#in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good?

[skunkes]

the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....

every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....

[waywardsalt]

:3

[pxperplxnets]

puppy love

summary: kimi and y/n are constantly teased about their feelings for each other

pairing: kimi x reader

word count: 849

warnings: none

lowercase intended!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

being surrounded by boys at all times was hard. even more when all of them treat you like a sister, which meant that mockery was more than common. the only person that didnt treat y/n like a sister was kimi, and everyone seemed to notice it but her.

since y/n had joined prema, a certain brown haired boy had been pinning over her constantly. of course, he didn’t know that she saw him the same way. everyone noticed and made it clear for them, but they both refused to admit it.

in this particular day, y/n sat with sebastian and hamda, who were chatting away about something she didn’t quite understand. not that she was paying attention anyways. she was too busy looking at kimi, who was talking to one of the engineers a couple tables away.

“you do understand that looking at him wont do anything, right?” sebastian asked, making the girl look back at him. “i don’t know what youre talking about” she tried to deny “im talking about how you and kimi constantly drool over each other but won’t admit it” hamda nodded at his words. “he doesnt drool over me” she insisted “yes he does, its kinda sad at this point” y/n rolled her eyes before directing them towards the boy again, deciding to ignore sebastian.

their eyes met for a split of a second before he looked back at the man he was talking to, red as a tomato.

“look at you, all red because she’s staring at you,” the man said, laughing at his blushed face. “she is not” he defended, looking at her direction only to see her focused on whatever hamda was saying. “you gotta go for it, mate. if not, you will lose your chance with her” kimi felt a hand on his shoulder and looked back at his opposite. “whatever, lets focus on the data.”

the days passed by and kimi and y/n seemed to be having the same interactions with everyone. people teased them endlessly and tried to talk some sense into them, but it did nothing more than annoy the two teenagers.

y/n found herself basically running away from conrad and kirill the moment they got distracted. they had been teasing her about her crush for what felt like hours and she couldn’t take it anymore.

she headed for the driver’s bus, knowing that there was no one there. on the other hand, kimi seemed to have the same idea.

“oh, sorry” she said as she opened the door and noticed there was someone there already. kimi recognized her voice immediately and turned rapidly to see her “its okay” her heartbeat slightly picked up when she noticed who it was.

“is everything okay?” he asked, wondering why she was in such a rush “yeah, just trying to run away from conrad and kirill” she chuckled. he smiled at her laugh, it truly was one of the prettiest sounds he had ever heard. “why?” he furrowed his eyebrows slightly “they are being more annoying than normal, well, everyone is” she let go an exasperated sigh, pushing herself up to seat on one of the tables. “i know right!” he agreed.

“what are they annoying you about?” y/n asked after a couple second of silence, wanting to keep the conversation going “uhm… they have this idea that you like me” his words were almost whispers. “oh…” her tone matched his “i know it’s not true, don’t worry” he smiled weakly, looking down at the floor.

y/n didn’t know what to say. she wanted him to know it was true, but she was scared. what if he didnt like her back? what if he laughed at her face? she knew he wouldn’t do that, he was too nice, but it still scared her.

fuck it.

“what if it wasn’t a joke?” she asked suddenly, making kimi look up at her. “what?” he looked so confused, it was kind of adorable. “what if i actually did like you? how would you react?” he didn’t want to believe what was happening, it must have been a cruel joke. “you don’t though, right?” he was scared, if it was a joke, it wasn’t funny. “i do.” y/n wasn’t scared anymore. she was already doing it and she wasn’t going to back off now.

there was silence for a moment. she was looking at him expectantly, trying to decipher what he thought. “i like you too” his words resonated in her head.

he liked her back.

“good.” she smiled. he smiled back at her, and just as he was about to say something else the door slammed open. “fucking finally!” arthur cheered, causing the large group of people behind him to cheer. y/n covered her face in embarrassment while kimi smiled at her gesture before approaching the door and closing it on their faces without a word. he turned to her, moving her hands off her face softly before pecking her lips shyly. she chuckled at his shyness before enveloping him in a hug.

-----------------------------------------------

REUPLOAD

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 173 spoilers and thoughts but it's mostly just me getting tonal whiplash but not in a bad way i actually like this and more below the cut

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sorry i keep doing this (i.e. yelling about the very last panel of the ep instead of going chronologically) but i wanted to show this last panel first,,, idk how many alilloyd fans there are on tged-tumblr (tgedblr?) but i believe they'll be very happy about this panel and probably the next ep or so LOL

she's there for him again YAYYY YAYYYY but also what how did she get here WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?? HELP??

hopefully whatever happens after this will help alicia and lloyds relationship feel more balanced (rn its like fine but it definitely doesnt carry the same weight as llovier to me, simply bc we dont really see alicia and lloyd relying on each other in the same way javier and lloyd do - idk how else to put this but the "power balance" in their relationship feels different than lloviers if that makes sense, bc so often lloyd is doing things for alicia and that's just It yknow?)

anyway back to the top! we've got some really really nice panels of lloyd i just really like these in general,,, i like when he looks determined and serious and focused,,, it is cute

also explicitly mentioning this while also showing alicia IN the unfrozen time bubble with lloyd DOES make me worry a lil bit,,, what if smth happens,,, does fate still affect them when Most of the time across the world is frozen?? im scared,,, but also excited for more alicia lloyd scenes i can explain why in a bit,,, but also scared,,,

tyrant alicia looks cool as ever tho holy shit im VERY glad that the artist gave her a full set of armor and everything, so often we see fantasy stylized women's armor that really doesn't protect anything at all but alicia's armor is really nice and clean i like it,,,

also another panel of lloyd being cringe and javier being embarrassed,,, they're so stupid i love them . LET LLOYD BE CRINGE LET HIM BE FREE

this bit w artanis and the family was also super duper cute,,, little sillies,,, like treats,,,

seems like everyone will be safe for the time that they are frozen,,, thats good!!! at least i hope i am understanding this correctly

also thinking a LOT about these two panels bc,,, not only bc i really like how he looks in the second panel here, but also,,, well as i was reading this i hadnt realized that lloyd would be going off by HIMSELF to the mountains,,, i thought javier would go with him (bc he always does,,,)

i talked abt this when i reacted on twitter but like. javier asks if he's going by himself and lloyd goes "yeah it's fine" and javier doesn't question it, we don't see him objecting or anything,,, bc of course, lloyd will stay safe. that's what he says, so that's what'll be true. javier is also perfectly aware that lloyd can't be harmed by monsters, he's a sword master and has his singing. so the knight lets him go, bc this is a lloyd with a plan, and javier trusts his lord. but also it seems like javier doesnt really realize what exactly it is that lloyd is subjecting himself too. idk if he realizes that every time lloyd freezes time THATS whats freezing his heart; all the knight knows is that lloyd is dying, but the engineer has a solution so surely it's okay (it's not, lloyd is DYING IN THE COLD). jesus fuck

like i imagine if javier realized what exactly it is thats causing lloyd to Die is the exact stuff he's doing to stop fate and save everyone, he'd object immediately and try to find something else,,, but lloyd you fucking MARTYR u dont even say anything abt it and u GO OFF ALONE IN THE COLD WHAT ARE DOING WHAT ARE YOU COOKING. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!! MARTYRS ALL OF YOU!!!

also lloyd saying he's happy god fucking dammit. he has a goal and he's close to achieving it and all his loved ones are safe,,, that's probably the best feeling in the world to him that's the reason why he does like everything,,, it's just to protect what he cares about,,, this tiny lil smile i am going to shake him in a box

"lucky! this is perfect" AS HE'S DYING LLOYD YOU. YOUUUU YOU OYUU SHAKES YOU STOPP IT YOU FUCKING M. MARTYR!!!!

why is he like this. well okay i know why but like what the FUCK. i am pelting ten billion stones at him. risking his damn life AGAIN to protect everyone. leaving javier at the estate and not telling him what the deal is so that javier can be protected too bc thats where artanis is,,, all his loved ones in one place to keep them safe I HATE IT HERE /j

DOUBLY LOSING IT AT HIS FIRST THOUGHT, THE MOMENT HE GETS IN TROUBLE, IS TO CALL FOR JAVIER. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO ADD TO THAT I JUST THINK THAT SAYS SO MUCH ABT THEIR RELATIONSHIP

"ah, im dying! the first thing i think is not how to solve this myself, nor is it of my parents or of my skills, but of my longtime companion who has always been there for me and thus will help me when i call for him! and i think of him immediately!" points accusatory finger LLOVIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay i was gonna end the post there but i scrolled back up to review and realized i forgot to actually explain why i am excited for more alicia lloyd scenes so that's gonna go here now i guess LMFAOO

i really really hope that alicia and lloyd have a closer, more quiet moment to talk about their respective lives and history with losing loved ones and feeling isolated as a result. i WAS gonna talk abt that in a dedicated alicia post but i guess itll make a cameo here too lol

bc if u think abt it, suho and alicia both went through very very devastating losses. they both lost the lives of the people who cared for them most, and in very very tragic ways (suho's parents committed, and alicia's parents were slaughtered / alicia's brothers put her in a 'kill or be killed' situation). it's really unfortunate, it's life-altering, and it follows you,,, and then the isolation that comes after that makes it all even worse.

