#i have ocd so bad it just makes me think everything i make is cringe and sucky and idk what to do u_u

[liliotl]

Spent 7 hours on this fsr

[seventh-district]

several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold

[drbased]

We think of mental illnesses (and anything seen as adjacent to that, development disorders included) as an add-on to one's 'true personality'. We say 'I have depression/anxiety/OCD etc'. What was revolutionary for me was recognising that depression isn't some aberrant tumour on my psyche that needs to be removed, but rather it's a reflection of my psyche. There's this pseudospiritual idea that the 'self' is pure - I remember as a teen pondering over how the concept of life-after-death can even exist, because so much of my personality has been formed from my life experiences; the 'me' that would go to heaven now would be entirely different from the 'me' as a baby. Atheistic people and society want to reject this idea of the soul existing separate from the body, but the idea of the 'self' being pure, untouched and eternal, and therefore essentially being a soul, still persists. It exists without the need for religious justification because people changing is always existentially terrifying. And so, too, are mental illnesses.

I spoke to the same woman a few times at some free mental health drop-in thing. I don't know if she was a mental health professional, or just someone whose job it was to listen. The first time I spoke to her, I agreed with everything she said. The next time I spoke to her, I came in with an entirely different attitude, and now disagreed with much of what she said. She commented on this, the implication being that when I agreed with her - when I was cheery, motivated, upbeat, agreeable - that was when I was 'mentally healthy', but when I disagreed with her - when I was holding back, unhappy, pensieve - that was the mental illness talking. The thing is, by the time in my life where I'd come to have this series of conversations with her, I already had come to recognise the fullness and value of myself, depression included: I am always, entirely, me. It interests me her black-and-white assessment of the situation: I agree with her and am happy = I am well/I disagree with her and am not happy = I am not well. I don't blame her for this in the slightest, but rather by analysing the situation it allowed me to understand something about how society percieves, and therefore I once percieved, mental illness. I now understand that I went into that room for the first time, a full and conscious being, emboldened by recent actions, and made a choice to listen to a point of view I knew I wouldn't always like. I've written on this blog quite a a bit about my relationship with wisdom - that I once saw it as vapid, and now I have learned about myself I see the value in it. So now I have a deeper appreciation for 'normie speak' [if this makes you cringe please understand that I am using it for brevity] and thus I made a choice to, instead of dismissing her point of view outright, seek the value in it. I found her to be incredibly insightful and was honest about that. But the next time I had spoken, I had had time to reflect and was less pumped-up and more realistic about who I am, especially with regards to my Pathological Demand Avoidance (at this point I consider it a mental illness in and of itself, and have to treat it with delicate care). I did try to communicate this to her, and throughout my explanation she irritably flicked at a ringbinder - something incredibly rude for someone in her position to do. But she heavily implied that she was more mature than me because she has kids, so, y'know. It was during this exchange that I was reminded of why I rejected 'normie speak' for so long - and why I dismissed its wisdom as inherently vapid. Most people percieve the world in such a way that there are 'mentally ill' people who are Dumb and Bad and Wrong and Need Help, and 'mentally well' people who, by nature of their being well-adjusted, are just Naturally Correct and therefore anything they say, especially if they are put in a position of power as authorised by the system, as she was, is just Better than anything I have to say. Anything I explain under that context is Just An Excuse, an Overcomplication of The Issue, hence why she was visibly irritated with me - my attempt to communicate the wider picture was just Me Being Mentally Ill and Trying To Justify That. I wasn't pulling myself up by my bootstraps; she said I should do a mood board, and I rejected that, knowing that engaging with things purely because they're the 'right' thing to do is exactly what triggers those depressive feelings (something I had already explained to her), and she accused me of not accepting help.

When my depression says 'I want to die', I now say, 'I agree, and I truly feel your pain - but realistically, I'm not going to kill myself right now, and I want to find a way to enjoy my life in the meantime. So what can I do?' I once used to simply count the amount of times I found that voice saying 'I want to die'. But, shockingly, it turns out that the person saying 'I want to die' is me: the thought comes from my psyche. When I first sat in that room and hotboxed it, I asked myself the questions that some part of me always knew the answer to, and thus I was able to answer those questions with staggering ease. Every confusion I've had, every fear I've had about myself has gradually come to light since, with further questioning, more honesty with myself. Now, when I walk in a room, I have a much clearer picture of exactly who I am and what I want from the situation. My 'mental illness' is reflective of an attitude that I have, and I have that attitude for a reason. My depression is still very much here, in that the attitude that it represents still lives inside me. Instead of dismissing that attitude as 'my depression talking', I took the much scarier approach of 'but what if that's actually me talking?' and instead asked it the hard questions. I understand its logic entirely, I sympathise and empathise with that logic and could explain it to you in full. What do you do when you want to convince someone? You engage with their point of view.

Years ago, before I started this journey, I made a deal with myself that I was only ever going to kill myself if life got untennable - say I ran out of money, or gained an illness that made existence unbearable. That was an early example of me taking my desire to kill myself seriously, and therefore it's been one of the most robust decisions I ever made. Ever since I made that decision, I had that urge to kill myself a lot less - because it turns out that my psyche isn't just a set of random impulses but rather a whole, complete person with a whole, complete worldview. I became much less fearful of myself when I realised that I can always accept myself, take myself seriously, and then negotiate with myself. But I have to take myself seriously: dismissing my depression is dismissing part of me, it's telling me that part of me is Just Stupid and incapable of making decisions, and any decisions it does make are inherently irrational, always tarnished with the brush of Mentally Ill. Acknowledging and accepting the logic of my depression means that I don't really have it anymore. I'm currently going through the shittiest thing that's ever happened to me - the reason why I sought those mental health services - and I have not had those classic depression symptoms that were once so expected, so comfortable to me. Instead I am more honest with my emotions, seeing how depressive symptoms once filled in the gap of that kind of honesty. Depression was a response to my lack of engagement with my own psyche. Instead of authentic sadness, depression allowed me the space to be sad with a more dramatic justification. Instead of authentically not desiring to do an activity, depression forced me to not do it. Depression was both the cause and solution: depression said that my emotions and beliefs are not enough - they are too small, too embarrassing. It's too embarrassing to just be me - if I'm sad over something some part of me has decided is Objectively Too Small To Be Sad over, the depression swoops in and says

Lo! But the sadness of existence is tragedy itself. To feel such great, deep feelings, is a beautiful curse. I feel such deep woe, not just for this one tiny instance but what it represents! I could never be sad at only something so small, for I am most definitely a much deeper being than that, capable of great intellectual musing and emotional depth! My ease at being turned to tears is actually a strength of mine, a sign of how at ease I am with my own emotionality, and I should defend to the heavens my inalienable right to be in such a state!

In processing my depression, the word 'embarrassing' kept cropping up, speaking to my fear of there being some Great Power of Objectivity Watching Over Me. Instead, allowing myself to be authentic involved the recognition that I'm going to always have beliefs, feelings and actions that are going to be seen as weird, and that's entirely my prerogative as an individual. So, then, my depression isn't 'bad' because I'm showing 'bad symptoms' that mark me as 'mentally ill' - but rather, it's bad because of the much more terrifying reason that it hurts me to be like this. My PDA, the depression, and the symbolic states, are rejections of my psyche, of my selfhood, because I so desperately want to feel that there's some objective standard I can follow, so then I never have to engage with the existential terror of being responsible: responsible for others, responsible for my actions, responsible for my relationship towards myself. Having to weigh up a situation and decide for myself if I personally value the outcome is much less simple and much more terrifying, but in doing so I come to learn to value myself. I stopped having depression not because I 'fought it' or any other grandiose narratives, but rather because I learned to treat myself with genuine compassion - and whoops, there's Classic Wisdom #12956: Treat Yourself With Care, As You Would A Friend. By rejecting 'normie speak' I veered right back round into it. But I refuse to be vapid about this - yes, there is a major simplicity to what I've learned, but the process of getting there is not simple.

We as a society made a major leap in empathy by recognising mental illnesses as something other than a nuisance to the 'normies'. But unfortunately, there has been an over-correction in response to mental illnesses that, in liberal-politics fashion, doesn't really actually disagree with the classic narrative. Both viewpoints percieve mental illness as 'I Just Can't help it and Need To Eradicate it' - the classic view-point paints mental illness as an aberration of the soul, and that the only way to eradicate it is to either destroy the demon inside, or lock away the person. The more liberal view-point recognises that mental illness is part of a person's psyche and therefore can be engaged with, but it is still an aberration and the goal is still elimination.

It's at this point I'd like to appreciate just how much my engagement with (radical) feminism has been instrumental in my new attitude towards my own mental illnesses. Society already dismisses the Mentally Ill as Bad and Wrong, and so mentally ill women are dismissed as even Badder and Wrongerer. Being able to reclaim my selfhood and take my mental illnesses seriously, as a part of me just as human as the rest, and therefore be sympathised with, understood and engaged with, has been revolutionary for me in a way that only feminism can achieve. No matter how much we want to believe that we as a society are past the stage of dismissing women as inherently irrational, or dismissing mentally ill people as inherently irrational, that attitude is very much live and well and hides in plain sight, implicit in people's actions and inactions, in how they phrase their words, in what they don't say as much as what they say. Being able to walk into a room and not immediately feel terrible for every single choice I've ever made simply because one person in front of me might disapprove of it, has been such a tremendous burst of freedom for me. And it's still ongoing; I still feel the 'tug' where I fear I'm not being 'objective enough' - but since now I understand that my primary responsibility is to myself, the brain fog has dissipated and I have time to emotionally and mentally breathe and process. I'm still not free yet, but I have built myself a foundation of self-love.

[cringelordofchaos]

welcome. I like your shoelaces.

And Your Rat's Eggs. •

Salutations, earthlings (or non-earthlings)! I don't know what you're doing here but beware for you are coming in for a ride! The only problem is the driver never went through a single driving lesson so don't blame me if we crash!

Beware, as this blog may include many depictions and discussions of unreality, swearing, death, trauma, ableism, racism, and more. At times I forget to tag these potentially triggering topics.

Yes, I had indeed attempted to make an introductory post! It heavily pains me to write this all, given my distinguished and embarrassing personality, but on this boat we strive to not care! Cringe culture is dead and I'm coming for your pancreas and brain tissue if you so dare to disagree.

So, without further ado!

x DNI x

if you're a bigot in any way (queerphobic, n@zi, racist, sexist, ableist, generally discriminatory, etc etc)

also this isn't really a dni criteria but pls don't behave inappropriately when interacting with me, keep it at a joke level maximum, I value my comfort over your pleasure

x NICKNAMES x

I am fine with anything you so dare to call me, be it a regular name or a homophobic slur. I quite frankly don't give a shit. However, nicknames I most prefer amount to DOMINO, TOKI and GOBLIN !!

x MY POSITION IN THE ALPHABET SOUP x

I am fine with any pronouns, though in terms of preferences I do gravitate towards they/them more than anything else. Everything else is irrelevant, but I am queer, and I don't think I make it subtle (?).

