#also i feel horrible for admitting im doing bad because i know myself and i would never do that so im not me i cant be because me woulndt

[mushed-kid]

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[basil-does-arttt]

Devil May Cry 2. The pimple-faced teenager of the series, widely regarded as the worst game in the franchise.

While yes i agree with this viewpoint to some degree, and i think all the jokes about it being the worst one are funny... i honestly dont think the game is THAT bad. In fact, i think people give it too much shit.

Ill start out by saying this: no, the game isnt amazing. Its under-developed, rushed, and in no way is it up to the same standard as the other 4 games. Im not saying its this perfect game, but its not as horrible as some make it out to be.

Ive played through the game on the original PS2 version and the remastered version, and although im yet to complete Lucia's campaign, i can confidently say the game is mediocre at worst really.

First the gameplay: Boring? Yes. Definitely. Do you like standing in one place and shooting everything for 15 minutes untill it drops dead? This is the game for you. But you dont have to do that, it just happens to be the easiest option because the controls are so jank. I spent (some) time myself learning the combos, turns out it depends on the way you angle the joystick, and once you get the hang of it, its not that difficult to S rank combat encounters at all. Its annoying, but not impossible, and the combos can honestly look pretty cool imo.

The movement is also another thing, the dodge animation takes way too long to perform but i do like the forward dash. Its a nice alternative to using stinger as a makeshift movement dash, i wish they kept it for furture versions of Dante. (Yes i know theres the trickster dash, but he doesn't do a flip)

I also really love the flying mechanic with aerial heart, and the different kinds of core thingies you could combine as a whole. A unique feature that kinda got combined into other things in Dante's design.

A few of the bosses, if they had been fleshed out and maybe balanced a bit better, could've been just amazing too. Furiataurus for example. One boss i feel was done well though was The Despair Embodied, and although you can just stand around and shoot it to death like everything else, you do actually have to put effort in to not get hit and die. (Trismalga is also kinda in that boat too, a well(ish) done fight you actually have to put effort into, but i personally didn't like it.)

Next, level design: You have to admit they did some cool things with the level design. *some*. The whole "grungy city" vibe is something i found very interesting, and the trippy purple iteration of lower town was, while infuriating to navigate thanks to the camera and graphics (esp on the ps2 version), was actually quite neat. I also really liked the clock tower in Lucia's campaign.

And also, the music. Can i just say, i think dmc 2's soundtrack is my favorite one out of all 5 games. The ambient background tracks are almost dreamy, especially Lucia's ones, the boss themes honestly go hard and the piano track that's repeated throughout the whole soundtrack just sounds good. If you take anything away from this post, its that you should listen to the soundtrack. (I reccomend the tracks "Unholy Relics", "Cry for the Moon", and "Shoot the Works")

The character designs are another thing i think they did well in this game. In my humble opinion, Dante's dmc 2 style is the best looking one in the whole series. Lucia also looks quite cool, her devil trigger form especially.

The characters themselves, Dante especially, need work, but might i remind you the developers were rushed when making this game. They didn't have enough time to do everything they wanted to do, 6 months before the game was supposed to release they didn't even have it in working condition. It was only thanks to Itsuno stepping in as the director that we got this game in the first place, and all he could do was salvage what the team had already created and get it in a releasable state before launch.

If only they had a bit more time (and maybe resources), dmc 2 couldve been quite the cool game. Though, on that note, if it werent for dmc 2's catastrophic faliure and Itsuno's prompt pestering for a sequel so the franchise didn't die outright, we wouldn't have gotten dmc 3. Though i think Capcom would've made a 3rd game regardless of the scenario.

All in all, i dont think dmc 2 is that horrible of a game. If you have the remaster collection, or even the original PS2 version, at least try it. Give it a go, play through the first few missions and kill one or two of the bosses.

Don't take it seriously, just have fun and enjoy the game in all its janky half-finished glory. If you look at dmc 2 that way, i think you'll enjoy it a whole lot more.

Or dont. Yknow, its your choice.

[prettyb0ycvnt]

24, 40, 42 :>

eeek hii >_< okay!!!

24 - what is your perviest confession?

i do admit there have been times where i've touched myself while engaged in completely casual conversation with someone... it's very hard! im not good at typing one handed!!! in a similar vein but more focused on tumblr,, if ur reading this and we've interacted in a sexual manner at any point or i've read any of ur hornyposts i definitely have jacked off to the thought of you and that's the truth >_<

40 - describe how you usually masturbate

it's a little boring i fear >_< !? hmm ok so i don't really tend to get that wet initially even if i'm really turned on by something,, my body goes through allll the works Except getting this stupid pussy wet LOL sooo i do have to kinda bring that on myself which i usually do by clitoral stimulation !! whether that be flicking it or rubbing it with my finger... grinding onto my pillow helps quite a lot too and my chest is also really sensitive lawd i remember this one time i was playing with my nipples for funsies and then all of a sudden it was like a tsunami within my body i was like Huh. Okay then! once i'm properly lubricated that's when the real action starts,,, i don't own any toys or anything so literally all i have to work with is my fingers!?? but they do the job ^_^ you know the motions with fingering. two middle fingers! come-hither motion! i have pretty small hands and thus pretty small fingers so it does make it a liiitle difficult to reach right in there but i find that if i thrust my hips in the same rhythm as my fingers it's like . oughh... i tend to start slow!!! i like building that heat within me before increasing the pace. then i either slow down or withdraw completely because uhhh i like torturing myself yayyy! pretty sure if i didn't have a clit i'd die probably GODDD i love playing with it sm its so fun hellooo ! usually at the same time as i'm fingering myself but other times i stop completely and just focus on that . aiden nsfw lore update he's a Squirter & clitoral stimulation really triggers that so naturally i do it every chance i can . it takes quite a while for me to like actually have a proper orgasm but!!! it happens eventually,, and it's always fun :3 also why the fuxk is this so long HELPPP OK to the next question we go

