#everythings always so hard. it never changes with meds or whatever.

[kirexa]

‎

[f1byjessie]

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS ━━ LN4.

sometimes the right words are hard to come across, and sometimes everything you need to say can be captured in an image.

( lando norris x photographer!reader )

━━ part one.

INSTAGRAM.

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tagged: landonorris

yourusername a smiley lando is the best lando in my books! to celebrate the end of the 2023 season, here's a handful of my favourite photos from throughout the year!

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mclaren What a happy lad! We can't wait to see that smile again in 2024 😁🧡

↳ yourusername you and me both! 🤝🧡

user she's got the dream job omg

↳ user IKR??? imagine just getting to follow lando around and take pictures of him all day, i'd be dead within the first hour

↳ user he'd smile at me and i'd be asking “what are we” on god 😩😩😩

↳ user is that literally all she does??? she just follows him around and takes pictures??

↳ user there’s probably a technical term for what her position is and i just don’t know it, but bc there’s so much going on around the track at any given moment, sometimes the press and other media workers are focused on something or someone else, so she’s hired on by mclaren to specifically focus on mclaren to make sure that there is content for mclaren or mclaren sponsors to use. she’s not just lando’s photographer, she also takes photos of oscar, the pit teams, and the other staff that work in the garage, but she was hired on when lando started so her portfolio is pretty full of him. hope this helps!

user didn't know i could need so much orange in my life but here we are

user LANDO NORRIS SUPREMACY

oscarpiastri i see who the favourite is 🫤

↳ yourusername you literally SAW me picking photos for your post too

↳ oscarpiastri yeah but you posted his first 🫤

user guys this is the face of the 2024 wdc winner take it in now

user i could write a 50 page thesis on the importance of these photos and what they mean to me and how the serotonin they make me release could replace my depression meds

user lad’s like a mini danny ric with how smiley he is

landonorris best photog right here folks

↳ yourusername you're only saying that bc i always get your good side

↳ landonorris i'll have you know that all sides are my good sides 🤨

↳ yourusername whatev helps you sleep at night luv 😊

In 2019, when you took on the job of being McLaren’s lead photographer, you hadn’t expected it would garner you the amount of attention it has, or that it would slingshot your career to levels of success you never could have anticipated, or that you would get a best friend out of it.

When you first met him back in those early days, you’d thought Lando Norris was an arrogant, pretentious, self-righteous prick who thought he was hot shit because he was a Formula One driver. However, he’d quickly proven you wrong when he’d admitted to you that a lot of the confidence was an act━ carefully constructed to hide his insecurities about his performance both on and off the track.

“I mean, we’re drivers, yeah?” He’d said. “But we’re also actors. We’ve got these personas that we have to uphold even out here on the paddock, and I’m always worried I’m not playing the part well enough.”

It hadn’t made a lot of sense to you then, you thought he was pulling off the persona of Total Douche remarkably well, but in Shanghai, things changed.

After the Chinese Grand Prix, things were dour. Lando had DNFed━ the first in his Formula One career━ which contrasted greatly with his previous accomplishment of P6 in Bahrain. Carlos Sainz hadn’t been doing very well, either, and it didn’t paint a very pretty picture for McLaren so early in the season. You’d thought he’d throw a hissy fit, tear Daniil Kvyat apart for his role in the crash, or at the very least throw some shade his way, but he hadn’t done any of that. He’d accepted his fate with grace, joked to the media about how boring the race had been because of what had happened, and then gone on to congratulate Carlos for at least finishing.

What was even more shocking, was that despite his disappointment and the frustration he must’ve been feeling, instead of going back to sulk in his lonesomeness or drown out his feelings with booze and loud music at some club, he’d comforted you later that evening.

The morning of the race, as you’d been getting ready in your hotel room, you’d gotten a text from an unsaved number admitting to you that they’d been taking part in a months-long affair with your boyfriend but had been previously unaware that he was already taken and therefore wanted to let you know to clear their conscience. You’d managed to hold yourself together then━ mostly because you’d already done your makeup and, quite frankly, didn’t have the time to sob it all off and then attempt to salvage it━ but as the day drew to a close and the adrenaline of the race and its excitement wore off, and with nothing else to keep you distracted, you were struggling to keep yourself composed.

Lando had somehow noticed in that weirdly perceptive way of his that something was off, and he’d sat with you, asked what was wrong, and listened when you━ through tears━ explained the situation to him.

“He sounds like a total fucking muppet,” he’d commented after you’d said your piece, and he’d done it with such a deadpanned expression that it had startled a genuine laugh out of you. Because yeah, you’re (now ex) boyfriend had been a muppet.

After that━ and after all the rom-com and ice cream binging you’d both done in his hotel room afterward much to the chagrin of Lando’s nutritionist and the displeasure of his PR officer━ you’d rescinded your initial judgment of him. He was significantly less dickish than you’d originally thought, and it let you finally understand what he’d meant when he’d talked about putting on a persona.

The cocky, know-it-all prick that Lando pretended to be half the time was all just an act to hide his overly self-critical nature fueled by his insecurities.

By the end of the season, he’d gained a little confidence of his own and had subsequently toned down the assholery when he no longer needed to “fake it til he makes it,” and you were calling him your friend.

It’s 2023 now, and he’s since been upgraded to best friend status━ a role he takes very seriously, and constantly reminds you of.

“I’m your best friend━” case and point, “━you have to come to Bali with me. Literally, like, what am I gonna do without you there? Do you expect me to just go by myself? What if I get lost? Or what if somehow the mafia, who have unknowingly had a hit out on me for years, track me down there and I’m kidnapped and ransomed off for billions of dollars? What will you do then?”

“You just want me to take pictures of you,” you answer, rolling your eyes only because you know he can’t see you through the phone.

He gasps in mock offense. “I cannot believe you think I value you so little! I want you to take pictures of me and be here to help me make fun of awkward tourist spray tans so I don’t feel like a total asshole for being the only one who laughs.”

You laugh at that. “Well, unfortunately laughing at bad fake tans doesn’t pay the bills.”

“But taking pictures of me does.”

“Yeah, when McLaren is paying.” You turn back to your laptop, a photo put on pause mid-edit splayed across the screen. It’s of Lando, as most of your photos tend to be despite your attempts at keeping things even between the McLaren boys. It’s the last of the images you need to send over for their 2023 sendoff, and when it’s finished you’ll officially be without work for a painstaking two months. “I’m on break too, technically, until they need promotional shit for the new season.”

He huffs, and you can almost imagine the childish pout on his face. “What are you even doing, then?”

You hesitate, not because you don’t want Lando to know about your winter plans, but because you don’t really know how he’ll react, which means it could be anything between genuine happiness for you and congratulations, or abject horror and feigned screams of anguish. He’s always been dramatic like that, but even more so now that he’s comfortable enough with you and himself to have crawled a decent way out of his shell.

Even still, he’s your best friend and it would make you a pretty shitty person if you didn’t tell him.

“Believe it or not,” you start, wringing your hands together, “but Manchester City actually hit me up with an inquiry. Asked if I’d be interested in working with them on a project documenting their training throughout the winter months. I said I would love to.”

He pauses for a good long moment, and you prepare for the screaming, but all he says is━ “Man City? You traitor. I thought Man United was our forever!”

“Be so fucking real right now, Lando Norris,” you answer, laughing as you do so. You’re relieved, at least he hasn’t gone the feigned anguish route, but you also can’t tell if he’s happy for you or hiding his true feelings behind humor like he’s prone to doing. “You know damn well you only watched them for Christiano Ronaldo and he hasn’t played with United since 2009.”

“Technically he played for them in the 2021-2022 season,” he grumbles.

“Yeah,” you deadpan, “and he was dogshit. We both agreed to pretend it never happened.”

He groans, “I can’t believe this. My day is ruined and my disappointment is immeasurable.”

“Oh, get over yourself. It’s only for the winter. I’ll be back in McLaren Papaya by February when they need me snapping shots of you and Oscar next to the new livery,” you promise.

