#poetic musings

[umabokil]

There is a rotten feeling of melancholy and loneliness on some nights which you can’t quite explain. You suddenly want to be buried—whether under the ground, under a comforter, or in a hug that’s here to stay, you don’t yet know—but you suddenly feel like mould and dust and the colour of a funeral on a dull day; you suddenly want to sit in the middle of a puddle of gloom and stare off at the white wall till daybreak peeks through the window crack. You want away; you want the ocean bed; you want stillness; you want nothingness. Because you feel like nothingness.

[blushingxpilgrims]

i could tell you now

or bite my tongue

until it bleeds

and hide you in between

the lines of my poetry

—i could tell you, 2024

[autumnsunshine10]

Don't call me angel of the morning

Or baby in the night

Don't call me only lonely

In fact, don't call me at all

I've run out of battery

Out of service, out of time

For wasted wasters and chubby chasers

Double decker rubberneckers

Slowing down to openly gape

Flat on my face, gravelly scrapes

In places I didn't know could break

So if you ever cared then I'll accept

All charges just to hear

A convincing tint in your voice

Saying you're not going anywhere

This time for sure for real

[the-quiet-girl-thats-invisible]

A quiet girl that's invisible.

Even you wouldn't notice me, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'm a wallflower. Someone so average on the outside you wouldn't give me a second glance, let alone a single thought.

I'm the youngest of 5, and I was deemed too annoying by my older siblings to play with. So I learned to create my own worlds to play in. I lost myself in the pages of books. By imagining myself within those pages, I could pretend I didn't feel alone. As I got older, my adventure books turned to fairytales and grand romances. To be someone's soulmate. To be swept off my feet and rescued from my life. But with one sibling chronically ill, and my efforts for attention often unmet, I gave up trying to be noticed, and I started to fade from view.

Growing up, I moved frequently. Going to school after school. There was always that initial giddiness on the first day. The hope that maybe someone will notice me. That they'll actually see me. That they would understand my quietness and would choose me, and would become my friend. But I would be too eager, and I suppose my desire to fit in was too much. All the validation I sought seemed to explode out, and I was often labeled as a teachers pet, a brown noser. Just fancier words for what I already knew. I was too annoying and too much. That I should just be quiet. Be invisible. And as each school came and went. As I grew older and lonelier, the hope of being seen faded, and so did I.

I guess my hope to be chosen never quite faded. I still long for my own love story. To have a soul connection with someone and to finally feel seen. This, of course, has led me to be painfully heartbroken quite often. Yet, just as annoying as I may be, so too annoying is my hope. I sometimes wish the persistent thing to go away, and then maybe things wouldn't hurt as much. But deep down, I think my younger self keeps that flame lit. Because she knows she deserved to be loved way back then, and she knows she deserves to be loved now.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

Always in close proximity yet always so inaccessible.

As beautiful as a work of art and equally meant to be admired only from afar.

Adored and so deeply desired but never meant to be acquired.

— different ways to say ‘unrequited’

[env0]

The moon is so beautiful tonight. Draped in gossamer clouds that billow er so softly in the evening breeze. Oh, how I wish I knew you were looking up to share this beautiful moment with me. Beneath the same shared sky.

[trustonlystars]

Do you ever fall in love with sunshine a little more? It’s the same as having more time to yourself. When you know you can skip something to stay back in your zone, the kind of sweetness that cancelled plans bring where you sneak out of parties with loud music and louder people. Do you ever think back on who makes the best cup of coffee for you? I still don’t know how I like my coffee, but every time my dad brings me one, it feels perfect. Do you ever see grace in these moments? Do you ever see how pretty castles your mind makes and such an honour it is for you to walk down that aisle? Do you ever listen to music play and wish to be a song someone cannot forget? Do you ever let music make that kind of home in your heart? The same kind that we find in Church hallways in the softness of hymns. Do you ever want to sit back right where you are so life could just be and you could take another sip of coffee and watch sunshine walk through shadows?

- trustonlystars | Jannie F

[brahmaninandigam]

And when the bleeding stops, and the cuts get healed, the scars become a story of Bravery. Of how they've survived the cruelty of the Swords. 

