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twinliches · 4 months ago
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cannot stop thinking about the french man who during dinner responded to a person asking "should we be naughty and get desert" by pulling a face and going "naughty? it is chocolate, it is not an, uh, threesome"
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fanaticalthings · 5 months ago
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Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer
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wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?
Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)
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Bonus:
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Happy birthday, Tim 🥰
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bruciemilf · 3 months ago
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Bruce: I know it’s hard, but you must remain forgiving and merciful, Jason.
Tim, who had to watch Bruce skin a man alive like a piece of salmon with a batarang for saying something rude about his then deceased son, throw him in the back of the Batmobile, and drive him to the hospital just to beat him up again:
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yourownbank · 1 month ago
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Who wants to be a protected homeowner???
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sprinkleofquirk · 1 month ago
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Tim, on his 13th attempt to sneak out of the mansion to go on patrol with the flu and walking pneumonia: I didn’t “lose” my spleen. To lose something is to imply you don’t know where it is, and I know exactly where my spleen is; it just isn’t in my body-
Alfred, tired™ and armed with a tranquilizer: Even so, Master Drake, I must insist you get back into bed.
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batfam-stuff-posts-0 · 2 months ago
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The batfam playing 2 truths and a lie
Tim: I stalked Batman for years, my eyes are green, and Ra's al Ghul has my spleen in a jar somewhere.
The rest of the batfam:
Dick: ...your eyes are blue.
Damian, muttering to himself: so that was Drake's spleen. Interesting.
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yesthechaos · 9 months ago
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propussyslayer · 5 months ago
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aizawa watching izuku enter the staffroom as his coworker
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tiger-grace · 3 months ago
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Jason: I have a bone to pick with you
Bruce, just happy to talk to his estranged son: sure, what’s going on?
Jason, pulling out an entire femur: I stole this evidence from a crime scene. I need help with a case
Duke: hey B I have a bone to pick with you really quick
Bruce, on the verge of tears: please don’t.
Duke: I? just have a question?
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midnight-coffee94 · 1 year ago
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No single line has ever wrecked me as hard as this one from the Good Place and I think about it constantly
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spacespacespace · 3 months ago
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Dick: so if it’s you or the laptop-
Tim: me. 100%.
Dick: …your not even gonna pretend to think?
Tim: about what? I can always just rise from the dead but my laptop-
Dick: what?
Tim: what?
Dick: what made u think you can rise from the dead?
Tim: well Jason did it so it’s obviously not difficult
——
Jason, in his safe house reading a book: I feel a chill or disrespectful in the air.
——
Dick: alr can you at least lie abt it
Tim: ughhhh
Dick: for me *flutters eyelashes*
Tim: Fine. *says in monotone voice* If it were either me or my laptop to be destroyed I would choose … the laptop.
Dick: thank you Timmy
Damian, walking past: Richard even you know that’s an outright lie.
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canonkiller · 1 year ago
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but you can't keep holding on like this.
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sometimes i think about how funny it would be if bruce had a slight english accent as a result of alfred being the only adult in his life for most of his formative years. that or he just says british slang instead of english.
this either drives his children insane, or they think it’s the most hilarious thing ever.
__________________________
Bruce: Can you pass the chips?
Dick: Sure, B. *passes over the potato chips*
Bruce: No, the chips.
Dick: ???? … yeah? here?
Bruce: NO! THE CHIPS! *gesturing wildly for the french fries*
Damian: Father, are you having a stroke?
———
Batman: Alright, this mission is very important. It is imperative that everything goes to schedule. (shh-edule)
*red robin and red hood snicker*
Batman: *glare* As I was saying, it all must go to shh-edule…
RR & RH : *uproariously laughter *
Batman: *harsher glare* Is something funny?
RR: Oh nothing, B, don’t worry.
RH: Absolutely nothing wrong, “left-tenant”
RR & RH: *dying of laughter *
———
Bruce: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??
Duke: … You sound like Alfred…
Bruce: *horrified look over coming him* … what
Cass: *furious nodding*
*Some time later, after B has been fished out of Gotham Harbor, which he jumped into after declaring that he “couldn’t turn into his father”*
Alfred: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??
Bruce: *white as a sheet* … Sorry Alfie…
*Steph is heard furiously cackling in the background*
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anyways i just thought this was fun
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everwalldigan · 5 months ago
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Bruce: *waking up in a hospital that he drove himself to after having a heart attack and telling absolutely nobody* hey…
The entirety of the batclan looking over him with Dick in the centre, an absolute terrifying grin on his face:
Dick: hello Bruce, nice evening isn’t it? Got something to share with us?
Edit: the fic is now out on ao3! https://archiveofourown.org/works/57780508
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milesofstars · 7 months ago
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dont worry about it jason...
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batfam-stuff-posts-0 · 2 months ago
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Tim: You don't want Dick to die
Tim: And I don't want Dick to die
Tim: So now we gotta make sure Dick doesn't want Dick to die.
Jason: Fantastic plan but have you fucking met Dick
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