The reality is that it’ll probably be sooner. McLaren has always been good about getting you back at HQ pretty quickly, either to get some snapshots of the beginning of Lando and Oscar’s pre-season return or to just capture some material of the engineers at work to promote their readiness. You understand why they can’t keep you around all year━ no Lando and no Oscar means no you━ and with the sheer amount of content you capture and edit for them throughout the season, they’ve got enough to last them the handful of weeks you aren’t working.

Unfortunately, you aren’t working with a driver’s salary to keep you sustained over the break and rent certainly hasn’t been getting cheaper. In past years, your bank account has been chirping with crickets when you’ve returned to work after the winter, and that was before your landlord had decided to make your life a living hell.

You have an important job, but it’s by far the most important, and sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Working in sports media taught you that early on.

“Who knows?” Lando’s voice snaps you back. “Maybe Jack Grealish with his perfect hair and perfect calves will steal you away and you’ll be in sky blue forevermore.”

You laugh, “Jack Grealish is a happily taken man, and although he does have perfect hair and perfect calves, I’m more of a Haaland girl anyway.”

He guffaws. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You’re so far gone that you already have a preferred player. Jack Grealish is England’s poster boy! Everyone loves him whether they like City or not!” He heaves a dramatic sigh. “Christ, I can already feel you slipping through my fingers. I give it a week over there at Etihad before you call me up telling me I can find a new best friend because you’ve replaced me with Phil Foden and Julian Alvarez.”

“For someone who supposedly hates Manchester City, you’re certainly well-versed in their roster.”

“Well duh, I need to know my competition,” he says, like it’s obvious.

“Ah, yes,” you snark back sarcastically. “Because you, a Formula One driver, have to be worried about the football players of Manchester City.”

“Apparently I do if you’re calling yourself a Haaland girl now!”

You burst into cackles and he’s following shortly after with chuckles of his own that eventually peter out into a comfortable silence. You are really going to miss him for the few months you aren’t working with him.

The Formula One schedule is so jam-packed across the season that it typically means you’re getting to see him every day for an hour or two at least, if not for the entirety of the time he’s at the track. You follow him and Oscar to their sponsor obligations, their interviews, and everything in between. It’s honestly rare if you’re not getting a moment to goof off and dick around with one another━ and it’s even rarer for you to not actually see one another face to face in passing at the very least.

The off-season is your least favorite time of the year for this very reason, and though it makes you feel a bit full of yourself to think so, you imagine Lando doesn’t enjoy this time of year much either for the same reason.

“I promise I won’t replace you with any of the City boys,” you say after the silence has stretched on a moment longer.

He huffs again, but you can envision the smile tugging at his lips. “I suppose even if you do, I’ll just show up to a match and steal you away again.”

“As if. Have you seen Grealish’s calves?”

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footballfansofficial BREAKING: Manchester City Forward Garrett Ward caught with mysterious woman revealed to be well-known Formula One photographer Y/N L/N! The two were seen sharing a romantic evening on Friday, the 5th of January, ringing in a passionate start to 2024. Garrett Ward has been with Manchester City since 2021 but was out on loan to a lesser-known Championship League team until 2023. He has just recently begun to play for his team again, but an injury early into the season has seen him benched for a majority of his time back. Y/N L/N is a photographer for Formula One racing team McLaren and has been working with them since 2019. Recently, she has been working with Manchester City to help promote a new docuseries following the men’s team’s winter training. Check the link in our bio for the full article!

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user OMG GARRETT WARD??? NOTORIOUS BACHELOR GARRETT WARD???

user who is she? like genuinely how is she relevant 🤔

↳ user no literally cuz like who even gives two shits about formula 1?

user girl works in f1 why can’t she stay there

↳ user i’m sure there are plenty of drivers who’d smash her idk why she needs to try and get footballers too like bffr 😒😒😒

user aint no way this bitch is kissing my man rn

user literally what does he even see in her??? she’s not even cute AND she’s wearing man united colors 💀💀

user Y/N L/N??? I THOUGHT SHE WAS WITH LANDO NORRIS???

↳ user LITERALLY ME TOO?? like she posts him all the time on insta so i just kinda thought they were an item or smth?? trouble in paradise maybe

user she’s fucking ugly wtf

user i wish these footballers who get with regular women would realize there are so many better girls out there that would ACTUALLY treat them well and would support them in their careers. like i bet this girl doesn’t even know anything about football. she works in f1 and that’s where she should stay bc nobody cares about that shit round here. she probably doesn’t even know the first thing about how football works, but i bet she’ll be at matches pretending like she knows what’s happening. garrett ward is gonna flush his career down the troilet for this chick bc she’s gonna convince him his busy schedule ain’t worth it and then city will be down a great forward for good, and it’ll all be her fault

user i mean she’s kinda pretty tbf

↳ user stfu she really isn’t

↳ user she gen looks like any random bitch off the street

user these comments are not it…. 😬

↳ user maybe you f1 fans just don’t know how to handle constructive criticism

↳ user is the constructive criticism in the room with us rn?? cuz all i’m seeing is bullying and hatred directed towards an innocent woman who’s only “crime” was going on a date

user ok so she can take photos?? 🙄🙄 maybe she should get a real job

↳ user she’s probably only with him so she can mooch off of him like a fucking gold digger

user AINT NO WAYYYYYY

user it’ll last a month max 😌 i’m calling it

user ayo lando come get your girl

━━ tags: @maih23 @urfavnoirette

━━ a/n: here we have it! took me a bit longer than the start of american smile did, but lando's story is officially here! (and it's a whopping 2.9k words to start us off). first and foremost, before we get started, garrett ward is 100% an oc and obviously does not play for manchester city, and this is bc i would feel absolutely horrible portraying a real person in the way that garrett will be later on. gather from that what you will haha! regardless, i hope you enjoy this first part and stick around for the rest!

[stararch4ngelqueen]

OR OR OR OR

soft!jason with reader with a chronic pain flare up??? (NOT self indulgent... 0vo)

Hopefully this puts a smile on your face!

—

Time written - 12:20 a.m

—

It would be a huge lie if Jason didn’t agree to the question of him going into huge research over your chronic pain. Stacks of books tucked neatly into shelves, each page worn and weathered with annotations filling each page. Multiple corners creased with neon tabs to note striking information.

Both his Google and Bing history littered with bookmarked tabs on how to deal with the pain on the heaviest of days, and how to cope when the unintentional inevitable happens.

For a man known for brawn first before brain, said in confidence via the eldest Wayne brother, Jason’s way of showing you love was acts of loving service. Whatever he could possibly do to make these flare ups just a bit more bearable.

How he’d know you were suffering first thing in the morning was your complete lack of movement. You always clung to him in some sort of way in your sleep, but raising your wrist in a desperate attempt to cover your trembling shoulders with a blanket seemed impossible. So a warm, soothing hand was more than happy to do it for you.

Jason would pepper your neck in kisses after murmuring a soft morning, then asking you a simple question: “One through ten, sweetheart?”

To him, anything higher than a three meant immediate care and aid.

Vitamins were first before breakfast, only being out of bed and out of sight long enough for him to prepare something easy for you to eat. Last thing you needed was an upset tummy due to taking pain meds on an empty stomach.

He’d become your personal heater for the next few hours, helping you change into one of your favorite shirts from his wardrobe before securely spooning you in bed, or on the couch. Arms gently cradling along your waist, fingers inches away from a heating pad’s settings along your most agonizing spots.

Whatever you wanted or needed, Jason wouldn’t mind to get:

Pain medication at the doctor’s specified dosage hour? Right after a small snack.

Heating pad not hot enough? Jason will guide his palm along the pad to gently press it onto the aching area, making sure it reached every desired nerve and muscle.

Everything tolerable enough to eat food without feeling like you’ll get sick from the pain? Jason has no issue in preparing or ordering in something he knows you’ll enjoy. He will, however, limit how much you eat. Just in case you get sick.

It’s a little challenging at times for Jason to carry you during the worst of it, as the slightest bend in your afflicted limbs can make it worse. Though sometimes, you despised laying so still for so incredibly long, feeling like a withered leaf in the sheets. Jason never pushed you, and while he wasn’t a fan of you pushing yourself, if you pushed that hard just to get a damn bath, he just had to comply.

