#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time

[toastsnaffler]

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

[violetnotez]

HC: Being Super Fluffy and Giving Them Lots of Love!

Anonymous: Could I request something for Izuku, Todoroki, Shinso and Bakugo. They're doing their own thing and are super concentrated or something and reader is just so entranced by them and they're so glad to have be able to call them their boyfriend and reader just gently cups their face and gives them and the most love filled, soft kiss cause AGH THEY'RE PRECIOUS TO READER! 😭 You can totally ignore this if you don't wanna 😂😂😂 I just feel so soft rn

Ahhhhh this is adorable anon! Honeslty some days I just wanna give these babies the biggest hugs UGHHHHHH

Also I changed up my layout a little to be more “aesthteic”, so sorry it it looks different! Do you like it? Drop me a comment on this post or inbox about which style you like better (the usualllll vs. this one!)

Buy Me A Ko-fi! | Masterlist

Pairings: Izuku x reader, Shoto x reader, Shinso x reader, Bakugo x reader

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

I Z U K U 

You and Izuku are having another study night, your body sitting next to his

Obviouskyyyyyyyy this boy does nothing but study smh

But you had completely given up- your brain had shut down after an hour and now you were just half listening to Midoirya mumble and half just admiring your adoarble boyfriend

You honestly miss seeing him look so domestic- you always see him in his uniform, his hero suit, and occasionally his All Might PJs on the weekends

But it feels like agessss since you’ve seen him in proper clothing

He looks just so cute in his teal sweatshirt, his scars peeking out of his sleeves as he wrote random equations on his paper

And his mannerisms are just so adorable-his tongue is poking out of his lips as he tried to work through a math problem, his eyes squinted in concentration and freckles dusting his cheeks like stars

How did you get so lucky getting someone so sweet and cute as him?

“If two goes into this fraction then possibly the variable will be isolated once I subtract the four-” hes mumbling under his breath, his voice so comforting against your ears

You lean your head against his shoulder, the scent of him just barely noticeable but so intoxicating- 

AND HES SOOOO WARMMMM

“’Zuku?” you asked tiredly, a lovesick smile plastered on your face

The sound of your voice breaks Izuku’s thoughts, his brows softening as he looks down at you

“Yes puppy-oh, are you getting tired? You look pretty sleepy...maybe we should take a break-”

omg why is he so sweetttttt

You just feel so calm, so comforted with Izuku it felt like your chest was just filled to the brim with love for this boy

Without warning, you leaned up to Izuku and kissed him softly on the lips,  your head feeling like it was spinning from butterflies

AHHH HE COMBUSTING TOO THO

Once you pull away, Izuku’s cheeks are as bright as cherries and you cant help but smile, cause seriosuly no matter how many times you kiss him he ALWAYS gets flustered

“You know I love you right?” you tell him, butterflies filling your stomach as he looks down at you withe wide, green eyes

COMBUSTING IZUKU IS DECEASED REPEAT IZUKU.EXE IS NO MORE

“o-of course! I-I-love you too!” he stuttered out, his nerves so intense that his tongue was like lead in his mouth

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

S H O T O

It was just one of those crappy

CRAPPY NIGHTS

You couldnt sleep, it was too hot, you were uncomfrotable, your ,ind was racing

And once you DID fall you course had a gut wrenching nightmare that left you panting and sweating from fear

WHAT THE HECK BRAIN

So time for some good ol’ Shoto cuddles

And that’s how your now cuddled up into Shoto’s side, his body keeping you nice and cool

This boy was literally the sweetest- even though it was like1 in the morning, he couldnt care less about that and just focused on you

He quickly knew something was wrong when you were waiting in the doorway, his strong arms encasing you in atight hug

“Y/n dear, are you feeling alright? Whats bothering you?”

You just snuggled yourself deeeepppp into that boy cause he felt so comforting, his voice was velvety

also how does he always smell like detergent and expensive ass cologne like yessir thats the scent for meeeee

He quickly ushered you inside his room, his hands gripping your shoulders firmly

Literally all fears from that dream melted away with Shoto- his energy was so unbelievably strong and protective, it felt like nothing bad in the world would ever happen cause Shoto was there, and he wouldnt let anything bad happen to you

Also- seeing him in a plain white tee and black shorts literally could have made you swooned, cause god this boy really looks hot in anything huh?

He didnt judge you in the slightest about the dream, just offering for you to spend the night with him

Your head was cuddled into his firm chest, that intoxicating detergent-cologne-rich boy smell making your insides feel fluffy like cotton as his hands quietly brushed the hairs away from your face

He’s ask you small question, like “Are you comfortable dear?” or “Is that dream still bothering you”, just little things to make you feel more safe and open to talk to him

Shoto never wanted you to feel like you had to hide anything from him, and the effort really showed

You were know getting sleepy but the overwhelming feeling of appreciation and love for Shoto was exploding out of you

At this point you just wanted to show your undying gratitude to your boyfriend for being so unbelievably adorable and sweet

You shifted yourself, propping yourself slightly on his stomach so you could look at his face

damn this boy really got blessed with all the good genes huh?

You ran your fingers lightly against his skin, relishing the slight changes from cool to hot, your hands cupping his cheeks and feeling both sensations course through your body

Once you felt him sigh from content, you took it up a notch, leaving feather light kisses on his sheeks, his brows, his eyes, his scar...any avaliable skin you marked with yours

“Love, may I ask what you’re doing- you should be sleeping right now, its quite late-”

“I wanna show you I love you tho...” you sent the boy a pout, a deep chuckle rumbling through his chest and vibrating throughout your body

“But I already know you love me,” he grinned sheepishly cause god your just so adorable, like a puppy desperate to give their owner attention

“Well-I still want to show you,” you stated, your voice slightly thick from sleep as you continued to kiss the rest of Shoto’s face

All this boy could do was lean into his pillow, his hands finding themselves on your waist cause he knew you were gonna do this until you were tired

He wasnt complaining though- you being cuddly and cute like this literally rocked his world in the best way possible

“You know- your very endearing when your half asleep”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

S H I N S O 

Shinso is probably the most hardcore gamer you know

It was late in the night, and this guy was still going at it, now playing a game of Mario Kart on the TV, the screen bright against his features

You had gotten tired of the video games, just deciding to watch your boyfriend play instead of being the one to play

And god were you happy with THAT decision

He just looked so...adorable, his body clad in a tight black tee and baggy gray sweats, once foot straight and one foot bent as he sat on the floor playing

His hair was unruly as ever, sticking out in every direction

HIs eyes were completely enraptured by the task in front of him, scanning the screen 

He was just so cute, lookking so intense yet so sleep deprived 

it was adorable how badly he wanted to beat the player playing against him

And then he went a licked HIS LIPS

IN THE MIDDLE OF PLAYING

Your face erupted in red cause

OMG

HES JUST SO HOT AND PRETTY AND UGHHHHHHH

You waited unpatiently to the last round, the music picking up pace as he sped to the finish line, hes cart victoriously earning 1st place

The dude didnt even cheer, just the most self absorbed smirk plastered on his face in pride

THAT IS WHEN YOU POUNCEDDDDD

You quickly plopped yourself gently into his lap, your thighs cradling his sides

“Aww whats the matter kitten, not giving you enough attention?”

Yours hands fell against the softness of the black shirt and oh thank godddddd its so thin, your digits trailing upward and feeling the slight ridges of his muscles underneath the fabric

“No....its just- its not fair for you to look so cute while playing games and I cant cuddle you....”

“Heh, I look cute?”

This boy really cannot fathom how you find him so endearing, and now you just want to prove it to him

“Mmhmm,” you answer a smile on your lips as you cup his face in your hands

HIs hair is so tickly against the tips of your fingers, his broad chest radiating heat throughout your body

Your start to leave quick kisses on him, starting from his checks and working in towards his mouth, but not quite kissing him square on the lips

The closest you get to kissing him is on the corners of his lips, leaving electric sparks against his skin

The boy is desperate now

You cant just do that to him 

“Aww cmon darling, dont tease me like that” he sends you a cocky grin, his pointer finger gently tilting your chin and pulling you into a deep kiss

SHINSO IS A GOOD KISSER FIGHT ME ON THIS

Once you pull away, your head is just spinning cause goddddd this boy is just a blessing

“Let me play one more round, and then we’ll head off to bed, alright?” he asks, his free hand now cupping your cheek

You sigh in content, your hands wrapping around his waist and snuggling into his chest, a warm, smoky smell like cedarwood drifitng to your senses and lulling  you to relax

“Okay...”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

B A K U G O

“Im winning this damn bear for you-”

“Katsuki no you already wasted $15 now lets go-”

“Im WiNiNiNG. ThE DaMn. BEAR- SO SHUT IT AND LET ME CONCENTRATE >:(”

You have been standing here for 10 minutes now, Bakugo determinnneddddd to win this gigantic teddy bear for you from a claw machine at an arcade

You feel so bad about it, but honestly, its turned into a personal grudge from him now

HES DETERMINED TO WIN IT AND MAKE YOU HAPPY

While your watching him you cant help it but find him adorable

Hes wearing a plain black tee and jean jacket, something he NEVER wears but looks so good on him?

This boy could be a model fight me on this

His face is the cutest tho-

You can tell he’s absolutely pissed cause he expected to win the animal way sooner than this, his eyebrows pointed downward and his teeth gnawing at his bottom lip

and then

AND THEN

THIS BOY FINALLYYYYYYY GETS IT

He’s trying his hardest not to start cheering cause he really just did that (after wasting $25 but ya know we’ll overlook that)

Your so happy too and that triumphant look on his face just melts your heart

cause he may be a cocky asshole but hes YOUR cocky asshole

“Ha- see told you I’d win it!”

Whatverrrrrr- you roll your eyes, your hands already snuggling the big bear up to your cheek

ITS SO SO SOFT AND SQUISHY YOU MIGHT CRY FROM THE CUTENESS

Your mind is already thinking of where to put it in your room (names too??) but then you look up at your boyfriend and UGH you could literally melt on the spot

cause he looks SO PROUD and SO SOFT- his hands stuffed into the pocket of his pants as he gives you the smallest, happiest little smirk everrrrr

Your just feeling so grateful for the boy in front of you right now, that you put the teddy bear down and wrap Bakugo into a hug

Bakugo always acts like he doesnt want physical attention, especially in public-

But you know this boy lovessss to be touched, so when he returns the hug and gives your sides a small squeeze your weakkk in the knees

AND HE SMELLS SO GOOD

Always like caramel and something rich like firewood

You give him a quick kiss on the back of his neck

AND HOLY SHIT

HES COMBUSTING

Thank god the arcade is dark cause you would totally see his blush (something he will deny)

You pull away a smile on your face as you tell him thank you,

And

*le sigh

of course he ruins the whole cute moment you two had by saying, “Whatever-your the one who wanted the damn thing even though your too old for that shit-”

Just remind him of the All Might figures he secretly had stashed in his closet and he will combust again

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

Taggings:

Everything Taglist:

@bunnythepipsqueak​ @pasteldaze​  @ionlyspeakinmyheroacademia​     @notadrian​  @hithoeshi​ @sizzlingbarbarianglitter​ @sunnie-nugget​ @shoutosteakettle​ @we-mentally-unstable​ @sm0kingcrack​

Izuku Taglist:

@pyrofanatic​ @askgiggles​ @ask-giggles1303​ @local-space-quexn​ @ihavenolife842​

Shoto taglist:

@teddybear-jelly​ @mishtimitsuri​

Bakugo Taglist:

@pyrofanatic​ @kai-charm​

Get Tagged to My Taglist Here!

