#im just very very depressed today for some reason

[godisaknife]

i am feeling very bvery bad today and i can't focus on studying at all. hopefully it'll get better later in the night i was planning on staying up all night to study anyway

[bunnihearted]

goddess the body feels sooo good after a workout 🫠

[jamesheathridge]

i love my grandmother but whenever i talk to her i get insanely sad

[larrysballetslippers]

.

[pepprs]

like i hesitate to make this comparison when i don’t actually have the condition and god willing never ever will but it’s like with c*vid how sometimes it alters your tastebuds forever and everything you once loved tastes rotten. that’s exactly what this is like. and it fucking sucks

[spikeyjo]

ignoring the trans gay and traumatized reasons for hating church.... bro it is just a sensory nightmare in general. you get a cramped pew, you have to sit and stare at one person the entire time, the women in the choir sing at a pitch that could break glass, the preacher is going apeshit and yelling, youre getting in trouble for drawing instead of listening, youre wearing uncomfortable shoes and clothing, and theres a baby sitting in front of you that stares at you for two hours straight

[sunflowerpie]

Actually crazy that pre-'depression treatment' i described myself as someone full of joyous whimsy, i was excited about the coming days, i may not have been happy but i was at least content, if a little stressed. Now I'm scared and miserable and unsure. I'll be fine once i can get myself home and get myself comfortable and regulate my goddamn emotions but ough.... this has really taken it out of me. I have to get my joyful whimsical nature back...

Ruh roh! The psychiatrist made me have a panic attack and then used it to imprison me! Guess i dont have rights anymore

[pidgeeepombo]

Flowers and inconvenient first meets.

Sinopsis: jason is having a bad day, you too, but it doesent stop you to be kind

Fluff!Jason Todd x civilian florist!reader.

A/n: i try to make the Y/n the most neutral as i can! You can imagine any gender for them.

Warnings: hiper cliché, my frist actually romantic x reader fic, i love Jason so much hadhhahshsheheh. English isn't my frist language! Im sorry to any ortografic errors! I hope you like it!

You were at your small flower stand, there wasn't much movement, after all, who has a reason to buy flowers in Gotham city? The cloudy weather left the air feeling depressed, but nothing you weren't used to. The movement of people rushing to get to their appointments ended up causing the vase of tulips that was right in front of their tent to fall, spilling the flowers across the sidewalk.

You hadn't seen who had dropped them, and the person probably didn't even realize they had done it, all you could do was get up from your plastic stool and go gather the poor flowers, in these difficult times losing merchandise meant having the light of a house cut down again, As you bend down to gather the flowers, suddenly a thump happens and you fall back, only hearing a "holy shit" giving the situation some intencity.

Jason Todd was having a rough day. Of course, today was the anniversary of his death, he was definitely not in a good mood to talk, everything had gone wrong for him today, he hadn't slept well, he was quite injured from last night's patrol, and the next day he still had Forcing themselves to go shopping to their safe house, definitely going to the supermarket during rush hours and interacting with people who are just as unhappy as he are is not one of Jason's favorite things. Now, walking home with a rather flimsy paper bag full of supplies, he trips over someone on the street and all their purchases spill onto the floor, *great*

-holy shit.

He looks at the person he bumped into, apparently they weren't in a situation very different from his. Even so, he got frustrated and soon opened his mouth to say something sarcastic. Until the person on the ground comes forward and says:

-I'm really sorry, sir! Did you're hurt? You should take better care of where you're going.

Jason, without much patience, bent down and started to gather his things, while you were gathering your flowers.

-And you shouldn't sit in the middle of the sidewalk.

Jason says with a bitter tone in his voice, you, who perhaps felt worried about having knocked him over, as soon as you finish gathering your flowers you start to help him with the shopping, realizing that his bag had torn, you get up and takes a bag from behind the counter and gives it to the man with black hair, who gets confused, but accepts the kindness, you start helping him gather his purchases.

-I'm sorry again...

-its okay.

he replies dryly, but you really don't care, he must be having as bad a day as you. But you decide to try to give sympathy a chance.

-What's your name?

-...Jason.

- I'm Y/N, nice to meet you. you say, smiling softly as you hand him the last fruit that was lying on the floor

-rouge day, right?

-kind of

He notice that you was trying to make the situation less unconfortable. Jason felt a little uncomfortable at first, he hated interactions with people he didn't know, but he became more relaxed as the other person didn't appear to be a potential threat. He glanced at the florist, their seemed tired, but Gotham does that to people. If he himself wasn't busy with his own problems, he would even find the person on his side pretty.

