#it makes me feel really really horrible about myself

[txrully]

MOVIE NIGHT!

summary: so ego decides to be a christmas miracle himself and gives everyone a night off (unheard of, ik). the boys manage to scrape together a projector, a massive pile of snacks, and enough blankets to turn the place into a blanket fort kingdom.

but surprise surprise… the bllk boys end up sitting next to their crush. 🫣

characters: isagi yoichi, bachira meguru, itoshi rin, nagi seishiro, mikage reo, chigiri hyoma, hiori yo, shidou ryusei

a/n: hmm blanket fort kingdom hcs when..? :3

isagi yoichi

this boy is so nervous. like, he’s sitting stiff as a board, trying not to even breathe too loud.

accidentally knocks over the popcorn in the first five minutes and apologizes like a thousand times. 🫠

“no, really, it’s fine! it’s not like i was gonna eat it all… probably.”

sneaks a glance at you every time the screen lights up your face but immediately panics when you catch him.

his hand brushes yours when reaching for snacks and he freezes. you giggle, and he’s pretty sure that’s the sound of him falling harder.

bachira meguru

insists on sitting next to you, throws his blanket over both of you like it’s no big deal. 😌

spends half the movie whispering horrible jokes in your ear to make you laugh.

“what’s a snowman’s favorite snack? ice crisps!”

when you actually laugh, he looks so proud of himself. 🥹

by the end, you’re sharing a pillow because he “accidentally” leaned too close, and he’s trying to convince you to join him in building a blanket fort after.

rin itoshi

immediately sits down like it’s no big deal, but inside? pure panic.

keeps his arms crossed to avoid contact at all costs.

pretends to be completely focused on the movie but flinches every time you shift even slightly.

“stop moving.”

“i’m literally just breathing. 🤦‍♀️”

at one point, you lean closer to comment on the movie, and his brain blue-screens. he responds with some dry remark, but his ears are definitely red.

nagi seishiro

lets you sit next to him because he honestly doesn’t care where he is… until you’re actually there.

spends most of the movie too relaxed, slouching into his blanket, but his eyes keep darting toward you 👀.

when you laugh at something, he suddenly perks up and starts actually paying attention to the movie.

offers you snacks like, “want some? too much effort to finish it myself.”

lowkey hopes the movie never ends because you’re close enough for him to feel your warmth.

reo mikage

made sure your spot was next to his on purpose, 100%.

pulls out a whole charcuterie board like it’s just a casual snack 🤷‍♀️.

offers to share, and when you hesitate, he goes, “what, you think i’m gonna poison you or something?” with a smirk.

leans over to point out random details in the movie, his shoulder brushing yours every time.

when you shiver, he throws his fancy, designer blanket over you without even thinking 🥺.

chigiri hyoma

politely lets you take the better seat while he sits right next to you with the softest blanket known to man.

when you mention you’re cold, he just casually drapes it over both of you like a pro.

the two of you end up whispering commentary about the movie, and he laughs softly at your jokes.

if you fall asleep during the movie, he’ll adjust the blanket and make sure you’re comfortable.

definitely sneaks a photo of you asleep and saves it for himself (totally not to tease you later).

hiori yo

doesn’t make a big deal about it, but you can tell he’s happy you’re sitting next to him.

quietly offers you some snacks, trying not to disturb anyone (but he’s also just shy ; me core fr.. ).

makes cute little comments about the movie in his soft voice that make you smile.

if there’s a jump scare, his hand accidentally brushes yours, and he gets so flustered.

“sorry! didn’t mean to—uh, you’re not scared, right?”

shidou ryusei

flops down next to you and throws his arm over the back of your seat like it’s no big deal.

constantly trying to make you laugh with dumb commentary (and somelike times it works).

halfway through the movie, he starts jokingly stealing your snacks just to get your attention.

“if you don’t stop, i’m gonna bite your hand.”

“oh? i’d like to see you try, princess.”

he’s obnoxious, but when you laugh, he actually softens a bit and keeps sneaking glances your way.

i have so many drafts but im lazy to publish.. ToT

© txrully :: 2024

do not copy, translate, repost, or plagiarize my works in any way.

