#im so stressed im so overwhelmed its so difficult to work on art because of this

[shadyhouse]

.

[kkbardd]

hello! i haven’t sent an ask in a while because schoolwork has been piling up infinitely :[ , but your recent posts have been really interesting to me! i really liked the room sketch one, I can’t exactly explain why but there’s something so indescribably human about it. i love spaces that looked lived in, that have personality, and I think that your room (current one? made up? old one?) has done a great job of showing that. and I’m not very good at giving advice— I can hardly follow it myself, but if you don’t know something, don’t know what you want to do, try things. it’s okay if you don’t like them. i recently found out I’m more competent in languages than I thought! i can already read and understand simple sentences in german.

there’s always more to yourself than you’ll know, I think, but the world is kinder than people think. If anything, everyone is still very new at this. we’ve never lived before. do the things you like, branch out, don’t become less of yourself for other people. everything has a place, and my best advice is to treat life as you would a vacation. do all the things you can while you’re here. build a life that makes it worth it. (sorry for the long ask and my rambling, or if this is overstepping in any way. i just read what you wrote and kind of related to it in a way. thank you for continuing to create art, it brings me a lot of joy! :] )

hey isopod!!! thanks for the ask & I wish u good luck with ur school work!

Thank u so much for the compliments, im really glad the vibe of my room was conveyed in those doodles. i absolutely looove drawing my room! It’s extremely small (a renovated utility closet) and just barely fits a bed + my desk but its packed full of the things i love. It’s very lived in and I feel like it reflects my character well.

when i drew that page I was in my senior year of high school and pressures to decide my future were overwhelming. I never thought much about it until then and I didn’t have any idea of what I was going to do. The only thing I felt I had going for me was art but I didn’t want to turn my only hobby into a job I hated. I remember going through a master list of majors on random college websites and one-by-one asking myself if I’d be okay doing it. In the end I had nothing. I was really crushed about it and felt stuck. This was right after the covid quarantine too so focusing in school was difficult & I couldn’t bring myself to apply for scholarships. I started skipping classes, smoking weed, and pushing off my assignments. All of this only made me feel more miserable, of course, so everything seemed pretty bleak at the time.

But luckily I had the support of my family and especially my mother. She would always remind me that “we have option”, “we always have options”. Because I did! This was a fresh start to try my hand at a totally different experience than what I’ve done so far. I ended up choosing my major on a complete whim after hearing my aunt had a job in an adjacent field. I was pretty sure I’d drop out after a semester, yet here I am about to graduate soon & I’m having a ton of fun!! (Hell, I’m 10 hours out in the middle of nowhere right now for my Field Methods class!) It’s not that I had a knack for Geology that I just never tapped into, or that i secretly had a passion for rocks this entire time; I just found something that seemed like an okay fit and grew interest from there. I think that a small level of commitment like that is more than enough to get you going. I had a ton of ideas in my head about how I needed to have a perfect fit major that would connect every dot I’ve laid out in my life thus far, but that’s not true at all. Life is much more messy and unpredictable than that.

But enough of my rambling!! That time of my life may have been stressful but I’m very grateful that I went through it! It changed how I viewed problems and it taught me to always look for other options when everything seems helpless.

Thank u so much for ur encouragement, I really appreciate it <33 I completely agree with everything u said!! Life is an ever changing experience & often leads u in unpredictable directions!

[hackedmotionsensors]

I've been crying over this freelance project for the past hour bc I'm so stressed about it and I was supposed to be done last week but they kept me on bc they wanted more from the scene but I don't even know if I'm getting paid for the extra time and they split my earlier pay in half bc they also rushed up the deadline and now its 8p and Im so burnt out on this project and I'm going through the notes and I keep getting more and more scenes added to this and its so technically a difficult thing to draw bc they also made me work on this in photoshop instead of storyboard pro so I can't change things easily with vectors or transfer panels over normally I have to create whole new groups and its getting really overwhelming bc I have to finish merch work or it won't get sent out to the manus in time and I haven't even started holiday stuff for my family

My dad had eye surgery today and it slipped my mind because of this and I'm just.....I've never felt like I wanted to quit doing professional art so much. I also don't know what this project is FOR and

I'll probably delete this later for safety so please don't reblog this I just need to vent so I can stop crying. I don't know who to talk to professionally bc I don't want to bother anyone and I'm also at the point where I think ~I'M~ the probelm because I can't get this done.

Like I don't know when I'll get paid if this keeps getting pushed back and I was counting on the rest of the pay to pay my student loans but if this goes on even longer I won't have moeny for that LET ALONE christmas stuff or even getting stuff shipped to manu or paying my credit card and other bills like......

I hate this so much I feel like shit.

[kozukenkitten]

Hewwo! I was wondering if ya still open and if you have free time, Can i have a BNHA match-ups pretty please? If not, its okie!

👉👈

*Im actually 5'7 female, has short black hair and black eyes i wore sometimes glasses and I wear dark clothes.

*Favourite Colour: Violet/purple and Black

*Favourite Flower: Lavender

*My zodiac sign is Aries.

*My personality type is INFP

*Personality:

♡people see me that im always quiet, distant and emotionless, but for me im just (anxious) shy and yes im a quiet person, im afraid to socialize people because im kinda akward or anxious, if someone get to know me, im might kinda childish or playful it depends on my mood.(sometimes chaotic)

♡I have a terrible anxiety when i perform/observe/introduce infront of le people, i easily go panicked/ panic attack and shaking easily, even i socialize people because im terrible at it, but still try to communicate or interact.

♡And im a introvert, i like staying at home because its comfortable and enjoy le quietness.

♡Im having difficult controlling my emotions and my temper.

♡Im kinda insecure because of my own body or a scar on my cheek

*My hobbies is:

♡Drawing/doodling (sometimes draw in digital), whenever im alone or bored so i decide to draw,whenever people peeking my drawings, i suddenly quickly hid it or didnt show it because im to shy yo show it because my art/drawing wasnt that good, my art style is like an anime.

 ♡can do martial arts, i used it for self-defence.

Likes:

♡Reading books, i like to read science, poetry and arts.

♡Writing stories or letters (is embarrased/shy to show or read my stories)

♡Loves going le park, because its peaceful.

♡Listening music/songs (P!ATD or 17th Century music)

♡Volunteer/joining being a medic in school

♡Loves drinking slushies

♡Plushies

♡Sleeping (yes, i sleep, A LOT.)

♡Loves studying about insects

Pet Peeves:

💔loud noises/screaming/shouting

💔afraid being alone

💔afraid in the dark

*How i show affection:

♡The way i show affection is head patting, gives hugs or kisses. (This is how i comfort or i do it because i want to cuz why not? Im kinda clingy and likes giving some affection)

Thank you! 💕

Hi! I've matched you with Shota Aizawa (feat. Present Mic)!

Okay, okay, hear me out on the latter part. Present Mic's loud as hell under normal circumstances, yes. But around you? He is the most respectful, quiet, calm person. He deliberately speaks more quietly around you after he finds out that you're sensitive to loud or unexpected noises. He'll still be the same enthusiastic, energetic guy, but he'll be a lot more cognizant of his volume levels. He's so freaked by the idea of his quirk hurting you that he specifically avoids using it if you're around so he doesn't accidentally upset you or otherwise hurt your ears. And he'd be such fun for you to be around, jamming out to music together and snuggling! He'll occasionally work to get you out of the house (ie to the park or to the school), because he wants you to get some fresh air every once in a while and have a chance to socialize in a low-stress environment (ie with the students, all of whom are very respectful of your introversion, and are very interested in learning more about their teachers' partner).

Shota, on the other hand, seems to be a pretty obvious fit. This man will invite you into his sleeping bag (with or without him in it) for a nap between classes or whenever you're feeling overwhelmed by being around the students, and will gladly cuddle in bed with you at home before and after work. He'll also ensure there's access to plenty of interesting books to read in his classroom (most of which were picked out by Nezu himself from the library to pique your specific interests at Shota's request). If there's an insectoid student, they're quick to discuss setting up a meeting between you and the student as long as the student's cool with it, so you can ask whatever questions you may want about their insect-like qualities, to offer you a unique perspective on one of your special interests.

Between these two, you'll never have a dull day if you don't want to. They're good at lazy days in, but are also good at fun days out, so whatever you're in the mood for, they've got you all set.

