#axo yaps

[catxolotlz]

ive accepted everything thats happened, not completely but at least to some extent and more than before. i get it that i wont always be compatible with some people no mattwr how long and how close ive been with them. im mentally ill and not everyone will and has to understad that. i cant form long term relationships, i have a hard time with human interaction and socializing, i can be a genuinely horrible person.

i can never forgive myself for what ive done i get it its my fault. sometimes i feel like im an abuser. i never intended i never wanted for this to happen. i didnt manipulate or trick anyone for enjoyment or atleast didnt mean to and never realized, i dont know what ive done, i cant judge from my perspective. i regret it all of course and i wish it never had happened and i wish it will never happen again.

i was just hurting. i was hurting so much and sometimes, i still am. i cant understand myself but i tried to control myself. i didnt fully give in, i still had it in me to be better, to change for others so others wont get hurt anymore, i wanted to be better to get better. i didnt wanna be this mess of a human. i didnt want to be a bad person.

it just never sounded right for me however. i cant exactly change something thats out of my control. i cant really get better all by myself when my whole life ive been depending on others for my happiness and worth. its almost impossible to 'change' when you have a disorder. i only masked myself for others. i only repressed all my negative emotions and bottled them up to myself in fear of hurting my loved ones again. fearing what could happen next might be the last.

i was really dumb. i never realized how bad for myself i was doing, and eventually for everyone. my emotions spilled,i was hurtng so much it sometimes became phyisical pains. id feel jolts in my chest and my head was pounding every night from so much tears i cried. i couldnt bottle up anymore and eventually every negative emotion burst out, i hurt everyone i loved, i hurt the person i loved, ive never felt so ashamed of myself. it didnt feel like myself, thatwas the scary part. everything was so drowned out, all i could think of and all i cared about was hoping the person would understand me. that was all i ever wanted.

i know what couldve been done to prevent all this, but its too late now. everytime i would vent and explain myself it always comes out a mess, and everyone avoids me. theyre all scared of me snapping or getting mad. which icant blame them because it has happened before. but i never intended to be mad at them personally. my emotions are just raging all the time, especially in a bad mental state. but during the calmer days, i shouldve took those time to explain myself, my struggles, say everything i wanted, anything for them to understand. but honestly tho i dont exactly remember if ive done that before but didnt work so i just stopped. memory loss is a bitch i guess.

but still, i feel like i couldve just. tried again. and again. and again. i dont know rlly know if it would get me anywhere and i will never know. im starting to space out and forgetting what im supposed to be saying right now. sorry.

going back to my point, i understand now. im not meant for everyone. as much as it hurts, i have to accept this painful truth, that im disabled, and it prevents me from achieving things i want. and i think thats okay. im finally accepting it now. not all, but still. its something.

now i just wish all of me can accept it too. i wish the others can swallow the pill too. i really do feel bad, that theyre still hurting, that theyre still stuck in the past, thinking this was just another one of those days and can be easily fixed. i have to stop myself sometimes from messaging people again. i have to tell them that its done. its finally happened. our biggest fear has happened. theres nothing much to be afraid of anymore. (apart from the stuff like death, of course.) you can listen to music, you can backread messages, you can browse your files of screenshots and pictures. but you cant live that life anymore. and thats okay. they may forget about you, they may think youre a bad person, thats okay. at the end of the day, theyre moving on with their lives, they have their own people, youre going to have to move on with your life too. you can change. you can stay the same. you can just be yourself. whatever you want. its all gonna be okay. no one can tell you who you are or who you are supposed to be.

im happy to still have a few friends, even if we dont get to talk much, or i never talk about my problems to them anymore, its enough that theyre comfortable with me.

im very glad for my best friend online. my friend for the longest time, even before anyone else, that stayed with me. im glad i stayed with him too. we've changed so much, we've moved on from a hundred fandoms. it's such a pleasure to experience you.

and words cannot describe how much i love and appreciate my best friend. i genuinely cant put it to words. thank you so much for being there for me. for still being with me even after the friend group had dissolved. i want to talk to you about my cringe problems and i want you to scream yours too. id love to listen to more music with you. watch more shows with you. maybe even talk to more people with you. i want to grow up with you, i want to experience life with you by my side.

i think thats all i have to say for now. this kinda got a little carried away frm my original idea lol. cya

[svnnw]

WHEN YOU SMILE — profile 2

mark and his minions

till this day nobody understands why mark got popular. it all started when he transferred to NCIT and got popular because of his great looks and personality. he's an extremely smart student and gets praised by a lot of people which is also why he has a lot of fangirls who chase him.

