#i still need to do the blood test
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So the doctor asked me to do an ADHD test and stuff even though I was there for blood test lol and the worst part is my mum kept calling me out OJ shit like "yes she is argumentative" and "yes she doesn't respond well to authority" like calm down, at least let me take her out once before you start spiling my secrets.
#pyro speaks#memes#shitpost#everytime she answered a qusstion like that for me it was like#slander#also one of the questions was about something but i spaced out and said 'what'#and then she ticked the 'very high' and i dont know what it was for still#adhd test#all in all#i still need to do the blood test#sad
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moodboard for this past week ❤️
#they should invent a grad school thats not fucking insane#i'm hanging in there but im the most unwell i've been in AWhile#this week was just horrible#there was already the freezer food incident but it also started off with a very severe pain episode thats putting me in constant woe#even mundane motion has been agonizing which is McAwesome bc we had a lab inspection which involved moving hundreds of pounds of equipment#during which we found a blackwidow and rats which we had to deal with and was a whole thing psychologically on top of the physical toll#the new class fiasco is still popping off and i had to respond to at this point over 400 emails in the fleeting moments outside of lab#AND A STUDENT TRIED TO FINANCIALLY BRIBE THEIR WAY INTO THE CLASS ? ?? ?? ?????#then the instructor wanted to use me as a guinea pig and i had to test new circuit boards but I wasnt given any time to do so properly#i had to test them plus get them operational and deal with my incoming students all in a frantic 10 minute window#im in charge of running our meetings too but the instructor was interrupting and having side conversations that made it really hard-#to train the other people on the new equipment in a smooth manner#which meant that a bunch of people had to keep me after to ask questions which made me late for my drs appointment#where i found out i cant get the new covid vaccine bc my heart and blood levels arnt stable enough#and joanns lost an expensive+critical fabric order of mine+i had to give a big presentation this week on my research that was stressful#and my inbox is still blowing up from being needed all over the place between teaching lab and classes and yall i am. so so tired.#im in so much pain and so stressed out#debating the ethics of turning into a pile of lint to escape my responsibilities and mortal frame
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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The Healthcare horrors persist
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#Updates on this whole mess:#Im insured under my dad#he has Healthcare option 1 which is government provided since he is retired millitary and option 2 due to his new job#after his retirement option 1 went funky for me and changed things around meaning i was no longer able to be seen by my pcp#Im also unable to log in to any of my accounts for 1 so im not sure whats going on there and what plan of 1 i have specifically#so i switched to a new pcp which accepted option 2 (which was super hard to find) literally last week#made an appointment with her for next month so i can finally get answers about my funky blood test results#(which is still don't know what specifically is wrong with it! for all i know i could just have high cholesterol-#or i could have markers for rheumatoid arthritis instead of my prior fibromyalgia diagnosis!)#(i also do not get refils for my anxiety medication until i have an appointment with my new doctor)#crisis averted right? WRONG!#I just got a call from my Dad saying he is switching jobs so I am no longer insured under 2#meaning...#1) i need to call option 1 and figure out how to get into my accounts and what my insurance is#2) check that this pcp acceprs said insurance#3) find yet another pcp if she doesnt and make an appointment for god knows when#and here is the kicker:#since option 1 is government and millitary based it is going to take FOREVER to get anything done#And Im not sure if they are going to want me to renew my millitary dependent ID or not#because that shit is EXPIRED and i was under the impression i can no longer renew it due to his retirement#but also in order to make any acoount with option 1 they require a benefits number which expires alongside the ID#Then on the other side of things i also have my wisdom teeth surgery to schedule (through my mom thank god)#and school starting again in a few weeks#going to defenestrate myself istg
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i just want to be happy by default wo needing meds i just wanna be normal. is that like. too much to ask idfk
#meds arent fucking working anymore#and im stressing abt it bc the psych told me i needed to do a blood test#and i. i didnt do it#for like 3 whole months#bc i am DEATHLY afraid of needles just typing this is making me feel queasy#i need my meds upped but i hopeee he doesnt ufckingng idk SHOOT ME ON SIGHT for not doing the blood test#if he says i still need to do it ill litreally jump off a roof#i have TOO MUCH OCD for bloodwork. and he is treating me. for ocd#i cant fuckign do this yall#im so scared my results will come back and it'll say u have 823489234 diseases u will die in 7 day#minnie post
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//went to the dr and all they did was take my fucking blood... again
