#its not like my life is even that difficult so why cant I just be okay
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Linktober Day 8. Tunic
#linktober#linktober 2024#the legend of zelda#wind waker#ocarina of time#loz#loz ww#loz oot#link#josh art tag#had a lot of fun with this one despite how annoying it was to draw#oot link was at a difficult angle and i also just could not shade this for the life of me. restarted the shading like 3 times#i think im reaching that point in the cycle i typically go thru with my artstylr where ive grown tired of my shading style#to the point that i forget how to do it and it never quite looks right#so if my next post features changes to my artstyle thats why lol#but i enjoyed making this despite that cuz i like the ideas behind it!#i normally wouldve redesigned ww!link's outfit but i purposefully drew it accurately#to highlight how its more like a costume. cuz thats kinda what it was! and its modeled after the hero of times clothes#but is pretty innacurate. which i think is cool.. shows how much time has passed and how the view of the hero of time has warped#so i also purposefully made oot link wearing my redesigned outfit for him (even if you cant see much of it at this angle)#to further emphasize how ww!link's outfit is not only essentially a costume but is also quite innacurate#i like having ww!link ditch the costume for something else to show how he stops being some kid in oot!link's shadow#and grows into a true hero of his own#hence my ww!link redesign where i put him back in the lobster shirt. but i do keep some green and something similar to the hat#to have him fit in with the other links while still being unique#look i have a lot of feelings about ww!link and oot!link#i wish zelda would do more stuff like this... i think having oot relate to wind waker makes the story more interesting#and makes ww!link more interesting! cuz he cant be the hero of time they want. but he does become the real hero they need#the oot ww tp trio is so good... and they all work great as standalone games but their connections do really add something
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gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow
#life update if anyone gaf we're now at the point where i know i'm getting the adhd diagnosis and yet i STILL HAVE TO WAIT#like she just isnt sure if it's adhd or add (its norway theyre not gonna update the terms any time soon just roll with it)#and im just like. girl i don't give a fuck#its been so many years i cant do this anymore#we've talked to my fucking kindergarten teachers like 😭 they've investigated my entire life atp#to make sure i did in fact have all these issues from birth#because my word and my mum's word just isn't good enough i guess#like lets rely on the selective memories of random ass people ive encountered growing up this is ASININE#anyway my godmother had a 4h consultation the other day and got diagnosed on the spot#so now my mum is mad at her LMFAO#cause my mum's like. that bitch doesn't even have adhd. shes fine.#which i feel like is probably wrong but i agree with the sentiment#where is the deep dive investigation into her wholeass existence 😭#its cause she got to go private but they refuse to refer me to a private specialist so i have to keep going publuc#public#and if i go private on my own its too expensive plus the waitlist is years long#so. whatever. i guess.#man im so tired.#i will never ever ever forgive my psychiatrist from when i was 15 who said i probably had adhd but because i did ok in school its fine#and they wouldnt set the diagnosis#because the fact that i have papers from when i was 15 saying i don't have it is what's making this all so difficult#even though if you read all the papers it says i hit on EVERY SINGLE POINT#which is why the One Psych who listened to me is absolutely fuming losing her mind cause she can't understand why any of this happened#man i hate my fucking life lol
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i just wanna know. what does anyone want artists to do. im really just curious. Like if u steal all of our work and chase us out of all of the jobs and crush every single one of us until we either die or quit. Whats the end goal. artists provided their work for free for 2 decades and built their lives in digital spaces. And in a few years the landscape is changing drastically away from that :/. I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of artists being disrespected. And yet its not going to Stop. Our spaces are still snuck into and scraped, our work is still stolen, and we still have people that are just outright fucking nasty to us just bc u draw a furry animal or are queer. what is anyone supposed to do. our communities were destroyed. our spaces were destroyed. so many artists are Gone and scattered to the winds. What is anyone Doing.
