blookmallow

[blookmallow]

i don't care if monday's bleak

tuesday matches wednesday's freak

thursday mispronouncing steak

it's friday, i'm in love

[blookmallow]

ok look here look

male sole survivor who joins the Institute, starts repossessing escaped synths

"Father" debating the future of the Institute; doesnt have kids and theres not quite the same bitterness toward his potential successors but theres still a parallel, still an element of "the monster that wrecked your family was me all along/the dead mother was someone dear to me too" even if its different in this case bc it was shaun's own mother, and he wasnt responsible for her death since he was an infant at the time but his people did it, even he believes it to have been a necessary sacrifice

i havent seen how things go with synth shaun after the death of "father" on an Institute run, i havent gotten that far, but i feel like theres also a link with "my child whose name starts with S has never been allowed to leave the Safe Place" and maybe he grows to resent you. i think synth shaun as shiloh has potential

SS torn up with guilt and grief over the loss of his wife, watching himself become the evil that all of the commonwealth fears most, wrecking peoples lives, dragging synths back to the institute, making people disappear in the night

high key institute vibes

synths getting hunted down by coursers

do you see my vision. does anyone understand me

thinking about. repo! x fallout 4 AU

institute geneco. "Father" rotti. SS repo man (his name's even nathan, ) shiloh/shaun. magnolia/blind mag?? mysterious singer named mag who is in potential danger of getting physically repossessed?? theres something here

[blookmallow]

thinking about. repo! x fallout 4 AU

institute geneco. "Father" rotti. SS repo man (his name's even nathan, ) shiloh/shaun. magnolia/blind mag?? mysterious singer named mag who is in potential danger of getting physically repossessed?? theres something here

[blookmallow]

ok i NEED y'all to know about this insane fucking nightmarish masterpiece of an album i just experienced bc i don't know what to do with myself now

so today my coworker casually mentioned this experimental concept album he'd found, which he described as a single 74 minute track on the concept of surgery without anesthetic

and i said, that's the most insane sentence you have ever said to me,

it's called "Delirium Cordia" by Fantomas, I listened to it on spotify, it is probably other places

and i went into this thinking okay, this is probably going to be a bunch of weird chaotic noise and screaming and I'll probably skip through it just to see what even the fuck hell an album like that even sounds like

i listened to the entire thing and i feel like i just underwent an exorcism. i feel like i need to re-learn how to breathe again

some of it is Noise. some of it is Dread. some of it sounds like a panic attack in a tornado. some of it is Paralyzing Unease. some of it is oddly soothing, asmr, but also kind of sounds (and feels) like dental tools in your brain. some of it feels like bleeding out on the floor but at least it's over, at least right now it's over. the calm after a breakdown. but then very sharply and suddenly snapped off with unimaginable dread. it feels like the last thing you hear before you die

it's "hold your breath, this is going to hurt." it's the sound of Unbearable Agony, but lets up just before it's too much, just before you can't stand that sound anymore and then it's relief, it's sobbing gasping relief until a new, different pain starts again, but never in a way that made me want to turn it off, never in a way that wasn't interesting and moving. it's "delirious from agony," it's relentless but in a way you can't pull away from, it's haunting and insane and beautiful and horrible. it's like a horror movie made of only sound. i feel like i just woke up from brain surgery. i dont know what the fuck this thing did to me

i feel like it really does need to be listened to all at once so I'd definitely recommend making space for it when you're in a clear mental place where you can handle some weird heavy unsettling shit 'cause it is a Lot. would also like to note i feel it would be deeply unsettling for someone who has medical trauma so keep that in mind if you're planning on it

the last couple seconds did scare the fuck out of me also lmao so fair warning

[blookmallow]

the real reason kaufmo abstracted

[blookmallow]

im too lazy to photoshop it for the joke but i feel like my brain has been stuck on fallout for so long im becoming

[blookmallow]

generally speaking when it comes to mental and physical health, if you're asked "do you struggle with this" and your answer is "no, Because I Have A System," then your answer is actually yes

[blookmallow]

so that new ep huh

[blookmallow]

@ other brainweird people ive had a revelation recently and im wondering if anyone else has the same thing

i was thinking about childhood fears, like what things stand out from media/experiences i had/etc as really memorably scary and realized most of them stem from overstimulation

- my biggest fear to this day is animatronic dinosaurs and king kong animatronics bc of my dad making me ride jurassic park and the studio tour back when king kong was still in it when i was Too Little lmao but think about that experience. you're in a dark, extremely loud place with a massive scary Thing approaching you

- very big things were very scary for me. monstro. the scene where ursula gets giant. Really Big is scary!