[hikarielizabethbloom]

This is what J.D. Payne said about Sauron in the first season:

"There’s something in him that is sort of vaguely reminiscent of Gollum, when you watch it again, where you see these two forces driving within him. In some ways, Gollum is to Sauron as Sauron is to Morgoth, a little bit. The One Ring is operative on his consciousness at all times. And even maybe if he tried to turn away from it and be Mairon, the Maia, who, in the beginning, was good, there's this shadow that has operated upon his soul that he is enslaved to, that you always see, every decision he makes, takes him, in one way, towards the good, but it also takes him towards power. And power is his addiction. Watching back, with that in mind, it's fun to pick apart everything he says, or if he does retreat from the decision he makes."

It's possible Sauron thought to do "good" for a time, but power is his addiction, his way to further corruption. I don't care about Charlotte Brandström's words about his 'love' for Galadriel because the way it was framed on screen? Was not 'love', especially not romantic love. It will always end up looking twisted and extremely dark, and I'm not sure we should casually call this 'love'. I agree with Charlie Vickers when he insists on not using that word, because he doesn't wish to 'romanticize' the merciless, obsessive, abusive and cruel feelings that Sauron, a fallen angel with a god complex, can have for someone.

I don't mind that people find haladriel interesting, but after season 2? I cannot see Galadriel willingly go to him, not even for the affection she had for Halbrand. Sauron may want to possess her, but she will not yield to him, she will not be a willing participant in this.

This is interesting.

In real life I wouldn't call this love. Absolutely.

In fiction I do because it make things more interesting. It raises the stakes. If you take away Sauron's capacity for love then somehow he is less accountable for his actions. Because if he can't love then he does not really understand the damage he is inflicting upon others.

But I NEED HIM TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS.

If he does love and still acts the way he did/does, then it is worse. Because he knows what it means to love, to care, and he doesn't care at all. Hell, he punishes the people he loves and loves/ed him in return. He did to with Adar, Celebrimbor and Galadriel. He will do it to Numenor. He destroys the things he loves because his love his selfish. He takes something pure and twists it untill it's not even love anymore. It's obsession. It's revenge. But once upon a time the love was there.

But no, I don't see Galadriel as in love with what Sauron is now. Same goes for Sauron. He loves Galadriel's light as long as he can use it for his bidding. They're both hunted by ghost of the other but they will never yield.

I don't see their relationship as a 'love conquers all' type, more like a 'love was not enough' one.

I don't know if I'm can explain myself clearly when it comes to them. Because it's complicated. Because I want it to be complicated. Because I love their twisted love story but, in canon, I want Galadriel as far from him as she can get.

In fanfiction, that is a different story...

Edit: I want to add that by acknowledging his ability to love I want in no way excuse Sauron's actions. Quite the opposite. Because he cares, he understands the difference between good and evil and he still chooses evil. That is canon.

He's not doing bad things for good reasons. The 'I want to heal ME' is just the company tagline. He is doing horrible things for horrible reasons.

[cantareincminor]

Round 2: Fandom Wrapped (Writer Edition) 2024!

Thanks again to @kattyelf for the template. A blank one can be found at @twiyorbase for anyone who wants to do their own!

Detailed reflections under the cut.

This is a long, introspective post. Forgive me if I sound self-absorbed in all this reflection.

The past year has been a unique one. The last long fic I completed was more than ten years ago in the Aladdin fandom. I dabbled in shorter, more stream-of-consciousness fics after that, but hadn’t written or posted a fic since 2016. Then I got into Spy x Family in 2022, devoured tons of fics, and slowly, nervously considered writing again.

There were many reasons I stopped writing. Being busy with real life responsibilities, naturally. I got married and had kids. I had a highly stressful career. With so little time on my hands, I feared that if I tried to write after such a long hiatus, the result would be stilted and disappointing, and I would have “wasted” my precious free time feeling shittier about myself. I’ve had some version of this mindset my entire life: if I can’t do something well, then I shouldn’t bother.

I have @whateversawesome to thank for encouraging me to try my hand at writing again. After the mole hunt arc was published, an idea struck me quite suddenly���what if Yuri had died or been critically injured in Shellbury? How would Twilight deal with that guilt and how would the identity reveals unfurl in such an extreme scenario? Could Yor ever forgive him? 

For months I shied away from writing it. To do the idea justice, I knew it would have to be a long, complex fic. And I continued to have mixed feelings about my last long fic in the Aladdin fandom—regretting parts of the premise and the ship dynamics and the characterizations and just overall feeling ashamed about my writing. I didn’t want to fail—write myself into a corner and abandon the fic or something like that. Right now, on the other end, I still look back on Orpheus sometimes and wonder how the hell I managed to write it. I reread my favorite passages and wonder how I came up with those exact words.

