#i have ocd so bad it just makes me think everything i make is cringe and sucky and idk what to do u_u

[liliotl]

Spent 7 hours on this fsr

[seventh-district]

several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold

[savethegrishaverse]

Something I think isn't talked about enough is the representation of what gambling really is vs. what it feels like. Ding ding ding it's a character essay.

We see gambling in movies like James Bond, Last Holiday, Limitless, and even in heist movies like Oceans 8. I'm sure there are a million other examples that could be listed here. Also I've never actually seen Oceans 8 so if there isn't actually gambling in it lol that's awkward.

But I think it's just as important when we see what gambling addiction is, and how addiction affects everything around you. On paper, I can say I know what gambling addiction means, but it's hard to truly understand the gravity of what living with a gambling addiction is like. That's why seeing it represented (ideally represented well) in stories helps bridge that gap.

Watching characters like Gi-hun from Squid Games and Jesper Fahey from Six of Crows, we see characters who actively have gambling addictions and how it caused their suffering.

Every decision they make, both the good and more importantly the bad, you can follow and understand when given the context of their addiction. They're both very earnest and kindhearted people who are quick to make decisions (impulsive, one could say) and that need to gamble when the stakes are high causes actual consequences in the story. It makes the reader/watcher upset because we know why they did it, and we know they didn't intend to hurt the people around them or themselves, but they did anyway and they can't take it back now. We understand their motivations, their fears, their wants and desires, and as the audience we can relate to them on a more personal level because everyone has times where they can't help themselves. But, we as the audience can also come to understand why gambling addictions ruin lives. We can see where Gi-hun's or Jesper's addictions directly cause their grief or their pain, and when they put forth effort to change and understand those addictions we can feel pride in them.

This (taps my screen for emphasis) this is why it's important to have characters in media that struggle.

As cringe as it sounds, because I watched Squid Games and because I read Six of Crows/Crooked Kingdom I can honestly admit that I am kinder. I am more likely to stop and listen and think about the people around me and why they ended up how they did. I am more cautious, but I also make a harder effort to leave everywhere I go even just slightly better than I found it. Now this isn't to say everyone all the time is always going through life with the best of intentions. The worst characters you can think of are just as inspired by real life as the best characters. Some people don't want to get better, and they don't care about the consequences of their actions.

But seeing a queer, emotionally lost, well-intentioned POC farm boy with a quick mouth and a habit of getting in trouble struggle with an addiction that he is learning to cope with makes me feel more seen in return. Hearing Jesper's struggles and hearing how desperate he was to do good and despite that sometimes he still did something bad anyway in turn makes him more compelling. Seeing Gi-hun actively work to do good when faced with the worst circumstances makes me feel good and I feel in a bizarre way seen when I am doing the same small good. And it feels real. It makes addiction feel more grounded, in a way, and gives it a more tangible shape in my head. And that shape in turn helps me empathize with people I wouldn't ordinarily understand. It makes me feel more accountable of my own actions, and it makes me feel less lonely to know I have characters like Jesper and Gi-hun to relate to. Granted, I don't struggle with a gambling addiction, but I do struggle with anxiety and OCD. I am plagued with impulses I can't help and I have to fight hard to control them so I can live my life. I can sometimes have the best of intentions and still end up in a giant (metaphorical) dumpster fire of a situation anyway completely because of the decisions I made in the process.

Addiction has a million faces. Mental health problems can rear up in anyone's shadow. You never can fully know what weighs on a person or why they act the way they do. And because of that, characters who struggle in that same way will always be important because they both teach us that intangible shape we may not yet know and simultaiously provide stories for suffering people to hold onto when they need it.

TLDR Netflix CEOs stop letting all your decisions be motivated by capitalism/greed. You are entirely missing the point of the stories you are telling. Stop cancling shows when they have genuinely good characters and good ideas, and stop overworking a production just because it is successful. Slow the fuck down already and make genuinely thought out decisions.

Also if you haven't seen Squid Games yet it's a great (but devestating) watch. If you (somehow) haven't read Six of Crows/Crooked Kingdom yet it is unironically one of the greatest duologies I've ever read.

[cringelordofchaos]

welcome. I like your shoelaces.

And Your Rat's Eggs. •

Salutations, earthlings (or non-earthlings)! I don't know what you're doing here but beware for you are coming in for a ride! The only problem is the driver never went through a single driving lesson so don't blame me if we crash!

Beware, as this blog may include many depictions and discussions of unreality, swearing, death, trauma, ableism, racism, and more. At times I forget to tag these potentially triggering topics.

Yes, I had indeed attempted to make an introductory post! It heavily pains me to write this all, given my distinguished and embarrassing personality, but on this boat we strive to not care! Cringe culture is dead and I'm coming for your pancreas and brain tissue if you so dare to disagree.

So, without further ado!

x DNI x

if you're a bigot in any way (queerphobic, n@zi, racist, sexist, ableist, generally discriminatory, etc etc)

also this isn't really a dni criteria but pls don't behave inappropriately when interacting with me, keep it at a joke level maximum, I value my comfort over your pleasure

x NICKNAMES x

I am fine with anything you so dare to call me, be it a regular name or a homophobic slur. I quite frankly don't give a shit. However, nicknames I most prefer amount to DOMINO, TOKI and GOBLIN !!

x MY POSITION IN THE ALPHABET SOUP x

I am fine with any pronouns, though in terms of preferences I do gravitate towards they/them more than anything else. Everything else is irrelevant, but I am queer, and I don't think I make it subtle (?).

- https://en.pronouns.page/@CringeLordOfChao - my pronouns page

x FANDOMS/INTERESTS/GENERAL FAVES x

(I'm not as into some of these fandoms as I am in others, for example i barely know crap about Moomintroll I only sometimes watch some scenes of it on yt as a comfort show and I still listed it here, you can ask me about specific fandoms and how much I'm into them)(bold text = obsessed/into it enough to the point of being capable of infodumping about it/having a decent amount of opinions on it/having a conversation about it) (nvm idek anymore just ask me if I'm interested in it or not atm)

Video games: Skyrim, OMORI, BAD END THEATER, her tears were my light, Adventures with Anxiety!, Sonic The Hedgehog (general), Parappa The Rapper, Parappa The Rapper 2, Um Jammer Lammy, Minecraft, MineCraft StoryMode, Duolingo, Pokémon (general), Pizza Tower, Amanda The Adventurer, Cuphead, Word Trip, UNDERTALE. Tomadachi Life, ROBLOX,

Roblox games: Flicker, my eyes deceive, Adopt Me!, Royale High, Sonic Pulse RP, Horse Valley, Rate My Avatar, Speed Run 4, copyrighted artists, Pyrite Adventure, Wolves Life, Total Roblox Drama, Murder Island 2, Sonic World Adventure,

Neurodivergence (such as, but not limited to): Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Bipolar Personality Disorder (BPD), Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FASD), Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD), Down Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), etc etc

Animated series: The Music Freaks, hfjONE, The Owl House, Amphibia, Sonic Prime, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Parappa The Rapper, Sonic X, AVM Shorts, The Loud House, The Casagrandes, Legend of Korra, Pokémon, Total Drama (Island/general), Willcraft's Monster School, LEGO Ninjago, Spirit Riding Free, Moomintroll (2017), DuckTales (2017), My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic, The Cuphead Show, Sonic Boom, The Amazing World Of Gumball, Kipo And The Age Of Wonderbeasts,

Non-animated shows: Stranger Things, Umbrella Academy, Dark, Only Fools And Horses, The Modern Family, Sesame Street,

Comics: Sonic The Hedgehog (IDW)

Animated movies: Sonic The Hedgehog (1996)/Sonic OVA, The Last Guest, Nimona, The Lego Movie, Equestria Girls (all parts), Moana,

Non-animated movies: Sonic The Hedgehog + Sonic The Hedgehog 2 [i guess, I feel obliged to like it since I'm a sonic fan], Avatar, Alpha,

Webcomics (all available on WEBTOON!): Blooming Season, The Last Dimension, Unfamiliar, Jackson's Diary, North Korean Kid, Heartstopper, Is chair still in the park?, Ghost Eyes, Meow Are You?, The Recloseted Lesbian, War and Tea, Hyperfocus, Erma, Emmy The robot, Post Harbor, Spellward Bound, The Little Trashmaid, Of Aliens And Cacti, MAX has AUTISM, Hollow Kid, Aurora Borealis, Always Human, Will There Be A Tomorrow? (H), High Class Homos, Everything Is Fine, Home Sweet Ghost, Notumare, Heartstopper,

Books: The Name Of This Book Is Secret (all 5 parts), Hobbit, Ana, Teo, Warrior Cats (general),

Music creators: Radiohead, Rex Orange County, Laufey, bo en, Jack Stauber, Jay Vincent, Kaden Mackay, Olivia Rodrigo, if I was 9 again the only person on this list would be Alan Walker (I don't care about his music anymore), Pink Floyd, liana flores, Your Favorite Martian,

Gacha Stories: Boy With Bad Luck, Girl With Good Luck, The Music Freaks episodes 1-11, Shy Family, Shy Family PART 2, Lesbian Liar part 1-5, A Walking Disaster, Fated Sisters, A Beautiful Tragedy, The Mute Tomboy, literally anything made by Hxnnah rlly,

Favorite YouTubers: Flamingo, RosyClozy, TheOdd1sOut, Illymation, Hxnnah, [Brii Studios UwU], Cypopps, Emzii, NerdyArty, Marikyuun, ExtraRosy, WowzaDawg, foster on the spectrum, Behind The Meme, LilyTrescot SMP, JaidenAnimations, Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, Ice Cream Sandwich, How To ADHD, LesbianMindflayer,

