#am i even real like lol i feel like i dont exist honestly its just a dream or something

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[venomgender]

13 + 22 for cjhua and 26 for dogwalk. lol<3

13. Do they have any disdain/contempt for each other? How do they show it?

i am honestly trying to think so hard on something that would actually honestly bother the other bc it feels like such a cop out to be like 'no they loooooove each other too much <3' but like. like. i dont think so... not really.

LIKE OK. neither of these 2 things would fall under disdain or contempt BUT,

for jaehui, i really do think that there is a small part of himself thats like truly bothered by just how flirty shua is, just because jaehui is both incredibly insecure and incredibly possessive, but he KNOWS thats not normal or healthy bc shua is his own person and they have both discussed and agreed on boundaries a la having flings with other people and stuff, which he REALLY TRULY IS FINE WITH, he just has Issues! so he just ignores those feelings of his <3 like always <3

though of course it definitely does show with the. collar. and general clingy-ness. and like its def different with Strangers (bc jaehui is very much no emotion except nice and pleasant ones for 5 years in public) but i do think when shua and jotch are flirting at least jaehui is like glaring daggers into jotch (at least at the beginning before choijotchieshua becomes real). which jotch is almost definitely obsessed w because hes a FREAK. but you knew this of course

for SHUA, it is of course jaehui's entire "im going to keep all my emotions bottled up until i die" shtick. i think like at the beginning of their relationship it was like pure annoyance since shua could like Kinda Tell When Jaehui Was Lying About That Shit (bc being a catperson makes him mildly empathetic in the same sense that like. your own cat always seems to know when to comfort you when youre sad) (<-explaining for people who dont know my ocs but are reading) and thast just! really fucking annoying! but its also something thats alsways been annoying for shua so whateverrr who caare. right.

but once they like Actually Get Together, and jaehui has a mental breakdown from bottling up his emotions thats so intense people quite literally die, the like pure annoyance from jaehui's emotional constipation defiently shifts to one of actual concern... because bottling your emotions up that tightly isnt healthy! and shua loves him! and he knows! he fucking knows when jaehui is doing that shit too! so it hurts him! but i wouldnt really describe that as actual contempt or even Annoyance but just overwhelming concern...

22. When were they the most vulnerable with each other?

once again the cop out answer would defiently be when they were trapped in eternal nothingness for however long that would be. LOL. because theres nothing you really can be except vulnerable when the only other thing in existance is 1 other person...

but, i really do think the Actual Answer would be right after jaehuis breakdown... obviously before then they were already really flirty with each other + they obviously both knew the other person had Some Sort Of Issues (jaehui more than shua lmao...) but i dont think either of them realized just how much the other one meant to them until that point. like jaehui's break down happened because he saw shua hurt. of everyone in that room shua was the only one (jaehui included) completely unharmed by jaehui. when shua saw jaehui loose all rationality his first concern wasnt for himself or those around him but instead for jaehui. for the first time ever protecting people from a threat wasnt his first priority, it was protecting a threat (jaehui) from people...

so i think once they get out of there + finally have a moment of peace they just. sit there. and shua is of course the one to start talking first but jaehui isnt that far behind and they just completely lay everything out on the table. i dont think shua would have ever brought up being betrayed by sworn brothers until that night (though its pretty easy to infer) and in turn thats the first time jaehui ever admits (even to himself) that despite how much love he has for his master he still also resents him for forcing jaehui to grow up in that environment that was so obviously detrimental for him.

so yeah. post jaehui getting too silly i guess <3

26. How would these characters react to being stuck in a small room with each other?

lol <3 i think jaehui would loose his mind a little <3

REALLY TRULY i think it depends on how small + for how long would they be stuck + how well do they know the bjs atp (which btw for all the beautiful people reading this that arent xander you can learn more about the bjs at @jotchia SMILE.) but for this ask i will establish these conditons:

Pretty Fucking Small. i am imaging my old bedroom that was 10x10 ft sq and barely had room to fit a twin sized bed and desk in. and we will say that theyre trapped for a seemingly indefinite amount of time. and that at this point all of dog walk are bffs5ever (so post choijotchieshua threesome)

i think, at the beginning, both jaehui and shua wouldnt really mind that much. at least assuming that they were trapped bc idfk a doorknob fell off and not that they were magicked into an inescable room (they would be much less chill about this for i think very obvious reasons)

but they wouldnt mind that much AT FIRST. i fucking know shua and jotch would get in some completely pointless argument that samir would start goading on and jaehui would then join in on the goading after a few minutes. LOL. in my beautiful mind actually now that im thinking of this scene specially its like. they get stuck -> try to find a way out -> realize both magic and brute strength wont work -> jotch makes some annoying fucking comment towards shua about like 'wowwww some ultra powerful magic swordsman you are!' -> shua immeidetly takes the bait -> samir joins in on the teasing while jaehui and bernie keep trying to find a way out -> jotch ends up saying something pathetic which makes jaehui join in on the teasing (but towards jotch and shua.) -> bernie is Can yall please either help me find a way out while arguing or just be quiet -> bernie ends up joining in on the fun too and they all end up laughing and its so shweets <3

and i think this good atmosphere would last for a good while. i said indefinite amount of time earlier but to put a reference lets actually say theyre trapped for 24 hours i think they would all be in pretty good will for about 4 of those hours. jaehui can like conjure a couch for them to sit in and food if they get hungry and stuff so its Chill. but jaehuis social battery only lasts so long and as much he enjoys the bjs company. well!

