#hate this disorder hate myself hate what it’s doing to me hate that recovery is so hard

[sideblogformentalhealtshit]

having arfid is like if someone diagnosed you with "hates poop disorder" then told you that you either have to start eating bowls of horse diarrhea with human nail clippings in it or you die. that would fucking suck now wouldn't it

[carnage-cathedral]

okay genuinely, I am so fed up with this site. like don't get me wrong, I love being on here and interacting with friends and stuff, but people are so nasty to others for no reason. we get hate mail for venting too much, we get hate mail for being too happy. we get fakeclaimed. we get people trying to trigger an ed relapse. we get victim blamed. we get invalidated. we get all this hate, despite avoiding conflict at all costs. it's infuriating because no matter what we do, someone is out to get us

[nukanom1con]

borderline rambles.

[thyfleshc0nsumed]

does sympathy for hatred work into your belief? loaded question, i'm sorry. i know you have enough empathy to go around. it was an unkind question with unkind feelings behind it. i hurt. but i don't know what i'm are supposed to do with pedo-rapists that will never stop haunting us. daddy's in prison for the next 15 years and mommy wishes i had died. i feel so lonely. feel like my terror makes me a centrist or something. i feel so stupid.

You are not stupid, nor are you wrong for feeling how you feel. It is not a failure of any kind to feel the ways that you do. In fact, feeling these things is part of the process, at least within my process.

I don't think where I have currently landed as it comes to forgiveness is above or below anyone else. It's not a moral question whatsoever. In many ways, it's fueled by pure pragmatism and self-interest. It's the only way I personally have found to move forward with my life. And to me, that says nothing about anyone else or their path. It is only what I have found has helped me.

I will speak on my story because that is all I can speak on--this is not an attempt to 'diagnose' you or where you are at within your process; when I say 'I,' I authentically mean I, myself.

For a long time I was not ready to move forward. I was angry. I had been hurt badly by so many, in ways that were not merely the unavoidable forms of harm that being a human in relationship with other humans brings about. And I was not ready to let that go.

That is a neutral fact. Healing is not an imperative, and suffering is part of the process. It was not wrong for me to be angry, or to feel hate for those who hurt me, or to not be ready to move beyond those experiences. If i still felt that way today, or in a decade, or till the end of my life, it would not be wrong. If I died still with those feelings, there would be no shame in that.

For a very long time, I truly did not believe there was any other option. Perhaps there were no other options for me with the spot I was at in life, maybe there was no other way it could have been. This acceptance of what 'was' is useful in looking back, but not helpful for projecting onto the future. For a long time, I did project this fatalism into the future. I believed the story of my life was already told, and I just had to watch. But slowly, over the course of a number of years, my conviction in that belief weakened and alongside it, something else sprouted.

I met Anat at a partial hospitalization program for my eating disorder in 2021. She was early 30s. We were the only two smokers in the group, so we got to know each other quickly and well. She kicked dope when she was about my age at the time and had been sober ever since.

I used for a lot of reasons, to boil it down to some singular, cohesive, narratively-fulfilling motivation neglects the truth of the matter.

I used because drugs are fun, and I like them. I used because they passed the time. I used because I felt unfulfilled and they were a distraction. And I used because all I wanted was to not exist anymore so I could stop hurting, and getting fucked up felt easier than killing myself.

Before meeting Anat, I genuinely did not believe that recovery--by which I mean more than simple abstinence--was possible for me. Of course, cognitively, I knew there were addicts who stopped, stayed stopped, and got better, but I didn't know any, or at least none like me. And Anat was like me, I could tell. I wanted to stop, I had every reason to stop, I faced consequence after consequence for not having stopped, and still, I kept going. But here in front of me was evidence that it was possible. I was still not yet ready. I was stringing a week or less together at a time, miserable for every second of it. I was not ready to let go of what was keeping me there.

Anat was murdered a month after I met her. When I found out, I downed gin till i was unconscious. I was angry, I was lost, I was hurt, and I wished I never met her because meeting her changed something in me: I started to believe that something--anything!--else was possible from life besides endless hurt.

The funny thing about belief is that, well, we can't believe what we don't believe. And I didn't believe what I used to anymore, or at least not as unshakably. There was a seed of doubt: maybe something else is possible. I did not yet believe it, but I had been forced to become the tiniest bit open to the idea. Maybe I am wrong; maybe this is not all that there is.

