#but there is so much guilt associated with every action i 'could' take that i just. dont take it?

[straykats]

actually while im exhausted im gonna rant 🤩

[hellaversity]

I see so many people say that Blitzø doesn't feel any guilt or remorse for robbing Verosika in the past, that he willingly goes out of his way to publicly humiliate her for no reason, and that he doesn't take any accountability for his past actions, and it baffles me to no end.

There are many bad HB takes that make me say "Are we watching the same show?" but this is the one i've been wanting to talk about lately.

Blitzø never denies or corrects what Verosika says about him. He says "Goddammit w**re, you will NOT let that go!" Implying that he DID do it. His bad trip in Truth Seekers shows her not only angry at him for pushing people away when they try to get close to him, but he doesn't retaliate. He doesn't even respond. He just has a look of regret on his face when she calls him out.

That broken heart on her cheek, which mind you, looks like a normal undamaged heart in reality, is an indication that Blitzø KNOWS he broke her heart. All he tries to do is run away from her instead of making excuses or trying to defend himself. Deep down, Blitzø DOES feel bad about hurting Verosika.

When she talks shit about him in Ozzie's, again, he doesn't even say anything. He looks guilty and ashamed of what he did to her.

And for the record, Verosika doesn't come off much better than Blitzø for not moving on and subjecting him to public humiliation at every chance she can get to the point of assaulting his employees just for being associated with him. Moxxie didn't deserve to be gangbanged against his will. He had nothing to do with Blitzø and Verosika's breakup.

She also didn't have to willingly steal their only parking space left and spray paint on their logo. It's not like she didn't know her ex was working there. She did that on purpose. Nobody forced her to summon a gaint sea monster on Earth. She did that on her own accord.

To people who say that Blitzø subjects Verosika to public humiliation just as much as she does to him, no, he really doesn't. In Spring Broken, he didn't even know that it was her who stole his only parking space available for him until she stepped out of her car. He was just mad that ANYONE would have the nerve to purposefully take his only place left to park his car. It's not like he yelled at her just for being there. He didn't even say anything to her in Ozzie's until she joined Fizz and Ozzie in on their roasting song. He was actively trying to avoid her and almost forgot she was even there up to that moment. The only time he publicly humilates her is when he gets her arrested on Earth, and even that was done out of revenge for sexually harassing Moxxie.

The only thing you could really count as Blitzø "not taking accountability" for stealing Verosika's car, spending her credit card on horse riding lessons and breaking her heart is that he hasn't really apologized for it yet. But just because he hasn't apologized, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's proud of hurting her or that he doesn't feel any remorse for it.

Verosika also needs to get over it already, because it's been YEARS since they broke up and not letting Blitzø forget about it isn't doing any good for her mental health. And no, it's not victim-blaming to say so. Brandon Rogers said that Verosika was just as responsible for their relationship ending on bad terms as Blitzø was and that she wasn't a flawless girlfriend any more than he was a flawless boyfriend. I haven't actually seen the source for this, but I can imagine that once it becomes undeniable evidence that Verosika wasn't a completely blameless saint and that Blitzø was also possibly hurt by her just like she was by him, her stans will NOT take it very well at all.

Also, if either of them isn't taking responsibility or being held accountable for their actions, it's Verosika. I haven't seen her bring up anything she might've did to Blitzø in the past (the only reason he doesn't is because he's clearly moved on and she hasn't) nor I have seen her feel any remorse for what she did to Moxxie. It's totally possible that the reason for that is because she knows that as a rich and famous musician, she'll get off scot free and her in-universe fans will take her side no matter what. Not because she "did nothing wrong".

I wonder how many people would absolve Verosika of her own actions if she were a man and Blitzø was a woman. Imagine a man who was still bitter at an ex-girlfriend for something shitty she did years ago back when they dated, sexually assaulted one of her employees just to upset her, and bragged about how passionate of a lover he was in bed while she "did no reciprocating" just to publicly humiliate her because he won't let go of the past even if she already has. Or, imagine an ugly poor woman doing the same instead of a beautiful celebrity with big boobs. I'm pretty sure only THEN would people realize that Verosika isn't exactly as innocent as people make her out to be....

This is the look of regret in Blitzø's bad trip that I mentioned earlier. You CAN'T tell me that he doesn't look guilty here.

[fairycosmos]

Hello

Long time follower. Big fan.

Umm i dont have any "real" friends and i feel like i have to vent about what happened to me with someone so plz bare with me.

Yesterday I was sexually assaulted. Outside my own apartment building by a man that is an "aquaintance" at most. I managed to get away by stepping on his foot and elbowing him in the stomach before it went any further. What sucks even more is that I live in a super conservative middle eastern country that has a society that loves to victim blame. I cant even go to the police cuz i have no proof and the sad thing is this the THIRD time in my life of 30 years where i get sexually assaulted. The first time was my cousin when I was 13 and the second time was someone who was a close friend when i was in my 20s. I feel pathetic and cowardly for not speaking up every time it happened. I know I cant tell my family cuz they are religious and all they care about is my "chastity" whatever the fuck that is and i honestly dont know what to do anymore.

