#am i even real like lol i feel like i dont exist honestly its just a dream or something

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[piplupod]

the brain better figure out a way to fix this shit real quick or idk what is going to happen honestly. i feel very sick

[irrealisms]

jun wu or bwx for character asks? 👁️

starting off: hi yen if you're reading this it's got spoilers so pls skip this post ty <3 u can come back to it when u finish tgcf which at your current rate will be in like. a couple days lol

How I feel about this character

Im Normal About Him.

the ending is. perfect. the bamboo hat. it's never too late. when he's defeated he looks relieved. quoting myself from discord:

he cannot face being proven wrong, because it means he’s done terrible things and hurt people when he didn’t have to. he wants so badly to be proven wrong, because it means that maybe there’s good in the world and not just endless crushing pain and evil.

i have a lot of thoughts abt him & the tragedy of him & his entire ideology!!! i am sort of failing at condensing them but i have a lot of thoughts about him .

All the people I ship romantically with this character

hehe. xie lian (i am a sicko). i can also justify this to some extent--jun wu/bai wuxiang (i think mostly bai wuxiang, actually?) remarks positively on xie lian's appearance a notable amount, there's the "makes one ache, makes one excited" bit which i cannot read as anything other than Kind Of Weird And Horny, there's the thing where jun wu tests xie lian's virginity by making him bleed on jun wu's sword (i have another whole meta in my heart about swords as blatantly phallic in tgcf but i assume you do not need to be convinced of this lol)--but honestly i don't fully stand by it. this is a ship i have at least 80-90% because i am a sicko. i hope you can all understand

My non-romantic OTP for this character

ALSO xie lian. im complex. i contain multiple guys. the thing is that i have a beautiful google doc that consists of every time jun wu/bwx is analogized to a parent/teacher and xie lian is analogized to a child and it has . like. 30 quotes? somewhere around there? it's a lot! it's a lot. "i have decided that we are the same guy due to The Parallels but also i am going to enforce this and Make us the same guy by Molding You into Becoming Me" is an incredibly good dynamic whether it is slash or gen, and i do think the "weird forced adult-child relationship going on" reading is in fact more supported by the text than a shippy one. also when i'm not being a sicko about it there's also something deeply beautiful to me about their ending, about xie lian defeating jun wu but also showing him this moment of grace. and of course the Parallels which apply equally when it's slash vs gen. also you may have noticed that neither this question nor the last one do i bring up guoshi. this is bc idgaf about him. sorry mei nianqing . he exists i just Do Not Care

My unpopular opinion about this character

im gonna be so real i have no idea what is and is not popular wrt jun wu. what are the popular jun wu opinions.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

once again im kind of at the same place i am wrt mu qing of, like.... nothing, honestly? i am incredibly happy with what we got, i think it's beautifully written and the resolution is perfect, mxtx is a good writer and tgcf is a good book, no complaints

having a bit more of his backstory with mnq might be cool, i guess? we get the huge infodump but it's kind of just an infodump, it is just Pure Exposition, going into that a bit more / more naturally than "guoshi helpfully exposits for us" could be neat even tho i dont think its necessary. as mentioned i'm p much happy with what we got

(ask game, give me a character)

[raven]

what video games would u recommend. based on me seeing ur posts and thinking ur right even though i never know what youre talking about. also i have dogshit taste but i have good taste actually but its bad

OMG

hop on backloggd heres mine and heres my buddy rory's bc they make points too and are generally more serious than me so if you want to be serious u can go there. More under the cut bc i cant shut up 👍

otherwise my pretentious but #real and #true recs that i genuinely think everyone should play are disco elysium, pentiment, and kentucky route zero.

"theyre just good!" - who's lila?, the world ends with you, return of the obra dinn, hylics 2, portal 1&2, ghost trick, outer wilds (however outer wilds may be difficult for whatever reason- i recommend hollow_tones on twitch's streams although she has not streamed the dlc!)

series that have taken over my life for periods of time, for good or ill - dragon age (2 is my fav, all are worth playing, inquisition is dogshit storywise but has good gameplay, centrist liberal writers that make u want to bomb a church (for the record @ fbi this is a reference to the events of one of my favorite characters in the series, not real life. he was justified), ace attorney (1-3 are great with some questionable moments but apollo justice is the best overall game, 5&6 are some of the worst games ive played in my life, and the great ace attorney... exists), and persona (UGH). i can go more in depth about any of these, but i will go more in depth about persona because thats my current disorder and because theyre the most problematic, LOL. but dgmw da and aa are also problematic in many ways

persona - ive posted about it. im realizing i didnt talk about the misogyny in that post because i thought it was well known honestly but like. my god. the misogyny. especially persona 5 royal. dont play 4. or do, bc i need anyone to suffer as i have, but im serious. i feel like whatever people say, its worse. ive also posted about 4.

if you want to lose a week of your life in a "game for 16ish hours, sleep for 8ish hours, repeat" cycle play baldurs gate 3. its a fun game it takes up your time it has great mechanics! do not pay attention to character discourse baby.

if you like good gameplay, play dishonored 1&2

if you don't like good gameplay, play morrowind (this is kind of a joke in that i dont actually think morrowind has bad gameplay, but it still can be tedious.)

if you don't like good gameplay, play the persona 2 duology (this is not a joke, the gameplay in those games are actually bad.)

