#like i cant stop myself from saying it i cant bottle it up like before

[mushed-kid]

.

[pixiesfz]

would you write for alexia putellas?

okay I always find it hard to write for Alexia but I finally thought of a good plot

inspired by Olivia Rodrigo's unaired song

prison for life a.p

plot: you've always been independent in life but when Alexia walks in you cant help but want her to protect you.

warning: idk

You sat in front of an interviewer in front of the goal posts as he asked questions about your new signing to Barcelona FC.

"So what caused the change from United to here?" he asked and you smiled "Change of scenery I think, there is nothing wrong with the club and I cherish every memory I have there" The interviewer nodded his head "So you don't feel for the comments saying you are moving just to get wins under your belt?" he asked slowly, almost as if he was scared to ask the question.

Your eyes slightly squinted at him but you leaned back as you remembered it is only his job "I'm a big girl" you smirked "I'm not going to listen to comments left on my Instagram because they're not the ones controlling my movements, I am" you said with a nod.

The interviewer smiled, impressed with your answer as the camera stopped rolling "You're very good with the media" he complimented you as he packed up his set "thanks" you smiled before returning to practice.

As you reached the other side of the pitch Keira turned to you "any personalized questions?" she asked and you shrugged "talked a little bit about the rumors of why I moved but that's all" Keira nodded "I will say in this team you get asked more personal questions so I'm here if you need" she suggested and you nodded "I'll be fine" you reassured her "yeah?" she asked "I'm good at protecting myself".

You had moved to Barcelona for a change of scenery but to also spend more time with your girlfriend Alexia who lived and breathed the club.

She was injured at the moment so she wasn't at a lot of the trainings and would appear at some games, she was very protective but you knew that... to an extent.

Your whole life you had protected yourself from the prying eyes of others and didn't rely on anyone else so whenever someone offered to help you, you always declined.

They didn't need to, you had yourself sorted.

But as your early weeks turned into months at Barcelona more interviewers and fans started asking more questions and players on the pitch were starting to recognize some of your go to traits which ended in more tackles, risky tackles.

You had never played in the same team as Alexia yet but as she was getting better and sat on the bench you saw her eyes darken whenever a tackle on you was played.

When the game ended you walked over to the bench where she sat and took the water bottle she had out for you "you know if looks could kill Ellie Carpenter would be six feet under" you joked as the girl had slide tackled you at least five times during the game.

"I don't like it when they try and hurt you" she shrugged and you smiled, leaning over to place her hair behind her ear "it's apart of the game Ale, it's her job and she is good at it." you told the blonde and she rolled her eyes "they hurt you, I hurt them" she shrugged before walking off into the change rooms.

You stayed in your place as you watched her go.

"She's so protective of you" Mapi scoffed as she watched your interaction with Ingred "you know it wouldn't hurt if you were that protective over me" Ingred teased "Alexia would go to prison for life if anyone laid a finger on her"

You furrowed your eyebrows at the couple as they walked away from you still babbling about how Mapi could be more protective of Ingred.

You looked around the crowd before walking around to say hello and sign t-shirts for the crowd.

You always did the lap, some girls stopped every now and then because some of the fans could be too much but you were always good, protecting yourself when something would go too far.

But when a man tried to convince you to take off your playing shirt and give it to him you thought about Mapi's words.

You wish you had Alexia here to protect you.

But you had never invited her too, always making excuses for people or sticking up for yourself.

You knew you could protect yourself but you wouldn't mind Alexia saving you.

You bid the man farewell as he groaned at your non-willingness to take off the top.

When you went home that night you took another hot shower as Alexia cooked dinner you couldn't stop smiling over the fact that Alexia cared so much about you.

When you got out of the shower and changed, you went to the kitchen and wrapped your arms around Alexia's toned stomach.

"comfortable?" she asked and you nodded "very" Alexia laughed "almost done, go put something on the TV" she suggested and you nodded, kissing her back which was covered by a singlet and walking to the couch and picking a television show.

You sat in the corner as you waited for Alexia, your mind wondering into situations where Alexia could save you and how her arms could hold you oh her arms-

"penny for your thoughts?" Alexia said as she put your plate down in front of you "not thinking much" you shrugged and Alexia rolled her eyes "I know when something is on your mind amor" she said and you ducked your head into your arms out of embarrassment.

"It's silly"

"I doubt it is" Alexia moved closer to you and picked up your head with her fingers so you would face her "are you okay?"

"I'm fine I just-" you stopped yourself and Alexia nodded for you to go along.

"Well my whole life I've always stood up for myself and solved my all problems" you started and Alexia nodded "I know, it's one of the things I love about you"

You blushed as she kissed your cheek "And today when I saw your eyes on the pitch and then what you said after the game I realized that I can also allow you to protect me" you said softly

"And I just really like the fact that I have you and that you care about me so much to even suggest hurting someone who hurt me" you laughed at the end.

"I would do more than just hurt them" Alexia quipped and you smirked "would you say you would end up going to prison?" you asked, thinking of Mapi's comment from earlier.

"For life".

[stovetoast]

pillow tpot headcanons (long ramble expanding on the ocd part under the cut)

ok so first warning: i am not a psychiatrist. this isnt a super educated essay on ocd, just me projecting my lived experience onto an object show character. this is just an observation. if i get something wrong feel free to correct me, ill add it here. (its also worth noting i am self diagnosed. not "quick google search" self dx though, ive gone over it with a therapist and everything)

and that leads into the second warning: this ramble will get a tad bit personal sorryyyy

and finally the third warning: i put she/it on the ref but im just using she/her for simplicity (+ i forgot LOL(

anyway so yeah i think that pillow has ocd and is basically the embodiment of "letting intrusive thoughts win" except like. actually. this headcanon didnt stem from the killing or the strange impulses though, i think she has it because of her fixation on good and bad luck in tpot 10.

for me it manifests in a few different ways. my main one is counting—i have good luck numbers and bad luck numbers. i need to take a specific number of snacks every time i have a bowl of them. i have to shake medicine bottles a certain amount of times before taking them. i am always counting the "syllables" of whatever im doing, and it always has to land on a multiple/factor of my lucky number. and if i break any of this, i (generally, if i cant convince myself its fine or if i dont notice) have to count to my lucky number otherwise something bad will happen. hell, i added more flags to this ref because the number of them was my unlucky number.

i have a few other things that affect it that are completely unrelated to counting, though. like a particularly bad one is that i straight up cant wear certain articles or clothing anymore because theyre bad luck. or my ungodly long night routine (which is probably more of an autism thing tbh. but certain parts of it are absolutely influenced by the ocd, like having to say goodnight to my dog).

that ^^ is what i saw in pillow. she was distraught that her team lost in 9, because not only did she think she was doing the challenge right, but killing people (bringing death) was good luck for her.

i think her killing people was a compulsion, and her whole thing in 10 was her scrambling to find a new one after that stopped working.

and before anyone tries to be all like "oh thats fucked up why would they portray ocd like that," one: i dont think this was on purpose this was just an observation, two: i mean..... fuck dude if i lived in a world where revival was incredibly accessible and one of my compulsions were to kill people, id do the same thing. death is fairly normal in bfdi, to the point everyone literally has a kill count on the fandom wiki (hers is 13 as of tpot 11 btw, a commonly unlucky number ironically enough. if she gets eliminated in 12 with an unlucky kill count thatd be so funny). once they get past the pain, its. really just an inconvenience to them.

when it comes to ocd, you. HAVE to do these things. its not a choice until you can get some outside help with it, and oftentimes its an inconvenience to those around you. i dont think its right for her to be going around killing her team, but when i get past the fact that is literally what made her my favorite, i get where shes coming from. shes trying to help in a way she "knows" will work.

or maybe shes just silly idk

[riordanness]

— say don’t go - [tmr!newt]

wordcount: 0.9K

warnings: uh- you have the flare

requested: no

We’d been running for… how long? It felt like forever. Days and days of scorching heat, oppressive sunlight, harsh winds. My throat feels dry all the time, my eyes ache, and my legs are rubber.

At least I have Newt. No one could ask for a better friend. He’s always there for me, right beside me no matter what. He gives me the water even though I know he must be just as thirsty as I am.

He makes sure he’s the one carrying the pack we’re supposed to be sharing; he’s always taking my turns.

How can I tell him I know I’m not immune? That the cranks scratched me back in that old warehouse a few days ago? The weight of knowing my days are dissolving in front of my eyes is so heavy I can barely breathe. What should I do? What does anyone do, knowing you’re about to die?

I know I have to tell him soon. I can’t keep putting it off — it’s killing me in more ways than one.

Minho calls for a stop hours after nightfall. I have lost complete track of time; too lazy to keep track with my wristwatch. My head is fuzzy enough as it is.

Newt glances at me, and gives me a weak smile. I try to return it, but I can’t. I collapse to the ground, my knees giving way after one too many hours of walking.

Newt is at my side in an instant. “Are you alright?”

I try to nod my head. “Just… tired. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He holds out our shared water bottle. There’s barely a gulp left in the bottom.

I shake my head. “You take it. I had it last.”

“No.” Newt is serious. “You need it more than I do. Besides…” He hesitates, but doesn’t continue. I’m too scared to ask what he means.

I eventually give it and take the water, the few semi-cold drops helping immensely. I feel my body shutting down, my eyes trying to close.

Newt shifts over to sit beside me. “Go to sleep, love.”

