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handonshipper · 4 years ago

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A Twist Through Time: Chapter Three

Several hours later, the group had finally arrived in Mystic Falls. Hope had been sketching a couple of landscapes while they drove. It was pretty great, considering the fact she was in a car with regular pencils instead of artistic pencils. She wanted to talk her father. Or tell Dr. Saltzman. But Dr. Saltzman didnt even have much experience at this point. And telling her father wouldnt get her anywhere.

Klaus parked the car in front of his mansion in Mystic Falls and stepped out of the car, opening the passenger door for Hope, as he had made Rebekah sit in the back to watch Stefan. “You are a quiet one aren’t you?” He questioned looking at Hope. “Here I thought we could have bonded over your lovely torture ideas.” He smirked.

"I was busy sketching" Hope said, climbing out of the car, holding her sketchbook as she looked around and stepped away from the car. She wondered if her dad, as she knew him, would be proud of her trying not to change things. Not that she was doing a good job of that. "I prefer painting personally, but I sketch sometimes" she told him, holding the sketchbook. Her mind was turning as she thought about some parts of her life. The life she was forced to leave for the second time.

Rebekah got out of the car and dragged Stefan out forcefully. She was frustrated. Both with Stefan's betrayal and Klaus putting her in the backseat while the witch got the front seat.

Klaus looked at her curiously. What were the odds? He never truly met anyone else who was interested in art, which was why, for a moment, he was distracted from his vengeful thoughts and the plan to get the necklace. “As do I. Prefer painting I mean.” He said softly. “I mainly only sketch to plan out future paintings.” He wanted to say more, but as Rebekah spoke he was snapped out of his thoughts.

"So what's the plan, Nik? Did you plan to search for the necklace or should i?" Rebekah questioned, wanting both her necklace and to find out what was Stefan Salvatore's big secret.

“I will. And I will take Hope with me. Seeing as Mystic Falls has the very obnoxious Bonnie Bennett, it is only fair I have much more powerful witch with me as well.” He then looked at Stefan and stepped closer to him so he could compel him.

Hope smiled a little at that before it disappeared, her mind going to the first time she had painted with him. The only time.... The first day she had met him.

Stefan almost instinctively took a step back, but he knew it was no use. This was his punishment. And Klaus was faster and much more powerful.

Klaus stepped closer to him. While on the outside he portrayed a smug expression, inside he truthfully just wanted Stefan to hurt after betraying him. As he look into his eyes, he spoke calmly. “Turn off your humanity. And do as I say, until I demand otherwise.”

Elena wasn't there to help him fight it this time around. His pained eyes closed, and when he opened them again a moment later, his humanity was off. He felt free yet restrained at the same time. Restrained by his tie to what Klaus wanted and free from the guilt and the pain and the worry.

Hope watched, feeling a bit guilty but knowing it had to be done. Everything had to happen as close as possible. Otherwise the whole future could change. And as much as the future sucked in some areas for her, she couldnt risk it getting worse. She needed to ensure she would be born. And so would the twins.

She needed to get back to Landon.

Klaus smirked as he watched Stefan let go of the little bit of humanity he had left when he compelled him. “Well then. Now that we have that sorted, come along Hope. Let’s find that necklace.” He settled and looked over at Rebekah. “Babysit Stefan will you? I have important matters to tend to and anyone else will simply get in the way.”

Rebekah scowled at that and nodded, holding back remarks, before nearly dragging Stefan into the house. "Come on, Stefan" she said. Stefan chuckled softly and followed her inside. Not that he had much of a choice. She was strong.

Hope watched them go before looking at Klaus. "Alright. Let's go then"

Klaus watched the two in satisfaction before turning his attention back to Hope. “Right. What exactly happened when you performed the spell?” He asked curiously, wanting to get an idea on where to start looking.

"I saw two teenage girls" Hope said, looking at Klaus. "They were both brunettes. One was black and the other had olive totoned skin. They were talking about Stefan and wondering what bad things he was doing while off with you under your influence"

Klaus frowned at the description of the second teenager but didn’t think too much of it. He knew Elena Gilbert was dead and Katerina took off after he let her go. “Right. Well, let’s start with the local witch, Bonnie Bennett. With the right torture methods, anyone can be made agreeable.” He smirked.

"I dont usually torture people in my spare time." Hope said casually. "I did torture my ex boyfriend once though" She looked at Klaus. "A truth spell is always handy too. I could do one on Stefan to have him tell us who exactly he knows that has the necklace."

It wasnt much of a difference than Klaus suddenly finding Elena at least. And she wanted him to know she was on his side. He was her father after all. She loved him. Suddenly a thought occurred to her.

"While I'm trying to figure out the spell that brought me to Stefan's apartment, I plan on helping you" she said, looking at him. "And I'm not necessarily asking for anything in return. Except maybe a place to stay while I try to figure out the spell. But there is something I am looking for. A magical object. If you dont want to help me find one, I get it. I'm not only agreeing to help you if I get it. But I would appreciate it. It's a prism that lets someone talk to their subconsious. If you've ever seen or heard of one"

Klaus felt a frown forming the more he listened to her. Ever since he met her there had been something off about her. Something he couldn’t quite place. Right now she was essentially trying to tell him how to do things, and instead of ripping her heart out, some minuscule part of him actually wanted to listen.

