#i feel like ive lost all of it and im so tired of everything
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#back to being depressed rn mN i feel like my health was bad back im 2019 but like#i still had hope about me#i feel like ive lost all of it and im so tired of everything#i cant even read that fic im just so depressed and tired and i dont want to keep being so hopeless and miserable#im not living rn im just existing and even that is too much when i know im not gonna get anywhwre in life#my chronic illnesses and pain have been kicking my ass the past 5 years and i miss feeling human and alive evem if it hurt#now im justl like a ghost or something performing humanity very poorly#i got like no friends and can barely take care of myself#my life has only ever gotten worse by the year since age 11#like i saw a post earlier about how 'it gets better after ur done with teens and college age' but ive only declined my whole life#i feel like ive never even lived#im just tired#vent#delete later / /#am i even real like lol i feel like i dont exist honestly its just a dream or something#i shouldnt have attempted my therapy homework i know im bottling things and its spilling over but#it doesnt help to talk about the thing that happened it just makes it worse#fuck ok i need to try and just sleep before i really breakdown#depression#sorry idk what to tag i need to go
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#oh lads. its not looking good for my genomics exam on Thursday. its all fucked#i dunno. its just been a weird day. bc one of my lab mates is getting ready to go to the astr0biology science conference#and its just so wild how i got here. into the perfect position. i have a great advisor. a great phd project. a committee member who is super#integrated with n4sa astr0biology projects. and so many of the instructors are amazing. my genomics prof is terrifyingly smart#so is my advisor and his wife. and the program is great. ecology and Evolution. its perfect. its all perfect#and yet. and yet. it just feels like its all falling apart. ive lost that compulsive thing thats always set in my chest#and now all i want to do is lay on the floor and cry and sleep and not do anything. why am i so tired?#its just so frustrating. and im sure ive got the most wretched vibes bc im constantly like 1 comment away from bursting into tears#like 2 weeks and its done. then im off to find a summer job. and find a long term job. and consider throwing away everything ive ever worked#toward. just let it all burn. im so tired. and i dont get to see my therapist until Monday. thats gonna b fun#hi. hello. since last i saw you my life has crumbled into pieces. ugh. i just dont wanna fail this genomics exam but it looks like that's#where we're headed. maybe i should have just dipped out of these last 3 weeks. but no. i didnt want to leave the lady i ta for 100 lab#reports to unexpectedly have to grade 4 days before grades are due. ugh. itll b fine. i mean it wont but whatever#unrelated
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i wanna go home i wanna be with yoomiee
#im rlly sleepy and just thinking#theres nowhere thats ever rlly felt like ''home'' to me even the house i lived in for the first 18 years of my life even the one i do now#ig bc in both of them and in any other place ive been i was never rlly a priority i was just.someone existing there#ive never rlly been anyones Equal.may be an inferiority complex but it feels like sinking and ive never known what its like to not feel it#i just feel the inherent knowledge that im below everyone else at all times idk#but i like to imagine me and yoomtah as Equal no matter what kinda actual enhancements she has as a cyborg we're on the same level#bc i think the only way i'll feel ''home'' is by being acknowledged as something that is Not inferior#as something that deserves a place to exist comfortably without feeling entirely alienated and lost#and i can kinda imagine what itd feel like when i envision her and i together#with the exact same love and respect for each other just being comfortable together feeling At Home with each other#its warm and comforting but it doesnt feel like much more than an idea bc ive never rlly had it for real#also im aware that irl me wouldnt be equal to her at all bc she can do Everything and iiiiiiii Cant do anything ever#but my si aka realer-than-irl me has cool magical girl powers and has killed for her multiple times so its fineeeeeeeeeee#i would be unstoppable if this vessel i was placed in could shoot heart shaped lasers but alas#does any of this even make any sense jm rlly tired and just rambling abt yoomtah As usual#i want to go home i want her to take me home
