mindself

[mindself]

This is why I burn out, or collapse so easily, bc I'm always scared, I can't do this all the time, some of it is more minor like going outside and walking where ppl can see me, but then u add sth bigger like talk to someone new or the catastrophe, an interview, and I have to recover for 2 weeks, part of that beating myself up for being so stupid. I can't stop the fear. I barely notice it sometimes but I know it's there bc it paralyzes me. Fear is how I've always lived. Always.

“Do it scared” but please realize that, if you Do It Scared too much and don’t let yourself rest + relax + have fun in between, you will fuck yourself up. If you “do it scared” all day every day, you will burn out badly and quickly. Sometimes this is temporarily necessary but please keep this in mind.

[mindself]

HAHAHAHAA I already am middle aged and no one would be encouraged by it

Such a freak no one even identifies w me so... most outliers arent this much of a loser disaster-- so much so that i haven't even crashed and burned, just.... done nothing, been a total nobody. Who has been the same for 15 years since college. Someone like this has 0 prospects

you have to stay alive. you're going to be such a beautiful middle aged freak. young freaks will see you in the street and know that things can be okay.

[mindself]

Someday I'll think that making a minor mistake doesn't mean I need to kill myself?

The thing is, minor mistakes really are all part of the overall loserness of me. They are damning indicators of how much of an unperson I am.

How socially awkward and stupid.

[mindself]

Thanks for hanging out with me! Was I cool? did you like me? What do you think of me in detail? Do you hate me?

[mindself]

Dear mum: if we only focused on happy emotions all the time and weren't sometimes in tune w sad ones, we wouldn't have great literature and poetry.

[mindself]

The more I show of who i am rather than the people pleasing vacant sycophant i am automatically merely bc of fear, the less people want to have anything to do with me

Iow, if i show any personality instesd of the bland thing i am for merely self preservation, people can't wait to get away

But I'm not changing for them (even if i could)

[mindself]

[mindself]

actually i love growing older and learning how i work as a person like realizing what kinds of fabrics feel best on my skin or what brand of yogurt i like best or how I want to be touched. watching myself change, enjoying brussel sprouts when I used to hate them as a child, understanding why I got angry in that one conversation 10 years ago… there are so many mysteries inside me that i have yet to unravel and there will always be more and sometimes i think maybe its all worth it

[mindself]

You deserve to be able to talk to someone about your feelings without being made to feel guilty for having them.

[mindself]

I feel like I am always under dads disapproval by default. Unless I somehow fo something he approves of.

Mom accepts me as I am, the default is positive-- until I have any negative feelings or am not just happy/talking about non serious subjects, then she often gets mad. Like she only likes the version of me that isn't giving any trouble, the model daughter that never behaved badly

[mindself]

One of the biggest things my father taught me is to be ashamed to take up space

[mindself]

Problem is I'm always scared so I burn out so quickly I can barely do anything

My comfort zone is the size of my room.

“Do it scared” but please realize that, if you Do It Scared too much and don’t let yourself rest + relax + have fun in between, you will fuck yourself up. If you “do it scared” all day every day, you will burn out badly and quickly. Sometimes this is temporarily necessary but please keep this in mind.

[mindself]

[mindself]

My partner has taught me that you shouldn’t have to earn someone’s love by conforming to their idea of what they want you to be. Their love shouldn’t be conditional based on whether you’re doing what they want.

You deserve love now, as you are. You are worthy.

[mindself]

Well I'm not a functional person so either something happened to me or something is inherently wrong w me...

[mindself]

I don’t belong to my parents. I don't have to be subservient and passive and small just bc i live w them

I have to become more and more independent, more me-- in order to get out

[mindself]

I got back from my aunt's with a new mindset--

1. More independent-- i say no to things i dont care about and don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. Not cater to people's whims just because i fear disapproval.

2. Immersing in nature, in wild space, helped me feel better, recover from summer, get some peace-- i dont want to lose that. I'm going outside more and just being. (I need to live in the country so i dont have to interact with anyone for days if i don't feel like it. I think that would fix me. I think i might want to be w ppl some if they weren't crushing in on my soul in this ugly cityscape)

After birthday I'm like -- might as well do what i want. What do i have to lose?

I hope i move forward and never lose this.