#so i did too. now im probably more into it than my cousin and mom LMAOO

[chisungie]

.

[push-tet]

hi (sorry for bad english!!!!)

yes my small hiatus took a long time and im not ashamed bec i did it slowly and as i see it and overall, im happy with everything so technically, im still in hiatus here

the vv:bs project was 80% done, but my laptop said GIIIRL im too HOT for this shit 💻💅 so now i have to find a repairman or buy a new...

but it's been a long time since this post and i've changed a lot of things haha…..

i suggest you take a look at what I have so far

hood preview

map

premedes house makeovers from orig verona made by me

(shhh i know… i know…)

maybe i'll edit them all in the future imnotsure

new playable family's\new family members in standard families; im too lazy to take pics of pets pardon

The Macbeth - Gloucester

The Сapp's butler and Monty

The Summerdreams

The Counts

The Zhung - Snout

Character biographies? Well, i got inspired by the ts2psp with secrets and now it looks like this:

Wow, this place is much bigger than a cramped cabin on a fishing boat, although my cousins went overboard with the nautical theme heh. I need to thank them for their kindness, I wonder if this town has a fishing pond? Maybe that cute diva in the overalls can give me a clue?

(Interesting) Ferdie's full name is Ferdinand Gustav Gloucester. But he's not particularly comfortable with such formalities

(Personal) To everyone's surprise. Ferdy has quietly survived the death of his parents, which is suspicious. But the truth is, if you spend half your life hearing tales that the ocean is a dangerous and deadly place, you can build up an immunity

(Dark) Ferdie spent half his life on a boat helping his dad and mom fish. So he has no idea how to socialize with his peers.

(Bonus) Until his parents died in a shipwreck, Ferdie had no idea his uncle and cousins existed

and some of photos from the storytelling albums so you'll believe im not a *andereDev

i apologize for the poor quality in some places, i took screens in a hurry i won't be able to show you more anytime soon because my laptop is probably already in the repair shop or im crying somewhere

bottom line: my autism won and pray queer pple for my laptop

[jampookie]

🎸⚡ Max Trio Headcanons Time!!!! Yay!!!!

IF YOU HAVE ANY OF YOUR OWN PLSSSSS TELL ME OMGOMG

Jaime:

- SHE DATED MARIA IN MIDDLE SCHOOL: IDC. THEYRE MIDDLE SCHOOL EXES what evidence do I have?? uhhh,,,.......none but i pinky promise they are.

- She's Chinese and Freeeench!!! : Chinese from her Mom and French from her Dad. She knows both languages fairly well and her favorite hobby is to say random things to Max in them that he will never understand (and loses his mind over~)

- She used to have medium length hair but cut it in freshman year: New Year New (Jai)Me!!!

- This is even more random than the Maria one but I hc her to be siblings with the spinoff ep 2 nurse: hear me out okay i just.........idk i think it's probably the lack of max trio content that's getting to my mind.

and it's just nurse lady has the same color palette as jaime ssss...sso...so....WHATEVER

- ⬆️ Adding to thisssss:

When she was a kid her sis was goth (liek as a teen? 10 year age gap between them im guessing) and mini 5 year old Jaime always felt INSPIRED🪄🪄 so she got alot of practice as a kid by stealing makeup hehehe and now she has a PhD in dressing goth! huzzah!

...most of her clothes are hand me downs but atleast she got a starter pack of some sorts 😾

- Whenever she's bored she practices her makeup-ing on Damien,: Since he can actually sit still. She tried it on Max but he either fell off the chair or subconsciously rubbed it all off when his face got itchy....whoops.

- She playssss....keyboard ���! I think! And she probably sings sometimes too. Lalalala 🎤🎤

- After Ep 11 events she made pretty good friends with Jake!!!:

Fun Scenario - One day Jaime just so happened to not have makeup on so she was just walking around with her natural BEAUTAY but Jake didn't recognize her like that so he released a quite high pitched SHRIEK and fell backwards thinking she was someone else. They were both quite confused.

- DAMIEN AND MAX CALL HER 'JAY' AS A NICKNAME: Change my mind😈😈😡🤑

- She's not very good at facial expressions:

If she's having the time of her life she'll slightly smile. If she fell off a cliff and lost a few limbs she might slightly pout. The other 99.99% of the times in her life are just a deadpan expression, 😐.

Max:

- MAAAAAAX MY MAIN MAN!!!!!: Before I FULLY start up abt him I just wanna blab a lil on how I think him and Jaime met.

In either Freshmen or MS (I can't decide) Jaime was just listening to music in art class minding her own business till a red and orange gremlin invited himself into her personal space. "WHAT THE HELL DUDE YOU LISTEN TO (certain cool band) TOO!?!? WHAAAAT!?!?" shrieked the gremlin, unaware and uncaring of the other 30 people in the room.

And there you go. Jaime Max friendship. Huzzah!

- Half Brazilian Half Mexican!!: Mexican from his Mom so he knows his Spanissssh!!! I've never thought about Max's dad so lets say he's fatherless. Good for him.

⬆️ - ONTO THIS: I also headcanon Drew as half Mexican (and half Filipino if anyones interested) so so so so SO me thinks Drew and Max are cousins! Teehee!

They used to get along. They fell out. Or the two sides of the family fell out? Can't decide but I will agree with any theory that suggest DRAX ENEMIES GAAAHHHH DRAX ENEMIES!!!!!

- He plays guitar, drums and also sings: Triple cool 😆

- His eyebrow piercing got irritated alot. Like ALOT:

He forgot to clean it. Damien tried endlessly to tell him he'd end up with a tomato brow if he didn't take care of it. He didn't really listen but hey it worked out in the end!! happy days!

- He has BIG mood swings BIG: This is canon but WHATEVER. I like to imagine some of the hangouts he has with his friends go like:

5 minutes in: Oh yay! This is a fun hangout!

10 minutes in: I HATE THE FLOOR AND I HATE THE TWO OF YOU GO AWAY LEAVRMA,LEN,ENNOW

12 minutes in: I love you guys pls neevrbr leavemr idk what Id do without u ❤️❤️ group hug guys group HUG❤️

13 minutes in: we're not hanging out anymore

13½ minutes in: NO COME BACK IM SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN IT

- He laughs either like a hyena or like Peter Griffin: he's either "SAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHGKAKLJJABLJAHLJIBJAKLBJAKLLJABJKBJAIBZIBAIJBIABJLIBIAIBJLIBJLALBJAJLBIKABJLIKBMAL" or "nyeheheheheheh...." depends if he's feeling BIG AND BOLD or mischievous cheshire cat 😈

- His love language is pacing around the room and telling you his grand bizarre plans and interests. Just endlessly talking....:

Me too Max. Me too.

- Sport is one of his other hobbies besides music he definitely loves the competitiveness part in sport class:

Half his classmates want him blown to smithereens, but hey he's a really good player so the sporty ones like him! He LOVES to win AND WON'T ACCEPT A DRAW EITHER HE WILL NOT

every time a draw happens he grabs the nearest ball and throws it at the nearest person while shrieking in agony

When his team wins hes like ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻🤡😂🤡😂🤡😂🤡😂🤡🤣🤡😂🤣🤡😂🤡☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻 nanananananananan hahahahahah

- He has ALOT of his freckles because he's always outside:

It's the only reason Jaime and Damien have an ounce of Vitamin D, cause Max always drags them outside to hang out!

- TOOTH GAP. CANON. CANON. DONT CARE:

😁😁😁

- Him and Damien love South Park!!:

His favorite is probably Cartmannn..... He likes to imagine himswlf and Damien as Cartman and Kyle. He's very sad Jaime doesn't really watch it though.

