#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)

[orcelito]

Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair

Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!

[the-fiction-witch]

Surgery (This World Of Ours)

REAL LIFE:  x post-apocalypse COUPLE: TBS X READER RATING: SAD + SLIGHTLY SMUTTY

WARNING: THIS is sad sorry gonna warn you to cause lots of sad for not liking self 

when we arrived we were ushered into a room and Alice taken off somewhere I don't know where it was a large room almost the size of the flat back home with a large double bed in the centre and a door leading to an on sweet bathroom both me and Thomas un-pack out few belongings from the flat and sit on the bed "well this is going well" he says "Yeah" I sigh "I wonder where they took Alice" I ask "she's okay Darling, Alice is a good little girl" he says wrapping an arm around me till a man in white clothes enters our room and informs us to follow him he leads us to a small room with two medical beds in a and a woman on a chair with a pen in her hand the man then left and the woman shut the door "morning sir, madam" she says looking us both up and down "well when they say you needed work I didn't think it would be this much" she sighed "well sit down both of you and strip" she says "what?" I ask "Sorry, please strip sir and madam," she says "no why?" I ask "I'm your surgeon you two are in no way the correct look to run this place" she says "Now please strip down to underwear is fine" she says we both then do as we are told sitting on a bed in our underwear while she scans us with her eyes "Thomas you first stand in front of the mirror" she says he does as he's told I can see both him and his mirror reflection I can see he's not to happy as the woman circles him like a vulture her pen in her hand thinking "well the face is handsome no changes needed there" she says moving his face with her hand "we will have to do something about this though" she says hitting his stomach "your developing a fatness we will fix that" she says writing on him with her pen circling his stomach "how did that happen is it natural or eating too much" she asked "I may have eaten a bit more while Y/n was expecting Alice" he emits. he did when I was pregnant he eat more than I did "then we can defiantly fix that" she says before walking around him again "not a lot of form" she says more to herself I don't like the way she's looking at him likes he's a piece of meat needing to be trimmed and fixed "but we can add some muscles beef you up a bit" she says drawing all over his arms and legs "and we can add this" she says drawing a six-pack on him "but to add al that we will have to alter" she says drawing a dotted line around his neck and down his back then putting the lid back on her pen and walking around him one last time "you can sit back down now" she says to him I can tell he's not to happy she then moves and gets an unopened back of pens "Alright y/n here please your the one that really needs work" she says I then do as I'm told standing in front of the mirror as she circles me trying to shut my eyes not wanting to see myself "right" she sighs "this all needs to go" she says drawing around me anwhere she can find any fat at all "I know women gain wait durring pregancy but this is ridiculous how long have you been like this", she asks "as long as I can rememeber ive never been thin im a big person" I say trying not to cry "there is not such thing" she says sternly " as a big person, you gain weight as a choice its not just something that randomly occours, and by god all of you is fat im not sure theres really a human there just a mountin of fats" she says to me im trying so hard not to cry my eyes out "all thsee need to be fixed" she says scribbleing out my streach marks "and this needs to go in alot" she says drawing round my waist "this needs reducing" she says drawing on my neck again "luckily its a pretty face under all the fats and freckels we will need to take them out" she says "NO" I hear Thomas shout behind me he emmediatly comes and stands beside me in the mirror "I have heard a lot to day but thats my line, you do not change her face" he says to her "im sorry she is going to be the face of the world see must be the perfect picture of beauty this is not beauty" she says girpping my face "I dont care you leave her face alone" he says to her "fine" she sighs before walking out leaving me and Thomas along looking into the mirror at the things they where going to do to us I just start to cry I dont like myself I attmit but it is me its not them changeing how we look there changeing who we are Thomas has never had mucsel even if he often wanted them ive allways been a big girl there taking that away from us Thomas just takes me in his arms "it's okay Darling, I love you like this, but no matter what they do it wont make me love you anless" he says to me giving me a kiss on the head till some men entre the room they dont speech to us they just hand us white clothes like lab coats we both take them and put them on as one indicates for us to sit on the beds then the woman comes back "please sit we need to take you down to the theartre" she says we both hesitently sit on the beds as they give us both and injection and with in a few seconds im asleep. when I wake up im in a small room with a single door and another bed beside me the bed beside me is all ascue like someones allready gotten out of it I get up slowly as all of me feels strange and walk out the door it leades to a large room with two large mirrors and two rachs of white clothes on each side of the room in one mirror stands Thomas in his underwear looking very happy he has mucsles now and has lot the weight he gained before he hasnt yet noticed im there as I step closer I can hear him talking "wow, im so sexy, Thomas. you. are. hot," and things to that effect he keeps repeating to himself "you coud make any woman climax just by taking off your shirt" he says to himself  "well I hope you dont use that super power for evil Thomas" I say to him he turns to look at me and smiles "hey Darling" he says "hello" I say walking so I'm stood behind him and wrap my arms around him "you look grand" I tell him "thank you" he says "but I want to see my baby girl" he says flipping me around so I’m infront of the mirror with him behind me he slowly takes off the white coat from me showing what they have done to me I'm much thinner now and so much fo me is gone my stretch marks are all gone every inch of me looks like a super model my skin has been fixed to its no longer blotchy and off colour in places my body looks beautiful for once my body is something I wouldn't mind people seeing but I feel a lot like I have lost a part of who I am in a way "oh my god" he says in suprise before he just stands and yarks at me "Thomas your drooling" I say as I can see he's droling at me "sorry your just wow" he says "awe thank you" I say the then flips me around so im facing him and leant against the mirror "theres less of you to love Baby but I do like it" he says slyly "I think it will take me a while to get used to you like this" I say running my hand down his chest to feel the way he is now and his new abb's "I do like them" I giggle "trust me go a bit lower and you'll be in for a suprise" he smirks I then do so my hands resting on his boxers god what the hell did they do to him "holy shit" I say "yeah I don’t know what they did, and I don’t know how long it's gonna be like that" he says “but im sure you can find somthing to do with it” he smirks 