42 - describe your most recent sex dream

OH MY GOSH ok so im pretty sure i had one like last week but i can't remember it LOL sooo we'll go to the one from like. months and months ago that i haven't been able to get out of my head. it had a whole fucking plot line so im pretty sure i was a worker at this like research facility buuut oooh omg high stakes!! something went wrong. and now we've all gotta escape the facility or we fucking die. and genuinely it was so scary i was tweaking so bad in the dream HELPPP like it felt so urgent and we were kinda trapped so it felt real claustrophobic and horrible Until... until it took a wild fucking turn. so i had to go and find one of my co-workers (someone I've seen irl like genuinely i think it was some random person who i saw on the street one time) who had his own little section within the facility because it was Where he Lived basically,,, and the moment i got to his base to inform him about the High Stakes Escape Plan i realised he had just got out of the shower and was very naked ! and suddenly the plan was very much forgotten . it's a little blurry but i do remember dream me being pinned against the wall and his hands sliding between my legs,, and of course i know what that feels like so my body in real life felt so tingly and weird it was so vivid oh my god!!! it's a little blurry after that for a while buuut,,, dream me and random guy did end up fucking on the floor. and also against the wall...and on his desk... and the thing is i don't know what it feels like to . you know. have a dick inside me because im a loser virgin!!!! but my stomach felt sooo tight and so hot and it was like. guh,,, there's only one line of dialogue i remember and it's "want me to fill you up, huh? want to be bred?" AND LIKE HDHDHJFJDJG sorry I got dizzy just thinking about it . . so i did >_< or rather dream me did !!!! and i also don't know what it's like to have a load shot in me so it didn't feel like anything but im just saying i would like to!!!! very much !!! god i can't even remember where the dream went from there but needless to say the whole escaping the facility plotline was very much forgotten in favour of dick . a welcome diversion ! and then i Woke Up Different. i don't know what it is with me and wet dreams set in weird ass places bc like 3 years ago i had a wet dream where i was in a prison,, and i was assigned the Prison Fucktoy basically and all the guys in there lined up for a chance of me sucking their dick??? sucked a lot of dream dicks. i also think about that dream every day but uhh i digress

[toxycodone]

My favorite Weezer album (also objectively the worst, DO NOT FUCKING LISTEN TO IT PLEASE /srs I will bite you with malicious intent) is the Pinkerton Album, it's misogynistic and pathetic and fetishistic, rivers cuomo made the rawest sounding incel music ever. The whole album is just rivers screaming and pouting about how horrible his life is because women don't love him, my favorite song by the foxing is also rory if that makes it any worse for you LMFAO

my top 3 Pinkerton songs are "I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams", "Butterfly - Alternate Take", and a tie between "El Scorcho" and "Pink Triangle" because pink triangle is so funny to me, rivers is complaining about the girl he liked being a lesbian, get cucked loser. If u decide to listen to the album, only listen to IJTOTLOMD (acronym for the first song I mentioned, I'm not writing that shit out) and Pink Triangle, they are the least egregious out of the entire album, and IJTOTLOMD doesnt even have rivers singing ITS THE BEST SONG WITHOUT THE ACTUAL LEAD SINGER in it this shows you how bad Weezer is, I'm old Weezer's biggest fan and number one hater I will always make fun of weezer

ALSO OMG THANK U ?? u got me smiling and shit. lol I don't want to get into it but my last partner (online dating) pressured me into being xir dominant and guilt tripped me into doing sexual things for xem ... it just was a bad experience overall. And then bro had the gall to break up with me on my birthday after we were together for over a year and showed me xir new boyfriend the day after like...It was fucked. But I'm better now!! And Im not using the word loser in a demeaning way for myself, I'm like, Hmmm... I have that pathetic sopping wet dog rizz yk? Pathetic Loser ™ is my base state of being, my younger siblings bully me about it but its all in good fun I love them lol. (One of them admitted that I was actually cool so heeheehee)

But thank you I feel special, you have a grown man doing this -> ☺️👉🏼👈🏼 and kicking his feet and shit. I'll give you a little kiss on the cheek as a token of my thanks. Mwah 💋

- the same anon who is still scared of admitting who he is lol

okay you know those guys that like. Seethe because terrible men give bad bitches trust issues??? That’s me rn.

anon you have no fucking idea how mad this makes me 😭 like?? Be so so so fucking fr. YALL HAVE TO STOP FUMBLING BADDIES. GIVE THEM TO PEOPLE WHO DESERVE THEM (ME!!! I WILL CHERISH THEM!!!)

okay as someone who also got burned by online dating (long ass story. which I won’t tell unless asked). I’m genuinely so sorry that happened to you. People online can be such a fucking hit or miss (usually a miss). But your ex’s behavior makes me think your ex is jealous LOOOOL. No one flexes anything if they’re truly happy and content—trust.

I’m still doing this to your ex tho bc I’m petty.

AND YESSS YOU GET IT. Like. When I say loser I don’t mean that in a bad way. Like, more in a colloquial sense. Because really I like nerdy guys bc they’re people who are open and proud of their interests even tho they may seem weird. And they’re just honest about who they are and their abilities. It’s actually really brave. And I love that about them. So. Yeah.

ty for the cheek kiss tho hehe I am glad I was able to make u feel good.

[disabled-stuck]

HI ITS ME CHRONIC PAIN ANON BACK AGAIN... here's my thoughts on who of the human cast is Aware That They Have Chronic Pain Issues. srry ppl were discussing and im like, Wow, Time For Me In Hc Central

june's issues start to really develop and get bad post-game (in my headcanons), so for a long period of time she literally has no one to talk to about it bc she's self-isolating. she eventually tells nannasprite about it when nanna is guilt-tripping her into getting up (nanna voice: Whatever works, hoohoo!), and nanna is like. this is my only granddaughter. i will do whatever i can for her. (i love june & nanna's dynamic. could u tell.) jasprose also is like GIRL!!! You Are In Pain!!! nanna & jasprose team up of the century to get june egbert to Acknowledge Her Problems

dave NO clue NO idea WILL not talk about it. maybe EVENTUALLY tells karkat about it but i don't think she ever seeks out a diagnosis or tries to get one. hes got old ingrained trauma about seeing doctors, which is something he's trying to get over, but like, he already has 4 bajillion other things to unpack about his childhood and healthcare systems are not historically good about chronic pain, a dismissal of their symptoms might set them back in that regard. they're just homebrewing this shit for now.

rose: yeah, she knows. she doesn't talk about it in those terms, though. instead of saying "i have a horrible migraine and cannot get out of bed" she tells kanaya to text the gc that she's afflicted by the Broodfester Woes and cannot join them this evening. theyve sort of picked up by now what that means but she thinks it's funnier this way.

jade: HMMM. i think she put herself through her denial paces but actually i think going grimbark essentially caused her to not feel her chronic pain (a side effect of condy's semi-control over her body), and when she got shunted back into her body she had to face the reality where she DIDNT hurt all the time like wow thats how ppl normally feel? what the fuck????

