#im barely eating again and i cant force myself to. when i was living with my old roommates i could blame it on not being able to go to

[genekies]

tag vent: sh, ed

[gayhenrycreel]

in the wake of the Abuse in Care report, i want to share my own story

for context, i am a young kiwi. im autistic and adhd, and struggle with violent meltdowns.

tw for all sorts of abuse

a few years ago, my meltdowns got very severe. i was dangerous. i got sent to the psychward 3 times. the first 2 times were scary, but i was okay.

the 3 third time nearly killed me.

i was 13 and they didn't have any spaces left, so they put me in a solitary confinement area of the asylum. yes, modern psychwards are insane asylums. if you had a good experience at one you are an exception. the wall were concrete and my room had a small outdoor area attached that was lined with barbed wire. the toilet did not flush. i was not allowed out, except for a few times when i was allowed to see the other inmates.

i was trapped for 11 days. i still remember exactly what date it was. i called my mum every day. neither of us knew if we would ever see each other again. i had been kidnapped by the state. i was fed green sludge and something that may have been extremely dry and cracked fish or chicken. this was my only meal i regularly got. getting breakfast was a hit n miss.

on day 9 i snapped. i tried to hit a nurse and my punishment was to be strangled half to death. i couldn't breathe. they nearly dislocated my shoulder. my vision turned black. i vaguely recall being injected with a sedative.

when i have flashbacks i can feel the physical pain again. it feels like my arms are being torn off.

i only went back home when my mum showed up, unauthorised, and demanded to bring me home. i never thought i would see my family again.

something i didnt mention earlier, i am medically recognised with a complex dissociative disorder. im not sure if that big traumatic event caused my alters or if Doc had already existed, but it certainly split my sense of self to some degree. Doc saved our life. Daniel, the alter who presents as the original, could not handle existence. after the psychward, my system almost achieved final fusion. Daniel went dormant. Doc was the only alter. later that month a new alter split and it took 4 months for Daniel to return.

afterward my horrible psychiatrist with the tiny shorts decided that my meltdowns were because of my adhd, which has been successfully treated since i was 4. he put me on ritalin, despite my bad history with it. ritalin gave me a panic attack that lasted 3 days without stopping. my mum immediately took me off it as soon as she noticed the heightened anxiety. a microdose of magic mushrooms of all things, cured my anxiety for a week while also treating my adhd while i had no adhd meds, so do with that what you will (mushies may have saved my life).

i already had a traumatic life, and the asylum was the hammer that finally shattered my cracked mind. i never really had a sense of self, no individuality, so its no wonder i have OSDD.

the trauma didn't stop there.

couple years later i ended up in E Puni, a jail for children who cant live with their families. i mean it when say jail. concrete walls and floors, cameras everywhere, doors that cant be opened from inside, stale food. i cant eat a lot of thing due to being autistic, so i starved. they did not not accommodate my needs.

i had another meltdown, so i got violently picked up and literally thrown onto a concrete floor in solidarity confinement. water all over the floor. i dissociated so much i could barely stand. for some reason they didn't take my belt so i tried to hang myself.

they damaged the nerves in my left arm when they threw me. i couldn't use my arm for 3 months, and when i explained why i was struggling with arm strength, they said i was faking nerve damage. i thought i would be permanently disabled. thank god it was temporary. i was forced to participate in being around screaming teenagers who made sounds i cant handle because of sensory processing disorder. some of those poor kids had been there for 5 years.

the only 2 staff there who cared for me left because they couldn't handle seeing the organized abuse the children went through. i couldnt take it either.

im in a different place now, though still in state care. its been rough, but here its only bad if i have meltdowns.

as for the cops, the most notable thing theyve done is tell me that they "can restrain [me] without reason".

if anyone ever asks why i am an anarchist, this is why.

[meet-at-tycho]

sorryyy its late and i am filled with joy and whimsy. i love them so much, my sibling always gets annoyed with me cuz theyre all i talk about.. can you blame me? to have that vast boring nothingness shift into excitement and happiness and real true love? if you were me, youd talk about it too

its so funny cuz my life seems to move in cycles, familiar patterns that ive grown really sick of.. traumatizing and terrible, horrible bloody mess.... and then the most long drawn out boring slice of life youve ever witnessed. trauma! nothing! trauma! nothing! really tired of that.. i never thought that my nothing could be broken with joy, isnt that strange? for once, im not really hurting anymore. when i do hurt, i can handle it on my own and let go, and if its too much then i know im safe to express it

ive come such a long way, i dont tend to see myself positively, but.. its hard not to be proud. guys it turns out all you need to be happy is like. LOVE isnt that so corny isnt that so unbelievably predictable... APPARENTLY its true, i guess it feels different when yr actually experiencing it firsthand

im like on the verge of tears right now but. theres no sweeter joy than this, its so fucking BIZARRE. how did it happen this way? all the little bits and pieces that fell into place, delivered me angels and made me whole again.. cheesy, i know im being cheesy but i cant help it!! im sweet on them as often as i can be but theres still a lot of things i just.. dont have the strength to say directly. so i say them here, im sure only one of you will see this anyways. but i dont need either of you to see it, just speaking my feelings out into open air eases my mind a bit more

sometimes im like wow! theres no way this is healthy im . can i really experience true love? love that doesnt hurt? love thats REAL? as much as im tempted to deny it, im living it every day!!! i wake up and theyre both there to greet me, isnt that sweet? the first people i speak to when i wake up, the last people i say goodnight to when i go to sleep

i think i just need someone, i think im the kind of person that just.. ive been alone for a while, its OKAY its whatever, ive definitely grown used to it but. i thrive when im with them, its so? maybe all i need is someone else to keep me here.. ive got two!!!!!

maybe thats not clear enough

the way id get through that droning loneliness is escapism, nonstop daydreams and dissociation, i was barely here. only to eat and take care of my body a little bit, then its back to fantasy, because .. theres people who love me in my dreams! but.. im honestly finding it so hard to slip back into that habit now. its scary, because its whats kept me safe. hiding in fiction has kept me safe, kept me calm, happy.. but i cant shake it out of my head!!!! any time i try to fall back into those routines, the only thing i can think of is THEM.. like yeah this is great and all but.. i dont want to be trapped in my head anymore!!! theyre out there, i want to be out there..

if im honest? its terrifying. im forced to come to terms with ME as a person, who i am, something ive neglected to acknowledge for my entire life, but. im so completely wrapped up in my love for them that i hardly think about that!!!!! for once, it sorta almost feels like time is moving how it should be.. like every day that passes is different, every day that passes is SPECIAL. it hurts me to say this, but i think i love being alive? can you imagine that? how is it possible that two strangers could just.. fall into my life one day and before i even know it, im healing, im happy, im whole. MAKE ME SICKK its so foul. its almost pathetic!!! is that really all ive needed? this whole time, and i couldnt find ONE proper candidate throughout 20 years of life? its hard to really be upset about it, cuz.. ive got them now. thats all that matters

idk, i just. i think its really telling the kind of people they are, i know im only me, but.. for what its worth, theyve improved my life so drastically, i wouldve never thought id see myself happy like this. they do that for me, they do that and so much more. i love you 💞

[1-deadgirlwalking-1]

11/3/2024

MY SCHOOL KEEPS HAVING EVENTS TO GO TO THE AQUARIUM BUT IT’S ALWAYS EVERY SINGLE TIME AT THE EXACT SAME AQUARIUM THAT IS 3 HOURS AWAY, I WANNA GOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!1!!1! PICK A DIFFERENT ONE THAT IS CLOSER TO ME FOR ONCE, THERE ARE A DOZEN AQUARIUMS IN OUR STATE. GOSH. I CANNOT DRIVE SIX HOURS FOR A SINGLE DAY ONE EVENT TRIP!!!!!! let me see the FISHIES !!!!!!

but anyway, as a recap:

The friend I said blocked me because I scared him away had actually done so because he got with an abusive girl who forced him to block literally everyone, including MY MOM. MY MOTHER. After he broke up with her he unblocked me and explained the situation and now we’re back to being #besties forever again. I got in a QPR with the friend who’s play I went to and then we “broke up” (I said I wasn’t comfortable with dating anymore and expressed that I didn’t want it to change our relationship, which they said it wouldn’t. Real SHOCKER that didn’t happen. Though I don’t believe they are “in the wrong” for this, they can’t control their feelings.) and now we aren’t talking much anymore. BUT I’ve been texting this SUPER cool person I met a year ago and got to speak to again at their joint birthday party. They’re so awesome and I wanna be bestest friends but it’s difficult cause they live so far awayyyy. ):

And now currently:

I’m tired. I’ve gotten better, I’ve improved in the past few months. I’ve improved significantly even from the days when I was talking about how I’ve gotten so much better. I am constantly consistently improving whether or not I’m able to notice it at the time. I know this logically. But right now I’m in a depression. I had a manic episode a minute ago and now I am quite depressed. My sleep is whack, my eating is just as bad, my hygiene is getting worse. There was a point a little bit ago where I was consistently sleeping well and brushing my teeth daily, which was insane bcus I didn’t even think that was possible. But because I always let my bipolar get the best of me and refuse to medicate I’m back to the habits I’ve always had.

To show how I’ve felt, because I’m too tired to articulate it all over again, here’s a copy-paste of some messages I sent to my best friend on 10/22, 13 days ago:

“this morning mama made me come into her room to work on my schoolwork while i was tired and annoyed, cause i have two late assignments, and it made me wanna get worse to like “punish” her or something. (edgy.) like oh im not doing good enough? im not doing as well as i was earlier in the year? im doing everything wrong and you need to supervise me to make sure im actually working when i want to sleep because im tired and dont want to be alive? well what if i starved and starting hurting myself again fucking god just let me sleep i dont want to exist but i have to get up and get on my stupid eye bleeding computer because mama isnt “doing this with me anymore” and says i cant sleep all day and stay up all night and i need to get all of my schoolwork done every day. which i logically understand is because she cares about me and wants me to listen to her and doesnt want me to spiral and get in a terrible place but i feel like what is even the point.”