I don’t even try to stay awake. I lean against him and am instantly in darkness.

The next thing I know, I’m startled awake. I don’t know why, as it’s still pretty dark, the air is still cool, and none of the boys have stirred. I wonder briefly if a sound in the night woke me, but I see and hear nothing.

It’s probably just the growing anxiety and disease taking over my brain. I inch away from Newt, desperate not to wake him. He’s been doing so much for me, for everyone. I owe him my life ten times over, and I don’t want to disturb maybe the last peaceful sleep he may get.

I get to my feet, and my eyes stray to Newt’s sleeping face. I have a ridiculous urge to touch his cheek. He looks so soft and pretty and perfect, just laying there.

I force myself to turn around. I walk a minute, until I stumble across a little boulder and sit down, my chin in my hands. This illness inside of me is eating me up. I can feel myself fading away, everything that makes me me slowly dissolve into nothing.

I don’t know how long I sit there, despairing.

Eventually, someone approaches. I can tell by the slightly uneven footsteps who it is even before they speak.

“Hey, Newt.” I have no emotion in my voice, struggling to keep it even.

“Y/n,” he replies, gently sitting beside me. “What’s up, love?”

I shrug. “Nothin’.”

Even though it’s too dark to tell properly, I know he’s got his you-are-such-a-bad-liar face on. “Y/n.”

I sigh. “Okay. Fine. I—“ But the words die in my throat. I can’t seem to find the right way to tell the boy I love more than anything that I’m about to, well, die.

“You have the bloody Flare.” The anger in Newt’s voice takes me by surprise more than the fact that he knows.

“What—“

He slams his hand into the rock we’re sitting on, cutting me off. “It’s not fair!” He hisses. “We have to fix this, we have to—I cant, lose you—“

His voice cracks, and I hear him inhale sharply, like he’s trying not to cry.

That makes me break down. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I sob. “I just—I didn’t want… I don’t know. I just don’t want this.”

“Nobody shuckin’ wants the Flare, Y/n.” Newt’s voice is gruff, but almost teasing, a little reminder of what we used to be together. Joking, teasing best friends.

That makes me break down completely, and I cry heartbrokenly into my hands. I feel Newt wrap his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. I cry into him, clinging to his shirt like it’s my life.

“Newt,” I manage. “I’m going to die.”

“No you’re not.” His tone is firm. “I’m not gonna lose you. I—I love you, ya dumb shank.”

“What…?” My tears come to a hiccuping stop, and I lift my head to look at him. “You…”

He lets out an embarrassed chuckle. “Yeah. Sorry. Bad timing?”

I shake my head, a smile on my face despite it all. “I love you too, idiot.”

“Oh,” Newt laughs. “Oh, okay. Good.”

I lean towards him, pressing a kiss to his mouth. “Just hold me, please? Help me forget for a while.”

And Newt does exactly that.

[urperfectcinnamonroll07]

Hiii I love your writing so much!! If it’s possible can I request smth with red haired Cheol? I haven’t been able t stop thinking about him ever since the concert 😩

Red

requested?: yes pairing(s): choi seungcheol x afab!reader genre: fluff, smut warning(s): smut, unprotected sex (wrap it hunnies), oral (f recieving), slight mention of alcohol (wine), not proof read (i'm a lazy bitch, dont judge) summary: 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘰𝘭 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘥𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘵. word count: 1.8k a/n: omd his red hair is going to be the actual death of me!! hope this satisfies what you were looking for anon:). remember to eat and drink something, love yas, mwah! (P.s i am actually so sorry i haven't been active that much, i haven't had a lot of time or the motivation for a lot lately, but i promise i will try my hardest to pull myself together and write more lol, or i will let yous know if i am going on a break, but love yas and thanks soooooo much for the support and love you all are giving my account!) (Pps i got very lazy with this if you cant tell, so there isnt a lot of mention of his red hair sorryyyyy)

you were the first person to see cheol’s new hair. he had texted you to come over “urgently” but, oh boy, were you in for a treat.

you got to his house and practically pounded on the door for him to open up, when he opened the door, you looked up at his slightly taller frame urgently, asking what was wrong frantically when you cut yourself off. he was standing there, gorgeous as ever, with bright cherry coloured hair. your mouth fell agape.

he looked so sexy, it was almost like a flip was switched inside of you that made you want to worship him, fall to your knees and worship him like he was your god, because, hell, he looked like one.

“you don’t like it?” he said, and his face fell. you were quick to shake your head and take his face in your hands, kissing him passionately.

“don’t like it? honey, i love it” you say as you both pull away.

he was then even quicker to smile and grab your neck, pulling you in for another hot kiss, but this one was less like the other that was sweet and sensual, no, this one was a lot more frantic and needy. but, oh lord, none of you cared. you felt cheol’s tongue swipe at your bottom lip, asking for entrance, to which you gladly accepted. he grabbed your waist with his free hand and pulled you through the doorway into the threshold before closing the door and pinning you against it, his palm flush against your throat. you let out a small whimper as he pulled away.

“well, with that kiss, i think i can tell you like my hair, sweetheart” he teases, taking both of his hands away from your body and walking off towards the kitchen.

“where are you going?” you call out.

“you want a drink, sweetheart?” he calls out, ignoring your question, you make your own way towards the kitchen.

“you aren’t gonna fuck me?” you ask, ignoring his question as he did yours.

“not yet, gonna make my sweet girl wait, get her all worked up so she gets exactly what she wants later on tonight” he says nonchalantly, grabbing two wine glasses before grabbing a bottle of wine from the cabinet above the sink.

he then fills the two glasses up before turning around to hand you the glass, but you weren’t there. instead, you had silently made your way towards the living room, sitting on the sofa furthest from the kitchen and turning away towards the window and looking out of it. cheol made his way over to you quickly, placing the glass on the small side table beside the side of the sofa you were sat on. cheol tried to get you to look at him, but instead you looked straight ahead, where he wasn’t. cheol made his way in front of you, standing up.

you moved your head to the right hand side, again, avoiding looking at him. but cheol wasn’t having this, so he grabbed your chin with his right hand and made you look up at him. he looked down at you with a stern gaze, to which you certainly grew shy under. you don’t know what it was, but it was something about the way he grabbed your chin, or maybe it was the way he made you look up at him, whatever it was, it made you wet, and incredibly horny.

you swallowed thickly as he spoke.

“we can either watch a movie, and you can wait for me to fuck you tonight, or you don’t get to cum at all for the next week. your choice” you blinked once, then twice. he wasn’t joking.

“fine” you say and cross your arms, bringing your face down to not look at him again. cheol moved your head back up to look at him, this time more forcefully.

“fine, what, princess?” he asked

“we’ll watch a movie then” you almost grumble

“such a good girl”  he coos, smiling down at you before letting your chin go and going to close the curtains, then grabbing the tv remote and sitting next to you, putting his arm around you to pull you closer. you two then chose a movie together before settling down and watching it.

•❦︎•

about half an hour later, you were getting worked up. cheol was looking good, just sitting there, and it was almost impossible to stay still. you had your legs strung across cheol’s lap, so any movement you made with your thighs, he would know. you had your back against the sofa arm, cheol’s arm resting on the back of the sofa with his hand drawing soft circles on your shoulder.

it was unintentional when you did it, almost as if your body took over, but you rubbed your thighs together, and cheol looked over at you, with a raised brow. you quickly looked away and pretended to watch the movie, he knew you weren’t. you could still feel his eyes on you a few minutes later, so you decided to push your luck a little further and move your thighs again, just to create at least some friction for your growing wetness between your legs.

“fuck” you heard him mutter, and god, did it sound angelic. you did it again a few minutes later, and then again, and again, and again, until you could feel him growing hard underneath your right thigh.

but you still didn’t look at him, you couldn’t. you knew he would be angry at you, but you still decided to test your luck since he hadn’t done anything about your behaviour yet. so you did it again. this time, it earned a low groan from him, a sound you could have sworn by to be the most gorgeous thing you had ever heard.

“fuck it” you hear him mutter, before a hand is grabbing your neck, and he is on top of you, his lips attach to yours almost instantly, and you gasp. taking this opportunity to his advantage, cheol slips his tongue inside of your mouth, letting your tongues explore each other’s mouths, but it wasn’t long before cheol pulled away again, kissing and biting down your neck, it was sure to leave a mark by tomorrow.

his other free hand, glided down to your waist, to your lower stomach, pressing down to keep your hips down when you tried to grind them up against him. he was quick to rid your shirt and bra, throwing it across the room and sucking on one of your tits. the movie was long forgotten by now. the sucking didn’t last until he moved down your body again, leaving marks on the way and slowly, but surely pulling your shorts down.

it didn’t take long before he was smirking up at you.

“all this for me and i didn’t even touch you? wow princess, i’m flattered” he smirked, hooking a finger in your panties before ridding them, throwing them across the living room.

you looked down at the sight in between your legs, and fuck, did he look attractive. he was looking up at you, his brown eyes piercing into yours, you wanted him to eat you, so bad.