jane: oh absolutely fucking not does not know. unlike jade, his pain got WORSE during crockertier. yet it still takes literally two decades for him to finally acknowledge that his stuff is NOT normal and the fact that her whole friend group has chronic pain doesn't help, which kind of sucks. jane voice: well sometimes i can get out of bed when i have a headache and rose can't, so clearly its not the same (as if jane doesn't force himself out of bed even when he really shouldnt!!!). roxy has to be the one to tell him.

roxy: yeah she knows it's chronic pain. she's been worried about getting cirrhosis for years, and so has been keeping up to date on her physical health as a result. she figured it out pretty quickly after a couple flareups. trickster mode made it worse for her.

dirk: hal has been telling him for YEARRRRRRRRS that his carpal tunnel is just that, carpal tunnel. and yet. AR: Dirk, if you do not take better care of yourself, you are never going to be capable of building me a body of my own. TT: 1. I'm fine. 2. I'm not building you a body anyways, so the point is moot. anyways he accepts it during the game bc he's like you know what. might as well admit it to myself. good thing, too, because it only gets worse after a couple decapitations.

jake: has pretty much always known, deep down, but like. she lives on an ISLAND. the hell is he going to do about it? no, better not to think about it. someday they'll be able to deal with it, but that day isn't today, and theres so much to do. so he represses it DEEPLY. normal action hero jake english doesn't have chronic pain, of course. she's a heroic manly lead, after all... (the deconstruction of that mindset sort of makes them acknowledge it, though.)

ANYWAYS I JUST RAMBLED AT YOU FOR A COUPLE HUNDRED WORDS HOPE U HAVE, A GOOD DAY/NIGHT/WHAT EVER

YYAYYY no you're so good nonnie thank u forever and ever

[kpopsickies]

A Jay Chang sickfic

Sickie: Jay Chang

Caretaker: Beomhan

(are they dating? No. Do they kinda act like it? Yes. Read as you wish) 

Jay p.o.v

It truly was the week from hell. It was bad enough with Boys Planet but only five days after I woke up feeling absolutely awful. I had been living with Beomhan since Boys Planet ended and it was nice to have someone I was comfortable around, especially when I realized I was 100% getting sick. I climbed out of bed and moved towards the kitchen, wondering if Beomhan was awake yet. I was happy to see my best friend dancing around the kitchen listening to girls generation. “Look who finally got out of bed“ he said with a smile when he saw me. “morning Han“ I said, noticing how rough my voice sounded. “you okay dude? You don’t sound very good“  

“Im fine, just woke up“ I explained, Beomhan gave me a skeptical look, “You sure“ I nodded, despite the fact that I felt absolutely horrible. I didn't want to cause any issues for him. Especially after how supportive he had been while I was on boys planet. “Jay, don’t lie to me, I know something is wrong“

“I’m seriously fine dude“ I protested with a smile that I hoped wasn't as forced as I felt it was. He didn't quite look like he believed me. "Jay-"

"Han, don't go soft on me. We've never been the sappy type of friends." I shoved his shoulder, he rolled his eyes, "so sorry for caring about my best friend" he said sarcastically. "Beomhan I'm fine" 

"Yeah, well you also said you were fine the day you found out you weren't debuting, but then I found you crying under the bed. So I have a hard time believing you" I punched his arm in revenge for bringing that up, "asshole" he laughed a bit, I found myself laughing too. The laugh turned into a cough. Which caused Beomhan to look at me with concern. "You good?" 

"Yeah, swallowed wrong" I coughed a bit more. "Okay, here" he handed me some water. I thanked him and took the water, drinking it quickly, trying to drown the coughing fit growing in my chest. When I finished I opened my eyes to see Beomhan staring very closely at me, "what the hell dude?!" I stepped backwards. "You're pale" 

"Perhaps because I haven't been outside for a while" 

"Jay, you and I both know that you're not normally pale or even fair skinned." 

"Han I'm- HIAkShu! AhKTSsHu! KITSshu!-"

"Bless you" 

"Thanks. But really, I'm fine" 

"Sick or allergies?" 

"Neither! I'm fine Han" 

"Liar" he said, he shoved my shoulder, I stumbled backwards, not expecting it. He grabbed my arm, "woah dude, you should sit down before you pass out" 

"Huh? I'm fine"  

"Oh my God Jay, I know you don't like it but you need to let me help you. And don't try and tell me we're not cheesy friends or that kinda thing. You're my best friend and I will take care of you" I was a bit shocked by how he spoke, it was an unusual way for him to speak. "Sorry dude" he looked a bit embarrassed. "Nah, you're good. I'm just not u-hh- hIAtCSShuu! AhKTSsHu kTCHSHhhu! Ugh"

"Bless you"

"Thanks. But I'm just not used to you being like this."

"I mean.. I missed you why you were away at Boys Planet."

"So…" 

"I'm scared of losing you asshole!" He said, he shoved my shoulder. I laughed, which turned into a pretty painful cough. "Breathe dude" he patted my back, I smiled, "you care about me" I playfully batted my eyelashes at him. He rolled my eyes, "shut up dude" I laughed, which once again turned into a semi-painful cough. Beomhan looked concerned and patted my back. “Will you admit you’re sick now?” He said nudging my shoulder. “fine. I have a cold” 

“finally!” I rolled my eyes and leaned away from him, his loud excited voice echoed in my head and accentuated my headache. “So, I don’t exactly know what to tell you. I’m not used to this kind of thing. But maybe you should take some medicine. I think all we have is tylenol though.” 

“That’s fine dude. Thank you” He smiled, looking a bit embarrassed. “Yeah I know I’m amazing” I laughed. He smiled, he went over to a cupboard and took a bottle of tylenol out, “Here” I took the bottle from him and took two out. He handed me a cup, “here, I heated up water for coffee, but I thought tea might be better since your sick”

“The last thing you need is coffee” I said with an eye roll. He punched my arm, I laughed and swallowed the pills. “Thanks” I said, somewhat awkwardly. He shrugged, “just ya know, being friends” we both avoided eye contact. 

[prince-tulip]

Im so sorry for what I've done...im trying to be a better person, its just hard when all I want to do is fix everything ive ever broken. Trying to grow and understand these horrible illnesses, impairments or injuries, whatever life may throw at me. Its a journey im trying to bring to an end..i want a beautiful life..

