#all so they can tell me that they lied to me initially&they wont treat me unless i let them hospitalize me lmao.

[youremyheaven]

https://www.tumblr.com/youremyheaven/757046870112681984/httpswwwtumblrcomyouremyheaven75703907683788?source=share 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭ohh my god really my college boys are so immature 😫😫 that's why they treat my freinds like this btw your 24 are you pursuing you master's or job really i am studying in college and intrested in vedic ans stuff but bruhh i hate my college boys they are just 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 we all need a responsible man just like him hope i find one can you tell what your experience in first relationship and firt time in ✨️it ( if you not comfortable don't tell just need some advice) AND FOR YOU I AM MANIFESTING THAT GUY AS YOUR HUSBAND

Cheek dapat dam dam chuu swaha ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️ heaven giel get this guy as husband with more greatness 👏

😭😭😭🥹🥹🥹🥺🥺🥺you're SOOOO SWEET, pura ka pura cutie pie <333

i graduated already and im just working at the moment. i dont really feel like studying further tbh lmao and im entering an industry where work exp matters more than degrees so✌🏻

and yes college boys will always be shitty, dont lose hope, after college you'll meet better guys!!! <3 and the thing is dudes under 25 are just little boys,, veryyyy few of them are mature and this guy is the rare exception

NSFW CONTENT MINORS DNI

my first time was when i was 16-17 and the guy was 18 and a major asshole and he forced me to "date" him and then he r*ped me 🤡🤡🤡so i technically lost my virginity to r*pe but i dont want to think about that or consider that as my first time

i had my first "real" boyfriend in 12th grade and on Farewell day (its like the Indian version of Prom for all of you non-desis) he took me to his house and no one was home so we banged hehe<3333 he had a huge dick and it hurt and im pretty sure the whole thing did not fit lmao

i feel like a lot of virgins dont understand this but (and this also depends on the guy's penis size) penises dont often go all the way in when you're having sex for the first time!! and it takes a while for your punani to stretch comfortably and "take" d*ck. ALWAYS USE LUBE, the more lubricated you are down there, the easier it will be to take him in. your partner should be understanding and considerate of the fact that penetration is a physically painful experience initially and they should do whatever they can to make it less so.

that said, penetration SHOULD NOT HURT after the first few times, it SHOULD feel good. you dont have to be waxed bare down there or anything, obviously its nice to be groomed but its okay to have a little hair (or a full bush, thats up to you but i feel like first impressions matter so i like to keep it trimmed hehe, ik a lot of feminists are going to be like 😠😠no i wont shave for a man😠😠 but honestly he's shaving his balls for me and id feel a bit awkward if he was veryyy hairy down there so i get it and dont mind grooming in return<33)

sex should be enjoyable for both parties??? and remember real life is not porn!! he's not going to last for 6 hours and neither do you want him to because being pounded into for more than like 10 mins is annoying tbh and you'd just wish he'd come asap ,,, remember that sex is like physical exercise so u get tired after a while,, the whole "fuck all night" stuff is rare and mostly happens in movies lmao,, as long as you have time with them, you can go multiple rounds but feeling tired is real asf

ALWAYS USE PROTECTION, they might try to pull the "my dick is too big for these local condoms/it doesnt feel good with condoms" etc excuses BUT TRUST ME THOSE ARE LIES,, just USE PROTECTION

in india, we have something called an "i-pill" (morning after pill for non desis) and its less than 100 bucks at the medical store. no one will ask you anything for getting it, they usually dont care so dont hesitate!!! its better if the guy can get it for you and if your guy wont even buy you an i-pill then should you even be having sex with him????

there are side effects to taking the i-pill, your period may be late/have heavy flow/irregular bleeding, or you can experience nausea/dizziness etc after taking it. thankfully i have no symptoms and it feels normal ish but exercise CAUTION!!!

put a pillow under your back when you have sex, it helps make it hurt less!! bc your back is supported.

always clean up after you have sex!! go take a shower, gargle your mouth, make sure you dont have any of his cum near your kitty because semen will find its way inside you in mysterious ways 💀💀

STAY SAFE, HAVE FUN <333

AYYYYY 😭😭😭idk about husband stuff yet but I do hope my future husband is just as attentive, caring, considerate, loving, warm and kind as him

but u are soooo sweet MWAH MWAH

love,

Heaven

[notsohehehahanow]

I know the mike initiating a kiss or making the first move is a popular thing among bylers but i dont think that would be/should be the case AND HERES WHY 🤓☝ *mcyter with lists voice* (i get sidetracked so bear with me)

For starters; we've come to a conclusion that mike has internalized homophobia and there's plenty of evidence to back this up, he wants to be "normal" and in the 80s being gay was abnormal, this is a commonly known thing that's mentioned a lot amongst bylers and its precisely the reason i dont think mike would be the one to make the first move

Mike does everything in his power to be a normal person which is why i think he was willing to lie to el so easily in season 3

This is where i get sidetracked but really its just backup analyzing for this

Before gay marriage was legal, lavender marriages were everywhere or at least a fairly common thing, in case you dont know lavender marriages are marriages that were used to cover the sexuality of one or both of the people getting married, which i think ties in with mike and els dynamic (will get to that later)

Mike uses el as a cover or a way to be normal, its what he grew up around and its what he saw on tv gay relationships just werent considered normal

In season 3 mike lies to el so he can continue to see her, to continue to have a cover or something that convinces him hes "normal", and all they really did was make-out because "thats what couples do"

You have the season 3 rain fight which ive seen multiple people mention that mike was blatantly reflecting but ive never seen anyone explain it more - will says something about mike and el (seemingly) constantly kissing, referring to el as "a stupid girl" and while mike did defend el, he couldve just left it at "els not stupid", "its not my fault you dont like girls" did not need to be there. He felt like will was seeing through the amount of effort he had been putting into normal and panicked, saying something he didnt mean and we can visibly see he didnt mean it

In season 4 theres the rollerrink fight, another instance where mike says something he didnt mean or like to say - will complains about mike not sending him letters whereas el has "a whole book of them", mike tells him "thats because shes my girlfriend" to which will asks "and us?" Which mike once again saw as will seeing through mike and he panicked, feeling the need to clarify that theyre just friends and wont be more, wills follow up shows hes more upset mike doesnt treat him like theyre best friends than the idea of them dating, wills already accepted the idea that mike doesnt like him the way he likes mike

The letters isnt because mike didnt want to talk to will, he most definitely tried (sitting by the phone and whining about joyce being on the phone all the time making it busy) but its because EVERYONE in hawkins knows who will is and theyll hear about it him growing up, hes the boy who was dead for a week and came back literally all over the newspapers as "zombie boy"

Mike would not be able to get away with being seen as "normal" while writing and receiving letters from another boy, especially if someone found out because for all he knows they could be the wrong person and suddenly all the work he puts into being "normal" has been washed away

With all that said; mike and will both have internalized homophobia on different ends, will knows and accepts it knowing he cant change it but he also hates it, and mike knows but denies it - i dont think mike would be the one to make the first move, i think it would be will

Idk thats it thats all i got

Will byers making the first move 🙏🙏

[pancakeke]

another long work post lol

my parent company's female empowerment/women in tech initiative is doing a book club. the book is about being confident and challenging gender stereotypes to succeed in the workplace. tho the focus of this post is not about the book.

someone who was with my branch before we were acquired by the parent company was a part of this book club. she's still a part of our branch but she works mainly with the parent company.

in our first club meeting, this coworker brought up that her biggest takeaway was how staying at one company for a long time makes it hard to escape preconceived notions that people have of you. now that she works more with our parent company she's been able to get a fresh start and feel less held back by people's dated perceptions her.

the whole time she spoke I was just staring dead eyed at this call like girl... two months ago I met with HR to start a hostile workplace environment case because specifically you and three other people have been harassing and retaliating against me (and everyone around me) with zero accountability. this is not new, ive been trying to get your managers to reel in your inappropriate behavior for a LONG time. and I never used old examples, there's always soemthing new.

this has been going on since the day I met her. it's been 8 years. what "preconceived notions" is she talking about when she treats me like shit over nothing every time we interact. I have an open email chain with her where I've been trying to get incredibly simple info from her but she refuses to tell me anything for some unknown reason that she also wont explain. I've followed up 4 times and now she won't even reply anymore.

I have a similar email chain with her about a process she was supposed to implement 10 months ago but never did, so I have to continuously clean up everything behind her. she also won't explain why she didn't/isn't implementing it. though she did try to lie and claim that no one ever told her anything about this plan (she was on all the meetings and emails chains about it so?) am I taking crazy pills?

i think we need a female empowerment in the workplace book that has a side bar for women who think the reason they dont get what they want is because they're meek and get treated like doormats. but in reality they're overtly aggressive nightmares whose lies, vengefulness, and total disregard for processes make the jobs of everyone around them nightmares.

like, these types of women don't need confidence to do as they please so they can stand up for themselves. they need confidence so they can to act normal and stop behaving aggressively as a defense mechanism.

advice for those two things probably converge a good amount but I think it's important to specifically tell people like this lady that no, margaret thatcher did not have girl power. she was just a horrible cunt.

[curious-menace]

Riddler hug/cuddling Headcanons

so like. no excuse for this, its pure self indulgence but tbh id kinda like a hug so im imagining how these nerds might give me one.

warning, i got very carried away with writing. 

Arkham !Riddler

oh boy arkham riddler REALLY needs a hug. he is probably the most touch starved of all the riddlers, definitely the most clingy. he is too afraid of being hurt, physically or emotionally, to be the one to initiate the hug and if you come to him he will absolutely fight it. at the start anyway.

he’s going to cry if you give him a decent hug. he’s been so high strung for so long that a simple touch like that is going to send him overboard.

it starts off with him a stiff as a board, tense incase he needs to run away. but once he realises you wont hurt him he’ll start to relax a little, he usually crosses his arms across your back, under your arms rather than over. he also likes to rest his head in the crook of your neck.

like i said, he’ll probably cry at some point, so he becomes tense again as his shoulders shake, he starts to dig his hands into your back for fear you’ll let go. he keeps burying his head into your neck/shoulder so you cant see how red his face and eyes have gotten. he’s embarrassed to be like this over a hug, especially around you.

after that he will always be in your space. he’ll want to lie across you on the sofa, sit in his lap/ him sit in your lap while he works on his computer and he literally cannot sleep at night unless you have at least one arm draped across his back ( but preferably let him curl up in your arms completely )

he’s quite boney tbh. when you hug him you can feel his ribs and spine, he really likes to press his entire body to yours. He also hugs quite hard so don't be surprised if you lose your balance when he runs to you.

Blacklight! Riddler

blacklight riddler used to be like arkham riddler, he was touch starved and desperate for affection. But unlike arkham riddler, he actually receives hugs on a regular basis. 