- https://en.pronouns.page/@CringeLordOfChao - my pronouns page

x FANDOMS/INTERESTS/GENERAL FAVES x

(I'm not as into some of these fandoms as I am in others, for example i barely know crap about Moomintroll I only sometimes watch some scenes of it on yt as a comfort show and I still listed it here, you can ask me about specific fandoms and how much I'm into them)(bold text = obsessed/into it enough to the point of being capable of infodumping about it/having a decent amount of opinions on it/having a conversation about it) (nvm idek anymore just ask me if I'm interested in it or not atm)

Video games: Skyrim, OMORI, BAD END THEATER, her tears were my light, Adventures with Anxiety!, Sonic The Hedgehog (general), Parappa The Rapper, Parappa The Rapper 2, Um Jammer Lammy, Minecraft, MineCraft StoryMode, Duolingo, Pokémon (general), Pizza Tower, Amanda The Adventurer, Cuphead, Word Trip, UNDERTALE. Tomadachi Life, ROBLOX,

Roblox games: Flicker, my eyes deceive, Adopt Me!, Royale High, Sonic Pulse RP, Horse Valley, Rate My Avatar, Speed Run 4, copyrighted artists, Pyrite Adventure, Wolves Life, Total Roblox Drama, Murder Island 2, Sonic World Adventure,

Neurodivergence (such as, but not limited to): Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Bipolar Personality Disorder (BPD), Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FASD), Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD), Down Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), etc etc

Animated series: The Music Freaks, hfjONE, The Owl House, Amphibia, Sonic Prime, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Parappa The Rapper, Sonic X, AVM Shorts, The Loud House, The Casagrandes, Legend of Korra, Pokémon, Total Drama (Island/general), Willcraft's Monster School, LEGO Ninjago, Spirit Riding Free, Moomintroll (2017), DuckTales (2017), My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic, The Cuphead Show, Sonic Boom, The Amazing World Of Gumball, Kipo And The Age Of Wonderbeasts,

Non-animated shows: Stranger Things, Umbrella Academy, Dark, Only Fools And Horses, The Modern Family, Sesame Street,

Comics: Sonic The Hedgehog (IDW)

Animated movies: Sonic The Hedgehog (1996)/Sonic OVA, The Last Guest, Nimona, The Lego Movie, Equestria Girls (all parts), Moana,

Non-animated movies: Sonic The Hedgehog + Sonic The Hedgehog 2 [i guess, I feel obliged to like it since I'm a sonic fan], Avatar, Alpha,

Webcomics (all available on WEBTOON!): Blooming Season, The Last Dimension, Unfamiliar, Jackson's Diary, North Korean Kid, Heartstopper, Is chair still in the park?, Ghost Eyes, Meow Are You?, The Recloseted Lesbian, War and Tea, Hyperfocus, Erma, Emmy The robot, Post Harbor, Spellward Bound, The Little Trashmaid, Of Aliens And Cacti, MAX has AUTISM, Hollow Kid, Aurora Borealis, Always Human, Will There Be A Tomorrow? (H), High Class Homos, Everything Is Fine, Home Sweet Ghost, Notumare, Heartstopper,

Books: The Name Of This Book Is Secret (all 5 parts), Hobbit, Ana, Teo, Warrior Cats (general),

Music creators: Radiohead, Rex Orange County, Laufey, bo en, Jack Stauber, Jay Vincent, Kaden Mackay, Olivia Rodrigo, if I was 9 again the only person on this list would be Alan Walker (I don't care about his music anymore), Pink Floyd, liana flores, Your Favorite Martian,

Gacha Stories: Boy With Bad Luck, Girl With Good Luck, The Music Freaks episodes 1-11, Shy Family, Shy Family PART 2, Lesbian Liar part 1-5, A Walking Disaster, Fated Sisters, A Beautiful Tragedy, The Mute Tomboy, literally anything made by Hxnnah rlly,

Favorite YouTubers: Flamingo, RosyClozy, TheOdd1sOut, Illymation, Hxnnah, [Brii Studios UwU], Cypopps, Emzii, NerdyArty, Marikyuun, ExtraRosy, WowzaDawg, foster on the spectrum, Behind The Meme, LilyTrescot SMP, JaidenAnimations, Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, Ice Cream Sandwich, How To ADHD, LesbianMindflayer,

Favorite Tumblr blogs (not including mutuals srry xx): @/oneeyedleaf, @/nerdyarty, @/tmf-confessions (technically a mutual), @/i-say-ok, @/sonicshipbattles, @/uncharismatic-fauna, @/official-boob-posts, @/identifying-horses-in-posts, @/sonicthehedgehog, @/inthetags, @/notumare (tech a mutual), @/your-blorbos-are-queer, @/the-owl-house-takes, @/incognitopolls, @/my-autism-adhd-blog. @/hot-take-tournament, @/haveyouseenthismovie-poll, @/aita-blorbos, @/oc-aita, @/jagged--dust-jacket-analysis (also tech a mutual), @/hero-deserves-to-be-happy, @/just-a-blog-for-polls, @/thistmfcharacteris, @/sonicapproves, @/lordystrange, @/aphantimes, @/neurotypical-sonic, @/fishyfishyfishtimes. @/adhd-sonic-the-hedgehog, @/obelisart, @/queeradhdcultureis, @/pd-culture-is, @/content-free, @/starscatteredsky, @/hero-deserves-to-be-happy,

Miscellaneous: zoology, drawing, using Picrew, ninjas, goblins, parallels in writing (this obsession is eating me alive I swear I'll literally analyze my events as if they're fictional and I'll draw parallels between them and my favorite fandoms/past events pls send help), daydreaming, dust, media analysis, character analysis, calculators, singing, mushrooms, weirdcore, goblincore, sociology, vocabulary, MBTI,

Languages (both real and fictional)(I only actually know some of these)(still learning): ninjargon, dovahzul, spanish, japanese, serbian, english, na'vi,

Things I'm planning to get into : Zoology, crocheting, Terraria, The Lego Movie: The Sequel, The Wilds, Warrior Cats, crafting, Nimona (comic), Notumare, The Mechanisms, Dark, Inscryption, The Adventure Zone, DELTARUNE, Teen Wolf, Solitaire, Sonic X, Good Omens, Voltron, The Amazing Digital Circus, Steven Universe, Oblivion, Star Vs The Forces Of Evil, MineCraft StoryMode, Percy Jackson, the pink corruption,

My own stories/Fanfiction plots: ghost!SUNNY AU (OMORI), Mob Academy (Minecraft fanfic), Carla and Silvia, omori!Hanahaki AU (OMORI), Flicker fanfic, HOLLOW HEART, (feel free to ask about any of these!!!)

Things I plan to get into again: MLP;FiM, Ninjago,

x KIN/FAV CHAR LIST x

(bold text = absolute fave!!)

TMF - Jake Sterling, Millicent Brooks, Drew, Lia, Sean Everett, Daisy,

ST - William Byers, Eleven/Jane Hopper/Byers, Jonathan Byers, Robin Buckley, Joyce Byers, Lucas Sinclair, Dustin Henderson, Kali Prasad,

PTR - Jammer Lammy, Parappa The Rapper, Katy Kat

STH - Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles Tails Prower The Fox, Mimic The Octopus, Whisper The Wolf, Sticks The Jungle Badger, Amy Rose The Echidna-Rascal (personal hc),

TOH - Luz Noceda, Agustus Porter, Edalyn Clawthorne, King Clawthorne, Lilith Clawthorne, Philip Whittebane/Belos (do not excuse his actions whatsoever), Enzo Gabriel The Collector

Amphibia - Marcy Wu, Sprig Planters

OMORI - KEL/KELSEY, OMORI, SUNNY, MARI, THE MAVERICK/MIKHAEL, PESSI, CAPT. SPACEBOY,

SS - SpongeBob SquarePants

Minecraft - Creeper, The Ender Dragon, Herobrine, Enderman, Wolf, Fox, The Wither

RBLX Flicker - Eduardo, Rita, Mikah, Amethyst, Adora, Amani

TMNT - Michelangelo!!

TLH - Luna Loud, Lincoln Loud, Lenni Loud, Lucy Loud, Clyde ??

TD(I) - Noah, Izzy, Dawn, Ezekiel

Ninjago - Jay Walker, Nya, Zane Julien, Akita,

WEBTOON TLD - Alex Hill, Phillip Maxwell, Anne Marie De Delle

x SHIP LIST x

[character] x no one = I like the interpertation of said character being aroace/just not dating anyone in general. (Bold text)= otp

OMORI - suntan, sunflower, heromari, goldrush, sunburn, photobomb, KEL x no one, herobowen, etc

STH - blazamy, whispangle, sonknux, sonadow, sonic x no one, kittails, amy x no one, stickmy, sticknux (but in a very specific modern sth way), sticks x no one, sonjet, shadisper, etc

TMF - ooo boy... milliot, jailey, hailia, drake, laisy, saisy, dailia, dadie, jaisy, jenry, drew x no one, drakailey, henriam, ladie/salia, platonic draisy, platonic henria, more xx

PTR - sunny x no one, parappa x matt, parappa x pj berri, parappa x no one, etc

Ninjago - lava, plasma, techno, jaya, bruise, opposite, pixane, glacier, harumya (?), lloyd x no one, cole x no one, nya x no one, qp mud, etc

TD - noco, gwourtney, nowen, breoff, bfffls, dizzy,

WEBTOON TLD - alex x phillip, anne x

x ANIMALS I LIKE x (few are fictional) •

virgin island's dwarf gecko, blobfish, horses, roosters, unicorns, wolves, anglerfish, immortal jellyfish, lion mane's jellyfish, okapis, rats, reek stonefish, doves, pigeons, vultures, cats, echidnas, frogs, star nosed moles, naked mole rats, moths (they seek the light which only further strays them away from life, the truth), spiders, rock doves, blue jaya tongue skinks, australian ghostsharks, aye-ayes, goblin sharks, dragons, whatever the fuck atla's momo is, lemurs, squirrels, flying squirrels, capybaras, OMG I JUST FOUND OUT FLYING LEMURS ACTUALLY EXIST THEYRE CALLED colugos, gerenuks, jabirus, jaguarundis, japanese spider crabs, jerboas, pangolins, potoos, thorny devils, snakes, black cats, vampire squids, northern stargazer,

x TAGS x

ghost!sunny au, >:], to do list, omori!hanahaki au, important, urgent, rb, asks, animalsss, others art, others writing, vent? like among us?, I am not funny, byliner, house design inspo, minecraft fanfic inspo, mari appreciation 💜, sean appreciation, fictional birthday, music, rb, tickposting, mari wheelchair au, serbian shit, carla and silvia, my oc, my ocs, my story, mob academy, hollow heart, 🎩🕊️, 🎩🕊️ • ❓, my polls, polls, 🎩🕊️ • ✉️, 🎩🕊️ • 📜, 🎩🕊️ • 🪬, 🐀🥚, me on anon, freakblr colour war, hailey hair controversy, freakblr colour war 2, freakblr colour war ii, mecoded, cringe confession of the day, gay screenshot collection, my top posts,flicker webseries preparations, hyper-cis, freakblr lore, my mom watches tmf, into the rosyverse, background-chan,

x TAGS FOR FANDOMS x (aka fandom acronyms) •

omori, tmf, st, go, ptr, sth, avm shorts, atla, rblx, amphibia, yfm, etc (if a franchise has 2 words or more when I reblog posts about that franchise the fandom tags I'll use for them will be exclusively the acronyms even if it isn't most preferred)

<°•×•°>

9.1,13.19,15,18,18,25°

My life will end incomplete! ~~××

(I'll try updating this later)

(this is like the tenth time doing this, I'm only capable of making intro posts in ONE RUN I guess, I am in pain, sjkdcie)

xxOTHER NOTES:

I occasionally post pretty angsty, overwhelmingly negative, and at times violently suggestive vent content here. If you do not like that, please filter the tag #vent? like among us?