Favorite Tumblr blogs (not including mutuals srry xx): @/oneeyedleaf, @/nerdyarty, @/tmf-confessions (technically a mutual), @/i-say-ok, @/sonicshipbattles, @/uncharismatic-fauna, @/official-boob-posts, @/identifying-horses-in-posts, @/sonicthehedgehog, @/inthetags, @/notumare (tech a mutual), @/your-blorbos-are-queer, @/the-owl-house-takes, @/incognitopolls, @/my-autism-adhd-blog. @/hot-take-tournament, @/haveyouseenthismovie-poll, @/aita-blorbos, @/oc-aita, @/jagged--dust-jacket-analysis (also tech a mutual), @/hero-deserves-to-be-happy, @/just-a-blog-for-polls, @/thistmfcharacteris, @/sonicapproves, @/lordystrange, @/aphantimes, @/neurotypical-sonic, @/fishyfishyfishtimes. @/adhd-sonic-the-hedgehog, @/obelisart, @/queeradhdcultureis, @/pd-culture-is, @/content-free, @/starscatteredsky, @/hero-deserves-to-be-happy,

Miscellaneous: zoology, drawing, using Picrew, ninjas, goblins, parallels in writing (this obsession is eating me alive I swear I'll literally analyze my events as if they're fictional and I'll draw parallels between them and my favorite fandoms/past events pls send help), daydreaming, dust, media analysis, character analysis, calculators, singing, mushrooms, weirdcore, goblincore, sociology, vocabulary, MBTI,

Languages (both real and fictional)(I only actually know some of these)(still learning): ninjargon, dovahzul, spanish, japanese, serbian, english, na'vi,

Things I'm planning to get into : Zoology, crocheting, Terraria, The Lego Movie: The Sequel, The Wilds, Warrior Cats, crafting, Nimona (comic), Notumare, The Mechanisms, Dark, Inscryption, The Adventure Zone, DELTARUNE, Teen Wolf, Solitaire, Sonic X, Good Omens, Voltron, The Amazing Digital Circus, Steven Universe, Oblivion, Star Vs The Forces Of Evil, MineCraft StoryMode, Percy Jackson, the pink corruption,

My own stories/Fanfiction plots: ghost!SUNNY AU (OMORI), Mob Academy (Minecraft fanfic), Carla and Silvia, omori!Hanahaki AU (OMORI), Flicker fanfic, HOLLOW HEART, (feel free to ask about any of these!!!)

Things I plan to get into again: MLP;FiM, Ninjago,

x KIN/FAV CHAR LIST x

(bold text = absolute fave!!)

TMF - Jake Sterling, Millicent Brooks, Drew, Lia, Sean Everett, Daisy,

ST - William Byers, Eleven/Jane Hopper/Byers, Jonathan Byers, Robin Buckley, Joyce Byers, Lucas Sinclair, Dustin Henderson, Kali Prasad,

PTR - Jammer Lammy, Parappa The Rapper, Katy Kat

STH - Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles Tails Prower The Fox, Mimic The Octopus, Whisper The Wolf, Sticks The Jungle Badger, Amy Rose The Echidna-Rascal (personal hc),

TOH - Luz Noceda, Agustus Porter, Edalyn Clawthorne, King Clawthorne, Lilith Clawthorne, Philip Whittebane/Belos (do not excuse his actions whatsoever), Enzo Gabriel The Collector

Amphibia - Marcy Wu, Sprig Planters

OMORI - KEL/KELSEY, OMORI, SUNNY, MARI, THE MAVERICK/MIKHAEL, PESSI, CAPT. SPACEBOY,

SS - SpongeBob SquarePants

Minecraft - Creeper, The Ender Dragon, Herobrine, Enderman, Wolf, Fox, The Wither

RBLX Flicker - Eduardo, Rita, Mikah, Amethyst, Adora, Amani

TMNT - Michelangelo!!

TLH - Luna Loud, Lincoln Loud, Lenni Loud, Lucy Loud, Clyde ??

TD(I) - Noah, Izzy, Dawn, Ezekiel

Ninjago - Jay Walker, Nya, Zane Julien, Akita,

WEBTOON TLD - Alex Hill, Phillip Maxwell, Anne Marie De Delle

x SHIP LIST x

[character] x no one = I like the interpertation of said character being aroace/just not dating anyone in general. (Bold text)= otp

OMORI - suntan, sunflower, heromari, goldrush, sunburn, photobomb, KEL x no one, herobowen, etc

STH - blazamy, whispangle, sonknux, sonadow, sonic x no one, kittails, amy x no one, stickmy, sticknux (but in a very specific modern sth way), sticks x no one, sonjet, shadisper, etc

TMF - ooo boy... milliot, jailey, hailia, drake, laisy, saisy, dailia, dadie, jaisy, jenry, drew x no one, drakailey, henriam, ladie/salia, platonic draisy, platonic henria, more xx

PTR - sunny x no one, parappa x matt, parappa x pj berri, parappa x no one, etc

Ninjago - lava, plasma, techno, jaya, bruise, opposite, pixane, glacier, harumya (?), lloyd x no one, cole x no one, nya x no one, qp mud, etc

TD - noco, gwourtney, nowen, breoff, bfffls, dizzy,

WEBTOON TLD - alex x phillip, anne x

x ANIMALS I LIKE x (few are fictional) •

virgin island's dwarf gecko, blobfish, horses, roosters, unicorns, wolves, anglerfish, immortal jellyfish, lion mane's jellyfish, okapis, rats, reek stonefish, doves, pigeons, vultures, cats, echidnas, frogs, star nosed moles, naked mole rats, moths (they seek the light which only further strays them away from life, the truth), spiders, rock doves, blue jaya tongue skinks, australian ghostsharks, aye-ayes, goblin sharks, dragons, whatever the fuck atla's momo is, lemurs, squirrels, flying squirrels, capybaras, OMG I JUST FOUND OUT FLYING LEMURS ACTUALLY EXIST THEYRE CALLED colugos, gerenuks, jabirus, jaguarundis, japanese spider crabs, jerboas, pangolins, potoos, thorny devils, snakes, black cats, vampire squids, northern stargazer,

x TAGS x

ghost!sunny au, >:], to do list, omori!hanahaki au, important, urgent, rb, asks, animalsss, others art, others writing, vent? like among us?, I am not funny, byliner, house design inspo, minecraft fanfic inspo, mari appreciation 💜, sean appreciation, fictional birthday, music, rb, tickposting, mari wheelchair au, serbian shit, carla and silvia, my oc, my ocs, my story, mob academy, hollow heart, 🎩🕊️, 🎩🕊️ • ❓, my polls, polls, 🎩🕊️ • ✉️, 🎩🕊️ • 📜, 🎩🕊️ • 🪬, 🐀🥚, me on anon, freakblr colour war, hailey hair controversy, freakblr colour war 2, freakblr colour war ii, mecoded, cringe confession of the day, gay screenshot collection, my top posts,flicker webseries preparations, hyper-cis, freakblr lore, my mom watches tmf, into the rosyverse, background-chan,

x TAGS FOR FANDOMS x (aka fandom acronyms) •

omori, tmf, st, go, ptr, sth, avm shorts, atla, rblx, amphibia, yfm, etc (if a franchise has 2 words or more when I reblog posts about that franchise the fandom tags I'll use for them will be exclusively the acronyms even if it isn't most preferred)

<°•×•°>

9.1,13.19,15,18,18,25°

My life will end incomplete! ~~××

(I'll try updating this later)

(this is like the tenth time doing this, I'm only capable of making intro posts in ONE RUN I guess, I am in pain, sjkdcie)

xxOTHER NOTES:

I occasionally post pretty angsty, overwhelmingly negative, and at times violently suggestive vent content here. If you do not like that, please filter the tag #vent? like among us?

I might have depression and/or adhd so that's probably gonna mess up my life and social interactions ummm (I'm a sensitive individual so please don't be too harsh)

I sometimes draw, don't expect it to look good though. You can request any prompt !!

My Roblox accounts are FinVanzahDovahKiin and stejsi_079 !!

My DeviantArt account is Unoriginal Creator !!

Even though I had formerly stated that this blog may contain triggering themes (even though I can't quite recall much triggering posts/reblogs I have on here??) this blog is mostly silly, it's just me being me

I have a lot of TMF mutuals, we have a lot of inside jokes that may not make any form of sense to outsiders

Even though I had also stated I have my own fanfiction ideas I like, I have not written any of them down and God knows when I will.

I need to spend less time on the internet for the sake of my health

My YouTube account is [InsertUnoriginalNameHere] !! (I've deleted 90% of my former content. Also most of my videos on there are like 2 years because I stopped posting after my parents found out it existed)

I have an alt account @freakblr-lore !! Studying the lore of tmf but mostly the subculture of freakblr

I also have a tmf Sean Everett rp/ask blog called @mr-broom !

I ALSO have a tmf Daisy rp/ask blog called @x-daisy-x !

There's also another one @hailey-i-guess

Another one @xjaded-sadiex

I'm disappointed in myself. I made an rp/ask blog for an entirely irrelevant background character. What the fuck. @background-bg-chan

IM PLANNING TO MAKE A ROBLOX FLICKER WEBSERIES!!! Posts related to it will be tagged "flicker webseries preparations".

There's an Elliot one now too!! @xx0blooming-orchid0xx

@sussy-albertaretz-core my fan blog for the Roblox YouTuber flamingo

please ask me anything about any of my interests

[selchwife]

i am thinking about rewriting inky!revas. again

i need to actually play veilguard so i can figure out how practical it is narratively to have inky and rook be the same person (probably not very) but if it's at all possible then i think it would be fun to draw more from pfeil's storyline and retcon inquisition so that he's like 16 or 17

i also think that would make more sense in terms of like...his motivation for attending the conclave and pretending to be trevelyan. like the more i think on it the more i think it's a profoundly impulsive teenage thing to do especially given revas is/would be a very alienated and isolated teenager who would be idolizing fucking anders of all people. recipe for disaster

i do also want to just redo everything with caius, i look back at some of the old plans i had for his backstory and kind of cringe. i know what i write is not usually as bad or insensitive as the ocd voice in my head tells me but i still think i would feel better with a clean slate. especially because now he doesn't have to fit into inquisition anymore since obviously an adult emet expy could not date a 17 year old boy

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya

[chaos-and-recover]

Moral OCD person here: somehow you posted an anon from the Larry Shipper. I am not a Larry Shipper but I got an ask from a Larry Shipper apologizing a couple weeks ago, and when I was scrolling through your blog (I don't follow you) I noticed you got an apology ask too which prompted my ask. The ask you ascribed to me is the exact same ask you got sent weeks ago from someone else. I sent you an ask saying smth like "this is for Larry Shipper bc you inspired me to wrote my own apologies bc I got one from you also bur I also want you to know you are not the only person who has done cringe shit." I am hella paraphrasing there. Idk how tumblr resent you an ask thst was sent by someone else weeks ago instead of the ask I sent you lol. I just don't want to accidentally take credit for an apology I didn't send or make anyone think I'm the same person as the Larry Shipper. Just to clarify things.