And that's all it takes to get the ball rolling.

"Do you believe, or are you willing to believe?"

I don't remember the next year of my life very well, but i know it was very, very, very bad. I kept using, and it only got worse. I continued getting raped again and again. I got evicted. But the one thing I had was the morsel of hope growing inside of me.

And I hated it. Hope means I feel that I owe it to myself to try. Cynicism has a comfort to it: sure, things may suck, but at least I know they'll suck. Hope lacks that. Hope requires me to open myself up to disappointment. Hope had always been folly to me.

But slowly, I stopped wanting to hurt. That sliver of belief that the hurt could maybe stop turned into a desire. To fulfill the desire, the only option was to try. If hurt is assured through one path, and only a possibility in the other, I must choose the second, even though it is very possible I do not avoid the hurt.

It is not wrong to not be ready to move forward. If your process has not led you to want what I have come to want, that is not a failure. It does not make you deficient. I was not wrong to be where I was 4 years ago and I am not right for being where I am today. Maybe your process leads you elsewhere. Maybe your life worth living is very different than mine. None of these things are anything besides 'is.'

I heard a call from within myself that I had never heard before, and I felt compelled to answer it: act only out of goodwill and love for others and myself. Simple, but not easy.

I am myself and myself alone. The only life I get to live is my own. It is not for me to say what anyone else should do, because I am not anyone else and I do not know what anyone else should do. Maybe you got the same call as me, maybe you feel differently about it, maybe you didn't get it at all, maybe you never will, maybe you get a different call. Maybe your process is different. I am not you, I have neither ability nor desire to judge you or anyone else. All I can do is what i can and hope that others are happy and fulfilled, no matter what.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Since feedism has lately become kinda controversial (people vehemently pro and vehemently anti ever since I made that post) I'm going to try to keep the conversation open in a positive, non-judgmental way. I do want to do my best to make this a safe space for all experiences to be heard. There are people who have had EXTREMELY predatory experiences being drawn into feedism. There are, as I've learned, also people who feel they've been able to establish a gentle, positive, and consent-based experience around the practice. I'm not taking either side, just reflecting on the initial reason I made that post and felt so anti-feedism there.

We know that diet culture, starvation, and the ana/mia constant of setting lower and lower goal weights does irreparable harm to the human body. Restricting as a teen, during a crucial developmental period, definitely damaged mine.

But so did bingeing. When I came out of anorexia, I cycled back and forth between that and binge eating disorder. And bingeing was at least as destructive and damaging to my GI system as starving. I'm not kidding. There was more than one time in college that I had to lie on my side on my dorm room floor because I'd eaten so much that I was in too much pain to get up, my stomach all round and hard like a basketball from being so stuffed. And I still felt the compulsion to try and eat more. I was miserable and I hated myself for hurting myself like that, but I couldn't stop. The only thing that I found to be supportive of my health was practicing intuitive eating - letting my own body dictate exactly what I needed, exactly how much, and when - no more, and no less. And it took a VERY long time for me to settle into that pattern and lessen instances of compulsive binge eating.

Just because this was my experience doesn't mean I'm saying no one's allowed to have a different one. But I will say, it definitely makes me feel somewhat concerned, as someone who is a strong proponent of intuitive eating, that a lot of the feeder content I have seen does hold a deliberate emphasis on consistent weight gain. Not specifically the eating part - the way that a feeder can encourage a feedee to keep gaining. The way recovery has looked for me is this: I let my hunger cues dictate my needs. My body can settle into whatever size it needs to be as I follow these hunger cues. I do not make a practice of ignoring my body's needs in order to deliberately change the size it naturally wants to be - whether that be smaller, or larger. That's what I have always been a proponent of, and I have always made a point to emphasize that intuitive eating absolutely applies to people who are naturally fat, that they have no obligation to starve their bodies in an attempt to stop being fat. "Just let your body be what it needs to be" has been the mantra that has best supported my relationship with food.

I think that's specifically what made me find feedism suspect - the emphasis on pushing continuous gain for kink purposes rather than any specific health need. (This is not me dunking on people who do get off on that relationship - just talking about my perspective as someone who absolutely HAD to learn how to put my own body behind the wheel and nobody else when it comes to what I eat, and how much.)