Thank you for listening

🪽

hey angel,

i’m so sorry it took me a minute to see this, and honestly, i'm just fkn enraged that you're even in this position to begin with. none of this should’ve ever happened to you, and it’s so beyond messed up that you’ve had to go through it, and more than once, on top of everything else. first, i just want to say that i’m so, so grateful to you for opening up about it, especially when you’re feeling so isolated. it takes so much courage to even put this into words, and i’m honored that you trust me with it at all tbh. as much of an eye roll it is to hear, you’re truly not alone in this. and you’re definitely not “pathetic” or “cowardly” for how things played out or for not feeling like you could speak up before. the way you’re feeling is real, valid, and so understandable—especially when support and safety feel so distant.

it’s beyond unfair to be in a place where victim-blaming is such a huge part of the culture. to have to carry that, while being made to feel like you have to hide this, is an awful weight. but please know, this is not on you—none of it. the guilt and shame that the world tries to put on you is not yours, even if sometimes that feels impossible to believe. grounding yourself in the truth—that you haven’t done anything wrong, no matter how often you have to remind yourself—can be a solid step. and if you believe that for other people who've been in your shoes, then you must believe it for yourself too. ultimately, the shame belongs to the people who assaulted you and a world that hasn’t supported you the way you deserve. please don’t let their actions shape how you see yourself. your survival, your resilience, your courage etc that’s who you are.

there are a few places that might be able to give you some support, even if it’s from a distance. rainn.org offers confidential chat options and resources, and while it’s u.s.-based, it could still be useful if you need a safe space to talk. another is pandora’s project, a support and forum site specifically for survivors. they have spaces where people from all backgrounds, including those with similar cultural challenges, can connect. <3

if you’re open to it, a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma and works online might be a good option, too. there are so many who understand the importance of privacy and safety in environments where speaking out can be challenging. the International Association for Trauma Professionals has a directory that could help you find someone who’d really get where you’re coming from and respect those unique challenges.

just remember, it’s okay to take this one step at a time. if all you can do today is share this with someone who cares, or offer yourself some compassion and grace to cry and breathe and be pissed and hurt and numb and upset, then that’s more than enough. i believe in your right to feel safe, supported, and heard, and there are people who genuinely want to help you get there, however and whenever you need.

sending you so much love and strength <3 if you need to vent or if you just need someone to talk to, please msg me any time. i understand what it's like to have your boundaries violated too and i know how lonely and painful it is to contend with it in your own head. x

[rambyol]

Analysis: The Blood🩸& Lipstick 💄 💋

Let’s look at the symbolism, subtext, and suggestions behind Bruce’s blood stained shirt and John’s ‘borrowed’ lipstick from Harley.

1) 🩸 Blood on Bruce 🩸

Symbolism

John and Bruce’s much anticipated confrontation in the Bonus Brothers Carnival ends with a pivotal question, which is, does Bruce trust John? John who is covered in blood, surrounding by bodies, and acting erratically. If you pick ‘Yes’, John embraces Bruce which leaves the vigilante with a bloodied shirt.

Many people have picked up on how Telltale utilises visual storytelling to indicate the shift in the narrative here, and more so the shift in Bruce’s character. Bruce has ‘blood on his hands’ both literally and figuratively— now this symbolism alone depends on how you interpret John’s character as a whole in addition to what you think actually took place off screen between John and the Agents.

But aside from the idea that the bloodied shirt symbolises how Bruce is now complicit with John’s crimes (‘murder���) I thought about how it also plays into the ‘same stitch’ mantra which John says throughout the narrative.

Blood holds a lot of meaning; It can symbolise tight connections between people, for example when we refer to terms like 'blood pact/blood oath' as gestures of trust, loyalty, and commitment. These associations are very intimate and how they link to John's mantra is through the very forced nature in which the blood is transferred onto Bruce. John pulls Bruce in for a hug, taking him by surprise, as is evident by Bruce's stiff posture. And that's important because from the very minute we meet John, we see how he ‘pushes’ idea's onto Bruce, or subtly forces him to make tough decision. (relative to how you play Bruce, in this case, I mean when you play Bruce as a 'good' guy).

Let's look at Lucius's funeral; John tries to pressure Bruce into meeting his 'friends' by either guilting him into it, “Please, I’ve got a lot riding on this.” or incentivising Bruce to do so via the reveal that John has links to Riddler, “I’ve got this enemy. Calls himself, the Riddler”.

In a way, the blood on Bruce's shirt is also an attempt to reaffirm John's belief that they are “two threads in the same stitch”.

Theories - Was it an accident or was it intentional?

I've thought about how John may have deliberately hugged Bruce so that the blood on him would imply that he was also involved with 'killing' the agents, and you could see it that way when rewatching the scene. Especially with the above image (left) where we get that shot of John's face. That expression occurs directly after he apologises for getting blood on Bruce.

John's expression doesn't look apologetic and we know how he looks when he genuinely regrets an action, or is in a tough position.