He’s around 5ft8 so he is a great height for giving and receiving hugs. if you are smaller than him he likes to rest his head on top of your head , maybe give optional head smooches while hes at it. if you're taller than him he likes to press his face into your chest/neck, especially if this is a comforting hug. Your scent is calming to him 

he hugs kinda weird. its always one arm over your shoulder and one under your arm. He also likes to sneak up on you, rest his chin on your shoulder while he’s hugging you. strange but at least they're warm and soft.

i've mentioned before he likes to sleep in people's laps, but he enjoys being big spoon just as much as little spoon. he likes having people sit between his legs but he is very fidgety, don't expect it to last for long. 

he’s not clingy persay, but he does love sharing space with people. hes a “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile” kind of person when it comes to personal space.

the only time he doesn't like hugs (rare as that is) is when he’s having a meltdown/implosion. SOMETIMES he likes deep pressure to calm himself but it should really come from something like a T-jacket or a weighted blanket. if you touch him when he’s like that it’ll just stress him out more. just use your words and give him some space. Later, when hes calm or if he’s feeling embarrassed about having a meltdown/implosion somewhere people can see him, that's the time he’ll want comfort. 

BTAS! Riddler

this riddler is a bit touch adversed. he usually tolerates hugs in a social setting but just about. other people touching him, particularly people he doesn't know well , sets his teeth on edge. 

its different with people he knows, however. he’s very casual with his hugs, and very happy to have You in his personal bubble. even if its just tossing an arm around your waist or shoulder as you walk, its nice to be near a comforting presence like you are to him. he’s fond of hugs that don't close you both in, even though he can usually see over the top of you, it makes him feel claustrophobic 

hes pretty tall, you’d be hard pressed to be level with him so he usually hugs by putting his arms around your shoulders, maybe crossing his wrists at the back of your neck. as he is so tall, most peoples hugs on him will probably be around the waist. don't be surprised if he bends down to give you a quick peck or head bump while you're hugging him.

Its sometimes hard for him to spoon given he is quite tall, but he doesn't really mind what position you maneuver into to give him cuddles. he likes to rest against people while sitting on a sofa or lie with his head on your shoulder in bed

He gives good comforting hugs, he’s naturally very warm both in personality and temperature . lots of “oh darling dry those eyes” or “there there my love” with head pats and soft cooing . he wont even complain if you mess up his suit by balling your hands in the fabric or crying all over his sleeves. and he REALLY likes his suits. 

can be a little patronising with the head pats but honestly, he is a gentle giant type guy, he doesn't mean to be rude, everyone is just so small compared to him he cant help but treat them like kids sometimes. 

Original!Riddler

another tall lad, but he’s like one of those big dogs who doesn't know he’s big. He is friend shaped, gives excellent hugs that are very warm and all encompassing. you would feel very safe getting a hug from this riddler

the only danger is being squished a little. sometimes he doesn't quite know his own strength when it comes to hugs.he’s particularly bad at this while cuddling in bed. if he’s half asleep and you try to move away, he might reflexively latch on and inadvertently hurt you in the process. the utter horror of thinking he’s hurt you is enough to make him not want to be near you for a few days while he apologises profusely .

he is very lanky, his hugs can wrap all the way around you until his arms are nearly touching him on the other side. only a small risk of being suffocated. 

he likes it when his partner jumps for him, into a hug so he can catch them and spin them in his arms. no idea why, guess he’s just a dramatic dance kid at heart. he also prefers to be little spoon with a special fondness for partners who completely wrap themselves around him like a warm, scenintient backpack 

likes lying under a blanket on the sofa, his face pressed into your tummy with his arms around your back. you can use him as a table if you like, he wont mind. His back is always sore ( probably because he lies like this a lot) so he appreciates back rubs while hugging .

mooves around in his sleep too much to be constrained by cuddling. if you try and hold onto him it’ll either be like riding a bucking bull or trying to get out of quicksand, no inbetween. he sleeps like a dead man too so good luck waking him if you’re uncomfortable.

telltale! Riddler

hugs are few and far between. doesnt hug much, even at home. He likes to use hugs to show off or rather, show you off. he likes having some one pretty on his arm for casual, public cuddling as a power move. 

has occasional nightmares about what SANTUS did to him and as a side effect of the LOTUS. this is one of the rare times he’ll tolerate and even expect to be held and cuddled by you. he needs something like the pressure from a good ,long hug to ground him back in reality, in the here and now. 

in public he’s most likely to throw his arm around your waist or shoulder, quite possessive if i'm honest. he can be a little rough at times, gripping your shoulder or waist a little too hard when someone is pissing him off or making a move on you. he has left bruises but its never intentional. he’s a lot stronger than the average man and sometimes he forgets that. 

in private he’s a little more relaxed. sometime he just likes to share space, like having your legs over him on the sofa. sometimes hes more demanding and wants you to sit in his lap with your arms draped over him.

He demands a lot of you, but never physical contact. if he wanted a hug he would simply stand and wait for you to initiate it. likewise, he’ll always ask for your permission before he comes into your space. 

He likes to hug from behind and often picks you up off the ground, whatever way he’s hugging you. He likes to show off how strong he is despite being one of the shorter riddlers. 

Zero year!Riddler

his idea of cuddling is resting a body part on you. he might stretch his legs over yours, intertwine them while sleeping or use you as a pillow while he reads. Hes not great at being big spoon tbh; if you want him to do much more than just chilling there and letting you do the work, youll need to tell him.

like btas riddler, he’s a human furnace. he just radiates heat all times of the year. good for warming up in the winter, bad for not sticking to one another in the summer. He’s basically a big cat. cuddles on his terms, paws at you when he wants something and pushes you away when he doesn't.

thinks he’s a smooth mfer when it comes to cuddling and spooning. has 100% done that old yawn, stretch and slide an arm around you thing that all teenagers think is the height of sophisticated moves.  it only works sometimes though, more often than not he’ll simply huff and drag you towards him from the other side of the bed or sofa and demand hugs.

hes another tall riddler. he likes to use his height to his advantage by hugging you around your head so you cant escape. he also likes to have a hand on your head and one on your shoulder, sort of like he’s shielding you from something. it can be nice but sometimes, you do need to see where you're going. 

he likes to press his face into your chest/breasts just for badness. he has large hands so he can almost wrap them around your sides and back at the same time for maximum squish. he doesn't often press his entire body into you while you hug but when he does, oh boy i hope you don't have plans. you wont be leaving for a while.

he likes to cuddle in weird places. like you might be riding the subway and he’ll sneakily link his arm with yours and rest his head on your shoulder. maybe you're eating dinner and he’s trying to twist your legs together with his. maybe you're minding your own business on the sofa, he’ll try to slip between you and the cushions so you're practically sitting on him instead. 

OH BOY THIS TOOK MUCH LONGER THAN I THOUGHT. WOOPS THERE GOES THE ENTIRE DAY.

lmao i had fun so i guess it was time well spent.

got anymore headcanons you want to talk about? wana ask me something specific about riddler? hmu with an ask, im always happy to talk about our favorite curious menace💜💚

[onf-headcanons]

ONF IN PSYCHO PASS AU (part 1)

Setting : angst, murder (influenced mass murder), futuristic society, you can read the introduction post prior reading this AU headcanon (for a better understanding cos some keywords will be slightly difficult for non anime audiences)

And warning long post and shipping hinting (I wont write it over explicit but if you are anime audience you can get the hint of which character I based so its suggestive should you integrated anime counterpart to ONF couterpart) if you are uncomfortable with that just kindly ignore it. Only adding it not just because to follow original series but also for the AU/headcanon storyline conflict purposes

Theme song (if you really want to)

Opening : The Realist by ONF

Ending : FLOWER by XIA Junsu ft Tablo

*Special recommend (from original anime) :

Abnormalize by Ling Toshite Sigure (season 1)

Namae no nai Kaibutsu by Egoist (season 1)

Below is the known situation when the story starts in Yuto's POV

Yuto - Inspector

Changyoon - Inspector

Hyojin - Enforcer

Jaeyoung - Enforcer

Minkyun - Analyst

Seungjun & Minseok - dead

And again sorry if its messy (Cos mainly I just want this AU to exist and making it to a birthday gift for myself XD)

The whole structure is followed the anime,but I will fast paced-ify to focus on main storyline. Also I will tweak my words/wordings to a more simpler format so that I wont cause you all headache.

1-1

(loosely based from episode 1 and 2)

Its first day for Yuto joining CID as an Inspector, he is under Changyoon. Changyoon, who has already read the profile of his new subordinate/partner, lets Yuto to omit the self introduction as they head off to crime scene at a second tier city nearby.

(He is the first foreigner in the team? why not?)

Before they left, Minkyun comes over to hand Changyoon a briefcase mentioning that there is bit of queue. Yuto thanked Minkyun in a hurry.

On the way, Changyoon guided Yuto to login into system with Dominator gun, just coldly confirmed with Yuto if he knows how to use it. Once Yuto got everything checked, Changyoon went back to his silent mode.

They need to hunt down a man who has escaped (same reason as anime or whatever reason you felt convenient).

At the place its rainy and its already night, Inspectors arrived along with another wagon/van where Enforcers are inside. Yuto thought they are back ups, which is not entirely wrong.

Changyoon shortly briefs Yuto about Enforcers. Quote, " Those inside are beings where their Psycho Pass readings are not of accepted range". Its more like Changyoon is trying to set Yuto a mindset that don't think Enforcers as an ally/ same being as us.

As the door of wagon opens, 2 Enforcers steps out, they noticed new member standing beside Changyoon. Due to documentation's wording and Changyoon's words, Yuto thought Enforcers would be people who looks menacing and tough, those by 1 glance you could immediately tell they are used to be/potentially to be psychopathic criminal...

But to Yuto surprise, both Enforcers in suits looks pretty like decent normal person, just like him. One with red hair who is slightly shorter and another with black who is taller.

Both Enforcers approaches to Changyoon with smiley face. While Changyoon just look at him expressionless. The one in red hair with a friendly tone goes, " Glad you are not working alone now Changyoon." But Changyoon only just give him the "Whatever you say" look. And the Enforcer with red hair seems to used to Changyoon's coldness.

Meanwhile, the Enforcer with black hair approaches Yuto to introduce himself and his colleague. He is Jaeyoung while the other one is Hyojin. Yuto responded politely. And Hyojin smiles at Yuto brightly to the extent Yuto slightly questions if looks really are deceiving? Then just how scary these decent looking person's Psycho Pass were when they are actually friendly?

But Yuto's distracted thought was pulled back to reality when Changyoon starts to brief on team missions. Hyojin is assigned to Yuto while Jaeyoung follows Changyoon instead.

While searching for the escaped criminal by checking the area's alleys and back alleys, Hyojin being friendly and tried giving Yuto mental security by offering to answer his doubts because he was once a rookie like him too. Yuto being the good student, has go through documents and manuals so he does not have much questions, but only worry on if he could do good on practical events.

Hyojin's advise was those manuals and what Yuto has learnt prior joining only serve as a guide and reference, so better don't over rely as case by case are all different. However, Hyojin ensures him by saying. "Don't worry, it is us Enforcers who do dirty work. for most of the times"

Out of curiousity, (and with Hyojin's permission) Yuto armed Dominator gun towards Hyojin to check/confirm on Hyojin's Psycho Pass. And it is higher than society acceptance range. Seeing the truth, Yuto inhales a bit of air, he could not help think and compare Hyojin to those physical attributes/vibes gave of by criminals he seen from TV.