If it may help any writers, I would be happy to share a copy of my brainstorming doc and outline of Orpheus, where I kept track of unresolved plot points, options to resolve those plot points, notes to self to go back and add foreshadowing, and calling out unexpected events in each chapter that I did not plan ahead for. It is a very long doc. But I wanted to remember everything I was thinking at the time as a gift to my future self, in case I ever attempt a big project like this again and feel paralyzed.

Orpheus allowed me to explore themes and beliefs I suppose have been marinating in my heart for years. For anyone who is still interested, below are some of my thoughts and personal experiences around the main themes.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness and redemption are always what I reach for in my serious fics. I think I fumbled it in my Aladdin fic (or didn’t really get to the redemption part), but I was able to explore it more thoroughly and with more integrity in Orpheus, with an additional decade of life experience. 

I think forgiveness is a difficult and fascinating theme to handle because it is so highly personal and often carries memories of deep hurt for ‘victims’ or shame for ‘perpetrators’. I was grateful when readers sometimes shared their personal beliefs and experiences with it in their comments. In order to treat this theme with respect, I wanted to convey that forgiveness should not come cheaply. That is not to say it’s bad to be merciful and quick to forgive—those are amazing virtues. But the act of forgiveness comes at a cost and can be incredibly painful. The cost does not simply vanish due to good feelings or an act of the will.

Someone can either withhold forgiveness and make the other person pay the cost—in Orpheus, this would have been Yor rejecting or taking revenge on Twilight and leaving him to feel horribly guilty about Yuri’s injury for the rest of his life. Or they can choose to forgive and pay the cost themselves. In my own experience it feels physically painful. It feels like extreme grief. This is what I wanted to portray, the devastation to the spirit, as well as the catharsis that can follow. Because after the cost is paid, what we gain is healing. The ability to move on and no longer feel like we’ve swallowed glass. And the mending of a relationship, if both sides are willing. In the case of Yor and Twilight, it makes their relationship even stronger, like a broken bone healing stronger than before. And it adds weight to the trials they would face together after that moment.

Forgiveness of self / Perfectionism

Of all the conflicts in the fic, “Twilight vs. himself” is the last one to be resolved. Even after the man has been forgiven by the people he loves, he still struggles not to hate himself. To find his life to hold any value outside of being a highly competent spy. I think many people go through some version of this struggle. I certainly did and still do sometimes, with regards to work and career.

I chose Orpheus as the title to illustrate the journey of someone who carries an enormous burden on their shoulders. Trying to save the person they love and having to follow a strict rule of never turning around or they will lose it all. All the while, the temptation to look back is incredibly powerful. Twilight bears the burden of WISE’s expectations as their top spy, the hero who has stopped nuclear missile launches, who will supposedly prevent the next war from breaking out. He also carries the expectations of his newfound family which call him to turn away from the ruthlessness of his mission. To look back at them, and not abandon them for the sake of world peace. And finally he carries the guilt of what happened to Yuri, and the pain of keeping all the secrets resulting from Shellbury.

In Orpheus, Twilight harbors both a very low sense of self-worth as well as a highly inflated sense of self-importance. He sees himself as a discardable tool who has done unforgivable things for his missions, with no right to love and be loved. But at the same time he sees himself as the lynchpin to maintaining the fragile geopolitical peace. Responsible for never screwing up, ever. Responsible for the fact Yuri was shot, even though he tried his best to spare him. He’s an unreliable, self-absorbed narrator, and the other characters around him also parrot his guilt back at him throughout most of the fic. Until the end, where I try to address the illusion of control and how a good portion of his guilt is unrealistic and undeserved. 

Unfortunately for many people who carry this kind of burden, no one tells us that it’s okay to turn around. That we are indeed not responsible for more than our own choices, and we certainly cannot be responsible for circumstances outside of our control. I’ve worked jobs where I’ve been asked to do the impossible. My first job out of college, the expectations were incredibly high. I got no training and was thrown into a project in a foreign language and an unfamiliar industry. I pulled so many late nights that in the second week I fainted on the way to the office. And I was told this was normal. That in order to succeed like everyone else, I would figure out a way to solve each problem thrown at me, no matter how impossible.