of course, we see suho very explicitly going through throes of isolation through endless work, endless school, and the sheer struggle to just survive to the next day by himself, with no family to support him. obviously, we don't see alicia explicitly having this experience, but i think it'd be reasonable to believe that after the death of her family,,, it was just her. she lost her parents and her brothers, and now she's the only one with the magentano name, and you can't exactly have an empty mantle now can you?

she probably didn't really have anyone to talk to about this. probably just a bunch of old coots on that board of nobles, who have to help her with this "being queen" thing, u cant exactly talk abt ur trauma to people who are technically working for u, who care more abt their status in the kingdom than anything else. and at such a young age, too... like yeah she's surrounded by people technically, but how many people around her actually care for HER, and not for her new status as crown princess? and then as queen? like no wonder tyrant alicia comes to be because of a betrayal from kyle, no wonder she's worried abt letting lloyd into her heart. she's probably been worried about betrayal from a loved one all her life bc of what her brothers did,,, that must be so isolating, and lonely.

so yes, i think alicia probably went through a long bout of isolation, too. and i think alicia and lloyd should Talk about it and have a heart to heart and go "jesus fuck we went through it,,, but we have found people we can rely on. and isn't that wonderful,,," and then alilloyd will have a wonderful leg to stand on yay

i WOULD go on longer about alicia in this rant but i wanted to save it for the post i was planning,,, i couldn't help myself this time though, bc it seemed relevant LOL

anyway i'll see u guys next week,,,!!! very curious to see where things go from here,,, pantara arc pulling shenanigans left and right!!!

[itsblasttothepast]

Its sad when no other driver besides Max, Esteban and Carlos cared enough for Checo to send him a message or being nice to him. Im surprised about Lance, he pointed out theyre friends or Alonso, its awful like they just can leave behind someone after so many years. Daniel got such nice messages, and here Max who doesnt even care about Checo said something. Ive seen you posting things from other blogs but you havent said what you think about it, do you think this was fair?

Oh wow... a lot going on with this ask, so I'm going to answer separately as I see fit, I hope that's okay anon.

First, the message thing: I think the rest of the grid is waiting for Checo to announce something official, either his retirement of his future plans. For what I remember (but feel free to correct me, as I don't recall well), Ricciardo made a post about his retirement, right? Like making it official?

Esteban was the first (even before Max) in posting a message to Checo because he's nice and always respected Checo (even when it didn't seem like it when they were teammates). Max I feel had to do it because they were teammates, he had PR to mantain (I'm not saying it wasn't something Max would do, but in context, it would be bad taste if he didn't), and Carlos probably thought the same, as Checo has been close to him (not in a BFF way, but still). And they refer mostly to his exit from RBR, and Esteban and Carlos said they will see him again in his next journey, so... I would take with a grain of salt this topic.

If he does announce something and then the drivers still don't answer or say anything about it, then I'll be very disappointed, particularly with Lance, Fernando, Lewis and Nico.

Secondly, the posts: I have reblogged what I see portrays my feelings about this whole situation. Personally, I believe my thoughts are still too raw and emotional, so I probably would make zero sense and just ramble. There's too much I want to say, and so little order in my head. Which is why I take advantage of those who can put in words better what we as Checo fans are going through.

Thirdly, do I think it's fair? Anon, nothing about this is fair, but as Checo said, life isn't fair and neither is F1. People complaining about a driver just because he was in a particular team, wishing for him to be dead and sending threats to his family, to his kids who are innocent from all this drama... Calling him names, saying he has cartel money without caring what it would mean to his family. Spending all year trying his best with a shitty car, being ignored and gaslighted by his bosses; believing in them when they offered a new contract, just to push him away from the team and making everything his fault, letting the press destroy his image and his confidence, to the breaking point of having to leave and break the contract, and still being the bad guy and blame him for everything that went wrong. Leaving and yet they still talk about him, say awful things and then adding 'he's still part of the team, he will be our puppet next year for certain events'... of course it's not fair.

Checo was treated horrible, and nobody seems to see this, except his fans and the fans of the other drivers RBR has discarded the past years. I've read that he knew what he was getting into when he stayed at RBR, but this year... this takes the cake as the psychological horrors a person can live on the job; and for Checo to want to stay and don't give up, but at the end the choices being staying and maybe damaging himself beyond repair, or quitting and regain some of the mental health he left behind the past years... I think he made the right choice, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell.

Because Checo is more than RBR, he was a driver pushing his limits, making himself a place in the grid when nobody wanted him there. And as his fans, seeing his journey to the top and now seeing how they tried to destroy him... it makes something in you feel like bad guys win all the time.

So, yeah... I think I rambled a lot, but you wanted my opinion, and I'm maybe not as eloquent as the ones I've reblogged so far, but my thoughts are still so disoriented.

Whatever Checo decides, I'm with him all the way, but if this is the end, if he decides to retire, is not fair he had to do it like this, without the opportunity to actually enjoy his last year driving. And it will leave a sour taste in me always.

[starving-marauder-lover]

olay so yh i want to start off and say that this isnt jester nor did they (i fgoror jester’s pronouns mb) condone this for me to say

but uh. i just want to tell you that maybe making a playlist trying to get them to leave you alone isnt the most mature thing? like you said you werent doing very well mentally when you dumped them, and from an outsider’s perspective it seemed very random. it makes sense that they would want answers and try to contact you :/

im not trying to say youre bad or anything or that you dont have the right to joke around, but maybe just keep that into consideration?

also you just broke up with them earlier this week and are already talking to someone new, which isnt bad and doesnt make you bad, just it makes sense why jester might not be feeling great

all i want to say is try to put yourself in their shoes before kinda running their name through the dirt and making fun of them :/

sorry if this is weird i’ve just been in a similar situation and i felt horrible for the way i treated my ex afterwards, and i dont want you to do the same thing and feel the same regrets

hey so thats not about jester actually

I don't know anything about what jesters doing or what he's posting because I cut contact

i didnt want to hurt him anymore bc I wasn't in a good place

that was about an ex who has been causing me a lot of stress lately and actually someone irl whos friends have been harrasing me and texting me constantly. he's making playlists about me and dm'ing my friends to try and get back with me even though we dated 4 months ago. we didn't even date for two weeks and he's still being like this.

my therapist and i had to talk a lot about it today

i want this to be clear I would NEVER make fun of jester, he was amazing and perfect and sososo sweet he didn't deserve someone as shitty as me. so uh, yeah get the whole story before you comment on it? its my life and when I was talking about this ex earlier I specified it wasn't jester.

jester doesnt even have spotify so yeah

i haven't been joking around about jester and have been trying to stay positive cause I was about to be sent away when I broke up with him

yeah idk what else to say but that wasn't about jester its about a different ex whos been causing me a lot of stress and anxiety, I really just want him to leave me alone but he wont.

[celestie0]

Best way to start off 2025 is with a new chapter of IHM 🥹 I hope you’re feeling much better btw! Food poisoning is a bitch to deal with so I hope the recovery is going well 🥹

I DID NOT except THAT being the Gojo family lore drop holy shit. There’s so much to unpack that even the Gojo’s haven’t started on and it breaks my heart seeing how they tip toe around the topic. The vibes I got are: plaster that smile on your face and keep the convos cute which… yeah it be like that for a lot of us 😭

Sana get behind me, PLEASE. I love that reader was her anchor throughout the evening keeping her sane. It’s miserable feeling like you’re the only person in your own corner so I can’t imagine what she’s been feeling like every gathering before now. I’m hoping that reader and Sana develop a good friendship because I think the two of them could really be good for each other and I love women supporting women 🥰 and Sana needs someone in her corner if reader’s intuition is correct (and we know it is 😭).

Gojo has been so reserved this chapter, which is fine considering this is probably the most vulnerable place location wise he has been so far. He’s always been very calm and collected but after this dinner, it definitely makes sense why he’s like that. He reminds me of how I handle things (as the oldest sibling, I’m usually the one that has to have their shit together and keep the peace) so I got those vibes from him (I could also just be projecting lmao). Instead of talking about it, he seems to avoid it altogether. We still don’t have the whole story so I’m making some assumptions about his person as a whole, but it’s been so interesting to see this family dynamic in action.

Reader, hang in there 😭 I remember slipping once and saying something extremely raunchy in front of my in laws and I wanted to bury myself… but it’ll pass and become a cute little anecdote for dinner in the future. It’s also cute seeing her thought process when she’s questioning why she cares about how Gojo perceives her appearance and who the girl he took to homecoming was (that side bangs image is bringing ME back to my school years 😭). It’s little things like these that build up their relationship that make me feel all warm and fuzzy. The small physical things like their bodies gravitating towards each other at dinner (her knee touching his thigh, almost leaning on his shoulder), Gojo placing his hand on her back, etc is absolute PEAK 😩 you apologized for the lack of romance but I’m HERE for the small things.