I might have depression and/or adhd so that's probably gonna mess up my life and social interactions ummm (I'm a sensitive individual so please don't be too harsh)

I sometimes draw, don't expect it to look good though. You can request any prompt !!

My Roblox accounts are FinVanzahDovahKiin and stejsi_079 !!

My DeviantArt account is Unoriginal Creator !!

Even though I had formerly stated that this blog may contain triggering themes (even though I can't quite recall much triggering posts/reblogs I have on here??) this blog is mostly silly, it's just me being me

I have a lot of TMF mutuals, we have a lot of inside jokes that may not make any form of sense to outsiders

Even though I had also stated I have my own fanfiction ideas I like, I have not written any of them down and God knows when I will.

I need to spend less time on the internet for the sake of my health

My YouTube account is [InsertUnoriginalNameHere] !! (I've deleted 90% of my former content. Also most of my videos on there are like 2 years because I stopped posting after my parents found out it existed)

I have an alt account @freakblr-lore !! Studying the lore of tmf but mostly the subculture of freakblr

I also have a tmf Sean Everett rp/ask blog called @mr-broom !

I ALSO have a tmf Daisy rp/ask blog called @x-daisy-x !

There's also another one @hailey-i-guess

Another one @xjaded-sadiex

I'm disappointed in myself. I made an rp/ask blog for an entirely irrelevant background character. What the fuck. @background-bg-chan

IM PLANNING TO MAKE A ROBLOX FLICKER WEBSERIES!!! Posts related to it will be tagged "flicker webseries preparations".

There's an Elliot one now too!! @xx0blooming-orchid0xx

@sussy-albertaretz-core my fan blog for the Roblox YouTuber flamingo

please ask me anything about any of my interests

[selchwife]

i am thinking about rewriting inky!revas. again

i need to actually play veilguard so i can figure out how practical it is narratively to have inky and rook be the same person (probably not very) but if it's at all possible then i think it would be fun to draw more from pfeil's storyline and retcon inquisition so that he's like 16 or 17

i also think that would make more sense in terms of like...his motivation for attending the conclave and pretending to be trevelyan. like the more i think on it the more i think it's a profoundly impulsive teenage thing to do especially given revas is/would be a very alienated and isolated teenager who would be idolizing fucking anders of all people. recipe for disaster

i do also want to just redo everything with caius, i look back at some of the old plans i had for his backstory and kind of cringe. i know what i write is not usually as bad or insensitive as the ocd voice in my head tells me but i still think i would feel better with a clean slate. especially because now he doesn't have to fit into inquisition anymore since obviously an adult emet expy could not date a 17 year old boy

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya

[chaos-and-recover]

Moral OCD person here: somehow you posted an anon from the Larry Shipper. I am not a Larry Shipper but I got an ask from a Larry Shipper apologizing a couple weeks ago, and when I was scrolling through your blog (I don't follow you) I noticed you got an apology ask too which prompted my ask. The ask you ascribed to me is the exact same ask you got sent weeks ago from someone else. I sent you an ask saying smth like "this is for Larry Shipper bc you inspired me to wrote my own apologies bc I got one from you also bur I also want you to know you are not the only person who has done cringe shit." I am hella paraphrasing there. Idk how tumblr resent you an ask thst was sent by someone else weeks ago instead of the ask I sent you lol. I just don't want to accidentally take credit for an apology I didn't send or make anyone think I'm the same person as the Larry Shipper. Just to clarify things.

I just wanna say part of my therapy (I still have therapy even tho I am on medication) was engaging with trans HP fans, and listening WOTHOIT TALKING how they "make HP theirs ans disengage JKR from the material." At one point I had to sit at a mall and count how many people wore Beatles/Michael Jackson/HP shirts and repeat to myself "liking (thing) does not mean agreeing with every action (creator) does." A hard thing my therapist did was in a previous session he asked me to write a list if everything media i consumed. A few sessions later after I forgot he reamed me for supporting (horrible things) and I said wtaf?? And he goes "why is a grown man who knows better supporting these actions by consuming these medias?" Sounds harsh but it worked for me. I just wanna say part of my therapy (I still have therapy even tho I am on medication) was engaging with trans HP fans, and listening WOTHOIT TALKING how they "make HP theirs ans disengage JKR from the material." At one point I had to sit at a mall and count how many people wore Beatles/Michael Jackson/HP shirts and repeat to myself "liking (thing) does not mean agreeing with every action (creator) does." A hard thing my therapist did was in a previous session he asked me to write a list if everything media i consumed. A few sessions later after I forgot he reamed me for supporting (horrible things) and I said wtaf?? And he goes "why is a grown man who knows better supporting these actions by consuming these medias?" Sounds harsh but it worked for me.

Idk I am not a professional bur I think what I want to say to others is that if you are ever legitimately angry because someone likes a show or reads a book or listens to a music no matter how problematic you deem it, if you genuinely believe you can tell someone is a bad person or get angry or demand people stop watching or reading it or listening to it, you need to evaluate yourself and take a step back. Yes, even HP/South Park/Michael Jackson. It does not matter. If you ever think you can know someone's personal beliefs or their personality based on the media they consume, it's time to take a step back. There are no shortcuts to knowing how a person "truly is." And if you ever find yourself acting against people and justifying it with "they like bad media" it doesn't matter how justified you feel. Take a step back and get help. Healthy people do not hurt others and justify that abuse with "they deserve it."

My bad, the Larry shipper asks are still floating in my inbox because of the way I've posted these, and I had issues getting the set of your asks to post so when I went to re-do it I must've started at one of those instead. Woops!

Anyway I'm really glad to hear you've found effective therapy. And this is very good advice for people here because yeah... there's a LOT of discourse all the time on this damn site about whether or not liking ~problematic~ media makes you a bad person. Of course it doesn't! So definitely, get help if someone else's media preferences are causing you distress, because they shouldn't.

You can also just like. Ignore that person. You can even block them if you feel like you need to, just don't make it their problem, and find someone to talk to about WHY you feel that way.

[hismercytomyjustice]

God, on the panel on OCD and Perfectionism this morning, one of the panelists was talking about how he used to massively over-prepare for public speaking engagements. Until one day his mentor saw his meticulous notes for his presentation, offered to help him, and then ripped them up and threw them away in front of him.

First of all, I would have fucking died. But it worked for him! I get why, it was about giving himself permission to not be perfect. To be human and to fuck up! To know one bad or meh presentation wasn’t the end of the world!

They also had everyone fill out this chart together of words ranging from “total failure” to “great,” showing all the words in between like “fair” and “good enough” to highlight how everything isn’t 100% failure or 100% perfection.

It was definitely eye opening! And also terrifying!

But I am trying very hard to lean into it. Even if it makes me want to peel my fucking skin off!

I second guess just about every single fucking thing in my life and it’s fucking exhausting. Yay, OCD! It keeps trying to creep back into my writing again too.

Some super fun spirals have been “you wasted your time writing this, no one will read it,” “your replies to comments are too long, people are going to think you’re cringe and psychotic and will wise up and stop reading and commenting on your shit because you make them uncomfortable,” “you’ll never be as good/attain as wide a reach as this/that writer,” “what’s the point of writing fanfic, it’s not real writing,” “you’re never going to get something original published and that makes you a failure,” etc etc etc.

Yeaaah definitely gonna be bringing up my perfectionism issues in my next therapy session. Because I’m realizing it’s causing issues in so fucking many areas of my life, not just writing.

Like “if I don’t exercise this much this many days a week, I’m not doing it right and that’s as bad as not doing it at all,” “I can’t do x because if I don’t do y too, i won’t see enough progress and y will just keep stressing me out,” “I just need the perfect routine and everything will magically fix itself,” etc etc etc.

I am the mayor of Analysis Paralysis Town. And I have so much shit in my life on hold right now out of a visceral fear of not doing it perfectly, not doing enough, not being perceived as competent enough, scaring people off by not masking/not being “normal” enough, etc etc etc.

I am trying very hard to reduce my masking and to be truer to myself whether or not it makes me come across as cringe or weird or desperate or whatever. I just want to get to better know myself and to actually be my authentic self, whatever the fuck that is. And god it is THE FUCKING WORST but it is also SO FUCKING FREEING.

Ugh, I hate it, but I know it’s good for me.

BUT I HATE IT!

[gabenvrhappened]

BooksOr... History Is All You Left Me

Continuing my journey through Adam Silvera's books, my next one was History Is All You Left Me. Just like More Happy Than Not, I mainly bought the paperback version for the cover, and I now decided that these are the perfecy editions for daily reading. There's something cool about carrying a book on the subway or in the park and looking like that mysterious boy I want to be so bad, but can't, most of the time because I'm a Gimini.

If you didn't stop reading this review after discovering I'm from that zodiac sign, we're all good and we can return to the book. I remember thinking it was better than More Happy Than Not. Adam's writing skills were improving — I actually thought this was his sophomore book, but it was actually They Both Die at The End — and the story had that nostalgic teenage feeling of 2017, when I was a teenager myself, falling in love and fearing if the target of my infatuation was straight or not. Thankfully, in the book, the outcome is more positive than the first book Silvera published, but up until a certain point where everything turns to chaos and depression hits our shores. Adam has this obsession with death, and I love it. I never lost someone I cared about deeply, but I know people who have, and I can't imagine how devastating it must be.