Scars? These guys both have plenty of their own, so that won't bother them in the slightest. In fact, to them, it's just another small part of the story of how you became who you are, so they're quite pleased when you finally feel comfortable telling them what happened to lead to the scar's creation, and they're glad to share the stories of their own scars as well.

[6loodlvstt]

I usually play videogames with no audio cuz when I have it on I get easily bored. For example last month I started pokemon sword and tbh never played it with vol on and when I did that for the first time I was like “? Why the sounds are so annoying?”. Idk probably I’m weird but I get easily overwhelmed with sounds. It’s kinda funny because when I listen to music I listen to black metal/rock in general. But when I’m busy drawing things I like to listen to true crime podcasts. Yeah I’m one of those obsessed with serial killers cases.

And yeah, fear and hunger is just straight up hard. I was surprised the first time but I’m still trying to finish it (I want to die/hj). So far I’m loving sm hades! The character designs are so pretty? Ofc I like Dionysus the most, he was and still is my favorite icon. Just to ask, who’s your fav greek mythological figure? I’m curious. Personally I’m also extremely into the myth of Hyacinth the most. Probably I read too many graphic novels about him ahah. And! Are you perhaps also into egyptian mythology? Since I was a kid I was so obsessed with mummies and the first time I saw one I was so anxious lol.

When I was in school I also had problems at school, mostly because at the time I was the only emo kid and all my classmates were… normal? I liked to dress black, enjoyed spending time writing horror stories and I was a major creepypasta lover. But I genuinely sucked at oral tests. Probably you only had some random quizzes but where I live we also have oral ones. And I fucking hated to speak in front of people. So drawing during classes was a sort of stress relief to my anxiety! So I completely get you :(

This is funny but I always was extremely talented at singing, although at some point I started to find annoying to perform in front of people. And in general the idea of studying in theater looked “uncool” in my teen years. Now I completely changed opinion and I’m a musical fan lol. My family always tried to push me into trying this world in some ways through the years and only some months ago I finally decided to open up. It’s scary tho. You shouldn’t gave up your dreams. Realistically speaking you can start studying in the future if you really want to pursuit violin! ^^

What are you doing now? I hope everything’s going well! <3 -🩹

i always play with audio on since a lot of games i play have audio cues into it, but i understand sometimes the game sounds can be annoying

god me too, to all of the music and the true crime; i mainly liten to true crime at work tho or when im playing minecraft for some strange reason

it sounds like a pain but i so get that,,

my favorite always has been aphrodite and always will be <3

i used to be kinda an egyptian myth nerd but i would have to relearn a lot tbh

sometimes we had presentations tests so i think thats as close to relating with the oral tests but the rest i totally understand

my family is kinda controlling of what i do, if they dont like that i picked up a hobby or something they let me know, like cosplaying for example i find it really difficult because my dads a little creepy and my mom refuses to acknowledge or be arpund me if she notices that i am and its to the point that it becomes a really big problem in my house so now ive got like really expensive cosplays and o barely do it anymore to keep some peace in my house ueue when i move out ill probably pick up a lot of my old hobbies like cosplay, art, streaming, and music stuff maybe ill even pick back up baking who knows!

im still playing dead space tbh,, its so fun but i just asked my brother a steam question and he closed out of dead space so i just lost a good chunk of progress sigghhhh, i hope your days been going well too though :D tell me if you do anything fun <3

[jules-hime]

Where I´ve been

Hey beautiful people of Tumblr! Just wanted to check in and tell you a little bit about what i´ve been doing and if ill continue posting art! These past couple of months have been very difficult for me, struggling with mental health, feeling really stressed with my last steps of graduating college. Once i finished my last thesis work, a big cloud of sadness, and anxiety occupied my mind, and all of a sudden i had to stop doing everything. Couldn´t draw, couldn't create, or think about making art, neither enjoying entering social media and watching other artists that once inspired me. I felt real scared, anxious, feeling that i was never going to achieve anything, or that my future was not as promising as i once imagined. I guess what overwhelmed me was the question of "whats next?" once i finished doing a project that took me years, which is me graduating from art school. I don´t know if anyone ever felt that sense of emptiness after graduating, but i felt it HARD. Couldn´t get out of bed, couldn´t enter social media because everywhere i looked everybody else was making something, sharing their progress, their success, in art, or in life in general, and i was just laying in my bed trying to simply exist and not fear everything.

I guess this was just my body and mind forcing me to stop, to rest, to digest everything that happened in these years, that i never stopped one second to accept or even see how i felt about, like the pandemic, personal problems, my thesis project which was STRESSFUL AS F*CK. Anyways, sometimes we need to stop and rest, and i hope i didn´t have to get to that point where my own body forces me to do so, but i also think it was much needed. To acknowledge my feelings, my stress (i used to think there was no time to be anxious or worry because i had so much to get done, and i couldn´t stop to cry or let myself relax), my anxiety (i do have so many fears that, i imagine, were just waiting the exact moment i finished being busy to rush in all together), that my body did need some rest, a vacation from all the work, and that sometimes its more about the journey than the finish line.

I feel like this is the first time i open up on the internet about something so personal! And im really happy about it!

Of course now i am feeling much better, those days of not being able to get out of bed passed, and i can now sit on my computer to write this! Which i think is just an improvement and feel so proud of that. I learned these months (researching about and anxiety and how to deal with it) that maybe success might look like achieving all of our goals, but it can also look like finally being able to get out of bed and simply going for a walk, being able to take a break and just breathe. So i would like to remind everyone that its important to take breaks, rest, take care of ourselves, listening to our bodies and what they are trying to tell us. Your mental and physical health always come first, no matter what, you always come first, and your value is not defined of what you can achieve, you are important just for existing, and living your life in whatever way you think best!

Sooo about my art, of course i´ll keep sharing my art! I see there´s more art of mine to come next year, because im feeling like creating a lot! So stay tuned, thanks for every type of support you gave me this year, and hope you have a great New Year and always take care of yourselves! See you next year!

Jules :D

[whaleofatjme1920]

hi!! these match up things seemed really sweet and fun and if its all good id love to submit a thing!! with creepypasta if that alright! no nsfw please, just the romance stuff! :]

my name is Kris and im a Capricorn, my birthday is actually next month- ill be 19 then! :O I use they/them pronouns and im bisexual!

I'm an freelance illustrator and im in a local community college working for a degree in fine art and business. I'm a huge fan of body modification though !! I love tattoos and plan on splitting my tounge, stretching my ears, and if the procedure was safer I would love to tattoo my eyes.

I'm extremely empathic, while its great for understanding others struggles, its difficult for me to stay calm and rational. because of that I often avoid talking to people and get overwhelmed very quickly, which I know can upset the people I interact with. however I very much enjoy quiet quality time! I often find myself doing a lot of the planning for events, while its stressful i like having control and knowing what's going to happen. I'm not a huge fan of surprises! im a loyal person, its failed me in the past, especially forgiving when I shouldn't have, but if there's someone I love im going to stick by until the bitter end. my love language is definitely words of affirmation or physical touch !! really depends on how im doing, sometimes I cant stand touch :[. I'm also very proud of my hair, I enjoy cutting and dying it very much!! ive had every colour in my hair, and currently its short and black. not exactly on purpose- I accidentally slipped with a razor and buzzed a line down the middle of my head ... I'm also 5'4! I wish I was taller though, so I usually wear small platformed boots and clothes that elongate me a bit! ive got some sick dark green and black cargo pants I like to sew fun patches on :]

I love dusk and stargazing, and purple is my favourite colour! and i seriously love sitting down and watching movies, regardless of how good or bad they are. my favourite animal is a bear, I own a jade bear necklace that was gifted to me on my birthday a few years ago- I wear it everyday. I also collect anything related to bears! especially teddy bears. I currently have a soft pullover with bears on it, its my favourite pullover rn!! I also love graphic novels, I own a small collection of them along with some cool rocks and skulls ive found.

sorry if this wasn't in-depth enough !! im a little nervous, i haven't been able to engage in a lot of the old things im interested in! people are very judgey :[[ I hope you're having a wonderful day/night!!

Your matchup is... Puppeteer!

