astroceans

[astroceans]

11.02.22

i dont know how to stop it. the thoughts the memories. i thought that maybe when you decided it would all stop. contrary, they wont stop. im stuck thinking about the last 6 months and the times i could of been better and done better. the times where i should of stayed quiet where i should have loved you more. theres no benefit in thinking it though. i know you've made up your mind. and when i called you out i didn't think you would leave. i thought you'd stay like you had before. i thought you would fight more or maybe even just try. but this time you didn't. you left, you moved on. and now i think where i went wrong and if i could just been different. that if maybe i wasn't so messed up you would of stayed. maybe if i was less sad less me you wouldn't leave. but its ok. i know she is kind and she is beautiful. she is loved and taken care of. she can love you. and i know you deserve who takes away all the lies and brings you hope, poetry, and most importantly coffee. if i could talk to her, i would tell her this. his birhtday is january 10. hes actually not a typical capricorn but that might be because his mother is a cancer. hes emotional. he is kind. he is thoughtful. his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. hes a great gift giver. he has the biggest heart. hes easily influenced. gym is his therapy. he loves his family especially his sister and his mom. hes actually a feminist. hes a clean person. his alcohol tolerance is suprsisngly high. he likes to party and have fun. but more importantly i think he likes to stay in and do nothing. his favorite color is blue but he looks great in orange. his favorite artist is j balvin. and his music taste is impeccable. hes cannot park if his life depended on it but hes a great driver. he has a sweet tooth and probably the reason he has so many cavities. his favorite sweet is donuts, coming in second gummies. his grandpa is his biggest inspiration. and like many people, he's been hurt too many times especially by me. he has the worst anxiety and overthinks too much. his best friend committed suicide and his cousin was close to. he needs reassurance and lots of love. overall, i think he's the only person who has fought for me and for our relationship something i couldn't understand and maybe why i can't let it go. 

i know you deserve more than i could ever give you. you deserve an easy love with someone who doesn't have so many layers to cut through. someone with less complications and more love to give. in fact someone who isn't afraid to be loved. i know my thoughts wont leave because i live with regret, i live with sadness. i know i'll have to live without you and live with the thought that i failed you. and more importantly that given the choice, you wouldn't choose me anymore. that i am no longer the girl you want to be with and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with . i am not the first thought in your mind and i am not the last one either. you have simply moved and found arms to come home to. and i am stuck being the sad story. the girl who cannot love and be loved. and maybe thats what kills me the most. you get to move on and i cannot even find myself talking to another person without crying. i cannot listen to music without breaking down. i cant eat without feeling guilty. that i've lost myself throughtout everything and it took you a week to move on. i'd like to ask you how you did it but i fear that when i hear your voice i would lose my breathe. i have no hope for life. and i find no pleasure in it. i live day by day hoping one day i feel less sad but its been a month and a half and i still can't listen to our song. i know its not your fault but how cannot it not be? when i told you this you didnt seem to care and you chose to move on. im so tired of crying and the sleepless nights. the calling out of work. the torturing myself at the gym. the breaking down every time i go out with my friends. you're the punchline to all my jokes and the topic of conversation when it comes to gossip. you're the theme of all my spotify playlists and the inspiration behind my new hair color. youre my excuse when my parents ask me why i can't be more active in church and the reason i dont text back any guy. the reason i've started smoking again. i dont want to love you anymore. but im sorry i love you.

[astroceans]

08.23.24

i look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize her, she looks like the shell of the person i used to be, doesn't seem better nor doesn't seem worse. this girl in the mirror is 20 pounds overweight but she's still the same one who counts calories and smokes ice mint vapes to avoid eating. the girl in the mirror looks glowing but hates her appearance. the girl in the mirror doesn't touch herself at night anymore but because she has no drive anymore. the girl in the mirror has a boyfriend but no longer has any friends at all. the girl in the mirror has her finances in order but lives with her parents again. she is not worse not better. she is just a reminder of who she was. the girl in the mirror no longer lives in psychical pain caused by razors but lives in mental agony caused by life. she is not better and she is not worse. how could that be? how can someone not be better but not be worse? how can someone exchange an unfulfilled life for another unfulfilled one? it's a fair trade or at least i think. negotiation has never been my strong suit. so when i look at myself, i see her and i think this is what it looks to be like you and feel like you but at the same time not feeling like anything. how it feels to be depressed but happy at the same time. how it feels to breathe but at the same time be gasping for air. the feeling of nothing but everything at the same time. the feeling of knowing everything has changed yet somehow stayed the same.