[misterbitches]

i live in a universe where if i were to walk down the street i could get murdered willy nilly cos im black but men are out here going around being like “my boyfriend and i met when he was a junior in high school” i don’t believe in jail and i try not to make jail jokes but HOW IS THAT FAIR? JAIL!!! GUILLOTINE!!!! GET THIS MAN A RETIREMENT FUND AND A THERAPIST

that dialogue was fucking embarrassing. he shoulda just said “im 12 yrs older than him” no one needs to know u were 30 dating a 17 year old u insecure freak. retire bitch and get away from her

 i wanted muren so badly to be like “LMAO SRY didnt mean to seem surprised i just like men my own age i guess?” i wouldnt have even apologized if i was surprised. my friend was dating someone ten yrs younger than him and i made fun of him for it and he was like “i know” bc he does know.

just a tip: i don’t like getting hit on by men way older than me, a lot of people don’t. i’ve had men who are 36 interested in me when i was 23, and i reciprocated, but now as i am 29 and older i realize how much it confused me and how i didn’t like it.

age gaps are what they are. ther’es many times i do not like it especially if it is a pattern (this is what happens in tv shows and movies and the opposite of that isn’t gay age gaps or power imbalances or women much older than a younger man ok that’s not progress it’s just peopl ewanting to be like cis men and no one wants that) and esp if the person’s peers are all their ages. people seem to forget that we travel in the same social circles on purpose due to our environments and also our world experiences. the only way to meet an older man is outside of school and yet adults can’t seem to control themselves?

i saw this person who was one of the editors of sexual hegemony (a book on capitalism and homophobic laws and sex basically idk google it it’s interesting) and he was trying to have a foucultian outlook (i hate focault btw doesn’t mean what he says wasnt interesting but it does mean i am not okay with psychosexual philosophers who take advantage of people. the only testament against him having reltaions with younger people is a bunch of young people i nfucking tunisia and there’s an excuse that he wasn’t a fucking pedophile he was those ebebebbeopopopo people and it doesnt matter when ur in fucking tunisia as a white french algerian fucking preying on children) how age of consent laws desexualize younger people. they were passed for  abunch of reasons like any law but here is the thing

we have no business in being in spaces to determine children’s sexual identity and teenagers in their own realm. THEY need to figure it out. our job as adults is to PROTECT THEM full stop. not intrude on their lfe and not give them the tools to decide for themselves. age of consent laws are meant to protect not to facilitate children against some boogeyman of sex. the issue is the way our society views it but young people are sexual AS YOUNG PEOPLE. it has NOTHING to do with adults and it shouldn’t. that’s why it is extra fucking intrusive when you are literally wedged into someone’s life who you have no business being around. it’s only by fucking circumstance. it’s abysmal and not cute. 

what this tells me is that the age gap is salacious. not in the way that i was 23 and a man was 36. in the way that he was 17 and this dude was 29. that’s interesting right? it’s “oooh” and it means we shouldn’t balk at it. saying 12 years would have sufficed, raises some eyebrows, and we can figure out the dynamics after but you just had to put that in BECAUSE YOU FUCKING LIKE IT but the thing is there’s no part of it that was fun. i’m just going to assume you like fucking teenagers bc that’s what it’s telling me lmao

i rarely talk about this couple but to put them in my eyeballs and then have that stupid conversation it was insulting lmao god please get a fucking script supervisor fuck but none of them care about sotry or any of what i fucking laid out. how stupid and careless and just unfun. i don’t like it. also ew at the idea of 2 tops and 2 bottoms talking oh my god i am gonna give myself a heart attack i’m already so fucking anxious i have to see my family lemme chill

im 29 and feel bad having a crush on a 23 year old CELEBRITY ok and i SHOULD feel ashamed and it’s not even a big deal that’s how everyone should approach life tbqh u walk around like ur 100 yrs old to avoid children. oh what’s that this korean cebrity learned english and moved to america to start a family with me and i find him very hot and i like his voice but we’re 6 years apart i’m not sure if i would work (how fun of a drama would that be. pointless and ridiculous. i love it.)

oh there’s a great review on CMBYN and its history and how the isolation and seeclusion was so fuckign capitalist bougie patriarchy and yea idk if anyone is interested. i think it’s ironic the ending for the people in CMBYN irl bc it’s just. so indicative of this shit. i dont like guadignino (idk is that how u spell his name) and think he’s not a great....person or director (i love the look of suspiria tho likke visually and edited. the DP was thai btw! he did an amazing job!!!) but it critiques this film from a perspective of someone who clearly at least cares about artistry, no matter how poorly i think he executes it, and just how hollow it is. the thing about “escapism” is that it relies on the harsh realities of the world to make it opposite, everything has context, nothing is apolitical. to make something that exists in a vacuum is negligent and it doesn’t help you escape it makes you even more tied to this world and its flaws because it doesn’t do anything to mitigate it.

people view it as like “we can put something stupid on screen and people have to accept it in this world” but that isn’t how IT WORKS. you hvae to build up the stakes of the world. but i can’t see introducing some “taboo” (see: stupid) elements and pretending the escapism is seeing this and allowing it. how could it be when the problem is the nature of the rship itself? what world are you taking us to? and why does this world ignore the pressing realities? and i wouldnt say either of these are explicit escapism (i think i hate that word now) becuase um they arent. this fantastical generally rich people escapism isn’t about bending things that don’t work to mold it into our society because WE DO THAT ALREADY it’s about taking those things and twisting them to something we can accept and like or something that has real consequences for people. it’s so funny how marketing and the idea of pc culture and shit and conservative ideology seeps into these. they have  an explicit interest in holding the status quou of taking advantage of people and using their power; age is a huge structure to do so. in this society when we struggle why would its existence not be challenged? because rape, ridiculous rships, abusive rships, torture etc is a power move, conservatives rest on it and people who gain power. what about that is appealing? making it gay? well, no. especially because men DO have power. 

every fucking thing in BL is a reflection of of patriarchy honestly. i can admit that and i’m not okay with it but it’s consumption. there’s a way to make this decent or entertaining without it being so fucking poorly done. and atp i dont even want to call things bl it’s a tv show just bc it’s for a certain audience doesnt mean anything do better idiots

[katsukikitten]

Summer night of third year 2??

Yea I'm sorry but what the fuck did I name part 1? Maybe if I kept UP TO DATE with my master list I wouldnt have this problem.

⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️

Time does not move as slowly as Katsuki thought as the sun sets on class 1As beach day much faster than he'd like to admit.

The umbrellas were closed much like this day at the beach as they were left for tomorrow. You linger, eyes staring over what was picture perfect moments ago, there's still tomorrow is what you keep telling yourself as you walk backwards towards the lodge.

Dinner was already underway by the time you slipped into the dining room. What between Katsuki who was voluntold to cook and Todoroki y'all would be eating in a few minutes. Bodies begin to pile in to sit around the large table in the combined two rooms, you bite your lip forgetting how much you hate confined spaces with a crowd, even as you sat at the very end.

Even when these people were supposed to be your friends, yet the room still felt a little claustrophobic and you weren't drunk enough to be able to deal with all of them at once yet. You tap the flask that hides in your inside pocket and your fingers touch the smooth square box of cigarettes. Suddenly the box is SCREAMING at you, at how badly you want a stick to your lips with a flame burning at the end.

If nothing more than an excuse to get outside.

You slide out the side door with ease without even having to use your quirk. You flick your lighter on and off a few times as an irritatingly smooth voice growls in your head.

*"Bullshit you can quit anytime you want, you're a slave to them."*

You growl to yourself pulling an aromatic stick from the box being sure to dodge your lucky as you place it between your tender lips.

You COULD stop anytime you wanted. The fact of the matter was you simply didn't fucking want to.

You light the small white stick, giving it a good drag before you blow it from your nose like a dragon.

"All you're doing is proving my fucking point, princess baka."

You lift your shirt and find the smooth handle of your favorite knife to slam it into the door jamb at the last second as you see it is only that annoying asshole who won't leave you alone.

"One day I'm going to follow through and you'll be dead, stalker boy." You go to take another drag but the stick and your pack of smokes is ripped from your hand and going up in smoke encouraged by little popping sounds.

"Can you fucking not?!" You pull the knife from the wood angrily, brandishing it for just a moment before returning it to its sheath on your ribs. Other wise it might sink between his third and fourth, never to obliterate your smokes again.

Your stomach twists at the thought and you brush over the handle before finding the cool flask.

"Oi, dinner is ready. You might wanna get in there before there's nothing left."

"Yea yea I'll think about eating." You grumble, crossing your arms as you think about how far away the next convience store was.

10 miles last you saw and you were pretty sure an overly priced pack of smokes wasn't going to be worth it.

"You better eat, you've drank more than you've eaten. Plus I didn't cook for your shit to get cold." He looks over his shoulder with dark eyes, "Now come inside Princess."

Ten miles was looking better and better.

*************

The night wound down to be dull and boring even as all of you drank.

But no one had the balls to be open about their feelings.

Even you could see that in the past six months that some of these fools have been avoiding it and what better way than to bring it to the forefront by stirring the shit pot. You smirk to yourself as you sashay to the freezer pulling out the stashed bottles of liquor making your way to sit at the head of their circle snatching Kirishima's beer and chugging it as you do.

"Hey!" He whines but you ignore him, all eyes on you. The sore thumb of the group, the black sheep that does not belong. The anomaly that disrupts the team.

You smile to yourself at the thought.

"So everyone is single right?" A lot of blushing cheeks confirm your hunch, "Good then no one will have a problem participating."

You place the cool glass in the center of the circle placing it to yourself first.

"Participate in fucking what?" Katsuki growls but does not make a move to leave just yet. He needs to be here to make sure you're on your best behavior.

"Kiss or dare!" You smile and when all twenty of your classmates give you a puzzled look you sigh, "Its like this."

You spin the bottle, the glass rounds and rounds, whirring as it does before it starts to slow as Minta all but pants at the idea of a kissing game.

The empty beer lands on Denki, his cheeks flush, golden eyes flashing to Jhiro at lightening speed missed by all but you as you take a mental note.

"So the bottle landed on Denki, I have the choice to kiss him or not. If I choose not to he gets the choice of 'Is it true that...' or 'I dare you to..' but you cannot dare them to kiss you, but you can dare them to kiss someone else. If you do not do the dare, truth, or kiss you MUST take a shot but after your third pass you have to do what's asked of you." You smile at him and his cheeks deepen in hue, "Dont worry this is practice. I'd like a truth or dare."

He swallows as he thinks, the meme lord wondering if he should just ask what he's been dying to know since you transferred here or if he should make light of the situation.

"Is it true that you were a former criminal in the states? Like a modern day cat woman?" He eyes your tight black tank top that dips a little low and how it fits your curves. You smile at his question, one of the many rumors going around school about you.

"Technically that's two questions." You purr opting to take your shot, "Now let's begin! U-san you have the honors of spinning first."

Iida, Ojiro, Aoyama, Koda, Sato and Shoji opt out silently then and there agreeing to build the separators for the rooms so the can play video games.

"Well I'm not playing fuck this." Katsuki goes to stand, part of you is relieved and the other?

Well the other wants to get under his skin.

"What a surprise that stalker boy is scared." You giggle, Kirishima stares at you with mouth agape as Katsuki looks over his shoulder.

"What the fuck did you say?"

"I said you are a coward." You say slowly so he can understand. He sits back down in an angry puff.

"You'll regret challenging me." He says darkly, half the class gulps but you roll your eyes at the dramatics.

"Yea yea. I'll rue the fucking day." You say mockingly before your voice is laced with excitement, "Now back to you U-san."

"Ah me?" She is blushing as badly as Deku who sits across from her. You wonder if she hopes with all her heart that it will land on the emerald hair boy but the Gods have spoken as it lands on an apathetic pair of heterochromatic eyes. She let's out the smallest sound of disappointment that makes you shudder.

This night will prove interesting after all

"Uh...ummm" Brown doe eyes flash to Deku before locking onto Todoroki, "Truth or dare!"

"Is it true that you have a crush on someone in this room?" His voice is smooth, caressing the room even as everyone falls silent, astounded by his bluntness. You glee bubbles up from your stomach in a manic smile. She turns the color of Katsuki's scarlet eyes before she finally answers, eyes glued to the floor.

"Yes.."

"Well well!" You giggle, "Someone may get a confession tonight! Momo your turn!"

The Gods do not favor Momo as the bottle comes to a halt in front of a purple headed boy, the every girl shudders with displeasure at the thought.. She gulps while he drools, eyes glued to her figure.

"Truth or dare." She says quickly, and his face becomes visibly crest fallen.

"Is it true your bra size is a DD32?" He stares blatantly at her covered chest, she moves her baggy sweatshirt to cover herself more. She brings a well manicuried hand to the little glass of clear liquid before her and swallows the burning shot whole.

Katsuki spins the bottle angirly, causing it to tailspin for far too long before landing on Kirishima.

Denki, Sero, and Mina laugh as Katsuki grits his teeth. Kirishima teasingly puckers his lips earning a deadly glare.