So his face looks otherwise neutral to me. Or at least the shot seems to linger just slightly. To top it off, there's no response from Bruce because John quickly reminds Bruce that they need to catch Harley, which is interesting because every other option during the Hug scene seems to take its time, and there's no sense of urgency from John like there is in that moment.

So maybe it was intentional.

However, since it's never brought up by Waller, or has any real consequences to the plot, I just consider it a fun theory. Mainly because I think it could've also been a genuine moment - John looks visibly surprised when Bruce says, "I believe you" and it seems like a knee jerk response from him especially considering how often the game makes you doubt John by making so much of his words and actions look ominous. (Although that could all still very well be true, that he isn't always to be trusted) For the sake of Bruce and John's dynamic, I like to believe it was a genuine moment of tenderness between them, especially if you choose the option where Bruce apologises for doubting John during their hug.

2) 💄 Shared lipstick 💄

When John goes down the Villain path, the events on the bridge is where his transformation occurs, hence the lipstick he gets from kissing Harley.

It even foreshadows Joker’s look. [refer to this.]

Now, one interpretation I had of this scene was that John and Harley were finally on the same page because throughout their time together there was always this uncertainty surrounding their relationship, John himself questions whether his relationship with Harley is contingent upon whether or not she succeeds to get the virus.

In another sense, this could also be seen as the moment John steps away from Harley’s influence. John is the one who initiates the kiss with Harley here, and in contrast to when they make out during episode 5 at the dinner party, Joker doesn’t have residual lipstick from Harley there, so I like to think that he was more forceful on the bridge with her to intentionally get lipstick on him.

Since he’s been second to Harley and her plans so far in the narrative, I like to view the kiss/lipstick as an act of independence - a sort of taking - from Harley, and reclaiming a sense of identity for John.

[harrowharkwife]

ill go with sex pal :P but if that's already done, gideon :)

HIIIIII!!!!!!! hi friend!!!!!

favorite thing about them: PALAMEDESSSSSS my boy palamedes. my little guy. man, okay, what do i love about him. i love the way he loves. i am fascinated by his clumsy and imperfect and well-meaning but inherently flawed attempts/approaches to things like agency and ethics and fairness and respect. i love that he pays attention to everything. i love his drive. i love his gambling streak, his tendency to play the odds. i love that he's a boy who writes love letters™. i love how open he is about his affections and his feelings. i love his penchant for using terms of endearment. his love for teaching. his willingness to get up on a soapbox for things he believes in, even if he winds up stumbling sidelong into insufferable preachy condescension half the time. i love that he tries. i love that he sometimes fucks up and hurts the people around him. i love his boldness. i love his sweetness. i love his kindness. that boy could make friends with a brick wall if you gave him enough time. i love that he canonically writes weird erotica to cope. i love his taste in women. i love his gender. i just love him

least favorite thing about them: i mean, i could go on forever. he's deeply annoying sometimes, and as much as it's part of his charm, it also makes me want to thwap him upside the head from time to time, like. boy. shut UP!!! but the real answer is honestly his position as sixth house scion. master warden is an unspeakably rancid title in vibes alone and i sincerely hope we dig into the backstory behind that a little more in AtN. i find it fascinating, and troubling, and tragic, and frustrating, all the ways in which he talks the talk re: cavaliers and agency and free will, but when the rubber meets the road, do his actions really back that up? arguably, not always. and the guilt and complicity and codependent toxicity there re: camilla, is like catnip to me. he loves her, he respects her, she's his best friend, he's in awe of her and her abilities and her strength. and yet, time and time again, he puts her through harrowing things and thanks her each time she shoulders his burdens. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, it makes me so sad, it's a snake eating its own tail, it is a mobius strip of toxic power imbalance codependent enmeshment and it is FASCINATING to think about. if i keep going we'll be here all night, but just. i think fandom has a tendency to write him as The Good Person™ (him and Camilla both) and, like, i love him as much as the next girl, but he's a head of state in an empire, with all the implications that brings with it.

favorite line: "how god takes, and takes, and takes." "fool us twice, shame on god." "thank god for that mad, stubborn, lovely girl." "it's not you, it's me wearing you." (moira quirk's inflection on that line is literally fucking haunting, btw.) "do you know, i miss harrowhark terribly." "and, most personally, this is for dulcinea septimus." god. i just love him

brOTP: harrow, and also gideon.