“please cheol” you whimper “please put your mouth on me” you almost moan out.

he just simply smirks before nodding and getting to work. he let out a low groan as his mouth came into contact with your pussy. he licked a stripe up your folds, gathering your juices on his tongue before stopping at your clit. he didn’t waste much time to getting to sucking you.

he sucked your clit as it his life depended on it, as he did most nights when you were both about to go to bed and he just climbed in between your legs and ate you out until you passed out from how much you took, how many times you came. but it wouldn’t be like that tonight, not likely anyways.

he was quick with how he sucked on your clit, and how his tongue stimulated your clit. he almost had you cum on his face, but just as your moans got louder and your sounds sped up, signalling to him that you were close, he pulled away just as fast. you whined when you felt his tongue leave, the warmth of his mouth somehow evaporating just like the feeling of your oncoming orgasm.

“good girls don’t get to cum when they were being a tease” cheol says in that teasing voice of his.

“m’ sorry, please let me cum” you whimper out, cheol just stares at you, expecting you to say more in order for you to be able to cum. “please let me cum, i promise  i’ll be good, i swear” you practically beg.

“fine, i guess i’ll let you cum since you asked so nicely” he says, feigning an annoyed sigh.

then he gets on top of you, quickly ridding himself of his shirt and bottoms, pulling his already hardened dick from his underwear. he smirked as he looked at you, having seen your pupils widen upon seeing his dick. his eyes were filled with lust and passion as he grabbed your chin for the umpteenth time to look up at him, his face was holding his infamous smirk as he swiftly slid his dick inside of you.

he waited a few seconds for you to adjust before he started moving his hips s his dick was sliding in and out of you in the most delicious way possible. but the feeling got even more delicious when cheol started speeding up so his hips were practically pistoling in and out of you, making your moans even louder. cheol leaned down to press open-mouthed kisses to your neck, still thrusting as hard as ever.

he had his hands on your hips to keep you still while he pounded into you, skin slapping against skin echoing off the walls as well as your loud moans, that were getting louder by the minute when cheol decided to put his thumb on your clit and begin rubbing harshly, making you feel ten times better. you let out an especially loud moan when he hit that spot inside of you that made you see stars, the part that made you feel like you were about to cum as soon as he hit it for the first time that night.

you felt him smirk against your neck as your moans started to get louder and louder, cheol knew you were close, but didn’t stop, chasing his own orgasm as well.

not long later, you reached your peak, your juices spilling all over his cock as you came harder than you ever had in your life, but you weren’t complaining. your vision blacked out for a few seconds as you came down from your high, seeing cheol smirking down at you, having came himself.

“holy fucking shit, that was hot” he spoke out, you said nothing but just nodded, “lets get you in the shower, yeah?” you again, just nodded as cheol picked you up and carried you bridal style to the bathroom.

[my-mom-named-me-duck]

this rant spiraled into a vent.

read at your own risk.

your triggers are your responsibility not mine.

I'm too fucking lazy to put every possible trigger in the tags.

don't read this if there's a possibility you'll get triggered.

do you ever feel too scared to be sad? am I just weird? like im ok with joking about bad things that have happened to me but I just feel absolutely terrified to take myself seriously and let myself just kinda be a puddle

I'm the positive one I'm the one who always makes jokes I'm the entertaining one in so many peoples lives and I'm so scared of not being that because that's all I've ever been for so many y people for so long

what am I if I change

what will happen to me if I quit the act

I've slowly started to be less positive and I've lost so many friends and I've been forgotten by so many people so what will I become if I just stop being the funny lil guy

my friends and family are genuinely disturbed by what I've become slowly over time but its not like I've changed inside I've just gotten so burnt out by putting on a mask and its beginning to slip

im just so tired of this but I know I'll be dropped by everyone I care about if I cut the act

my mom already forgot me and all of my former friends either don't care about me or hate me

im just tired I'm tired of putting on a smile just because people are disgusted by me if I don't

im tired of being responsible for everyone's mental issues

im tired of picking sides

im tired

i just throw my problems into the void that is Tumblr because no one from my life will read this

i cant even talk to my therapist because if I do she'll have to make a report and I'll be sent back to the mental hospital so I just gotta bottle everything up and just fucking smile

auntie if you're somehow reading this through the parental controls. fuck you. I fucking hate you I wouldn't have fucking scars on my arm if it wasn't for you I wouldnt feel scared to talk to people about my problems through the internet if it wasn't for you I wouldn't feel so shitty if it wasn't for you I fucking hate you. every time I see my fucking arm I think of you every time I see that fucking dog in the corner of my screen I'm reminded that you're watching my every move you and the mental hospital are the reason I always feel like I'm being watched because I am i have no safe outlet I have no one to go to and I just sit here and boil in my stress yet you think this is way healthier than before how the fuck do you even think that this is the first time in years I've even had passive suicidal thoughts yet you see this as better fuck you I fucking hate you you're the reason I wanna drink again because I feel like absolute shit fuck you.

im not ok and I'm sick of trying to pretend that I am

I'm tired of being nice to the people who hurt me I'm tired of waking up every day I'm tired of this I'm tired of people pushing their mental issues on me I'm sick of people trying to feel sorry for themselves by saying "oh you feel like shit it must be my fault so let me make you feel guilty by blaming your problems on myself making you have to be my therapist and convince me that I'm not the reason you want to cry yourself to sleep making you feel even worse in the process"

i'm done with putting people first when they don't even give a shit about me

[kijosakka]

dramaturgy; celebrity manhunt, pre-london -- im going to make it easy on myself and skim through pre-london first, as the most divergence in this AU happens during and after the fact. part of pre-london is the pre-season itself, the celebrity manhunt special.

so action comes and goes, noah gets out of the season and remains as chris’ PA for the year break. in that time, months before it actually happens, chris finds out about the new season (with producer word both pushing for ‘more drama/engagement’ or smth along those lines, and *noahs actual involvement this time).

while something something contracts might prevent him from just outright telling noah, i’d imagine that he’d all but say there’s going to be a new season and heavily imply that noah wont be able to get out of it this time. not only that but he also implies that maybe noah should give opening up to people on the show a chance,, cause, yk, hes about to be stuck on a jet with them,, for weeks,,

of course, noah is pissed at first. but in so many weeks or whatever he begrudgingly accepts it and just resolves to throw it like usual. as for the ‘opening up to people’, he lands on owen.

owen was nice enough, genuine to a fault and the person least likely to use any of noahs bare slivers of vulnerability against him. hes safe.

[*noahs involvement within the show as something that the viewers are very interested in. he could be ratings gold and they know it.]

now im a little bit torn over the whole ‘chris’ assistant’ bit; similar to the awakeathon i would imagine it might just be missing entirely and he would be fired before the fact. or it could happen, as a way to give his on-screen character some information. as a ‘look everyone, i have Depth. stop prying into my life please’

either way, whatever. *total drama dirtbags show up, chris locks them out of the venue, they dont win any awards, bus chase etc.

^ note here, per usual noah comes off as his usual uncanny self around the cast. sierra is there as well, im sure thats Something for her. however he does take notice of one (1) alejandro burromuerto, recognizing him and focusing on him. < this comes back during introductions, where he notes his behavior towards the cast.

[*total drama dirtbags existed as the original ‘new TD season’ that noah found out about and worked on for a little bit before he finds out that it was not in fact a real show and a coverup for something else (a grab for an extra contestant for WT) < hence, he knows josé from interviews/auditions he helped with, but doesn’t know alejandro since he decided one brother was Enough]

^ and just for extra clarity on the TDD thing bc ive kind of muddled it, say noah finds out about dirtbags, helps out whatever. and then the news breaks that its a fake phish for a new contestant for an actual show — fine enough, he’s already behind the cameras, so he can just stay there, right?

no, actually. its kinda just slung at him that he has to be part of the cast (smth smth his job is threatened under ‘contractual obligation’ like its not wildly unconscionable). and he is soooo pissed off, so incredibly angry at the circumstances he’s landed himself in somehow.

< but he is aware that he cant just bottle everything up because it will spill over; chris said he needs something to his character, so maybe he can funnel his anger into playing the game a little more. as the most outlet he’ll get before he can throw it and just be done with the show entirely.

^ and then,,, alejandro.

while the actual events of pre-london remain largely unchanged, his dynamics are changed with the presence of four different variables: alejandro, izzy, owen, and sierra.

alejandro i’ll get into more later with a longer post detailing what they think of each other mutually, but im gna touch on alejandro a little; with picking off team victory and believing heather is the only person who’s noticed his facade, he just,, doesnt really distinguish noah as a threat worthy of focusing on.

^ throughout the game and the events of, he does single noah out as the most tolerable of all his teammates but doesnt offer much intrigue beyond that until *new york. (to note, he’s a lot more comfortable with [oblivious to??] noahs detachedness than the rest of the cast since that empty demeanor is p common among whatever diplomatic events hes been a part of)

izzy is someone who’s character i established mostly in the long post i had about her?? but it is worth mentioning now though that she does stick very close by to noah throughout her time on the show, and routinely interacts with him where most of the cast had given up trying altogether.

^ it builds,, a kind of rapport between her and noah?? in some way after the fact he’d recognize it as a nice, ‘i-want-to-know-more-about-you-and-also-befriend-you’ thing, but during he reacts more like a yowling cat tbh. he’s built up this reputation and facade that make people stay away from him, and now izzy wants to stick around him and threaten his defense mechanism? no thanks. (< further reasoning for why he belays insults towards her during WT under the guise of his own facade)

owen is a special case — in the bus chase before the season, noah took the time to sit by him and build up the proper beginnings of a friendship, which owen is thrilled about < during his time on island, owen was really fond of noahs quips and ‘just wished he would open up a bit more!!’,, he thinks some friends would b good for him and hes right

^ and again, owen is noahs safest option to 'endear' himself to the audience with a friend. hes so genuine and understanding of where noahs projected character falls flat, and like izzy keeps interacting and wants to interact with him where the rest of the cast gave up (and noah the person becomes very fond of owen and the reprieve their friendship offers him very quickly)

and finally,,, sierra. i actually want to talk more about the Audience as an entity in this AU in a later post and sierra ties into that heavily. as established, noah is the one cast member she just doesn't know anything about. of each blog she runs dedicated to each member of the show, his is the emptiest; the most baseless. being in proximity with the man of mystery is exciting!