"Truth or dare you fucking idiot."

"Hmmm I dare you to try to get the number from the receptionist downstairs." He offers a challenging smirk to witch Katsuki returns.

"Easy." He stands quickly as you laugh.

"Who would want *his* number?" You giggle but Kirishima stands, motioning for you to follow as the dare unfolds.

The two of you stand on the stairs shrouded in shadows. A place you are used to being as Katsuki looks over his shoulder a final time before leaning agaisnt the counter. You smile knowing he will fail but as his voice comes out smoothly, husky even as he gives off this aura of exuding power, speaking to the blushing girl your stomach twists.

"M...my number." She looks up at him shyly and he leans closer, with a cocky grin on his face.

"Yes, princess." He purrs. Something pangs in your chest over the pet name. As far as you knew you were the only one he called that. Your brows dip into a scowl as she giggles.

"I would love to get to know you more..." He adds, twirling the pen before he offers it to her. She grabs onto his hand writing on his palm her actual number.

"You'll text me?" The beautiful girl behind the desks asks with almost a sadness to it.

"Of course I will, *Princess*." He purrs albeit you do not know it is a lie. This time you cannot deny the rage that wells in your stomach although you chalk it up to his victory. You crumple a five into Kirshima's large palm before the ash blonde meets the two of you on the stairs, palm held out to you with a heart around her phone number. You hear her texting madly on her phone. Most likely texting her friends about the oh so "hot" blonde that got her number. You roll her eyes.

"Text her right now." You bite and Katsuki gives you a look before he whips out his phone. Thumbs tapping away at the phone quickly.

He turns his phone to you, the face of it displays a Hey Princess that has you grinding your teeth as her phone in the lobby dings, followed by her delighted squeal and three dots popping up in reply. You lock his phone before turning on your heel.

"The others are waiting." You say smoothly.

Two more rounds flash by in what feels like seconds as the bottle is again in your possession.

"I cannot believe no one has kissed anyone yet! Now every third turn you must kiss who it lands on. Yall got these next two rounds to figure your shit out!" You dictate, spinning the bottle with flair. It lands on Mina who's eyes widen as she stares at the glass bottle. The room seems to still again, waiting for your move.

And do you make a fucking move.

All eyes are on you, two red sets in particular that watch you crawl in your much too short shorts that give half of the class a view they cannot forget while the other half gets a picture perfect moment of your breasts.

You straddle Mina gently before pulling her pink chin towards you, capturing her lips with yours as if she were the love of your life. She whimpers beneath your touch, a swipe of your tongue over hers before you pull away. Her cheeks aflame from both the kiss and the other sets of eyes on you both.

Because when you did something you did it BIG.

Sero and Denki share a look, silently conveying to one another just how hot that was, thanking the Kamisami above for this twisted game of Kiss or Dare.

The bottle spins on, Uraraka omits what her panty color is, Deku must admits he too has a crush, Denki tells the gritty details of what his last dream was about (he leaves out the part where he and Jhiro make out) Todoroki has to strip to his deep sapphire blue boxers and stay in them for the rest of the night, your eyes catch over his abs with delight.

The other girls silently thank you for your boldness and catch the hint. Begining to dare the boys to strip.

Katsuki's bottle lands on Mina who gives him a cat smile.

"True or dare." He bites out.

"I dare you to strip to your boxers for the rest of the evening." She laces her fingers together with delight as he rolls his eyes from the predictably.

Despite having seen all the guys in their bathing suits today there was just *something* about the way boxers fit a guy.

Your smile begins to fade as you watch him remove his shirt, grabbing it by the back of the collar and pulling it in a swift motion, revealing his wash board abs. Your mouth waters for a moment so deft hands unbuckle his belt with ease, you bite your lip suddenly angry. Angry that he is taking his clothes off differently than the rest of them, Kirishima and Todoroki undressed normally, quickly even but Bakugou stands with finesse somehow in his agitated movements, sliding down his Khaki shorts over toned legs to reveal black boxers that cling to his powerful thighs and cute ass.

Your heart stills watching his muscles become taunt before he tosses his shit to the side, cocky smile in his lips so he goes back into a criss cross sitting position.

"Oi." He says to the whole class before his eyes land on you, "Stop staring."

Everyone averts their eyes but you, you hold onto his gaze narrowing your eyes as that damn cocky grin grows wider.

The game plays on and your bottle lands on Kirishima.

You lick your lips, ready to dive onto that heavenly hardened body. You straddle him as you did Mina, titling his head more roughly than you did her towards you while his hands naturally find themselves on your hips.

You steal the breath from him as your mouth works wonders, tongue massaging, his eyes flutter as he fights back a groan but the whole class can see how tight his grip is on your hips.

The sight having one person in particular seething, scarlet eyes roving over the indents in your thick hips. He bites back a growl and you part from Kirishima none the wiser as you say aloud.

"How does Mina taste on me?"

His eyes widen, as his heart clenches with guilt at your reminder who his actual crush is. But Mina seems unbothered, excited to share a story that they kissed the same *girl*.

Uraraka spins the glass, this time Kamisama smiles upon her and it lands on Deku. She goes to chicken out but you interrupt her truth or dare.

"As a reminder, everyone this round HAS to kiss who the bottle lands on." Deku blushes furiously as Uraraka walks over to him, she gets to her knees before him before kissing him on the cheek last second. Everyone let's out an audibly sigh. But to your surprise Deku pulls her back to him and kisses her fiercely.

"I want you to stop playing this game." His voice comes out a whisper to her but the hushed room allows for everyone to hear, "Let's go to the beach."

You smile as your plan slowly comes together. Momo's bottle some hoe lands on Todoroki, both of them so wasted that they cannot stop themselves from their kiss. Both having held back their feelings for far too long. Todoroki lifts Momo with strong arms as he guides her to the balcony. Denki lands on Jhiro and they both agree to quit but they hold hands as they leave. Slowly your circle shrinks. Katsuki spins and the bottle lands on Kirishima again.

Their eyes widen and as Katsuki goes to stand to leave the game you hold his gaze.

"Coward." You say loudly and he walks to Kirishima, eyes glued to you as he pulls the male up by his chin. Kissing him with a fevor you did not know Katuki possessed and just like you Kirishima cannot deny the passion of the kiss and must fight back a groan. Katsuki let's go, wiping his mouth as the small circle stares in amazement. Hagakure lands on Mineta causing her to comment on how late it was, disappearing quickly as she shed her clothes. Mineta passes out from both a broken heart and too many shots to think. Another round happens, Tokoyami lands on Mina to which he pecks on the cheek, your bottle lands on Mina and she dares you to take off your shirt.

Leaving you to be the one to blush now as she knows you arent wearing anything more than an unlined bralette. Its tight enough that it reveals your pierced nipple to which scarlet eyes are glued.

It is the ash blonde's turn now and it lands on you. You smile as you think up a question to ask him but instead he stands, walking towards you and stopping just beside you. He lifts you by the arm pulling you away from the group.

"She's done playing." A chorus of aaaahhhs rings out before the game dissolves before your very eyes.

"How are you just going to dictate that the game is over stalker boy?!" You growl as he pushes you onto the separate balcony from Todoroki and Momo.

You pat yourself for your smokes, becoming more and more agitated with the blonde before you as you remember what happened to them.

Lucky and all.

"I can dictate whatever I want Princess." The name ignites a drunken fire in you and you shove him, pushing him against the wall hating his God damn intoxicating scent of slightly burnt sugar.

"Don't call me that. Clearly you save that name for any old stupid slut." You hiss. Bakugou's eyes narrow, bare skin heating beneath your palms that press against his chest. One over his sternum the other prodding the sweet meat between two ribs. He flips you, slamming you into the exterior wall, deadly arms trapping you as the wooden siding bites into your ass, back and bare thighs. One of his hands finds your hip, squeezing hard enough for a bruise to blossom as he is reminded that someone else has gripped your tender flesh.

"Then I have every right to call you a slut huh? You kissed half the class tonight." He snarls darkly, "I can only imagine what you did in the states while you were a thief AND an assassin."

You still at his comment, no longer trying to move his muscled body from yours.

"How did you?" It comes out angry yet your eyes still water.

"You don't make a sound when you walk, you appear out of thin air, you blend into any crowd or background better than I've ever seen and lastly a lot of stuff has turned up missing." He leans closer to you, "Like a certain t shirt of mine, a lighter I use for practice, Azawai's goggles and about 50,000 yen between the twenty of us."

You look away more ashamed over the killing more than the stealing. The stealing you picked up to survive, the killing...

Well the killing paid big and you had a lot you needed to pay for.

Not that any of it mattered in the end with the life that was cut much too short.

You grab onto his forearm, nails digging into his skin, silently begging for him to stop.

"You have swift hands. It's why I have to watch you." He tilts your chin his way again and you jerk free just for his strong fingers to find your jawline once more.

"I hate you watching me." A dark growl leaves your kissable lips that somehow cuts deeper into Katsuki than one of your knives ever has.

"Why?" The question comes out slowly and you whip your eyes to his.

"Your gaze is so heavy Suki. I'm only ever reminded of the wrong I've done and the wrong I'll continue to do. I never please you, you always scold me and I told myself well at least he hates me some kinda special since I have my own nickname but come to find out you call any bitch that!" You huff, stupid drunk tears pricking your eyes.

"You think I *care* about that girl downstairs?" He snarls darkly, "Do I make sure she eats when she goes through a depressive episode? To I help steer her clear of smoking or alchohol that she could binge on during her darkest hour? Do I pick a fight or force her to spare with me when I know she needs to let off steam? Do I feed her the finest foods, place a chocolate bar for her to steal out of the freezer or treat her remotely to fucking anything like you?"

You have no words as you digest what he had said, scarlet eyes flickering back and forth, searching yours for answers before he finds it. He tilts your head to his, taking your lips to his own as he kisses you tenderly, parting and returning to kiss you deeply. Biting your lip for entrance as your tongues fight, his hands finding your pierced nipple easily. He gives it a harsh tug earning a moan into his mouth. He explores you for a few moments before he let's go, both of your lips swollen as you pant for breath.

"You're my one and fucking only, got it *Princess*?"

"Yea yea stalker boy." You pull him back to you by the nape of his neck, kissing him with breath stealing passion.

[normal-thoughts-official]

At what exact moment do you think malec fall in love?that moment in 1×06 when Magnus uses Alec's strength and then falls down exhausted? It's such an underrated moment but one can write a whole essay on it

as a matter of fact, yes, i do believe it was the moment in 1.06 (there is a reason it is my header, after all) and im really glad u asked because its one of my favorite moments and Ive been thinking of making a post about it in forever but never got to it so [cracks knuckles]

well, actually, i think 1.06 was the moment magnus fell in love. i dont know when alec fell in love, to be honest - i think with him, it was just something that kind of settled and clicked into place, you know? there was that attraction and there was the fact that magnus was an amazing person who had amazing chemistry with alec and who fought for him and extended his hand and tried to comfort him without judgement when no one would really allow him to be himself - and who gave him a space to be more of him than any other. but i dont think there was a precise moment when it hit Alec, and suddenly he had fallen; i think he realised he loved magnus when he said he loved him, but at that point it was already cemented. alec is a steady, careful guy; when he falls, he falls hard and becomes an absolute imbecile but until then it kind of settles in slowly, lodges itself inside of him until its carefully in place, and he doesnt really know when it happened. honestly, i relate to that because that's how it works for me, too.