I’m probably forgetting a couple things but I fear this ask is getting too long and I don’t wanna overwhelm you 😭 I wanna say, I appreciate every word you put out for us and I’ll continue to do so for as long as you’re willing to share with us! Your talent for writing immersive and realistic scenes keeps me afloat and I’m thankful I get to read it. I hope 2025 treats you incredibly well and I cannot wait to see how the rest of this story plays out 🥰

Have a great week and I hope you feel better soon ❤️

HIII makimais dear i’m so sorry for the late response on this :”) but thansk you SO much for the insight ask aaa i look forward to your ihm reviews so much <33

awh in happy you enjoyed the budding friendship btwn sana and reader <3 reader keeps saying she doesnt want to get too involved in the whole marriage yet she’s privy to sana’s feelings! i loved the idea of having that sort of “perfect family” resolve crumble slowly throughout the chap so it was a lot of fun to write :)

oh no you’re absolutely collect, that’s what i was going for w the whole older sibling thing! im a youngest myself but a couple of my close friends are eldest siblings and they have often shared w me the obstacles that comes with…especially when you’ve had to kinda step up into that parental role! he was absolutely reserved in that chapter n for a reason

yippeee im glad you’re enjoying the small lil romances btwn them <3 i LOOOVEEE when characters just gradually get closer together n before they realize it theyre in love 😩😩 that’s that good shit right there

you’re so sweet bb n omg never hesitate to send me stuff i love hearing your insights :””) have a lovely day my dear!

[electrificata]

here are my house observations, im in season 3

some of the shit house says to foreman is genuinely unforgivable

foreman as a character i generally like. omar epps is giving a good performance of an even-keeled-but-not-without-effort kind of guy, i do like the plotline of a guy who came to learn from an expert whos the worst guy in the world and trying to figure out how to do the same thing without being the worst guy in the world. i also think they way they keep him out of hospital love triangles is racist, foreman is not currently hot but could be with 15% more attention from the writers room.

really sexist as a general rule. i have not encountered the idea of "jailbait" this much in literal years.

hipster racism. its the 2000s. funny to talk abt this because "hipsters" were younger at this point and the character of house is, im assuming, in his mid 40s at the start of the show, but thats the general logic that seems to be on display. "well you know that he's a good guy so its ironic and funny that he's threatening to use the n word as a joke."

a) stupid logic to begin with, doing something ironically is also just doing it, b) doesnt even work on its own terms here because house is widely acknowledged to be an awful person in the context. the entire show is built around the question "how much deliberately annoying, dangerous bullshit will we endure from this dickhead to maintain access to his unique skillset"

i still dont "get" house/wilson. like i do see it, like i can see that theyre a little obsessed with each other and they have a fun mutually manipulative dynamic, and they make sense as foils (guy who's self-consciously awful and often ends up doing noble things accidentally/guy who's self-consciously noble and often deliberately does awful things). but i cannot feel myself going insane about it. if anything i like him better with cuddy

cuddy really really hot. really really really hot. cuddy.

so like yeah i see house/wilson im just not going insane about it the way i thought i might. altho tbh it took a global pandemic and a extended, byzantine renaissance of tumblrina supernatural scholarship to make me have a destiel spiral. i need infrastructure for these things.

cameron's character is such an old school token girl character. i hate how they treat her "niceness" almost as much as i hate how they treat her crush on house.

a better show (written by me) would have some more cuddy and foreman "managing" house plotlines (foreman being a protege allows focus on the legacy of house's medicine, how to replicate it, how to contain damage), probably give him some of the cuddy and wilson time. the three of them together would be good i could do that.

cuddy/foreman. hm. in the remake.

like, i do get how this happened. house is troubled in a durable, interesting way. the writing is good enough to support his layers, the way his snap-judgement psychoanalysis of everyone he meets curls back around to shine a light on his own issues. good balance of competence and patheticness. laurie is giving a masterclass in the niche field of "british comedian comes to us tv drama, grows some stubble, becomes a sex symbol." i read an old review that referred to his "sourpuss charisma" i really like that turn of phrase.

(i was also into josh on the west wing when i watched that last year, i have a type i love antagonism. no im not dating anyone right now, who wants to take me for a candlelit dinner and tell me i smell good and my voice is sexy) (you cant just compliment me, ill be bored or uncomfortable, you have to bury it in a disagreement and make it clear youre kind of mad that youre into me)

that said i think the show kind of misunderstands house's sex appeal. it feels very written-by-men. women characters throw themselves at house in a porny kind of take-me-now way. in my observations guys who are arent traditionally hot but attractive in this antagonistic, talky was dont really get that kind of treatment, but they do get the main cast wilson/cuddy/cameron "i hate this guy but im obsessed with him and i will never make a move or i will and itll go badly" kind of stuff. my phantom house reboot does have cameron and house hook up and its a really mean and destructive fwb thing with like 4 false endings. does this make sense.

right now im in the middle of the plotline where leighton meester plays a 17 yr old girl stalking house because shes so in love. like thats not the vibe. at least from what ive seen. im not omniscient.

lol it turns out she has a spore makign her hypersexual lolllll i literally have this on in the background rn ok i take some of this back.

whenever i mention to someone im watching house theyll recount to me the plot of the one episode they can remember and it always sounds insane and its never made up.

"the one with the intersex teen model who fucks her dad to manipulate him and has testicular cancer" like yeah. yeah thats real. if you talked to me 3 weeks ago thatd be the one i recounted to you.

yes house does leer at her in that episode and its treated as logical and normal for a 45 year old man.

i hate chase, he's awful but boring.

im curious how long im gonna keep watching this, i know the later seasons get kind of soapy plotwise and i dont know if thats what i want out of this

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

@intertexts OKAY. FINALLY GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER AND WRITING THIS ALL DOWN SO ITS NOT JUST ROTATING IN MY BRAIN ANYMORE

NEW HAVEN WARDS MARK WINTERS ESSAY (except its more like. stream of consciousness me being insane over him)

>> its been too long, simurgh is too close. she fucking ROCKS half the city with an earthquake before she shows up. ashe runs inside as the roof collapses. his mom is trapped- she had grabbed her phone and some other small essentials and was on her way out when she got pinned by the rubble. ive typed this part out already in another post but as shes yelling at ashe trying to get him to leave, she realizes he wont go by himself so she texts mark . its kind of a shot in the dark- part of her hopes he hasnt evacuated yet so he can come get ashe and get him to safety, but she immediately feels this sense of dread for thinking like that because then that also means he's in as much danger as they are. and she can hear the singing now- some tiny part of her brain logically knows its too late and theyll be trapped by the quarantine protocols anyway, but. they can still get out of that alive. they just need to get there. anyway the important thing here is that the last thing ever hears from his wife is a text that says "ashe athome cant lea e come get hjm"

adding jonesys stupid fucking image in here bc it's so funny to me and is fr how I felt typing this whole thing up for like 4 hours

>> okay going to try my hardest to keep this chronological but i KNOW i will get distracted from that halfway through. starting from the simurgh attack. assuming simurgh attacks look pretty similar to each other, ive been imagining this a lot like the one we actually got to see with the travelers. the notice to evacuate went out in the early afternoon. (im going to say on a wednesday because thats the day i used in my fic and this is OUR AU i get to make the emotionally devastating rules. not that that matters to anyone but me. its a little treat.) so. mark was at work, ashe was at school, i like 2 think ashes mom works in somehting to do with old things or books or whatever so she was probably at work too. her IMMEDIATE thought is to go get ashe from school, because of course it is! (worldbuilding side note i think there are probably evac protocols in place for schools where. first priority is to keep the kids Togehter and get them out first so theyre SUPPOSED to evacuate straight from there and then meet up with their parents when everything is safe. but in a real emergency what parent is going to trust that and just leave their kids safety up to someone else?) she gets to the school and it is absolute chaos with all of the other parents trying to do the same thing. she gets ashe, goes to call mark to tell him where they are and- oh, yeah. she forgot her phone at home this morning. i just. like. the mundanity in that. its a normal morning, she maybe woke up late and had to rush out the door, got to work realized she didnt have her phone, had the thought like "damn thats frustrating. oh well, not like ill need it, ill just get it when im home later" we've all had days like that!!!!!!!!! but it becomes fucking heartbreaking in this situation because it means she now has No Way of contacting her husband to let him know that she has ashe and to tell him not to go to the school (because hes probably thinking the same thing) and to get out and where to meet them when theyre out. she KNOWS its a bad idea, she knows it would be catastrophic if they took too long... but all the other cars are going in the opposite direction, the road back is completely empty, surely they can be fast enough? she knows exactly where she left it, itll take two seconds and hey maybe the roads will be empty enough at that point they can get out even faster. so they fucking RUSH back home. she tells ashe to stay in the car wiht the doors locked while she runs inside.. he is scared and confused and doesnt want to be alone so after. maybe 30 seconds of her being gone he gets out of the car and goes inside.

