#anyway its ok just dreams its not real anyway
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another morning another free bus journey..
#feeling okay this morning.. im usually better in the mornings its just when the meds wear off that i start to lag a bit#and ruminate ahh. no point ruminating today tho cuz im not gonna be able to have the conversation i want until tmr at the earliest#was nice to call my friend yesterday tho i did complain a little but not abt anything that bad but they were still v sympathetic#which was rly nice of them 🥹#ive been having some difficult dreams these last couple days abt my mum for some reason. well i kind of know the reason why#like we're very similar ppl even if i cant talk to her abt everything in my life bc she would find it too upsetting#so i think my mind includes her in dreams bc shes like. the only person i feel true emotional solidarity with#like she experiences emotional dysregulation + rsd in the same way i do which has sucked for us both but just. we're not alone innit#anyway its ok just dreams its not real anyway#and climbing tonight YEAAAHHHH i just gotta make it thru today#itll all be okay one way or another. aight i need to clock in so i can use the work bathroom i gotta pee rl bad#.diaries#FUCKKKKK MY PERIOD JUST STARTED.....its late why does it have to come TODAY#please dont let the cramps be too bad so i can still climb later 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
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im really normal about them <- lie
#ace attorney#mia fey#diego armando#miego#lorillee.png#THATS RIGHT BABY. AFTER -um . hold on. *checks notes* - SIX MONTHS. LORILLEE IS BACK WITH PHOTOSHOP ART 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥#every now and again i like to put effort into something just to remind everybody that i can actually draw#well i say that but to be honest i put a lot of effort into those ms paint ''diego fey REAL'' doodles#but half of that is just because humans are a . something. to draw. and urban backgrounds are my worst nemesis#and also trying to work with ms paint to like slightly transform things is an incredible pain in the behind#anyways. yeagh 😎👍 behold the power of miego. getting me to actually finish something in photoshop for the first time in months#anyways. ive discovered the secret to getting me to draw stuff on photoshop. prepare yourselves accordingly#what i need to do is sketch & line something in ms paint. and then directly trace it over into photoshop#and then i can go ham#see because the reason i never did this before was because i would sketch things in ms paint#and try to line them in photoshop and it simply Wouldnt Work.#so i had assumed that if i wanted to draw in photoshop id have to sketch in it first. yknow. which i cannot do for some reason#something about the way the pen feels and the . its like the smoothing setting is on even when its on 0 percent. you know. anyways#but with this one i drew mia in ms paint as per usual . and i wanted to mess around with color & light#and i triedddd to do it in ms paint but unfortunately as you can probably imagine. doing stuff like this without layer filters#can get a little difficult. if you know what youre doing its obviously going to be easier but that being said i do not#when i pick colors i am literlaly just wildly guessing 😭🙏 which is fine for more straightforward coloring/shading#but not quite here. which is why i wanted to take a stab at it in the first place#so anyways i was like FINE WHATEVER and tried tracing the lineart in photoshop so i could take a stab at coloring in there#and i was . enlightened. (no pun intended). it WORKS#so anyways . you may actually be able to expect. some photoshop art from me#well ok thats a lie never expect art from me. but we can all dream together#anyways they really are the star-crossed doomed by the narrative romance ever. everything to me
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I knew about the post concert depression but no one told me about the post concert constant feeling of AAAAAAAAAHHH that lasts days and makes everything much more bearable and beautiful and some sort of ethereal type of hope is restored into the world, or maybe it's just the "seeing your favourite band after first thinking that it would never happen and later spending many months waiting for it all the while fearing that it wouldn't happen after all because of circumstances outside my control or feeling like it was too beautiful and wonderful to be true so ofc it wouldn't come true" part of it all
#guys i love they might be giants. did you know about this#me days before the show: crying because i will see they might be giants#me days after the show: crying because i saw they might be giants#truth is that i didn't actually full on cry until yesterday evening though so once i was back home so it was all officially over#and it was time to just slow down and realize that oh well wow. so all that just happened. like for realsies#i also finally looked through my videos and my recording of the whole show (yes as an archivist freak who records audio from most concerts#i obviously had to record this one also. now i can listen to it again and again and be remided that i didn't dream it all up after all)#but yeah all this and now i'm supposed to move on and go back to my stupid daily life#like i didn't just have one of those real actual life experiences and moments of pure fun that other people generally get from time to time#and that i haven't had since idk even when a year and a half ago#thats the last time i consider truly amazing on a level somewhat comparable to this. but back to the show and the whole thing.#like this wouldn't have been quite as perfect if i didn't share that time with fellow fans / friends that i ended up attending the show wit#you don't realize how badly you've been wanting to be included in things and for people to be genuinely fond of you and like your company#until you get included and shown that fondness. like wow i'm allowed to have fun too after all. can it happen again someday please. anyway#i'm just glad that in midst of my big bad awful times i could have this truly amazing 10/10 time#and i guess it doesn't have to be the last such time right. even if it's easy to give into the feeling that it is#but ok anyway i'll get to that proper show recap later when i can think clearly again#and maybe more on that more personal side of it all too because well i have many more thoughts obviously#but whether i get to that in 3 days or 3 months is a mystery for now. just kind of a lot to think about once again#and my stupid baka life continues on also whether i like it or not so that has to be taken into consideration as well#time to think again about school that i'm so totally fully failing now with my two weeks long absence yayyy. its fine i'll figure it all out#goosepost
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Honestly your tags are so fun to read every time, i'm almost more excited for them than the actual post (but not entirely because your art is SO GOOD!!!! i adore it). If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?
i am studying psychology because i refuse to see a therapist so ill figure out whats wrong with me myself !!!!!!!
