#not only do my ankles hurt
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i wanna draw so badddddd. i wanna draw so BADDDDDD. but i CAN’TTTTTT
#marzi speaks#not only do my ankles hurt#but my wrists (which are still bruised from all the bloodwork i’ve had done) are acting up too#i’m so maaaaaaddddd. let me DRAWWWWWWW#temper tantrum. i wanna throw one. not that i have the ENERGY#>:((((((((#can u tell i’m hitting the ‘ok i’m sick of this’ stage of recovery#i had to get my chest x-rayed in a freezing cold room today. i had to get six more vials of blood drawn so they could run tests on fucking.#everything#i had to walk around extra and now my ankles are hurting because this is the first time i’ve left the house since discharge#i have a charm sitting in my mailbox that i wanna go get but i cannot walk the short distance to go get the mail#also i’ll probably get bit up by mosquitos. and the last thing i need rn is more discomfort#uuuuuuuuuugggghhhhh i’m so TIRED of it all. i want to be healthy again#worst part is i can tell i need to have a cry about it but i cannot get myself to cry. hrhrhrhrrhgggrgrrrrrggghh#gonna lose it. gonna lose my whole mind
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every month it seems i acquire a new injury. injured neck, sprained wrist, now a sprained ankle. like what the fuck is going on with me. i'm going to tourniquet leander like a water balloon and chug the luck right out of him
#touchstarved game#guys it was such a stupid way to sprain my ankle too#i borrowed my sister's shoes & got a blister. so we traded only one shoe each#so i had on one flat shoe. and one platform shoe.#and i stepped off like a CENTIMETER of pavement the wrong way#DO YOU KNOW the crazy paths i've hiked. the shit i've climbed. the roads i've taken#my childhood home road isn't accessible by car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#AND I HURT MYSELF. ON PAVEMENT#like 🤏🏻 THAT MUCH ACTUALLY#bc i wanted to be silly and wear mismatched shoes with my sister 🧍🏼#WHAT'S NEXT. HUH.#am i gonna break my ass bone 😭😭😭😭
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By the skin of your teeth (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#DAX#ZEX#Pyramid Head#The Captain#Blood#The cuts themselves are just black and white because I'm controlling myself lol - clearly not That much with the rest but hey!#Still it is a very nasty cut for how nonchalantly I've drawn them all haha - ZEX's back too he's just facing forward#I also momentarily forgot that he was in his uniform it's fine don't worry about it lol#All these speculations on where and how about the injuries and then just - What Uniform That I Am Enamoured By? Haha#I've done the same thing with DAX I keep forgetting about his poor ankle and then it comes up and I'm like ''Oh yeah haha I knew that''#How are some details so sticky and others so smoke-like! Some stay in my brain and others - pffbtl how silly#All the same it's still the Funnest Fun <3#There's something so Extra delightful to have Seen a setpiece - an object - an idea - and then get to interact with it <3 <3#Hitting Pyramid Head with Zelnick's frying pan! Forget PH I can't believe we had the budget for the skillet's appearance fee ♪♫ Hehehe#No but honestly Pyramid Head was incredible ✨ Wonderfully scary and distressing and tense and full of fallout! Terrible things!! ♪♫#I've never drawn him before so it was interesting! :0 His appearance in SH2 looks all squished#Like his belly is jutting out across from a broken spine! Quite spooky#I don't think I fully managed to capture that - kinda just looks like his hip bones are very prominent hehe - but maybe some other time :)#I hope they don't run into him again - for their sake tho haha ♪#DAX continually pulling ZEX behind him to try and protect him (and failing) was something I really Had to put to paper <3#As well as snuggles!! Even before they got Really hurt I was like Oh everyone needs hugs so bad :'0 And they do!! They need so many hugs!#Maybe especially Zelnick poor Captain :'0 Give this boy a break#The injuries are more of a self-guide hehe I'm not sure how accurate they are - they Feel accurate based on handedness et al#I was the least sure for Zelnick since he got tossed (poor thing!) but at least bruises are always fun to draw hehe#The return of my rainbow bruises lol - I only use three colours they're just so vibrant!#DAX trying so~ hard not to be taken in hehe what could these feelings be! Familiarly repressed? No surely not ♪#Be nice ♫
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i wonder if i can do a front walkover still
#im abt to injure my wrists ankles and spine#brb#idiots#no obviously#BUT i can do the first part!!#and only hurt my shoudler a little bit hooray
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god my stupid fucking ankle
#talking#it feels like a little insane to think physical disability might be further upon me but#my left foot has been so hard to support my weight on for a long ass time idfk whats up with it.#theres already the problems i have. being underweight. but god fuckin damn#some days its totally fine. ive walked around the city all day and only felt a bit tired by the end#other days i do literally nothing at home and wake up with my ankle kinda hurting. i feel crazy. hello.#i have work today. its not even like i work long shifts but im not looking forward to how its gonna feel by the end lmao#god. like. how much of it is just me being out of shape vs the way i just stand on my foot 😭😭😭
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why havent they banned 7hr shifts yet. we need to stop this.
