#it happens too much. it needs to stop. i cant do this. im at my limit.
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shotgun in my mouth the next time i search ellie williams on here and see joel miller smut.
#it happens too much. it needs to stop. i cant do this. im at my limit.#realistically who is searching ellie williams trying to see a male character x reader. like who is doing that.#tag rant over#ellie williams im so sorry hunny bunny#ellie williams x reader#ellie williams
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a little strange to get dms from other trans people saying they agree with biden's dumb statemet that he doesnt want minors getting gender-affirming care. if you really think its such an epidemic that 13 year olds are getting their knockers blown off by surgeons every other day, then please point me in the direction of said 13 year olds that are somehow accessing gender-affirming care that literal trans adults can't even access.
like please be fr. we literally have privatized healthcare and insurance where not even people who go through the appropriate avenues can get approved for care they need to stay alive. what makes you think a trans minor is getting phallo or vaginalplasty. feel whatever you want about 13 year olds who want gender-affirming care, but dont parrot transphobic rhetoric that is based on no facts and a moral panic. they second they legitimize barriers to care for trans minors is the second they start finding ways to do the same for trans adults. dont be a buffoon.
#muerto talks#im sorry but you look a little foolish saying all that#especially as a trans person#do i think a 13 year old should get a major surgery? idk! im not said 13 year old! and neither are you!#leave that up for the 13 year olds and their team of doctors and family and friends and therapists and whatever#but limiting access to care#even if they have to wait a few years is still going to get trans kids killed#somehow intersex newborns getting their genitals mutilated to be easily categorized is not too young for such invasive surgeries#but a 13 year old is?#yeah i see whats happening here#an infant cant reject socially imposed ideas of gender much less consent to invasive surgery#but you will white knuckle whatever power you have over a child who dares to express themselves freely#i couldnt even get top surgery in my 20s without two letters of approval and several months of therapy proving that i needed this#u people will believe anything#use ur head please just for once and stop listening to the fears the moral panic spews at ys
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me and the 4 other da2 fans have been in a drought when will keir return from ostagar
every week i play ostagar again with a new warden and he has to go through that again because he’s also there. sort of a time loop situation . sad really
#more of a real talk response: i know i dont rlly post a lot of my Classic Ocs these days#its always some new freak and im sure you guys cant keep up#but ive changed a lot as like a creative person & a person generally over the last nearly 3 years since i started playing#and if i were to bring those ocs back to replay and post about regularly#they need hard updates and like overhauls#which is kind of difficult to pull off when i have my little audience here who are familiar with them#so im not really sure how to approach that#so a lot of my older ocs i still love em and i’ll still bring them up and love that you guys care to bring them up et cetera#but in terms of serious development or any attempt at replays or creative output or meta or whatever#they might be on the shelf a bit while i figure out what to do#im hoping soon to stick with a new character long enough to be able to thoroughly discuss them on here#because i miss that energy of sort of keir’s era it was a lot but it was fun too it would be nice to have that much chatter again#and to stop continually baffling you all with new ocs as im sure i do daily.#so that is my serious answer to your joke question JGSJSJSKS#watch me take all this back and replay him. who knows. could happen. livin dangerously
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#just a vent post#none of yall need to read this shit#i just wanna put this shit out smwhr istead of keeping it inside of me#and im probs gonna delte this whole ass post later#but go im so sick and tired of this internalised homophobia inside of me#wberytime i begin accepting myself something will happen to me or I'll see smthng and the cycle will repeat#i feel like im being punished#and i know its allowed in my religion to feel the way i feel as long as i'm not really acting on it#and im okay woth that#my religion is abt showing restrain ahainst vertain things anyway#and just trusting god that theres a reason#and ill be rewarded for it one day#but qhy was i made this way then#anyway lol i cant believe i was doing better abt this too#just ignore this shit this post is more for me than anyone#i just cant stop crying abt it today#i weas doing laundry and i started crying#i was washiing my bathroom and i started crying#i was showering and i started crying#i hate rhis so much
