thatrandomventblog - Tumblr blog

[thatrandomventblog]

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I want to fucking die already

How have I lost so many people??? I can’t fucking breath right but mom sneeds me to be strong and I am trying but god does she make it painful

Why is it when I seriously think of my relatives and get excited to see them they end up dead???? Three fucking times isn’t a coincidence,

[thatrandomventblog]

You are probably doing so much better than you could ever realize. The progress you've made is admirable. And the reason you don't realize this is because you're holding yourself to impossible standards. You deserve the credit for what you've accomplished.

[thatrandomventblog]

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Man do I hate this, moms fucking negative ass comments make me feel sick

“She doesn’t go anywhere anymore” yeah I fucking wonder why

I could rant and rant but we don’t have the energy for that or the energy to just fucking exist right at this point

And I was clean for a little bit and fucking relapsed again

[thatrandomventblog]

[thatrandomventblog]

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I fucking relapsed god I’m a failure

[thatrandomventblog]

It's okay to 'grieve' things that aren't just death. I've allowed myself to grieve a friendship ending, a situationship, losing something important to me, etc. It's okay to give yourself time to process the loss of something. Grief looks different for everyone, try to find a way that works for you to help make it easier for you.

[thatrandomventblog]

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It’s so odd that like. I don’t know how to describe it

We don’t know how to describe it

We feel off

Lyams fronting today, Mattias has been fronting a lot lately

Ash is so so tired and struggling

Apollo won’t really talk or answer much, he won’t front and it makes us worried about xem

We have to socialize which isn’t bad

We love our aunt

We are out to her and safe with her

But we’re worried about friends

We want to be there for them all

But we’re scared and hurting

I don’t know how to help my headmates or anyone else :(

[thatrandomventblog]

i’m so sorry if someone made you think it’s hard to love you

[thatrandomventblog]

Tw talk of suicidal thoughts and sh

Something that my mom told both me and my sister is that when people really want to do suicide they don’t talk with anyone about it. And I guess in her case that’s true, but not all cases? I like to believe that if someone feels that way they should communicate with a close individual, and find help for them. I don’t mean a mental hospital kind of help, I mean a caring hand who will listen to them and guide them. Who will help them understand their feelings and just be there. My second youngest siblings has started saying things like “I wish I was dead” and “everyone hates me I should kill myself” aloud when she is upset over anything. My mom sat her down and told her the same thing she told me and my second oldest sibling. Which again I think is incorrect but I’d like other people’s opinions. When someone is feeling that way, should they actively seek help from someone they know and trust? I know the obvious answer is yes. So here’s another question When they feel this way, can that individual be a family member, a friend, or their partner? I’m tired of being told to bottle it all up, and seeing my siblings grow up the same way I did.So those are my questions for anyone who reads this.

[thatrandomventblog]

Literally what the fuck?

Stalking my blog?

What the literal fuck?

[thatrandomventblog]

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had to disappear for awhile becuse life sucks and i'm losing friends like flies now. idk whether to say their names or not but like. who do i keep? who do i have to leave behind? i'm losing some of the most important people to me and it kind of seems like they don't want me around anymore. it makes me feel weird. cuse like, ik i can be entertaining but i feel like an old toy. thrown out after used and bored of. and it hurts rlly bad because we spent months not talking because a) they mentioned they needed time away and b) i was respecting that. i checked in with them but now idk. i just don't know. ihate this feelng so much.

[thatrandomventblog]

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there's really no point in crying and being upset. it's my own fault, i can see that and so can they. but it's so consistant. i don't leave anymore. i stopped asking to go anywhere at all. i'm even told no/not right now/maybe later to going to a spring but i know it's never going to happen. they've went to the library without me now. i've been asking for months. and just suddenly, like that, they all went, without me, purely because i'm behind in school. she said, i quote, "well, maybe if you were caught up in school you could go." it's the same thing every time. i give up. i can't anymore. i asked for help yesterday, and got ignored. but they wonder why i don't come up to them. they wonder why i hide all the struggling and everything in between. simple, i was taught not to cry over something "stupid", then told repeatedly that whatever i was upset about was stupid. again and again. it's just going to keep spiraling and i'm never getting out of this hell.

[thatrandomventblog]

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having anxiety bcuse mom's giving me my phone back after school

ik i'm too far behind and am so close to getting an f/n on a couple subjcts but im just drained and struggling to care but also

ik i need to keep up, or at least do what i've been doing

the same thing over and over again, just keep it together

i can't cry when i need to and seem to want to cry at the worst times

i don't want to ask for help bcuse i've been gone for so long now why just show up only when i need help? idk i'm trying to get things back together

somethings wrong with cousin and mom wont tell me but i walked inside after walking max to hear her say "teenagers are assholes" like duh ik that and ik she was addressing her dad on the phone and kk but also something tells me its about cousin and whatever happened between them

idk what to make of life anymore and i keep telling myself it will get better but tbh i don't think improvement will be happening anytime soon and i wanna be so so strong for everyone else but it's starting to become noticeable ig sister keeps asking if i'm okay and gets mad when i say i'm fine or act "off" like what do you want me to act like??

keep going from normal talk to "professional" and like. i picked up a dictionary and it's helping me word and string sentances along and idk it's upsetting everyone else but idk how to make it stop either

siste(t) is upsetting me like she isn't bothering to like idk. i'm upset as is and she isn't helping ig. she's just idk it doesn't make sense and it might sound bad? she says she's hopeful she gets a phone before i get mine back but doesn't have an answer as to why. i've managed to be calm about everything but she just seems hellbent on pushing buttons like. she's not minding my personal space and i'm getting rather uncomfortable with the "suggestive" talk and shit just.

