#im ready to do something else with my life
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Admito que había evitado tu perfil en las últimas semanas porque te sentí distante y como si me estuvieras evitando. Y me sentí como Bella cuando Edward desaparece. Luego me culpé porque quizá he sido demasiado intensa y escalofriante con mis escritos para ti, después me volví a sentir mal, evité tumblr unos días y… aquí estoy.
nena!! nunca! <3 <3 te adoro!
#say it#out loud#cali y griss#love you griss!#ive just had the shittiest week of my life#and it keeps happening#im ready to do something else with my life#seriously i need help lol it's been rough#but im always here for you! <3
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time
#abc shut it#im tired of fighting it and trying to participate in life when it feels like i dont exist#love being lonely and then being told its due to my bad mental health so i pretend it doesnt affect me and i try and be myself#and no one likes me and i dont exist unless i remind people im a person so its kinda like#at a point where its not just suicidal ideation#its just a situation of /when/ and not if haha#ive been alive for 26 years and 20 of those have been exhausting as hell im ready to be done#exhausting and lonely and isolating im sick of it#i try and i try and my life doesnt get better or anymore worth living#and when i vent abt it i get told i need to try harder and im not trying at all and i need to stop being so depressed#its hard to not be depressed when the universe gives everyone around me a better experiences than me#i feel like im screaming that im here please pay attention#and nothing#i talk and my voice gets ignored or i get talked over#i post online to try and start conversations or make friends and i just get ignored#like do i exist at all to anyone else but myself#im trying to reach out and make friends but none of the ppl i wanna make friends with seem interested in having a conversation with me#i add all these people to discord and message them all the time#but nothing gets passed me sending them messages no one ever fucking messages me first#it feels like no one thinks about me and i dont matter#literally no one gives a fuck what i have to say#or anytime i talked im corrected on SOMETHING i say or i get a belittled in response#i cant do this shit anymore i cant#no one gives a shit about what i have to say and its really coming across that no one likes me#bc if my friends cant text me first or respond to my messages at all#why am i in the wrong feeling like im alone and have no friends when im the only one reaching out ever if i wanna have a conversation#and when i do feel like im allowed to talk i just talk and talk and talk and know the people dont give a shit abt what i have to say#i jsut feel like im here to be talked at and do things for other people and nothing more#that whenever i have an emotion its wrong and i need to bottle it up#and i dont eve get a chance to learn how to manage my emotions bc it feels like im going to get scolded or belittled for feeling things
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Ooh yea and no new playlist picture for tomorrow because didn't have the opportunity to draw more of em djdghd
#too busy or not enough motivation#i have two more sketches ready though#buuut I might sideline it for something else#idk im thinking#but maybe not#my priority would be actually dedicating some time for school and finisbing xmas presents for my fam#and then drawing#knowing me Ill do none of the actual important life stuf and draw Nine fifty times over-
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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when i was younger this whole ''no romantic or sexual experience" thing made me feel deeply unlovable and it still does but in a different way. now i've somehow convinced myself that i'm not supposed to desire anyone like that. like it's not meant for me. it's me who can't love now. not other people.
#feeling emo#no but i'm literally the problem cause it's not like i'm trying to ''put myself out there''#but it's too scary and i don't want to and i'm not ready and there's no time and i like the routine of being alone#i've had crushes before and they were strong and lasted honestly too long for being crushes#but that's too far away from now#and i always looked at myself as the girl who won't get the boy#the crush was always unrequited#i was okay with only looking cause it's not like there's anything other than that for a girl like me#living life in a larger body is truly not a kind experience#there's so many other things that made relationship and love scary for me but being fat is the biggest reason for not even trying#and they you talk to your skinny friends and hear their experience with men and it's so awful for the most part#and then you think well if they treat them that way how would i be treated#i just don't want to be hurt#or hurt someone else#i'm used to at looking at love from a distance and i'll live anyway#some days it just harder than others#like the hard part is that i feel like im doing something wrong#like im living life wrong like i shouldn't be this uncomfortable and scared#so often it happens that i just can't relate to other people my age#like im too serious and in my head to be fun and get drunk at parties#and to serious and in my head to be in love and be loved and be seen#they all have this more casual stance on romance and they'll make out with people in the dorm bathrooms but i can't do that#and i don't want to either#i'm slow and boring and it would probably take six months to prepare myself for a kiss#it all seems so big to me#lovely feeling we're having tonight#personal
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random thought that i havent been able to get out of my head is dannie and arcade having the "what do you think we do. after all this is over." convo.