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#WHY DOES IT ALL HAVE TO BE SO MUCH#i don't usually get like this. im usually a kind of person that just lets stuff happen around me and not care a lot in terms of like social#behavior and relationships#you meet people. sometimes they go#that's how it is#there's people that we just drifted away or they vanished and it wasn't hard feelings#and normally i get over it. i miss them alot but it doesnt hit me this hard#and the thing is i haven't even lost anyone#it's just ive been so angry and low energy and pissed off by everything all the time that ive been distancing myself#and even when im not like that.. im just tired. my brain is clouded i just don't have anything to say#i want to say something but there isnt anything#so i havent been talking to a lot of people#and im like really afraid by the time im done working over whatever this is. that people will have found more other people they#prefer to talk to more or are closer with or we just find out its been too long and we dont have anything in common anymore#because i know ive been away from my friends more and more of late of late ive barely talked to anyone at all beyond 1-2 message exchanges#sometimes not at all .this isn't abnormal#but i happen to the kind of person who crumples if i don't get some kind of interaction daily#so as much as im empty-headed and angry and bad at conversation i need to be around people constantly#at the end of the day i don't have anything going on outside of drawing and talking to friends. i have nowhere to be in real life#i cant go anywhere. i don't know anyone and i hate my family#i don't know. im scared and lonely and it feels like i can be kind of a nothing person to talk to#dib noise#some of this is problems with myself which i do work on and i work on them hard. i don't want to be like that#i'm bad at meeting people too. i don't like taking risks or new things its all so much#I SHOULD CLARIFY. i am happy for poeple i am close to when they meet new people. i love hearing about them#and meeting them. i just have a horrible fear of being replaced or forgotten
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fun leech information of the day even if it's too personal I given my heart out on a platter constantly and I just cant bother to care anymore
#everything went into a stasis for me when i was 15#and what i mean by that is when ive basically ripped myself apart over and over again ive basically become someone i cant even recognize#anymore at all#i dont feel my age despite needing to be im scared of everything and everyone i dont feel like an adult and i still feel like#im stuck being 15 in my head everyone before me everyone after me ive lost myself on the internet and i will always become situated as a mem#Memory of what i use to be and it fuckinfnsucks i dont feel right in my body i dont feel right in my head and i kust feel fuckinfnstupid all#the time everyday every night#recent events from maybe last year resedimented this fear and i fucking resent what happened but its all too late anyways#i feel sick of kyself im tired and all inwant tondo is spend time with people because i cant stand being alone but that means always exposin#exposing my innards my heart and my mind because thats all i ever did as a kid growing up online#i dint know who i am anymore im just leech now or something I don't knownehy im pouring mybheart out like thisni fell so stupid but i just#cant fucking get a grasp on myself i had to force msyelf to grow up and now im fucjing Violently regressing backwards and its just getting#to the point i wanna scream and cry my eyes out i hate that i dont feel secure anymore I hate how clingy i am i hate thag im liek this
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i don’t know why I’m writing this. but there’s something on my mind that’s making me ache.
i don’t know how to cope with the fact that i no longer have a spark for snow au. i don’t know how to handle it. it was so deeply intertwined with who i was and all my thoughts and emotions, but now… i don’t feel any of that anymore. it’s not that i don’t like it anymore, or that i’m not proud of the work i did, it just feels… oddly distant.
maybe it’s because snow au as a concept and a project is so inherently connected to a specific part of my life, a part that i’m just no longer in. It’s connected to a hope and experience that i just. Don’t have anymore. i’ve gotten sicker, i had to move back in with my parents, i’ve recovered from some of the grief that motivated me. and i just have no desire to keep working on it, because i feel like i failed that part of my life anyway, so now the project that i was so proud of is just a reminder that i fucked it all up and i’m back to square one.
and like, it’s not that deep, right? at the end of the day, it’s a stupid dramatic fanfic about block game roleplay and magic and angst. it’s not that important. but it was so important to me for so long, and no longer having that drive is just. it feels wrong.
and i’m still writing dsmp fic! I still enjoy doing it! it’s still one of my biggest interests! but snow au no longer holds that importance and i don’t know to cope with the fact that i might never work on it again and i feel so empty inside about it.
it's been almost 4 years. and i don't know what i'm supposed to do.