#not art#more than anything else its just Venting#i genuinely. want to die So Bad because of this shit dude.#like i built my whole entire life in digital spaces because there was Nothing for me outside of them#and now theres nothing Inside of them either#and i feel so fucking empty#my friends are hurting or Gone#my peers are Gone#the spaces only get Worse#my peers are being Stolen From over and over#the infighting is its OWN thing and i COULD tolerate that when it was Most of what i was dealing with#but now its . from the outside too#now theres outfighting and infighting! and i cant . theres just no space for me#theres no space for anyone! they were all fucking crushed#and its So Difficult to feel like theres ANY POINT to building your work online anymore#why should i keep fucking posting??? feed an art bot and an algorithm??? my friends arent going to see it#the people i like arent going to see it#whats the fucking point.#vent#vent post#-_- sorry#cw sui ideation#im So SO tired man :( im so Fucking Sad too#i never get any less sad looking around my spaces anymore :(#we had th and artfight and even those are fucking. a part of scraping now. and it is truly the final straw for me?#like you came into OUR spaces#OURS. for ARTISTS. and ARTISTS ALONE...#and you STOLE our work :(#that we put out FOR FREE ANYWAYS.#. :(
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard
#i have to operate under the assumption that if people have an issue they will tell me but unfortunately this isnt true .#and it has happened to me in the past that i thought everything was ok because people were giving signals i wasnt picking up on#due to the autism so now im paranoid and constantly looking for signs i did something wrong and people are mad#and then i find them where they arent there which perversely does more to ruin a friendship than almost anything else#like the constant Are you mad at me... so i try to force myself not to do that and just#try to again assume that people arent however. im so worried about being blindsided Also of course i naturally dont want to make people#upset so if i am doing something wrong i want to change my behavior. however the fact its nuanced like#where you have to only do that a little bit and then take people at their word most of the time#fucking sucks like you actually are required in relationships to read peoples unspoken signals but you cant do that Too much#and if you misinterpet them its bad... but you cant ask for feedback too much because thats bad too. IT DOES MY HEAD IN actually like#it makes it so hard for me to interact with people because im just worried All of the time . and i have to be constantly like#ok check the facts and adjust behavior. check the facts and adjust behavior. make sure the facts are facts and not jumping to conclusions.#ok how do i do that . ok when do i ask directly. also people dont always tell the truth when you Do ask directly .#and then this is why my whole life i have mostly kept to myself and im trying to stop doing that but its hard because talking to others is a#puzzle for me that stresses me out more than anything else. man this sucksssssss can i just BE NORMAL!!!!!!#i know like Everyone has this problem its a common issue with relationships Communication but it feels especislly difficult for me .i#like cant fathom how other people manage very large numbers of friendships like even being able to count my close friends#on one hand i feel like im barely managing everything and im letting everyone down constantly but again i think thatsnonly my perception/#worry and not even true. god
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(just some thoughts about things, I think its rather long so you don't have to read ❤️❤️)
#(sorry for the sudden post but hmmm)#(I cant tell if I am just not into bsd as much as other people)#(or if its simply bc Im just not as opinionated)#(the current story arc has gotten so far and like woah that I don't feel like super excited or shocked whenever there's a new update)#(either that or seeing everyones complaints about everything kinda dampens the excitement)#(tbh I really enjoyed up to like the guild arc but once it got into the whole like fyodor business my brain stopped)#(its interesting but maybe I just like happy endings too much haha)#(I dont talk to anyone in the fandom but I feel like it is very negative(#(hence the reason why I dont really interact outside of posting these drawings every once in a while)#(I like slice of life stuff I suppose and all this is too much haha I much prefer bsd wan honestly)#(itd probably be easier to just ignore the fandom or so)#(but its a bit difficult to do when I wanna see cool art and cool ideas too)#(I dont know)#(maybe bc I dont remember much from the manga but I dont feel as negative as others)#(sorry this was really long hahaha)#(I think I just dont want to feel alone again)#(though I dont have any mutuals so I guess I kinda already am haha)#(🌟🌟 it makes me happy if even one person likes my drawings or ideas)#(makes me feel like I can do it)#(and not feel so negative about something I quite enjoy!)
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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another morning another free bus journey..