#woke up briefly and immediately was like fuckkkkk i dont want to work todayyyyyy#its twelve to 730 pm. like thats my whole day :( and my ankle hurts. :(#and its only 9$ an hour. what right do u have to make me walk for my whole day no podcast or nothing. for 9$ an hr. this sucks.#they should invent a job that pays well and doesnt make you want to kill yourself while youre doing jt.
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every fucking day it's a new thing with this body. Like girl* how did you manage to strain your fucking elbow
#*gender neutral#i was literally just walking around#the only thing i can think of is holding it bent for too long which would be such a goddamn stupid reason for it to hurt#what. leaning on it too much on my gay and stupid picnic blanket?#that could be it actually 😑#i'm pissed bc i'm tired and need to eat#and bonus mad because icing ironically made me more aware of the pain and the way it's radiating numbness down my forearm#it super sucks i don't like this new joint pain at all#that's both knees both ankles right hip and left elbow all absolutely fucked this month#plus the usual wrists and hands not having a lot of fun#i need a doctor that knows what they're doing with connective tissue issues
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Oufgh I just shifted my jaw, intending to lightly pop it (TMJ) and it was this loud sickening crack 😭 what the fuck was that
#marquilla#its fine it doesnt hurt but my joints are all so LOUD#i have to frequently crack my knuckles much to my moms dismay (i cant help it im in pain) and pop my right hip like once a day#bc my gait is off and my hip doesnt like that shit and my ankles oh man i need to roll those fuckers often 😩#my jaw i usually only pop when it feels tight like it's a specific feeling but ough this one sounded WEIRD like so loud#anyways i need like a human size fish tank so i can climb in and do my therapy there sgdgdgdgd thats what mom had to go in when she had#PT and i was like wtf?? bc /I/ got to use a pool specifically for PT and it had a mini wave machine (resistence therapy) and steps we used#to stretch... then my therapist who's car i hit put ankle weights on me and had me tread in the deep end with the worlds thinnest pool#noodle SGGDGDGDGD im sure it wasnt on purpose 😏 but it's funnier to think she spent 2 weeks waiting to be my therapist again and#did that on purpose but it's funnier to think that she spent 2 weeks waiting for our schedules to line up so she could be my therapist#and then she could enact her revenge sgdgdgdd her car had the TINIEST scratch and my trunk was CRUSHED 😭 but bc i backed into her parked#car i was 100% at fault#anyways agdggdgdgdgdgdg
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I start to realise that actually yes, the pillars you've taken for granted, that have convinced you their love is unconditional and that they've somehow seen the depths of your soul have been sold on some lie.
whether they sold it to themselves, whether I made it worse (even when I've always tried to be honest, so honest, because I wanted to believe I could be loved by others), the end result is the same— the image will shatter entirely, gradually or all at once, and then I am alone to deal with myself. my heart will be slashed and hacked into a bleeding thing before that. and then, me. the person i always said I was, that I kept hoping I wouldn't be, that somehow no one else saw but me. I'm always right. I'm always right, no one ever listens to me, they never really listen. you, you are truly sick, you, you are truly rotten, you, you are irrevocably stupid. you are a waste. you are selfish. you are wrong. you are nothing. you are a freak, something unsightly.
I thought I was seen, I thought these people knew something I didn't, because that's how it always is. even if that's not really the case, it usually is, and I never once trusted myself. and I wanted to be worth something; it's comforting to choose to believe praise when it came my way.
but you know. I always said, at least in my heart, take from me. I am lesser. please don't be jealous of me, I would hold your hand as you drove a sword through my heart, I would not resist you, I would gladly submit to you if I could. when you look at me as if I've robbed you of something. I am so, so unworthy, I felt shame so potent in being there. but maybe moreso now that I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I deserved absolutely nothing. I'm not trying to fight you, I want to kneel by your feet and beg for salvation, you to me might as well be a God.