And what sucks is when you start succeeding. You pull off miracle after miracle and then people start expecting it of you like it’s normal. The reward for success isn’t a break. It’s more work. Harder work. And you buy into that unrealistic narrative that you should be able to do it or something must be wrong with you, you must be broken and can’t perform like you used to. And when you finally break, you get spit out and discarded like an outdated machine. They find the next, younger miracle worker to buy into the narrative.

Knowledge vs Wisdom

This is an easier one. Funny that Twilight’s agency is called WISE in canon. But what is wisdom? The ability to discern between right and wrong, to utilize knowledge effectively for the greater good, to know how to truly live life and live it well. 

Twilight strikes me as the kind of person who uses knowledge as a weapon, not too dissimilarly to Yuri who literally states “knowledge is power.” Twilight hoards knowledge like building an arsenal, so he can always be prepared for any problem. And this is how nations treat knowledge (intel) in the real world. Constantly trying to gain an information advantage on the enemy. 

But how does one know if one’s strategy to use all that knowledge is right? In Orpheus, the Ostanian state exhibits little wisdom in its pursuit of endless knowledge, experimenting on children and prisoners and animals to gain an edge over its rivals and amass more power for those at the top. At the same time the competition and backstabbing between the various arms of the state are almost childish in their motivations, the epitome of foolishness. Knowledge on its own does not build trust or confidence—but it can build hubris and confusion and distrust. 

One unexpectedly fun part of writing Orpheus was the dynamics between Garden and WISE. While there is distrust at the start, the leaders and members of both sides demonstrate wisdom in how they navigate the partnership and grant trust to each other bit by bit. And this feels very counterintuitive to spies who build careers off of lies and masks, as they find that truthfulness can unlock results so much faster than subterfuge. At least when it comes to dealing with Garden.

On a final note on this topic, I find it interesting that in canon Donovan Desmond claims it is impossible to know what other people are thinking and therefore human beings can never trust each other. And yet the highest form of knowledge (second only to knowing God), in my opinion, is to truly know another person to the depth of their soul. To know a person completely, and to trust and love them regardless. This is what all people yearn for, even people like Twilight who have made a fortress of masks around their true self. And this kind of knowledge is what requires deep wisdom to wield well.

Sigmund Authen’s gift of the Tree of Life plaque and the accompanying wisdom quote was an unexpected event I did not plan in my outline for Chapter 33. So was Barbara’s advice to Yor in Chapter 34, which I will end this long ramble with:

Before the two left, Barbara turned and patted Yor’s arm. “I know what it’s like to be married to a brilliant man, dear. Don’t feel discouraged. They don’t need their brilliance and worldly achievements so much as they need our love. I know it can be exhausting sometimes, but I’ve stuck by my Siggy this long through thick and thin. What he didn’t mention amidst all that blather about wisdom is that even wisdom isn’t the final goal of all of mankind’s striving. Love is. What is a life full of wisdom and philosophy if it doesn’t help you find love and keep it? In my simple little mind, that’s what wisdom is for. Goodnight, dear. Thank you for having us over.”

And that's a wrap for my 2024!

[rambles-on-dragon-age]

It's word vomit time because I can't help myself when it comes to this franchise and particularly when it comes to Solas. Even some old blogs that I really enjoyed the analysis from I had to unfollow because it seems that all that's being taken from the game is "Solas did everything bad in history ever but actually it was also Mythal" and going wildly between completely absolving Solas of all responsibility because "Mythal made him" or "Solas is actually the root of everything wrong in the world". That they're just two dimensional cartoon villains.

Which???? That's not what Veilguard was showing us!!

Much longer rambling under the cut but the tl;dr is Veilguard showed us the build up and exposed just how high the stakes are and just how deep Solas's regrets are as he tries to wade through the mess he was born into. We got just crumbs in Inquisition/Trespasser and Veilguard just handed us the whole loaf. Looking at this as them saying he's just an uber villain is y'all eating the crust and being pissed about how crusty it is. Dig down to the fluffy center!!! He says time and time again that he's not a god, he's just a man that made mistakes. He's a man burdened by war and when all you have are horrible choices he tried to pick the least bad of them. It just added layers and reaffirmed that in war, there are no good choices. There's survival. You can't apply black and white morals to war; it's messy as fuck and there's no good choices. Veilguard exposed the motivations of a broken man drowning in guilt and showed us how he got there. It pulled back the layers like an onion and exposed the heart in glaring light; it added so much nuance and so many layers to Solas and his motivations and actions.