That being said, if anybody in this community wants to talk to me about specific ways they feel the experience has benefited them. And while it's okay to talk to me about kink (I'll make sure to tag appropriately) as kink is an important part of some peoples' lives, I am curious to hear if people feel they've experienced benefits outside of the kink sphere too, and what that looks like for them. Hoping to keep this an open, and respectful, conversation.

[gardenerian]

oops i 🕺🏼 did it again 🕺🏼

hey WHOOPS turns out it's hospital time again 💅🏻 almost three years to the day since the last time, too, we love a cyclical moment 💅🏻 in three years time we'll see if i've ever learned anything ever in my goofy little life 💅🏻

i'm not sure sure how many of you were here for the last hurrah, but i think at the time i went on this whole spiel about no shame, asking for help, taking time, etc? and - yeah, i still think that. no shame, let's do this (well. lots of shame, actually, but hey ho we move along).

but this time has its own set of circumstances and its own new set of complications. and this time meant depriving myself of just about everything. including you, including everything we made together.

so before i dive back into groups, vitals, and pants without strings, here's what i've been thinking:

i hate that i let this happen. i hate that i watched the joy dry up; i hate that i just accepted the new normal as everything i love became a source of stress and guilt and shame. i hate that i was so afraid of doing things wrong or letting things change that i stopped doing them at all.

i never anticipated that i would let my own personality be squashed down to make room for this extra disorder??? one's enough, thanks.

i can't really make any promises right now - who can in recovery? but i can at least say wow. hey. i am sorry. to you and to me! and i can say that, in all the ways that matter, i'm gonna try. to be present, to be intentional. to give myself (and this time) some grace and, hopefully, some compassion.

so! while i relearn how to feed myself (yall ever heard about peanut butter? holy shit. effervescent.), just. idk. know that i love you. know that i think about you and the joy we share and the things we've built together. and it matters - all of it.

the next few weeks are gonna be WEIRD and idk how often i will be here, but god. this is the start! i want to get back. or at least find a new way to engage. i wanna make shit and hang out and be ridiculous. and i want to hear from you! i want to reconnect and reinvest and stumble around the dash like a newborn baby deer. if you'd like, dm me or find me on discord or on on my weird little personal blog (@beochaoineadh) and let's catch up 🍅

anyways! that's enough! let's get on with it! i love you!

[dearlordnotagain]

I don't think I can do this again. I've been giving it a lot of thought. I don't want this for myself. I'm already losing everything I've built up again over the last couple years. Recovery was amazing. And horrible. It's so fucking HARD! this is so fucking hard. The disordered thoughts never went away, I don't think they ever will.

I can't focus, I'm trying so damn hard to focus on ANYTHING else other than this bullshit and I just cant. I feel horrendous, I feel so scared and anxious about everything.

This is a bad place. I don't want to come back here again. I don't want to recover. And yet I do so badly. I know I NEED to. It's confusing. I hate this.

I think that's the whole point of recovery, it's the toughest damn battle I've ever fought and..what? I just gave up? What happened to me. Why am I here again. Why do I do this to myself. I have so much potential. I can do great things.

I feel like im hitting rock bottom all over again and I don't want to be there. I had a good thing going for me. I have people who love me, they love me a lot. I'm not just doing this to myself, I'm doing this to them too.

I have fans who love my work and I haven't given them shit for MONTHS all because of this stupid shit. I can't do anything, I have no motivation, I'm too tired. I can't fucking do this. I can't fucking do this. I can't fucking do this. I can't fucking do this.

I may not be recovering again just yet but I think the first step forward is for me to delete this blog. I need to fight myself. I need to stop myself from doing this again.

I feel disgusting and I hate looking at myself but...

I can't do this again. I CAN'T lose myself again. I don't want to be that shallow, angry, scared husk of a human again. I am heading right back down that path quicker than I ever thought I could.

This illness is terrifying. It's terrifying how easily it makes it seem like nothing else matters other than losing weight.

There's so much more to my life than that. I've seen it. I MADE it happen. I put in so much work and I'm throwing it all away for nothing.

I don't even know how I'm supposed to get out of this.

But

I'm going to try

[maskedrealities]

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Basics

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・❥・ Name: Lilith

・❥・ Age: 21

・❥・ Pronouns: She/They/He

・❥・ Gender: Gender-fluid

・❥・ Orientation: Demiromantic, Demisexual, Omni, Mono

・❥・ Extra: I’m American, Japanese, and Korean and currently reconnecting to Japanese heritage before connecting to Korean.