if you like gameplay, play any katamari game

also gonna plug one of my favorite genres, nonlinear visual novel adjacent games (lots of wordy, story-based segments but there are actual gameplay portions) these games also are not necessarily "good" but they are "fun": 999 (play on DS!!), ai the somnium files (note that this and 999 kind of require a... specific taste with the sexual humor) these games did have sequels but theyre all pretty bad for various reasons but check em out if you enjoyed the originals, paranormasight (one of the best ones in this genre imo), gnosia, 13 sentinels

also i have not hopped on final fantasy 7 (ORIGINAL) but i am about to hop on final fantasy 7 (ORIGINAL). and i am currently struggling against the current playing smt iii nocturne.

also, games that i have not played but interest me storywise and deserve honorable mentions are baroque (not really planning on playing but planning on watching stuff), pathologic classic (played a little and watched a full playthrough years ago, probably will get back to one day), pathologic 2 (never completed), fear and hunger (played for a few hours and decided to watch a playthrough instead), and fear and hunger 2 (not played but planning on playing bc ive heard its a little more user friendly than the original!)

so thats video games.

[real-total-drama-takes]

im bored and kinda high so heres my opinion on all the reboot characters

caleb - is a character

axel - im just as gay for her as the next guy but there's no way in hell she's final two next season lol but i wanna hold hands w her

nichelle- yass girl give us nothing 🥰

scary girl - idc idc she was funny asf but i am glad she went early bc if she stayed any longer i wouldve hated her lol

damien - one of the best things to come from the reboot and yall are doing him a huge disservice shipping him w priya 🥴 that shit is so boring but honestly? there might be something there somebody's gotta make me a believer tho. CONVINCE ME

mk - as a bitter, annoying, sarcastic individual myself i could not stand this bitch omg 💀 her character has a ton going for it but all they did w her is make every single one of her lines sarcastic n shit and i was BORED

raj - dumb gay man i love him

wayne - dumb ace man i love him

ripper - bro just wasnt funy. i dont get why they make characters who just pride themselves in being nasty n shit kind of a waste of development idk

zee - we can all agree that he was great but he gives me early boot vibes for next season bc like if we're demanding development for all the first season early boots then he's just gonna be there ig. dumb can only get you so far yknow?

chase - him and emma both are such wasted potential like BREAK THE HETEROS UP OMG their relationship dragged the second half down so bad like chase is just bad for the sake of being bad. like he wasn't even funny either just a waste of space by the time he was gone 😭

emma - first i'll say im glad we got a plus sized girl w some fucking athletic ability beCause THEY EXIST yay happy but anyway she was so funy until she got back with chase and that whole shit w him throwing that challenge for pizza was so DUMB like she honestly thought he did that shit for her 💀 like she was CONVINCED bro the straight delusion was insane

julia - she was the bad bitch we all needed and deserved but i cannot sit here and let you mfs say that she played the game well bc she absolutely DID NOT. girlie had no actual strategy other than winning and thas not even a strategy. even her trying to "manipulate" chase that one time sucked too lmao. bro her goal was to get everyone to hate her and win out of spite that shit is so dumb but it's so her so idc we love her anyway

millie - there were so many times where i lowkey forget she existed lmfao i don't even dislike her it was just "oh yea she here too lol" but i gotta say it kinda feels like they used her as a scapegoat to make writing her outta the finale easier idk maybe it's just me. but her crying after bowie clowned her ass when she was eliminated was the funnies bit in the entire show i was giggling n shit bc she honestly did that to herself lmao rip

priya - people compare her to zoey and sky way too much honestly (its me, im people) but when you look at it we have a mary sue that was infuriating to watch , the same girl but olympic flavored whos existence i have to be reminded of every two months, and priya. priya is perfectly fine and she was a nice winner even if i knew she was gonna win the second she was onscreen lolZ but when she read millie's notebook and absolutely demolished her ego i was living. like girlie ate her up w absolutely no crumbs left idc

bowie (the real winner) - i was fully prepared and ready to hate this twink istg. like i was in my homophobic era and ready the second his name was called but omg i love him sm. he was the queen i never knew i needed in my life. and to all the mfs who say his gayness is his entire personally have never met an fem black man and it shows 💀 idc what anyone says he's the best writer character in the entire show 🤭 as much as i love him i cannot let his fit slide. the pearls can stay bc those were a serve but the pants??? THE FUCKING PANTS??? THOSE FUCKING FLOOD WARNING HIGH WATERS.?? why would they do him like that omg. fits like that are why we get hate crimed 😔

ok im done good luck to anyone who actually reads this lmao

.

[kurjakani]

FOR THE CHARACTER ASK THING!!!!! Im quite curious about your peter lucas thoughts, whats goin on with that old man?

SEND ME A CHARACTER AND I’LL DO THIS;

PHEW THANK YOU I LOVE TALKING ABT THIS MAN. I'm gonna say. I definetly have a bit of a version of him in my head - it's been ages since I listened to MAG and he's kind of taken a life of his own. Also sorry i got so rambly here man i. Ill b real im lik3 right abt to fall asleep but i got exited abt him so here i go nevertheless..m

Sexuality Headcanon: HMM like. Bi. I dont think i can imagine him call himself that tho.

Gender Headcanon: old man. Like thats a part of his gender identity, being old.

A ship I have with said character: w MEEEE. My mag self insert. Lol. But yeah i am not that into the lonely eyes ship, just. Bc i do not care abt Elias all that much! I don't know many ships that include him otherwise. I haven't seen mary keay and plukas shipping but I'd love to. Idk. Awful vibes i think it could be great. Salesa maybe??? But I feel like its more like. Plukas likes looking at Salesa and Salesa kinda forgets hes even there sometimes.