[Disclaimer, if you're coming from the tags, this is part of a special event I am holding from November 17th to the 21st where I am accepting matchups from all fandoms I currently write for. Feel free to check out my 1K celebration masterlist here for rules during the window this event is open! If it's past the 21st midnight USA central time, do NOT send me a matchup. I will have to politely turn you down. Sorry </3]

In General

I actually wanted to answer this last night but it took me a few to actually place you? I wanted you with Toby, or with maybe even BEN but I actually really like you and Jonathan together and well, I'm going to explain that now.

Things He Likes About You

SO, right to the most obvious thing that made me want to pair the two of you together was the art. Jonathan is an artist through and through, mostly through physical crafts and poetry. He loves that you're into body mods and will absolutely compliment the new things you do, such as piercings, tattoos (he'd love to design one if you'd let him-), and thinks splitting your tongue is SO COOL. If the procedure was safer, he'd joke about you getting your eyes done gold to match his lmfao. Finds you being empathetic oh so sweet. Your loving, sweet nature makes him naturally drawn to you that he has to actively remind himself that you are off the table from people he normally siphons from - he would never hurt you. Jonathan loves the dusk and evening an stargazing. I'll come back to this though. Thinks that you loving bears is adorable. BUT that leads me to the next section.

You Two as a Couple

This man, after finding out about your love of bears, is going to get you one of those giant CVS bears lmfao. He'll also pick up graphic novels for you from time to time, and little pieces of jewelry he thinks you might like for your piercings depending on your style and what not. I would say Jonathan's love languages are words of affirmation an quality time - but, like hey, I think he's pretty good at physical touch. He will call you so many sweet things, how much he loves you, little compliments, like he writes poetry for you he's such a sofite. The two of you have little art dates, teach him about certain things and he'll teach you other things as an exchange. It's really sweet. Soft evenings, drinking good things. He loves your hair, finds the story kind of silly but he likes it. Jonathan is into stargazing because he got bored over a summer and learned the constellations. Found a deep love for the night, and looks at the stars like golden threads. He'll spend those times with you by pointing out the stars, their names, their stories. Jonathan knows that you're a loyal person, and he will never betray that. Jonathan can absolutely stay in rational thought and is mostly logical, but like, if you're ever overwhelmed he will handle it. He wants you to be in a sound state of mind, y'know? Jonathan will also help you plan things, really anything to ease your mind. He's really perceptive to other people and their feelings, so I feel he can read you really, really well. I feel Jonathan would also want to dye your hair at least once because he has a really good eye for colors. I don't actually see any clashing here because Jonathan kinda likes handling things?? He's not really controlling or anything, knows when to give you your space, and generally meshes with you pretty well. He's also kinda tall, so he appreciates that you wear the platforms to he can give you smooches, like on your cheeks, lips, but mostly the crown of your head! New otp ngl.

Closing Thoughts/Other Things

Hi love bug, what a pleasure it was doing a matchup for you! You wrote me a lovely amount, and I'm so sorry people are rude/judgey. I love that your whole thing is bears, they're such fantastic creatures. ALSO, the eye tattoos are so cool, but the risks make me :( I digress, lots of love to you and I hope you enjoyed <3

[whumpmatsus]

Is it alright if i ask for something comforting with the matsuno boys? Its just that i feel overwhelmed with my life lately. On one hand i got the job i wanted but on the other hand im expected to just suck it up, be an "adult" and abandon my hobbies or other skill learnings that i have been so proud of- funny enough i was encouraged but then suddenly im expected to leave everything and dont have a decent balance? Im so confused by the way im treated and by the expectations that others have from me. Even art doesnt feel as enjoyable i feel guilty picking up a pencil because im scared ive wasted time on not studying or if i dont make a certain deadline. Everything is about " completing tasks as quickly as possible" i feel like i havent stopped and caught my breath for so long. Your writings are very soothing esp in this field, of course you dont have to pressure yourself to write it quickly or anything! Keep it at your own pace! i guess its because of this hectic looking life that i find osomatsu san so comforting right now.

AH MAN honey....... I totally getchu, I feel like this a lot too

I'm not in college/university or anything yet, but I do work in a fast-paced environment where sometimes it feels like lots of stress for little money and when I get home, even after not working very long, a lot of the time I'm just too tired to do the stuff I enjoy. it's a little better on some days, but this feeling is SO understandable and I'm sure lots of other people can relate too

honestly that's probably why I find these boys so comforting too, just thinking about goofing off and having fun with them is such a great escape 🖤

I hope this is a comfort for you, bb!!! 🤗

-

❤️ Osomatsu's solution is literally to just drag you out to do something fun with him! As far as he's concerned, you need to chill, big time, so why not dinner and drinks or pachinko or something? An hour or two relaxing isn't gonna fuck up your whole life or anything, so Osomatsu being Osomatsu, he's not taking no for an answer. He makes sure you have a good time, but he's actually responsible in also making sure he doesn't keep you away too long. He'll even help you study after the fun's over, if you want; he's good at flash cards, because his reward system is that every time you get one right, he gives you a kiss! (... And/or, maybe something a little dirtier, if you prefer~)

💙 Karamatsu has been trying to find his own balance lately, so he certainly understands where you're coming from. He knows it's difficult, and the anxiety that comes with feeling like you've wasted time. After all, time is limited, and once it's gone, there's no getting it back. But he's also slowly learning to remind himself that if you're not enjoying your life, then what's the point of all the work? So he somehow manages to coax you away from it, doing your own hobby sitting side by side with him while he plays guitar. Just for a little bit; because if something makes you happy, it's never a waste of time.

💚 Choromatsu feels the same way maybe more than anyone, and he's never sure what to do about his own feelings. He works as hard as he can, but in the end, he always feels like he could have done more and not slacked off so much. He's just kind of accepted those feelings. When it's you, though... he can't stand seeing you so anxious and worried. He'll gather up all his courage and sit down next to you, leaning his head on your shoulder. He takes your hand and murmurs softly that you've earned a break, it's time to do something fun. He's here to spend time with you now, so maybe the two of you can focus on something else for a little bit.

💜 Ichimatsu couldn't really care less about all this stuff that's making you stressed and unhappy, but he knows it's something you want to do. Just... maybe a little less. He'd tell you to just give it up if it's stressing you out, except he knows you don't want to do that, so he can't really say that. Still, balance is important. People just shouldn't be pushing at you. As someone who has a hard time feeling his feelings, it makes him a little angry that you're being pressured to just never be happy again. It should be the opposite. In true catlike fashion, when he thinks you need a break, he kind of just... pushes himself into your lap, shoving everything else away. Just cuddle for a little bit, and then you can get back to all this other shit.

💛 Jyushimatsu is pretty sure everything you're working on is really really stressful, so, why don't you just take a break?? He doesn't quite get how pressured you feel or what the anxiety is like, simply because he doesn't usually deal with those things. It's pretty clear how much this is affecting you, though; if he plays too much baseball in a day, it makes him sore, so he likens the same thing happening to your brain and feelings. That means you need to relax and not overdo it! Putting that into practice is harder. But, that's what he's here for! His favorite method of getting you to take a break is to make you laugh so hard you literally can't do anything else for a minute. Then maybe some snuggles, because, well, he knows you can't say no to him wanting to snuggle!

💖Totty is working part-time himself, so he knows work schedules can be hectic as fuck, plus all the studying you're doing on top of that? He's a little surprised you haven't keeled over yet. You work really hard, and that's a good thing... but it can also be bad for you. So he'd like to see you being a bit less hard on yourself. You're only human, you know? You're just one person! You need to take breaks to be able to function properly, and doing things you like is one of the things that makes all the work worth it. He can be sort of manipulative about it, only because he knows being direct probably isn't going to work. He starts with massaging your shoulders and giving you kisses, talking about how much nicer it'd be if you did something else for a bit. If he can drag you away from everything else, maybe get you to do a face mask or take a bath with him, just relax, he'll count it as a win.