- All 3 of them love Homestuck though!!!! When the 4th member of their band didn't DITCH THEM YET (🙄) They all cosplayed the Beta kids:

Max was Dave, Damien was John, Jaime as Roseeee.....and Loser Traitor 4th member was Jade. Screw you LT.

Damien:

Damikins Damikins Damishminkywins my little shmitten kitten booboo snooky cookie🥹🥹🥹🥹

HE HAS STRETCHED LOBES.: IM TELLING YOU.

He also has lazy eye: if you don't know what that is it's basically One eye is great and does it's job. Second eye sucks and goes loosy goosey (up down left right instead of centre we'll say.)

HE'S GERMANNNN: I can't decide if he actually speaks German though idk....hmmmmmmm yeah maybe actually

Likes to paint 🎨🎨: AND HE'S DAMN GOOD AT IT TOO 😈😈 He mainly does objects but sometimes people!

HIM AND HAILEY MAKE THE BESTEST FRIENDS!: They're both physically 17 but internally 97. They stand together, deeply sigh together and criticize the hideously idiotic people around them. Damiens the more talented one at it though.

⬆️ wait this just occured to me. Hailey Damien and Zander as a trio would be so great?? OMG

New HC!!!! Him and Zander both wear alot of jewelry (bracelets and rings and stuff) so they might trade some 🤔🤔: hmmm

He's one of those people that's naturally very good at Math: so he's always the one his friends (or just random classmates..) go to for either answers to steal or just for help. He doesn't really mind either, how kind of him 😁😁

Basic Stuff..

..like bdays and heights!!!

🎁

Max: December 3rd 2003

Damien: January 17th 2003

Jaime: October 31st 2003

📏

Max: 5'7 idk (170cm)

Damien: 6'3 (190cm)

Jaime: 5'3½! (161cm)

OKAY THERES THAT DONE. idk if you can edit posts i forgor but hey if i think of any more hcs or see any from others I like I'll come back and update. TY FOR READING ALL THIS BABBLING HELPME

[astroceans]

11.02.22

i dont know how to stop it. the thoughts the memories. i thought that maybe when you decided it would all stop. contrary, they wont stop. im stuck thinking about the last 6 months and the times i could of been better and done better. the times where i should of stayed quiet where i should have loved you more. theres no benefit in thinking it though. i know you've made up your mind. and when i called you out i didn't think you would leave. i thought you'd stay like you had before. i thought you would fight more or maybe even just try. but this time you didn't. you left, you moved on. and now i think where i went wrong and if i could just been different. that if maybe i wasn't so messed up you would of stayed. maybe if i was less sad less me you wouldn't leave. but its ok. i know she is kind and she is beautiful. she is loved and taken care of. she can love you. and i know you deserve who takes away all the lies and brings you hope, poetry, and most importantly coffee. if i could talk to her, i would tell her this. his birhtday is january 10. hes actually not a typical capricorn but that might be because his mother is a cancer. hes emotional. he is kind. he is thoughtful. his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. hes a great gift giver. he has the biggest heart. hes easily influenced. gym is his therapy. he loves his family especially his sister and his mom. hes actually a feminist. hes a clean person. his alcohol tolerance is suprsisngly high. he likes to party and have fun. but more importantly i think he likes to stay in and do nothing. his favorite color is blue but he looks great in orange. his favorite artist is j balvin. and his music taste is impeccable. hes cannot park if his life depended on it but hes a great driver. he has a sweet tooth and probably the reason he has so many cavities. his favorite sweet is donuts, coming in second gummies. his grandpa is his biggest inspiration. and like many people, he's been hurt too many times especially by me. he has the worst anxiety and overthinks too much. his best friend committed suicide and his cousin was close to. he needs reassurance and lots of love. overall, i think he's the only person who has fought for me and for our relationship something i couldn't understand and maybe why i can't let it go. 

i know you deserve more than i could ever give you. you deserve an easy love with someone who doesn't have so many layers to cut through. someone with less complications and more love to give. in fact someone who isn't afraid to be loved. i know my thoughts wont leave because i live with regret, i live with sadness. i know i'll have to live without you and live with the thought that i failed you. and more importantly that given the choice, you wouldn't choose me anymore. that i am no longer the girl you want to be with and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with . i am not the first thought in your mind and i am not the last one either. you have simply moved and found arms to come home to. and i am stuck being the sad story. the girl who cannot love and be loved. and maybe thats what kills me the most. you get to move on and i cannot even find myself talking to another person without crying. i cannot listen to music without breaking down. i cant eat without feeling guilty. that i've lost myself throughtout everything and it took you a week to move on. i'd like to ask you how you did it but i fear that when i hear your voice i would lose my breathe. i have no hope for life. and i find no pleasure in it. i live day by day hoping one day i feel less sad but its been a month and a half and i still can't listen to our song. i know its not your fault but how cannot it not be? when i told you this you didnt seem to care and you chose to move on. im so tired of crying and the sleepless nights. the calling out of work. the torturing myself at the gym. the breaking down every time i go out with my friends. you're the punchline to all my jokes and the topic of conversation when it comes to gossip. you're the theme of all my spotify playlists and the inspiration behind my new hair color. youre my excuse when my parents ask me why i can't be more active in church and the reason i dont text back any guy. the reason i've started smoking again. i dont want to love you anymore. but im sorry i love you.

[raventhekittycat]

went and rewatched m27 in 4dx and holy crap 4dx has really improved and changed since my childhood! Definitely recommend it!

Spoilers under the cut

Something I noticed this time round was the close up of Aoko has one of the worst same face syndrome I've seen with Ran which means in another decade or so we'll find out they're also cousins! (Wasn't Aoko's mom revealed to be a lawyer in MK recently? I dunno I dont read it it. Prolly is related on the Kisaki side then.)

I caught who took which brother this time for the twins Yuusaku with mom and Toichi with dad! Also somehow missed the first time that the sword they had on display had the correct full tsuba. I had made the connection it was the missing sword before but somehow missed looking at it up close??? Anyways

ALSO i was right that this one felt like a mystery tour ep! The red-nosed detective (I forget his name) that's Toichi in disguise for most the film until the end where the real one shows up, the real one says he's been on a mystery tour for two weeks with no cell phone. And then they actually show the JR station so yeah looks like another JR wanted in on the action (I would think it's JR east because of the shinkansen but might be wrong, didn't see anything in the credits). Anyways it did work I do want to go to Hakodate now sooooo maybe this summer? Or maybe ill wait til next year and see it with the cherry blossoms

Do appreciate the literal if your a swordsman and im a swordsman than who's flying this plane moment more than expected. Still don't know why Momiji has stun grenades or a pink tardis helicopter. Also though I tried to catch Hijiri's mom's connection still didn't quite pick up on it. Either way all and all an enjoyable film. Still really love the soundtrack on this one too cept for the ending song which is probably their weakest one in recent years.

Oh yeah and if I had a nickel for everytime Shuukichi Ikeda was cast as someone who was thought to have been killed but turned out to be alive in the Goshoverse, I'd have two nickels which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice. Anyways love the fact that they hired him for this movie just to give one laugh, not even a full spoke line just a laugh. Was great. Love toichi running around again like a bastard in black. Also funny that Yuusaku mentions to Yukiko she's met him but he hasn't since they seperated.

[mar64ds]

i'm insane I wrote down some of my headcanons for how Sam and Max's lives were like as they grew up. It's long and meaningless

How Sam and Max meet has two possibilities, the 'max beats up a bully for sam' or the ' their families knew each other'. I'm a bigger fan of them meeting through the bully story, but I think it's possible to make it so their families do have some history together. I think some members of their family know each other and maybe sam's parents encouraged sam to go play with the kids of the lagamorph family but sam was probably like 'nah i dont want to, im going to play with my computer'. The friendship just happened one day after the bully incident, they had probably seen each other before at a distance but never really spent time together until that day. They got along perfectly of course.