A BROTP I have with said character: martin please. Please martin hang out w him tricking him into thinking ur getting more into the lonely but ur actually occupying his space and u are drifting away from the lonely TOGETHER. Also if u guys have heard the tim & plukas behind the scenes jokes abt cayacking and train documentaries. Yeah that too theyre """"buddies""""

A NOTP I have with said character: haven't come across anything that bothers me !

A random headcanon: i am really split on weather he barely eats or if he's like, a lowkey foodie. Idk why.

General Opinion over said character: For me I do view him as someone HURT by his loneliness, though in the show, if I recall right, he seems quite content? With his existance. Or says he is, and how he's drawn to it.

I will say- I partially mirror some of my own experiences of loneliness onto him. I was so afraid of opening up to people at one point that I convinced myself that I WANTED to be all alone. I used to want to move into a little cottage in the woods and cut off all contact to people. But it was a self destructive coping mechanism. At points a survival mechanism. Maybe canonically Peter Lukas is a reliable narrator?

I recall him talking about the warm glow coming from the windows of houses though, and the loneliness it made him feel- if i'm attributing this right. And i have a really hard time contributing that to anything but YEARNING. And reveling in yearning. I also have experience w that. Yearning is a DELIGHTFUL feeling.

So yeah I think I do find a lot of comfort in the version of Plukas I have in my head.

Honestly he's burrowed a little nest into my head abd become something beyond a little blorbo from my shows.

Like i have thought about marrying him as a performance art piece. But i dont think rustied featherpen would like that.

Anyways hes the hands. I reach out to the old hands with swelled joints and paper thin skin almost translucent yet the palest veins i ever did see like they'v been drained. Bro. He is the medival manuscript where the sun orbits the earth and that's his eyes and where they land on me. He is so far away and like honey 2 me bro

[lightofthemoon19]

im personally not one to say whether endos are real or not (at this point ive come to the conclusion that honestly i dont really have any opinion, bc maybe theyre real, maybe theyre not, but i still cannot for the life of me understand how theyre real if they are) but i feel like its not an awful thing of me to say that i just dont want to share a community with them. like bottom line is, if endogenic systems are real, their experiences are wildly different from CDD systems. we can connect over having alters, but thats where the similarities end. even the way we each experience having alters is completely different in some cases (i view our alters as parts of our mind, some endos view them as separate souls in one body (i dont even believe in souls lol)). there's tons of stigma and lack of acceptance around both endogenic systems and CDDs, but i personally view us as two separate communities. i feel like that's how we would best thrive, is as two communities with some overlap but at the end of the day still separate. i dont want to be put in a group or category with endogenic systems, because i dont relate to them at all. and just the same, most endos dont relate to my experience at all. i view my plurality as purely caused by a mental disorder, one which i wouldnt wish on anyone. and a lot of endos strongly disagree with that stance on their own plurality. because theyre two completely different things.

idk this turned into kind of a ramble but essentially, im neutral on endos existence and its not my place to tell anyone what's going on in their own mind, but i do think we would be better as separate communities with separate terms and ideas of what we are. i think that's a big part of why ive always leaned more anti-endo, is because i dont relate to or understand endogenic plurality and have never felt like i could lump myself into the same category as endos. i am beginning to unlearn that "endos arent valid or real and they all need to admit theyre faking ‼️‼️" mindset though because, respectfully past me, what the fuck those are in fact real people and you have no idea what they're experiencing. regardless of any misinformation they've spread (which isnt even a valid argument bc ive seen PLENTY of CDD misinformation from the CDD community as well).

[szif]

ok so here's apparently all the games i've played in 2023 like as in actually finishing them.

[the cat lady dark souls 1 + dark souls 3 the first 2 spyro games +ECHO vn +tsukihime portal 1 pathologic classic disco elysium]

i also started half life then dropped it and some other games too but it took me days to compile this list cuz i really really cant remember a lot.

the cat lady was nice, easy little game, misled me on what it is like twice but i feel like it was nice. the fact that a gold ending exists that nullifies anything you experience is kind of bleh though. like that fucking sucks. and also some aspects of it were just over the top like the cradle thing. also that one parasite that's linked to that other game. honestly there's a lot about it that really just spells out "the creator is somebody who keeps making these styled games and desperately tries to string everything together and the fans eat it all up" but i only played this one so its all fine.

dark souls 1 was really cool, nicest graphics nicest map it was interconnected i liked the armor i liked the physics i liked how slow the gameplay was (literally just 2 mins of me holding my shield up so that i can just drink while having a fight and nothing happened haha lol) there were some real good areas after midgame like demon's ruins (absolute favourite!!) and i also liked tomb of the giants (well, i didnt really Like Like when i played it, i was kind of running around like a poisoned hamster with everything leaving me at the tiniest hp lol) but then the game started sucking with the crystal cave/duke's archives and all that shit it was just so fucking annoying having to go through those shitty places (...and hearing everybody worship them..) but i feel like overall it was still nice? i liked the optional areas to go through (those are my favs, the great hollow + ash lake!! they were sooo soo good and lower blighttown was also so cool!!) and it just felt like, enough of a "i dont like this part but i like this one" that i continued playing it. the flow felt good

dark souls 3 was bad and was the combination of everything i disliked about dark souls 1 and then took all the things i liked too. it was so fucking lame and on top of it confusing too so i really disliked it and i just got through it real quick. lame. sucked

oh yeah, i also have the remastered pack of spyro games - i never played spyro or knew about it or anything, i first saw that dragon on tumblr posts i honestly have not much to do with it, but i got them because they seemed fun and uh. they were cool. like it felt so smooth and i liked running around and i think the collecting gems part was also cool. its literally like, a children's game so what do i even say about it. it was fun somewhat but it had SO much in it that i finished most games with like, not exploring all of it because i literally didnt give enough of a fuck about it. and it didnt ruin my experience either so like, honestly, some things are really not needed. i might or might not play the third one with the dragon eggs and stuff, we'll see.. like sure i started it but am i motivated to go through the same motions with the same guy? idk...