Granted he ignored that part, but the fact that it was there in the first place troubled him. “I have no objection to you staying in this house. I won’t be here for a while once I find the necklace anyway. As for your magical object, I may have heard whispers of something like that. However, I cannot say I’ve come across one. Still, I see no harm in assisting you with it in my spare time. You might just be the only witch in existence who’s presence I can actually tolerate.” He snorted. “In regards to the necklace...I never said you had to partake in torture. Though it is my preferred method of interrogation.” He smirked and looked towards the house. “Especially to those who have betrayed me. Thank you for suggesting I begin with Stefan.”

She couldnt help the small smile that formed on her face as he mentioned that he could tolerate her. Considering he didnt know her or the fact he had a child, this was touching. She knew he hadn't been fond of witches before, only using them when he needed them.

"Thank you" Hope said once he finished speaking. She really just wanted it to feel less alone here. To talk to Landon, even if it is fake. "As for the topic of betrayal, it isnt something I take lightly. The ex boyfriend I mentioned? He lured me into a trap that caused the death of my mother" She wasnt holding a grudge against him anymore. She knew it wasnt his fault. He had been brainwashed by his Nazi vampire mother. But....at the time, the betrayal had affected her strongly. So much she had closed herself off even more.

Klaus’ expression softened for a split second before it quickly returned back to normal. Sympathy and pity weren’t emotions he normally experienced, certainly not to total strangers. “My condolences then.

For your mother. I am glad you got your revenge against that man. It may not bring her back, but at least you have the satisfaction of looking back and knowing you gave him hell just as well.” He said simply. He was silent for a few seconds, and eventually spoke again. “The necklace I am searching for is to communicate with my mother. When I was young she placed a curse on me. And now that I’ve broken it, there are certain aspects of it that aren’t exactly as they should be.”

Hope listened to him and nodded. "Thank you for telling me" she said, appreciating the information even though she already figured that out. "I will do what I can to help you figure out why things arent as they should be" Hope said softly

Klaus gave her a nod, truly surprised a stranger was willing to pledge her loyalty to him so easily while his own siblings were not. “I suppose I should thank you as well. For your assistance. It isn’t easy for anyone to do that when it comes to me. Certainly not witches. I am what the entirety of the world calls an abomination. A hybrid. Both werewolf and vampire.”

"You're not an abomination. You're different. You're unique. But that doesnt have to be a bad thing."

Hope said, thinking of what her mother had told her once or twice in the past.

Klaus blinked slowly, genuine surprise clouding his features for a moment until a small, but genuine smile formed on his lips. It disappeared just as quickly, but it had been there. “I suppose I’ve never quite heard that. Especially given the fact that the curse my mother placed on me was to keep my werewolf side dormant. Now that I’ve broken it, I want nothing more than to create more of my kind. In a way...it is my revenge towards her.” At least that was part of it. The other part being of course that he didn’t wish to be alone. But he chose not to say that.

Hope nodded at his words. She knew how it felt to be the only one of her species. She knew it felt lonely at times. Like your existence was a mistake. A random chance. And it didnt help that the witches think neither her or her father should exist

More so her than her father. "I can't even imagine what that must have been like for you, having part of yourself locked up inside." And to think she nearly let it happen to herself.

Klaus shifted his gaze away from her and nodded. “It feels like...” He sighed softly. “Like being chained up in the smallest of cages. The more you struggle, the harder they grip at you, all while the cell closes in tighter and tighter.” He explained quietly, never having been that open with anyone about it. “It’s impossible to understand unless you have been through it, but that is the best way I can explain it. Just imagine how you would feel if your magic was suddenly taken from you. Knowing you are a witch, yet not being able to perform a single spell.”

Hope nodded a little at that, frowning at the mere thought of her father going through it. "And you've suffered with that for a thousand years?" She said quietly.

Klaus nodded in confirmation and slowly looked back at her. “Yes. Just a little over a thousand years. I finally broke it recently. However, when I attempted to turn werewolves into hybrids, they only died.

Seeing as my mother created the curse, I figure she must have the answers as to why it is failing.”

"Well, we should go find the necklace then" Hope said, looking at him, knowing they had gotten distracted from the goal by their personal talk

Klaus nodded, slowly coming back to reality. “Right. I suppose you performing that truth spell on Stefan would get us the answer quicker. I can always torture him later.”

Hope nodded and went inside the house. She went over to Stefan and casted the truth. "Did you give Rebekah's necklace to anyone?"

Stefan looked at Hope. "Yes" he said.

"Who did you give it to?" Hope questioned.

"Elena Gilbert" The vampire answered.

Klaus followed Hope into the house and watched as she performed the spell. When he heard the answer Stefan gave he blinked in surprise. “Elena Gilbert is alive?” He smirked. “Ah. Suddenly it all makes sense.

Why you wanted to keep me away from finding the necklace.” He chuckled in disbelief. “No matter.

Now I get to kill her twice. Luckily for me, you no longer care.”

"Wait" Hope said, looking over at Klaus. "We should find the necklace and communicate with your mother first. That should remain our priority" Especially since Elena surviving was crucial.

Klaus frowned when he heard Hope speak. Instantly his paranoid self wanted to get the best of him, but he did his best to push that feeling away. So far Hope had proven she was on his side. And he did need to get the necklace. “Fine. Though after that, I’m having Stefan rip out her heart himself.” He muttered before heading out of the house.