#dove talks#been a while since ive been on here#the last few months have been awful#and i just kind of broke down about this this morning#my feelings about snow au are kind of incredibly symbolic how i feel about the last few years and about how its all ended#im sick and im tired and i wish things hadn't had to change#and not to mention. i feel like i lost friends because i stopped working on this#but then i feel selfish for thinking that#and also my interests in what i like to write have gotten. darker i guess#i have an alt account where i write Bad Things#and these things are very healing for me in a way#and i guess because of that. snow au no longer fills that void#but i feel so dramatic saying/thinking that too.#idk. maybe this is just proof of how fucked up my brain is because i think this is so serious and im breaking down over something so stupid#i just miss the person i was when i was able to write that series and have fun#i miss the friends that i had even though my current friends are great too#i keep hoping ill wake up and the last awful year hadnt happened#but thats a childish hope#bad things just happen and the world isnt fair and sometimes everything falls apart#sometimes you lose your spark for something you loved a lot#and sometimes you find something else that gives you that spark but you cant share it with the same people#i don't know
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Some Brute doodles plus a bonus Button
#keese draws#eternal gales#Ive been thinking abt them a lot lately#theyre my other quote unquote time looper#and those quotes are pretty damn big because its entirely within their own control brute just has time rewinding abilities basically#but they sort of did a self inflicted timeloop to try to save one of their friends (softie)#it was. a rough time.#and spoilers but it didnt end well softie in the current version of reality died as a child#the past timeline stuff is mostly nonexistent within eg proper but sprinkles and tali both get to remember some stuff so good for them#<- bad for them. they do not have a good time#butter (aka current brute) would have remembered if it wasnt for the hastag brain damage#I have a LOT of thoughts and feeling on past timeline stuff but thats either stuff Ive already talked abt or stuff Im too tired to explain#well I've already explained everything in this post before but shhhh I like to imagine newcomers will actually read this#but yeah brute is my beloved they absolutely suck ass at being a timelooper they have no imagination and little patience#two of their group spent the entire period of the loops repeatedly murdering eachother and brute Never found out#all because they were too honed in on like 3 staliens to even consider how weird it was that one or both of them would Always go missing#just sprinkles showing up bleeding out like yeah. looser went to a farm where he can run around and be happy. dont worry abt it.#brute isnt stupid but they are impatient and bad at emotional stuff which makes keeping track of everyones issues hard as hell#theres so much fucking drama going on in this gaggle of teens getting them to not murder eachother is a challenge that even the more#emotionally intelligent characters arouns wouldnt be able to solve without a great deal of struggle#so brute spends a huge deal of it all feeling incredibly lost and frustrated and this leads to them making some rash decisions that make#things get much worse for both them and those around them#their arc with how they view themself over the loops is one of my favorite things abt them#finding yourself only to kill yourself all over again for the sake of those around you and all that jazz#fun fact! butters name comes from back when they were brute!#they had been internally calling themself by that for so long that by the time the brain damage left that was the name that stuck with them#brute just never got to actually use the name fully in their version of reality for a wide variety of reasons#mostly the time loop but also because most of the others wouldnt take it seriously even when they tried#this was mostly because butter is well. a fully english word that doesnt have any stalien equivalent#brute just made some bullshit up to act as their language version of it
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#genuinely though i think i need to try and get (back) on medication for my chronic pain#the only reaso. i didnt when it was offered is bc the trwatment they wnated to use involved and ssri and i cant be#on an ssri without being on a mood stabilizer unless we want me to go into a mania#and the last time i was on a mood stabilizer i lost 15% of my body weight bc of how sick it made me and my gastrointestinal tract still#hasnt recovered from that even though its been 7 years atleast at this point#and 15% of your body mass is alot to fucking lose when you only weigh 112 pounds in the first place#ive also STILL not gained that weight back btw#i only weigh like 105#i feel like i look like a fucking victorian waif who needs to be sent to the seaside for their health#but atleast i dont weight 98 pounds anymore bc that was really scary actually#also and the main point of this all is that if i dont do something im going A flunk out of grad school and B possibly killmyself#bc my mental health is actially so bad right now. my suicidal ideation is the worst its been since my early 20s#lile there is a part of my brain that actively wants to die bc then everything would stop