portal 1 was so solid. great characterism of ms. glados, the sudden pronoun swap in the hungarian subtitles was so clever and i loved it even if the other aspects of the translation was a bit lacking. the puzzles were actually fun and i could figure them out on my own for the most part (literally looked up like, 3-4 puzzles?) and it was actually cool to play through them. i liked it it was nice and it didnt really think i would because i fucking hate(d) portal 2 but it seems like the first game is like, great.

pathologic was. holy shit the entire like, environment and all that about diseases and like the huge progression of like, everything going on? it was so overwhelming but also right at home it had such a great feel to it. i started playing with the haruspex but then i thought he was a fucking bitchboy and quit the game then started one with the bachelor and then i had actual fun in the game. there was this one questline at day 11 that i fucking hated and was confusing and it's 100% the developers' fault, but anything else? it was engaging, i was full focused on the game, i kept going back to it more and more, everything was just getting more and more intense and more fun. then the ending happened and its like, eh, who cares. like it was lame and i just felt like it was great to just like, let it go. if the start and the middle is good then i dont care about the end sucking that much. it didnt even "suck", it was just nothing. which is better than it sucking. huge fan i liked this

just finished disco elysium literally like, today, actually, since i sat down for like , 11-12 hours and played it with zero break. i got a genuine fever sickness and many days of worth of muscle stiffness from it. like this shit is dangerous. it was sooo sooo captivating, i didnt really think i would like it at first because i thought of it as those like, random supernatural roll-a-dice games with like, a very specific style that i loathe with all my being and since it had a similar structure i didnt really think i would latch onto it. you know, just try it out, then delete. but no, it really dragged me in. i am relieved it was like, a, mainly "you fail something and failure IS a part of the game so its fun to do that" type of thing. like theres nothing more sucking out the joy of something than just like, something just making you fail and thats a part of the whole thing but it feels pointless and unreasonable, but then succeeding all the time and going through it is also not really fun if you have to engineer success situations all the time. this game is good at like, not doing that. i was so fucking invested in the entire situ of the story and the environment and i liked reading the books and re-building communism with my shitty college buddies who made me write essays about books haha. it just had a lot going on and it was also like a super relatable game and it hooked my brainnnnn. i loved kim! i loved the tribunal[s]! i loved doing all the little things for everyone! it felt rewarding doing literally anything! i actually had a lot, and by that a lot of time where i couldnt do anything because i was talking to Everyone and so in the later days i didnt have Anything to do and it wasnt time to sleep yet so i had to re-talk and re-do books and it was sooo annoying. but its fine its really just a tiny thing. it was sooo good it was sooo nice i loved it. genuinely game of the year 4 me but only because i barely play games and when i do its not that big of a deal. huuuuge huuuge fan. #1 honestly

+i literally fucking forgot. right after i made the post. but i did read tsukihime + ECHO in its entirety. like all branches all endings. i saw. a lot. no im not putting them in separate entries. tsukihime was. it was a thing. i cant even tell if i liked it or not but it was interesting to see what other people like, i guess. echo was real good though and its going up to the games i really really liked list. from being the first game to actually make me feel anxious and have that real fucking awful oppressive atmosphere to actually making me care about the fuzzy animals. it had good writing and i also binged every single branch of it like i did with disco elysium and i kept waking up more and more fucked up barely unable to exist then i had to sleep for like, around a week and do nothing else for me to offset playing that game. it was soo much, honestly. but i was so hooked and it was so much fun (well, "fun",) like it was irresistible. absolutely amazing game. im trying to think of what i didnt like but like, honestly i dont really know. maybe the sydney parts in the flynn route? that wasnt exactly my fav thing. but thats it, really. i had fun

[rrxnjun]

ok. i was gonna reply to ur comment but it got a bit too long of a rant HAHAHHA sorry😭

but girl i will never stop raving about ur fics istg like something about the way you write and your characters always seem to hit home for me like i always seem to connect with your characters. you make their emotions and the scenarios they're in so vivid and raw and IBFIWRFO i eat it up😭😭😭

i never used to like reading angst but you execute it so well that i'll literally love it when you do it (e.g. fics like two people, when nobody's watching, potential) IDK MAN it physically hurts my heart I FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS MAN IDK

when nobody's watching: when the reader's looking at renjun thru the years from her perspective when the reader wants to reach out, I WANT TO REACH OUT LIKESJFGOWRG WHEN RENJUN SMASHES THE BOTTLE AT THE PARTY YK????

two people: the way you describe jeno and y/n's suffocating one way relationship, I UNDERSTAND THE READER!!! jeno is perfect, he tries to fix the relationship but IT JUST DOESNT WORK THAT WAY the relationship was way over before he tried to fix it and ITS SO REAL!!!! the inner turmoil the reader went thru and the slow changing feels for mark WAS JUST- UGH *chefs kiss

potential: man. where do i even start with this fic. it's a storyline that i never knew i needed to read in my life. like bar u don't understand, potential had me in despair for the next 4 days. i can understand chenle's pain, y/n's confusion, their complicated love for each other. i don't think words can describe how special this story is to me.

