#im too tired to deal with that shit
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HUSKERDUST (in my style) :)
#yes im aware angel doesnt have a nose dont come at me#the face wasnt face-ing without it#huskerdust#hazbin hotel fanart#hazbin hotel#my art#hazbin hotel husk#hazbin hotel angel dust#please dont steal it#im too tired to deal with that shit
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every time i see a post that is like "ughh why cant we have aspec characters who aren't aroace for once" I have to do a double take like "is the aroace rep in the room with us right now?" because genuinely....where is all this aroace rep y'all are complaining about? Why cant i find it yet it's apparently the only aspec rep we get?? You admit that TV never says the word aromantic so where is the aroace rep. So far I've pretty much only seen canonically asexual characters and not much else buddy.
#text#half the time i think these ppl see other aspec ppl saying that x character feels aroace and then they take it as canon rep#instead of an interpretation of the character which likely was never meant to be written as aspec at all#because majority of people don't even know what that is#this isn't me saying that we shouldn't have aroallo or alloace rep btw#this is me complaining about people throwing aroace ppl under the bus because apparently we are 'hogging' all the representation in media#and it just reads as people being aphobic towards aroace people specifically and it drives me insane#you can ask for more aroallo and alloace characters without complaining and shitting on aroace characters????#like bro we are all on the same fucking team. we are all trying to get seen and understood. we all want to see ourselves in media#stop fighting like one of us is somehow way more privileged than the other because 'you have x rep'#we all have crumbs my guy. just because someone else is getting crumbs doesn't mean that its your crumbs being taken.#idk i see so many posts like this and it makes me feel so unwelcome in the aro and ace communities#im tired of aroace people being used as a scapegoat that you can target to pretend like you're punching up#when in reality you're just committing friendly fire against people who are on your team#i miss when the aro and ace communities used to like... work together as a big aspec community#now ppl r way too focused on separating them and acting like they have nothing in common and don't have the same goals#and both communities now tend to put a lot of blame onto aroace people because of stereotypes we never had control over in the first place#it's exhausting#like the aphobia is coming from inside the house#i didn't go through the ace discourse on tumblr to deal with this shit.
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i just wanna know. what does anyone want artists to do. im really just curious. Like if u steal all of our work and chase us out of all of the jobs and crush every single one of us until we either die or quit. Whats the end goal. artists provided their work for free for 2 decades and built their lives in digital spaces. And in a few years the landscape is changing drastically away from that :/. I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of artists being disrespected. And yet its not going to Stop. Our spaces are still snuck into and scraped, our work is still stolen, and we still have people that are just outright fucking nasty to us just bc u draw a furry animal or are queer. what is anyone supposed to do. our communities were destroyed. our spaces were destroyed. so many artists are Gone and scattered to the winds. What is anyone Doing.
#not art#more than anything else its just Venting#i genuinely. want to die So Bad because of this shit dude.#like i built my whole entire life in digital spaces because there was Nothing for me outside of them#and now theres nothing Inside of them either#and i feel so fucking empty#my friends are hurting or Gone#my peers are Gone#the spaces only get Worse#my peers are being Stolen From over and over#the infighting is its OWN thing and i COULD tolerate that when it was Most of what i was dealing with#but now its . from the outside too#now theres outfighting and infighting! and i cant . theres just no space for me#theres no space for anyone! they were all fucking crushed#and its So Difficult to feel like theres ANY POINT to building your work online anymore#why should i keep fucking posting??? feed an art bot and an algorithm??? my friends arent going to see it#the people i like arent going to see it#whats the fucking point.#vent#vent post#-_- sorry#cw sui ideation#im So SO tired man :( im so Fucking Sad too#i never get any less sad looking around my spaces anymore :(#we had th and artfight and even those are fucking. a part of scraping now. and it is truly the final straw for me?#like you came into OUR spaces#OURS. for ARTISTS. and ARTISTS ALONE...#and you STOLE our work :(#that we put out FOR FREE ANYWAYS.#. :(
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it was beautiful to be a child and not know anything about the usa
#you rly cant escape that shit im so tired and everyones so stupid all the time too#like as if i dont have politics of my own country i live in to deal with on the daily i have to constantly see#americans saying stupid shit online#come learn polish and immerse yourself in the nightmare that is hearing polish people talk politics#all while still constantly hearing abt american goddamn pointless elections#and then tell me if that helps you stay sane#also both of your candidates are fascists to be clear
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resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