[astroceans]

just passing through

the postcard for september in the postcard club!

[astroceans]

snoopy image of the day

[astroceans]

01.02.22

te extraño, pero solamente soy tu amiga. no una amante. no la chica que te quiere. solamente la amiga en cual tu te apoyas en tus días tristes y usas en tus momentos débiles. el día que te dije tú aceptaste sin preguntar sin pelar. como si esto fuera el plan desde el principio. como si tu ya lo habías visto en una visión. solamente hiciste unas cuantas preguntas y callaste. sin pensar en lo que pasaba al otro lado de la pantalla. una niña cayendo al piso, llorando sin razón. una decisión que tomó ella con mucho dolor con pena. palabras no salían de mi boca solamente llantos y lágrimas. sentía el dolor de la niña en mi. la que soñaba con felices para siempre. ¿como le digo que felices para siempre son solo en los sueños? pertenecen en los cuentos de hadas o en las vidas de los ricos. quiero solamente vivir feliz con el un sólo día. así la niña adentro de mi ser me dejará de preguntar what did i do wrong. tu nunca hiciste el mal, niña mía. el mundo es cruel, tu corazón es bueno. you love too hard too fast. ahora me encuentro en el baño tragándome las lagrimas mientras me arreglo para salir. y cuando llego con mis amigas, mi llanto sacia. sería calmada como mi mamá me hubiera esperado. "no llores más" me decía cuando llegamos con compañía. mi madre me enseñó a no mostrar emoción al estar con otros. "sola puedes sentir todo pero al salir tu te calmas". oh madre desearía contarle a mi amiga why i can't listen to love songs or order coffee at starbucks. son recordatorios que lo perdí. al llegar a mi carro siento mi soledad, es cuando puedo soltar mis llantos de dolor. in my head come to mind the words i said. we're only friends i told you. pero yo no quiero ser amigos i don't need to see other people. i know i only need you. tu no me peleas. porque no me peleas? porque no me dices que no necesitas una amiga? necesitas una compañera, necesitas quien te ame y te quiera. busco las maneras de justificarte, razones para comprobar que me quieres. no lo encuentro. you don't fight for us y lloro más. lloro porque no hay más que hacer no hay solución al problema que yo invente. amor regresa a mi fight for us enséñame que no tengo que temer al cambio, que tu intención no es lástimarme sino amarme. aunque no debo, le oro a dios que nos ayude a regresar juntos como desde el principio. pero hasta dios sabe que es mi karma por no quererte desde enero. ahora simplemente lloro hasta la madrugada y despierto hasta la tarde. me quedo en cama todo el día para no pensar en ti. no abro mi boca capaz que se salga mi veneno otra vez.

[astroceans]

11.02.22

i dont know how to stop it. the thoughts the memories. i thought that maybe when you decided it would all stop. contrary, they wont stop. im stuck thinking about the last 6 months and the times i could of been better and done better. the times where i should of stayed quiet where i should have loved you more. theres no benefit in thinking it though. i know you've made up your mind. and when i called you out i didn't think you would leave. i thought you'd stay like you had before. i thought you would fight more or maybe even just try. but this time you didn't. you left, you moved on. and now i think where i went wrong and if i could just been different. that if maybe i wasn't so messed up you would of stayed. maybe if i was less sad less me you wouldn't leave. but its ok. i know she is kind and she is beautiful. she is loved and taken care of. she can love you. and i know you deserve who takes away all the lies and brings you hope, poetry, and most importantly coffee. if i could talk to her, i would tell her this. his birhtday is january 10. hes actually not a typical capricorn but that might be because his mother is a cancer. hes emotional. he is kind. he is thoughtful. his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. hes a great gift giver. he has the biggest heart. hes easily influenced. gym is his therapy. he loves his family especially his sister and his mom. hes actually a feminist. hes a clean person. his alcohol tolerance is suprsisngly high. he likes to party and have fun. but more importantly i think he likes to stay in and do nothing. his favorite color is blue but he looks great in orange. his favorite artist is j balvin. and his music taste is impeccable. hes cannot park if his life depended on it but hes a great driver. he has a sweet tooth and probably the reason he has so many cavities. his favorite sweet is donuts, coming in second gummies. his grandpa is his biggest inspiration. and like many people, he's been hurt too many times especially by me. he has the worst anxiety and overthinks too much. his best friend committed suicide and his cousin was close to. he needs reassurance and lots of love. overall, i think he's the only person who has fought for me and for our relationship something i couldn't understand and maybe why i can't let it go. 