i think hours like 5-8 shua is still going strong but jaehui is just slowly getting quieter and quieter til by the end of those 3 hours hes just like purley in the opposite corner of everyone else just staring off into space. hes so over it LOL. and not even 10 hours in to the preestablished 24 huh <3

i do think though it would continue on about the same from there, probably by the end of hour 8 All of them are over it at least a little (i dont want speak on your guys though) and like obv would all be doing their best to not annoy the shit out of each other (i can see a scene where jotchie tries to tease jaehui to get a rise out of him (bc jotchie is. well. you know!) and jaehui snaps at him and jotch is like ahaha! my bad! that was really hot but i wont risk it beyond that! whoops! sorry!) and it just kinda continues from tehre but by hour likeee. 11 or 12 shua and jaehui are defiently like completely clinging onto each other because haha #trauma and like shua would still be talking to the bjs like normal but jaehui atp is just almost completely shut down only talking to shua via telepathy Not Doing Well At All. smile!

i said 24hrs but i cant think about any like Major change after that whatever you udnerstand. jaehui has issues what else is new. SMILE. when i sat down to answer this ask i had more thoughts about this in my mind and then like 2 fucking hours passed and im still answering this ask and its 3am and the thoughts have escaped me. but thas ok. i think in the 4 hour period where theyre so normal they would play azul. mainly because i cant stop thinking about dogwalk playing azul

[angy-grrr]

Honestly MHA finally taught me something and its that I should just stick to lgbt friendly content and shounen was never gonna be that lol. Apparently it's asking too much to even get a decent lgbt portrayal in such fiction, queer characters have to either die for a forced straight ship or treated like garbage.

the thing is -there were queer characters, and even the implication of Katsuki's queerness, they are real! None of us were crazy! So it just hurts more.

It makes it really hard to see what canon or official products/promotions have to offer as interesting, it felt like a betrayal -they knew queer ppl felt connected to these narratives, and still chose to get rid of everything that could resonate with queer audiences. I hope one day mangakas are able to show these topics more freely in action driven manga, and not just really specific subgenres that try to appeal many times to hetero audiences.

Im sorry we feel this way, fuck these companies really.

Personally I didnt realize how badly it affected me to have no representation growing up/the representation being adjusted to be consumed by hetero men or hetero women (who are also horny) until like, the other day. Now I decided I wont consume any fictional books that arent written by and made for queer sapphics, at least this year I want to try it to actually find... idk, that theres hope, yk? That ppl like me (and others!) exist, that there are ways to be alive outside of heterosexuality and everything it forcibly conquers -the mentality, the frameworks, the love, the fashion, the sex... its in everything, even if it doesn't involve a straight pair literally. Its just unhealthy to see everything like that! I was so tired of it as a kid, I was so tired of it as a teen, but what else was there? This was an obligation, what's good and desirable for everyone, and everyone wants that, right?

As an adult now, im still so tired, and im fucking ready to do something about it.

It was ridiculous to see Himiko, who represented that queer kid who never got to understand their feelings are okay, that she deserves unconditional love, and Ochako, who I thought was that sapphic who was pushed to like a boy bc everyone kept telling her she did and instead couldn't stop thinking about the girl with the cutest smile in the world, become what 431 made... it was ridiculous. Insulting. Pathetic.

Everything we have always seen before.

If they want to pretend Ochako was so in love with the guy she considered creepy and plain and could stop talking to in 8 years, and not with the villain she fought to be close to, who saw as beautiful and who made her confused about everything she believed in her life before meeting her, if they want to pretend this bond based on being the same person but opposite gender is better for Ochako's character instead of accepting a queer interpretation*... They can fuck themselves. Its bad and we know it, we dont have to convince anyone about it, and honestly they probably know its bad too.

Queer Ochako is just a better version im not sorry I make the rules. Anyways here are my lesbians:

BNHA if it was peak:

*you can still see her as queer ofc! its just that pairing her with deku, even with the implication, changes everything, bc then Himiko's character is just her inspiration to accept her heterosexuality for some reason, which makes her ridiculous and pretty stupid, ngl. That's why I call 431's ochako Uraraka instead -I am not familiar with this caricature of a woman who is stuck in "oh nooo I like a boy!!! And we were best friends!!!! But we dont talk anymore!!! And I wont even try to talk to him!!!! oh how I wish I had permission to like this boy and talk to him to be complete as a character!!!"

[irrealisms]

jun wu or bwx for character asks? 👁️

starting off: hi yen if you're reading this it's got spoilers so pls skip this post ty <3 u can come back to it when u finish tgcf which at your current rate will be in like. a couple days lol

How I feel about this character

Im Normal About Him.

the ending is. perfect. the bamboo hat. it's never too late. when he's defeated he looks relieved. quoting myself from discord:

he cannot face being proven wrong, because it means he’s done terrible things and hurt people when he didn’t have to. he wants so badly to be proven wrong, because it means that maybe there’s good in the world and not just endless crushing pain and evil.

i have a lot of thoughts abt him & the tragedy of him & his entire ideology!!! i am sort of failing at condensing them but i have a lot of thoughts about him .

All the people I ship romantically with this character

hehe. xie lian (i am a sicko). i can also justify this to some extent--jun wu/bai wuxiang (i think mostly bai wuxiang, actually?) remarks positively on xie lian's appearance a notable amount, there's the "makes one ache, makes one excited" bit which i cannot read as anything other than Kind Of Weird And Horny, there's the thing where jun wu tests xie lian's virginity by making him bleed on jun wu's sword (i have another whole meta in my heart about swords as blatantly phallic in tgcf but i assume you do not need to be convinced of this lol)--but honestly i don't fully stand by it. this is a ship i have at least 80-90% because i am a sicko. i hope you can all understand