So I decided. To pierce hearts with Words.  Wounds, invisible. Healing, Impossible!!

[soaringwide]

Soaringwide: a new chapter

At the time of writing this, March 21 2024, 7:03 AM, I wanted to take a moment to write down where I'm currently at on my journey.

This blog is not my first one, but I wanted to start fresh in order to allow myself a space to grow into something new.

I'm just 30, which may sound like a lot to some, but is really not that much in the grand scheme of things. Throughout the years, I've been through so much, good and bad, and I've seen so many iterations of myself. I am someone who regularly goes through deep changes, because I like to reinvent myself, and also because, I think, it's what life is all about for me. To always yearn for more, and to start with yourself. Because, really, your whole world can change drastically if you just change the way you see, feel, and think it.

Soaringwide came to be because I'm learning how to fly again, after collapsing so hard I though I would never be able to. I don't think I'm there quite yet, but I've made so much progress, I have to honor that.

The thing is, I'm not proud of much but if there's one thing I am proud of, it's my resilience. Yet I'm tired of it being put to the test. I long for peace and healing, for joyful moments, love and laughter shared freely. I don't want to continuously feel like the sky is going to metaphorically fall on my face.

The other thing is that I want to be able to express all facets of myself freely. Explore what it means and share it with others, because there is limited meaning and pleasure in keeping it for yourself only.

I think I have a lot to say, a lot to share, and perhaps it can even help others to some degree, but for so long I just kept it all in, never daring to take that step out of my comfortable and lonely bubble.

So yeah, here's to the start of a new chapter.

[deep-in]

stay strong through your pain grow flowers from it you have helped me grow flowers out of mine so bloom beautifully dangerously loudly bloom softly however you need just bloom

Rupi Kaur

[umabokil]

It took me a while to understand how subtly life-changing kisses are. How the feeling of their warm breath on your cheek just before it’s replaced by the warmth of their lips on your skin, jolting you in and out of reality, is a soft whisper; a call; a claim. How their lips seem to call you theirs with just the way they kiss your temple—gentle yet sure, like devotion—like worship—and how their lips can murmur against yours before they pour their love into you by pressing their lips to yours. How intimate. How vulnerable. How powerful. One single kiss can tell you a poem they wrote in their heart, too shy to form it in words, so you feel the “I love you”s and “You’re mine”s and the promised forevers. A kiss, even if for a second, has the power to make you surrender.

[blushingxpilgrims]

look at me

i’m so poetic

(it’s pathetic)

how often i write about you

—pathetic, 2023

[the-quiet-girl-thats-invisible]

It's interesting to go through my old notes and find my old writings. Bittersweet for the love notes and heart-wrenching for the goodbyes. And yet, somewhere in the midst of them, it's a nice reminder of where I was, where I am, and where I have yet to be. I think posting them helps me let those pieces go and maybe help someone else feel seen. Sorry in advance for some of the angst to follow. But it's me, and if I'm too much, go find less.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

You were the angel & I was forged from the flames of hell.

When I walked the world, I toppled kingdoms for a glance of your beautiful face.

[env0]

He wasn't bad looking, however he wasn't pretty handsome.. He wasn't particularly tall, but to call him short felt wrong. He wasn't smart, but dumb didn't suit him. His hair wasn't quite blond, however you wouldn't quote call it brown. He wasn't exceptionally exceptional, but he wasn't boring. The world reminded him of this plain fact in every way. Every day. A simple thing. For a simple man. Who couldn't quote be bothered to be any more or less than just what he was. But to say what he was was harder than to say what he wasn't. All this to say, he isn't a hero.

[trustonlystars]

I am a believer of past lives and heavens, the angels and guardians. I may have experienced life before, but even if all my hardships were something that I chose, I still am grateful to experience this once again. The way magic tingles my soul, the way emotions make a home in my heart is something so profound I will always be grateful to experience beginnings without knowing the end of it, even if in some life I know how it ends, even in some life I would have all the answers, I would still want to live this one in darkness.

-trustonlystars | Jannie F