I just wanna say part of my therapy (I still have therapy even tho I am on medication) was engaging with trans HP fans, and listening WOTHOIT TALKING how they "make HP theirs ans disengage JKR from the material." At one point I had to sit at a mall and count how many people wore Beatles/Michael Jackson/HP shirts and repeat to myself "liking (thing) does not mean agreeing with every action (creator) does." A hard thing my therapist did was in a previous session he asked me to write a list if everything media i consumed. A few sessions later after I forgot he reamed me for supporting (horrible things) and I said wtaf?? And he goes "why is a grown man who knows better supporting these actions by consuming these medias?" Sounds harsh but it worked for me. I just wanna say part of my therapy (I still have therapy even tho I am on medication) was engaging with trans HP fans, and listening WOTHOIT TALKING how they "make HP theirs ans disengage JKR from the material." At one point I had to sit at a mall and count how many people wore Beatles/Michael Jackson/HP shirts and repeat to myself "liking (thing) does not mean agreeing with every action (creator) does." A hard thing my therapist did was in a previous session he asked me to write a list if everything media i consumed. A few sessions later after I forgot he reamed me for supporting (horrible things) and I said wtaf?? And he goes "why is a grown man who knows better supporting these actions by consuming these medias?" Sounds harsh but it worked for me.

Idk I am not a professional bur I think what I want to say to others is that if you are ever legitimately angry because someone likes a show or reads a book or listens to a music no matter how problematic you deem it, if you genuinely believe you can tell someone is a bad person or get angry or demand people stop watching or reading it or listening to it, you need to evaluate yourself and take a step back. Yes, even HP/South Park/Michael Jackson. It does not matter. If you ever think you can know someone's personal beliefs or their personality based on the media they consume, it's time to take a step back. There are no shortcuts to knowing how a person "truly is." And if you ever find yourself acting against people and justifying it with "they like bad media" it doesn't matter how justified you feel. Take a step back and get help. Healthy people do not hurt others and justify that abuse with "they deserve it."

My bad, the Larry shipper asks are still floating in my inbox because of the way I've posted these, and I had issues getting the set of your asks to post so when I went to re-do it I must've started at one of those instead. Woops!

Anyway I'm really glad to hear you've found effective therapy. And this is very good advice for people here because yeah... there's a LOT of discourse all the time on this damn site about whether or not liking ~problematic~ media makes you a bad person. Of course it doesn't! So definitely, get help if someone else's media preferences are causing you distress, because they shouldn't.

You can also just like. Ignore that person. You can even block them if you feel like you need to, just don't make it their problem, and find someone to talk to about WHY you feel that way.

[hismercytomyjustice]

God, on the panel on OCD and Perfectionism this morning, one of the panelists was talking about how he used to massively over-prepare for public speaking engagements. Until one day his mentor saw his meticulous notes for his presentation, offered to help him, and then ripped them up and threw them away in front of him.

First of all, I would have fucking died. But it worked for him! I get why, it was about giving himself permission to not be perfect. To be human and to fuck up! To know one bad or meh presentation wasn’t the end of the world!

They also had everyone fill out this chart together of words ranging from “total failure” to “great,” showing all the words in between like “fair” and “good enough” to highlight how everything isn’t 100% failure or 100% perfection.

It was definitely eye opening! And also terrifying!

But I am trying very hard to lean into it. Even if it makes me want to peel my fucking skin off!

I second guess just about every single fucking thing in my life and it’s fucking exhausting. Yay, OCD! It keeps trying to creep back into my writing again too.

Some super fun spirals have been “you wasted your time writing this, no one will read it,” “your replies to comments are too long, people are going to think you’re cringe and psychotic and will wise up and stop reading and commenting on your shit because you make them uncomfortable,” “you’ll never be as good/attain as wide a reach as this/that writer,” “what’s the point of writing fanfic, it’s not real writing,” “you’re never going to get something original published and that makes you a failure,” etc etc etc.

Yeaaah definitely gonna be bringing up my perfectionism issues in my next therapy session. Because I’m realizing it’s causing issues in so fucking many areas of my life, not just writing.

Like “if I don’t exercise this much this many days a week, I’m not doing it right and that’s as bad as not doing it at all,” “I can’t do x because if I don’t do y too, i won’t see enough progress and y will just keep stressing me out,” “I just need the perfect routine and everything will magically fix itself,” etc etc etc.

I am the mayor of Analysis Paralysis Town. And I have so much shit in my life on hold right now out of a visceral fear of not doing it perfectly, not doing enough, not being perceived as competent enough, scaring people off by not masking/not being “normal” enough, etc etc etc.

I am trying very hard to reduce my masking and to be truer to myself whether or not it makes me come across as cringe or weird or desperate or whatever. I just want to get to better know myself and to actually be my authentic self, whatever the fuck that is. And god it is THE FUCKING WORST but it is also SO FUCKING FREEING.

Ugh, I hate it, but I know it’s good for me.

BUT I HATE IT!

[m-y-fandoms]

1 Thing I Love & 1 Thing I Hate About EVERY Danganronpa Character Part 1

Part 2

SPOILERS FOR ALL THREE MAIN GAMES

I’d love to hear our opinions as well in the comments or my inbox or DM’s! If you try this trend with DR characters, tag me!

Sayaka Maizono

♡ Her passion for her career and friends.

✘ The way she tries to screw over Makoto when the game had just begun. Like wait and see what happens before screwing over such a great guy? Leon didn’t deserve it either.

Leon Kuwata

♡ His voice actor (English), and how real and human his execution was in that we all would be so scared and irrational. It was just so iconic and sad as it’s our first introduction to the death in this series and we all think: “shit, this is real... they are really killing these kids.” I didn’t think it would be that brutal, just seeing his body limp at the end with the haunting music.

✘ His design is disgusting. I hate how he looks.

Chihiro Fujisaki

♡ So innocent, so kind, so intelligent

✘ Shouldn’t have been killed for such a stupid reason, also they did Mondo dirty with that motive for killing as well. Just a mess. As for the actual character, Chihiro cries right off the bat when you do your introductions and that was kind of annoying to me personally.

Mondo Oowada

♡ He has a lot of respect, understanding and emotions for someone I thought would be a hard-ass douche biker.

✘ The worst motive to kill ever in a game where you know you’re getting executed if you’re found out. Like you’d be extra careful and that’s his reason to kill? Lazy writing.

Celestia Ludenberg

♡ Bad bitch energy and her goth lolita design.

✘ Manipulation and double murder. Bad bitch energy only goes so far. Confidence is different then selfishness. Also, of all the chapter 3 triple murders... the worst motive to kill.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru

♡ Emotions: secure in his masculinity, able to cry, show emotions, and apologize when he’s wrong. He’s funny and likable.

✘ The Ishimondo white hair thing was stupid. Taka was fine on his own.

Hifumi Yamada

♡ Writing takes talent, fan fiction as much as any other style or genre. Also the talent of his voice actor (who also voices Kiibo/K1-B0).

✘ Literally everything else about him.

Sakura Oogami

♡ I love everything about her. I love her wisdom, loyalty, design, voice etc. Just step on me, mother.

✘ Why the hell would she ever agree to be a spy even if it meant the end of her dojo? I just don’t think she would do that rationally because she isn’t selfish. The others would suffer for her spying. She remedies this with redemption in her letter in chapter 4 but still she should’ve said no off the bat. Everyone had something to lose. The dojo wasn’t worth spying for monokuma. Also I just don’t think she would commit suicide. She can’t help the remaining students survive and redeem herself truly if she’s dead.

Kyoko Kirigiri

♡ Bad bitch energy, calm and collected when I could never be.

✘ Especially in future arc of the anime, damn can you show some emotion please? Through your words and expressions not just your actions. Sure she was willing to “die” for Makoto but like I just want more emotion from her sometimes, even in THH.

Makoto Naegi

♡ So pure. I Love Bryce Papenbrook. Makoto reminds me of Sora and I love his design.

✘ In THH I didn’t mind his innocence but in the Danganronpa 3 future arc anime, when people started straight up abusing him and accusing him, he needed to grow a little backbone.

Byakuya Togami

♡ Love my dad, king shit, also love how over the progression of the games and animes he becomes a little more kind to his friends.

✘ Why the fuck did he mess with Chihiro’s body? Just so cruel and disrespectful.

Yasuhiro Hagakure

♡ Funny magic man. Sexy voice.

✘ Please. Please Hiro use your brain just once. Why do we have to prove Kyoko isn’t a ghost?!

Toko Fukawa

♡ Character development in UDG and I love Genocider.

✘ Putting down herself and others constantly gets old in THH.

Aoi Asahina

♡ Love her voice actress and her personality

✘ We really just gonna get everyone killed in chapter 4 huh? Surely you know they don’t all deserve that.

Junko Enoshima

♡ A very memorable villain with great hair and design.

✘ I just can’t stand her. I hate her so much.

Mukuro Ikusaba

♡ Her mercenary background is super cool as a concept.

✘ Too bad it wasn’t explored nearly enough.

Hajime Hinata

♡ Seeing the protagonist be a little less naive, innocent and positive than Makoto was a refreshing change, although I loved Makoto. I liked Hajime’s cynicism and expressions that sometimes just screamed “this shit again, huh?”