#snap chats#WITH. a minor in human resources ☝️ because im evil or something#and whatever character/s i decide to fixate on for the next three years i will also psychoanalyze them I Guess. //loud coughing//#tbh i only saw a therapist to get medicine but since bloodwork is expensive without insurance i dont even do that anymore. sad !#but yeah im a certified rambler if i dont share every thought i have so people understand me as much as i want them to ill die#which is why charles xavier if youre out there you have full rights to my brain .......... //gross wink sound//#why cant telepaths be real itd make my life so much easier. i woudnt have to talk a mile a minute anymore#because i do talk very fast because growing up my mom would cut me off a lot#so now i talk fast in fear of being cut off without all my thoughts being heard. anyways.#thank you for also enjoying my art :] a sideshow to the glory that is my tags i KNOWWW but im glad my efforts are not unnoticed 😌#back to My Major tho when i was in middle school i thought i wanted to go into comic books#but then i thought id lose my love for drawing if i did it professionally so now i do it. semi professionally#on my own terms babyyyy thats right. and if im lucky i get paid to draw my faves im living the dream babes#thats why my text posts take nine years for me to type im legitimately sitting here thinking if i said everything i wanted#and if i worded it right but even then after it's up im like 'but did i word it right tho' but its like 'bro just fucking POST IT'#'ITS NOT THAT DEEP' its as my favorite professor once told me 'youre very paranoid' and he's right !!!! im very paranoid 🥰#ok im done now. see thats why i say Ok Im Done Now its a sign im forcing myself to shut UP#wait not done Almost but not quite i was rewatching 97 to Try to get caps of charles in his combat uniform#and i fear i still cackle at erik telling charles to shut up like PLEAAASSE...... i need that bit CLIPPED#it makes me giggle ... someone remind me to clip all of erik's cameos in the squirrelgirl podcast btw#ive been meaning to do that for weeks but. oops <3 i need all my grandpa's moments CATALOGUED and AT THE READY..#ok i done fr now i have class with my you're-paranoid professor in like an hour and i wanna get some work done before then#BYYYYYEEEE. FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES PROBABLY IDK
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look at my alternate yuu concept boy
#i just think the idea of isekaing at age 22 and being shoved into high school is so funny. shes just here now#185cm makes her the same height as leona btw. nearly six foot one. absurdly tall#she did not have friends b4 twst bc she had a Lot of ppl approach her bc of her parents#was very good at keeping a polite distance and went a little insane in twst as a result#fails all her classes at nrc bc she is going home at the end of this to her Real life so who cares shes here for a Good time#girl w/no subconcious desire to stay in twst tho i do think itd be good for her in the long run#she wants to go back to her own reality bc she wants to finish her degree. she was so close#Everyone's Big Sister (self-proclaimed) and incredibly obnoxious abt it#gets on v well with kalim and lilia and then cater is there in the background like. Please Let Me Out.#shes in gargoyle research. malleus is a little brother to her and i think he actually does see her as family more than a romantic partner#WHICH IS RARE FOR ME im usually all abt malleus > yuu but here it makes sense. they are platonic. u kno how it is#book 7 is a really bad time for her bc she learns all of lilias backstory and realizes how much shit he wasnt telling her#as if she were telling him anything serious abt herself LMAO but him leaving w/o sayign + finding out his backstory from a dream is just. h#book 7 i think is whats solidifying her desire to return home. she has a place where she belongs and its not here.#anyways ironically despite how much ive written here + how much ive thought abt her shes only a secondary yuu. yjn comes first always <3#i do really like her shes a lot of fun to think abt. very Messy and impulsive unlike yjn whos thoughtful and deliberate. u kno#god this was a tag essay. ok.#how do you art#twst oc#myuu stuff
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"I didn't break," she said quietly. His heart cracked at the words. "I didn't tell them anything."
She didn't say it for praise, to boast. But rather to tell him, her consort, of where they stood in this war. What their enemies might know.
"I knew you wouldn't," he managed to say.
"She ... she tried to convince me that this was the bad dream. When Cairn was done with me, or during it, I don't know, she'd try to worm her way into my mind." She glanced around the cave, as if she could see the world beyond it. "She spun fantasies that felt so real..." She bobbed under the surface. Perhaps she'd needed the cooling water of the lake to be able to hear her own voice again; perhaps she needed the distance between them so she could speak these words. She emerged, slicking back her hair with a hand. "They felt like this."
Half of him didn't want to know, but he asked, "What sort of illusions?"
A long pause. "It doesn't matter now."
Too soon to push—if ever.
Then she asked softly, "How long?"
It took the entirety of his three centuries of training to keep the devastation, the agony for her, from his face. "Two months, three days, and seven hours."
Her mouth tightened, either at the length of time, or the fact that he'd counted every single one of those hours apart.