“why do i do anything whats the point of being alive i hate doing anything and everything except being with my friends and thats barely something i get to do. i just want to sleep forever nothing makes me really actually happy or content anymore. why am i even alive. im really depressed right now if you csnt tell i think im habing an episode”

“manic goes straight to depression sigh”

“i hate being bipolar im gonna fucking kill myself” (/nsrs)

I was improving about this mentally, feeling better again. But me and my mom had another chat about my parents possibly getting divorced, which is something we’ve had discussions about for a while. Just me and her. And I have known in my heart, that despite what she says; My father will most likely not get better or improve and she will divorce him one day, I just don’t know when that day is. And I’ve been content with that because I know if it did happen a lot would change but it would be for the best, and all I want is for my parents to be the happiest they can be, living the best lives they can. If my mother were to make that decision it’d be because it was the only choice to protect her safety health and wellbeing, she would never do something like that lightly. But when we were talking she said if they got divorced they’d have to sell the house and we’d most likely move into an apartment, which made me start crying because I wasn’t aware of that. I’d never thought of that. That they wouldn’t be able to afford it anymore.

And now because of that, I’m currently feeling like. What’s the point of anything. Why do I even exist. Why do I do the things that make me happy if I’m just going to lose it all tomorrow. What will I even have by then. I’m going to lose everything, I’m going to lose my parents marriage and my house and my entire livelihood. There’ll be no chance for me at that point, the only reason I’ve been improving is because I’ve been here in a safe comfortable place. The whole ordeal is going to ruin me. And it’s going to be all my fault because everything is always my fault.

I’m so tired. I just want. To sleep. It’s 1:03 AM. So I will.

[cybernightwanderer]

My life was over before i was even born.

I haven't popped up here in a long time... Not because i didnt " need to vent " but more like, i hit a point where i was/am so alone, even the ghosts in tumblr won't be here. I know im alone, i know i don't have anyone in this world, a hand to reach out and save me from this hell, no one that loves me...i mean if my own parents didnt love me, who the fuck could. Im so exausted from " living "... So so exausted,,, I keep asking myself " what am i doing here? why am i here? i need to die"... Im basicly just waiting to die..no will to live, no personality, no likes, no dislikes, no goals, no wishes, no dreams, no one that wll remenber me, or wish i was there...just nightmares and memories of all the painfull and reocurring memories, over and over again, showing me that i shouldnt be here.. My lonelyness is so deep that i revisit my past just to have a glimpse of someone else but me.. I need to die...heck! i shouldnt even have been born...i was/am here just to serve a mother who didnt want to raise her kids alone, i was here to cater to the men in my family, i was brought here to be a slave and punished for all the women who suffered in my family. It's been 3 years and 4 months now, since my last job...this last job i suffered some " mild " sexual harrassement, and i say mild, because in comparison, nobody tried to rape this time, nobody beat me up... But i was saotaged, exploited, yelled at, humiliated, threatned, overall bullied, i tried to defend myself " dont talk to me that way " , i took photos , proof of the exploitation and abuse, of the sabotages, i hired a lawyer, i did everything right this time, i tried to protect myself at all costs... and that cost me the rest of my savings, my honor, even the lawyer scammed me and got away with my money... If that is not proof that i shouldve died along time ago then i dont know what.... I am unemployed, traumatized, my body is weak, my mind is fucking week...and nobody will hire me because of my looks, and my speech... 3 years going on 4 ...I will eventually be on the streets.

I keep questioning my reality more than ever...am i really a hardworking person? i tought i was...or maybe i was just workaholic to escape my mother, the pain she caused me, the slaving away and the mothering i was forced to my own brother... I am dumb, i am not assertive, i smile too much when i dont know what to say and when im embarrassed wich is anytime i talk to anyone, i am not pretty, i am too ugly for the customer to look at, my hair look dirty because its all cracked from the stress, my teeth are crooked, missing, yellowish, my body is bigger than my head, i have become overweight, even tho there are days i dont even eat, because my will to die is stronger... Is it the tattoos??? but its so common now to see workers with tattoos, even those with direct contact with a client, at the supermarket, at the post ofice, at the doctors, even piercings... So it's def not the tattoos or the piercings... Nobody hires me because of the way i look, of the way i talk.. and more specificly because of 3 years unemplyed... My ptsd caused me to be on auto pilot, hiding away from the sexual assault and the constant abuse...slowly i wake up here and there... and it's too late...it has become worse. What does one do when they cant even get a job? i dont wanna be homeless, i dont want to be raped, attacked, i ... I suffered too much, i've suffered enough in my lifetime...when does it end?? why does it keep getting worse and more painfull??WHY? the pain is too much i can barely breath, but not enough to kill me...what a miserable life..

[babithyn]

august 27th, 2023

tw~ ed/mental health/rant

Its been a while… im currently 31weeks pregnant. this pregnancy has been extremely difficult.

Ive had a lot of stuff happen within the past four months. I moved in with my boyfriend. I got put on medical leave from work. My cars engine flooded. My mental health plummeted. My ED has reared its ugly head. Its just been a lot.

I feel like a burden to my boyfriend. He pays all the bills while all i do is sit at home. I have no source of income so i cant contribute to anything. I’ve been relying on my mom to pay my phone bill. Relying on my boyfriend to keep a roof over our head. all i can contribute is food stamps which i only got approved for last month.

In my 2nd trimester i started binge eating… im not sure if it was the change in my body or just my binge ED hitting me full force. but now that im in my 3rd trimester im barely eating one meal a day. Again i cant tell if its the pregnancy or my ED.

I fo know that my body dysmorphia is extremely bad at the moment. I cant even look at myself i. the mirror without crying. Logically I know im just pregnant but a voice in the back of my head is screaming at me that im fat and that its not just me being pregnant…

Im so sad all the time. And i honestly just want a hug and some comforting words. but i know i cant get that. My bf gets mad when i cry or even just say im sad. So at night when he’s sleeping i just silently cry next to him. or while he’s at work or the gym i sob uncontrollably.

We have some really bad fights sometimes that just destroys me. He says things like “i dont even really know you” or “you barely know me”… … … weve been together for almost 9months now. I’ve been so open with him from the beginning i even recently opened up to him about my ED when we first started dating. I try to tell him small stuff about me and it feels like he doesnt pay attention. He doesmt open up very much to me but i know a decent amount about him. of course we will never know everything about the people we love. there is always something to learn about the people we love and care about. shit im still learning things about my own mom and she’s my mom.

It sometimes feels like he doesnt want to be with me… like the only thing keeping him with me is our unborn daughter… which hurts because i love him so much… And recently he hasnt wanted to be intimate with me… which if course not only hurts but it makes me doubt myself. and i already feel ugly and fat but now… it just feels so much more real.

I crave affection from him so much that last night i had a dream that we went on a cute date. we got matching shoes and we held hands with each other and he called me pretty. but of course even my dream decided to attack me because right before i woke up a random person in my dream walked up to me telling me i was a horrible girlfriend. so my cute dream turned into a nightmare real quick. as per usual…

i miss my dogs… i know random and stupid to most people. but my dogs are my everything. i love them more than anything. Ive raised them since they were puppies. ive had dogs my entire life. there wasnt one second of my life where i didnt have at least one dog in my house.

And dogs lives are so short that being away from my babies for so long is painful.

October 24th, 2023

I never got to finish this post. I don’t remember why but I opened tumblr and it was the first thing i saw.

To continue what I was saying. I miss my dogs. And thats doubled even more now. Since writing this I’ve lost two of my dogs.

My 16 year old golden retriever passed due to old age. She wouldve been 17 this month. Ive had her since she was a puppy so even though it was expected it doesn’t hurt any less.

I also lost my 7 year old chihuahua. She got attacked by two other large dogs and the only way we wouldve been able to save her was with a $7k experimental surgery. I broke down and begged my followers on instagram, snapchat, and tiktok for help. But was only able to raise $50 between gofundme and cashapp. The next morning she passed and i was distraught.

Not only did i lose another one of my best friends but i still owed $3k in vet bills. I didnt take it well and a month later i still sob thinking about her. Shit i cant even type this without crying.

It’s been hard.

My due date is this saturday and im not okay if I’m being honest. I feel like im going to have really bad postpartum depression.

I feel lost. It’s hard to comprehend that im going to be a mom. That im going to have a little human dependent on me for the rest of my life.

Do that get me wrong, I love her. I love her so much already… but am i going to be a good mom? Am I going to raise her well? Are me and my boyfriend going to be good parents. Are we going to be able seal with the stress together?

There are so many variables that have me scared, stressed, and anxious.

On another note my body dismorphia makes me want to die. I have gained almost 70lbs this pregnancy. at my highest i weighed 248lbs. Ive lost 8lbs which i dont know how to feel about. So my current weight is 240lbs without fasting.

I hate it. And it hurts because I can see it. I physically can see the fat right bellow my gigantic baby bump. I can see the outrageous amount of stretch marks. I can feel the fat and stretch marks and not just when i tough them with my hands. The stretch marks sting, they feel like cuts on my stomach. It almost feels like fresh SH cuts.

This whole year has been traumatizing. This whole pregnancy has been traumatizing. Ive always wanted more than one kid but at this point i dont think my mental health could handle another pregnancy.

I have a feeling Im going to relapse with my ED after I give birth. I already have the urges to do so. Which isn’t good because I recently became hypoglycemic again.

To those who font know what that is. It’s pretty much early onset diabetes. Which was caused by my ED.

Ive struggled with binge eating, an0r3x14, and bul1m14 since the early age of 9. Going back and forth between the three on since.

That’s caused my blood sugar to be unable to regulate like a normal person. If I dont eat for longer than 5hours my blood sugar drops into the 40’s (normal is between 70 and 100) and when I eat the highest its gotten was 150 and thats after eating practically straight sugar.

So in simple terms my body produces to much insulin which can make me insulin resistant in the future.

i know this was long and all over the place. Especially since its months of stress thats piled up. I could type more but im honestly exhausted and will probably just make a separate post at a later date.