#i think dannie would get really quiet and withdraw into herself as things start ramping up#because i dont think she really thought a lot of this through and doesnt feel ready for it#so ive had this scene in my head of them making camp and shes sitting there cleaning her rifle for the third time in three hours#and theyre friends. hes known her since she was a kid. i think if he asked what she actually WANTS to do with her life shed think about it#because i dont think 'become de-facto leader of the greater vegas area' is something she actually wants#but like fuck. someone has to do it right? who the hell else is gonna be in charge. benny? i have to laugh#idk ive just had the scene bouncing around in my head. id like to hear them talk about it#i think shed like to join the followers for real. do something to actually help people. the politicking is getting to her and she cant help#but feel kind of powerless in the face of these enormous problems. the legion. the ncr. the realities of being responsible for other people#and their lives. idk idk idk#it just seems like itd get to a person is all. it gets to ME and its not even real. every decision i make im agonizing over doing right#by people. the lily decision was genuinely so difficult for me
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im gonna say something so controversial but so brave. seeing one of the last Joe love songs repurposed for That Man makes me feel so gross and icky and it gives me the heebie jeebies and this isn't to say that I miss Joe but even now I still like him more than I like Travis. my distain for Travis is so strong that I simply cannot let some of these songs get reassigned to him.
#i don't even like labyrinth very much#like sorry all Taylor and everyone else may be ready to move on but i simply am not#not with that wretched beast#i love taylor. i had an extremely upsetting day because i love taylor. somehow my hatred for travis is even larger right now tho.#and I'm not trying to put taylor in the basement or whatever the hell im not trying to write some kind of narrative about her life#it comes down to: i hate football. i hate travis. i hate how fucking overexposed this relationship is.#do i need to take a break? god yes#but i try to take a break from here in other communities and it ends in me wanting to kms because someone said something shitty about taylor#I'm so stuck between a rock and a hard place i really just need a couple weeks without internet period#anyone wanna send me and my bestie on a cruise?
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#it’s really fucking cold rn#also i’ve been sad for like a week and it’s got better sometimes but things keep happening so every time i think#im okay it’s fine… something else happens and it’s like well fuck now i have to deal with this exhausting ordeal again why do i have#to suffer so much#but it’s okay because everything happens for a reason and maybe this is the universe trying to tell me something#like keep taking your fucking meds#but also stop being so emotional and stop wearing your heart on your sleeve#but i refuse to regret thinking i was ready to be a real person again#I wasn’t ready but i refuse i simply refuse to regret believing that i was okay?#anyway it’s kind of unfair how i tried my best and january still turned out awful#like i just wanted one nice thing#but anyway this month has always been for life-changing decisions and i made one today as i do every year#so everything’s fine now#i can’t believe i’m saying this but i can’t wait to go back to work lmaooo#if i’m busy i won’t have time to cry right?? i won’t have time to dwell on stupid inconsequential things i can’t help but notice#sometimes i wish i couldn’t read wish i was illiterate i’d be so sane rn if that were the case <333#i would feel so secure and everything would be fine <333#anyway i’m thinking about morey because they are the only thing worth thinking about atm and they’re everything to me also 💖💖#morey supremacy i wish the teen wolf movie weren’t real skdjdjdj#STAND BEHIND ME COREY 💖💖 i won’t let them hurt youuu 💖💖
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oh i love the idea of eddie getting most of the way through buying a house in texas before realizing the house has buck written all over it
#im so in love with it#eddie looking around the house with the real estate agent and maybe she says something about oh is your husband coming later?#and hes just like oh.#because the house buck helped him find was perfect#but it wasnt perfect for him. it was perfect for both of them.#buck had commented on the kitchen and how it was layed out perfectly#he had mentioned the clawfoot tub in the master bath and how hed always wanted one of those#had pointed out the big windows and how bright the space will always be#he thinks about how theyd looked at the listing and looked through the pictures and how after the real estate had done the#virtual walkthrough with them buck had turned to face eddie with a big smile on his face and had said#its perfect eddie#and now eddie is in el paso in this house that buck loves#hes standing in this house that has buck written all over it and he cant#he cant live here. he cant stay in el paso in this house that will never be a home#the people who are his home arent in it#chris wont ever playfully throw popcorn at him during movie nights#buck wont fall asleep halfway through a movie with eddie taking one look at his snoring form and deciding to fall asleep next to him here#because el paso will always be a faint echo of la#a reminder of something he already has somewhere else#a home. a family.