Moving on, one thing about me is that I hate spoilers. So when I discovered how Theo, one of the main characters, died through a random post on Instagram, I was so mad! That's why in my reviews, you won't find many details about storylines, because I'm a spoiler hater. But even so, I had the feeling that Adam didn't want this to be a big revelation, since it was so casually dropped in a sentence… if that's the case, I consider it a bad choice. This could've been a mystery to keep us guessing when it would happen until we saw it unfolding. The way Adam approached this, telling us in "advance", made it lose some of its "magic", if I can call a death scene magic. Either way, I'll never know if it was supposed to be a big revelation or not. Maybe that's not even the case, because the biggest scream I gave while reading this book was when Griffin, the main character and narrator, did that with Jackson (this is me avoiding spoilers, just so you know). It was also mentioned in the middle of a sentence, so who knows.

Apart from that, I really enjoyed the read. I liked how Adam used OCD to give more personality to Griffin, in a humanizing, but not romanticized, way. Sorry if that's something bad to say, but I just feel like I love it when characters have something unique about them, something that doesn't fully define them. It's not something that impacts the story, but it enriches it. I love when authors bring these types of nuances to their narratives.

Of course, there were eye-rolling parts where I could cringe at the teenage dialogue and actions choices, but it could be that I'm just too old for some things or just too jealous not to have those experiences anymore. But nothing made me feel as strongly as reading What If It's Us or Here's To Us. Man... those books are something else.

There was something, though, that made me really lose my cool while reading. Now I think it's something that Adam does for the sake of the narrative flow, so it's annoying but not something worth stressing out. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that Griffin was able to go to another city with an underage boy, being underage himself. Just like in Adam's first book and the whole issue with Aaron's mother supporting some questionables decisions, this type of plot convenience seems like lazy writing to me. I'm sure the outcome could've been better achieved in a different way.

Overall, the experience was incredible. It gets repetitive to say that History Is All You Left Me can make you feel all the emotions and make you wonder about everything. The ending was cool and unexpected, but only to some extent (honestly, from the beginning, I sensed some gay vibes coming from Wade), and I can only wonder how Griffin's and Jackson's lives must be now. Even with the new chapeter the paperback edition bring us, you can't tell that much. But for one thing, I'm glad they're not together. Some things should be left in history, and I'm glad that's what they left us with.

[littlewalken]

Jan 6

Got the hard drive reader in and discovered one of the old Windows ones is fucked but also that I never did take pictures of the billboard being built, which I was beginning to think I hadn't anyway, and so on and so on.

But 4 old hard drives later I definitely have what I would need to prove I wrote a few things in my past when I wrote them. And I wrote some things that should never see the light of day again.

It's all good, I know that reader will serve me well for many years to come. It's a universal one so who knows when it might come in to use. And now that I'm on a 12 gig for my media storage should the housing to that kaput I can still access what's on it.

Ordered some other DVDs that look to be going out of print.

Need to make some choices with a few of the bare bones ones, just make files of them and kick them out.

Sewing on the jointed cloth doll goes well, decisions on the joints will come eventually.

rant time

I am considering making a list of people on line I have earned the right to be grumpy with, and I don't care if you agree or not-

Misogynistic "transitioning" AMAB primarily caucasian and of financial means people who have little to no idea how a the AFAB body actually works but go about as if they know everything, are the new voice of "girlhood" and "womanhood" and try to gate keep femininity and think they're having period cramps when they lack a uterus and ovaries. My Overlook Hotel level of flow, history of endometriosis in the family, and experiences growing up impoverished and having to ration supplies if I could even get them wants you to get over yourself.

Anyone, especially someone born in the 21st century, who self diagnosis DiD and has alters they can control switching between, and so on. If you have trauma that severe at that young of an age anyone worth their salt would be helping you with it. I had someone want to help me resolve something that happened 40 years ago that in your I have so many alters ideology should have shattered me. If you want attention for coming up with characters write, draw, or make videos about them. Playing dress up isn't cringe. Get attention for your creative endeavors in a healthier way. I spent years after my traumatic brain injury wondering if I was hearing alters, it turns out I acquired exploding head syndrome*, and guess what age it most commonly starts in? Late teens-early 20s. And it's totally manageable.

The hooray for obesity crowd that is taking over body positivity. It's my body and my right to lose the weight I want to lose. It's not my job to keep you from feeling bad. Find a healthier way to cope with your emotions than something that's addictive.

People self diagnosing gatekeeping things related to brain injuries and thinking OCD and tic disorders are cute quirks. It's been nearly 30 years since I cracked my head open and there have been months at a time where I can't touch ___ or eat ___ because the texture is "bad". I spent years being anxious about things I couldn't tell if they were hardware problems from the injury or software problems I could fix with cognitive behavior.

*Exploding head syndrome https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exploding_head_syndrome My personal experiences occur when I am very tired, most often when I'm falling asleep or between sleep cycles, and are best described as a disembodied voice loudly saying a few words in my head.

Now that I know what it is, and have been able to sense a bit of an aura some times, I can definitely use it as a sign to take a rest.

It's not an alter, it's not a spiritual being, it's a part of my brain randomly going off because I possibly damaged it or the connections during my TBI. And if I'm taking care of myself and on a regular sleep schedule I don't really have it, in between sleep cycle episodes aside.

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. used to work at a restaurant, now a full time mother of one and is getting gray hairs lefty eyebag 😅 you did pretty good, I like my nickname hahaha

Oh no, if you want you can rant about your day to me. Do your anxiety attacks come pretty often?

I still have this really bad headache. I don't like it, I hate headaches because then it makes my eyes hurt too.

You sound so organized. I remember doing fifo when I used to work at a grocery store. Do you like watching videos of ASMR where the people are stocking their pantry and organizing it all nice and pretty?

Nooo I really don't know my type anymore I swear! I mean some traits haven't changed but it's hard to explain. I don't wanna ramble and bore you haha

Emily has good taste in her favorite princess lol second favorite is definitely Elsa and if I had a third, it might be Jasmine.

Don't apologize for rambling I don't mind knowing more about you and stuff. So when you say raspy, like Scarlett's raspy voice?

The word that makes me cringe is "moist", it's so awkward. That and the R word that people would use to describe others who are mentally ill or autistic. I can't even say or type it because it makes me mad to think about it.

Hahahahaha I love that clip! STELLAAAAAAA. He is so funny as Cam. Do you know that one episode where they were going to watch the eclipse? And Cam was all slathered in lotion and dressed in all white??

- CuriousGeorge

Hahaha yaaay im glad you like your nickname from me. lol.

oh its okay. It's just a living situation with my father in law. We have been having some disagreement and argument for a while, regarding parenting. remember when i told you that it takes a lot for me to get real mad or dislike somebody? well this is the example. haha. The anxiety I was talking about was kinda related to the issue. It's a long sorry, i dont wanna force u listen to me. don't wanna scare u away. lol

oh no, that sucks. headache always annoying. Are you gonna take medicine at all? maybe something like tylenol or motrin or something?

haha no, not really. I'm organized in certain stuff. Sometimes i can be unorganized too. :D

well, i'm not as organized as people who does asmr to their pantry but if i see something really organize, i guess it gives me good feelings. sometimes seeing even a little things that really not match or organized can "tickle" me in an annoying way.hahaha. i dont know if i have OCD or not. maybe i do but not that bad. im not sure about it.

For example, my husband mostly let Em to pick what she wants to wear but sometimes it bothers me if it doesnt match or something. So I always pick her clothes or give her choices that I already set up for her lol. Even for her pajamas or clothes she wears at home which nobody really see it. lol. He always said "It's okay, let her pick n wear what she wants." and I always say "No, it doesnt look good, i dont like it." or "no, it doesnt match / it's too much going on and it drives me crazy." hahahahaha. but dont worry, i dont force it, if after I try to give her choices n she still pick her own, I let her.

Or I like my hangers faces the same way, or my money in my wallet, i like them facing the same way from biggest number to the smallest. lol.

I'm like this with how arrange while loading my dishwasher. I prefer loading it than unloading it. I load my dishwasher like I'm playing tetris game. lol.

The same with our beddings (especially pillowcases). I have an assigned pillow cases for each pillow. lol. like, i want a certain pillow case is put on to certain pillows. so everytime we wash all of our bedding and he helps with putting on the sheets and everything, he doesnt do the pillow cases because I want to do it n i ask him not to do it. lol You probably think "damn, she's weird" right now. lol.

haha it's okay, you wont bother me with your ramble about ur type. I'm all ears or all eyes now. lol.

hahaha those princesses u like are Em's top favorites.

yes, something like Scarlet's raspy or Lizzie's raspy. I think Lizzie's voice is kinda raspy sometimes. I think their raspy voice is sexy.

Hmm.. i'm a little confused why moist bothers a lot of people. I mean i gues it sounds a little weird but i dont know if it's THAT weird.

haha yeah, when u type "STELAAAAAA" i read it with Cam's voice. lol. n yeeeeees! I remember that episode. Cam was on antibiotic medication or something n it says avoid sun exposure and he took it to the next level and then the "dress" that he wears got stuck on the boat's propellers. lol and he had to go to the small store. n i remember when it's dark from the eclipse, he says "hello darkness my old friend." lol.

Speaking about that episode, I have been to that hiking spot where Phil and Claire went. The view was sooooo gorgeous. I remember that there was a huge tree collapse there, it's so big that i had to climb it n i could stand on it and took a pict.

That lake where they were at was called Emerald Bay. It's in South Lake Tahoe.

Next questions?

Cheerio!

[m-y-fandoms]

1 Thing I Love & 1 Thing I Hate About EVERY Danganronpa Character Part 1

Part 2

SPOILERS FOR ALL THREE MAIN GAMES

I’d love to hear our opinions as well in the comments or my inbox or DM’s! If you try this trend with DR characters, tag me!

Sayaka Maizono

♡ Her passion for her career and friends.

✘ The way she tries to screw over Makoto when the game had just begun. Like wait and see what happens before screwing over such a great guy? Leon didn’t deserve it either.

Leon Kuwata

♡ His voice actor (English), and how real and human his execution was in that we all would be so scared and irrational. It was just so iconic and sad as it’s our first introduction to the death in this series and we all think: “shit, this is real... they are really killing these kids.” I didn’t think it would be that brutal, just seeing his body limp at the end with the haunting music.

✘ His design is disgusting. I hate how he looks.

Chihiro Fujisaki

♡ So innocent, so kind, so intelligent

✘ Shouldn’t have been killed for such a stupid reason, also they did Mondo dirty with that motive for killing as well. Just a mess. As for the actual character, Chihiro cries right off the bat when you do your introductions and that was kind of annoying to me personally.