^ noah still comes off as very uncanny valley to sierra and his detachedness is immediately clear. but the key difference to her and and cast is that she has the Audience perspective --- he's intriguing moreso than offputting. (and also theres definitely Something there about the meta-analysis of panopticon as an in-universe topic and how sierra would relate/connect that once it becomes clear to the cast why noah acts as he does)

[*new york (same time space as the aftermath?) as the moment when sierra prattles off information about the cast but comes up with nothing on noah that his own interest is piqued just a liitle bit, and he starts building a proper relationship up with noah as the straightmen to the cast. < also come after london is something he looks back on as a Hmm. moment wondering what noah knows about himself.

^ alejandro does believe their rapport is one-sided bc of his own facade, which i want to mention simply bc he's wrong. it is no-sided. both of them r faking.]

now getting to the episodes themselves -- minor changes/additions:

in the yukon, he doesn't try to cuddle bridgette

^ also in the yukon, he shivers less visibly than the cast (think when in cold weather you get those microtremors that really fucking hurt after a few seconds). this is only because it feeds into the android joke-turned-conspiracy for the folks watching on the aftermath set

in new york, he was not actually asleep in the carriage nor did he explicitly pretend to be. he just Kept Quiet when heather did her thing

in germany, he doesn't go up to alejandro when he falls off the platform, but he does prompt owen to ask something along a similar line [to his canon ones]

in the amazon, he's the one to point out owens absence

in paris, the line of 'this totally works on my dog' he changes to smth like 'totally works on dogs',, for his own exercise of privacy really

in the space of the jamaica aftermath, he again disappears from the rest of the cast à la playa des losers save for owen. owen gets a hello during mealtimes and hes the only one.

and finally, the episodes of 'significant' development with noahs intrigue in alejandro:

beginning before any real events of the show during introductions

^ kicked off in germany similarly to canon, emphasized by newfoundland and the grab for DJ's alliance

and cemented completely [his interest in unmasking him] in jamaica, continuing onward with london around when he discovers that alejandro is acting skittery towards him because of his own suspicions

[deaththcekid]

RENGOKU SH COMFORT

Sorry if I haven’t been writing a whole lot guys I’ve just had school and other stuff lol. OKAY SO UHHH…yeah

I’ve been wanted to write a Kny sh short comfort story for a while. As a person who has suffered with sh for a long time I’ve been wanting someone to comfort me for the longest time. So let’s get to it.

Warnings: Self-Harm, Blood, Scars, Blade, insecurities

Rengoku Sh Comfort

When you first got Rengoku you didn’t talk to him about your problem with Self Harming. You’ve tried to stop, and stop, and stop but the rush of pressure and insecurity kept creeping back up to you. One day you just wanted to rot in your bed, you didn’t have any motivation to get up, you just wanted to lay down and cry. You also didn’t talk to him about your insecurities since you have always bottled you your emotions. You just couldn’t take it anymore. You got up opened a secret drawer you had in your room, and pulled out a blade, still has blood on it since the last time you used it. You hated how you look, you hated everything about yourself, your body, face, your personality, your past scars from where you cut, you hated everything. You put the blade up to your wrist and started cutting. The pain, the burning sensation of the blade when you cut deeper into your skin. Blood seeping down your wrist. You stared to cry and cry, nothing was stopping the flow of your tears. You kept cutting deeper and deeper the more cuts you did. Rengoku was away for a mission so you expect him to not be home in a couple on days. The more you kept looking back at your insecurities and your past, you kept going deeper. The flow of insecurities kept getting the best of you. The rush of blood falling down your wrist onto the floor. Before you were gonna do another cut you heard a voice calling out to you. “Oh my little flame in ho-“. As soon as he opened the door he saw you on the floor, crying, bleeding, cutting. He rushed over to you “I-…why?!”. Not knowing what to say. He reached his hand out, “p-please give me the blade!”. You gently gave him the blade still crying. He threw the blade across the room then pulling you into his arms. He started to tear up, “darling why would you do this to yourself”. You started to cry even more. “I’m sorry Rengoku..it’s just that… I cant cope with all of this stuff I’m going through”. You said, “oh little flame, I’m always here for you and if you need someone to talk to I’m right here”. He pulled from the tight hug and looked at the red marks you made on yourself. “Wait here I’ll be right back, don’t move please” he got up and went to get something. When he came back he had Bandages and some alcohol to clean the marks. He sat back down and reached out his hand, “Can I please see your wrist”. You slowly gave him your wrist. He started to disinfect the cuts. Once he put the disinfectant on your wrist you flinched at how bad the stinging was. As he was bandaging it you asked him “A-are you mad at me Kyo?”. “I could never be mad at you.. it’s just that… why didn’t you talk to me about this Y/n?”. Once he was done bandaging it he pulled you into a tight embrace. Tears stared to fall from his eyes. “I was scared to tell you… and I didn’t want you to worry about me”. “Oh Y/n… don’t be scared to talk to me if your feeling sad or insecure”, “I love you so much I never want to see you like this”. You tears stared to creep up on you again. “Shhh it’s okay I’m right here, I’ll always be here for you, and if you need to talk about something I’m right here.” The warmness of his embrace made you feel safe and comfortable. You pulled back and looked into his pretty eyes. “I love you Kyo, and I’ll try to open myself up to you” A big warm smile appeared on his face “I love you too my little flame”. After he said that he kissed you on your lips. Then he started to leave small little kisses all over your face. Then he grabbed your wrist and kissed it very gently. You felt so safe around him. Then he picked you up bridal style “Now lets go get something to eat I’m starving!” You laughed and gave his a kiss. “I love you so much Kyo..” “And I love you so much too my little flame”.

[littlemissfasd]

I wrote this a while ago, Unedited. Long one.

Warnings - mentions of alcohol usage, grief, vomiting, smut.

It had been almost six months since ellie broke up with Hayley, Ellie insisted there was no reason but you knew it was because she lost joel. Since then ellie had barely spoken two words to her, until christmas night.

Every year like clockwork, people would gather to eat, give and receive presents and get drunk. Tonight was that night, myself and a few others spent days helping Maria and Tommy prepare for it, and finally we were done. The chatter and laughter started to take over as more people started to show up. Tommy pats me on the shoulder and leans closer "hey..uh i know you and ellie aren't on the best of terms but she's really struggling."

I let his words sink in and sigh "i'll check on her." He gives me a sympathetic smile "how are you doing?" I ask, knowing its the first Christmas since Joel passed. God i miss that miserable old man.

"I'm getting there." I hand him a drink and nod "He'd be proud of you Tommy." His eyes light up a little as those words leave my mouth, he says nothing instead he pulls me in for a tight hug.

"Don't you ever forget that." I whisper before pulling away, i can tell he needed to hear it as his tears well up slightly. "I'll see you tomorrow okay?" I say, he nods waving at me as i start to walk off.

I walk around the crowd, knowing I don't do well in the midst of them. I walk down the street past Joels house, Maria insisted on putting all of joels favourite decorations up one last time. It looks beautiful. I kneel down placing a single flower on the grass "Merry Christmas Joel." I whisper as i stand up.

"Oh your here" I don't have to turn to know who it is. I can tell just by the attitude, i let out a dry chuckle "Hey Ellie." She says nothing and stays behind me, i turn and she stares blankly at the house.

"So stupid." I look down, staying silent and watching as the woman takes a few steps towards the house.

"He's dead, he cant see this shit." She says picking at the lights looped around the fence.

"Ellie~" she cuts me off with a laugh "don't give me the 'He'd like it' speech. Please." My eyes narrow seeing her hands, bloody and shaking "You're drunk." I comment and she turns to glare at me.

"Its Christmas." I shake my head "You can't handle drink." I say, not trying to sound mad but failing. "God! You're so annoying. You always fucking were. Checking up on shit that never concerned you. Insecure fuck man." My eyes widen at the insults that leave her mouth with ease.

"Wow." I say looking away "you know ellie..i was the one who found you. It was me who got joel back here. No one else fucking wanted to! I found you. I brought you back. I stayed with you. All for you to turn around and what? Throw me out? What, did it get to real Ellie?"

Her eyes widen as she listens to me rant.

"You hurting is not a reason to hurt me. I'm sorry about Joel. I am, if i could change it i would because i cant bare to see you like this." She stumbles slightly, i reach for her grabbing her sleeve to keep her steady.

"Can you take me home?" I sigh and nod "Yeah.." i keep ahold of her sleeve as we walk towards her house, once getting there she fumbles with the keys before dropping them "for fuck sake!" She screams slamming her fists against the brick wall.

"Jesus ellie!" I yell grabbing her hand, my own gets covered in her blood as it pools from her knuckles. I sigh and pick up her keys, unlocking it i turn to her "Go." She mumbles something i didnt catch as she walked inside.