[rcsefleur-blog]

hi all !! this is an introduction to my freshest muse and newest baby yeo eunchan otherwise and more commonly known as ‘chan’, he’s a sweetheart but of course because its me and i can’t resist giving my muses slight torture, he’s a tormented sweetheart. if you look at his pinterest here you’ll get an idea of his style better since that’s pretty essential to him as a muse in this case hshd. below the cut you can find out a bit more about him and if you hit the like, i’ll be sure to throw him at you for plots !! lets get into it: 

BACKSTORY: 

chan’s childhood wasn’t particularly dark or strained. he is by far the least tragic out of all my muses. but for me, that’s still pretty tragic by mosts standards. growing up he always had a very supportive father in regard to his homosexuality and androgynous qualities. he grew up in a happy home and despite not being rich he was very fortunate to have rich opportunities come his way. to be fair he’s pretty easily pleased but most of his experiences thus far have been plentiful

perhaps that is why his luck has to run out somewhere down the line, in the worst way it possibly could. his mother passed when he was young due to cancer. it was a grave and difficult time for his father as well as the rest of the family. his father crumbled eventually, in the hospital with health issues now that are so severe he’s due to pass any day and is basically in a vegetative state already. chan was left to raise his five year old sister nari and take on the responsibility. 

for this reason, he could be considered a struggling single father as he’s pushing his own dreams and goals aside to accomodate for nari and make sure she has the best upbringing which is comfortable for her, where she can see chan as a father figure as well as an older brother now, who can be relied upon and responsible. balancing the line and the roles between brother and father isn’t always easy though when the lines are constantly blurred. he has sacrificed most of himself and his youth to keep nari happy and healthy and mostly untouched by the death of their parents. 

this hasn’t been easy though, it’s left chan isolated and with no one to speak to but the five year old girl a lot of his feelings get locked in a box and left unexplored, he cannot have a moment of hesitation or weakness because then that will affect nari. his mourning process and grieving has been put on a backline, and he only really allows himself to break down in quiet moments without nari. such as when walking through the forest to be with nature, visiting their graves or on the edge of his bed having a good cry when nari is fast asleep due to the feeling of living in the empty space where his parents used to fill it all up. 

PERSONALITY: 

chan is a makeup artist, he does it professionally for models and artists all throughout the industry but he also does it for fun, becoming pretty popular as a person who gives tutorials on youtube and instagram as an ‘influencer’ but he really hates that label and prefers to simply think of himself as an artist. he also does the bit of fashion blogging and photography on the side. 

he considers himself an adventurer and for that reason he also travels a lot, usually while he is there he’ll study as he does photography for a course as well as a part time student and his main interest is in ancient architecture and art. most of the time he’ll roadtrip in his styled up vintage pick up but occasionally its flights to more beachy area’s, his two favorite places are greece and italy and he spends most of his time in those places if he can.

chan has a very vintage sense of style and he enjoys doing most things the traditional and old school way. although he does add a modern mindset to a lot of it. aesthetically style wise envision chan as fingers full of plenty of rings, ankle bracelets and arm cuffs with loose puffy sleeved shirts and ripped up mom jeans or high waisted ones. he cycles mostly everywhere on his vintage style bike. 

very much a gentle soul, little bit of a nerd and activist in the sense he wants to save the earth. he can be really intense about learning about nature and how to preserve it. he has always felt the most in touch with the natural world compared to the hum and chaos of the modern world and city life. he’s no saint of course and he’s still a sucker for coffee but other than that he likes to think he does his best. 

paints and draws very amazingly likewise, he prefers to draw flowers and people the most but he’ll work with whatever he’s got on hand. usually you can only catch him whipping out a sketchbook if he’s feeling stressed or overwhelmed as a form of escapism and quiet time. 

he is a little bit of a quixotic type so sue him, like one of the ‘have you ever fallen in love’ 'five times a day’ types but it’s not obsessive, it’s more of an admiration he considers all people beautiful and worthy of love in their own way and would state most of them are art to him. you could be the worst person and he’d be all ’ you dont have all the facts’ 'which are?’ 'i love them’.

although he doesn’t identify as genderfluid, he has a very genderfluid and androgynous sense of fashion and often wears clothing and makeup typically labelled as being more feminine. he likes a soft and classy look that usually consists of a good lip tint or ultra glossy lip and a natural but glittery smokey eye look. think kinda like the instagram influencer ivanbaaaaah for reference. 

MISC: 

growing up chan struggled with religion a lot, he and his family are very religious but his sexuality caused some issues. his father had always been supportive but his mother was a different story, unfortunately his memories with her aren’t the fondest. though he has a very dark history with religion, he loves to be in churches that are empty or abandoned for moments of reflection. often he wonders if he doesn’t even have god as the one consistent and reliable thing in his life, then what the hell does he have. he feels even now sometimes that he’s letting god and his mother down for the way he is but there is less shame now than what he suffered when younger. 

everything in his life basically revolves around nari, she goes most places with him and any task he’ll find a way to make fun for her, he doesn’t spoil her but he also doesn’t ever leave her to go without even if that is at his expense to do so. they love to bake together and he does that pretty often. 

has a part time job as a barista on night shifts and also in a patisserie. he works from home on his influencer content again to accommodate for nari and he also takes his course in photography and media online to best suit nari so he doesn’t have to leave her with a babysitter too often as he believes that’s no childhood and him just being lazy in his duty towards her as her parental figure at this pivotal time in her life. 

he’s putting off most of his dreams and aspirations right now for until nari is older, he could’ve been much more famous as an influencer but he chose not to be and put those opportunities to broaden his career on hold for a while because having a famous sibling in her life wasn’t the kind of overwhelming attention and pressure nari needed to be surrounded with right now. 

he honestly just wants to make sure nari grows up feeling safe, comfortable and happy as well as confident in herself and chan. she’s his primary responsibility and he considers himself her closest bet to a father now so he wants her to feel she has that bond with him as well as the bond of him being her brother. 

PLOT BUNNIES: 

a babysitter plot would be great, someone who he can rely on and uses often to leave nari with when he has no other choice and particularly on nights when he has to work. ideally it would be someone nari felt very close to and idolized so he knew they had an amazing relationship and she’d be happy and relaxed when he was gone. he’s very over protective of her so he’d also have to feel pretty close to the person. it could go any way really, it could be a pining thing, a best friend thing, whatever honestly. 

this boy definitely needs a confidant so throw that at me any day. 

friends who can help him reconnect with religion and spirituality in different ways so he knows there’s always a way for him to feel tied to god somehow and a god who loves him and best suits his needs somewhere even if it isn’t necessarily in the religion he grew up with. 

work buddies at the cafe he works in or patisserie would be amazing too. 

maybe a tutor/study buddy kinda person he met online through doing his course of media and photography to make sure he was making up for the classes he was missing out on by not being able to attend day lectures in college. 

just people with the similar hobby of photography would also be awesome or models even that he can do a couple of freelance jobs for on the side when they need him. 

muses for him to draw they’d be very special people indeed bc chan will rarely whip his sketchbook out in front of anyone let alone ask to draw them. 

more single parent muses would also be awesome eventually or older siblings who kind of take on that role half the time so have some idea of what its like who he could meet through taking nari to things like nursery, etc. 

neighbor bc who doesn’t love a good single dad and his neighbor plot  who’s all like woah that guy is super young and he has a kid but im also sure there’s no woman on the scene and wow they’re noisy and its kinda infuriating but its also cute as hell cause he’s a hella good dad and in the mornings i can hear them baking and doing food fights or playing together and i often see them messing about coming back from grocery shopping etc and actually its kinda touching?? 

gay pals cause we love gay pals as well as ur everyday pals we love a platonic bond between fellow gays. 

love interests of any kind rlly, pining situations, crushing, flings, ex’s ( they’d have had to have ended on good terms tho bc chan just can’t hate anyone ), first times e.g. sexually, boyfriend, kiss u get the idea 

[keefwho]

November 14 - 2022

4:00 PM

I’m a bit stressed. Today has been difficult because of my tummy but I’ve done a very good job doing everything anyways and I’m proud of myself. I did all my work, then over half my workout and I cleaned up. I couldn’t pull off the whole workout but I’m okay with that, I know I tried my hardest today. 

Now I’m stressing out a bit over some personal projects. I fear I may be in a natural art rut right now and it’s getting in the way of some important things. 

Im trying to be weary of my stamina so I can make sure I rest appropriately but I also want to be tough and productive. I guess I kinda feel like I haven’t been as good as I want to be in any field lately. 