but with Magnus, it was a little different - he had closed himself off from love for centuries, and while obviously he only fell in love with alec because he was already on the pathway to recover and had been for a while now, sure and steady (alec is definitely the right person for him, but he also came at the right time, cuz if he hadnt Magnus wouldnt really be able to allow himself to give in to the obvious pull they had), breaking that kind of wall is hard and is, for many people, something that happens suddenly, all at once, like the crash of a tsunami wave; it kind of isnt there until it suddenly is, flooding out and filling you. and with magnus that's definitely what happened; he had a click moment, when suddenly his walls were down and he found himself feeling, despite himself

you can see a clear difference in how magnus treats alec in 1.04-05 and how he does in 1.06. in 1.04-05 hes flirty, yes, obviously interested, but hes doing it teasingly, playfully, confident in a way that is only possible when theres not much on the line. don't get me wrong, i dont think he was using alec or lying to him - that's not the kind of person Magnus is at all - i just think that it was harmless flirting and interest with not much at stake. he was keeping his kind of playboy, devil-may-care persona (with the exception of the moment when he told alec there was nothing to be ashamed of, because of course magnus "compulsive emotional support" bane would immediately drop the act when he sees someone struggle. ugh. and alec notices this, too, all right, he can see right through to the person magnus really is in that moment, even if he closes himself off). and that wasnt even just in front of Alec; the whole "playing hard to get, i love a challenge" thing was after alec had hung up, there was no one there, he was just talking to himself the dumb dork and it is clear there is not much at stake for him here; he isnt in love, so theres no chance of heartbreak

compare that to the way he acted during drinks with Alec in 1.06. its a completely different person. even in his posture, the way he looks at Alec and moves around him, his facial expressions, theres a softness and vulnerability that just wasnt there at any point before (did yall thank Harry Shum Jr for ur rights today? seriously the man is such a great actor his talent is unbelievable). and for magnus to allow himself to be vulnerable- well, that's big. that's what he was scared of, after all. that's what has brought him hurt and made him swear off romantic relationships for so long

and he says this; he opens up to alec, a person he barely knows, tells him a little about his past, tells Alec hes unlocked something in him. it's not harmless flirting anymore, its not just a mere pursuit of someone hes casually interested in; theres something way, way deeper going on, and this is abundantly clear throughout the whole scene and every single one of magnus' actions. magnus has fallen. this is serious now; hes feeling things he didnt even remember how to, and his entire demeanor changes.

and look, that's really important to me, okay, because i hate the whole love at first sight thing. so when i started watching sh, i was kind of turned off from malec because i was like "oh theyre gonna suddenly fall in love for no reason" but no. that's not what happened. they had attraction, and chemistry, yes, for sure, definitely, but the feelings that sparked inside of them were very much real and solid and built organically, even if quickly. malec is so powerful because their attraction and devotion to each other makes sense, and because their relationship is so trusting, happy, fun, and healthy.

so lets go to 1.06 - the defining moment, the big game changer for the both of them. i know the exact milisecond magnus falls in love - its this one

(gif isnt mine, i had it saved on my phone and dont remember who made it; if you do, please let me know so i can credit them)

bitch, you are seeing it happen!!! you're watching it, right now!! the way he looks up and his whole face changes; he goes from heavy breaths to these little puffs of air, looks up at alec in awe, and it's all over his face, the softness in his features, the open vulnerability hes showing for the very first time in the entire show - even when he was almost running out of magic, he still looked way more put together than he does in this moment; in here he is open, he has no masks, and hes absolutely soft and open and vulnerable. and you can see it dawn on him too, the realisation that he let alec in, just late enough for it to be too late. it's done. god, i cant fucking believe harry shum jr invented acting. like holy shit, dude

and alec sees it too; in this moment he looks down and he sees the vulnerability in magnus' face and he knows this is the real magnus; that's what he looks like without all the walls and masks, and it's just- beautiful. incredible. you can see the love and the softness inside of him and it's just so easy to find a home in those eyes of his, and ugh, i might be changing my mind, this was the moment alec fell in love too

but anygays, why now, right? what was the big gamechanger in this scene?

well, first of all, id like to stress again, just for good measure, that magnus was already well on his path to recovery from abuse and beginning to open up again; his journey through finding self love and strength to stand on his own feet and be able to open himself for others is his and his alone. alec could be his perfect match (and he is) (fuck it i dont care they are perfect for each other, i never really thought there was such a thing even in fictional couples but shit dude they really are as perfect as it gets, malec truly invented love its unbelievable) and it still wouldnt matter if magnus wasnt ready not only to open up, but to get in a relationship as his own person, and not putting himself down like with camille. of course, he still has a long way to go, and recovery is not a straight line, so he still does things like not tell him when hes hurt and downplay his own pain so as not to "annoy" him or whatever, but he is on equal ground. the very first thing that happens when they finally get together (after the whole wedding ordeal) is, they fight. because alec was being an asshole and treated magnus badly and was really rude and magnus was hurt and he was tired of always being the one to chase after Alec, and he told him that. that's extremely important, because it establishes that Magnus isnt just running after Alec or doing anything for him - he wants a mutually fulfilling relationship and hes willing to fight for it, demand it, not accept less than it. and that's fucking recovery right here, folks. it's so hard for previously abused people to do that. so hard. it still is hard for him, but hes doing it. so, again: Magnus' journey to opening up and finding space for a healthy relationship in his life is his and his alone. and they were lucky as shit to have met when they did.

so, with that being said: 1.06 (god, this answer is such a mess, im ndjdjdidicn). you can see magnus fall in love, right then and there. the moment it happens: when he falls, and realises Alec is still holding him, making sure hes steady. not just that, but holding his hand (despite that being totally unnecessary now), and asking him if he's okay.

it's really unsubtle symbolism (and i mean that in the best possible way): Alec holding him when he fell symbolizes support; holding his hand symbolizes caring, because he could just hold him as to not let him fall, but the fact that hes holding his hand shows that hes trying to support him not just physically, but emotionally; and asking if hes okay shows genuine worry and desire to listen to his needs. again, really unsubtle; but fuck it, that's also part of what makes it powerful, because when was the last time magnus had that, that open caring and supporting and reaching out for him? i mean, obviously Magnus has his friends who are amazing and great to him, but this feeling, of being cared for, so easily, so openly, so obviously, from someone who barely knows him, hell, from a shadowhunter - this is new. both because he hasnt really allowed it - after all, you need to fall for someone to catch you - and because he just. hasnt had that. every time before, when he showed vulnerability, he had his wounds open wide and used against him - with asmodeus after his mom, with Camille after whatever happened that made him consider suicide. and then suddenly this guy shows up, and Magnus didnt even mean to be vulnerable in front of him, not really, he was supposed to hold it, but he does and what he finds is just- caring. worrying. sweetness. a grounding presence and touch. alec is completely focused on him, and isnt rushing him to get back on his feet or anything - hes just holding him and being there for him. he wasnt even looking for it, and suddenly there it is - that trust and reciprocity hed been craving for so long.

and yeah, its unsubtle, but that's also there in more subtle ways; magnus asks for his help, and alec comes without questioning, even if he's mad with pretty much everyone involved. he asks Alec to give him his strength, and he does, openly, without walls - dude, that is so intimate, and you can see how easily the magic flows between them; that's something that can only happen so smoothly if the required trust is given without a second thought. alec is giving his life force to this guy, whom he barely knows, and he doesnt hold back at all - Magnus needs it, he gives it. easy, simple. trusting. an open, clear connection. hes worried about Magnus from the start; he gets in and his first reaction is yelling for magnus and kneeling beside him to make sure hes okay. hes already kind of holding magnus even before magnus falls; he puts himself in a position where hes kind of supporting magnus' weight, and just focuses on giving magnus what he needs. up to this point no one even bothered to ask magnus what he needs. and look, Alec isnt perfect, and he definitely still has his prejudices and ignorance at this point, but this is something special. having someone just give it their all to make sure ur okay, from the get-go, trusting you like that- that's not everyday. specially not for magnus. I think maybe Magnus wouldnt even have lowered his guard enough to have that stumble if Alec hadnt been so easily showing him hes in there together with him, as equals, without so much as a second thought- magnus' persona is polished. hes been through worse without stumbling both before and after. his guard was already down, because Alec had been showing himself to be trustworthy from the start.

and after that, it just keeps going. alec helps him clean up his apartment, without being asked, long after everyone else has already gone - he listens to Magnus talk about his past, attentively, without judgement. he even shows some vulnerability of his own - that fucked-stupid smile when magnus raised his hand to his lips, the glances he throws magnus' way, the way he even manages to talk a bit about his insecurities and confusion; hes opening himself up to Magnus, too. hes smitten. hes interested. the connection is established. he stays the night, and they end up talking all night long, despite the fact that Alec was called to work, and we dont even know about what. we know they are similarly competitive and have a good chemistry, so clearly this was a good, fun talk; but theres something running way deeper in there, too. magnus is showing alec a lot of himself, and alec is not only welcoming it, but reciprocating it as best as he can. that moment of spark isnt gone; it keeps growing, the bond that was formed gets stronger. at this point, Magnus has fallen (i firmly believe that he fell in that exact moment he looked up at Alec) but it gains shape and strength during that night and talk; its a little frustrating because Alec cant face what he wants, but the pull is real and strong enough for it to get stronger, the shapes clearer.

so- yeah. Magnus fell for Alec in 1.06, the moment he realised that he was willing to have his back, to see him as he was and welcome it and treat it with care; and to give him back in return. Magnus fell for Alec when he realised that, somehow, he had already formed the beginnings of a bond with him - the kind that's solid, that means trust and care and effort while also being easy, fun, nice. alec fell for magnus when he looked at him and saw someone that was also struggling with showing who he was, but who wasnt scared; someone who was kind, and good, and willing to listen to him and try to help him and who valued him. and that is so. fucking. important.

[blookmallow]

I FINALLY GOT SKYRIM MARRIED

i have a BEAUTIFUL WIFE

...who i went through a lot of shit for. this is. a lot of exposition, bear with me :’) im very invested in my character’s personal story here

so astrid had a very important special job for me and sent me to markarth to speak with the client directly

it turned out to be the apothecary’s assistant, who i was passingly familiar with already, so i imagine it was a bit of a surprise to both of us, but she got right to the point - a man broke her heart and ruined her life, used her to hurt the people close to her, abandoned her to go become a bandit, now she wants him dead

u can probably imagine where this is going,

this is the first time ive had a dark brotherhood job i was legitimately PSYCHED to carry out, you BET ill go fuck this guy up for you id do this for free

however, she also had... another request, one that wasn’t required, but something she really, really wanted

see she was very close with/practically another daughter to the shatter-shields in windhelm, the wealthy family who recently lost a daughter to the windhelm butcher

alain had manipulated her and used her to get to the shatter-shields, i dont remember if he stole from them or what happened there, but whatever it was, the shatter-shields blamed muiri for this and disowned her, throwing her out onto the streets with nothing

so she was used and had her heart broken by a man she loved, then was told it was Her Fault, and lost her home and her friends/the closest thing to family she had all at once, and was so hurt and desperate she turned to the dark brotherhood to get revenge on them all

she wanted me to kill nilsine too, the shatter-shields’ other daughter

SO we have this really complicated situation where, on the one hand, she wants alain dead for using her and ruining her life and hurting her friends, and like, he’s a bandit leader now, so he’s someone i probably would’ve easily killed off anyway, by “this is a video game not real life”/skyrim standards that’s a no brainer, i have no moral conflict with that and can’t wait to slash this guy’s head off

but on the other hand she’s so broken she wants a woman who used to be her best friend/practically her sister dead too. i dont know what nilsine’s role in this was specifically but these people were essentially her family, and they victim blamed her when she needed their support the most and threw her out with nothing and nowhere to go

and i had already done quests with the shatter-shields before this, so like, i know them too, and they’re sort of friends to me, i helped solve the mystery of their other daughter’s murder and now I’m being asked to kill the other. not to mention everyone’s going to think the butcher’s back/there’s a copycat killer/something and it’s gonna cause a panic again (even if the game doesn’t acknowledge that/directly show that happening, y’know) 

killing someone’s daughter when they’re still in mourning over the first, when they’ve come to trust you, when you’re the one who helped them gain closure over that first death already, is just. a stone cold thing to do

especially looking at it from my character’s perspective, she’d be especially torn on this because she’s a mother herself, but her children are girls she rescued from the streets - lucia was thrown away by her family, sofie was a victim of tragedy and was let down by the people in authority who should have protected and helped her

so medea would relate to tova as a mother and a friend but also relate powerfully with muiri as a victim in this

ultimately i don’t think there’s any real justification to kill nilsine here, i dont think you can really morally defend that, but. i was so drawn to muiri and wanted so badly to give her a shot at a better life and help her heal from all this, and knew she would become a marriage option if i did it bc id seen her name on the marriage options list before, her story fits in so well with medea’s, and like, i dont imagine im gonna have a lot of options for wives who would Know about my connection to the dark brotherhood/the things ive done and be okay with it, so if i went with her, there wouldn’t be a “keeping this horrible secret from my wife” aspect to deal with even though the game probably doesn’t acknowledge it if you do (i mean im still. keeping it from my kids, but. y’know. when they’re older)

and “talk this out with her and help her see how badly her mind’s been warped by the pain she’s been through” isn’t an option given to you, so

in the end i went through with it. killing alain was easy, just like any other bandit camp raid, but to get at nilsine without being caught, i had to sneak into their house when the family was asleep

which i expected would involve a lot of careful sneaking and laborious lock picking

until i realized i could just walk right in

because the door was already unlocked for me. because they consider me a friend and allow me into their home

and that somehow made it so much worse

i killed nilsine with an arrow, nobody heard a thing, and i ran for it before anyone saw me in there or realized what had happened

muiri gave me a special ring as a “symbol of her affection” for doing this, which i think is about the biggest sign i coulda hoped for lmao

i held off on considering marriage for the time though and finally decided i had to go back to windhelm to see if there was anything i could do to make amends to the shatter-shields even though they shouldn’t know it was me/make sure i didnt get seen by a guard without realizing it or something (though it wouldn’t probably matter anyway, guards saw me leave the orphanage immediately after grelod’s death and shrugged that off, so,)

my name’s still clear in windhelm, but...