>> switching to mark pov finally. evac notice goes out, he fucking books it to his car. but because its important to me that hes a little bit of a coward. this is where he hesitates. he knows he should find his family. meet up with them, make sure theyre all okay and they all make it out together. he's also logical. he knows this is a bad idea and his wife's job is closer to the school, shes probably already got ashe and theyre on their way out too. he can just leave. but he hasnt heard anything from her. thats not like her, she would call or something if they were okay, wouldnt she? so he kind of. panics over what he should do. he starts driving, telling himself he'll make up his mind on the road. hes about halfway to the end of the quarantine zone when he gets the text. has a moment of "fuck why are they there?" before immediately deciding to go get them. finds the aftermath of ashe's trigger. ashe is in breaker state, unresponsive except for... why is he laughing. hes sitting on the floor, knees up to his chest hands over his head jsut kind of. staring into the middle distance eyes unfocused quietly loopy laughing like hes totally unaware of the. scene.

>> mark is like. frozen there for a minute obviously horrified and he thinks ashe is having some kind of mental break at the shock and horror (he doesnt. understand that ashe killed her yet) until he goes and tries to get him to stand up and . oh the floor is unstable and bouncy like a trampoline and as soon as he touches ashe's shoulder hes knocked back by a pain in his hand that suspiciously feels like a joybuzzer turned up to 11. okay! fuck! his kid is a fucking parahuman and his wife is dead and the singing in his head just keeps getting louder and he knows what that means and he knows they have to get the hell out of there but hows he gonna do that when he cant get within 5 feet of ashe-

>> i think he just has to like. sit there and talk to ashe. which is a uniquely horrible punishment because it kills so much time in a situation where they need to get out, now, and the whole time theyre in the same room with whats left of a bloody corpse (but he cant think about that right now) and he has to be calm and keep his voice low because every sudden movement makes ashe's powers flare up again in response to a perceived threat- its MESSY, its SLOW its TERRIBLE but he needs ashe to calm down enough that he can actually talk to him and get him out. he eventually does (it feels like hours later, it was probably only like.. 10 minutes) and the weird distortions stop and mark just. runs forward and picks him up and takes him out to the car before ashe can. see what else is in the room.

>> he doesnt even bother putting ashe in another seat in the car he just holds him in his lap as he drives (oh god there are wings in the sky) just. as fast as he fucking can to whatever checkpoint or hospital or safe zone there is for any survivors. theres. not many. enough that the two of them can get lost in the crowd if they try hard enough but . not enough to fill an auditorium. he's maybe got a bunch of really small scrapes or bruises from the process of trying to get ashe to calm down but he doesnt know whether ashe is actually hurt or not so he goes to find some sort of medical attention and the whole time hes thinking "maybe this is a bad idea. i shouldnt tell them ashe has powers what if they take him away" and he gets the same sort of rundown about quarantine and payment that krouse got and mark is just standing there fucking shaking, hes still carrying ashe, he hasnt put him down since they left the house (ashe is still out of it- not because of his powers but because of. everything) and i think thats the breaking point where mark makes up his mind like. fuck this. we cant stay here, we cant go through all of the bullshit protocols, we cant wait that long (he can still hear simurgh in his head- what if shes pushing him to make this choice? is that exactly what she wants? who cares im getting my son somewhere safe)

>> i think mark is really good at. compartmentalizing and pushing down any emotion thats not anger and turning to logic in panic situations rather than emotion. so he hasnt like. fully processed any of this yet. he was more focused on "solve the problem, get out, get safe" to actually think about the fact that. oh my wife is dead. ashe doesnt have a mom anymore. ashe has powers now. how is he gonna deal with a powered kid? he never really cared about capes what does he even do now? i dont think any of this hits him until theyre out of the quarantine zone hiding out somewhere safe (as safe as they can be after. all of that) and his head is quiet and ashe is asleep and he looks down at his phone and sees the text and it all comes crashing down like. oh my god that was real. shes gone. he doesnt even have anything of hers and he never will because their house is basically gone and they can never go back and- FUCK HIM UP!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK HIM UP i want him to have a fucking breakdown . villain origin story moment he realizes nothing is ever going to be okay or normal ever again because theyve been marked by simurgh and hes already broken a huge fucking law how much worse can it get? what else does he have to lose. everything in his life revolves around keeping them safe and keeping ashe out of danger. simurgh be damned if hes going to become an agent of chaos it might as well be on his own terms to protect whats left of his family.

>> i think they move around a lot after that, never staying in one place for too long, never doing anything that make people look at them too closely. mark does a bunch of odd jobs, but its hard to get a job when youre legally dead and have no experience with making a fake identity so. theres a lot of stealing. never anything that would garner cape attention, at least at first, and if people started to get too suspicious theyd just pack up and move again.

>> and then mark does something that DOES draw cape attention. idk what it would be, but it captures the attention of. a guy who knows a guy who works for overlord. hey man you seem like you could use a job. off the books. so he joins up as like a... foot soldier mercenary whatever for overlord. this job is risky- hes essentially a full time criminal now (but what does that matter, he already broke the law), he has to spend extended periods of time away from home, he has to kill people sometimes now... but the money is worth it. he's okay with being a number, a blank face in the crowd, because it means he wont get the immediate fallout if something goes wrong. that gets put on whoever his boss is. ashe is maybe 13/14 by this point, he can take care of himself at home. mark gives himself a limit, hes never going to be away from home for more than 3 days (which he eventually extends into 5 days, which then turns into a week-). he is. really fucking good at his job. hes smart, he can be ruthless when he needs to be, he's efficient. no identity means no friends which means no slacking off on the job. this is all he has, he needs this, so hes good at it.

>> he starts to move up the ranks, take bigger (but never riskier) jobs, and it catches overlord's attention. overlord offers him a promotion. offer being in air quotes here. he lays everything out plain and simple- youre good, youre going to join my personal elite team, i know who you are and why youre running. i can offer you an out, get you and your son (oh god oh fuck overlord knows about his kid) a new life, a new identity, nobody will have any reason to suspect you. and also in order to join you have to take this (cauldron vial!!! + canon parallel to the like. forced experimentation on harttawa)

>> mark doesnt want pwoers. he doesnt want to be a cape. but overlord knows about ashe, knows about their history, and if he turns down this offer theyre both fucked. so logic takes over emotion again and he accepts it, leans into the position, stays as fucking ruthless as ever. but its Different now. hes a cape, he has a secret identity, a name, people are Looking at him now, even if all they see is a costume.

>> silly sidebar for ME here but this period of time is where he meets tide :] forever thinking about ur nhw tidalwave post. fight to maim, not kill.

>> a couple years pass like this and its Fine. ashe is 17 now, mark knows hes fucked up (theyre both fucked up) but hes too deep into this job now to give it up. its kept them safe and in place for this long, he can fool himself into believing they can stay like this . ashe does not have the same train of thought. hes lonely, hes miserable, hes bored, he just wants to have a life! they fight a lot about this. they fight a lot about this and sometimes mark leaves in the middle of it because he gets called on a job so nothing ever gets resolved. they have a particularly rough fight and mark gets pulled away in the middle of it to answer a phonecall, and when he comes back ashe is still pissed but hes just so tired and defeated that hes like "listen. we'll deal with this later, i have to go for a few days, there are groceries in the fridge, do whatever you want, just stay here, be safe, dont be stupid" and then he leaves! and ashe is still pissed and his dad is a hypocrite (why does he get to go out and use his powers and put himself in dangerous situations when ashe gets in trouble for floating the tv remote to the kitchen table while hes eating breakfast, and never gets to leave the house or go to school or have friends or-) . and this is where he makes the decision to sneak out the first time!!

>> he starts sneaking out more often, usually only when he knows mark is gonna be gone for extended periods of time, he gets good at disabling the tinker devices, he has friends!! everything is good!!!! mark finds out when he gets home from a job early and ashe is gone. and he fucking freaks out, hes ready to tear up city streets, hes ready to go on a fucking rampage... but then he hears the window open as he climbs back into his room . its a big like. "oh shit" moment on ashes part, he doesnt think hes ever seen his dad this angry before, he threatens to put bars on the goddamn windows, etc (mark has a reason to be as angry as he does- if anything ever happens to ashe everything hes ever done will have been for nothing. but its still. harsh.)

>> i think once everything cools down from this they do have an actual talk about it that isnt a fight; ashe tells him he has friends now and he just wants to be normal, be a kid, he cant spend anymore time in his room its killing him knowing hes wasting his life like this etc. i think mark maybe reluctantly agrees to letting him go out with his friends (he doesnt know who they are yet, ive GOTTA believe he knows tide hes had to have fought or at least seen the wards before, theres no way he would say yes to this if he knew thats who ashe was talking about) but gives him strict like. dont use your powers ever, curfews and check in texts and a code system and its a little Too Much but ashe is just. giddy at all of it because !! curfews are a thing Normal kids get!! he gets to go hang out with his friends without the looming threat of sneaking out to do it !!!

>> ashe starts using his powers anyway because his friends are capes and !!! he is also technically a cape!! he can help!!!! i think he starts out by beggingggg to go on patrol with them sometimes (i wont even do anything, i just want to see what its like, you guys know i have powers too i can handle myself, dont be like my dad etc etc) i think the wards are pretty reluctant to do that bc they know what its really like but. man. its ashe. he deserves Something. it becomes more frequent and serious and the prt handler tells them they should recruit him.