The cut hides me just rambling and breaking this down further, be aware it's a wall.

First off; the first elves were spirits. We've learned time and time again that spirits don't think the same as humans. Especially when speaking to Emmrich about Manfred and his rambling included teaching Manfred morals. Human morals. You can't really apply human morals to ancient immortal creatures that decided to fashion bodies for themselves cause they thought it looked fun and was new and novel. They probably didn't think ahead to the future where the creatures they struck down might be upset. They don't care; it's a rock to them. Why should they care? They're spirits mucking about in this new world and having a ball. They didn't stop to think about the consequences of it.

Which brings me to the second thing we got reaffirmed; THERE WAS WAR. Even now we live in war times. War is fucking scary. War changes people. We have so much media from survivors trying to express how terrifying war is and share that with people that haven't been through it. (LOTR I'm looking very pointedly at you and waving you around.) The first war was the Titans striking back at the Elvhen for what they had done. (Very justified.) This is when Mythal pleads with Solas to give up his very much loved form and Fade to help her. As they were originally spirits and are effectively immortal, they would have probably a.) felt emotions far more deeply and richly (if more narrowly/with less range) than modern mortals and b.) their morals are probably very different considering they're new to physical bodies and their own growing complexity instead of remaining as more simple spirits and c.) it's clear he feels at least some sort of trust and devotion to Mythal in a fashion we can't really grasp. (The writers confirm that a romanced Lavellan is the first time he's fallen in love so we know that's not what he has for Mythal. But devotion and service? Those are still powerful.) Anyway, that war is wrapped up decisively in one fell stroke thanks to Mythal again making use of Solas's wisdom to craft the dagger that would sunder the Titans. (Even though she, herself, apparently doesn't even do the final blow she again has Solas do it with the weapon he crafted. In the art book, it shows him trapping their dreams in a small black cube and he himself bringing that prison cube back. This is probably why he becomes known as her lapdog/attack dog.) War over, their people are safe. Oooooo elves are just so evil. Except. What were the alternatives? Continue hunting and killing the Titans until they're all truly dead? Would the dwarves have survived this or would they have died with their creators? How would this affect the physical world if the "pillars" are struck down wholesale? The elves can't just fuck off back to the Fade anymore, they have physical bodies crafted from this world now. They're no longer spirits. Do they all just roll over and die? It's in your nature to survive no matter what and this fundamental truth means there would be no peace between the elves and titans, even if the elves stopped their colonizing bullshit. Instead, they were sundered from the fade and left in comas alive. The dwarves were sundered from the titans and each other, but they also lived on. It was a terrible choice when all there were were terrible choices. There were no good choices. The elves sacrificed the titans for their own peace and their war with their world ended.

The second war was the newly named Evanuris against the Forgotten Ones for not helping the Elvhen in the war with the Titans. This is when the elves would have been fearful and already fallen in behind the strongest of them in want of protection. The fight of "those that protected us" vs "those that abandoned us". It just set the stage for more intensely divided elves, more intensely dependent elves. The Evanuris were powerful enough to protect them and end the war with the Titans, they would be powerful enough to protect them and end the war with the Forgotten Ones. (In Bellara's quest, we learn that at least one of them crafted an army of demons to fight for him.) We also learn through Solas's memories that the Evanuris aren't above propaganda and lies; they slaughtered their own people and claimed the Dread Wolf did all of it. This was a war of vengeance, plain and simple, prettied up as good gods vs evil gods. Even the later legends paints it as the good Creator gods vs the evil Forgotten Ones.

After that, the war focus shifts to Fen'harel and his "rebellion". The game shows us that after their war with the Forgotten Ones, Elgar'nan decides they deserve to be gods. Why not? They're already incredibly powerful and rule as kings/queens. Why not be gods? Their people already serve them in body, lets just amp that up to in spirit and in mind. They're marked in blood writing to show who owns them. Just take their minds and have their total obedience, love, and devotion. It's what they deserve after all being so powerful and cool! (Sarcasm in case you miss it.)

Solas pushed back at every opportunity. He started with letters and moved on to freeing their slaves and moving against them period. He was making such progress against them they got desperate and delved into the Titan's prison, using it as power. "They were blind to the horrors." They didn't realize how horrible this new power was because they were already corrupted. He begged Mythal to stop them and they instead murdered her with her own dagger/the weapon Solas crafted for her. To save the living world, he had to imprison them and the Blight away. The Veil locking away all of the Fade was a mistake on his part; considering the power of the magic he was casting, kinda understandable.

