#and i still hate myself and still feel guilty and still want to [redacted]

[bleepbloopclub]

Why does the shit that makes me cry always happen the evening after I have therapy and not before -_-

Like damn now I gotta wait another week+ before talking about this like fuck I gotta process this all by myself

[wodkapudding]

thank you for the tag @pregnancykink <3

Do you make your bed? i usually just fold up the blanket.

What's your favorite number? 13 (my birthday) and 35.

What is your job? [redacted]

If you could go back to school, would you? not high school. one time, i had a nightmare about having to take a social sciences class in my high school again and my high school diploma and BA being withheld until i would have passed that test. i woke up and had a panic attack, lol.

Can you parallel park? no. i don't have a license, so the best i can do in a car is just sit next to the driver and look clueless!

A job you had that would surprise people? uh. no. i worked at a bookshop which was really cool, but i don't think, that's really surprising.

Do you think aliens are real? i believe that aliens are colonising earth and infiltrated the fbi and therefore indirectly caused the kennedy assassination!* just kidding, i'm an agnostic about things like god or aliens. i genuinely don't know and don't feel scientifically educated enough to give a proper guess. (*that's roughly what i remember from x files, please don't yell at me for misrepresenting the plot, i still have nightmares about the liver eater.)

Can you drive a manual car? no. again, no driving!

What's your guilty pleasure? i genuinely enjoy those sped up tiktok music snippets and i kind of have a thing for cobie smulders in american crime story, which is so wrong and pls don't get me wrong, i hate the person, she portrays. she just looks really hot with the blonde hair!

Tattoos? no.

Favorite color? berry colours, plum, burgundy, golden, black! also, taupe, in this season.

Favorite type of music? very much all over the place and it also depends on the season. in the summertime, i love italo disco and the zombies. early autumn is for joan baez and stevie nicks, early winter is for kate bush and bat for lashes. when i'm in a bad mood, i go either for in flames or "hit the road, jack". in middle school, i was very much into visual kei and death metal, in my late teens, i was into riot grrrls and shoegaze and indie pop. i feel about music genres as some kind of all you can eat buffet.

Do you like puzzles? yes! not necessarily good at them, but i like them.

Any phobias? [redacted]

Favorite childhood sport? i did karate for roughly a decade and i loved playing rugby in high school. (not on a team, just in our regular PE class.) i was also happy when our teacher would make us do cardio because mostly i suck at team sports or anything competetive.

Do you talk to yourself? all the time. if i ever look a little distracted, i likely have an angry discussion with myself in my head.

What movies do you adore? heathers! chungking express! bottle rocket. moonlight. rebecca!!!! rope. strangers on a train. very recently: monster & only the river flows.

Coffee or tea? coffee. i do drink tea every now and then. i'm not very fancy about either, tho. i usually end up buying the cheapest fairtrade stuff i can find.

First thing you wanted to be when you grew up? a painter.

Tagging: @firstaudrina, @esskuesli, @setsailslash, @mpregjohnwinchester & @lalalenii (and just anyone who feels like doing this!)

[autisticempathydaemon]

Alas, I have sent in a very long anon so I apologize ahead of time. But I hope these help with the pairing lol *** What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? Sabrina Carpenter- Espresso. Such a good summer song.

What is your Enneagram type? I think type 6? I don't really understand them that much

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why? Not really? I used to be really into them but I haven't been watching much youtube lately. Attention span go brrr. Someone would have to sit with me for me to be able to concentrate.

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend. Didn't have one as far as I remember. But I attempted cause I thought it was the normal thing to do.

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? Shutting my eyes and maladaptive daydreaming to sleep.

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?) I quite like my real name. I feel it suits me surprisingly well so I wouldn't change my name. Maybe add a middle name though.

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? Oh boy, hm. I think my favorite would have to be Hush at the moment, but I also really enjoy Elliott's videos.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) I think they all have their merits honestly. If he were still present, I would say Marcus cause he always weirded me out a bit, but if I had to pick a current one? I'd say caller dude. I don't understand but I respect game lol

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to. The Untamed. I watched it so many times it's ridiculous. I also read Manhwas/Manga a lot so there are many of those I know like the back of my hand.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? Hmmmm. I think I would love to be friends with David and Asher. They seem like a riot together. I only don't add Milo here because he makes me blush so I'd fold for him too easily.

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

PFFFT. I do. Music and stories I want to write but can't find the right medium to get it done. Real-life people know I never speak about my creative stuff but don't know about my online life as far as I know, so it's comical to them to hear how many stories are up in my brain at once.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

Pass, I don't drive and rarely go to gas stations. But I'd say if I had to, the places I go often have great slushies/slurpees

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. 

Random on my phone or spotify because I can't be bothered to find actual playlists 😅

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

Romance novels/manhwa/mangas. God I love seeing people love each other, especially if it starts off bumpy. But if it ever happened in real life I'd be so confused and not know what to do lol. Also, I would probably turn as red as an apple if someone found out about it without me telling them.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are!

I indulge in a lot of creative stuff, but I am also slightly sickly so my patience with myself is less than I would give other people in the same position as me. I'm attempting to remedy that but it's difficult to give grace to yourself sometimes (ˉ▽ˉ；)...

The way you describe yourself as easily flustered and blush-y makes me want to pair you with someone who’ll push those buttons, I’ve got to admit- Vincent, specifically.

I like his flirty, Edward Cullen-esque facade and the dorkier, tenderer interior for you, you know what I mean? Like, he’d flirt and poke fun and smolder as he does, but I think he’d have a good sense of when to stop, when you’ve had too much. I also like him for you as Type Six, the enneagram that desires security, reliability, someone steadfast. Vincent, that blessed simp of a man, is an emotionally dependable, loyal lover on top of being a sap and romantic which works well since you also strike me as a romantic.

Your life together is very fun- as fun as constant, light teasing from Vincent can be. He loves a lot of the same things you do, like manga and danmei. (My Vincent is Chinese, as is William, so he’s especially attached to danmei and historical dramas.) He loves peeking over your shoulders, reading the dialogue in a smooth, smoldering voice and then kissing your cheeks when he makes them glow. He’s a little stinker that way, but Vincent definitely knows to be more genuine and sincere when you share your creative work with him. He’s incredibly supportive, buying you whatever tools and/or instruments you might need until you find the medium you like best.

Song:

The hungry heart, the roving eye/ Have come to rest, do not apply/ The frantic chase, the crazy ride/ The thrill has gone, I step aside/ And I'd believe in anything were it not for you/ Showing me by just existing only this is true/ I love you, I love you without question, I love you

As an 80’s kid, Elton John (and the Road to El Dorado soundtrack as well) feel like a good pick for him, you know? Very classic, timely, nostalgic. I like it for y’all specifically because of the vibes, because it reminds me of this lover that lived this crazy existence, lived hard and fast without knowing what it was all for, until they met the person who it was all for, until Vincent met you.

Runner-ups:

In that same vein of thought, Gavin is a strong, cute contender though I don’t think he would have quite as much of a grasp on your comfort levels and moods like Vincent would. In the opposite vein, the other arm if you will, I like Morgan for you. He’d be a good match for a Type Six, and his vibes just suit you; it’s hard to explain why.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[ejunkiet]

your sweet werewolf boyfriend leaves you a voicemail

redacted asmr: asher/babe, rated G for Goodness

I've been travelling for nearly 12 hours and I just needed some fluff okay hehehe. See early days asher/babe!