When they finished gathering things, Jason gets up to leave, but you say:

-Hey sir! Wait a minute.

he stopped and looked at you, you smile gently and hand him a single tulip.

-It's for the inconvenience, sorry again!

-ah... No problem. Thanks.

He leaves holding the flower and analyzing it on the way home, he found it funny in a way, the last time he received flowers was at his funeral. And maybe that made him a little happy, it was hard to find someone kind to strangers in Gotham. He thought a lot about that florist and maybe he wanted to run into them again.

A/n: HEYYY MY SPACE READERS! my frist fic on tumblr? Im kinda pround of myself. This was inspired by a Character A.I boot.... (My favourite one btw) im gonna put the name here later! Byee! I hope you all like it! Take care of yourself!

[thecartoonrambler]

Why Wander is such an important character

Very long post below!

Ill be rambling about Wander over Yonder, specifically, WANDER!!

The show in itself is already amazing, the episodes are short and fun, each character is oozing with personality and fun interactions and there are always ways in which it is all connected. Further on the animation of the show and overall look is absolutely adorable!

For me personally, Wander is simply such an important character and not for few reasons.

I love that Wander's silly happy go lucky personality is so addictive. He's a happy person, who gets happy by helping others in need, even to points where he gets himself in trouble (every episode LOL) But regardless i think they are such an important character traits to have (Happiness, altruism, Optimism).

In today's depressing and violent world, where everyone just fights with each other, a character like Wander can be a sense of hope or inspiration!

Of course, many main characters have these traits as well, but i think a key difference between Wander and many other optimist protagonists lies in their EXPERIENCE IN LIFE!

These other protags are innocent, naive optimists, because they haven't experienced "the real world" yet. And while it makes sense to have characters like these (as an allegory to growing up), they get really tiring and repetitive really quickly. They also commonly showcase optimism and naivety to go hand in hand. And its why a lot if people commonly believe that "realsim" is inherently "pessimistic" (it isn't btw. Theres good and bad in life, denying theres good, is denying reality)

Its extremely refreshing to have a main character like Wander, actually be hinted at being millennias old, repeatedly converting villains to good throughout the eons, out of a sense of duty (and perhaps also Pacifist revenge for his childhood, where its hinted that his entire planet was destroyed and he was the only survivor.)

not only is this also something that one learns, the more one watches (keeping the viewer intrigued) but the fact that so much about Wander's life and past is a mystery is what makes him a fascinating character. At first glance hes just some helpful guy, and the more you learn about him, the more you more you think "who is this guy?" Not in a negative way, but in a complete curiosity. Is it possible he's as old as the universe himself? If so does he know it? Who is he? What actually happened in his past? How did he live before his hat? Was there a time he wasn't as helpful? What caused him to change? Who is he? But at the same time, the viewer doesn't NEED to know. Theres no stress to, no hurry to uncover a mystery. Its like "mystery but it's actually completely low-key". I like that. (Im the kind to get into conspiracy theories or get crazy over plot holes, so the show managing this is insane)

Traits like these, especially in contrast to their personality being so so happy, child-like, goofy, charitable, it makes for an extremely interesting and fascinating character, that one doesn't commonly see in media! Which is really awesome! Someone that's seen so much horrors, lived through civil wars, yet tries to help a skeleton get together with a butch lesbian??

Its awesome!

Other that just that alone, he's helped me out personally! He in many ways reminds me of myself as a kid, i too was altruistic, always trying to help, struggled to say no, was positive and happy go-lucky and adventurous (well, as all kids i suppose), recently rediscovering the show made me realise how much i missed those personality traits in myself. That i had hidden them away, due to people making fun of me of being "too naive" and "too childish". Eventually Making me not talk to people really, and develop really bad self esteem. Rediscovering this show, and specifically how these "childish" traits can be seen in a very positive charming light, helped me realise that being scared of "coming off wierd", "coming off as toxic positivity" will always be worse than not being positive.... At all.

Ive heard from other people too that this show has helped them through tough times, and allowed them to reconnect with more positive thought patterns. Which is why i think characters like Wander are insanely important for media!!

Too much is too depressing all the time! We can create media (ESPECIALLY ADULT MEDIA) that isnt depressed. Positivity and happiness are not a crime! And im so glad a character like Wander exists to exhibit that!