idk i don't want to deal with life anymore i'm so tired all the time and i either can't eat or eat too much cant sleep or sleep too much just mmmm

i dont want to burden anyone with my faults and flaws

and ofc sister apparently wants me to get with someone like. can she not stop? no. she cannot. she keeps talking about me having children in her dreams and ik its just dreams but i'm not parent material ik that much and i've never wanted to have kids but also babies are adorable?? like ik i dont want it. but im allowed to say that babies are adorable and i'd be fine with babysitting but never having one as my own like?? idk i dont make sense.

i cant tell if i'm spiralling downwards but this feels like a repeat of 13. functioning based off what ik emotion to feel and reacting how i see necessary/based on context clues and what i "should" feel while i'm either numb or upset. idk tbh just. want it to stop. my head doesnt feel right either. cloudy and like someone pulled the curtains over my windows and now i cant do anything

idk anyways rant of the day!

[thatrandomventblog]

i'm sorry that people are ignoring you :( lmk if i'm ever doing it!!!! please? you can always hsare with me, i might not have advice but i'm always able to listen! /gen

and you don't have to produce ANYTHING hun :( you being you is more than enough, even if other people say anything else! their wrong! and your just. im so sorry people did this to you. that so many have made you feel little in a neg way and that youve been hurt by them.

if you vent in the vent chat tag me or yk the thingie that summons somone and as soon as i see it ill be there! /nf (just a suggestion) and i'll start to try to keep conversations going to! i'll try to be more present on the server

no honey, you're not the issue nor are you a problem! /gen you've done nothing wrong and i've neber just "tolerated" you, okay? i genuinely enjoy talking with you and hanging out as best as we can! /gen (like, not even joking my day gets BETTER anytime i hear from you, anytime something good happens to you, anytime you're happy too! you being you is just. perfection. shhhhhh no argument your stucks with me now)

and i love you so so much /p, you AND your alters <3333333 /p

(sorry i would've done comments but. wont let me.)

Soooooo, I've run into a problem.

I've known this for a while, but i have some alters hanging around, 3 to be exact, and while we don't consider ourselves a system or have a professional diagnosis for any disorder related to potential alters, it does significantly impact my life and I want to feel able to talk and share with others to learn how to cope.

My problem is that people already ignore me for more interesting friends, for those who create things they're interested in. If I don't produce something, I'm invisible, and even when I do it's ignored for others with more talent. All I'm good for is other's amusement.

Even when I ask for help or need comfort, no one responds to my messages. At most, I get a little reaction on discord to my plea, but no help.

I've tried to talk about it before, but I get ignored. Even if it's in the middle of a conversation, I'll mention a struggle I had related to it and then the conversation dies.

Is it me? Am I the issue? Am I a problem? Have i done something wrong? At this point, I just want someone to tell me to leave so I at least know how they feel about me instead of tolerating my presence.

[thatrandomventblog]

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i should have deleted the accoutn FCUK more fucking bullying!!!! yayyyyyy /sarcastic what about me makes them want to hurt me???? probbly me being stupid DUCK scared to delete it but probably going to have to idk how though damnit

[thatrandomventblog]

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feel fake dont feel good wanna throw up now hurts everything cant make it stop cant help them all cant save everyone its catchingup i should have done more i should have been more i should have cared more i should have talked more maybe then i could have found out before they say im see through that they know whats going on with me if they knew id be tied to a chair and stuck in a room forever they keep saying they know do they? mom keeps saying its all normal teenage things maybe it is, and im making a fuss out of nothing yeah probably i just want it to stop

[thatrandomventblog]

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kicking ans crying becuse i cant fix it myself but ive already asked for help once an d dont want to ask again and fucking i cant do it wont fucking verify it even though i have the correct email wont fucking verify AND isnt sending to my email address thing FUCK head hurts and things have been utter shit and i want to vent to them but head wont let me noise and lights hurt wont talk and cant talk but get yelled at??? was stuck in car, lights too bright sounds too loud couldnt talk or show upsetness but was scolded my sister? been happening more lately feeling off too turning 17 soon scared i dont want to means more pressure but slo being older is good means i can get out sooner and gte the others out sooner too having crisis's want to date and cuddle and kiss and be loved on but dont want to go asking people out and feel weird every time someone asks when i will date dont wanna but also wanna? id ont understand tired hurting didnt know coffee creamer had cinnamon in it and had to suffer through it got yelled at for wasting a cup of coffee so tired feeling weak but i dont feel like im doing enough? i know im not doing enough for everyone im a shit friend ik that idk why they stay would hrut if they left but im no good for anyone at all want to cry but voice is saying we're not safe enough to cry should listen to voice one of the few reasons im living rn their so gentle yet so harsh demanding but soft? conciousness maybe? idk mom keeps hounding me about being outside too hw i used to enjoy outside i dont anymore i used to love it ig when you force someone into something they hate repeatedly then they will start desping what they loved heads spinning again wanna hit a wall and cry now not okay but want to be okay? having difficulties breathing sister wont stop asking me when i'll get a bf idk what to tell her anymore maybe fuck off would be a good start nah id get yelled at dont feel right feel weird body isnt right im not right im not here? eerything feels distant like i cant rlly be touched or harmed by it? but ik i can? idk anymore i want it all to stop all of it i wanna fix everything i cant