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some people will be all about mental health awareness and leftist ideals of at least tolerating the mentally ill who show ''ugly'' symptoms until it's someone they know and ''care'' about having a bad day and acting like it in a way they don't find appealing
#[temporary text post tag]#vagueing about irls#everybodys your friend until one time youre too tired to act right after getting yelled at first thing in the morning#worst thing is i trusted her enough to tell her shit none of my other friends know about#liek i genuinely believed we were friends and i wasnt just an accessory so she wouldnt feel lonely and could vent to someone about whatever#now im really wondering if all the shit she told me about other people was real or if she just ditched them as well after they-#- acted emotionally in a way she didnt like#like im sorry people have bad days and sometimes act in none cutesy ways#at this point idk if the few times i did tell her im feelin like shit she took it seriously or just thought i was joking#im kinda assuming the second one#like she did feel and act fairly progressive - she'd often talk about acceptance and understanding#i don't even think she sees this situation as dropping a 'freind'#she's prolly gonna find a way to justify it somehow idk#point is im hurt and need a drink#she even vaguely texted me like 'if someone you knew hurt someone you care about would you try to fix it with them or just block them?'#like not even confront me and say 'you hurt someone i care about so now im ending things'#or just tell me to fuck off or call me a piece of shit#i feel after a year and all of the 'youre a good friend' shit that maybe i was at least entitled to a 'fuck off kys' text and then a block#i shouldve dropped her first - save us both some time#honestly i dont even think she thinks about this at all#im probably just sulking like a kicked dog while she does whatever the fuck it is she does#she probably didnt even care about my side of the story#why would she#honestly she always did most of the talking#i was just there to listen and sometimes make a joke for her to laugh at i guess#like i didnt know i was signing up for a '1 strike and youre out' type deal lmao
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John is so capable of violence, has seen and endured and caused so much violence, has learned so well how to hurt. He has rage inside of him. Against abusers. Against himself.
But he is still so gentle and nice and comforting and he smiles and the numbers hug him and he tells Megan with tears in his eyes how you lose a part of yourself when you kill someone. He wants to help.
And. He wants to die but then. Why not live to help people. Then. Why not live because it's nice.
#i lovelovelove the superposition of violence and gentleness in him waow#anyway. wheres that post i wrote about poi being about not being defined by your past and doing what you can is enough etc etc#also idk im just veryyy not normal about john being suicidal and then less suicidal#i didnt like his death#like beyond my fav character died idk it rubs me the wrong way that he was suicidal then crawled out of si to just pretty much kill himself#not that im against stories of suicidal characters killing themselves. (just tired of non suicidal ppl writing dumb shit ig)#but idk. for him to end like this when i feel like hed have at most passive si#i dont like the idea of framing his death as a sacrifice. as smth he wanted and was “meant to be”.#i understand he wanted to save harold and i know how he gets when harold is in danger but it felt like he threw his life away too easily#i just wanted to see him get out of his suicidal/self sacrificing ways. save harold and save himself as well#anyway my john is antisuicidist and goes to alt2su meetings ok bye#like the way he helps homeless people bc he knows what its like. he goes there when he has peaks of si but also to help people#johns sidequest of dealing with chronic si and learning about suicidism and peer support gjdjzjffj#wasnt planning on rambling in tags but anyway im normal now 👍#person of interest#john reese#tw suicide#nourann.txt
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why why why why why why why why why why why why why
#i have ZERO means of paying off this daily growing electric bill. if i dont theyre going to shut it off on the 4th. its still over 100°f.#and after tomorrow im going to be charged DAILY rent for being here past the 1st#and my grandmother who was supposed to bring materials to pack and help me get this shit organized just straight didnt show up#TWO DAYS IN A ROW LOL#''im just tired and stressed :('' YEA BITCH ME TOO I NO MONEY AND NO WHERE ELSE TO GO BUT UR DOG FECES INFESTED MODULAR#I NEED HELP PLEASE LOL#i promised not to hurt myself but you also promised to help and have flaked like 4 times in less than 2 weeks SO#MAYBE KEEP UR END OF THE DEAL HERE BEFORE I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE HA HA#IM HAVING A ENDLESS PANIC ATTACK AND I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS ABANDONING ME 👍👍#MY MOM SAID SHE LOVED ME BUT THEN WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME TO THIS??? I CANT DO ANY OF THIS ALONE MUCH LESS EVERYTHING#I NEED HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP PLEASE#SS ISNT GOING TO JUST GIVE ME HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS BY TOMORROW NO MATTER WHO I TALK TO OR HOW MANY CALLS I MAKE#ALL I CAN DO IS SCREAM IN THE TAGS OF THIS STUPID BLOGGING SITE AND CRY
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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god save me from overly judgemental 18y/os online who think theyre the bastian of morality bc of what kinda art they dont like. i dont want to be in a fan community centered around negativity and mean-spirited gossiping!!! i want to be around ppl having actual fun!!!