Hope glanced over at Stefan before following Klaus out of the house. "Alright. So if Elena has the necklace, where would she be?"

“We can check her house first.” Klaus suggested knowing even if he didn’t find her there, he could always get her there by using her family. They were her weakness. Something he learned when he first met her.

Hope nodded at his words. "Alright then. Let's go" she said, looking over at him. "Lead the way"

Klaus nodded and held out his hand to her. “We will get there faster using vampire speed.” At this point all he wanted was to get the necklace. He could leave torturing both Elena and Stefan for later.

"Alright." She said softly. Hope nodded and took his hand without hesitation, something that was unusual for Klaus. She clearly trusted him.

Klaus blinked when Hope suddenly took his hand. He stared at her, both confused and shocked for a second, not really knowing what to say. Eventually he decided his questions would have to wait. Right now finding the necklace was more important. Which was why he held her hand firmly and sped over to Elena Gilbert’s house.

#vampire diaries #tvd #legacies season 2 #legacies cw #cw legacies #legacies #hope mikaelson #klaus mikaelson #stefan salvatore #rebekah mikaelson #a twist through time #a twist through time chapter three #chapter three

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fixingforeverandalways · 5 years ago

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I know you need time...

And im listening, and im hearing you. I now understand, and this was my doing and honestly it’s the least I deserve. But I miss you, and I love you on such a level it’s hard to be without you - I know the past near 11 months since we got in contact again have not all been smooth sailing, but we have had some more than good times, you’ve become my safety in a world full of so much bad stuff.

You are my soul mate, and I will forever stand by that, it destroys me knowing that I’ve put us through this and all that echos in my head is you apologising for breaking my heart, well what about yours? I seen the look in your eyes today and I know you’re hurting just as bad as I am for being away from me, it feels so so wrong to be apart but I know that you deserve the time and space to establish your own life - so do I - so we can find the perfect way to fuse our lives together and settle down properly. by choice. without any rush or stress. Honestly we both deserve that - i so desperately need the stability of my own strength and i so desperately need a support system in place to turn to when things feel low - and despite getting there without having you 24/7, you will always be and are the centre of that support system, you’re my safe haven and the person I trust the most. In your arms with your voice soothing me, feeling your toastie tootsies at the bottom of the bed - that is the core of my support system and nothing will ever change or replace the feeling i get with you.

ive just taken that for granted too much. I like to think that in time, as I prove to you just how serious i am, and just how capable I am, that you will let me be yours too - i dont want to be the cause of your pain and suffering and i simply wont be any longer. i refuse. if it were down to me we’d be in a home together, taking a few days to ourselves but knowing we have the security of eachother at the end of it. because that’s something we both need, security - knowing that the other person has us 100%, and you’ve proven yourself to me time and time again and even more so in the last two days with your honesty and openness and willingness. and now it’s my turn.

honestly i know me and I know my personality and I know my ability to overcome in situations where i risk losing something i hold close to me. Ahead of me I’ve got 7 weeks of CBT over that period will cover a range of talking therapies based on the idea that thoughts, feelings, what we do and how our body feels are all connected. If we change one of these we can alter the others. so in turn, improving the way I view situations, and improving the way i treat my body will impact how i feel and how i act massively - especially in a situation where i can often feel way too strongly about stuff.

with the idea of CBT, it works based on the idea that ‘When people feel worried or distressed we often fall into patterns of thinking and responding which can worsen how we feel. CBT works to help us notice and change problematic thinking styles or behaviour patterns so we can feel better.’ and i’m already at the point I can physically list the toxic reactions i have when i feel overwhelmed and I know some ways in which personally ive learn to avoid that happening, for example:

Explosive anger / breaking things/ slamming things - walking away to my own space, to play games or blast music or just cry. I would like to have my own little space to do this in, be that just my princess tent. It is not ok for me to react so strongly to being angry, but i do need a healthy way to vent anger as this is very much a normal emotion.

Emotional outbursts/ crying - this is ok to do, but what’s not ok is to drag others into it. it’s ok to break down and be sad, but at this point i need to ask for comfort, a cuddle, a phone call, reassurance, i need to ASK for these things and not assume people instantly know what i need, especially as anger when crying can look a lot like sadness. and in that situation i have very different needs.

Jealousy/ insecurity/ paranoia - TALK. COMMUNICATE. TRUST. Inevitably, I can be paranoid, its arguably the most annoying symptom of them all. once someone gets a doubt in my mind i worry endlessly. by talking, communicating i can get the reassurance I need and drop it - by being open and honest and ASKING before I assume it can avoid any emotional overwhelming. as stupid and unrealistic as some things may sound, my brain will often find a way to find some logic too it no matter how far fetched, so please be patient with this as i’d rather sit down and be able to talk to you no matter how silly you might think it sounds, i dont mean to sound accusing at times i know i have done - but i need to insure i question rather than accuse in a way that isnt attacking, as to not stress or panic you. I know its inconvenient and a pain but i want to be able for us to both communicate and whilst i dont worry or get paranoid all the time, it does happen and the best course of action is just reassurance and patience, being calm with me and listening.

snapping and raising voice - this is usually the tell for any incoming outburst of explosive emotion. the typical result of so much from being tired, stressed, hormonal or simply just born from frustration. This will happen from time to time as with any couple, however its how its handled that matters, we’re both guilty of raising our voices or snapping or coming across blunt and more often than not without really realising. It can be all to easy to get triggered by this and respond in a bad way, but this can be shut down and resolved by a simple ‘there’s no need to snap, or raise your voice’ and i know in the past that has then led to more issues, this is from me taking offence because it sometimes feels like you’re trying to invalidate my feelings and thoughts. this is my issue to work through, and learn to stay calm in situations. which this is all stuff i’ve done before, and let slip when i let my whole life kinda spiral. so its an uphill battle for sure, but its also a very winnable one.