hurting and bc im so tired and i just want to rest#but also i dont want to die actually im just tired and afraid#but my brain is trying to kill me#and ive had the strong urge to start self harming again after being clean of it again since my early 20s#like ive caught myself ruminating on it on how much i want it#both selfharm and death and thats so fucking scary bc ive fought so hard to not do either of those things#ive been clean of self harm since i was 21 thats 7 years and the last time i caught myself actively thinking about sucide or selfharm#was in 2020 during covid lockdown bc i was fucking trapped in a house with my ex who didnt give a shit about my psychosis or its triggers#or even my life apparently bc i begged him to lock up his guns during one of the worst episodes i had during lockdown bc my brain was#telling me to kill myself and he didnt just moved them to a shelf kinda out of the way but still easily accessible
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I seriously think the bos was created specifically to piss me off........that was 100% the intention
#listen i havent played 1 and 2 (YET!!!!) so idk what the original intention of them was#but i feel like we have become so far removed from whatever the og point of them was tht its not even fair to call them the same faction#like the change from 3 to 4 alone already felt like such a HUGE jump imo#but now theres whatever the fuck theyve got going on in the show#idk im just making snap judgements ig based on stuff ive heard + ep 1 so far#but its just insane to me how the bos kinda drowns out everything else in the series atp#would LOVE to see some new content. literally anything. please god can we have some originality again. anyone here a fan of originality.#ANYWAYS I LOST THE POINT OF THE POST BC IM TIRED BUT ALL OF THIS TO SAY- FUCK THE BOS!!!!#IM SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THEM!!! ITS TIRED AND WORN OUT LETS ALL MOVE ONNNNNNNUH#i am speaking
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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Big dumb heart
#jessdraws#i havent felt as relaxed as i was when i was drawing this in probably months#life is hard and its taking its toll#i feel like im being ripped open and laid bear for everyones judgement and am shown to be lacking#cause i suck at my job and at reaching my goals and at life in general#my confidence has been shredded by the people i am suppossed to be mentored by#just by the fact that they clearly dont care what happens in my future#they just want me to show up shut up and work for them#meanwhile i can barely afford to eat#and applications for residency well went terribly and im worried i may not even get a good internship#my world keeps being shaken and im just so tired#ive lost so many patients lately and its taking its toll#i feel like ive both worked myhardest and not at all#i know i can be better and do better be smarter practice better medicine teach better#but unstead im stuck feeling like im drowing#and i push myself to do better but then i also jsut let myself go to much#go to easy on myself while mentally berating myself for not doing enough#even my rest isnt rest its just filled eith guilt because im frozen in terror about the future and what it holds for me#forever feeling like ive fucked everything up#feeling like ive given so much of myself to this place and these people only to have it rejected. wanting to give more but knowing i have so#little of myself left#if you read this whole thing well kudos to you you now know what an utter mess i am
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#don’t read this if you don’t want to hear about weight loss (unintentional due to health issues)#i’ve been struggling really bad to eat for the latter half of this year which is something i’ve been having issues w the last couple years#but with weed i was still able to eat decent meals and snacks in the evening and i had been slowly gaining weight until this summer#and i’ve always been a little chunky#but i’ve lost at least 30 pounds in the last ~6 months bc i am just unable to eat really at all#everything makes me nauseous or want to gag and when i cook meals i can make myself eat a couple bites so im not starving any more but#i can’t finish anything#and i can only eat in the evenings#from the time i wake up till about 8pm i maybe have a box of apple juice#and ive had a couple appts w my primary care dr and she straight up doesn’t care i asked for an appetite stimulant previously and she just#upped my migraine med instead….and then when i went back and had lost more weight she said she couldn’t even give me#an appetite stimulant and that i would need a referral for a nutritionist…….#and that she wouldn’t be concerned at all if i weren’t losing weight…#and today i was complaining to my mom about how loose my leggings were and i really don’t want to buy new clothes and she was like you know#that’s actually a good thing#you starving every day for fucking months is a good thing actually :)))))))#i’m just so sick of it…i’m sick of my coworkers complimenting me when i am starving and can’t do anything about it….sick of my doctor not#caring bc im still overweight so since i don’t look like im dying it must not be a problem#i don’t know what’s causing this and i don’t know what to do……i miss enjoying food it was one of the very few pleasures i have in life#im tired of unintentionally being an asshole at work bc im so hungry and i feel like shit but if i try to eat ill vom#cant watch food videos on youtube anymore bc they make me ill#cant read anything that mentions food or describes what people are eating anymore bc it makes me gag#im just sick of this#maybe i’ll try to find a new doctor#as if i can afford to go