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Get To Know Me

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・❥・ I am someone who identities as non-human due to past trauma and cannot easily identify with human experiences. I associate more with demon/devil, puppet/doll, vampire, and angel. These labels help me have a better understanding of myself and allow me to love myself more.

・❥・ I actively enjoy reading, writing, photography, gaming, and making art. My favorite games include Halo, Assassin’s Creed franchise (particularly fond of the first, Mirage, and Valhalla), Jedi: Fallen Order/Jedi: Survivor, Stardew Valley, Minecraft, and otome games (major fan of Shall We Date games).

・❥・ I write more poetry but I’m getting into fledging more into books. I actively despise AI “art” as it takes away from the process it takes to learn and shape your own designs while writing. It also isn’t art, it is something that has used works of incredible people and takes away from the artist.

・❥・ I am an active fan of Hozier, STARSET, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, Set It Off, Sleep Token, Citizen Soldier, 8 Graves, Fall Out Boy, Hollywood Undead, and many more.

・❥・ I deal with a lot of things regarding obsessive thoughts and behaviors relating to my disorders. I do consider myself to be a yandere as it gives more details into how my disorders affect me and I support other people that have reclaimed the term.

・❥・ I am an intersex individual and learning more about my community and learning to be more comfortable with myself.

・❥・ My religion is mainly surrounding Norse paganism. I do not claim the people that use the religion as a means of supporting any sort of bigotry. I do not support ANY type of bigotry here.

・❥・ I actively enjoy making friends and answering questions. Please feel free to talk to me!

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Blog Related:

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・❥・ The only tags I will post under will be regarding to the blog itself, such as #maskedrealities and #lilith speaks/#lilithrambles/#rambles of Lilith.

・❥・ My blog is where I get to be unapologetically me. I will not conform to what others want of me.

・❥・ I actively do not mind others needing a place to go either, you are more than welcome to send something via message or ask as a means of just talking to someone. Though I cannot say I’ll be quick to respond.

・❥・ Anon asks will always be a thing, but any hate will include me laughing in your face. If you’re going to waste my time and your time being negative, I can at least find some joy in how much you must hurt someone else because you aren’t able to appreciate yourself.

・❥・ I am not required to be nice.

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My DNI:

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・❥・ Homophobes, transphobes, racists, any and all types of bigotry.

・❥・ Pro contact, anti-recovery paraphilias (I.e pedophilia, zoophilia, etc.). If you are actively getting help or are no contact and pro-recovery, feel free to interact.

・❥・ Political things. I know the world is going to shit, but I can’t stand it.

・❥・ Anti goodfaith, anti mspec labels.

・❥・ Anti neopronouns/xenogenders.

・❥・ If you actively mock or hate furries, therians, otherkin, otherhearted, non-humans, etc.

・❥・ If you use any sort of regression as a means of supporting pedophilia.

・❥・ If you judge kinks/what someone likes.

・❥・ If you preach about “closed culture” and try and remove people from that culture away from it and need “proof.”

・❥・ Religious talk. (Any asks or DMs commenting about the Bible, or heavily talking about “finding Jesus” or “worshipping God”)

・❥・ Pro harassment people.

・❥・ TransIDs/radqueers

・❥・ If you actively make fun of, mock, or harass people for taking the term “yandere” back to express their experiences.

・❥・ If you believe in any type of [disorder] abuse. Such as narc abuse, bipolar abuse, borderline abuse. These types of “abuse” don’t exist. Stop turning disorders into horror tropes.

・❥・ Endogenic/any type of non-traumagenic “system” and their supporters. A CDD must have trauma behind it.

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Extra Notes

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・❥・ Thank you for your time and patience for reading through this! It means a lot to me that this was read or skimmed through.

・❥・ Things might be added, changed, or removed in the future. As of now, though, I welcome everyone that isn’t on my DNI to interact even without following!

・❥・ I hope you have a good day!

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Bye Bye!

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[caffeinatedopossum]

Ok never mind again I shouldn't relapse :( (I'm going insane)

God now I really don't want to relapse but I don't know if I can resist it

[plurapony]

Talking about @/dissociative_misinfo

So to provide some context, dissociative_misinfo has claimed I spread misinformation on my blog and has furthermore claimed they only post things that are genuinely harmful to r/systemscringe.