#shivering and pathetic pawing at your ankles#vent#four cornered room. pink. one girl to the right and another to the left. maybe they had their arms crossed maybe neither of them did#why did you take from us. why#you know i never felt connected to either of them. it was always painful idolising#painful i think bc it was from a distance. a false kind of friendship#so many things hurt. so many things were confusing and i really have never felt sure about anything#my self worth. that should be an important issue. but it feels like a piece of tissue#i can give it to you if only to appease you. i dont know what to do. i want you to kill me#i felt contempt in that moment maybe. in that semi confrontation#bc i never got what i wanted from them. i felt like i was always enduring some kind of pain#only for them to think i thought i was worth more than them somehow#after all that i endure. everyday. and you dont even love me you dont have the capacity#my mistake was in being in your orbit at all
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having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time
#chronic pain#chronic exhaustion#idk what else to tag#another day of why was lee walking normal and barely pain at work yesterday but then today so much pain and exhausted#wish i knew what was exactly the problem. was diagnosed with “generalized hypermobility” but doesnt do much#not a real diagnosis. basically just a thing to tell me “theres nothing wrong. exercise more” but how???? i keep trying but hurt myself#my job is physical labor and therefore exercise. it hurts. is exhausting. no energy to do more. walking is exhausting#have to focus so much energy on not popping hips out of place and twisting knees and ankles and falling. never hurts less#still think about how failed the heds test by 1 point but had several people with heds or who have close friends/family with it who told me#they think i have it and should go het diagnosed or just ask me if i have it because they recognize the symptoms#and every time i tell them the doctor i saw about my joint issues and stuff denied it they get super confused and tell me to try#another doctor. unfortunately i have to go through my designated health system and they dont have multiple doctors of each specialty#and i in general have no clue how to navigate health stuff or how to advocate for myself and have no help or support system at all so 🤷#anyway. it makes me wonder if i *do* have that or if my floppy bendy joints are just similarly bad and exercise will cure me#and im just bad at it because i have no clue what is right and wrong movement unless someone watches me and corrects me the whole time#and no i wont learn or get better. im so disconnected from this body that i will never learn what feels right and wrong.#still cant even tell when im hungry until i almost pass out!!!!!!! of thirsty!! or even have to pee until its emergency level piss!!!!!!#so no way to tell when hypermobiling joints when exercising or when form is slipping and not correct anymore.#been trying things to get better at that but still hasnt improved at all#what was i talking about......right. dont think ill ever get heds diagnosis since cant pass the test for that. so cant get much support/help#am on my own with youtube tutorials and hoping i dont keep hurting myself wishing exercise will cure me and “good days” become permanent#also why are video tutorials SO HARD TO FOLLOW AND LEARN FROM. im sk bad at it yet everyone tells me its the best and only way to learn but#its SO HARD FOR ME 😭😭😭😭😭 MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED AND UPSET
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experiencing any level of joint pain for longer than a day or two has only reinforced my belief that ppl with chronic pain are actually the strongest motherfuckers on the goddamn planet
#marzi speaks#hi. my knees r still kinda fucked up. at some point a few days ago i hyperextended my elbows#so now those have been hurting#my traps r fucked bc i’ve been stressed and those are prone to holding tension in me#my knee pain made me walk wrong for a little bit so now i’m trying to fix that to alleviate the foot and ankle pain#oh yeah. my thumb is still tender for some reason despite the tendonitis having been healed as well#the only part of my body that hasn’t betrayed me as of yet is my spine and pelvis#i am so sick of moving and having it hurt#and like i can go about my day n shit. and have a good time#but it is always there and it is fucking annoyingggg#and ppl with chronic pain just live their whole lives like this.#and they don’t blow up and attack anyone who treats them shitty about it#and i am amazed#bc i talked to my dad abt maybe going to the doctor abt my knees to see what’s going on#bc i don’t remember injuring them at all and i don’t really feel too much improvement on a day to day#and he just gave me a stretch to do about it#now the stretch helps. but my knees still hurt. so like. what do u want from me#if i were to bring it up again he’d probably say it wasn’t a big deal. he’s seen me hobble around the house n how slow i’m moving rn#i normally run around my house. i have been walking at a pace that pisses me off bc i’m impatient#even just having like. worries that are probably exagerrated get dismissed like that has kinda made me wanna kill him a little bit#and this is something that i know is gonna heal and get better#ppl with chronic pain don’t Get That. and they are still dismissed constantly#how do you not like. murder everyone around you. the infinite patience. genuinely the strongest among us#i didn’t mean to complain in these tags as much as i did (my knees r actually doing pretty ok rn and my ankles are getting better)#but i suppose i am bitter
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Act like a hard working, tough and reasonable young man:
Fall asleep on the ground waiting for your lover
Maurice (1987) dir. James Ivory / And Then We Danced (2019) dir. Levan Akin
