#im a force of change and dysphoria is a bane of my existence because its so tightly knotted into the strings of Cannot Control | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

blackvahana · 23 hours ago

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For all Ive said about nonhumanity being like transness... took me a hot minute to realise the dysphoria im having lmfao. no normal person this side of the galaxy is feeling grossly out of place in their own body because it settled naturally into a head, two arms, and two legs. Im not even thinking about species. This isnt an attempt to be something Im not, its a continuous "my brain isnt aligning with my body". I feel so intensely like Im being forced to appear like this in order to be respected/considered normal/not shunned or feared or otherwise repulsing those around me. god.

i hear my voice monotoned and string-instrument-esque and it sounds so unnatural. i see eyes and nose and mouth and all i can think is, even when i look like what humans would call completely inhuman, how human it is. Sorry. Four limbs and a head and standing upright? So human. Speech in a linear singular voice? So human. ugh. god.

#here's where i decide to let myself settle more naturally or keep forcing myself into a humanoid shape huh #ramblings //#I dont hate humans just like i dont hate women. But i look at my bodies and... physically all the ways im womanly invoke the #same feelings as looking at my astral bodies and all the ways im human. its so... its dysphoria lmfao its the exact same experience #its the exact same ''i expected to see something different. im not in the right body. theres no shame in my body but this isnt what i am #and i keep forgetting i am stuck in this form'' like. yeah biology does that #i love humans. but the intensely gross and out of control and ''i swear two minutes ago i wasnt this'' and so on feelings are...#Like its not ''humans are gross'' the gross feeling comes like nausea at being in a foreign body that doesnt align with who #you feel and know you are. My physical body?? If it was someone elses Id be attracted to it - actually I have proof of that lmfao -#and Id say theres nothing wrong with it. but its intensely not me in subtle ways. the way it grows fat and where. the roundness of features #the etc etc so-called feminine features. The way my astral body settles into human-like configurations...#ugh. god. coming back from being the almadia Im about ready to never take a fucking human form again - and thats the thing #its dysphoria as in i could be in a Considered Nonhuman Form like i said and still all i can feel and see are things im not even consciousl #thinking of. Ive been annoyed tonight about my understandings of reality coming from The Other Side Of The Galaxy - I am intensely #missing home. And like. theres a whole lot of. shit to deal with in regards to waking up as an incarnation #because you are not you. You are decidedly not you. The more you wake up to You the more you realise youve spent hundreds of thousands of #years vs 20 odd ones this life as something - im so tired man #im a force of change and dysphoria is a bane of my existence because its so tightly knotted into the strings of Cannot Control #its based on ''my own /body/. not my life. my /body/. my selfhood. is not in my control and will always be controlled by #other peoples opinions of it and they will always pilot it into boxes without my consent that i dont agree with because everyone else can #do with my body what they want and i can do nothing''#does every damn trauma and bad event in my life need to be underlined by rape trauma yes apparently so

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