>> mark is sooooooo fucking against ashe joining the wards. because of course he is he has to be. ESPECIALLY considering. hey. hes a villain, working for one of the most notorious villains in the city, being put in a situation where he has to choose between fighting his son or losing overlords protection is a HUGE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO. (he would choose to say fuck overlord with no hesitation, no way he would even consider the other option, but he also knows what kind of consequences a choice like that would have)

>> hey. actually. that gives me an idea. what if thats exactly the scenario that leads up to the whole trickster thing. overlord wants to be proactive, launch an attack on the wards, they just got a dangerous new member lets go see what kind of powers theyve got. mark obviosuly refuses. overlord does not take being told no very kindly. hey what if this is how mark gets the lizard stuff. instead of getting it as a side effect mutation of his powers, he pisses off overlord, the guy who has a morbid fascination with animal human hybrids and genetic experimentation. ive solved everything!!!!!! (<< guy who is fucking insane. please imagine me with mad science hair and crazy eyes as i am saying this. dr. cross who?)

>> mark effectively goes missing while overlord has him captive, ashe is freaked out because his dad has never left without telling him first, but maybe it was an emergency or whatever... until his hard limit on jobs passes. its been over a week and no contact whatsoever. hes gone. ashe gets fucked up about this

>> mark is unconscious for the entire trickster thing. he was unmasked for the experimentation so when the heroes come to clean up the aftermath they dont recognize him as one of the villains (tide does. tide doesnt tell anyone) and take him to. a hospital rather than prison. he is fuuuucked up when he wakes up. gotta adjust to a WHOLE lot of freaky lizard things. hes kind of out of it, understandably, so nobody... tells him. its only a few days later, when mark is more lucid and can stand on his own two feet without losing balance, and when he can see properly again, tide visits him (tide has been visiting him the whole time, not that he'd remember it much, because who else will. who else will!) tide tells him ashe is missing. he breaks the news as gently as he possibly can because its gonna be a shitshow either way (he knows how mark is gonna react no matter what. waiting doesnt help either because then hes just pissed that he was lied to for days ("you coudlnt even stand, how was i supposed to tell you then?" "i dont know, i wouldve done something. he could be anywhere by now")

>> mark goes sooooo rogue. he goes so very rogue. hes literally got nothing to lose anymore. the wards try to work with him, try to help him, because theyre looking for ashe too, but he thinks theyre too slow, too good, too afraid to do things that actually need to be done. he goes too far and gets put in the birdcage.

>> i think he probably loses it a little bit in the birdcage. hardcore despair depression that turns into just this awful terrible rage. hes mad at himself for not being able to stop it, hes mad at ashe because this is what he WARNED him about for YEARS and if he only would have listened, hes mad at the world, hes mad at SIMURGH . all nhw mark winters knows is be so full of grief and rage at all times

>> breaks out of the birdcage (still insane abt this btw) and goes back on his. sort of rampage. the wards stop him (tide is. retired at this point. that happened while mark was in jail) and they try to talk some sense into him, maybe they get him to slow down just a little bit, enough to tell him what theyve learned (not much). mark and everyone else eventually learn about muse. mark winters worlds most miserable man is watching every single one of his nightmares play out in front of him and he realizes this is what simurgh marked them for. hes watching his son, unmasked, level a fucking town in some gaudy outfit he knows ashe would never wear and hes calling himself muse and thats not what his laugh sounds like and

>> okay im a little more fuzzy past this point. i said this mostly joking before but i DO think there should be a moment where. mark is up against muse and hes trying to talk to ashe like he did that first night to get him out of breaker state and ashe gets one lucid moment where he just starts crying and babbling about losing marks jacket and hes so sorry but that only lasts about 2 minutes before trickster gets control of him again. this is the catalyst for them realizing that yeah, ashe IS still in there and it might be possible to break him out .

>> god. all of that was plot and i didnt even talk about Little Things which are my favorite. heres a collection of Little Things:

>> i want him to keep his weird terrible lizard biology <3 maybe its not as smooth a transition as in canon, maybe hes just got the scales and the eye and not. the tail or infrared sense or whatever. but he Could. as a Treat for Me.

>> i actually... ironically think mark is a better dad in this au than he is in canon. like. dont get me wrong hes still awful and he sucks but. hes working with the knowledge here that no matter what he does he and ashe are still doomed and hes always waiting for the other shoe to drop and hes more scared and theres nothing he can do about it so. he makes more of an effort to Actually Care about his son. before overlord he never wouldve missed a birthday for anyhting. theyre all each other has.

>> that little bit of dialogue i typed up for mark earlier. stay here, be safe, dont be stupid. be safe, dont be stupid. he says that a lot, always in that order. enough that when ashe is with the wards sometimes he'll also say it. dakota "im going to pick up the pizza" ashe from the couch "be safe dont be stupid" (IMMEDIATE recoil as he thinks about it for more than a second because he has an oh god i sound like my dad moment. but everyone else finds it endearing)

>> THE COAT!!!!!!!! THECOAT. i think about the coat a lot. its just. a random one that ashe grabbed from the closet the first time he snuck out. but it was a good size, exactly as baggy as he likes, hey! he found old money in the pocket! so he just like. claims it as his own and neither of them ever say anything about it but its suuuuch. comfort clothing for ashe and he doesnt like thinking about why. it just is. he wears it EVERYWHERE all the time, its the one piece of clothing the rest of the wards never steal beacuse they know its important to him.

>> there is exactly one (1) surviving picture of ashes mom outside of their old house and its a crumpled polaroid mark had in his wallet from when ashe was a baby.

>> he will never admit this to himself or anyone else but. as much as mark is scared for ashe and scared for both of their safety and what it means for them to be simurgh victims... he is also scared OF ashe, even just subconsciously . he has nightmares about finding ashe that day, laughing. about what mightve happened if he wasnt able to break ashe out of that state. about what mightve happened if he had never gotten that text and continued on with the evac protocols. i need that blonde man to be fucking miserable

>> literally always thinking about your tidalwave post. never not thinking about your tidalwave post. i dont even have much to add here other than i really like nhw tidalwave a lot. the aftermath of the leviathan fight makes me crazy even if thats mostly one-sided on tides part.

>> his tinker specialty is power enhancement. he makes devices that make his and other peoples powers stronger or extend their range. the drawback is that the devices need to be Connected to the person using them in some way (thinking about the ports he has on his back in canon. his gauntlets clamp down on his forearms. overlord had him make each of the capes under his power something that enhances them too so theyve all got little. gadgets embedded in them somehow) (begs the question can he also make things that dampen powers? is this falling too far into Trump category?)

>> he got ashe his headphones as a birthday present when he was like... 15 . their fights had been getting more frequent as he had to be away from home more and ashe was fully in his angsty teen "i hate my dad" phase, but mark had been working w overlord for like a year at that point and money wasnt as much of an issue anymore so he got ashe like. the most high quality noise cancelling headphones he could possibly find.

okay i think thats all. its nearly 1am lmao!!!!!

[corvidares]

okay, so i just finished re-reading Any Way the Wind Blows and this feels so blatant as to be smacking me in the face: simon is disabled.

now, the reason why that makes itself even clearer in this book than in wayward son (where he, of course, also has the wings + tail) is because simon is once again in the world of mages - despite doing his best to leave it behind. compared to wayward son, where hes basically and literally in the wild west. where theres magical beings everywhere, where simon practically fits in because he is one.

but ill get back to that.

ive seen a lot of really interesting points about what simon's wings represent and mean, and i'm not disagreeing with those. but in a very literal sense, they are a disability.

think about it like this: the world of mages (and Normals) is not built for humanoids who have giant webbed wings and a tail. simon constantly struggles with controlling these limbs, and their size makes it ten times harder. spaces are too small, furniture and objects are broken when he spreads them, and many a shirt or jacket are ruined.

he struggles to find a good way to deal with this - spell them away? wear them out by cutting holes in things? fold them extremely painfully into his shirt? even though this last one is treated like a solution for a little while, its far from ideal. who is simon doing this for? himself, or everyone around him? yes, of course Normals cant see them. and yeah, hes expressed discomfort about baz and penny spelling them hidden. but thats not the point. even with this botch job of a way to "wear" his wings, which succeeds at hiding them from Normals, simon still states a couple times that he knows people stare at him and his seeming hunchback. i mean, thats blatant.