#I think I finally understood why I fell for Alec Scudder so much#it's the same energy of a guy playing so masculine and emotionless#and then proves to be so madly in love he lost all his reason#I mean guy you've already been ghosted and it hurts so bad that even I can feel it#what's more you need to stop you from being so hopeful and trusting?#broken heart seems not enough for you would you rather have it crushed into pieces?!#it sure melts my heart🥺#I'm almost sure if it was for Merab he'd miss his boat too... perhaps even miss his audition#(well wasn't it like he missed it already by spraining his ankle the very same day?)#(only wonder what would Irakli do if seeing him like this? possible fanfic fuel...)#maurice 1987#alec scudder#and then we danced#და ჩვენ ვიცეკვეთ#atwd#merab#levan gelbakhiani#gay movies#forbidden love#a potem tańczyliśmy
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update: leaving school early let’s fucking GO
#aimless rambles#yeahhhh it’s a full on sprain. sad!#(it only hurts mildly i have good pain tolerance)#my sister got sprained ankles all the time bc she played sports a lot. I Do Not
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it's supposed to be 85° tomorrow are you fucking kidding me
#IT'S DECEMBER CAN I GET A COOL BREEZE AT LEAST. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE MID 50S MONTH. GIRL.#i have a big presentation tomorrow and i don't have time to wash my hair so dressing nice was my only option but my only nice school tops#are sweaters. what the fuck do you mean 85° in december i'm going to kill myself.#girl the dead week stress is becoming dead week apathy i already know i'm failing a class and i have until like friday to write a 5 page#paper with no prompt and pray my prof is feeling merciful enough to accept it even though it'll be late#i can feel myself shutting down and i won't be able to explain myself to my parents or my family at the holiday shitfests but! might be#getting diagnosed in the nearish future if 1) my new dr believes in adhd and 2) i can convince her i have it so fucking bad#sorry gang i feel like i do this every finals season but oh? my god am i having a genuinely bad time <3 also i sprained my ankle last night#and it hurts So Bad today so i'm hoping if i limp into class and also up to the front tomorrow they'll grade me easy#i do have to finish my fucking slides first. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh.#a post
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i called out... like right before my shift too. i am truly a monster. like they're going to have to find someone to cover my trucks. i just can't. like yesterday wasn't even that bad and i've been having fun, i enjoy the job i enjoy working and i just.
#like i put up with deep open sores on my ankles for this job. theyve only just now healed#and that didn't drive me to quit#but the last week has just been. like i didn't even go in that much because i hurt my knee last week and monday was labor day#my knee is fine now and i'm fine but i like had to leave early on tuesday because i was about to start fucking sobbing#and my brain was like . going joker mode.#i feel like. i have failed.#well actually i feel like a failure but i'm going to try and not be a bitch about this#i just want to have a job i keep and that i can go to while still like... feeling okay. and this is certainly not it#i guess i still had hope that this was... sustainable. because it was fun and easy#and really i'm being a baby like im not injured or anything#god being a quiter used to be so much easier before i like. realized i was doing that thing#that greg does in school in crazy ex girlfriend#he sings a song about it#like 'well i failed cause i didn't try'#and now im like. i tried. and i still weh weh weg#im also quitting before i like worked my self to the absolute bone and for some reason that makes me feel like i actually didn't try at all#do you think that black and white thinking is autism or bpd? vote now in the comments#i feeling like carving something pretty into my skin#wehhhh i made this whole post hoping to feel better after i vented but i still feel bad#i hope i die in my sleep#and the timing you know? the timing like this is just so fucking embarrassing but i dint fucking care#like congrats you got what you wanted there was a retard within 2 feet of you and now there's not
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I really need to get better and not want to hurt myself
#i had a self-harm relapse 3 days ago and my ankles are still bleeding. this is ridiculous.#in my 7 years of on and off self-harm i've never had this much bleeding#yes the goal was to make myself bleed but it has gotten all over my sheets and my comforter and soaked through an entire bath towel#this is not a sustainable way of living#in order to stop hurting myself i need to actually want to stop hurting myself but idk how to do that#i didn't self-harm for the entire 4 weeks i was in residential this summer but that was only because i didn't have access to anything sharp#i dont know what to do. i know a million skills and i sometimes try to use them but there are times where i simply dont want to use them#like that self-harm relapse#im so sick of the blood. but i like seeing it when im doing it. there are times when i want to make myself bleed.#it does feel really good to self-harm sometimes. and i do want to hurt myself.#im doing much better than i was this summer. so much less suicidal but im still so depressed that i want to inflict physical harm on my body#i dont know how to get out of this depression. the only options really left are tms or ketamine or ect#i want to start tms but it's just so much work making appointments and calls#what if i do tms and it helps? i would step down from php to iop and then outpatient therapy. but i cant go back to school until next fall#anyways don't self-harm because you may end up deeply annoyed by it 7 years later#tw: self harm
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