OTP: im shy <3

nOTP: im struggling to think of a pal pairing that i Couldn't find compelling or at least interesting, if written the right way, in the right light. he's just my interesting little guy. he's a barbie and im making him scissor all the other barbies. who said that

random headcanon: glasses chain. earrings. palamedes can have she/her pronouns, every now and then, as a treat. contrary to the initial assumption of everyone he's ever met, he's actually Not autistic. (cam is; he's just got wicked bad adhd.) jewamedes is also fun

unpopular opinion: i mean i guess just what i said up top re: people sometimes acting like he's never done anything wrong in his life? i love him but i love him Because he is an interesting and deeply morally gray (ha) character.

song i associate with them: what you can't look up by walk the moon, tiny moves by bleachers, to someone from a warm climate by hozier, chateau lobby #4 in c for two virgins by father john misty, shiver shiver by walk the moon, star by mitski, hopedrunk everasking by caroline polachek, GAMBLER'S PRAYER BY CAROLINE POLACHEK my ultimate palamedes song

favorite picture of them: ive tattooed every single piece of palamedes art ive ever seen on the inside of my eyelids. except white palamedes fanart which is always such a jumpscare

[kuruna]

omg what a fun ask game… for xan!!! my friend xan…. 💥🍧💐🍁✏️🌠. sorry for so many i just like him 😭

Heehee I'm happy to talk about him ^.^ I'm glad you like him so much...! :~)

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

I've mentioned before that Xan struggles with feelings of guilt and insecurity... unfortunately for him, these emotions get twisted together and shape into anger! Unlike his brother who turns his anger into actions, Xan's anger tends to stop him in his tracks. He overthinks things and reacts a bit immaturely, and his own immaturity just makes him feel even worse 😔 unfortunately he tends to take the mental leap from "I am experiencing an irrational emotion" to "therefore I must be a bad person" and it makes it difficult for him to process these emotions properly.

🍧 SHAVED ICE - do they still have any objects from their childhood? what significance does it have to them? what would their reaction be if they lost it?

Not "from his childhood" in the traditional sense, but the jewelry he wears used to belong to his mother, and she'd worn it for as long as he can remember. As you can imagine he has a pretty significant attachment to his jewelry due to this, and keeps it in pretty good shape despite being very, very aged at this point in time. If he lost even a single piece he'd be inconsolable 💔

💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?

I've actually thought of this kinda thing recently ^.^ using the flower meanings listed here. For a bouquet: - Scabiosa (unfortunate attachments) - Hyacinth (purple) (Forgiveness and sorrow) - Star of Bethlehem (Hope and reconciliation) - Magnolia (Nobility) A flower that I associate with him but I wouldn't put in the bouquet is spiderlily, due to its association with both death and clinginess. As for his favourites I could see him liking snapdragons quite a bit...!

🍁 MAPLE LEAF - what is their favourite season? why?

I think he's rather fond of Autumn! I think he enjoys watching the world around him change, and how it's a bit different every time despite how long he's lived and how many times he's seen it. I also think he appreciates that it isn't Hot anymore, but also isn't too cold yet either (he has a naturally low body temperature so winter is NOT for him)

✏️ PENCIL - is there a particular quote / lyric that you associate with them?

"Inhuman one, your strength will destroy you" from Caroline Alexander's translation of The Iliad !

🌠 SHOOTING STAR - if they could make any wish with no repercussions, what wish would they make?

This is a hard one... I can see him wishing for different things at different points in times. At some point he might've wished to become king, though he would also feel frustrated that it didn't happen based on his own merits alone. At another point he would've probably wished for an end to his immortality / deathlessness. Nowadays... I think he would refuse such an offer! I think that he is determined to build a future for himself with his own two hands.

[ruthlesslistener]

I know suicide is the most likely option but I'm a big fan of the idea that PK died via void poisoning. Like I know he was probably smart enough to not let it hurt him in canon but god I find it so funny. Kinda links back to how IRL people desperate to create weapons via radioactive materials often died instead.

AHH I don't know, people characterise pk as a coward (he is) and I worry that people are going with the suicide route because they view it as the cowardly way out. I know people don't intend it that way and I don't intend to accuse anyone of doing so, suicide is just a sore spot for me so it's just a case of personal taste.

I also enjoy interpretations of the shades coming to drag him out of the world of the living. Kinda reminds of a story I read when I was little about a man being pecked to death by a swarm of crows. Get fucked by the consequences old man.

Anyways you know more about PK than I do, to what extent do you believe he practiced lab safety?

I mean, I can certainly see PK being poisoned by the void, but the main reason why I don't think it killed him is because a.) The area around his throne is completely devoid of void, b.) The void close to the throne room is from fallen kingsmoulds, which is inert after they lose shape, c.) The White Palace requires an awoken Dreamnail to enter it to access his hiding place, which we know no other vessels have access to before Ghost, and d.) The Void Sea was unawakened before Ghost entered, and so could not act for itself. There's just no canonical way that PK could have been killed by the void apart from poisoning built-up from exposure, but we see no evidence of that either.