tova committed suicide after she discovered what happened

she couldn’t cope with losing another daughter

so now the father is the only one left, coping with. the death of his entire family occurring within like a couple months

i didnt see what happened here i came back later so i dont know if this is something you can possibly stop or if its possible to witness the moment they find nilsine or tova’s suicide or if this just Inevitably happens whenever you come back

i feel terrible about this but theres. not really any going back now,

so. i went back to muiri

i dont know if this is what everyone says or not but her response was just. “i mean, yeah, why wouldn’t I be” i love her lmao

i wouldnt choose to get married in riften if it was up to me but thats how it be in skyrim i guess

my babies are here!!!! what!!!!

and a. random guy i dont recognize lmao :’)

just wandered in to see what was going on i guess. or maybe we’re friends and i forgot who he is entirely which would be kind of sad :’ )

maybe it was my long lost father... slipped out before i ever had the chance to realize it

however i actually. ended up doing this scene twice because, fun fact, there’s a glitch where if you don’t manage to catch up to your spouse to talk about where to live before they leave the chapel they can just fucking Disappear sometimes, :’  ) i couldnt find her anywhere after the wedding and finally looked it up and apparently she just fell into the void so i had to reload and run it again. we’re double married now

planned better this time and dressed better but anyway that elf guy didn’t appear this time but some other guy did, who i ALSO cant quite identify, he looks. maybe. kind of like lucas valerian? who is actually a friend to me and was one of the first friends i made so it’d decently make sense for him to come to my wedding, but weird if he came and camilla didn’t, and im not even sure thats him anyway, so i dont know what happened here all around

muiri’s mentor lady came too though which was sweet

im spinning this kind of as... like, medea was so drawn to her and felt so strongly for her she couldn’t bring herself to disappoint her and this was an eye opener for them both as a kind of. “look what kind of people we’ve let ourselves become” and their marriage as a new beginning, love coming from a place of desperation and darkness, starting over and hoping that the divines will forgive what they’ve done

medea’s not leaving the brotherhood but i mmmmmight try to be a little more careful about who i kill

i had intended for her to come live with me in markarth, she’s in on my. assassin life so having kind of this Other Side to my life made sense but... she met my kids at the wedding i guess and she wanted to live with them... which is really cute,

it feels really weird having this huge fancy house all to myself (and uh. argis, i guess) in markarth and having my wife and kids (and lydia, and a fox) all squished into the honestly kinda run-down whiterun house though i think im gonna work on getting the solitude house for them bc its. safer there than in markarth i feel like and ive heard thats like the fanciest/biggest house

there she is..... my Wife

she also sells things now but i feel bad accepting it when she gives me “my share” of the profit like.... babe thats your money i have so much adventuring money and i didnt do shit to help earn that,

i buy things from her sometimes but i refuse to sell her stuff bc i dont want to take any more of her money :’ )

even tho it. doesnt really matter, its video games, i know, but

found lucia, the fox, and muiri all on the bed at once

lydia was just standing like this for a rly long time after muiri moved in i guess she was suspicious but chilled out eventually :’)

gettin along finally

i just realized if we move to solitude lydia’s gonna get left behind though :(

i mean ill still come visit her but. upsetting

my one issue is that muiri still keeps saying “thank you for solving my-....problem.” every time i come in speaking distance of her which is. weird given that its the same line she had before we were married, like, she apparently doesnt get any new things to say, and is Really repetitive (imagine living in a small space with your partner and they say the same sentence with the same intonation every time you step within like 2 feet of them. how long til that gets old, do you think, ) and also its just like??? girl let that go we gotta stop dwelling on this or the kids are gonna start questioning what apparently massively important problem mommy solved

idk why she was laying on the floor but anyway my kids have started calling her “mama” now too and im not crying or anything

[bloojayoolie]

Advice, Anaconda, and Ass: Time to get a mental health care plan and help What suburb are you in mate Is there any free house cleaning services? Cyou need help bud. Go to your GP and get a Due to my back and the stress I am going through my house has become so The NDIS were the ones and I need help badly. I over and over so l Im my money badly I can't pay someone to come out here and do it next week So I need options badly... and I mean badly cause Im tired of my house up cory that has been the case for you. You profile? You had no right need help. can try another agency to provide the services if your not happy. There must be a goveming body to report the agency passed away last year but it never happened and now because of me l've can get. Anyone who doesn't mind a very messy house and smell 50-755 on tuesday? It's not much but I'm very desperate i also did and agree with And Im so scared now. I will take any sort of helpI They do thatl Im a dew. Get her to email them See a doctor. Commit to it and you can get what you want. It one last time. And then the local member Thanks. . Also don't ask me to take pictures the house is too messy and I'm NDIS are the ones who "pay the Are you stl need help? If yes please pnm If the client doesnt have funds-they wont get cover from an 91 already offered he wont accept Im a cleaner and i have never heard of a free Iif you're legitimate, you would qualify for help through So sorry you are mentioned she passed away last year and you say that? Nah uck you t gets easier for you! I cant offer any assistance but I can however offer kindness and I hope this helps some. Best wishes urely you can spare mate, I think it might be a good start to call beyond blue or a crisis hotline just to talk to someone. From the looks this is about more than a messy house. There are people around who care but you won't find them on Facebook. Best wishes. Take care where are you my own. Like I said above I was supposed to have had help with living on my own and it never happened so yeah m screwed and have no clue what to do. Website: https:ww.lifeline.org.au you if you tell me where you are i ahve to work next 2 days i could give you now after to be an asS 2h swear l see you every week asking for free stuff if you are as bad as you claim you would be getting dsp which is 900 a rude gestures best of luck i bried I hope s tuck me this must be a joke surely you find a nice big rope and put your neck into it and do the f you are injured you can go to your doctor and ask the right steps to take to receive help like you are asking for You will need a letter from your doctor to provide to centrelink with details of your injury and if they il have their own doctor look intoit as well If they think your injury is stopping your or much pain then they will put a plan into affect something like maybe an hours clean once a week or maybe 2 1/2 hour's once a fortnight wow this got nasty to0 being reported. That is NOT the way to get help and there are people who actually DO this everyday. It is NOT ok to tel someone to do that and I seriously hope you find some help Contact your local council and speak to your Doctor to Hif stil need some help depending orn Wow how rude are some of you.. and I'm sorry about for you Until that comment Too many video games and they can It's time to get yourself to a docior so you can get some therapy and a once off house painting wouldnt go astray either Let me know who would like to help. True I have seen this guy before asking or ou must be his friend your life out Get a job. Fix yourselfI laziness as an excuse not to get things done. Why should we clean your house for tree. wHat you SAID to him was WAY BEYOND what he said to you Jake. That is NOT ok, and NO it is NOT ok to say that no mater what he said to you. Do unto others what you want done to you, would you want someone teling you to do that? I think not. You need to have a cool down and THINK before you type anymore Either way i am reporting Admin So not necessary you may be eligible for help in the home, check wit be paid. Even for them to clean tour whole house is likely to be under $100. Sounds like you need help though .there are general services you can call like Lifeline or Sane who can tell you where to go next for help untl he commented. I had no issues until what he said d forbid people have disabilities jesus tucking christ hope none of you get injuries and need to rely on others e was told to call his mummy 2h and advice. It doesn t take much to be kind. Yes he is asking a lot and no I wouldn't do it. But he clearly needs help not taken the piss all have problems. God helps those who him don't worry about it. Probably gets off on comments liie ou up for a someday you suter the Borry to hear..call the council and see if they because they very well MAY DO IT and YOUR ass will be on s you that much just ignore it ine it against the LAW to tel someone to go off Also if you don t have basic living skills you may want avent you got any friends to help and you need a better attitude Try joining& posting in this group. They trade items for house as he sounds very aggressive and unstable leave it to eed the better attitude when he just told didnt insult my dead mother and I won't say nothing how does tha sound? ril let him run his mouth about her He can even take u can get help if u genuinely need it it sounds lke from what u said u havent had much luck with ndis in the past My son has a disability and has had success with ndis but we had reports from psychologists and many her if that's how you like it plan and get some reports. Once u have those reports turn up to then ndis office with the reports and ask nicely if they can please is that all you took from tnis post? Not that there is an exdtremely unwell person begging to have l also see a with very away, youre just a troll Unless of course, you're planning nasty responses of hoping they commit suicide that is online bullying and 100% not ok I understand u t not n a good place right now but please don't attack others and take the help that is offlered and use told that by an ex that hit a nerve. That comment was not There are ways to tell people to stop than telling them to kill themselvesThere are A LOT o people who feel for you and want to help you. You need to You were looking for free food last week No ones matter what they said. He should not have said what he did I agree but what YOU SAID was worse someone besides people who your getting cut at on a Facebook buy swap and sell page. You start abusing people when you dont get what you want its no wonder youre being called out njesus take the help mate rf you still have the cats then 100% you need the helpm is no worse than the other

[leaughrilke]

Superbabies: I wanna know about arguments in their household! What happens when Kara and Lena fight? What about if the kids fight with the parents? What about between the kids?

oh ho ho okay (i am quite literally rubbing my hands together bc ARGUMENTS R MY SHIT)

so like??  kara and lena dont ever rlly Fight, u know??  no big blow outs, particularly after the kids come along like they bicker sometimes and have deeper arguments but there’s no big blow up bc that’s not healthy and they know it, recognize it.  the few times they’ve had a Big Fight were p early in their relationship when lena was still sort of self-sabotaging and kara was sort of doing the same tbh but then they developed the ever helpful tool of ~healthy communication~ so when they argue, it’s usually p tame

that said, they DO fight sometimes and they dont like......go out of their way to hide it??  bc like its a reality of relationships, you argue sometimes, and they want their kids to see that it happens and that you still love each other at the end of them and they want them to see how to deal with relationship issues healthily??  that’s a big thing for lena tbh, bc she had to learn it all when she was an adult, never had any reference point for what a healthy long term relationship was supposed to look like until kara, rlly, so she rlly wants their kids to know what a solid, healthy, happy relationship looks like

so it usually goes down like this: whatever small disagreements they’ve been having (usually over the same subject or maybe a series of related topics) will kind of build up and then sometimes its kara that starts it by rolling her eyes when lena starts in on it or sometimes its lena snapping at kara but eventually it Starts and it will last for days at a time sometimes bc they both think they’re right or if they know they’re wrong, they’re not willing to admit it Right Then but anyway it will last for a while (their record is three weeks, it happened right after they found out lena was pregnant with finn, it was A Mess), but like??  they still love each other??  kara still makes lena’s coffee in the mornings and lena still picks up a pint of kara’s favorite ice cream bc she saw they were out the other day and like??  tbh thats what the kids take away from it most

but yeah, so they argue in front of the kids sometimes but they never let it get ugly, always know when to say we need to step away from this and come back later, so they will and they’ll cool off and they’ll resolve whatever it is they’re dealing with

and it’s mostly just background noise for the kiddos??  like they barely notice it bc their moms dont rlly act any different when they’re in the middle of a fight, like yeah maybe they’re not as gross as usually, maybe the kiddos dont walk in on their moms making out in the kitchen, but thats like??  it??