Mondo Oowada

♡ He has a lot of respect, understanding and emotions for someone I thought would be a hard-ass douche biker.

✘ The worst motive to kill ever in a game where you know you’re getting executed if you’re found out. Like you’d be extra careful and that’s his reason to kill? Lazy writing.

Celestia Ludenberg

♡ Bad bitch energy and her goth lolita design.

✘ Manipulation and double murder. Bad bitch energy only goes so far. Confidence is different then selfishness. Also, of all the chapter 3 triple murders... the worst motive to kill.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru

♡ Emotions: secure in his masculinity, able to cry, show emotions, and apologize when he’s wrong. He’s funny and likable.

✘ The Ishimondo white hair thing was stupid. Taka was fine on his own.

Hifumi Yamada

♡ Writing takes talent, fan fiction as much as any other style or genre. Also the talent of his voice actor (who also voices Kiibo/K1-B0).

✘ Literally everything else about him.

Sakura Oogami

♡ I love everything about her. I love her wisdom, loyalty, design, voice etc. Just step on me, mother.

✘ Why the hell would she ever agree to be a spy even if it meant the end of her dojo? I just don’t think she would do that rationally because she isn’t selfish. The others would suffer for her spying. She remedies this with redemption in her letter in chapter 4 but still she should’ve said no off the bat. Everyone had something to lose. The dojo wasn’t worth spying for monokuma. Also I just don’t think she would commit suicide. She can’t help the remaining students survive and redeem herself truly if she’s dead.

Kyoko Kirigiri

♡ Bad bitch energy, calm and collected when I could never be.

✘ Especially in future arc of the anime, damn can you show some emotion please? Through your words and expressions not just your actions. Sure she was willing to “die” for Makoto but like I just want more emotion from her sometimes, even in THH.

Makoto Naegi

♡ So pure. I Love Bryce Papenbrook. Makoto reminds me of Sora and I love his design.

✘ In THH I didn’t mind his innocence but in the Danganronpa 3 future arc anime, when people started straight up abusing him and accusing him, he needed to grow a little backbone.

Byakuya Togami

♡ Love my dad, king shit, also love how over the progression of the games and animes he becomes a little more kind to his friends.

✘ Why the fuck did he mess with Chihiro’s body? Just so cruel and disrespectful.

Yasuhiro Hagakure

♡ Funny magic man. Sexy voice.

✘ Please. Please Hiro use your brain just once. Why do we have to prove Kyoko isn’t a ghost?!

Toko Fukawa

♡ Character development in UDG and I love Genocider.

✘ Putting down herself and others constantly gets old in THH.

Aoi Asahina

♡ Love her voice actress and her personality

✘ We really just gonna get everyone killed in chapter 4 huh? Surely you know they don’t all deserve that.

Junko Enoshima

♡ A very memorable villain with great hair and design.

✘ I just can’t stand her. I hate her so much.

Mukuro Ikusaba

♡ Her mercenary background is super cool as a concept.

✘ Too bad it wasn’t explored nearly enough.

Hajime Hinata

♡ Seeing the protagonist be a little less naive, innocent and positive than Makoto was a refreshing change, although I loved Makoto. I liked Hajime’s cynicism and expressions that sometimes just screamed “this shit again, huh?”

✘ I enjoy the way Izuru looks but I hate him as a character. He is sexy to look at but Hajime is just a better character overall

Teruteru Hanamura

♡ His love for his family and mother especially is so cute and heart breaking if you know the full story.

✘ He needs to know when to dial it back and quit with the perversions. And no it’s not just how he looks, Miu needs to chill at times, too.

Twogami

♡ I feel like he genuinely cares about his friends, just hides it well

✘ His death felt like a cop out and poorly written. It just didn’t sit right with me. Also his design is disgusting to me, his outfit and such.

Mahiru Koizumi

♡ Loyal to her close friends.

✘ I just have no interest in her as a character and I find her boring.

Peko Pekoyama

♡ Loyalty. Loyalty is something I value very highly in every form of relationship. Peko is also very hot.

✘ Come on girl... I know how you were raised but you should’ve known Fuyuhiko didn’t think of you as just a tool and you two should’ve expressed your true feelings long ago. Like even in secret. How do you live like this? Also I feel like killing Mahiru could’ve been avoided with a calm talk.

Ibuki Mioda

♡ Cute design, positive vibes.

✘ Cringe sometimes in the way she talks.

Hiyoko Saionji

♡ Beautiful character design and some very good insults and snarky remarks at times.

✘ Just irredeemably mean and annoying. Even when you do her free time events she is just so annoying.

Mikan Tsumiki

♡ I like her design as well as her hair, expressions, sprites and clothing.

✘ I hate her. I just hate her whether she’s in her true psycho form or timid stuttering form. She’s just annoying in my opinion.

Nekomaru Nidai

♡ So supportive, can hold my drink at a party. Respects everyone and wants the best for them.

✘ Bro Mechamaru was a stupid plot point. I just couldn’t stand looking at him and couldn’t take it seriously. Still sad when he died though.

Chiaki Nanami

♡ From chapter 5 of sdr2 on she is impossible not to love if you didn’t already. Just the selflessness, the sadness of the reveal and execution, how she returns to help Hajime at the end???? I love her. I love her hair design, color palette, her personality, everything.

✘ I’m bitter and miserable about her being the only class member to actually die (the despair arc anime) also her falling asleep at random times is kind of odd and she doesn’t seem to be like that later on in the game??? Like it seemed like a cheap joke but not actually who she is? Hard for me to explain.

Gundham Tanaka

♡ King shit, couldn’t praise him enough. He’s sexy, loves animals, and is funny as hell sometimes. His voice actor is a saint and a cool dude and I named my guinea pigs after the Dark Devas (yes I know they are hamsters in the games.)

✘ Come on dude. I get that being from Hell and magic and having evil powers is your shtick, but we all know that you and Nekomaru sacrificed yourselves so the others wouldn’t starve. We know you care about your classmates. There comes a time when it’s time to let personas and facades fade and be true to your heart. I just feel like him denying he cared at the end hurt. We all know he cared. I didn’t like how he was haughty until the end. He deserved better. I love him.

Nagito Komaeda

♡ I love him so much. So cunning and intelligent, always a step ahead. And he’s big sexy.

✘ Him killing himself in chapter 5 hurt me so bad I was like in denial for days. Also hate how Bryce Papenbrook gives him a raspy stoner psycho voice in the game then a light airy higher-pitched voice in the despair arc anime. It just bothers me. I love his voice still but the inconsistency just hurts my OCD

Sonia Nevermind

♡ I love that she’s so interested in her passions and love her feelings for Gundham

✘ Her outfit and bow are atrocious. Also why didn’t she start liking and talking to Gundham sooner on? Their romance bloomed late and it would’ve made for a better chapter 4 ending if they were a bit closer.

Kazuichi Souda

♡ Cool design and outfit, love his voice (also voices Kaito in V3) and his backstory is relatable at times. He’s also very human in that he’s scared a lot of the time or insecure or blames others in panicked situations. It’s not always a good thing but it’s human and realistic.

✘ Gosh he can be so annoying. Sometimes flirting or whining too much is well... too much.

Akane Owari

♡ Strong-willed and definitely someone I would be friends with

✘ What the hell is her outfit? Gymnasts and athletes don’t wear that shit. Stop objectifying her when it doesn’t even make the product or plot better. Like there’s absolutely no point to making her dress that way. I was a gymnast for 15 years. Even those who do parkour (which Akane seems to do more often than actual gymnastics in the anime and game) don’t wear what she wears. Also she’s underrated.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu

♡ I love him. He’s the DR character I’m most like out of all the games and anime. Tenko is a close second. I think he’s adorable, love his character arc, development, redemption, and love his voice.

✘ In the anime/despair arc, Fuyuhiko is not done justice. He doesn’t get enough lines, has a different voice actor, just doesn’t give off the same vibes.

Izuru Kamakura

♡ Sexy man long hair good.

✘ Boring character. I wish he were just Hajime.

Kaede Akamatsu

♡ Loyalty and leadership are such attractive qualities in her. Also she faced her death with such class and dignity and I respect her because I could never.

✘ Some of the voice lines Erika does for her are just weird and cringe. Just random moans or grunts... I don’t know it’s like when Ann Takamaki from Persona 5 (also voiced by Erika) makes suggestive noises as well. Just grinds my gears. Also hate her outfit down to the hair pins.

Shuichi Saihara

♡ I love his nasally voice. I love his design and he’s so adorable. I love how emotional and compassionate he can be. He ties with Makoto for favorite protag of mine.

✘ That sprite where he sniffs his hand. And his ugly ass hat.

Rantarou Amami

♡ Sexy man, sexy voice, sexy piercings

✘ Ugly outfit, and wasted potential

Ryoma Hoshi

♡ I respect him and feel bad for his outlook on life and for how poorly he views himself. I love his little hat as well and he’s the first “different styled” character (Hifumi, Bandai, Teruteru) that I liked the design of.

✘ I hate when he says “got a long ways to go,” it’s overused and annoying, and wish he gave himself more credit. Also hate that when you first meet him he warns you that he’s killed people and is dangerous to be around. Come on buddy, you know you wouldn’t hurt your friends. Stop pushing them away.

Kirumi Tojo

♡ Competence, well rounded, skillful

✘ Boring as hell. I wouldn’t waste one free time event on her.

Angie Yonaga

♡ Dark skin, super cute, love her talent as an artist myself.

✘ Gives religious people a bad name and is super manipulative which I hate.

Tenko Chabashira

♡ I relate to her and feel bad when she’s misunderstood. She’s a good person deep down. Also love her sprites.

✘ There’s more cunning, funny and clever ways to write her digs at men.

Korekiyo Shunguuji

♡ I’m in love with this man. Long hair, voice, mystery, mask, intelligence, passion, talent.

✘ He definitely was a victim of abuse and a lot of people refuse to see that and just hate him. Team Danganronpa should’ve given him a redemption arc where he realized his sister abused him and changed.

Gonta Gokuhara

♡ I love his design except for his suit. Also he’s so cute and naive. I cried for his trail.

✘ No need talk like caveman. Better way to do this.

Kokichi Ouma

♡ Like Nagito, I value his intelligence and crazy cunning.

✘ Shouldn't have died. Also shouldn’t have manipulated Gonta. That was just cruel.

Miu Iruma

♡ She has her hilarious moments and her death surprised me and was sad.

✘ Sometimes she lacks basic empathy, i.e. calling Tenko “Tencrotch” when she just fucking died.

Maki Harukawa

♡ Amazing character development. Didn’t see her surviving until the end at the start. Also her love and passion for Kaito.

✘ “Do you wanna die?” gets old.

Kaito Momota

♡ Just the overall best bro you could ever have.