#ooc#this time they're testing my vitamin d to see if i might be deficient#while i hope that's the case because that can be easily cured i've also HAD a vit d deficiency before and it felt NOTHING like this#granted i guess this could be a more severe deficiency#but idk i feel like they're laser focusing on the fatigue i initially reported and not the constant horrible body pain that's set in#and worsened in the couple months since i made the appointment#like i had the pain with the fatigue as well but it wasn't constant. now it's FUCKING CONSTANT.#it's not always at the worst possible level but it's pretty much always there in some form or another#and tbh this is like. the 3rd time they've taken blood with the first 2 tests yielding no clue as to what could be wrong with me#so i know they need to do it to check and/or rule out everything but like#it's so frustrating. being in constant pain. and constantly being told to 'wait for results' that so far have yielded nothing#nothing that points to what's wrong anyway#so i hope it IS a vit d deficiency and i hope my gut feeling that it's not is way off the mark#because a deficiency can be fixed with some supplements and boom all better#but if it's not.... then i have to face the reality that this is probably some kind of chronic illness#which i've been coming to realize that it might be#but it still fucking sucks#because this time last year i was Literally Fucking Fine#and now i'm just. so fucking sick. and sick of BEING sick.#and every time i go in i feel like i'm rushed right out. like i mention my concerns but i don't have the time to think if there's something#i've forgotten because they're rushing me towards the lab to get my blood drawn. again.#and usually there is#but this is literally the only clinic i can afford rn so#just gotta tough it out and cross my fingers that some vitamins are all i need
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went outside and exercised normally for the first time since The Incident and i felt fine outside of the expected Hasn't Exercised in several months feelings. against doctor's orders btw but i would rather be dead than forced to spend all my time at home not doing a single thing that could exert me in any way <3
#:)#like it's so funny that they mandated i cannot drive leave the country vigorously exercise or eat snack food maybe ever again for no reason#fully my medical notes read like i'm in the managed decline phase of a terrible chronic illness even though i'm literally chilling#i feel no worse than how i normally do a couple weeks after a rough covid infection like babygirl i have no debilitating symptoms.......#PLUS my kidneys are slowly unfucking themselves anyway like. do i really need this much independence taken away for my own protection......#longterm housebound for a short term Silly Incident??? please be serious for more than two seconds#cranky about this because it's been a month and there's still no diagnosis but they have the room to tell me what i can't do#my appointment a couple days ago was supposed to clear me to do certain things again but they denied it and i've been sulking for days#literally the only thing wrong with me is that my blood tests are saying bad things and some really annoying side effects of my meds#and i can guarantee that me resting and doing nothing is not the reason i'm not in pain or otherwise suffering in any measurable way#even when i was actively in a state of dying in hospital i wasn't in pain like get with it!!!#sometimes if i think about this too hard i end up feeling like a caged animal lmao
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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i wanna draw so badddddd. i wanna draw so BADDDDDD. but i CAN’TTTTTT
#marzi speaks#not only do my ankles hurt#but my wrists (which are still bruised from all the bloodwork i’ve had done) are acting up too#i’m so maaaaaaddddd. let me DRAWWWWWWW#temper tantrum. i wanna throw one. not that i have the ENERGY#>:((((((((#can u tell i’m hitting the ‘ok i’m sick of this’ stage of recovery#i had to get my chest x-rayed in a freezing cold room today. i had to get six more vials of blood drawn so they could run tests on fucking.#everything#i had to walk around extra and now my ankles are hurting because this is the first time i’ve left the house since discharge#i have a charm sitting in my mailbox that i wanna go get but i cannot walk the short distance to go get the mail#also i’ll probably get bit up by mosquitos. and the last thing i need rn is more discomfort#uuuuuuuuuugggghhhhh i’m so TIRED of it all. i want to be healthy again#worst part is i can tell i need to have a cry about it but i cannot get myself to cry. hrhrhrhrrhgggrgrrrrrggghh#gonna lose it. gonna lose my whole mind
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MRI is finished! It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. The worst part was getting an IV, and that's just cause I have deep veins. And they let me listen to rock hits inside the machine too :3 overall a good experience
-🫐
Oh god I didn’t know there was an IV involved 🤮 nevermind I don’t need an MRI
#not like they were gonna find anything hypothetically#I’m still paying off my goddamn blood tests from over a year ago that went ‘yeah no sorry you just have ‘something is off’ condition’#like I get wanting to find a better diagnosis than fibromyalgia but I am perfectly happy with that diagnosis#I’m not saying I regret getting $1k worth of blood tests to SEE if it was anything else#but evidentially it wasn’t anything they screened for so really really I do not need any further tests#punk gets mail#🫐 anon
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ren save me. ren. save me ren.
#woke up to find my cc was stolen by a gamer (tm) who bought multiple xbox games. every doctor under the sun is calling me.#found out my cardio stress test is going to take multiple hours + i have to fast until it's done (so like... until 1-2pm?)#and i have blood sugar issues AND i can't take my heart meds that manage my POTS beforehand. having A Day.#distracting myself by making some ren moodboards tho... i just need ppl to stop calling me ARGH.#i was also able to work on more blog back-ups which is nice. still have a couple more old ones#to do + backing up specific tags on certain blogs so i have to figure out the syntax for that in tumblr utils#but. we're getting there. getting anxious thinking about backing up old gif-making blogs tho. how big are those going to be...? 😖#and lowkey freaking out abt the future of this site. but we stay silly... we stay silly...#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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my stomach hurts despite the fact tht im no longer anxious abt what i was anxious abt before. starting to think maybe i am just experincing stomach pain sperate from my anxiety and stress abt everything. this has been rarefor me lately.