one of maia’s friend’s parents fight a lot, like loud screaming matches, and one time maia’s staying over when they get into it and she’s so shocked?? ?  like holy shit why are they yelling at each other

uh they’re fighting??  you said your moms fight sometimes

um yeah sort of

she goes home the next day and just hugs her moms like holy shit she never realized how good she and finn and stella have it, like she can’t imagine living with screaming matches every other day

catch the rest of this under the cut bc i just realized its super long, sorry @ mobile users

NOW WHEN THE KIDDOS FIGHT WITH THEIR MOMS??  strap in friend

so each kid has their own style of arguing with their moms??  and it varies between kara and lena too like maia fights with kara one way but lena another ANYWAY

so finn isnt v loud when he’s upset??  he rlly isnt and he shies away from the term fighting even, prefers disagreement instead, so like when (on v v few occasions) he gets into an argument with his moms, its always p quiet??  and usually resolved by the end of the day tbh like he’s one of those ppl that Cannot go to bed with shit left unresolved, he has a thing abt starting every day with a clean slate (this occasionally means some long nights)

like the biggest things he ever argues with kara abt are like his willingness to cover up whatever maia’s gotten up to and the fact that he is complicit in a lot of kind of shady stuff his sisters get up to when they kind of become vigilantes and he’s had a total of maybe two arguments with lena and both of them were during and about his one rebellious phase where he broke curfew a few times and gave his moms some scares by letting his phone die bc he was feeling ~reckless~

his arguments with kara tend to last p long??  like days/weeks sometimes bc they are rlly a lot alike but in different ways??  like finn has a slightly narrowed moral compass i guess, where he can excuse what his sisters do bc theyre his sisters and they’re doing whatever it is for good reason but kara’s like??  no it’s still dangerous and not well planned and also illegal but neither of them ever yell (quite honestly kara and lena have like never yelled at their kiddos except when they’re in imminent danger??) but they dont rlly raise their voices so there’s just a lot of stony silence until someone (usually stella) sort of shoves finn’s shoulder and says you dont have to defend us, what we did was fucked up or approaches kara and is like hey, dont be angry with him

and then when he goes to apologize or she comes to him they both end up crying.  listen, they’re a soft ass family ok tears happen A Lot

the two times finn has argued with lena were both v short, happened v late at night bc she stayed up until he came home and both included the phrase (from finn) i get to be a kid too, you know and both times that final phrase made lena stop dead and just.  give up??  like god, he’s right, he’s taken on a lot of responsibility in their family, so lena just sort of gathers him up and hugs him rlly tight and is like we’ll talk about extending your curfew but please don’t ever scare your mother and i like that ever again and finn is like ???  ok???  

for sure figured he was getting grounded for weeks but instead he ended up with an extended curfew and like........one weekend of being grounded 

MAIA OH MY GOD maia fights with kara a lot when she’s older, bc she has like??  a v different moral code i guess like do no harm but take no shit kind of goes out the window, like maia’s taken this stance that the second u threaten her ppl, she’s well within her rights to beat your ass and she with lena she argues a lot during this one earlier period in her life where she gets into some bad situations and lena’s like ???  sweetheart what are you doing and maia’s sort of like GOD I CAN MAKE MY OWN CHOICES IM MATURE and lena’s trying v hard not to let it turn into a fight but, well, maia is trying v hard to turn it into a fight

so like her arguing with kara tends to happen more as maia’s an adult tbh and it sometimes escalates to full yelling bc at a certain point she becomes kara’s colleague at the deo and when she does stupid shit, she’s endangering a lot of ppl, including her siblings and her moms and herself 

meanwhile she fights with lena a lot as a teenager over stupid shit rlly like it’s not always abt deep shit but when it is it gets rlly uncomfortable bc lena hates arguing with her kids, she does, and maia’s not like finn, won’t ever get to the heart of why she’s angry at lena so it’s just??  it’s messy and bad and lena makes sure that maia’s left the house before she starts crying and maia makes sure she’s well out of the city before she starts crying and finn and stella and kara usually run damage control for them bc otherwise they’d be in this holding pattern of just sort of being like we’re okay.......for NOW and then having more and more arguments bc they never get to the heart of the matter and yeah, maia feels rlly guilty when she’s older abt how she treated lena as a teenager

and there have been times where she fights with both her moms at the same time, like there’s this period in her life (like around her sophomore/junior year of high school??) where she gets into a p bad situation that she refuses to let her moms know abt so they only see her cutting class and her grades falling and her like yelling at her siblings so they sit her down abt it and it results in several Big Arguments that end p badly and damage everyone’s trust for a little while bc now kara and lena are like??  holy shit what is she into???  and maia feels like her moms dont ~understand~ even though they legitimately would if she would just tell them whats going on and she feels like she can’t tell them so it’s a Mess for a while

stella refuses to argue with her moms.  she just Wont do it.  she rlly kind of refuses to fight with anyone she cares abt bc she can feel what they feel and that fucks with how she feels and idk it’s weird, sometimes other ppls emotions influence her or sometimes her emotions influence others.  bc of that, she tries to avoid it if she can but obviously it happens sometimes

this is her MO; she never lets it turn into a real argument, she’ll just like.....walk into room with whichever mom she’s irritated with or both if that’s the situation and just be v blunt like im angry that you wouldnt let me go out with ari last night and then she retreats before they can say anything else.  then, probably a couple hours later, she comes back and says another thing like it wasn’t fair because you let finn do the same thing and i feel like you treat me differently than him or maia and then retreats.  and then FINALLY  she’s kind of gotten a hold on her own emotions and feels like she’ll actually be able to speak with her moms without losing control and then its not even an argument so much as a debate rlly

like the weird stop start pattern is how she has to go about it so she knows that no one’s emotions are influencing anyone else’s???  like that way she knows she’s not making kara or lena angrier and she knows that they’re not making her any angrier, that whatever they bring to the table is their own

her moms thinks its rlly cute and also theyre rlly sad that she has to like.....live like this??  like she’s so terrified of ever taking away someone’s free will that she’ll just drag out a highly uncomfortable experience (stella Hates confrontation and, if given the opportunity, would probably just get it all done and over with in one go but sadly that is not an option for her) just to make sure she’s not doing anything wrong irt other ppl

she tends to argue with kara more??  bc thats who, in general, does actually treat her a bit differently bc she’s the one that’s like painfully aware that stella’s not kryptonian.  like and that’s not a problem obviously!!  kara loves her just the same as she loves finn and maia but it’s just scary for kara bc there’s a certain level of comfort in knowing finn and maia are stronger and faster and virtually invulnerable, and it’s terrifying that her youngest, tiniest child isnt.  like even just physically??  stella is so much smaller than her siblings and that’s just like a visual representation of their differences and its scares kara so so much every time stella walks out the door.  so she’s the one that generally is like hey maybe wear flats, you dont want to break your ankle or you cant go out in this weather, you’ll catch your death and stella’s like ???  you dont treat maia and finn like theyre babies and she gets rlly angry abt stuff like that bc she knows she’s different??  but she doesnt like getting reminded 

her arguments with lena arent even arguments like they rlly are essentially debates over rlly small insignificant stuff, like it rarely gets heated, feelings are never hurt.  that said, she’s had like one Major argument with lena and thats like when stella starts doing her own vigilante shit, like learns jiu jitsu and krav maga and gets maia’s best friend beth (a tech genius interning at l-corp) to help her with the gadgetry and lena’s the first to find out and she’s like No, no you’re not doing this, this isn’t safe and stella’s like technically i am an adult so yeah i am doing this and its more a battle of wills??  like there’s no out and out confrontation but it’s a weird few months until there is

NOW WHEN THE KIDDOS FIGHT

they rlly dont fight that much but usually its between finn and maia, with stella and their moms playing peace maker/referee.  like.....thats their dynamic, their built in system.  finn and maia’s inherent morality go against each other like at nearly every turn bc finn is such a pacifist and maia rlly rlly isnt, like even from when they were little that was like the main source of conflict for them

like finn always feels like he needs to go along with whatever maia’s up to just to minimize damage??  keep collateral damage low, u know??  and maia’s fine with that, likes having her brother with her as back up, likes not feeling so alone in her rage, but he’s kind of useless help, always standing behind her and telling her to leave it, walk away, it’s not worth it but like it fucking is??  to her???  

they do get into screaming matches sometimes.  like......they’ll fly up out of sight of the city and just rip into each other and whenever they come back home, they just will not look at each other for a while.  and stella’s left adrift bc they’re some of her favorite ppl and holy shit, what if this is the fight that rlly breaks them all apart??  so she runs between them, trying for damage control, but she’s not v good at it bc she’s way too invested, soaks up all their emotions like a sponge and comes away from it worse for wear

and like kara and lena are always on top of the situation, u know??  like they may not always know what their kiddos are fighting abt bc their arguments tend to wander to different things so what they may hear abt may not be what started it, but they always know when they’re fighting and usually they’ll each take on one of them to talk to, exchange notes, make a plan, help them figure out a compromise

and best yet, they know when sometimes they just need to step back and let them work it out for themselves???  like they know when to back away and when to pull stella away bc, bless her, she’s still desperately trying to fix everything bc its wildly uncomfortable for her whenever there’s tension in the house, so sometimes the best thing is just to distract her with other stuff and let finn and maia work whatever it is out between themselves (and they always do like, at the end of the day, they love each other a lot and rlly arent ever abt to let anything come between them)

on the occasions that stella’s ever fighting with someone, it’s usually maia and its usually that theyre both kind of jealous of the other??  like maia is everything stella wishes she was, all tall and gorgeous and smart and kryptonian but stella isnt angry all the time, doesnt have this rage eating away at her, can live her life without wanting to put holes in walls every day and so they get jealous of the other and the get irritated and they get fucking angry and maia’s so angry, stella can’t help but absorb some of that, even if she’s being careful

they mostly fight during high school??  like thats when its just the two of them in the house, after finn’s off at college, that’s when there’s no buffer between them and that’s when stella so desperately wants to be like her big sister, that’s when maia doesnt want to have to take over for finn as stella’s protector, wants to live her own life for once goddammit

and like???  it’s kind of out of nowhere.  like kara and lena dont see it coming but one day kara hears maia screaming and is like fuck and flies home and is like ????  when its just her and stella, red faced and breathing hard and stella looks like she’s on the verge of tears and maia looks as if she wants nothing more than to just leave and she tries to play peace maker but it only seems to make it worse bc both girls feel like she’s taking the other’s side and they both storm off and kara’s still just sort of ??????  what the actual fuck ???

they dont fight often, but they do actually play dirty bc they both know where to poke and prod and press to hurt the most and they rlly dont ever Truly work through it until they’re like full grown adults, like stella’s in college and maia’s grown and living in opal city and stella calls her when she’s like real fucking wasted and is like hoooooly shit we’re fucked up maia, we’re real shitty to each other??  but we shouldnt be because i love you, i love you so much and i miss you and did you know jungle juice is really strong???  its so strong maia.  maia did i tell you i love you because i do a lot

maia’s sort of freaked out by the confession/apology and she’s freaked out by the way stella’s slurring her words and she almost just calls kara to go get her but this is her baby sister and she called her??  she called maia, not finn, not kara, not lena, she called maia, so maia grabs a comfy sweater and hauls ass to stella’s university and just bundles her baby sister up and gives her a lot of water to drink and stays with her that night and helps her with her hangover the next day and stella’s sort of shocked she came (stella also doesnt rlly remember her phone call but u know, semantics) but then maia hangs around until stella’s like a little less hungover and she makes them dinner and is like so, we should talk and then they do !!  and they actually finally are truthful with one another, finally say what they mean and its rlly good and stella’s so so happy bc she has her big sister back and maia’s over the fucking moon like she missed stella so much, remembers when they were little and she would braid stella’s hair and show her how to balance on a skateboard 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so hes essentially stopped having sex with me. physical affection is like.. few and far between. and i guess, thanks? i guess? like step up from my oshawa ex for sure - he fucked me until i left. so like, thanks? thanks for not just using me? 

i tried to be more understanding like maybe this is just how he feels right now but these little things managed to add up and with his refusal for sex ... i mean, he’s not “refusing”. i dont really come on to him. the last time we did have sex it was pretty bad. like bad enough both of us admitted it was pretty bad. i thought maybe that had something to do with it.