I think its time to rest for a bit right now. I feel tired and mentally overwhelmed. Everything feels at least a little unstable right now so I need to recuperate myself before I can be effective. A small readjustment in attitude might help to. I stress about some things that just dont need it. Things that are supposed to be creative and fun don’t need the overwhelming importance I apply to them sometimes. I gotta chill out. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve really changed all that much since I’ve started trying to better myself. I feel like I must have. I used to be aware of my phobia but suppressed it, then in June I had a tummy incident that had me feeling like shit for a few weeks straight. At that point I had hit my lowest point where I think my level of anxiety around my stomach could have been disorder-level. Thinking about it has me wondering how I was THAT bad because I must have improved beyond that point. I’ve gotten a lot more realistic and “brave” about it since then. Maybe my worry is unfounded. Clearly I’ve gotten a lot better and am still improving. I know the direction I’m going, I’m not lost or anything anymore. Now it just takes time.  

Recap

This morning I tried to get everything done real early. I had leftover hashbrowns with jalapenos in it which I think was a mistake. I had to do the other half of a paid stream today and my tummy imploded during it, but I kept strong and pushed through it.

After that I did my workout but only about half of it. I felt really tired today, Im not sure why. I also cleaned up like I was supposed to so I ended up getting all my tasks done today in some capacity. 

My tummy hurt a good chunk of the evening too but I didn’t let it get in the way of bestie time. I ended up feeling better for the most part, like usual. 

I have a lot I could rant about right now but it’s extra late right now and I gotta sleep. I feel like I’m fighting on like 3-4 fronts right now. 

[theoriesontheory]

The Making of - ‘Disney’s Hyperfantasia’ - Sal Viejo

How do you (or I) write a cathartic song? The more I look at this question the more it becomes increasingly simple and complicated in my mind. On one hand, I know how to do it. I’ve done it for three years as Sal Viejo, listened to cathartic music from other bands and watched performances that sent waves of catharsis through the room. You just do it. On the other hand, saying “you (or I) just do it” is an answer that is unsatisfying, and I know that there have been times where I have been unable to write a cathartic song where the advice “just do it” would have sent me into a rage. So, I decided to write a cathartic song, as I have done before but this time, using autoethnographic research methods, explore my process not only documenting what I was doing but reflecting on the parts of my real life that went into the song.

Catharsis as a feeling is difficult to define, especially from an academic perspective. An interesting note from some of my reading into music therapy is that the music we listen to shapes our lives and experience. (Barnes, 2013) Continuing from this idea, Barnes points out a case where a neuropsychologist was struggling down the side of a mountain with a broken leg and eleviated some of the mental strain and pain by focusing on a song. (ibid.) Looking specifically for references to catharsis I found an explanation of the phenomenon in a film text, “Catharsis is Aristotle’s term for the experience of audiences at the end of tragedy – overwhelming feelings of sorrow, pity, or some other strong emotions caused by the representation of tragic and piteous events… Aristotle and most of his commentators agree that catharsis, whatever it is, occurs to the beneficial effect of the audience.” (Plantinga, 2009) I feel that mainstream media has changed the meaning of the cathartic experience, in that rather than leaving stories on tragic endings, the trend is to send the crowd home happy. There has been a trend in media to end stories on more tragic notes recently, in my view closer to how things end in real life, Breaking Bad is a great recent example. Tying the two ideas together now, when looking for information on catharsis through music, there proved to be some gaps in the literature. There are discussions of how works have been performed in contexts that have made them cathartic, (Ansari, 2013) how communities use musicking to cope with their economic and social stresses (Stamatis, 2015) and even how music is being used in physiotherapy sessions, showing the role of psychology in pain treatment and management. (le Roux, 1998) My approach to this question hinges on creating a song that provides some level of catharsis, either for me or the listener. Despite my reading, coming to a clear and understood definition of catharsis seems difficult and thus, I think it makes sense to g to the original, Aristotelian definition as provided by Plantinga, overwhelming feelings at the end of a tragedy.

My understanding of autoethnography as a research method comes from some time considering it in the course of my honours and masters study up to this point. One of the core elements that draws me to it is my understanding that at the core of the research is the individual and their creative work (in the context of creative autoethnographic projects). Adams, Jones and Elis describe autoethnography as practice that; uses a researchers personal experience in describing and critiquing culture, acknowledges and values the reasearchers relationships, uses reflexivity – reflecting on the way the individual interacts with the world, shows “people in the process of figuring out what to do, how to live, and the meaning of their struggles”, balances emotional and intellectual work and strives to make the world better. (2014)

I was inspired to write in this way by David Carless whose paper Throughness was the first autoethnographic study of song writing that I came across. In reviewing the literature there were many papers focused on performance or composition of art music pieces but when looking for contemporary song writing used as autoethnography the field was sparse. In this paper Carless asks many of the same questions I face myself,

“How do we write songs as qualitative research? What kinds of processes matter when writing a song? What can we do to support and nurture these processes? What might we draw upon when writing songs about our own or another’s life? And how is it that culture, politics and personal biography can become so powerfully entwined in a song?” (2018)

In answering these questions Carless submits a series of Diary entries that they call a story that details the specific moments where the creation of the song was happening as well as their personal reflection on their own song writing process. In a similar way, I have been drawing from a journal I use specifically to write thoughts I have when I am in a negative mental headspace for lyrics and ideas and building songs up around them. Unlike Carless’ work, I will be covering not only the song writing process but also the process of cutting together a demo version of the song for release on Bandcamp. In putting together my story I will be including transcriptions of events based on my personal notes and my memory, images from my journal and other writing and personal reflections, some of which will touch on themes of self-harm, depression, and suicide. Please read in a safe mental place and look after yourself. If you need help, please seek it:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 Beyond Blue: 1300224636 Suicide Call Bank Service 1300659467 Process: In late July of 2021 I found myself experimenting with chords in open D after having uploaded a cover of Hot Mulligan’s I Fell in Love with Princess Peach. Open D feels like such a powerful tuning, so easy to get big brash sounds. I have been avoiding writing in alternate tunings because the idea of tuning on stage stresses me out, but I have a show coming up and want to play that Hot Mulligan cover to impress someone I think might be there so to justify the tuning I figured I would try and write another song using it.

I always have way more chords or instrumental parts for songs before I have lyrics. I find that I will often even have a vague melody line that I can hum or make random syllables around while I play the parts on my guitar. I have been trying to just say the first thing that comes to mind, trusting the part of my brain that knows what good lyrics sound like to figure something out under pressure, but I have found this process works best with some stimulation.

My mental health is something I have struggled with, largely in silence for my life, since probably my mid to late teens. I was on medication for a while, it didn’t go so well (see twelve) and since then have been trying to come to terms with my mental health through mindfulness, mediation, and introspection. PLEASE NOTE I AM NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AND DO NOT ADVISE THIS. GO AND SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP BEFORE UNDERTAKING ANY CHANGES TO MEDICATION OR TREATMENT. One way I have done this is by having a specific journal to write in on nights where I feel I am having particularly negative thoughts, the idea being that when I have these thoughts, I find they tend to circulate inside my head and writing them down is a way that I can get them out of my head. Additionally, it allows me to go back and reflect on the patterns of thinking and try and figure out where they come from. On one night, I’m going to guess late June, early July based on my memory I was having negative thoughts that led me to write down this across two pages

Transcription: Im sick of all my friends being worried.

No matter how hard I try I can’t see what comes next Static the cards the stars everything Static

I wish I could still dream, maybe I could if there was a future to see

Why do I keep seeing myself in a carcrash?

When I drive around at night I think about driving into the side of the road. Not really thinking about it but it just happening. I feel Like I’ve done it. I feel like I am doing it. It’s beautiful, its silent. I am calm. No more thinking.

I DON’T WANT TO DIE YET (the word “breathe” is written five times through the lines underneath the statement)

One day at a time -Next Page- (a crude single line drawing of a sunset over an ocean above the margin)

I clearly need to go talk to someone

Most of the time i feel like I look normal –

Everyone is suffering, its easier to pretend Its harder to tell the people you love youreinpainbecausetheycant… (I can’t read what I wrote) Head feels like static

Trying to fill the noise Beniah knows too

Amy asked if I was doing ok I said yes I don’t think she believes me anymore I hate the Look in their Eyes when they See me Everyone knows youre sick Can’t have them know… (I can’t read what I wrote) I think Im doing ok now

I feel like I am good at adjusting to how I feel. Didn’t go for a drive

Remembering parts of this night I know that I didn’t write all of this at once. The first page was written largely at the same time, the second page in bursts, idea by idea, sometimes writing new ideas in and around older ones, writing more frantically. I feel like there are two stories being told here, on the first page, an internal negative feeling, I have never told anyone about the car thing until releasing this song. The second page, the negative feelings growing and being self-aware about wanting to appear ok around my friends and housemates and feeling that pressure.