Lack of appreciation - I’m very guilty of this, i’ve been trying more recently to show you that i appreciate the things you do but on reflection actually, it’s all the small things which actually are second nature to you that i feel i dont show enough appreciation for, making juice, making the effort to talk to me and tell me about your day after you’re clearly exhausted. there’s so many things that in just two days of not being close to you that im realising need and deserve that level of appreciation. and this comes with time, it’s so easy to forget as time passes and things become the norm that actually - it’s not the norm and it deserves thanks. This is a two way street and sometimes i feel the same, but at the same time you go more than out of your way to thank me for basic tasks like washing up, changing the bed etc.... and when i feel so low in myself that makes a huge huge difference to my day. so i recognise the importance to express thanks, but i also know sometimes its not always possible or simply gets forgotten.

self care - This is without a doubt something which has a huge impact, I’ve been desperately clawing at life and the things i love trying to drag myself along with my hair and nails and dye and clothes, but honestly? its hard. i hate myself. i disgust myself. and you make me feel so wanted and loved, it changes everything when we’re going so well. but i know that it’s not healthy to be dependent on you like that, there’s no harm in boosting each-others confidence or making each-other feel good but the reality is for me that self care is the thing that will always give me a fighting chance at a good day. be it regular shaving/ bathing/ hair washing/ skin care/ nails it just makes me feel good. i like to get dressed up and look fiiine, but putting the weight back on has made it so much worse. I do want your help and advice about food, eating and working out and I know i often seem to turn my nose up but honestly i worry about being condescended to, its one of my triggers because no one likes to be made to feel stupid. and that’s also something i need to remember. i’ve under estimated you so much. that’s not ok though. but yes, the plan of action is to get my eating back under control (which is going good given the fact i cant keep any food down haha!) and take measures to get into a daily routine, even if i’m not going anywhere - just so when i catch a glimpse in the mirror i dont get low. my weight is a huge contributor to everything self care related, it gets me down massively and its a huge trigger for anxiety and paranoia for me when you make comments about people you see online etc about their weight or call people fat, because i worry you judge me the same way and it sounds pathetic but it does genuinely hurt because sometimes it sounds like size is a huge issue for you and it sends me spiralling downwards, but this is a trigger that needs to be made clear to you as i know deep down you’re just messing most the time.

unfair divide in chores/ laziness - Washing up. when we progress and work through this, can we just get a dish washer? I will hand wash all my fluffy plates etc and the unicorn ones on a fair amount, for example if i use a plate and there’s one waiting to be cleaned i wont just dump mine on top for you to do, providing there’s time i will ensure it doesn’t build up, and obviously this is a habit we should both get into really to avoid any stress over the kitchen area being unclean. especially when you’re working 13 hours a day, i cant imagine i’ll be working that long of a day! so it makes more sense for me to do that when you’re out etc.

Snide remarks - Im the worst for this. think links in massively with the snapping and the outburts. I feel at times i do this because im over whelmed, and i know this is wrong. the solution to this i feel is just pure mindfulness, and respect more than anything else. I feel CBT will help with this massively. I wish I knew more about WHY this is my go to defence mechanism but honestly I have no idea myself.

Passing the blame/ playing victim - I feel I do this more than you, sometimes when i get triggered i feel like my reactions and thoughts are out of my control... which is just stupid. because ultimately it’s my job to decide what i think about something. end of really, it’s my responsibility and after talking i realised that by me blaming you, or making silly comments that made it feel like i was blaming you hurts you, massively. Unless your direct actions has led to something bad happening, for example if you throw something at me and it hits me in the eye and i shout oH FUCK or something, then that situation i would feel that your actions would be the reason i raised my voice for that haha :P the reality of the situation is that on a personal level we’re each responsible for taking responsibility for our own wellbeing - in the sense that while i’ve got every intention of looking after you fully, if you dont open up to me like you have recently then i dont know how to fix it and won’t be able to fix it for you and vice versa.

Invalidation - This I think we’re both very guilty of at times without meaning to - or even noticing we do it. it’s so so important that we listen and understand each-other without judgement. I sometimes do not acknowledge how upset or stressed or tired you are to the extent i need to, i can be dismissive and selfish especially when you’re so late home from work etc. I can get over excited and a little self obsessed to see it from your perspective. With BPD a lot of my triggers are caused by me feeling invalided like you don't understand or take things seriously when i try to express myself and it leaves me frustrated or upset, i know now that it’s not always the case and sometimes you panic and cant deal. I feel this is something we need to work on together. and learn about each other as time passes.

The need for reassurance/ attention/ care - Sometimes I feel like I ask for attention openly and it just kinda gets brushed off or last for a short period of time before you pick your phone or something up. When I ask for attention I mean I’d like to spend some quality time with you one on one, no distractions just me being able to enjoy you. You’ve never spoken to me about needing attention or care really so I would like you to be open with me when you need something, be that for me to help with your food, run you a bath or just get things for you when you’re not feeling so good. I do feel I am a lot needier in this sense with the whole ddlg stuff, and there’s a lot more expectation and pressure for you to care for me, but please know I am more than capable of looking after you when you need it, or simply just want it.