this.... became a lot longer than i anticipated and IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON ABOUT THE SAME THREE FICS OVER AND OVER OSBFOWRGO but seriously tho, i genuinely love everything you put out, keep up the hard work💗

(i think this is the longest ask i've ever sent lol)

i treat writing as my therapy session so maybe thats why the characters are always so raw- NO but omg this is such an honor bc i really focus more on the characters than the plot i think and i really try to develop them really well and stuff and i focus a lot on the feelings and emotions so >:((( i am so happy that you like that about my writing !!!

the paradox is that i HATE reading angst. like if its in a long fic where its mixed up i dont mind and i think its important to have angstier parts in a long fic too but if its a drabble and its angsty i just won't read it LMAOOO

when nobody's watching was such a spontaneous fic istg i wrote it in what. two days? at uni LMAO. i got the idea when i was like,, watching this guy from afar and then i realised i ALWAYS DO THIS like i always have those silly crushes on ppl and never tell them bc im scared but i care so deeply for ppl that dont even know i exist 😭😭😭 but also i find that i used to change myself a lot to fit into social circles and even tho uni was really lonely for me at first that i kinda let go of that the same way renjun did so it was definitely cathartic to write :,)

honestly to this day idk how i even managed to write two people. like i think its the only fic i have thats about adult mature ppl LMAO all my other fics are like college aus and shit. like where did all of that pain and angst even come from ???? but i am so glad u liked it, i didnt expect ppl to enjoy that kind of fic >:((

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON POTENTIAL why are my best fics always the most spontaneous. its literally like in my top 5 fav fics ive ever written so i am insanely happy that you like it sm !!! <33 chenle's character in this fic is insanely personal to me also :,) the readers and his dynamic is also one of my favs ive ever written,, idk idk theres just something about this fic...

i am really honored to recieve this in my inbox its so sweet of you and i definitely appreciate it a LOT hope you dont mind me rambling about the fics i just enjoy talking about my writing :,)

[sadblckaquariusgirl]

Ranting Journal #1

i've never known what it was like to just feel accepted. or be good at anyting. ever in my life.

every trophy or award i got... it was just participation. the only time i did get a award that i 'earned' it was for the TAKS test... which is just a standardized test in Texas...that no longer exists so does that even mean anything?? and i was in the 8th grade...so i really don't think that counts.

its something more than saddness what i feel. like a grief but not even that seems like the word. and i'm angry... fuck i'm so fucking angry. because like WHY? ya know?

i keep asking myself like what i did? what is it that i continue to do to deserve the shit that I get. And I obsess and i think over and over and over and i cant...come up with anything. that i did to deserve being so fucking alone. and constantly mistreated. Not to say i can't say when I've done wrong cuz I can, i pick my wrongs apart. but what i'm saying is my wrongs... the consequences for them...they don't align. its like a massive consequence for what? and that's if i did something. Usually the thing is just...me being mysefl. or expressing an intererest. God FORBID i open up and go vulnerable on someone. then its just flat out Neuclear....sometimes i laugh because...what the fuck you know lol

how can i be 29, almost 30 and i don't know what romance means. I don't know what its like to have a group of friends and laugh with them. I don't know what its like to have a relationship with my family that didn't make me feel like shit. or an alien or like i should have been born into another family. I don't know what its like to be taken care of. or considered or seen.

i've never been kissed, like honestly. not just because a guy feels like he has to because we're hooking up. No i want, a real kiss. I want a 'you are so beatiful, i can't express it in words, the only thing i can do is kiss you' type of kiss. i want someone to hold my hand. in public. i wanna go on dates. nice dates. I want someone to introduce me to their friends and gush about me and i want them to be teased becasue of how love sick they are because they think i am just that great. I want to be considered, my feelings, my likes and dislikes. I want someone to hold me just becasue they want to. and i want to feel safe with someone.

but all i get is rejection or negative feedback and i just...i don't know why? its so fucking odd. All i do is self- reflect, and try and psychoanalyze myself. to the point where its probably obsessive. becasue i just want to fix me.

i just want someone to tell me what it is about me that's just so wrong, and off and not right. tell me what it is, so i can fix it. i'm willing to fix it. but no one will tell me what it is. instead they just gaslight me. when i say i'm not getting xyz but i see everyone else is they tell me to stop comparing myself.

thats what everyone loves to say... but like... i'm a logical person ya know. i deal in evidence. and what i see. and the patterns and what happens. and i can fucking see it. how i'm treated vs everyone else! and its different. the problem is i don't know why i can't see what it is thats wrong about me. So when i say 'what do i have to do?" and you tell me 'be myself' i just feel fucking insane. BECAUSE I AM!! I AM BEING MYSELF 100% AND YOU FUCKERS STILL DONT LIKE. ME YOU STILL DON'T WANT ME. AND I'M STILL THE FUCKING VILLAIN!!! So what?? Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me, so i can fucking fix it. because i am so fucking tired of being alone.

i'm almost 30. and i don't have anyone, and i've never had the warm fuzzy feelings, or secure feels, or anything real. I'm almost 30. with no friends, living at home again (biggest mistake was moving back) in between jobs....no boyfriend or prospects.....

i wish i could just go numb from it all. i don't want to feel like this anymore. i don't want to just keep wondering what i did. "waiting for my people" and all that shit. I just want to disappear. becasue.... it downa't matter.

i'm not good at anytihng. i'm talentless. fat, kinda not cute (I'd say i'm a sollid 5.5...6 on a good day with makeup)

i just want to know what it feels like for two seconds. to be praised. and loved, and understood and an accepted and. considered and seen. and be talented an rewarded for work.