So now I had a couple of pages of personal emotional outpourings, some chords that I like the sound of and a quest to make a song cathartic. More important to me than how cathartic the song is, as with all my song writing, is that it was honest so in sorting through my scribblings I wanted to put together an accurate representation of my mind at the time. I first jotted down what felt like the most unique imagery to me, the false memories of being in a car crash and coming to terms with that. I am not sure what it means, but it is scary at times. I thought that because it is such a unique experience that detailing might be an interesting part of the song and thus the pre-chorus and chorus were put together. I had the melody of the chorus on a voice memo on my phone when working on the guitar part and I remember thinking to myself, for such happy chords the melody was lending itself to something almost being howled out, it felt like a question almost. After I had written the pre-chorus and chorus the next thing that felt natural to do was to frame the response to that statement which is the second verse. Reflecting on the pages, a lot of my worries on the second page seemed focused on how my friends and the ones I care about perceive me. I think this is a common feeling for people who struggle with their mental health and something that I am less concerned with when I am not in a negative mental space. The lyricism in the second verse is intentionally a little frantic, I wanted it to mimic in a small way how my mind can jump from idea to idea. I always find opening songs difficult; I think it’s important as a songwriter to have an impactful first few lines, especially in a song that is being made with the intent of an emotional experience in listening to it. I decided to borrow the writing style from some of my favourite US mid-western emo bands who often frame difficult to swallow truths in upbeat melodic phrasing and whimsical turns of phrase. A quite extreme example can be heard on The Front Bottoms’ “Father” which opens with some quite graphic imagery and is about the lead singers strained and complex relationship with his father, but I have seen people cheer and sing and dance along when the song is played live. And so, I decided to be very honest about the background of the feelings, maintaining some semblance of the narrative that I am ok while showing really that I am not, heading into the pre-chorus. The bridge was the last section to come together, both musically and lyrically. The rest of the piece was pretty much put together and being fine polished as far as vocal phrase lengths and how I would play the guitar part. The lyrics for the bridge started as what could have been a verse, describing the images but I decided that the pre-chorus was a more functional way of doing that, introducing the idea in a semi-palatable way. I knew I would close the song with the bridge (potentially put a chorus at the end) and decided to add some weight to the end of the work, almost like a Shakespearian tragedy, everyone dies at the end. I don’t think I make it feel like there is death at the end of the piece but the way I stack the layers of the pre-chorus and bridge sections before cutting right at the end to the first line of the pre-chorus was designed to add to the emotional impact at the end. Initially the guitar part for the bridge was more complex, I wanted to try and show that I was a good guitar player and had been practicing. This led me to retuning the guitar to Open D to come up with a pretty and impressive riff. I had a few ideas but in the context of playing solo and recording a demo I want the core guitar part, the part I play, to be something that I can do while I sing and give an overall engaged performance, which I’m not quite good enough to do with impressive guitar bits yet.

Lyrics: I feel well adjusted, sometimes I feel fine, or I lie which I know I shouldn’t do to my friends But we all pretend, because it’s easier than admitting how scared we are Have I told you about the weird thing that happened the other night in my car?

I’ve been seeing pictures, almost like memories in my head Of me losing control, on the free way And it plays in slow motion And the strangest thing about it to me always is

I don’t scream I don’t scream

I know I worry you, I’m worried too don’t think I want to die yet Look at the sunset, take a deep breath, hold on for one more day I’m ok, that’s what I say but I don’t think you believe me Static on the TV, looks like my tea leaves, Don’t worry about me

I’ve been seeing pictures, almost like memories in my head Of me losing control, on the free way And it plays in slow motion But the strangest thing about it to me always is

I don’t scream I don’t scream I don’t scream I don’t scream

As I watch bumper meet divider, Sparks and metal fly up Into the night sky I wonder how it would feel I wonder how it feels to…

As I watch bumper meet divider, I’ve been seeing pictures, Sparks and metal fly up almost like memories in my head Into the night sky of me losing control I wonder how it would feel on the freeway I wonder how it feels to… And it plays in slow motion But the strangest thing about it to me always is

As I watch bumper meet divider, I don’t Scream Sparks and metal fly up Into the night sky I wonder how it would feel I don’t scream I wonder how it feels to…

I’ve been seeing pictures, almost like memories in my head

Once the song was structured, I began practicing it, getting ready to cut a demo to put out into the world. In practicing it, I found the song easier to engage with on some days rather than other. I make recordings of me playing new songs so I can remember how they go at later dates but also to watch back and think about melodic choices and I found on one particular day while I could technically perform the song ok, I know I had played it better in the past. I have this relationship with most of the Sal Viejo songs that are about hard things from my life. I can perform most of them at the drop of a hat, but I know the performance is better when I am in the right mental place. I find it is a fine balance between being where you were during those hard times, but still able to perform. I feel like ‘Sal Viejo’ almost acts like a mediator sometimes, an outside observer who can sing about these things because they didn’t live through them, they saw them happen.

Heading into the day of recording I was a little stressed. Not only was I recording something still pretty fresh with the intention of sharing it to the world, but I also had just moved, had just gotten out of quarantine due to a secondary covid contact, was working a new job and had lots of uni work to do. I started the day by going and getting a coffee, thinking about the song as I went on my morning walk. My thoughts were mostly about the melody, the chords, the rhythm but also, I was beginning to make some mental adjustments to get me to the place I felt like I needed to be. When I got home, I had the intention of going slowly, setting up at my own pace and warming up but I felt the compulsion to just get it done. I started with guitar tracking, taking a signal from a mic set up near the body of the guitar and a line from the guitar, through an acoustic reverb pedal. It was during the guitar tracking process that I realised I had to simplify the line in the bridge. To get the timing right, I was playing to a metronome and singing to myself to figure out where the chord hits were and realised that I couldn’t actually play the part and sing, making it useless for live shows. After I finished the guitar did a quick mix and took lunch. I decided that I would try some vocals, but I didn’t know how they would go. I started singing and quickly realised that the phrasing would prove difficult and so I would have to punch in some of the sections. I found this really challenging because a part of the emotional engagement with the song comes from singing whole phrases, not just particular lines. What I decided to do was do multiple, full length takes, each one hitting the entrance of a section and cut it together. This meant that I could stay in the right emotional place while performing for recording and worry about the engineering side later. I wanted the mix to be fairly transparent for the demo, wanting people to hear the emotion and the story without too much distraction. I cut the vocals together and did a mix that I felt like let the vocals pierce through enough while still feeling tied to the guitar. There is a charm in the small amounts of string buzz and mic popping in the demo for me, in the mixing process I tried to get rid of some of it but decided that macro level edits would take away some of the human delivery. One decision I did make at this point was editing the lryics. The original lyric in the bridge was, “I wonder how it would feel, I wonder how it feels to die” I thought that the impact of that phrase would be increased if that word was censored, as subtly as possible but in a way that leaves listeners hanging on what the end of the phrase is. There are clues in the rhyming structure and content around it and you can figure it out if you listen to it, also I don’t know that I necessarily want a song in the world where I am explicitly asking what death feels like, I don’t know that I am at that level of openness as a songwriter yet.

In the rush of creative energy, I also cut a DIY, proof of concept music video which I attached the master of the song to which can be watched and heard here.

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Reflections: Digging into my song writing process has proved an interesting and at times challenging experience. In many ways I think I was fortunate to already have the bones of the song together before I started approaching the writing and making of the song as research as I don’t know that I could have been as honest in my lyricism knowing that I might have to explain where it came from. One observation I made is, through digging through the emotional distress that lies at the heart of this song, I found myself having cathartic emotional responses, forcing myself to consider where my songs come from. Also, as I practiced I found that having the research idea and the goal of catharsis beneficial as I made performance choices. I am unsure whether or not I have definitively answered the question, ‘how does one write a cathartic song?’ But in conducting this autoethnographic study of my process of writing a song with catharsis in mind I think I have answered, here is one way that I can do it.