Sex and intimacy - This is a huge huge thing for me because for the first time in a very long time i’ve actually wanted to be physically close to another person. I dont really tend to like people touching me it makes me feel uneasy to actually wanting to be close to you feels amazing. The past few months obviously have been really bad for this, and i feel at times i’ve pushed for you to want to even cuddle or be near me. the lack of interest in me ruins that ‘you make me feel good about myself and wanted and loved’ from earlier and just fills me with safe hate like there’s something wrong with me, like im ugly and gross and you just cant stand the thought of being near me. this hurts me massively. obviously I know now that this was a direct result of everything that was going on but even now in my mind all i can hear and think about is you ‘how can you expect me to want to have sex with you when you say such horrible things’ and it’s like i shut down so much when i feel unwanted and pushed away it becomes a vicious cycle for us both. I know sex isnt something immediately on the cards etc and you need time to heal, but i think it would do us good to talk about what it means to us and stuff. and reasons why or why not we’d do that yknow? i know it’s a bit of a weird one but i feel so close to you when we do that like as weird and twisted as it sounds it feels like reassurance - at this point in my life I associate sex with love, and there isnt one without the other. so in my mind, no sex = no love so when we are intimate and stuff it relaxes me and puts my mind at ease. Regular intimacy is a huge thing, even if that’s just naked snuggles and touching yknow.

Cuddles and sleeps - I have no complaints, just moar pls. all the time. every day. 24/7 ;p I do get though that sometimes it’s too hot to snuggle properly, but similarly to sex i feel that if i dont touch you then i’m not wanted. it might sound stupid it’s just another form of validation i guess.

Money and savings - I don’t really know where to go with this, I find it uncomfortable that you’re still on a joint account with Jezi and are paying off finance items in her house. Personally I don’t want to make any commitments money wise until you sort this situation out which has been nearly a year long now and you said you would sort something out in December. I personally think the situation is weird and not ok. I don’t pay for Ben’s sofa, so why are you paying for hers? This is something that should have been sorted out when you left and i feel that it’s putting our life together on hold still. I don’t want to move forward knowing you’re still on someone elses joint account etc because that isn’t fair on me. I want us to work together as a team and once we take that next step to joint assets for it to be joint between US not you and anyone else. This i feel is a massive personal boundary for me. I want to commit to you and start our life, our home, our savings and bills etc together.

Children and family - Obviously, this is a huge one and i’ve had a pretty shitty attitude to date with this and some stupid shit i’ve come out with. I think we need to draw the line with making rude or offensive comments about each-others families. See the line becomes a bit blurry when you make offensive jokes or comments about your children etc, so the expectation that others dont when you do it isnt right. I do also think we should both have a set routine and more open conversations about this. I think that effort needs to come from both of us with each others families, obviously you dont need to make effort for any of my children because they’re all furry and have four legs. ;p

I don’t want to feel like my whole life has been shaken up, and you’ve always said it wouldnt be like that, or feel like im being pushed out because like i’ve said from the start i want a life with you - and whilst yes it fully involves luna and celestia i need your word that it wont effect the things we do together, like move in or get married or have our own family etc. because ultimately these are things i want for us in the future, sure not the foreseeable future but I DO want that life with you, and i want it to be just perfect and I feel ive spent so long trying to adjust by myself, trying to educate and calm and sooth myself with a situation that you frankly just dropped me in and left me in that it’s been a struggle. There’s a lot of stuff that I thought I felt to begin with that was just a part of the process for accepting and understanding. I love having fun days out and stuff, and I do want to be apart of their lives and make a positive impact on them and be another person in their support system, but i also need to know that in difficult situations where anyone acts up or misbehaves that you will deal with that, because it stresses me out feeling like it’s not my place to say or do anything, i just feel helpless and confused because this is a LIFE, a CHILD we’re talking about and it’s not my place to do right or wrong. it was hard coming to terms with the fact they’re not something I gave you. i wish so hard that things could have been different and a part of me will ALWAYS hurt that you gave that part of yourself to someone else and not me. but the fact is that it’s done. and there’s nothing I or you or anyone can do to change that. so it was just a case of learning to come to terms with the feelings i had about it, and process them in a way that I could move past it and get on. It’s at the point that my thoughts about everything changed completely. of course i still hate the fact its not something we share, but the reality is that if its important to you then it’s important to me, and whatever your thoughts and feelings I will do nothing other than support you in that. I think my perspective even until recently was a little limited to say the least, it felt like it was a case of me or them, and that you could only be there for either me or them in life, it just felt like a competition for you attention and love because from my experience when we have them you pretty much ignore me and give me the complete cold shoulder and im not ok with that. i know its hard for them to adjust but the reality is that if you want us to be together in the long term then sooner or later they’ll have to get used to seeing us together and honestly it’ll just become the norm if we act normal.