(he eventually, with shepard's help, realizes a good way to work around this - zippers or buckles on shirtbacks - which very much feels like an aha! disability aid moment)

im not saying disability is based in how people look at you, or it only being a societal thing. (as in, when he wasnt in the world of mages, he wasnt suddenly 'not disabled at all') disability is a huge spectrum. but those things absolutely can be a part of the disabled experience.

but all of that doesnt even get to my main point: simon has no magic anymore. and in the world of mages, thats a huge deal. magic is like living and breathing, especially for baz and penny. its not something they question or have to worry about not being able to call upon. hell, even before simon lost his magic he was disabled, just to a different extent.

before awtwb, we dont hear much about mages whose magic is weak. but they come to the forefront now - which just solidifies that solid magical ability = able bodiedness.

smith is promising a miracle cure. a cure. think of it like bullshit orgs such as aut!sm spe@ks, wanting to "cure" autism - he wants to cure people. (and hes just as full of shit) why? because weak magic is seen as a disease, a problem, even subhuman.

take daphne, baz's stepmom. her quality of life is fine, great. her weaker magic doesnt seem to put her at a disadvantage. she manages her disability well. but in comparison to the norm, to what is expected of the average mage, shes got nothing. less than nothing. she feels shame over what she cant do.

smith's case becomes even more blatant when we see, at the end of awtwb, that he wants to essentially cull weak magicians. that they're holding back society. that theyre better off as powerless as Normals - who are blatantly seen as subhuman - than as weak mages. much like how ableist rhetoric puts forward that disability is a fate worse than death.

which brings us back to simon. he insists hes a Normal, now or always has been. baz insists hes the most powerful magician to exist. both of them are wrong.

and right. and right and wrong.

simon is some third thing - not a mage, not a Normal. akin to how disability is its own minority aside from race or ethnicity he has a foot in each world, and he always has. but now he cant achieve blending into either.

this is why the increasing presence and humanization of other magical beings beside mages is so important (thank you shephard!) how mages tend to seem magical beings is very ableist. theyre subhuman, theyre not to be trusted, theyre freaks, theyre dirty, etc. except oops, how can you keep thinking that penny, when this very nice one works at a cafe and helped you translate shephard's engagement terms?

even baz and the events of wayward son play into this - yeah, some vampires are horrible people. but plenty, like baz, are just people. with a range of experiences and morals and ways of living life. (take nicodemus) (i could make a point about how simon's stalwart acceptance of baz's vampirism helps baz comes to terms with it and how this is also super disability coded, but thats another essay)

in the beginning of awtwb, he decides to go to the extreme opposite of his chosen one powered life - to live as a Normal, and the second step (after cutting himself off from baz and penny) is getting his wings removed.

except he cant do it. and even having his wings touched is horribly uncomfortable. now, this partly has to do with how much theyre sensual parts of his body - same as his tail. but its also, separately, very intimate. theyre treated very clinically, like a fascinating specimen to pore over. im not trying to give niamh shit here, just saying what i saw.

but theyre part of him. people with disabilities often deal with being stared at and poked and prodded by the medical field (if theyre not ignored or waved off. maybe both.). even every day folks feel the right to touch disabled folks, or their mobility aids.

for a lot of people, mobility aids are a part of them - its like a stranger touching your face and thinking theyre doing you a favor. when instead theyre being weird as fuck.

simon's status as previous chosen one even plays into this sort of thing - people see him more as a figurehead, for what he can and cant do (including his wings!) than a person. hes a tragedy, hes a hero. hes inspirational, hes to be pitied. sound familiar?

the end of awtwb doesnt spell out whether simon ends up deciding to keep his wings (frustratingly). but they spell out that he would absolutely would, in my opinion.

simon increasingly treats them as a natural extension of his body. think of the scene where he flies about the watford goats. how he expresses his feelings with his wings and tail. and of course, how he learns to let baz loves each and every part of him: including his dragon limbs.

baz loves him, and loves them, not in a fetishistic way, but because its simon, and he loves everything simon is. not just what he represents or can or cant do.

[cowboy-robooty]

no guys see robooty itager is the slowest burn fucking imaginable. because i think that 1) italy would have to initiate them dating since germany thinks hes rejected forever after buon san valentino (my boy loves one sided crush) and 2) if they dont slow burn theyll crash and explode. because i think italy takes forever to realize he genuinely really fucking love germany and ONLY loves him and is willing to be loyal 'n treat him well to have him. Since i think italy isnt the type to really love ever since his kindergarten crush so he takes forever to recognize what he feels is genuine love (plus his love is born from a sense of entitlement but thats a whole 'nother enchilada). but yeah and because they take forever and are fully developed in their feelings when they date things are happy happy sunshine swag peace and love ❤️ they do stupid shit as bros the only difference now is they make out sometimes and japan cries himself to sleep everyday ^_^

but in a world where somehow they started dating BEFORE italy completely sorts out his feelings then OHHHH MY GOD. HELLWORLD. LITERAL HELLWORLD. because italy would totally cheat on germany and germanys heart would have youtube poop glass shattering effect explosion and italy would be #unloyal and #mean #scumgong and he would break up with germany for being so clingy and upset about him breaking his heart everyday or germany would break up with italy because everyone in his entire life (2 people: japan and prussia) is telling him that he needs to because italys making him chew glass (they take like 6 years to convince him and have to resort to saying its for italys own good if he breaks up with him). and then when they break up germany would hashtag die and explode because he obviously still loves italy but hes held back by prussia to not come back to him and tries to satiate his autistic brain by thinking "he was mean to me and told me to leave. im sorry ill leave now sorry for bothering you" and he also doesnt feel close to anybody except italy and has to go "brother....... i am.... not feeling good right now........" and cant say much else bc WE SAW IN THE ANIME GERMANY WANTED TO VENT ABT ITALY AND REALIZED HE HAS NOBODY BC HE ONLY IS CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT WAY TO ITALY. and then cut to italy and hes partying it up because hes pissed off at germany for being on his ass hardcore every single day for the past god knows how long (hate my wife syndrome) until a while later the partying slows down and he has a bunch of moments where he thinks "well usually right now germany would do [thing]" and that builds up until he is hit with the full realization that germany is not going to stay by his side anymore. because hes run away now and hes never ever coming back. and that realization is like the evil version of italy realizing that he loves germany and wants him to ALWAYS be by his side; so much so that hes willing to do what it takes and compromise and be loyal n shit to make that happen. and now italy is freaking out because he doesnt feel this urge ever and now hes already fumbled the dude hes fr in gays with. but this realization is evil because its under a sense of panic and shit so its also motivated by italy feeling a sense of entitlement to having germany by his side and like HES SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

and from there italy would get back together with germany either easily bc he would just ask and say sorry and germany would go "well to be fair I should have been better as well. yes we should try again i want to too, i will try my best to not fail you this time." or it would be hard because germany would have his mind made up (with prussias support and urging and shit) to be like no italy we arent good for eachother and i cant (shouldnt) forgive you for doing those things to me and italy would be like Oh. and chew glass and freak the fuck out until he decides hes going to use #emotional manipulation and sob to everyone about how germany wont take him back and make everyone hate on germany and call him a terrible guy n shit to make germany feel so guilty and think hes an awful person to italy that he takes italy back. but even then their relationship is now fucked up forever because they live in perfect symbiosis thats their entire thing but now they dont because germany now has doubt of italy because of how he went into their relationship before and didnt give a fuck and italy unlocked his evil paranoia because now when he gets scared that germany will leave him he cant be comforted by thinking that would never happen because IT DID. HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIM IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE GERMANY RUN AWAY. and because of that italy gets a lot more freaky about not wanting anyone to like germany so germany wont like them more than him and being emotionally manipulative and possessive and yandere shit because his paranoia is driving him to it. itager is great because it has so much potential to be evil like italy could emotionally manipulate germany so hard and all that shit but it would never happen because germany is so loyal and obsessed with italy that he never makes italy feel paranoid and like he has to. theyre like imagine if someone who has potential yandere gene in them dated a person who loved them more than anything in the entire universe and bends to their every will and never even glances at another person. that yandere gene is never getting activated bruh and at most manifests when italys like WAHHHH GERMANY YOU WONT LIKE RUSSIA MORE THAN ME RIGHT?? WHY DONT I HAVE THE MOST GERMAN TOURISTS IN THE WORLD WTF IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT ME I NEED TO CHANGE????? but in the world where they rush things they break up and it disrupts all this homeostasis and makes them a little evil afterwards because italy has excessive paranoia that cant be quenched and germany has autism doubt because "he betrayed me once...... so hell probably betray me again *cries*"

[graceisprettygreat]

Any thoughts on the relevance of the vlr characters post ztd true end as in like how do phi and sigma talk about the ones no longer with them how do they think about them does sigma try to make any of them again do they look at Junpei and think about Quark I honestly don't know how to word this I just hope you get what I mean qwq also yeah this is coming from me struggling with my wip akshsk