My non-romantic OTP for this character

ALSO xie lian. im complex. i contain multiple guys. the thing is that i have a beautiful google doc that consists of every time jun wu/bwx is analogized to a parent/teacher and xie lian is analogized to a child and it has . like. 30 quotes? somewhere around there? it's a lot! it's a lot. "i have decided that we are the same guy due to The Parallels but also i am going to enforce this and Make us the same guy by Molding You into Becoming Me" is an incredibly good dynamic whether it is slash or gen, and i do think the "weird forced adult-child relationship going on" reading is in fact more supported by the text than a shippy one. also when i'm not being a sicko about it there's also something deeply beautiful to me about their ending, about xie lian defeating jun wu but also showing him this moment of grace. and of course the Parallels which apply equally when it's slash vs gen. also you may have noticed that neither this question nor the last one do i bring up guoshi. this is bc idgaf about him. sorry mei nianqing . he exists i just Do Not Care

My unpopular opinion about this character

im gonna be so real i have no idea what is and is not popular wrt jun wu. what are the popular jun wu opinions.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

once again im kind of at the same place i am wrt mu qing of, like.... nothing, honestly? i am incredibly happy with what we got, i think it's beautifully written and the resolution is perfect, mxtx is a good writer and tgcf is a good book, no complaints

having a bit more of his backstory with mnq might be cool, i guess? we get the huge infodump but it's kind of just an infodump, it is just Pure Exposition, going into that a bit more / more naturally than "guoshi helpfully exposits for us" could be neat even tho i dont think its necessary. as mentioned i'm p much happy with what we got

(ask game, give me a character)

[bastardghoul]

patreon post is flopping a little more than i thought it would and its taking eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverything i have to not literally wipe my main and every other site i have under the name from existence and just start over on priv but i need to calm down!!!!!!! the point of this was never to experience immediate huge growth it was to roll it out and spend the year working toward growth. im realizing now i should have set up at least the sticker tier as a goal to be met by reaching a certain number of followers but im not really sure if i can go back on that. but maybe i can bc of the floppage lol honestly i dont think anyone would gaf. but it's fine!!! im like. embarrassed about it. direly. it's fine. i can figure that out.

this was always meant to happen alongside getting a job anyway!!! i need to keep reminding myself this. it does not need to be huge right away!!! i'd feel better (exponentially) if i'd heard even a whisper back from any of the jobs i applied to last month and unfortunately my dream of a low stakes job somewhere local (like, in terms of management) seems to be somewhat dead. im going to have to cast a wider net and apply at like. staples. but what can you do. it must needs be done!!!! and idk if im at a place where i want to be applying for real art jobs anymore cuz i kinda want to transition back to just being a hobbyist who does comms for extra cash rather than relying on it fulltime. spending this week doing FANART of all things (rare for me, if you are for some reason reading this and dont know that already) has been really fun and chill because it is just for me and one friend i know is excited about it and i kind of miss having that energy across all my art

plus with the way bsky works right now (no priv, functioning flagging & tag system) i kind of feel like i dont want to be running two feeds anymore!!! not only am i splitting engagement i just dont want to be acting all formal and professional on main anymore. like i said i dont really want an industry job unless it falls into my lap and is something im REALLY excited about working on so i might just. start posting all of my nsfw on main and just using it the way i do priv but keeping my side for vents/posting wips

just generally i think im tired of treating art like a job. ive been feeling like that for a while but not really sure how to navigate the feeling or turn it into something... idk, that i can do something about? ive had more fun doing art for fun than in the last week than i have in months!!!! quelle surprise!!!! and contrarily i feel like i get better engagement and growth AND personal emotional fulfillment when i just. let myself be me and do art and post it instead of fussing about every last detail about how i present myself.

idk. this helped actually. i need to go apply for some jobs ill hate but not worrying about money for a while will calm me down significantly especially if i can still have some free time to draw during the week.

thank you for reading if u did. i love u

[raven]

what video games would u recommend. based on me seeing ur posts and thinking ur right even though i never know what youre talking about. also i have dogshit taste but i have good taste actually but its bad

OMG

hop on backloggd heres mine and heres my buddy rory's bc they make points too and are generally more serious than me so if you want to be serious u can go there. More under the cut bc i cant shut up 👍

otherwise my pretentious but #real and #true recs that i genuinely think everyone should play are disco elysium, pentiment, and kentucky route zero.

"theyre just good!" - who's lila?, the world ends with you, return of the obra dinn, hylics 2, portal 1&2, ghost trick, outer wilds (however outer wilds may be difficult for whatever reason- i recommend hollow_tones on twitch's streams although she has not streamed the dlc!)

series that have taken over my life for periods of time, for good or ill - dragon age (2 is my fav, all are worth playing, inquisition is dogshit storywise but has good gameplay, centrist liberal writers that make u want to bomb a church (for the record @ fbi this is a reference to the events of one of my favorite characters in the series, not real life. he was justified), ace attorney (1-3 are great with some questionable moments but apollo justice is the best overall game, 5&6 are some of the worst games ive played in my life, and the great ace attorney... exists), and persona (UGH). i can go more in depth about any of these, but i will go more in depth about persona because thats my current disorder and because theyre the most problematic, LOL. but dgmw da and aa are also problematic in many ways

persona - ive posted about it. im realizing i didnt talk about the misogyny in that post because i thought it was well known honestly but like. my god. the misogyny. especially persona 5 royal. dont play 4. or do, bc i need anyone to suffer as i have, but im serious. i feel like whatever people say, its worse. ive also posted about 4.

if you want to lose a week of your life in a "game for 16ish hours, sleep for 8ish hours, repeat" cycle play baldurs gate 3. its a fun game it takes up your time it has great mechanics! do not pay attention to character discourse baby.

if you like good gameplay, play dishonored 1&2

if you don't like good gameplay, play morrowind (this is kind of a joke in that i dont actually think morrowind has bad gameplay, but it still can be tedious.)