Honesty and openness -

Approachability -

Changes in opinion and feelings -

Worries -

Moving forward -

boundaries on a personal level / exs/ porn/ stupid shit - I will do a whole new post on this! But it’s so important we both have our boundaries with things, or are at least aware of what makes each other uncomfortable or upset. Being aware of this will stop us triggering each other.

dating -

Home -

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leaughrilke · 8 years ago

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So how do Lena and the kids handle things when Kara gets hurt from a fight with an alien or something?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH WELL

i mean when they’re little, the kids aren’t super duper aware?? and the adults around them keep a p good handle on everything when shit goes down so they usually remain p blissfully ignorant when kara gets hurt

like they get that kara has a sometimes scary job where she has to protect ppl but its like aunt maggie or aunt alex’s jobs and sometimes she walks in the front door moving a little stiffly and sometimes they have to go see her at the deo, sitting under these bright lights that make maia and finn feel a little weird, a little dizzy, a little powerful, and they hurt stella’s eyes (or maybe that’s not why there’s this heavy pounding at the back of her skull? she’s so little, she doesn’t have words for it) but it doesn’t rlly.....idk sink in??

that said: lena is quietly a Wreck. bc the kiddos respond to how she responds, she can’t rlly fall apart (not that she ever rlly did?? but she was able to cry abt it and drop everything to rush to the deo and fuss over kara) so she gets v quiet abt it, all hurried crying with the sink running, bathroom door locked. she gets v good at hiding the evidence that anything is wrong

one time, when finn is abt six or so and maia is four and stella isnt quite a year old, kara gets Hurt. like big time, holy shit, lena we’re doing everything we can for her hurt. and lena’s stretched so thin already bc kara’s been gone a lot in the week leading up to this, trying to catch this trio of aliens (one rozz escapee, two that got caught up in his schemes) bc they made a direct threat to that pretty luthor you seem so interested in, isn’t she married supergirl? so she just—she can’t imagine not being with kara at the deo but she can’t make their three little kids spend the night in uncomfortable chairs either and she’s exhausted and terrified bc for the first time in a long time she’s not like one hundred percent sure kara’s going to be okay?? and she can’t do this alone, she can’t raise their children on her own, this was always a partnership and she can barely keep them all on schedule for a week how on earth can she do that for the rest of their lives?

and god bless the superfriends, they all step the fuck up. they’re all sick with worry, obviously, but these kids are still pretty sheltered, still dont have any idea of what their mother does, who she is, what she risks to protect them every day, and everyone pulls it together a little, just enough to take shifts with the kiddos.

maggie takes mornings, gets finn and maia up and off to school, makes sure they have packed lunches and healthy breakfasts and sends lena little text updates, a picture every morning of the kiddos grinning in their carseats

james covers afternoons—winn picks the kiddos up and drops them at catco and listen, they love their uncle james to no end and he comes up with a million and one games for them to play. cat usually emerges from her office at some point bearing sweets and the offer of cartoons on one of the many tvs on her wall

lucy flies in on the weekend and hosts a sleepover at her apartment in the city, promises that she’ll make sure they eat their fruits and veggies and then immediately gives them just about as much sugar as they can ask for. they watch the incredibles and finding nemo and the aristocats (abt 37 times, lucy counted)

eliza stays at the house, helps take care of stella when lena needs to sleep. she and alex understand The Most, and they stay the closest; eliza cooks meals and moms the hell out of lena and alex sits right next to her at the deo, squeezes her hand whenever she starts to cry and cries along with her

its not good and its not easy and those six days are the Longest of lena’s life but the kids dont even remember them rlly, just a hazy sort of fog of hanging out with their cool aunts and uncles and finn’s the only one that kind of remembers?? but he only rlly remembers kara coming home and them eating a lot of potstickers

UNDER THE CUT BC I KEEP CRYING UR WELCOME

it’s a completely different story when they’re older. i would say the first Big Scary Moment comes when finn’s ~10, maia’s around eight, and stella’s just turned five. stella only rlly remembers it bc emotion sort of sharpens all of her memories??? and there were a fuck ton of emotions happening

stella’s at a sleepover and maia’s at a girl scout overnighter and finn’s at a sleepover too (nice attempt at date night kara and lena, too bad evil waits for no happily married couple’s first night alone in months) and kara has to leave bc there’s something happening uptown and lena’s happy, a little warm from the wine and says something like hurry back and she turns on the news, bc she always does when supergirl has to save the day and it’s around six, so it’s the regular evening news and its on in just about every home in national city and the counselors at maia’s camp are watching just to kill time

so everyone gets to watch in hd as supergirl gets shot out of the sky in a hail of kryptonite bullets

stella’s hysterical, so’s maia (no one ever said the kids were any better at secret keeping than kara), finn’s the only one that rlly keeps it together long enough to fake a stomach ache and ask to call his mom to come get him. lena’s numb, rlly, has to focus on keeping her voice steady when she’s got maia and stella on speaker, assuring them both that she’s on her way to get them, she’s just picked up finn

alex’s already had one of the break rooms near medical set up with cots and lena nearly cries then and there in relief, because she sure as shit isnt leaving the deo without kara and she sure as shit isnt calling a babysitter for her hysterical children, not when stella’s hanging onto her and maia’s tucked up against her side and finn, oh god finn’s trying so hard to keep it together, keeps looking at his sisters, keeps looking at lena and setting his jaw and he’s so much like kara it hurts for lena to see

kara’s in surgery for a long time, long enough that the kids eventually pass out. they have separate cots, but finn asks lena to help him shove them all together and it makes a surface big enough for the kiddos to curl up together, stella sandwiched between her big siblings, finn’s longer arms just barely reaching over maia’s shoulder, keeping them all together and lena can’t sleep so she pulls up her cot as well and watches her children sleep, watches them draw their breath in sync, as a unit, and she’s not sure how long it is, but then alex is stepping in, exhausted, and she just nods at lena and it’s enough

stella must sense the mood shift bc she’s awake first, squirming to get free of the dog pile theyre in and waking her sibling in the process and then they’re all looking at lena, wide eyed, and it’s maia, the boldest of the three, that asks when can we see mama?