i know you deserve more than i could ever give you. you deserve an easy love with someone who doesn't have so many layers to cut through. someone with less complications and more love to give. in fact someone who isn't afraid to be loved. i know my thoughts wont leave because i live with regret, i live with sadness. i know i'll have to live without you and live with the thought that i failed you. and more importantly that given the choice, you wouldn't choose me anymore. that i am no longer the girl you want to be with and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with . i am not the first thought in your mind and i am not the last one either. you have simply moved and found arms to come home to. and i am stuck being the sad story. the girl who cannot love and be loved. and maybe thats what kills me the most. you get to move on and i cannot even find myself talking to another person without crying. i cannot listen to music without breaking down. i cant eat without feeling guilty. that i've lost myself throughtout everything and it took you a week to move on. i'd like to ask you how you did it but i fear that when i hear your voice i would lose my breathe. i have no hope for life. and i find no pleasure in it. i live day by day hoping one day i feel less sad but its been a month and a half and i still can't listen to our song. i know its not your fault but how cannot it not be? when i told you this you didnt seem to care and you chose to move on. im so tired of crying and the sleepless nights. the calling out of work. the torturing myself at the gym. the breaking down every time i go out with my friends. you're the punchline to all my jokes and the topic of conversation when it comes to gossip. you're the theme of all my spotify playlists and the inspiration behind my new hair color. youre my excuse when my parents ask me why i can't be more active in church and the reason i dont text back any guy. the reason i've started smoking again. i dont want to love you anymore. but im sorry i love you.

[astroceans]

07.10.23

i think i'll hold my breathe. count to 3. exhale. do it one more time just in case. i'll hold my breathe, count to 3 and exhale. i hope this will stop my tears and make me feel better. but then i'll hold my breathe count to 5 and exhale. i don't know how to answer you. why do you want to be just my friend? i've heard this one before. then i'll hold my breathe count to 7 and exhale. did i do something wrong? why is the story repeating? i'll hold my breathe count to 9 and exhale. my tears don't stop rolling. he told me the same thing for 2 years. and the guy i met in october told me we could be friends and he's engaged now. why do you just want to be my friend? i'll hold my breathe count to 10 and exhale. i can't trust you anymore. you are just like him. and him. and him. and the rest of them. i'll hold my breathe count 11 and exhale. i'm sorry was all you could say. but sorry can't fix it. you can't put a bandaid on a bullet wound. i'll hold my breathe but i won't count anymore. i sit in silence and you ask me to say something. but the rug has been pulled from my feet. the little trust i offered was stolen. it wasn't given back. i exhale. say something you say but what is there to say? you have said it all. i want to be your friend i hope we can just be friends. i'll just hold my breathe. 

[astroceans]

08.23.24

i look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize her, she looks like the shell of the person i used to be, doesn't seem better nor doesn't seem worse. this girl in the mirror is 20 pounds overweight but she's still the same one who counts calories and smokes ice mint vapes to avoid eating. the girl in the mirror looks glowing but hates her appearance. the girl in the mirror doesn't touch herself at night anymore but because she has no drive anymore. the girl in the mirror has a boyfriend but no longer has any friends at all. the girl in the mirror has her finances in order but lives with her parents again. she is not worse not better. she is just a reminder of who she was. the girl in the mirror no longer lives in psychical pain caused by razors but lives in mental agony caused by life. she is not better and she is not worse. how could that be? how can someone not be better but not be worse? how can someone exchange an unfulfilled life for another unfulfilled one? it's a fair trade or at least i think. negotiation has never been my strong suit. so when i look at myself, i see her and i think this is what it looks to be like you and feel like you but at the same time not feeling like anything. how it feels to be depressed but happy at the same time. how it feels to breathe but at the same time be gasping for air. the feeling of nothing but everything at the same time. the feeling of knowing everything has changed yet somehow stayed the same.

[astroceans]

[astroceans]

moon love