if you don't like good gameplay, play the persona 2 duology (this is not a joke, the gameplay in those games are actually bad.)

if you like gameplay, play any katamari game

also gonna plug one of my favorite genres, nonlinear visual novel adjacent games (lots of wordy, story-based segments but there are actual gameplay portions) these games also are not necessarily "good" but they are "fun": 999 (play on DS!!), ai the somnium files (note that this and 999 kind of require a... specific taste with the sexual humor) these games did have sequels but theyre all pretty bad for various reasons but check em out if you enjoyed the originals, paranormasight (one of the best ones in this genre imo), gnosia, 13 sentinels

also i have not hopped on final fantasy 7 (ORIGINAL) but i am about to hop on final fantasy 7 (ORIGINAL). and i am currently struggling against the current playing smt iii nocturne.

also, games that i have not played but interest me storywise and deserve honorable mentions are baroque (not really planning on playing but planning on watching stuff), pathologic classic (played a little and watched a full playthrough years ago, probably will get back to one day), pathologic 2 (never completed), fear and hunger (played for a few hours and decided to watch a playthrough instead), and fear and hunger 2 (not played but planning on playing bc ive heard its a little more user friendly than the original!)

so thats video games.

[real-total-drama-takes]

im bored and kinda high so heres my opinion on all the reboot characters

caleb - is a character

axel - im just as gay for her as the next guy but there's no way in hell she's final two next season lol but i wanna hold hands w her

nichelle- yass girl give us nothing 🥰

scary girl - idc idc she was funny asf but i am glad she went early bc if she stayed any longer i wouldve hated her lol

damien - one of the best things to come from the reboot and yall are doing him a huge disservice shipping him w priya 🥴 that shit is so boring but honestly? there might be something there somebody's gotta make me a believer tho. CONVINCE ME

mk - as a bitter, annoying, sarcastic individual myself i could not stand this bitch omg 💀 her character has a ton going for it but all they did w her is make every single one of her lines sarcastic n shit and i was BORED

raj - dumb gay man i love him

wayne - dumb ace man i love him

ripper - bro just wasnt funy. i dont get why they make characters who just pride themselves in being nasty n shit kind of a waste of development idk

zee - we can all agree that he was great but he gives me early boot vibes for next season bc like if we're demanding development for all the first season early boots then he's just gonna be there ig. dumb can only get you so far yknow?

chase - him and emma both are such wasted potential like BREAK THE HETEROS UP OMG their relationship dragged the second half down so bad like chase is just bad for the sake of being bad. like he wasn't even funny either just a waste of space by the time he was gone 😭

emma - first i'll say im glad we got a plus sized girl w some fucking athletic ability beCause THEY EXIST yay happy but anyway she was so funy until she got back with chase and that whole shit w him throwing that challenge for pizza was so DUMB like she honestly thought he did that shit for her 💀 like she was CONVINCED bro the straight delusion was insane

julia - she was the bad bitch we all needed and deserved but i cannot sit here and let you mfs say that she played the game well bc she absolutely DID NOT. girlie had no actual strategy other than winning and thas not even a strategy. even her trying to "manipulate" chase that one time sucked too lmao. bro her goal was to get everyone to hate her and win out of spite that shit is so dumb but it's so her so idc we love her anyway

millie - there were so many times where i lowkey forget she existed lmfao i don't even dislike her it was just "oh yea she here too lol" but i gotta say it kinda feels like they used her as a scapegoat to make writing her outta the finale easier idk maybe it's just me. but her crying after bowie clowned her ass when she was eliminated was the funnies bit in the entire show i was giggling n shit bc she honestly did that to herself lmao rip

priya - people compare her to zoey and sky way too much honestly (its me, im people) but when you look at it we have a mary sue that was infuriating to watch , the same girl but olympic flavored whos existence i have to be reminded of every two months, and priya. priya is perfectly fine and she was a nice winner even if i knew she was gonna win the second she was onscreen lolZ but when she read millie's notebook and absolutely demolished her ego i was living. like girlie ate her up w absolutely no crumbs left idc

bowie (the real winner) - i was fully prepared and ready to hate this twink istg. like i was in my homophobic era and ready the second his name was called but omg i love him sm. he was the queen i never knew i needed in my life. and to all the mfs who say his gayness is his entire personally have never met an fem black man and it shows 💀 idc what anyone says he's the best writer character in the entire show 🤭 as much as i love him i cannot let his fit slide. the pearls can stay bc those were a serve but the pants??? THE FUCKING PANTS??? THOSE FUCKING FLOOD WARNING HIGH WATERS.?? why would they do him like that omg. fits like that are why we get hate crimed 😔

ok im done good luck to anyone who actually reads this lmao

.

[lightofthemoon19]

im personally not one to say whether endos are real or not (at this point ive come to the conclusion that honestly i dont really have any opinion, bc maybe theyre real, maybe theyre not, but i still cannot for the life of me understand how theyre real if they are) but i feel like its not an awful thing of me to say that i just dont want to share a community with them. like bottom line is, if endogenic systems are real, their experiences are wildly different from CDD systems. we can connect over having alters, but thats where the similarities end. even the way we each experience having alters is completely different in some cases (i view our alters as parts of our mind, some endos view them as separate souls in one body (i dont even believe in souls lol)). there's tons of stigma and lack of acceptance around both endogenic systems and CDDs, but i personally view us as two separate communities. i feel like that's how we would best thrive, is as two communities with some overlap but at the end of the day still separate. i dont want to be put in a group or category with endogenic systems, because i dont relate to them at all. and just the same, most endos dont relate to my experience at all. i view my plurality as purely caused by a mental disorder, one which i wouldnt wish on anyone. and a lot of endos strongly disagree with that stance on their own plurality. because theyre two completely different things.

idk this turned into kind of a ramble but essentially, im neutral on endos existence and its not my place to tell anyone what's going on in their own mind, but i do think we would be better as separate communities with separate terms and ideas of what we are. i think that's a big part of why ive always leaned more anti-endo, is because i dont relate to or understand endogenic plurality and have never felt like i could lump myself into the same category as endos. i am beginning to unlearn that "endos arent valid or real and they all need to admit theyre faking ‼️‼️" mindset though because, respectfully past me, what the fuck those are in fact real people and you have no idea what they're experiencing. regardless of any misinformation they've spread (which isnt even a valid argument bc ive seen PLENTY of CDD misinformation from the CDD community as well).