Sam's parents are sweet and cute and Max does spend more time in Sam's house, but sometimes they go to Max's house which is just full of siblings, but I like to think maybe Max's grandparents also live there and perhaps cousins stay over a lot. Basically a house where a lot happens all the time so it can be fun to hang out there sometimes but not ALL the time. I can see Max's mom being a single mom after divorcing Max's dad not too long ago, which is why Max's cousins visit a lot, cause his aunts and uncles try to come over and help her out when they can. Kind of a crazy household right now, so he stays over at Sam's house more often.

Sam's parents adore Max so they are happy to have him over practically everyday, they think he is funny and are happy to see someone that helps their kid open up more and do more than to stay on his room with his computer.

Sam is still a nerdy kid though, he just has a nerdy friend now. Nerdy for different reasons but they both are the weird lonely nerdy kids on school. Not that it bothers them too much cause they are happy simply being together.

I don't think Sam and Max ever cared about 'popularity' or any preteen/teen drama, I think their whole thing is that they were probably already fighting weird creatures they found on the school's parking lot instead of caring about highschool drama. They were two funny cartoon characters trapped in a regular highschool and no way in hell are you going to make them act like regular human teenagers

Sam probably had crushes on some girls sometimes but never did anything with that, he just thought 'oh that girl is cute' and then never did anything about it cause he is insecure sure but also i don't think he had any motivation to start a relationship, he is too busy fighting creatures on the school's parking lot with max. I think Sam only tried dating when he becomes an adult, but even then those relationships don't last anyway.

Max has always known he is gay before he knew gay people existed, he just didn't understand why a guy is supposed to have a crush on a girl, and he told Sam immediately and they are both very casual about it. Once they become preteen/teens is when they find out what gay people are and they are like 'ooooh' but they still say the 'he doesn't like girls' thing cause they are used to saying that. Maybe he didn't immediately realized he is gay (I see Max as aromantic so maybe he just thought he didn't like anyone) but the whole kissing Sam's cousin made him realize 'oh yeah i am gay' (he is arogay hope this helps).

Max is very openly gay as we all know, but when it comes to Sam, at first he just makes jokes about them being together but never tries to actually be genuine about his feelings. Sam is in denial about being bi, he thinks he is straight mostly cause he doesn't really think about this stuff, so he just assumes he is straight.

I do see Sam as a trans man, I think he might have focused more on his gender than on his romantic attraction, so once he figures out he is a man he just thought 'okay now that im done with gender i guess im straight! no need to question this'

Sam and Max's relationship is a casual but super interesting slow burn inconventional relationship. They don't immediately start dating, it takes so much time, so many sam&max gay compilations before they finally sit down one day and realize hey something gay is going on here. Telltale sam and max for example takes place before they realize, 100%, it's part of the appeal of the telltale games honestly, it's one of the reasons s3 is so heartbreaking and full of metaphors.

I do think there is something very aspec in Sam and Max's relationship and I don't think that goes away when they confess that they are gay for each other, Max is still aromantic, I kind of see Sam as ace and maybe on the aro spectrum too, and I think it's important to them that just because they are together it doesn't mean they have to act differently. They don't have to act like how 'couples do' they can just be themselves but a little gayer this time.

But oh yeah let's go back to their past. Sam went to college for a while, I have no idea for what though, maybe some engineer stuff idk, but it didn't last. Max never went to college, but they had a small apartment together in this period of their life so they never were really apart. One day they stop some evil entity from another dimension like how they usually do sometimes and think 'hey you know what. we COULD turn this into a job.' and that's what they do. maybe they were expecting this to only last a couple of weeks but were surprised that this was actually working out and cops were not stopping them (they tried, but they still got away with it lol). So slowly they began to take it more 'seriously' as in, getting an office, painting their car a different color, things like that.

Those are some of my thoughts- hey this was really long what the hell am I doing

[back2bluesidex]

Idk if this is something you’d want to read but after reading your post about being lonely, i definitely feel the same way 😅 albeit probably a little different. I dont really have anyone to talk to about this feeling so i thought maybe i’d share this. I just started a seasonal job in retail at 22, ive never had a “real job” because since i was 14 i was considered the “family babysitter” & once i turned 16 i kept applying for jobs so i didnt have to keep babysitting, nothing worked out because i was always met with “you need more experience “ & i kept getting that until i was 20 (when i just gave up & accepted I’ll probably be a babysitter for family/family friends forever 🥲). Ive only really been surrounded by kids & family, my mom took me out of highschool in my 1st year because she hated the public school system & decided to “homeschool” (which was go get my ged at 18), so i never got to experience the highschool life & friends, i was pretty isolated. Aside from getting rejected from jobs constantly, i wasnt able to go to college after either because it was too much money & that “nobody would be at home watching kids”. So ive just constantly felt very alone & whenever i would mention it i was met with things like “dont be selfish. you should be thankful youre not out there in the world, it’s evil” etc etc. Along with the fact i dont know how to drive, i had a huge fear whenever i was 15/16 so i never learned then but when i was 18 i didnt have that anymore & wanted to. I was constantly trying to get people to teach me, but no one would and driving school costs a ton which i didnt have bc no paying job. That added on to that feeling & i kept feeling behind

So fast forward to now at 22, i was finally able to get a seasonal job at victorias secret and nov 4 was my first training day. I still have that feeling & now im just stressed about everything. They immediately put me on cash register & very vaguely explained things to me, so i wasnt the best when trying to check people out & i know in retail you’ll get horrible customers sometimes and that’s literally all i got. I was so overwhelmed & i did accidentally mess up someone’s change (which was fixed!) so i had them screaming at me 2 hours in my first training day. And i cant stop thinking about how inadequate i felt during that & that whole day really. I would get judgmental looks from the other workers when i would ask questions, because ive never done anything like this before. I kept getting looked at like i was stupid for not knowing things & that messed with me (still is). I dont think itll be like that entire time im there, im hoping at least.

And i still dont know how to drive, i tried once this year from my older sister but she started grabbing the wheel when i was trying to drive because she panicked (i was going in a straight line in a empty parking lot) & stated she’s never trying to teach me again. My younger cousins learned how, have their license and new cars already & i hate that i feel jealous and angry about it because it is family, but everyone who helped them constantly told me they couldn’t with me year ago & still now. I get subtle remarks of “your cousins can drive already/youre 22 & relying on others to drive you” etc. (they also all have jobs already & not a seasonal one like me) But yeah, i feel so alone & inadequate at literally everything, have for years. Breakdown all the time because i have no clue on what to do & i have no one to talk to about it.

Rant over, sorry for how long it is, im probably being dramatic too, there are people who have it worse than i do 😅 but yeah, i get that feeling! I do hope you feel better better about it 🫶🏻🤎

Don't say sorry! It's alright. Rather I am glad that you found me and my blog safe enough to share your troubles with.

and let me tell you that you are just 22. You still have a whole lot of time ahead to make money, to learn driving, to make friends, to enjoy life and do everything you want to do.

Don't ever think you are late or that time is slipping away from your clutches! It's not.

I am 25 and I can't even cook. Can you believe it? a 25 year old woman who can't even fry an egg properly while cooking is a basic survival skill? my friends can make a whole feast if they want to and I only know how to boil some instant noodles. At times this made me feel like an inferior too but no, none of us are inferior to one another because what I can't do - you can and what you can't do - I can. we are all lacking and it's okay.