She ran her fingers through her hair, its strands floating around her in the water. Still too long for two months to have passed. "They healed me after each ... session. So that I stopped knowing what had been done and what was in my mind and where the truth lay." Erase her scars, and Maeve stood a better chance at convincing her none of this was real. "But the healers couldn't remember how long my hair was, or Maeve wanted to confuse me further, so they grew it out." Her eyes darkened at the memory of why, perhaps, they had needed to regrow her hair in the first place.
"Do you want me to cut it back to the length it was when I last saw you?" His words were near-guttural.
"No." Ripples shivered around her. "I want it so I can remember."
What had been done to her, what she'd survived and what she had protected.
Even if the woman treading water before him didn't seem to have vengeance on her mind. Not so much as a hint of the burning rage that fueled her.
He didn't blame her. Knew it would take time, time and distance, to heal the internal wounds. If they could ever really heal at all.
But he'd work with her, help in whatever way he could. And if she never returned to who she had been before this, he would not love her any less.
Aelin dunked her head, and when she emerged, she said, "Maeve was about to put a Valg collar around my neck. She left to retrieve it." The scent of her lingering fear drifted toward him, and Rowan lurched a step closer to the water's edge. "It's why I—why I got away. She had me moved to the army camp for safekeeping, and I ..." Her voice stalled, yet she met his stare. Let him read the words she could not say, in that silent way they'd always been able to communicate. Escape wasn't my intention.
"No, Fireheart," he breathed, shaking his head, horror creeping over him. "There ... there was no collar."
She blinked, head angling. "That was a dream, too?"
His heart cracked as he struggled for the words. Made himself voice them. "No—it was real. Or Maeve thought it was. But the collars, the Valg presence ... It was a lie that we crafted. To draw Maeve out, hopefully away from you and Doranelle."
Only the faint lapping of water sounded. "There was no collar?"
Rowan lowered himself to his knees and shook his head. "I—Aelin, if I'd known what she'd do with the knowledge, what you'd decide to do-"
He might have lost her. Not from Maeve or the gods or the Lock, but from his own damned choices. The lie he'd spun.
Aelin drifted beneath the surface again. So deep that when the flare happened, it was little more than a flutter. The light burst from her, rippling across the lake, illumining the stones, the slick ceiling above. A silent eruption. His breathing turned ragged. But she swam toward the surface again, light streaming off her body like tendrils of clouds. It had nearly vanished when she emerged.
"I'm sorry," he managed to say. Again, that angle of the head. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He did, though. He'd added to her terror, her desperation. He'd— "If you had not planted that lie for Maeve, if she had not told me, I don't think we'd be here right now," she said.
He tried to rein in the twisting in his gut, the urge to reach for her, to beg for her forgiveness. Tried and tried.
She only asked, "What of the others?" She didn't know-couldn't know how and why and where they'd all parted ways. So Rowan told her, as succinctly and calmly as he could.
When he finished, Aelin was quiet for long minutes.
She stared out into the blackness, the rippling of her treading water the only sound. Her body had nearly lost that freshly forged glow.
Then she pivoted back toward him. "Maeve said you and the others were in the North. That you'd been spotted by her spies there. Did you plant that deception for her, too?"
He shook his head. "Lysandra has been thorough, it seems."
Aelin's throat bobbed. "I believed her." It sounded like a confession, somehow.
So Rowan found himself saying, "I told you once that even if death separated us, I would rip apart every world until I found you." He gave her a slash of a smile. "Did you really believe this would stop me?'
She pursed her mouth, and at last, those agonizing emotions began to surface in her eyes. "You were supposed to save Terrasen."
"Considering that the sun shines, I'd say Erawan hasn't won yet. So we'll save it together."
He didn't let himself think of the final cost of destroying Erawan. And Aelin seemed in no hurry to discuss it, either, as she said, "You should have gone to Terrasen. It needs you."
"I need you more." He didn't balk from the stark honesty roughening his voice. "And Terrasen will need you, too. Not Lysandra masquerading as you, but you."
A shallow nod. "Maeve raised her army. I doubt it was only to guard me while she was away."
He'd put the thought aside, to consider later. "It might just be to shore up her defenses, should Erawan win across the sea."
"Do you truly think that's what she plans to do with it?"
"No," he admitted. "I don't."
And if Maeve meant to bring that army to Terrasen, to either unite with Erawan or simply be another force battering their kingdom, to strike when they were weakest, they had to hurry. Had to get back. Immediately. His mate's eyes shone with the same understanding and dread.
Aelin's throat bobbed as she whispered, "I'm so tired, Rowan."
His heart strained again. "I know, Fireheart."
He opened his mouth to say more, to coax her onto land so he might at least hold her if words couldn't ease her burden, but that's when he saw it.
A boat, ancient and every inch of it carved, drifted out of the gloom.
"Get back to shore." The boat wasn't drifting—it was being tugged. He could just barely make out two dark forms slithering beneath the surface.
Aelin didn't hesitate, yet her strokes remained steady as she swam for him. She didn’t balk at the hand he extended, and he wrapped his cloak around her while the boat ambled past.
But Aelin turned toward them, hair dripping onto the stone at her bare feet. Half a thought from her could have had her dry, yet she made no move to do so. "We're being hunted."