The bitterness is something i still struggle with, maybe it plays into my life, more than i wanna admit, the guilt and shame i feel in those situations alone makes me want to die. The unrelenting feeling of emptiness topped with a conflicting sense of invalidation. God, it is so ugly to feel..disgusting completely. I am disgusted with myself. I have a need for filling roles for people that i feel obligated to fill, its about that shame. Its about not knowing how to let go what needs to be let go because you dont understand what letting go is. Its about not giving into nostalgia. Not seeking validation in something that can no longer give you that, not falling in to bad habits or abusing drugs, abusing alchohol, abusing, sex, porn, anger, depression, hate, impulsiveness, just things that hurt you..im trying to be clean..im trying to break free..theres a big picture im trying to paint, im focused on me and trying to just be good to others.

I can be alone, i can be who i need to be right now to find who i will be later. Im strong and steadfast. I love you, all of you, anyone who ever was there or will be. Past, present and future. Im coming to terms, one day.

The pain was real, its real. The realization of my wrongs are real, the achingly painful emptiness is real. I need to feel it and face it. Face the realization. The realization that i mirror othed people. That i don't give people boundaries or myself.

The realization of it all...how was i so detached, so careless...i can blame it on all i can but it doesn't mean i didn't do anything..doesn't take away from the false reality i was living in, that i didn't understand that it literally tore me apart, changed me to hurt loved ones, its as if i wanted to get to a point to where i was so crazy and so fucked up. Split personality, split reality, split fucking brain, filled with contradictions and fears, making any kind of decision is aweful, it makes me change as a person, like i will die or the worst possible event will happen, it is unrelenting. Theres so many ways that i didnt know how to function without living in destruction. Was it my bpd? Was it my autism? Was it my anxiety? Was it the cognitive distortion? Or was it whatever defense mechanisms i made up in my head?...why wasn't i a better person to people i truly love? Or am i just not a capable of living normally with normal relationships?

Im in deep pain and i can only try to be a better person from here..thats all i can do, there's not much time left. I could die tomorrow. Which i act scared in that regard but i also have always had a weird feeling of relief in the thought of dying instantly, anywhere or anyway, whatever time or place.

Selfish, i know. Its too easy right? If i always thought about how i deserve nothing but punishment then why would i wish to die? For that would just bring peace.

My brain almost undoubtedly would go "oh thank goodness now i don't have to make that phone call now" and laugh with a hint of irony. Nervous in way of course as well. For why shouldn't i be? For if there was a heaven or hell, I do not in the slightest know where i would go. Probably somewhere in between if i had to guess.

[imunbreakabledude]

Ah I understand now, yeah i really dont like how theres no in between a one down or 'being punished' with having to do a two down. Or seeing one of the balls floating towards you and having to decide whether you want to tank the damage or get out of the way or do another down instead. I think that's a big issue with the toa puzzles and some of its bosses, it's somewhat feasible to do them perfectly like not using supplies on the bosses or one downing the puzzles. But I find them to be deeply annoying to do perfectly rather than rewarding to do perfectly.

Anything that isnt a perfect clear feels like an L, did you miss one hit on akkha puzzle? Well do it again. Did you let the crocodile just barely reach the tree in crondis puzzle? Sit there like an idiot killing it and do another run. Did you fuck up pushing the water jug during crondis fight? Watch yourself take a billion damage from the yell. Like I know it's a skill issue through and through but it just doesn't feel fun to do the bosses or puzzles most of the time, its like 'sick im all done i can go do the actually fun part of the raid now'. I kind of treat them like chores which is a me problem i'll admit but I think the gauntlet comparison is pretty apt. The prep/challenge rooms on their own aren't bad but they're separating me from doing the actual thing i want. But like you said there's not much interaction between the challenge rooms and the final boss fight, you just have to do them. Unlike gauntlet where the prep and boss fight directly influence each other and there's variance so its a bit more interesting to go through each kc. No hate to the devs I think they knocked it out of the park, its just a me problem when it comes to toa and that sucks

Not to be an old ass man but cox feels like the gold standard for this type of raid, with the puzzles and stuff rather than a boss rush like tob. Even with how jank some of the rooms are, muttadile my beloathed, I actually feel like im doing something skillful when i complete them relatively flawlessly or do a quick raid.

But about about dry protection and blm I certainly could have explained myself better, i just didnt want to vomit about rs3 mechanics but the short version of it is that there are certain untradeable drops or upgrades that start out rare and after a kill or successful action they go from a 1/1000 to a 1/999 drop or whatever. There is also for the archaeology skill when you get an artefact the chance for the next one you get is halved for the one you previously got, this is simplified but i think you get what i mean. There's only one boss where blm exists and its after a certain amount of kills the chances for a unique go up a tiny bit each kill but have a cap so it isnt guaranteed to get something after enough kills and then it resets to normal drop rate when you get a unique. There's still the chance to get lucky and know you got lucky because you'd still have to kill the boss x amount times for blm to kick in enough but those crazy reddit dry posts is way lower now. I was kinda tweaking with the capped uniques or whatever in my last ask but I think the gentle nudge blm that exists in some parts of rs3 could do wonders for limited time modes like leagues where everyone is playing iron.

But I understand that the rng and grind is like the soul of both games so there's a balance to be had here and testing it really lightly in a limited time mode could be a good starting point. Also maybe i'll beat up for this but i think both main games could use a little blm here and there. Like it already exists for mains in the form of the ge but we've both seen those insane iron dry posts on reddit, I don't think it'd be horrible for the game to be a little more respectful of your time. Like both runescapes are insanely grindy for modern mmos and thats part of the charm but it gets to a point when you're playing iron where its like 'ok please let me progress now'.

I hope I responded to most things though, maybe i should start annotating my response in a google doc copy lol because i feel bad not responding to everything sometimes but i just dont know what to say.

pretty much agree with everything here, the type of dry protection where it's not guaranteed but rather a slowly increasing chance for uniques you haven't had after more kills is what I would prefer IF it were to come into OSRS. but I do have to say I did a major double take wondering why you were bringing up Black Lives Matter before realizing you meant bad luck mitigation lol

Don't worry about responding to every little thing I say haha I just tend to say a lot once I get going typing a post. but you don't need to address every bit of it, of course not :)

[eepy-lesbian]

General tw for sh and anor3cia and other things but generally big tw (also split personality alter mentions if that's a problem..).

My gosh. I feel so pathetic. I st-rve myself for am entire day just to come home and eat what feels like way too much because I'm so used to barely eating anything. All my alters are unstable to really front much and whenever they do we have to at least Co front because they can barely hold a conversation past "are you OK?" "Yes". In fact the host of this system had simply gotten so bad to a point where I had to sort of "take over" the roll as history despite not being the host.