✘ Has some toxic masculinity issues and anger issues.

K1-B0

♡ Pretty much everything about him. His design, his attitude and personality, especially how amazing and cool he is chapter 5 onward, his execution made me so sad. He’s so innocent and funny without trying.

✘ When you do his free time events he’s very arrogant and just talks about himself a lot... it seems odd and not similar to the Kiibo we see throughout the game.

Himiko Yumeno

♡ Super cute design, love her voice and “Nyeh...” and her sprites. Her character development is great as well.

✘ Why did they take so long to make her important and likable?

Tsumugi Shirogane

♡ An excellent and well hidden reveal

✘ I hate her. So annoying, from the voice to the references and her personality.

[supercxrpschild]

hearts to heal

hi, please read this prior to reading the piece !

so, i wrote this over the last few days. I was not in a good place, and I needed to write something cathartic. I wrote this because I feel so utterly alone and to have not one, but 4 people care so deeply about you, to hold you, to comfort you, take care of you - I crave it more than anything. 

there is a trigger warning for self-harm. it is not romanticed, this isn’t a story of giving up. it’s a story of family and hope - but please do be aware that there is scenes depicting it. there is also mentions of OCD, anxiety and depression. 

please be kind about this work, as i wasn’t sure whether or not to share it. 

Word Count: 2146 (i think my longest yet? it kinda got away from me...)

Alex frowned at the text she just received. It was from your school alerting her that you had not turned up to your first class.

“Something the matter, Director?” Brainy queries, leaning across the desk.

Alex looks up, “hm?”

“Your face has contorted into a displeased expression.”

“Oh, sorry Brainy. It’s all good, it’s just y/n. She didn’t turn up at school.”

Brainy furrows his brows, “That would make it day number 4, wouldn’t it, Director Danvers?”

Alex thought for a minute - he was right. She had been so wrapped up in work that she couldn’t keep track of days. She didn’t realise this was the fourth day within a week that she had been alerted by the High School of your non-attendance. What else hadn’t she noticed?

“Dammit. Brainy, I’ve gotta go. Do you think you could cover for me today? I know we have a lot of stuff going on but-”

“I will be happy to assume your duties for today, Director.” Alex smiles gratefully as she moves to go grab her stuff and head home,

“Thank you Brainy, I owe you.”

Alex rushed to her car, bumping into Kara on the way.

“Alex? Where are you going?”

“Shit, I’m sorry Kara, I forgot about our lunch today.” Kara shook her head and held her sister’s wrist, “Don’t worry about that, what’s up?”

“It’s y/n, she hasn’t been going to school and I just, I’ve been so busy here and we’ve barely even caught each other. I’m going home to check on her, I’m just so worried Kara, what if something’s really wrong and I just never noticed?” Kara moved her hand, so it was now holding Alex’s, trying to ground her some.

“Hey, whatever’s going on, it’ll be okay. You had a lot on this week, with the President visiting and then those alien’s taking hostages downtown. Y/n and you have an understanding for when work becomes like this. It’ll be okay.” Alex nods, rubbing her free hand across her face. “Now go get home to your girl, okay? And call me if you need anything. I’m with Lena tonight, but we can both come if need be.”

Alex thanked her sister again and then drove home, her heart beating out of her chest as she climbed the stairs to both of your apartment.

“Y/n?! Y/n, honey I got a text from the school – they said you weren’t there.” Alex called out as she dropped her bags.

“Y/n?” Alex looked around, everything was off and untouched.

As she walked around the apartment, she ran her hand through her hair, messing it from the slicked back style she had put it in a few hours before.

She walked into your room, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw your curled up in bed asleep. She debated for a moment on whether to wake you up or not, eventually going over and sitting by you, rubbing your arm softly.

“Mom?” you mumbled sleepily,

“Yeah honey.” You blinked the sleep out of your eyes,

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Alex said, her hand now moving the brush the hair from your face.

You shifted uncomfortably. It had been a good week of being able to hide everything from your mom, but it was never going to last forever.

“Y/n?, you wanna tell me why you haven’t been going to school?” You shook your head and tried to snuggle back down into your covers.

Alex moved so you were facing her again after turning away,

“Y/n, I’m so sorry I haven’t been here. But I’m here now and I need you to tell me what’s going on.” Your mom’s gentle hand threaded through your hair, though she chose not to comment on the state of it.

“I’m fine mom.” Alex used her free hand to move your face towards her. Your eyes were sunken in, dark circles under them. Your face was red and splotchy, and you looked exhausted.

“Baby, I can tell right now that you are not fine, so out with it.”

Tears began welling up in your eyes. You couldn’t break now, not after hiding things for months and months. What would she do when she finds out? Probably send you away, probably hate you.

You pushed the tears away, swiping at them furiously. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“I know you don’t want to, y/n.”

“Then why won’t you leave me alone?!” Alex sat shocked; you had never raised your voice at her.

“Y/n- ”

“No! I don’t want help; I don’t need help. I am FINE.” You huffed and turned away.

Alex decided to give you a moment. A moment so she could think about what to do next. She didn’t want to force you to open up to her, because then it would lack genuineness and could damage the trust between you both. But she was so damn worried about you.

Within that minute that Alex had left you alone for, you managed to get past her and lock yourself in the bathroom – Alex only becoming aware when she heard the door shut.

“Dammit y/n.” She whispered to herself before knocking on the door.

“What mom!? Am I not allowed to pee alone anymore?!” You and her both knew that wasn’t what you were doing; and knowing your mom – a badass DEO agent – you had very limited time before the door was busted open.

You felt below the sink, pulling the blade from where you’d hidden it. Wasting no time, you slashed at your thighs, the relief immediate.

Right on time, Alex forced the door open.

“Oh baby.” You looked up at her, begging her not to get any closer. “Let’s put that down, alright y/n? Then we can get you cleaned up and talk.” You shook your head, feeling yourself become unwound.

“No, please. I just, I just need to do it two more times. It doesn’t work if its only once, please mom please.” Alex cringed slightly, how didn’t she notice that you had been on a downward spiral? That your OCD was coming back full force? That your eating habits changed, that your anxiety and depression were spiking again – how didn’t she realise?

“Y/n, please put it down.” You scooted across the floor, putting as much distance between you both as you could.

“I need it mom, please.” Tears rolled down your cheeks with no sign of stopping. Alex was doing the most to keep hers at bay. She couldn’t do this.

You look down at your thigh, blood dripping. You didn’t notice your mom flipping open her watch and pressing the button that had your aunt rushing through the door within the minute.

“Kara, please, I can’t – I don’t wanna hurt her. I don’t know how to stop her.” Kara took over, seeing her sister’s frantic state and pulled you into her lap, shushing you softly. You were no match for her kryptonian strength as she threw the blade towards your mom, who then flushed it.

You wailed and wailed, trying desperately to get out of Kara’s grip. She never wavered, just calmly whispering to you. Eventually, Alex pulled herself together and sat down on the bathroom floor with you both, noticing you beginning to stop fighting.

“My sweet, sweet girl.” She whispered, holding your face in her hands, kissing away the tears of anguish and suffering.

“Mommy.” You reached out from your Auntie Kara’s grip, latching onto Alex. “’m sorry mommy, ‘m sorry.”

“Shhh, shhh honey. It’s all okay. I’ve got you.” Alex paid no attention to the blood that was getting over her clothes. All she cared about was holding you tight.

Kara sat quietly, watching her niece and her sister who were both clearly in pain and scared. Alex usually always had control of situations, so when Kara came in to see her frozen and desperate it scared her.

“Hey, I think we should have a look at your leg, y/n.” Kara said softly, not wanting to break up the mother-daughter moment; but being the only one who got a good look at your thigh, she knew the depth of the wounds.

Alex tried to ease you off her, coaxing you until you eventually let go. She didn’t realise the damage you’d done. Not only the new, deep cuts; but the hundreds of scars covering your skin. She felt like she’d failed.

“Baby, I think you need stitches for a couple of these.” Alex said, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“I’m not getting stitches. It’s fine, Mom.” Kara interjected,

“They’re pretty bad sweetheart.”

You shook your head. “I’m not going to a hospital. You can’t make me.”

Kara looked at Alex, trying to see if they were on the same page.

“We could call Lena, then her and I can do it.” Your mom says, nodding to Kara who pulls out her phone.

Kara lifted you onto the bathroom counter. There were some perks to having two people trained in some sort of medicine in your chosen family, you guessed. They could perform small things like this. But sometimes, like today, it just didn’t make things any easier. Your Aunt Kara tried to talk to you, keeping your eyes on her as her sister and girlfriend cleaned your wounds and stitched them up. You had tears of pain dripping down your face, but your bared it. Just.

“We’re done, y/n. You did so well darling.” You blushed slightly at Lena’s praise. Reaching for your mom, she had no hesitation in pulling you into her arms, albeit struggling a little.

There was a knock at the door, and given you wouldn’t let your mom go, Kara went and answered it.

It was Kelly, who had brought over homemade soup, bread and some ice-cream.

With you still attached to her hip, Alex kissed her girlfriend and whispered a small thank-you. Kelly smiled knowingly and rubbed your shoulder.

The four older women would do anything to make sure the youngest of their family was okay, and seeing you so obviously not, was painful.

“Should we eat something bub?” Alex asked gently, you shook your head. “Kelly brought your favourites.” You shook your head again,

“Don’t wanna eat.” Alex sighed. You’d truly slipped so far backwards.

She tried to put you down on the couch, eventually compromising so you were sitting on her lap. It was a long hour of persuading and encouragement from all four women, but you ended up eating something.

Kara tried to lighten the mood, talking about anything and everything to keep your mind off the food. It worked for the most part, but you just couldn’t stop thinking about how utterly fat you were. You shouldn’t need to eat.

It felt like you were just a lifeless sack, being passed from one person to another; your brain having difficulty processing what was going on until it was happening. Your mom placed you into a full tub, scrubbing your dirty hair and body. There was faint commotion somewhere else in the apartment, but you couldn’t focus long enough to figure out what it was.

Kara and Lena worked on changing your bed, giving you fresh sheets and blankets. Kelly called a couple contacts she had that were good at working with adolescents. It would be hard to bring up the fact that you have to go back to therapy; you weren’t too fond of it. But Kelly was happy to help make it as comfortable as it can be, even looking for someone who was in the same building as her so she could be there if need be.

Lena offered to braid your hair while your mom, aunt Kara and Kelly talked outside. You welcomed the attention and began to drop off as nimble fingers threaded through your freshly washed hair, despite it only being the afternoon.

“You can go to sleep darling, it’s okay.” Lena said gently as she finished the second braid. You surprised her by turning into her and nuzzling her neck; desperate for the comfort wherever you could find it after isolating yourself for so long.