I just want my brain to .. idk i want someone else brain. just for a day. i'm convinced that if i had a different brain. one that was never hit, or screamed at or told was 'the problem' or was bullied, or that moved a 1000 times....if i had a fresh brain....i know i wouldn feel this way. and thats what makes me even more angry. Because IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT

she ruined me. she broke me. its like i never had a chance, and yeah its my 'responsibility' to fix it. go to thereapy and heal. But i didn't break me! i didnt' fucking do it. so why do i have to fix it. I was fine before! I was the mona Lisa. and she ....took a knife to it. and so did they....and them after that... and them...like over and over and over.

i just want a break.

and i want to feel my life isn't pointless.

[palehottubchild]

Get to know me

Thank you @sflow-er you know how much j like doing these ahahahhah

Do you make your bed?

Not really, i try to but in reality i never get around to it

What's your favourite number?

3, 9 and 12. NOT 6

What is your job?

i currently have two jobs, one of which is a little hard to explain but essentially boils down to research in healthcare and the other is hospitality in the biggest tourist attraction in my country (which is a seasonal job). two VERY different jobs in very different sectors, hahah

If you could go back to school, would you?

I actually am still in uni and i do not feel any particular wish to go back to high school. I would, however, have chosen a different degree if i could start over again but thats a different story.

Can you parallel park?

Technically yes, i can, but i hate it and it takes ages so i avoid it at all costs.

A job you had that would surprise people?

actually most jobs ive done surprise people, but more so because nobody knows they exist as jobs. In high school i used to do delivery for the pharmacy and as mentioned before now the research job. both things most people dont know are things someone gets paid to do until i tell them hahah.

Do you think aliens are real?

realistically i dont think its possible at all that we are the only planet with living beings on it. i do believe that there are no aliens in our solar system, but i do not believe that in the entirety of the universe only one planet managed to create life. I also think that life might look very different on other planets but im convinced 'aliens' exist in some way shape or form

Can you drive a manual car?

Again, technically i can. but i try to avoid it all costs bc ive only driven automatic cars basically since i got my license lol

What's your guilty pleasure?

reading fic, even more guilty if its from a fandom im technically no longer into but i sometimes just get this weird nostalgic need, you know

Tattoos?

Not yet, i have a design and a place in mind but my family is very strongly opposed to all tattoos and i still see them often enough to be a little bit afraid

Favourite colour?

for clothes, blue or brown. for other things anything in the navy colour palette (so like burgundy and navy and other colours in those kinda hues)

Favourite type of music?

I honestly will listen to anythign that has a recognisable distinct melody (so mostly excluding metal, too heavy rock and some rap) but am especially fond of 2000s 2010s dance music or indie/pop music from anything between the 80s and the 2010s. Not a big fan of what seems to be more modern pop culture but i can appreciate a harry styles or a taylor swift every once in a while

Do you like puzzles?

Yes!!!!! anything that i can use my brain for im down

Any phobias?

creeped out by all bugs and spiders (yes, even the cute and pretty ones) and not a big fan of big animals. slightly uncomfortable at high heights, dont do well in the dark and very very very uncomfortable in small spaces

Favourite childhood sport?

Did gymnastics until i was about 7 and then switched the the loml that was swimming and did that all the way up until uni. hated anything involving running or a ball

Do you talk to yourself?

Not when im alone, sometimes when other people are present

What movies do you adore?

I tend to like any movie i watch. Special mention to knives out, megamind and bottoms though

Coffee or tea?

I like the fancy coffees when im out having a drink or having lunch, at home i prefer tea

What was the first thing you wanted to be growing up?

i dont remsmber what came first exactly but the three professions that had the most prominent part in my youth were hairdresser, teacher and most of all writer. I always liked writing and words and languages and making things but unfortunately that took a stark dive durong high school that im still recovering from lol

as usual consider yourself tagged if you feel like doing this ahah

[nightwatch-ithaqua]

yeah, i figured as much, wasnt expecting anything else. works better for me if anything, i dont really like making new friends under any circumstances, so i wasnt planning on that to begin with. im not expecting you to trust me in any way either, im a stranger on the internet lol..

i hold a lot of pride in myself in many different ways, which sometimes is nice i guess because it makes me take a strong interest in people with shared sources because, again, lots of pride in myself and my source.. it can be a problem a lot when i feel like my identity is being threatened, which is why i tend to not like insys doubles. feels like our brain is trying to copypaste me even if theyre completely different in every way XP..

ive only met one other ithaqua (well.. i guess 2 now, if this counts..? or 3, if our friend being an ocassional irl also counts.) and its.. also a morningstar, funnily enough. were pretty similar, because it split off of me, but still plenty different, at least according to the two of us. although we do prefer to stick together, i think the only time weve been separate was when i left front but someone had to stay to watch andrew, and helel was the only other person around. i could talk about the two of us for a while honestly, but ill leave that for another ask since i prefer to not let these get too long and i have something else to talk about here.

one thing i recall is that the first time i saw your blog in tags, you mentioned you dont have pigtails, which i think is neat because i do! and i actually find it really hard to find any art or general representations of me with them.. so are we just having the opposite problem lol..? id love to switch if thats the case /j .. but seriously i find this in particular a bit interesting. i never even knew my brother existed before the whole.. (gestures vaguely) Situation, but he didnt have his hair up in any way, and so i often see mine as another way to keep us separate.. and our hair is slightly different colours, but i think its really hard to tell a lot of the time, so i like having the difference between us since without my hair being put up like that we look almost exactly the same. more than we already do.