And then there's the case of my anor3cia. I want to starve myself to the point where im nothing but skin and bones and that I'm skinny and prettier than i am, not to mention the fact that (at least for me in this system) I am trans demi female (she/they) and stuck in this honestly horrible amab body that I would quite like to rip apart with my own nails.

Which then leads on to my sh and general self destructive habits. I only ever really cvt to cat scratches and on occasion I go to styro, but it's always random and not really on purpose. I aim for styro and deeper styro than I would usually hit but only ever usually end up with baby styro or deep cat scratches because muscle memory doesn't let me go past that because of the one time I hit beans 2 years back, which somewhat traumatised the old host and yeah. Now I'm here and my tumblr is full of sh pics and I see beans and very deep styro on a daily basis with little reaction due to the fact I'm "used" to seeing it at this point and crave for it so much yet I never f-cking do it. I do still only aim for styro and I do not wish for beans because of how it would most likely need stitches and I do not want to have to deal with the consequences. Especially when I'm already being admitted to school therapy and have had multiple referrals to professional therapy and I do not want to add to the growing list of "issues".

All in all, I would like to k-ll myself and with the fact the host did something that made our closest friends hate me and her, it only makes it worse because now I am going to have to rely on another friend I have to vent to who does not even know I am a system and has never heard me really vent before.

So, to conclude, I am in a very rough patch and would very much like to d-e or just dissappear without anybody noticing. Or rather disappearing without noticing the host is gone.

[rabid-orannge]

im sorry for not posting art as often, ive been feeling really burnt out lately. the studying feels like it's not worth it, the assignments lay untouched for weeks and even approaching deadlines and possibility of getting bad grades for not turning them in on time don't motivate me anymore. i have four major assignments (two interactive experiences, a shopping website and a set of videos for tv channel branding) and the amount of work i need to do scares me. i don't know where to start. i don't even know if i chose the right direction in the first place. and on top of that i have trouble with lab works for another subject, and im very far behind. it all feels overwhelming. and i also feel like im not good at being a good friend. my only friend is the only person who knows me for a long time and isn't annoyed with me when i act like an idiot. but they have their problems too, even worse than me. im afraid that something bad could happen to them and i wouldn't even have a way of knowing it. i feel like i can't be a good friend if i can't help beyond offering moral support. my father calls me inadequate whenever i show strong negative emotions and i don't want to bother my sister, since she's younger than me. i feel like im burdening my friend who's also younger than me. i fear that i might be accused of horrible things for being over 20 and talking to a person that's younger than 18, even though we met when i was 15 and still in school. i feel helpless. i can't even form any habits of doing house chores even if i know i have to do it, and being called lazy doesn't help. dad says he loves me and wants to help me recover from burnout, but it feels like all he cares about is my performance and ability to get shit done. i just want a break from studying. he keeps pestering doctors about prescribing me a drug that helped him when he was my age and antidepressants didn't help him, keeps comparing my condition to what he went through (to clarify, what he went through was VERY DIFFERENT) keeps talking about how i have his gene inheritance so it should affect me the same way it affected him, but they all refuse because the drug in question is now on federal narcotic substances list (and for a good reason). i feel like he only sees me as a reflection of himself in a funhouse mirror. like all he cares about is only the things i achieved or can achieve. like he doesn't want to see me as my own person. i keep worrying about bad things happening to my only family members and my only friend, i keep obsessing over things, i keep having angry outbursts and anxious fits of nausea, and i can't do anything about it. i go to university on autopilot. i can't even study efficiently anymore. i feel like dad invalidates my feelings. i hate it when he talks about how "every woman must marry and have babies to be tRuLy HaPpY" and how i "achieved so much". my achievements don't make me happy anymore. i haven't talked to my sister in two days despite living in the same apartment. dad admitted i need therapy only after i snapped at him and started shouting at throat-tearingly high frequencies. i feel like the only loved one who is willing to actually listen to me is my only friend. i really want to help my friend with their situation, but i was so caught up in my savior's complex i neglected myself. it hurts. i don't want to pursue my education anymore. i want my own father to actually listen to me and take my feelings seriously. i want to help my only friend stop hating their own appearance without destroying their physical health. it hurts.

i don't even know what to do anymore. im not fit for living on my own. im infantile and immature. i only think in black and white, exaggerate, overreact, catastrophize, make elephants out of houseflies... im starting to doubt the adequacy of my own thoughts. im broken. i feel like father only wants to help me to feel better about himself as a parent. like all he sees in me is what i do, not who i am. like all he sees is a duty to raise the daughters he and his wife brought into the world. i feel like all he sees in us is just a continuation of my mom and himself.

i don't want to study on my specialty anymore. i just want for everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.

[vtori73]

Personal post below

(just ignore):

I'm just putting this out there for myself because no one's really here except me, lol. Anyway... it just seems weird to start off your first kiss with someone with tongue. I'm sorry but it just seems like borderline boundary crossing unless you know for a fact they like that or are okay with that sort of thing, it just seems so presumptive at the very least.

I guess I'm just not over how my first kiss went which was when I was in college & was with tongue (sort of, basically just slipped it in my mouth at the end of the kiss, which I will admit I wasn't prepared for any of it & didn't really do shit because I'd never kissed at all before). It may have not really meant anything or could have been a possible red flag because tbh that first relationship of mine was... wasn't great. Just a lot of boundary crossing on their part that they didn't really want to or like to admit to & honestly is probably why they broke up with me, or what I theorized a long time ago closer to when it happened which was that I just became too much of a handful and they wanted out. They just wanted me because they were lonely & on the rebound and I was there, inexperienced and easy to please/take advantage of. I think I really was just their sexual gratification honestly, or at least that's what it seems like I was when I think on this shit nowadays because it just kind makes sense.

Not saying it was all bad though, there were good times but I don't think there is a good enough reason to think of them. But, part of me wants me to be nice and open to the idea I'm being one sided/overreacting about my past relationship but another part of me also knows Im not and just trying to make excuses so I don't really have to face the actuality that I was basically taken advantage of. I'm not saying it was intentional intentional but basically it's kind of what of happened. Even though I didn't expect a lot I did have some expectations that were basically crushed a lot that I never voiced to them because I figured I was being unreasonable, mean, picky, whatever.