That isn't to say that I'm not fond of the idea of him being void poisoned, however! It's something that I love to play with in my fics, and that I utilize heavily in Until Dawn Shall Break. I think that he took all the precautions necessary when working with void, but since void is an aspect heavily associated with the manifestation of regret, it ended up building up within him despite all his precautions. He was poisoned by his own actions and his own pain building up within him without acknowledging it, and it tainted him and affected every other aspect of his life, even if he didn't intend it (i hc that hornet has a black carapace bc the void affected his genetics, like radiation poisoning). It won't kill him, he's too strong for that, but it sickens him and leaves its taint on others around him

I also never consider suicide to be cowardly, jsyk! I call PK a coward for not facing the Radiance directly, but PK is a creature of logic first and foremost, so it's very likely that he genuinely was incapable of fighting the Radiance without using the void. The reason why I hc him to have committed suicide was because the sheer amount of guilt and pain he felt at the vessel plan being all for naught + losing Hallownest would have been absolutely devestating to him, and that paired with the hc I have of him placing all self-worth into his use as the King of Hallownest means that suicide would have been a form of 'justice' in his eyes- he failed, his worth became moot, he did unmentionable things that he would execute any other being for, and so he ceased to be. It also prevented the Radiance from taking his life in battle and mutilating his corpse, too, so it was a sort of final 'fuck you' to her. Can't win the game if you haven't captured the king.

But yeah overall I see PK's suicide as another aspect of the tragedy of the story- he loved so much, but he thought in extremes, with black-and-white thinking that had rigid rules that could not bend, only break. He loved so much that it killed him, and it killed all his loved ones as well.

[corazondefae]

9-18-24: Processing

I got vaxxed twice today! Woo!

It was my first time ever getting the flu vaccine and I got the new COVID vaccine as well! I'm both hoping I have side effects so I can call out tomorrow and hoping I don't so I don't have to call out tomorrow because I need money...

I had therapy earlier today and it really got me thinking about how much my mental health truly affects my every day life.

My nervous system is trying to heal itself. I'm no longer in an environment where I have to be on edge 24/7. I'm not going into details but a year ago I experienced something very traumatic. I witnessed violence within my family and I had to keep it together as there were young kids in the house at the time.

This experience truly shattered my world. Even now, I don't know how I got through it and I'm still processing everything that happened. I took two days off of work and then went back. Sure, I was depressed and everybody could see, but I was working to distract myself from my terrible home life. Now that I've moved out with my husband I'm learning how to live instead of survive.

I'm in the process of getting an official PTSD diagnosis, which is wild to say. I always felt like I never went through "enough trauma" (whatever that means) in order to officially be diagnosed. Yes, I've experienced traumatic events in my life, but surely that doesn't mean I have PTSD...right? (Wrong!)

I'm also processing my feelings towards referring to myself as disabled. Physically, I'm mostly fine. However, my mental health really does affect my every day life and I never noticed it until recently.

My mental health has greatly impacted my nervous system, daily functioning, relationships with others, and ability to do essential tasks such as showering, going to work, completing my associate's, taking care of myself.

---

Lets go through some things my mental illnesses do for me, shall we?:

OCD - Makes me anxious every waking moment due to constant intrusive thoughts, avoidance of certain places or actions (ex: eating) due to fear of my intrusive thoughts becoming reality, avoidance of loved ones if they are dealing with something that triggers my OCD, spending up to hours cleaning and washing anything I've deemed "contaminated" (especially my hands), constant reassurance-seeking in intentional and unintentional ways all the time, a few times I've started spiraling and almost started to believe I was hallucinating an entirely different reality to the "real" one

PTSD - Anxiety in my home to the point I was taking Melatonin every night so I could leave as soon as possible in the morning, constantly being on edge to the point where the TV being too loud made me drop everything so I could check it was just the TV and not people screaming at each other, remembering traumatic situations so many times, actively triggers my OCD as well so I have obsessions related to my trauma, too anxious to do tasks even in a safe environment because I'm afraid that one day something terrible will happen which leaves me depressed as well, constant stress since the situation was never resolved, constant guilt, I still shake and my voice wavers when I talk about it

PMDD - THE IRRITABILITY AND RAGE OH MY!, constantly talking myself off the edge while in the middle of my workday, work ethic goes down significantly due to how miserable I feel, short but terrible depressive episodes starting around two weeks before my cycle, getting angry at others for no reason to the point I can't recognize myself sometimes (luckily I'm pretty good at keeping the anger in), not having motivation to do anything, have to leave work early sometimes which has wrecked my PTO

---

I think I needed to write that down so I don't feel like I'm overreacting. My pain is valid. My mental pain is valid. And it would still be valid if it didn't significantly alter my life.

I'm doing all that I can to be better. I am so much better than I was and I want to be better than I am now. But I need to allow myself to wallow in my pain as well. I cannot let it consume me but I cannot cage it either. I guess that's what I'm doing right now.

---

Other than that, today has been less productive than I wanted it to be! I still need to go grocery shopping. Too late to do that today :(

I tried doing my nails today but I tried a new method and it did NOT work out well! I'll try again on my next day off.