Jaeyoung's voice could be heard via bluetooth earphones, mentioning he and Changyoon has found the criminal but the criminal has escaped towards Yuto and Hyojin's direction, along with a hostage. Jaeyoung and Changyoon are now attending the abandoned hostage. (Initially there are 2)

Changyoon approves of Enforcer to shoot should situation calls for that move.

As Jaeyoung's sentence finishes, the criminal dashes out from the corner and Hyojin immediately rushes in front of Yuto with Dominator armed and ready, his friendly vibe are gone and totally different, his emitting aura that are spiking with alert and defense mode.

Since the place they are standing is a dead end, for sure the criminal will back off and escape again. And before Yuto could make a quick decision, Hyojin fires precisely at criminal with Lethal Eliminator mode. It all happens too quick but Yuto grasps the situation fast enough to rush towards the hostage.

As Yuto gotten the hostage in his arm, he softly tries to calm the hostage down. But while doing it, he could the red haired Enforcer behind him coldly requesting Yuto to move away from the hostage.

Yuto immediately understood that the extermination of criminal in front of hostage's presence moments ago triggered the raise of Psycho Pass of the hostage, and now the hostage's stress level is high enough for Dominator and system to see the hostage as threat to fire. One relieving point was, Hyojin's gun is not in Lethal Eliminator mode, so Yuto could tell that there is not really a necessary for Hyojin to fire just yet.

"Wait, ..." Yuto tries to convince Hyojin but the hostage took the opportunity to run. Hyojin chases the hostage and yells at Yuto to catch up.

And Hyojin informs the others through bluetooth that the hostage's Crime Coefficent has went up.

Yuto, wants to change the situation, hurriedly stands up and followed Hyojin. While running and convincing Hyojin that the hostage is only a victim of crime, Yuto realised the object he is holding and quickly plans.

As Hyojin chases the hostage to another dead end, the hostage start to break down and cry as they noticed its dead end. Their stress level are not coming down and they clearly knew what fate lies ahead as the police is chasing them.

Seeing that, Yuto know he cannot wait to explain or persuade Hyojin, so instead of firing at the hostage, Yuto paralyses Hyojin from behind using Dominator trying to save the hostage. The hostage calms down seeing the possibility to not being executed/treated as a criminal.

When Changyoon and Jaeyoung arrives to the spot, they are confused if the hostage assaulted Hyojin. And Changyoon checked the hostage's Crime Coefficient, it is now back to normal. However, as procedure for victim of crime to get treatment and assessment, Changyoon still fires at the hostage to paralyses them.

Hyojin and the hostage are to be hospitalized for the time being. And since Yuto confessed that Hyojin was not assaulted by hostage but paralyzed by Yuto's Dominator, Changyoon demanded a report from him to explain his actions.

The next day Yuto woke up worried if he had ruined his career by the first day. Feeling apologetic, he goes to the hospital to check up on Hyojin after settling a case with Jaeyoung, and he has to oversee the victim to be sent to hospital.

Jaeyoung reminded Yuto that its the same hospital Hyojin and yesterday hostage were in. Yuto then Jaeyoung to return to van while he will check on Hyojin quickly.

Hyojin, who is now numb and paralyzed, lying on the bed with his eyes open, staring at the ceiling and walls blankly.

Hyojin's hunch made him asked Yuto what was Changyoon's response towards Yuto's actions. And Yuto told him the truth that he will need to submit a report. Hyojin only laughs at Changyoon for being a stuborn head and stiff, just like old times.

"Have you done the report then?" Hyojin asks, Yuto only shakes his head replying that he does not know how to start and what to write.

Hyojin, with a playful tone, teased that should Yuto did not paralyzed him, he could write the report on his behalf as a welcome to the team gift, but since he is now paralyzed, Yuto will need to do it on his own.

Yuto felt a bit bad about that, but Hyojin assures him that Hyojin can let it slide should Yuto buy him lunch once he discharged.

"HAHA, should Changyoon ever finds out you drop by to check on me, he might sulk even more." Hyojin mutters in a playful but weary tone.

"Eh?" Yuto gets a little panicked, "Inspectors should not visit or come contact with Enforcers after office hours?"

Hyojin denies Yuto's speculation and mentioned that he does not blame Yuto for what happened, and asks Yuto to check the hostage as well, hoping the hostage can control their stress level well so that they can discharge soon. And Hyojin also jokingly say that hope the hostage won't bump into him in the future, even though unlikely since Enforcer lived a very controlled life.

"Don't be intimidated by Changyoon, give him a bit of time to get used to your presence. Also keep in mind he means no harm." Hyojin adds

Yuto could tell Hyojin is not someone that cold and mean. And he starts to smile back a little again.

Yuto feel like asking if Hyojin and Changyoon knows each other way back, but he had to do that the next time because he still has a report to submit.

Yuto then starts his life adapting and learning how things operating in CID, he is a quick learner so Changyoon is quite content about it. Not long after, he assigned Yuto to head off to crime scene inspection with Jaeyoung while waiting for Hyojin to discharge.

1-2

(loosely based on episode 2 and 3 but I omitted most details of the crime case)

Yuto and Jaeyoung are working on a night time shift. The monitoring system alerts them of a potential area stress level rising/ potential target stress level rising so they had to head out.

As Yuto is still a bit inexperienced, Jaeyoung was the one who identified the target. After handling potential threat target, Jaeyoung talked about him being Enforcer for a long time, even longer than Hyojin and telling Yuto not to feel bad about it because experience will grow as time pass.

And also Jaeyoung hinted that it is also because he is "different" than Yuto, thats why he can intuitively know by first glance when someone's looks fishy.

Yuto felt inexperience is just sugar coating his incapability, and that thought shows on his face. So Jaeyoung told him that : " Don't think that you are useless for the time being. "

"Enforcers can't walk around outside without an accompanying Inspector. Your job is also to monitor Enforcers too, so that they won't slack off escape or cause society trouble. Even if that's all you can do for now, that is all you need to do." Jaeyoung continues.

That did not leave a good after taste for Yuto even it is the truth.

As days pass, Yuto did good handling on cases now as he gets the hang of it. Jaeyoung sees leading quality budding in Yuto and sometimes praises Yuto in front of Changyoon. And even with Minkyun, they both teased Changyoon to soften up a little so that he would stop scaring Yuto.

Yuto and Minkyun did to have a bit of get to know each other time when Changyoon and Jaeyoung head out to patrol. Yuto and Minkyun are back up support.

its lunchtime and Minkyun invited Yuto for lunch. So they get know each other for a bit.

Minkyun was glad to have Yuto joining the team because Changyoon and Hyojin are both quite uptight. But Yuto said he did not see Hyojin as the strict character. Minkyun laugh it off by saying that is because Yuto did not know Hyojin long enough.

It later surprised Minkyun that Yuto actually Sibyl system's judgement/assessment towards Yuto, were exceedingly excel. He got A ranking for a number of ministries and agencies and a couple of companies.

Minkyun exclaims as he nearly choked on his food : "Seriously,then why CID?"

Yuto repies him with a wearily smile while handing him a glass of water : "I think that was because for all other jobs there were at least 1 or 2 people beside me that got the same ranking."

"And I was the only one who got an A ranking for the Bureau. Out of 500 students in whole country." Yuto continues while Minkyun looking at him unbelievingly.

"So you just come over thinking there might be something you can do here?" Minkyun makes a guess and Yuto nods.

"That was incredibly amazing Yuto, even if it was assessed and chosen by the system for you, " Minkyun exclaims for the second time. "You could've chosen any kind of life!"

Yuto again can only nod at Minkyun's words, knowing that most people can did not have the luxury like he does. For most people, judged by the system only get to live the lifestyle set by the system and has to follow it . And he, Mizuguchi Yuto gets to choose. Which explains Minkyun's reaction to Yuto's experience.

"You know there are people who get identified as potential criminal at young age and never get to live a happy life ever since." Minkyun murmurs but Yuto did not get to catch it.

When Yuto asks for a repeat, Minkyun just brush it off saying Yuto's experience is so out of the world and he wish he could live as Yuto for once in a lifetime.

The lunch session ends as Changyoon and Jaeyoung notify them that the patrolling team is heading back to office and there are some evidence that need Minkyun's help to analysis.

(slight time skip in between, case of episode 3 happened. Changyoon critiqued on Yuto for being naive to put trust on Enforcers and Yuto gets to know that Hyojin is super reliable even though sometimes reckless. And this is where Yuto starts to look up to Hyojin.)

This happened later back in office when Yuto was out delivering documents to other department and Jaeyoung brought up topic of Yuto catch up really fast when he is handing his report to Changyoon. Hyojin is at his desk, doing paperwork.

They all know Changyoon well enough that Changyoon does not hate Yuto but only dislike the fact that Yuto sees Enforcers as a colleague and maybe even equal as human being. In Changyoon's point of view, naive and innocent. Which in Hyojin's point of view, Changyoon's stereotype is childishly selfish.

"Everyone starts as a rookie though." says Minkyun "But he is fast learner."

Hyojin, adds comment that Yuto is still a bit naive but with Changyoon giving the best guidance, Yuto will excel and might be the best Inspectors ever to exist.

"I mean, you know that better than we do right? You are the one who went through Yuto's profile." Hyojin's tone sound confident about Yuto's capability.

Changyoon is scanning Jaeyoung's report and he raise his gaze so that his eyes met Hyojin's gaze. He is not happy that an Enforcer backs up and siding a newbie.

"That's if he understands what a fool he is to treat Enforcers like a human being." Changyoon stares at Hyojin with a bit of anger in his eyes while saying this. "As long as he still does that, I don't see him qualify as a sensible and independent Inspector just yet."

"Same goes to you, Minkyun." Changyoon adds. "I don't get it why you can even get so awfully comfy with him."

Minkyun and Jaeyoung's face went soulless when Changyoon finishes his words.

The room went into grim silence instantly, and Hyojin's smiling expression changes to a straight face and he did not back off from Changyoon's words.

"Hey, I know you hate me but don't lash it out towards Minkyun." Hyojin retorts. "Keep in mind that you are the head of the team, and behave like one."

"And you think I wanted to be the head of the team to begin with?" Changyoon responds immediately and he puts down Jaeyoung's document on table with a thud, making the aura even tenser.

Minkyun want to say something to ease the situation but Jaeyoung pulls Minkyun's arm to stop him.

Coincidentally, the office door opens and Yuto steps in, he has returned from his errands. His seniors quickly act like nothing has happened and return to their work. But it did not fool Yuto for he could feel there is tension in the air.

Yuto's instinct knows best that it is better to act like nothing happened because he realized he does not understand a whole lot about his colleagues.

1-3

(loosely based on episode 4 and 5. Timeline is episode 4 and 5, but I will keep it simple.)