Like one thing I will never get over was a card I got for my birthday from them that was... bad, it was bad. It was a homemade card that barely said anything of substance & literally barely said anything. It was just sad and seemed like something someone much younger could/would make & was either something done with the least amount of effort or something done at the last minute and I remember feeling nothing but disappointment however I knew I couldn't voice those feelings, I mean they made me a card so who am I to complain? I mean it would be wrong to expect more since they didn't have money to spend at the time but their roommates actually got me something for my birthday which was a surprise to me and I honestly thought it was very sweet and kind of them, I do hope they know how much I appreciated it. Part of me does wonder if they felt bad for me, not necessarily because of that, I feel like I may possibly have some vague memory pointing in that direction but I honestly can't recall so *shrugs.* I don't remember any other details about the card, I got rid of it long ago & have a horrible memory but I had kept it at first because I'm a sentimental person regardless.

Anyway, I don't really want to get into the worst stuff that happened in the relationship, that's a little too personal and raw for me that while I think about occasionally is still different from actually typing or talking about out loud its... just too personal. I just wanted to get into the more light/petty stuff I've never had the chance to say to anyone, literally I've never told anyone the about the card (or at least I don't think I have). I think there were other petty things I took issue with but I honestly don't remember anymore that one was honestly the biggest one. I'm also going to say this because I feel like I have to but I don't for one second think I was perfect and made mistakes, I know I did, I may not know or aware of everything but I do know I did make some mistakes, my memory no longer remembers much so I don't really know if certain things were my fault or theirs but regardless this doesn't apply to the things I know for a fact they did wrong that hurt me back then and probably still affect me today.

Honestly, after this relationship I had/have a hard time seeing myself pursuing romantic relationships. I actually haven't liked anyone since and honestly im thankful for that because I'm definitely not in a place to be in one and wonder if I ever will be or if I even deserve to be in one. I just can't help but feel like I deserved what happened and that I'm at blame for it all and especially with how I handled some stuff so I just can't help but feel it would be better if I just stay single to not get hurt but to also to avoid hurting others.

[lilbabybackwoods]

these past few months i feel like i’ve switched between feeling like a scared little girl and feeling so sure of myself. i know im not the easiest partner to be with, but fuck i’m trying so hard not only for you but for myself. i want to be enough, i want to give you everything you’ve ever wanted while still making sure to be the best version of myself possible. my mind and heart are constantly at battle with each other, telling me your heart may be in another place, that you may want to run from me. i understand that we caught each other when we were both going through so much at once, that i may have confessed to you how i felt at a bad time, that maybe being fwb would’ve been easier for you. i can’t help how i feel though, you’ve always meant more to me than that, the longing has been there since we talked that one evening in 2017.

i’ll always remember the feeling when you told me you were going back to her, i felt crushed even though i barely knew you. something about the way you impacted me in such a short amount of time, it felt like i knew you my entire life. i felt crazy, i couldn’t believe that my heart that was cold at the time could feel so warm so suddenly. i know you don’t feel bad about it, and you shouldn’t- it wasn’t your fault. it was mine for falling too hard too quickly, i should’ve been more kind, more patient with you when you told me. i should’ve known, you’ve said it yourself, what you two had was otherworldly & ethereal & something most people will never experience in their entire lifetime. when you told me that, i knew i had to be quiet about how i felt back in october of 2023. but at one point, i couldn’t be quiet anymore, i knew that even if i was cast aside by you again, at least i could die knowing that i was honest.

i thought of you more than i cared to admit, those years we weren’t talking & even after you reached out again. all those feelings i thought i could run from came flooding back: the longing, the slight resentment from feeling left behind for better by someone who didn’t even know me all that well, i felt insane. and i tried so hard to hide it. so fucking hard to not tell you because not only did i want to respect who you left me behind for, but i also knew i couldn’t hurt the person i was with.

and now we’re here and i still feel my heart and mind tugging at my physical being sometimes, still wondering what would’ve became if i just never told you how i felt at all. if maybe being with me has added pressure to your life on top of all of the stress you’re already dealing with. i never want to add anything to your life except the happiness you’ve always deserved, the love you’ve always given to others to be returned back to you and to be reciprocated by me. and maybe i do that, maybe i don’t cause any issues, or at least that’s what i try to convince myself every day. because you deserve so many good things, even though i know you don’t believe that sometimes. i wish i could let this foolish heart of mine stop getting in the way of everything, so that i can make you feel what you felt for me a long time ago. last december. i know i can’t compare myself to what you had, i know most people can’t. but i can at least try to be who i am and hope for the best, hope that it’s enough for us and myself. i’m trying to be better, trying to be the person i know i can be.

so i’m sorry, i’m sorry that i get stuck in my own mind sometimes. i’m sorry that i bring up our old conversations, i’m sorry that i feel like this so often. it’s simply my own insecurities and worries that i’ll be left behind again. there’s so many things i want to say to you but are better left on here where you won’t see them, you’ve been everyone’s therapist for long enough. you’re dealing with more than enough as it is. you come first, you always have, and you shouldn’t feel selfish for it either. you’re not a piece of shit, you’re not a horrible person, you’re a bright shining light in the darkness that surrounds us every single day. and i hope someday you’ll see what i see in you.

and if eventually even if i’m not what you want anymore, i’ll still be there, cheering you on, hoping someday, you’ll finally get to sit out on the balcony of your concrete jungle home with a coffee and a blunt and a dog by your side, feeling content with how far you’ve come. you were meant for so many beautiful things, i know you’ll get them all. you deserve to get them all.

[canidfeline]

i still do not like suzan

she is a pitiful person and is generally dislikeable. as an example if you (you as in you, yourself, kleo) talk about exams, she says yeah and then makes it about herself

i do not avoid responsibility here as i do this sometimes but i hope it is known that i try to do it as a sign of me trying to relate/comfort or whatever. but i do admittedly do it

she also doesn't truly care for us because if she did she wouldnt try going to other people every time she has appearance issues. i know she addressed this when i confronted her but that was honestly a half-arsed attempt to clear up a drama i was tired of. back to suzans addressing of it, i am aware its for attention and i am thankful she is aware of it but she continues to do it.

she only cares for herself. every time she joins vc or is in a conversation she streams or makes it about herself. quite literally last time me and lily were in vc she joined immediately and started streaming BEFORE HER MIC EVEN WORKED

she brings up me saying the n word in 2020 yet said it in a genuinely nasty way to lily less than a month ago (which i applaud you for actually noticing and telling her off for)

says she wants more irl friends and is lonely and yet never tries to pursue them or make an effort to not be lonely

i will use milena as an example for how little she cares about the people around her

called her a downy and said something about cutting her wrists (unprompted and without context) and when milena was upset and ran away, she made it all about herself.