#feeling okay this morning.. im usually better in the mornings its just when the meds wear off that i start to lag a bit#and ruminate ahh. no point ruminating today tho cuz im not gonna be able to have the conversation i want until tmr at the earliest#was nice to call my friend yesterday tho i did complain a little but not abt anything that bad but they were still v sympathetic#which was rly nice of them 🥹#ive been having some difficult dreams these last couple days abt my mum for some reason. well i kind of know the reason why#like we're very similar ppl even if i cant talk to her abt everything in my life bc she would find it too upsetting#so i think my mind includes her in dreams bc shes like. the only person i feel true emotional solidarity with#like she experiences emotional dysregulation + rsd in the same way i do which has sucked for us both but just. we're not alone innit#anyway its ok just dreams its not real anyway#and climbing tonight YEAAAHHHH i just gotta make it thru today#itll all be okay one way or another. aight i need to clock in so i can use the work bathroom i gotta pee rl bad#.diaries#FUCKKKKK MY PERIOD JUST STARTED.....its late why does it have to come TODAY#please dont let the cramps be too bad so i can still climb later 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
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i do fr need to work on differentiating between "actually middleclass" and "doesnt live paycheck to paycheck" lmao bc that is something i struggle with... obviously ik i have more in common with like. even somebody whos fr middleclass disney vacations every year. I know i have more in common with them than i do with bezos but god at least i dont have to see bezos being annoying in front of me every day KJANDJKLNLJD
#bc its like this. i obviously have way more contempt for a billionaire. obviously. but ive never met an actual billionaire yfm. and i Have#met middleclass ppl and A lot not all but a lot. are so insufferable and ikkkk not all of them or whatever but like. i constantly got shit#for being poor from middle class kids and like. ik im supposed to be class solidarity with them bc were all poor when compared to a#billionaire but goddd fucking damn they make it difficult . ik its like well the upperclass Wants the lowerclass and middleclass to be at#eachothers throats bc it means they dont pay attention to the upperclass walking over the both of them. i knowwww. but i can multitask#major in hating rich people minor in hating the middleclass...#THIS ISNT RLY RELATEDFTO THE LAST POST AT ALL i just have a lot of like. complicated feelings abt classism basicallyy.#like. i wouldnt wish poverty on anybody it fucking sucks. but as a kid i did sometimes fantasize abt swapping lives with my classmates who#had more money than me Not even bc i wanted to live their life but just so they would like. see the apartments i lived in and see the room#i shared with both of my siblings (weeman didnt exist yet lmao) and just like. look in the fridge. bc i just rly wanted ppl to get it lol..#there was this one assignment that was like. wants vs needs and ppl kept putting needs as like. A big backyard. vacation once a year. my ow#personal bedroom etc and ik they were kids but it was like. insanely frustrating to have these kids who had like. never had to live without#Wants. yk. bc then i would just write down like. food. shelter. water. thats it lmao i even had clothes as a want instead of a need. and#they were making fun of me bc my list was so short and its like . look man i have gone without these three things on multiple occasions. yk#and now i try to be like. its good that there are ppl who have never experienced that i dont want ppl to have to experience that especially#like. that was in 4th grade lol. i was 9. i shouldnt have been worrying abt bills and stuff and none of my classmates knew anything abt tha#and thats a Good thing they shouldnt have. but theres this selfish part of me that wishes they did KANDJNS bc its so insanely isolating to#have ppl like. interrogating you abt why your shoes are so worndown or why your winter jacket is too small yk. and you cant say 'my family#cant afford better/new ones' bc they dont even understand what money is. yk. IDK. im just very sensitive abt these kinds of things KANDNW..#perhaps a bit too oversensitive at times but yk. im working on it and im working on not being spiteful abt it bc like. yes it was isolating#but it was a good thing that the kids didnt relate to it yk. kids shouldnt relate to that and i shouldnt have felt that way bc no kid shoul#im also Ik i bring it up constantly but im still so mad abt that time my friends heard me say Yeah i have to go to court against my dad nex#wednesday . and they didnt say anything and then one of them went Ughhh my dad wont buy me the newest iphone hes buying me the newest#samsung instead But i have an iphone app that i spent 50 dollars on that wont transfer !!!!!! and then she endedup getting the iphone#anyways. sry ikk its grudge and i need to let it go but im still peeved... brinn there are people that are dying .#and also now i know that like. a lot of the other kids in my class Did understand and were just like. posturing. yk. a few of those kids#were from the same neighborhood as me lmao i was just too autistic to realize we werent supposed to be honest 💀 but yes. sry for this like#manifesto i am just thinking out loud..... well not bc this is text famously a written form of communication but we all understand. anyways
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ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid
#mine#🎸#why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck#me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once#crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!!#i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either.#bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating#me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know#ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions#why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why#im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate#me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we#be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou#maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and#my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant#we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts#my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know#i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good#the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!!#my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post#is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably#this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while#it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them
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I started with posting about my autistic experience on twitter, reading posts on there, and interacting with people there.
