#incorrect quotes batfamily

[goodoldfashionedengineer]

Dick: *posts a video consisting of multiple clips to social media, in which Jason is seen sitting in a chair, reading something on his phone*

---

Jason: *widens his eyes and leans forward, gripping one of the chair arms*

Jason: No, the fuck, he didn't?!

Jason: That's not something he would say, but fine.

Jason: *blinks a few times* *looks up* *stares at his phone again* *blinks again* *raises his eyebrows*

Jason: *lies his phone aside, grips his hair while he paces around the room, clearly suppressing a scream*

Jason: I know I sometimes turn into a masochist when it comes to reading, but this is on a new level, even for me

---

Tim: *walks into the frame and takes Jason's phone away*

Jason: Give me back my pho-

Tim: YOU READ BATFAMILY ON AO3?!

[the-bird-has-flown-the-coop]

Clark: What’s the worst thing you guys have done?

Tim: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.

Dick: I kicked Jason in the shin-

Jason: -So I kicked Dick between the legs.

Damian: I burned a town down.

Clark: What?!

Hal: What the hell is wrong with you?!?

Damian: A lot of things.

Jason: No shit.

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: who are you? A new crime lord?

Jason: *takes off his helmet*

Bruce: *squints suspiciously* a new crime lord who looks like a grown up version of my dead son?

Jason: *sighs in annoyance and forces a bright smile*

Bruce: JASON THE NEW CRIME LORD???

[ahfrickenfrick]

vicki vale: and what do you have to say about the rumors that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person?

12 year old, newly appointed robin, jason todd: ??? that would be really weird cause i’ve literally seen them kiss before??

bruce: *in the Wayne tower, popping up from his paperwork* …something just happened…

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Robin!Jason: I wonder if different brands of shampoo taste different

Dick: They do

Jason:

Dick:

Jason:

Dick: Wait, ask me again and I'll hesitate before answering this time.

[offical-absolute-supes]

Bruce: Damian care to explain why Dick is covered in blue highlighter ink?

Damian *who's holding said blue highlighter*: it's because he's important. I'm supposed to highlight only the important stuff.

Dick *who's face is covered in blue highlighter while also trying not to cry*: YoU tHiNk iM iMpOrTaNt?

Bruce: you can't just color on his face Damian

Dick *actually crying now*: he said I'm important-

[incorrectbatfam]

Dick: The real reason Howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion.

Jason: This sounds like a joke but I read the book. This is the literal reason.

[bats-and-the-birds]

-at a justice league meeting in the midst of a very very stressful few weeks for Batman where everything has gone wrong, alfred is on vacation, and Bruce has not slept in days-

Batman: -outstandingly still coherent, lays out an extremely detailed plan on how to take down the Villain Of The Week- Any questions?

Nightwing: -slowly raising his hand from across the table-

Batman: Yes?

Nightwing: So... in all of this planning did you block out time to go pick up Robin from school like you said you would, or do you want me to do that?

Batman: ...

Nightwing: I'd say we could just let walk home alone, but the last time you did that, we found him trying to dismantle a section of the Russian mafia about two hours after he was supposed to get home.

Batman: ...

Nightwing: And he gets out of school in -checks wrist like he's wearing a watch- ten minutes, so you might want to make a decision soon.

Batman: ...Fuck.

[foerchen]

Next fic: bodyswap

Jason: *in Dick‘s body*

Jason: I feel awful. What is wrong with your body???

Tim: *absolutely obliterating a punching bag in Jason‘s body*

Dick: *looks affronted at Jason in his body*

Dick: My body is fine! What do you mean??? You aren‘t the one who needs to consume an unholy amount of caffeine to function!

Jason: I feel like someone is about to push me off a fucking cliff, Dickhead.

Dick: *grins suddenly*

Dick: Ohhhh. Lemme fix that for you, Little Wing.

Dick: *walks up to Jason and hugs him tightly*

Jason: *relaxes before tensing up*

Jason: WAIT. YOU NEED HUGS TO FUNCTION?!?!

(Next fic is in the works! o7 It isn’t the one I had originally planned cuz my brain went brrr. Have a good one, my lovely birdwatchers! <3)

((Edit: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59545189/chapters/151862587 ))

[theaceofarrows]

A Robin tradition

-

13 year old Jason: Dick, I need to borrow the Batmobile! Roy needs help with his English homework, Alfred is busy, and the Batmobile is the fastest car we have!

18 year old Dick: [is mad at Bruce and knows full well that this is going to piss him off] Say no more

[Dick gets the keys]

Dick: I'll hide the keys to the motorcycles and the plane. When Bruce tries to call you, just ignore him

Jason: [running to the car] Thanks, Dick! You're the best!

-

[Years later]

Tim: Jason please help me! I need the Batmobile to save Kon from Kryptonite Zombies!

Jason: 'Kay, try not to hit any pedestrians

Jason: [takes the Batmobile keys out of his pocket tosses them to Tim]

Tim: You just had them in your pocket...?

Jason: Zombies, Tim

Tim: Right! Thanks! [Runs away]

-

[Even more years later]

Damian: Drake! I require the Batmobile. Connor needs assist-

Tim: [already tossing Damian the keys] Cool, see ya later

Damian: [already running to the car] Thank you!

[tiger-grace]

Flash: what the hell happened with no metas in gotham?

Batman: Signal is a special case, I trust him solely as one of gotham’s vigilantes-

Flash: What? No. I’m talking about the blue one. I saw him lift like, 1000 pounds the other day.

Batman: … it was that or therapy

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[imhere-imqueer-ilikedeer]

Jason: There's a thin line between being a genius and being an idiot.

Jason: Tim uses that line as a fucking jump rope.

[p1nkshield]

Damian: Todd prepare. I’m going to kill you!

Jason: you can try but it probably won’t stick!

Bruce: what is this about?

Jason: I sent baby pictures of knife child to the robins group chat.

Damian: WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THOSE TODD?!?

Jason: If I wanted something I would bribe Talia with them.

Damian: what? LIES! NEITHER OF MY PARENTS WOULD STOOP TO SUCH A LEVEL RIGHT FATHER?

Bruce: …

Damian: father?

Bruce:… how much?

Damian: FATHER?!?

Bruce: name your price!

Damian: NO!