We can see, through his own memories, how he changes through this time. Where he begins to make more and more "acceptable sacrifices". Where he cuts problems off entirely instead of taking the time and risk to try and save people. The greater good is what drives him and he can't risk getting caught up in the small details. Like individual lives compared to all the lives they're working to save. Like the trolley problem but more extreme; does he let this person die, or does he let them carry their infection out to kill untold people? Does he ask these spirits to die doing what they love making the distraction or does he have their very limited bodied forces serve as the diversion and die instead?

The memories we play through in the Crossroads and hear through the murals aren't painting him and/or Mythal as the worst villains ever. They're not simplifying their motives or actions. I mean, they're not even justifying their actions either. They fucked up, they did wrong, but they fucking survived and tried to do so with the least casualties possible. The writers are handing us the story, colored only by Solas's feelings/memories. No longer are they colored by the personal biases and limited perceptions of the unreliable narrators like the rest of the game lore and history that has been given to us. These were practically straight from the source! And instead of it being given to us through the distorted lens of other characters, y'all get to distort it all yourself. :)

I had a good conversation with @hyperions-light in the comment section of this post where they also pointed out that the meetings show us just as clearly how this is happening in real time.

The game showed us, IN REAL TIME, how being presented pretty straightforward information is filtered by each person based on their own life's perceptions and biases and their own motivations.

I'm sorry y'all walked away from all that with the most basic surface level understanding colored in black and white.

The whole fucking thing was heartbreaking. What Solas has been through, the situations he was in both of his making and out of his control, were terrible. He did his best but it still wasn't good. Veilguard didn't cheapen what he did or what he went through; it added layers and honestly made it more tragic. He was born into war and desperately fought his whole life like he was the only one standing between his people and total annihilation. You can't live thousands of years like that and not fuck some shit up. I'm also not above that and I don't think any person would be. I'm in my 30s and have fucked plenty of stuff up; gimme a few thousand years and multiple wars and I probably also would have committed war crimes trying to save my people.

Every time I see a new post complaining that Veilguard reduced Solas and Mythal to cartoon villains that did everything wrong, I want to start biting.

[adhdandcomics]

perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:

does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies

[ineed-to-sleep]

*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it

[puppyeared]

AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY

[boszbichblitzo]

He should have actually left the fucking building, of course Moxxie would follow him, the little shit. Blitz jumped and spun around as he was touched, a wild look in his eyes as he turned to face the other imp. He was cornered now, stuck there, listening to Moxxie yap about him and Stolas, the relationship between them that never was and beg him to.... do what? Stolas was the one who threw him away, not the other way around. He tried fucking talking to him too and it didn't work! Why the fuck was it always on him to fix everything?

"Moxxie, stop....." Blitz's voice was tight, strained, and the desire to push past him and really run was strong��– in fact, he wondered if he could survive the fall if he just.... jumped from the window behind him to flee this uncomfortable fucking conversation. "I don't know what you think you saw, but he fucking threw me away. What do you want me to fucking do? I tried talking to him, I tried fixing it and he told me to leave and then ran off with some other asshole. Don't you dare fucking tell me he's waiting for me to fix this shit now and use Millie to try to guilt me into making a fool of myself in front of him again."

Faintly, Blitz registered the feeling of tears on his cheeks and he tore his hand from Moxxie's grasp then turned away from him again as he quickly wiped his face. Whether those tears were for Millie or Stolas, he honestly couldn't be sure, but it didn't really matter, both of them were just reminders now of what a horrible fucking failure he was. What the fuck even was this day? And why did it seem like Moxxie was making it his personal mission to try and hit every one of Blitz's triggers through the course of this conversation? "He told me he didn't want to see me, Moxx. Told me he didn't want to talk and to go away. I'm just..... respecting that, okay? If he changed his mind...... he knows where to find me. But don't go trying to get my fucking hopes up about shit that's never gonna happen....."

Moxxie watched as Blitz bolted, leaving the air between them heavy with things unsaid. His chest tightened, the familiar ache of loss creeping in as he clenched his fists, forcing himself to breathe through the wave of guilt that threatened to swallow him whole.

No. He wasn’t going to let Blitz run off like that. Not this time.