As always thank you for coming to my ted talk. Be safe take care of yourselves much love 🖤🖤🖤

[thatrandomventblog]

it just sucks so much. i want so badly to put my full weight on people but also im so scared ill hurt or break someone. knowing my dumbass i would and then id be miserable cuse hurting people isnt me. all i ever want to do it help thats all. sometimes it doesnt matter how as long as that person is feeling better. sometimes i feel like im drowing and the only way anything stops hurting is to soothe another whos hurting which never made any fucking sense to me but then again ive always been told ive been drawn to lost souls. maybe im meant to help others and nothing more. maybe im just not meant to really do anything important for the world. i want so badly to be a light for others so i joke and i help and i try and try and try. i get nowhere tho. and i dont know why. i never feel like i actually help someone and im constantly so fucking nervous of saying something wrong and hurting someone on accident and just fucking it up cuse its all ive done my whole life. fuck things up. my birth was a fuck up. i fucked up every day as a kid. i fuck up every day now. i never thought id make it to highschool but now im here. im here living when i thought id be dead. i keep changing myself to fit in better. so people will like me more. ive given up on reading, something ive done since i was ten constantly, reading books and getting lost in them. now i can barely pick one up. i just cant. last year i completely lost my motivation to get better in art. i failed so much. underage drinking led to parents mistrust. but it didnt matter that i was forced to it. i can vaugely recall that night and i keep thinking if it was my fault of theirs. the person who forced me. i guess it should be mine, considering as how im the one who eventually gave in. i cant eat fish anymore cuse the smell makes me think of times id rather forget. sometimes i doubt i could ever be with a girl sexually cuse of it. i keep trying so hard to let things fall into the past. it never seems to matter tho. one way or another they come back. they come back and i feel sick all over. memories of a vaccum getting thrown or of doors slamming haunt me. nothing i do shakes it. i feel like im drowing. i cant climb out of the hell hole im in. i think it should be that way. i do deserve it. im the fucking eldest how tf did i ever let myself be so fucking weak? but it dont matter anymore. im just kind of another dust in the wind. and i know. its always the same issue. but honestly? this household fucking sucks some days. and some days i wish that knife actually hit me. some days im thankful that at least i gotta meet the people i did. siblings keep telling me im lance mcclain irl, and that hits hard. i laugh my pain away until my chest feels compressed. i let just enough steam off so that i dont blow. just so that im not dying while smiling entirely. mom and dad ive tried talking to. it doesnt matter that im hallucinating anymore. it fucking hurts tho. i see things but not really. like its there in glimpses and sometimes there in wholes. but it doesnt matter. as of late im starting to think its a possibility that its ptsd triggered, but the thought of having ptsd makes me feel so fucking shitty. i shouldnt have it. at all. nothing ive been through has been enough (in my opinion) to actually make me have it. but i guess what i got is what i got. some days i feel like its an unfair hand. others i feel like its the hand i deserve. idk anymore.

[notxherexx]

tw ed

i want to completely relapse so bad. i miss being sick, fasting for a week, having 100-200 calories then throwing it up and fasting for another week. i felt so euphoric and in control. if it wasnt for inpatient i couldve continued to get skinnier, why are people so selfish? they put me in hospital because i was making them “miserable” and they “hated watching me waste away”. either i feel good about myself and they be miserable, or i be miserable with myself and them be happy and carry on with their lives like i never existed because im eating more than i need and becoming overweight. they need to stop pretending to care. and they kept telling me “theres healthier ways to do it” but why should i do that if starving is working and at such a fast rate. i dont give two sh^ts about being “healthy”. the feeling of stepping on the scales every minute of the day and seeing the number get lower and lower was just the best. it’s indescribable but i know others understand that feeling. but then i was put in inpatient and i lost all my progress. i gained even more weight than i started with before ana (63kg) and now im literally an overweight bmi, even thinking about it makes me want to un4l!ve. how could they do that to someone whos fear is literally even being a healthy weight. they held me down and tied me to a hospital bed to force-feed me and it was so traumatic and i wish i could just be lovely without being threatened by people sending me back. i cant fast anymore because my family sits every meal with me. i can refuse to eat, but thats when ill be sent back to inpatient and im not letting that happen. i cant start fasting again until after my brothers birthday (7th of Sep) because i want him to enjoy his day, i cant be that selfish. i’ll definitely start fasting and let myself give in to all the voices in about three weeks, after a holiday. id do it now but ive been looking foward to this holiday for so long and i really dont want to miss it. until then ill just restrict as much as i can without any notice so i can look a bit thinner on holiday. the maximum amount of calories ill eat in a day will be 1000. its alot but i have to stick to that so my parents dont cancel the holiday. oh how i miss the days when the voices took over. i didnt have to show emotion and i miss running my hands across bare skin and bones along my hips and ribs. id even started to develop a thigh gap, which was amazing because ive always had bigger thighs. i cant wait until next month. by the end of the year i will become walking th!nspo opposed to staring at the th!nspo on my screen.

[pixiecaps]

adventure song lyrics that make me rip pillows apart with my bare teeth and massive muscles

remember you (this entire song tbh)

“and i know youre going to need me here with you. but im losing myself, and im afraid youre going to lose me too”

“please forgive me for whatever i do. when i dont remember you”

“and i need to save you but whos going to save me?”

everything stays (immediately burst into tears)

“everything stays right where you left it, everything stays, but it still changes. ever so slightly, daily and nightly in little ways, when everything stays”

“the waters gotten higher as the shore washes out. keep your eyes wide open, even when the sun is blazin. the moon controls the tide, it can cause you to drown”

time adventure (i cant explain the raw emotion that comes out of me when this song plays)

“time is an illusion that helps things make sense. so we are always living in the present tense. it seems unforgiving when a good thing ends but you and I will always be back then. you and I will always be back then”

“if there was some amazing force outside of time to take us back to where we were and hang each moment up like pictures on the wall inside a billion tiny frames so that we could see it all, all, all”

“will happen, happening, happened. will happen, happening, happened. and there we are again and again cause you and i will always be back then. you and i will always be back then. you and i will always be back then. you and i will always be back then. and so, you and I will always be best friends.”

island song (a bop)

“all of my collections i’ll share them all with you. maybe by next summer we won't have changed our tunes”

“all of my collections i'll share them all with you. i’ll be here for you always and always be with you”

“come along with me and the butterflies and bees. we can wander through the forest and do so as we please living so merrily”

im just your problem (this scene altered the course of humanity)

“am i not sweet enough for you? is that why you always avoid me? i must be such an inconvenience to you”

“i shouldnt have to prove anything to you. im sorry that i exist. i forgot what landed me on your blacklist, but i shouldnt be the one that makes up with you, so why do i want to. why do i want to”

fries (dont get me started)

“but you ate them, yeah, you ate my fries and i cried but you didnt see me cry. daddy, do you even love me? well i wish youd show it cause i wouldnt know it”

“what kind of dad eats his daughter's fries and doesn't look her in the eyes? daddy, there were tears there. if you saw them would you even care?”

[movinglaciers]

lateposting oversharing to the tumblr void bc i’m sad

i’ve been sooooo down bad with dating like so bad. I’ve gone on 3 dates this year, all I thought went well. first 2 ghosted me. 3rd one lasted for EIGHT HOURS and he was SO romantic and kept telling me WHILE WE WERE ON THE DATE that he was having fun, and then the next day I texted him and said I want to hang out again soon and he said “I had fun too but I have a lot going on so I will have to pass” like bro??? at least he didn’t ghost me I guess but I feel like the way he said that was so fucking cruel like I’m actually so sad. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO SOMEONE????? while we were on this fucking date he kept calling it the first date and saying other things we should do in the future and hugging me and cuddling me and kissing me like not even making out. and then we did fuck and when he left he hugged me for like a minute straight kissing my cheeks like we’re fucking dating. and then he’s like yeah actually i’ll pass. I’m actually sick like why did he ask me deep questions to open up to him and vice versa like I never want to trell anyeone important ever again. and I keep letting guys take advantage of me bc I feel like I put out and then they do this. It’s so discouraging and I’m so ugly and obviously don’t have a good personality bc all these dates fail and I’m so sick of dating apps but I’m literally going to be alone forever at this rate likeeeee it’s kind of sick !!! I also feel like I don;t have any particularly close friend connections right now either and I just feel so lonely! I hate being young in covid times its like no one is trying to actually meet new people romantic or platonically. so I just whore myself out bc it’s the onyl way I can find any sort of connection. my body count is 16 and I’m sick thinking about it. and I see “friends” with their friend groups and im like where the fuck do you find a connection like that!!! I would kill for a friend group and extended friend group and friends of friends and to not feel so god damn lonely all the time 

I also hate my job so much like i’m actually miserable and I’m a fucking senior level being paid less than some newer entry levels and it’s so sick and I can’t afford to live! one of my 2 paychecks is exactly the price of my rent and I have such bad credit card debt right now I just really cannot get ahead. and I can’t tell my parents because they will just freak out. like I barely eat 1 meal a day and I still have nothing in my savings. and I applied for new jobs and interviewed for one and got denied and I know that’s life and it happens but god damn it made me feel so bad. no one wants me! as a friend or platonic or employee! like I literally don’t know what’s wrong with me and I feel like I’m so shut off now I barely talk to people about personal things bc I don’t want to give anyone reason to not like me

I know I need to go back on my meds I just CANt force myself too. I also can’t afford the refill. I know I need a second job but not even barista or bar back jobs will hire me. I know I need to go back to therapy but I can’t afford it cuz I can’t afford to live!!! I just cannot do this anymore. not in an unalive way but god fucking dammit when will I catch a BREAK!!!! this shits never ending and I’m only 24!!!!!!!!!! I don’t even have the resources to get myself out of this hole. part of me feels like I need to move out of philly and start fresh somewhere else but like if I can’t make friends in my own city how the fuck am I going to fare somehwere completely new. liike I think I have newish friends that im close with or so I think but then they hang out together and its last minute like oh you should come! obviously they don’t want me there.

it’s 4am and I’m sobbing crying typing this and listening to folklore and I have a meeting at 8am<3

[zmayadw]

Hello to all :)

Its time to continue the story. I’ll post 2 parts today, since next one is a bit short, but the second one a bit longer, so bear with me :D

Anyway, wish you all a nice evening :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 5