Alex walked in, telling Lena that both Kara and Kelly had to go back to work, at least for an hour or two.

“I’m happy to stay if you both need someone here?” Lena replies, smoothing your hair as you get nearer to sleep.

“Thank you, Lena. But we’ll be alright; plus, I’m pretty sure the other two are coming back tonight, if you want to come too. They’re worried about her.” Lena nods,

“I am too.” Alex realises how much you mean to all four of them. This little girl, who was maybe not so little, had such a huge part of their hearts – hearts that now ached alongside yours. Though, hopefully, they would be hearts to help heal yours, too.

[emachinescat]

I've decided to watch MacGyver from the beginning (again), and I'm live tweeting the experience with every tweet tagged with #savemacgyver. I thought it would be fun to share my collected thoughts from the episodes on here as well.

My Thoughts on S1E2, "Metal Saw"

Seriously love the music in this show!

THE FREAKING BELT GRAB. You can tell they've done this kind of thing before.

I always love it when Jack and Mac have heart-to-hearts in the middle of super intense, dangerous situations. Like... it's sweet, but time and place, guys?

"Hi, I'm Jack." Nervous Jack is bebby.

Ew, sweat. Like, I know it's "realism" to have sweat stains on clothes in situations like these, but that's one bit of realism I can always do without. Gross.

Is that a bit of PTSD I'm seeing with Mac there on the couch? That's a kind of realism I can always get behind.

Riley finding Mac and Boze in that compromising position will never not be funny. "But he was on top." I love Riley more every episode.

Riley is a really good liar from day one.

I love the joke about ex-cons benefiting from being in relationships with stable people (i.e., fake boyfriend Bozer), then the immediate cut to Bozer with his whole arm inside the vending machine. Great stuff.

Love the Riley and Bozer bonding... right up until the cringe-tastic "Slide me your digits."

"Soon, I'm gonna woo you the same way Romeo would have wooed Juliet if they had Snapchat back in the Renaissance." Bozer and his surprisingly accurate pickup lines. The Renaissance did in fact start in Italy around the 14th century, when R&J is thought to take place.

I love all this psychoanalyzing of Mac. "Adapting is his survival mechanism." Also I'm living for Jack sticking up for Mac to Patti.

"This place has been searched by everybody and their dog." Is this a Texas thing or an old guy saying? Either way it's great.

Nothing beats the early days of Mac and Jack. Nothing. I wish we had gotten more interactions where Jack has to parent Mac: "Stop touching that. Look at me." ❤️❤️❤️

Jack so concerned about Mac and putting on the kid gloves = everything I could have ever asked for and more.

Jack has such a big heart. Poor guy, the look on his face when he sees that the reporter is actually Sarah...

Paperclip sculptures: When I first started watching the show, I thought they were lame. Now I miss them so much. Does that mean I've gotten lamer or that they were always cool and I was always lame?

"Closest time I ever came to coming home in a box." Oof. This line hits different now, and not in a good way.

I just love how Jack is this big tough ex-Delta who is so open about his emotions, particularly with Mac. And the way Mac reassures him... Their bromance is top-tier.

"Oh, like when they invented fire!" Another zinger.

Mac grabbing that giant cigar right out of that dude's mouth 😂😂😂

Love some good fight-scene Mac whump! 👏👏👏 And bar fights are always a blast!

Riley with the car door - such a boss. "What? You told me to stay in the car, and I did."

I've seen some people say they don't like S1 Mac's hair. I kind of dig it, to be honest. He looks like he's 5, but I love it.

Mac has made a lot of DIY cutting torches in his time, but they never get less impressive.

Jack trusting Mac to save Sarah while he keeps watch is just *chef's kiss*!

These early episodes have so many MacGyverisms. One right after the other. It's awesome.

I've never been a big fan of the dark either, Mac.

The first scene with Mac and Sarah is so beautifully tense and whumpy (he way he scrabbles for purchase, gasps for breath, that hitch in his voice as he tries to squeak out Jack's name) that I had to rewind and watch it again.

The hopeful disbelief in her voice: "Jack Dalton came for me?"

Sarah can kick some serious ass. I can see why Jack likes her. Too bad she's about to lead him on the rest of the episode, while actually having a fiance...

Sarah: *leans out of car, shooting her weapon with deadly, terrifying precision* Riley: I agree, this woman should not have kids. 😂 Everything that comes out of Riley's mouth is gold.

Riley asleep in the back of the car while Mac sits quietly and Jack and Sarah have a sweet moment is like mom and dad with the kids in the backseat. Except mom has a fiance and hasn't told dad yet, even though she's had ample opportunity.

Because seriously, Sarah. It's not that hard to tell him the truth. Giving him those big eyes and flirting with him, thinking he has a chance is just cruel. I have never liked her character, and this is why.

Mac and Jack giggling about Jack's crush on Sarah like middle-school girls is life.

"You're just gonna have to let that go." Man, I love their relationship.

Gosh, the scene where they find Luis always hurts so badly. These early episodes did not play around.

"There isn't always time to beg some suit back home for permission to do what's right." I'm not a fan of Sarah, but I love this line. Also, this is pretty much the synopsis of the whole show.

Riley's hair used to be so LONG! 😍

The loyalty of these three! And I love the OG trio so much.

This sleazy guy in the computer place makes my skin crawl.

Love how Patti's like, "Mac will be back by then." Not Jack, not Riley. Just Mac. Can we say teacher's pet? I actually lowkey love this though.

"Who is this guy?" Much like Doctor Who's "It's bigger on the inside," I never get tired of people being equally amazed and confused at the stuff Mac can do.

I've never been the biggest car chase junkie, but Barrios jumping over the car using that log in the road is pretty dope.

Sarah's rage is chilling. And Jack talking her down breaks me every time.

Again, I love the loyalty of our team. Everyone sticks up for each other, ending with Mac's totally unbelievable but still somehow 100% genuine "It was me. I forced them." TOO good.

First mention of Oversight this early. Just thinking about who it is that doesn't like unsanctioned ops just makes me 😤 I wonder if the writers knew who OS was at this point or if it was a later development.

I do wish we could have gotten more conspiratorial, approving Patti. She's so much better than expressionless, bland Patti.

The way Sarah never told Jack about her fiance Jeff (who is in fact a cinnamon roll but still a discount Jack) pisses me off. "I tried to tell you." Yeah, right. It's not that hard to say, "Yo, I'm in a relationship."

Jack NEVER should have found out about Jeff the way he did. There's no excuse.

It's not okay, Jack. She did you wrong. You didn't deserve that. Stand up for yourself, man. Gosh, he's so broken here, and I hate it.

"At least we have each other... Don't look at me. I know how weird it sounded." THESE TWO I SWEAR 🤣🤣🤣

Poor Mac. I do love how we get his obsessive tendencies so early in the show, and how they keep coming back, even as late as season 5. As someone with clinically diagnosed OCD, this makes me feel seen and I love being able to relate to my favorite character.

Love the found family antics at the end. Riley and Bozer making dinner while Mac and Jack play basketball? Perfection.

Lol, Bozer calling Riley a "caramel goddess" has such Schmidt/Cece vibes from New Girl, and I dig it!

Ew. More sweat. I know some people find sweaty men attractive, but that is NOT my vibe. I prefer my men clean and freshly laundered.

The way Riley glances back over her shoulder at them as she walks away, as if to make sure they're really there, that this is actually real!!!

"That's not even... that's true, actually. That's sad." Jack 🤣 Also, "I'm hungry." Big mood.

As a Grandpa Harry stan from the OG show, I eat up any mention of him in the new one. I just wish we'd gotten more of that wonderful man in the reboot. Still, I'll take what I can get!

I'd honestly forgotten how much I enjoy this episode! So solid, full of bromance, found family, and lots of good-natured bickering. Can't wait to watch the next one, hopefully tomorrow! In the meantime, please keep fighting for our show! Together we can #savemacgyver!

If anyone wants to join me in my re-watching and tweeting adventure, please do! It's my way to take about an hour a day in my busy, busy life to commit to the #savemacgyver movement. (And to enjoy my favorite show yet again!) If you do tweet as you watch, make sure to tag EVERY tweet with ONLY #savemacgyver so we can keep that hashtag trending! :)

Thanks for letting me share my (numerous) thoughts on this episode. This was really fun, and I hope it's something you all enjoy, too. I'd love to know what you all think of the episode in the comments! ❤️

[aclosetfan]

“Jeez,” you’re obviously thinking, “what could she possibly say about Blossom that hasn’t already been written about by a fic writer who specializes in either romance, angst, or a cheap combo deal of both genres??? Gonna analyze how she’s not actually perfect? Inherently flawed? Gonna reduce her to a bitch? Gonna tell us how she’s the perfect boss girl? Maybe say she’s awkward? OCD? Stoic? Motherly? All knowing?? That no one but the male character you’ve paired her with can outwit her? That’s all been done. What possible take could you make that is a new refreshing look at Blossom that I haven’t already seen?”

And I’d be like damn, chill, dude. Take a breath. It’s not that deep. I’m not gonna say any of that. Nah, ima do you ya one worse and list all the reasons why Blossom Utonium would be The Most Annoying Sibling anyone could ask for.

Like yes. She’s bossy. And yes. She’s a know-it-all, but everyone already KNOWS that. It’s the OTHER stuff she does that drives her sisters mad.

“Well, I’m the oldest!” “You are not the oldest! We were created simultaneously! You are literally NOT the oldest!” “Well, if we go by the order we were named in, I’m-“ “THAT DOESNT MAKE YOU THE OLDEST!” “Tch. That is such a youngest sibling thing to say, Buttercup.” [temper tantrum that coincidentally proves Blossom’s point]

Blossom’s motto is she’s right 100% of the time, even when she’s wrong. It’s some mightier-then-thou bullshit that has lead her to be on the receiving end of a few wedgies when she was little

She’s the fun-police. No fun allowed! Until, of course, she wants to annoy you, and then everything’s fair game.

she’s a dorky nerd 👏 not in the “she can’t cook, lol” or the “haha Blossom likes to read” but in the “oh so when you said you knew about the Second Bulgarian Empire’s first war with the Latin Empire in the year 1204, you really meant you know about the Second Bulgarian Empire’s first war with the Latin Empire in the year 1204” kind of way and guess who has the privilege of hearing about it at 2am????

Bad jokes. Bad jokes. Bad jokes. She’s got the cheesiest one liners! And the worst part is she always says them right before they start fighting the bad guys

No! Wait! Actually the worst part is the fact that Blossom doesn’t seem to realize the oneliners are so incrediably cheesy they even make the bad guys cringe. So despite her sisters protest, she just keeps doing it because she thinks her word play is so clever.