✘ I enjoy the way Izuru looks but I hate him as a character. He is sexy to look at but Hajime is just a better character overall

Teruteru Hanamura

♡ His love for his family and mother especially is so cute and heart breaking if you know the full story.

✘ He needs to know when to dial it back and quit with the perversions. And no it’s not just how he looks, Miu needs to chill at times, too.

Twogami

♡ I feel like he genuinely cares about his friends, just hides it well

✘ His death felt like a cop out and poorly written. It just didn’t sit right with me. Also his design is disgusting to me, his outfit and such.

Mahiru Koizumi

♡ Loyal to her close friends.

✘ I just have no interest in her as a character and I find her boring.

Peko Pekoyama

♡ Loyalty. Loyalty is something I value very highly in every form of relationship. Peko is also very hot.

✘ Come on girl... I know how you were raised but you should’ve known Fuyuhiko didn’t think of you as just a tool and you two should’ve expressed your true feelings long ago. Like even in secret. How do you live like this? Also I feel like killing Mahiru could’ve been avoided with a calm talk.

Ibuki Mioda

♡ Cute design, positive vibes.

✘ Cringe sometimes in the way she talks.

Hiyoko Saionji

♡ Beautiful character design and some very good insults and snarky remarks at times.

✘ Just irredeemably mean and annoying. Even when you do her free time events she is just so annoying.

Mikan Tsumiki

♡ I like her design as well as her hair, expressions, sprites and clothing.

✘ I hate her. I just hate her whether she’s in her true psycho form or timid stuttering form. She’s just annoying in my opinion.

Nekomaru Nidai

♡ So supportive, can hold my drink at a party. Respects everyone and wants the best for them.

✘ Bro Mechamaru was a stupid plot point. I just couldn’t stand looking at him and couldn’t take it seriously. Still sad when he died though.

Chiaki Nanami

♡ From chapter 5 of sdr2 on she is impossible not to love if you didn’t already. Just the selflessness, the sadness of the reveal and execution, how she returns to help Hajime at the end???? I love her. I love her hair design, color palette, her personality, everything.

✘ I’m bitter and miserable about her being the only class member to actually die (the despair arc anime) also her falling asleep at random times is kind of odd and she doesn’t seem to be like that later on in the game??? Like it seemed like a cheap joke but not actually who she is? Hard for me to explain.

Gundham Tanaka

♡ King shit, couldn’t praise him enough. He’s sexy, loves animals, and is funny as hell sometimes. His voice actor is a saint and a cool dude and I named my guinea pigs after the Dark Devas (yes I know they are hamsters in the games.)

✘ Come on dude. I get that being from Hell and magic and having evil powers is your shtick, but we all know that you and Nekomaru sacrificed yourselves so the others wouldn’t starve. We know you care about your classmates. There comes a time when it’s time to let personas and facades fade and be true to your heart. I just feel like him denying he cared at the end hurt. We all know he cared. I didn’t like how he was haughty until the end. He deserved better. I love him.

Nagito Komaeda

♡ I love him so much. So cunning and intelligent, always a step ahead. And he’s big sexy.

✘ Him killing himself in chapter 5 hurt me so bad I was like in denial for days. Also hate how Bryce Papenbrook gives him a raspy stoner psycho voice in the game then a light airy higher-pitched voice in the despair arc anime. It just bothers me. I love his voice still but the inconsistency just hurts my OCD

Sonia Nevermind

♡ I love that she’s so interested in her passions and love her feelings for Gundham

✘ Her outfit and bow are atrocious. Also why didn’t she start liking and talking to Gundham sooner on? Their romance bloomed late and it would’ve made for a better chapter 4 ending if they were a bit closer.

Kazuichi Souda

♡ Cool design and outfit, love his voice (also voices Kaito in V3) and his backstory is relatable at times. He’s also very human in that he’s scared a lot of the time or insecure or blames others in panicked situations. It’s not always a good thing but it’s human and realistic.

✘ Gosh he can be so annoying. Sometimes flirting or whining too much is well... too much.

Akane Owari

♡ Strong-willed and definitely someone I would be friends with

✘ What the hell is her outfit? Gymnasts and athletes don’t wear that shit. Stop objectifying her when it doesn’t even make the product or plot better. Like there’s absolutely no point to making her dress that way. I was a gymnast for 15 years. Even those who do parkour (which Akane seems to do more often than actual gymnastics in the anime and game) don’t wear what she wears. Also she’s underrated.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu

♡ I love him. He’s the DR character I’m most like out of all the games and anime. Tenko is a close second. I think he’s adorable, love his character arc, development, redemption, and love his voice.

✘ In the anime/despair arc, Fuyuhiko is not done justice. He doesn’t get enough lines, has a different voice actor, just doesn’t give off the same vibes.

Izuru Kamakura

♡ Sexy man long hair good.

✘ Boring character. I wish he were just Hajime.

Kaede Akamatsu

♡ Loyalty and leadership are such attractive qualities in her. Also she faced her death with such class and dignity and I respect her because I could never.

✘ Some of the voice lines Erika does for her are just weird and cringe. Just random moans or grunts... I don’t know it’s like when Ann Takamaki from Persona 5 (also voiced by Erika) makes suggestive noises as well. Just grinds my gears. Also hate her outfit down to the hair pins.

Shuichi Saihara

♡ I love his nasally voice. I love his design and he’s so adorable. I love how emotional and compassionate he can be. He ties with Makoto for favorite protag of mine.

✘ That sprite where he sniffs his hand. And his ugly ass hat.

Rantarou Amami

♡ Sexy man, sexy voice, sexy piercings

✘ Ugly outfit, and wasted potential

Ryoma Hoshi

♡ I respect him and feel bad for his outlook on life and for how poorly he views himself. I love his little hat as well and he’s the first “different styled” character (Hifumi, Bandai, Teruteru) that I liked the design of.

✘ I hate when he says “got a long ways to go,” it’s overused and annoying, and wish he gave himself more credit. Also hate that when you first meet him he warns you that he’s killed people and is dangerous to be around. Come on buddy, you know you wouldn’t hurt your friends. Stop pushing them away.

Kirumi Tojo

♡ Competence, well rounded, skillful

✘ Boring as hell. I wouldn’t waste one free time event on her.

Angie Yonaga

♡ Dark skin, super cute, love her talent as an artist myself.

✘ Gives religious people a bad name and is super manipulative which I hate.

Tenko Chabashira

♡ I relate to her and feel bad when she’s misunderstood. She’s a good person deep down. Also love her sprites.

✘ There’s more cunning, funny and clever ways to write her digs at men.

Korekiyo Shunguuji

♡ I’m in love with this man. Long hair, voice, mystery, mask, intelligence, passion, talent.

✘ He definitely was a victim of abuse and a lot of people refuse to see that and just hate him. Team Danganronpa should’ve given him a redemption arc where he realized his sister abused him and changed.

Gonta Gokuhara

♡ I love his design except for his suit. Also he’s so cute and naive. I cried for his trail.

✘ No need talk like caveman. Better way to do this.

Kokichi Ouma

♡ Like Nagito, I value his intelligence and crazy cunning.

✘ Shouldn't have died. Also shouldn’t have manipulated Gonta. That was just cruel.

Miu Iruma

♡ She has her hilarious moments and her death surprised me and was sad.

✘ Sometimes she lacks basic empathy, i.e. calling Tenko “Tencrotch” when she just fucking died.

Maki Harukawa

♡ Amazing character development. Didn’t see her surviving until the end at the start. Also her love and passion for Kaito.

✘ “Do you wanna die?” gets old.

Kaito Momota

♡ Just the overall best bro you could ever have.

✘ Has some toxic masculinity issues and anger issues.

K1-B0

♡ Pretty much everything about him. His design, his attitude and personality, especially how amazing and cool he is chapter 5 onward, his execution made me so sad. He’s so innocent and funny without trying.

✘ When you do his free time events he’s very arrogant and just talks about himself a lot... it seems odd and not similar to the Kiibo we see throughout the game.

Himiko Yumeno

♡ Super cute design, love her voice and “Nyeh...” and her sprites. Her character development is great as well.

✘ Why did they take so long to make her important and likable?

Tsumugi Shirogane

♡ An excellent and well hidden reveal

✘ I hate her. So annoying, from the voice to the references and her personality.

[supercxrpschild]

hearts to heal

hi, please read this prior to reading the piece !

so, i wrote this over the last few days. I was not in a good place, and I needed to write something cathartic. I wrote this because I feel so utterly alone and to have not one, but 4 people care so deeply about you, to hold you, to comfort you, take care of you - I crave it more than anything. 

there is a trigger warning for self-harm. it is not romanticed, this isn’t a story of giving up. it’s a story of family and hope - but please do be aware that there is scenes depicting it. there is also mentions of OCD, anxiety and depression. 

please be kind about this work, as i wasn’t sure whether or not to share it. 

Word Count: 2146 (i think my longest yet? it kinda got away from me...)

Alex frowned at the text she just received. It was from your school alerting her that you had not turned up to your first class.

“Something the matter, Director?” Brainy queries, leaning across the desk.

Alex looks up, “hm?”

“Your face has contorted into a displeased expression.”

“Oh, sorry Brainy. It’s all good, it’s just y/n. She didn’t turn up at school.”

Brainy furrows his brows, “That would make it day number 4, wouldn’t it, Director Danvers?”

Alex thought for a minute - he was right. She had been so wrapped up in work that she couldn’t keep track of days. She didn’t realise this was the fourth day within a week that she had been alerted by the High School of your non-attendance. What else hadn’t she noticed?

“Dammit. Brainy, I’ve gotta go. Do you think you could cover for me today? I know we have a lot of stuff going on but-”

“I will be happy to assume your duties for today, Director.” Alex smiles gratefully as she moves to go grab her stuff and head home,

“Thank you Brainy, I owe you.”

Alex rushed to her car, bumping into Kara on the way.

“Alex? Where are you going?”

“Shit, I’m sorry Kara, I forgot about our lunch today.” Kara shook her head and held her sister’s wrist, “Don’t worry about that, what’s up?”