The sun was shyly peeking through clouds when i woke up. I felt a bit woozy,  the events of last night coming back to me. My stomach ached, tears forming in my eyes as the image of Jake leaving flashed before my eyes. „Good morning, hun.“ It was Doris, worry still written all over her face. „You gave me quite a scare last night. Are you allright,hun?“ she asked. „Yeha, I will be, thanks Doris.“ I said, whiping those tears away. „Oh, dont you worry, hun, he'll come arround.“ She smiled, and winked at me. „Sorry?“ i said. „The guy that was here yeserday. A girl can only cry like that because of something like it.“ She said, gazing at the wall, like remembering something similar herself. I gave her the best forced smile i could make „I hope your right, Doris, i really do.“ „Oh, trust me, hun. I can bet you he will.“ She smiled at me so warmly, gave me my breakfast, and left me to to it. I didnt really have much of an apetite, but i forced myself to eat, and i drank some tea. I took my phone, texting Jessy, asking if she might come arround today. She replied quickly that she's actualy on her way here already, and i was glad for it. I could really use her company right now.  It wasnt long till her cheerful voice echoed through my room „Hey, hey, miss Reckless“ she teased. „I bring coffee and icecream.“ She waved the bags at me, but imediatly stoped seeing my face. „Oh, Maya, what happened?“ she asked, her face taking on the sadden look. That sadness came back to me, and i started crying. Jessy left the bags on the chair, quickly sitting next to me, hugging me tightly. „Let me guess“ she sarted „He texted you, didnt he?“ I shook my head, wich made her ask again. „He called?“ Again, i shook my head. She pulled away from me, a bit of curiosity on her face. „He was here?!?“ I finaly nooded. „Nice.“ She said, and i looked at her a bit confused, saying through tears „Nice? Jessy, i would not cry like a little bitch if it was nice!“. „Oh, shush, you silly, and listen!“ she stared, taking a hankerchief from the stand, handing it to me. „You said it yourself, its gonna be a tough conversation. And lets be honest, he has EVERY right to be pissed at you.“ I growled at her, but she shushed me and continued. „Wait, wait, im not done. He probably heard all the information from Lily about what happened, and im sure he 'interrogated' her for every little detail. She definatly didnt sugarcoat any of it, so he got the good picture.“ That word 'interogated' got me smiling a bit, i could totaly picture Jake naging Lily to tell him every little bit of events that happened. „Ok, you following me. So tell me this then: if he already knew all that happened, and if he knew how you wer doing, would he come here himself, if he was that much pissed? Or if he doesnt care anymore?“ she asked, looking at me, with a cheerfull grin on her face. She got me some hope back with her words, but it quckly got replaced with despair again. „But you should have seen him, Jessy. He looked so dissapointed and betrayed by me...like i drowned that little spark of hope he had in him. I dont think he will ever want to see me again, let alone talk to me.“ She looked at me smiling. „Dont worry, Maya, im sure you're wrong about it, if i can judge by other men.“ „You and Doris both.“ I said, mumling it more to myself then to her. Jessy didnt seem to notice. „Give him some time to cool off. Maybe then you two can talk again about everything..without all this drama.“ She nudged at me, getting up and grabing one of the bags from the chair. „This needs some serious icecream overdose, like right now! „Thanks, Jessy..for being here for me.“ I said, as she handed me the spoon. „No need to thank me. You know i'm here for you, Maya, for anything.“ „I know, Jessy, right back at ya'.“ We ate some icecream in silence for a while, and i could see on Jessy's face that there was something that occupied her toughts. I poked her leg with my finger, wich made her look at me. „Whats on your mind, Jessy? I can see something is bothering you.“ i asked. She hesitated for a moment, before saying „Are you really sure you want to know?“  That got me a bit confused „Ofcourse, Jessy, you know you can talk to me about anything.“  She looked through the window, wich was now full of rain drops, and her face took on the same gloomy features as the weather outside. „They burried him yesterday.“ She said finaly, and i didnt have to ask who she refered to. „Oh..i see.“ I didnt know what more to say. „Thats why i didnt come yesterday.“ She continued. „I dont know why, but i wanted to go. I guess i wanted to be sure it was really over, you know?“ she said, her eyes getting a bit sad. „I cant belive what i'm about to say, but it was sad. Seing his dad like that, alone.“ She turned her gaze back to the window. „Jessy..its all right. Its understandable you have mixed feelings about it.“ I said. „Is it?“ she asked, turning back to me. „Isnt it crazy to care for someone, even tho he caused us so much pain, and almost ruined our lives? After all thats happened?“ now her eyes wer full of tears. I got out of bed, crouching next to her, taking her by the hand „Your not crazy, Jessy. You wer friends for so long, all of you. You all shared so much together, I saw how close all of you wer. And for that bond to be cut so suddenly and cruely..Especialy for you, since you two wer the closest...No, Jessy, its not crazy you feel this way.“ I hoped my words would make some sense to her. I could see it really bothered her so much. „Maybe you shoul talk to others about it.“ I advised. She looked at me, a bit sceptical, but i continued. „Hey, dont dismiss it so fast. And beside, eventually you guys will have to discuss those events.“  „Later sounds better to me.“ She replied, some of her cheerfullness coming back. „Whenever you guys feel up to it.“ I told her, getting up and sitting back on the bed. She got up, went to the bathroom, and when she came back she looked at me „We have to stop crying everytime im here, its almost all we ever do.!“ She grinned, and i returned her a grin of my own. „Well, lets make a pact then, shall we? From now on no more crying! Agreed?“ i asked, extendig my hand towards her, wich she took instantly, laughing „Agreed!“ She stayed with me for a while more. At some point a doctor came in informing me that if all would look ok, next week i could get discharged from hospital. That made Jessy even more happier, since she couldnt wait for me to get out of here. „Oh, dont get so excited just jet“ i grined at her, and she looked puzzled at me. „Dan cant wait it also, he said you forbid him from drinking, but when i get out you wont be able to say no to him!“ „Ohh, that hooligan! He will hear from me about that!“ she said fierce, but couldnt hide the smile. „Go easy on him, i think we all deserve one 'crazy night out', considering all.“ I told her,and she agreed, but added „Just not too crazy, please! Dan thinks he can sing when drunk, and unfortunatly we can barely keep him away from the karaoke machine at Aurora.“ „Ahh, you shouldn't have told me this, now you have to let Dan loose, i have to hear that amazing vocie of his!“ We both laughed at it. Doris entered the room „Oh, its nice to see you laugh, hun, thats the best medicine there is.“ She siad, winking at me. „Sure is, Doris.“ I said, winking back.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Friends to Lovers with Tony Stark

Tony Stark x reader

warnings:

a/n: i make bad decisions and then write immediately after, hope this didn’t absolutely suck

prompt: anonymous: “Headcanons going from best friends to lovers with Tony Stark”

meeting one another way back in the day, children on wildly weathly businessmen

actually forced to play together while your parents were in business meetings

you ended up resenting each other

mostly because every time you had to see each other, it got boring really fast

and your parents shit talked his parents constantly so you accepted that it should just be that way

YEARS later you and him reconnected when you attended MIT

“son of a bitch, what are the odds? tony goddamn stark”

“the odds aren’t in our favor, i guess”

not only were the two of you in assigned seats for the semester, you were also lab partners

but then you realized that you two were feuding for no reason and you actually enjoyed each others company

in this setting, your friendship thrived

“dude, i cant believe that we spent our entire childhood despising each other”

“yeah, y/n, you really missed out. i’m a motherfucking pleasure”

“oh, shut up, tony!”

pulling all nighters because the two of you get distracted by each others presence often

“y/n, try and catch the popcorn in your mouth. say ‘aaaahh’”

“oh, shit. wait, okay. ahhhhh” *throws popcorn and hits your eye* “wait, one more time!”

some wild nights on the town, occasionally stumbling back to your dorms after a few too many drinks

sometimes tony goes out on his own and calls you when he can’t make it home

“hh-ey se—” *burps* “sexy. could you maybeee, i dunno, i need some. some help getting home”

“same place as last time?”

“yeahh, that’s the place.” *hic* “im gonna throw up”

“i have the bucket in my backseat”

and yeah, he calls you sexy when he’s drunk, you just deal with it

he also forgets his keys a lot so thats a whole other mission for you

being bored as hell on school breaks because you have to go back to your families and hear them complain about one another (and ofc report back and make fun of your dramatic ass parents)

but one day you got a call from tony over winter holiday and you were excited to hear his voice until it seemed a little shaky

“hey? everything alright?”

“not...not really. i’ve got some bad news. really bad news...”

he could barely get his words out after that, but he told you his parents had been in an accident

you immediately left your house and drove hours to go see tony, this was his moment of need

mysteriously not long after that, your parents suffered a similar fate

the two of you took over your companies and had much more reasonable meetings, a wonderful partnership, indeed

but you were still two childish idiots at times

you’d bring each other to parties and shit

“you guys have met y/n, right? my date?”

“yep, this is tony, my date”

ongoing joke

ofc you two have done some shit on dares

i firmly believe tons of ppl have dared you guys to make out and who are y/n l/n and tony stark to turn down a good dare?

“what’s he taste like?”

“those goddamn blueberries he’s always eating”

he always has snacks always

several headlines have been speculation on whether or not you two are dating

tony drives you around tons

wants to “show you a good time”

blasting music while speeding down the road

honestly? sharing hotel rooms just bc you feel safer together

especially after he disappeared for so long

“oh my god, tony, i was worried sick abouy you”

“have you written my obituary yet? i gotta read it before i do anything else. how will i be remembered?”

“shut up and give me a hug, you asshole”

playfully making fun of each other

him showing you his “greatest creation” which was a battle suit (which was actually pretty badass)

“i want one”

“no way, this is my baby. you cant have my baby. unless you wanna have my baby” *wink wink*

ah, pepper likes when you’re around bc you distract tony from her and get him back on his work

and happy likes you because tony’s less paranoid around you

you’re like his second bodyguard but you dont get paid

CANT forget rhodey he cant stand you only bc you remind him of tony

but overall you’re alright

you CANNOT HELP but laugh at tony when he does something unfathomably stupid!!!!

even if hes in immediate danger you sometimes cant stop laughing (but that might just be panic.)

as the avengers came up, you weren’t invited on that “business trip” >:(

instead you got to accompany pepper on some stark/l/n business and ended up seeing tony nearly die on live tv

the second you saw him again, you couldn’t tell if you were happy or furious to see him

“you son of a bitch, stark! you had me so worried that you weren’t gonna make it, i might as well kill you myself! don’t ever do something so stup—”

tony kissed you

but like, for real

not as a joke

it seemed right, so you kissed back

“yeah, i missed you, too. can we go get some dinner and catch up?”

