mindself

[mindself]

Despise myself for being afraid of someone so pathetic

[mindself]

I just hide more. Bc I can't pretend well, the mask is too ill fitting. And they ask me to do things i don't understand, don't care about, or don't believe in so why would I sell out who I am for someone eho doesn't care about me

People seriously underestimate the long term effects of constant loneliness

"why are you so weird?" Idk, maybe because being completely isolated while growing up has destroyed my brain and now I'm nothing more than a human-mimicking creature that bases all of my actions on what I think is normal human behavior rather than just doing things naturally

[mindself]

I do feel like this whole self improvement culture thing can go too far where people are never happy with who they are and where they are because they’re constantly trying to be better or do better and they’re always waiting for some sort of glow up or achievement or therapy realisation that will make them feel complete but that isn’t real and life is actually in the every day

[mindself]

Never bowing to others

But...

Too sensitive. May not be capable of being independent.

THE THINGS I WANT THE MOST

Be independent

Use creativity and mind to change the world

I.e. writing

Words can change the world.

But how do you earn money without selling out. If it's on the side-- for someone with limited mental and emotional energy-- how do I do something for a living that doesn't kill my soul and make it so I can't fulfill my purpose. If i sever the things most important to me, then.... I will just be a hollow thing.

Why should I amputate a huge part of who I am? To satisfy someone else who doesn't care about me? To get money because I can't achieve my dreams.... if i can't do what I've been working on... I don't have anything else to offer. I will just be a thing at the bottom of society who never achieves any sort of potential or maybe my potential is doing something ill fitting bc not much fits me. Def not anything social, or technical ... not mechanical or menial... my mind needs food! Creative soul suppressed is... hollowed out thing

If mom can do what she loves why can't I. If Steve Jobs can why can't I. Bc I'm not capable!! ?? Of either my dreams or anything else... so.... why . Am i here just to live in misery beneath everything else

[mindself]

Not settling

Not selling out

Because the only alternative is something that kills my soul.

[mindself]

Dreamers who don't have the capacity to achieve their dreams should never have existed.

[mindself]

What if it's hopeless but you still need to go on... into what????

[mindself]

People like this need to either not exist or be put out of their misery.

[mindself]

I STILL flinch every time I think dad will scold me for putting a spoon in the wrong place etc so don't tell me it was nothing.

[mindself]

Life is rape

[mindself]

Sometimes a "I can't relate to what you're going through, but it sounds horrible and I'll do what I can to help you" is a far more compassionate approach than acting like you get it

[mindself]

People who don't care about who I am, the specifics of me but just care if i live or die.... don't exactly encourage me to want to live

[mindself]

I guess it's better for the family to keep living a twilight life rather than ending it. Would hurt them more even though I'm a burden and take up resources without giving much in return. For some reason death is the most pain even tho they don't really seem to care about me as a person except that i don't die. So this is my sacrifice.

Wish I could live an actual life, let things come to life that i want and are part of me but I'm not capable of creating or building.... just sapping resources, barely alive. Eventually something bad will happen when my parents can't take care of me anymore...my cats better be gone by then bc I can't give them up

[mindself]

just found out that if i stay in my room all the time my life will eventually shrink to the size of it and i will lose all memory of how to function as a person. shocked & upset

[mindself]

hey sorry it's just that i don't think i'm very good at being a person. thanks for letting me try with you, anyway.

[mindself]

I became vegetarian at age 19. I don't remember having any trauma... except some things I feel as trauma but may not be objectively. I am very sensitive so what affects me is likely not to affect others at all. Idk. I feel stressed all the time (since age 13)

What happened at age 19? I was struck by the fact the turkey at Thanksgiving had real ligaments etc in it. I just. Couldn't eat it. That was the trigger for vegetarianism. I haven't eaten meat for 20 years. What was the trigger for that? I always liked animals. Grandma was vegetarian. Was there any trauma or am I an outlier in this? Idk what trauma is I guess. I def didn't have the normal kind like child abuse, etc (unless u count dad not talking to me except to yell at me to shut the fridge door etc most of my childhood. Or the face face used spanking as punishment Or the time the older guy kissed me on the mouth when I was 11 ... or the fact i had to go to things with other kids/teens and . I never fit in

Abstract: "Examinations of links between plant-based diets (e.g., vegetarian and vegan diets) and indices of physical and mental health have received increased attention in the scientific literature in recent years. However, there has been little to no published research examining predictors of plant-based diet choice. Researchers have suggested that plant-based diets could be linked to trauma for a variety of reasons, including the idea that trauma can increase the risk for mental illnesses, and plant-based diets may be adopted to self-medicate mental illness and promote recovery. The current study examined the link between trauma across the lifespan and experiences of intimate partner violence (IPV) with adherence to a plant-based diet. Participants were a nationally representative United States sample of 1665 individuals who completed self-report questionnaires. Consistent with hypotheses, bivariate correlations indicated that all measures of trauma were associated with an increased likelihood of being plant-based. Findings from a logistic regression analysis indicated those with a history of IPV were 2.31 times more likely to be plant-based, and those with any experience of trauma more broadly were 1.09 times more likely to be plant-based. These results suggest the importance of considering the role of trauma and victimization when examining links between plant-based diet and other outcomes and point to a number of possible avenues for additional investigation to better understand these associations."

[mindself]

Why???

Imwan I'm not just saying it. I feel like this.who likes this lol

Of course I find the more offbeat social media. Then I don't even fit in here