here i will quote: ''I messed up and is aid something mean without thinking to Milena and she left the school crying and now im scared she won’t want to be friends anymore so im literally crying in the school bathroom''

SHE is literally crying in the school bathroom. she's scared of losing a friend of hers for the reason that it will hurt her, not the fact that she made someone run crying out of school

and she insulted you when you tried helping which is NOT ON

quote again: ''I called her a downy and said something about cutting without knowing she’d take it to heart and she left the school and hour later with tears and then my friend told me what was wrong about what I said and my form teacher did too so now I’m scared for my behavioral grade and shit I texted Milena trying to explain myself and she only saw one part. im scared they’ll contact my mom and my mom will lash out at me. i feel so horrible''

she doesn't feel bad for milena (she had to be explained what was wrong to her by a friend) she is afraid about HER BEHAVIOURAL GRADE and her mother lashing out at her (which for once would be for good reason)

she isn't scared about losing milena as a person, she is scared of losing someone to lean on for encouragement, reliance and reassurance, and attention. that is how she views her friends (including us)

is overtly sexual while claiming to be asexual a year after claiming to be hypersexual

uses you as a cover

says slurs every time someone brings up lgbtq+ and says the t-slur every time or the f-slur (not saying i havent, although she uses it way more than me). called lily the n-word in a genuinely mean way (the one i said before that you noticed and confronted her about, yet she said to me ''i said it and kleo got onto me it was weird'' when it was deserved)

uses pictures of me saying the n word to make fun of me WHICH WAS FOUR YEARS AGO AND YOU HAVE ADMITTED I HAVE CHANGED UNBELIEVABLY IN THAT TIME. i admit i said it, but she has said it way way waywaywayway more times than me and i never used the hard r

she thinks slurs are funny and something to be made fun of (i have used them in comedic context but i mean she finds the idea of them funny)

lily also told me that when you told her off (rightfully) for saying the hard r, she says quote: ''FUCK HEEEEEEEELP HEEEELP MEEEEEEE. its so over bro kleos angry''

she thinks she is always in the right and by running to lily in dms she clearly wanted someone to back her up and go ''oh isnt this hilarious its just a joke''

i do not like her and she is a genuinely bad and pitiful person

[oxabyssxo]

updating this post again since im suicidal again. life is shit. this continues to be my 2010 tumblr nostalgia + despair suffering blog. previous updates to the post under cut

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i'm updating this post now (end of september 2024) because i'm no longer suicidal. longer personal post about my updated life situation below the cut.

this blog will continue to exist as my 2010s tumblr nostalgia blog, and as a diary of dealing with this relation and abuse until it either ends or improves, when i have nowhere else to write. but the blog will no longer serve its original purpose of distracting myself from death by trying to feel comfortable with nostalgic things.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sadly the whole reason i was suffering so much turned out to be that my gf of 4 years, who supposedly loved me just as much as i loved her and we were going to get married, was severely cheating on me while on long-distance, and lying to me and manipulating me. i was suffering very badly for a year because she had started acting strange, but i didn't think the extent of her behaviour went that far. i believed her and thought she's just having a really bad mental health time, which of course is still true, but i didn't think that it was this kind of delusional and unempathetic episode where she suddenly didn't care i exist anymore.

i was about to kill myself both before she admitted to the serial cheating (because i was suffering so much and so alone from her acting a different personality for 6+ months) and after she admitted (because the betrayal hurt me worse than anything else that's ever happened in my life, and that's something, because my life has been really, really horrible).

but, i got help, and i stayed at a mental ward for some days and was open about what had happened to all docs and nurses. when i felt stable enough to go to my parents' house to stay there, i told my parents what had happened even though i hate them. i also told my siblings (adults). i also told some online friends. it was a huge relief opening up about how abused i have been, even though i hadn't really realised how abused i was throughout the relationship until now.

after that week at the ward, for the first time in my adult life, i experienced some positive feelings inside me while doing things alone with my siblings / online friends and not thinking about my partner. this showed me that i can survive. that i can be happy without her, and without anyone (at least for now).

so ive been suicidal for 7 years, but i'm not really suicidal now. because i found out that i too really can be happy doing things without a partner, but it just takes time and a lot of help to get out of that position where you feel you can't live without them. it was necessary for me to stay at the ward for a while. it was necessary for me to open up about the relationship and abuse to friends and family and have actual support, instead of trying to protect my partner by keeping quiet about it.

i don't know if anyone will ever read this but if you feel like you can't live without your partner even though they hurt you or they're difficult to live with or they outright abuse you, please seek help, do what i did, open up about what's really troubling you in the relationship to someone (a therapist, trusted friends, preferrably both and more). it's not easy to hear "you deserve better" when you feel like that's not the issue - the issue is that you love that person even if you "deserve better". and the love makes you feel you can't handle being without them. but this really heavy aching for them can also pass even if it doesn't feel like it can right now. even if you feel your souls are tied together. i promise it can change. you just really, really need to stop protecting them and open up about it, and get yourself help and support, try to enjoy things just for yourself with other people than your partner, and then take it from there.

i'm leaving my original intro below so you can see the contrast.

xxx

im a wreck on my last chance before giving up. i have been suicidal for years and if it doesn't get better soon i can't handle this anymore.

i dont give a shit if anyone follows or not, but if you do i want you to be aware im anti capitalism, im against all rich people including your fave celebrities and brands (they could be saving lives and the planet but they arent), im queer, im disabled and broke, im against sexism, queerphobia, racism, ableism, colonialism, classism, fatphobia. the governments and the rich ppl with their companies have fucked over our planet and all the rest of us and i despise them.

when i post disney and similar shit im trying to comfort myself with feelings from back when i still felt hope and aspirations and motivation to stay alive which i no longer have. its not out of supporting companies or being blind to issues. im just a sad human trying to survive and dont know how. if you know how then tell me.

i wanted to be an animator or a comic artist or make games. i liked taking photos, crafting, cooking, going out on walks or biking, singing, going swimming, and horses. i dreamed of being fitter so i could wear more fun clothes and feel happier about the person in the mirror. i wanted to be loved. but i couldnt and cant relate to others because im queer and im weird. i dont like most people and because of that i dont have any real friends. im so lonely. i cant relate to anyone. im never represented anywhere. i just wish that i couldve gone to uni and gotten a degree in something i liked and gotten a job in something i liked. instead im laying here alone and wondering how much longer i can hold on before i give up.