“Just a little more,” Jason guides you with loving encouragement, allowing you to grasp along his forearms as tightly as you needed. You were haunched over, unable to fully stand at the expense of searing hot knives jamming deep into your gut, into various joints, and you couldn’t do a thing to make it go away.

“You wanna go back to bed?” Jason questions, concern spilling throughout his soft tone. You only muster the courage to shake your head before dragging your foot against the cold floor, determined to chase the promise of hot water in a confined space.

He sighs before gently reinforcing his hold on you. “Alright. Come on. My little babushka is so close to the door.”

Of course he’d make a joke here and there. Whatever it took to stoke the embers of amusement in your body.

The success of reaching the bathroom came at a cost; an agonizing cost.

An overwhelming mix of pure relief and heavy regret resorted you to tears the moment you catch a break, sitting down on a closed toilet while Jason filled the tub with hot water.

“What’s the matter, baby?” Jason cradled your hands in his, fingers damp after doing a temperature check. “You made it. It’s almost full, an’ it’s gonna feel incredible.”

“It hurts,” you freely sob, tears rippling down your flushed cheeks. “I can’t, Jason. It hurts so much.”

I can’t take it. That’s what you meant to say, that’s what Jason understands as he gazed upon you with heavily sympathetic eyes.

“I know baby, I know.” Jason cooes, rubbing his thumb along the back of your thumb before lowering his head, pressing a kiss onto your cradled hands. “But you did so good today. You toughed through it, I’m so proud of you.”

Not an hour would go by where Jason wouldn’t leave you alone, letting you rely on him for anything you needed. Which also meant he’d be your shoulder to lean on inside a scalding hot bath.

“I’d imagine this must be what lobsters would feel like,” Jason chuckles from behind you, letting your tender body settle back against his chest, your shoulders nearly submerged in warm, CBD infused bath salt waters.

“Think I’ll turn red like one after this?” Jason keeps the conversation going as his hands work along the areas of your body that needed the most attention. Your upper shoulders, your abdomen, your knees and ankles, along your outer thighs. Wherever he could, he’d work on with careful and gentle hands, watching your face contort as his efforts work to ease the debilitating tension.

After an evening of such treatments, another task Jason found the most … satisfying to help you with was skincare. You’d sit on the toilet again, dressed in fresh clothes which consisted of another borrowed shirt of his, skin moisturized with towel dried hair.

Your body felt more settled than before, allowing you to keep food down better and sit up a little more properly, with less of a slouch. Your eyes remained closed, a tickle of a smile growing on your lips as your boyfriend’s calloused fingers massaged calendula cream over your cheeks.

“What?” Jason spoke up, forming a smile of his own. “What’s with that look, pretty girl?”

“Nothing,” you say. You could’ve brought up how you joke about men and their fourteen in one products, but pure sentimentality got in the way of any attempt at humor.

“Uhuh,” Jason responds, gently tilting your head up with a finger under your chin. “Did I miss a step in your complex routine?”

“No. Just really appreciate you.”

Jason’s heart melts, the blooming fire bringing a warmth to his smile. He’s just doing his job is all. It’s the least he could do for the one that reassures him that he’s striving towards being a better person. A better man, one you deserve.

“Making me blush, princess.” Jason sets all your products back where they belong and begins the process of bringing you back to bed.

You woke up in this bed in total agony, only to sink back into its soft, cozy sheets and tear dried pillows in better shape than before. The pain wasn’t completely gone, it never fully would be, the stark reminder of your personal heater trailing little circles along your thighs as you slept would always try his attempt to say otherwise.

Vigilance never really dies, signified by every kiss laid across your forehead.

[meandhisjohn]

News from a crazy mind...

Sherlock, mental health and the support from a fandom.

When Sherlock becomes what the doctor ordered....

100 days lie between those moments.

100 days since I wanted to die.

100 days since I emailed Dignitas.

100 days full of struggle and hope.

100 days later I made it out of hell again.

A handful of people who showed me unconditional love during the hardest setback of my disorder career.

I will love them till the day I die.

And once again the Sherlock world saved my soul before I destroyed it myself.

A fandom full of kindness and support and a detective and a doctor who saved me in more ways than they can ever imagine.

Had a doctors appointment on Friday and I have one hell of a doctor.

Not as good as John Watson but highly supportive of anything that increases my strength.

We talked about a little miracle.

A miracle that sounds so incredibly stupid but it is such a huge thing.

For the past five years I have to take besides my regular medication in mornings and in the evenings a little extra cocktail of meds in the afternoon to keep my extreme nervousness in check.

I'm nervous and tense 24/7 and it takes a toll on my body sometimes.

It makes it very hard to sleep and to find a way to sit still.

So the extra meds are necessary..

Ten days ago I started to listen to Podfics and quickly discovered a new way to enjoy the Sherlock universe.

I'm 43 years old and retired since I was 39 because my body couldn't take the stress anymore.

I have some free times during the day and I made it a habit for the past ten days to listen to Podfics in the afternoon and again at night.

And suddenly I could sleep and, and here comes the miracle..

I forgot to take my afternoon meds.

Even more my body relaxed in a way I haven't experienced in decades.

My body was obviously as surprised as I am because since a few days I have to drink a coffee in the afternoon, otherwise I would fall asleep.

I can only drink coffee without caffeine which tastes awful but otherwise my nervousness goes through the roof and I shake like a leaf.

But now instead of taking an extra dose of anxiety relief pills I take a real good old black coffee full of caffeine after listening to Podfics.

And that sounds incredibly ridiculous but for me it is a miracle because for the first time in over 15 years I feel calm and not because of a chemical reaction but because of a human reaction.

I know @totallysilvergirl had no idea what would happen by telling me about Podfics but I will never forget it!

Back to my incredible doctor who saw the change from a person who was determined to end this endless circle of depression and anxiety to a person who smiles again.

Now he ordered a six months try of daily Podfics ( no joke) to see if my blood levels improves and accordingly my medication can be reduced.

He knows that in the past three years my disorder was always better during my Sherlock highs so he is actually happy about the new development.

Long story short ( too late I know)

Do whatever feels right for you!

Invent your own therapy!

Do what makes you happy no matter how unconventional it might be.

Because you matter!!!!

I attach you my new and exciting Podfic collection for you.

Maybe you will find something you like.

Of course everything is available in Reading form as well.

Be happy in your own, weird, wonderful way.

@keirgreeneyes @discordantwords @a-victorian-girl @bewitched-bullet @lisbeth-kk @whatnext2020 @inevitably-johnlocked @barachiki @babaybo @jobooksncoffee @rey-jake-therapist @missdeliadili @helloliriels @podfixx @johnlocky @johnlockpodficclub @johnlockficclub @peanitbear @strawberrywinter4 @chocolate1elise @kettykika78

[deathbxnny]

oh, hmm, hi !! (＠＾◡＾) it's my first time asking for a request so i'm not sure how to do it right + english isn't my first language so ...haha, i'm sorry if there's some mistakes in my request !

can you do some hsr characters (dhjfjsksks but could you include sampo pls) with a doctor s/o? and s/o is like. a very caring and nice person who worries about their loved ones deeply! maybe a bit motherly, even. so yeah, doctor s/o with a soft, gentle and caring personality it is! (´▽`)

oh gosh i'm so worried i've made some spelling mistakes or something ...but i suppose i made my request at least understandable, haha !! have a good day and don't forget to stay hydrated, take your meds if it's needed !! meoww ♡ ～('▽^人)

-----♡

A/N: Hello, thank you so much for this super cute request! Your English is just fine and I understood everything perfectly, so please don't worry! Thank you, for your kind reminders too! I hope, that I was able to do this well!<33

Featured characters: Sampo, Gepard, Blade

Content: Established relationship, mentions of injuries or sickness, doctor reader, fluff sfw

Reader has no set pronouns!

((Not fully proofread, so excuse me for any mistakes!))