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haha once again my dad shows me he could not give a fuck about my issues with audio or me because he's got the tv unnecessarily loud again :)
#🍊.txt#i turned it down myself the other day and he once again said 'its only on 6' and im like yes and like ive said before#i can feel the bass in my floor#i can hear it over my headphones#i can hear every word and explosion and EVERYTHING happening#i ask him to put it on 5 because its managable and its still loud for him but its not violently making me anxious and overwhelmed#its one number difference im not asking him to put it on 2#ive just text him like do you specifically ignore me when i tell you it causes me problems or does he want me to key his car#because at this fucking point i will#im going to go insane and it will get worse because i will be at work all week now and then when im home he will be too#i wont get time away from him any more#he keeps referring to me as the cats mommy too even when ive said hey dont do that i dont like it it makes me uncomfortable#everything i ask him not to do CONSTANTLY he keeps doing#i need to win the lottery so i can pay off my debts and move far far FAR away from my family and this city and everyone i know or im going#to end up right where i started wanting to off myself again#my personal life is made so much harder bc no one gives a fuck about me or accommodating me#i have to stay closeted else id get torn to shreds#i cant unmask bc i cant even get respected enough to stop anything that makes me uncomfortable and anxious#im so fucking sad man its such stupid shit to be upset about too god
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out

#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that
if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it
#snap chats#no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game#oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH.#id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k#OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think#my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious#rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final#HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE#i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that#i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki#someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it#like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but#i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital#the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe#cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion.#yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3#its a real head scratcher ...#a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think#it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little#and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened'#im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways....#sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly#idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me#THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED#i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell#is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form#i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments#BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow#im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE
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it's ridiculous how many people recommend mindfulness to me
I don't think I need to practice mindfulness when i'm acutely aware of every drop of water that hits my skin in the shower and every sound that exists within hearing distance all at once with the inability to ever turn that awareness off (without it resulting in a severely dissociated state)
#feels like needles are piercing my skin. and I sure do mind it!#had to stop my shower halfway through. couldn't deal with the sensory overload 😭#autistic#autism#sensory processing disorder#sensory overload#im aware of everything at all times. i need to be less mindful of sensory input and feelings!#im always one wrong sensation/thought/feeling away from an autistic meltdown. i cant be anymore “mindful” than this#my mind is FULL. full of too much of everything! i need to be practice more mindLESS. mindEMPTY 😭😭😭😭#except when dissociating which seems to happen more often than not 😭#lee rambles#so many times i talk about being stressed or something and people respond TRY MINDFULNESS and#why do you want me to try being even more aware of the things tbat are causing me stress and overwhelm? 😭😭😭😭😭😭#like people tell me to meditate with adhd. thats not gonna work. ill stim my way out of it and not realize i stopped hours ago
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sorry but i hate when people are like “what i think tsukasa would wear” or make outfits for canon him and then its something saki would actually wear. or just something he would Never Ever willingly wear. idk how to say this but he has such a Boring Big Brother Slash Dad Style. Thats like. His thing. Nothing burger. A sandwich without mayo. Its dry.