"Sit down ill look at your hand" i say, she doesn't argue for once, she does as she's told. "How much did you drink?" I ask, grabbing the first aid kit she just points at the few scattered beers and a bottle of whiskey which doesn't have much missing from it.

"You know you're not supposed to drink on your medication." I say, i walk to the counter where shes sat and stand in front of her holding my hand out "stop trying to control me." She mumbles and places her hand in mine.

"Please find a dictionary and find the word control because what i just said does not fit under that." She winces as i wipes the blood from her knuckles, i can feel her staring at me but i ignore it and clean her up. "You haven't broken anything but it will be sore for a few days" she just nods, i take a step back closing the first aid kit.

"I don't know how to stop feeling like this." She says, digging her nails into the palm of her hand in an attempt to calm herself down. I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything.

"You came back." She whispers after a moment of silence.

"I promised i would." I mumble, she nods slowly staring into her lap.

"You should sleep. The alcohol mixing with your antibiotics..doesn't feel good. So lets get you to bed before then." I say, fidgeting slightly she nods and hops off the counter "Are you staying the night?" She asks as she walks around the kitchen and into the living room "uh..i can do." I offer, she nods "please." Theres a sense of sadness in her voice, one I couldn't ignore so i agreed to stay.

"Here." She says handing me one of her shirts and a pair of shorts, i thank her and head into the bathroom to change.

-

I wake up to the sounds of Ellie vomiting, i rub my eyes as i make my way to the bathroom. She sits against the toilet shivering "You alright?" I ask, she jumps at my voice and turns to me "I should have listened to you." I chuckle and sit beside her.

"Yes you should." I say matter of factly earning a small smile from her. She groans and rubs her forehead before throwing herself forward, i hold her hair back as she vomits. She lets out a frustrated yell after she finishes "i'm sorry im so dumb" she whispers, leaning her forehead against my shoulder.

"Everyone throws up, el. It's not an issue." She gives me a look and sighs "can you help me change my bedding?" I nod immediately guessing she didn't make it to the toilet fast enough.

"Just..get in the shower and clean yourself up, ill sort the bed out." I say, she doesn't argue and just turns the shower on and i leave giving her some privacy.

Her bedroom hasn't changed, the same posters sit on her wall, the photos of her and joel are gone now though. She used to have them on her nightstand but i guess it was too much.

I walk over to the bed and see a small puddle of vomit on the duvet, i strip it off making sure to put the sheets straight into the sink to get it off. I walk back and check the sheet, its clean but i change it anyway.

Ellie comes in around fifteen minutes later, looking a little better than before. "Thank you." She says motioning towards the bed. "Not a problem. Get some sleep okay?" As i walk past her she grabs onto the sleeve of my shirt "Don't go." My eyes connect with hers to see tears welling up "I'll be right out there, el" she shakes her head as a tear falls "Please. Don't leave." My heart shatters seeing her cry, i nod "okay.." i agree, still holding my sleeve she takes us both to the bed where we lay down.

She had sobered up, vomiting definitely helped that situation but you could tell she still felt rough. Her head leans against my shoulder as she fiddles with my sleeve. "I'm sorry. Not just about tonight..but everything. Yelling at you, breaking up with you. Im sorry."

I listen and nod, "i know." She looks up at me, her eyes look sad and dull "i lost..everyone." I shake my head "i'm right here." I whisper my hand slipping into hers, she tenses a little but softens again and holds my hand tightly.

"I tried everything to distract myself. Nothing worked." She says, her voice dead.

"This feeling wont last forever love. One day you will be okay." I don't even realise the use of the nickname until her eyes widen slightly reacting to it. "Uh.." i laugh awkwardly, shaking her head a small smile tugs at her lips "Don't worry about it.." she says.

I sit up, clearing my throat, she does the same "I mean it..It's okay." My eyes flicker down to her lips.

"Ellie.." i whisper, she hooks her finger under my chin pulling me closer, her lips graze mine causing a gasp to leave my mouth.

"Can i.." she whispers, i nod "Please.." i sound desperate, but in this moment I don't care, i just want her.

She kisses me, softly at first but she grips my hips pulling me into her lap deepening the kiss, i hear a small moan leave her mouth as our tongues clash against each other. I wrap my arms around the back of her neck, pulling away from the kiss.

"Are you..sure?" I ask, knowing her emotions are everywhere and I don't want to take advantage.

"Yes, please.." her eyes soften.

"O-okay.." i nod, she wastes no time and lays me down, hovering over me. "I've wanted this..for so long." She confesses pinning my hands just above my head.

"You could have said el." I mumble, humour in my voice.

"You never gave me an inkling that you..wanted to. Even when we were together" she says with a smirk, i nod knowing she's right.

"Well..now i am so stop talking and do something before i change my mind" her eyes widen at my words but she does as she's told and leans down, kissing my jaw and down to my neck, sucking gently earning a small gasp from my mouth. She likes the sounds that leave my mouth, they force her to lift my hips up forcing the oversized shirt up to sit on my stomach.

I can see the blush rise on her cheeks as she stares at my bare skin "I.." she start but stops herself by scooting down and kissing my bare stomach, with each kiss she goes higher, bringing the shirt with her as she goes. "Off." She whispers when she's sick of having to move it, i lean forward and she pulls it off me, chucking it off to the side leaving me in nothing but my shorts,

"So pretty." She whispers kissing around my chest, I don't have the tome to respond instead a loud whimper leaves my mouth as she bites down gently on my hardened nipple "Ellie.." i whine, she looks up at me almost as if she's trying to read me.

"What, love? Tell me" i shudder as her hands graze my stomach, going down to the drawstrings of my shorts, i feel them loosen and know she has undone them. "Use your words baby." She whispers, my mind is clouded feeling that warm sensation in my stomach worsen with every touch of hers.

"I just..i need you please." I beg, her hand slides easily into my shorts her fingers dip into my drenched pussy "what do you need me to do honey?" I gasp at her fingers, i can feel myself getting wetter by the second "i- i need you inside me. Stop teasing" i stutter like a fool but the smirk on Ellie's face reads she doesn't mind and likes this side of me, the side where i cant even form my words because im so weak by her touch.

"Say please" i let out a whimper at her words, a strand of her hair falls against her face as she stares up at me "please el.." She nods and sinks a single finger into me, i can feel her knuckle against my skin "oh~" my head tilts back against the pillow feeling her finger curl against my insides.

"Please move.." i plead, she says nothing and moves her fingers slowly, i groan and pull her face down to mine kissing her hungrily. Her free hand wraps gently around my throat, she knew i enjoyed choking, it came out in a drunken conversation when we were dating, im more shocked she remembered.

She pulls away from my lips and pushes a second finger in, a loud gasp leaves my mouth "good girl, taking me so well." She nibbles my ear gently moving her fingers at a fast pace, i cant even form words as the pleasure rips through my body forcing my back to arch and my head to fall back "i- im close" ellie looks at me as if she's going to use that as a challenge "Don't coms yet baby." She warns, her fingers pressing a little more pressure to my neck.

I whine at her words "please..i cant.." i pant, she shakes her head tutting at me "Do as your told, you hear me?" I her fingers slow down a little waiting for my response, i nod "words." Is all she says, the way she says it almost makes me finish right there and then. Dominate ellie doesn't come out often but i loved it.

"Yes- yeah" i stutter, she mumbles a 'good girl' before her fingers pick up there pace once more "oh god!" I yell out, covering my mouth because I wasn't expecting my moan to be that loud, she removes my hand "Its okay, i like your noises." My eyes roll into the back of my head as her fingers curl against that one spot, my hips buck against her, she can tell i wont be able to hold it for much longer.

"You need to come baby?" She asks, a smirk sits on her face "yes, please.." i pant, unintentionally trying to wriggle away from her hand. She grips my hip forcing me to stay "nuh uh pretty girl." I let out a groan, i cant hold it for much longer and she's loving every second of my struggle, she leans in close to my ear "come on my fingers baby." With that she thrusts her fingers once more, deeply and harshly forcing my orgasm to rip its way for me.

"Oh fuck!" I moan, my eyes stay shut as she keeps her fingers inside of me, watching as i come against her hand "f-fuck." I pant, my breathing is ragged and uneven as my orgasm ends "good girl." She whispers, she removes her fingers bringing them to my mouth.

"Taste yourself baby." I open my mouth, taking both of her fingers inside. My tongue laps my own release from her as she bites down on her lip at the sight. She removes her fingers, kissing my head.

"Your turn." I mumble.

Her eyebrows raise a little, clearly not expecting that.