READ ON AO3

--

[CALLER: Ash (LLAP 🖖). MESSAGE LEFT ON FRIDAY AUGUST 5TH AT 12.30PM]

Baaaabe! It's me, your uh- Asher. Boyfriend. You know. Shit, I'm still really bad at calls like this. It's just so awkward . Or maybe I'm just. Awkward. 

God, it's like I never know when to shut up sometimes, huh?

Anyway. I'm calling to check in. You should be on your lunch break now, if everything went well, which - I have no doubt it did. I'm sure you aced that big presentation. The hard part's over, and now you can just enjoy yourself. Mingle with the other big executive folks. Get your name out there.

I'm proud of you, babe. You're incredible. I know I say it a lot, but I mean it. Smart, talented, and so fucking sexy - yes, I'm saying it, hope you're not listening to this on speaker, and if you are, well, your mistake. But honestly. I don't know how a guy like me got this lucky. 

I miss you. The apartment is not the same without you. David is getting sick of all my house calls, and I swear Milo's blocked my number. I'm socially deprived and woefully understimulated. Bet you're looking forward to THAT when you get back home. 

Only the best for my babe.

(That reminds me, I may have beaten all the high scores on our switch games. Hate to break it to ya, but you're talking to the new reigning champ of Tetris, babe. Yep, I finally did it. Heheh.)

But back on point - I wanted to assure you that despite David's complete lack of faith in me, the house is still standing. It's even clean! Don't roll your eyes at me - I can tell you're doing it, even through the phone. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I've done laundry! And dishes! Granted, there weren't THAT many dishes, considering the amount of takeout I've eaten - but hey! That's what a shifter's metabolism is for.

…I know I'm not the best sometimes with life stuff. Like, making awkward phone calls, answering the door… not causing house fires due to improper use of the stove… and I know I like to lean on you to do some of those things for me. So, I want you to know that I'm getting better at it. I'm taking lessons, with the grumpiest, most put-upon teacher ever (yes, I'm talking about David).

I like it when you take care of me. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. But I want to be able to take care of you too. Properly.

I love you, babe. So fucking much. And I want to show that to you, every day, for the rest of our lives.

Anyway. I just wanted to call. I miss you. I miss your smile. The way you laugh at all of my stupid jokes. The way you feel in my arms, as if you were made to fit in them, as if we're two pieces of a whole.

So come back to me soon, so I can wrap you up in them again, and smooch your face off.

Talk to you soon.

[BEEP]

[lottiecrabie]

hi! I (and I know I speak for more people here) would care a lot if you "disappeared". of course you're allowed to do it if it means you're protecting your mental health - I encourage you to do it if that's the case. what I'm trying to say is that we really like having you here and we love your writing but that's not the only thing we love about you. you're really one of my favourite people here even when you're not posting any works. I guess my point is that I hope you don't feel that we only want you here because of your writing. no. and I'm saying this because I'm definitely guilty of perhaps putting too much pressure on you and I'm sorry for that. from the bottom of my heart. at the end of the day, do what's best for you. I just want to let you know that if you're struggling (which is totally valid and it's not because you know that you're good at it that you shouldn't feel allowed to struggle and feel overwhelmed. and no it doesn't sound like you want pity or attention. to me it sounded like one of my girls was struggling and I'm sorry it took me so long to send something. I've been wondering if I should do it because I don't want to overstep a boundary and make you uncomfortable) and if for whatever reason you need to take a break from writing, we'll totally support you and I speak for myself when I say that I won't ask for another part of anything because I would hate to think that our constant pressure may have directly/indirectly affected you in some way. you are genuinely one of the funniest and sweetest people here - I hope you know that and I hope you know that there's more to you than your brilliant writing and we all see that and we would like you the same if you decided you don't feel like writing fanfictions anymore. you deserve the support. I once told you you'll be a fantastic writer one day and I still you'll be (unless you decide to do something else) and we will be here celebrating the success of our tumblr bestie ❤️ I'm thinking of you, I'm sending you love and I'm hoping things will get better for you soon (I'm sorry if this was weird or creepy)

this was not weird or creepy at all!! this was so adorable and lovely to receive i’ve read it over and over. it was really nice to hear that people like my blog outside of my writing— i hadn’t ever considered it bc i’m rly not the most active unless i post something. like genuinely very touching:((

i don’t feel too pressured to write (and sometimes i actually need to be reminded other people want this cus i’m like eh it exists in my mind anyway lol) so don’t feel guilty! i am just in a weird phase where i don’t like any of what i write and i am also very overwhelmed with other things

i know i’ll at least finish pfms bc i like to complete things (except when i don’t complete things hey [redacted] fic i haven’t touched in a year). normally my weird writing moods go and i get motivated again but i’ll see after how i’m enjoying it and how much time i have for it lol

[goldensunset]

literally every friend i’ve ever met whether irl or on here: you can always talk to me about anything! please let me know if you’re hurting!

me: thanks, i love you! *continues to silently die inside and hide mental breakdown of the week number 3*

[seyvetch]

I will never forgive current government for destroying all my dreams for better Russia I doubt anyone will forget this war in the next 50 years

I still dont even get why it happened. The political and economic drawbacks which are obviously would happen concidering all the sanctions Russia got before the war for doing less in Ukraine are much more than any gain I can imagine. Brainwashing and lying to your population and especially the army they are sending to kill and die about why youre doing this especially makes this shitty. So many people believed trully that they were going to help people of Ukraine or something along those lines or didnt even know they were going to war. This is sick. So many people were killed who wanted to protect their home by people who blieved they were liberating them... For what?? A bit of land? To make our enemies fear us again? They made so many people die only to make their own sitizens suffer as well.

I thought about suicide more times since the war started than in total in last year or so before it bc I was so fearful that I might be drafted which fun fact I can be during war even tho Im technically not viable due to my mental state being a wreck and also being so depressed about this situation. First came economic sanctions then I realised just how much itll affect every citizen when such mondane things as microtransactions in Warframe - a game which I was relying on for like half a year to keep myself sane were not working since almost every way of payment wasnt working in Russia. I realised just how much of an impact to the Russian economy it was. Then almost a full out fucking war came on Russian culture and history (much of which is shared by other slavic nations btw) came. Ive been trying to share it for years bc of how good and underapriciated it was and then bc of actions of current government shit like redacting the name of THE FIRST MAN IN SPACE came. Then Warframe's developer company Digital Extremes or DE for short decided themselves that players from Russia and Belarus wont be able to do microtransactions. I cant convey how devistated I was from a thing that any other "normal" person would just be annoyed at. This game was almost all I was thinking about for months, it helped me not to go too insane or depressed for about half a year as I mentioned earlier, I was dependant on it to be happy at the time. I felt like I was stabbed in my back. I spent most of my savings on this game which wasnt a lot but still. And then at my lowest point at the time, already crushed by the current situation a punshiment for a crime someone else commited, a crime I was against and had no choice in came on me and many other faithful players in my shoes. It just kinda broke me. To my brain by doing something like this it was almost like saying I am responsible afterall punishment should ony come to guily. It didnt help that many people in the games community suppported this decision. I felt like I was going insane like the world was crumbling around me. And I couldnt even bring myself to play a game I relied on for moral support for so long.