Also, if those people made you feel like a fool just because they didn't train you properly then it's their fault, not yours. when you start working you need to learn one thing that is to make you skin thick. It's only you who needs to know the truth - that it's not your fault - and the rest of the world can go fuck off.

and what if you did some mistakes? we all are allowed to do so. mistakes are the only way we get to learn, isn't it?

So, please, darling. Cheer up! You have a ton of time to buy that car or get that job or tell people to fuck off when they ask you to watch their kids. Things aren't over yet. You are doing good. You will do even better tomorrow and one day you will be the best! I believe in you and I am proud of you!

even though I know we are basically strangers but just know this person right here, an elder sister to you, will always be proud of you no matter what!

if you want to talk, slide into my inbox any time. I will always welcome you!

Love you!! 💕💕💕💕

P.S: You should have charged for those babysitting sessions.

P.S.S: I, too, don't know how to drive. LMAO!

[turtlecleric]

assumption - others have said in need of a hug (yes true) but also,

may not have been praised in the way that you deserved growing up and instead others tried to dim your light because they were envious or wanted to see you fail (->im here to tell you they suck ass. you're everything and more; skilled; determined; worthy; and i love you so so much and i am so so proud of you)

Did you know that I would die for you? Did you know that I love you so goddamn much? Did you?

This is way too much personal info that no one actually cares to know, probably, but. I'm sort of avoiding work on purpose at the moment and I'm having a really rough day. Who needs therapy when you have asks on Tumblr to rant in? (I'm joking, to be clear. Actual therapy is so valuable and important if you manage to find a competent professional who clicks well with you. The only reason I stopped going is because of Covid, time, and money.)

Warning: VERY long vent ahead, please do not feel obligated to read or respond

My dad was really good about praising me in ways that felt genuine, actually, though that made the times he /was/ upset with me all that much worse. My dad isn't perfect, and he's done some things and said some things that I'll never forgive, that I'll never be able to forget, but I would also do anything for him. I know he's there for me when I need it, I know he'll answer when I call, I know that he actually cares about me. He and maybe like two cousins are the only family I would never be able to cut off.

My mom... I guess it was just sort of the baseline bare minimum expectation that I would do things well, so when I /was/ praised it was just like... oh, good job sweetie! Proud of you! But it didn't feel... I don't know how to describe why but... I don't know. Now, when people tell me I do things well I always have that voice in my head that's like "they're just being nice, they don't actually think it's all that great, they expected you to do a much better job than this, actually, why did you even bother sharing? Why did you think this was something to be proud of?" I read way too far into things, interpreting neutral reactions, or even positive reactions that aren't as enthusiastic as I might have hoped for, as proof that people are simply being nice and don't really like what I do or make or say all that much. I always get stuck in this mindset that I'm not allowed to create mediocre content, like it all has to be Excellent or else it's Terrible.

I also remember in high school, posting some drawings on Facebook that I was really proud of. Two drawings, one with hands in chains and cut up and the other with healed hands glowing with holy light and cradling a cross. It was supposed to show the difference between life without God and life with God (I was... VERY religious as a teenager. I am now agnostic.), but she saw the first picture and freaked out, super pissed, yelling at me to take it down, to not embarrass her like that, because people were going to see that and think I was abused or depressed or something (haha... me? Depressed? Nahhhhh). And that was the moment when I knew I could never ever ever share anything even remotely dark with her, that if I ever were to express something that indicated I was anything other than good and happy and perfect then she would react similarly. She's also very judgemental regarding mental health, often made comments about how "people who are/do x are sick, there's just something wrong with them, make sure you stay away from people like that" while I'm sitting on the couch like... oof. That's me. So all my venting went to Tumblr where she couldn't see, and even now I mostly only vent on Tumblr and through writing. I have many wonderful friends that would gladly allow me to vent to them (I love you all so much I love you I love you I love you, thank you for being so kind), but I simply Cannot. I've had a friend before where it felt like all they did was complain, they were always so goddamn negative, and it became a chore to talk to them. I started to get angry every time they said or did something defeatist, I stopped enjoying talking or hanging out with them, and I refuse to be that person. Even if I'm told over and over that I don't come across that way, I'm so terrified of it that when I think about reaching out I start to think of that friend and about how I shouldn't bother people and I panic. Unless I've gotten to the point where I truly believe that nothing I do or say will ruin the friendship, then it's really hard to push through that fear. But that's so much harder than it used to be because I /did/ lose a friend that I thought I would have literally for the rest of my life, I was so 100% confident that we would be 80 years old still hanging out with each other and goofing around, so sure we could go through anything together and stay friends, I knew in my heart and soul that we would be friends until we died, and I was wrong. I was wrong. I also had a different friend who was always there for me, always praised me, always listened to me when I needed it and told me kind things and made sure I felt welcome and loved and viewed positively, and then he fucking assaulted me one night when he thought I was asleep.

Anyway. When I /did/ fail at things growing up, it was either punished more severely than necessary or straight up laughed at. Mom was very hot and cold, too, you could never tell what kind of mood she was going to be in that day. (She is still like this. It's well known in my family that you never know which version of her you're going to get.) Things are fine one moment and then suddenly I'm in trouble for something I didn't even realize I did wrong (like with the drawings), so I'm just. Terrified of not doing well enough at things, of disappointing people, of people being annoyed with me or upset with me over something I didn't even realize was rude or mean or wrong to begin with.

"Don't overstay your welcome; don't bother people" was pounded into my head. I can't express how often I start to say or type something and then think, "No one cares. Stop bothering people. You're being too much, you're being annoying, they're tired of you, just keep it to yourself." I'm working on it but. Yeah. Half the time I still just stop talking or backspace and stay quiet. Even typing this, I'm like... you should delete this. You're basically just begging for attention, and if anyone says anything about this to you then it'll only be because they felt obligated to and they're going to start seeing you as a whiny, pathetic, manipulative person, and they're going to get tired of you and roll their eyes every time you say anything, even if it's not you venting, or they'll see this and think about how stupid or weird it is for you to put this information out on the internet, and even this sentence right here is proof that they'd be right because you're aware of all these thoughts and you're still doing it.

But then another part of me thinks that if I can't even vent on my own blog on a post that literally no one is required to read that is also hidden under a readmore and clearly states that it's a vent post, then where /can/ I vent? And if someone else posted this, would I be this harsh on them? And what's so wrong with seeking attention and comfort? Why is that unforgivable in yourself but admirable in others? Why are you crying at work? Why aren't you doing your job? Why aren't you better? Why aren't you better?