but he started nitpicking and being rude about it. like leaving my shoes at the door - which he does everyday all day; but it’s not my house and i should be a perfect guest always and if i’m not, it’s disrespectful. he suggested that i gain weight - jokingly mind you, but not really. finally he told me to “put money aside” to pay for myself at meals with friends because it made him uncomfortable. then suggested that “instead of not going at all” i run a tab with him and keep track of everything he buys me. 

i told him no thanks. i dont want a walking credit card. i never wanted that. that doesnt make my life any better at all. its more uncomfortable for me that the guy whos dick i suck makes me pay for all my meals. and i get it - he doesnt need to cover all of them. but holy fuck what kind of relationship is it that you cant even go out because your partner wont pay for your meal? your partner ho makes more money ad has more disposable income than a majority of our peers. 

i just thought it was really careless to make a suggestion like this when i cannot afford to eat out. period. thats not a luxury i can have right now and u know what? THATS OKAY. holy fuck, of all the luxuries i dont need and am not going to die from; it’s that. i kept thinking it was like a keeping up th the joneses kind of thing. like i’m paying to go out to eat food not to eat food but to prove i can afford to go out and eat food to a group of people. i PREFER to live frugually. even hen i have OTHER PEOPLES MONEY i try to save and be frugal for them because i feel disgusted hen a large amount of money is wasted. ive had dozens of opportunities to spend his money hoever i wanted and continually chose the cheapest option. only recently did i start choosing take out options OVER 10$. like i was literally choosing anything under 10$ so i wouldnt be a burden while his meal ould be 20 -25$. 

he tried to be friendly afterwards but i felt like it was a final straw. its never a discussion. its just hurling insults at me and completely disregarding the reason why i have suh little money. my entire being is dedicated to not being brought down by him ad people like him in the interim of hopefully making my life better. like if i cant get through this then i dont even have a hope of it being better and apparantly “this” is being shit on over and over and over again. i just.. i dont care anymore. he was really just annoying me at this point. im tired of being made to feel super poor. like no one else does this to me. i do manage to take care of myself a good portion of the time and most know where my money goes. im tired of having to give myself a pep talk to feel better about myself because hes made me question my value and worth. 

last night i slept crammed against the wall. literally. and hes come to a point he feels this is appropriate because sleeping together is such a hassle for him and it just reminded me of my abusive ex. but then he decided to jack off beside me first thing in the mornig and i was done. like i guess im very hard headed but hey - i get it now. i’m nothing to you. i dont deserve anything. i dont deserve to wake up peacefully, a good morning - nothing. all i deserve is to ake up to some disgusting man jacking off beside me. i got dressed, gathered my stuff and left. i said nothing to anyone, i just left. cuz hat the fuck is the point? i felt like a little “guilty” that this would create anxiety for him but who the fuck even cares? i dot even want to have a conversation with him because i dont have conversations ith him i just listen to him. there is no back and forth, no discovery or discussion. its just me listening to him. so why fucking bother. he knows i wouldnt leave unless i was upset so the “point” is made but i have no point. i’m just done, i think? i think you know youre the most done when words are not useful anymore ad like there is nothing i want to discuss. i dont even ant to tell him what a shitty person hes been. all it leads to is guilt and pity and sticking around because he thinks hes supposed to. i want to be with someone who wants to be with me. but like that never happens. no oe ever wants to be with me. they want to be ith some other perso but i’m good enough. and it sounds very woe is me but this is the truth. ad i am an attractive nice person. i am very caring and loving and loyal. i am a great girlfriend. but no one ever wants to actually be with me. theyve always wanted someone else, someone else is always actually “the one” ad theyve either gotten away or they never got a chance and now they’re just stuck with _me_. my first “love” was already in love ith someone else but it as never going to happen (and hen he thought it as going to it didnt and he still came back to me and that is not even a bonus thats just proving my point). my second, still enamored with his ex he never fully proved cheated on him but he thought she did (but u know maybe she didnt). and all the men in between - they wanted someone else. they predictably ended up with a few of the someone elses. and right now is just repeating this scenario. 

and you know, i come across these dudes and they tell ME they love ME. i would never dare utter such words to these people and give myself like that unless it was very important for me to do. like if i as a year into it and no one said shit and i felt strongly about it, then maybe i would but i dont even offer this to close friends. love is the most serious. 

but they tell me they love me. and all i want is love. i dont even want necessarily to BE LOVED but i would like love to exist in my life in a very pure and geuie ay that ive witnessed with others. its not like i need love and attention from all these people. i dont need love to be validated as a person. i can be without love temporarily and move forward in life. i have less sources of love than many people ad im not actively seekig it from dozens of people. but if someone asks me what do you want? perhaps i want money and security. this ould be high on the list. but i think most of all i want love. i want to experience love. my parents did not love me. or maybe my father did but i dot think he was wholy capable of giving pure love. these are perhaps the people who should be my pillars ad theyre not ad everyoe else got to experience love - not eve sexual love. its not eve sexual. its not romantic. everyone aroud me has bee able to experience pure true love of some form and i feel like i have not. like theres nevere been a single stable source of love for any length of time in my life.

and society is tryig to fill this void with medication and money and everything else but actual love an like i guess its hard not to believe that im undeserving or incapable of feeling love or receiving love. and i think this is like a top 5 survival need. like food, water, shelter, love. maybe this is the intricate part of the human experience and we so easily cover food and water and shelter now for many people but you canot cover love. you cannot package it into a goverment subsidy and yet so may people suffering have lacked love. and this pushes them to drugs and alcohol and they suffer from depression and obesity and they eat themselves to diabetes and they let their feet rot off their legs because no matter how hard they worked, no matter all the good deeds they did; they never fully received their dues in love. they suffered ad struggled alone an family ad frieds and relatioships left them but hey - they made some money. and thank god they didt just “live on welfare”. but its like - if someone did not have food or water or shelter, you ouldnt immediately offer them a job to solve the problem. there is a immediate need that has to be filled before they can help themselves. you have to give them food so they can work. if no one cares, why the fuck should they? like you’re noteve a person you’re just “the homeless” now. and like everythng of your life is referred to as “the homeless” life now. 

im surrounded by people who have been given a lot of love in their life. even though theyve become blinded to their priviledges, theyve been given so much love. they are spoiled. they cant eve see the love thats being given. i argued with a mutual fried about another; she said it was rude to say this fried ould always be there heever she needed it and not show up. i told her isnt it enough to know in your soul this person wants that so badly for you but real life dictates differetly? like the love is there. the intention is there but real life doest allow it. she couldnt see the love. 

and i guess maybe some of these people are so spoiled that they dot understad the importance of something that is like breathing air to them. they probably believe i can get love elsewhere, just like they do. they are rich in love. but its the same thing - if someone tells me they love me, i actually believe they love me. well, i want to believe. 

i also believe this problem is “easily” solved for women by having children. children are a constant source of love and hen they turn out not to be, it’s ground shaking. mothers dont kno how to go on. but i believe, even in solid relationships, that children come from a desire to give and receive love that is not currently in their life. maybe i dont understand a maternal instinct. perhaps maternal instinct is this. maybe its kicked in and im too logical to understand that its not that “easy”. neither are relationships, and at least your kids legally arent allowed to abandon you. but i think this is why, especially with young mothers, theyre inclined (if single) to sort of “lose focus” on their children when a new man enters. suddenly, especially ina “honey moon phase”, theyre receiving a ton of love. more love and attention than their children, of any age, can probably give them. 

i have little expectations with love. i mean, i assume if you “love me” you wont be cruel or malicious. like, you wont try to harm me. thats what i expect. i dont even expect NOT to be harmed. i may be harmed. thats involved in love. you cant feel such strong things for someone and not be harmed somewhere down the line. it could be big or small; someone will eventually feel bad but then it’ll probably be okay again. however someone gives love, i try to receive it as is without shaping it to what i believe is right. love is abstract; you accept it as is but we all want to read into it and find the deeper meaning and stories and little things involved but in the end its just a very abstract concept hich encompasses a wide range of emotions and psychological things. you cant really say, “if you loved me you would do this or this”. its like you are the artist and love is your paint and the world is a canvas. you cant tell picasso how to paint. that only fits your mold. we liked picasso because of how he expressed it, how he painted it - not how you shaped his painting to your liking. 

and like youre allowed to not like someones painting - someones expression of love. and some people, they suck. like they just outright suck ass they need to go back to basics and start over before they unleash anymore of their “artistry”. and some people are offensive. some people create offensive things and this thing might hurt people or make people uncomfortable. most people ask to have their “art” - their “expression of love” taken seriously. however good or bad it is, it’s theirs and this is how they see it. but its like, i dont have to buy a jackson pollock and hang it on my wall because i respect his expression. i dont have to have sex with a woman because i respect homosexuality. so you can accept, respect and walk away from someones expression. it doesnt have to be for you. you can even have the freedom to speak about your feelings of this expression for yourself but you cant dictate how someone else should feel. 

i guess my situation is many of these men bought a picasso - or tried to, and for whatever reason, it’s not aroud anymore so they’ll accept a pollock in its place because i mean, he’s still “pretty good”. 

but you know - at the same time, it’s okay. this isnt a unique situation. this is very much part of the human experience. everyone at some point will feel this way to some degree. i just happen to feel it really strongly right now because of my circumstances in life. its like taking shrooms and one perso is cool ad another trips badly; theyre just not in the right place in the right way to experience this thing of life.  thats me right now. i wasnt prepared for this trip ad its pretty never ending. its like a really long road trip in fear ad loathing but its like 10 years of sitting ith johny depp and youve foud out he beats his ife and is a severe alcoholic and its just... overwhelming. 

so i dont know. i need to really accept and take this knowledge seriously. im proud that i just left because ive stayed too many times. i thought about it an had my guilt and ould stay for my shitty ride home and get my “daily kiss” and its just like.. i no longer hate myself this much. i can do better than this scenario. its not even a personal insult to him - his personality is cool. as a human, great. but the scenario we have created - WE, okay. not him. this is a joint effort where i allowed someone to treat me like this with full knowledge that it was bullshit. no one held me hostage and it wast like i just became a personal slave to him. but its like, i even explained it with drugs. once you allow yourself to normalize gross things, its not hard to become a junkie. like if you decide smoking crack or injecting drugs is the worst shit but suddenly you’ll smoke meth and you’ll inject a “safe” drug like k but “not heroin”. this is the “gateway effect”. so we normalized this really shitty behavior ad made it easy for him to fall into habits of doing things others would (and have) walked away from. 

you know, i hate that he makes future plans and none of them involve me. ever. but he tells me he loves me. and its like, i dont even have anxiety about whether or not ill see him today. i kind of hope i dont. i think itll be easy to assume im upset he “wont buy me food anymore”. but i really just.. we are on two different planets. equally confused by each others wants and needs. i dont eve want a conversation because if someone doesnt have the desire to be affectionate with me why bother asking. 