Well this is the situation from my point of view. I wish that I was in the worst situation that came out of this shitshow bc I cant bring myself to imagine anyone dealing with something worse. And people do have it worse than me bc of what my government did. I wish I could strangle every single one of people who approved of this in the government myself. But even if I did that the situation wouldnt change. Even if I do feel guilty for feeling bad and venting about this in this situation I hate people who told me to "put things into perspective" bc my suffering was less than sufffering of others. An analogy comes to mind when people say that. A person is strapped to a seat in the back of a car and cant escape, the driver of the car is speeding up to ram into another car despite your protests. The driver than rams into another car killing and injuring people inside while you get less injured bc you were in the backseat. Does that mean that you should be prosecuted for murder as well just for being in the cat that was rammed intentionally into anther car causing death? Or that your injuries shouldnt be treated on the same principle and bc other people have it worse?

I recognise the nessecety of some of the actions but I am outraged just how far people are taking it in "protest of Russia's current actions". Whyd my german friend's bike tires were slashed several times just because he was born in Russia even if he moved to Germany long before he turned 18? Why are exhibits in museums that are Russian are being rid off? Why was the name of Юрий Гагарин, the first human in space was redacted in official documents during some large confirence??? Even thought he died long before Putin became president.

I feel a bit better after venting thanks for reading if you did read it.

[multiplefandomsblog]

[Identity V] Domestic!VAL x Gn!Reader (HCs)

request; I’ve been having a rough day, so may I request a poly VAL (Victor, Andrew, and Luca) x Reader? Maybe some domestic headcanons?

warnings!: sfw, very fluff, reader uses gender neutral pronouns, polyamorous relationship, domestic, mentions of burning down a kitchen, robots gone rogue, nearly getting hit by a bus, comedic violence, cuddling, mentions of DILFs, irresponsability, slight neglecting, you all suck at cooking except for [redacted]- no spoilers!!

【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】

⭒ You would all live in a little apartment because Victor thought it was cute( and you all have no right to deny his adorable little butt )— despite it being way too cramped and messy for 4 people to live in, you all somehow made it work.

⭒ Victor would force everyone to have movie night. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

⭒ Everyone has to take turns walking Wick by Victor’s orders, but Andrew gets the occasional free pass because he gets real bad anxiety every time he passes by one of your neighbours as he walks Wick.

⭒ “Oh god, do i look at them in the eye? Do I even look at them? What if I look at the wrong spot? If I look at them, will they think it’s creepy? But what if they try to wave at me? What if-!?”

⭒ You get it.

⭒ Luca often spoils Wick, and/or overfeeds him when Victor isn’t around to scold him for it. For that, Wick has literally no shame when he pesters Luca for what he wants, because he knows he’ll get it.

⭒ Everyone would rush to you when you say you’re going out for a walk, longing for alone time with you. They’d all play a game/fight to see who gets to walk with you, but they all end up losing because you’re already out the door.

⭒ Out of the three, Luca would be the most jealous/protective one out of the relationship. He’s just a teensy bit insecure, mixed with the fear of you all hating him because he can’t remember anything, and he’s no good for you, and-

⭒ That being said, Luca doesn’t get jealous when you three spend time together without him; he’s usually pretty busy, so he doesn’t get much time with you all in the first place. It reassures him and makes him feel less guilty for diving into his work and neglecting you all sometimes.

⭒ Honestly, it makes him really happy to see you all together. But if you take a group photo without him; silent treatment for 1 month. 

⭒ Victor or Andrew are always the ones to end fights/debates, Luca being the one that starts them.

☆ “... What do batteries run on?” “Probably you.”

☆ “Do one legged ducks swim in circles?” “...” “Hold on-” *metallic rummaging in the bg* 

☆ “If I eat myself, will I get twice as big, or disappear completely?-” Fed up with his bullshit, Victor would all of a sudden start signing aggressively, “NOW LISTEN HERE YOU PIECE OF SH-” It almost looked as if Victor was using his hands to ready up a running punch.

... Wait-

“ViCtOr PLEASE!” 

⭒ Victor would steal everyone’s hoodies, and obviously, it’s always adorably oversized on him, ugh- ❤️

⭒ You guys tend to share all your clothes. None of you have your own clothes, if it fits anyone else, they’re wearing it too. 

⭒ The laundry would get mixed up anyway.

⭒ Andrew always picks up everyone else’s leftover trash or laundry, taking on the role of the responsible mom in the relationship. He’s actually pretty bad at taking care of himself, but that eventually gets easier when he has you three to take care of too. 

⭒ Everyone collectively knows sign language to understand Victor because he’s mute.

⭒ Your house would have 2 queen-sized beds because of how small your house is. Two people would share a bed each; you often rotate with who sleeps with whom. Luca stays in his room though, he won’t rotate so you three are going to have to take turns with who sleeps with him. 

⭒ Honestly, no one will admit this, but Luca is probably the warmest and most pleasant one to sleep with. He’s like a walking space heater; his hands are always so warm, and he always cuddles with them roaming everywhere. That being said, he does twitch and tic when he’s still awake in bed; so you’re going to have to wait for him to sleep first if you don’t want to accidentally get hit.

⭒ Andrew is the coldest to sleep with, and insists on being little spoon. Not verbally; but if you ask him to be big spoon, he’ll stop and stare at you, as if communicating, “You think I can big spoon? Who do you think I am?” He’ll try at first, because he loves all of you— but you’re going to wake up with him as little spoon.

⭒ Victor doesn’t really cuddle when he sleeps. I think he’ll probably just have one of his hands touching his partner, or just clutching at the material of their clothing— but other than that, he just sleeps normally. 

⭒ Andrew and Victor are usually the ones to go shopping for groceries, Luca can’t be trusted with buying things and needs supervision if left at home. 

⭒ There had been too many times when he used the trolley(full of groceries, mind you) as a vehicle, and almost got himself, as well as many others hurt. He claims he, “Didn’t see the huge bus coming at him,” and, “Didn’t hear the loud shrieking for him to stop, as well as the honking and beaming.”

⭒ When cuddling all together, Andrew would actually be the big spoon, Victor would be the spoon in the very middle (Wick would be the littlest spoon if he decides to join in) and you and Luca would be hold him like that. 

⭒ Andrew is mainly the head of the apartment, Victor is second and command; and together, they’re unstoppable.

⭒ Different parts of the house is separated for different stuff.

⭒ Luca would reserve a small working corner for him to focus on his inventions and machines.

⭒ Another corner for Victor to write letters and Wick’s stuff, a corner for your hobbies and a corner for Andrew’s shovels and dead bodies.

⭒ Everybody takes turns to prepare dinner.

⭒ Luca usually just gets take-out if he’s in charge of food; he doesn’t know how to cook, and that’s probably for the better.

⭒ However, there had been a time when he tried to construct a machine that could cook by itself.

☆ It worked at first; everything was fine and dandy, you were all proud of him.

... Until it went rogue.

Let’s just say you all had to move the next day.

⭒ Victor would probably be decent at cooking, though there tended to be a few things are burnt or undercooked, otherwise not too shabby.