I'll start with the misinformation my blog exists as that, a blog on an online social platform. I talk about my lived experience with DID and other commborid disorders, but I never ever claim to be informational - as I am not. Every experience with DID is different and I am still in the very early stages of healing and am still trying to figure out things for myself. I would never ever claim that my content is informative because it is not.

Now diving into r/systemcringe and what he has posted of mine that is supposedly so "harmful"

The beginning of Fictive Fun Zone, a drawing in our sketchbook of fictional introjects drawing their sources.

This is simply inventory art, a fun activity for our fictives that doubles as a way to keep track of everyone. Our fictives do not believe they are their source (though I cannot speak for all such as Mabel and Clementine Rose I don't have any communication with)

A post about how I simply didn't like the term "alter" and was wondering if there was any alternative (I ended up finding internals which I love)

Using internal instead of alter is not anti-recovery as it is simply just a word used in the place of another word that means the same thing. It's called a synonym.

A post where I talked about being autistic and getting a tingle feeling when watching a show right before a new fictive showed up.

This post was mostly a joke. I do get "tingle" feelings sometimes right before fictives show up, but that feeling can also be attributed to an alter liking a character. This was a joke post and in no way implied that autistic people could split "just because they like a character" splits only happen during stressful and/or traumatic events.

In conclusion, I hate to see people online spreading things that just aren't true about me. And though I can react quite badly to being posted (as I do not like any sort of criticism or damage to my character) I'm secure enough in my knowledge of our system and everything we've been through that I know I am not faking.

Also for some reason he seems to think I'm a kid, I'm not I'm 21 just fyi.

Also I'm proud of my fiancee for dming you. She loves me a lot and will go out of her way to help me feel better when I'm upset because of dumb people online. She's always got my back and that's a beautiful thing. We're getting married in a few weeks.

[moosetracksdilemma]

This is really jumbled, but I need y’all’s thoughts. I’ve been really honest about the binging part of my ed with people lately, even though “recovery” has been with the opposite ed :’)

So I told my mom about my binge eating disorder (I’ve been binging since I was like seven ish) and how I hate the way I feel when I’m out of control. I binged a lot the past few days and had a meltdown in my car so I had to come clean. I guess I told her because cause she and my Dad have been noticing my weight loss and I want them to know I’m trying to be healthier. I’ve posted about how “recovery form binging” has been my excuse for noticeable weight loss, but I’m also not joking when I say that I AM recovering from it, even if its been unhealthily. For context, shes overweight but has struggled with diet culture and hormonal weight gain since I was a kid. Some doctor screwed up her guts during a surgery and her body just hasn’t been the same since. She just recently became an instructor at the gym and is an absolute UNIT when it comes to strength. So while she has been part of the reason for my restrictive disorder due to her trying new diets, I know she understands my fear of being like my Dad and brother by binging a lot. Mom ended up asking for my trigger foods and telling me that I can tell her when I’m binging so she can load up on safer foods.

I also realized that I’ve wanted to recover from binging for so long that by restricting like I have been, I felt a false sense of security. I hadn’t had a bad binge in weeks, but I also was way too controlling and cried over eating more than one meal a day. The lightness I’ve been feeling and the clean energy I feel on good days (my higher cal days with healthy foods) has felt like a dream. I want to recover from binging but I want to have the benefits of restricting. But prior to my recent binge fest I really felt motivated to seek recovery from both, so I don’t know what to do. I know realistically i will never be enough for myself when I lose the weight, so does it matter to try and recover from restricting too?

[relentlessly-tired]

Guys I'm deleting this app again.

I just binged and I hate myself so fucking much and I thought I'd feel better getting back on here and connecting with people experiencing the same shit but I dont. I just don't.

I'm so... Just so bad. Y'know can't do anything right in my own life and I can't even starve!!! I literally can't. I just eat anyway. Even tho the one thing I want. The one thing I need is to be skinny.

And I hate that!!! Why can't I be okay with who i am. Why isn't who I am okay. Why does everyone just forget about me. What's so bad about me. I try to be nice and kind and people say I am but I guess I am just fundamentally lacking as a human.

So yeah. Deleting this. Knowing me, I will probably be back soon enough lol, I can't ever escape this. Thanks everyone for just existing I feel less lonely a little. But sorry you all are suffering with this. I hope you find peace and recovery or whatever it is that you need.