[survivorindia]

Creepy random asshole who appears randomly at the beginning and then disappears. - Kendall (Episode 12)

https://youtu.be/cN6UaKTHxUA Ok heres what I want everyone to know. IM THE MOST PARANOID PERSON IN THE FUCKING WORLD. AND I CAN READ PEOPLE VERY WELL. AND I THINK I HAVE GONE MENTALLY INSANE BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL FUCKING AMAZING! If yall think that I am going to go home 9TH! place! NINTH FUCKING PLACE by the hands of the seasons biggest buffoons than yall dont know me very well HUH. Lexi g, kendall and I made an alliance chat today and it sat so good with me. I was like omg yas we finally have someone (Kendall and I) We finally do! ... Then I got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach and it was just something that did not sit right. I couldnt put my finger on it. I knew robin and alexis were voting me tn, and people have been after me hard core...since...well...before merge and the fact that Im sitting here in single digits is fucking surreal. Im probably going home soon.....SO WOULDNT IT MAKE SENSE FOR SOME ONE TO FLIP!? WOULDNT IT? I MEAN. IF I WAS IN ANYONE ELSES SHOES. I would make sure as FUCK to get me out. This is not cocky but like....im still here after how many fucking attempts? Which is why I think ash and lexi g are voting me out..OR GOING AGAINST me so thats both lexis, robin and ashley But lets look at the facts of why I think theyre going against me No one talks to me all day, except for alex and kendall. Interesting. Lexi G, plays lost puppy like no one cared about her in her alliance. Interesting. Ashley is being short with me. HM. Go on call with Lexi G, feel like abosoLUTE SHIT AND I KNOW SHES LYING TO ME, Lexi mentions ashley on call but backtracks and im like..........................oh my fucking god. !!! THEN HERE COMES THE STORM: I tell kendall ashley is voting me out, they make a chat, i tell kendall to add lexi g, this is secretly a test to see if my suspicions are true AND 5 MINS AFTER THE CHAT IS MADE ASHLEY ASKS ME WHY I THINK IM VOTING HER OUT LOLOLOLOLOLOLO FUCK OFF\ [6:17:53 PM] Sarah: ashley [6:17:57 PM] Sarah: can u just be honest [6:17:58 PM] Sarah: with me [6:17:59 PM] Sarah: like [6:18:01 PM] Sarah: legit [6:18:04 PM] Sarah: idc that ur voting me [6:18:07 PM] Sarah: but like [6:18:12 PM] Ashley Hudson: I am not voting you. [6:18:13 PM] Sarah: ive been NOTHING but straight up [6:18:17 PM] Sarah: like IT WOULD MAKE SENSE [6:18:25 PM] Sarah: I would do it if I were u [6:18:31 PM] Ashley Hudson: it wouldn't make sense I THINK IVE GONE INSANE BUT LIKE I HAVE A GUT FEELING I JUSY KNOW AND I HOPE ITS RIGHT OTHERWISE ASHLEYS GONNA HATE MEEEEE Ashley: you have been like my #1 this whole time why would I throw that away me thinking: YOU LITERALLY GOT "WHO DO U FORGET IS STILL PLAYING THIS GAME" IN TOUCHY SUBJECTS OF FUCKING COURSE YOU WANT TO MAKE A BIG MOVE IDC IF I GO HOME BY ROCKS IDFC BUT LIKE WHY DO THESE BITCHES THINL IM FUCKIJG STUPID IVE BEEN SAYING THIS ALL GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 NOW FOR THE HOME LANDING: Ashley: you have been like my #1 this whole time why would I throw that away you are the one that is aligned with Kendall, and I guess want Lexi G in on that? that's cool. #CONFIRMED LEXI G AND ASHLEY FLIPPED CONFIRMED AHDHDOIFHJSDOI;FKJSDF WHY WOULD ASHLEY KNOW ABOUT THAT OTHER THAN LEXI G FUCK OFF WERE GOING TO ROCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKS! SEE U ON THE OTHERSIDE BITCHES

The detailed account of my evil plan of which I shown to the Samantha that I had purchased-

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FC9bUbYixYpVNdOA6LwrnUhXryI4Bo3tnWLVqB4RgMY/edit

You know, I think I finally get it. I think I finally understand Sarah, Jordan, and even Gavin. Allow me to elaborate. Unless you have been drunk for this entire season, it is well known fact that we were surrounded by Pathological Liars. I'm not saying that to be a judgmental asshat, I came to this conclusion via unbiased observation. Jaiden.... Dom.... Ruben.... What do all these people have in common? If you said they had a dick, yes but that's not the point I'm trying to make. At one point or another someone on my side tried to reach out to them and be all like "Hey let's work together because no one would suspect it," Jaiden/Dom/Ruben would agree and not even five minutes after they make the vow, they would go out of their way to get those three out. Whether they expose them, give them false information, or just talk shit; these guys would always take advantage of the trust they were given and go out of their way to make a messy as fuck tribal. And after everything has gone to shit what do they do? They come crawling back like their battered wives and be like "Hey let's work together". And the same shit keeps happening over and over again. Until they get voted out. I almost fell into that cycle in the case of Robin but luckily my personality, which is one of a vengeful emotionally stunted woman child, prevented it from happening after she revealed me to Gavin. But I think I'm about to fall into it again... though this time with Lexi L. Lexi L. is a fascinating individual, without Gavin around, she appears to be a more rational and calculating kind of player. Given the right tools, I think she could make some sort of impact on the game. Plus her sense of humor is amazing! I really really want to keep her around and not just because I have a death wish or because I am bored. I think she could be a useful tool for my quest for world domination.... well game domination... If I learned anything from ORGs, this one in particular, it's that the truth doesn't really matter. Everyone has already crafted their own stories in their head, one's where they are the super heroes or the super villains, maybe even the damsel in distress. Even if the truth is shown right in their face, people refuse to accept it, instead finding refuge in their earlier perceptions. I think that's why the whole edgic thing is so popular, it falls in line with this kind of thinking. The story I want to "create" is an underdog story. One where the villain is Lexi L and the reluctant hero is myself. Lexi L takes out everyone I am aligned with, everyone who is considered a threat, and then at the final 4 or maybe the final 5, I behead the dragon. I promise I am not doing this to fuel my own ego nor do I have any real delusions of grandeur. I know and accept the fact that I'm not some messiah archetype, hell I'm not even the satan archetype. I'm more like the creepy random asshole who appears randomly at the beginning and then just sort of disappears. The thing is, they don't know that. All I need to do is to make them think the opposite of that fact. Plus if I do that Sarah, Alex and Gavin won't hate me forever! Which would be great because I like all of them very much and don't think I'll be able to handle their hatred. Now that I think about it, they'll probably hate forever after reading this..... Why am I putting this down in the confessionals again? Oh right because I went this entire season without gloating about some evil plan and it's starting to feel very weird. I think I want to work with Lexi L to make this happen. I want us to craft a story in which the hero and villain fight to the death... but I'm probably going to leave that part out if I ever pitch it to her. On paper this sounds like a good idea but only if you didn't read my first couple paragraphs... I have no sure way to control her. What I am I supposed to do rely on her benevolence and friendship? That is a terrible incentive for loyalty, I mean look at right now, I am literally plotting to destroy my own alliance. And the only thing that is supposed to stop me is the power of 'friendship' or 'showmance' or whatever... Clearly this isn't working! All it's doing is making me feel mildly guilty and paranoid. Another thing that's stopping me is the past. If one goes through my previous confessionals from previous games, you'll see they all have one thing in common. Well two things if you count the idol fucking... Every time I tried to flip or make a #bigmood, bad things follow. Don't believe me? Malaysia: Tried to help Mitchell, got voted out by everyone and their mothers. Rebels versus Rogues: Tried to help out Simon, got idol out. Technotits: Tried to help out little AJ, ended up voted out unanimously... again! I may be dumb enough to fall for the same thing three times in a row but not a forth! I mean, I think. Cause I already gave Lexi L. the map we've been using to find the vote negator, places we looked included. For all I know, she already showed it to Gavin, Alex, Ashley, and Liam. I'm not as concerned with Sarah cause I already told her but I'm not sure if one vote will make much of a difference. I don't want Lexi L. to be my Jaiden or Dom or Ruben, all that will really do is hinder me. But I want to do this plan so badly! If it seems like I wasted your time with a pointless subplot, chances are I have and I am almost sorry. I swear it's like nobody can make a decision on their own! Like it takes ten billion years for anything to get done! LIKE UGGGHHHHHHHHHH Also I think we found out what the opal idol does. And it's from Hellwaii so we hate it based on instinct.  Also now Sarah actually wants to vote out Gavin and I don't know how I feel about that...  I mean I can save her probably but should I? Because I don't think it's in my best interest to cheat a group of people who have my back over a group of complete strangers who don't.  On the other hand if I just be a good little puppy and tattle on her and save everyone, would it make a difference? I'll just be following the same path I have been trying to escape...  I know I know this is almost exactly what I asked for but I need the option to go back if things get to heavy. I adore Sarah but I shouldn't drop everything just because she asks me too.... The Gavin's plan was to have 4 vote for Lexi and 3 vote for Robin. Sarah is one of the Lexi votes so if I could convince her to flip and make it a  three three three vote (Lexi, Robin, Gavin) then we can flip with other Lexi and nobody will know it was us... Oh wait now it turns out that they want her out. Again, what did she do to piss these people off? I should probably stop editing in real time and actually submit this damn thing 

Well everything has gone to hell. I'm pretty sure Sarah has gone insane, she keeps saying that Ashley and Lexi G. are trying to get her out but refuses to explain why. She said it was a gut feeling and I guess, despite how psychotic she may sound, she could be right. Ashley isn't exactly close with any of us and was pretty crestfallen that she was picked out as most forgettable in touchy subjects. So her flipping would make sense. Lexi G is... well she has been going on and on with the woe is me crap and I almost bought into it. Fuck I actually did buy into it for like the past week and a half. There is just something off about her... like even someone like me could sense it. Right after Sarah told Lexi G that she was flipping the vote to Robin, the news started to get upset in the main chat. And honestly, I don't begrudge them for it. I mean, it seems like every time something would go their way something else would go in and stop them. They swap fuck Sarah and Ashley, we send them idols, Jaiden finds an idol, the hosts blurt it out in the VL, They finally get someone to flip to their side, SARAH GOES APE SHIT INSANE. If stuff like this happened to me on a day to day basis I would probably have a similar reaction. Hell I did have a similar reaction in Malaysia, though I was more mopey and passive aggressive. Also some chick named Julia (I think it's the magical one but I'm not really sure?) might be harassing Lexi L. And the hosts are allegedly talking shit about the contestants, the newbies in particular, and that's kind of messed up. Lexi L seems to be on the verge of quitting or she is just playing it up for our pity, at this point I really don't know. Like I want to empathize with her and the other contestants but I don't honestly know whether or not I should. Like sometimes it seems like there is layer after layer beneath them and every time I think I find a genuine emotion of some kind it turns out to be a lie. Like this shit happened all the time in High School, I don't exactly want to relive it in here. I know this differs from my usual calculating yet spacey confessionals about conspiracy theories or how weak I am but this is supposed to be fun, not just for me and my allies but for everyone around us. We should be enjoying coming up with strategies and trying to fight each other. We should be talking and having fun but we aren't... everyone seems to genuinely hate each other. And any reach across the aisle is seen as some sort of threat. I liked being friends with Robin, I liked talking to Lexi L about the 100 and other things, fuck I even liked talking to Jaiden and his day to day life. I didn't want to betray them or be mean to them, even when I talked shit in confessionals I mostly did it for my own amusement. Yeah things are going well but I can't help but feel like this is undeserved. Like power came at the cost of everyone else's enjoyment. It's like the final battle with Master Hand in Super Smash Bros Brawl. You go through all these stages against the master hand, from beginning stages to the end but then... he just turns into an orb. He doesn't fight back, he doesn't do anything he just lies there waiting to be defeated. If this is all just an elaborate ploy to get us to lower our guards then seriously fuck you. I hate it when my emotions over power my brain and if you guys did it on purpose that is a new fucking low. It's not smart it's not clever it's just unnecessary cruelty and I hate you for it. But if it's the truth... then I'm sorry.

Well Sarah decided to play her Ruby Idol... I am probably fucked... Well if I go home know that I am not going to stop spamming the confessional because fuck you that's why.

Well Sarah decided to play her Ruby Idol... I am probably fucked... Well if I go home know that I am not going to stop spamming the confessional because fuck you that's why. Well, Haven't made on of these in a while. Oops. So the game is going okay, Sarah and I are working together pretty closely. Though she usually lives up to her villain title so I will forever be on guard with her. Gavin and I are still okay I guess, I think he might be getting closer to the other "side" or he just is getting closer to Alex, who knows. Pretty much our group is me, Sarah, Gavin, and Alex, from what I can see right now. We haven't talked much in that chat because we are still working with the bigger group but as number dwindle I can see us talking much more in our alliance chat. I am not too salty about Jordan leaving (A while ago, I know) but I do miss his strategic ways. We just did touchy subjects, and I didn't receive the answers that I usually get, which is cool because I am trying to play this game a bit different than I usually do. In fact, I got the "who do you forget is playing?" Majority vote. Yeah, that would be because I am doing shit behind y'all's back, duh. I think by the end of this game, my stance as a "hero" will not quite be true anymore and I am excited. Should be interesting.

Alright, so I found the negator that my whole alliance has been looking for. But tbh I ain't going to tell them because it could come in handy for my game later. I don't want the game to end up being just my alliance and have my ass end up on the bottom unable to do anything so hopefully to shake things up later I can keep that I have the negator under wraps. Maybe they will "forget" I am even a person that could have it. ;)