[sadstrever]

cw: 116lbs

gw: 106lbs

hw: 150lbs

hi. so my last account got banned so i realize now i should be a little more careful of what i say cuz i guess i concerned some of you. or this will just be my last post because i need to vent.

wanna hear how i started my day? i chew and spit my food into plastic bottles(i know i’m disgusting no one should ever do this) and i was opening it and it exploded fucking everywhere and the smell was putrid and it was all over me and my bedroom. and i was hungover. and it was 7am. and i threw up immediately after. anyways, i haven’t e@ten in weeks. lol. almost a month, which isn’t the longest i’ve gone so don’t worry this is not that bad lol. ALSO NO I WILL NOT BE GIVING TIPS. ever since my brother moved away it’s been pretty easy to st@rve. the hard part now is knowing where to draw the line. my best friend has broken down a lot recently because of me. i’m an awful person lol. i let them get too close and now they know too much about the disgusting things i do. i needed space because seeing him just makes me feel guilty for putting him through this with me. i tried to end the friendship 2 nights ago over a bottle of v0dka. it did not work out very well. i said some really hurtful things to him that i didn’t mean in an effort to push him away. once the alc wore off i made him a cake to apologize which now that i say it out loud, it does not feel like much of an apology at all. he somehow easily forgave me which makes me feel even shittier. he said it was because he knows im sick. i don’t know what i’m doing. the derealization has gotten worse. i tried going half sober which didn’t help. i’ve developed a laxative problem too which also doesn’t help. it’s not as bad as others though, i was just taking 3 a day for a minute(a few months)but that’s so fucking bad for you and it really made my stomach problems worse. i took 3 today for the first time after not taking them for weeks and there was really no reason. just a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. when that didn’t help, i tried to smoke but i got too high because i only smoke every other day now which lowered my tolerance. when THAT didn’t work i went to the gym and burned 460 calories and then THAT didnt work so i walked around and burned 240 more. none of it made me feel less empty. i’m so sick of it. why is it all so fucked. nothing feels right. i want to try and recover but i don’t remember the person i was before all of this. my brain just fucking can’t figure it out. i don’t feel like a real person man. i want to recover and not because i’m giving up. starving is the easiest part of my life. it’s all that seems to make me feel a little better. eating always makes me so depressed and in a worse way. it makes me aware of reality in a way that fucking kills me. i need to do it if i want to feel human, if i want to be a good friend, daughter, sister. i’m gonna wait until i’m underweight which is once i’m 109lbs. 7lbs away lol. it’ll probably take a week or two so i guess i’ll update on how i’m trying to recover. fuck i really don’t want to man. pls give me tips because i can’t die and just be a sad fucking story to everyone i love. or just fucking report me like u guys did last time, not having any safe place with people who relate will totally help too!!!

[lordarsonizzzzt]

Ask and you shall receive. Glass, Kondraki, Clef, Bright and Iceberg with an S/O who loves to cook and bake lots of stuff cuz that's their love language and they also like to pamper the doctors a lot

thank u very much

SCP STAFF WITH AN S/O THAT LOVES BAKING AND COOKING

CHARACTERS: SIMON GLASS, KONDRAKI, ALTO CLEF, JACK BRIGHT, JULIAN ICEBERG.

DR GLASS

✴︎ Simon comes tired from work a lot, his patients are all lost cases, Clef almost shot him 'by accident' and Bright bite him.

✴︎ Imagine how he feels when he comes home and sees you with an apron and the smell of a home-cooked meal hits him in the face.

✴︎ He will shower you in praises, hugs and kisses.

✴︎ I think his love language is physical affection and words of affirmation.

✴︎ You usually cook him his breakfast, he usually has lunch at work but sometimes you even pack him some food, then he comes back home and dinner is served!

✴︎ On weekends you bake him cakes, cupcakes or anything that is sweet, Glass has a huge sweeth tooth and you have to keep him from trying to eat the mix or frosting.

✴︎ He is really thankful by all you do for him and will take you on well planned dates or have day that are all about you.

✴︎ After all, you are his world.

DR KONDRAKI

✶ Man loves you so so much, like I always say, he needs that domesticity in his life.

✶ He would text you something like 'work s stressing me out today, are you free to talk a bit?'

✶ And you will be cooking him some goodies while you both are speaking thru the phone.

✶ When he comes back home and sees you cooked for him he is going to cry, will hug you and kiss all your face and lips and god I want a boyfriend.

✶ Really grateful, feels like he owns you.

✶ If you work at the foundation you will bring him lunch and you both will eat in his office, he won't stop complenting your cooking.

✶ You are the only reason he has a stable eating time, if you didn't cook for him he would live on take out and alcohol.

✶ His love language is acts of service and words of affirmation.