“wait, that was..?”

“long overdue, i know”

wasn’t long before the tabloids got ahold of some more “tony x y/n” content

and the lovely rumor was confirmed at a press conference!

“mr. stark, is it true that you and y/n l/n have an official relationship?”

“hell yeah, it’s true! you heard here first, folks! y/n and i are an item! and i fuckin’ love them!”

you made the cover of 5 different magazines 😌

you supported tony on his adventures but you wanted in

“really, after what happened in new york? well, i guess you saving my life on the battlefield would be kind of hot...sure. we’ll give it a shot”

“nuh-uh, tony. i’m in whether you like it or not!”

“that’s why i love you, you do it all. even when i don’t want you to”

engineering your own tech for yourself and others to help on missions

you did surprisingly well

tony had some issues that needed resolving though...like flirting during fights

“wow, y/n, you look great from this angle” *gets hit by some projectile*

“hah! serves you right!”

seriously, you guys were an iconic couple

and it helped that you guys were already so comfortable with each other, the two of you knew exactly what the other was thinking, it was baffling that you guys didn’t actually have powers

but tony was still tony and he had a problem putting you in danger, he was most comfortable with his arm around you

avengers parties and other dealings kept you busy busy busy

but you always made time for one another

and had tons of fun wherever you could

one might even say you and tony were...endgame (im so sorry)

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @allthecreativeonesaretaken // @frostedgiant // @praellee // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs //

[ushijimasgirlfriend]

so this is my first ever writing any of these so im sorry if its bad.

contains: angst, smut, heavy degradation, rough sex, slapping, kinda really mean ): this also contains usive of drugs, toxic relationship LIKE CRAZY.

this includes only ushijima sorry.

so you come home high off pills because you have been so depressed and had a bad day. ushijima knows about your fight with drugs and he hates it. not because hes a goody two shoes it’s because he cares for you, a lot.

so when you come home high off pills you dont even try to hide it you just try and avoid him but he was waiting for you because he was made dinner for you. he heard you come in and welcomed you but he never heard you say anything back.

he goes looking for you around the house and he finds u laying on the floor of the living room, he already knows.

his first thought is to yell at you, so he does. he says what the fuck are you doing. you struggle to look at him because you dont know where he is. you looking around and see him with a dissapointed face, which took you back in junior year when your father first found you off drugs. you get scared at the face he makes and instantly apologize.

hes so mad. you say im sorry am i annoying you, ill go to the other room. he instantly snaps, what the fuck y/n! you dont even look like yourself. get the fuck up off the floor. you say you’re making me nervous stop ushijima. he says no and pulls you up aggressively by the wrist and dragging you to the bathroom. you scream and yell ow to-toshi! stop that youre hurting me. he doesnt answer but he slams you against the wall and throws you on the floor yelling in your face so now you’re coming home high off drugs again?! i thought you stopped that. you laugh in his face not able to control yourself saying sorry i didnt mean to just today okay? ushijima just stares at you in disgust. thats bullshit he then continues to drag you to the bathroom.

once you get to the bathroom he forces you too look in the mirror, look at yourself, you look stupid. you’re nothing but a body only good for drug abuse. you stop your breathing and stare yourself in the eyes, you start to sob uncontrollably. you tell him to let you go but he only grabs you harder. you let out a scream and he whispers in your ear ‘what a fucking disgrace. leave. get your shit and leave.’ he lets go and throws you out the bathroom while he closes the door locking himself in.

you cant hear anything but silence. he screams but all you can hear is pain. did i do this to him? hes right i have to leave. but you cant get yourself to get up. tears still falling down your cheek. you yell and bang on the door ‘ushijima let me in please’ he doesn’t respond so you fall on the floor crawling up in a ball. you hear him whisper form the bathroom ‘i did everything for you. i tried everything to help you.’ you bitch he yells and you can hear him punch a whole in the wall. your eyes widen and your hand goes over your mouth because you dont want him to hear your sobs.

he opens the door grabs his keys and walks to the doorway. ushijima please dont go im sorry i’ll just leave so you can stay. i need you, i need your help. please you look at him as if he is your last resort. and he is. he just looks at you and says get up. you try your hardest to get up but cant do it, the pain, your body doesnt let you. and you know it’s because of those pills. after trying so hard you look up at ushijima you see him walk towards you. he puts you on his back and brings you outside and locks you out.

you thought he was coming out with you. you dont even try to knock or try and get in you just go to the backyard and you cant even walk right. you get in from a window. you cant hear anything in the house but you know he is in there. you look around the house quite as possible. you find ushijima with his head in his hands. you whisper his name. he looks back and says i knew i should have locked that window. he gets up passes by you and you look back and you see him stop in the middle of the hallway he turns back with his head down, hes coming back for you. he grabs your wrist and you can see his bloody hand from when he punched the wall. you dont say anything.

he brings you to the bed and says strip. you do as he says in complete silence avoiding eye contact. when you’re done he says look at me. you look him dead in the eye as you see him undress. you try and break eye contact but he slaps you and says ‘you fucking druggy i said look at me’ you cant believe he even touched you. you sob, you guys hear nothing but your sobs while you continue to look at him.

when hes done undressing he looks at you and says your cheek is red, its your fault. you punch him but it doesnt effect him. youre weak compared to him. he pins you to the wall and says you cant do that. youre going to get punished for that. im not even going to lie y/n, your hair looks amazing today but all your fighting ruined it. you whimper choking out a small ‘sorry ushijima’

he slaps your bare thigh and bites your neck. he pushes you on the bed and says look at me y/n. im hurting you i know, but give me consent. you look at him and nod your head. you think to yourself how did this even happen. im totally fucked.

you look down in fear and see his hard as fucking rock cock. you look up at him and hes staring at you. ‘i know you want it, i’ll give it to you.’ he then grips your thighs and you see that hes about to eat you out. he then without any warning blows on your sensitive clit, you jolt your body up. he takes his big hand and bushed your body down ‘do not move.’ you try your best not to move as he enters his tongue into you. as he is moving it in and out hes rubbing his thumb on your clit. you moan non-stop. as you reach your climax you yell ‘ushijima i-im gonna cum’ as he hears that he stops what hes doing and says okay.

you realized hes edging you on. you yell and say why would you do that ugh! ‘you want my cock? huh right? you slut say it.’ you finally say yes ushijima please i want you cock so bad. he then shoves his cock all the way in. you yell so loud you think the whole neighborhood heard. he didnt let you adjust to his size at all. he covers your mouth and says ‘shut up and take this fucking dick.’

he starts thrusting in and out faster and faster as you hear him moan, which only made you feel better. he says ‘this is what you get when you make me like this. this is all your fault this would have never happened if you were just a normal girl.’ you start tearing up and he notices and ignores it. still thrusting in and out, faster and faster. you yell ‘im going to cum toshi, please go faster.’ he does ‘cum with me baby.’ as you both reach your climax and cum on his dick as you feel him fill you with all of what he has.

he looks at you while tears are falling. ‘clean up, you look dirty’ while he whipes off your tears. he gets up and throws his oversized tee-shirt at you thats smells exactly like him. he then throws on boxers and brings you to the kitchen where he still had the dinner prepared from earlier. ‘dont fucking do that again y/n or i will go crazy.’ you just nod as you drank some water.

THE END HEHEHHEEHEH

omg okay so im sorry if this was too long, bad, or even way too much for some of you guys but ive been wanting to see one of these really bad so i made it myself. sorry if i made any of you guys uncomfortable:,(. even though i know ushijima would never do this to a woman, this was just the point of the story ig ‘ushijima in a toxic ass relationship’ can you guys PLEASE tell me how you feel about this bc its my first story ever hehehhe. anyways maybe even put in some recommendations. also sorry if there were typos lol



[angelicspaceprince]

Marked Part 2

Author: Ama

Title: Marked (Pt 2)

Pairing: Beetlejuice/Reader

Character/s: Beetlejuice

Word Count: 4, 003 words

Warnings: Yandere!Beetlejuice, dub/noncon, hypnosis, cum kink/play, forced oral, dirty talk, forced orgasm, Daddy Kink, gaslighting, clones, fleshlights, humiliation and degradation.

Prompt: You have been living with Beetlejuice (with your knowledge) for six months now and to say that it has all been going smoothly? Well. That’d be a flat out lie.

Tagged: @imma-fucking-nerd, @im-eating-rn, @secretlysweetmonsters, @sapphic-florals

Notes: Thanks to friendos for helping me plot because we had. Uh. A good time. Plotting this.

Part 2 of this fic here

Buy Me a Coffee

Marked (Pt 2)

Beetlejuice had considered the two of you ‘official’ for the past six months, at least, that’s when he first had his dick in your mouth. You had taken to your training so well, most likely thanks to Beej manipulating your brain every time there is a new lesson to be learnt. Still, even with you completely obedient to everything, he would do, sometimes obedient bored him. He wanted you to love him for him, not because he told you to.

Still, even if he didn’t want that, he still would remove his hypnosis to see you squirm the way you do, the hate in your eyes making the whole process so much more sweeter for him. Still, he enjoyed making you do things that he knew you normally wouldn’t do. His latest obsession was having you feel like you were burning the moment you were wearing clothes, and to have you be his little 60’s housewife, ready to do whatever he asks in a second. He really enjoyed making you bend over for him, then running his hand over your ass and down to your always dripping pussy and pushing his fingers in, just to hear you moan and buck back towards him, a dopey smile permanently on your face as he brings you close to orgasm and keeping you there, begging to cum but never having permission.

That was the other thing that he started making sure of, no matter what you, him or his clones did, you couldn’t cum without him ordering you to. You’d gone a week so far without an orgasm and he could tell it was eating at you. Good.

He loved having your mouth on his dick, mindlessly sucking with your ass in the air. If you were good, you could take him all the way down. If he claimed you were bad, you could only suck the tip, drinking and tasting every drop of his precum until he came in your mouth. If you didn’t swallow every single drop, then you started again.

