#i feel like ive lost all of it and im so tired of everything
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coridallasmultipass Ā· 10 months ago
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thewickerking Ā· 8 days ago
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3 year old messages cannot be having me giggling out loud it is three am. Sighs. I think more than anything I just miss having the energy to text as many people as often as I used to. I miss late night conversations while barely awake and memorizing timezones and inside jokes and well okay maybe I do miss specific people. I miss the groupchats and servers and communities i was a part of... especially now when I feel such a lack of community around me.... :/
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opens-up-4-nobody Ā· 8 months ago
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#oh lads. its not looking good for my genomics exam on Thursday. its all fucked#i dunno. its just been a weird day. bc one of my lab mates is getting ready to go to the astr0biology science conference#and its just so wild how i got here. into the perfect position. i have a great advisor. a great phd project. a committee member who is super#integrated with n4sa astr0biology projects. and so many of the instructors are amazing. my genomics prof is terrifyingly smart#so is my advisor and his wife. and the program is great. ecology and Evolution. its perfect. its all perfect#and yet. and yet. it just feels like its all falling apart. ive lost that compulsive thing thats always set in my chest#and now all i want to do is lay on the floor and cry and sleep and not do anything. why am i so tired?#its just so frustrating. and im sure ive got the most wretched vibes bc im constantly like 1 comment away from bursting into tears#like 2 weeks and its done. then im off to find a summer job. and find a long term job. and consider throwing away everything ive ever worked#toward. just let it all burn. im so tired. and i dont get to see my therapist until Monday. thats gonna b fun#hi. hello. since last i saw you my life has crumbled into pieces. ugh. i just dont wanna fail this genomics exam but it looks like that's#where we're headed. maybe i should have just dipped out of these last 3 weeks. but no. i didnt want to leave the lady i ta for 100 lab#reports to unexpectedly have to grade 4 days before grades are due. ugh. itll b fine. i mean it wont but whatever#unrelated
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terezamylove Ā· 20 days ago
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i don't think I've ever felt so tired, so hopeless and so lonely in all my life
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yamikawaii Ā· 10 months ago
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i wanna go home i wanna be with yoomiee
#im rlly sleepy and just thinking#theres nowhere thats ever rlly felt like ''home'' to me even the house i lived in for the first 18 years of my life even the one i do now#ig bc in both of them and in any other place ive been i was never rlly a priority i was just.someone existing there#ive never rlly been anyones Equal.may be an inferiority complex but it feels like sinking and ive never known what its like to not feel it#i just feel the inherent knowledge that im below everyone else at all times idk#but i like to imagine me and yoomtah as Equal no matter what kinda actual enhancements she has as a cyborg we're on the same level#bc i think the only way i'll feel ''home'' is by being acknowledged as something that is Not inferior#as something that deserves a place to exist comfortably without feeling entirely alienated and lost#and i can kinda imagine what itd feel like when i envision her and i together#with the exact same love and respect for each other just being comfortable together feeling At Home with each other#its warm and comforting but it doesnt feel like much more than an idea bc ive never rlly had it for real#also im aware that irl me wouldnt be equal to her at all bc she can do Everything and iiiiiiii Cant do anything ever#but my si aka realer-than-irl me has cool magical girl powers and has killed for her multiple times so its fineeeeeeeeeee#i would be unstoppable if this vessel i was placed in could shoot heart shaped lasers but alas#does any of this even make any sense jm rlly tired and just rambling abt yoomtah As usual#i want to go home i want her to take me home
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lightnersdream Ā· 2 years ago
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#WHY DOES IT ALL HAVE TO BE SO MUCH#i don't usually get like this. im usually a kind of person that just lets stuff happen around me and not care a lot in terms of like social#behavior and relationships#you meet people. sometimes they go#that's how it is#there's people that we just drifted away or they vanished and it wasn't hard feelings#and normally i get over it. i miss them alot but it doesnt hit me this hard#and the thing is i haven't even lost anyone#it's just ive been so angry and low energy and pissed off by everything all the time that ive been distancing myself#and even when im not like that.. im just tired. my brain is clouded i just don't have anything to say#i want to say something but there isnt anything#so i havent been talking to a lot of people#and im like really afraid by the time im done working over whatever this is. that people will have found more other people they#prefer to talk to more or are closer with or we just find out its been too long and we dont have anything in common anymore#because i know ive been away from my friends more and more of late of late ive barely talked to anyone at all beyond 1-2 message exchanges#sometimes not at all .this isn't abnormal#but i happen to the kind of person who crumples if i don't get some kind of interaction daily#so as much as im empty-headed and angry and bad at conversation i need to be around people constantly#at the end of the day i don't have anything going on outside of drawing and talking to friends. i have nowhere to be in real life#i cant go anywhere. i don't know anyone and i hate my family#i don't know. im scared and lonely and it feels like i can be kind of a nothing person to talk to#dib noise#some of this is problems with myself which i do work on and i work on them hard. i don't want to be like that#i'm bad at meeting people too. i don't like taking risks or new things its all so much#I SHOULD CLARIFY. i am happy for poeple i am close to when they meet new people. i love hearing about them#and meeting them. i just have a horrible fear of being replaced or forgotten
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freshmeatz Ā· 2 years ago
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fun leech information of the day even if it's too personal I given my heart out on a platter constantly and I just cant bother to care anymore
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dovedrangeas Ā· 2 months ago
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i donā€™t know why Iā€™m writing this. but thereā€™s something on my mind thatā€™s making me ache.