"We know that," Lorcan shot back, and were it not for the fact that Aelin was currently allowing him to rest a hand upon her shoulder, Rowan would have thrown the male into the lake.
But Aelin's features didn't shift from that graveness, that unruffled calm. "The only way to the sea is through these caves." It was an outrageous claim.
"And I suppose they told you that?" Lorcan's face was hard as granite.
"Watch it," Rowan snarled. Fenrys indeed bared his teeth at the dark-haired warrior, fur bristling. But Aelin said simply, "Yes." Her chin didn't dip an inch. "The land above is crawling with soldiers and spies. Going beneath them is the only way."
Elide stepped forward. "I will go." She cut a cold glance toward Lorcan. "You can take your chances above, if you're so disbelieving." Lorcan's jaw tightened, and a small part of Rowan relished seeing the delicate Lady of Perranth fillet the centuries-hardened warrior with a few words. "Considering the potential pitfalls of the situation is wise."
"We don't have time to consider," Rowan cut in before Elide could voice the retort on her tongue. "We need to keep moving. Gavriel stalked forward to study the moored boat and what seemed to be bundles of supplies on its sturdy planks. "How will we navigate our way, though?"
"We'll be escorted," Aelin answered.
"And if they abandon us?" Lorcan challenged. Aelin leveled unfazed eyes upon him.
"Then you'll have to find a way out, I suppose." A hint-just a spark-of temper belied those calm words. There was nothing else to debate after that.
And they had little to pack. The others gave Aelin privacy to dress by the fire while they inspected the boat, and when his mate emerged again, clad in boots, pants, and various layers beneath her gray surcoat, the sight of her in clothes from Mistward was enough to make his gut clench.
No longer a naked, escaped captive. Yet none of that wickedness, that joy and unchecked wildness illuminated her face.
The rest of their party waited on the boat, seated on the benches built into its high-lipped sides. Fenrys and Elide both sat as seemingly far from Lorcan as they could get, Gavriel a golden, long-suffering buffer between them.
Rowan lingered at the shore's edge, a hand extended for Aelin while she approached. Each of her steps seemed considered—as if she still marveled at being able to move freely. As if still adjusting to her legs without the burden of chains.
"Why?" Lorcan mused aloud, more to himself. "Why go to these lengths for us?"
He got his answer—they all did—a heartbeat later. Aelin halted a few feet away from the boat and Rowan's outstretched hand. She turned back toward the cave itself. The Little Folk peeked from those birch branches, from the rocks, from behind stalagmites. Slowly, deeply, Aelin bowed to them. Rowan could have sworn all those tiny heads lowered in answer.
A pair of bony grayish hands rose above a nearby rock, something glittering held between them, and set the object on the stone.
Rowan went still. A crown of silver and pearl and diamond gleamed there, fashioned into upswept swan's wings
"The Crown of Mab," Gavriel breathed. But Fenrys looked away, toward the looming dark, his tail curling around him.
Aelin staggered a step closer to the crown. "It—it fell into the river."
Rowan didn't want to know how she'd encountered it, why she'd seen it fall into a river. Maeve had kept her sisters' two crowns under constant guard, only bringing them out to be displayed in her throne room on state occasions. In memory of her siblings, she'd intoned. Rowan had sometimes wondered if it was a reminder that she had outlasted them, had kept the throne for herself in the end.
The grayish hand slipped over the rock's edge again and nudged the crown in silent gesture. Take it.
"You want to know why?" Gavriel softly asked Lorcan as Aelin strode for the rock. Nothing but solemn reverence on her face. "Because she is not only Brannon's Heir, but Mab's, too."
A throwback to her great-great-grandmother, Maeve had taunted her. Who had inherited her strength, her immortal lifespan.
Aelin's fingers closed around the crown, lifting it gently. It sparkled like living moonlight between her hands.
My sister Mab's line ran true, Elide claimed Maeve had said on the beach. In every way, it seemed.
But Aelin made no move to don the crown while she approached him once more, her gait steadier this time. Trying not to dwell on the unbearable smoothness of her hand as it wrapped around his, Rowan helped her aboard, then climbed in himself before freeing the ropes tethering them to the shore.
Gavriel went on, awe in every word, "And that makes her their queen, too."
Aelin met Gavriel's gaze, the crown near-glowing in her hands. "Yes," was all she said as the boat sailed into the darkness.