“It’s y/n, she hasn’t been going to school and I just, I’ve been so busy here and we’ve barely even caught each other. I’m going home to check on her, I’m just so worried Kara, what if something’s really wrong and I just never noticed?” Kara moved her hand, so it was now holding Alex’s, trying to ground her some.

“Hey, whatever’s going on, it’ll be okay. You had a lot on this week, with the President visiting and then those alien’s taking hostages downtown. Y/n and you have an understanding for when work becomes like this. It’ll be okay.” Alex nods, rubbing her free hand across her face. “Now go get home to your girl, okay? And call me if you need anything. I’m with Lena tonight, but we can both come if need be.”

Alex thanked her sister again and then drove home, her heart beating out of her chest as she climbed the stairs to both of your apartment.

“Y/n?! Y/n, honey I got a text from the school – they said you weren’t there.” Alex called out as she dropped her bags.

“Y/n?” Alex looked around, everything was off and untouched.

As she walked around the apartment, she ran her hand through her hair, messing it from the slicked back style she had put it in a few hours before.

She walked into your room, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw your curled up in bed asleep. She debated for a moment on whether to wake you up or not, eventually going over and sitting by you, rubbing your arm softly.

“Mom?” you mumbled sleepily,

“Yeah honey.” You blinked the sleep out of your eyes,

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Alex said, her hand now moving the brush the hair from your face.

You shifted uncomfortably. It had been a good week of being able to hide everything from your mom, but it was never going to last forever.

“Y/n?, you wanna tell me why you haven’t been going to school?” You shook your head and tried to snuggle back down into your covers.

Alex moved so you were facing her again after turning away,

“Y/n, I’m so sorry I haven’t been here. But I’m here now and I need you to tell me what’s going on.” Your mom’s gentle hand threaded through your hair, though she chose not to comment on the state of it.

“I’m fine mom.” Alex used her free hand to move your face towards her. Your eyes were sunken in, dark circles under them. Your face was red and splotchy, and you looked exhausted.

“Baby, I can tell right now that you are not fine, so out with it.”

Tears began welling up in your eyes. You couldn’t break now, not after hiding things for months and months. What would she do when she finds out? Probably send you away, probably hate you.

You pushed the tears away, swiping at them furiously. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“I know you don’t want to, y/n.”

“Then why won’t you leave me alone?!” Alex sat shocked; you had never raised your voice at her.

“Y/n- ”

“No! I don’t want help; I don’t need help. I am FINE.” You huffed and turned away.

Alex decided to give you a moment. A moment so she could think about what to do next. She didn’t want to force you to open up to her, because then it would lack genuineness and could damage the trust between you both. But she was so damn worried about you.

Within that minute that Alex had left you alone for, you managed to get past her and lock yourself in the bathroom – Alex only becoming aware when she heard the door shut.

“Dammit y/n.” She whispered to herself before knocking on the door.

“What mom!? Am I not allowed to pee alone anymore?!” You and her both knew that wasn’t what you were doing; and knowing your mom – a badass DEO agent – you had very limited time before the door was busted open.

You felt below the sink, pulling the blade from where you’d hidden it. Wasting no time, you slashed at your thighs, the relief immediate.

Right on time, Alex forced the door open.

“Oh baby.” You looked up at her, begging her not to get any closer. “Let’s put that down, alright y/n? Then we can get you cleaned up and talk.” You shook your head, feeling yourself become unwound.

“No, please. I just, I just need to do it two more times. It doesn’t work if its only once, please mom please.” Alex cringed slightly, how didn’t she notice that you had been on a downward spiral? That your OCD was coming back full force? That your eating habits changed, that your anxiety and depression were spiking again – how didn’t she realise?

“Y/n, please put it down.” You scooted across the floor, putting as much distance between you both as you could.

“I need it mom, please.” Tears rolled down your cheeks with no sign of stopping. Alex was doing the most to keep hers at bay. She couldn’t do this.

You look down at your thigh, blood dripping. You didn’t notice your mom flipping open her watch and pressing the button that had your aunt rushing through the door within the minute.

“Kara, please, I can’t – I don’t wanna hurt her. I don’t know how to stop her.” Kara took over, seeing her sister’s frantic state and pulled you into her lap, shushing you softly. You were no match for her kryptonian strength as she threw the blade towards your mom, who then flushed it.

You wailed and wailed, trying desperately to get out of Kara’s grip. She never wavered, just calmly whispering to you. Eventually, Alex pulled herself together and sat down on the bathroom floor with you both, noticing you beginning to stop fighting.

“My sweet, sweet girl.” She whispered, holding your face in her hands, kissing away the tears of anguish and suffering.

“Mommy.” You reached out from your Auntie Kara’s grip, latching onto Alex. “’m sorry mommy, ‘m sorry.”

“Shhh, shhh honey. It’s all okay. I’ve got you.” Alex paid no attention to the blood that was getting over her clothes. All she cared about was holding you tight.

Kara sat quietly, watching her niece and her sister who were both clearly in pain and scared. Alex usually always had control of situations, so when Kara came in to see her frozen and desperate it scared her.

“Hey, I think we should have a look at your leg, y/n.” Kara said softly, not wanting to break up the mother-daughter moment; but being the only one who got a good look at your thigh, she knew the depth of the wounds.

Alex tried to ease you off her, coaxing you until you eventually let go. She didn’t realise the damage you’d done. Not only the new, deep cuts; but the hundreds of scars covering your skin. She felt like she’d failed.

“Baby, I think you need stitches for a couple of these.” Alex said, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“I’m not getting stitches. It’s fine, Mom.” Kara interjected,

“They’re pretty bad sweetheart.”

You shook your head. “I’m not going to a hospital. You can’t make me.”

Kara looked at Alex, trying to see if they were on the same page.

“We could call Lena, then her and I can do it.” Your mom says, nodding to Kara who pulls out her phone.

Kara lifted you onto the bathroom counter. There were some perks to having two people trained in some sort of medicine in your chosen family, you guessed. They could perform small things like this. But sometimes, like today, it just didn’t make things any easier. Your Aunt Kara tried to talk to you, keeping your eyes on her as her sister and girlfriend cleaned your wounds and stitched them up. You had tears of pain dripping down your face, but your bared it. Just.

“We’re done, y/n. You did so well darling.” You blushed slightly at Lena’s praise. Reaching for your mom, she had no hesitation in pulling you into her arms, albeit struggling a little.

There was a knock at the door, and given you wouldn’t let your mom go, Kara went and answered it.

It was Kelly, who had brought over homemade soup, bread and some ice-cream.

With you still attached to her hip, Alex kissed her girlfriend and whispered a small thank-you. Kelly smiled knowingly and rubbed your shoulder.

The four older women would do anything to make sure the youngest of their family was okay, and seeing you so obviously not, was painful.

“Should we eat something bub?” Alex asked gently, you shook your head. “Kelly brought your favourites.” You shook your head again,

“Don’t wanna eat.” Alex sighed. You’d truly slipped so far backwards.

She tried to put you down on the couch, eventually compromising so you were sitting on her lap. It was a long hour of persuading and encouragement from all four women, but you ended up eating something.

Kara tried to lighten the mood, talking about anything and everything to keep your mind off the food. It worked for the most part, but you just couldn’t stop thinking about how utterly fat you were. You shouldn’t need to eat.

It felt like you were just a lifeless sack, being passed from one person to another; your brain having difficulty processing what was going on until it was happening. Your mom placed you into a full tub, scrubbing your dirty hair and body. There was faint commotion somewhere else in the apartment, but you couldn’t focus long enough to figure out what it was.

Kara and Lena worked on changing your bed, giving you fresh sheets and blankets. Kelly called a couple contacts she had that were good at working with adolescents. It would be hard to bring up the fact that you have to go back to therapy; you weren’t too fond of it. But Kelly was happy to help make it as comfortable as it can be, even looking for someone who was in the same building as her so she could be there if need be.

Lena offered to braid your hair while your mom, aunt Kara and Kelly talked outside. You welcomed the attention and began to drop off as nimble fingers threaded through your freshly washed hair, despite it only being the afternoon.

“You can go to sleep darling, it’s okay.” Lena said gently as she finished the second braid. You surprised her by turning into her and nuzzling her neck; desperate for the comfort wherever you could find it after isolating yourself for so long.

Alex walked in, telling Lena that both Kara and Kelly had to go back to work, at least for an hour or two.

“I’m happy to stay if you both need someone here?” Lena replies, smoothing your hair as you get nearer to sleep.

“Thank you, Lena. But we’ll be alright; plus, I’m pretty sure the other two are coming back tonight, if you want to come too. They’re worried about her.” Lena nods,

“I am too.” Alex realises how much you mean to all four of them. This little girl, who was maybe not so little, had such a huge part of their hearts – hearts that now ached alongside yours. Though, hopefully, they would be hearts to help heal yours, too.

[emachinescat]

I've decided to watch MacGyver from the beginning (again), and I'm live tweeting the experience with every tweet tagged with #savemacgyver. I thought it would be fun to share my collected thoughts from the episodes on here as well.

My Thoughts on S1E2, "Metal Saw"

Seriously love the music in this show!

THE FREAKING BELT GRAB. You can tell they've done this kind of thing before.

I always love it when Jack and Mac have heart-to-hearts in the middle of super intense, dangerous situations. Like... it's sweet, but time and place, guys?

"Hi, I'm Jack." Nervous Jack is bebby.

Ew, sweat. Like, I know it's "realism" to have sweat stains on clothes in situations like these, but that's one bit of realism I can always do without. Gross.

Is that a bit of PTSD I'm seeing with Mac there on the couch? That's a kind of realism I can always get behind.

Riley finding Mac and Boze in that compromising position will never not be funny. "But he was on top." I love Riley more every episode.

Riley is a really good liar from day one.

I love the joke about ex-cons benefiting from being in relationships with stable people (i.e., fake boyfriend Bozer), then the immediate cut to Bozer with his whole arm inside the vending machine. Great stuff.

Love the Riley and Bozer bonding... right up until the cringe-tastic "Slide me your digits."