i donā€™t know how to cope with the fact that i no longer have a spark for snow au. i donā€™t know how to handle it. it was so deeply intertwined with who i was and all my thoughts and emotions, but nowā€¦ i donā€™t feel any of that anymore. itā€™s not that i donā€™t like it anymore, or that iā€™m not proud of the work i did, it just feelsā€¦ oddly distant.
maybe itā€™s because snow au as a concept and a project is so inherently connected to a specific part of my life, a part that iā€™m just no longer in. Itā€™s connected to a hope and experience that i just. Donā€™t have anymore. iā€™ve gotten sicker, i had to move back in with my parents, iā€™ve recovered from some of the grief that motivated me. and i just have no desire to keep working on it, because i feel like i failed that part of my life anyway, so now the project that i was so proud of is just a reminder that i fucked it all up and iā€™m back to square one.
and like, itā€™s not that deep, right? at the end of the day, itā€™s a stupid dramatic fanfic about block game roleplay and magic and angst. itā€™s not that important. but it was so important to me for so long, and no longer having that drive is just. it feels wrong.
and iā€™m still writing dsmp fic! I still enjoy doing it! itā€™s still one of my biggest interests! but snow au no longer holds that importance and i donā€™t know to cope with the fact that i might never work on it again and i feel so empty inside about it.
it's been almost 4 years. and i don't know what i'm supposed to do.
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arolesbianism Ā· 4 months ago
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Some Brute doodles plus a bonus Button
#keese draws#eternal gales#Ive been thinking abt them a lot lately#theyre my other quote unquote time looper#and those quotes are pretty damn big because its entirely within their own control brute just has time rewinding abilities basically#but they sort of did a self inflicted timeloop to try to save one of their friends (softie)#it was. a rough time.#and spoilers but it didnt end well softie in the current version of reality died as a child#the past timeline stuff is mostly nonexistent within eg proper but sprinkles and tali both get to remember some stuff so good for them#<- bad for them. they do not have a good time#butter (aka current brute) would have remembered if it wasnt for the hastag brain damage#I have a LOT of thoughts and feeling on past timeline stuff but thats either stuff Ive already talked abt or stuff Im too tired to explain#well I've already explained everything in this post before but shhhh I like to imagine newcomers will actually read this#but yeah brute is my beloved they absolutely suck ass at being a timelooper they have no imagination and little patience#two of their group spent the entire period of the loops repeatedly murdering eachother and brute Never found out#all because they were too honed in on like 3 staliens to even consider how weird it was that one or both of them would Always go missing#just sprinkles showing up bleeding out like yeah. looser went to a farm where he can run around and be happy. dont worry abt it.#brute isnt stupid but they are impatient and bad at emotional stuff which makes keeping track of everyones issues hard as hell#theres so much fucking drama going on in this gaggle of teens getting them to not murder eachother is a challenge that even the more#emotionally intelligent characters arouns wouldnt be able to solve without a great deal of struggle#so brute spends a huge deal of it all feeling incredibly lost and frustrated and this leads to them making some rash decisions that make#things get much worse for both them and those around them#their arc with how they view themself over the loops is one of my favorite things abt them#finding yourself only to kill yourself all over again for the sake of those around you and all that jazz#fun fact! butters name comes from back when they were brute!#they had been internally calling themself by that for so long that by the time the brain damage left that was the name that stuck with them#brute just never got to actually use the name fully in their version of reality for a wide variety of reasons#mostly the time loop but also because most of the others wouldnt take it seriously even when they tried#this was mostly because butter is well. a fully english word that doesnt have any stalien equivalent#brute just made some bullshit up to act as their language version of it
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shadow-bender Ā· 4 months ago