I'm going to try distract myself more. I'm still as determined as ever to lose the weight, but I want to just throw myself into life first. Just think ab everything other than food, and maybe it'll work.

Fitness. School. Friends. I'll just live and maybe I'll lose the rest of the weight or maybe I'll find something else along the way and not feel the need to lose the weight. I doubt that tho, considering its been three years of actively disordered shit and probably about 10 years of mildly disordered actions w definitely disordered thoughts. I think my brain is just wrong.

At least I will not waste my time looking at fucking thinspo instead of studying. Bye (for now at least)

[tobeabatman]

if you are in BED recovery and are making being fat a part of your identity then sorry you’re gonna fail unless you change your mindset. same as anorexics and bulimics making superskinny their personality. you are just enabling yourself and giving yourself an out for the failure you are setting yourself up for. fat activism will not care when you die like how proana doesnt care when anorexics die as long as they have ways to continue their selfdestructive behavior while others with the same issues cheer them on.

TW: Eating disorder talk. Mainly BED, but anorexia and bulimia as well.

You don’t know anything about binge eating disorder, bulimia, or being fat then.

With anorexia, disorted body image is literally a part of their diagnostic criteria. This is not the case with BED, aka binge eating disorder.

BED has no weight or appearance based diagnostic criteria. You can be at any weight and have BED. BED’s diagnostic criteria also doesn’t include anything stating that people with BED want to get very fat, like seriously…

BED is not a condition opposite of anorexia where we are obsessed with putting on weight. BED is the most common eating disorder (about 50% of all ED cases), so if that was true, we’d most likely have multiple fear-mongering documentaries and news stories made out of us already, and everyone would know about BED (at the moment they don’t).

The fact that you’re even seperating BED and bulimia as if our ED’s were absolutely different, is stupid. Both us people with BED and people with bulimia experience binging. The difference is that people with bulimia purge.

And the fact that people with BED don’t purge doesn’t mean that people with bulimia want to be super skinny and people with BED want to be super fat… Many people with bulimia are fat and many people with BED are skinny, news flash. Purging doesn’t automatically make you skinny, and neither does binging automatically make you fat. Someone’s BED can turn into bulimia and vice versa.

Now, I wanna clear up why fat activism is actually good for my BED:

People with BED often feel like they lack control. This is what commonly drives binging, according to many mental health professionals. We are out of control with our eating, and our bodies.

The feeling of lack of control is amplified in a fatphobic society. A lot of models actually get BED, not anorexia, because they feel out of control with their bodies (which leads to binging).

Telling myself that it’s okay if I get fatter when binging, actually helps me with my binging. I don’t feel as much shame afterwards (disgust, depression or guilt after binging is a diagnostic criteria for BED), when I feel like my body changing doesn’t matter.

This means that I’m less likely to experience binging as soon as I would otherwise, if I did feel more shame. (And this is actually how BED commonly works: shame triggers more binges. I doubt that you knew that).

And my binges getting further in between and my shame lessening, means that I have a better chance of recovery.

I mean, what do you think my dietitian and psychologist would encourage me to do? Feel deep shame with my body after binging, so that I would recover from a guilt-based eating disorder?

I would encourage fat activism to people with anorexia as well. It’s harder to hate your body for its size, when you realize all the lies there are surrounding fat bodies. And being angry at fatphobia helps with feeling out of control.

Although I understand that recovery and mindset change doesn’t happen overnight. I still have internalized fatphobia, and I’m still in BED recovery. I get it.

Anyway, I feel like this person watched a little bit too much of My 600lb Life, realized that those participants most likely had BED, and then went off to make this whole weird twisted story in their head about how BED works…

Watch my XL-sized body die tonight✌️ /s.

Tl;dr:

BED is not anorexia but opposite. Bulimia is pretty close to BED. Fat people with BED feel shame about their bodies, which triggers more binging. Fat activism helps me reduce feelings of shame and guilt, which helps me prevent more binging. Stuff like My 600-lb Life does not give its viewers an accurate representation of how BED works, because the show is not even focused on BED. It’s reality TV: the whole purpose is to show some people in absurd light so that you can feel better about yourself (whether those people are hoarders or very fat people, etc.).