"Soon, I'm gonna woo you the same way Romeo would have wooed Juliet if they had Snapchat back in the Renaissance." Bozer and his surprisingly accurate pickup lines. The Renaissance did in fact start in Italy around the 14th century, when R&J is thought to take place.

I love all this psychoanalyzing of Mac. "Adapting is his survival mechanism." Also I'm living for Jack sticking up for Mac to Patti.

"This place has been searched by everybody and their dog." Is this a Texas thing or an old guy saying? Either way it's great.

Nothing beats the early days of Mac and Jack. Nothing. I wish we had gotten more interactions where Jack has to parent Mac: "Stop touching that. Look at me." ❤️❤️❤️

Jack so concerned about Mac and putting on the kid gloves = everything I could have ever asked for and more.

Jack has such a big heart. Poor guy, the look on his face when he sees that the reporter is actually Sarah...

Paperclip sculptures: When I first started watching the show, I thought they were lame. Now I miss them so much. Does that mean I've gotten lamer or that they were always cool and I was always lame?

"Closest time I ever came to coming home in a box." Oof. This line hits different now, and not in a good way.

I just love how Jack is this big tough ex-Delta who is so open about his emotions, particularly with Mac. And the way Mac reassures him... Their bromance is top-tier.

"Oh, like when they invented fire!" Another zinger.

Mac grabbing that giant cigar right out of that dude's mouth 😂😂😂

Love some good fight-scene Mac whump! 👏👏👏 And bar fights are always a blast!

Riley with the car door - such a boss. "What? You told me to stay in the car, and I did."

I've seen some people say they don't like S1 Mac's hair. I kind of dig it, to be honest. He looks like he's 5, but I love it.

Mac has made a lot of DIY cutting torches in his time, but they never get less impressive.

Jack trusting Mac to save Sarah while he keeps watch is just *chef's kiss*!

These early episodes have so many MacGyverisms. One right after the other. It's awesome.

I've never been a big fan of the dark either, Mac.

The first scene with Mac and Sarah is so beautifully tense and whumpy (he way he scrabbles for purchase, gasps for breath, that hitch in his voice as he tries to squeak out Jack's name) that I had to rewind and watch it again.

The hopeful disbelief in her voice: "Jack Dalton came for me?"

Sarah can kick some serious ass. I can see why Jack likes her. Too bad she's about to lead him on the rest of the episode, while actually having a fiance...

Sarah: *leans out of car, shooting her weapon with deadly, terrifying precision* Riley: I agree, this woman should not have kids. 😂 Everything that comes out of Riley's mouth is gold.

Riley asleep in the back of the car while Mac sits quietly and Jack and Sarah have a sweet moment is like mom and dad with the kids in the backseat. Except mom has a fiance and hasn't told dad yet, even though she's had ample opportunity.

Because seriously, Sarah. It's not that hard to tell him the truth. Giving him those big eyes and flirting with him, thinking he has a chance is just cruel. I have never liked her character, and this is why.

Mac and Jack giggling about Jack's crush on Sarah like middle-school girls is life.

"You're just gonna have to let that go." Man, I love their relationship.

Gosh, the scene where they find Luis always hurts so badly. These early episodes did not play around.

"There isn't always time to beg some suit back home for permission to do what's right." I'm not a fan of Sarah, but I love this line. Also, this is pretty much the synopsis of the whole show.

Riley's hair used to be so LONG! 😍

The loyalty of these three! And I love the OG trio so much.

This sleazy guy in the computer place makes my skin crawl.

Love how Patti's like, "Mac will be back by then." Not Jack, not Riley. Just Mac. Can we say teacher's pet? I actually lowkey love this though.

"Who is this guy?" Much like Doctor Who's "It's bigger on the inside," I never get tired of people being equally amazed and confused at the stuff Mac can do.

I've never been the biggest car chase junkie, but Barrios jumping over the car using that log in the road is pretty dope.

Sarah's rage is chilling. And Jack talking her down breaks me every time.

Again, I love the loyalty of our team. Everyone sticks up for each other, ending with Mac's totally unbelievable but still somehow 100% genuine "It was me. I forced them." TOO good.

First mention of Oversight this early. Just thinking about who it is that doesn't like unsanctioned ops just makes me 😤 I wonder if the writers knew who OS was at this point or if it was a later development.

I do wish we could have gotten more conspiratorial, approving Patti. She's so much better than expressionless, bland Patti.

The way Sarah never told Jack about her fiance Jeff (who is in fact a cinnamon roll but still a discount Jack) pisses me off. "I tried to tell you." Yeah, right. It's not that hard to say, "Yo, I'm in a relationship."

Jack NEVER should have found out about Jeff the way he did. There's no excuse.

It's not okay, Jack. She did you wrong. You didn't deserve that. Stand up for yourself, man. Gosh, he's so broken here, and I hate it.

"At least we have each other... Don't look at me. I know how weird it sounded." THESE TWO I SWEAR 🤣🤣🤣

Poor Mac. I do love how we get his obsessive tendencies so early in the show, and how they keep coming back, even as late as season 5. As someone with clinically diagnosed OCD, this makes me feel seen and I love being able to relate to my favorite character.

Love the found family antics at the end. Riley and Bozer making dinner while Mac and Jack play basketball? Perfection.

Lol, Bozer calling Riley a "caramel goddess" has such Schmidt/Cece vibes from New Girl, and I dig it!

Ew. More sweat. I know some people find sweaty men attractive, but that is NOT my vibe. I prefer my men clean and freshly laundered.

The way Riley glances back over her shoulder at them as she walks away, as if to make sure they're really there, that this is actually real!!!

"That's not even... that's true, actually. That's sad." Jack 🤣 Also, "I'm hungry." Big mood.

As a Grandpa Harry stan from the OG show, I eat up any mention of him in the new one. I just wish we'd gotten more of that wonderful man in the reboot. Still, I'll take what I can get!

I'd honestly forgotten how much I enjoy this episode! So solid, full of bromance, found family, and lots of good-natured bickering. Can't wait to watch the next one, hopefully tomorrow! In the meantime, please keep fighting for our show! Together we can #savemacgyver!

If anyone wants to join me in my re-watching and tweeting adventure, please do! It's my way to take about an hour a day in my busy, busy life to commit to the #savemacgyver movement. (And to enjoy my favorite show yet again!) If you do tweet as you watch, make sure to tag EVERY tweet with ONLY #savemacgyver so we can keep that hashtag trending! :)

Thanks for letting me share my (numerous) thoughts on this episode. This was really fun, and I hope it's something you all enjoy, too. I'd love to know what you all think of the episode in the comments! ❤️

[brightbeautifulthings]

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

"'What if sometimes there is no choice about what to love? What if the temple comes to Mohammed? What if you just love? without deciding? You just do: you see her and in that instant are lost to sober account-keeping and cannot choose but to love?'"

Year Read: 2014, 2020

Rating: 5/5

Context: It's hard to know where to begin writing a review for this book. I read it for the first time in graduate school in about five weeks (alongside everything else I had to do in grad school, so I don't recommend that), and it basically blew my mind. At the same time, it's hard to imagine tackling it any other way for the first time. Despite its difficulty, there are things obsessive and immersive and, appropriately, even addictive about it. Full immersion might be the only way to read it for the first time, and I obsessed about it for months afterward. Since I'm not on any deadlines, I took it more slowly this time (21 weeks) so I could enjoy the writing and the nuances without the pressure to finish. For my less coherent weekly updates in real time, see my blog posts. Trigger warnings: Everything, everything. Death (on-page), child death, animal death, suicide, suicidal ideation, rape, pedophilia, possible incest, child abuse/abusive households, graphic violence/gore, eye horror, severe injury, drug use, addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, depression, OCD, grief, racism, ableism, transphobia, sexism, inexplicable hostility toward Canadians.

About: If it's difficult to know how to write a review, it's equally hard to describe what Infinite Jest is about. It's about so many things, tennis, addiction, communication (failures), and entertainment among them, but I'll do my best. Beneath all the numerous characters, timelines, and subplots, the main plot is about a film so entertaining that it kills anyone who watches it, robs them of all desire to do anything but watch it until they die, and what a faction of Canadian assassins will do to possess it. The auteur is James Incandenza, a suicide whose son, Hal, is a prodigy at Enfield Tennis Academy. Next door to E.T.A. is Ennet House, a drug rehabilitation center where Don Gately, former thief and Demerol addict, is taking it day by day to stay sober. Though they don't know it, Hal and Gately are connected, and the deadly Entertainment and those who seek it draw their paths closer and closer together.

Thoughts: It's rare to find a book that is actually as smart as it claims to be, but IJ is--certainly much smarter than I am, despite all my attempts to make sense of it. It starts off strong and doesn't let up for several hundred pages, which is a huge achievement all by itself. Wallace excels at writing extremely polished sections that could almost function alone as short stories, and the first chapter is one of my favorites in all fiction. It's reassuring, I think, to start the book off on a strong note, in case we worried we were in for a thousand pages of tedious slog. It can be both, but it's often heartfelt, insightful, and funny as well, and the payoff is well worth the effort. I don’t know how Wallace manages to pack every page with so much meaning. Anybody can put tedious lists in their books or make reading purposely difficult (and I have attitude about writers who do this for no reason), but there’s nothing haphazard about this book, despite its size and varied focus. Everything seems utterly intentional. The conversations are really top-tier; Wallace has a great ear for how people talk, and it's a fascinating look at how communication works and doesn't work.

Thematically, I think the book succeeds on more than any other level, including plot or structure. If we could say this book is "about" anything, we would almost certainly start with the themes and not the plot, which is often secondary to whatever point Wallace is trying to make at the moment. It takes an in-depth looks at things like addiction, depression, loneliness, failed communication, sincerity v. irony, critiques of postmodernism and metafiction (while being very meta itself, at times), and the very specific selfishness of an American culture that insists on freedom even to the point of self-destruction. At times, it feels a little heavy-handed or like it was yanked right out of an intro to philosophy course, but I suppose something in a thousand pages has to be obvious if we're ever going to pick up on it. A lot of these themes resurface in his other work, from "This is Water" and "E Unibus Pluram" to Orin Incandenza's Brief Interview style Q and A (and he would be a perfectly fitting character in that book).