-

[famouslastwrdz]

i wake, as i do, in agony. 

i turn over for my painkillers and take three too many. tim pretends not to notice. 

it came out of almost nowhere, that month. ive always had trouble with my knees but i couldnt walk. and then i couldnt extend my arms properly, and couldnt grip anything right. and i thought i was faking it, and then i was seizing on the floor of the hallway whilst my brother kept my head elevated and tried to reach his phone whilst still keeping me comforted. 

and then i was losing my balance on flat concrete whilst walking with friends.

and then i was dropping what i was holding.

and then i was vomiting pure alcohol because no otc painkillers worked for the fire behind my kneecaps and in my thighs. 

and then i was still convinced i was faking it. felt like the kid from the old groupchat. convinced i was just a fraud who wanted to be special.

and then i had a stroke.

i cant think about it too long, cant joke too much about it, cant sit with it. i can joke about anything else but the jokes i make about that are hollow and send me silent in the backs of cars and in my head. i have never felt mortal before then. i slash my wrists and swallow bottles of pills and drink mugfuls of vodka and never once thought i could die in any meaningful way, but for that hour i felt like death was a tangible thing with touchable grace. 

im writing this as a soul above the bed watching my body type and my body is sobbing. wasting away from the inside with gerd and the remnants of a regurgitated mcdonalds and unprescribed medication. 

i think my demeanor makes it easy to assume i abuse substances for the hell of it, just for fun and to have a giggle. lifts my mood for sure, but it frees me. 

i am in constant pain. i dont say that lightly because part of me still screams fraud for every pill i take. but i am in pain all the time and it makes me angry and bitter and isolated. it makes me deny friends, lash out at strangers, ignore family. it makes me beg for just one day a month to stop hurting. 

im sat here now waiting for medication to start working so i can go back to sleep and im staring at blue's "hidden" bottle. 

i cant pray anymore, not the way i need to. it hurts to hold my rosary for that long, fingers locking up on the beads, and i hate it. i hate everythjng. i hate this cage of a body and this poor excuse of a life and my friends who love and care too much to let me die quietly. i am full of hatred and i hate that in itself. i sit in an empty call and hate myself and the world around me. 

they made me a cane and i had to go home and sob. its bright orange, handmade, incredible. an incredible gift. there is so much love in it. i keep crying periodically at it because god, to be loved so much someone makes you an aid, to be given something like that. 

i am surrounded by love and yet i leech hatred into the air the three of us breathe. i turn it bitter and resentful without ever meaning to. i am terrible to hang out with and worse to talk to and i despise that the only thing that made me this way is some unknown parasitical fucking pain, its embarrassing. and it hurts. i would give anything for my forgiveness back, for my unfailing empathy back, my understanding, my kindness. 

i have nothing more to say.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

i went to the metro all by myself for the second time. i love being by myself and travelling. i went to a market via metro. for that i needed to switch lines.

but

what i wanted to talk about was the guy i met at the metro. i was riding back home, maybe seven stations to go. by that point id been standing, and losing the empty seat olympics thus far, jostling a bit and trying to steady my feet as a result of the loss.

from the corner of my eye i see a space open up,between two men. i play this game with myself where i challenge myself to sit between two men in the metro. my act of microfeminism to a level id like to call it. i get to manspread, keep a bitch face, and stare back at all the men that stare at me. its the least aggresive thing one can do after being catcalled, gestured the most vulgar things a person can receive while walking on the streets, in my humble opinion.

as i sit down, my knees finally getting rest after having walked around six kilometres, i took out the bottle of water id bought from the streets. i drink the last few sips, and involuntarily make the sounds of my lip smacking followed by an 'aahh'. i smile to myself.

i wouldnt say i was snooping, but the man next to me quite literally had his phone face up, with full brightness, playing a song from an artist i like. he's wearing a shirt and jeans, with the signature bagpack that screams 'i work at another company that has saturated in the IT industry'. he wears frameless glasses, looks to be in his thirties.

i glance over a few times, just to check but also mostly to indicate to the man that i recognise this song. i cant stop smiling. its not often i find a similar taste in music, and even less often on a crowded metro of a city i barely know. id like to believe im a generally sociable person. in the sense that once a day somebdy asks me the direction to a place, instructions to some action. im also never afraid to help them, infact i love it.

i pull out my phone, excited to text my best friend of this news. she urges me to ask the guy and so i do. it goes something liek this

"hey is this xyz artist?"

he painstakingly removes his earphones. i know people get pissed when theyre listening to music and are disturbed. but i didnt care i nthat moment, i felt the need to know and know and know.

"uh, yeah" he gives me a small smile.

"do u usually listen to this genre?"

"yup"

and i know i shouldve backed off there. i nod with a smile and go back to updating my best friend. i tell her how i love people, these mundane things that form daily routines of every person, that makes them so... them. it warms my heart. its the same feeling i feel when i see children, or old people, or friends.

so i open my Spotify and suggest a song to him. he plays it on his phone, bobbing hsibheas up and down. I'm smiling more because I thjnk of how he'd have to pretend to like it even if he doesn't as much. he tells me he likes it and asks for another suggestion. so I put him on another artist.

"what are u doinf currently?"

"I jut graduated school. planning to join college in a month or two. what about u?"

"haha. in just another IT job." he tells me, with this tone of surrender and 'it is what it is". with some sort of uncertain and embarrasing finality in his tone. i see, I tell him.

we go back to listening to our own music. i don't tell him where in from, or where I stay. I know better not to indulge in those details. I don't even know his name and neither does he, mine.

I know I took him by surprise in the beginning. but I think I love tht about people. maybe it's weird or sadistic or creepy. but I love talking to people. I love getting to know someone. mostly. and he seemed harmless enough.

"well, if was nice to meet u!" he tells me before getting off his stop, ten minutes later.

"bye bye, you too!"

sometimes these interactions make my day. I know I initiated contact with this person but every week I get approached by someone or te other. i love seeing people happy. i love seeing people laugh. i think it brings this sort of positivity in my life, that even if I dotn know anything aboutt them, I helped them in this one instant in their lives. maybe theres some sort of selfishness attached to it. but that's okay to me.

[the-s1lly-corner]

If you dont mind my asking... what does your sleeping cycle/schedule look like? What does your nightly routine look like? Do you also struggle with falling asleep or/and staying asleep?

Obligatory "idk if it's just my body responding to my poor sleep schedule and thus making it worse and making it a cycle" or "theres actually something going on and I've just been simply chalking it up to the first option"

If it matters I am diagnosed with anxiety as well as depression and I know that can have an effect on energy and sleep in general, not currently medicated

Nightly routine is basic; brush my teeth, wash up, vibe for a while before laying down. As of late I've been falling asleep around 8-9 but some nights I do fall asleep later/dont sleep at all

On worse nights where I can't sleep for long its generally like- sleeping for 2-4 hours and then I'm awake for anywhere between 12-16 hours before I start nodding off. The only thing atp keeping me from just going to bed is that I need to cook dinner for us (me + family). Generally no matter how hard I try prior I can't fall back asleep. Usually this repeats over and over the next week or so

THEN the opposite happens; I'll sleep for most the day and only wake up for short periods to do what's required. The last time this happened I was able to make note of how much I slept; roughly 21 hours in a 32 hour period, before I lost track at least.. the times where I was awake was kind of scattered about due to the aforementioned required stuff (feeding myself, bathroom, cooking for the house), similarly this cycle lasts for upwards of a week or more

I hate both of them equally, I always feel so exhausted regardless of which one I'm cycling through- on one hand I cant sleep no matter how tired I am, and on the other I can't stop sleeping and I dont ever actually feel rested

Sometimes I do get a night or two where I actually sleep for a reasonable period and feel rested but that only happens every month to every two months

I dont really use anything to sleep other than my fan (background noise as well as to keep cool since I prefer cooler rooms to sleep) as well as a weighted blanket (20 pounds!! Wow!! Annoying to toss to the corner of the bed when I'm not using it), as well as plushies/pillows to wrap my arms around since it feels weird to leave them empty

If anything my sleep has improved since I've gotten my weighted blanket but its tapered out since I've gotten it

I do sometimes take melatonin out of desperation if I cant fall asleep but it's like.. I want to say a 25-40% success rate for a 6mg gummy and a lower rate for the recommended 12mg on the bottle

Idk it kind of sucks but this isnt anything new for me it's just gotten more... annoying... since I've become the main person taking care of things irl at my house + working on personal projects to the side

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent/personal/health/long post

Omggg so today has been so unbELIEVABLY shitty

First i wake up in pain still from my back going out on sunday when I woke up. That was expected though. My dental aligner trays hurt like a motherfucker to pull out still. Then im getting a quick breakfast together and I get a text from the clinic saying my doctors appointment i needed before tomorrow is canceled AGAIN. I had to check with the clinic and the specialist (appointment tomorrow) if its okay if I have renewed referral clinic appointment next week. So fingers crossed thats okay, because thats whats happening its not possible to see the clinic before the specialist, and ive had the specialist appointment for months, and the clinic only told me i need to renew the referral on last friday, and ive had appointments every day this week. Whatever. It is what it is.

Then im pouring cereal, drizzle a little agave on top because its unsweetened, and then immediately knock the bowl over all over my lap, sticky side down. I still cant go pick up the bits under the table now, because its killing my back to even pull the chair out, my back is in such bad shape. (Was gonna ask the clinic doctor to help out w it too but i guess im going this whole week without a treatment plan, just taking old painkillers lmao.)

Speaking of painkillers, i have one left of this bottle. I have another painkiller type, but its way too strong, and even if i cut it in half itll be too strong, but im gonna have to use that if i dont have any improvement.

So all that above was the easy peasy part of my day. Next is my appointment to renew state benefits (for food). I get EVERYTHING ready all gathered into the one spot in my room i know i can get consistent cell service, and settle down. Phone appointment time comes. I hear the landline downstairs ring. Fuck. I grab my phone and paperwork and i cant make it in time both because of my back problems and also because the landline only rings twice. I literally grabbed the phone as the case worker stopped speaking on the machine. Fuck again. I cant understand the phone number they said on the machine. It takes me a minute to realize its the same number on my paper work. I try to call but my house is a dead zone. Go back to my room, get put thru to the robot answering machine because its the general number. Not a callback number. Fuck. The robot then hangs up on me saying theres a high call volume and to call back later.

