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#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice
nomairuins
·
1 month
Text
i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing
#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.
#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day
#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes
#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her
#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work
#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to
#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat
#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me
#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even
#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it
#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified
#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying
#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly
#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me
#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in
#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i
#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage
#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god
#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week
#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice
#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel
#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in
#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.
#ed ment
#a2t
#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it
#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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