haechan is mark's partner in crime. both of them have known each other since their childhood days and they've stuck around each other for over a decade. haechan is known for being extremely bold and talking to all students which made him really popular too.

even though chenle is insanely rich he's also super nice until you become friends with him. he would be so kind to you when you first meet him but bully you right after you did a little mistake. he's definitely one of your funniest friends and he gets along with anyone because he just doesn't stop yapping.

ningning is such a silly delusional girl. you don't really notice her that much because she actually pays attention in class and doesn't chat with her friends. she has such a nice personality and it's seriously hard to hate her because she simply doesn't have any flaws.

although minji is very quiet in class she will not shut up outside of school. you would've never thought that a girl like her would hang out with her friend group simply because their personalities are so different yet match so well with each other.

masterlist – profile 1 – next

a/n – the first chapter will finally be released tomorrow!!

TAGLIST — open @marvelahsobx @foxy-kitsune @sunflowerbebe07 @jenmongiii @haechansbbg @defzcl @buns-inhiding @minkyuncutie @gukuwii @dreamandback @bugcattie @jaeims @222brainrot @axo-l0tl @pnkified @yyangj3lly @haesluvr

[b4um3pfl4um3]

Hells yeah! Thanks for the tag!

Five Night's at Freddy's and you won't get me to stop until I have explained all the lore and theories no matter how long it takes

The Legend of Zelda. Basically the same thing as Fanf, I just love the lore.

Ducks. I probably won't have many actual facts but I can surely just yap about them for an hour.

All the different Ghost Types in Phasmophobia. My 300 hours in that game must be useful for something. I have all of that shit memorized

The relationship between Jayce Talis and Viktor from Arcane. All their little parallels and gestures. They have been on my mind for weeks now.

I've tried to limit the games on this list but honestly most the stuff I can yap about is games.

No pressure tags: @thebreadtree @mandalorian-general @darth-laeka @axo-l0tte-l @dadokid @something-something-sonnschein @lilyperdita

Thanks for the tag, @ruiniel!

What to do? List 5 topics you can talk on for an hour without preparing any material.

Hmmm...

Swords

Silmarillion

Naruto (buckle in, bc Orochi, Itachi, and Sasori each could easily be an hour lmao)

Byzantium (it's been almost twenty years but, apparently, I've still got it XD)

"In defense of [insert widely-hated character that I love] and why you're wrong about them, actually," complete with time-stamps, screenshots, and all my skill points dumped into persuasion

No pressure tagging: @celebbun, @melkors-defense-attorney, @baked-hylian, @cilil

[pand-axo]

hikaye bi türlü bitmiyodu dedim artık ya bitsin yada dedilerini yap , yapmadı tabiki.

Bir daha asla görüşmemek dileği ile

-axo

[catxolotlz]

i also never realize how actually forgetful i am. i mean i did but i always brushed it off as some quirk lmao it still could be but one time my brother was talking to me ab something i supposedly told him before which i literally cannot recall or remember like, at all. and it was only a few months ago. bro idk anymore

[catxolotlz]

♤♤ HEY GUYS!!! ♤♤

My name is zach! Some people call me will and i often go by axo (from axolinx). You can call me either of these names!!!

I use they/them pronouns

♤♤ What will you find in here?? ♤♤

literally anything. i yap my random thoughts, ideas, i talk about my mental illnesses and disorders, i could post art or random pictures i took, i could talk about my characters and oc lore, i could talk about my interests in music and shows. anything i want. take this blog as my internet diary.

i moved here because i didnt felt comfortable posting too much on my private twitter anymore especially since i dont even know most of the people there. i find it more comfortable and 'freeing'??? to post here!!

if you happen to stumble upon this place, hi!

⚠️‼️ trigger warnings ‼️⚠️

i'll make sure to tag and spoiler (if possible?? idk if u can spoiler on tumblr) any potentially triggering topics! this includes like self harm, suicide, and gore. also eyestrain. (yeah its mostly thru art)

♤♤ other stuff you should know about me :ppppp ♤♤

• i am not diagnosed yet, but im working on it with my psychiatrist! disorders i suspect are bpd and did (among many others,,,, idrk)

• i LOVEE my ocss OUGJHH im so gonna yap about them here..... also gonna b posting art of them that ive never posted anywhere!!!!!!!

• i have a youtube channel and i post animations and other sorta stuff there! i also have twitter but its mostly fandom stuff (cshtwt)

• im introverted and it might take a while for me to talk to anyone. i try my best ( ･᷄ω･᷅ )

• green is my favorite color

uhhh i think that's all. i'll just edit this if i think of any to add. BYE