But my appointment is now! I call again and get hung up on. I call again and finally get put on hold. This is like 20 minutes after my appointment time because it takes like 7 minutes of talking to the robot to get put into a call. So im on hold, i hear the landline so i rush downstairs to try and get it again but im too late (probably a robo call, we get a lot). There was no new message, so i stay on hold, where im expecting an 80 minute wait time.

Completely fucked up process when i had an appointment scheduled! I shouldve been able to call the worker back on the available phone.

Anyway. Im dying in pain and sobbing on the phone and end up having to sit on the kitchen chair thats hard wood because i got reception in there and i wanted to be closer to the landline just in case. Im sobbing for like the first 2 hours bc of pain from exterting myself rushing around the house. I try sending off a message on the online portal. But its like 'we'll get back to you within 5 days' lol.

My battery gets low so I risk bringing my phone to my room to use the bathroom and grab a charger, take off my dental trays (more pain) so i can eat and drink something. More pain when i get back downstairs.

Im on hold for longer. So i start looking for someone higher up to pester because the whole situation is fucked. Around 3 hours on hold i send off an email to someone whos the director of that org at the county.

Its at this point i realise i might be racking up a huge phone bill, so i start telling myself 'ok sunk cost fallacy this isnt worth the wait' and i start trying to log back into the portal (which id already been doing like 20 times already this day) to request a new appointment. Then the portal keeps logging me out as soon as i log in. And i cant reset my password or do anything.

Im about to give up, going nuts after hearing the same note played over and over on the hold music. And someone fucking answers the phone.

Ho lee shit. I couldnt believe it.

A 4 hour hold that actually produced results????

Apparently all their systems are down and the worker was like 'okay yeah youre gonna be the last person i process today i am not able to access anything right now' and even had to do some stuff manually, but my case is renewed and everything should be settled now

So yeah that was over 4 hours of torture being in the uncomfortable kitchen for so long, when i WAS prepared for my appointment ahead of time. Ugh. I shouldnt have to hurt myself to get this done, but no one else was in the house to catch the landline for me, and i didnt know i could get reception in the kitchen.

(Kind of worked out tho bc i wouldve had to hang up if my doctors appointment today didnt cancel, and also i wouldve hung up if the online portal functioned)

The sad thing is im not even done. i gotta deal with another appointment tomorrow in another town. (Already had to go out of town on tuesday for the teeth aligners/tmj appliances), like the car is not comfortable for my injured back lmao

I dont think the appointment tmr is anything big its prob just a check up and to renew meds, but getting there, early in the morning, is gonna be fucking hard. I doubt this doc will do anything for my back or regular level of chronic pain, but im gonna make a big stink about it because i havent stopped being in pain for like ever, and the past month has just been so fucking hard on me with trying to help family do labor intensive stuff (which is probably why my back got fucked and gave up on sunday)

It really fucking sucks being in chronic pain and no doctors wanna do anything to treat the pain. Ive already been on every type of antidepressant and none of them helped my fibro or depression. Ive actually felt a LOT better since stopping them last winter. But im still in a lot of pain all the time. I dont wnna be like 'give me painkillers' but... give me painkillers. I was so comfortable when i was on them regularly in the past. And then the whole opioid crisis thing happened and now no one gives them to me except when i had endo flare ups (which. Lol. They barely do anything for endo pain. Which is why i was so surprised they did anything at all for my back pain when i took one on sunday!) I have always been responsible with them and always took the lowest dose (cut them in half back then) because i dont like the feeling of painkillers lololol

God tho this back pain... on sunday it was so humiliating, i kept getting stuck where i was because the pain was so bad. Even just lying flat on my back was excruciating. I was Almost at the point where i wouldve needed help to use the bathroom. Even now, while my back is much better (still terrible tho) and with painkillers, i can barely twist to grab toilet paper or reach to dry myself. It fucking sucks. Getting clothes on and off? Sucks. Especially reaching to get my feet out of pants or socks on and off.

You dont realize how much you took for granted until you struggle to do basic daily movement. I thought i was doing so well too because ive been lifting weights since februrary! Just arm workouts tho. Was doing situps until i had another endo flare up in spring. I always forget how bad severe pain situations are, either with an injury or my endo flare ups. Im living in constant fear of the next endo flare up and that sucks too. My current back problem is like, spikes of level 10 pain with movement. The endo flare ups is sustained level 10 pain. So theyre not even comparable but its still super severe.

Anyway. This has been super rough on me. Especially the added pain and overstimulation of the new back pain, and now the constant pain and headache from the teeth aligners, which is another thing im super scared about. What if it ends up making my jaw worse? What if i pull out a tooth? God just prying them off my teeth is like getting teeth pulled it hurts so much. Im like crying when i have to take the bottom one off, the hook digs into my gums and then when one side comes off its excruciatingly stuck on the other side. Literally feels like teeth being pulled. Im surprised my one crown is still in place (ive been pulling from the opposite side to try and save it). And ive already lost a bunch of the tooth spikes they added to keep the aligners in place, but the office is like a 2 hour drive away so i cant just go get the spike replaced. I dont even have a car or license i have to coordinate with family lol. And the brand is like so new theres no online discussions about it so i cant even commiserate or see how people manage to cope with this level of constant pain from the trays, pulling them out, or the extra large bite guard i cant even close my lips around at night. My teeth are so crooked i cant even tell if its in the right placement bc my teeth dont fit in the bite guard tray. So lol. Im trying.

So yeah i dont have faith in my doctors im scared starting treatment is just gonna make things worse especially because thats been the case my whole life. Ill try to get treated for something and then it reveals or causes something much worse i need to treat. But im trying. Its just hard when i have to treat so many fucking illnesses all at once, and theyre all super painful.

Im fucking tired. Want this week to be over. Want to just sleep, but i cant even do that without being in excruciating pain every time i try to move position. Life rly sucks for me rn.

So thats my vent.

Oh yeah, also dermatillomania has been severe lately too lol. So i look a mess but thankfully my lips get covered by my mask. I was so scared the tmj doc was gonna comment on it but i accidentally forgot to take my piercings out before the appointment so he ended up making conversation about those instead of the glaring wounds on my lips and fingers. (He did notice my bandaids on my fingers lol)

So yeah. Send prayers and gay vibes my way pls i rly need it. Fffff time to go cry and put my trays back in

[divorcingjimmatthews]

season 2 episode 5 reactions as i watch

huge spoilers obviously

(this is mostly for myself to have somewhere to scream as i go, its LONG AF youve been warned)

RANDALL IS SCARING ME SO MUCH LIKE PLEASE DONT BANG ON STUFF WHAT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY MAKE THE TALISMAN FALL I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WITH THIS SCENE. RANDALL STOP STOP STOP YOURE GOING TO DIE DUDE

(straight up cant watch the rest of the episode because i paused it and cant bring myself to unpause lmaooo. from ends here for me i guess)

ok its over thank god

JADE STOP DRINKING SOMEONE HELP THIS MAN. hes even sleeping with the fucking journal like please he needs 20 interventions

also dammit he actually moved to the bar i accidentally manifested it LMAO

can the show please stop torturing this man with the hallucinations please and thank you

TABITHA IS IN MAMA WOLF MODE LETS GO

boyd defending sara... knowing what happened to his wife and what she did... oh man. this hurts. knowing tabitha also lost a child before turns the intensity of all this to eleven millions

LMAO ok someone calling tabitha out for her basement hole and its consequences at long last. i love tabitha but like it has to be acknowledged

"That part i cant help you with" dang Good Line

honestly cant even imagine how sara is feeling i dont know what id be doing in her situation like just watching it stresses me so much.

ETHAN BABY :'(((( im sobbing

KRISTI IS SO PRETTY oh my god i am so bisexual right now. she cant just do this. the shirtttt. i think im seeing the sweetest and most beautiful woman in the world

dhsjfhsh marielle doing the same thing with the shirt that i had the reader do in my fic i cant even

"For a long time it smelled like you. Now it just smells" i laughed so hard

"Youre still you" 🥺

SARA GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU TRYING TO GET K oh yeah wait she probably is

oh its her house ok god i thought she'd gone to the matthews'

NEW HOUSE WHO DIS

cant belive an extra got one of the few houses this is so funny to me for no reason

this scene gosh. ouch. ouch. im taking 2 damage per second watching this episode

JADE. the bottles. jade my beloved this is point of no return level stuff. mrs Liu please come get him home

VICTOR

victoooor

"You dont look good" im losing it

thank you victor

victor 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love him. the sweetest

JADE IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU DONT BE LIKE THISSS

"WAIT" i fucking cant i love this man

"This took me all fucking night" jade never stop being the funniest mf on the planet please

jim calling tabitha tabby is so sweet it got me

"Faith. In you" oh boy. Oh man. Oh boy oh man. This scene. How is this show hitting every singe fucking note.

donna brought up abby omgomg

OK BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM FOR WANTING TO FIND AN ALTERNATIVE THIS TIME

(maybe)

(arghhhh this is so hard)

"only monsters live in the woods" ethan i love everything you say. go my boy

(sara voice) okay

"The trees theyre changing" i love how victor is 100% harmless but could NOT be any more ominous lmaooo

CAR GRAVEYARD

"When i was alone i moved the cars because i didnt want to see them. Theres a lot more behind the rocks but those were already here" GODDAMMIT

no but victor is literally the sweetest man on earth. you were rightfully angry victor !! jade now you apologise.