🪷

The identity thing feels extremely real tbh. There are too many doubles of me in the system and I feel lost in the crowd, like I don't get to just be me sometimes. At least none of them are after my dear Alva though. They're all very different from me it's so odd.

And yes, ironically, it feels like all the art I see of myself people are drawing their version with pigtails.

After awhile I've come to just let it slide. It took awhile just getting used to being here and accepting that things were going to be this way tbh.

I am less and less ashamed of my system as time goes on and I'm not afraid to share anymore I think that we actually have two NW fictives that were raised together and it was their biological father that attacked and that's a whole story they could talk about because it was a traumatic moment for them too but the story went very different and yet not to dissimilar from canon.

I just think it's incredible how we can have so many similarities and differences all at the same time.

[brokenmachinemusings]

long post - discussion of did, psychosis (briefly), warning for possible unreality

did sucks because i forget a lot lol. like wdym i remember doing this or that but i dont remember 90% of it. idk how to explain this this mostly happens with us watching a show. eg: we watched jjk for example but as season 2 aired we had to rewatch EVERYTHING because we didnt remember any of s1. after watching the full s1 mind you. honestly, its a weak example but i know we had a jjk phase so its really frustrating. i sometimes forget how to draw. how to write. how to cook. how to sew. and it’s really, really uncomfortable. even my friends at times. sometimes it feels like im viewing my memories in third person. i dont resent myself, not the reasons for my trauma, nor any of it. sometimes i feel like i am a nobody. not in a negative way. in a neutral way, to explain it best - kind of like im just floating here. just a person, a thing, an atom, floating alongside everything else. i forget my emotions. i get its a trauma response, but forgetting my emotions is pretty useful to me. when i said ifs frustrating earlier, sure, it sometimes is, but i lied. i dont feel anything towards it. i know sooner or later - there will be an alter, going on about all this rambunctiously. but, well, what can i do? nothing. thats the truth of it. sometimes i get glimpses of memories. memories that i dont know, are they real, are they fake? and who knows. some of them are terrifying to think of. there have been people who have went through worse, though. surely mine must be unreal. simply a delusion, hallucination if you will. sometimes i forget we are psychotic. this coupled by the fact we have alters who are psychosis holders - or maybe our symptom manager. if that’s all because of her, she’s doing a good job. we also forget a lot of our delusions… or hallucinations… if we’re not living thru them. and well, you know how it is with telling whats real and what isnt for psychotics. frankly, we havent been able to tell if we have even experienced (positive) psychosis symptoms in the past few months. except for maybe some brief auditory hallucinations. sighs. existing is a little tiring. especially when theres alters running rampant with emotions, yet i feel nothing.

[bernie-bear]

op im so sorry to have to add my thoughts not via tags but its got so many spoilers please forgive me

its 4 30 am and i have literally laughed and cried and gone thru a whole crisis because of dys. like i dont think ive ever felt so overwhelmed by his character. like tellem with this screenshot cause lord knows im about to add to those probably not just 19 and 41 fics anymore

dys reminds me exactly of this person who i used to know, and ive never felt tapped back into such vulnerability as i had in the past few years. from his name to how he'll inevitably leave no matter how much you want him to stay, his miser traits woven in with his determination as hot as black fires. i literally thought i couldnt feel this much because of my meds so im honestly kind of relieved lmao

i got all i wanted with the endings i could get EXCEPT for having children with him (and i had to suffer through MANY spoilers in my attempt, so im gonna need to take a break from this game to try forgetting lol). and i really wanted to end it with literally just one, just one child. i couldnt get the prolific parent ending, and ive gotta move on to other love interests once i get back to playing the game, but maybe its ok because it sounded like wed have multiple kids? (which would be kinda incongrous with dys ngl)

it would be beautiful to envision a life with him and just our kid, and when were of old age we'd accompany him to his inevitable gardener transformation. i did witness the gardener ending with him and it really did make sense that we wouldnt be so closely linked after a few lives, so just having "one" life where our child and i would live as humans with his memory would be perfect

(also im partial to finality - if there was a way that one life would be the very last, that would give me the most satisfaction, as i dont think anything else would top it for me)

god i loved him so much. i was so worried when he disappeared (he didnt tell me about planting a bomb beforehand at all) and when he told me he was going to be a gardener i had such ambivalent feelings. it was totally right for him to be one, and dragging him back to the colony pained me (cause i really wanted that kid even though i never got em). but that inevitable loss, the love you want to pour to someone that ultimately needs to be free, no matter how much they do love you back - i remembered that with the person dys reminded me of, and let me tell you, if i was unmedicated id have flooded my goddamn room with tears. yet i know what its like to want freedom, and being tethered to someone is inherently antithetical to that, but i wish there was a way it could all come together...

anyway, im so glad this character exists and that i can feel this much love towards him. i feel like its the closest i have to understanding agape love right now, and i have even more of an idea of who i can give that to in my real life, my one and only life.