References:

Adams, T. E., Holman, J. S., & Ellis, C. (2014). Autoethnography. ProQuest Ebook Central

Ansari, E., A. (2013) “Vindication, cleansing, catharsis, hope”: interracial reconciliation and the dilemmas of multiculturalism in Kay and Dorr’s Jubilee (1976). American Music, 31 (4), https://go-gale-com.saeezproxy.idm.oclc.org/ps/retrieve.do?tabID=T002&resultListType=RESULT_LIST&searchResultsType=SingleTab&hitCount=1&searchType=AdvancedSearchForm&currentPosition=1&docId=GALE%7CA401094780&docType=Critical+essay&sort=RELEVANCE&contentSegment=ZEAI-MOD1&prodId=EAIM&pageNum=1&contentSet=GALE%7CA401094780&searchId=R1&userGroupName=saeinstitute&inPS=true

Barnes, H. (Ed.). (2013). Arts activism, education, and therapies : Transforming communities across africa. ProQuest Ebook Central

 Carless, D. (2018). “Throughness”: A Story About Songwriting as Auto/Ethnography. Qualitative Inquiry, 24(3), 227–232. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077800417704465

le Roux, F. (1998). Music: A new intergrated model in physiotherapy. South African Journal of Physiotherapy, 54(2), 10-11. doi:https://doi.org/10.4102/sajp.v54i2.593

Plantinga, C. (2009). Moving viewers : American film and the spectator's experience. ProQuest Ebook Central

[thegothicalice]

I thought you might have particular experience with something I'm struggling with. Im in art school and its stressful as hell. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and too busy and drop the ball and forget about a project. I then hate myself for making that mistake. I feel like I deserve to be embarrassed and ashamed. Do you have any advice for self hatred in the arts? Is failure just normal? My self hatred doesn't serve me but the art world is so competitive that I always have a huge pressure on me

Art school, contrary to the popular belief of those that haven’t experienced it, is crazy stressful, and difficult, and exhausting. My experience was whenever I wasn’t in class, I was at work and/or doing homework. If I planned right I had almost one hour of free time per day (on an average of 6 Hours a night sleep or less). Even if in the end it’s rewarding it can be the most stressful Hell and you know what? Some projects just won’t get done. Some things will slip past you because ITS PRETTY DAMN HARD. It’s really easy to beat yourself up over every little thing that isn’t perfect, and it’s certainly a very artist thing to do, but you have to let it go every so often if only for the sake of your sanity. If it’s worth it, just keep at it and don’t let a less than perfect grade deter you.

[sometimesrosy]

im also going through that growing phase the anon was talking about and for the longest time I thought something was wrong, that maybe I was dissociating with myself and losing my way but maybe I'm just changing. I dont know how to find myself again but I guess I need to give it time. How do I tell if I'm changing or dissociating? And thank you endlessly. Not just for your input on fandom and all that entails but because we can come to you with personal problems and you will still help. xoxo.

okay. This is a big question, and I have to add a warning here. I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I’ve had training in counseling in HS (as a peer counselor) college (as a resident advisor) and grad school (as a teacher.) I’ve done a lot of self study and am familiar with psychology and self help and other ways of understanding our minds and behaviors. I’ve lead workshops, talked people through things, attended intense conferences but only taken one psych class. I might be able to to tell when someone needs to go see a real psychiatrist, but I am not one. I mostly use my knowledge of psychology to help myself, to write realistic characters and to analyze fiction. 

So when I got your question, the first thing I did was google. I got a lot of science/academic hits, but because of my training I could decode it enough to find the sites that were most helpful to me. My first question? What is dissociation and when does it become a problem? Because disorders start with behavior that is normal, but veers into a dysfunction that harms the person.

Q: What Is Dissociation?Dissociation is a disconnection between a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced. Examples of mild, common dissociation include daydreaming, highway hypnosis, or “getting lost” in a book or movie, all of which involve “losing touch” with awareness of one’s immediate surroundings.

Q: When Is Dissociation Helpful?During a traumatic experience such as an accident, disaster, or crime victimization, dissociation can help a person tolerate what might otherwise be too difficult to bear. In situations like these, a person may dissociate the memory of the place, circumstances, or feelings about of the overwhelming event, mentally escaping from the fear, pain, and horror. This may make it difficult to later remember the details of the experience, as reported by many disaster and accident survivors.

Q: What is a Dissociative Disorder?Tragically, ongoing traumatic conditions such as abuse, community violence, war, or painful medical procedures are not one-time events.  For people repeatedly exposed to these experiences, especially in childhood, dissociation is an extremely effective coping “skill.” However, it can become a double-edged sword. It can protect them from awareness of the pain in the short-run, but a person who dissociates often may find in the long-run his or her sense of personal history and identity is affected. For some people, dissociation is so frequent it results in serious pathology, relationship difficulties, and inability to function, especially when under stress. [X lots of info here on dissociative disorders but too much for this post.]

So you see here that dissociation has a large range, from completely harmless, like getting lost in tv show (The 100 anyone?) to developing multiple “personalities.” It doesn’t become a disorder until the long term effects make you dysfunctional in your life. 

It sounds to me like what we’re talking about here is a dissociation somewhere between the normal everyday stuff, and something dysfunctional. I’m not 100% sure, but I’d guess duration of the symptoms might tell us if it counts as a mild disorder. When I researched PTSD, (back during 9/11) I learned that it doesn’t count as a disorder until the symptoms continue on for six months after the trauma. So technically, all the characters on the 100 were NOT suffering from ptsd, but from a NORMAL reaction to traumatic events. Who knew? (well I did, but the narrative conventions had us talking about it as a disorder. it’s an important discussion.)

So, it took a while to get here, but I wanted to make sure we understood what we’re talking about. I think this is what we’re looking at. 

Something in your life has stopped working, or disappeared, or isn’t making you happy. It might be something that you have hung your identity on. “This is who I am.” Or something you’ve built your habits around. “This is how I fill my days.” Or something you’ve created as the center of your motivation. “This is what is important in life.”

And then it’s gone. 

So you’ve lost an essential part of your identity, your daily routine, and your purpose in life. Now what?

Now you feel disconnected (because you are. You were disconnected from something that made meaning in your life.) Now you feel aimless (because you lost your purpose.) Now life seems meaningless (because what’s important no longer is.) The more of these changes that happen at once, the harder it is to find your footing. 

Can you see that your feelings of dissociation are normal now? 

You’re dealing with a profound change in your life and self. What once made sense is divorced from you. 

In this case, I’d focus on the things that fell out of whack. 

Identity: Who Am I? 

Take time to remember who you were before you lost touch with yourself. Old favorites, music, movies, habits, hobbies, interests. Think back on your successes and failures too, what you’ve overcome. 

Purpose: Why Am I Here?  

Reconnect with the things you used to think were important. Remember what you believed in. You may have to question some of it and discard old ideas that no longer work for you. When you figure out what you DON’T believe, it is often easier to understand what you DO believe. “Not this– but this !!!” (Add a subheading here of  “What Do I Want?” or maybe it’s its own heading. idk.)

Function: How Do I Create My Life?

 Create new habits. Make appointments. Sign up for classes. Get a new job. Join challenges. Keep a to do list. Get your life moving so that you can engage in it again and choose which habits work for you.

It turns out, my friends, that I could actually talk about this all day long. 

This is the subject of my work that I’ve been doing for the last 20 years or more. I call it Art and Transformation, and I use creativity and reflection to help us understand ourselves, work through change, and create a life that is meaningful and empowering. Answering this ask has helped me focus on some of my own Identity, Purpose and Function questions, as rebuilding this work has been part of my process in facing the extreme changes I’ve gone through in the last few years. I should just cut and paste this whole ask into my scrivener file. It might get its own file. 

[dxmedstudent]

Dx, sorry if this is a bit of a downer. I have literally been trying to stop my eating disorder for a couple of years. I've read so much and tried so hard. I always depress about it. Basically I eat like no tomorrow. Started bc I dieted on and off. Now the only thing that's exciting is food. I used to be interested in a lot of things but now I'm always tired AF and just cba to do anything. Counselling etc I feel like a fake bc Im not anorexic. How can I shift out of this??