#put tsukasa in all the cute outfits you want i guess at the end of the day i cant tell anyone what to do but if you genuinely believe he’d#wear them or that thats his fashion taste you might need to look at him a few more times#i talk abt him way too much dear lord#oh but i think him crossdressing for a role is something that should happen#stay on ur little hamster wheel. never stop the grind. ur an actor. anime protag determination#tsukasa tenma#tenma tsukasa#rant#hes so ugly its actually insane#need to accept that im hyperfixated on him but hes also so stupid and his fans make me feel like im deep frying my brain
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the first few art pieces for a new interest are always the loneliest, in my experience
#aishi.txt#i cant sleep despite drinking calming tea and my fav playlist being put on so forgive any emoness but#its a bit alienating... why does art have to be one of the loneliest hobbies ever#like i want people to care as much as i do but i also get it if they dont#i cant fault ppl for not seeing the vision as i do... which is why my art is there#but im just one guy who has many ideas and not enough hands and energy to draw all of them#draw them all and... make it match my view also?? i have to reconcile my current skill with my lack of time and energy with my perfectionism#a bit of a recipe for disaster... i will say#and even after all that effort... some people will still not see it or get it and the ones that probably do#will need time to warm up to me!!#and my art... ough.. idk.....#do i use art as a medium to bridge my social anxiety or what... why does this lowkey bother me#anyway. this happens every time i change fandom#persona art was the loneliest period... pokemon feels a bit alienating too idk#my conclusion always is to stop interacting altogether#just dump my art pieces and go#but thats never worked out for me as well... i always long for interaction and i always be yapping#its just!! a bit tiring i guess#having to continuously work on stuff to... feel connected? what am i saying#like yea i know it takes time. i just wish it didnt have to feel so lonely too during the waiting period#makes me not want to move on from one interest to the next#makes me worried the friends ive made for one fandom will think ive abandoned them for a new thing but its the opposite.#im scared to leave things ive built up.. connections ive already made#i would love nothing more for them to come with me (its not like theyre going anywhere) i just dont know#how to make them feel connected to a new interest i have? wtf am i on about#its like i based my self worth on what art i can provide to others lol 😂 thats silly#i think i'll just think of this as my real life friendships and leave it at that#but yeah. i still feel incredibly lonely and alienated when making art for a new thing. even old things feel incredibly. sad to me#art as a hobby is incredibly lonely. its frustrating for someone like me#an extroverted person with an introvert's hobby. disaster.
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kfnbjknkvmxfklm
#bro crash out immediately impending :||||| idk when it's gonna HIT me hit me that i'm LEAVING ALL MY FRIENDS#and have to start over and meet new ppl and establish new routines n shit#which is partially exciting bc there r so many things i wanna start doing and i'll have the opportunity and freedom and independence to do#but i'm scared and i don't want to leave and if i think abt it too much i am gonna cry and that crash out is gonna happen so i'll stop now#lmfaoooooooo bc im in public#but like i'm leaving next week so idk how to deal w that LOL like i also dont want to start sobbing when im in the car on the way or smth#i havent started packing tho lmaooooo rly need to#i keep occassionally thinking abt it and getting sad and choked up or whatever :| idk#i know this is an extremely normal life experience LMFAOOOOO and i'll be fine#it's just coming soooo fast lmao#ALKFHGLKADJFGH anyway i jjst need to distract myself w a break and then get back to work lol#why cant i just like link arms w all my friends n we all float around together forever c:#i wanna take them w meeeeeeeeeeee#jeanne talks
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i am so productive i cleaned my desk and played tetris nothing bad is ever gonna happen right
#something bad is defineantely gonna happen#i have a really bad feeling that somethings gonna go wrong when talking to them#maybe they really are annoyed at me#ik they were active an hour before i always message but ik theyre busy today so??#but still maybe when i send this message theyre gonna finanlly go off on me#i really shouldnt have asked that a day or two ago. they havent seen it yet and im half tempted to just apologize for it and say i was#just paranoid or smth. i feel like if they see that theyre gonna get really pissed off. why did i ask in the first place. i mean sure i am#very muchly worried about it and all but that doesnt mean they need to know that. this is probably just annoying to them.#and asking if theyre mad only is a cycle of making them more mad because im being annoying and asking if its annoying by asking if theyre#mad is even more of a cycle and oh my god i want to die#anyways how yous doing chat#i can feel myself mentally crawling into bed but i physically cannot espeitally after putting that into words!#best case senario: they see that and ignore it or tell me to fuck off. realistlistic best case senario: they ignore it or tell me theyre#fine and maybe scold me. Worst case senario: they dox me and tell me and everyone else everything ive ever dine wrong and how much they hat#me. hhhg im gonna stop writing this because its making me more tired#(also this desk isnt even “my” desk. my roomate is just letting me use theirs. i havent cleaned my desk properlu for reasons i cant share#here bc it gives aawway waayyyyyy too much info!)