There is no weight-based criteria for BED: people with BED can be skinny. A lot of models experience BED instead of anorexia, because a lack of control in their bodies can lead to binging (without purging). I’m not going to die from BED because I’m a fat activist: BED isn’t even as deadly as anorexia.

[nozomi-kaizoku]

Hi!!!

Welcome to my Offical Tumblr!

This is where I will be posting all of my vent content (Mainly stuff regarding BPD and my thoughts on online drama), it's kind of like making a public diary lmao

I also reblog other people's vents that I relate to, so if you see me reblog your vent post, that's why :3 (if you need me to take it down, please let me know, and I will)

My spam account: @nozomi-spam

My posts on this account will contain or mention the following:

Suicide and suicidal ideation

Self harm

Any relevant drama that goes viral (ex: the YandereDev situation)

Negative perceptions of my relationships and myself

Sex, sexual topics and self sexualization

Ableism (including internalized ableism and stigma against my disorder)

Psych wards

Invalidation

Hopelessness for the future

The hardships that come with BPD (such as mood swings and dissociation)

Anxiety

Mentions of some problematic behavior I did back in 2021 (do not ask me about it btw, I'm not comfortable with going into detail and I might not remember everything)

Wanting to be in a relationship with older men (mainly with men in their 30's)

Attention-seeking behavior

Incel/Femcel stuff

Other things that might be potential triggering

If you are not comfortable with any of the above in any way, please DNI and do not come onto my page (see boundaries for other DNI criteria). I do not want my content to cause harm in any way.

Thank you.

Name: Nozomi Kaizoku, but I'm cool with Nozomi, Zomie/Zomi (doesn't matter the spelling), or just Luca(s) or Pheonix

I'm 18 (My birthday is 01/14)

Pronouns: He/she/they

Disabilities and mental conditions: autism (professionally diagnosed), ADHD (professionally diagnosed),BPD (professionally diagnosed, provisional)

Sexuality and Gender Identity: Pansexual, Aromantic, and Non-Binary (Masculine and androgynous terms for me are cool with me)

Always Welcome!! (unless you end up on the DNI list somehow)

Neurodivergent people of all kinds (especially autistic and ADHD folk)

Anyone of any mental illness

FNAF fans, canon and AU (especially Tony crynight fans)

Any race, gender, sexuality, religion, disability, etc. (this is a safe space)

Any fandom (outside of what is on the DNI)

Weird/cringe people of all kinds (furries, therians, alt fashion, etc.)

Problematic in recovery people (basically any content creators who are problematic and in the process of stopping their problematic behavior) (this s a pro-recovery page)

Just cool people in general!

Anyone 14 and over

Unless I made you an exception, DO NOT INTERACT (DNI) (you will be blocked)

anyone under 14 (I'd rather not expose anyone that's really young to any sort of content that's gonna mess them up for life. Trust me, I saw some shit I wasn't supposed to at a young age and it messed me up big time.)

Anyone who openly shares their political ideology (No hate against any of you, but I've seen way too many people get into fights over one's political viewpoint, and I'd rather not have that negativity on here. I'm considered a "leftist/democrat/liberal" incase anyone is curious, but I'm not gonna talk about it much on here)

Springtrap x Ballora shippers (most of y'all are toxic as fuck and I don't like it)

DNI (no exceptions) (you will be blocked)

Anyone who fits into these categories: Ableism (especially against neurodivergent people and anyone with "evil" mental illnesses, such as NPD or BPD), Racism, Sexism/misogyny, Homophobia/ transphobia, Antisemitism, Pro-genocide of any kind, Nazis and Neo-Nazis, pro-"life", or any sort of discrimination that I haven't listed here.

People who justify literal bullying as "criticism" (seriously, it never helps, there's a difference between actual criticism that can help someone and bullying)

Tony Crynight Anti's (this is a Tony Crynight fanpage, and as such, any hate against him will be deleted and blocked)

Personality disorder Abuse believers (eg: Narcissist abuse believers)

People who make mental illness look like a quirky trend (Eg: saying "bpd = beautiful princess disorder", "I'm so OCD" etc.) (mental illness isn't fun at all, coming from experience) (ONLY APPLIES TO NEUROTYPICALS, SOME PEOPLE WITH THE DISORDER USE THESE JOKES AS A COPING MECHANISM)

Fashion Jirais (due to harassment and spreading harmful misconceptions about mental health and the Jirai community)

Anti-recovery (especially when it comes down to mental illness)

Cancel culture participants (most of yall are anti-recovery and pro-bullying.)