The team has to find culprit behind a murder case. It is found out that the victim was a member of a virtual community, and the account activity is still active until recently. But since the corpse already been some time, the team have perfect reason to doubt that maybe there is someone pretending to be the victim.

Even though it is not like that in the anime, I will tweak a bit here. Yuto has to take the role to "infiltrate" into community (potential enemy quarters) because most users are Japanese. Yuto managed to get some information. And the team comes up with a plan to catch their potential target/suspect.

The plan did not go well, and the suspect escapes. But little did the team know, that the whole case of this murder is not as easy/plain as it seems. It was just the beginning of a larger happening that will shake their lives.

Changyoon and Jaeyoung head out for another potential suspect's residence but returned fruitless. With Minkyun's data, Hyojin raised a possibility that maybe the murder is in the virtual community.

Luckily for the team, even though took a while but thanks to Hyojin's observant trait along with Minkyun's provided data+search of database, they are able to pinpoint the identity of murderer. Changyoon and Jaeyoung as Team A while Yuto and Hyojin as team B.

The criminal flees but Team B is able to wound the target badly. Team A chases, and then only to find the criminal has their Psycho Pass is contaminated badly compared to the first statistic number shown in the team's Dominator. The target is executed on spot as per instruction of Sibyl system.

The case was settled like that and no one ever got a clue how deep the water was.

After several team ups (including this one) with Hyojin, Yuto finally realizes that he might have been a tad naive and he is amazed how Enforcers are able to grasp what the target is thinking and able to foresee target actions.

Maybe when Yuto is taking a breather, Changyoon whofinally soften up a bit towards Yuto after the amount of time working together, comforts the junior that he did good recently but he should just simply fulfill duties as an Inspector so that things wont be overly complicated for Yuto. And for another time, Changyoon advised Yuto to draw a borderline with Enforcers, but not in a harsh tone, more of a pure advise.

"I am advising you based on experience." Changyoon says. " I could not stop him, so I thought I might prevent you to be like him."

Yuto just go by his hunch and ask the reason Changyoon draw that borderline and wishes other people to follow suit. Then Changyoon reveals that he has lost a few colleagues who are also his friends during his days in CID.

All loss are painful for him but none is more painful when his former head of division/chief of team,

Someone Changyoon used to look up to, who also used to be an excelled and brilliant Inspector "falls from grace" after the loss of their mutual friends.

" I don't want you to make the same mistake." Changyoon mutters out his words towards Yuto. He was expressionless when he says that but his worried eyes were exactly what made Yuto empath and felt Changyoon's pain

And the next reveal gives Yuto a shock but the puzzles finally fits together, "It was Hyojin."

"What?" and that's the only word Yuto exhales out of disbelief.

Changyoon let out a sigh and briefly explains, "He lost his brother and his best friend one after another. His brother was executed while his best friend which is also our former colleague, committed suicide."

Yuto only listens to Changyoon quietly, and unconsciously holding his breath. Hyojin? Who would have thought someone who is bright and kind towards Yuto has gone through such tragedy?

"Wait,..." Yuto found a point where he is in doubt. "You mentioned Hyojin's brother is executed, not murdered..."

Changyoon's slightly frowns and averts Yuto's gaze. "Yes, that is exactly what I meant. His brother was executed by the system. And his best friend watched that happened then later committed suicide a few weeks after the funeral."

The details of the story only emerged a bit but it is already complicating enough. Looking at Yuto's perplexed expression, Changyoon gave Yuto 2 files document's number for Yuto to look up to.

"I hope that from reading the file you can understand my point." Changyoon give a light pat on Yuto's shoulder before he continues, "I do understand that no one is a 100 percent saint. But, I do believe that you can choose not to fall by stepping away from all temptations. I kept my stance but he did not. He failed us, Me, his brother and his best friend."

Before Changyoon left, he advised Yuto not to stay up too late as they need to be early tomorrow.

The moment Yuto reached his apartment, he logs into the Bureau's database and search for the file Changyoon mentioned.

Just by the title Yuto knew instantly it was the terror attack happened 2 years ago. But since the intricate details of Hyojin's brother was not in newspapers, this is a record filed in ministry without publicly published but can only access by CID.

Yuto has complicated thoughts, he knew once he clicked into it, he will never view Hyojin and Changyoon the same again.

But the phrase of "His brother was executed by the system. And his best friend watched that happened then later committed suicide" repeats in Yuto's head. And it gave Yuto the motivation to click on the file.

To be continued in part 2... will upload soon (I have to split because its too long)

[witchofmorena]

Some soft Gereskier for @consultingskeletondetective. I hope this cheers you up, darling!💚and @jaskiersvalley I hope you like it :)

A white-haired man sat in a corner of tavern, drinking ale and watching the local bard perform a song he knew all too well. It was a song that was composed in his presence. He thought this bard had bad voice, not at all suited for songs his bard composed.

“Your ale, Master Witcher“, the barmaid said quietly, as to not startle the man. The thought of being startled by a barmaid whose heart-beat he could hear made witcher smile with amusement.”The dinner will be brought shortly”

Witcher nodded his thanks. He heard a familiar voice outside, complaining about the voice and lute-stringing abilities of local bard. Man turned his attention to the entrance, he couldn’t wait to see his dearest friend. The door opened and there stood a young-looking man colourfully dressed with a lute-case slung over his shoulder. The newcomer was handsome, had blue eyes and, as soon as he spotted the witcher, a smile so wide it quite possibly hurt his cheeks.

“Geralt! Oh I have much to tell you my dear!“ the man said cheerfully as he approached the loner in corner. “Lovely lady, would be so kind to bring me some ale and food?“ cheerful man asked the blushing barmaid who nodded shyly “Excellent! I can’t wait for it, lovely!“ the girl ran off, presumably to kitchens to order more food.

“Jaskier,“ white-haired witcher, Geralt, greeted his bard “it is great to see you. You can tell me all about it later, after we eat and drink?“ the local musician started singing again, Geralt didn’t notice him stop but he did notice the difference in musician’s singing...the change wasn’t for better and he wasn’t sure it could become better in any way, “Maybe you could sing for a bit? This is just torture...“ The girl was still blushing, but had food for both man

“More ale, Master Witcher?“ Geralt planned to stop - he drank enough, but Jaskier had other plans asking young lady to bring some more.”Of course, Master Jaskier...my father wants to know if you’d honour us with a couple songs later this evening?“she lowered her voice so only the two in corner could hear her,”the local bard is terrible, and he’s been butchering your songs all day“ Geralt raised his eyebrows, surprised she noticed just how bad the music is.

“Of course, my fair lady, if you wish me to sing then I shall sing!“ Jaskier, dramatic as ever, exclaimed, kissing girls hand and making her blush even more.

“Thank you, Master Jaskier“, her voice broke a little, she was obviously unused to people treating her is such way and being sweet to her. Geralt  thought it sad that nobody wants to gift her with some gentle attention, a little compliment or a flower. He resolved to leave a flower of any kind for her in the room to find.

Geralt had a small smile, it was almost unnoticeable. He was entertained by Jaskier’s interaction with lovely shy barmaid. They tucked in. Jaskier, with extreme amount of energy he always has managed to eat and talk at the same time, telling Geralt of landscapes and courts, men and women he saw and met, about the new song he wants to sing to his dear wolf. Geralt ate quietly and listened attentively to all bard wished to share with him. As soon as Jask was full he passed the extra food to witcher “you need to eat more! you lost weight again, your cheek-bones are too prominent!” and went to sing, keeping an eye on White Wolf to make sure he’s eating. Geralt ate slower, taking his time to enjoy pork, ale and, finally, good music.

Several hours later, in the candle-lit room Geralt told his bard of his most recent hunts. Wolf kept trying to pull Jaskier into his lap, nightingale (as Geralt oft called his darling bard) found that incredibly adorable - his big, scary-looking wolf loved to cuddle more then anything else in the world. Bard allowed it knowing his darling wont calm down and stop it otherwise, but also since he missed his wolf just as much and was happy to see he was still wanted. “Geralt?“ bard’s voice was soft, gentle and curious,”do you want to....y’know?“

Witcher shook his head - joining with someone, even with his pretty nightingale, was the farthest thing he waned in that moment, the bard understood - his wolf rarely wished for more then a gentle touch. He merely wished to cuddle and touch gently. Jaskier took initiative and changed their position, he was the one leaning against headboard and Geralt was on his chest. Bard wrapped his arms around wolf, burying his nose into the silvery-white soft hair. Geralt on the other hand simply lied there with one arm around bard and the other stroking nightingale’s cheek fondly, enjoying the hand gently stroking his cheek and moving lovingly onto his back. Jaskier took care to be as gentle as possible with his lovely wolf and sang his new song. He was still working on it, and it was changing as he sang to wolf witcher. He was overjoyed when he felt said wolf fall asleep - the man truly needed to sleep more.

They stayed in the town for a few days, using mornings to see if they can find new scars on each other (Jaskier found many, while Geralt found only 3), afternoons to get things they might need when they hit the road, and evenings were spent much like the first one, but with more kissing and touching gently. Geralt enjoyed the evenings the most as they were his - he got to kiss, lick and touch gently his love. Jaskier, on the other hand, favoured mornings - he’d wake up wolf with his loving touch and gentle song, as he cradled through witcher’s hair, stroking tenderly his cheek, neck, arms and back, ensuring Geralt felt warm and loved, but never pressured or forced into anything....

[dearlazerbunny]

Lie to Me (Ch. 25 of 27)

(Sorry I couldn’t count my chapterssss)

Pairings: Loki x Reader

Genre/Ratings: M eventually (aiming for a slow burn here); warnings for kidnapping and subsequent anxiety/PTSD (will be marked before every chapter)

Words: 2100

Summary: If you had to guess what the captured, traitor, trickster god Loki Laufeyson wanted or needed at this moment, a babysitter would be far, far down on the list. (Set after the events of Avengers 1.)

SHOUTOUT TO @molmcb and @jessiejunebug, who will get 20% royalties each on my first novel that I will never write

Requested Tags: @deraniel, @iamverity,  @yasnooshka24, @wegingerangelica, @themusingsofmany , @dark-night-sky-99, @tarynkauai, @stuffandstuff-stuff, @angelicshinigami, @my-current-fandom-is, @geekysimmerthings,           @lokis-butter-knife, @help-i-need-a-social-life, @vodka-and-some-sass

While being mortal is a fascinating experiment in the short term, Loki would not generally recommend it as a whole.

He feels much more vulnerable, in a way that has nothing to do with him sitting powerless in a cell. Now, his blood is much more easily spilled; his bones more easily broken. It is harder to dull the sudden aches that flare up for no apparent reason at all, and while magic soothes the troubleshooting somewhat, he can’t deny that there’s something.. missing. Nothing tangible or concisely identifiable, but incredibly distracting nonetheless.

His magic is another matter. Frigga has been visiting him for months, on and off, and each time he expects her to begin the process that will ultimately be much more damning to him than mortality. His magic is all he has sometimes, that and his sharp tongue. It is singularly his, and while they may bind his wrists and throw away the key, it will still thrum through his veins with a purr, content to be him and it and it and him.

He expected her to be hesitant, but never to defy Odin altogether. So when she comes to fetch him one day and undoes his manacles with a snap, and green sparks race to heal the raw skin on his wrists, he raises a wary eyebrow at her. “Correct me if I am mistaken, but I believe this is supposed to be gone?”

Frigga graces him with a rare smile that speaks of trouble- if he didn’t know better, he would say his habitual smirk was learned from hers. “You are not mistaken. But what mother would I be to rob my son of his pride and joy?” Her fingers brush an unruly lock of hair from Loki’s forehead. “But, your father will not be denied. At least, not so obviously. Do you trust me?”

“Infinitely.”

“Then stay still.” Her hand to the side of his face, she murmurs an enchantment that washes over his whole body like honey- viscous and stifling. Only her voice keeps him from panicking, and when she’s done, he takes a breath. Frigga hasn’t taken his magic, only… repressed it. It’s a bit like being in hiding. He can still feel his power, only now it remains curled up sluggishly in the deepest parts of his bones. “We both know that the magical arts are not Odin’s strength. This spell should hold for long enough.”

Loki flexes his fingers, his body awash in so many new sensations. “Long enough for what, precisely?”

As it turns out, long enough for the most casual jailbreak Loki has ever been apart of.

Frigga leads him where he never again thought he’d go- out. Up into the castle proper, where the air isn’t stale and the sunlight is filtering through the window. To his amazement, nobody turns their head as they walk side by side through the halls, then the gardens, and out the gates, eventually leaving not only the palace but the whole of Asgard behind, fading into the background.

Crossing the bridge is a strange sort of anxiety. The cracks underneath his feet have long since been mended, but spiderweb fractures remain embedded in his very bones. Old memories fade in and out of existence right in front of him, teasing his brain down paths he doesn’t want to follow- the past holds little more than anger and regret.

Caught up in his thoughts, Loki doesn’t notice when his mother stills. Thor has met them at the edge, and just beyond him Heimdall watches with a stony gaze. Confused, he glances around. “Mother?”

“It has come to Odin’s attention,” she says, “that your remaining on Asgard is a liability to its people.”

Loki arches an eyebrow. “Indeed.”

“And so, he has remedied his previous decree. You are to be banished to Midgard for the remainder of your time as a mortal, and without your magic.”

Time seems to slow. Too many fragile hopes are leaping over themselves for his attention, threatening to topple what little composure he has. “And Odin… agreed to this?”

“It took some doing,” she admits, lips pressed in a thin line. “Your brother and I have not been idle in the previous months.” Thor nods, arms crossed and eyes on the horizon for any unwelcome approachers.

“I-” for once, words fail. What can be said to those who have essentially given you a second chance at life?

Frigga smiles. She can hear what he’s not saying. Carefully, reverently, she presses her palm to his cheek, in a gesture only used by a mother who would do anything for her child. “As I said, my son,” she says softly. “You deserve all the happiness this life may afford you.”

Happiness. Such a foreign concept. Happiness is held in his Witling’s smile, her laugh, the way she looks at him as though she’s never seen a monster in his face-

I want you to come back. Please. If you can.

It turns out he’d lied to you after all.

“Thor will escort you.” A fond thumb is graced against his cheekbone, and then he’s released. “And I trust you will find Y/N and tell her all that you have yet to say.”

Loki wants to argue a million points- how they possibly could have managed to convince Odin to simply let him walk away; how she expects to keep his still-present magic a secret- but his curiosity is tempered by the sheer thought of you. You, in his arms; you, no longer separated from him by glass or pain or stubbornness-

The colors of the Bifrost have never looked brighter as they swirl around his fingertips.

                                                          XXX

He was not particularly expecting a warm welcome from SHIELD- perhaps some cushioned lining around newly-soldered handcuffs- but to his surprise, only the droll man with the eyepatch and Stark are there to greet him when Thor informs them of their arrival on Earth. Infuriating as Stark may be, after so long with nothing but his own company, his glare is almost a welcome change. “So. The prodigal sinner returns.”

“The pleasure is all mine Stark, I assure you.” Loki treats him to one of his smirks, though inwardly he’s already dreading the derision almost certainly headed his way.

“Gentleman, if we could all stand to be civil for more than seven seconds, this will all go a lot smoother.” Fury seems unruffled standing in front of his former most wanted. “Let me get one thing clear- I am not particularly happy about this. Organizations I’ve never even heard of are crawling out of the woodwork to tell me I’m crazy. But,” he sighs heavily, deep lines etched on his face, “as it turns out, we need you.”

Never one to mince words, the director. Loki raises a delicate eyebrow. “Need me for what, exactly?”

“We’ve acquired another magic user in your absence.” Stark snorts, apparently disagreeing with that description, and Fury silences him with a glare. “Well. Some sort of energy. She’s incredibly volatile, moody, and hates Stark with a passion.” There’s a minute shrug under his leather jacket. “Figured the two of you would get along well.”

“Joy,” Stark deadpans. “As if I don’t have enough people who want to blow my brains out. Now you’re going to teach her how to do it more effectively.”

“At least this way, if she murders you, she’ll be doing it on purpose and not by accident,” he replies smoothly, his attention never leaving Loki. “What do you say?”

Loki glances at his brother, and then suppresses an eye roll when Thor gives a classic I dunno, I’m just here to hit stuff gesture. “Well. I suppose I do not have much of a choice.”

“No, you don’t. Glad we could come to an agreement. Thor, if you’ll follow me. We need to make sure thee wont be any… repercussions, from Asgard.” Fury nods once, briefly, before taking his leave. “Welcome to the team.”

Loki’s eyes widen, just a bit. Stranger and stranger this day becomes.

Once they’re alone, the engineer turns back to his project, fiddling with wires exuding faint blue light. “So, where’s your guardian angel? I would have thought she’d be nipping at your heels.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your mini-me. Your not-so-secret-admirer. Your groupie. Your devotee-”

“I would stop there, Stark,” Loki growls.

“Can’t say I’m wrong.” Two wires come together with a spark. “So?”

“I am not sure.”

“Really? So you mean you weren’t the one who told her to rip us all a new one?”

Loki sighs. Mortals and their inane languages. “I assure you, as with most things that fall from your mouth, I haven’t the faintest idea what you speak of.”

“J, play back the recording.” Something warm floods his system at hearing your voice, clearer than its been in a year, even over a recording. Though you sound angry, even more livid than that day in his cell-

“Have none of you, not a single one, ever fucked up because you were hurting? Because it all just became too much?”

“She even made Captain Tightpants sit down, and let me tell you, that’s hard to do.”

This ‘Avengers Initiative’ is one big shot at forgiveness for all of you. Why doesn’t Loki deserve that same chance?”

“What prompted this?” Loki asks, bewildered.

“Oh, the day you left, we took her in because we thought you whammied her brain on that little rescue mission.”

“Loki’s never had a friend, not really. But I’m his friend. And I forgive him. And I gave him the second chance he deserves.”

Oh, love. “I hope you do not expect me to apologize for her.”

“Right.” Stark points a bit of machinery at him without looking in his direction. “Also, if you even think for a second you’re living in my tower-”

“I would not live in that monstrosity if it were shelter from a sandstorm, Stark, fear not.”

I’m here, love. I’m coming. I swear.

A/N: The new Addams family movie is awesome so here’s a celebration chapter. Also only TWO MORE CHAPTERS TO GO PEOPLE well one chapter and an epilogue but whatever technicalities 

[justice-for-shayla]

Crazy Enough

A/N: The prompt was Roommates and Friends to Lovers, so this is what you get. I’m working on the other prompts too, so be on the lookout and let me know if you want to be added to the tags for future ones. 

Word Count: 2480

Tag List: @r-ahh-mi, @karla-s-main, @aquamanpng 

Warnings: Implied sexual content, jealously, referenced mental trauma, nightmares, no editing to speak of. 

God you loved having loaded friends. This apartment was ten kinds of amazing and there was no way in hell you could have ever afforded to live like this on your own, but with Josh and the Washington family fortune, all things were possible.

When Josh had initially suggested living together after college, you’d kind of laughed and made a joke about budget, thinking that would be the end of it, but it was one of Josh’s few thoughts that he really stuck with, clinging like a dog engaged in a game of tug of war.

“That doesn’t matter; I’ll pay for it,” He’d insisted. 

You’d resisted. You couldn’t just move in with a guy for free. As much as you wanted your first real apartment as an adult to be nice, you refused to live off the Washington’s charity. “Josh, I can’t live in a place I’m not working for.”

“Come on, Y/N, you know living with me would be a full time job; the least I could do is cover your half of the rent.”

Slowly, over a matter of weeks, he’d broken down your resistance. The final wall had crumbled while you were studying for exams, subsisting on oatmeal and ramen when Josh had shown up at your door, holding a bag full of takeout. “Please live with me,” He’d said and though he smiled you knew him too well not to see the real fear he was feeling; he didn’t want to live alone.

“Fine, but I get first pick of whatever’s in that bag, and I need your notes from the Milgram lecture.”

Now that you were moving in, you couldn’t even feel bad about your dependance because this apartment was so nice. Josh’s mom had thrown herself into decorating it. She needed projects to distract herself, and decorating was one of her few passions that didn’t remind her of her lost daughters. She’d done the whole place with a strange mix of care and fervor, somehow communicating through the decor alone how desperately she wanted this to work out.

“It looks really nice, Mrs. Washington,” You said.

She smiled. “Oh, please, call me Alma. Have you seen your room yet?”

You shook your head and followed her into the best room you’d ever seen. It was all done in soft colors with large windows and tons of light, blankets and extra pillows were artfully and casually draped across every piece of furniture leaving the whole room with a cloudlike feel.

“Josh said you liked soft things,” Mrs. Washington said. “He wanted to surprise you and wouldn’t let me ask you myself.”

If she had asked, you would have lied and said you wanted to do it yourself so that the Washingtons didn’t spend any more money on you, but you couldn’t help but feel glad that no one has asked. You’d never been in a room as nice as this. “It’s perfect.”

“I’m glad to hear that. We’re so grateful that you’re staying with Josh--” She trailed off, discomfort etched on her face. “He sometimes needs.... Well it’s very good that he has good friends.”

“Right,” You said, wishing you knew how to tell her that it was okay, that you knew how Josh was and that-- though his bad episodes really could freak you out-- you would be okay with him, and good for him if you could be. “I’m very grateful for all you’ve done for me, and I’m looking forward to living with Josh.”

The first few weeks were a honeymoon period while you adjusted to new jobs and city living and dealing with each other. It all went surprisingly well, and you were beginning to feel like you could handle this.

The first cold snap started the nightmares. You knew he always got bad in the winter-- he’d told you as much-- but you’d never seen it up close and personal. He became withdrawn, quiet, snappish and forgetful, none of which made for an ideal living situation.

“Josh, I’m not asking for that much,” You said, with as much false patience as you could find, “I just need you to clean up after yourself. Do some laundry, put your shit away, just so I don’t have to come home to this every day.”

“If you hate it here just move,” Josh said dispassionately, staring at a TV show he wasn’t watching.

You rolled your eyes. “Stop trying to make me feel guilty; you know I don’t want to move--”

“No, I know you can’t move,” He said, finally turning to you with lips curled in disgust. “You need a nice free place and all the food that I buy--”

“I have never asked you to do that,” You snapped. “You always offer, and if you’re going to use it to guilt-trip me, I’d rather if you just stopped doing it.”

“So now I can’t do anything nice for you? I thought we were friends!”

“Jesus, Josh, of course we’re friends,” You said, even though you didn’t really feel like you were talking to a friend anymore. “It’s just…”

“You hate living with me.” He didn’t seem to care as he said the words.

“I like living with you,” You said. “Josh, you’re my best friend, of course I like living with you, I just need you to pitch in a little around here. I’m not your maid.”

“Then what am I paying you for?” He rolled his eyes again and went back to his show, completely missing the stricken look his words had left on your face.

You think you would have rather if he’d just hit you, because anything would have been better than that. “Josh…” You want to be mad, want to yell or scream or maybe throw something and then storm off, but you can’t.

So you turn to the pile of dishes that had pissed you off in the first place, quietly did your job and cleaned them before returning them to their proper place, then took refuge in your room.

He had warned you that living with him would be a job, and you had known that in some ways it would be, but this was not what you’d signed up for. Nonsensical arguments and needle-sharp insults were not what you were looking for.

Opening your laptop-- outdated and beat up, one of few possessions that were only yours-- and started to troll Craigslist for living situations. You just wanted to know your options.

You woke up hours later to the sound of Josh’s headboard hitting the wall. If you didn’t know him so well, you might have thought he was fucking someone, but you did know him. He was having a nightmare. A bad one that threw him around in his sleep as he chased after sisters that he would never catch.

You thought about waking him, but you weren’t sure if that was the right thing to do. Would he still be mad at you if you did? Fear kept you in your bed and you cuddled the heavy, fuzzy blanket Mrs. Washington had picked out for you, keeping a silent vigil while you waited for Josh’s sleep to calm.

Several minutes or hours later, you were tugged out of a foggy half-sleep when your door slid open.

Someone was standing in the doorway, framed in light from the hallway. You sat up, jolting fully awake in a disorienting second.

“Y/N! Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry I just--”

“What’s wrong?” Your voice was hoarse with sleep, but you were coming out of the fog and could hear his anxiety. “Are you okay?”

He glanced away. “I’m… I’m sorry I woke you up. You’ve never woken up before?”

“Before? What the hell are you talking about? Do you watch me sleep, because I’m really not into the Twilight shit and--”

“No! It’s not, I mean, I just… Can I come in?”

Slowly, you nodded and made room for him on your bed, tugging the comforter close and offering him the fuzzy blanket.

He took it, fiddling with it while he sorted out his words. “Sometimes I dream that I’m running after my sisters, that they’re getting lost in the woods and if I just run fast enough, I’ll find them and bring them home.”

You nodded again, wanting to reach for him and offer some kind of comfort but hesitating before you did.

“Sometimes I dream that it’s you. That you’re  running away and I need to find you before you’re gone forever too. I have to… when that happens I need to check and make sure you’re still here. That you didn’t vanish while I slept.”

“Oh, Josh…” This time you did reach for him, pulling him into an awkward sideways hug. “I’m still here.”

“Even though I’m an asshole?”

“Rephrase that,” You said.

He sighed. “Even though I treated you badly when you’d done nothing wrong. Is that better?”

“Yes, and yes, even though you were rude. I’m not going to leave in the middle of the night without saying anything, Josh. Even if the roommate thing doesn’t work out, I’ll say goodbye and leave like a normal person, because you’re my friend.”

“Thanks, Y/N.”

“And if you want,” You offered, pretty sure you were insane, “You can stay in here tonight.”

He nodded and fell against the pillows in your bed. “Thank you.”

After that, you made him promise to work on his emotion regulation with his therapist, because you loved him, but you weren’t going to let him take his feelings out on you. He agreed, and things did get better, even though he was still a bit of a slob and often needed to be reminded to pick up his shit.

You tolderated reminding him because he was making a genuine effort to be a better roommate in other ways. He brought dinner home and surprised you with coffee on days when you were working from home. He cleaned out the fridge and fixed the toilet when it started to make a weird noise.

He was far from the perfect roommate, but he was doing his best, and you made sure he knew that you appreciated it. At least now when he was upset he found a way to deal with it that wasn’t getting pissed at you.

So life went on, you worked and came home and things with Josh were normal and friendly, though you occasionally still squabled about random shit, as roommates are wont to do.

Everything was fine until the girl. She was fine. You were sure she was fine and that you were being crazy because of how much you hated her voice and her weird crooked smile and the way she always draped herself over josh like a blanket made out of leeches.

You considered yourself a feminist; this kind of random hatred for a woman you’d barely spoken to wasn’t like you. Still, this girl pissed you off, so whenever she was around, you hid in your room to stew while she and Josh did whatever it was they did.

They lasted three weeks before they broke up. The next girl lasted two. The next two made it nearly a month before the inevitable split. You disliked all of them, furiously refusing to identify the emotion as jealousy, though you weren’t dumb enough not to recognize it.

After the last breakup, Josh came home and threw himself down on the couch next to you. “Why can’t I do this, Y/N?”

“Do what?” You didn’t look up from your book. Hearing Josh complain about his relationships was your least favorite part of living with him.

“Date someone, be with them.” He sighed in frustration, burying his head in a blanket.

“Seems like you’re doing fine,” You said, thinking back over the string of beautiful, frustrating girls he’d brought home.

“Yeah until things start to get serious, then suddenly I can’t…”

“Can’t what?”

“I don’t know, it’s dumb.”

“What?” You repeated, trying to sound disengaged but interested nontheless.

“I can’t see them that way. It’s one thing if they’re a quick fuck, but then we’re together and I try to do stuff with them and all I want is to leave and be home with--”

He cut off and you closed your book, meeting his eyes. “Josh?”

“What?” He looked away, sounding like a petulant child.

“What were you going to say?”

“Nothing.”

“Josh--”

“You. I was going to say you, because whenever I spend time with them, I start thinking about how I’d rather be spending it with you, and that’s shitty so I break things off.”

“That is shitty,” You said mildly, not caring as much about those girls’ feelings as you should. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I know you don’t feel that way about me,” He said. “That’s why us living together works; because I’m the last person on earth you’d ever want to be with.”

“That isn’t--”

“Come on, Y/N, don’t pity me. You know everything about me, there’s no way anyone would know what you know, have seen me the way you’ve seen me, and still want… that.”

You thought about the night he’d come to stay in your room, curled up next to you and clinging to you because he was afraid that everyone he loved might disappear.

Everyone he loved.

“Josh…”

“Don’t. Just don’t say anything; I’ll get over it and I promise I’ll never bring it up again.”

“Josh, wait, I--” You cut off, not sure how to say what you needed to say. “I’m… I’m glad you couldn’t make things work with them. That’s pretty shitty too but it’s true. Don’t hate me for saying this, but you’re mine, Josh.”

“Yours?”

“Yes. Every time you brought one of them around here I wanted to kick her out, because you’re supposed to be mine and this place is ours and it’s just for us.”

“But--”

“Christ, what I’m trying to say is that I think maybe I love you, or at least I’m crazy enough to want to date you and see how things go. How does that sound?”

“It’s insane,” He said. “We’re friends, we could ruin-- Or, we live together, what if--”

You didn’t want to think about that so you lunged forward and kissed him.

He cradled your face for a moment before intensifying the kiss with a hand on the back of your neck. “Y/N, are you sure? There’s no going back from this.”

“We’ve been here for a while,” You said, “We were just lying to ourselves. If we’re going to ruin our friendship, I think it’s about time we got it over with.”

So you spent the night thoroughly ruining it, over and over again until you collapsed, exhausted onto your bed and fell asleep in his arms.

[stantcns-blog]

( i cant find a gif im passing out )

so like.. i have no idea what i’m doin it’s been eight decades since i’ve smelled the air of the tumblr rp world ( we wont discuss my brief love affair with twit rp i think of her like a bad ex. NPDCONSDC ) and charlie is still a work in progress truly so please bear with me.. also english is my second language and i don’t have it in school anymore so if anything is phrased weird pls disregard OCNPSDC oh and i’m naj. let’s dive in my dudes.

charlie is notoriously ambitious and puts everything she has into her modeling career and therefore also prioritizes it over silly (in her opinion) things like love, claiming it’s too time consuming but there’s more to it than that (will get back to this). in regards to modeling, she fell in love with it as a little girl when she would accompany her dad to work ( who is a world famous photographer ). she would be allowed in the dressing rooms and backstage at fashion shows, and started to idolize the models. it seemed like the natural path she was supposed to take, it felt right.

initially, when at the age of 16, charlie worked up the courage to tell her father she wanted to be a model, he was against it. it cut them both deeply, seeing as he had always supported her in anything she did, but his hopes for her were just different. he’d seen how girls were treated in the industry and he didn’t want that to happen to charlie. he knew there was no stopping her when she put her mind to something, but the disappointment in his face is still something charlie will never be able to shake.

although deep down she knows it’s probably futile and that her father will always feel the same way,  she wants to prove she can be the best and that her choice was worth. which is why she works so hard and often forgets to take care of herself as well as she should.

she also developed a love for photography early on but ultimately hides it, seeing as she knows she’ll never live up to her fathers talent and fame in this area, so she’d rather not be in his shadow. posts pictures online anonomously, when she can seem to find the time. 

charlies mother ( a famous model at the time ) died during childbirth, she was mourned deeply but charlie never truly felt the loss because she never knew or met her. her mothers mother stepped in and helped her father raise her, so the motherly figure was always there. she would always hear stories about her mother and idolized the idea of her as a teen, hung up some of her pictures etc. but ultimately she had a loving and kind upbringing with two step-siblings rolling around as she turned 13. she frequently sends them small gifts and letters, but would never tell a soul outside her family that she cares deeply for them.

has always had a knack for winning arguments and discussions, would probably be a lawyer if she hadn’t found passion in the modeling industry. it probably lies in the fact that she wants to stand tall and confident, but has cut corners in the past:

at the age of eighteen, slept with someone to land a really important brand deal that put her on the map, and has led to her massive fame at this point in time. it’s still a complete secret and charlie keeps telling herself it’s no big deal, that it’s just sex. but she truly feels differently and it’s slowly eating at her. she probably also puts everything she has into her work just to not think about it and feel like she has still earned her spot fairly.

in regards to love and relationships, she hasn’t allowed herself to be in one since that happened. she will tell people she just doesn’t like getting caught up with people and forget her work, but really she has begun a path of self-loathing that she cannot get off, and deep down doesn’t believe she’s worthy of it. that she has screwed up too hard to be loved.  

is very consequental and wont stand for bullshit. if you’re not straight up with her, she’ll feel like her time is being wasted and there’s nothing she hates more than having her time wasted. the people who do get close to charlie, will sometimes feel like it’s a battle, seeing as she will continue to push away affection, but a few have managed to crack this shell and get to the core, which is so warm and loving you wouldn’t believe it’s the same person. isn’t mean towards people she hasn’t let in, just keeps them at arms length and doesn’t really give them much to work with in regards to getting closer to her.

IM LIKE.. PASSING OUT NODCPCONDS there’s more to her but this is all i can muster rn and surely gives yall a good idea of her.. idk i always kind of develop my characters on the go so i also don’t wanna lock her in more than this, but if there’s something you want to know more about pls ask i’ll feel out what i think is right for her.. pls plot with me even though i’m basically a born again rp virgin COPNDDNSC

[minion-with-a-shotgun]

I have so much crap to vent

I haven’t been on this platform in a looooong ass time.

I haven’t vented in a while either, and knowing I've no family on this thing that can see what I write and give me unreal shit for it..

So here goes...

This past 16 months has been utter HELL. 

Ireland is horrible with an incompetent pack of bastards for a government. I have only seen a few friends 3 times in 16 months.  On the 10th of May restrictions are starting to ease up and I can see people again, and on the 17th stores reopen. 

Which is all well and good to start but the damage has already been done, to myself and thousands of other people.

I bought gear to start running again to try lose the lock down weight from being in home constantly apart from getting things in the shop the past 16 months, but I just can’t go outside.  My anxiety has gotten so much worse.  Even the thoughts of getting back to work is making me sick. 

I have no motivation.  I stay up til 3am in the morning and get up after 12pm. 

I started using twitch recently to use my voice more. I don’t talk unless I have to. 

I’m stuck in my own head and it feels like it’s being crushed. 

This habit has been going on the past 5 months or so, cause I want the days to go by faster ,and I don’t see the point being awake to early in the day, the days drag and drags me down with it,

I haven’t seen friends since the last week of December. 

I have seen noone but the family I have to live with and occasionally my nieces and nephews. 

The last ‘friend’ I met with in December was an old friend back in the school days, I hadn’t seen him in years And I went out of my comfort zone to ask him to meet with me. He agreed to and when I saw him I was F U C K E D cause he was still as beautiful as I had remembered. We know each other since we were 15 maybe 16 but haven’t seen him much since my late teens and years and years ago when we took the bus together for work together by chance..

I could tell after seeing his partner that he wanted to get away from me as soon as possible and I felt sick to my stomach, after an hour I told him I was leaving and he said he’d keep in touch and we should meet up again for lunch, I said ok.

That was that.

I’ve felt like complete shit since then. 

He never stayed in touch. 

I messaged now and again but it felt strained when he replied. I asked him did I do anything wrong and he said no. But my gut says otherwise.

Bad thing was my feelings for him were coming back and when he said he has a boyfriend I felt I got slapped in the face.

But that’s life. I’ll get over it.

Speaking of love life.

Mine is crap.

Ended a horrible 5 year relationship. 

It was one sided asf, that side being me.

He only called if we got into an argument and would always so I’ll video call you tomorrow, and never does. I was sick of being the one to always initiate contact that I stopped.

I didn’t care about calling or messaging him. He had nothing to say, I had nothing to say to him. No call for our 5th year anniversary. No nothing.

 I am so fucking exhausted of people treating me like shit.

I go out of my way all the time for people but fuck no, not anymore.

I ruined my body for a bastard that just used me, wanted everything HIS way. He wanted me to move up to where he lives, leave opportunities behind, for him, cause HE wouldn’t move here if I managed to snag the full time position in my work. No compromises. No nothing but bs lies!

I’m so so tired...

I want to get out and run, but the thought of it makes me so sick. 

When I’m outside in general I feel like people are looking at me and I start to have panic attacks. 

So, in short. Body is ruined, mental health is shattered, no one wants to hang around with me, family (not even going to go there!), gaming even wont hold my attention for too long lately. 

I’m so lonely and as sad as it is to admit, I really am. 

I just don’t know how long I can keep this up anymore...

I can’t trust anyone..

I don’t know what to do...

I crave physical contact with someone.

Not just sex, even though that’d be fantastic.. (I haven't had sex in nearly 9 months), but a long hug. A meaningful proper hug.

Isolation and covid-19 BS ruined my life....

[ithisatanytime]

it was both disappointing and encouraging when i got on testosterone and didnt feel much change in my mood. disappointing because i got on it in the first place to try to feel better, but also encouraging to know that my test was probably already high in the first place.

  depression is a lie. its a real condition, but its not a medical one. it is just the natural result of a person assessing his situation honestly, thats why stupid people are rarely if ever very depressed. they are dumb enough to just breath, and if thats not good enough they are stupid enough to believe the lies our jewish overlords force feed us.

  I can more or less prove it without working too hard at it either. listen what is happiness? why did we develop the ability to feel glad? why did we evolve the ability to feel depressed? its just our reward system, when we take part in activities conducive to achieving evolutionary success, like raising a family or getting a promotion (more resources to attract mates, or to take care of your family to make sure they to become reproductively successful) we feel happiness, when we do things that lead to us becoming genetic dead ends for instance getting fired, losing a loved one, or spending our reproductive years getting a worthless degree as a woman, we feel depressed. its that fucking simple chief! and legitimately the only reason we dont look to evolution to explain any human behavior or sensation, is because we want to tell a lie, a bunch of lies, by we i mean the jewish establishment which took over the social sciences and mass media in the early nineteen-hundreds

 The jews in charge of us, knew damn well that promoting these lies would lead inevitably to us becoming miserable and asking why we are so miserable, and instead of looking to the obvious (everyone is fucking up massively and not raising families) they told lies, its a chemical imbalance! this is a lie and theres no evidence for it, they then prescribed a fake cure, as SSRIs are not shown to be clinically effective at treating depression vs placebo in double blind studies, and they prescribed the real cure, opiates! they made money off both and the later led to a lot of dead gentiles which is great news for ethnic jews! and bad news for whitey and all of the various other peoples who rely on them for prosperity and their livelihoods. the real cure for depression is dismantling the lies told by the jewish establishment. i dont even think violence is necessary, as once enough people know the truth they wont be able to conduct their evil business here anymore. thats why im always doing this.

 Ironically the entire purpose of evolving depression was for situations exactly like this, where you encounter a complex problem that requires much thought. depression makes you keep to yourself, you cant sleep, dont get pleasure out of the things which initially brought you joy. these are the perfect conditions for assessing your situation rationally and trying to find a slolution. if i did not have to ability to feel depression, i would have never learned enough to know and understand the threat the jewish establishment poses not just for me but for humanity. depression was actually an incredibly useful adaption.

[deuce-duce]

Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

[strawberryspeachy]

So when i was a senior in college it seemed like the internet was suddenly buzzing with the word “toxic”

Cut the toxic people out of your life

That persons toxic

That behaviors toxic

Initially i read them/listened to the videos seriously

But eventually i gathered that EVERYTHING is toxic

Basically people ever since then call everything that makes them uncomfortable or that they dislike - toxic.

And someone purposely and repeatedly making another person uncomfortable is “toxic”. Puposely. And repeatedly.

Because everyone is fucking different and people cant read your fucking mind so if you dont say what bothers you or that something is bothering you - other people dont know

My friends keep telling me thay my ex was manipulative and narcissistic. He cheated on me and he lied to me. But i also fucked up. He told me that it was ok and that he forgave me. And ive been struggling to find out if what i did deserved him to lie to me for the next month and then cheat on me all while telling me he wanted our relationship to continue with just the two of us.

Im seriously torn up blaming myself. Im confused and i feel terrible. Terrible for things i said and terrible that he treated me the way thag he did.

So while my friends have been telling me he was a manipulative narc - when i looked into it i felt like it was me a little

But then the more i look - the more the descriptions change

Every fucking video and description and post and blog - they all have different qualifiers

Manipulators

Narcissist

Sociopath

Psychopaths

Literally any word that describes a bad person - they all get woven in together with the same descriptors - and completely different at the same time

All these “therapists” and life coaches and people talking and writing like theyre an expert

First off. More than anything. Theyre all super fucking vague.

But what they all really dig into (and the same reason i sometimes hate criminal minds) they all preach

‘If you had a difficult childhood’

‘If you never really fit in’

‘If youve gone through tramatic events’

‘If you have depression’

Youre a shitty person whose abusing other people.

They always say that the abusers know theyre doing it!! Oh except when they dont. They don’t know theyre doing it!

They always say “their victims” but then call the abusers people with victim complexes... well then.... i guess everyone in this scenario is a victim??

“Dont let your abuser diminish your feelings!” “Heres some talking points on how to shut down conversations and instead diminish the ‘abusers’ feelings”

And I’m back to that annoyance i had back in 2014 when the word toxic was plastered all over the internet.

Toxic people exist

These personality problems exist

Obviously. Abusers exist.

But everything is fucking abuse and breaking boundaries to whoever the authors of these outlets are

And as someone who was really looking for information- it was not helpful at all. Im even more confused than when i started.

Also. Their bs on how to deal with abusers isnt even helpful. My great grandmother and mother and grandfather were/are all abusive. They really act like you can just shut a real abuser down and just walk away.

Who have these people talked to?!?!? Sociopaths on their best behavior who are trying to look good to the public?? Obviously yeah

I spent my whole life trying to find ways to avoid getting screamed at and demeaned by my great grandmother.

Be happy - shed follow me around proding and asking favors until she saw any twitch in my face and then yell at me for not wanting to do something that i agreed to do or not liking someone that i said i liked cause she saw on my face that i didnt and she wanted to get me upset/angry

Be neutral. Same thing. Also. Why arent i happy??

Be angry - worked the best. She really just wanted me angry anyhow. Id still get told off for not being happy and appropriative enough - but if i were angry she could go complain to other people about how terrible i was.

Try to calm her down??? No. That couldnt happen... this is a woman who yelled at me as an adult for not befriending my childhood bullies as a child because i was “a miserable rude girl who had no friends”

Ask her to calm down or leave me alone? That’s incredibly fucking rude and how dare I speak to her that way

Tell her something she said was smart or interesting? Get berated for being stupid and told off because ‘she knows i wont take her advice!’

Uhhh yea. Youre right smart o therapist calling me toxic for having a difficult childhood. Im not over it. And if i had any of these therapists as a kid theyd probably tell me that my great grandmother was just instilling “tough love” even though it became very clear that she never actually loved me at all after she died.

Tldr: i still hate the term “toxic” to describe ppl and am coming to hate the term narc as well because people use it to describe every single person that does anything they dislike

[amuelle]

Let that man/ woman/ girl / boy SUFFER!!!! Part 1.

We had fought that morning. I woke up, made him breakfast and as he ate I asked him coldly why he was sleeping with other people and lying about it. He was writing an exam that day and for some reason that morning the demon in me had risen, sat on my shoulder whispering evil into my heart and I loved it. I had decided not to double down, the tension between us was already palpable, we needed a resolution

To calm the waters I sent an sms to apologise saying we needed to talk and that I was ready to be mature. I wasn’t. It was a trap. When he arrived I opened with an apology saying I wished I never invaded his privacy and to that he said he understood. His comfort in my presence began to return. His shoulders rolled back and he exhaled. I let the moment linger. I think he thought for the first time in weeks he was safe, that I had come to my senses, believed his lies and things would go back to normal. Id cook, clean and encourage him like I used to. Perched on the bed in my purple dress I looked at him as he started to put down his bag and get comfortable because he thought I was done. The cruel denouement followed. Being his girlfriend was too hard for me. I wasn’t mature enough. I simply could not do it anymore. He could stay till the holiday break started later that week but he had to go. He wasn’t welcome anymore.

He froze and in an instant he had tensed all the way up. It felt like I had just taken off a pair of uncomfortable shoes or a jacket when its too hot and you’ve been seating. I was free. I WAS FREE OF HIM!!

OR SO I THOUGHT!!!!

He dragged out our breakup and kept popping up where I lived and I ultimately had to change my locks. The point of the story is, don’t bring cursed people into you blessed life.

I’ll say it again

DON’T BRING CURSED PEOPLE INTO YOUR BLESSED LIFE!!

If I took a moment to tell you about how I even go to the point where I was living on campus with my course load manageable with no toxic friends looming and generally at peace, I would shed a tear. From late night buses to bad jobs and walking dangerous routes back to my granny flat when I first moved to Durban. Its was a difficult journey.

I spent a year praying to move out of my first res because it was off campus and they bused us to and from campus. It was in Sydenham between an informal settlement and a coloured community riddled with drugs and gangsters. Many of us learn how resilient we are in varsity especially if you don’t have the finances not to worry about feeding and clothing yourself. Then there are social pressures. Partying when you should be studying. Resisting the temptation of older men with money putting you in compromising situations. The self-doubt that rises when you are struggling with your studies and you don’t even have enough money to call you mother to cry. Your young stupid friends who have childhood traumas and unhealthy relationships influencing you to do dumb shit. Having many people in the administration treating you poorly and because they don’t believe that “girls” should be in any form of engineering and to top it all off RACISM…..

After the initial shock and two painful years adapting, I toiled and toiled, made friends with SRC members and housing staff resident assistants and finally….FINALLY on the verge of collapse, when I started my honors one of my classmates was moving out because she had gotten a job and a car and she whispered in my ear. I had done the leg work so when I went to go cry at the head of housings door he was already tired of me….”Mosotho, you are back here again?” he said that morning. That was the last time I would see him because after he authorised, I would move to campus and enjoy living in the land of milk and honey. I’m not gonna lie, it was incredible. I remember going to the orientation parties  for the first time as an honours student and realizing that this was HOW life in university was supposed to be. And after all that suffering and toiling the first thing I did when I got a chance because I thought I was doing something good was bringing a cursed person into my blessed situation.

Granted its not like he could have done anything to ruin my life, I had already created an incredible life for myself. My marks were good, I had a part time research assistant gig with six months left on my honors and ONLY my dissertation left to write but I managed to somehow go out and get the bed bug and then cried about it when it BIT me!

I’m talking to you, you reading this right now don’t you dare forget how awful your life has been and how hard you have worked for it to be less awful. REMEMBER, you are the sum of all your mistakes and triumphs, all the times people didn’t believe in you and your own betrayed you. All those times luck struck like lightning and you were prepared to conquer the small victories. When you kissed your own booboos, bandaged them and pushed on through your tears. You did that alone and don’t you forget it. I’m not saying don’t share your life with someone worthy. By all means, do! Sharing your life with someone is incredible but there are some people that you don’t need to be entertaining AT ALL!!!!

I could smell the curses on that mans life a mile away but I was young. I didn’t have a definite dating style or boundaries. He had too much going on for one person and I thought sharing my blessings would somehow help him. All I got in return was trauma and a deep desire to never live with anyone ever again. The upside was that I learnt that I cant date a man who doesn’t get the double bind of womanhood and doesn’t want to learn about it. The fact that it didn’t work out between us was also a blessing. So take it from me, protect your peace. Don’t go looking for trouble. If someone is a hot mess they wont stop being a hot mess till they decide that’s what they want. There is NOTHING you can do about it. Don’t bring them into your home to disturb your peace and ruffle your feathers. LET THEM SUFFER (insert evil laugh)

I’m joking but I’m serious, don’t bring curses into your blessed situation. It will throw you off, upset your balance and briefly make you forget what you prayed and worked hard for. Don’t play with your blessings. They didn’t fall from the sky and you still have more to do because your life is meant to be phenomenal.

Take my advice, let people suffer with their curses, offer them sympathy from the comfort of your couch with your doors and gate locked and them on the other side.

Bisou…bisou...

Ps. Read part two for a full circle moment...

[captainkaladinstormblessed]

um of course you should do bodhi/cassian :D

(after that initial mishap, here goes attempt 2)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i lov

proposes: bodhi! even with his anxiety, if he wants something desperately enough, he wont let the nerves get in his way of at least trying. meanwhile cassian has grown up learning that everyone and everything is temporary and no one ever stays, so he would never expect for any one to pledge to stay with him for the rest of their lives, and he especially doesnt think he deserves for someone to, either, not after everything hes done, even after he and bodhi have been together for years, he always fears, but expects, it to end. (bodhi talks some sense into him. “That may be what you think, but what do you want, Cassian?” And he does. He wants this so desperately. He says yes)

shops for groceries: together because its a novelty neither of them have had the opportunity to indulge in for so many years, if ever. theyre that one disgustingly cute couple who fight over which cereal to buy, then kiss over the cart

kills the spiders: cassian, but he doesnt kill them, he puts them outside. (“but what if it comes back inside?!” “it’s just a spider bodhi” “spiders existing is homophobia, cassian!”)

comes home drunk at 3am: bodhi doesnt drink, but cassian usually wont stay out that late or get that smashed either, especially without bodhi. on the rare occasion kes keeps him out so long, he always gets home and is super snuggly and just octopus’ himself around bodhi

remembers to feed the fish: technically it’s bodhis responsibility since cassian is away often and it should just be part of bodhis routine except it isnt and he forgets a lot, then overfeeds it the next day. when cassian gets home, hes no better. eventually they install an automatic food dispenser

initiates duets: cassian! theyre in the mess and a song comes over the sound system, one that cassian has been playing in the ship for weeks. cassian smirks at him and starts singing the words, encouraging bodhi to join in. he buries his head in his arms for the first minute but eventually its gets to That Point in the song and he gives in and fully belts it out and cassian is grinning and singing and bodhi keeps singing and k2so stares at them like theyre mad and at the end the half empty mess cheers. bodhi tries to melt into the floor. cassian kisses his cheek and distracts him entirely.

falls asleep first: it varies day to day. sometimes cassian is so exhausted from a mission that he knocks right out the moment he lies down. sometimes its a different kind of exhaustion, the kind that keeps him awake all night, unable to stop thinking about everything, the kind that whenever he closes his eyes he has to force them open again because he cant see the faces of all the people he’s killed, all the names hes forgotten. he cant spend 6 hours watching them on repeat on the back of his eyelids. so he stays awake. bodhi on the other hand, sometime just works till he falls asleep in the hangar, working on his ship. hes also the type to fall into a food coma nap. but sometimes late at night, cassian already snoring beside him, the tentacles creep back. these nights, he lights a candle and crawls close to cassian and watches the soft dancing shadows on the wall, like how he would watch the dust and sand over the desert outside NiJedha, and lets the memories of childhood soothe him.

plans spontaneous trips: bodhi, i feel. cassian has his regimented routine because it gives some order to the chaos of war, but bodhi, finally away from the oppressive restrictions of the Empire, makes the most of his new freedom

wakes the other up at 3am demanding pancakes: bodhi cant cook. he spent most of his adulthood on a cargo ship with no kitchen, or on a base with a mess. he wakes up in his ship in the hangar after dozing off in the middle of fixing something and goes to wake up cassian because hes starving and the cooks are asleep, “please cassian i missed dinner and you make the best pancakes in the galaxy” “1. that was your fault. 2. sucking up will get you no where. 3….. you know what, yes it does, lets go. but only cos i love you” cassian doesnt even notice its the first time hes said it until later, but thats because bodhi is happy groaning while shovelling pancakes at lightspeed and professing his own love for cassian (and his pancakes), so really, theyre even

sends the other unsolicited nudes: not sure if either of them are the type, maaaaaaybe bodhi, but their holos are resistance-issued and probably connected to a common server which could potentially lead to some extremely embarassing situations with certain senior officers

brags about knowing karate even though they never made it past yellow belt: cassian! baze and chirrut start teaching bodhi how to fight and cassian comes over like “oh i know this!” and theyre like mmhmmmmm, so bodhi and cassian have a go sparring, or trying to. theres a reason cassian is an intelligence officer and carries a blaster because bodhi flattens him in 0.02s. “i thought you were a novice!” “i thought you were an expert!” (theyre not together at this point and then they realise bodhi is fully lying on top of cassian and theyre really very close and they scramble away smiling awkwardly. baze snorts and chirrut sniggers from the background. they know)

comes to a halt outside bakeries/candy shops: bodhi!! cassian didnt really have that kind of thing as a kid, and he was barely a kid for long enough anyway, but bodhi remembers the rare trips, the treats his mother would get them maybe twice or three times a year, and the excitement he always felt, the wonder. he always slows, wistfully looking in. after a few times, cassian notices. bodhi tries to insist its not necessary but cassian insists that it is and drags him inside and spends all the spare credits they have on sweets and pastries

blows sarcastic kisses after doing ridiculous shit: cassian. he just pulled some stupid and partially unnecesary stunt to save bodhis skin in a battle. bodhi rolls his eyes

killed the guy (also, which hid the body): if its part of the mission, cassian will kill the person and bodhi will help hide the body, but cassian will only kill someone if it is absolutely necessary and avoids it if at all possible. he has already seen and dealt out so much death, he doesnt if he can at all avoid it.

wears the least clothing around the house: bodhi! after the war when they settle down on yavin iv (not far from the damerons), well. yavin iv is a fairly warm planet and jedha was very much not, so bodhi is very used to the cold. in the middle of winter and its -10 degrees and cassian has wool socks, 3+ fluffy jackets and at least 5 blankets, and still feels cold, bodhi is walking around barefoot in a tshirt and pants. (“youre making me cold just looking at you!”) (cassian gets his vindication when summer rolls around and bodhi feels like the entire planet is just a sauna 24/7)

has icky sentimental moments for no apparent reason: cassian!!!!! my first thought was bodhi but, i feel like he would have at least vaguely apparent reasoning to be sappy. cassian, on the other hand, internalises pretty much everything, its so hard for most people to know what hes thinking that when he suddenly throws his arms around bodhi and whispers how much he loves him, most people are completely thrown, moments earlier thinking he’d just found a cool pattern in the bottom of his mug or something. at first bodhi is even thrown a little by it, but he soon learns cassians tells. there may be no reason apparent to anyone else, but bodhi always knows.

send me a pairing and ill tell you who does what!

[chandterpamela1996]

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Cat Peeing In Corner

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