⭒ Victor would also make sure to include a dessert. It’s usually store bought but he does try baking if he has the time.

⭒ If you guys were good buddies with your neighbours, Victor would mail little box cakes to them with a small letter.

⭒ Believe it or not, Andrew would be the best cook out of everyone. 

⭒ He started out rusty, but it soon became a hobby after watching countless chef videos. Team Jamie Oliver, screw Gordon Ramsay. I mean, working as a grave-keeper, there has to be something else you do to keep your humanity. 

⭒ Andrew has a fly swatter specifically bought and used for swatting Luca when he tries to steal some food while Andrew is still cooking.

⭒ Everyone’s mouth waters when he starts to bring the food to the dinner table.

⭒ Andrew gets praised every time he makes dinner, and he nearly passes out on the spot. 

⭒ Everybody clap for DILF Andrew—

[goosegoblin]

Food talk, eating habits cw: Hey Jess, I’ve been vegetarian for 3+ years and I just came to the realization that I think I’ve been using my vegetarianism to further my disordered eating. More restrictions = more control = suffering but I feel like I deserve it? It’s fucked up. I’ve started to eat a little bit of chicken and shrimp lately (like a couple times a week) and I honestly feel a lot better but a part of me wants to cling to being vegetarian. I think it was one of my coping mechanisms during the last couple of years when my mental health extremely declined and my anxiety+depression got horrible, but I can now see that it actually made everything worse. I still feel really guilty eating meat even though I’ve started to enjoy it again, and I think renouncing my vegetarianism will be a shock to everyone in my life because 99% of them are heavy meat eaters and this became part of my personality unintentionally. I’m sorry if this is rambly or seems like a dumb problem.

I somehow missed this and I'm so sorry, OP.

So this is super super super common! Super common. I don't think I know any recovered anorexics/ ED ppl who didn't go through a veggie or vegan phase. I was vegetarian for years! The common explanation given is that it's a convenient way to cut more foods out, but I think that's a bit cynical. I think it's a lot more likely that when you have an ED, you just... genuinely don't think you deserve to eat. Eating anything feels like saying "I feel like I deserve to eat these things", and doing that with something as ethically charged as meat and animal products is extra terrifying and wrong and gut-wrenching, and you just want to be Good and Do Good and so you cut them out because fuck, at least that's something you can do right, how dare you think you deserve to eat more than animals deserve to live when you barely even deserve to breathe-

I actually went back through my Facebook Messenger because I have a really clear memory of messaging an old friend of mine when I entered recovery. This friend was massively important in identifying my ED in the first place, and was also a very, very strongly committed vegan. I was in the exact same place you are now, and I was terrified. Here is a segment, all the way from 2014, with the only changes being names redacted (and an irrelevant bit removed):

'So I'm in recovery from my ED (doing pretty well, if I say so myself!), and as a part of that, I've started eating fish and meat again. That's because I found it near-impossible to discern whether the reasons I had dropped them from my diet were ethical or disordered. [...] The thing is, though, that I feel so guilty and like I am failing. I often think back to you and [name] and [name], and that you would hate me/ judge me immensely if you knew what I was doing (and I can't blame you).'

so like. just to clarify. this problem does not seem dumb because i have had this exact problem lmao

anyway, her reply- and again, this was from a girl who had been vegan since she was thirteen and had been very clear on what that meant to her- included this:

'Jess, of course your health comes first, and I think [name] and I would both be prouder of you for wanting to get better than we ever would you wanting to be veggie. You are being really awesome, and I hope you keep going strong! So if you ever feel down about eating, know that there would be absolutely no ethical judgement from any of us- there couldn't be.'

She was right, you know.

It's okay. You are okay.

Go and eat some chicken, my friend. It's all going to be okay.

xxxxxxxx

[stablersolivia]

Elliot/Olivia Rant About Last Night's Crossover (Sort of)

So, much like everyone else.... I have some thoughts on last night's SVU/OC crossover. Mainly... yes, the Elliot/Angela [redacted].

While I do want Elliot and Olivia together (soon), I do get why he [redacted] Angela. She's a manipulator. A lot of fans (including myself) have been suspicious of her from almost the very beginning.

Her son Rafiq's death is her only connection to Elliot on an emotional level since he's grieving his wife's death as well. So, with that being said, there's a deeper connection between it all IF she ends up being guilty as accused. We see her in jail in the next episode promo, so that leads us to believe she's been arrested. There's more to it, I'm sure.

But, to continue, I get it. I get why Elliot connected with her. He's grieving not only the loss of his wife, he's also grieving the loss of what he once had with his family (notably his Son Eli moved out so now he's alone) and the loss of his connection and partnership with Olivia. She is so close yet so far away and not only is it grief and mourning but also, guilt for leaving. (I just wish they would explain more of why he left and didn't show up during her darkest hours).

Then this woman comes up, Angela, with all these relatable feelings he's having. Obviously, before Isaac Bekher tells him it was her, Elliot doesn't suspect her of anything. He thinks she's the only one he can relate to in that moment. He thinks she's a victim in all this too due to what happened to her son because of what seems like his connection to her ex-husband's (Richard Wheatley) "business."

I genuinely feel that Elliot [redacted] Angela is what he 'thinks' is a connection that, in a way, will protect HIMSELF from doing something with Olivia that he'll regret because he's not in his sound mind.

Remember, toward the beginning of the SVU ep, Olivia tells him people (she doesn't name) are telling her to stay away from him? He looked hurt that she'd tell him that, and or that someone is telling her to stay away from him. She's all he has in reality and maybe he does recognize that eventually. It already seems he feels she doesn't want him in her personal life as of yet (he's yet to meet her son) so he probably feels like he can't talk to her like that quite yet.

He knows he left her, he knows he's hurt her so why go to her in his most vulnerable, insecure, reckless moments and hurt her even more? He may feel like he's connected to Angela through shared trauma but he has nothing to lose with her whereas, he'd lose what he has left in Olivia which is hanging by a thread as is.

While I do believe Elliot and Olivia are slowly rebuilding that trust, having brief moments of honesty, it's nowhere near where they need to be for him to make a move like that with Olivia. It would kill them both if it was the wrong time.

Now my favorite parts of last nights crossover?

First of all, loved the parking garage scene which seems to have replaced the diner scene from what I saw other SVU aficionados state.

I feel the hurt in him when she discloses that there are people warning her about him. But loved the moment he asked if they were ok and she goes, "I hope so." Burned parallel. Gotta love it.

I also loved the way he protected her in the shooting.

On OC, it's like night and day. While they had some tension at the beginning, the whole hallway scene at the OC precinct was so ... Season 12 EO. The way they looked at each other, the way they said Uncle K in sync, the way he pulled the chair out for her, and the way she grabbed his hand and he held on for a split second longer.

I feel like it was a bit of regret on Elliot's part, it was right after - you know. But I feel like he's realizing what he didn't before. He's connected to Olivia more than he'd realized through shared trauma as well. She gets what he is going through and he didn't see that before going to Angela multiple times.

What I didn't like?

Hated the way they had him initially react to Simon's death. "I'm sorry to hear that," is not good enough and I lay that purely on SVU's shoulders because they seem to not want anything to do with Elliot and it shows and it's... quite frankly petty.