#no matter what he does el paso wont ever feel like home#not if he finds a perfect house. not if he joins the epfd. not if he devotes his life to staying in his sons life the best he can#el paso wont ever feel like home when half of his home is in la waiting for him#and chris to come back#he already has a perfect home. he just needs to bring it all back together#and so eddie takes another look around the house and stops imagining what his furniture will look like in it and makes a decision.#he smiles and says to the agent#well. my husband and i decided we arent ready to leave la. i just wanted to take one last look at this place#but anyway what do you have available for short term rent for two people?#me thinks
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the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.
I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....
every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....
#talkys#this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did#there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way#but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset...#i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish#i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above#in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good?#isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than...#i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish#and because im no better than anyone else#my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck#pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day#i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!!#and it is true....!#we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish#i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler.#*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim#i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....
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For all Ive said about nonhumanity being like transness... took me a hot minute to realise the dysphoria im having lmfao. no normal person this side of the galaxy is feeling grossly out of place in their own body because it settled naturally into a head, two arms, and two legs. Im not even thinking about species. This isnt an attempt to be something Im not, its a continuous "my brain isnt aligning with my body". I feel so intensely like Im being forced to appear like this in order to be respected/considered normal/not shunned or feared or otherwise repulsing those around me. god.
i hear my voice monotoned and string-instrument-esque and it sounds so unnatural. i see eyes and nose and mouth and all i can think is, even when i look like what humans would call completely inhuman, how human it is. Sorry. Four limbs and a head and standing upright? So human. Speech in a linear singular voice? So human. ugh. god.
#here's where i decide to let myself settle more naturally or keep forcing myself into a humanoid shape huh#~abyssal murmurs#I dont hate humans just like i dont hate women. But i look at my bodies and... physically all the ways im womanly invoke the#same feelings as looking at my astral bodies and all the ways im human. its so... its dysphoria lmfao its the exact same experience#its the exact same ''i expected to see something different. im not in the right body. theres no shame in my body but this isnt what i am#and i keep forgetting i am stuck in this form'' like. yeah biology does that#i love humans. but the intensely gross and out of control and ''i swear two minutes ago i wasnt this'' and so on feelings are...#Like its not ''humans are gross'' the gross feeling comes like nausea at being in a foreign body that doesnt align with who#you feel and know you are. My physical body?? If it was someone elses Id be attracted to it - actually I have proof of that lmfao -#and Id say theres nothing wrong with it. but its intensely not me in subtle ways. the way it grows fat and where. the roundness of features#the etc etc so-called feminine features. The way my astral body settles into human-like configurations...#ugh. god. coming back from being the almadia Im about ready to never take a fucking human form again - and thats the thing#its dysphoria as in i could be in a Considered Nonhuman Form like i said and still all i can feel and see are things im not even consciousl#thinking of. Ive been annoyed tonight about my understandings of reality coming from The Other Side Of The Galaxy - I am intensely#missing home. And like. theres a whole lot of. shit to deal with in regards to waking up as an incarnation#because you are not you. You are decidedly not you. The more you wake up to You the more you realise youve spent hundreds of thousands of#years vs 20 odd ones this life as something - im so tired man#im a force of change and dysphoria is a bane of my existence because its so tightly knotted into the strings of Cannot Control#its based on ''my own /body/. not my life. my /body/. my selfhood. is not in my control and will always be controlled by#other peoples opinions of it and they will always pilot it into boxes without my consent that i dont agree with because everyone else can#do with my body what they want and i can do nothing''#does every damn trauma and bad event in my life need to be underlined by rape trauma yes apparently so