- i remember being extremely freaked out by fantasia 2000 and im almost positive it was because i saw it in imax and it was Huge and Loud

- i remember being very afraid of the phantom of the opera because my parents would listen to the sound track and it was Loud and there was Screaming (high pitched sounds are extremely very bad for me)

anyone else have thoughts here. like not Every Single fear was a sensory overload situation (darth maul was also extremely scary to me and i think it was Just bc of his scary face, so) but a whole lot of them are just "thing that is too big and/or too loud" or "Bad Sound Bad Sound Bad Sound" for me

[blookmallow]

Does anyone happen to have My injuries were so jolly I was Christmas for a month on hand

[blookmallow]

my autopsy results came back inconclusive

[blookmallow]

It must be so lonely to know your memories doesn't truly belongs to you.

Anyway

Have a dramatic Nick

[blookmallow]

my feelings about fo4 romances thus far

ive done all of them except piper and danse i think. i have both planned but haven't achieved them yet. i know one major thing about danse's development but have no idea what happens after the discovery of the thing comes out and have even less idea why so many people are into him so I'm hoping I will Learn

currently i feel like im just being followed around by a domineering buzz lightyear. he's... nice enough if you do things he likes...? he's supportive. but I have yet to get any personality out of him other than "soldier" and I'm guessing that's probably the point, so maybe there's a side of him I haven't seen yet. i really want him to get the hell out of the power armor though it is so unnerving having him stomping after me in the middle of diamond city. like. boy calm down for one minute we are going shopping. if he stays in the fucking power armor for his "waking up beside you" animation i am going to actually lose it

anyway i dont have a problem with piper (except i hate that she calls you "blue" i really feel like most of my SS's would be offended by that. you're nicknaming me after the vault i was lied to and controlled in. where i was frozen against my will and forced to watch my spouse die in front of me and my son be taken away. it's not cute! ) i just hadn't gotten around to her bc i hadn't figured out a character to make sense with her yet/it didn't feel natural but i think im gonna double her with my preston file. i have like 6 ocs going here dont ask (ive got uhh. my main is curie + hancock, then i have one for maccready, another one with hancock, one with preston + eventually piper, one with cait + gage, one intended for danse)

ive romanced hancock twice and had to talk myself out of doing it again on a third file. this man is my weakness. i would do anything for him. his romance lines are so sweet he makes me cry. perfect. no notes. the way he's threatening and dangerous but only when someone deserves it, and so soft and loving to you? rough and a lil bit fucked up, a lil bit nasty, but so calm and comforting and supportive to you? kills me. destroys me. my comfort character is a fucked up chem addicted radioactive ghoul who wears a 500 year old coat every single day of his life and might've lost a toe somewhere

@ bethesda give me nick valentine

cait's honestly feels so weird to me. it's like her personality just totally changes. she goes from being rough and sarcastic to "anything for you my treasure :) my heart is yours my beloved :)" and it doesn't feel like character development so much as just like. character flattening. it was actively putting me off spending time with her anymore. its like its not her. do you get me. does anyone feel this. i havent seen anyone talking about cait that much honestly so i have no idea

@ bethesda give me nick valentine

curie was my first love and i still cannot believe they gave us a miss nanny robot wife. i wish she was more android after the change though. i know human-passing synths are totally indistinguishable but i want her to be weirder. i want curie with glowing eyes. i want to see circuits on her arms instead of veins. anyway she is so so sweet and such a unique character i love her but also i do not understand her bc i was looking at her likes/dislikes and she apparently likes the brotherhood and doesn't like the railroad which does Not Make Sense To Me At All. girl you're a synth

@ bethesda give me nick valentine

i never really got why people are so into porter gage until i went through his romance and he's still not really my type but like, i get it now. the "man don't make me talk about feelings and shyit. we're... we're great! you know THAT. :/ " is so cute. i wish there was a redemption arc/reformed raider option for him because i feel like he had potential for growth that he just wasn't allowed to realize. underdeveloped but he is a DLC character so i guess that's how it goes

@ bethesda give me nick valentine

maccready is also kinda dangerously close to "personality changed completely when romanced" but it feels at least less jarring than cait's. maccready reads to me as a person who is actually quite sentimental and sweet but has become jaded/has to act tough to fit in/to protect himself and he's taking his walls down for you. he's another one that still isn't really my type but i Get It Now. his little toy soldier thing still gets me every time. speaking my exact love language of "here is a little thing that is important to me and i want you to have it and think of me." i respect maccready enjoyers

@ bethesda give me nick valentine

i haven't spent a lot of time on the file i romanced preston on but i was fully not prepared for the fact that he calls you "babe" once you're dating. it's so cute. preston is so cute. i don't have a lot else to say other than he is So Cute and deserves more attention than he gets.

@ bethesda give me nick valentine

[blookmallow]

fair but its not just david bowie its everywhere

only some disney songs

absolutely all of pet shop boys

occasional beach boys

currently experiencing a fascinating glitch where like 90% of my music library is showing night vale as the album art for reasons unknown

[blookmallow]

currently experiencing a fascinating glitch where like 90% of my music library is showing night vale as the album art for reasons unknown

[blookmallow]

why does mr krabs have chum sauce in the krusty krab storage room huh

[blookmallow]

i keep thinking about this thing i saw at joann fabrics