i do get what you mean! and i wont claim to be the foremost expert on them, my starter thoughts (i may ramble refined thoughts to you later), are these - phi i think, wants to be in control of her life again. i feel that becomes her primary motivating factor, at least shortly following the decision game. or. finding the terrorist rather, if you go with that being true. dio, good fucking riddance from her existence. i think in true end would not have any particular warmth for luna - sad as that is- being a GAULEM and a facillitator of the ab project, even if she didnt want to be. and while she was shown to care deeply for quark throughout the game - and i think she would think about quark when thinking abt junpei, and feel a pang of guilt that quark never got to experience a 'normal' life, despite the fact that they created a world where rad6 didnt get out - ultimately she would for at least a while want to distance herself from everything morpohogenetic, to feel that sense of control. i dont think that would last long however. once youre in, youre in after all. these are the only people who can understand her. those who lives were wrested away from them by this *bullshit*. but im getting off-topic. i think in her otherwise good relationship with junpei, relating to each other a lot, there is some distance created by knowing him as tenmyouji first and foremost. as for kyle, its interesting. because she never met him in the 'true' path of vlr. but she DID get all her memories. i think she would feel a pretty strong sense of. sorrow perhaps? for him. that his life was entirely FOR a nonary game. that he had no choice from the moment he was created. its fucked. she defintely thinks about him sometimes, her connection to him. and pours one out for him. luna thoughts are probably what i have to cook the most on here next ill look at dr. klim. who, oo ill have messy messy messy feelings on. i think his primary focus is two-fold. securing that this is indeed the future he strived to create. he would make sure everything is as it seems. this would include confirming his. eugh. son's assertions of the terrorist. secondarily, is spending time with diana, time that is so sorely limited. time where he looks at her and how much he sees diana and how much he sees luna, even he is not sure. i think he couldnt feel much remorse for those he involved, or would have involved, in the ambidex project. he has to hold ardent the belief that all he did is necessary. i think he mourns kyle deeply, but would make no attempt to recreate him. i think it is something that would be too painful. the person he neglected, and created as a tool, there is no way to recreate him. luna, i think he would wish to see this world, something shes always wanted, but would feel conflict, considering diana is alive and well. i truly dont know what hed do, but i think hed be very torn in half about it and last, and also least, tied for least, sigma when he returns. he is discombobulated as hell. he's back here, now in the timeline where things are solved. arriving after its all 'over' and he just has to take in, that this is his life now. his connection to diana and phi. it feels bizairre. i think unlike what dr klim must make himself not feel, feels tremendous guilt for what he would have done to alice and clover. to junpei. to quark, even though they dont even exist here. to how he treated luna. and kyle. to phi. its really hard for him to navigate every relationship here, i feel. he'd WANT to give everyone from vlr a chance at life, he thinks that would be ideal. but doesnt know if he can learn to make luna. learn to make a CLONE. if those two could even shift in to their bodies here. overall, i think his story when he returns is one of a lot of internal conflict over actions he hasnt done, will now never have to do, but still hurt people. if i got too off topic lmk and i will do my best to rein in focus and actually answer your questions haha. i also. could be so offbase! this is not my expertise! but i love to help regardless

[bunitivity]

Hey! First of all let me start by saying that I LOVE your writing (one shots? Im not familiar with fanfic terms lol), everytime I see you answering an ask and is under read more? Fuck yeah! Im eating well tonight!!! (That being said dont feel obligated to answer this like that lol)

I was just thinking about Water 7 (because us Usopp girlies/gender neutral/ are never leaving that arc down) and the fact that after getting beat up Usopp is shown to have bandages all over his body, but later when he heals he doesnt seem to have any scars, and in the sense of the show it makes sense, but 👀 i feel theres lots of angst potential for him to have some scarring from his time against the Franky Family, after all Chopper only treated him at first, the rest of the wounds care was done by Usopp. I feel theres great Usopp angst potential in seeing these scars as shameful because they keep reminding him of his actions in water 7, Franky angst because every time he sees those scars he remembers a beat up Usopp, hell angst for the whole crew remembering their darkest time as a crew

And if we want to make it ZoLuSanUso (because of course were going to!!) angst of their little breakup arc and how they couldnt protect usopp at that moment 😭

Aaah I’m so happy you enjoy my writing! I honestly hadn’t planned on writing anything for this fandom because whenever I enter a new fandom I prefer posting art and even though I enjoy writing a little here and there much like my art/fandom art in general they are just snippets of a larger story lol. Which is something you can get away with drawing but not writing. I wish I could write a full fledged slowburn for the ot4 god that would be the dream but executing something like that well is a lot of work and I’m weak of spirit I’m afraid😩 that being said I did write a little something inspired by my latest ot4 drawing(and isn’t that a beautiful circle being inspired to draw and being inspired to write by your own drawing as you draw lol) I just need to edit it and I’ll post it tomorrow(and yeah they’re called oneshots😊) just seeing your nice message inspired me to work on it some more so that’s why it took me a bit to answer(also it takes me longer to see asks because I have notifications turned off lol)

And ah water 7 best arc and anyone who says otherwise is just weak. The first and only time we saw interpersonal conflict that mattered where everyone was so wrong and also right. Sorta wishing we get the same level intercrew conflict in elbaf but with the way the story is going it’s not likely but I can dream. anyways water 7. God the thought of them already dating during that arc is so angsty even for Me. While lu/sopp and san/uso sides are already heartbreaking on their own (and lu/san! he literally kicked him in the face and told him to watch his mouth😭 honestly I don’t think Sanji would forgiven Luffy or Zoro if Usopp really left the crew there’s no way for things to be normal after all that or even Usopp for going through with it tbh) but ugh just zo/sopp is so much worse. Just having to hear him say that they should leave him if he doesn’t apologize even though Usopp wasn’t the only one at fault no you know what even if he was entirely at fault hearing that would not be okay. To hear someone you love say that would be heartbreaking😭. From then on you even after you patch things up you would be constantly watching yourself trying not to be too much trouble or make any mistakes. I have fallen down a ravenous hole I need to get UP. So yeah I don’t like to think about them dating before w7 because it all becomes a little too terrible and I would just die but I shall indulge you just a bit.

But yeah Luffy waking up sweats in the middle to make sure Usopp’s still there. Zoro would be just be touching Usopp and finding all these scars that never used to be there and get a bad taste in his mouth. I think if Sanji hears any of the other two raise their voice he’ll just have flashbacks and go into protective mode even though they are his boyfriends too and he’s supposed to also love them and he can’t have favorites but there’s no way to erase the past and what happened. So Sanji will just feel that much more terrible and unworthy (he never used to feel deserving before but now it’s just compounded three fold). Water 7 has left a lot of scars.

They may not all be physical but they’re so much worse. They’re going to be forever hunted by past mistakes of how they almost lost him because they were stupid and not there when he needed them most and as a result they’re going to overcompensate and become overprotective which just leads to Usopp feeling even more useless. It’s a vicious cycle until something finally gives and they have another fight where all their stupid insecurities come to light and they mend things. They try to be better moving forward but they’re just humans and there’s no way they can just fix things overnight. But they try and that’s all that matters.

I don’t think Franky will ever forget what happened and what he had to someone that has become so precious to him. And the fact that Usopp forgave him so easily just makes it so much worse. It’s easier to deal with anger because then you can at least apologize and work to earn their forgiveness. But no he does not get that. Instead he has to see the person he hurt look up to him and admire him and love him which just makes all the shitty things he did so much worse. And to have left permanent scarring because of what he has done oh boy. To have a constant reminder of just how terrible you can be. Yeah he won’t ever forget it. And no amount of good he does will ever erase those scars so how could he possibly forgive himself.

[naupactus]

"weight shaming" rant under cut bc i came out the shower with thoughts

tbh i dont think skinnyshaming is a real thing. this noon my family told me i looked anorexic as if worried and told me i had to eat more which yeah it was bad and made me feel shitty about my body for a moment (i imagine it wouldve had more of an impact if i wasnt already very secure) but i dont think id equate it to the shaming fat women endure. because these same people who tell me i look sick when they look at my back and my arms also tell me theyre jealous that i have a flatter stomach than them.

the difference is when you get comments about being skinny they're based on a false and shallow sense of worry while comments about being fat are always framed as a personal failure. and thats what makes it "shame" and not just negativity. even though the occasional concern is voiced about health, that's not the kind of comment the majority of the population receives and rather just for people who are visibly obese. and still then, from actually obese people to someone with love handles, it's somehow framed as something sinful that not only impacts you but the people around you even though this is bullshit. there's this underlying hatred of fat people and belief that their weight is tied to recklessness and gluttony that has to be shamed and called out to be fixed, i think

on the other hand what fuels negative comments towards skinny people, from what ive seen and experienced, doesnt come from a place of blame and hatred but from stigmatization of mental illness. the only times ive received negative remarks about my body it's been from people who saw me and saw something a little too similar to a drug addict or a person with an eating disorder, and that triggered a disgust-pity response, even if they know im healthy. the comments never include something about convenience or ugliness, only health. it sometimes also transcends into comparisons to physical illness and poverty, but when these comments are made within a middle class context it's always with the implication that it's self inflicted and something to have pity on.

for negative views of both cases, in women as well as in men, it's i think triggered by the fact that both fail to fit into the social standard for what a healthy person should look like. someone who associates body weight to health, health to beauty and beauty to personal worth, feels the need to subconsciously justify their shock and disgust at seeing someone who deviates that standard by lying to themselves and saying the reason why those people look the way they do must surely be a personal flaw to be treated

[suffarustuffaru]

What are your thoughts on Re:63 fic by Spriteanon?