-----♡

》Sampo Koski

He at first never went to you, whenever he got injured or sick. It was unclear, whether it was out of fear of disappointing you or him not wanting to be a burden. But he just never visited you for his issues. In fact, he attempted to hide his injuries from you at first, until you gently coaxed him into your arms for a check up.

The way you treated him so gently and kindly during your treatments, made him change his mind on hiding his injuries or sickness ever again. You were so soft with him, always reassuring him that everything will be alright and that you'll always take good care of him. It made him finally let his guard down and be vulnerable with you. Just you.

He'll maybe even let himself get injured on purpose, just so you can take care of him again. You always gently scold him for not being careful enough, but all he'll respond with is a dreamy grin.

You're also the only doctor he ever goes to after that, just because he loves you taking care of him so much. Besides, he gets to also visit and see you during it too, so it's a great way to spend time with you.

----♡

》Gepard Landau

He immideatly goes to you, whenever he returns from the front lines, injured or not. He knows he can count on you taking care of whatever problems he has and comfort him after his long, hard work days.

Loves watching you whilst you treat him too, his heart warming at the sight of you worrying and doting on him. It makes him feel at peace and relaxed. Even if you scold him for not taking better care of himself out there. But he knows you understand him better than anyone else ever could, so he takes your scoldings to heart.

He hates worrying you and therefore makes sure to be much more precise and careful on the frontlines. He noticed, that it helped him out in his work as captain too with his soldiers.

Gepard is grateful for all the hard work you do and thanks you everyday for it. You may think, that there is no need for him to do so, but he believes that it's the bare minimum he can say for all the love you've given him.

-----♡

》Blade

You practically have to gently scold him everyday for the amount of injuries he gets, but it's ofcourse because you care for and love him so much. He usually waves your concerns off and let's you bandage him up with stubborn words, but he also secretly feels warm inside at your gentle affection.

You're the only doctor, or person for that matter, that he trust enough to help him. He wouldn't let anyone but you touch him and he'd rather suffer from his injuries, until he gets to you. You scold him for this too, but he doesn't care. If it's not you taking care of him, then he'd rather die.

He however also was too stubborn to come to you at first. He didn't want to appear weak and certainly not vulnerable. His pride and ego didn't allow him to go to you, even with his worst injuries. Until one day, you were so worried for him, that you cried.

He definitely went to you everytime after that, not wanting to upset you ever again in that way. While he will still grumpily complain that he's fine, seeing you smile in relief that he came to you, makes it all worth it.

-----♡

A/N: I hope this was okay! Thank you again for the cute request!<33

[babiebom]

When You Fall (vii)

A/N: sorry for not updating this in a while it’s hard for me to get the inspiration to put my thoughts on the page y’know? It’s like whatever I write won’t be as good as it is in my head. At this point this is like a once a month upload and I feel like that’s too slow :(

Tw:talks of depression, talks of medications, guilt. Lmk if there’s more I should tag

Wc:0.9k

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Finally home again, you tense up as soon as you shut the door behind you. It was different, depression when you’re surrounded by distractions and depression when you’re alone. The creaking of the house filled you with loneliness. When you were little it was always your grandparents inside, the house warm and smelling of food and baked goods. Then it was just your grandfather, the house still warm but no longer smelling good. Now it’s just you, with a house that was only warm because it was springtime and the sun was warming everything it touched.

Tears start to prick your eyes and you wonder when your medication would be making its appearance. It was only recently that your emotions started to overwhelm you, the reason clear as day and you hated the fact that you couldn’t bounce back like you usually did. It wasn’t the first time someone in your family had died, nor will it be the last but it wasn’t like when your grandmother died when you were young, you were able to get over it then, this time you weren’t able to process and get over it at all. Processing hadn’t even started, it’s just been an immediate descent into an endless black hole.

Guilt almost overcomes you as doubts start making their way into your mind. You wanted to believe Harvey would never prescribe you anything horrible, you wanted to believe that things were going to get better once you had your medicine, but it was hard to not hear things about taking meds for mental health; all the side effects and body changes that people go through. The chance that the medicine can make things worse, the chance that the medicine can make you feel nothing at all. It was scary, and something that you hadn’t experienced up until this point. Harvey was great with prescribing you the meds, but in the back of your mind the want to flush them as soon as you get them tries to get your attention and make itself seem like a good idea.

Well, at least you can work on your farm or something while you have time. You rested all day yesterday, today can be dedicated to bettering your land. Putting on your work clothes, you move to open the door. Honestly maybe you should start looking out the window or a peep hole or something because having to stifle a scream when you see Marnie’s face is embarrassing.

“Marnie!” You try to act like she didn’t just jumpscare you into next year. “It’s nice to see you this morning!” You had only met the woman once like a week ago, and seeing her on your doorstep was kind of weird. Behind her was a huge fluffy dog who was wagging its tail, staring up at you with the sweetest eyes you’ve ever seen; and in her arms an orange cat who seemed all too happy to be getting pets and being held.

“Hello Y/N! You see these animals here? I found them sitting together outside the entrance to your farm! I think they might be strays…poor little things.”

You nod and stare at her, what was the point of all this? If she thought they were strays why is she here talking about them? It has to be obvious out of everyone in the town you’d know the least about who owns them. Though, they were extremely cute…

The dog plops down on the front porch, it’s tail still wagging as it stares up at you. Now that you think about it, there’s an old dog house somewhere in the property, your grandfather had a dog before, so maybe you could ask if you could keep it, maybe the cat too. It would be better than being alone all day. Marnie waits a beat before speaking again, staring at the dog fondly.

“I think they like this place! Hey, um…don’t you think this farm could use some animals?”

Like your prayers were answered you smile at her, “yeah, sure. I can keep them! Farm is big and empty anyways…”

She hands the orange cat to you and steps back. “Do you have a name for either of them?” You nod immediately, knowing exactly what you wanted to name them it was so easy.

“Mango and Shadow.” You say with confidence. The cat was orange, and fruit themed names were always cute, and the dog, while brown, already seemed as if it was going to follow you around all day like a fluffy shadow anyways.

“Well, you both be good, now…okay?” Marnie seemed a little sad as if she wanted to keep them, she probably had no room for them with all of her animals. She leaves down the path back towards her own place.

Excitedly, you hurry and set the cat down grabbing your watering can and other farming supplies. Now that you had company, doing work and being home wasn’t so daunting. Shadow immediately follows after you, her tail wagging so quickly you could feel the air from it. Mango watched from the porch, lying on the stairs. They were both going to be inside with you, that’s for sure, but now you needed to fix the dog house, and buy animal supplies. Your new fur babies needed to immediately be spoiled (and cleaned), and you had absolutely nothing prepared for them.

Life has to get better from now on, right? Now you have two pets to take care of…now you have reasons to want to get better. Hopefully it makes the path to recovery easier.

[torreshalstead]

It Seemed Like a Good Idea - Chapter 19

Summary - Hailey’s US visa was due to expire, which normally wouldn’t be an issue as the CPD would get it renewed but due to a backlog of paperwork, this wasn’t possible. This meant Hailey was faced with the real possibility of having to leave the country, her job and everything she held dear. That was until Jay offered up a solution which would allow her to stay in Chicago, in Intelligence, with him - they could get married. Getting married was a good idea, right?

Chapters - 19/21

Chapter Title - The Confession

Notes - it’s been a long time coming but it’s finally time! Hope you all enjoy! AO3 Link

Will hung up the phone with a disgruntled huff. How could his brother be so stupid? He had never seen Jay happier than he had been since Hailey and he had tied the knot. Will knew that originally the marriage hadn’t come about because of a burning sense of true love, but he had also known from the start that his brother's feelings for his partner were more than just friendship. And over the past few months, he had seen Hailey’s feelings change too, even before her slightly botched confession to him in this very break room.

And now two people he cared about were about to make a huge mistake. If they got divorced now it would cause irreparable damage to their relationship, friendship even their partnership and Will wasn’t sure they would ever be able to walk it back from there.