DR ALTO CLEF

✉︎ Do not cook when this man is around, he is going to mess with it, eat the mix, or eat the butter.

✉︎ Loves it when you bake, will buy all the things you need to make a cheescake and will look at you with puppy eyes.

✉︎ Make him lunch to take to work please he can't stand the fucking shit they sell over there it's the same food every day.

✉︎ He will always come home like 'WE ARE A PLACE THAT IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE GOVERMENT, WE HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO MAKE ALL THIS FUCKING WEIRD ASS CELLS BUT THEY CAN'T AFFOARD SOMETHING THAT ISN'T SALAD OR SOUP? IM NOT ASKING FOR A BOUFFET JUST ADD SOME NOODLES IN THERE IDK"

✉︎ So yeah just so he shuts up make him something.

✉︎ WILL BRAG in work about his s/o that, and i quote, "HAS SOME BUDTASTES AND UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK 05 COUNCIL SOUP IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO???"

✉︎ He is so mad about soup.

✉︎ Please please please teach him to bake (he just wants to spend time with you, will actually not learn anything and is going to mess everything up)

✉︎ His love language is gifts, he will bring you about anything that makes him think about you.

✉︎ "I found this weirdass chef plushie and I said 'my sweet crab babe is a chef to!' so i bought it."

✉︎ He calls you the weirdest nicknames known to man.

✉︎ I love writting about Clef I can make it so angsty or so fluffy.

DR BRIGHT

⚠︎ This man. He's tired, he is depressed, so when he comes home and finds out you made food for him? He just breaks, everytime.

⚠︎ He will be eating and out of nowhere will look at you, smile and start crying.

⚠︎ Has a sweet tooth too, if you bake him cupcakes he is going to melt on the spot.

⚠︎ Your food makes him feels good, like a wave of happiness just washed over him.

⚠︎ He once was looking something in his backpack and found you left him a box with a lot of cookies and he had to fight the tears.

⚠︎ Really, this guy does a lot and barely gets any recognition, his parents are shitty, his brothers are all trash expect TJ, who he wants to take out of this filthy place, so you coming in and just caring for him is so,,, so weird and makes him sad, because when you are gone, who will be there for him?

⚠︎ He'll have days when he doesn't want to see you, will lock himself in the bathroom and cry for hours. He wants you to hate him, to never want to see him again and just stop caring for him. (im not reflecting no)

⚠︎ Other days he'll just be so clingy, he's glad you are by his side and are willing to help him with his shitty life.

⚠︎ He will sneak you in the foundation so you can meet TJ, he's going to watch you two interact and will have a small smile in his face.

⚠︎ His love language is acts of service and physical affection.

⚠︎ He will do anything you need. Want him to go do grocery shopping? Done, want him to fix something that broke in the house? Done, want him to just carry you around because you are royalty? DONE.

⚠︎ Please be pacient with him, he fears death more than anything but not upon him, but upon his loved ones.

DR ICEBERG

❆ You were a one night stand at first, he still worked at the military when you two got together.

❆ He woke up and didn't find you next to him so he just assumed you went home, then the smell of bacon and coffee hit his nose and he found you there, in the kitchen making breakfast for both of you.

❆ Even before he started working at the foundation he was a little bit of an asshole, but never to you, he was warm with you.

❆ You would be making dinner and he would come up from behind and hug you, you would be too surprised because he was gone for months on some mission.

❆ Now he was cold, but never to you. He may not be too physical now but he still smiles and jokes, he has a really crude sense of humor now and he always looked ready to snap. But to you? he was still Julian, the guy that always wore combat boots even on summer.

❆ You will always bake him cookies, croissant, even a whole ass cake for him to take to work. 'You better share' you will say, he would remember that a little too late.

❆ His love language is physical affection, gifts and acts of service.

❆ Loves telling you everything that goes on on the foundation (the things he founds funny at least)

❆ You know that some guy got blown away because he threw a molotov at them and he survived, this other guy with the weird amullet got shot several times because he stole the cinnammon rolls from the 3 eyed blondie, you honestly think he does drugs sometimes.

[averagetmntfan]

a special thank you to my moots.

(TW: suicidal thoughts, ig?)

ahem- so as I have mentioned, today is my 1 year old this platform! I honestly cant believe it’s been this..long? A lot has happened, too. And honestly for the longest time, it wasn’t going well. Like- at all.