then twitter got unbearable, so I moved back here and made a new account and side blogs to mirror twitter and lurk in the tags.
i've noticed a difference between autism twitter and autism tumblr from the big algorithm-controlled posts I usually see:
autism twitter makes me feel like i'm not allowed to say autism disables me or causes problems in life
while autism tumblr makes me feel like i'm not allowed to feel positively about being autistic and can only see it as a struggling disability.
the contrast makes me dizzy 😵💫 it's like no one wants to see the perspective of other people when we are all different. each side wants their narrative to be the told one.
#autistic#actually autistic#autism#a little criticism for both. can we not do this 😭#twitter is always “dont use your autism as a disability/excuse for why you cant do a thing! it'll mean i wont be able to do the thing#anymore if they know i'm autistic!“ like when i asked if i can be exempt from jury duty because TALKING HARD. due to autistic#but on tumblr it's always “dont call autism a difference in brain. it's a disability and that's all it is because it ruins my life and is#so hard for me! stop trying to make it look like a positive thing!“#and like....both????? its both?! because it depends on the person and how they see it themself and how affects THEM. not you.#its both positive thing that makes me who i am and disability that makes many things difficult. it can be both 😭#let people describe whats best for them and dont speak for everyone!#linking this to twitter too because both sides gives me headaches lmao#lee rambles#i know people disabled by autism want their storoes told. i know people not as didabled by autism want their stories told#but we cant just do ONE and push only that narrarive. telling one doesnt discredit the other. both are equally important!!! learn to share!#help each other. dont disagree and post passive aggressive posts about each other on social medias. ugh.#i feel like im stuck between where i see it positivly while it disrupts parts of my life at the same time so i dont fit anywhere#people tell me “if you want friends then be friends with other autistics” but i dont even fit in with “my people” sometimes#if anyone else noticed or feels like this then *internet ghost hug* belonging ks difficult :(
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#as time goes on its getting more and more difficult to ignore how much i fucking despise it here#i made it thru summer but that changes nothing in how i feel about this place#i feel so out of place in every single way#i've never once felt like i belonged#and its only worse when i interact with others from here#i try to pretend like im okay but sometimes its hard and i feel bad about letting my feelings known#i only feel comfortable when i shut myself off from the world inside my apartment with my love#but its not like i want to stay inside all the time i just hate outside here#anytime i leave to visit family or go on vacation i never want to return (except only to my things and my pets)#moving out of here will be the happiest day of my life i swear#but it feels like thats never going to happen atp not bc we've given up but because time is just fucking dragging and nothings happening ye#atp my hometown sounds a thousand times more appealing than here and i dont even love it#who the fuck even likes living in the desert? its devoid of most life for a reason#if trees cant thrive then why would humans want to here.#fuck this place
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do you think my characters hate me for loving them and hateing them and putting them thru it?