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i feel so miserable rn
#my bf is in college and im so fucking jealous#i feel a little Bitter almost#because my life is going nowhere right now#im still here im still miserable in a house that im weary of living in#im only getting poorer#its impossible to get a job try as i kight#i feel stuck and lost at the same time#i need to DO something but everything i set out to do i feel like i fail somehow#i get too tired and just lie down and never get back up#i just want to do sokething#i want to study science for my funeralcare career#and i want to go to a university#i want to just leave here and DO something be with other new people im so tired of being stuck here#and seeing my friends get out and do stuff#and my boyfriend get out and do stuff and its all paid for#i just feel bitter#i dont know how to fix it#cynfael speaks#vent#ive been inside just painting all day#im so So tired#im seeing him tomorrow ill feel better soon#i just feel jealous and bitter
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#Grinding my teeth so fuckin hard trying to not b a paranoid hypochondriac#But ive lost all self control lately when it comes to food sleep and general time management#N while i know its literally just stress n brainrot glueing me to my phone#Which leads to lack of self care making me feel worse#Some absolute brain gremlin is still like what if its the pill#Health tag#Flo keeps telling me its my period#Bestie im on prescription all pills no period there is no period happening any time soon#Ughhh the problem is im so tired im not functional#Then im so stressed i escape into readin instead of tryna tackle stuff#Then its hella late by the time i even try bare minimum functioning#N its sooo sooo easy to not eat#My brain knows its an option now n i realise its making everything worse but its still like#Free less stress!#We have eliminated a task yay :)
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#i feel like im the side character bestfriend in a poorly written book whose only role is for the plot furtherment#like yk i only exist so that the protagonist can talk ahout her love interest with me and come to realisations on her own and then go live#her happily ever after with her bf#is life all about romantic relationships???? is this how it's going to be forever???#i miss when we would spend hours talking about the new season of mismatched or show each other songs#now all we do is talk about her bf and after that she falls asleep#im so fuckinh sick of them my head hurts when i listen to her talk about him#and this is the way it always ends i start to hate them little by little everyday and then one day ill be like kindly fuck off i don't love#you anymore#ive already lost two childhood besties cause of this and now i think im gonna lose her too and then i will have no one to lose#she would be horrified if she knew that i think she doesn't care about me as a person cause in her head im so important to her her bestest#friend from 6th std the only person who's privy to everything her family trauma her college friends her bf her sex life#why don't i see it then why don't i feel it fuck yaar#i never ever feel it what's wrong with me are those people wrong or am i wrong???????#and ex gf said she'll never get back together with me bc i can handle the highs of thr rship well but not the lows i run away#and i hate vulnerability and showing weakness and sabotage all my relationships and push everyone away#ugh im so tired of being myself
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i remember like 3 years ago i was so excited to go to uni and to be in a new place and be independent. and then i went thru 2 years of hell before i couldn't take it anymore and left at the start of my final year.
#part of me wants to try again at another uni from the beginning#cause 1. the uni i went to wasnt the best and was in a real bad place to live in.(just being there sucked the life outta me)#2. my 1st year was in covid so it was very different - i like the online lessons but being thrown into in person stuff was hard because#everyone had made friends and shit already and i had too !! but half of them turned out to not be great. and the other half were more#interested being with other people than me so i ended up alone and left out alot#but i dunno. i have no clue what i want to do with my life..#i wish i could turn back time and tell myself to not go there#cause know all ive got is online friends but even then im super bad at talking to them too#and im in my room like 24/7 and im honestly so tired.#ive been job searching since oct last year and theres like no jobs round here i can do#im literally on a program to help with it due to my autism but thats not going anywhere either#and now im on benfits too and so i gotta make sure to keep up the job search for that#but its hard cause theres nothing out there for me so i cant put anything on the system#and everything just feels like its falling apart for me but everyone around me thinks the opposite is happening and that things are#finally. coming together but its really not.#im more lost than ever but theres nothing i can do about it
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