“I have a Few Idea’s” I smirk kissing him and he pushes me against the mirror and grinding agianst me 

“uhh this is amazing” he moans as we kiss till suddenly the door opened interupting us

[hyun-seong]

Hey I can see you’re alive lol. Have your days been alright like better than before? You can ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I have been doing. I just got out of ‘long’ shower and noticed you when I open the app. Tbh I’ve been feeling depressed and like there’s no one who could help me get distracted and make me laugh since last month otl. Well there was my best friends but something happen so yeah. I’ve been feeling tired of living this world for four years haha. It okay because (1/2)

 It’s okay since I have some male groups I like and help me forget living this world just little bit 

TW SUicide on this one fellas

MY DAYS have been a little better, my mom gets more and more healed every day even if its slow or a little bit, I am tired because I have to irrigate her tubing every six hours aND IM BAD AT SLEEPING so i lose time not sleeping and then trying to sleep but my body is adjusting so thats good lmao I WAS ACTUALLY doing really badly until last night if im being honest, the stress was getting to me and i was angry that not only did i have to do this mostly by myself but that i also had to deal with my grandmother breathing down my back PRETENDING to help, i was changing her stoma bag and I was taught how to do this, she wasnt, she really had no business trying to dictate what to do and she didnt know what half the things i was doing were for so im trying basically to add binding powder in the area between her skin and her intestine and im about to pour it in and shes like “Dont do that yet” and like tries to dislodge something that just...isnt ready to come out...AND I WAS THINKING IN MY HEAD...MCSCUSE ME BITCH THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW....IF YOU WANTED TO be in the way so bad why didnt you learn from one of the nurses who was like ALWAYS in there you blew your chance....and then my poor mother was saying how she felt so bad i had to do this and i was trying to tell her look youre my mother i really dont mind and im trying to console her and my grandma cuts me off to tell her that she doesnt mind like WHAT....WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT MIND?? WHAT DO YOU DO BUT LAUNDRY EVERY SO OFTEN?? TF??? SHE WASNT TALKING TO YOU.....LEAVE....god i was livid....and then the home nurse who comes every three days to change her bandages was supposed to arrive at 7pm so 6pm comes around and my grandma is like trying to find her business card to call and bother her and im like?? wait until 7 and call if she doesnt show?? and shes like BUT SHE SAID...SHED CALL AND CONFIRM...and my dads like “mom just wait for a bit” and she goes like “OH OK i wont call, I guess im the only one who CARES” and im like WHAT THE FUCK....................... and hes just like “she said shes coming at 7 and would call if she needed to go at a different time” and that shut her up....the gall....the goddamn gall...the sheer audacity......to imply i dont care.....when the bags under my eyes have BAGS and she sleeps a solid 12 hours a night LIKE SORRY I HAVE FAITH IN A PAID PROFESSIONAL...