Moxx dusted himself off, adjusting his suit with shaky hands before grabbing his gun from Blitz’s desk and tucking it into the back of his pants. Without a second thought, he gave chase, his footsteps echoing down the hallway as he followed Blitz’s retreating form. His mind raced with every step—memories of Millie, of nights spent holding her close, of mornings waking up to her smile. Memories that now felt like they belonged to someone else, to a life he could never have again.

But Blitz still had a chance. He wasn’t about to let him waste it.

By the time he reached the broken window at the end of the hallway, Blitz was standing there, staring out at the city below like it could give him the answers he was too afraid to ask for. Moxxie slowed his pace, reaching out and grabbing Blitz’s hand before he could even think about leaving again.

“Wait, Blitz,” Moxxie said softly, his voice trembling with something between desperation and resolve. “One last thing. I’ve spent days and days with Stolas now,” Moxxie continued, his thumb nervously brushing against Blitz’ knuckles as if trying to ground himself. “I’ve seen him, Blitz. The way he talks about you. The way he looks at me like he’s waiting for you to show up behind me. And I see it in you too, even if you don’t want to admit it.”

“Go back to him. Please.” Moxxie’s voice cracked, the weight of his own loss slipping into his words. “For both your sakes. He’s waiting for you, Blitz. He wants you. But he won’t wait forever. He’s… he’s trying to be patient, but he’s hurting too.” Moxxie’s tail curled around his leg as he stared down at the floor, the pain in his chest almost too much to bear. “Don’t be alone. Don’t end up like me.”

Moxxie’s voice grew quieter, more fragile, as he added, “I lost my Millie. And no matter what I do, I can’t bring her back. But you… you still have a chance. You can still be with him. You can still be happy.” Moxxie finally looked up, his eyes meeting Blitz’, filled with a quiet, desperate plea. “Talk to him, Blitz. Don’t push him away. You don’t want to be alone… I know you don’t.”

[vimbry]

jumping off the back of the post about genres of song lyrics, another thing about tmbg's lyrics in particular is that even when they write about pleasant themes, they still manage to frequently do so through a sinister lens:

the experience of having children and looking after them:

a nice little nightlight protecting a child muses on the shortcomings it would have outside its assigned responsibility:

fantasising about getting high in the park with your crush:

[skibasyndrome]

.

[static-scribblez]

i’m actually gonna be sick.

[flock-of-cassowaries]

As a person diagnosed with a disease that causes brain inflammation, whose diagnosis was significantly delayed by a neurologist failing to pass along important MRI results - yes, this was infuriating.

I nevertheless ship Hannigram, for reasons I struggle to succinctly explain.

(I would say “brainworms”, but I now get a monitoring MRI every year, and my last scan was clear. Presumably, someone would’ve mentioned it if there were literal worms in there.)

More on both the medical angle, and the “why TF do I ship this??” angle, below the cut.

What it felt like to find out important test results were not shared with me:

It was a horrible gut punch. In my case, there was no malice - only negligence - but the result was that I had been walking around for ten years gaslighting myself that the worsening symptoms I was experiencing couldn’t possibly be what I originally thought they were.

I was mad, but also just devastated. It really shook my core sense of safety in the world.

It took me about a year to even start to kind of feel normal again, despite the fact that I was getting really good medical care in the wake of the error being detected.

Details of what’s portrayed in this episode that are just dumb (aka ✨pedantry✨):

My experience of actual medical testing and care around inflammatory autoimmune brain conditions makes me even more irritated by this plot line.

First off, the MRI scene. Like, perhaps it’s different in the states, but in Canada, MRI departments operate 24/7. I’ve had scans scheduled at 3am.

They will definitely set up an emergency scan for you if you have an emergent condition (I only waited four days for the scan that ultimately got me diagnosed), but there’s no way that they could just do an “off the books” unofficial scan with no one around, as is portrayed in the show.

Also, neurologists don’t perform the MRI. Radiologists do it, and then they send it to the neurologist to interpret.

Most importantly, you CANNOT move your head during a scan. There’s actually a little cushion in there that fits tightly around your head to stabilize it so you don’t accidentally move it, but they also will tell you to stay very still. One radiologist warned me to “breathe gently”.

In the show, you can see the plastic frame where the stabilizing cushion should be, but in the name of a cool shot, they’ve removed it, and Will Graham is just bobbing his fucking head like he’s in Night At The Roxbury.

I was so irritated I made a gif.

That scan would be unusable.

Also, the fact that Hannibal is able to correctly guess the exact condition Will has makes no sense. So many things could mimic those same symptoms.