I leave you all with my latest obsession: Sabrina Carpenter

[logically-asexual]

i am personally of the opinion that thomas doesn’t need to make A Statement* about fitting in and other hp references because of reasons i’m too lazy to elaborate right now and i extend that opinion a bit towards becoming a cartoon. but i do think that a recent tweet thomas made was wrong and it is bothering me. so i’m going to ramble about it for a bit.

the original tweet has been deleted but apparently a fander (whose username i recognize because they comment on every single tweet by thomas with support and praise and often get acknowledgement from him, so they show up at the top replies always) posted about their feelings of discomfort with becoming a cartoon because of the association with hart man and someone else quote tweeted them with a comment like “meanwhile i love all episodes”

which first of all i think was rude in itself like. you’re not superior for loving everything thomas does and have no criticism towards him, everyone is allowed to dislike some of the things he makes, specially if it’s caused by the association of something with a bigot.

then thomas replied to that saying

like. i. i don’t like this.

i don’t know what the original comment was because it was deleted before i could see it (because of this reply by thomas) but whatever it was it couldn’t have been that bad? i know the author of it never has anything but praise to say for thomas in the replies to his tweets and they probably know that thomas sees much of their stuff so i don’t think they could have been so rude when expressing their discomfort with hart man’s presence in a video that thomas, 34, with years and years of experience with social media presence and queer activism, could find the comment “discouraging”.

the original tweet author then apologized and thomas said “no, yours was fine” and i don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. like. if this person’s tweet was indeed not that rude and wasn’t what discouraged thomas then why reply to this conversation in the first place? why not talk about it somewhere else? and even then. if it’s just the idea of some tweets complaining about an episode (for totally valid reasons!) that “discourages” thomas then .. he needs to? not get discouraged so easily? he’s 34? and this is Social Media. he knows how it is. i would imagine he does. he just has to make sure not to promote this man’s work in the future and move on and if some viewers won’t forgive him then he would have to understand that that’s out of his hands and. move on.

also if thomas gets discouraged by some comment on his videos he shouldn’t seek comfort from other fans who say “well iii do like everything thomas does without question!” he should seek comfort from his friends or other close people in his life and from his own understanding that he can’t please everyone and that he is allowed to make mistakes and move on from them and try to be better in the future.

publicly favoring the second comment saying they like everything (in contrast to the first one expressing dislike for one of his creations) means encouragement from thomas to be like the second fander and not like the first. through guilt-tripping. which i think is wrong.

people should be allowed to criticize content they don’t like in their own accounts, and if the creator sees the criticism (a creator with a decade of social media experience in this case) then they’re responsible for their own actions. thomas is responsible for his own actions and he should acknowledge the concern if he deems it valid or ignore it if he doesn’t agree and then idk sort out his feelings about it in private. later he can make A Statement if he feels that the situation requires it but without targeting any individual fanders in particular. but at the end he has Take Responsibility for his reaction and his feelings and Move On.

so in conclusion (Tl;DR) this is just one tweet and it seems everyone involved is fine about the situation but i really don’t like this trend of Thomas replying to tweets by fanders by saying he feels discouraged or under-appreciated whenever someone has a complaint. i think he should sort those feelings out by himself, instead of making these fans feel guilty for their opinions.

okay that’s all i had to say. tell me what you think.

[johns-prince]

hello!! hope you're doing fine 👉👈

firstly i'd love to say that your blog is one of my faves... like, both among mclennon and just in general.

so, um. i appreciate your opinion and takes on john/paul/mclennon/etc, and it would be interesting to hear your thoughts about john's psysical violence towards, you know... cynthia and just women.

i know that cynthia mentioned in her book that he only hit her once when they were teens, but recently i've found these posts:

https://at.tumblr.com/phoneybeatlemania/cynthia-lennon-abuse-and-historiography/xsbd2ric6j2m

https://at.tumblr.com/phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust/i-think-the-main-reason-john-is-canceled-is-how/tki6lwkt49w2

and... it's not that i despice john now. i've always kept in mind his own confession in the playboy interview... i just can't help feel a bit of guilty for my warm emotions towards him.

what do you think of it? and sorry if it's something you've already discussed on your blog.

thank you, have a nice day!!

It's not my first time addressing this topic, you're right lol

You'll find that diving into the personal lives of these men, they weren't perfect, they weren't always good, and just like a large portion of famous musicians, behaved in ways not many of us can justify or condone.

I've come to terms with who John was, I've squared it with myself.

I know the history, I've done my digging, from Thelma Pickles to Cynthia to Yoko, to May, and to the end with Yoko again.

You might not like my answer, but all I can find myself to say in the simplest of terms: John was the best he could be.

Cynthia admits he was neither sinner nor saint. It was apparent that Cynthia loved him, despite the flaws, despite the incident of him striking her (which took much of John grovelling and pleading to her to give him another chance) despite his inability or instability to not be a good father, despite her efforts.

Could John have been better? Sure, totally, no argument there.

While it's despicable for a man to hit a woman (entirely outside of self defense), I think it's important to point out that John simply had a problem with physically striking out at anyone. Being inebriated or intoxicated seemed to make his propensity towards losing his temper and physically lash out greater. John probably could've killed Bob Wooler. He would start fights. Paul was designated as John's keeper for many reasons and one was to typically calm him down, because an irritate John could escalate. Mal Evans was great to have for his size, being able to grab hold of John and physically restrain him if necessary (like the Bob Wooler incident).