BUUUT in the middle of the night my boyfriend sends me a message (THIS IS BG INFO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SKIP UNTIL YOU SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U WANT) and as you might know hes been living in Seattle since august but flew down for a month to be here during my moms surgery, so hes been saying stuff like oh we can do this, lets do this, or we will do this next time AND STUFF like that and im thinking to myself when the fuck do you think we have the time to do this stuff you have to go back at the end of the month.....but it was nice to hear so i didnt challenge the statements hahaha because it was hard since we met in may 2016  but IT FEELS LIKE...A CENTURY ive known him.  I remember like a couple months ago he was like man i cant believe its already been two years AND IM LIKE IT HASNT...IT REALLY HASNT.........ITS NOT EVEN 1.5.....and we were both like..........what the fuck??? and its because...we never got to do the fun things, we met, had a good few dates and then Life Happened™ the way it tends to about 5 months after we met, and he said basically I have to move to Seattle because I am inheriting a restaurant and I don’t think there’s ever going to be a person like you again and i wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend and was waiting for the right time and i think i should start fresh and you should find someone who can give you the time you deserve, it sounded like a sacrifice and it was ridiculous to me because time with anyone else met nothing to me, it wasnt what i wanted, and i cried for DAYS just nonstop crying, and I always thought movies were overreacting but it feels like you’re legitimately dying, and to me it hurt worse because he liked me, it would have hurt less if he just didnt like me, that I could get over, but youre always taught love prevails so it felt like such a blindside when it doesn’t, but there was something in me, this nagging feeling like I am not going to leave him alone, LIKE IF HE STOPS ANSWERING my texts messages I will respect that IM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE...........STAY WITH ME IF U DONT WANT TO..... but I will pull for him as long as I can because thats what i felt was right, and not to toot my own horn but im not usually wrong when my brain nags me about something

so 2017 starts and i invite him every possible place I can, he took forever to reply to my texts but he would....eventually....we spent our birthdays together, we went thrift shopping, went to the zoo, and i never touched him but to shake his hand goodbye until my birthday where he held his arms out to hug me. The zoo was the last time I saw him before he moved and this was August 2017 and we were watching the gorillas and i love apes and monkeys haha so we were sitting on the bench in the back cos i had to be there for a bit and he held his hand out for me to hold it and i was so happy sitting there looking at apes holding his hand and i felt him squeeze it, I don’t know if he knew I’d notice but I did, and I thought to myself “I would die for this” because it was the only thing I stood to lose in this world and I would let it kill me

SO HE moves at the end of August and since he took so long moving the restaurant with to his other aunt and im a miserable son of a bitch and the whole time im concocting a plan to make it work but im not allowed where hes staying because im white so IM NOT WELCOME LOL....and he wasnt being paid for his work so its not like we could rent somewhere and i have a bad income myself lol it just seemed so impossible, and he said im so sorry i had been distant to you for that time, the idea of being away from you hurt so much and i knew in the end i would be separated from you and nothing was going to change it but you showed since day one unconditional love and youve told me how much you loved me in so many ways without ever saying it and it made me realize my past relationships had been wrong the whole time and I knew it because...my brain nagged me and told me but it was still such a relief to hear and when he came down for the fake christmas we had to throw before moms surgery we actually got to be like a normal couple haha...but it hurt because I knew I just had to say goodbye again