He is much more tender and sincere when he and Olivia were talking in the hallway on OC.

I was also a little confused by the Bell comment. She said "Captain Benson means a lot to you, " and in the same scene says to move on. It wasn't clear at first and I feel like... I do now think she meant to move on from Kathy's case, but at first it sounded like she meant that she knows Olivia well enough to know he should move on from her because he'd hurt. Which, you know is probably why he went to Angela again. I don't know, it was confusing. I get it, but it's confusing.

And one last thing I don't like, is that they can't seem to get EO to just have one honest, bare to soul conversation. It's always deflected by the case or Olivia asking about any developments on Kathy's case which she also tells him to step back from so he can help himself heal.

Overall

I do genuinely feel like they're setting up EO, which I'm happy about. I just want them on the same page and on solid ground. They're trying to cram everything regarding Elliot's healing into eight episodes, I get that, but I feel like it'll all tie in better when Olivia's POV is more apparent and when they actually talk about the last ten years. I hope when Season 2 is picked up, they delve more into Elliot making up the lost time in the right way with Olivia. Including major explaining and groveling. Also, hope before Season's end, we get some sort of answers to that letter. I still feel like what he said in it, is why Olivia hasn't given up. He's said something we need to hear that she has already thus why she's just... there for him. I also wonder if Angela's seeming involvement in Kathy's death will allow Richard (Dylan Mcdermott) to stay on past season 1. Seems like a big name to only sign on for eight eps.

Guess we'll find out.

I'm just trying to believe Chris and Mariska when they say it'll take time to rebuild their relationship. I just have to believe it'll be something great when they get there.

[beck-a-leck]

Fanfic Writer 20 Questions

Tagged by @thychesters Thanks Kate!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

56 on my main page, plus 5 others that are secret (aka Anonymous and don't show up in the count)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

772,412

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

~10, I have a lot of sub-fandoms as part of a larger fandom. Including but not limited to: Star Wars, Story of Seasons/Harvest Moon, Rune Factory, MCU, and many moons ago Voltron, Transformers, and Harry Potter.

4. What are your top 5 fics by Kudos?

[Redacted Anonymous fic] at 1218

Aggressive Negotiations at 312

Wells of Silence at 287

[Redacted Anonymous fic] at 280

Weekend Guests at 209

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! Or at the very least, I try to respond to as many comments as I can. I love being able to strike up conversation with my readers, and wallow in angst with them for a while. At the very least, I like letting them know I appreciate their feedback.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hmmm... that's probably the fic where I gave Anakin Skywalker an almost happy ending; twins, husband, you know the drill. And then I violently took pretty much all of that away. Killed Obi-Wan, killed the twins, left her with a heaping pile of survivor's guilt. That's probably my angiestiest fic.

But also, I write rather a lot of angst, so...

There's also the one where I gave a child 23 older sisters, and then had them slowly and painfully die off, leaving her alone as the sole survivor. (Star Wars)

And there's the one where I detailed how an 8 year old accidentally killed his brother, thus screwing up everything so badly, the whole timeline had to be erased. (Loki)

And, well, Wells of Silence IS a canon compliant AU. And we all know how Revenge of the Sith ends.

Writing angst is fun okay!

7. Do you write crossovers?

Not really, no. Usually only when I'm messing around and being goofy, or if I'm combining a lot of sub-fandoms from a larger fandom group. But I don't really count those as true crossovers.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nothing specific comes to mind. I'm pretty sure years ago (and I mean like well over a decade at this point) I got trolled/hate on a fic by someone who was out to attack me specifically. I remember deleting the fic, and beginning to distance myself from the fandom. but obviously it didn't stop me from writing so... jokes on them. 😂

Otherwise, more recently I can only think of instances where people have used my fic comments as an excuse to vent about canon things they hate thinking they'll find a sympathetic ear, or got 5+ chapters into a long fic before saying 'it feels unrealistic that this character would do these things' to which I'm pretty sure I just shrug and don't respond.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I don't really write fanfic smut, no. It's not really my thing, and I'm happy cutting things off at an M/PG-13 rating for sexy times.

That being said, I have written non-fanfic smut before. No I'll never share it. It is well and truly laughably terrible.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

To my knowledge, no I haven't.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Many, many, many years ago @jessi-08 and I co-wrote and absolute crack fic for Jak and Daxter. It was deliriously fun times. But in a more ""serious"" capacity, no I have not.

13. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Nobody? I guess?? I'm not much of a shipper, really. I enjoy reading and writing ship-content, but I've never really felt devoted to any single ship in any fandom. I'm a multi-shipper? Omni-shipper? Basically, if the fandom can bring its A-game to a ship, I'll probably quite enjoy it.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I mean, there are a couple dozen unfinished WIPs in my writing folder that I keep around with the intention of maybe finishing them, but deep down I never will. But also, none of those are posted.

Thinking of where I am and how my fandom interests have shifted, I'm probably never gonna finish Weekend Guests. And I stubbornly refuse to admit that Dust and Ashes is dead, but also, I haven't touched it in years, and kinda forgot what I wanted to include in the story. 😬

15. What are your writing strengths?

Oh gosh... (what is this question? I can't say nice things about myself)

I guess I would say my scene setting. I love spelling out descriptions and providing the sensory experience when I can in the scenery. Otherwise, probably my ability to sink my angst claws into people and hurt their feelings with words about fictional characters while I torture them worse than canon does (usually)

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sticking to a goddamn regular posting schedule. I try not to get too wrapped up in writing regularly, so as to not punish myself for doing (or not doing) something that's supposed to be fun and relaxing for me. but damn I look at those WIPs that haven't been updated in months and I can't help but feel guilty.

Also, tied in with the above, starting too many projects before finishing up something else.

Also action scenes. and romance.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

It can work, I think, if it's done well. But usually, it's not done well, and it just feels clunky or tossed in for "spice." But like... pet names/nicknames in a native tongue, I am so weak for those! And it can also be a fun way to drop hints/foreshadowing, but as a bonus for the people who speak the language.

Idk, I'm not fluent enough in any language to feel like I have any definitive voice in the matter. I typically don't add other language dialogue because I don't trust google translate.

And if I'm writing for Star Wars, and it's an alien language anyways, I'm not digging that deep into the lore to construct a fictional language. That shit gets Universally Translated babey!

18. What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Jak and Daxter my beloved! I'll never let you go! Every five years or so, I'll spit out a new fic for you 💜

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh no! I can't pick favorites! Don't do this to me!

Wells of Silence still sits up in my top 5, for a number of reasons.

Another of my tops is actually one of my Anonymously posted fics, so I will not mention name or fandom, but it is very beloved.

And they've been on the forefront of my mind, so I've got a soft spot for Earth and Rebirth and Our Dear Empress

20. Who do you tag?

Hmmm, let's see. @durotoswrites, @jake-marshall, @lookforaspoopynewangle (I know kate tagged you, but consider yourself double tagged), @jessi-08, and... I have all of a sudden gone completely blank on which of my mutuals writes fic 😂😬 (i only slept for 3 hours last night. leave me alone. my brain is swiss cheese.)

As always, if you want to play along, you are more than welcome to say I tagged you!