Anyway my point is John's physicality was not restricted or targeted just at women. He had issues, clearly, and one was the fact John had no real grip with his temperament, and if drugs or alcohol were involved that just made him much less predictable and, unfortunately, dangerous.

That being said...

If we're going to nail John to the wall for all his inexcusable behavior or actions, then I can only hope the other three should be nailed to the wall beside him.

Perhaps adultery can be better excused, but it's no secret Ringo had literally beaten his ex-wife black and blue (Barbara Bach), to the point Ringo believed he had killed her after a particular bender. Of course, at that time, Ringo was apparently dealing with his own issues with substance abuse.

It's still rather inexcusable, though it's hardly ever brought up. Ringo is peace and love, he wasn't as caustic and loud as John, or perhaps not as zeroed in on for his own demons.

I don't feel guilty. I don't think I ever once felt guilty for my love of John because I've nothing to feel sorry or guilty for. Am I, as a fan, supposed to apologize and prostrate my associated guilt, for every time I love and admire John Lennon?

No. It's not my fault he wasn't perfect. I never expected him to be, anyway. I wouldn't expect fans of Ringo to feel guilty, or bad, for their love and admiration towards him. Why should I?

Just because we love someone in history, for the things they did, the person they appeared to be the majority of time, their mark on the world, their beauty and charm—doesn't mean we condone and justify all that they did or behaved like.

Funnily enough, none of his wives described him as an abuser or woman beater. Cynthia wasn't stupid, I hardly doubt she would have continued to love John and continued to talk about him in the way she did, not just honestly, but lovingly, if he had been the monster we're all supposed to deem him as. Cynthia died loving John, even when he had hurt her, disappointed her, let her down... Because she loved the man, and better understood him than any of us outsiders could.

Similarly, May never described John as an abuser or woman beater. I don't believe May was an idiot either. She cared for John, she knew him, she saw what the drugs and alcohol abuse did to him. She tried her best, despite being young and incapable of handling a mess like John, to help him. She saw what we never will.

Even Yoko, though the need to perpetrate the Yoko&John love myth and legend, she'd never gone as far to describe John as an abuser or woman beater. We know how toxic and abusive their relationship was, really. John was probably at his worse then, he was. And you must think, if Yoko stans can justify and excuse and even ignore the fact Yoko is actually quite an unlikeable person who has done unlikeable things, then why is it I cannot love John, for all he is, even when I've acknowledged the fact John's done things I could never excuse.

John was great, and John was terrible, and I love him, and I don't feel sorry nor do I feel the need to justify myself at any point because Cynthia, May, Yoko, nor Paul, have never felt sorry or guilty for loving John openly and unapologetically.

Even with Ringo, him and Barbara are still together, even after all that, even after Ringo had thoroughly trashed her to the point people who found her thought she was dead.

Que sera, sera, I can't say Ringo nor John were abusers, but products of their time, and of the culture, and of the substance abuse, and in the end...

Could be the best they could be. At least Ringo has had time to be better and to try and reconcile and repent for his past behavior and actions.

So my final say to this, for you, is: square it with yourself. If you can't accept these uncomfortable and, often inexcusable parts of John, then you can't. If you can, if you can accept the fact he wasn't all that great of a person, at least not always, because who is? Really? Then that's all you need to know.

I love John, I can relate to a lot about him, as a person, flawed and imperfect and full of sin. I'm not sorry, I don't feel guilty, because it's not my doing and my fault for how he was and who he is. He wasn't evil incarnate to me, he was just some man that had issues and problems and made terrible decisions and hurt others but so did the other Beatles and so have most if not everyone in the music industry. I don't know, maybe that makes me a hypocrite, or biased, but if that's all then that's all. This is just how I like, feel man.

Hope my answer isn't too much of a convoluted mess, and I hope it answered your questions 💟

[captain-of-silvenar]

Ghost, future, guilt for the ask meme :3

I said in an earlier post that it was going to be the Year of the Dragon soon, so I'm going to make this ask meme about my baby gal Yera!

Ghost: Who or what haunts your OC? What happened? How do they live with their ghosts?

There is something to be said as a being that can consume other immortal souls into themselves. Do the souls become just energy once consumed? Or do they haunt Yera in her dreams when she is in the subconscious?

The more she consumes other dragon souls, the more she takes on their habits and tendencies. What was once a bit of a short-temper is now a lit fuse ready to blow until she learns to control it. A curious habit she had as a child for collecting shiny objects is a literal hoarding habit for gold and expensive things.

The more she eats dragon souls, the less she feels like a Bosmer. Or a mortal. They whisper to her at night, in the depths of despair. They encourage her on her highest highs to take more and more for herself.

'Of course you deserve this fame. You are the Dragonborn. You have the whole country devoted to your existence. Demand their loyalty to you.'

The ghosts of dozens of immortal beings who she has killed and consume live forever in her own soul and fight for influence every day.

Future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

There are a few outcomes that could be the end for Yera. Following the Dragonborn DLC, I did write a bit of a short story of what happens if she lost to Miraak. And had her soul taken by him. Needless to say, when two souls that consume immortal souls combine into one neither of them come out the end as the same person. I kind of want to work on that story more, but that's for a different day.