#Chapter 35#Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius#Rowan Whitethorn#Rowaelin#Rowaelin chapters#Rowaelin quotes#Rowaelin moments#Aelin Ashryver Whitethorn Galathynius#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#spoilers in post & tags please no spoilers up to this ch. first read with me cry with me pt. 2 perspective Rowan#That lake water had never seen sunlight had flowed from the dark cold heart of the mountains themselves. — she is the sun and the heart#It would kill even the most hardened of Fae warriors within minutes. Yet there was Aelin swimming as if it were a sun-warmed forest pool.#her faintly glowing body. As if the water had peeled away the skin of the woman and revealed the blazing soul beneath.#But that glow faded with each passing breath she emerged to take dimming further each time she plunged beneath the surface.#internal inferno-or simply because she first wanted to wash away the stain of Cairn? Perhaps both.-She didn’t trust her power on land#The Celaena freedom vibes hurt-Lorcan god on his shoulder-OMG do her&Manon share crowns?#At least she'd begun speaking her eyes clearing a bit. — the glow still barely clinging — the way he just wants her to be ok#You could join me she said at last No heat in her words yet he felt the invitation. — but rather to be WITH her#She did no such thing her arms continuing their sweeping circles in the water. Aelin only stared at him again in that grave cautious way.#real or not real — a god in her own might — as if she could see the world beyond it; worlds; the queen to walk between worlds#Too soon to push—if ever. — he’d hear them when she was ready — if the time never came he’d love her anyways — it’s how they fell#what illusion? night made of dream. or the worst; both.#the way he knows the date with her just like Lyria — him offering to cut her hair — knowing she needs to remember — no fear of lakes anymor#all the Mistward paralells — I didn’t break — I know — I’m tired; ITS ALL THE TROPES#she’s making me think of Annie from HG — THE WAY HE LOVES HER — no rage just trust — everytime he calls her Fireheart#the two of them worrying the other would be upset and feeling guilty while there not — the way Chaol described as a wolf&he just sees as is#he just wants to hold her-how she goes to him-hes just happy to beWher-what if-known-it switched THEIR-she isTHEspark-Lorcan almost-no fued#HeirofMab-shes why-Rowan loves nomatter-on his knees to apologize-had Lys been pretending to be him?blind eels4ladyTHXlilfolk-Gavriel the#longsufferingbuffer-FenrysKNEW-more iron-moon star&Sun2stars-but Aelin never wanted that-she'd give it all-my favoriteCh.RowanSimp4his wif
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theres just something about being inherently unworthy of love
#the cycle of i need to make friends. i need attention. why would someone bother with me? i dont have anything to give. are we friends? why#arent you paying attention to me? tell me that you love me. but it could never be sincere towards someone like me. i cant be loved.#love isnt real. i am love. i am the only one who loves. it hurts. why cant i be loved? is anyone else real? is this a dream? am i dead? is#this hell? whats real is fake and whats fake is real. its wonderland. rabbits talk cookies make you big or small everyone is so confusing.#do others love me or hate me or feel indifferent? it seems to switch as random. one day you'll adore me the next its as if we never met. and#i have to keep making friends. i cant keep making friends. if i dont i'll end up with no friends. i dont know how to make more friends.#clinging to bubbles floating up scrambling to catch another as it pops so you dont fall. everyone blends together whats what whos who?#in the span of a few years i feel like an immortal tortured with the despair of outliving all their relationships#except everyone is perfectly alive just out of reach. but i cant just talk to people. thats bad. no one wants me. i cant do that to someone.#every bubble pops at some point. i cant find anything sturdier. fleeting bursts of attention are ok for now#but i cant even get that. so what do i do? i want to sacrifice myself to make people like me but i have nothing left to give.#whats the point of me? if i cant love and be loved if i cant find more than a few people who will stay for more than a second. what do i#have to do? please tell me what you want. i'm sure i can do it somehow. can i do it somehow? i cant. i cant. i cant anymore. im sorry. just#forget about me. you dont need me. youll be happier when you dont even know who i am anymore. i can disappear without a trace for you. thats#all i can do. take the weight off our shoulders. im just using you if you think about it anyways. to feed my own selfish desire for love i#never deserved. keep myself afloat while i drag you down. isnt it time for me to sink? in a shark attack punch it in the gills. youll be ok.#more than ok. free. i didnt want to bite your leg but i just needed something anything. i dont know any better and i never will. thats why i#belong in the depths where i cant hurt anyone. i cant do anything but hurt. what more am i good for? what more have i done? what have i done#for you? think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it. think about it.#its nothing.
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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goddamn i gotta figure out what the hell my horrortale self insert does in the underground. i know everything about their life before that and HOW they get there but i have no idea what the fuck they do once theyre actually DOWN there
also i ran out of tags im saying this here as an addition so you know why they just sorta end abruptly. lol. everyone say thank you to my habit of talking in the tags cause i dont want people to see the shit i say
#cherry chats#i wrote down all their rich lore i dont think i ever posted it and i doubt i ever will#not cause i dont wanna in fact its the opposite but itd basically be a huge trauma dump and theres not a person on earth whod wana hear that#and i also wouldnt wanna subject anyone to that cause its not really their problem lol#not that i mind talking about it or whatever. but still itd put whoever this theoretical person im tellin it to in an uncomfortable position#so eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ bottom line is evil shit hospital -> escapes and is chased up the mountain -> jumps down a big hole lawl#but anyway i have no idea what the fuck they do once theyre down there#i mightve said this already but theyre really resilient towards the conditions down there? theyve never eaten real food and they dont feel#hunger (arfid yo 👍) so if you tried to give them proper food theyd be like. i dont know what to do with this ?#and theyre used to the cold cause of how shit that goddamn hospital was so even when theyre going through snowdin barefoot theyre like.#ok this is fine ^_^#theyre also used to physical pain and also theyre on 800 different messed up meds so if they get hurt that hardly bothers them#its like. a numb sort of pain. like the phantom pains you get when you get injured or killed in a dream#they also think sans is really funny even when he tries to get under their skin with morbid humor#their whole existence is basically morbid so theyre just like hehehe ^_^ your funny#BUT NONE OF THAT EXPLAINS WHAT THE HELL THEY DO IN THE UNDERGROUND!!!!!!!!!#i guess for starters theres no way theyd ever wanna go BACK to the surface so jot that down#i guess. maybe since they wouldnt have access to the medication and drugs theyre always on theyd change?#i think theyd go from a foggy detached empty dissociative state to being actually AWARE for once#after theyve been there for a little while maybe theyd even start. brace yourselves. FEEL things#like uh. emotions. and stuff like that#so instead of an empty miserable shell theyd be able to experience excitement or curiosity. or the human emotion called friendship#do they……… live with sans and papyrus? thatd make the most sense i guess#also thats the only place theyd be safe from being eaten alive lol#i guess they could live with toriel? maybe they go back to the ruins after theyve escaped#but then they couldnt hang out with sans and papyrus as much. and thats lame#maybe they live with the skelebros under the guise of being some sort of weird. pet or something#ummm. nah……. thats weird#ok so i guess i dont know what the hell my self insert does in the underground only how they change when they grt there. whatever#its not like im a WRITER. i dont know all this stuff what do you thinj i am omniscient????