(rant continues under the cut:)

I’m don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Im doing much better than before, so it’s really not a big deal anymore. I’m just giving some brief context for my 2023- early 2024 school year.

so, I made this blog a couple days before the whole situation went down. Which I think I briefly mentioned on here.

so for a bit, I had felt very uh- isolated in my friend group. I had kinda always been the odd one out. We had different interests. Their sort of fun was hangin’ out, gossiping and what not. And I was into cartoons, and art. I never really told them, though. There were sorta judgy, and I was very insecure. Because they make fun of people. And I didn’t wanna end up by myself.

But anyways- usually, they’d all leave. And tell me to watch their stuff. And since I’m sort of a pushover irl, I didn’t really argue about it. But when I say all of them leave-? I meant all of them. All 4 of em. And it often did upset me.

also they’d talk to people I didn’t even know- which, okay yeah- but I couldn’t talk to them. I didn’t wanna get dirty looks. I’m not a very outgoing person. I like to think I keep to myself often.

So, Halloween comes around. And this stuff doesn’t end. And for a bit more context, one of my friends was getting super annoying by me. And I’m pretty sure she didn’t like me, like- at all. She easily got annoyed at me. And only me.

so she went to the Halloween dance- last block of the day

blah blah skip to after school and I text the group- “where are u guys?” None of them respond. So I search a lil bit, then head outside. Where- guess what? All of them were.

I asked “Why didn’t you answer the text?”

and my friends that gets annoyed at my easily said a snarky “my phone was off.” And was generally just being fucking bitch. And I use to be a big crybaby and stuff- and eventually grew out of it. But this- this sentence really upset me. I stormed off, avoiding all of them.

eventually I got on my bus and- well. Uh. Let my feelings out, if you will. I remember it very cleary, too. It was one of the most tears I had shed in a long time.

I get home, and the girl texts the gc, clamming I stormed off for “no reason” and I had enough. Saying smth “I obviously didnt storm off for no fucking reason”

a bit more of arguing keeps going, and a lot more sobs. It was one of the worst days I had ever had.

a few more days go by, and the situation gets worse. I avoid all of them, and hung out w/ a diff friend. I ranted/vent to her, telling her my friend was a Hippocrate for complaining about our other friends leaving, even tho she did the EXACT same fucking thing.

Which, was talking shit. So that wasn’t great and rlly bad of me. And I guess karma hit hard bc she texted me after school, saying I was talking shit abt her. Bc my friend was friends with her friends. So..awkward..

and really- the next day, it was over. I was free. But at what cost, really? I lost all my friends. Became an outcast, really. It was pathetic, now that I think about it.

for the rest of the year, I rarely spoke to them. And never talked to the other girl.

I spent most my time in the library, reading. And skipping out on eating. I was so unhappy. I don’t wanna say depressed but- very close.

it really made me hate who I was. It made me feel like a terrible person.

And that’s when I really did start using Tumblr more. It was sort of an escape, of mine. And god, I’m so glad I set up and account. I Met do many amazing and unique people one here.

This is sort of corny but, I really think this has helped me through a lot. Since a few months early I lost my privileges to tik tok, and discord. Which, yeah. Sucked.

but so many things had happened-! Joined a rp group, met a new online friend (which we are now very very close<3), found out about a LOT of facts, found other people who shared my interests!

so here we are, one year later.

it was really something. I’ve met so many wonderful people on here, man. Especially my moots. You guys know who you are. I’m not gonna tag you guys, but I’ll do a quick smth smth ig

FIRST OF- my first closest moots-!! Ghosty, cookie, Sleepy, Ally, And my Pooks, Ari. So many awesome things happened with these guys. A lot of funny moments, too. Lmao.

AND ALL MY RAMSHACKLE PEEPS- dew, anomaly, Schnozz, reboot, Bailey, lilac,- you guys are literally AWESOME UGH- I seriously enjoy every interaction I have with you guys. It genuinely makes me so happy

sorry this is super corny and stuff, I really wanted to make something meaningful for this. Thank you guys for being so amazing.<3

— jj

[twistedastrology]

- Cancers at their worst -

----------------------------------------------------------

i just saw an ig post (no shade to the original poster) that said a cancer's dark side was everything they are stereotyped to be (extremely emotional/sensitive, are way too kind and always think people are judging them) and as a cancer that may be about to go neurotic again rn im gonna tell you from my personal experience what a cancer's dark side is actually like.

like i said though im going off of mostly just my experience so if this doesn't resonate, my bad- i did my best 🙏😔

to understand the nature of a cancer at their worst, you have to actually understand water and its potential volatility.

remember when i talked abt cancers and rage and how i said cancers are fire-coded (cardinal) water? keep that in mind for just abt this entire post.