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#genuinely though i think i need to try and get (back) on medication for my chronic pain#the only reaso. i didnt when it was offered is bc the trwatment they wnated to use involved and ssri and i cant be#on an ssri without being on a mood stabilizer unless we want me to go into a mania#and the last time i was on a mood stabilizer i lost 15% of my body weight bc of how sick it made me and my gastrointestinal tract still#hasnt recovered from that even though its been 7 years atleast at this point#and 15% of your body mass is alot to fucking lose when you only weigh 112 pounds in the first place#ive also STILL not gained that weight back btw#i only weigh like 105#i feel like i look like a fucking victorian waif who needs to be sent to the seaside for their health#but atleast i dont weight 98 pounds anymore bc that was really scary actually#also and the main point of this all is that if i dont do something im going A flunk out of grad school and B possibly killmyself#bc my mental health is actially so bad right now. my suicidal ideation is the worst its been since my early 20s#lile there is a part of my brain that actively wants to die bc then everything would stop hurting and bc im so tired and i just want to rest#but also i dont want to die actually im just tired and afraid#but my brain is trying to kill me#and ive had the strong urge to start self harming again after being clean of it again since my early 20s#like ive caught myself ruminating on it on how much i want it#both selfharm and death and thats so fucking scary bc ive fought so hard to not do either of those things#ive been clean of self harm since i was 21 thats 7 years and the last time i caught myself actively thinking about sucide or selfharm#was in 2020 during covid lockdown bc i was fucking trapped in a house with my ex who didnt give a shit about my psychosis or its triggers#or even my life apparently bc i begged him to lock up his guns during one of the worst episodes i had during lockdown bc my brain was#telling me to kill myself and he didnt just moved them to a shelf kinda out of the way but still easily accessible
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dykexenomorph Ā· 8 months ago
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I seriously think the bos was created specifically to piss me off........that was 100% the intention
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opens-up-4-nobody Ā· 1 year ago
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: šŸ™ƒ#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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conderkyl Ā· 10 months ago
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Big dumb heart
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leadmeastraylittlefairy Ā· 1 year ago
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#donā€™t read this if you donā€™t want to hear about weight loss (unintentional due to health issues)#iā€™ve been struggling really bad to eat for the latter half of this year which is something iā€™ve been having issues w the last couple years#but with weed i was still able to eat decent meals and snacks in the evening and i had been slowly gaining weight until this summer#and iā€™ve always been a little chunky#but iā€™ve lost at least 30 pounds in the last ~6 months bc i am just unable to eat really at all#everything makes me nauseous or want to gag and when i cook meals i can make myself eat a couple bites so im not starving any more but#i canā€™t finish anything#and i can only eat in the evenings#from the time i wake up till about 8pm i maybe have a box of apple juice#and ive had a couple appts w my primary care dr and she straight up doesnā€™t care i asked for an appetite stimulant previously and she just#upped my migraine med insteadā€¦.and then when i went back and had lost more weight she said she couldnā€™t even give me#an appetite stimulant and that i would need a referral for a nutritionistā€¦ā€¦.#and that she wouldnā€™t be concerned at all if i werenā€™t losing weightā€¦#and today i was complaining to my mom about how loose my leggings were and i really donā€™t want to buy new clothes and she was like you know#thatā€™s actually a good thing#you starving every day for fucking months is a good thing actually :)))))))#iā€™m just so sick of itā€¦iā€™m sick of my coworkers complimenting me when i am starving and canā€™t do anything about itā€¦.sick of my doctor not#caring bc im still overweight so since i donā€™t look like im dying it must not be a problem#i donā€™t know whatā€™s causing this and i donā€™t know what to doā€¦ā€¦i miss enjoying food it was one of the very few pleasures i have in life#im tired of unintentionally being an asshole at work bc im so hungry and i feel like shit but if i try to eat ill vom#cant watch food videos on youtube anymore bc they make me ill#cant read anything that mentions food or describes what people are eating anymore bc it makes me gag#im just sick of this#maybe iā€™ll try to find a new doctor#as if i can afford to go
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leatermouth Ā· 1 year ago
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i feel so miserable rn
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yagirlyacchan Ā· 2 years ago
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