[rrxnjun]

ok. i was gonna reply to ur comment but it got a bit too long of a rant HAHAHHA sorry😭

but girl i will never stop raving about ur fics istg like something about the way you write and your characters always seem to hit home for me like i always seem to connect with your characters. you make their emotions and the scenarios they're in so vivid and raw and IBFIWRFO i eat it up😭😭😭

i never used to like reading angst but you execute it so well that i'll literally love it when you do it (e.g. fics like two people, when nobody's watching, potential) IDK MAN it physically hurts my heart I FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS MAN IDK

when nobody's watching: when the reader's looking at renjun thru the years from her perspective when the reader wants to reach out, I WANT TO REACH OUT LIKESJFGOWRG WHEN RENJUN SMASHES THE BOTTLE AT THE PARTY YK????

two people: the way you describe jeno and y/n's suffocating one way relationship, I UNDERSTAND THE READER!!! jeno is perfect, he tries to fix the relationship but IT JUST DOESNT WORK THAT WAY the relationship was way over before he tried to fix it and ITS SO REAL!!!! the inner turmoil the reader went thru and the slow changing feels for mark WAS JUST- UGH *chefs kiss

potential: man. where do i even start with this fic. it's a storyline that i never knew i needed to read in my life. like bar u don't understand, potential had me in despair for the next 4 days. i can understand chenle's pain, y/n's confusion, their complicated love for each other. i don't think words can describe how special this story is to me.

this.... became a lot longer than i anticipated and IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON ABOUT THE SAME THREE FICS OVER AND OVER OSBFOWRGO but seriously tho, i genuinely love everything you put out, keep up the hard work💗

(i think this is the longest ask i've ever sent lol)

i treat writing as my therapy session so maybe thats why the characters are always so raw- NO but omg this is such an honor bc i really focus more on the characters than the plot i think and i really try to develop them really well and stuff and i focus a lot on the feelings and emotions so >:((( i am so happy that you like that about my writing !!!

the paradox is that i HATE reading angst. like if its in a long fic where its mixed up i dont mind and i think its important to have angstier parts in a long fic too but if its a drabble and its angsty i just won't read it LMAOOO

when nobody's watching was such a spontaneous fic istg i wrote it in what. two days? at uni LMAO. i got the idea when i was like,, watching this guy from afar and then i realised i ALWAYS DO THIS like i always have those silly crushes on ppl and never tell them bc im scared but i care so deeply for ppl that dont even know i exist 😭😭😭 but also i find that i used to change myself a lot to fit into social circles and even tho uni was really lonely for me at first that i kinda let go of that the same way renjun did so it was definitely cathartic to write :,)

honestly to this day idk how i even managed to write two people. like i think its the only fic i have thats about adult mature ppl LMAO all my other fics are like college aus and shit. like where did all of that pain and angst even come from ???? but i am so glad u liked it, i didnt expect ppl to enjoy that kind of fic >:((

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON POTENTIAL why are my best fics always the most spontaneous. its literally like in my top 5 fav fics ive ever written so i am insanely happy that you like it sm !!! <33 chenle's character in this fic is insanely personal to me also :,) the readers and his dynamic is also one of my favs ive ever written,, idk idk theres just something about this fic...

i am really honored to recieve this in my inbox its so sweet of you and i definitely appreciate it a LOT hope you dont mind me rambling about the fics i just enjoy talking about my writing :,)

[topconfessions]

I've been following TOP since around 2009/2010, but only for his music and art—nothing else. I've never really looked into other parts of his life. It just didn't interest me and honestly, most of the stuff I've come across online (even here on this blog) feels like straight-up guesswork. Speculation is just that—speculation. How accurate it is depends on a bunch of unreliable stuff like perceptions of the input, cognitive bias, heuristics, or just plain assumptions.

That's why I'm not about to start debating certain topics. But one thing really caught my attention, and I wanna dig into it more. From your replies, it sounds like you've got access to real, legit sources: TOP's views on women. That's something super important to me, and after stumbling on this blog and reading a few things, I can't just let it slide.

Could you drop me some links or point me to solid sources where I can learn more? You seem to know your stuff and are way better at finding info than I am. Big thanks!

P.S. sorry if my English sounds off, I'm not a native speaker.

I wowoulduld suggest hitting google and read his old interviews. Because I would have to do the same to pull up sources and references links. I want everyone to understand he is nearly 40. This group as you said has been around since the mid to late 2000s. It's not hard to find but it's a tedious task.

I would say first off netizen buzz cause back in the day it was raw translated from Naver and other portals on korean internet.

I'll eventually have to carve out time in my schedule to to take a few days off work again in the future to search the web and compile a master list of sources. Thank you for asking so kindly. Your english is perfect. And yeah he would just say he likes women who dont curse, who dont swear, who are well mannered, who wear really nice shoes and dress a particular way. He had very specfic curated just very specfic type of requirements.