#i wrote this and immediately thought#its not that serious go to sleep#but i noticed i have a kinda insert in a couple of my stories and the thought came to me#im like god in those stories but i hate having me in stories so i dont name them after me but deep down i know they are me#its werid. all of my ocs are me or someone i feel like i would like#like tobi i love that dude#idk im gonna sleep#this always happens when i go outside and then am forced to part with large sums of money because life#“im gonna go on my stupid walk for my stupid health”#“sure love that. btw you have to pay this btw. give me ur money. ur not using it right? promise i wont take it all”#*takes it all*#its so fucked too because i end up spending more because im so fuck it done#“i only have 24 dollars and 37 cents for the rest of the week even tho i got paid literally yesterday...i have to make it last...”#“whatever if i die i die im just gonna spend it on lunch idc anymore”#and lunch is like. chiken tenders. because i wanted hot food. and it sucks because i cant like. ask ppl for money.#because im sure there are ppl who need it more than someone who cant budget. i think they think i make more than i actually make.#i think thats why they keep taling so much. they dont account for taxes that get taken out because. i cant count. i will not lie. but i sai#i told them i get paid an amount hourly. and i timed that by the 40 not including what gets taken out. and then i#counted how much they keep taking from me and if i dont get taxes taken i would have a whole 100 extra to my name!#idk it would be awkward and difficult if i aired my grievance to them because then we wouldn't have a place to sleep anymore. or whatever h#whatever house we're supposedly saving for.#idk i dont procces my emotions deeply and im tired of sleeping in a hotel but its our cheapest option right now.#its better than staying in that house with the lights and water cut off because it was too expensive#idk. its not bad tho. i can get to work. i can take a bath. everyones crammed in one room but theres internet. i can go on my phone#lisyen to music or something. im sure i#thankfully. i dont want for things. so im not like ordering clothes and stuff we dont have room for. i just have a bed. which is nice.#oh no it turned into a vent
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Every day is a struggle to not fall back into the same self-harming coping mechanisms that we left behind in high-school over increasingly small and stupid things.
#fae irl#suicidal ideation#self harm#self harm mention#venting in the tags#<- this user was doing dishes and one of the pots in the sink overflowed and then spilled dirty sink water all over the counter#and it was sincerely almost the final straw for them to do something stupid to themselves again#i am an adult i shouldnt be breaking down over stupid shit like this#but also#times are rough and its alright if you need a moment to recollect yourself after making a mistake#its not like my life is even that difficult so why cant I just be okay#its okay to not be okay and different people react to different situations in various ways and theres no shame in that#and on and on and on#i want to break something i want to set something on fire i want to scream and scream and scream and cry and throw shit and make a mess#i want to replace my heart with a stereo and blare the music so loud it rips my skin and scream everything inside of me raw#until its all gone and i feel better and my head is quiet again#and i want to rip myself open and watch myself bleed out or maybe just go to sleep and never wake up again#but i am an adult and id have to replace everything i break and i cant afford a noise complaint and id have to pick up any mess i make#and i wouldnt be able to afford the hospital bills if anything went wrong if i hurt myself again and i dont want to get admitted#to the ward again because it was horrible and made things worse and i cant afford it anyways#I just want to feel better already man
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venting in the tags yippeee
#damien.txt#gender talk time 🤪✌️#....................................................................................#screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan#uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that#soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated?#as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns#neither do i she/her. or they/them.#and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here#and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways#i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all.#but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me#as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc#and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait.#and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it#and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever#bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is.#and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like#hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow?#like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even.#and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it#is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too.#and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all.#but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it#and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck.#and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that#and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck#and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol#AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor#lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️
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#I panic whenever I think about myself recently#about adhd and autism and whatever... im rather sure im misdiagnosed or just somethings wrong because i feel no difference off or on meds#everythings always so hard. it never changes with meds or whatever.#is it weird that i always end up hungry? my stomach is really loud right now... i ate a normal amount today. why wouldnt it be enough?#im worried because if i dont have adhd#have i been misdiagnosed quite literally my whole life? and if i have#then whats /actually/ wrong with me?#i just want life to stop feeling like a chore. everything is way too difficult. i never have motivation. i lose interest in things easily.#like how i started pkmn#i just dont have any interest in playing it even though i want to#its so hard for anything to keep my interest. persona 5 was so surprising. i could never imagine spending 180 hours on a game again#i want to enjoy a game. i wanted to enjoy sdv. i never even got through an ingame year before playing felt more like a chore.#it shouldnt be like that... right..?#twst is happy. it feels like a chore sometimes to do lessons and battles but its mostly good.#Danganronpa and yttd are also good. they kept my attention. i hate that so many things cant keep my attention#i just get bored so easily and i hate ut#im like if floyd was as strong as idia and had azuls endurance and sucked at video games and wasnt even that smart. what are my talents?#do i have any? ....I don't remember#i have some things that are... unique. but talents? not..#no*#i was thinking earlier if i remembered any good memories with my family and honestly? no#im sure i have some good memories#but the bad outweighs the good and my memory is very poor#...theres probably a reason my memory is so bad. i dont want to think too hard about that#k vent#i almost hit tag limit anwjakw
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