fire is pure energy, and so is water, water just has more space to hold said energy- where fire burns out quickly, water doesn't dry out that fast at all especially if you have an ocean specifically.

people who say cancers (or really any water sign honestly-) are crybabies and switch moods every 5 seconds do not understand what water really is and this topic makes me a little livid sometimes because those are the same people that made me not like my rising sign for a long time.

to understand a cancers rock bottom, think about what water can do.

tsunamis can kill hundreds of thousands of people if they're big enough.

hurricanes, and sometimes tornadoes, form over water when the temperature is right.

the pressure at the bottom of the ocean can crush almost anything in an instant except for what has specifically evolved to live down there.

rain can lead to insane flooding (fellow floridians remember hurricane ian 2yrs ago 😕)

we have explored less of our ocean than the space around us, can you imagine what oceans on other planets would be like? especially the planets or moons that are almost Entirely water?

water represents emotion, yes, but when we boil that down to water signs being overly emotional, it doesn't make any sense and it makes some people, at least the ones that are like me, ashamed of their water placements because our society loves to say "emotion = bad." when obviously that is not true.

But if we wanna talk about the actual dark shit, aka my jupiter in scorpio's favorite shit, u gotta strap in.

Cancers feel more rage than anything.

i talked abt this specifically in my cancers and rage post, but it's true for this as well.

to use myself as the example, whenever i feel depressed or upset for some reason (like today), it's never just that sad feeling, it is always accompanied by a distinct anger because i get pissed that i feel like shit.

but if that rage doesn't get its way, or worse, gets too much of its way, i can succumb to a state of misery or, at my worst, neurosis, where multiple god awful things happen.

im not one to stay down for long, the last and first time i went neurotic, it only lasted for a week until i snapped out of it, but it was still very damaging.

cancers at their worst will feel an urge to self-destruct that may or may not be uncontrollable depending on other placements in the chart and of course how shitty they feel.

they will find something detrimental to do and if they genuinely can't, they will instead just mentally rip themselves open and daydream about what it would be like to just completely lose control and fall into a self-destructive spiral.

that's what happened to me when i went neurotic. one wrong decision and, having no access to anything that would take a toll on my physical body, i ripped myself to pieces in my head and almost fell in love with the act.

like gerard way said, there's something very romantic about it.

cancers can get moody, yes, but at this point they'll go mostly numb and tearing at their soul is the only thing they enjoy.

and then the pain will catch up to them.

once that pain catches up to them, two things will happen.

they will begin to realize what they've been doing and how pointless it is, and they will activate a duality within themselves of the desire to hurt and the need for pain relief.

they will tear at themselves even more, knowing they shouldn't be doing what they are, but it's a vicious cycle.

this will happen, and then the potential for redemption begins to boil over.

after being in the dark, blissfully hidden depths of their own mental ocean, they will realize they can't breathe anymore, and they will either suffocate themselves or snap their eyes open and swim up until they see the light they deprived themselves of for however long.

once they've made it to the surface, they gasp to catch their breath, their tears being of the need for pain relief winning against their desire to hurt.

now the water is not a personal vice, but a cleansing presence that makes them feel understood. the water gets it. the water would never judge them for what they did.

after being in the dark embrace of the depths of the ocean for so long, the light finally hitting your eyes makes color seem so much more vibrant.

- 🌙 -

all this to say that, at their worst, cancers can succumb to self destruction like no other, but they have the drive to keep them going to even them out.

they don't just cry all day or switch moods 24/7, they fall into a vat of water that, the deeper they go, reveals more and more of their very soul.

it's the deepest level of shadow work, it's the pain no one wants to go through because it's the pain of losing your personal momentum and then having to find it again in an instant before it's gone forever.

OR i could be totally wrong idk But this is my experience!!!! ✨💞💞✨💞✨💞✨💞✨ God belsls!!!!!!!!

my bad that was real dark and poetic writing now i gotta balance it out Uhhhmmmmm Legalize nuclear bombs. 💥

[ivy-diaries]

‎ ⁎ ‎ ‎ 𓍼 ‎ ‎ ๋ ‎ ◜ &.&. THE IVY INCIDENT ep 1. ◞ ‎ ... ‎ ‎

The intro plays, and Ivy appears on the screen smiling and leaning into the mic to speak. “Hello guys, welcome to my new podcast, 'The Ivy Incident!!’ This has been in the works ever since I stepped into the dive podcast studio when I came here to film the kpop daebak show with Eric so it's soo exciting to finally show you guys this project!�� she laughs as the other staff there are heard clapping.