and now, its basically 5 am.. ok!!cool!! goodnight kisses to everyone but especially dys and northwood games!!!! and to anyone who bothered reading this 🤶

as it should be

[crownedone9x9]

journal 01/12/23

So unless I share this somewhere now one but me knows this journal/blog exists. Which honestly makes this a lot easier. Unless you're like me and believe that even my paper journals get read. The ones on google are no less secure. If you know me at all for like the past 7 or so years I have been talking about two things. The “voices” aka the conspiracy. Which I believe are real, and for some reason. Well, maybe I'll get honest about that one day too. They are everywhere and nowhere. Always watching and always either stressing me out to push me forward. Like when they ease off and leave me alone its either because im in recovery or in my addiction and dont give a fuck. I have struggled with suicide for a very long time. Believe me I have thought how easy it would be. Three things have kept me going. One God, whatever you want to call God. Having a higher power is kind of important. Even if you are your higher power. Prayer and meditation really do save peoples lives everyday. Say what you want about your mom. My mom's prayer kept me alive. Not to mention the sea of people who look at the man inside. Who knows sometimes from personal experience or from God that everyone deserves love and forgiveness no matter what. Second, my future wife. Now I know he said he is pan-sexual. Well guess what everyone in NA asked what your DOC or drug of choice. Mine is a woman, period. Been attracted and have gone both ways, but I have gotten honest about it as of late. Now if you know all of my story like some of you do. Which again no one reads this lol. I have been abused and have been the abuser. I have never been violent. No one has ever told me the words “Stop”. If they had, I would have. Now in my addiction I have watched as people almost die in front of me. In some cases they did wind up dying. Some of those people were important to me and can never be replaced. Just like I am to some people. So when I say the amount of poetry I have not and will never release. One day I want her to read it. If somehow has not already. Which reality is right well in my head. I do know who she is but can’t bring myself to be honest about it because of the voices. It's the weirdest shit ever. I have tried to run away from my feelings by having lots of sex with everyone and all to run away from one woman. I fell in love with her heart, her voice, and how she loved people. That was because of jesus. I know there are other women like her but I just. Look, I give her to you God right now. Still not going to kick it in the long run believe me. Third the hope I can make a difference in this sad painful fucked up world we live in. I want people to look at me the same way I looked at her. They see Jesus and want to be better human beings because of the change that comes from accepting him. Give me ten years. Everyday choosing God. Everyday choosing to be clean and sober. Every minute of every day trying to be a better man than I was yesterday. So that tomorrow I will be a better man than I am today. Wake up excited to live another day and watch the sunrise and how beautiful it is and then watch the sunset even if it's boring. It's the little things. Anyway I am going to finish my homework. 10 things that I am powerless over. Every day for a week then if I miss one I have to start over. God was like, as many things that I'm powerless over there are alot of things that I control, Crazy huh? Good night weirdos!

[onwriting-hrarby]

theres so many good things i could say about sunshine and rainbows honestly its so hard to pick a favourite part!! but for me, i really really loved when it was the performance night at the end, and we watched it in erens pov. like legit my heart fluttered at the way the author wrote it, i could truly honestly feel how high up against the world mikasa is seen by eren, the genuine way his whole heart and soul believes her to be his only goddess. that particular scene the way it was decribed and executed was so magical to me. they’re two very different scenes, but that scene had as much impact and magic on me as that scene in “instead they said” where em makes love in the sea!! so incredible so much depth and beauty. i literally held my breath youre so good

but i think the angst as sad as it was really was what kept me hooked to sunshine and rainbow. i legit felt like i was torturing myself reading mikasas pov after she caught eren and hisu. legit tears in my eyes and my heart ached so baaad. that level of insecurity and feeling of inadequacy mikasa felt had felt so horrible even to me as a reader. theres just something so vile in the feeling of betrayal and jealousy and how it eats on your skin. (tbh i looooove reading that in em fanfics, it hurts so bad but its such good angst😩 idk why i keep torturing myself)

but yeah same here, i wouldve probably reacted like sasha, it was actually hard for me to empathise with hisu even because in earlier chapters she wasnt really that nice to mikasa. i believe sunshine and rainbows mikasa is an actually whole saint to have sympathised and requested eren to go talk and apologise to hisu, not sure if i wouldve done that myself no ones built like mikasa lol. but yeah i do commend the way the author had somewhat villainize historia (in a writing perspective) where its hard to completely empathise with this character knowing what shes like in other scenes. now that i think about it, her flawed character reminds me of RJ historia where we cant fully empathise with her because she had some inherent racism herself right? like the way she viewed RJ mikasa or compared her struggle to poc’s and minorities. its like a hate love relationship between us and its characters. i love love love it when writers really make you think about how you feel about a character

sorry im rabbling, please stop me if you dont feel comfortable!!

Oh please, not at all, I love rambling AND i love interacting, so feel free!

You're completely right about Mikasa's pov after cheating!!! I had forgotten about that chapter and I really liked the way the author relied on just one sentence that Mikasa kept repeating to ensure that angst and confusion. I've never been in a cheatin situation but I have felt the inequacy of being you multiple times, and it hit hard. I could empathize with Mikasa much more than with Eren in that fic, mostly because I am tired of the "I'm so hurt I'm not a good person" narrative. I've had some friends who went through something similar to Eren, and they kind of passed their bad behaviour through hurt. But for me, there are no excuses to hurt others. I did empatize with Historia, though! I have been in competitive groups like dancing and that kind of relationships exists, and the way it was portrayed it felt very real that H and M wouldn't have had a good relationship because Historia feels threatened. I don't feel that Mikasa was a saint, though, because the cheating was Eren's fault, not Historia!

Yes, it's a hate-love relationship with our characters snd the way we craft them, and I think that' the beauty of not creating purely good characters or people. We humans are not pure at all! We might want good things but we also hurt a lot. It's complicated to manage expectation as readers, too! But those kind of stories that made us feel all wrong are the best because we get to go deep inside a character enough to be willing to understand them, while we would have turned the other way in real life.

(Ps: thank you very much for your nice words about Rj and ITS! I can't believe someone remembers that fic. I am torn about uploading it again but I want my sis to read it before so I know whether to turn it into a novel or not!)