#our t#sorry im just like. really sick of finding fandom servers that look fun and good#but then descend into casual fandom-based cruelty of like#''ewww haha well op ships [ship they just plain ol dont like] so that says all i need to know abt them'' like holy shit???#it is NOT that big of a deal. its legit nothing. im too mentally ill to be around that kinda negativity anymore man im too tired and sad#its not even abt what kinda art they DO like cause all thats happening rn is burnbook type gossiping like hello??? fuckin stop#and yknow what ship it was? dirkr0xy. im so over caring abt this shit man just dont look at stuff u dont like
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i hold so much more anger than anyone around me realizes
#like id beat my father to death with my bare hands if given the chance#and all those men for what they did to me#im so sick of ppl saying i need to forgive people who are not and never will be sorry. why should it be on ME to be the 'bigger person'#I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD WHEN IT STARTED.#im angry i never got to be a child and now its too late. now im 22 and just as fucked up as i was when it was still happening#i do not consider myself a violent person but thinking of what my abusers did all the time makes me so fucking mad#how can you do those things to a child & live with yourself. i dont fucking get it#i dont need to forgive ANYONE if i dont want to. the ppl telling me that dont even know All of what happened to begin with.#milo murmurs#csa vent#tw csa vent#csa tw#add that to being easily irritated due to ptsd and weve got a lovely mess here lol#im so tired of feeling like shit all the time but idk how not to rn#also. OBVIOUSLY i do not desire to commit murder. im just sad & pissed off that they got away w everything & i have to deal w it
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my aunt is visiting from boston this weekend so that means im gonna get wine drunk at dinner<3
#also hiiiiiii everyone coming to my blog from that tshirt post#terfs and ed blogs fuck right off#my names maggie im a virgo and im probably too tired to deal with ur shit
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pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍
#i thought it was just a stray hair on my elbow under the blanket and kept trying to shake it off#and then i finally went to brush it off w my hand and felt a bump there#and then it was unbearably itchy so i turned the lamp on to apply some anti-itch stuff bc it was driving me nuts#and i was trying to see where it was on my elbow bc wtf when did i get bit#and then i looked at it and it was very pale like a fresh bite and then there was some skin torn like a spider bite#i cant tell if theres two little holes or not and honestly idk if spiders always leave two fang marks fjdkdl#but it doesnt look like a mosquito bite unless i tore the skin myself from scratching at it#but the way it is looking... very similar to past spider bites#anyways i just removed everything from my bed and methodically searched Everything. looked all around the bed too. cannot find a spider#so. shrug. <- actually very afraid#but the thing that makes me Really think it's a spider is that the bump was super pale and now after a little while it is regular skintone#so that makes me think it was a brand new fresh bite the way it was a different colour and now its normal looking#which is uhhh scary! to have had a spider possibly in my bed!#and I can't find it so i simply do not Know and that is going to make it so hard to sleep tonight fjfkdl#man i barely ate today too so im just... really not doing well at this very moment fjfkdl#i cant eat anything rn though bc i already brushed my teeth and i dont want to do that again tonight fjfkdl#but i am. so hungry. augh. idk what I'd even eat anyways im too anxious to stomach anything#WHERE IS THIS SPIDER. WHY DID IT CHOOSE MY BED TO BE IN 😭#im in bed so often ... it should avoid places where ppl are ....#i feel like such shit rn fjdkdl i just rly wish i didnt have to deal w all these bugs#in the past month I've had a couple spiders and Several(!) weevils and a centipede and a clicker beetle and a couple earwigs#im just so tired of bugs i rly am fjfkdl idk why they choose to come inside and idk HOW they're getting inside#i hate living in a basement!!#i just want to sleep so i dont have to deal w being awake for a while fjdkls but now im all freaked out#i want to curl into a little ball and blink out of existence I'll be so honest rn. im just. idk.#✨ I don't think I have a place in society ✨ i am not a good enough person to exist in the world ✨#i dont want to go to sleep bc what if the spider comes back fjfkdl i wish i would've found it so i could've trapped it#and then let it outside tomorrow! i wouldnt have even killed it. the universe should've given me that one bc im so niceys#unfortunately the universe doesnt play nice w me fjfksl#spider tw