[autisticempathydaemon]

Ohmygod I love matchups

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

Too sweet by Hozier ofc ofcm I looove Hozier and the way he sings about relationships 😭 Im like not fixated on a specific lyric, I'm fixated on the wedding bells in the background of the chorus

What is your Enneagram type?

Okay it has been a FUCKTON of time since I looked at that stuff but iirc it was 2? Me being an infp is literally the only thing I can consistently remember bc ADHD brain

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

YESS I listen to them whenever I'm playing Sims or working on something. Any of Jenny Nicholson or Li Speaks’ videos are common for that Nostalgic Essay Stuff. SPECIFICALLY Jenny Nicholson’s jeff the killer fanfiction book video because I OWNED THAT BOOK. I WROTE CREEPYPASTA FANFICTION AND I OWNED THAT BOOK

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

I did not have one and I pretended to because everyone else did and I felt weird for not having one

What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

Imagining being loved and cared for 😭 or whumpy fanfiction scenarios no in-between. But they usually overlap

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

I named myself after a character cause I relate ofc but I also named myself echo because it was another birth name in consideration for me and it feels like… whimsical

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

ITS STILL “FLIRTY VAMPIRE LOSES CONTROL” BECAUSE IM OBSESSED WITH SCENES WHERE THE HUMAN PARTNER OF A “MONSTER” CHARACTER IS DIRECTLY CONFRONTED WITH THEIR MONSTROUS TRAITS AND LOVES THEM ANYWAY.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

Gavin </3 I am simply not a sexual person and it puts me off a bit lol

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

This spectacular show called dramaworld about a girl whos obsessed with kdramas and gets sucked into the world of them, but not in a “the events are real” way, in a “the entire world is a setup for the same characters to go through various plots, forgetting and falling in love over and over again” and it's hilarious and it's such a comfort show even though I can't watch it anywhere anymore I don't think. The main romance is top tier. It's so funny. And the stakes and plot twists are actually pretty good

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

Probably Sam? I want him to be my dad. I have issues.

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

Apparently when I'm half asleep I start talking about horses? But when I'm still conscious, I mostly talk about like. Vampires mostly.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

doritos dinamita and mountain dew yes I am basic

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.

I don't have favorite playlists so much as I play 4-6 songs over and over on repeat until I'm sick of them. Currently, those songs are too sweet by Hozier, no more birthdays by sophie may, and Every Chappelle Roan Song.

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

I love bad romance novels the more ridiculous and bad, the better. kresley cole's immortals after dark are fun to make fun of (no. Hate if you like them)

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are!

Uhhh my favorite form of interaction is parallel play. irl or digital, in a digital sense it means “we're liveblogging two separate things we're doing at the same time” lmao

- Asher-Echo/vampire-bite

Ooh, there’s a lot of good info to consider here. Initially, it was hard because I find Type Two’s easily compatible with most of the Redacted bois, but what said about “not being a sexual person” made it easy to choose Ollie for you.

Because he has never and will never get a BA, I love to headcanon Ollie as either asexual, low-libido, or both, so that’s one reason I think he’d be a good match for you. I also love that y’all would like so many of the same things like open-world games, bad/silly romance novels, and spending time with one another without the pressure to actively interact or engage with each other. (Also creepypastas. I love to headcanon Ollie as a horror, creepypasta fiend, given he grew up on the internet around when Jeff the Killer came to be.)

Every day with Ollie would be so comfortable and domestic, so sweet. Like, on a long weekend like this one if you’re American, I can see y’all spending it at home, a little staycation. He’d be in the other room or one end of the couch reading, and you’d be on the other reading one of your romance novels. Cattywumpus would be on your lap, because you’re his favorite. Your music is playing in the background, and you both stop what you’re doing to dance to “Hot to Go!”, because Ollie would totes love Chappell Roan.

Song:

Spillin' wine and homemade drinks/ We throw a cheers, the worries sink/ Damnit, it's so good to be alive/ We know that we don't got much/ But, then again, it's just enough/ To always find a way for a good time

Ollie strikes me as the type of guy who loves simple, feel-good, folk-esque music, someone being honest and emotional with a guitar. That’s one reason I like this song for y’all and can imagine it shuffled with yours as y’all hang out. The other is that this love song is sweet, catchy, simple just like Ollie~

Runner-ups:

Your love of the Sims and cheesy paranormal romance novels compels me to give you Elliott as a runner-up, because he could bring the things you read and create to life in your dreams, and that’d be so fun! In contrast, your Enneagram type and identifying yourself as nonsexual makes me want to pair you with Cam who gives me an asexual, easily affectionate vibe.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[forcedsense]

                          PUBLIC PIECE: THE BILLIONAIRE RETURNS

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 001   :   THE OUTSIDE. (What most others know) 

NAME   :   Bruce Thomas Wayne EYE  COLOUR   :   Brown HAIR  STYLE   /   COLOUR   :  Dark brown, nearly black. Oftentimes can be caught messier than any billionaire should. Though, he puts himself together during his events. Slicked back, well kept. Even when we catch him entering Wayne Enterprises, he seems well put together. Yet, we still have the chance to catch him without the glitz and glamor, the mess on top of his head when he thinks nobody can see.  HEIGHT   : 6′1″ CLOTHING  STYLE   :   Rarely do we catch him outside of suits. If not a suit jacket and dress shirt, he’ll be found still in suit trousers. A man of his status, it’s understandable he’d prefer to remain professional in his appearances. Even when a snap is caught whilst he’s undressing at his window, the times we catch his hair falling past his eyes, we see him wearing his dress trousers and shoes.  BEST  PHYSICAL  FEATURE   :   Many women point out his magnificent jawline, and the man certainly gained a great deal of muscle mass during his time abroad. Many wonder what his routine is, but when interviewed he’ll merely claim it’s the diet his butler, Alfred Pennyworth, keeps him on. We bet working out is how he unwinds, when not in the company of women. 

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 002   :   THE INSIDE. (What we’ve learned from our interview)

FEARS   : He’s stated his fears lie in that of Gotham going too far down into the criminal syndicate, or the Earth being lost due to climate change and a lack of good leadership. Thus, he’s claimed his company is taking on an even greener approach than they had previously, including new solar-based features to help disband the need for fossil fuels. We’ve once heard stories of something that happened when he was a child, and fell into a cave, but never have we gotten the whole story. Many believe the memory of that night, all those years ago, could still cause nightmares to rise. Though, most of our interviewers are too afraid to ask him about it.  GUILTY  PLEASURE   :   We’ve spotted him with six different women already since his return to Gotham City. At first, it was believed the Wayne legacy was looking to expand, however now we believe he simply has a taste for beautiful women.  PET  PEEVE   : We know he despises those who believe they are above others, including those in the local government who choose inflicting pain upon the poor over offering aid. Many of us question if his motives are true, or if he is merely trying to make the less fortunate look up to him as well as the rich do. From what we’ve seen, however, many other wealthy folks in Gotham don’t have Wayne’s best intentions in line where they place their money. AMBITIONS  FOR  THE  FUTURE   :   It’s clear he wants to help fix the world in any way he can, and we certainly hope his plans are as well placed as he claims his intentions are. 