[pateredere]

ayo what's poppin it's gemma here ( s/h, 21+ ) & i am so beyond excited for opening day! i'll be writing for the park i canon, park jeongho, the mayor's son & current chairman of the urban construction committee! i've got a ton more info under the cut ( mild tw for abuse ) cause as usual i haven't learnt to shut my trap but if you're at all keen to plot with me please hit that LIKE button! would definitely prefer d*scord but i can do tumblr ims too ( just afraid of the shadowban ya kno )! but yes tysm mwah!

speaking directly to my sisters in the church of astrology he's a scorpio sun ( mysterious n evil coded basically ) / taurus moon ( craves stability ) / cap rising ( hardworking & efficient lil bastard ) so yeah he's a bit mad to say the least

only child of park jeongwon, the current mayor! to understand jeongho you need to understand a little bit about the parks, but essentially every way in which they move comes with a political agenda so it's no surprise that his parents' marriage is fully a political arrangement! the point of the marriage was to sire an heir and once jeongho was born his mom peaced the fuck out of parenting and went on her merry way living as the jobless wife of the wealthiest man in town! she probably had intended to care for jeongho to some degree but she peaced out honestly for survival ( more on that in the next dot point )

that said jeongho was brought up almost entirely by his father and what i mean by that is he was brought up by the help and criticised often by his father. jeongwon in a nutshell is a smart man honestly prodigy level smart ( think one of those kids who don't study and gets 100% on a test cause the answer is just "common sense" ) with zero empathy so what you get is a grating narcissist who thinks they're better than einstein and he expects no less of his son! most of jeongho's childhood was his father asking for jeongho's test scores and when it's not up to par he just gets smacked and berated and called an idiot kid and honestly he's not much nicer to his wife which is why she made herself scarce

that was essentially the entirety of jeongho's childhood and it lends to his ocpd which he developed at a relatively young age! most people mistake it for ocd but it's really not that he just has an extreme obsession with perfectionism, order and control so he gets irrationally upset when things are not absolutely perfect like everything in his wardrobe is colour-coded and organised by attire type and everyone needs to wash their hands before interacting with him and the help must clean the parts of the house that any human walks through so yeah it's honestly pretty bad but in typical ocpd style he sees no issue with this and thinks other people are just lazy and unclean

anyway as per usual after high school he fucks off to the army and serves in the navy! he chose the navy mostly because jeongho had found goero's ocean to be really calming and had spent a lot of his youth swimming there when he needed to escape his dad! it's when he's in the army that he finds out his cousin passes which honestly is a shame because he liked jeongbin but at the end of the day jeongho wasn't really super close to him so it was kind of whatever

...which explains why he decides it's a good idea to scoop the late jeongbin's girlfriend and attempt to marry her!? as i said everything the parks do is politically motivated and there is no better political move frankly than to marry a yang to combine the park and yang assets so like sorry jeongbin but yeah! outside of those positives jeongho also frankly wanted to marry yang to "win" over his father in terms of choosing a spouse cause obviously his father did not marry a yang ( now's a good time to slip in that this father and son duo are constantly in competition ) and this was really his first ever rebel moment against his dad ( which if you think about it is pretty pathetic )

until his fiance jilted his ass at the altar so now he's the laughing stock of the town and his father is the striking image of mother gothel! after this whole bout jeongho finally and painfully admits that he's lost in this competition with his dad and he is most definitely dumber than his dad and so from here on out he just does everything his control freak of a dad says

father says go to uni so he fucks off to get an undergrad polsci degree then his dad tells him to marry one of his lackey's daughters so he can maintain control over jeongho AND his wife so he fucks off and proposes to shin and now with the land developers coming into goero his dad tells him to run for chairman of the urban construction committee so jeongwon can fully wash his hands of this land developer business ( importantly, he wants jeongho to put a stop to it and make sure no one sells ) so off he goes and that's the reason why he's currently chairman of said committee

cho jiyeon. as said, jeongwon is a really grating man who puts a lot of pressure on his son and constantly berates and belittles him whenever he doesn't get things done and what his father simply cannot understand is how the land developers are still in goero and chalks it up to how useless jeongho is. jiyeon continually bothers the parks and reminds jeongwon that she's still here and jeongho gets yelled at like he's fifteen again and at some point while jiyeon's talking her head off and says something mildly condescending to a "country boy" like him he realises that things would be so much easier if she just... disappeared. anger gets the best of him and you know how the rest of that story goes

anyway yeah jeongho is an absolute asshole sure but he's genuinely not a psychopath so what happened with jiyeon haunts him heaps but he tries his very best to move past it and live life as though she genuinely skipped town but yeah! few years pass and it becomes easier and now we're all caught up!

ok this was so long like you can stop here if you want below is just a bit about his personality / what to expect in interactions with him! also i don't have any plot ideas mostly because it's a skeleton rp and i feel like his relationship with each canon is unique given the political scene and stuff so generic plot ideas are kinda hard but yeah!

ok so personality-wise i would say that given his dad has drilled into him how useless and stupid he is jeongho is very aware that he is not the sharpest tool in the shed so he honestly is willing to hear people out when they talk to him! don't get me wrong he's definitely proud but he's not proud enough to think that he doesn't need anyone's help because he knows all kings have their advisors and he needs them! no shame in the game! ( also to clarify he's not actually stupid he's probably more just the type of person that gets good grades because he works hard and is organised and does all his assignments before it's due and not the type that gets up the day of the assignment due date and does it within an hour and gets a high distinction for it )

his father is also a really grating man to everyone else because he is smart so he thinks he doesn't need anyone cause everyone's suggestions are always dumb compared to him and his father often burns bridges but! because jeongho is aware of his weaknesses he is not that type of person so while he may feel a certain way about you he definitely is the sort to put on a polite enough facade! one thing he tends to do is the compliment sandwich where he can say something insulting in a not-totally-aggressive way and with a smile then sandwich it between normal conversation to make you think wait... did he just insult me or did i hallucinate it? maybe he just doesn't realise how he's coming across because of his upbringing? yeah

also to tack onto all this he is a very efficient guy and a proud workaholic ( also thanks to his ocpd ) so you'll see in interactions with him that he tends to move rather fast and speak rather direct and just operates at practically 2x speed! very much a say something useful or don't say anything at all type of person and he can be rather dismissive if he feels the conversation is not going to be fruitful within the first few sentences

also re: his ocpd things have to exist in a certain order and he expects a level of perfectionism always and there's a certain set of rules that you may need to learn especially if you're interacting with him frequently ( applies more to people who live and work with him )

all of this is about work but of course jeongho does lighten up from time to time! he has a group of friends who honestly it's questionable if they like him or his status but i imagine jeongho's life is something like the truman show where you have so much power that people are often pandering to you and you just think everyone is like that cause you're great when in reality they want something from you! but point is he does hang out and drink and fuck a lot and he's uhm certainly not loyal to his wife so there's that! will say though that he is very picky about the company he keeps and the people who know the "real" him

[faaarawayyy]

16. interesting ass question

“if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?”

oh wow. yeah this is VERY interesting hmmm….. im gonna take this three different ways. also im gonna get deep into this rn so

if i had grown up in a different family- which, for everyones perspective, i have a mom and a dad (who is chronically ill/disabled) and a year-younger brother who i live with. my mom is mexican, dad is american, so my brother and i are mexican-american. i think if i lived without any of these people there would already be an immediate difference. with only my dad and brother id probably be tougher, but not as happy. with only my mom and brother id be a bit more… not-tough? i guess? its hard to say whether i would be more content or less content than i am now. without my brother it is very easy to say i would be a very different, likely more unhappy person. turn my family into bigots and either which way that would be the same outcome, unhappy and feeling unsafe… yk, im queer, and i think i would be in any life. there is more of my family to take into account (grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc) and things probably would change about me if they were different too, but theres so many different possibilities with that. i will say there is one specific younger cousin i have so much hope for- i love her dearly and care about her with all i have. our closeness is only separated by the fact we arent siblings, i think. i’m the oldest (non-step) cousin in my family, so there’s a lot that everyone looks up to me for. not having any of them, especially the one i just talked about, would be so… strange, i think. like a missing piece.

if i had grown up in a different irl community, then damn, theres so many possibilities about that too. different city, different state, different country, different views, different ideologies, so so so many things could be so different. i am glad i grew up where i did/am growing up where i am, though. i know amazing and awful people alike and i think thats just… what community is. you will know people you love and you will know people you hate. thats just the nature of people i think. i would not change it though. shoutout to you and my other irl friends on this site <33

and god, if id grown up in a different online community… lets say i never ever stumbled into wof amino (shudders), and things would be so, so, so different in ways i cant even describe. being present online taught me about so many things, mostly about all the many different kinds of people that live and breathe and love on this earth just like me. i was introduced to the queer community, the neurodivergent community, the furry community, three that i identify with so strongly, and countless other peoples, like disabled communities i never wouldve known about otherwise. its crazy to think how much knowledge the online community gave me. despite the bad experiences and the trauma and the hurt ive faced here, too, i cant say anything other than that i love it. its a big part of what shaped me into what i am today. it introduced me to some of my closest friends, my found family (hugest shoutout in the world to freak bin, you guys are my everything) who i consider a wonderful extension on top of who i already have, my biggest inspirations and idols, it helped me find my footing in becoming an artist, a writer, someday an animator, and it helped me discover who i am- this funky queer, neurodivergent girlthing that i am which i had been unable to even fathom or explain to my own self for so long- and for that i have so much love.

i love what i grew up with and all the amazing people with me. i really would be very different without it all.

