#depressing rant

[forsakendevil]

It’s okay

NO ITS NOT. HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO ME? I WANT TO DIE. I TRIED EVERY WEEK TO KMS. I’M IN PAIN ALL THE TIME. NONE OF THIS IS OK

[strawberry-plant]

Sometimes the sadness feels unbearable.It’s like a heavy weight pulling me down and I don’t have the energy to even try to stand up.

I need something to pull me out of this because I can’t do it myself.I always seems to need something or someone worth getting up for.I always look for something out of myself because I don’t feel like I’m worth the effort on my own.That’s why I buy things or put all my energy into other people,because I don’t see the point in trying just for me.

I found someone who is worth getting out of bed for,the problem is,I’m so far away from that person and that in itself,is depressing.If they were here.

Sometimes I wonder I’m even worth it anyway.Why would anyone want to be with a mess like me?How can you love a person who is just a shell of what they’re supposed to be?All I want is to get back to myself.A couple of months ago it felt like I was coming back to life,even my eyes looked different.They had this light in them that I hadn’t seen for years and I started actually smiling instead of fake smiling in photos.Now I’m back to being that dead,empty shell again.I don’t know what happened.

I feel so overwhelmed by everything,I just try to block everything out.I just want this to go away.I don’t want to give up.I don’t want to let everything slip away from me and to always be left regretting that I didn’t try hard enough to make everything that I dream about a reality.

Sometimes I feel like I should delete every single app on my phone or lock myself out of them with a password.I use my phone to distract myself from how miserable I am but the thing is,I think I need to be miserable.I think I need to look around and let reality hit me hard in the face.I think I need to sit on the floor and have a complete breakdown because I don’t know what to do.I think I need to consider suicide and write a letter explaining why I couldn’t handle life anymore and how everyone is better off with out me anyways,and then I need to get up off of the floor,find a lighter and burn that letter.Then I need to run a bath,wash the sadness off of my skin and out of my hair and find something to eat and drink and go to bed with the moon shining in through my window and I’ll look at it and know that I’m going to survive another night.I’ll make it until the sun comes up and I’ll try again.

I think that being constantly distracted by devices stops a lot of that necessary process.Sometimes you need to go insane to get yourself out of it.Bottling things up doesn’t work.It just makes you turn numb or resort to self harm.I can’t say that I don’t think of it every day because I do.It’s been almost 8 months now.The urges get worse until I eventually relapse,it happens every single time since I was 11.It doesn’t make me feel the way it used to though.I try to remember that.It’s like a drug that in the end,no amount is even enough so it’s never really worth the trouble and stress and pain that it causes.I saw something triggering in one of my accounts the other day that made me think of it more.I’m trying to get those thoughts out of my head.

I don’t want to be that person anymore anyways,but I do miss the version of me that would go through all the pain and come out of the other side of it and no one even knew what I had been through,not even my own parents.I wondered how that was even possible.I’d spent all night fighting with my mind and not one person ever looked at me and noticed that I wasn’t okay.I didn’t even have anybody to tell that I wasn’t because I knew that wouldn’t understand why I felt the way I did.They made me feel crazy every time I tried to explain so I just stopped even trying and told my notes or this app about it instead.

My point is,since around 2017,when I got a phone that wasn’t as slow as fuck,I turned to it as a distraction even more than I did in the past and I lost myself in it.Even when I deleted TikTok,I found this other app where I met my favourite human and I’ve filled up my time on there so I don’t have to think or feel and so I can pretend that my life is less of a mess than it actually is.When do I ever actually face reality?When do I ever stop hiding?Why am I doing the same thing right now?When the fuck am I going to learn my damn lesson?The real world is out there,not on a fucking screen.

The progress I’m making is so painfully slow.I need things to speed up.I need to become unrecognisable from the person I was this time last year.I don’t want to spend another year like this.I’d sooner admit myself into a mental hospital than carry on with this life any longer.

I don’t know what to do right now exactly.Have a nap and see if I feel better afterwards?Listen to songs on YouTube that remind me of the worst times of my life so I can have a full on mental breakdown and get it out of my system and move on?Go have a bath just so I can feel some warmth to forget how painfully alone I am?make some food because maybe not eating a proper meal all day isn’t helping with the mood swings?or maybe I should just lay here in the dark,switching from one app to the other,numbing and distracting myself until I fall asleep hungry,still needing to pee,still needing a shower,surrounded by mess that I should have sorted out and I’ll wake up at 2am feeling guilty and alone and I’ll get up and feed the cats and just wish I hadn’t have woken up at all.Yeah,that sounds about right.

[melxhunter]

I feel like there are a lot of people out there who needs to hear this:

If you dropped out of school because of diagnosed (or undiagnosed) ADHD, Autism, ADD, OCD, Dyslexia, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar disorder, psychotic disorders, schizophrenia etc… You did not fail. The education system failed you.

[milyanoo]

Th1nsp0

[bpdeeperdaddy]

I feel like an outsider in every room I enter

[skinnynerddd]

binging: 😄😁

my thighs are touching again: 🤬🤯😳😣

[royallaufeyson]

are we all just fucking tired of our cr's

[lostmf]

[xvelvetcoffinx]

You see, if everyone around you tells you you're the problem. You eventually internalize it. I wish I never existed, maybe then people around me wouldn't be so miserable. They'd be happy. And that's all I want.

[userwantstodie]

How it feels to be the only fat person in my family

This is my absolute favorite photo

[plsd0ntm4k3m3r3c0v3r]

crying while looking at pictures of me when i was sk1nny and thought i looked like a whale

now i actually look like a whale and am using my old self as th1nsp0

[bl00dfroma-fairy]

[amysubmits]

Please don't let tumblr or any other BDSM or D/s community convince you that subs don't have a ton of emotional needs. As many needs as any other person. Sexual needs included. Subs aren't house plants or pet fish. It is an extremely valid thing for a sub to be in need of an orgasm, or of sexual attention that is focused on them rather than their partner, emotional affection, gentleness, to feel like a priority, the list is basically endless.

[iwanttobetinyx]

The feeling of water entering your empty stomach >>>

[cvtmyhearttopieces]

the feeling of getting worse is so comforting

[skinnynerddd]

i’m starting to think the seasonal depression isn’t just seasonal