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so anyways last night I get a message saying my brother says if I clean up the house and live her permanently, I can get a cat, and I really want to get a cat and it just...now when I am stressed I think about it, I get to keep him haha, you know he never did actually ask me to be his girlfriend, hes the type who wouldn't want to create in me obligation if he couldn't provide for me,  NOT THAT i ever mind, but its like maybe its redundant at this point who knows haha and he still inherits that restaurant heaven forbid his other aunt dies, but then well....I’ll be allowed in the house.......... SO LIFE...CAN get better in like the BLINK of an eye, sometimes the greatest gifts will fall in your lap to keep you through the hardest of times, so thats why when I never asked him why he was so hopeful for a future of us because I never wanted him to stop talking like that, because it was something I had never gotten to hear until this month and now I know why 

BUT I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

that makes me laugh 

but really you’re not alone, you are a great great friend to me, and I know that me even saying that might not even help, myself, my mother, my boyfriend and my bestfriend are heavily depressed you know I can vouch it runs in my family pretty deep, and when one suggests suicide one has to come in and say ....NO NO NOW BAD IDEA...its like we just stay alive to make sure the others stay alive because you want them to live, its a sad sad cycle but its kept us alive...barely...theres been close calls with all of us lmfao and its kinda hard to worry about keeping 4 ppl alive...but we are still so THATS GOTTA COUNT

 and its okay to not be okay, but you arent wrong or bad or broken and you are definitely not a burden especially on the days where mustering a grin is impossible, anyone expecting you to be happy all the time only wants the joyous you, and in that case they dont deserve the joyous you anyways

HEY WHATEVER keeps you going as little and as dumb as it may seem or sound, it isn’t, I remember I would only get out of bed because I told myself “I have to wash my face” AND ITS GOOD you have these groups to keep you afloat and if you’re looking for some good laughs I suggest watching Cow Chop because they make me laugh every day anD ITS NICE...theyre fucking funny haha 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT3myJSvQlU&list=PLh9wof0uUEewSqGIiU1cLB0o-9VpcDqZl&index=38

i recommend starting with these videos and amazon primetime because it will acclimate you to the main two who make up cow chop and i linked you to one of my favs I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM unless you already know them I STILL HOPE YU LIKE THEM

that being said youre doing well, you’re doing very well and I am sorry its hurting because its a terrible feeling and it doesnt go away, it probably never does end altogether as small as you may be able to push it down thats why I want to make sure when the boygroups disband you have something, I dont want to risk a shock to the system when you wake up and go WHAT DO I HAVE...I HAVE NOTHING....ITS NOT LIKELY because interests do change and you do find things but to make sure that doesnt happen all I can really do is offer you my unwavering support and love, any method of contact thats good for you is good for me IDK WHY MY TUMblr didnt show i had messages for like two days but yours actually dinged on my phone which is how i sAW I HAD SOME.... so hopefully they ding on my phone still and i will be able to get to you ASAP but if you need my facebook for messenger or my number so i can be there quicker you can also send me a dm and ill get you those AND IF YOU CAN try and do something small for the you in the future, I know its hard to think about future you when present you doesnt even wanna exist BUT future you is coming and they will thank you, I screwed my future self over so many times and now present me is like youre a real dumbfuck so LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES LOL but forgetting i guess is good, I GUESS...cos its what i do like im happy until i remember then im like ah...yes..BUT THEN im worried its avoiding the problem so IDK if thats healthy or not BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO....ill let you know if i know

ANYWAYS good luck, I am rooting for you, I love you so dearly and I care so much about you and I hope one day I get a message saying im happy im here