federation. For the most part our job hasnt changed.” Lucian told me with a laugh. “The bad news.” Melkezedech said cutting Lucian's laugh short. “The war is already over. All reports say The Forge is the final stronghold and its folding fast”. My head began throbbing. “I couldn't have possibly been  out that long” I pleaded. “There was a betrayal at the capital. All of our commanders were given false information about a mass invasion force that ended up being a series of traps. General Nivek has taken command and as far as anyone can tell is the only remaining obstacle for the complete annihilation of the Caldari Council”. I took a deep breath and tried to find an answer. There was no scenario that they would succeed at escaping their captors and making it to our remaining forces. “I think its time we get you to your agent.” Lucian said breaking a long silence. “So that's it Fleet Commander Lucian?” I said mockingly. Lucian looked back for the first time his face reflecting the situation we were in. “Well we are alive anyway”.
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