When Blossom gets laughing, like really laughing, she’s got the ugliest, snortiest laugh that’s so damn funny if her bad pun didn’t make you laugh, you’re certainly laughing now

On her days off from being a superhero, catch my girl numbing her brain with the absolutely worst soap operas the world has ever produced, and after they’re done she makes you sit there and psychoanalyze every scene

She’s a big movie talker but lord forbid you have anything to say during the movie 🙄 she bites your head off

For someone so freaking smart, she sure does fuck up laundry. It’s her least favorite chore. the amount of times the WHOLE family has had to pitch away articles of clothing because something very pink or very red bled through all the whites again is ungodly.

Speaking of clothes, she’s the one that’s always magically finding things “on her side of the closest” so obviously “she thought it was okay to wear” and “really you’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

Bathroom hog. Bathroom hog. Bathroom hog. She’s got too much hair not to be, and speaking of hair!!!! It is everywhere! She sheds like a freaking cat. One time Buttercup had a hair in her mouth, pulled it out, and to her horror, kept pulling until the long red strand was safely pinched between her fingers. It left her overdramatically gagging for days.

The epitome of elegance and grace until she falls flat on her face. It seems like on top of all of Townsville, Blossom needs a great deal of saving herself.

“Can you please stop comparing everything to the Bulgarian conflict of 1204?”

Oof you remember that one girl from high school that was just too nice?? Was always so attentive to anyone who was talking to her? A VERY active listener?? And the evil part of you would go “god what the fuck is her problem?” That girl you’re thinking of right now is actually Blossom Utonium.

At the same time, she’ll blackmail the hell out of her sisters when she’s being petty and doesn’t feel like doing a chore or saving the day, leaving them to wonder if the “everything nice” is just one big ruse. Blossom’s always just there for the worst and most embarrassing moments. She caught one of them making out with a movie poster. She caught the other in the closest sobbing to the latest Disney soundtrack. She’s got things in her back pocket that would ruin them

And they don’t have any freaking dirt on her!!?!?!??! It makes them scream!🤬🤬

And no one believes them!! No one believes Buttercup or Bubbles when they (loudly) complain about how awfully annoying Blossom is. No one believes that sweet, nice, mild-mannered Blossom could ever be vindictive, or talkative, or mean. No one! And when BC and Bubs look over at Blossom, after another person has laughed them off, she’s wearing a shit-eating grin, because they all know no one will ever, ever, believe them.

She blows a kiss their way and waves her fingers in hello, but it’s okay, because three seconds later she trips over her own feet and sports a bruise on her forehead the whole rest of the day. (Still BC and Bubs get in trouble for laughing)

The most annoying part about Blossom, though, is that despite it all, somehow, Buttercup and Bubbles love her anyways. What’s a seemingly perfect “older” sister if they don’t bug the shit out of you???

“If you don’t shut up RIGHT NOW and go to sleep, I’ll ship your dead body to Bulgaria, do not push me!”

[brightbeautifulthings]

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

"'What if sometimes there is no choice about what to love? What if the temple comes to Mohammed? What if you just love? without deciding? You just do: you see her and in that instant are lost to sober account-keeping and cannot choose but to love?'"

Year Read: 2014, 2020

Rating: 5/5

Context: It's hard to know where to begin writing a review for this book. I read it for the first time in graduate school in about five weeks (alongside everything else I had to do in grad school, so I don't recommend that), and it basically blew my mind. At the same time, it's hard to imagine tackling it any other way for the first time. Despite its difficulty, there are things obsessive and immersive and, appropriately, even addictive about it. Full immersion might be the only way to read it for the first time, and I obsessed about it for months afterward. Since I'm not on any deadlines, I took it more slowly this time (21 weeks) so I could enjoy the writing and the nuances without the pressure to finish. For my less coherent weekly updates in real time, see my blog posts. Trigger warnings: Everything, everything. Death (on-page), child death, animal death, suicide, suicidal ideation, rape, pedophilia, possible incest, child abuse/abusive households, graphic violence/gore, eye horror, severe injury, drug use, addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, depression, OCD, grief, racism, ableism, transphobia, sexism, inexplicable hostility toward Canadians.

About: If it's difficult to know how to write a review, it's equally hard to describe what Infinite Jest is about. It's about so many things, tennis, addiction, communication (failures), and entertainment among them, but I'll do my best. Beneath all the numerous characters, timelines, and subplots, the main plot is about a film so entertaining that it kills anyone who watches it, robs them of all desire to do anything but watch it until they die, and what a faction of Canadian assassins will do to possess it. The auteur is James Incandenza, a suicide whose son, Hal, is a prodigy at Enfield Tennis Academy. Next door to E.T.A. is Ennet House, a drug rehabilitation center where Don Gately, former thief and Demerol addict, is taking it day by day to stay sober. Though they don't know it, Hal and Gately are connected, and the deadly Entertainment and those who seek it draw their paths closer and closer together.

Thoughts: It's rare to find a book that is actually as smart as it claims to be, but IJ is--certainly much smarter than I am, despite all my attempts to make sense of it. It starts off strong and doesn't let up for several hundred pages, which is a huge achievement all by itself. Wallace excels at writing extremely polished sections that could almost function alone as short stories, and the first chapter is one of my favorites in all fiction. It's reassuring, I think, to start the book off on a strong note, in case we worried we were in for a thousand pages of tedious slog. It can be both, but it's often heartfelt, insightful, and funny as well, and the payoff is well worth the effort. I don’t know how Wallace manages to pack every page with so much meaning. Anybody can put tedious lists in their books or make reading purposely difficult (and I have attitude about writers who do this for no reason), but there’s nothing haphazard about this book, despite its size and varied focus. Everything seems utterly intentional. The conversations are really top-tier; Wallace has a great ear for how people talk, and it's a fascinating look at how communication works and doesn't work.

Thematically, I think the book succeeds on more than any other level, including plot or structure. If we could say this book is "about" anything, we would almost certainly start with the themes and not the plot, which is often secondary to whatever point Wallace is trying to make at the moment. It takes an in-depth looks at things like addiction, depression, loneliness, failed communication, sincerity v. irony, critiques of postmodernism and metafiction (while being very meta itself, at times), and the very specific selfishness of an American culture that insists on freedom even to the point of self-destruction. At times, it feels a little heavy-handed or like it was yanked right out of an intro to philosophy course, but I suppose something in a thousand pages has to be obvious if we're ever going to pick up on it. A lot of these themes resurface in his other work, from "This is Water" and "E Unibus Pluram" to Orin Incandenza's Brief Interview style Q and A (and he would be a perfectly fitting character in that book).

The characters are some of my favorites in literary fiction as well, particularly the Incandenza family and Don Gately, and to a lesser extent Joelle Van Dyne (although Wallace typically doesn’t write female characters very well, and she comes with some issues). Hal and Gately couldn't be more different; Hal excels at everything he's ever done, and Gately has a record that includes accidental homicide on it. Hal is the hero of non-action, since little that happens in the book is engineered by him, while Gately is closer to the more typical hero of action, who defends the undeserving at great cost to himself. Yet their struggles with addiction are similar, and they both manage to be incredibly sympathetic characters. In my opinion, the book is always at its best when we’re with Hal or Gately, but I’m strongly driven by good characters. Despite being dead, James Incandenza's presence is also felt all over the book, from the Entertainment he created to his haunting ETA and sticking beds to the ceiling (probably the weirdest ghost I've ever seen in fiction). He's a tragic character in a book full of tragic characters. The others are too numerous to name, from the other tennis players at ETA and recovering addicts at Enfield, to the various bystanders populating Boston. We get brief glimpses into almost all of them, and while they may not all feel relevant at the time, most are memorable or heart-wrenching or slapstick funny, or all three. It's a book that contains multitudes.

That's not to say it's always on point though, and it isn't. There are a number of very serious problems with representation in this novel, and they're as bad as its detractors claim. A lot of the 90s humor aged very poorly, but that's not an excuse for some of the unabashedly racist depictions of African Americans, the uncharitable descriptions of Steeply's and Poor Tony's cross-dressing, or--however much I love him as a character--the fact that Mario Incandenza’s descriptions are ableist in just about every possible way. Wallace thinks he's capturing "voice" when he's really encouraging harmful stereotypes. The humor of the novel often doesn’t depend at all on these stereotypes and would in fact, be a lot more funny if I wasn’t spending so much energy cringing at it. So many of the little racist and ableist asides could have easily been edited out of the entire novel to make it less offensive. There are also sections where he seems at pains to be as gross as possible for its own sake. There are plenty of things grim or uncomfortable or flat out distasteful about this book, but sometimes the graphic violence kind of jumps out and stabs you in the eye, say, with a railroad spike.

If there are times when I was totally absorbed in the little tragedies of the Incandenza family or Gately's struggles, there are plenty more where it's like pushing something heavy up a hill. No lie, some of it is slogging through tedious minutiae and various experimental writing styles (some more successful and less offensive than others). Wallace has a gift for purposeful tedium; it’s at its peak in The Pale King, but he gives it a nice warm-up round here. The novel is difficult and meant to be, since Wallace maintained that some of the best pleasures are the ones we have to work for, and he's not totally off base. There's something very satisfying about living, for a time, in a book that spans a thousand pages, that demands focus and perseverance, and manages to give back (almost) as much as it takes. The book is always structurally interesting, but it starts to get more complicated toward the end as various characters and plots begin to almost slide into one another. I forgot how frustrating it was to near the end and realize--again--that it wasn't going to wrap up with any kind of satisfaction; the various plots slide, but they don’t meet. I thought if I paid closer attention on a second read that I would pick up more of the plot things I’d missed on my first, but I think the problem is that those answers simply aren’t to be found in the actual text. Of course, they can point us toward various conclusions, and the novel certainly encourages us to speculate and make connections, but I don’t think the actual answers are there.

That brings me to some of my final thoughts, for now. There's no doubt that this is a hugely successful book, and I believe it accomplished exactly what Wallace meant it to do. He jokingly referred to it as a failed entertainment, much the way Jim considered his lethal Entertainment a failure, but I have the sense that Wallace, unlike Jim, failed on purpose. The book purposely pays more attention to structure and theme than it does to plot or character, yet the plot and characters are hugely compelling for what we see of them. Imagine the book it could have been if he had paid equal attention to all of them. Wallace attempted to create a book that people wouldn't want to stop reading. Reaching the end certainly encourages us to begin again, as the first chapter is actually the last in chronology, but that trick only works the first time. By my second read, I realized that starting over wouldn't help me fill in any of those blanks or answer any of my questions, and I was content to let it go. On the one hand, IJ depends upon its structure to tell the story it's telling. On the other, think of the book it could have been if it spent more time telling a story and developing its characters and less time belaboring a point. It's one of the best books I've ever read, and the tragedy is that I think it could have been even better.