Today, he was having fun with that command. Having you kneel on the couch, head in his lap as he flickers through the channels, your warm mouth sucking happily at his tip, his hands running up and down your sides, occasionally reaching down to pinch at your nipples until you groan or moving up to stroke your hair so you purr, your wet and empty cunt dripping onto the couch. He’ll have you clean that up later. His lap was already covered in the cum you failed to swallow down. He could feel himself getting close again, hand weaving in your hair as he starts to make you bob up and down slightly, just enough to get him over the edge. The second he starts to cum, he speaks. “Open.” You whine as his taste hits your tongue and promptly slides off and out your mouth, now hanging wide open as you try (and fail) to swallow what he gives you. He tsks. “That’s the fifth one, sweetheart. You really aren’t good at obeying me, aren’t you?” You whine in protest. “What was that, little one?”

You pull back. “Please Daddy, please let me cum.” You whine out as you cant your hips. “I’ll clean up for you, I’ll do whatever you want me to, just please, please, Daddy. Let me cum.”

Beetlejuice pretends to consider it. “No. Cumwhores like you should be able to cum without being touched. You either cum like this or not at all.” You go to protest, but his commands cause you to shut up and just nod, clearly frustrated at the lack of ability to cum. “Get back to work, I want you to actually swallow for me. Be a good little cumdump for me.”

You nod before wrapping your mouth around his somehow still hard dick, sucking as he continues to watch TV. One more time, then he will have you blow him properly.

By the time he allowed you to actually swallow him down properly, the leather was saturated, there were buckets of cum for you to eat. Hands behind your back as you lick every part of his skin that’s been stained white, swallowing with each mouthful you manage to get. You start shifting and rubbing at your tummy about a quarter of the way there, pulling back when you reach about halfway, begging him for a break. If he was a kind man, he’d let you take breaks or even tell you to stop once you started to complain about your tummy being full. Unfortunately, he was a demon and a not very kind one at that. He watches you struggle to fit the last bit of cum in your mouth, swallowing and showing him your now empty mouth. He smiles, and you get ready to be praised only to hear him tapping at the couch and you see all of the slick you had left behind. Your stomach drops. “Get to work, baby girl.”

By the time you’re done, your belly has swollen and is cramping, causing you to wince into the floor, holding onto your taut belly. Beej barely blinks as he gets up and walks around you. You begging for him to stop? Potentially breaking his hypnosis? He can’t have that. He’s not a complete bastard, he will give you a break first, of course. But, you’ll have to be punished. Eventually.

You didn’t move for over an hour, so when Beetlejuice came looking for you, you were still in the same spot, groaning in pain. He rolls his eyes, it wasn’t that bad. Truly, you should be grateful he allowed you the opportunity to taste him. Still, the groans were annoying, so he walks over to place a cool hand over what looks like the sorest part of your tum. You sigh in relief. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“Of course, princess.” He says as he rubs at your belly softly until your body straightens out and relaxes. “Feeling better?” He barely gets an ‘mmhmm’ out of you as you lay there peacefully as the pain is taken away. Maybe punishment right now isn’t a good idea. Not that it bothers Beetlejuice, just gives him more time to be creative.

You hated being left alone now, a part of your training was to crave his touch, his commands, and to obey them regardless if you were in hypnosis or not. So, after being carried into the bedroom and left there with the order to ‘not leave the bed’, the longer he was gone, the more distressed you became. You got so loud that he stormed back up to tell you to ‘shut the hell up’, which left you silently whimpering for his approval and touch.

It felt like days, but you knew it was only a few hours. The sun was finally beginning to set, your tummy no longer aching from being overstuffed, and even though your muscles ached from the cramping and the tears, and slowly you were beginning to shake with the fear that Beetlejuice was never coming back. That he forgot about you. Maybe you’d been bad and he didn’t want to deal with you anymore.

That’s how Beej found you, curled in a ball, crying softly as you silently mouth his name over and over. Perfect.

“Oh, my little baby girl is crying.” He mocks, causing you to jolt. “Tell me, sweetheart, what’s wrong? Come to Daddy, let him fix it.” You didn’t need to be told twice as you bolted from the bed and straight into him, kneeling at his feet with your arms locked around his waist as you babble into the soft of his stomach.

“I thought you were angry at me and that I was naughty and I’m sorry Daddy, but I promise to be good and I won’t make you upset again, just please, don’t leave me-”

“Oh, but you have made me angry, babes. Very. Very. Angry.” You whimper at the dangerous tone in his voice as you look up at him, eyes wide. “Don’t look at me like that, slut, you know exactly what you did.” Beej has to hide back a smirk as he watches you think over anything you could have don’t a clue as to what you did wrong. Even better. “Why don’t you tell Daddy what you did and maybe he will let you get out of your punishment?”

You think over what had happened over the day, you followed every instruction perfectly! What could Beetlejuice be talking about? Was a guess better than admitting you didn’t know? You whimper as your brain starts to go in circles, what did you do?

The grin on Beej’s face widens. “Oh, my little whore, cat got your tongue? Well, it certainly didn’t when you decided it was okay for you to speak out of turn.” His thumb traces over your trembling lips before pushing in, you automatically beginning to suck at it. “Daddy knows best, Y/N, and he doesn’t like it when his toy backchats to him.” You whine in protest, flinching when he tsks, removing his thumb from your mouth. “Oh, babes. That’s two strikes now.”

You don’t even dare to follow him with your eyes when he steps back and walks over to your cupboard, now filled with his toy collection. “On your back.” You stand to go to the bed. “I’m sorry, did I say you could stand? On the floor, where you belong. And stay silent.” You sink back down and lay on the cold floor, staring up at the ceiling as you wait for him to come back with whatever toys he wanted to use on you this time. “Spread your legs.” You part them slightly and wince when you feel something cold and plastic press up against you. “Close them.” You obey, slightly confused as he comes to stand by your head, but a shadow still appearing from the base of your legs. “Oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong? Your pretty little brain not able to tell what’s going on?” He sniggers when you look up at him and your confusion is evident in your eyes. “Well, here’s the thing, little one. I’m not dirtying myself with that pussy of yours, I deserve better. Hence the clone. But, he shouldn’t have to put up with that filth, so instead, I’ve provided a substitute. Hence the toy between your legs. Much better than your pathetic little cunt.” His smile is malicious, lethal. If you had it in you, you’d be terrified. “Instead, you’re just going to lie here like the perfect little toy holder you are and let my clone fuck it.” If it wasn’t for the command for you to stay quiet, you’d be protesting loudly as the clone climbs on top of you, your eyes never leaving the original Beej as you feel the second line himself up and sink down onto what you could only assume is a fleshlight.

You quickly got used to the feeling of being ground on without being touched, even if you were leaking slick and clenching at each thrust, body confused that sex was clearly happening and yet you remain empty. You felt pathetic, maybe you weren’t good enough for Daddy, maybe this was all you’re good for. Who are you kidding? Daddy is always right.

You don’t hear yourself cry, but you definitely feel and see your tears well in your eyes before trailing down your face, leaving it blotchy and wet. Even through blurry vision, you can see Beetlejuice looking down at you in glee. “My little cocksleeve is crying? Such a shame. Of course, it’s not your fault that you are a cum addict.” He crouches down next to you, so close and yet so very, very far. “Perhaps I should tie you up outside, hm? With a sign to let everyone know you can be used for free.” You can feel yourself shake your head in protest. “No? You wouldn’t like to be fucked all day? Numerous dicks pounding into you as everyone watches? I’m sure that you’d love it, after all, you’re nothing more than a cumdump. Why should I keep you all to myself, hm?” He chuckles, low and dark causing a shiver up your spine. “Oh, babes. I know you better than you think. I know you’re always gagging for another dick in you. What sort of a demon would I be if I didn’t help you out a little with that? Just think how full you’d be, covered in cum, fucked out, blissed out. I think you’d never look back.” His hand makes its way to your hair, grabbing and pulling harshly so your pulled back. “It’s a good thing you're mine, isn’t it? Because if I order you to, you will do it without complaints. Because I told you to. Isn’t that right?”

You have to nod because you know it's true. You’d do anything for him if it made him happy. He pats your cheek condescendingly. “There’s my good little whore, I knew she was hiding somewhere in there.” You feel awful but still beam under his praise as the clone’s hips shudder to a stop, a moan slightly higher than Beej’s usual sound can be heard before a ‘pop’ as the clone disappears, leaving you holding the cum-filled toy with your thighs. You whimper when Beej’s hand leaves your head and moves to rip the toy from you, throwing it carelessly behind him. You can clean up the mess later. But for now, he has other plans in mind.

His hands grab at your knees and pries them apart as he moves to slot himself between your legs, feeling your slick already down past your thighs. “Oh, little one. I knew you’d enjoy that more than you let on.” He starts to grind his hips against your core, letting you feel just how hard he had become watching you panic as the clone used you. “You took your punishment so well, I think perhaps you should get a reward.” A simple click of his fingers and now he’s just as naked as you, already lining his cock up to your sopping entrance. “Remember, babes, I want you to be loud.” He reminds as he pushes in, bottoming out in one solid thrust.

You moan loudly, head pushing back against the floor as you feel him stretch you in the most magnificent way, hands clawing at the floor, still unable to move from that position. “Fuck, you’re so tight, just like all cocksleeves should be.” You mewl at the praise, clenching down automatically causing him to groan out once more. It’s not long until he’s got your legs over his shoulders and he’s driving into you at the ferocious, unyielding pace that he favours, his praises over how good you take him and how he knew from the second he saw you, this is what you were made for takes over every inch of space in your brain, your body responding keenly to his rough treatment as he digs his nails and teeth into your flesh, drawing blood, leaving hand-shaped bruises and claw marks over your body, marking you as his.

You felt your eyes roll back ages ago, and your mouth was left wide open (much to Beej’s glee) as loud grunts, moans and noises that would make a pornstar blush left your throat. You could feel your cheeks and chin slowly become wet with your drool, your blissed-out face not wanting to do anything more than just let Beetlejuice use you the way he wants.

You couldn’t see the demon’s face, however. How his grin widens the louder you become. Still, you were docile. And it was getting kinda dull for him. He snaps his hips forward before grinding in to make sure he is as deep in you as possible before he speaks. “Y/N.” Your eyes snap to look at him to show him you’re listening. “Wake up.”