His mother had always told him not to interfere in Jay’s romantic life, that he could stand up for him in a fight or when someone was picking on him, but matters of the heart were something he would have to deal with alone. That conversation had occurred when Will had considered asking Mary Sue to prom on behalf of Jay, he knew he had the biggest crush on the girl but was too chicken to ask her himself. But his smarter than most mother had said how would it look to a girl if his big brother had to get in the middle - the answer was not good. So Will had taken a step back and someone else had asked Mary Sue to prom.

But this was different, Jay couldn’t see what was right in front of his face. And he had told him he was in love with Hailey.

This wasn’t an unrequited teenage crush, this was two people who loved each other who were too self sacrificing or self deprecating to realise that the person they loved could possibly love them back. Or maybe they were both too stubborn. Whatever the reason, he had the power to do something about it and to hell if he was going to let his idiot brother make another idiot mistake and lose the best thing in his life.

He pulled out his phone and made two phone calls and hoped his mother would forgive him for interfering for what would hopefully be the final time.

——————————————————————————

Hailey barrelled into Med with speed for the second time that day, at this point they might as well make her a frequent visitor badge and she could earn a gold star for every visit - 10th visit is free.

Will had called her to say that the doctors had taken another look at Jay’s notes and test results and that the CT was needed after all, she had known it but that hard headed doctor, Doctor Sosa, hadn’t listened to a word she was saying. Will had said he had called Jay directly and he was coming in straight from the apartment so Hailey had abandoned the takeout salads she was putting together in the grocery store and legged it to her car.

Will hadn’t sounded too worried over the phone but needing a CT was never a good thing so she had dropped it all and made Med her new destination. Luckily Will had told her the exact room so she hadn’t needed to bother one of the ED nurses with her panicked wife/partner routine again and was currently bounding up the stairs two at a time as the elevator had taken more than two seconds to arrive and Hailey’s patience was at the end of its tether.

—————————————————————————

Unfinished paperwork, that was what Will had told him. Jay had tried to call bullshit but Will explained that without it he wasn’t being signed off as clear to return to work and Jay was damned if he was being stuck on desk duty any longer than he needed to be. He thought about shooting Hailey a text to let her know where he had gone but figured he’d be gone a maximum of 15 minutes and if she was worried she could give him a call. As per their last interaction Jay wasn’t certain she wanted to speak to him anyway. And he wasn’t sure he could blame her.

He as good as told her he didn’t want to be married to her anymore and then proceeded to get hurt at work and clearly scare the living daylights out of her if the way she had thrown herself at him at the hospital had been any indication. And then there was the fact that he was more in love with her than he thought was humanly possible. Talk about mixed signals.

Jay stomped his way through the hospital, searching for the room that Will had told him he would meet him in to complete the remaining paperwork. If he had thought it was unusual for Will to be handling the paperwork or that he would ask him to come to a patient room to complete it, Jay didn’t show it. He was more concerned with getting this done and getting back to the apartment before Hailey had a chance to worry. He had caused her enough worry.

Finding the door in question, he tugged it open.

‘Alright Will, let’s get this sorted,’ he said before coming to a halt when his eyes had a chance to focus. Will wasn’t alone in the room. Hailey was sat on a chair by the empty bed, her eyes filled with concern that phased to a hint of confusion at his arrival. Jay turned quickly to look at Will who had moved behind him to sneakily take a hold of the door handle and was pulling it closed with him on the otherwise.

‘I’m going to leave you both in here until you can discuss it like adults, okay?’ He said, a tiny smirk appearing on his freckled cheeks.

‘Discuss what?’ Jay said, confused.

‘How madly in love with each other you both are and how equally stubborn you are in refusing to admit it,’ Will said firmly and closed the door behind him. Jay heard the lock twist and moved forward to grab the door handle himself, rattling it and yanking it to no avail. The bastard had locked them in.

‘That bastard,’ Jay huffed, giving the door one final heave even though he knew it was useles at this point.

‘Why did you agree to marry me?’ He heard quietly from behind him. Jay let his head fall against the locked door with a thud. He should have known this was coming. It was clearly Will’s plan and after spilling his guts to him the previous night and his tone on the phone when he said he had got the divorce papers, Jay should have known he would pull something like this.

‘Why did you agree to marry me?’ Hailey asked again tentatively when Jay failed to turn around. He took a deep breath, tried to ignore how shaky it was and slowly turned to look at her. She was standing now, just in front of the plastic chair a couple of feet in front of him, the room was single occupancy so wasn’t large, he could be breathing the same air as her if he took just three steps forward.

‘Because,’ Jay said before swallowing and running a hand through his hair. Was he really about to tell her, tell her that he loved her, had loved her for months, for longer than he had known and that the thought of her leaving the country was not something he was willing to comprehend? He looked at her, at the shimmer of tears in her eyes, her golden hair flowing down over her shoulder, begging to have his hands run through it. She looked ethereal. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and he knew in his heart he would ever see. And she looked hopeful? Like she wanted Will’s words to be true. Like she wanted him to open up to her and to confess his love.

‘Because I love you,’ Jay said with small chuckle he couldn’t control. His love wasn’t funny but the situation they had ended up in was. He saw her lips turn up into a smile, her hands stopped twisting around each other in nervousness and he let himself take a step towards her.

‘I’m not laughing because loving you is funny,’ Jay clarified with a little shake of his head, ‘it’s the most serious thing I’ve ever felt, but because we’re so stubborn that my brother had to lock us in a hospital room together to get us to admit our feelings to each other.’ Hailey let out a wet chuckle, the tears having broken through and were making their way down her cheeks. He longed to reach out and wipe them away, to cradle her face in his hands and to draw her lips to his, everything else forgotten. ‘Well because I’m stubborn,’ Jay carried on, taking another couple of steps forward when Hailey hadn’t said anything else besides her giggle, ‘so I needed to admit my feelings to you. I don’t expect you to reciprocate, or say anything. I just needed you to know, I just wanted-’

Hailey reached out and pressed a finger against his lips to stop his flow of speech, ‘I love you too,’ she whispered, her smile as soft as he had ever seen it. She loved him. His breath caught in his throat as he processed that she loved him back. ‘I guess we are both as stubborn as each other,’ she chuckled, letting her finger fall but instead of returning to her side, her hand fell to his neck, letting her thumb graze against his stubble. Her hand on him was like electricity, pulsing through her fingers into his skin.

Jay let his eyes close for a second, revelling in her touch before they flew open again as he remembered everything else he wanted to say. The dam was open now, there was no putting the genie back into the bottle.

‘I don’t want to divorce you,’ he said, letting his fingers curl around her waist and keeping her close. ‘I never wanted to, I just didn’t want you to stay tied to me if you didn’t want to be. We got married for a reason and that reason didn’t exist anymore. I was just trying to set you free,’ he said, choking back a tear as the woman that he had loved for so long was looking up at him with nothing but love and adoration. He had dreamed of this look, dreamed of holding her close and telling her he loved her, but only rarely did he let himself dream that she would say it back. Yet here she was, saying those words to him.

‘I don’t want to be free,’ she said back, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

‘That’s good,’ Jay said with a smile. ‘Because I want you with me for the rest of my life Hailey. I love you. I love you more than I ever thought possible, you make me a better person, you make me laugh, you get mad at me when I get hurt which makes me never want to get hurt again. You’re the best person I know.’ He knew it was sappy, knew he was almost overdoing the love confession thing but how many times did you get to do this, to tell someone how much they mean to you. ‘And if you want to get divorced and never speak of this again, then I’ll submit the papers today.’ He said with a small frown because it was the last thing he wanted to do, but for her, he’d do it, he’d do anything she asked. ‘But I’m really hoping you don’t.’

‘I don’t,’ Hailey responded, and before Jay could take a breath, she had pushed herself up onto her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his.

Before that moment he thought he had experienced everything he possibly could when kissing Hailey. He had relived the moments that their lips had joined on multiple occasions and the memory of the taste of her had seen him to sleep on restless nights. But he had never experienced this. Kissing someone back and knowing they are feeling the same thing as you, knowing they love you back, it was like a million fireworks going off at once, but silently in the night sky.