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motherfucker who had a legit phobia of zombies watching the last of us hbo: oh mein gott why are there zombies in here. this is just like the video game
#i have a whole backstory about zombies and its personally very funny to me#see my parents took me to see RE retribution in the theatres and it fucked me up so bad i started looking for hiding places wherever i went#and i would constantly have nightmares abt it#scared me shitless#and then it just didnt stop happening. so eventually i started getting used to it#the funniest dream i ever had was there was a zombie right in front of me but it would keep ignoring me#i went over and even tapped it on the shoulder and still nothing#so iwas like. Ok. whatever#anyway 90% of the dreams i still get/really remember are nightmares#and i still get a v interesting zombie apocalypse one every once in a while#dreams are so weird. sometimes theyre so vivid and feel so real#and the world feels. intriguing especially after you wake up because suddenly you realize how different it actually was#op
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so close to being done with one step in the larger step in the larger step of the spreadsheet.
i ran out of space in the tags so im continuing them under the cut bc i wasnt finished... and if you let me finish i would of finshed my santance
anyways i have some countries like. the borders r pretty close to irl countries and i have them in my notes as x country but other ones i split them into like. just smaller subregions of the continent based on irl like. regions. like i split africa into . Madagascar + East Africa + Central Africa + Southern Africa + Western Africa + Northern Africa and its referenced off of maps where those r like. the recognized regions (well. madagascar is usually just counted as either east or southern africa but yk). but idk... im worried its a shitty thing 2 do i just dont know what else 2 do with it. maybe i should just use an actual world map instead since im going more realistic with like. the time periods and stuff. IDK i just rly wanna avoid the shit the sims does so much where it lumps a bunch of cultures together like. the chinese world in ts3 world adventures having a torii gate for the icon. -_- yk. the map was kinda superfluous anyway and more judt a way to visualize where the worlds we have were distributed + also was mostly influenced by that one ts4 mod which takes that more simplistic approach but maybe i can just step away from that and just go more realism based Its just hard bc i dont wanna like. lose the more like. silly isnt quite the word (itis kind of but not fully) ig i mean i dont wanna lose the abstraction kind of thing the sims has. but like. I am auite literally making a spreadsheet to get rid of some of the abstraction the sims has so what am i on about. IDK i just have been thinking abt it a lot basically... like sims im already making shit up and locking the sims to like real world history stuff it only makes sense to like. do the same thing with The world and not have it be abstracted. so yes that was a lot of words to say i think im just gonna move to thinking of the sims as living on Basically earth. In my personal the sims palace that ive made up. this is not to say i personally think of the sims as tkaing place on earth or anything ive just decided to do like. Bc this whole thing is basically an au im making anyway like. taking ts3 sims and making them be from the 1950s thats already Not what the game is like. so ill just make it a Realworld sims au. ok yay 👍 thats all sorry for talking sm abt something so pointless and also for not using a SINGLE paragraph break im basically just writing in this like i write in the tags (stream of consciousness) but the tags have the benefit of being naturally split up so yes i dont think anybody is reading this far. when i was little and playing skyward sword for the first time roughly 7-8 years old i got to the like trial on skyloft and i got so scared i smashed the cd so that i wouldnt have to do it . and then i blamed my dog for it. and i did this even tho lamp had JUST started a skyward sword playthru which idk if i knew at the time but i do feel rly guilty abt it. but i was rly scared. ok thats all
#phoebe asked 2 play mc tho so im done for the day..#i just have to do umm. i only have one world left in the 1950 portion of the ts3 worlds#and ive decided to go back and add all the homeless sims and MAYYYYBE npcs and shit but thatll be later. and ill probably do something more#fun first...#but. im excited to be done w this. and once im done with that last 1950 world (starlight shores) i only have 6-8 left Depending on if i#decide to do lunar lakes and oasis landing which i might not whos to say. its looking like i will tho -_-#im also umm debating bc i have bridgeport as set in 2000 but idr why so i mighttt change that#Also disclaimer all my times for the worlds r made up just 4 me and its all on a whim. ive changed where roaring heights is like 8000 times#and i fucked up actually bc i forgot abt the umm. was it the capps. i forgot they were there when i had it set in the 50s#but i was looking at the townies and i liked it better being 1925 basically. even tho that contradicts the capps#so currently i just have the capps going off ot it being set in 1950 and every body else is based on it being 1925. My spreadsheet and i#make the rules and 1925 would conflict with all the capps shit and i dontt wanna deal with it again . so yes#but ya. idr why i put bridgeport was 2000 it mightve just been a vibes thing... and also bc none of the other ts3 worlds r set around 2000#iny my mind and i was like well maybe there could be one.. but i might change that bc appaloosa plains has like. soo many bridgeport#references. and also i might have to change where i arbitrarily decided bridgeport is bc i likee. i did those ages ago and i put it#australia Mostly bc there r no other australian worlds . aside from like pleasantview/strangeview/melbourne from the console games but . 1.