The characters are some of my favorites in literary fiction as well, particularly the Incandenza family and Don Gately, and to a lesser extent Joelle Van Dyne (although Wallace typically doesn’t write female characters very well, and she comes with some issues). Hal and Gately couldn't be more different; Hal excels at everything he's ever done, and Gately has a record that includes accidental homicide on it. Hal is the hero of non-action, since little that happens in the book is engineered by him, while Gately is closer to the more typical hero of action, who defends the undeserving at great cost to himself. Yet their struggles with addiction are similar, and they both manage to be incredibly sympathetic characters. In my opinion, the book is always at its best when we’re with Hal or Gately, but I’m strongly driven by good characters. Despite being dead, James Incandenza's presence is also felt all over the book, from the Entertainment he created to his haunting ETA and sticking beds to the ceiling (probably the weirdest ghost I've ever seen in fiction). He's a tragic character in a book full of tragic characters. The others are too numerous to name, from the other tennis players at ETA and recovering addicts at Enfield, to the various bystanders populating Boston. We get brief glimpses into almost all of them, and while they may not all feel relevant at the time, most are memorable or heart-wrenching or slapstick funny, or all three. It's a book that contains multitudes.

That's not to say it's always on point though, and it isn't. There are a number of very serious problems with representation in this novel, and they're as bad as its detractors claim. A lot of the 90s humor aged very poorly, but that's not an excuse for some of the unabashedly racist depictions of African Americans, the uncharitable descriptions of Steeply's and Poor Tony's cross-dressing, or--however much I love him as a character--the fact that Mario Incandenza’s descriptions are ableist in just about every possible way. Wallace thinks he's capturing "voice" when he's really encouraging harmful stereotypes. The humor of the novel often doesn’t depend at all on these stereotypes and would in fact, be a lot more funny if I wasn’t spending so much energy cringing at it. So many of the little racist and ableist asides could have easily been edited out of the entire novel to make it less offensive. There are also sections where he seems at pains to be as gross as possible for its own sake. There are plenty of things grim or uncomfortable or flat out distasteful about this book, but sometimes the graphic violence kind of jumps out and stabs you in the eye, say, with a railroad spike.

If there are times when I was totally absorbed in the little tragedies of the Incandenza family or Gately's struggles, there are plenty more where it's like pushing something heavy up a hill. No lie, some of it is slogging through tedious minutiae and various experimental writing styles (some more successful and less offensive than others). Wallace has a gift for purposeful tedium; it’s at its peak in The Pale King, but he gives it a nice warm-up round here. The novel is difficult and meant to be, since Wallace maintained that some of the best pleasures are the ones we have to work for, and he's not totally off base. There's something very satisfying about living, for a time, in a book that spans a thousand pages, that demands focus and perseverance, and manages to give back (almost) as much as it takes. The book is always structurally interesting, but it starts to get more complicated toward the end as various characters and plots begin to almost slide into one another. I forgot how frustrating it was to near the end and realize--again--that it wasn't going to wrap up with any kind of satisfaction; the various plots slide, but they don’t meet. I thought if I paid closer attention on a second read that I would pick up more of the plot things I’d missed on my first, but I think the problem is that those answers simply aren’t to be found in the actual text. Of course, they can point us toward various conclusions, and the novel certainly encourages us to speculate and make connections, but I don’t think the actual answers are there.

That brings me to some of my final thoughts, for now. There's no doubt that this is a hugely successful book, and I believe it accomplished exactly what Wallace meant it to do. He jokingly referred to it as a failed entertainment, much the way Jim considered his lethal Entertainment a failure, but I have the sense that Wallace, unlike Jim, failed on purpose. The book purposely pays more attention to structure and theme than it does to plot or character, yet the plot and characters are hugely compelling for what we see of them. Imagine the book it could have been if he had paid equal attention to all of them. Wallace attempted to create a book that people wouldn't want to stop reading. Reaching the end certainly encourages us to begin again, as the first chapter is actually the last in chronology, but that trick only works the first time. By my second read, I realized that starting over wouldn't help me fill in any of those blanks or answer any of my questions, and I was content to let it go. On the one hand, IJ depends upon its structure to tell the story it's telling. On the other, think of the book it could have been if it spent more time telling a story and developing its characters and less time belaboring a point. It's one of the best books I've ever read, and the tragedy is that I think it could have been even better.

[wyrdify]

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s been plastered all over every social media website I’ve been on, and I’ve had friends on other sites talking about it. I’ve also seen it on here, and I decided I’m going to continue my trend of being open about my own mental health. In doing so, I have a few goals: to help lessen the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, to let others know it’s okay to talk about what they live with, and to just get my brain to move onto another topic.

So, let’s get down to it.

My brain works great when I present stuff in list or outline format, so that’s what I’m going to do to start with.

These are the mental illnesses I live with every single day:

Dermatillomania

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depression Disorder

OCD

Trichotillomania

A couple of these may seem unfamiliar to folks, and there are definitely preconceived notions about all of them, so I’ll share a little bit about what they look like for me in another section.

My family/personal history that contributes to my mental health:

Alcoholism (namely family members, but I bordered on becoming an alcoholic before I was 21)

Emotional abuse / gaslighting

Involvement in a cult

Loss of family members

Neglect (namely medical)

Other shit I’m not quite comfortable talking about in a public setting

What these mental illnesses look like for me:

Dermatillomania: It means I like picking at my skin, particularly recently acquired cuts or wounds. For me, my brain likes to make myself bleed, and it perceives that feeling, that pain, as good.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: I worry about things and blow them out of proportion. Worst case scenarios are easy for me to imagine, and I overthink just about everything. Big surprises, the unknown, and anything outside of my control can make me panic.

Major Depressive Disorder: I’m tired a lot, and I often have trouble focusing or concentrating for long periods of time. Small things like putting something away takes extra effort, and I’ll often lose interest in things I normally enjoy. Since I was at least thirteen years old, I’ve also experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

OCD: This links back to my anxiety, and it’s connected to the derma/trich stuff. I don’t do well when I don’t know something, or there’s any sort of uncertainty. I need things to be done in a certain way, and often in a certain order, or my brain will figuratively set itself on fire. I also need things organized in a specific way, or I get the same result. That’s the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes from following a somewhat strict routine along with counting in specific patterns, arranging my stuff in specific ways, and stuff like that.

Trichotillomania: Similar to the dermatillomania, but with hair. Often without thinking, I’ll pull my hair out. Sometimes, I do it purposefully because my brain thinks it helps with anxiety. This has also led to me having general issues when it comes to my hair in general.

What that family/personal history looked like for me:

Alcoholism: A lot of people in my family, including both parents, are alcoholics. They consume a lot of alcohol. I was pressured to start drinking alcohol when I was around 13-14 years old. When I was in my late teens, I would drink just to make myself feel better. Due to my intense fear of throwing up, though, I never let myself progress past tipsy. I don’t drink any alcohol now due to my medications and the knowledge that I could easily fall into alcoholism.

Emotional abuse: This is wide-ranging and extensive, honestly, and gaslighting was a huge part of it. What I’m going to do instead is link some things that explain what I lived with for most of my life. With this article from PsychCentral, I can check off every single thing on that list. This link from womenshealth.gov also covers what I dealt with.

Involvement in a cult: Insert nervous laughter. Starting around the end of middle school to the start of high school, my parents started getting involved in a cult that centers itself on therapy and self-help with some spiritual elements. Therapy through them was the only way to get help, or it wasn’t valid. My family is still involved in this cult, and I managed to get myself out of it when I moved back in 2013.

Loss of family members: In 2005, I suddenly lost my godfather, my dad’s brother. I saw him as more of a father than my biological dad, especially considering he curbed or otherwise acted as a buffer for my dad’s abusive behavior. In 2011, I lost my paternal grandmother, someone I was incredibly close to and trusted more than my parents. She also helped curb my parents’ abusive behavior, and her house was a safe place for me to go.

Neglect: I’ve said this before when talking about my epilepsy, but I was not allowed to go to doctors. Any medical issues, which included mental illnesses, I had were my fault, too expensive, inconvenient, or all in my head. It is also my belief that my mother pressured my pediatrician to tell me that my seizures were not neurological when I was sixteen years old. To this day, my parents are still very anti-doctor and borderline anti-vax.

Whoo, that was a lot of stuff, and I’m not even done---because of course not. Now, as the last part (I think), I’m going to list some things I do and personality quirks as a result of all this shit.

Confrontation/angry voices scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I shut down. I dissociate. I freeze, or I otherwise try to escape. Sometimes, this will come across as me trying to find ways to change the subject, not saying anything at all, or just agreeing with things because it’s easier.

I cry when people tell me they love me, and I often have to stop myself from saying things like “Thank you”, “Why?”, or asking for further explanation.

I doubt my memory and emotions a lot. To combat this, I keep logs, paper trails, and notes of just about everything. If I remember something that someone else doesn’t, or I have a different emotional response than someone else, I tend to assume the other person is right.

I feel guilty for everything. Somehow, everything becomes my fault, my responsibility, and I have to fix everything. This leads to apologies being my go-to responses for a lot.

I have trouble advocating for myself or saying that I need something. Needing things = bad in my brain.

I info-dump. My brain tells me people should have all of the information possible, so I do it. This includes telling people when I’m going to bed for the night or when I’m going somewhere.

I only feel safe crying when there’s no one else around.

I overthink every single thing I say and type.

I put everything in alphabetical order if possible.

I use writing to cope with feelings and other issues I’m dealing with.

I will listen to sad or otherwise emotional songs over and over again to help me get feelings out.

I will often perceive my issues as “not as bad as what other people deal with” and not talk about them. I’ll downplay what I deal with and shove it under a rug while trying to help others because, otherwise, I’ll feel selfish, self-centered, and attention-seeking.

If I can’t have my bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning, it has the power to ruin my entire day, and I feel rather silly about it.