It was like your body had been removed from a frozen lake. Ice cold shock overtakes your system as your brain clears for the first time in what feels like centuries. No matter how many times he did this, he still loved how your grip on his dick tightens as you try to claw your way out. “Y/N, stop it.” He growls out when you try slapping him. “Shoulders and hands on the ground.” Your body obeys even though you are desperately telling it not to.

“Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beelt-” You gag on the final word and above you, Beej is livid, his hips moving at a harsher pace causing you to cry out as he slams against your cervix, causing your tummy to flip in protest as it bruises. You had discovered that calling his name three times would send him back, but before you even got a chance he conditioned you to never be able to say his name three times in a row. He was safe, but that didn’t make him less pissed.

“Oh, Y/N. Why do you always have to go ruining our fun?” He pinches at your hips harshly, causing you to yelp. Without his hypnosis, everything seemed to hurt tenfold. “Why can’t you just be a good little cumslut, hmm? You were moaning like a bitch in heat before, why don’t you go back to that?” You stiffen, waiting for the fog to return. When it becomes apparent it wasn’t an order, you try to relax so him bruising ever part of your pussy wouldn’t hurt as much, but instead, you stay stiff.

“You woke me up.” You snark. “Shoulda known it would have ended like this.” He sighs.

“Why don’t you just be Daddy’s good little girl and cum on his dick for him, hmm?” He asks. He really does want you to love him, and the idea of you willingly clenching his dick as you ride out your orgasm? Was intoxicating.

For him. Not for you.

You narrow your eyes and glare up at him. “No.” You barely had time to tell him you’d never cum on his disgusting cock when you see his eyes narrow, flashing red as his hair fades to match the same colour.

“Cum.” Was all that left his mouth.

“N-oooh.” Your body contorts as the heat that was simmering down the moment you woke up suddenly reignites and takes over your body, every cell feeling like it is on fire as your body pours slick all over Beej’s cock, still pounding inside of you. You can barely hold back your sigh of relief when your body starts to tremble with the final aftershocks. Maybe that’s all he wanted. Maybe you can relax now and just wait this ou-

“Cum.” Came his growl above you and you whine as your body repeats the process. It’s hot, too hot. “Cum.” It’s like electricity running through every cell of your body. “Cum.” And it hurts. “Cum.” So. “Cum.” Badly. “Cum.”

You’re screaming by this stage, voice broken and hoarse. Why did it always end like this, why did you always have to egg him on when you know it’ll end with him using his mind control bullshit to his advantage? That’s right. Because you’re an idiot.

You are sure you’re babbling nonsense at this point, trying to get back at him but mind refusing to come up with words as he chuckles darkly. “Don’t worry, little one. Even when you’re not under my influence, I’ll still do the thinking for you.”

You whine in protest as you feel the little grey cells of your brain begin to kick back up, just as you feel his hips begin to fall out of his rhythm, him groaning as he drops your legs to be either side of him. “Where do you want me to cum, Y/N?” He asks, Surely this is a trap. “C’mon babes, I haven’t got long.”

You really don’t want him cumming inside of you, but you’re afraid if you beg for him to pull out he will just empty inside of you out of spite. You had to play the game. “In me.” Your voice is confident that you’re going to win this particular round.

“I knew it, perfect little cumdump even when you’re in your own mind.” He growls before you feel him push into you once. Twice. Your stomach hits the ground when you realise. You’ve made a terrible mistake.

Once more, he grinds against you as you watch his head fall back, a content smile forming on his lips as he spills inside of you.

It’s cold. So, so cold. And it seemed to be never-ending.

You are fuming as you feel him continue to pump his cum inside of you, belly already beginning to swell. It didn’t work. “Why? All I want to know is why you think that I’d want this? Why you think that I deserve this….. this ...” You trail off, not even sure what the word for this was.

“Because I love you, and I know I’m the only one who could ever love you in the way you deserve.” He states as he finishes, pulling out and moving to stand. “Up, on your knees.” You feel yourself growl as your body complies even if your mind is screaming for it to stop as you settle in front of him, the mix of your and his cum starting to pool on the floor as your stomach begins to deflate.

“Love? You call this love? You don’t love me, you want to control me! You don’t even know what love is, and I sure as hell don’t love you!” You snap back, still unable to move from your position at his feet.

“Say that one more time and I’ll make sure you can never walk again.” He threatens lowly.

“You hurt me. On a daily basis. How can you say to me that I love you, that I consensually get off on what you do to m-” You go quiet at the sensation of him holding onto your chin firmly, hair and eyes a vivid red.

“You enjoy what I do to you.” He states. Of course, you do, why would you think otherwise. “Even when you’re not under my control, every touch, every word, every sensation, you enjoy it. It turns you on, it’s like electricity under your skin. No matter the time, or the place, you enjoy what I do to you.”

You feel the fog disappear and you glare up at him. “Let me go now or I’ll- hnnn.” Every thought process stops when he moves to touch your face, it felt like shocks were making your way down to your clit, your pussy clenching in delight. “What did you do to me, you sick bast- AH!” His hand goes to grab at your hair, pulling you up slightly, the shocks intensifying as you rock your hips to try and get some friction on your clit.

“Don’t make me hurt you.” Beej sighs when he sees you whimper when he removes his hand from your hair, remaining silent in an attempt to pacify him as you try to think of a way out. “I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.”

“I don’t think I agree with that trade-off.” You lock eyes with him. “Just, please? Let me go?” You can feel your head getting heavy, brain slowing the longer you stare at him, but you can’t seem to look away from Beetlejuice’s face. “Please, I won’t tell anyone, just let me go.” 

“Please what?” His mocking voice asks you as you feel your head grow heavier and heavier. Still, your eyes stay connected to his.

Your brain wracks for a second before the dopey smile returns to your face, mind returning to that comforting fog. “Please, Daddy? Please tell me how I can make you happy?”

[emilyxvalentyne]

Alcoholic Love CH

A/n: So this is my first ever series so please bare with me. I may not be the best but I’m trying so please leave some positive feed back. Don’t let this flop please.

Disclaimer: This is just some good old classic fiction. I am not involved or do I know anything about the character used in this.

Warnings: not really any in this one but for the (series) there is going to be some of the following: alcohol abuse, drug abuse, cursing, depression, anxiety.

Summary: CalumXgirlfriend theres a rough patch in the relationship Calum has become distant, she slowly turns to drugs and alcohol to numb her pain.

A/n: please don’t let this flop!! Give me some tips on how to better it or if you have any ideas for me.

…………

I woke up to the bed empty this morning, I heard some noise going on downstairs so I assume Calum is still here. I got out of bed and put some socks on trying to avoid the cold floor. I made my way down stairs and into the kitchen. I saw Calum making some coffee. I slowly made my way behind him wrapping my arms around his torso resting my head against his back, he tensed up against my touch but didn't respond to it. I sighed and moved away from him walking over to the fridge, grabbing the butter, jam and orange juice. I set them on the counter next to Calum, who was sitting on a stool drinking his coffee and texting someone on his phone. I turned away from him and stuck some bread in the toaster. Calum seemed to be entertained with his phone to pay me any mind. I leaned my side in to the counter keeping me up on my propped elbow. I stared at Calum trying to read his face. Lately it's just been nothing but him working or going out, this is probably the longest we have been in a room together in about three weeks. He was dressed up as if he was about to head out. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad that he was going out. I've tried talking to him about it but all he says is that he doesn't have time to talk about it or that he was to tired. I felt sad whenever I was alone here in our home, of course I went to work and did some college classes but whenever I got home to an empty house (besides duke) it always depressed me. I was pulled out of my thought when my toast finally popped up. I took out a butter knife and smeared the butter and strawberry jam on the golden squares. I poured some juice into a glass and put everything away. I pulled out the stool next to Calum and sat down. I felt Calum's stare burn into the side of my face as I sat there eating my toast.

'Do you want some of my toast?' I slide my plate over to Calum finally making eye contact with him. His eyes were dark and unreadable, but I could sense he was annoyed. Calum rolled his eyes and got up placing his mug into the sink. I felt as if he was almost annoyed with my very existence.

'No im heading out' I heard Calum mumble as he stared walking towards the living room. I followed I never ask Calum where he went anymore so I could avoid him getting mad but now I was kind skeptical on where exactly he was going. Calum was crouched down petting dukes head.

'Heading out where?' I asked more to myself rather then to him. I could practically see him rolling his eyes. He stood up and glared over at me.

'I'm just going out, God do you need to know where I am like your my mom' Calum was now heading up to our room I was right behind him following him into the closet where he continued to look for shoes.

'I never ask you where you even go anymore because you get mad all the time' I stood there in front of him as he sat on the bed tying his shoes.

'Well then why do you ask its just a waste of my time and yours' Calum was now putting on some cologne. He looked extremely agitated with me but at this point I could care less.

'Because I was wondering what time you would be home so we could hang out you know it's been a while since we-' I was cut off by Calum chuckling he stared at me as if I was stupid.

'Look I really don't have time for all of this right now I have to get going' calum said as he stared walking past me. But I reached forward to grab his wrist.

'Are you seriously to busy to even hang out with me? What has gotten into you, huh? All you do is go to rehearsal and go out with your friends, you seem to never have time for me, your girlfriend anymore' I looked into his dark eyes trying to see anything but all I could see was annoyance.

'Oh my god, fine then be ready by 6' Calum pulled his arm back and walked out of the room. I followed not wanting to give up.

'Are you serious, you are taking me out later?' I said before he walked out the front door. He turned around stood directly in front of me towering over me. I felt as if his eyes were burning into my soul, all I wanted to do was step back but I felt locked into place.

'Yes, I'll be back later' Calum reached forward and and caressed my cheek and leaned in placing a kiss on my forehead. He then turned out the door shutting it closed with a loud thud. I was left in the same position as he left me in. Confused his kiss didn't feel right on my skin anymore almost as if he had forced it. I walked back upstairs and into my room where I then laid on our bed. I glanced over to his side of the bed. It was slightly wrinkled as if he only slept on top of the blankets. I wish he was still here, I wish he would spend the day with me, I wish.... I wish he would love me... no he, does love me maybe he's having a hard time at the studio and rehearsal.