#im not counting console games 2. melbourne is a real life place in real life#so ya. i out it there bc on the wiki it was like Wellll it kinda looks like ok i just looked on the wiki to back up my claim and thats#literally gone ok . i have to move it out of australia#THERE R JUST SO MANY USA INSPIRED WORLDS ive tried to scatter them around.. ohwell. my dream is one day ill get so good with the ts3 world#editor and ill simply make it all. but you know how it is... i dont think thatll happen. (#but maybe one day. if i can ever get ts3 to work for me again FNFNFJFBFJFN#but ya. bc its the same thing i did with appaloosa plains where the entire thing was like Its based on the midwest and also arizona and i#ignoredall that and focused on the part where they said 'with a splash of ky green' and went Ohhh its based in kentucky its a kentucky world#based on kentucky GOT IT 👍👍#also bc i have the usa divided into subdistricts and such Speaking of i rly kinda just wanna redo my entire sims map ive been struggling#with it recently#bc im trying to have it Abstracted from irl while still being like. Sims. but i also worry that im being evil by grouping countries together#into bigger ones... esp w like how ppl just lump in asian and african countries altogether anyways i worry im doing the same thing eveb if#its not my intention . + it just makes it weirder when a country Is more by itself like. currently i have china and japan like. similar to
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Vibrates. Normal. I'm normal. I'm so normal.
#rat rambles#oni posting#oh god oh fuck I just opened the steam page to wishlist it and guys guys guys there may or may not be a new dupe#either that or its just hinting at future customization options that include hair but idk#I have thoughts and ideas that are vague and based on very little but I am fucking loosing it yall#also the planet being another cold one is just the icing on the cake for me as the number one rime enjoyer#and new temperature mechanics sound fun and Im rly hoping that with the dlc cold will actually matter more#because from my time playing it being too cold basically only matters for food and water and is otherwise mostly a good thing#yeah your dupes will cry abt it but as far as I know it kind of cant kill them#so while part of why I like rime is that I find the cold to be a boon more than anything I hope ut becomes more of a legit problem here#anyways this is all to distract myself from the real thing thats making me tremble with both excitement and fear and thats lore#they have to add new lore and theyre going to and Im scared guys its happening#ok ok to keep distracting myself from that I love how everyone is characterized in the new short its delightful#again I absolutely adore jean being a grumpy old fart its my favorite thing#I also love liam being all like oh grandpa lets get you to bed aby jorge dgskhsjd#also was jorge breaking in with the story trait stuff or trying to shove it in a closet or smth? idk#anyways I think the idea of the dupes treating jorge like the colony grandpa is very funny old man dupe alert hes older than 2 weeks#honestly the combination of jorge and this potential new dupe has me thinking abt some stuff#cause like it is a bit odd how in game jorge is completely unique and the pod doesnt have the data for his blueprint#now its possible that some data was lost or smth but Im leaning towards there's other dupes who have blueprints and stuff but they were#removed from later pods to save space for more important data#or maybe there was some reason why certain dupes had to be discontinued because of the dupes themselves#I think itd make a lot of sense for there to be other dupe blueprints floating around too since presumably gravitas had access to the dna#of all of their employees and evidently even some non employees considering dupe quinn exists#so itd make some sense for there to be dupe blueprints for even more scientists that worked at gravitas#this also gives room for them to make dupes for any potential randos that currently exist in the oni logs like dr.holland#(dr.holland may be a dupe we already know but yknow he could also be made into a completely new guy if they so desired)#oh oh wait new critters and plants means that our plant and animal guys get to talk more yippee 🎉#oh maybe we'll even have confirmation of who they are through this#probably not but I can dream
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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(
#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of#last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going#i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year#i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh#im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is#so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that#i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up#and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm#man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it#and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps#like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real#and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn#ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it#and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually#but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm#ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by#ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit#ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway#okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries#maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then
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is there any worse feeling than when you feel like someone is mad at you bc they literally are mad at you