There was nothing in his head apart from the feeling of her against him, his hands on her hips, her fingers sliding through the hairs on the back of his neck, her lips pushing against his, prizing them open and their tongues meeting once again. If he never felt anything like this again, Jay thought, he would die a happy man. This was the happiest he had ever been.

He wrapped his arms around her back and lifted her up slightly so they were on the same level, she giggled slightly at the movement and he felt her smile against her lips.

‘I love you,’ he murmured in between kisses.

Pulling back he let their foreheads rest together but didn’t place her back on the floor, her weight in his arms was a comforting sensation and he wanted to live in the feeling a moment longer.

‘You can put me down you know,’ Hailey said quietly, ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

‘Not willing to risk it,’ he said and squeezed her tightly.

‘Jay, you’re at risk for concussion and pretty sure the doctor said no strenuous activities,’ she sassed.

‘Firstly, he said no such thing, don’t worry,’ and he winked at her, eliciting another round of girlish giggles from her. ‘And secondly, Hailey you weigh almost nothing, there is nothing strenuous about this.’ He gave her a peck on the cheek but loosened his hold on her slightly so she slid down his front until her feet touched solid ground again.

For a brief moment they just got lost in each other’s eyes, smiles fixed firmly on their faces, arms still looped around each other, not even the slimmest of gaps present between their two bodies.

‘What happens now?’ Hailey asked softly, breaking the silence.

‘We get Will to unlock this door and we go home I guess,’ he said with a small shrug, reaching out to push a wayward lock of hair back behind her ear, letting his fingers brush gently against her skin.

‘And then we stay married?’ She asked.

‘If that’s what you want,’ Jay said honestly. ‘I want you as my wife Hailey, but if you don’t want that then we submit the papers. If you want to divorce but then date, I’ll do what you want. If you want me to move out and start from scratch like a regular relationship, we can do that too. Whatever you want.’

Hailey seemed to consider her options for a moment and Jay held his breath. ‘I don’t want any of that,’ she said, her blue eyes twinkling. ‘I want to be your wife Jay. I don’t want you to move out, though you can move out of the spare room if you want. I want this. I want you.’

That was all Jay needed to hear to crash his lips back into hers and let all his senses get filled with her. Her taste on his tongue, her soft moans filling his ears, his hand had snuck its way under her shirt and was now flat against the smooth skin of her back and he could smell her floral shampoo. It was an all out attack on his senses and he loved it. She was everywhere and he couldn’t get enough.

Hailey seemed to be equally enjoying it if the way her fingers were digging into his hair was anything to go on. And both were too wrapped up in each other to hear the door behind them click open until Will’s voice entered the room and broke the spell.

‘Glad to see you two have come to your senses,’ he chuckled and Jay pulled back from Hailey slightly to give his brother a death stare for interrupting them. He kept his arms tightly locked around her though, a subconscious action to keep her close to him. ‘But you need to get a different room, preferably not at the hospital as we need this for patients.’ He chuckled again, shaking his head slightly but Jay could see the grin still plastered on his face as he left them alone again but this time with the door wide open.

‘Come on then,’ Jay said, unwrapping his arms but linking the fingers of his right hand with her left. ‘Let’s go home.’ And as he walked out of that room hand in hand with his wife, he realised the word home had never held such meaning as it did in that moment. Home was no longer just a place, four walls and a roof. Home was a person. Home was a feeling, a feeling of safety, of love, of wantedness. Home was Hailey, and he intended to show her for the rest of his life, exactly what that meant to him.

[tussive]

Man, like not being depressed all of the time is so weird. I mean, I'm still probably mildly depressed if I'm being honest, but it's so mild compared to what it used to be. I never thought I'd be this free from depression. One of my earliest memories is trying to kill myself by jumping off a roof when I was like 4. I've always been depressed and wanted to die.

I wish I knew what changed, because I'd love to offer advice or help to people but I don't know. i quit taking my meds, because they never helped much to begin with and they seemed unnecessary and why go through the side effects of them when I don't need to. I've been in therapy for a long time and I wouldn't say I've never benefited from it. I definitely have learned some things in therapy but I don't think I can attribute it to therapy really. I know people say that a lot of mental illnesses do ease in your 30s typically, but my depression has always been so bad and it started so early, I didn't think that would be the case. It probably is a factor though. I do think just putting in work on like, forcing myself to do things, socialize, etc was probably the biggest factor. I also think having some level of delusion is sort of beneficial? Like...I used to always try to value what I felt was true over everything. I preferred being right than being happy. Now if something isn't necessarily true, but it makes me feel better about things and it isn't negatively impacting me or anyone else, I just go with it. I've said about this before, but when I really noticed the biggest shift was when I just was like, "Y'know what? This is my world and if I think something is funny, it's funny." Which sounds so stupid and inconsequential. But I used to always be like, there is no right or wrong answer for what's funny or whatever. And obviously that is still true, but it's like...who cares? If I think something is funny, it's funny. i feel like that's how everyone should feel about things like that. Not just humor, but like what art you like or food preferences or whatever. Just dumb shit, what you feel is the correct way to feel.

I don't know. It's honestly been a really big change and I'm still really adjusting to it and it's kind of disorienting. Sometimes I'll see like sad posts on here or like hear a sad song that used to really resonate with me before or whatever and I still understand it, because I was there, but I don't feel it anymore.

I spent the first thirty years of my life trying to die. I still intellectually agree with all of my positions I held before. I believe in the right to die and think people should be allowed to kill themselves in they want to. I don't think it's fair to tell people things will definitely get better, because so often they just don't. I never thought I'd feel this way, but now I'm honestly glad I didn't die. Being alive is fun. It's still hard, obviously. I still am definitely mentally ill and have a lot of problems with things. But like, it's fine, y'know? Fuck it, we ball.

[blacksupremacy86]

Rescue Mission Redux

Captain America exist a pitch black dark isle alley way in a bright blue glory he snuck out of the area he crosses the street into a hidden abandon building.

Into the side way of the building he climbs up the ladder to the roof top he knelt down sides the roof top screen listening into the glass roof.

He stares into the laboratory with The Flash and Green Arrow strapped to a medical slab for experimental breakthrough for me the wires blow up activating.

Captain had enough he leaps into the air his feet diving down into the glass roof top the glass breaks shattering over all three me with shield all prepared.

The shield greatly held up to block attacks coming in from all sides he flips the shield to the side throwing it to the wall it hits it hard causing an eruption.

The man in the shadow stands tall unphase by it all to the total annoyance of his action

and he blocks a few punches going toe to toe.

The room lit up causing an electrical surge to hit the machine the bolts cause a chain of reaction it transfers into the medical slabs with my new slaves.

Barry and Oliver bodies freaks out their own bodies roll out of control falling to the floor spinning into a zany convulsive shaking of his body.

Their eyes pop open mindless, empty and my personal toys to do exactly as I am now assuming full command over their situation.

“Poor Captain America! Always have to be the boy scout.” The man states.

“I will do whatever it takes to stop you from doing anymore irreparable damage.” Steve adds.

“Oh! You think so?” The man states yanks a mechanical lever as the machine turns off.

“Welcome back to the real world.” The man whispers.

“Yes Master! Let’s begin” they beg him.

“Commence superhero protocol.” I instruct.

“Sir Yes Sir”

“What did you do to them?”

“Simple! I claim ownership.”

“Tony! I know what I am doing.”

“Bucky….damn coms are off”

“Not today Tony! Steve is my friend”

“Well better late then never”

“How did you get in?”

“Easy! I broke free”

“Enjoy your migraine in the morning “

“Where are you Steve?”

“Med laboratory and cryogenic station.”

Using his feet Bucky kicks the door open in one huge bust standing down ready to face anything.

“Steve!” Bucky yells running over to see his friend in a cryogenic chamber lost to time once more.

The door closes alerting Bucky to the main danger in his sights the figure stood in utter shade.

“I am here to save Steve”

“No! We are here to save you “

“Fuck that”

“Too bad”

“Arrow get him”

“Yyyeeeesss”

“Oooowwwwww!” Bucky yells as a Hypno drug lace arrow hits his arm he falls to the floor.

His eyes flutter close.