alex answers that she’s resting, that she needs to rest a little longer, but if they’re very quiet and very careful they can go in and see her right now and lena’s not sure if she’s ever seen her children so entirely subdued, but they shuffle into kara’s room very quietly and very carefully, lena just behind them and kara just barely blinks, just barely smiles at them before it all changes again, before stella’s whispering something in finn’s ear and finn’s nodding and asking alex if they can kiss kara and kara’s eyes are shining and lena’s very nearly openly crying

kara kind of cuts alex off with a hoarse c’mere kiddos, i feel like i haven’t seen you in a week and then finn’s wrapping his arms around stella’s middle and he and maia are bouncing off the ground lightly, floating over to kara’s side and their kisses are kind of messy, a little snotty probably, considering how much crying they’ve been doing, but it’s okay, it’s so much better bc kara’s laughing and smiling and sharing a look with lena when stella insists on putting bandaids on her bc you’ve got a lot of booboos mama

it changes as they get even older, obviously, as they get a better understanding of why their mom is getting hurt, and maia gets very angry with kara for a while bc she gets wanting to protect ppl, she gets being a hero, but what, are you just going to leave us?

one time kara gets p hurt and maia storms out of the room when the family gathers around her and she wont talk to lena, wont talk to alex, and its against several warnings not to that kara gets out from under the sun lamps and goes after her. it’s not an easy conversation, not by any means and maia’s angry at a a lot of things and kara’s only one of them, but she gets the brunt of it, gets the why don’t you ever think about us? and the broken i don’t want you to die that comes after a fair amount of yelling and crying

kara doesn’t have a lot of answers that will satisfy maia, she knows, bc maia’s young still and hasn’t had much reason to see the good in people, doesnt have the same idealistic world view like finn, like kara, but what she lacks in solid answers, she makes up for in a hug that clocks in around twelve minutes at least and it’s not the end of the discussion, but its the end for now bc then maia’s remember that holy shit, my mom just got thrown through a building and is ushering kara back to the sun bed

finn’s so gentle, his heart just breaks every time kara gets hurt. he cries for days in college once bc kara blows her powers in the middle of a fight and just keeps going bc back up wasnt coming and there were civilian lives at stake and he wanted to fly home to help, he wanted to, he wanted to so badly, but he couldnt, he was rooted in place watching the fight on the tv in the lounge, too afraid of the power he had to move

he feels a lot of guilt for that for a very long time, even after stella intervenes (she doesnt v often, only when she thinks it’s necessary) and kara talks to him, assures him there’s nothing for him to feel guilty for. it takes years, rlly, for him to ever really forgive himself for not helping her, for not stepping in

mostly tho he steps in and fills the gap while kara’s down, takes maia to the demo room when her hands start shaking with rage, holds stella’s punching bag, stops by lena’s office when he’s on his way home from school to drop off a sandwich or salad or something just to make sure she eats. bless him, he rarely confronts his own feelings about his mother’s second job, the risks she takes. he can’t, you know? they’re hard, difficult to handle, difficult to reign in, so he avoids thinking about it too hard until he’s forced it, then my sweet son just breaks down at the oddest moments, like in line at the grocery store or folding laundry or playing video games with his best friend. just fucking sobs—its usually weeks after kara’s been hurt, and kara’s learned to be on the look out for him around this time, learned to keep half her attention searching the city for her son crying and when she hears it she just drops whatever she’s doing and goes to collect him. they usually go get ice cream or maybe pizza, or sometimes take a walk along the pier. sometimes kara will ask finn to teach her how to play whatever game he’s rlly into and she will act like she absolutely has no idea how to play it at first (even though she totally plays them)

and stella !! stella, little stella always feels it the hardest, always takes her pain and grief and anger and fear and multiplies it, carries the weight of her family with her everywhere she goes. even if she’s not watching kara fight off whatever evil is lurking in national city, she knows when it’s gone wrong bc lena always watches and the two ppl stella can feel the easiest, strongest, loudest are kara and lena. she always feels it first

and then it’s agonizing hours of pain, wave after wave of horror and fear and it gets worse the more time she spends around her family—its always the worst from alex and lena, she gets flashes of what happened from alex, gets blood and the crack of bone, the echo of kara getting slammed into a wall or a truck or the pavement. she gets these bits and pieces of horrible what ifs from lena, gets black suits and questions about kryptonian funerals. it’s awful. she doesnt want to be alone when its like this, but stella can hardly stand being around other people, like her own shit is hard enough to deal with, she doesnt need this too

she toughs it out every time tho, bc she’d rather live through it with them all, rather be right there when her mom wakes up than to be somewhere else. her peace of mind isnt worth that much