[tsukkishinata]

I don’t have to explain this to anybody but I guess I just personally want to see for myself if I can put into words why I was never into Kage////Hina. I mean I feel like kghn isn’t even as popular as it could be now a days (whether because manga readers gravitate towards the new Hinata ships or the big hq ship is Iwa//////Oi and etc)

Anyway, for me, I really love great partnership and power couples but something about them felt off from what I look for in ship dynamics

I do admit that they do look good, dark hair tall Kags and small sunshine Hinata and together they make the karasuno colors. Match made in garbage dump (IM REFERENCING CROWS I DONT MEAN THEY ARE TRASH SHIP)

Maybe it’s because Kageyama isn’t the grumpy broody seme to Hinata’s bright energy as I expected. Like yeah he’s still grumpy and all but he’s also an idiot and I love him for it. Also as they grow together, Hinata isn’t really scared of him anymore. (Of course Hina just is the type to make jabs and then go on defense when they retaliate) I think even though season 1 was fun, I didn’t love the characters until season 2, when Hinata finally starts wanting to learn to stand on his own.

The way the monster duo were framed in season 1 was never really a bad thing, how Kags was the Oni and Hina was the weapon, they always framed it as A Powerful Duo. I guess maybe that wasn’t the dynamic I was into because I much rather liked Hinata fighting back and wanting to stand on his own. In hindsight it kind of feels like he’s breaking away from a controlling relationship, which sounds horrible for Kags but that’s kinda what it looks like.

I also kind of equate them to the hot headed stubborn type of ships (Hiji////Gin) where they are different in personality but are also super similar. Not exactly the right analogy, but since the monster duo both love ball and playing, they vibe that way but personality wise they are opposites.

Also getting more into the series, I vibe more with Kags being in the AroAce spectrum. While yes do I ship KageGuchi, I still prefer AroAce Kags. I guess it also just feels like I can’t see Hinata taking care of Kags the same way I would with any other Kags ship. (Not in a sexual way) Taking care in a way where he’s looking out for him? can’t really explain but since Hinata and Kags are always Ball On the Brain 24/7, they both need someone who are a more level headed and know when to stop.

I mean I wasn’t into TskHn from s1 either even though the sunmoon dynamics have been there from the start. Perhaps I just didn’t vibe with the charas as much until later. Anyway, season 2 training camp is peak, growth for Hinata and Tsuki backstory and everyone else of course.

[keefwho]

October 26 - 2023 Thursday

8:03am

I always jump the gun on things but this time feels different. Maybe I really did figure out the change I needed, actually letting my emotions show. Or at least on a level I haven't in a long time, Im probably not an expert on expression yet. All I know is that the dark pit I always feel inside is not affecting me. It's not gone really, it feels more like I opened up to it so now I can see it for what it is and I can see past it to a better future. It's existence is caused by repression, a lot of which comes from fear. I hide so much and it's damaging to me. Maybe I finally took enough damage that I can't put up with it anymore. I'm once again coming to terms with my own wants and needs and actually trying to assert them. I'm telling myself it's okay to have those needs and it's okay to feel sorrow or frustration when they aren't met.

I saw Daisy's repost about love not being a performance but instead an exercise in faith, knowing your significant other will always be there no matter what. I knew this at some point, I've understood this before. In my fear I've been drawn to a constant need to perform to prove myself because I struggle to see the value in who I am. I hate to admit that for awhile now I've been in a bad place that I've also been scared to speak up about. So scared that I even hid it from myself. After some time to think and confirm how I'm feeling, likely over the weekend, I know I need to have a talk about all this. It's scary but it's for the sake of moving forward and making sure this kind of problem doesn't explode into something big. I know how messy it can be to deal with all this but if I don't do it, it'll just stay the same and continue to hurt me. I feel some kind of amazing liberation finally confronting this, I just hope it all works out. Also I'm 95% certain Daisy reads this journal, or at least knows about it. If thats true then HI.

11:28am

I'm anticipating a horrible, lonely weeked. I just want it to be Monday already. Maybe even Tuesday or Wednesday. I don't want to be conscious the next few days.

I feel like I'm draining, or like I'm a burden. Especially with all these problems of mine lately. I feel like when I'm seen approaching its like "Oh boy, time to put up with this guy." I don't want to be that. If I could go back in time I might have refrained from being as outwardly emotional as I am. I can feel it taking a toll on my relationships.

I had to stop streaming so I could have a good cry. I'm trying to be aware of what exactly I'm crying about and accept those feelings. I'm sad at the uncertainty I feel regarding how things will turn out and how hard it is to feel so broken. I'm sad that I don't feel cared about in the way I want to be. Good reasons to cry.

3:44pm

I constantly bounce between feeling okay and not.

It's helping a lot to realize it's okay for things to be bad and to feel bad about them. Before I would either suppress sadness or try to justify why things weren't how they should be. But sometimes things suck and I'm valid feeling sorrow. Its way better that pretending that everything should be okay or that I should have a different response.

10:37pm

This morning I had a breakfast sandwich and brown rice. I went to the store with mom right after to pick up drinks for the weekend. She talked a lot with her coworker. It was snowy so we had to drive slow too, which was nice. I love how the first snow looks on everything.

Stream kinda sucked. I did Inktober with no other warmups. I drew the corner of my high school room that used to have my TV and laptop setup, got kinda nostalgic about it. Season 1 of Mia finished and was epic by Mia standards. Panthea's face didn't show which I expected, they must not have had the budget. He Man was good. For the group commission I line a character but had to redo it because I misinterpreted the entire pose which was my fault. I ended stream because I was sad and wanted to go cry so I did. It didn't last long and afterwards I joined David's server to finish the commission. It was nice in there this morning, I wasn't annoyed like usual.

I left them to go get lunch which was surprisingly good homemade soup. I think I had a cool little recipe going on. It took longer to cook than I thought so I was late to my afternoon productivity. I spent that time drawing something for Daisy's rats. I have a direction for it and I'm trying to make sure it comes out extremely good so I couldn't finish it today. For awhile I got into the flow of things listening to music on blast. I stopped to take a break and watch a stream. Daisy offered to Zelda and chill at one point so we did that and I wasted a bit of time looking for a beetle. I switched to dungeoning and Daisy had to leave halfway through since her mom came home. I finished the floor I was and got off to eat my usual chicken and fries dinner. While Daisy was in bed I played Cities Skylines. We talked just a little bit about feelings but I didn't wanna say too much because I need to compile what it is I really want to say because it feels like something important is happening with me right now but it's early into it. I want to be intentional about moving forward so I can hopefully break this cycle of mine.