To continue prev ask about ED. My life is completely blunt and I know I’m being a terrible friend and family memb. My studies are affected and I don’t know how I’m still in med school. I constantly think that that’s it now, I’ve become fat and worthless and I’m absolutely disgusted and ashamed with myself. I’ve honestly tried and am at the end of the line. I had art, dreams, ambitions before. Now I just wanna eat, digest, and eat more. Why am I so disgusting? And why am I so alone in this?

Dear Anon, there is no need to apologise. I’m glad that you feel you can talk about it with someone.Society and food have a very warped relationship, which can make it really hard for us to develop a healthy relationship with food, and with our own self-image and weight. It makes things truly difficult, and many of us can really struggle with our relationship with food and our bodies. Not everyone has an eating disorder, but I think these things complicate almost everyone’s lives to some degree. But disturbingly, we normalise really unhealthy dieting fads and body image to the point that society doesn’t recognise the effect this is having on many of us. We can try to avoid alcohol or smoking if we have a problematic relationship with them, whereas it’s much harder to avoid food. You’ve been working so hard, at a battle nobody else can see. Even though you’re struggling, you have held on for so long, and  I’m so proud of you for taking care of yourself, and doing your best, especially when you’ve felt so alone. To deal with that, and then have to face a busy life, like med school, is exhausting. Eating disorders are not uncommon, and altough anorexia nervosa is the most common one, it certainly isn’t the only one. And you deserve proper support and help, no matter what your disorder is like. The effect it is having on your life is significant, and your feelings are valid. You are not a fake. There are so many ways in which our eating can be disordered, and our mental wellbeing can be compromised by our relationship with food.You’ve worked so hard on your own to try to make things better, so I can see why you’d feel so disheartened because your progress has not been as good as you would wish. It’s hard when we try so much but find we’re still struggling. It’s not that you’re failing, it’s that some tasks may not be meant for us to handle alone. Sometimes we can cope with things ourselves, but sometimes we need a bit more help from others, and I wonder if perhaps you’d benefit from more support or counselling or therapy, with people who are qualified and can help you to work through the difficulties you are facing. Please don’t be put off just because your disorder is different. There is help out there. There are various treatments, including some very different forms of talking therapy, which can be quite useful in very different ways, because they can help us to work on the underlying thought patterns which cause us problems. But also sometimes medical treatments like SSRI antidepressants can have a place in treatment.  I think it’s important to be honest with university when we are struggling. Both because they can put us in touch with support, and also so that they can recognise that if we are struggling due to illness, that it is not due to our lack of trying. Particularly if you feel that it’s affecting you to a degree that it’s affecting your studies. Make use of every scrap of support that university will give you, and engage with their disabilities team, as well as your tutors. I’ve known people struggling with all sorts of mental and pysical illnesses in med school (EDs included) and although egaging with uni is initially stressful, in the long run it gives you more support and protects you from being discriminated against or left out in the cold when you are struggling the most.The things you describe (feeling down about it, lack of enjoyment, not being able to do anything, fatigue, feeling completely blunt) suggest that you may also be depressed, is this something you’ve considered? I know that the ED certainly has a huge effect on your life, and it sounds like it may be affecting your mental health as well. Please consider going to your doctor and discussing this aspect as well. Because depression is also something that can affect how well we cope with our other illnesses. And it’s something we can receive support or treatment for in its own right. I would definitely advise you to discuss your ED with the doctor as well, so you can make a plan for treatment. It will be a slow process, but by one step at a time you can work with the right people to slowly regain control of your relationship with food. I have friends who are recovering from EDs so I want to tell you that it can be done. It can be a huge part of your life for a long time, but it does not have to define you. You are so much more than your relationship with food. You’re a wonderful person in your own right. I know you’ve mentioned that you have a lot of interests; it might help if you tried to bring them slowly back into your life, a little bit at a time. However, if we’re feeling depressed or overwhelmed, it can be very difficult to find the motivation, and it can be difficult. I hope that getting the ED a bit more under control might give you more space for you to explore things that make you happy again. I’d also recommend seeing your doctor for another reason; there may be other reasons why you feel tired and listless. Perhaps it might be worth considering a ‘fatigue screen’ of blood tests for things like your thyroid, or various vitamins. Because these things can affect your mood/make you depressed and resort in longterm exhaustion, and because they are easily treatable if we know about it. Particularly if we’re struggling with our eating and may not have the healthiest diet. Having a mental illness doesn’t mean we can’t also have a physical one, so if you are struggling then it’s always worth looking for physical causes which might be contributing. It’s important to look after all of you, and to make sure there’s nothing else that may be contributing. You’ve tried so, so hard, and I’m proud of you for keeping going. You aren’t disgusting, or hopeless, or useless, whatever the voice inside your head says. I just think that you need more support, because it’s an incredibly long, tiring battle that I think nobody should have to face alone. I hope you have support around you, and people in your life that you can talk to about the most challenging things. And I hope you reach out for more support or treatment, because I feel it may make a big difference for you. Most of all, I hope that your path to recovery brings you peace and happiness. Good luck, and let me know how you get on.

[noxrynne]

i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.

[kurgy]

yo I hate to ask like this but please know it's coming from a genuine place of understanding. I'm a trans individual, no college education (I didn't even graduate hs), no family whatsoever, i have bipolar/anxiety/ptsd/insomnia, and also my back is hella fucked.. but i still got a shitty job @ the local mall yknow? idk your situation is horrible and i know it'd be stressful, but it'd be better than being constantly vulnerable. have u applied anywhere recently? min wage is still $$$

same anon as the last ask! it can be really hard to work your ass off for like $7-$8/hr but honestly if you were getting enough shifts at this job you wouldn't have to rely so much on art as an income (im aware that it can be stressful, i used to freelance a lot), and you certainly wouldnt have to beg online for help from strangers--which can be v difficult. i used to work in phoenix and the jobs didnt pay great, but i made enough to get out of AZ within a few months (while payin rent n all)

god i normally just delete these but im already in a bad mood i get these things (albeit normally more aggressively) everyday and ive had enough and need y’all to understand something. im already doing everything im physically capable of to keep myself fed and bills paid. theres no “just get another job” advice you could possibly give me that i either havent already heard or isnt useful at all. or both. this is worded nicely but its the same damn “just do more” message that doesnt fucking work. 

im really not sure where to even begin with this, i think im just overwhelmed by the fact that i have yet another person coming into my inbox assuming to know everything about my situation and what i do with my time based on what theyve read from my donations post and acting nice by giving really typical “advice” as if im an idiot and havent already been looking for a better paying job than what i have right now. 

youre trying to be nice, i get it, i appreciate the nonaggressive way you worded this, but when it comes down to it this is still one of the many asks or comments i get from people daily who think they know so much more than me and think im not already doing everything i can. the most i can say is at least you didnt outwardly condemn me for having a donations post/fundraiser. 

just because we’re both trans and have mental illnesses doesnt mean our situations are the same. i have a personality disorder, paranoid schizophrenia, daily command hallucinations that demand i injure myself that i cannot stop (as in i cause myself physical harm daily and cant control my impulses which is u know bad), ptsd, severe depression, and an actual diagnosed physical disability that hinders me from doing the most basic of tasks, hell i cant even walk. even if i keep my mental disabilities to myself when job hunting, i have to share the information about my physical disability eventually, and guess what? it makes me a workplace liability. employers dont like workplace liabilities. i work 24/7 already, my art only being a fucking side job. you dont know me. you dont know what i do. and the only info you have about my situation is the info ive chosen to share. you dont know anything about my situation. and this doesnt even go into all the family trouble that directly affects my finances and quality of living. 

please just. do me a favor. if u see one of my donations posts, my commissions post, or any of my stores, and think “im going to go tell this person what 1000 other people with zero understanding of their situation have already said” just. dont. instead of sharing what you believe to be an insightful opinion on my increasingly fucked up life just. scroll past the post. you dont have to give it attention. you dont have to share it. just ignore it. because i can guarantee ive heard it all before, and it doesnt help anyone. 

oh and fyi, im already signed up with an organization to help people like me with schooling or job hunting, and its still a fruitless effort so far. theres no magical advice you can give me that will get me out of my shitty living situation or a better paying job that my actual case manager hasnt already been doing.