To conclusive determine that what I had was MS, the following tests were done (within the context of the taxpayer-funded Canadian medical system):

1. Standard blood panel and urinalysis to rule out common infections

2. MRI

3. MRI with contrast fluid

4. Spinal tap

5. Seventeen additional blood tests

And they did all that despite the fact that I had a first degree-relative already diagnosed with the same disease.

Some people have suggested Hannibal made the diagnosis based on smell, but that is anatomically nonsensical. The brain is wrapped in a pretty thick membrane; aseptic brain inflammation would be not off-gassing from the skin or mouth like a stomach cancer, or arsenic poisoning.

Finally, the ease with which Hannibal is able to talk Dr. Dipshit into committing gross and easily-detectable medical malpractice makes no goddamn sense. It is perhaps the baldest example of the cynicism of the show’s writing - as I argued in another post, it portrays a world in which almost everyone is despicable.

If we rule out the possibility of literal brainworms, how the f*^% did I end up shipping these two?

As for how I ended up shipping Hannigram anyway - I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that as a former right-wing true believer, I am an expert at creatively misreading media.

When almost all of popular art has the theme “your beliefs are bad, and you should feel bad”, you learn to preemptively kill the author (death the author?) so that you can extract enjoyment from a work of art without reexamining your odious beliefs.

( See: Republican politicians using lefty protest songs at rallies. )

I’m no longer a conservative - I excised those brainworms about a decade ago, thank god - but the willingness to just arbitrarily toss out parts of a story that don’t suit remains strong in me.

Season 2 of Hannibal is quite good, and Season 3 (while objectively bonkers and very poorly paced) has some great character moments. Hannibal as a character becomes a lot more complex as he unravels.

This unraveling makes him a fascinating figure onto which to project some of my worst psychological tendencies - specifically, my tendency towards splitting (where I see the people close to me as either all good, or all bad, and for that perception can change in an instant). So that’s really interesting to explore.

It’s also probably a deliberate misreading of the text on my part, but there are quite a few parts in s2 and s3 where Hannibal can be read as straight-up delusional; and while I am sensitive to the fact that people with delusional disorders are far, far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators, I am also endlessly fascinated by the trope of “character looks back on his life, and sees a series of horrible sins he’s committed, whose damage to others cannot be undone; and struggles with how to cope with that.”

So in that context, giving Hannibal a deus-ex-machina of high-dose risperidone creates some fascinating narrative possibilities.

(This is probably something I enjoy writing because I spent 15 years being an obnoxious apologist for horrible right-wing politicians.)

I also just like the idea of Will taking it upon himself to kill this guy once and for all, and then not being able to bring himself to do it, and instead just keeping him captive and constantly wrestling with the question of whether he’s just being pragmatic about keeping everyone in the vicinity safe from his pet serial killer, or if he’s actually doing what he’s doing to passive-aggressively punish Hannibal.

There’s just so much there, thematically, that I love to play with.

hannibal lecter SLANDER rant [spoilers for 1x10]

WHATTTT WHAT WHAT. Hannibal Lecter…Oooh… this just confused me so bad guys and when I finish the whole series and this whole rant turns out to be wrong I’ll admit it but how can you still sit there and ship hannigram!!!!! after this!!!!! it made me so mad that a LICENSED RADIOLOGIST sat there and lied to Will’s face ABOUT HIS OWN RESULTS because Hannibal asked him or whatever the fuck, I don’t know how close him and the doctor are yet or what their relationship is BUT???? LIKE???? He’s actively subjecting him to hallucinatory torture and the pain that comes with it, HALF. OF. HIS. BRAIN. IS. INFLAMED. HE CAN LITTERALY DIE FROM IT + brain damage, seizures, and worsen his already worse mental health. I HATE THIS GUY!!!! My hate train will start from here and continue on until he can prove me wrong

[kitten4sannie]

look at the way i ride ~

[moe-broey]

Fellas can you take this somewhere else. Maybe. Just not in the fucking halls. Thanks 🫡

I couldn't resist drawing out these tags I wrote on a dif post LMFAO

Moe just has...... SO many problems.......

Close-ups of my fave shots!

The elusive Líf...

[icewindandboringhorror]

boy in silly sitting positions compilation

[w1tchybusiness]

i could write a 100 page essay about what a fucking masterpiece warframe is. i will write many words in the tags. please readem if you want my 'tism.