mindself

[mindself]

For me it was the fact dad was depressed. Now, he couldn't help it-- except he could have tried any kind of treatment or therapy, which he never did. Or maybe tried a little harder bc he did have a family. But most of my memories of him as a kid he was lying on that brown couch with black polka dots doing nothing or denigrating himself-- or yelling at us to shut the door, lock the door, shut the fridge, be quiet...... like, he was there but not there. For the most part he didn't pay attention to us except admonishment. It was a big empty space. Idk...maybe it's not valid to feel this way as the therapist I visited the one time made me feel like an outlier for feeling neglected by a dad who was there, she was like even if most ppl wouldn't feel this its ok.. but wouldn't most ppl feel like this? Should I feel it was totally normal and fine for a father that was like this? Depressed parents don't affect other people?? (Part of me is mad he is also in my genes and I end up like this... or was it kind of a self fulfilling prophecy or a curse bc I resented him-- that I end up the same! So i have no right to resent him/ but I despise the part of myself that is like this, maybe i deserve that)

Dad did get better (by the time i was grown up but still. Not moved away at 40, standstill of a life past college... why, bc I can't overcome genetics or how much of it is my fault/pathological indecisiveness/quietness/0 personality... can't escape this inertia, nothing of a past, black hole) but resentment is still the default I have to fight all.the.time. and to this day I have never heard dad say he loves me.

It’s really valid if you have big feelings about being neglected as a child or pushed aside. Even if it was for what some see as a valid reason (sick sibling, etc), it’s still okay to be upset by it and feel the effects. Someone else needing more doesn’t mean you deserved less.

[mindself]

[mindself]

"fake it til you make it"

I hate with a passion. It never worked for me. I just ended up hating myself. And others.

I dont adapt to things. My internal self remains constant. When I am not myself with others, I'm constantly aware of the discrepancy between external and internal selves, and this is torture. This is why I avoid people, so I don't have to feel this. Because I am only someone else out of fear they will hate my real self. And they hate my fake self too because I'm not good at faking. They hate the fear I exude, they hate the quietness even if they sometimes "like " it bc you can't help but despise someone who is quiet and fearful with no personality. Being blandly nice out of fear isn't a personality. Really that's as much as I could fake it most of the time. Which isn't faking but isn't my internal self either. Most of me is in my mind. Doesn't show irl bc of fear. What even is this

[mindself]

going into hibernation to avoid my problems, because i can’t 🐻 it anymore

[mindself]

“Honestly, I don’t need someone who sees the good in me. I need someone who sees the bad in me and still wants me.”

— Unknown (via thelovejournals)

[mindself]

Sounds fake

Like... i dont get this

Am i not part of the human race? It seems so ubiquitous.

Yes the rumors are true. You all heard correctly. I am infact horny and yearning again for the hundredth time this week.

[mindself]

[mindself]

I'm an empath who wants to cut down all psychopaths. An avenging angel not the pathetic masochistic professional victims

npd culture is wondering who popularized the term empath and why the fuck have they anointed themselves as the nemesis of any pwnpd they meet?

You know the meme with the guy who lodges a stick in his own bicycle and falls to his side? Ngl empaths look like that.

Haven't seen an empath call themselves an empath and not mention narc abuse two seconds later. Like if these bitchass whiny empaths are so good at sensing our evil intentions why the fuck don't they save themselves the trouble, turn away, and run as fast as they can? Why do they have to approach the demon expecting all the worst, and bitch and moan about it later? Empaths explain????

.

[mindself]

I really can't relate to anyone who has had an ex. People sad they broke up, what even is that. To not only have had a boyfriend but the relationship be in the past?? Bizarre. Can't be real. At least I don't have that kind of pain. Can't imagine being in love. Don't even want to be attached to someone that much I'm devastated they're torn away. And relationships usually seem toxic anyway. Men always want to dominate and manipulate women and then women are sad over people who don't deserve it. Pain over someone who likes causing pain-- no thank you.

[mindself]

I’ve got a sixth sense it’s called paranoia

[mindself]

What is. A relationship

[mindself]

what if what i CAN do is way less than what I HAVE TO do

[mindself]

I have a bigger goal but i can't do anything but survive!! I hate it!

You know what? It’s okay if your only goal right now is to survive. You don’t need big aspirations or recovery goals. It’s okay to focus on the now and getting through this moment.

[mindself]

I can't imagine anything a man could do that would make me fall for him, actually. It would all seem like manipulation. Sorry I'm not selling my independence and self respect for any product or service. Not so i can be attached to someone who only wants to possess me not respect me as an equal.

[mindself]

In my experience, people only use vulnerability against you, or ignore it and let you fend for yourself

I dont want to give them ammunition

Lol broadcasting vulnerability on tumrblr and Facebook has only led to ppl ignoring my pain or laughing at it or taking advantage of it....

I don't get help. I don't want help. I don't want want be dependent on people who will take advantage of that, demand something in return.

Your vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you want to connect, an instinct we’ve had for so long as a species. We are social creatures. Please don’t self-isolate out of fear of seeming too vulnerable, too helpless, too lonely, too awkward. Needing people is a natural thing for a human, don’t deny yourself that

[mindself]

Imagine forming a relationship with a real human person!

Sounds fake

[mindself]

Do not punish the behaviour you want to see

I mean, it seems pretty obvious when you put it like that, right?

But how many families, when an introvert sibling or child makes an effort to socialize,  snarkily say, “So, you’ve decided to join us”?

Or when someone does something they’ve had trouble doing, say, “Why can’t you do that all the time?” (Happened to me, too often.)

Or any sentence containing the word “finally”. 

If someone makes a step, a small step, in a direction you want to encourage, encourage it. Don’t complain about how it’s not enough. Don’t bring up previous stuff. Encourage it.

Because I swear to fucking god there is nothing more soul-killing, more motivation-crushing, than struggling to succeed and finding out that success and failure are both punished.