It’s a week later the building is now active in a new way, still only four employees are at work and the building is perfectly pristine.

Great inventor, genius and philanthropist Tony Stark stood in the building watches from his Iron Man suit attuning to the situation.

He lands onto the backyard hiding for the next change of guard he can see movement happening and people on the going.

“Master Lawrence we are ready.”

“Give us the command”

“Barry and Oliver go outside and check out the grounds.”

“Yes Sir”

“Sir Yes Sir”

“Steve and Bucky guard the inside.”

“With pleasure”

“We will join you in bed later”

“Now to put the plan into fruition.”

Tony shoots out a strange triangle orb like shape object at the grass upon impact Barry is electrocuted.

Oliver runs to his side speaking into his mic to keep me abreast of everything put it is go late.

Tony grabs Oliver by the neck grabbing him by the side of the area and knocks him out completely.

“I am all you will ever know Tony”

“How did you sneak up on me? Wait!”

“Mwahahahahaha”

“Your wealthy ass is mine now”

“Transferring everything to me”

“Take him in losers.”

The end

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

actually I’m moving this to a new post because fuck it

okay so I finally looked at the reply, and

Even though there is no good way to prepare for a  neuropsychological evaluation, other than to get a good night sleep and  avoid feeling hungry, it is not unusual to feel as though you could have  done something more. In regards to the self-assessment tests you took  on-line, research has demonstrated that some of them result in high  false positive rates, which decreases the validity of the results (Sara  Jones, Maria Johnson, et al Autism Research and Treatment; Bram Sizoo,  EH Horowitz, et al Autism journal).  Other psychiatric diagnoses besides  autism can result in elevated scores on these self-tests.  Neurocognitive discrepancies and deficiencies frequently associated with  autism were not part of your pattern of test results. As I mentioned in  the report  you have symptoms consistent with autism but there isnt enough to reach  the severity of an autism diagnosis. The results in my opinion are more  accurately described by social anxiety, ADHD, and a persistent anxious  mood disturbance. I appreciate your desire to better understand yourself  and the test results and hope you are also able to discuss these  questions with your therapist as well.

a) maybe I’m overly sensitive (...fine, I’m almost certain I’m overly sensitive) but this feels patronizing b) part of my entire point in sending self-test results and discussing additional things that didn’t come up in the interview was to point out, hey, I have potentially new information that didn’t come up in the interview so maybe the evaluation should be reconsidered, at least a little bit, in light of that new information? and this basically sounds like “no, I’ve already decided your social difficulties are based on anxiety and new information doesn’t affect that because the cognitive tests don’t indicate autism.”

in some ways, I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t find this upsetting because it’s not like they came back saying I’m neurotypical, they did confirm the ADHD so that’s something, especially because it's been pretty destabilizing the way my prescriber has always been kind of half-hearted about it (”yeah you fit the criteria but also it’s not a severe case, everybody forgets things sometimes, hmm wait you’re not responding to stimulant meds so maybe it’s not ADHD after all and I should change my diagnosis, idk”). and since there’s so much symptom overlap between ADHD, anxiety, and autism, maybe it shouldn’t matter that I only have a diagnosis for two of the three.

but it feels like--if it’s social anxiety, it’s on me to fix it. I have to work on it, and expose myself more, and put myself out there, and do exhausting shit that kind of makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and maybe if I work hard enough and burn myself out learning every social cue ever, I’ll eventually stop fucking up and manage to be normal, and maybe friends will stop ghosting me. I’m sure the healthier way to look at that is that it’s fixable and I should feel empowered to do something about it, but I don’t, I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed because I’m being asked to do something I don’t have the energy to do.

if I’m autistic, I’m...never going to be normal. I have to mask in certain settings, but the healthiest thing is to not mask as much as possible, to try to be authentic, whatever that ends up meaning. That’s...not necessarily good, because as I understand it a lot of people only like the mask, but at least that might mean it’s not my fault that people keep ghosting me, you know?

I don’t know, I’m probably looking at this all wrong because I just do that, because at this point my brain is so fucking rewired by depression I don’t know how to fix that either, but it feels like if it’s all social anxiety, any problems I have are my fault unless I put in the effort to fake everything, using energy I don’t have...whereas if I’m autistic, at least then maybe it’s not my fault, maybe I’m not already automatically wrong because it’s just how I am.

oh. and I did cancel my appointment with my prescriber. but I for sure do need to reschedule that one, because unlike my therapist I have her assistant actually calling back to arrange rescheduling something, plus you know I need to keep having appointments to keep refilling my prescriptions. only I still don’t want to. and I don’t really want to reschedule with my therapist either. probably I need to find a new therapist but just the thought of starting that process also makes me want to cry, so that’s not super great either

[hjellacott]

There's no shame in being an adult-nerd

Listen, adulthood SUCKS. Every time I think of doing my taxes I have serious bouts of anxiety, not because of the money (I don't really have to pay much) but because of the sheer fear of "what if I do the online paperwork wrong and I get arrested for tax fraud?"

You're also supposed to know everything. I don't have much money so most of the house maintenance is up to myself. One day is plumbing, the next day the toilet seat needs fixing (and the screws are rusty and don't move!) and then yesterday I had to change a very complex type of lightbulb that including having to figure out how to connect cables, something I'd never done or learned about before.

Then I have to deal with the Health Service, with banks, learn about accounts, learn about the different types of microwaves so I am sure to get the right one, and all the paperworks for everything are ONLINE, and no one ever taught me this shit because it wasn't like that when my parents were doing that, so now I have to learn it (thanks school for NOTHING) and teach my now elderly mother. And it's so fucking difficult. Like it took us a month to figure out how to do a bureaucratic bs just to get some economical aid. Or to get my mum's elderly bus card, which is also online, another two weeks. And you can't speak with people any more! I have to deal with fucking bots EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE. And if you think you can just call or email someone and get all the help you need?! WRONG!!!

I've got a back problem. Things hurt. I'm tired all the time. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the extreme BS that is adulthood. They sold it so nicely and it's CRAP. I'm on my way to get my second Bachelor Degree, for fuck's sakes, how is everything so hard? I'm academic! And thank God I at least have internet to google stuff. But even to sleep I need help. I have to meditate, to take meds... I am so fucking stressed always that OF COURSE I need assistance even TO SLEEP. And I'm under 40!

And then you know your high school bullies you thought you'd be free of? NOW THEY'RE YOUR LOCAL COPS, YOUR LOCAL POLITICIANS, YOUR LOCAL BUSINESSMEN AND BANKERS.

I don't have time or energy to try and find myself a partner. Let alone children, even though in my dream world, I've got them both. And a nice house with a pool.

And you kids who know NO FUCKING SHIT are going to try and BS me for what? For being a nerd?

Yes, I get fucking excited on nights that I can wear my Harry Potter pyjamas. Yes, when I'm alone, I enjoy singing movie songs and pretending I'm a hobbit with a blanket over my shoulders as a cape, fighting orcs. Yes, I have a good laugh with nerdy jokes. Yes, I get excited about nerdy shops full of stuff from Harry Potter, the Lord of the Rings, Star Wars... SO WHAT.

Let me have the very few fucking things that bring me joy. Because hey, at least I eat well, I don't self harm, I don't commit suicide. I'm trying to stay alive and is a fucking hard job when you're an adult, so whatever you need to do to survive, whether that's nightly masturbation or playing movie soundtracks on repeat, or going to ComicCons on a bloody Dark Vader costume, go ahead. No shame. NO FUCKING SHAME.

[beyonceisstraight]

I used to always think I had a normal good childhood and that I’m just mentally ill because of crossed wires. Then I got older, got my pcos diagnosis and for years have been dealing with feeling constantly disgusted and repelled by my mother without being sure why that was. I cannot even stand to accidentally brush against this woman. After being on medication and lifestyle changes that help remove the overload that my mental health presents I actually have the room so to speak, to realise I have trauma. But what always puzzled me was that I do not have traumatic events to recall. Well now I know my mother was emotionally neglectful and abusive, and a narcissist. Even materially neglectful at times.