[asterssunzephyr]

so while I probably shouldnt be reply ro this like so, I do want to share this experience!

When I was rather young, maybe about 10? Im not sure anymore to be honest, but its been a good few years.

Fourth of July, with my cousins & mother's family. We were at a river – another family member owned the property at the river – and me, my little cousin (a year younger than me), my moher, my mother's cousin, and two sisters (also cousins, also younger than myself).

My mother's cousin, T for short for now, was the mother of these two little girls (A & M). Myself and my other cousin, C, were with the girls & T.

There was a small sand bank across the river from the property, basically a little no-man's land due to where it was at. A, M, C, and I were swimming back across the river with T. Mind you, T was drunk, we are children who – admittedly – are not very good at swimming. As were getting to the steps that lead back onto the property where everyone else were, T grabs both C & I's swimsuits and pulls us down with her because, as formentioned, she is drunk.

C & I go under, far under. At this point, I havent learned the concept of opening my eyes in freshwater because Im used to swimming in pools not freshwater (or saltwater). I open my eyes rather briefly to see where I am as soon as possible, and if youve ever opened your eyes in murky freshwater, you know that you can see where light deflects from which gives you a general sense of direction.

I close my eyes again and begin swimming to the surface, as one does, because I am rather far from the surface (surprisingly). I open my eyes once more to see if ive made progress, and as soon as I close my eyes, I am grabbed by C's older brother and pulled from the water. I dont see C, or her mom, or T or the girls. As soon as Im on the small dock however, C is next to me while A is already at the top of the stairs away from the water. I dont know where M is.

I am, however, aware of where I am and know I can breathe again. I focus on breathing, drying off, and controlling my pissed off mother while C's older brother goes to get M who had traveled down the river some after being pushed under by T.

Needless to say, while I knew I wasnt going to die because I can swim and it was a large family get together, I was still scared & could have drowned.

Did I? No, obviously. Am I scared of the water? No, because I love it too dearly to be scared of something so beautiful.

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[that-delulu-fangirl]

I'm so fucking tired of life and I'm a 14 year old girl and it's 3am and I'm crying I probably suffer from depression, anxiety, adhd or autism or all but I can't tell my parents cuz dad's not gonna understand and he's not even there emotionally and mum's sick so I have to make my younger brothers sleep and she has so much more trauma and stress than me, and I'm scared they're gonna find this and I have to use a fake account and I've literally cried through whole car rides and they haven't noticed and I've got lines on my wrist and they haven't noticed and I'm not close friends with anyone and I have a lot of cousins but my comfort cousin doesn't talk to me when we all get together and I feel so awkward and it's so fucked up that I can vent to strangers but not my parents and nobodies probably ever gonna see this and I'm banned from social media but it's the only way I found out that they're probably toxic parents and I have to act as a therapist to both of them and put them in a bad light to each other so they can vent and I have so much trauma probably but yk there's so many people who have it worse and I'm up at this hour cuz it's the only time I get to just be myself and I think I'm a burnt out autistic so everything irritates me and I get sensory overload but I can't say anything cuz mum's so tired after today so I gotta smile and help her and I was a gifted child but now I'm homeschooling and probably failing and I don't even wanna do the things I used to love like reading and calligraphy and I have to force myself to watch series and I read fanfics to feel something and I go to the bathroom daily to cry but to the outside world I'm very strong and don't cry, and mum says I shouldn't bottle up my feelings but when I tell her about it she suddenly has it 10x worse, and Im having a sexuality crisis, I think I'm bi but probably not and I can't tell anyone about it, and I want a really tight hug but not from mom or dad, cuz dad and mom argue alot but others have it worse and oh shit what did I do now dad is mad he's not speaking to us moms having a hard day so she can just yell at us but Im not allowed to have bad moods and Im guilt tripped for having them, and I'm gaslighted on a daily basis and I just wanna move out of this hell hole so I can be more productive but my parents have my future planned out for me, and I have a bestie but she has another bestie, and I'm a people pleaser and my brother pushes me to my limits but I can't say anything cuz I'll get yelled at cuz I'm older and am responsible but I don't wanna fucking be responsible and Matilda by Harry styles is my theme song and I have a house but not a home and I'm not supposed to be using my tablet rn and also my dad's not financially stable so now I'm somehow feeling guilty for that also, and Im just an emotional punching bag but other people have it worse, and I'm tired of living but too scared to die and ik I'm fucked up cuz when I was 7 I hid in a closet to see if my parents would look for me and they didn't and i was sad and I get relieved when they're not at home and I can do my own thing but what if I'm faking it, and I basically raised myself and am now the co-parent and I don't even cry for normal things like death and sad songs, I've just become numb and I'm FUCKING TIRED OF BEING OKAY but mom needs me and so does my brothers so I have to be okay and I'm also fat according to my parents and they don't say it explicitly and somehow that hurts more, and Im a klutz and I'm the older one I need to set a good example and they're looking for an excuse to find the bad in me and I have to walk on eggshells around mom cuz what if she gets mad at me and I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED AT 18 but mom wants that so I smile and say okay and they're so FUCKING strict on me and my brother is definitely mom's fav and when I tell her she gets mad, when she's stressed out and I try to help her she yells at me and I feel uncomfy with my dad showing me affection and just my dad in general and I have to help my brother's when my parents are moody, but yea I'm okay and you? 🫠

[kindlyfunkn]

in other news though this past month or so has been maybe the worst of my life, was already feeling down about everything but now my cars fucked up again. power steering pump is shot, terrified me driving to the garage the other day (for just an inspection, an inspection no repairs, so i can get my car re-registered. ffs.) bc it started blowing smoke out of the hood and the wheel suddenly locked up.

couldnt get a hold of anyone but idk none of my friends either have cars or are free during school/work hours this was maybe around 11. my first instinct was to call my mom but she was unavailable, shes been travelling bc of my cousins wedding in alberta and mightve still been on a plane maybe idk. but she would've probably called my dad anyway bc hes the one who could actually help me, i called him right after my mom didnt pick up.

he lives 2 hours away though, i was within walking distance to my house so i just called to ask what i should do. the switch in his voice from neutral to worried was funny, especially bc ive been giving him sort of the silent treatment since we got in a petty fight. he contemplated if he could come out to town to have a look but remembered his friend craig and told me to stay where i was to. his friend is someone ive met before and had look at my car before too, and he lives out in town.

so craig was really nice, got some power steering fluid for me, drove my car for me (bc he's used to driving junk) to the garage and spoke to the mechanic for me, vehemently denied my attempts to pay for the fluid and cab fees. he told me its really funny how similar i am to my dad when we need help. he said that he told me: "you're shy like him, you stutter like him, you're nervous like him... uh no offense."