#i came into the living room and my dad was yelling abt how he basically hates everyone in the whole family#bc nobody got around to reqding the latest chapter of his book yet#but he was really upset and mad#i get being hurt by that but it literally is not a personal rejection people are just busy idk#he didn't let on he was upset at all until he completely flipped out#now he doesn't want anyone to read it anymore#he's really hurt tho bc we all always read my mom's stuff#and my brother and i talk abt what we're writing together all the time#and i get there's a special kind of hoy sharing your writing with someone but only when they're really interested and engaged#unfortunately the two people most likely to care abt hia book are my two oldest brothers and they dont live w us#so they cant really give him that feedback#he did send hia chapters to them but they arent around to talk abt it and havent responded yet#basically nobody actually cares abt his book#he's been talking abt writing one for like ten years or more and only started in the past few months#its a zombie book and full of his really weird and controversial political and religious takes tho sp its a stressful read#i dont really agree w him on certain issues and we're ok abt it usually but it makes reading it more stressful#anyway#he's really upset tho#and he can only express unpleasant emotions through anger so i shut down and cant interact#and he specifically said he doesnt want people do do the thing he's so hurt that we didnt do#so there's no real way to set things right to alleviate my anxiety#he's a very difficult person to love with sometimes but he's really generous and has done a lot to help me#so i can live my dream and start a business and he's not really pressuring me abt my job seaech and rent and stuff#so it does make me feel guilty that i basically didn't care abt his book#it wouldnt be as bad if literally everyone in the family hadn't also done that#when he does to much for everyone#he's mad at everyone but im the only one having a panic attack and im the only one he didn't yell at#he's not handling his emotions well but neither do i so we usually just dont acknowledge things like this until everyone is over it#but i hate that i literally need conflict to be resolved immediately or i go insane
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One day I'll share with the class
i need everyone that has a wizard101 oc to tell me about them in the notes. like now. im so infatuated give me every thought
#Ok so very close to the game honestly#Roslyn is a gal from earth. About as much belief in magic as there is our world#Roslyn believes in it though she's reading every book and pissed off about magicians. She got them cyrstals and summoning and all that.#Has no clue what real magic looks like BUT at a young age actually manages to summon something! A being made of crystal who's a trader.#A trader of body parts! They find living beings so beautiful like we find crystals beautiful. The crystal body parts also come with cool#magic enhancements. Roslyn trades her eyes for some crystal ones and now she can see magic (an explaination for game UI)#Pretty useless on earth. And a heart. Because Roslyn is depressed and sad and her heart isn't good quality so she trades her vocal cords#Trader holds onto the heart in case she ever needs it later. New heart makes her super caring about people#feels like herself again! It does NOT help her isolation! It only gets worse now she can't speak! Seen as useless and just sorta a ghost#11 years old runs away because she's sick of it and oopsie she's now freezing to death in the local woods until Ambrose appears#Figures she's dreaming as she's dying and got nothing to lose. Ends up in spiral and spends half an hour getting robes that fit her (tiny)#and wondering what this dream is before the tutorial happens#Boom Hero made. Myth student!#Then I have a few universes for what happens but generally there's a base game route#and a route where she befriends all the death students and brings them along for act 1#Which leads to them actually getting through to Maliaster and Roslyn Not Killing him#If Roslyn kills Maliaster or not is a major point in Roslyn's life#Anyways safe to say she's doing Just Fine through the arcs and if it weren't for her magically helping her be more kind and understanding#heart she'd have killed (again)#The silliest part is Roslyn never saves Morganthe but always finds herself reaching a hand out to catch her#She HATES and FEARS Morganthe but her body moves on its own to save her#She doesn't know how to feel about that. Or the fact it doesn't look like she's aging. Or that she only ever seems to gain more scars.#She freaked out when learning she was Bartleby's scion but had no time to process. Becoming the Divine Paradox fucked her up a bit honestly#She never knew the allure of power until she became a GOD temporily. She craves all the sensations to a slightly worrying degree.#Never breaks but it gets weird#I love her so much thanks for letting me ramble#She just wants to help (after arc 2 views herself more as a sacrifice than a hero)#This does not really get better (she cares too much about those in the spiral to stop but is now also aware#of how she REALLY shouldn't have been put in this role and just wants to make sure no one else ever has to)#Mellori and Dasein hurt her heart so much
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Me, watching reactions to that series again because I apparently like suffering: these men are breaking my heart just like the first time, why am i going through this again? i need to let it go
Me, days later, after more reaction watching, going through his fucking tag on this hell site: i am in emotional pain again haha here's for another month of suffering!
#im not even gonna... man they hurt me#like yeah i hurt for the couple and the protagonists and everyone too#but for some reason these three four five guys just ripped my heart idk why i got so attached to them#and so quickly also bc their screen time was... rather small idk#no it doesnt matter what the fuck im talking about just ignore me and my rants im just letting some feelings out to relieve pressure or smt#but yeah... and him in particular bc the dude playing him has such big brown puppy eyes and oh boy that face went stright for the heart#also he has a pretty moustache#yeah yeah he is pretty ok i admit it but i swear on my life i only realised that now on my reaction watching#or rather after that when i dreamed abt him no its not relevant ignore that to if youd please#THE POINT IS he hurt my feelings they hurt my feelings and the fact that there was real people they were based on is 100000 times worse#anyway where was i going with this? sorry got carried away i was going nowhere actually just ranting for the sake of ranting#and because this thing wont let me rest and i wont let it go apparently watching it at all that first time was a fucking mistake#anyway thats enough have a nice one!
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