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I love adderall <- guy who has been on adderall for one day
#I feel great but not like when im drunk or high like. I still feel like myself but I can actually focus and not get distracted by things#like. usually music I don't know or like is incredibly distracting and frustrating to me but today I didn't care AT ALL#it was just a thing in my environment that didn't affect me???? I could just focus on what I was doing even though bad music was playing??#and like. getting ready this morning once the adderall started to work I just went so fast and had no downtime between tasks#like I had time to do EXTRA CHORES before work. WHAT.#and even then I still spent like 10 minutes reading before I left. what the hell man#and then during my training at work it was so easy to just pay attention to stuff and just to think about what I needed to think about#yesterday every time I had a gap in the conference I would read on my phone even if it was for like 2 seconds#today I just sat and waited and I didn't need something else to occupy me. crazy#and it wasn't like sitting and waiting normally either like usually if I have to do that I think about my current hyperfixation#but today I was just. my brain was QUIET#I didn't even THINK about transformers on the clock literally what the hell#anyway adderall is magic and ive only had very mild side effects so far (needing to pee more and getting dehydrated faster)#very acceptable trade-offs I can handle bathroom breaks and more water if it means I can function like this#is this what literally every day is like for neurotypical people???? they can just focus on things??? if so I am like. I'm sorry?????#btw high in the first tag refers to being high on laughing gas at the dentist lmao I have never done weed in my life
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i told my sister she should not cough so much when trying to throw up bc it can increase chances of aspiration, for more success she could start heaving from the stomach
"yeah well i dont know how to do that🙄"
what? heave? yse your abdominal muscles? are you fucking stupid?
#istg she comes home says shes sick and acts like she's never been sick a day in her life#she gets pissy when i offer advice bc what else tf am i supposed to do here#now she complains about no food being ready 'im so tired i was working all day then johanna wanted to hang out n get bubble tea' ok?#theres leftovers from the other day HEALTHY STUFF theres vegetables and chicken you can put in the fucking microwave 30 secs boom supper#and theres tuna i mixed with mayonnaise there on the counter and a baked potato on the stove for you do not fucking say that theres nothing#not when ive been the only one cooking here for more than just myself. every time she makes something for her supper im an afterthought#but the minute i dont make something for her (DVEN THOUGH I FUCKING DID) she gets pissed#im like a fucking maid in my own house and she complains about me#she got mad at me last night when i said 'my house' to my twin sisters friend bc 'my (sic) names on the bills' like bitch im paying you#for those still. and im listed as a tenant shut the fuck up. it IS my house. yes it's our house but it is still my house also#i clean this place i turn the heat up and down ive washed the dishes 8 out of 10 times im always making supper#i do the laundry i fold her shit too. the rare chance she does the laundry she never folds it and only takes her shit out the dryer#she did the laundry yesterday and oh whats this? all the clothes smell like rubber for some weird fucking reason im sick of her#she never does anything except buy groceries once in a while#all she does is go to her room when she gets home and thats it#funk's record log
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tag vent tw
#codependence#i honestly thought my absolute everything was based on one relationship#based my entire life off of it#told myself id just stop things completely#id end it if i lost him#but now that it's finally happened... fuck#it still stings from time to time but the way things have gone has made me happier than ever#im still worried abt. i was out of a relationship for ages and desperate to get with anyone when i met him... i was feeling horrible and#crushing on what felt like everybody i met. it wasnt healthy#but i think the way things ended have ... made all the difference#i need to learn to love myself before im ready to love somebody else is what ive realized#i told myself so many times how badly i hate myself#how badly i want everything to stop and how badly i needed him to fight on#but now that its happened. ive learned a lot#ive learned so much in a week its really overwhelming#but i can do better#i can take what he gave me and make something amazing#it gives me some pride after all#i dont know if he hates me but#well#one day ill try to make him proud#i dont wanna end back up in that relationship issue but#im gonna learn how to take the whole fucking world on#how to love myself and to love the world#thank you#tw vent#toni morrison#song of solomon
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