anyway so the garage wasnt able to do anything for my car bc if they didnt have the parts to fix my steering then they couldnt complete the inspection, but he didnt charge me anything so that was cool.

gotta make another appointment at a different garage.

also, speaking to my mom last night i told her how awful thingsve been. headache almost every day, i cant sleep (other night only got to sleep after 7 am, then the next night only got 3 hours, as example), how when i got up i just started crying full waterworks and i wasnt even thinking about anything. didnt tell her how i keep wanting to get drunk at night bc my thoughts just run rampant, done it a few times now. the headaches come with or without a hangover though, i grind my teeth at night. my guard was missing for a while but recently ive found it i just havent been wearing it though i should.

i didnt mean to unload anything on her just give her an update how ive been feeling bc i havent had anyone to talk to really. dont really like to vent really seriously to my (twin) sister, and my older sister (whom i live with) doesnt ever really seem to care—i feel like i cant really be upset when im around her bc she always has something happening at work or whatever. plus she keeps saying things that make me feel worse or more worried and she doesnt realize how awful ive been feeling, a few times when expressing that my head or back hurts she offers nothing except "do you want to try my meds?" NO i dont want your prescription meds!! i did take one of her migraine meds once bc they wouldnt work for her so the last pill in the bottle she offered to me and i remarked that it worked a charm, but the new meds she has now are different and strong enough that apparently they are sometimes given post surgery. sure ibuprofen/naproxen and tylenol dont work more than half the time for me but im not going right into strong meds when im taking other things. my sister doesnt take any meds other than the migraine stuff, i do take meds, i dont want any interactions.

but anyway i got sidetracked, i'll tag with the sister vent tag too. anyway i kept what i said to my mom short and simple, didnt think much of it bc sure ive been stressed out and demotivated (what else is new) and just needed to get off my chest. hate complaining to my friends i feel i do it too much. mom gave me support words of encouragement stuff like that, but told me she'll look into therapy options for me if i want since im still under her and my step moms insurance while im a student (which i technically am, exams and classes are done but still need a workterm and we're only considered fully graduates until we complete a workterm). baffled me. i used to see a counsellor (not by choice to start and i got put in dbt which sucked but i could cancel so i did bc it wasnt going anywhere. dbt mightve helped but it was on a webcam and i leaned out of frame to grab my pencil once which dropped to the floor and i was scolded so i thought this sucks im dropping this lol) but it never did much for me, but i didnt expect my mom to bring up therapy outright. we dont really do/see stuff like that in our family.

but yknow a therapist may help me right now bc everythings going south and im not that smart with adult things yet so much that i think its detrimental, so i think i said yes. if it turns out i dont need it then i can just drop it, but i think somebody unbiased who knows how things work would be able to help me a lot. its just for figuring my life out.

woof this js a huge post. did not mean to write so much and meant to keep this simple and to the point, but yknow im incapable of being concise its a curse. wasnt even gonna talk about my car initially but just started rambling. anyway thats my shitty life update

[mindself]

Mind did not want to focus. Super tired even tho i slept like 7 hrs or more (felt like i didnt sleep that grear tho-- light sleeping rather than good rest) Didn't feel like waking up but my mind started waking up. So i might as well have gotten up. I don't have to go anywhere today. I should get some things done. But i think my mind is just tired from not resting last weekend. I did rest.... but not enough apparently. Driving wears me out no matter what else i do, even tho I've been driving for over 20 years. I think irregular schedule wears me out too, along with getting up in the morning even tho it's not that early and driving right away. Also if i have to go somewhere in the morning i often wake up earlier than i need to bc my mind is telling me i have to get up in the morning! Not that early tho! If i don't get 8 hours of sleep my mind is not at optimum which i hate. 7 is ok but not enough and gradually adds up negatively. And if i slept weird like waking up a lot it's even worse than not getting those hours at all. Plus it's even harder to get up now with sleeping pills and forcing myself to wake up even with coffee is draining (rather than easing into the day by 11 when my mind begins to work.... I used to be a morning person before my arm injury messed up my sleep schedule!!!). Perhaps trying to figure out things and not having them figured out for 15 years is also stressful-- and pressure building yearly ... even more this y bc i have to move out by October lol... And stress is stressful like i was driving in a storm last weekend and car went thru a puddle and stalled. Panicked. This happened last year and car battery died amd i had to get it towed. And im terrrified of car accidents... even more bc my car insurance shot up this y after scraping another car just a little in a parking lot... over $100 just to tow the car last year for a block and find nothing wrong w it.... It takes me a long time to recover from any kind of stress (why i avoid people... interaction takes too much out of me and i lose time and panic and have to rest)

I also have a slight headache today. And have vacation next week so im probably like why work just today. My sister is coming tomorrow and if im not rested i might do sth i regret. Need to charge energy for being with people (even tho i like my sister it all adds up) -- including a baby shower for my cousin on Sunday-- and driving on Saturday like 23 miles... packing.... switching gears...

May be from last weekend/needing to rest... maybe i am sick tho bc i haven't felt normal for a while. A sort of brain fog. This morning i heard my bagel pop up in the toaster and i . Opened the microwave. Brain glitches like that plus spacing out and not remembering things. Hard to think.

Maybe its built up stress since i can't handle trying to figure things out/pressure of not having it figured out yet. Why. Why can't i handke actual normal things

Maybe i need a vacation (but i need a vacation like. Every other week if the week + weekend is full .. Can't get anything done like that!!!). Maybe something is seriously wrong w me.

I was going to look up things on my phone this morning but as usual i checked my tumblr but this time i totally forgot what i was doing and was scrolling tumblr for a while without realizing it. Like i needed to actually do something (or SHOULD). I even forgot i needed to take a shower this morning. Suddenly i remembered. Well if I'm not getting anything else done i might as well take a shower...

Then i went to get dressed but even got diverted from that lol and started rearrranging the magnets on the magnet board on my dresser (one of those calendar ones-- mom gave me it for organizing but i just used it for magnets and putting cards, pictures etc on).

Maybe my mind is telling me i need to take a break. The one day i dont neeed to do anything. Even tho i SHOULDNT NEED TO TAKE A BREAK AFTER SO LITTLE

[miamoo27]