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Feel free to reblog my posts if you find it relatable, but please be respectful about any criticism you have, otherwise you will be blocked.

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That's all folks! /ref

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

So a few months ago, I heard about proana, and decided to give myself combo ana/mia, just because I really hated myself and felt like I deserve to suffer. And I think I basically developed it- I got to the point where I would purge daily and restrict like a crazy. But then, a couple weeks ago, I got into recovery after a family member convinced me to, but now recovery just feels... Too easy? Like, the moment I convinced myself to give up the psychological addiction to control, not forcing myself to starve and purge, both uncomfortable things that were hard to get myself to do in the first place, just feels... Way too intuitive, and it makes me feel really guilty. And I feel like because I only had an ed for a couple months, and because stopping was easy, there's a voice in my head telling me to go back to the disordered behaviors until it gets bad enough for me to deserve to get better. Can you please tell me what to do now?

Hi, anon! You sound like you're feeling really scared, and I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I hope I'm able to offer you at least a little bit of help. It sounds like your condition deteriorated really rapidly, to the point that you were likely struggling with some stuff for a long time before you decided to pursue anorexic and bulimic behavior.

It's okay to feel scared. I have so many people send me asks doubting themselves, having imposter syndrome, feeling like they weren't "sick enough." (Funny thing, wanting to be sicker is actually a hallmark of this type of eating disorder. So are compulsions to go back and get "sick enough." So if you need to feel validated that you had a "real disorder"...yes, it sounds like you have it, and it is making you suffer.)

I want to touch on your idea that you deserved to suffer, which drove you to pursue an eating disorder in the first place, because you knew it would make you sick. I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself, anon. That's really tough. And it sounds like, even though you're not currently pursuing ED behavior, you still have this deep-seated belief that you deserve to suffer, or that you need to suffer more to deserve help. I think your next step should be to examine that in therapy. It sounds like that's a big underlying cause of your eating disorder. You can quit pursuing ED behaviors, but you're going to be at risk as long as the underlying causes go unaddressed. And it is a process. It's going to take some time. That's okay.

But you don't have to get worse to deserve to get better. In fact, a lot of people who did "let it get worse" might be wishing they hadn't, feeling the long-term effects etc. If you're struggling to address this, your recovery definitely is not "too easy." You don't have to get worse for your struggle to be valid. You don't need to have physical evidence of sickness in order to prove you were wrestling with some personal demons. It's okay to acknowledge that to yourself without having to hurt yourself more to generate "proof." At any time in the ED process you can choose to turn it around and believe you are deserving of better. I hope you are truly able to find that belief for yourself, anon.

When you're really feeling the urge to relapse, you can remind yourself that having this struggle now is a sign that you were in fact truly ill, that you don't have to reinforce the belief of deserving to be sicker. And you can choose to do an activity that will calm you and take you out of the self-destructive thought pattern. And you can pursue therapeutic supports because healing is a lengthy process. And that's okay.

[mewwon]

PERSONAL RANT.

(read more) okay its rly sad but im back in what the kids (people at my buddhist recovery group) call active addiction ): i am drinking a lot again after breaking my year+ sobriety (from alcohol). it hasnt quite reached the level of needing to quit my job (yet) which would be rly bad for multiple reasons. but im relatively functioning atm but it's a very slippery slope and i have many things to say on that but . idk. shit fucking sucks and i just got out of a relationship where i fell way too hard and im trying to pick myself back up one piece at a time and it's rough. especially getting back into recovery once you have just had 400+ days sober its like.. everytime i try to restart its like well its only been a week i've done that before easy so it doesn't rly matter than much if i relapse again bcuz a week is nothing i can do that again later since i just did it for over a year. and after i had got my life together and was sober and doing all the right things (exercise and walking and meditation and meeting people and applying myself) it still just seemed like it wasn't enough like i still had all my mental illness problems, and my ex still treated me like shit and took me for granted and i feels like i scared him away with all my inherent neurosis. so im maladaptively reasoning that all that work to get sober and go back to school and get straight A's and work on myself and all of it just wasn't enough to have the love of my life love me for who i am and just be there for me . the feeling that i did my best and it just wasn't good enough so whats the point of trying (borderline personality disorder). self hate go STOPP like fr stop. anyways good night lovelies