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 003   :   THOUGHTS. (An interview with the billionaire) 

FIRST  THOUGHTS  WAKING  UP   :  “ Placing as much of myself and my resources into improving Gotham as I can. “  WHAT  THEY  THINK  ABOUT  MOST :   " The world is caving in on itself day after day. If everyone were to pitch in, although it could help, it won’t do what just the worlds one percent richest individuals could do it they put their money where their mouth was. That’s what I try to focus on now that I am in charge of Wayne Enterprises.”  WHAT  THEY  THINK  ABOUT  BEFORE  BED   :   " What my next interview will be, ensuring I make it on time. Try to be civil if I can’t. “  WHAT  THEY  THINK  THEIR  BEST  QUALITY  IS   :   " I like to try to be modest. I realize how ironic it is given my position, but I do want what’s best for the world, not just Gotham’s elite. “ 

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 004   :    WHAT’S BETTER ?

SINGLE  OR  GROUP  DATES   :   " Single. Hard to be as intimate in a group setting. “  TO  BE  LOVED  OR  RESPECTED   :   “ ... Respected, just because that respect was earned, and I don’t want to let anybody down. “ [ NOTE: We noticed he took a fair bit of time to answer this question. Leads us here at Gotham News to question: Has he known what love was since his parents? ]  BEAUTY  OR  BRAINS :  " I tend to enjoy a woman with a bit of both. But, intellectual conversations are more enjoyable. “  DOGS  OR  CATS   : " I haven’t exactly had the time for pets, though when I was younger my mother had a Great Dane. He was named Tito, and he tried to protect me a great deal as a child. Cats, I don’t mind, though they tend to be better at taking than sharing with others from my experience. “ 

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 005   :   DO THEY  … 

LIE   :   " I prefer honesty wherever possible. “ [ NOTE: Based upon how he felt when we asked about love v. respect, we have to assume he may not be entirely honest. ]  BELIEVE  IN  THEMSELVES   :   " I believe in my work. That’s all anyone can really do these days. I believe in helping others, and ensuring the people of the world will have a better tomorrow in any way that I can. “ [NOTE: We noticed after the interview, he avoided answering the question. ]  BELIEVE  IN  LOVE :   " Love of home, love of country, of course I do. My parents love is what brought me into the world. If I ever had a chance to experience what they had, I could only be so lucky. “  WANT  SOMEONE :   " At the moment, I just want everyone to find happiness in themselves. “ 

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 006   :    HAVE THEY EVER  …

BEEN  ON  STAGE   :  We’ve seen him on stage multiple times for his events, even in the few short weeks he’s been back.  DONE  DRUGS   : Not on record. He’s rich, so many of us here assume he has, but he denied it.  CHANGED  WHO  THEY  WERE  TO  FIT  IN   :   Based on his income, we believe Bruce Wayne has never had to change anything about himself for others. Personally, he wouldn’t respond to the question. 

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 007   :   FAVOURITES.

FAVOURITE  COLOUR   :   He seems to have an affinity for midnight blue.  FAVOURITE  ANIMAL   :  Unknown, but based off his answers when we asked him how he felt about the mysterious vigilante who’s recently appeared, we can deduce that he seems to hate bats.  FAVOURITE  BOOK   :   Unknown, he claims it was one that belonged to his mother, that he’s long forgotten the name of.  FAVOURITE  GAME   :   Has claimed he doesn’t have much time for games. 

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 008   :   AGE.

DAY  THEIR  NEXT  BIRTHDAY  WILL  BE   :   April 17th HOW  OLD  WILL  THEY  BE   :  [REDACTED]

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁 009   :    FINISH THE SENTENCE .

I LOVE   : " Gotham. “  I  FEEL   :   “ Passionate. “  I  HIDE   :   " Little. “  I  MISS   :   " ...”  I  WISH   :  " Evil could be put to an end.”

𝚃𝙰𝙶𝙶𝙴𝙳 : @banschivs && @jokethur :*

TAGGING: you! 

[dogcunt]

all of them bitch

whore ok

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

whatever is convenient

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

fucking nothing honestly no thoughts brain empty

3. Ever done any drugs?

haha

4. What piercings do you want?

jacobs ladder, 2 bridge piercings, lots more ear piercins, annnnd my nips

5. How many people have you kissed?

cannae count

6. Describe your dream home.

dont rly have one lol

7. Who are you jealous of?

ppl that are happy or actually have shit planned oot lmao

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

currently outlander

9. Do you watch porn?

yuh

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

i used to have a nsfw but thats been inactive for ages

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

wherever my future Lover may be

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

[redacted]

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

would love 2 have my nipples pierced

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

idk id probably buy land to be really fucked up and evil w my friends on

15. Are you in a relationship?

haha no

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

ya where else would i get good vintage bdsm content

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

only myself

18. What tattoos do you want?

too many, dont wanna put in thee work ov describin it

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

most hated most Wretched public universal foe

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

thee occult i guess... like everything involved w it.. just occulture in general

21. Describe your best friend.

metal in face, sweaty, sweet, and always sick

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

thats embarrassing no

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

sopor aeternus, current 93, vaginals, coil, charming hostess

24. What are three places you want to travel?

british columbia, and i rly wanna go back to ireland and hamburg i guess

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

evil deeds, bonus if piss is involved

26. What’s your favorite season?

fall or spring i love em both equally

27. What’s your pet peeve?

having to answer every ask on a prompt

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

i dont know a single soul, sorry

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

marvel stuff

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

nae

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

papeerrrrr if i cant feel it its not real

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

starred trek for alien dick or falloot for ghoul pussy

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

evil robes and tunics made from thee finest hair ov children

34. What’s your coffee order?

coffee

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

oh MANY

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

hahahaahahaha

37. Have any tattoos?

yea five i think

38. Do you drink?

occasionally

39. Are you a virgin?

yes definitely

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

ofc!

41. How many followers do you have?

6803

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

me 

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

i feel no guilt in my pleasures

44. Do you read erotica?

no thats corny

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

my first tinder date me and this girl met up at a coffee shop and it was RIGHT after my bf ov 4 years and i broke up so that was already uhh Interesting but thee girl i was with was goin thru withdrawal and we both spent thee whole date talkin abt trauma

46. How many people do you follow?

616

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

idk any celebrities tbh

48. Describe your ideal partner.

i dont really have one as long as i love them and they love me back thats enough for me but it would be nice if they matched me in my level ov wickedness

49. Who do you text the most?

mars @cousinsovtheeantichrist

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

warm and sprinkly !!

[talk-geek-to-me]

All the ones you didn't do in the last ask!

So I’m finally getting around to doing this. and you fUCKING HATE ME. This is gonna be hella long.  (she asked for all of them)

This is for the WaterColor asks that I posted last night

Zinc White: how are you really feeling today? I’m very tired tbh like all i wanna do today is sleep rn. very tired

Cadmium Yellow: When you think of the word “happy” what's the first thing that comes to mind? ummmmm probably my boyfriend and the very funny moments you and i share

Lemon: What’s your comfort food? Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter Core Ice cream. that shit makes me feel better immediately

Hansa Yellow: What’s your guilty pleasure song? honestly idk, but i will tell you the song that I cant get enough of and its All Time Low by Jon Bellion. like i honestly cant get enough of it rn

Yellow Ochre: Name an artist/band whom you just discovered and cant get enough of. right now its the song that I just said in the last ask. but the band? shit ummmmmm, idk but i’ve been listening to anything in my liked playlist from spotify. so it varies

Naples Yellow: where do you feel most at home? uh, i dont really know. I moved to Idaho so i haven’t figured that most yet

Raw Sienna: with whom do you feel most at home? my boyfriend. I miss him so much and I honestly cant wait till i see him next

Golden Ochre: describe the relationship with your closest friend. JESS *insert random thing that im currently screaming about*

Golden Deep: what’s your favorite season? fall, i can wear converse and hoodies and be comfortable

Cadmiun orange: What do you like to do on your days off? i love to do things that have to get done. like today, i did more homework than i thought i was gonna do and cleaned my bathroom. it’s been a good day.