I am burnt out. I get excited to go to work now because I have a crush on my co worker who has a gf. He asks me to smoke with him and when we do, its fun, friendly but theres this tension. Im not sure its because we are the opposite sex or because there is something there. The left part of my brain is telling me to not event think of that since he has a girlfriend. Someone else has a 100 percent crush on me at work and they are a "christian" a deep devoted one. I do not like them like that. They are nice but there issues with religion is insane. Speaking of religion my mother bases her life off patriarchial POV in some sick tradition italian way (sorry to my ancestors). Her whole world view is her families. I suggested maybe it is time to move past that if its not working. I told her to switch her perpective look at all the things you did as a woman that you were told you couldnt. I wish she could see that. She also has an eating disorder which she isnt aware of. My father is now concerned which makes me equally concerned because if he is then there is definetly a problem. He finally saw its a psychological issue with her not eating. We went out and she ate none of her fish. She inspires to be skinny. Gets mad for eating pasta. Wears my pants because hers are too big. Sometimes being around her makes me feel fat because she never eats and all i do is eat. But during the day I barely want food I wish there was a pill to stop me from exhaustion and burn out. I said many times the past two days "I am having a mental break down." I wanted to throw up after the meeting at work. I smoked with Adam I felt better but stilll felt panic from the unease I felt since sunday nigt. I have my period it sucks. I havent had sex in two months, it sucks. I cried on my floor because my mom or me potentially lost my adderal. My dad displined me about getting my own pills, I hate him but hes right so I apologized and let him raise his voice which I rarely do but I know I have too much on my plate. My cousin is a drug addict. Hylan. I had to add that in because wow. My aunt amy is a narcist too smart for her own fucking good can read people like a book. Everyone is lucky that I always have good intentions and like to see the best in people or I would be like her. Ivana at work is on aderall constantly more than me and speaks a mile a minute and has the energy of a coke addict. Holly is a strong queen I dont know how she does it and a amazing teacher. I try and see the best in people I do but when this girl Sarah who I was friends with from work but then she became weird with me and started becoming slow at her job. I stopped liking her. She made me do everything today and is slower than slow. I am having a panic attack and can keep up with the kids. I enjoy them I do. Not the babies dont get me fucking started. The care giving, the baba, the poop, the dipers. What the fuck. You not my baby. But Still i dont think I enjoyed being a baby. I cried so much I hated it. Knowing my true nature I know I probably coudnt stand someone else taking care of me. Who knows how emotionally avabile my mom was. She was giving me to my aunt or nanny constantly. I feel bad for my mom she never got the time to truly "find herself" or question her views. Like no one pushed hen person. I think shes special. Shes smart but she has a victim mentality. the drinking did not help that and encouraged it. She always had a woe is me. Sorry I love my mom and I know this may sound bitchy but like she always looks like a lost deer. Shes been through hell and back but never used it to help other. I am sorry I can not forgive her because taking care of kids takes me out of my shit. We all have shit we get consumed with. I was able to go to work after feeling disgusted a day after Nick broke up with me. I cried because I watched Jude run away from her mother in fear because of how she acted in class. She kicked me hit me that day it made me cry for her to be angry with me. Not that she was kicking me. She just came into this world it sucks enough why make her go through more.

[nightmare-in-the-woods]

fuck it vent post

im not trigger warning this, read it at your own risk

It's long and I've been spiralling so have fun if ya do read it? Idk man. It's 2 am as I'm editing this to say it's a long ass post. I started writing this at 1 am so that says something I guess.

I fucking hate kids. Like so fucking much. Growing up I wanted kids, I thought I could be a good parent, less fucked up than my parents were.

And I know now that yeah, I could probably be a great dad. I'm great with kids, I have a three year old little sister who adores me, and multiple younger cousins that love me, and multiple of my friends younger siblings love me too.

But I now as an 18 year old hate kids, and I don't think I can love them again.

I don't want to hate kids. I don't want to. I want to be a good person who likes kids and can have kids but I fucking can't anymore.

I've had to watch my little sister so often, and like yeah I know that's a normal part of being an older sibling but I wasn't an older sibling until I was fucking 15.

When my little sister was born I fucking loved her with my whole heart but every day I have to watch her or babysit I grow to hate her a little more. It gets worse when I also have to watch these two other kids who's mom works for my mom.

I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE BABYSITTING THEM MY MOM IS

But every fucking day this week my mom was out and ended up coming home late to watch them so I've been watching them for like an hour every day, and yes an hour isn't a long time but I WAS WATCHING MY LITTLE SISTER FOR HOURS BEFORE THE BOYS COME OVER

AND THEN THE BOYS ARE FUCKING EXCITABLE KIDS (and there's nothing wrong with this but I've been dealing with a very excited three year old for hours at this point so I already don't have the energy for this shit) AND SO THEY'RE RUNNING AROUND AND HURTING EACH OTHER AND NOT FUCKING LISTENING WHEN ANYONE TELLS THEM TO FUCKING STOP

But I'm so good with kids that everyone around me expects me to be a fucking parent when I'm an adult and when I tell the truth and say that no I fucking hate kids and can barely stand being around them for more than thirty minutes I'm treated like a fucking mad man or a monster.

Like not only did I never want to have a biological child because mental health and physical health issues run in my family but now I don't want to have them at all

Do I blame my little sister for this? FUCK NO, if anything I blame my mother.

I used to love kids, I'm fucking great with kids, but I fucking hate kids now, and I wish I didn't but I do. I'm so tired of people treating me like crap for hating kids when they love them, like I'm so sorry my experience with my baby sister and every other child I've met has been terrible and I now see children as little screaming germs that literally can't give a fuck unless it's gonna affect them in any way. I'm sorry I said something that warned you of "kids aren't sunshines and rainbows, they can suck sometimes. Kids are people too and not just little dreamy meat slugs. That baby you're dreaming of having as an adult will grow up."

In short I can't fucking do it anymore. I've been watching kids all week and I'm fucking spiraling because I fucking hate kids now when I used to love them and I haven't been able to do a semblance of basic fucking self care because they sucked out all of my energy and its one am rn and im sobbing about how much kids exhaust me and how much i fucking hate myself.

Sorry adding more because I fucking can

I'm so fucking tired like I can't fucking sleep, if I'm sleeping im not getting there until three am and then I'm waking up at five, and then again at seven but when I wake up at seven there's no fucking hope to get back to sleep

So not only am I watching a bunch of screaming children, I'm watching them while sleep deprived and just praying for a fucking break from all the noise so that I can maybe MAYBE take a nap, because even when my mom does finally get home and take over I'm still exhausted and the walls are still thin and I'm just grasping at the straws of my fucking sanity praying for a chance to fucking rest that isn't talking to my favorite person because while yes talking to him does help a lot I can't fucking rely on one person to hold up my sanity.

I'm exhausted and the only actual break I've been able to scramble for is talking to this one person but that's not enough and I'm tired and I'm so fucking close to cutting again and I don't want to cut again but I know it would give me some sort of relief because it hurts.

It all fucking hurts. I'm tired and drained and I can't do it anymore. I just want it to stop hurting I just want some actual fucking sleep

My only solice is knowing that I'm going to my dad's house because I still do that 50/50 split custody thing Ive grown up always doing, so I won't have to be around any kids until Christmas, and then I go right back to Dad's after. Even if I fucking hate my dad I can at least take a fucking break at his house.

AND TO ADD ON TO THIS I FUCKING HATE CHRISTMAS

THAT'S RIGHT THE GUY WHO LIKE A LITTLE OVER AN HOUR AGO DID A HAPPY LITTLE POST ABOUT A CHRISTMAS TRADITION IN MY FAMILY HATES FUCKING CHRISTMAS

BECAUSE CHRISTMAS MEANS GETTING IN THE CAR AND SEEING A BUNCH OF FAMILY I HATE AND BEING UNCOMFORTABLE AND WATCHING PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED WITHIN A HUNDRED FEET OF ANY SORT OF ALCOHOL GET DRUNK

IT MEANS SEEING MY GRAMMIE WHO SHOWS CLEAR FAVORITISM TO ME WHICH I HATE BECAUSE SHE SEES ME AS A MINI SKINNY VERSION OF HER IT MEANS DEALING WITH MY BROTHER GETING SALTY AND BITCHY BECAUSE GRAMMIE'S FAVORITISM HURTS

IT MEANS BEING AROUND MY STEP DADS FAMILY WHO I MET WHEN I WAS 15 AND ONLY GIVE ME OBLIGATION SHIT

I DONT WANT THE GIFTS I WANT TO BE IGNORED AND I WANT TO GO FUCKING HOME BECAUSE I HATE YOU ALL

Ive tried turning Christmas into this fun positive thing by drawing things to give to my friends because I love them and like I've been using it as a sort of excuse to spoil my friends in any way I can but I fucking hate the holiday, it'll always be a terrible terrible lonely soul crushing holiday for me.

There has never been anything quite as lonely as sitting in a room full of family, that you hate or you're scared of or God forbid fucking both, and knowing that you'll never have that normal loving experience of a happy Christmas.