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If things could stop going in exactly the wrong wrong direction that would be excellent
#m rambles#if I could trade all my years of good luck when I was younger to just be fucking normal I would#the latest in my series of unfortunate events:#decided to hire traffic lawyer for my ticket#traffic lawyer gets my info but never sends any follow up#today I got a fucking ‘failed to appear in court’#because apparently my lawyer didn’t do jack shit#and it’s just one more FUCKING thing#I don’t even know what the fuck to do now#this will probably fuck up my chances of getting my ticket dismissed#and I’m too paranoid to go for a lawyer again because if I fail to show up again they can put out a warrant for my arrest#im so nauseous#I really can’t deal with being alive anymore and I mean that in the most serious fucking way I can#if I had access to a gun or a garage I could lock myself in I would fucking do it#but I’m too terrified of being in pain to try any other way so I guess I live to see another sunrise tomorrow#just to go into work at a job I probably won’t have in a month’s time because of layoffs#to explain to my coworkers and my manager why I’m so fucking behind#and without a single bit of professional help because my therapist dropped me weeks ago and I’ve been stuck in a hole ever since#I’ve left my house less that 5 times in the entire month of October and yet I live in a fucking pigs sty#I sleep on the couch because I’m too tired to climb the stairs and all I can smell is the mold from my dishes#which literally had fucking maggots in it last time I looked at them#I think there’s black mold in my basement that I can’t clean and my fridge is going to mold soon because my water pitcher leaked#if I’d known when I was a kid that all those times where things just seemed to magically work out would lead to my life falling apart#I would have shut my goddamn mouth about getting a B in physics and dealt with it to prevent my life from becoming the shit show it is today
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Bleh.
#idk. experiencing that fun dooming feeling of knowing im too weird and sensitive to engage in proper fandom.#so i just watch everyone else have a fucking blast and i sit here in my 'i feel way too much way too hard' corner#i want to be able to engage in stuff more. to talk to people more. to ENJOY things more#instead i live in fear every fucking day of what thing is gonna accidentally upset me#and ill have to deal with the mental torment nexus that follows for the next 8 hours#like this cannot be normal. this has to be a thing that can be treated#but i have no money or resources to look into that#i just wish i was normal.#im so tired of making friends while wearing a mask#and realizing i can never take it off because they'll leave as soon as i do#be nice be agreeable be kind you have to you HAVE to or you'll have no one#idk i wanna give up im so tired all the time.#my ideas all feel like shit. all being creative has done is make people drop me and hate me.#im loved until im not what they want they thought i was.#im always needed never wanted.#i keep! trying to find spaces i feel like me in. that i feel GOOD in#and its the same fucking story no matter what. i never do it *right*.#i don't do ships right i don't do trans right i don't do bi right i don't do aro right.#every community has made it clear that im not what they want.#im tired of floating and being lost. what would it matter if i was lost forever that seems to be what the universe wants for me anyway.#im tired of living based on what everyone else wants#I'd rather die finally doing something just for me.#vent
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