I will confess though that to some degree? I'm going to dial back and just post what people submit unless someone asks me a question and I won't elaborate anymore unless its a direct post to me because although everyone should and has a right to asl for sources... I mean this in the nicest way possible - I am not walking encyclopedia and I cannot pull 5-10 links off the top of my head or storage that pin points every detail I am speaking on in regard to bigbang especially top from yearsss ago. Hell, instagram wasnt even a huge thing that I remember when they were just rising up, so in general I'm 97% presenting what I legitimately remember from being in the midst of it all, all these years.

I do remember combing the internet a LOT when I was younger reading all of his stuff but I'm again, I'm old. I'm 30, half of those sites are obsecure now or dont exist or are washed out by new media. Its out there I'm hoping.

Anyways, thats all. He doesnt hate women and gets along with a lot of them but romance wise he was very particular about his ideal type. Also I was obsessed over him when I was in my teens so I legit over consumed so I just cant pull sites out like that. But I'll compile a list when I can.

He's just one of those idols where you had to have been there at that time or dont accept peoples word for it other than sites you can find yourself. I feel like its like someone asking me continuously for proof of lauren Conrads sex tape and proof that heidi said it on the hills aside from the hills footage lol.

[coyote-guts]

kinda bored out of my mind right now, i wanna film but i dont even know what i just kinda want to. i miss my friends a lot, even if they don't actually exist. still weird to think i was just a character, it all felt so real. it still does. i miss vin, jeff, alex, steph, all of them. maybe i'll get to meet them someday in a round about way, like exsisting as a part of the fictional character. the things he did as me still haunt me to be honest, it feels like it gets worse with everyday to be honest. i feel real weird about falling for him, even if its not really him, but he's so caring for me. i think he'd gut anyone else like a fish if allowed but i guess i'm an exception. hes not quite my boyfriend, but i love him anyway. i'm still even adjusting to the fact that it's not 2019 anymore lol. i formed before new years, didn't really have time to adjust, and then boom it was 2025. i wish it was still 2019, that would be nice, things were cheaper and fun-er. people now seem to be so judgy its interesting. the habit in our system (not the one i'm gay with) bought us a knife the other day. benn wasn't happy about it but i am, i miss my collection of sharps. they're fun, in our headspace i bleed a lot, from my mouth and side, i honestly don't even know if i'm alive anymore, i don't think so. it hurts though habit has been working hard on an arg lately, not really shocking coming from him, benn and i have been helping, it's a lot of fun to be honest, making cyphers, random sites, hiding text and links in images its a lot of fun. i don't know if it's gonna get popular but i can only hope i dont think we're gonna sleep again tonight, habit had front and passed out around 7 something i think and never took our meds in turn, by the time we woke up it was far too late to take them i think i'm happy here. it's kinda hard to tell, i love habit, and our partner system, and the people here in ours like gent and benn, and our habit too. its nice to have friends of some kind again, i dont feel so alone. i still miss mine, but i think i'll be okay anyway, sorry for the long text post, i just wanna talk about what's been going on for me, y'know? the people on this site seem pretty nice anyway

[sadblckaquariusgirl]

Ranting Journal #1

i've never known what it was like to just feel accepted. or be good at anyting. ever in my life.

every trophy or award i got... it was just participation. the only time i did get a award that i 'earned' it was for the TAKS test... which is just a standardized test in Texas...that no longer exists so does that even mean anything?? and i was in the 8th grade...so i really don't think that counts.

its something more than saddness what i feel. like a grief but not even that seems like the word. and i'm angry... fuck i'm so fucking angry. because like WHY? ya know?

i keep asking myself like what i did? what is it that i continue to do to deserve the shit that I get. And I obsess and i think over and over and over and i cant...come up with anything. that i did to deserve being so fucking alone. and constantly mistreated. Not to say i can't say when I've done wrong cuz I can, i pick my wrongs apart. but what i'm saying is my wrongs... the consequences for them...they don't align. its like a massive consequence for what? and that's if i did something. Usually the thing is just...me being mysefl. or expressing an intererest. God FORBID i open up and go vulnerable on someone. then its just flat out Neuclear....sometimes i laugh because...what the fuck you know lol

how can i be 29, almost 30 and i don't know what romance means. I don't know what its like to have a group of friends and laugh with them. I don't know what its like to have a relationship with my family that didn't make me feel like shit. or an alien or like i should have been born into another family. I don't know what its like to be taken care of. or considered or seen.

i've never been kissed, like honestly. not just because a guy feels like he has to because we're hooking up. No i want, a real kiss. I want a 'you are so beatiful, i can't express it in words, the only thing i can do is kiss you' type of kiss. i want someone to hold my hand. in public. i wanna go on dates. nice dates. I want someone to introduce me to their friends and gush about me and i want them to be teased becasue of how love sick they are because they think i am just that great. I want to be considered, my feelings, my likes and dislikes. I want someone to hold me just becasue they want to. and i want to feel safe with someone.

but all i get is rejection or negative feedback and i just...i don't know why? its so fucking odd. All i do is self- reflect, and try and psychoanalyze myself. to the point where its probably obsessive. becasue i just want to fix me.

i just want someone to tell me what it is about me that's just so wrong, and off and not right. tell me what it is, so i can fix it. i'm willing to fix it. but no one will tell me what it is. instead they just gaslight me. when i say i'm not getting xyz but i see everyone else is they tell me to stop comparing myself.

thats what everyone loves to say... but like... i'm a logical person ya know. i deal in evidence. and what i see. and the patterns and what happens. and i can fucking see it. how i'm treated vs everyone else! and its different. the problem is i don't know why i can't see what it is thats wrong about me. So when i say 'what do i have to do?" and you tell me 'be myself' i just feel fucking insane. BECAUSE I AM!! I AM BEING MYSELF 100% AND YOU FUCKERS STILL DONT LIKE. ME YOU STILL DON'T WANT ME. AND I'M STILL THE FUCKING VILLAIN!!! So what?? Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me, so i can fucking fix it. because i am so fucking tired of being alone.

i'm almost 30. and i don't have anyone, and i've never had the warm fuzzy feelings, or secure feels, or anything real. I'm almost 30. with no friends, living at home again (biggest mistake was moving back) in between jobs....no boyfriend or prospects.....

i wish i could just go numb from it all. i don't want to feel like this anymore. i don't want to just keep wondering what i did. "waiting for my people" and all that shit. I just want to disappear. becasue.... it downa't matter.

i'm not good at anytihng. i'm talentless. fat, kinda not cute (I'd say i'm a sollid 5.5...6 on a good day with makeup)

i just want to know what it feels like for two seconds. to be praised. and loved, and understood and an accepted and. considered and seen. and be talented an rewarded for work.