I rolled into my side and looked at my alarm clock it was 12:36 in the afternoon. I sat there deciding whether or not to clean the house. After a long sigh I got up and walked over to the laundry basket that of course had only my clothes in it with Calum's clothes all bunched up on the floor around it. 'For the last time the clothes goes into the basket' I groaned out loud, I put all the dirty laundry in to the basket and made my way down to the laundry room. I started organizing the clothes and washing and folding. It's amazing how much clothes Calum goes through in one week. After about an hour and a half of washing and folding I finally finished and fed duke and washed the dishes. The rest of the house was basically clean since I clean it almost everyday. I sat on the couch finally checking my phone. I responded to a few text and checked the time it was 3:17 I groaned and decided to watch tv. I flipped through the channels while duke laid on my lap.

'You understand me right' I spoke to the little furry dog that laid on my lap. Duke just continued to chew on his bone. 'Why is your owner such an asshole sometimes' this time duke looked up and whimpered almost as if he understood what I said

'But I love him just as much as I love you' I ruffled his fur and kissed his head. I got up finally making my way to take a shower and getting ready to go out with Calum.

I put on a two piece set with some sandals I curled my hair and sprayed myself with Calum’s favorite scent on me. My makeup was done and now it was just a waiting game.

6:30 rolled around at this moment he could just be late. I let duke go out into the backyard I watched him run around then come back inside where he literally stopped to look at me and then he ran back out. I laughed at every little thing he did he really does cheer me up when I’m feeling down. He’s like a best friend but I always wish he could talk that would be cool. I played tug war with him and I always let him win. He made me miss my family and my dog back home.

7:30 rolled around the sun was getting ready to set and there was still no sign of Calum. I knew at this point he wasn’t going to come but a small part of me still had hope. I was mad that I got all ready for him to not even show up but in the end I should have expected this it’s really no shocker. I texted him but it wasn’t the usual ‘hey are you still coming!’ Text. Rather I sent this instead ‘ you could’ve just told me you were busy tonight or not even have told me to get ready for disappointment tonight at all. It probably would have hurt less’. I dragged myself up stairs to change I put on some sweats and a Pink Floyd t-shirt, I slipped my checkers vans on and grabbed my credit card and keys. I decided to just leave my phone I got into my car and went to the local Mexican restaurant I usually go to. I really didn’t want to sit around being sad.

“Well well well welcome back, long time no see” Celia my usual waitress was always to cheerful.

“Yah yah yah I know” I laughed as I took a seat right in front of her as I scanned the menu as if I didn’t know what was on it.

“What will it be hermosa? The usual?” I nodded and handed her the menu.

“Wait Celia can I get it to go and a strawberry margarita to go as well please”

“Of course Emily, I’ll be right back” I scanned the restaurant it was pretty slow for a Friday night usually the place packed with customers.

“Slow tonight because banda MS is in town, how come you’re not there you usually love seeing and going to bailes mija”

“I wasn’t really feeling it tonight I guess” I wasn’t even feeling anything tonight. I didn’t even know my favorite Latin band was in town.

“What’s wrong chula you seem like you have a lot on your mind you know you can tell your momma Celia anything” I really wanted to cry she always made me miss my mom.

“I’m just stressed about school and work that’s all”

“No no I think this something else, do you got boy troubles is it that boyfriend of yours the Australiano” she could always tell what was wrong.

“Yah... he stood me up again I don’t know what to do anymore, god Celia i really love him, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same anymore. It’s like the more I try to talk to him the farther away he gets” tears welted up on my eyes but I held them in.

“Chula you cant force love, sometimes you just have to get up and go. If he is the one for you he will make that clear he will chase after you if he wants you for you because he loves you. And you will see that he wants you because he loves you, you will feel it but if he doesn’t want you then you need to move on and do what is good for you, you have to fall before you can get back up you are young and beautiful and dont forget you are a Latina, nos otras somos fuerte (we are strong) I don’t want to see you all sad next time you come in okay?” I hugged Celia she’s my mom from my home away for home.

“Okay thank you Celia” I paid and tipped her and left I made my way back home to finally eat my Nachos and drink my margarita.

11:30pm rolled by and there was still no sign of him. I always try and try and try. I Put others before myself, and my heart just isn’t ready to let go. I feel as if having this big heart of mine is only a blessing when it becomes an accommodation to other but it’s a curse to my feelings. I put my plates in the sink and my trash in the bin. I switch off the lights and locked up so I can head up to bed.

Another night alone, same bed that made me feel so loved and protected. Now it’s the place where I long for that innocent loving touch

[ddellirrious]

Calypso is no Goddess...

I don't remember how long it has been. Days? Weeks? Months? It wasn't until i woke up in the hospital that i found out i was rescued, afloat a raft in the middle of a wrecked vessel in the ocean. Miles off course from our original destination. I had been missing for almost two weeks and seem to be the only one who survived the wreck. When reporters ask me what happened to them all i can muster is a shaky voice. "...i don’t know"

 That part was true. Though I don’t know what attacked us that night. But i know what it did. And the destruction it caused. We were a crew of thirty chasing an old legend passed down from our families for generations. My mind races on the..thing that took our ship down. The creature had to be at least a couple football fields long. I will never forget the glimpses of it that i saw from the moments when it breached the water. It hit us out of nowhere and seemed to summon a massive storm just before it arrived. It had the body of a long shark, but the torso and head of what i can assume is a mangled human body. Chunks of flesh are missing from the tail and i can see sections of where its just bone. Long, black harpoons jetted out of the beast's back and body some of them older then others. Much. Older. How many years, possibly centuries, worth of hunters has this horrid thing seen. I remember seeing a hood of once again what i can only assume is human flesh stitched and crafted together, it covered the beast's head and stayed on with hooks embedded into the human chest with two holes crudely slashed in the front for this monster to see through. And from what i saw, it look like it was made from more then one human..

I could only watch as this beast tore open the ship like it was nothing and devoured all that it could of my crew. Bodies littered the bloody ocean before sinking into the dark depths below. I tried to scream but i couldn't, every time i tried my lungs would fill with water and i could only cough and sputter before turning my head back up to face it. Those eyes. Those cold, empty dead eyes peering at me through the bloody skin. With each flash of lightning i could just barely make out the shape of its massive head. It stared at me for what felt like an eternity. Why me? Why did it leave me alive yet slaughter the others like cattle? Perhaps as a sick, twisted way to keep this..myth alive? But we were so close! Just what was beyond that ring of water in the horizon? Just out of reach there was a large ring of water pushing everything away. That was our goal. Legend says it's the ocean Goddess Calypso and her island of treasure. It is said to be hidden in an isle surrounded by a circle of waves. We had to go. To find out what was there and if it was real. Once i get let out, i don’t care how, but i am going to find out. The legend not only says a great treasure is in the center. But Calypso herself will grant you one wish. And im going to find it. 

 I didn’t have to wait long for my answer. A few weeks after, when i was checked out of the hospital i got myself a boat and started traveling the same path that my crew took. It takes me hours but i follow old police ships and coast guard boats to the wreckage of our large ship. I carefully use the large broken hull to my advantage and slip past everyone, thankfully, unseen. I try to hold back what tears i can as i see the faces of my fallen friends floating in the now still waters. This monster took its time with them. Some torn apart. Others were in pieces. The ones he didn't devour he left to die by the waves. 

If i am successful then i maybe i can avenge my fallen crew and slay this beast. Maybe i can ask Calypso to bring them back. My mind wonders a bit before i finally see it again. That large ring of water that we were so close to before the storm hit. I pause a moment. Is this the right thing? Should i do this? I grip onto the throttle and shake the doubts and thoughts from my head and rev the boat as fast as she will go to slam against the massive wall of water with great force. The wall proves stronger then i first thought. But i did not come all this way to avenge my friends just to turn around and give up. Pressing down hard on the throttle and with one final push the boat bursts through the wall and to the other side. What i was expecting of a dark, bloody, possible corpse and horror filled waters was actually calm and peaceful. The warm water and the fresh breeze and clear skies, it almost seems like an oasis then the lair of a large man eating beast. 

 I catch a glimpse of a small island and on that island is a small beach hut. Someone lived here? Among the beast? I felt a small nudge as the boat rested up on the beach, as i step off, the sand feels soft and warm against my feet, the water is crystal clear and seems more like fresh water from a pool then the ocean. As i step up more on the sand i catch a glimpse of a man in the hut, while i cant see his face clearly yet, i can see that he is blonde with hints of orange faded into his hair, he has a more tanned appearance to his skin, like he spends his days in the sun most often. And orange swim trunks. There’s a surfboard under his arm and he looks shocked to see me and my boat. Before i can utter a word the water breaks and the beast itself lunges out of the water and lets out an earsplitting roar of anger. I waste no time in getting to the end of my boat and grabbing a large harpoon gun from it inner chamber. This man must not be aware of the beast and he must be a messenger of Calypso. I have to protect him! 

As i raise the gun to the creature, it stares back at me with those same soulless eyes that it gave me on the day it took my friends, my family. A roar of my own escapes my throat and a surge of adrenaline rushes through me to take the killing shot as this fowl beast hovers over me, i aim for the chest and then- 

Twack 

 I feel my vision start to go blurry as blood drips down my face. I whip around to see that the man i was protecting struck me with his surfboard. He looks...angry? Furious even. But...why? Why would he protect this murderous thing?? As my vision darkens i hear him speak. 

 "How did this one get here calypso? Are you ok love?"

Through fading vision i see the creature nod. This...thing is Calypso? It cant be...Calypso is a goddess. A woman of pure and holy being and she will grant whomever finds her a wish. This cant be her! Its...cant.. I let out a gurgle as i feel its massive blood soaked, clawed hand grab me and start to lift me up to its hideous face and it peels back the skin to expose what it looks like underneath. All i can do is cry as a close my eyes. I failed..i failed them all. And now i have to die for it. I feel the beast's hot breath on me as its gaping maw splits open and i can faintly see two rows of razor sharp teeth, ready to devour me, i utter the only thing i can muster...a small prayer and hope that if there is a god that i will be reborn with my friends... 

Calypso is no Goddess... 

 Calypso... 

 Is death...