eventually it spills over bc it has to, stella cant swallow these feelings forever. it’s a few days after the latest scare and stella’s the only kid still at home, the only one that didn’t have to get back to school, so she’s spending the rest of her spring break on the couch with her mom while she recovers, while she recharges. it’s fine one second, then kara gets up to get more popcorn or something and stubs her toe and since she’s still powerless, she actually winces and then stella’s thinking about it, thinking about how close they all came to losing her again and the thoughts and emotions sort of push their way into kara’s mind and stella knows the moment they do bc then kara’s stopped and is giving her this terrible, soft look

by this point, kara knows stella’s patterns like the back of her hand, knows that she wont talk about it until she’s ready, but that she’ll be ready a lot sooner now that kara knows what’s going on. so she doesn’t say anything, just gets more popcorn and makes stella some tea while she’s up. when she comes back to the couch, she pulls her daughter into a tight hug bc the sensory thing—that usually helps when she gets overwhelmed like this, too

i’m sorry you’re carrying this, kara tells her. i’m sorry i can’t help.

stella nods. i know

its almost enough to know that her mother would carry it if she could

#this is v kara and the kids centric tbh #supercorp #supergirl #kara danvers #lena luthor #superbabies #anonymous #human interaction

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findingfindingmyniche-blog · 6 years ago

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late night rambles

all those who are lost are welcome. I guess im an oddity in itself, nothing special. I have no notable talents. I cant sing, play music, make art or anything that would make me stand out. I am just existence. I like to think i can write but when i read other peoples work who claim to just do it for fun, i come up short yet again. I have never found the thing that i can really excel at, something that makes me stand apart from the crowd. Thats what has been holding me back all these years. My husband will say the same but i am in awe of how ingenuitive be can be. He is handy, smart, a great problem solver, his poetry can make you weep (the ones he wrote in his high school days lol), so many great qualities that i admire. Im sure there are things he admires about me because he wouldnt have married me if not, but i dont see them. I am passionate about my kid, but i get told im a helicopter mom, when im all im trying to do is figure shit out on my own without constantly being ridiculed that im doing it wrong. And possibly because i felt that my childhood wasnt the best so i try to take the mistakes i thought my parents made and not repeat history. whatever. Even before the “All i am is a mom” stage i am in now, i just never really belonged anywhere.I tried to hard to fit in as a kid that i never took the time to find my individuality. I was always tinkering with short stories and mom would shudder at the adult type of situations i would create in my head. Maybe i could be good at that. She gave me the old 95 family computer to have in my room that had no internet just paint and word pretty much, (sometimes i would play doom, only in GodMode though). I would write these 5 to 6 page stories on just anything that popped into my head. I would proudly print them out and make my mom or sisters or even my sisters friend read them and hope i could inspire some emotion out of them, sometimes i would. I read a lot in my early teen years. A lot of Nora Roberts and Nicholas sparks novels. It would inspire me to make a story but it seemed to always fall flat, as if i just took the plot from one of the books and twisted it into my own story. I mean isnt that what most novels are anyways, a certain type of drama or mystery. Im not even sure. The school told me all i needed to know, when i thought i was a good writer, I would get shut down with a slight above average grade. a B plus person for life. In college in excelled in English and got an A on every paper but to me its like ive been writing like this all my life, I went to State competition for history fair, just to get shut down once again. I have to admit though, it wasnt my best work and i knew it. Its almost like im the one holding myself back. afraid of a risk because every risk ive taken has kinda backfired, not all but the majority. Probably the best risk was going on a date with Justin when i knew no one else would get it, but there was something about him, like a force pulling me towards him that i couldnt ignore. It wasnt the firey passionate “i have to be with you every moment of my life” feeling like i felt with my ex even though i really dont like to admit it now. It just fit, like a puzzle piece that was missing, i feel whole. I tend to wander, if you havent noticed already, its hard to keep a train of thought when youve been struck with a need to just keep tying and in a sense word vomit till i feel relief. This is my me time. A time i couldnt really give a shit what anyone thinks or feels, its just me and a keyboard. Thank you Mom for my new laptop. its graceful typing, even though i have to get used to typing again. So much backspace used.... and i laugh at myself. The whiskey is helping. Lets wander agian since im thinking about exes. Justin and i always laugh at our exes, some were good, some were bad, some left a stain on our hearts that can never be wiped off. I think of my exes often, like a mental check in once in a while. They shaped me to who i was so i will never regret any of them, although i may regret my actions at the time. i regret hurting people, i regret not leaving sooner with others, Its like i still feel all of them. Like how they were when i was with them, i have no idea the people they are today because i dont ever talk to anyone i used to date. its too complicated when youre married, whats in the past should stay there. But i do often remember and worry how some are faring. i hear rumors and feel sad that they are not doing well, yes multiple people. Its not like i serial dated but there were about 5 or 6 significant guys who i think of often. Its a weird feeling. Knowing all those people i have encountered in my life, all of them led me to where i am today. I look at my little boy and he is just the most beautiful wonderful human being in my world. He is everything to me, and none of that could have happened without all that i have been through. I have been through hell and back a few times. I never thought id be where i am today, a mother, a wife. Happy. I am happy, because the past 3 years have been so hard and yet ive never counted my blessings more. I now look through the hard times and cling to my husband and son knowing the three of us can make it through anything. It seems i finally feel a peace now, my word vomit has concluded. Its makes absolutely no sense when i re-read it but who cares? no one is really listening right?

#late night rambles #notablogger #dontjudgeme #this makes no sense

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