I just want my brain to .. idk i want someone else brain. just for a day. i'm convinced that if i had a different brain. one that was never hit, or screamed at or told was 'the problem' or was bullied, or that moved a 1000 times....if i had a fresh brain....i know i wouldn feel this way. and thats what makes me even more angry. Because IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT

she ruined me. she broke me. its like i never had a chance, and yeah its my 'responsibility' to fix it. go to thereapy and heal. But i didn't break me! i didnt' fucking do it. so why do i have to fix it. I was fine before! I was the mona Lisa. and she ....took a knife to it. and so did they....and them after that... and them...like over and over and over.

i just want a break.

and i want to feel my life isn't pointless.

[palehottubchild]

Get to know me

Thank you @sflow-er you know how much j like doing these ahahahhah

Do you make your bed?

Not really, i try to but in reality i never get around to it

What's your favourite number?

3, 9 and 12. NOT 6

What is your job?

i currently have two jobs, one of which is a little hard to explain but essentially boils down to research in healthcare and the other is hospitality in the biggest tourist attraction in my country (which is a seasonal job). two VERY different jobs in very different sectors, hahah

If you could go back to school, would you?

I actually am still in uni and i do not feel any particular wish to go back to high school. I would, however, have chosen a different degree if i could start over again but thats a different story.

Can you parallel park?

Technically yes, i can, but i hate it and it takes ages so i avoid it at all costs.

A job you had that would surprise people?

actually most jobs ive done surprise people, but more so because nobody knows they exist as jobs. In high school i used to do delivery for the pharmacy and as mentioned before now the research job. both things most people dont know are things someone gets paid to do until i tell them hahah.

Do you think aliens are real?

realistically i dont think its possible at all that we are the only planet with living beings on it. i do believe that there are no aliens in our solar system, but i do not believe that in the entirety of the universe only one planet managed to create life. I also think that life might look very different on other planets but im convinced 'aliens' exist in some way shape or form

Can you drive a manual car?

Again, technically i can. but i try to avoid it all costs bc ive only driven automatic cars basically since i got my license lol

What's your guilty pleasure?

reading fic, even more guilty if its from a fandom im technically no longer into but i sometimes just get this weird nostalgic need, you know

Tattoos?

Not yet, i have a design and a place in mind but my family is very strongly opposed to all tattoos and i still see them often enough to be a little bit afraid

Favourite colour?

for clothes, blue or brown. for other things anything in the navy colour palette (so like burgundy and navy and other colours in those kinda hues)

Favourite type of music?

I honestly will listen to anythign that has a recognisable distinct melody (so mostly excluding metal, too heavy rock and some rap) but am especially fond of 2000s 2010s dance music or indie/pop music from anything between the 80s and the 2010s. Not a big fan of what seems to be more modern pop culture but i can appreciate a harry styles or a taylor swift every once in a while

Do you like puzzles?

Yes!!!!! anything that i can use my brain for im down

Any phobias?

creeped out by all bugs and spiders (yes, even the cute and pretty ones) and not a big fan of big animals. slightly uncomfortable at high heights, dont do well in the dark and very very very uncomfortable in small spaces

Favourite childhood sport?

Did gymnastics until i was about 7 and then switched the the loml that was swimming and did that all the way up until uni. hated anything involving running or a ball

Do you talk to yourself?

Not when im alone, sometimes when other people are present

What movies do you adore?

I tend to like any movie i watch. Special mention to knives out, megamind and bottoms though

Coffee or tea?

I like the fancy coffees when im out having a drink or having lunch, at home i prefer tea

What was the first thing you wanted to be growing up?

i dont remsmber what came first exactly but the three professions that had the most prominent part in my youth were hairdresser, teacher and most of all writer. I always liked writing and words and languages and making things but unfortunately that took a stark dive durong high school that im still recovering from lol

as usual consider yourself tagged if you feel like doing this ahah

[nightwatch-ithaqua]

yeah, i figured as much, wasnt expecting anything else. works better for me if anything, i dont really like making new friends under any circumstances, so i wasnt planning on that to begin with. im not expecting you to trust me in any way either, im a stranger on the internet lol..

i hold a lot of pride in myself in many different ways, which sometimes is nice i guess because it makes me take a strong interest in people with shared sources because, again, lots of pride in myself and my source.. it can be a problem a lot when i feel like my identity is being threatened, which is why i tend to not like insys doubles. feels like our brain is trying to copypaste me even if theyre completely different in every way XP..

ive only met one other ithaqua (well.. i guess 2 now, if this counts..? or 3, if our friend being an ocassional irl also counts.) and its.. also a morningstar, funnily enough. were pretty similar, because it split off of me, but still plenty different, at least according to the two of us. although we do prefer to stick together, i think the only time weve been separate was when i left front but someone had to stay to watch andrew, and helel was the only other person around. i could talk about the two of us for a while honestly, but ill leave that for another ask since i prefer to not let these get too long and i have something else to talk about here.

one thing i recall is that the first time i saw your blog in tags, you mentioned you dont have pigtails, which i think is neat because i do! and i actually find it really hard to find any art or general representations of me with them.. so are we just having the opposite problem lol..? id love to switch if thats the case /j .. but seriously i find this in particular a bit interesting. i never even knew my brother existed before the whole.. (gestures vaguely) Situation, but he didnt have his hair up in any way, and so i often see mine as another way to keep us separate.. and our hair is slightly different colours, but i think its really hard to tell a lot of the time, so i like having the difference between us since without my hair being put up like that we look almost exactly the same. more than we already do.