Orange lake: do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad? I listen to music and not do my homework, just focus on me

Titans: do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings? tbh i think i prefer slow mornings cause im not a morning person so that gives me time to sleep in

Shaknazaryan Red: are you currently binge watching anything? CRIMINAL MINDS

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)? i think i’m a bit of both

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it? not really theres a picture i really like tho. here’s the link! https://www.pinterest.com/pin/46865652355803785/

english red; what animal do you relate to most? honestly, a raven

vermilion; what’s your favorite accent? british, like tom holland and tom hiddleston british

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other? ....jess you know. but for those of you who don’t know, its the bad boy type... seriously, bucky barnes, loki, and according to jess its the dark-haired, chiseled features, built af, don’t worry, she made a point, like all the famous people im attracted to... all contain the same things that my boyfriend contains. my boyfriend is dark haired, chiseled features, thicc 

scarlet; describe your current crush/es. DARK HAIR, CHISELED FEATURES, BAD BOY TYPE BOYFRIEND

ruby; what does your ideal first date look like? honestly, i dont have one

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like? dont have one

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date? considering i kissed my boyfriend within the first hour of meeting him, sure

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now? im actually keeping up with school rn and im fairly proud of myself

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to? sleep

violet rose; what does your dream house look like? windows. so many windows big kitchen, comfortable

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down? not really, i’d settle down anywhere as long as im with the man i love

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down? traveling

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to? honestly, i havent been there yet

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it? ummmm, im kinda always in a good mood?

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember? [redacted] [redacted] [redeacted] [redacted] [redacted]

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each? 2 or 3 kids, 2 dogs and hopefully a cat. married to my boyfriend

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could? NO it’s too common, its why i prefer people call me meg or megs. i hate my name.

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent? vanilla

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any? lipton pure leaf raspberry tea, and it has to be cold

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant? literally anything that i could water every once in a while and it still be alive

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog? no, my life is really boring

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives. curves, well built, purple red hair. honestly, im super comfortable with my body

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario? ya know that scene in vampire dairies when Damon is comforting Rose as she’s dying? yea it looks like that

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better? im pretty comfortable with it, just wish my boyfriend was with me

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them? ready? you’re gonna laugh jess, Romania, Ireland, England

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn? so my mom is from Chile, and she’s native in spanish, but im native in english and cant speak a lick of spanish, but i have been doing the duolingo spanish lessons and its like my latina side has woken up, but i cant speak spanish, i can read it and hear it and probably translate it for you

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book? Stalking Jack The Ripper by Kerri Maniscalco

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far? no, im too busy with school and work that i dont have time to read anything and its making me sad. but i always have a book in my backpack just incase

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh? the first Avengers

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself? clean my fucking greasy ass face

umber; have you drank enough water today? nope, thank you for reminding me tho

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent? you, cause you always provide the best advice and make me feel like my emotions matter to you too

sepia; name five things that always make you happy. Superheroes, music, my boyfriend, my friends, and books, etc

indigo; what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received? today, i was sitting in my car ordering my drink from dutch bros and someone told me that they liked my hair even tho he couldnt really see the color of it. But i get a lot of compliments from my boyfriend about my eyes

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic? shit, uhhhh, superhero murderer? 

black; post a selfie because you are so beautiful! I’m gonna share with you the one that has my boyfriend going crazy 

[hecallsmehischild]

“When your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it's always hard to sleep.” --E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web.

Unloading my brain before I grab a small nom and try sleeping again.

Mood of the night is worried. Worried, am I not thinking about God enough? Have I overcommitted on projects? I mean, they’re all my projects but have I overcommitted anyway? I hate disappointing anyone who started following something and trailing off. I hated when it happened to me, so I try to not do it to others. And will I always regret the people I had to cut off and leave behind?

Current projects and things going, large and small:

Youtube reading Mere Christianity

Youtube reading The Book of Sorrows

Dusting It Off: Liveblogging reading my very old fanfiction

Writing Laughter Lines

Writing {title redacted} oneshot

Writing Elrohee (unsure, very unsure if I can actually write a third in this series for a couple reasons}

Editing Best Served Cold

Enjoying that a bit and toying with the idea of a full edit of the Resilience Saga

Chipping away at house improvements like caulking, adding shelves to a closet, replacing old vent plates

Wrangling contractors to fix the things I can’t

Journaling, coloring journal, a self-exploration guided journal

Two beading projects I started and set aside

Letters I need to write to at least two, probably three people

Lots of masks left to paint

Flower balls?

Lots of trees still to make

What do I do with all the shells I collected?????

Wooden wiggly toys to paint

Material collected to try flower crowns again

Haven’t read some of the books I got on co-dependency

Didn’t I want to re-watch all of Invader Zim at some point???

Started another blanket

I was doing more digital art in a short burst then I abandoned it, where’d that go?

I was doing more sketching in a sketchbook I got for this purpose, where’d that go?

The movie list I wanna watch with my husband keeps growing

The game list I wanna play with my husband keeps growing

The book list I wanna read with my husband keeps growing

The list of things I wanna go out and do with him keeps growing

There’s a random “home” decorative sign that’s sitting waiting for me to do something with paint and make it prettier. Do I want to?

Keep trying to get ahold of a neighbor for the contact name/number of the guy who created our fairly unique fireplace to help us deal with its fairly unique issues before we can use it.

Am supposed to remind/push husband about ski trip? He’s excited for me to learn, I’m hesitant but open.

Am supposed to remind/push all three of us about getting licensed.

Need to try not to be a total hermit and either go out with friends or invite friends here

Didn’t I finally get a translation of the Bible I could read, understand, and even kind of enjoy? What happened???

*deep breath* Okay. Excuse me for a second while I talk to myself.

Child. Look at this. You almost always have something to do or go to. You don’t know how to balance all of it, but there’s too much to balance. You’ve come a long way but you still have energy costs per day, even if you don’t quantify them and “go with the flow” more often than not. It’s okay. Go your own pace. I know you feel guilty about a lot of things. About people, and about failure to do regular updates. You wonder how you’ll ever improve on anything when you’re chasing the newest squirrel all the time. But you do have constants you always come back to, and your exploration is okay.

And it isn’t like you have a deadline on these things. They’re blinky lights in your brain, but they’re only that way to you. There isn’t that same pressure externally.

I don’t know when you’ll be able to let go of those people and the attached shame. You’re going to have to learn how to forgive yourself.

We’ll start looking into a Messianic synagogue, see if we can reconnect on two fronts at once.

Finish some leftovers. Have some water. Go back to bed. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.