"okay" ill kill him

victor sitting on the car 🥺🥺🥺🥺 im going to cry

what a scene. my god.

SARA HAS ONLY BEEN THERE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS?

"Do you live here in town" ELGIN i love you

poor julie if she knew her crush is out there flirting with the local murderer

"I like what i like and i like owls" based. thats me writing 300 jade posts per day

oh boy this scene (me about every scene)

"THAT PART ALWAYS SEEMED A BIT LIKE WISHFUL THINKING TO ME" im. ill be processing for 3 years

"Did you do something that needs forgiving?" elgin my sweet boy

jim rightly proud of his badass kid

"you put hate inside me" :'(

is she gonna give her her stuff damn shes too nice

a part of me is feeling like shes gonna smash it tho lmao

SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU MRS LIU

i am starting to assume that everyone forgot about tobey so jade is never even gonna know that it was sara lmao

KENNY

oh my god kenny

im hurt seeing him so hurt

TOWNSPEOPLE CAN WE GIVE KENNY A BREAK OVER HERE PLEASE WHAT R U STARING AT HES VERY RIGTHFULLY MAD HE HAS EVERY RIGHT

oh elgin

elgin youre too sweet

elginnnnn

everyones gonna hate you elgin 😭😭😭 i am suffering for you

KRISTI BECAME EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THIS IS NOT A DRILL

now please do jade

"KRISTI WHERE ARE YOU GOING BABY STOP"

KRISTI NO NO NOOOOOO

i love her so much

"People liked him, then he changed" dont do this to me

"I am at the end of my rope" oh god

TABITHA??????

holy fucking shit im going to die of heart attack

this doesnt have captions i dont know what the creepy ghost children are saying

I WAS LITERALLY THINKING I WISHED TABITHA AND JADE WOULD INTERACT AND LOOK AT THIS NOW

i knew jim would not vote box lets goo

BOYD WHY

Randall ????

OKAY that tabitha and marielle scene from last episode was bothering me so much i cant believe i didnt think of this

what an episode my god

[candiedapplez]

I ask you all of the questions from that one reblog. Good luck/nf/j

Omg ok this will be a while then tehehehehehehhe im not complaining though!!!! Heres the questions so u can look at the questions and the answers!

1.this one is OBVIOUS!!! A-90 and Opheebop!!! DUUUUUUUH!

2.lighter. Ive never used a match before

3.ew no!!! I don't want buggies crawling in my room while im sleeping!!!! However i have before!

4. Aaaaaa ive never really gotten into that stuff so i cant really give an answer-

5. A really dark brown!!

6. Oops i did that again???

7. Well idk ive used both and they are both work really well! however i do think scrunchies are safer for your hair, i use normal hair ties more often because scrunchies are more bulky and yeah i dont prefer that, but both are great!

8. Six. I have six.

9.NONE! COFFE IS GROSS BLEEEEEEGH!!

10. Ofc!!

11. Does drawing count?

12. Good day!!!!! I havent cried yet so-

13. Not too long ago, like an hour ago actually. I had pizza! (Incase u were wondering)

14. HELL YEAH!!!

15. Nope and i never want to be 😗

16. NoooooOoOoO-

17. Nope i have perfect vision muah

18. I DONT WANNA SAY TEHE! (Sry)

19. Yea ofc!!! But they probably wont turn out good…

20. Soda…. Ive never seen or heard anyone say pop before….

21. Plushies!!!! I have a unicorn plush my old friend (we dont talk anymore since she moved) gave me for my 7th bday!!!! Yes i remember when, yes i still have it! And its in perferct condition!!! Also there was this one kid who ig had a crush on my and he gave me a basket full of stuff for valentines day and i still have said basket-

22. I have no clue what this means? I guess sensitive?

23. Love it!!!!!

24. Eating :] (and joking abt pushing each other off probably/JOKE/JOKE/JOKE/JOKE)

25. Aaaa i use all of them but i use lotion most so ig lotion?

26. Idk what to say for this one aaaaaagh

27. Like 5 i think? Ive been getting better with my sleep time!!!!

28. Not anymore, our school last year said we could take them off, however i was SO insecure about my face (still am, but not as much as before) so i would wear it every single day. If i showed up to school without one people got surprised. I stopped wearing them this year, however.

29. Hot????

30. THE FUCKING WATER BOTTLES!!!!

31. Theres a lot, i dont wanna get into it 😵‍💫

32…… is that a thing? People have favorite towels??

33. Hm my school took us on a field trip to a high school so we can see animals if that counts… (i have pictures btw if u wanna see them! We saw pigs, sheep, cows and bunny! I didnt take pic of bunny tho 😢)

34. LITERALLY EVERY SIX THE MUSICAL SONG HOLY SHIT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (the only ones i might mess up on are aywd and idnyl bc aywd is long and i dont listen to idnyl often)

35. Pst!!

36. Only once! My username used to have a 0 between the words (Candied0applez) but i changed it bc it made it sound like i candied no apples… but i was originally going to be called caramelapplez but i thought candied sounded better heheh)

37. The friend i mentioned earlier i met first day of kindergarden, her name is Alana, and this other girl Maya i met before kinder! We met eachother at a park and when we walked home we found out we were neighbors so we instantly became besties! (We still are to this day but she lives 30 mins away so i dont see her often-(

38. All…?

39. Sometimes!

40. Ice cream!!!

41. Empty. Coffee is gross

42. Hahahah yt, roblox and occasionally twitter!

43. HAND IT OVER BITCH!

44. Myself/j fucking donald trump 🤮👈🖕

45. NO ☺️

46. Oh god i dont watch any 🫢

47. | v

this actually was to the other girl i mentioned earlier! Maya! I found baby pictures of us when we were in 2nd-3rd grade and i showed her today!!!

48. Never and i dont plan on ever!

49. Never tried

50. GO AHEAD I GET SO EXCITED WHEN IM TAGGED IN SOMETHING AAAAA!

omg that took forever!!! Gosh i dont mind though!!! These were fun questions! Aaaaaaaa i enjoyed that tyty!

[rlljayhon]

12/16/24

i do not even know how to start this because my mind is all fumbled and I feel so numb

mmm ok so we had a talk yesterday because I was very jealous that they went on a couple of dates with this guy that made me very insecure

we stopped talking right after this guy came back into their life, and I can't help but think that I was replaced with something better

it hurts too because while I am not queer, so I cant help them explore anything in that field, but basically we did not date as they said they wanted to explore their queerness

and then 3 months later they went out with the guy who I told them made me jealous/insecure

it makes me feel like they were making an excuse, but also I'm not mad they went and did that, I'm more so mad that I feel this way

their best friend also told them that they don't need a queer romantic relationship to experience queerness bc there is queer spaces and communities where they can feel comfortable and safe

i am just mad they figured it out now AFTER us, and my friend xochi when I confided in her she also said the same thing about not needing to be in a queer relationship to learn about it. I am not queer so I would never say that to this person, as it is not my place

don't get me wrong, i think all my feelings are totally valid, but it is also my fault. I made a mistake by not setting a boundary when we first stopped our "relationship" because they kind of were like ohhh, can we still call and talk all the time? like it was my mistake to say yes, I should have given myself the proper time to heal

i think my depression stems from longing for them because I have like wanted to be with this person for so so long and right when I was the closest I have ever been it all came crashing down and I feel like I was used a little bit

we also talked about how they feel like a bad friend because I am always there for them, and they arent there for me. I kind of agreed, but I thought that they were a "bad friend" because like they basically built me up and brought me down about this whole us maybe dating situation

i also did some self-reflecting. like why is it that the only thing that brings me down is relationships/love? i mean yeah sure there are other things that make me sad, but nothing gets me as down in the dumps like love

why is it so important to me? why do I love so hard? i think I need therapy, but then again so does everyone so

i still plan to be their friend, the future is just going to be tough if they do end up dating a guy, I think I will just have this baggage and uncomfortability about the situation because it will always make me feel insecure, but that is simply an obstacle I will learn to overcome when it happens

why can't someone love ME yknow

i wanna be the one who is chased for once lol

anyways yeah we are taking a little break from being friends, and I think I can get over myself about it, I just need time :3

i am also glad i had this talk with them, I felt like i was bottling up all my emotions because I was too scared to talk to them and set that boundary originally, but I am sooooo glad I did now

we are still friends and we both still want to be friends in the future (kinda unavoidable bc we are in the same org) and I think it will be so painful seeing them sometimes

like i was so sure of them for so long, and I guess it sucks that I didn't get it back even though they seemed to like me that much

idk im venting now and i just keep talking abt the same thing bc its the only thing on my mind

anywho i made a mistake and i must simply learn from it!

who knows! maybe i meet a rev gamer girl who I will learn to love more than anything else I have ever loved before

after saying that i realize i yearn for love so much bc yeah maybe golden rule yknow treat others the way you want to be treated so when I fall for someone I like spoil them and give them everything because that's what I want someone to do for me

GAH WHY DO I LOVE LOVE SO MUCH RAHHH BLARG H

mmmm i think as a friend in the future i will always have a soft spot for them, and no matter what choices they make I will be happy for them as long as these choices make them happy too :)

i am still angry and sad and depressed though

if u read this sorry u had to experience the inner workings of my mind