Lots of all or nothing and black and white thinking. Perfectionism also plays into this. If I can’t do something right the first time, or if things aren’t done perfectly, my brain will not let it go.

Physical contact without my explicit and verbal consent makes me cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable. It can get to the point that even the thought of it happening triggers nausea. 

These are explanations for things I do and why I act in certain ways. They are not excuses, and they are things I’m working on to the best of my ability. I’m currently on a wait list to get a new psychologist so I can start going to therapy again since I know I need it. When I had it in the past, it was incredibly helpful and empowering to me. Since about February, my depression started to get worse, especially as I felt like things were falling apart around me. It rises and it falls. Nowadays, it’s just a little worse in the sense that I find shutting down easier, and I struggle to do anything that isn’t a video game.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it needs to be acknowledged as such. If sharing what I deal with helps even one person, then I consider it worth it.

That is all. I hope everyone is doing okay. If you’re not, though, that’s okay. It’s okay to not have good days or otherwise not feel physically or mentally okay. One day, that lesson will stick with me on a more permanent basis.

Love,

Kai

[britnxyspears]

So many people tell me I'm their 'pretty friend who likes pretty stuff' almost always with 'but you're nice!' and I feel like sometimes people 'typecast' others still who are girly or like certain things... or we think they like them in a narrow way. I like sanrio in a 'pure' way so people say I'm okay and my hello kitty addiction isnt a red flag for being 'edgy' and that makes me frown a lot... kind of remind me of how before liking barbie movies a lot became sort of a positive meme people knew I liked barbie and said things like 'you dont like barbie in an eating disorder way so it's okay and cute'

I think a lot of people still have 'not like other girls' mindset about all the same stuff just it switched from 'I think you're just shallow for like this/look like this' to 'I think you're wrong kind of mentally ill/lgbt group to like this the right way'

... if someone with bpd or childhood trauma like sanrio, you see that as red flag with no other information or even attempt to understand a reason why those things linked... dont you feel like maybe that means you have a certain bias and you need to extend some understanding more often? And what that bias even protects you from? People with trauma expressed differently than yours?

If someone with eating disorders obsessed with barbie, and you immediately link those things, dont you think it sounds kind of rash and kind of insensitive to make that judgement? Think people only like barbie bc thin and not because pretty, nice, nostalgia, entertaining, anything else? Would you think that for people who like barbie and dont have eating disorder?

Think someone mean and shallow or self obsessed because they fit a narrow boxes of conventionally pretty? Especially obvious on this one, but what does that say about person and not about you ?

Too much micro-culture within subcultures are making and forcing boxes with little red flags attached at rapid speeds, I think the biggest sign of 'chronically online' is not argue over dumb things... forcing people into these weird categories based on this stuff is... there different between 'fans of XYZ are just like that... sometimes is just true.' But everyone takes it so far and it becomes incomprehensible...

Same with 'positive version' of boxes that inevitably become 'cringe' like "all bisexuals love song sweater weather" maybe true a lot, but you cant lump people like that. Similar to 'we get it, you bottom' for someone listening to a certain band... it doesnt make sense to judge people for thing like this or lump boxes... stop categorizing people like this.

Maybe is just my bisexual and trans opinion that hyper categorized to people is just wrong, reductive, and bad, making a binary of 'good' and 'wrong' of everything is backwards and wrong and reductive... and I have ocd, I automatically categorize things to feel safe, I still think its bad. I just think we need to move away from doing this...

[system-of-a-feather]

I saw ur pinned post and was curious, do you have any strong opinions on things that u might consider silly?

>didn’t realize Aderis pinned that

I don’t mind though cause she’s out more often and I did say we can be more opinionated per the fact I’m tired of holding my tongue and we have a few opinionated alters XD Aderis is probably one of the most opinionated ones of us

But we do have a lot of them as someone who is really particular on things, colloquially obsesses about things, has OCD (and is somewhat unaware of it sometimes), and is traumatized so we have a lot of things that we are very opinionated about that many people would brush off as being silly and not based. The OCD, PTSD, DID related ones I won’t post here for safety and because they are factually not silly, they are serious mental health stuff.

The question is if I can come up with any off the top of my hea- Remembered a few. Okay by the way, some of these are “silly” and I admit they are kind of over the top so I don’t ACTUALLY hate or seriously judge people for this, but I do have strong opinions XD

Here are three really “silly” strong opinions I can vent about that I rambled to a friend about lately that are related. For context, we are half Chinese before people go “wow for a white person you have strong opinions about chinese food”

After writing this, these are some opinions Riku has from her moderate Chinese culture.

1) You are absolutely not allowed to put sugar in green tea. In fact, you should probably never put sugar in any tea. It ruins the purpose and function of the tea. Tea is great because of the unique minute changes in flavor from one to the next. Bitter tea is bitter and thats the best part, don’t remove it with sugar. Not everything has to be sweet. Tea is one of the healthiest drinks, don’t go ruining it with sugar. If you are going to drink tea, drink it naturally

2) American “Chinese” Food is an insult and is disgusting. A lot of Chinese Food is supposed to be a variety of flavor. It is supposed to be considerably healthy. It is supposed to be good. But you go to Pick Up Sticks and Panda Express and all that, and its all ONE flavor. OFTEN its just coated in endless amounts of sugar. If its not that it is ONLY salty or ONLY sweet or ONLY spicy and if they are feeling dramatic it is ONLY Sweet-Sour, not sweet and sour, just sweet-sour. 

It’s adapted so horribly to this disgusting obsession with high sugar and heavy singular flavors that its just ugh. I hate it. I don’t actually get personally offended by people eating it, and I don’t actually think its an insult, but its just such a bad representation of Chinese Food most of the time and I hate that some people judge Chinese Food based on what they see in those sugar-obsessed American variants. 

Authentic restaurant Chinese food is great, please go to a China Town or a small business Chinese food store that actually puts effort. If the hygiene rating is a B or lower you know you have it right. I really miss going to the near by city’s down town and getting really good authentic Chinese food and ughhh.

3) You are ABSOLUTELY making a mistake if you are eating authentic Chinese food and having sugar in your tea - or having a soda with your food or whatever. You are 1000% missing out on the actual variety of flavor and the quality of the food and you are going to make me cry internally.

4) Chopsticks are the superior eating utensil by the way. You will not change my mind and way too many people don’t know how to use it properly, cross the tips, and make me cringe. I appreciate the attempt and know its a learning curve but god sake, please use them right.

-Riku (Host)

[theskyequakess]

(Warning: you’re about to find a very emotional, sappy and ridiculous text wrote by my inner teenager in a very questionable English. You’ve been warned, I’m not responsible for all the cringe this may contain.)

These two books are 11 years apart.

The first one -may not need an introduction, but you know me, I like to be dramatic- is Twilight in its pocket version and of course, in Spanish. It was given to me on December 25th when I was 13 years old. I was newly in the Twilight world (not fandom, because at that time I had no idea what that was xdd), just one month before I was stepping in the movie theater to watch New Moon.

Yeah, as you read it. I got myself into this WITH NEW MOON. This is a very ‘me’ move.

My cousin invited me to go to the movies, I had no idea what I was watching, she told me the basics: he’s a vampire, she’s a normal girl, they’re in love. And I just went like that. I even remember watching it in Spanish (and if you know me, you’ll know I HATE TO WATCH MOVIES IN SPANISH AKDJSSDKJ), and even though I was not sure what was happening half of the time, I was like ‘ohmygodddd’.

I was a naïve and unexperienced teenager, okay?

I walked out of there ready to know EVERYTHING about Twilight.

Fast forward to December when I finally got the first book and my Twilight-journey officially began.

Then I remember saving my allowance to buy all the other books, and as time progressed, the movies. Let’s not forget all the merchandising and magazines I bought. OH BOY.

(Yeah, they are all different because Breaking Dawn is hardcover, Eclipse and New Moon are the normal versions, Twilight the pocket version —all of them are Spanish version. While Midnight Sun is an English version. Bad for my OCD, but they are meaningful to me)

Anyway, I’m not ashamed to say that the Twilight Saga opened me the door to read books. Sure, I’ve always been a person who loved to read ANYTHING. Tales, magazines, encyclopedias, school books, normal books… but those books made me want to read more, to look for more genres, to find adventures and things I liked… so Twilight at 13 years old was my start.

I remember becoming the person who read more books in my literature class, I DEVOURED books. I was so happy.

When I think back of those times, myself in middle school, I remember better times, easiest time. I remember talking (and fighting lol) with my friends about Team Edward vs Team Jacob. Being exited about the premieres, collecting things and just being dumb and young lol.

I still can’t believe Stephenie Meyer finally finished writing this book, I still remember when it was leaked and she said she’ll never finish it writing. I WAS SO SAD BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO KNOW EDWARD’S POV + DREAMING ABOUT KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING IN HIS HEAD AND IN THE OTHER CULLEN’S WHEN BELLA VISITED THEIR HOUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Now time has passed, I’m 23 years old, I’ve grown and become another person, but I still fangirl about Twilight because even though it can be ridiculous, idk it takes me back to better and simpler times. AND MY LOVE FOR ALICE WILL EVER PERSIST LOL

And as yesterday I opened the package, I recognized that happiness from when I was a teenager and I felt so happy and relieved to feel it.

And one more thing that makes me kinda proud? This time I was able to buy the book in English, because now I believe I can read it completely in English… being this MY FIRST TIME I BUY A BOOK IN ENGLISH!!!

I’ve read tons of fanfics, texts, articles and whatever you can imagine in English, but this is my first time BUYING A BOOK IN ENGLISH TO READ IT.

I’m so excited to know who much time will take me to read it, as I know -in Spanish- I can read a normal book in 2 days.

And now to finish this, I’ll like to share Stephenie’s dedication, because as I read it, my eyes filled with tears because it’s so true, I’ve really feel it, I was 13 years old when all this started and now I’m 23, and even if things haven’t been easy, and I still have a long way to go, I’m in the right way.  I know my old me feels proud of me.

Andddd I'm going to read now, see ya👋🏻