So for me that means just being absolutely neglected in the abstract hard to track ways. Like my mother never guiding me about my period, buying me menstrual products, or giving me money for it. From age 11 I’ve been buying that stuff out of whatever I have on me. It was something I realised last night and I actually was recalling it in the context of like, if an 11 year old girl can handle it a grown man buying pads for someone can. But then, being 28 and having 2 nieces my intuition kicked in. Cause the adult I am now, would buy everything and teach any young menstruating person in my care everything they need to know about their body. For me this is just the caring thing to do.

I was so sure I had a normal if not good childhood but when I was 14 I remember thinking that there’s no point in ever telling anyone when I’m sick just take the meds and lay in bed. And when its over you feel fine again. Being taken care of by my partner still feels alien to me. 

Sometimes we get to be damaged goods through being told how much we cost.

[dead-dove-doesnt-eat]

Do you have an active ED and an attention disorder?

Let me put you on something (medication) (it sucks)

Like many people with ADHD or ADD, I’ve been on adderall, Dexedrine, Ritilin, focalin, you name it. Here’s he one that worked for me

I started Vyvanse about 2 ish years ago when I was 17, and it has WAY way way more cons than pros, but the pros pay off and It’s what works for me. And while it might not work for everyone, I figured I’d share what I know

Disclaimer: this is an over the counter prescription drug. I am not encouraging getting this drug illegally or using it recreationally but also idc what you do

CONS (based on my personal experience an limited research)

Because It’s a known appetite suppressant, you may have a hard time getting it if you are already underweight or have ED anywhere in your records.

Random panic. I can just be sitting there and get shaky and can feel my heartbeat super fast, and overall I just sweat more when I’m on it.

I focus on whatever I’m doing. Not just school or work. I have a midterm due next week that I haven’t started, and I’m doing research for this post instead. This happens most of the time

I scratch myself till i bleed, and I pick at every imperfection on my face and body and scalp for hours on end without breaking concentration.

When I first started taking it I got panic attacks pretty often, but that went away as I got used to it. But it doesn’t go away if you aren’t consistent with taking it every day.

It gave me a couple of motor tics, which mostly faded away after about a year and a half of taking it.

I know the point of reading this for most people is to suppress appetite, but sometimes I just don’t notice that I haven’t eaten for a long time, and I get super super hangry without actually feeling hungry, so I just get frustrated.

Unlike other adhd medications that are more “take it when you need it” It has to be taken every morning to work best

You can’t sleep when it’s active. Its designed to keep you alert and focused for about 12 hours, but in my experience it fully wears off about 15 or 16 hours in. If I forget to take it in the morning I skip it for that day otherwise I won’t be able to fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning, and will be tossing and turning all night

^Seriously. Idc how sleepy of a person you think you are, it fucks up your sleep. Other people who take vyvanse have expressed this as well

It changes your personality. It changes who you like, how you think, how you act, and how you feel. It numbs me out big time

I had to get used to actively remembering to drink water

But also your mouth is always dry

I grind my teeth a ton and started biting my nails again

Random depression

I swear I’m like 70% less funny and socially aware when I take it

Everything around me is serious and I have a generally less fun than when I’m on it

PROS

Many doctors prefer it over adderall since it’s not as well known, isn’t a good high, and doesn’t have as much of a risk of being sold and abused

I can actually fucking focus when I take it it’s crazy

It’s used for treating binge eating disorder

Unlike other focus meds, it lasts all day. It’s working during class, it’s working at the gym, and it’s still working just as well at the end of the day so I can do my homework.

It just makes you flat out, not hungry all day

Like I don’t even think about food

Makes you less impulsive

I’m never bored when I take it. Idk if that makes sense but I used to get bored of video games and drawing and stuff and now I just don’t

It makes me motivated to do stuff idk

Gave me lots of pent up energy I used for working out

It gives you laser eyes and all the cool kids do it

Anyways that’s just my personal experience with it, if you have anything to add from being on it or something similar PLEASE do so

it’s cool and evil, and I love/hate it a lot.

[just-a-domesticated-cryptid]

I should never trust myself past midnight

Part 1

TW: mentions of self harm

I feel so angry and the meds aren't doing it for me anymore. I wonder if I can be fixed. I want to be held even though I know that won't make me feel any better. 

I know I can be loved,  I'm certain of that. But I don't know if I can live with myself. I want to escape my skin. I want to sleep and wake up in a thousand years, when everything I know is changed but I don't have to live through it. I want to break something, hit something. Hurt something. 

Burning a hole through my thigh, I let the anger drain from me, like the bloodletting done back then. A process of letting the evil out of your body, balancing whatever is in you. Too much or not enough, until it's just right. 

Prayer won't fix me and there is no more hair to cut unless I want to look like Joan D'Arc.

One day I'll breathe. I want to go home. I want to do farther than home, away from everyone. Away. I don't want people. I want to be held. I want my mum. I don't even know who to call.

Fuck.

I will always miss the people who hurt me, no matter how hard they kicked me. I'll bite back and then lick your hand. I'll bark at you words I can never take back and then I'll curl up at your feet.

I'm not an obedient dog. I'm just a guilty one.

[mysticdreamcafe]

Health, health, and more health

I have stopped all my old mental health meds and started another one. Now I am off the roller coaster and feeling more like the me I used to know.

The immune therapy is working for the most part. My numbers are up but after the last week I've had a fever for a couple days, i.e. why 2 days in bed.

I'm going to say that the universe stepped in, you can call it God or whatever you wish but an intervention was made on a cosmic level, and annoyed me with pop up's of Johnny Depp clips. I found music again and was reconnected to listening to Alice Cooper. Listening to music triggered the urge to write which triggered the need to improve my health overall. All that, I call it the plague of JD during my instability phase, drama made me make Dr's listen and change the ones that didn't. Now, the insanity has halted but may reoccur at some point. I say this because when your body is slowly attacking your brain you never know what the future holds.

My insurance company called a few days ago and said I qualified for a free health care pack. This has an iPhone, BP monitor, Glucose monitor, and scale included in it. Everything is smart and will sync to an app on the phone via Bluetooth. This is monitored by people at the Ins. company and I have to do readings at least 3 days a week. They prefer daily readings.

All these extra tasks add to the ones I already have to do. Thus, adding to the cycle of doom. This is were I have so much to do I get stressed out, don't eat right, push myself to hard to get stuff done, miss medication doses, and cause myself more harm than good.

You'd think after 11+ yrs the Dr's I see would understand how the cycle of doom works and stop giving me more shit to do. I've told them over and over for years, yet if I stop journaling, exercising, or any other task they give me then they say I'm not adhering to my treatment. Basically, I'm not trying to help myself get better.

I've single handedly moved solid oak furniture around this house and freshened my bedroom for a month when I'm able. I do this to organize, declutter, and reduce allergens for a better living environment. I call that exercise.

I just heard a collective wave of thoughts saying, "you need a routine". Yes, I do. I'm always trying to create and stick to one. The problem is the bad days. I can't cook because I burn and cut myself or throw stuff when my arms jerk. Sometimes I can't hold anything without dropping it or I have trouble swallowing. So, I've limited options of what to eat. I stagger when I walk and sometimes fall over. Speech and cognitive can be glitchy. Pain can be unbearable when I move. Vision can be blurry, tunneled, or like there's a dark black fog I'm looking through. Sometimes I can't sleep and others I sleep only to wake, pee, eat, and go back to sleep. Any of these issues can hit singly or all can join forces to take me down. They can last hours or a week.

So routines are extremely difficult. My answer is to keep premade protein shakes on hand and frozen dinners in freezer (I make them when I am able to cook). My meds are in pill containers and done monthly. My watch and phone remind me when to take them.

Basically, I do what I can when I can but have backups ready when it comes to the essentials. There's canes, walkers, and seats/stools scattered about because my mom is way more unsteady than I am. Even if she refuses to use them.

Well, I've vented and now need to get something done around here. It's warm today so I'm digging my heals in about moving from the open window next to me. Good day for a nap, but that won't make dinner.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

MV

[deyanirahayes]

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.