Laughing, she continues "so in this podcast, I invite my friends from the industry and we just you know, talk and share stories! It's a lot similar to Eric's but mine is more personal if you will because all these people are very very close to me and I've known them for a pretty long time! This episode is just gonna be me cuz this is like an introduction for all the first-time listeners who don't know who I am!" “So I heard Diane has some questions prepared for me, so let's get into it!” 

“let's start with the basics, yeah? Who is Ivy Jennifer James?” Diane asks her. 

“Oh we’re going back to the beginning okay! So as you’ve already mentioned, my name is ivy jennifer james. I was born in New Castle, Australia where I lived till I was five and then I moved to the US where again I lived for five years before moving to Korea when I was eleven. And in korea, i signed with bighit entertainment and when i was asked if i was ready to debut when i was 14 i think? I was like imma do it. So i debuted at 14 under both jype and bighit and the rest is history! And i'm here today hehe”

“What motivated you to pursue a career as a solo artist?”

“Hmm i think ever since i got into bighit, i've always wanted to be a soloist? I'm not really sure why but I always saw myself as a soloist for some reason. Even till now, if you ask my dad he’d say that i was born to do this” ivy laughs and continues “i think ever since i was little ive wanted to something in the field of music and performance”

“Was being a kpop idol your first choice?”

“It was actually! I mean keeping in mind that i started this since i was a literal child, it actually was my first choice. The kids at school did tease me for this but look at me now” ivy chuckles

“Who are your music inspirations?”

“That's a great question and I was literally talking to Jun about this this morning! I dont have one specific inspiration but i think i draw inspiration from any and all artists! I've been pretty inspired by the Beatles and Rolling Stone pretty recently and obviously, Taylor Swift is one of my biggest inspirations out there.” 

“Are you a sweet or savory type of person?”

“It honestly depends on my mood if i'm being honest” she laughs hard “now, im craving something savory! I'd kill for some fries right now oh man you’ve perked up my cravings now diane!!”

“What's the last song you listened to?”

Ivy laughs hard and almost tears up laughing “this is actually so funny oh my god the last song i listened to is actually a helium ingested cover of let me love you by justin bieber which yeonjun sung for me yesterday after a party we went to and let me tell you, it was soo funny!!”

“According to you, tell me 3 flaws and 3 qualities about yourself”

“Ooh, three qualities of mine would be, one, I think I'm kind I guess? Second, I'm somewhat responsible, and third and finally, I think I'm a human sized golden retriever because I'm very bubbly and very smiley smiley most of the time! And three flaws of mine are, one, i’m a big overthinker, i just rethink about every single choice or word of mine a little too much. Second, my moods are based on the weather…”

Ivy laughs at the look on Diane's face “yea.. My mood everyday kinda depends on how good the weather is.. That's why I'm not as fond of the rain because it makes me kind of depressed and I just shut myself off most of the time. Third, im a bit of a perfectionist so i expect any and all things to be a little too perfect.. If its not what i expect it to be, i just leave that and will not ever touch on it again and i know i should change these things and i am trying so.. yeah “

“okay, something similar but three things you like and three things you dislike”

 “I don't like these types of questions!!” she laughs “it makes me think too much to give an answer!! But anyways… hmm three things i like are, one, my husband” she giggles as a small blush is seen on her cheek “well it's true!! I wouldn't have married him if I didn't like him would I?” she giggles “second, i really love what i do so, my career and third, my loved ones! I love my friends and family because they've stuck with me through thick and thin and I'm really grateful for that!” she smiles and gives the camera a little hand heart

“three things i hate are.. Hmm lets see… one, people who do not value privacy. I've said this multiple times and i'll say this again but I do love my fans.. I love them a lot and I wouldn't be here without them. But there are some people who claim that they are fans but do unhinged stuff to get close to me. And like that's why I've sued some people for not valuing my privacy. I got hate for it but honestly I don't care when the privacy and the lives of the people i love are at stake."

"Second, coming back to a slightly normal side, I absolutely hate the smell of fish. I don't know if it's cuz im vegetarian but I always throw up whenever I smell it and third, coming back to a more serious side, I hate the fact that most people on the internet feel like it's their right to comment on us as celebrities or idols or as performers. It's so irritating that they don't even feel sorry for what they say. They don't know how much we over think it and it slowly becomes an insecurity that takes years to wear off.”

“Okay this is your second to last question and the question is, For listeners who may not have heard your music before, can you recommend a few songs that best represent your sound and artistic vision?”