🪷

The identity thing feels extremely real tbh. There are too many doubles of me in the system and I feel lost in the crowd, like I don't get to just be me sometimes. At least none of them are after my dear Alva though. They're all very different from me it's so odd.

And yes, ironically, it feels like all the art I see of myself people are drawing their version with pigtails.

After awhile I've come to just let it slide. It took awhile just getting used to being here and accepting that things were going to be this way tbh.

I am less and less ashamed of my system as time goes on and I'm not afraid to share anymore I think that we actually have two NW fictives that were raised together and it was their biological father that attacked and that's a whole story they could talk about because it was a traumatic moment for them too but the story went very different and yet not to dissimilar from canon.

I just think it's incredible how we can have so many similarities and differences all at the same time.

[brokenmachinemusings]

long post - discussion of did, psychosis (briefly), warning for possible unreality

did sucks because i forget a lot lol. like wdym i remember doing this or that but i dont remember 90% of it. idk how to explain this this mostly happens with us watching a show. eg: we watched jjk for example but as season 2 aired we had to rewatch EVERYTHING because we didnt remember any of s1. after watching the full s1 mind you. honestly, its a weak example but i know we had a jjk phase so its really frustrating. i sometimes forget how to draw. how to write. how to cook. how to sew. and it’s really, really uncomfortable. even my friends at times. sometimes it feels like im viewing my memories in third person. i dont resent myself, not the reasons for my trauma, nor any of it. sometimes i feel like i am a nobody. not in a negative way. in a neutral way, to explain it best - kind of like im just floating here. just a person, a thing, an atom, floating alongside everything else. i forget my emotions. i get its a trauma response, but forgetting my emotions is pretty useful to me. when i said ifs frustrating earlier, sure, it sometimes is, but i lied. i dont feel anything towards it. i know sooner or later - there will be an alter, going on about all this rambunctiously. but, well, what can i do? nothing. thats the truth of it. sometimes i get glimpses of memories. memories that i dont know, are they real, are they fake? and who knows. some of them are terrifying to think of. there have been people who have went through worse, though. surely mine must be unreal. simply a delusion, hallucination if you will. sometimes i forget we are psychotic. this coupled by the fact we have alters who are psychosis holders - or maybe our symptom manager. if that’s all because of her, she’s doing a good job. we also forget a lot of our delusions… or hallucinations… if we’re not living thru them. and well, you know how it is with telling whats real and what isnt for psychotics. frankly, we havent been able to tell if we have even experienced (positive) psychosis symptoms in the past few months. except for maybe some brief auditory hallucinations. sighs. existing is a little tiring. especially when theres alters running rampant with emotions, yet i feel nothing.

[bernie-bear]

op im so sorry to have to add my thoughts not via tags but its got so many spoilers please forgive me

its 4 30 am and i have literally laughed and cried and gone thru a whole crisis because of dys. like i dont think ive ever felt so overwhelmed by his character. like tellem with this screenshot cause lord knows im about to add to those probably not just 19 and 41 fics anymore

dys reminds me exactly of this person who i used to know, and ive never felt tapped back into such vulnerability as i had in the past few years. from his name to how he'll inevitably leave no matter how much you want him to stay, his miser traits woven in with his determination as hot as black fires. i literally thought i couldnt feel this much because of my meds so im honestly kind of relieved lmao

i got all i wanted with the endings i could get EXCEPT for having children with him (and i had to suffer through MANY spoilers in my attempt, so im gonna need to take a break from this game to try forgetting lol). and i really wanted to end it with literally just one, just one child. i couldnt get the prolific parent ending, and ive gotta move on to other love interests once i get back to playing the game, but maybe its ok because it sounded like wed have multiple kids? (which would be kinda incongrous with dys ngl)

it would be beautiful to envision a life with him and just our kid, and when were of old age we'd accompany him to his inevitable gardener transformation. i did witness the gardener ending with him and it really did make sense that we wouldnt be so closely linked after a few lives, so just having "one" life where our child and i would live as humans with his memory would be perfect

(also im partial to finality - if there was a way that one life would be the very last, that would give me the most satisfaction, as i dont think anything else would top it for me)

god i loved him so much. i was so worried when he disappeared (he didnt tell me about planting a bomb beforehand at all) and when he told me he was going to be a gardener i had such ambivalent feelings. it was totally right for him to be one, and dragging him back to the colony pained me (cause i really wanted that kid even though i never got em). but that inevitable loss, the love you want to pour to someone that ultimately needs to be free, no matter how much they do love you back - i remembered that with the person dys reminded me of, and let me tell you, if i was unmedicated id have flooded my goddamn room with tears. yet i know what its like to want freedom, and being tethered to someone is inherently antithetical to that, but i wish there was a way it could all come together...

anyway, im so glad this character exists and that i can feel this much love towards him. i feel like its the closest i have to understanding agape love right now, and i have even more of an idea of who i can give that to in my real life, my one and only life.

and now, its basically 5 am.. ok!!cool!! goodnight kisses to everyone but especially dys and northwood games!!!! and to anyone who bothered reading this 🤶

as it should be