(okay also gonna leave a link to spriteanon’s rezero fics here and the re:63 series here if anyone is interested!!! and please feel free to leave some nice comments if you enjoy <3)

hi anon!! :o okay quick disclaimer that i havent touched spriteanons re:63 fic in a Very Long Time but i read a few of their If route/spinoff fics and got to around somewhere in arc 3 of the main re:63 fic yes :o!! (i only havent touched it since because Time and my Uncontrollable Attention Span. i dont tend to read super long fics either—no hard feelings or anything i am just a student with adhd hah.)

also quick explanation for anyone else stumbling across this—re:63 is a long plotty multichapter fic series where subaru and a few other surprise characters are genderbent (i use “genderbend” here in the sense of. biological sex and gender were bent yes). the fic starts from arc 1 and then comes with Major Divergences throughout the entire story. its a very solid read!!

but yeah so from what i do remember, i really enjoyed the fic, yeah. if i did read it again recently + caught up all the way to the current arc of the story (arc 4 i believe) i might have minor criticisms here and there, but again theyd be minor, and big emphasis on might because i do think re:63 is incredible (also i 1. try to adhere to fanfic courtesy of not giving unsolicited criticism directly to the author anyway wkfn and 2. im very light on most fic because. well we are All writing for free). and spriteanon has wrote more than a million words for this, all of which are Very polished with a solid plan for each arc. the fic’s such a labor of love its absolutely one of the best long form multichapter fics in this fandom, in my opinion. the writing style is very precise, i think, while still hitting Hard for every emotional beat and i think they generally get characters right. it’s a perfect balance.

i think what i most enjoyed about spriteanon’s fic though was its take on fem subaru.

the thing with fembaru takes in this fandom (though i see this also happen with fem reinhard takes as well)—im speaking for the english side of the fandom here by the way hah—is that sometimes writers tend to fall into this like. pitfall of being way too different with said now-female-character.

making a genderbend au does kind of show how you think of gender roles and gender and biological sex and all that, you know? not that thats a bad thing thats just an Inevitable fact given how intertwined these things can be irl and how a genderbend au will focus on these things in some way.

but like. genderswapping a character Is gonna change some things but its not usually gonna change Every Single Recognizable Trait in existence. sometimes people fall into pitfall of “this character is girl now” and forget to write her as a Person. they dont let her be as humanly “ugly” as how the character is in canon as a guy. and too many times i look at rezero genderbend fics or requests for genderbend fics in the rezero reddit fanfic ideas thread and fem subaru and reinhard are often genderswapped just to ship them with men (such as fembaru with regular reinhard or vice versa)—it does make me a little uncomfortable sometimes because 1. shipping the now fem character with another character of the same sex (such as fembaru x rem) doesnt really. Happen as much. it doesnt seem to be treated as a possibility that much?? or at least i havent seen it in fic. even though it Could Be, it’d just be less likely for Multiple Reasons (though of course correct me if im wrong if this ever happens in spriteanons fic akdndn) and 2. it feels like making a gay ship (like reinsuba) straight (ie reinsuba but one of them is the opposite sex now). which i have personal feelings on but i wont go too much into that hah.

BUT OKAY i digress i dont mean At All to go after authors who do any of this akndnd and spriteanon does have a few spinoff fics with fembaru x reinhard—all of which i ENJOYED, because 1. what i just said is a Personal Preference and 2. i dont mind it at all if its Well Written regardless (i have enjoyed a few other fembaru x reinhard fics too just bc they were well written yes!!). and spriteanons writing and handling of reinsubas dynamic is very very well written imo and i really liked reading through it. theyve written both fembaru and reinhard + subaru and fem reinhard together with a nuanced understanding of both characters, i think, and it absolutely still feels like Them. if that makes sense hah. like im not thinking “this feels like whole other people”, im thinking “this IS reinhard and subaru” regardless of gender. which is good because the former might take me out of the story a little bit T^T

and also i understand people are gonna have different takes on how genderbend aus would go, and i DO enjoy seeing variety in this yes!! :o (i cant really judge either because my old genderbend au fic is very. its different, lets just say hah.)

also spriteanon is Very good at showcasing subarus positive and negative qualities, i think. and spriteanon doesnt forget to show subarus npc/game/genre awareness-related mentality (in another way this time, given the slight differences in female lead isekai stories) either!! it was very interesting to read for Sure, and i appreciated how well they showed the trauma and horror in the story and showed how subaru understandably responds to it. fembaru feels Human here and like this is still subaru, which i think should be the goal yes. character is Very Important. and subaru can be very hard to get even close to right in fics so i gotta commend spriteanon in general for all the hard work on this fic hah.

and also i enjoyed the exploration of another subaru hobby (music!!) (which iirc is probably also a canon detail anyway?? but its expanded on in re:63??) very interesting. not much to say on that bc i dont Entirely remember every detail of this i just thought it was a fun take yes.

also i did love seeing the other characters that were genderbent. that was very fun. i kinda wish there were More just because i enjoyed it a lot. i liked seeing what changed and what didnt. though iirc spriteanon has some sort of interactive quality with some parts of the fic where they put up polls to vote on some aspects of the story?? so maybe some reoccurring readers voted on some of who gets to be genderbent and who doesnt hah.

and also the canon divergences in the story are Interesting. i was really kept on my toes a bit fr. i think out of what i read arc 2 was ABSOLUTELY my favorite for sure. it was such an amazing read and in a few aspects i enjoyed it More than canon arc 2!! not that canon arc 2 is bad (i enjoyed canon arc 2 A Lot) but re:63’s arc 2 has such Fascinating things in it…. hah i wont go into too much detail though its Spoilery.

but either way. re:63 is a very strong and solid fic imo. i really enjoyed it overall!! i might return to the fic someday to read through it from start to finish—not sure if i ever will but id have a fun time i think hah. its an absolute gem and you can see all the work spriteanon puts into it!!

[dykexenomorph]

Bela Re8, Karlach Bg3, and\or Isobel Bg3 for the ask game!

not upset just wanna complete the set 👍

this got kinda long so im putting it under a readmore LMAO (character asks!!)

BELA DIMITRESCU:

HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER: HOW can i put this. she is everything to me. i think about her daily.shes my right hand arm. MAN. shes my everything. all of this but she doesn't even make the top ten in my list of favorite resi charas LMAO

WHO DO I SHIP WITH HER: well nobody. sorry for being lame it will happen again LMAO

NON ROMANTIC OTPS FOR HER: IM SORRY IM SO LAME I JUST LIKE HER FAMILY DYNAMIC. BELA HAS NO FRIENDS SHES A LOSER WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME MAN

UNPOP OPINION ABOUT HER: i dunno how to put it but i think the way i generally see/interpret her (and the other two sisters) are so blatantly different from what fanon is (or at least what it was BEFORE i gave up on the re8 tag) tht its my most unpop opinion? if tht makes sense idk its late and im tired

SMTH I WISH HAPPENED IN CANON: I SO BADLY WANT MORE CONTEXT FOR THE WAY THE DIMITRESCU'S OPERATED AND TREATED ONE ANOTHER. like YEAH they were killing maids and being generally dykeish and cruel in that castle but how were they sustaining this. what like. day to day things did they do. were the sisters close or did they just see each other as competition or what!!! im so curious about them it hurts AUGH

KARLACH CLIFFGATE:

HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER: AUGAUGATGALHGALJSFSDLAJ !!! hope this helps :D

WHO DO I SHIP WITH HER: my DURGE!!!!!!!!!!! (real answer though is probably minthara or shadowheart. i love the idea of minthara ALSO going back to avernus w karlach and wyll to help her fix her engine :3)

NON ROMANTIC OTPS FOR HER: WYLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they have THE dynamic of all time <3

UNPOP OPINION ABOUT HER: the way people baby her is SO stupid and ridiculous. this is a woman who fought in a demon army for TEN YEARS. she saw what happened when elturel fell and did nothing because she was worried about what it'd mean for herself. YES she is a kind, giving, and heroic person NOW, but she hasn't always been (even if her reasoning is understandable). if i see one more person act like she can't understand or cope with some of the more morally questionable things the party encounters along the campaign im going to lose my mind

SMTH I WISH HAPPENED IN CANON: dunno if this counts but i wish we could do more in terms of touching her (for lack of better way to phrase it) in act 1. like let me be silly and use mage hand to high five (or whatever else) her. let me and wyll dump cold beer in her mouth like some sort of shitty frat party. idk its very silly but i want more goofy interactions w her where tav + the party try to find stupid ways around the engine issue!!!!!

ISOBEL THORM:

HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER: NOBODY LOVES HER MORE THAN I DO AND I MEAN THAT SO GENUINELY. ISOBEL THORM THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO DO I SHIP WITH HER: im not answering this. come on now. lets get a grip. (aside from the obvious answer i also like her + dame alyin + shart. tht trio is everything to me <3)

NON ROMANTIC OTPS FOR HER: does jaheira count? they were stuck for SUCH a long time protecting last light together in the shadow curse, they had to have ended up being good friends i think?? i think about it ALL the time

UNPOP OPINION ABOUT HER: its hard to have an unpop opinion when nobody thinks about her character as anything other than an accessory for dame alyin. i will give u an unpop opinion when u can give me literally ANY non-alyin related opinion this fandom has about her LMAO

SMTH I WISH HAPPENED IN CANON: GIVE ME MORE SOLO ISOBEL INTERACTIONS PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I WANT COMPANION ISOBEL. I WANT AN ISOBEL-CENTRIC QUEST (NO ACT 2 DOESNT COUNT LEAVE ME BE). WHY DO I ALWAYS LOVE CHARACTERS W THE LEAST AMOUNT OF CONTENT