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also love the idea of eddie bringing buck along to help out at some pta event and all the single parents are like 👀👀 and hit on him and eddies just losing his mind watching it happen
#like a mom comes up to buck and is like. heyy do you mind helping me set up? i cant lift this myself#and ofc buck is like. yeah absolutely#and after shes like oh wow youre so strong. and touches his arm#and eddie seed this happen and is like. well i gotta put a stop to that. and walks over and stands wayyyy closer to buck than normal#and wraps an arm around his waist and the mom is like. oh. and send eddie an apologetic smile#or eddie gets cornered by a few moms and theyre like. eddie youve never mentioned your friend was so handsome. he is also a firefighter?#does that mean he is too busy for a girlfriend?? im sure hed like some thing to help him wind down after work#and eddie gets all huffy and is like hes with me actually#so hes not available.#and theyre like oh.#my bad didnt realize when you said he was your friend you meant your BOYfriend#and eddie is on roll so he says my husband actually#and everyone is like huh#because when did eddie diaz get married without them knowing#anyway#but eddie would say some wild shit and the moms and dads would be like okay so no more hitting in buck (in front of eddie)#and eddie would be sitting there trying to justify how telling people buck is his husband was helping buck out#like. well he said hes not looking for a relationship rn this is helping that. or those moms arent really what buck needs in a relationship#and eddie watches buck and the way he smiles and the way his spine curves when he laughs and his hands curl around something and hes like#none of them deserve him. they dont even know that hes the most amazing person to ever walk this earth (after chris) they just want him cuz#hes big and bright and smiley but hes so much more than that.#and so all the parents stop hitting on buck (well. most of them. some of them are lowkey tryna be homewreckers) and buck notices and is lik#hey. eds did you say something at one of the meetings? like all of sudden jill isnt trying to lure me into the bathrooms after pta meetings#and eddies just like. fuck. fuck. fuck. and says oh well. see. actually. it turns out they all think we are married.#oh. well. did you correct them?#uh. no?#and buck just stares at him and eddie stares back until buck is like. you told them we were married didnt you#yeah. sorry its just. it bothered me when they were hitting on you. i shouldve talked to you about it but idk i just had to stop it.#oh. it. uh. bothered you? why?#idk. they dont. they dont know you.
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⛈️❌ //
#this fucking bpd episode is at its worst all bc im going emotionally haywire over fearing just.#fearing abandonment & being left behind fearing i’ll lose contact fearing. a lot of things & im so. fucking. tired. of myself. i’m so.#why cant i be fucking normal instead im fucking defective w my fucking abandonment fears instead i’m some fucking sort of freak who proves#that im still too much for anyone esp w my fucking attachment issues w ppl im friends with. its a miracle they tolerate me at all tbh.#im so afraid & it has not stopped it has not stopped it jas not stopped#& i just feel like some fucking obsessive freak who needs to be fucking put down for being the type whi gets way too fucking. attached. to#those that i happen to trust esp the more i trust em its just. i wish this would stop i hate feeling feverish#i hate feeling this way i really do#its legit made me feverish from the sheer stress its giving me#i hate having BPD it must be nice not fucking being fucking defective in your entire way of being.#it must be nice not being too much in fucking existence for everyone around you it must be nice not being fucking tolerable AT BEST
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hachi choosing to be with takumi 'cause he's an impossible man.. he can never break her heart worse than all the men before him have, and she knows damn well she could never break his..
#guys ive never been happy reading this manga. ive been miserable since the beginning but i cant stop reading#dont even get me started about shin .. guys i cant believe i going to say this but for the first time in my life i have the urge to murder#a woman#SHIN IS A KID. HE WAS FIFTEEN#and the fact that everyone's fully aware of what's happening and not doing anything to stop it#shin you are an angel on earth.. i need to be friends with him so i can tell him he's loved#back to hachi.. she has toxic man syndrome and she cant help it#i understand why everyone dislikes her but i actually really love her so much and i cant help but root for her#she just wants to be loved at the end of the day ...#i cant help but feel that the reason she rejected nobu (apart from her just not liking him that much) was because she was too much#- of a wreck to want to be with someone who isnt a wreck.#i thought this was a funny cute happy lesbian story and instead i was met with tragedy pain suffering and NO LESBIANS?#im on volume 6 so lets hope it goes up from here (it will not)#00
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