#CAN SOMEONE PLEASEE PELASEE RB THIS WITH A PICTURE OF CHIDI ANAGONYE WITH A SPEACH BUBBLE#PLSS PLSS !!#anyway literally so real been worrying abt smth for agess then it hasnt been fully resloved but im less anxious abt it now#but still tummy hurts . owchie#maybe it my period the fun thing abt with whatevers wrong w me where my period is fucked i thought i new what it was but it turns out#we still need to do blood tests abt it . but the fun thing abt tht is tht i never get it but whenever i do its random af#flappy rambles
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🦋
#so ive been in contact w a clinic for a specific treatment plan&ive been getting paperwork together for this shit for like 3wks+#&i just got a call about it-- a call ive been waiting for since last week-- only for them to tell me that#ill probably need to be hospitalized for the full extent of the treatment. lmao.#as if this in&of itself was not enough to send me full-on spiraling they let know that this will be totally out of pocket#(which i guess im more or less used to hearing at this point in my life lmao)#&also that i POPPED FOR AMPHETAMINES?#so i immediately start fucking freaking out&the person im talking to is trying to calm me down like#'its okay! youre not in trouble!'#&honest to god if i had been in person i wouldve smacked someone lmao.#i dont give a fuck what you fucking ppl think of me. ive been fighting for solid communication for this entire process#there isnt any reason i should feel inclined to respect any of you bitches enough to give a fuck about your opinion.#even if i didnt have my personal history or occupational hazard list IT WOULD BE CONCERNING TO FIND OUT I HAVE RANDOM DRUGS#IN MY SYSTEM THAT I WAS UNAWARE OF. &frankly that SHOULD be fucking obvious if i am panicking at all.#seeing as a did several different drug tests i dont see how any of it would come as a fucking surprise.#... then she realized that my blood test was negative&my piss test was 'presumptively positive'#&was like that bc of one of my other medications.#im not. THRILLED. that this was overlooked for a large variety of reasons lmao#but the fact that the med evals only last two weeks tops the list bc if i need to retest bc of this shit-- something that wont even#give them a different test result as i am still taking the same medication fucking daily as i have been for over a year now--#i will need to do EVERYTHING again. for no reason. DEFINITELY for no reason caused by me.#all so they can tell me that they lied to me initially&they wont treat me unless i let them hospitalize me lmao.#im going to go fucking rabid. i Do Not want to be hospitalized. lmao.
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CW: talkin’ about my scars and the experience of having blood drawn
oh, the tension between me and the poor urgent care staff member that’s been assigned the arduous task of trying to find one of my tiny escape artist veins so they can draw my blood whilst doing their absolute best to be polite and not say anything about the fucked up and concerning amount of scars on my arms, wrists, and hands
#cw sh mention#sh mention#cw blood mention#blood mention#cw medical#cw health issues#Seven.txt#most of the scars are very old and white but they are still unmistakable and they don’t bother me but i do always feel a lil bad#for whoever is drawing my blood or giving me a shot or whatever cause they’re probably like. concerned but don’t wanna say anything#i don’t actually know what they’re thinking though. maybe they see it often enough that they’re not that bothered by it!#i told the first person that tried to do the draw that i have a history of it being hard to find a vein#and they really tried!#but like i figured i had to sit there and drink some more water while they called in someone with more experience lmao#they got it tho!! so it’s all good and they were very nice! they complimented my perfume and we chatted about essential oils while waiting#there’s smthn relaxing about having blood drawn. to me. maybe i’m just insane tho#i just. like medical stuff??? it’s calming in a way. knowing that i’m getting tested and hopefully getting answers to my health concerns#the next few days of waiting for the test results is very much so NOT relaxing tho#so if anyone needs me i’ll be sitting here staring at my phone in anticipation :)
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got the literal smallest amount of work ever done today and im so fucking exhausted 😭 trying very much not to be too hard on myself bc of this but it sure aint easy !
#so much i still need todo before monday but its just too much#all i wanna do is sleep#i really dont understand why im so tired#and blood tests didnt show anything off either#so idk whats going on 😭#salisha speaks
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Why does the shit that makes me cry always happen the evening after I have therapy and not before -_-
Like damn now I gotta wait another week+ before talking about this like fuck I gotta process this all by myself
#basically my mom's ptsd ended up getting redirected at me#and the result of all that has me spiraling now#and now i have to try to go to bed and get enough sleep so that i can wake up reasonably tomorrow#and looking at the script i got for an ekg and blood test#so that they can see if my heart is healthy and i can get stimulants#and then maybe fix my adhd and make me a good person#instead of the shitty shitty being i am now#and im frustrated bc i was ok and then stuff like this happens and i plunge and im not okay#and i still hate myself and still feel guilty and still want to [redacted]#and if i kept my mouth shut everything would just be fine#im sorry i needed to vent im just feeling a lot#i can delete later i need better coping mechanisms#but fuck#if anyone wants to give me $10k so i can move out thanks#jk dont actually do that
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