“That is a really good question, oh my god! So I think my discography is quite diverse and I have a lot of songs for different kinds of people who like different things. So the top three songs that i’d recommend to people are, one, vengeance as its called. There's no explanation for that song but I loved making it and loved singing it so that's the first song and second, I have a song called lovers in the night  that i co wrote with seori which I absolutely loved and we had a great time writing the song. And third I think is, my whole album called “for us.”  which i wrote with yeonjun and its songs dedicated for each other and hence called for us!”

“Okay… last question, can you give us any hints of the upcoming guests you have here?” Diane asks, smiling knowingly. Ivy giggles and wiggles her fingers across the camera

“Well I guess I can.. But most of my friends have not given me exact dates of their free schedule so even i’m not really sure on whos coming” she laughs at herself “so that's all i can tell you now because that's just all i know so” she just shrugs as she smiles.

“That's it for this episode and I hope you guys enjoyed this. I'm so excited for all the things we have in store for you guys and I hope you look forward to it!! So this has been ivy so far and thank you for listening to the ivy incident! Have a good day or good night bye!!”

⋆ ivy taglist ˒ @stealanity @alixnsuperstxr @riikiblr @skz-libby @escapetheash (lmk if u wanna be added or removed)

⋆ priya says ˒ so this is not proofread so read at ur own risk lol <33 but if you've come this far,, please reblog with the bow emoji (🎀) so I know that readers are interactive and writers get the credit they deserve!! so lmk who you want to see on ivys podcast and any feedback tbh!! Happy reading!!

[aarmaudiaries]

ya’ll i just had the most humbling experience of my life today so i’m gonna talk about it. for context i am in a school that is 6-12th grade, and there’s like a total of like 24 kids in the whole building (this is because it’s specifically a setting for students with mental disabilities and disorders- and is small on purpose to reduce stress levels) so some of my classes are mixed with little 7th grade boys. specifically my gym/health class because i am the “teachers assistant” for some reason (i did not sign up for this somebody save me /j) and basically i was just minding my business with my aarmau meemeows on my desk because a lot of people carry around plushies as like a support item, so i carry around my aaron and aphmau ones on days where i’m having a hard time and stuff. and this little 4 foot boy taps me on the shoulder and goes “those are from aphmau” and i had a fucking HEART ATTACK. i just stared at him and went “yea. you watch her?” and he got all excited. it was very cute. so we started chatting about it and i was like “oh who’s your favorite character of hers?” and he said ein and i was like interesting choice but ok- and we started talking about aarmau since we both knew a decent amount about them n’ stuff- or at least i thought we did. i was fully convinced we were on the same page but then he started talking about what videos he watches and it hit me like a truck. he watches jess’ CURRENT content. he watches COCOMAU. WHICH MAKES SENSE SINCE HES LIKE A SMALL CHILD BUT FOR SOME REASON I DIDNT REALIZE THATS WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT UNTIL HE MENTIONED LIKE A RECENT VIDEO. so i was just sitting there hiding my absolute whiplash while he asked me if i’d seen any of the videos he was talking about- and i confessed to him that i only like her older stuff from like 2016 and he was like “oh. okay.” HE DIDNT LOOK UPSET OR ANYTHING BUT I STILL FELT A BIT BAD. nothing was worse then when i felt like i was aging rapidly though. like oh my god i am an out of touch elderly woman. pleaseeeee someone put me out of my misery or something because that was so depressing.

but the worst part was when class was almost over and i took out my wallet so i could go buy some oreos from the school store once the period ended or something- and i forgot that i have my mcd aaron keychain hooked onto my damn wallet- so i half expected this kid to like notice it and bring it up in front of everyone. which would’ve been kinda embarrassing if i had to explain to everyone in my gym class who mcd aaron was. but alas he didn’t say anything. and it took me a second to realize the reasons he didn’t recognize the damn keychain was because mcd aaron’s design is DRASTICALLY different from cocomau aaron’s design- SO THE LITTLE BOY HAD NO IDEA WHO IT WAS. WHICH WAS SOMEHOW WORSE THAN HIM BRINGING IT UP CAUSE IT MADE ME FEEL EVEN OLDER. GOOD GOD 😭😭😭 IM CRYING LAUGHING WRITING THIS TOO BECAUSE ITS JUST SO FUNNY TO ME AND I DONT REALLY KNOW WHY?? I was just humbled so bad tbh it was very silly.

ANYWAYS YEA THATS MY STORY HOPE YA’LL HAVE FUN WITH THAT LMFAOOO

[cybercritterinyourcomputer]

writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep

to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?

i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me

i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever

it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here

where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear

its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me

because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head

there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that

i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay