#meds arent fucking working anymore

[minnieposting]

i just want to be happy by default wo needing meds i just wanna be normal. is that like. too much to ask idfk

[fadeintoyou1993]

[sleepingfancies]

They should make a depression medication that actually fucking works

[cocorangerj]

$11 an hour is not acceptable compensation for the 5 panic attacks i have in the bathroom every hour

[mochapanda]

i think if i dont get a new job soon i am going to kill myself

[genekies]

tag vent: sh, ed

[ravio-the-cabinet-man]

you know it bad when you are sobbing and begging literally anything to just fucking let you sleep.

[dexaroth]

auuugh im so tired of not managing to accomplish anything in like thelast 3 years i just cant start a project anymore and nothing gets doneeee

[liquidcrystalsky]

that post about charcoal decavitator and medications reminded me of how i can tell exactly what medications i took that morning by how i play splatoon.

if i just play awfully, i feel like my hands arent doing what my brain is telling them to, i am really bad at aiming and i'm just not into it, that means i forgot my adhd meds

if i get REALLY FUCKING MAD and constantly yell at people and just get so pissed at everything i forgot my mood stabilizers

splatoon is genuninely out of everything i've done is the best test for "did i forget to take my meds this morning" more than any work or anything like that.

I dont have a piano anymore but i also remember that it was pretty similar

[cute-grave-robber]

I dont want to go into horrific detail so I wont but Im still going to put self harm talk under the read more. Deranged girl dash tonight I see you all! We're so normal up in here

Literally my primary indicator that my meds arent working anymore is if I start having self harm thoughts again. It's actually crazy to think I havent self harmed in my 20s (at least not as extensively or as badly as I used to) because it has been such a long period in my life. Definitely at the very VERY least from the ages of 14 to 19 I on/off (literally not clean for more than a few months at a time) self harmed so this is the longest I have been properly clean since like 14 lol.. honestly I dont know if I will stay clean forever but Im also really embarrassed about my self harm habits like I feel so stupid for doing it but I also did it at times when I felt like I needed to punish myself or just needed to hurt a lot so when I get urges again it's such an out of place and confusing thing to me because I don't feel that way about myself anymore. I have come soooo so so so close to relapsing again I am genuinely astounded I havent relapsed especially the last few months. I am very used to my scars now and honestly they arent nearly as bright or as obvious as they used to be but if I sit and look for too long I start to see how fucking many I have which is both so surprising and not because of how looooong I did it for..... and during late 2019/early 2020 it got really really bad. I cant remember the last time I self harmed or how badly I did it but I have some quite ugly scars that honestly probably should have gotten stitched. Theres quite a few and a kind of nasty one on my shoulder that are all 4 years old this year and I am wearing a dress on Sunday that will not hide them. Maybe I shouldnt be deeping this 6 days before I am supposed to wear that dress but honestly I dont think anyone will notice them they are quite faded, it'll be dark, and like nobody is looking anyway LOLLLL

[kagxme]

been a year. this fuckass job hasnt changed. people still will just no call no show on their clients. everything's still just as disorganized because people refused to engage in the organizing processing. they still expect me to be the stop gap for all problems. my sister and mom are about to be fully no contact and now i will hear that from both sides. ive been lowkey highkey physically attacked. fucked up the one good thing this year. meds arent working. im getting worse. i dont care anymore. im just here now cause what else am i supposed to do?

[childofeberron]

6am vent post lets goooo

i really. really dont want to take my meds anymore but i Know going off of them alone is Stupid and A Bad Idea. but last night/this morning have been so fucking terrible in my brain like nonstop intrusives and crushing guilt and panic over imagined shit and too many alters are 'awake' and unwanted visual/auditory Things. im hesitant to call them hallucinations but they are Minor Things i am Hearing Or Seeing that i Dont Want. and i feel so fucking anxious and depressed and unwanted and unneeded and fucking Mood Swingy. AND i woke up over an hour before my alarm on a full 8 hr work day where we're doing our first fieldtrip of the year with the k-2's and as exciting as it is im going to be FUCKING exhausted on top of everything. please can someone in the medical system take me seriously when i say i think i have ocd and my meds arent working for it

[catholickedd]

me: im so fucking tired all the time

doctors: but thats normal sweaty :) you’ll grow out of it

me: its been like this for three years

doctors: all teenagers are like this!! :) you’re still growing

me: you literally told me i’m not growing anymore and none of my peers have so little energy that they can’t bring themselves to shower more than 2-3 times a week

doctors: what you’re feeling is completely normal!! :) you don’t have depression anymore because you’re medicated!!

me: the meds arent working. THE MEDS ARENT WORKING

doctors: you’re gaslighting yourself into believing you’re not okay! :)

:)

:)

[cryptic-science]

LONG VENT POST. BE WARNED.

i need help. i need help cleaning my room. i do. and ive been so fucking afraid to admit that but i fucking need someone to hold my hand and be gentle with me through the process.

but no, i cant. i cant ask for help, especially not from the person i want help from the most. i cant ask because im not a little kid anymore. i cant have someone hold my hand through everything. thats not how life fucking works. im almost 19. im an adult. i should have the fucking responsibility to keep my bedroom clean.

when was the last time it was actually properly clean ? it must have been what, like, 2018 ? 2019 ? fuck. Fuck. four ? five ? fucking years. almost six, really. jesus christ.

even if she did say yes, even if i could ask her in the first place...you know she wouldnt be gentle. you know she would yell and get annoyed and force you to get rid of things you arent ready to. and youd feel trapped, and scared, and oh so fucking ashamed and guilty. and youd cry and cry and cry and cry. youd sob and youd beg, just like the little girl you are.

she doesnt ask much of you. she never has. you know this. everyone knows this. you never really had to do chores as a kid. not properly anyway. right now, all she wants you to do is get a job and clean your room.

why is this still so hard for you ?she got you what you needed right ? she got you the anti-depressants. she got you the adhd meds. she got you the autism diagnosis. so why are you still like this ? the meds are working, arent they ? why are you still Wrong ? what else could you possibly fucking need ??

all you do is take. and take. and take. you are so fucking selfish. why arent you fixed yet ? why cant you get off your ass and clean your fucking room ? why cant you get off your ass and get a fucking job ? why do you still lack the motivation ?

you are lazy. you are lazy. you are lazy.

how can you live like this ? there is garbage piled next to your bed. there are molding cups on your dresser. there are both carpet and larder beetles squirming through your things.

you have too much shit. you get too attached. maybe you are a hoarder.

you are disgusting. you are filthy.

your hygiene doesnt help either. you changed today but when was the last time those clothes were washed ? when was the last time you showered ? when was the last time you brushed your teeth ? you are vile. you are filth.

she yells because she loves you. she yells because she loves you. she yells because she loves you.

shes been through so fucking much. you know this. everyone knows this. you could have had it so much worse.

she is not the villain. she is human. you realized she was human a long time ago. shes doing her best with what she knows.

would it be easier if you moved out ? you are too scared to do that. maybe, itd be easier to clean your room, though. she doesnt want you to leave either. you know that despite the times shes threatened to kick you out. shes too scared for you to go too. you cant live with her forever. you know this. she does to. shes said that phrase to you many times. you are too scared to leave. you cant handle change. its safe here. youve been here for so long. its familiar. its close to most of the important places you need to go. it took you such a long time to be able to memorize the paths in order to get to them. you cant drive. everything is perfect here. its safe. its safe. its safe.

the pear tree was cut down. it was planted long before you ever lived there. part of you thinks that maybe its a sign. you arent too sure for what, though.

you are trying not to cry. you dont want to cry. especially not right now.

she says she doesnt think you are a disappointment, but how can that be true when all youve done, your whole entire life, is dissapoint her ? you have failed at every expectation and want she had, and still has, for you.

you were born this strange and rotten thing.

but she still loves you.

and you love her too.

you need a job. you should be using this time to look for a job. you are scared. you need to stop putting it off. you need to stop lying whenever she asks if youve been looking. youve applied to a few places but, you only got hired once. and you quit after a day and a half. it was Too Much for you. you were scared and your body hurt and the job was too fast-paced and it was all so fucking overwhelming. so you ran from it. you gave up.

because you are a coward.

you can count on one hand the amount of interviews youve actually gotten.

why is this so hard for you ? why must there be so fucking much wrong with you ?

just do something, please. anything. any job you can get your hands on. you need it.

why arent you doing it ? why ??

you want to be better. you want so fucking badly to be better, in so fucking many ways.

you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better.

i want to learn how to be better.

i dont know how to be better.

i dont know where to start.

i dont know.

help.

[teddy-feathers]

and i appreciate that but youve got your own problems. so ill just bitch on tumblr for all to see and chance that you wont so it wont bother you idk.

you see. ive been off my meds for about a week because im stupid - i did take them today but they take a while to kick in like give it a couple days - because of this ive been ridiculously tired and anxious and now moody which usually means i dont go to work because i dont fucking care anymore.

i did go to work today so go me

but as usual my boss is late which really doesnt help me because i need to talk to her this morning - also i need a key which i was hoping shed lend me but again its 20 after and shes not here

in addition to that at work there is some. not so great practices and violations that we're commiting that arent being fixed and probably wont be

but we have a walk coming up this November with the higher ups so itll probably be noticed and as a shiny new team lead ill be one of the ones to take the blame for it.

also i have an evaluation coming up and im sure i did worse than last eval so yay me

lastly i dont even want this job but im doing it both for the (minor) raise and because itll look good on my resume and a handful of other reasons but honestly i would like to go back to being a regular worker but a) i have no idea if i can do that and b) i may lose my seniority if i do and c) a lot of it id still be doing i just wouldn't be getting paid for it because its not technically my job but idk im a nice person fuck me i guess.

so im anxious tired bitter and unhappy and theres very little i can do about it.

also its 725 and still no boss but idk if i should call her and go "are you coming in" ill text her maybe idk.

[cosmicalily]

wait im literally still bored and my fav thing to do is answer questions !!! so imma do that even tho nobody asked

used a random question generator, linked here

maybe i'll be sneaky and turn it into a tag game bc WELP im feeling like a menace

tagging my mom @thevampywolf just for shits n giggles

what have you created that you are most proud of?

bro this sounds cocky but a few things, i love them all equally so i'll list them:

my over 70,000 word novel that i've written with one of my best friends

my skateboard, which i spent hours designing the back of, i used posca paint pens to create a comic strip design with a custom character i created!

one of my first and fav kpop album redesigns...i was so excited and happy w how it turned out!!

have you ever saved someone's life?

sort of, in a way. one of my old friends (she now goes to a new school and we don't talk as much anymore) had pots, which is an illness that causes unprovoked fainting/seizures. she would faint, and be unconcious for up to 20mins, and sometimes would have seizures after fainting. other times, she would have times where she would faint multiple times, but only be unconcious for less than a minute, but would faint frequently (maybe 5-10 in an hour). because she was in our class, i did feel a lot of responsibility for looking after her. the teachers knew to call the nurse and the ambulance during her long faints/seizures, and i would go with my friend to show the ambulance where to go. we got so used to running to the school office that i swear our cardio skills built up. we have dealt with one of her faints outside of school too though, without any adult support, which was much scarier, but we managed ok. so i think a bit?

what's your favourite piece of clothing you own?

again, cannot choose. my wardrobe is my baby; she is a collection that is never ending and eclectic and so, so me. she's what i spend most of my money on (other than kpop concerts) and i love her sm.

some of my favs are:

my dungarees

my miniskirts (denim y2k style one and my beige pleated one that i sewed myself are my absolute favs)

all my pastel knitwear, most of which is secondhand!

other things that arent rly clothes but i love anyways are:

my clompers (platform doc martens)

my star hairclips (a personality trait)

legwarmers

what's something you wished you figured out sooner?

the fact that mf orange juice fucks with my adhd meds. like thank you mum for telling me TWO MONTHS AFTER I STARTED MY MEDICATION like i swear one month is 30 days right, and x2 is 60, and i literally know that at least 20/60 days i SWALLOWED my pills using orange juice. NO WONDER THEY LITERALLY DIDNT WORK

also that you don't have to please everyone

but mainly that orange juice fact bc THAT RLY WAS A FUCKING SHOCK

what's your go-to dance move?

i mostly listen to kpop meaning i mostly do the proper dances so i'm just gonna list my fav kpop dances i break out into even when the song isn't playing:

yes or yes by twice

talk that talk by twice

thunderous by skz

unkpop:

slut drop (im a menace i already told yall)

if you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

ive thought of this question every day of my life and i have a few ideas

so first is yuri (pronounced more like yu-li) and it's literally the direct japanese translation of my name, and i think its so cute. another would be star, bc i've grown to love it so much, and another would be hana bc that means flower in japanese!

random ass questiontime be like

ok love yall