Another isn't necessarily just about her, but the idea that the Thalmor eventually realize Yera is the daughter to Kerasil who is the Captain of the Guard in Silvenar. And once that connection is made, threats to family members can be made at Yera in demands for their safety! Which was the whole reason she left Valenwood in the first place so that she wouldn't be used as a bargaining chip against her mother!

Now the roles are reversed and Yera wouldn't really know what to do besides seige Valenwood and free it of Thalmor influence but that's opening a whole can of worms.

The first outcome Yera has no idea about, it's just a worse case scenario that goes worst to worst once it starts. There are very few, if ever, cases of Dragonborns meeting in the same place and killing each other.

The second one Yera is aware of at all time and refrains from giving her last name, her association to anyone back at home, or details about her family to anyone to prevent information leaking back to the Thalmor.

Guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

Not taking up the mantle of the Dragonborn sooner. How many villages could she have saved? How many innocent people would've been alive if she was there to slay that dragon?

Nothing can really change the past, Yera is now devoted to her title as the Dragonborn and the safety of Skyrim's people. All she can really do right now is work to keep it safe.

If anything, she is doing too much to make up for this guilt she carries. There is no 'work-life balance'. This is what the Elder Scrolls have foretold for her and there weren't really a lot of instructions afterwards. Yera has a bad habit of burning herself down to the wick and it is only worst with this whole world saving business.

She has Lydia to remind her to sit down and relax every once in awhile. And several other friends and allies she has made over her time in Skyrim but this guilt specifically gnaws at her. And it spurs her on to never sit on her hands, but to move into action if it means saving something.

Surely that will never backfire on her, never ever.

[that-angry-noldo]

bonus! lyrics i associate with them under the cut

Finarfin:

"I'm just a man who's trying to go home - even after all the years away from what I've known"

"Will these actions hunt my dreams - every man I've slain? Is the price I pay - endless pain?"

"What good will killing do, when mercy is a skill more of this world could learn to use?"

Hurin

"oh, bring it on! I'm not dying here, I'm still fighting here! I'm holding on, 'til I see it through, til I've beaten you!"

"I'm just a man who's fighting for his life - deep down I would trade the world to see my son and wife!"

Luthien

"Gibe me sirens and a hydra! Bring me giants and a cyclops! I know life and fate are scary, but I wanna be legendary"

(there are no particular lyrics for her from hermes, she just has his vibes)

Turin

"There are strangers in our house - trying to win the heart of my mum, but she is standing tall..."

"They're getting impatient, dangerous too... And I would fight them if I was half as strong as you!!"

Fingolfin

"Have you forgotten the lessons I thaught you? He's still a threat, until he's dead! Finish it."

"You were reckless, sentimental at best; that's not a teaching of mine."

"One day, you'll hear what I'm saying - one day, you might understand; one day, but not today, for after all, you're just a man."

Finrod

"I know that you're tired of the war and bloodshed; tell me, is this how we're supposed to live? Look at how you grip your sword - enough said! Why should we take when we could give?"

"This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms; I see in your face - there is so much guilt inside your heart... So why not replace it and light up the world, here's how to start: greet the world with open arms, greet the world with open arms."

Melkor:

"Enlighten me, King of Ithaca! Since hunger was far too great, I wonder who'd take the weight of the damned and suffer a gruesome fate to the Thunder Bringer, here to ring your ears until your deaf with fear and spear you while your death is near! Lighting wielder, here to yield your time for you have passed your prime, sublime you for your act of crime!"

Brodda

"This is how they hold us down - till the throne gets colder; hold our down, till we slowly age; hold us down while boy gets bolder, where the hell is our pride and our rage?!"

(the entire "hold them down" to be honest, i'm not typing all of that)

[bracketsoffear]

Doflamingo's feats (and why you should vote for him) I'm going to preface by saying that, yes, manipulation isn't just a Web thing; every Fear does manipulate here and there, but the Web is most known for and associated with it. In my earlier Doffy propaganda (which was actually my description for his submission), I pointed out that the Web loves power and manipulation because of its true domain of powerlessness/helplessness, being trapped, and the idea that your actions aren't yours (especially knowing damn well after it's too late) (which lines up well with Doffy imo). With that said, let's list some of Doffy's Web-like feats:

His main method of fighting is to bide his time using defensive maneuvers while goading his opponents into revealing emotional weaknesses ("...who could wield guilt like a rapier and anger like a scalpel"), which he then uses against them to perform surprise sneak attacks. Nothing in nature waits better than a spider.

He took over Dressrosa (a kingdom) and dethroned its king in just one night. The deal that he presented to the king also traps said king in an unfavorable position; either he take money from his people by force (something against his morals), or there will be war. Once the king (after 'borrowing' money from the civilians in a non-coercive way) does however, he and his militia are puppeteered, with Doffy coming in to present himself as a savior, stopping said king and swaying his once loyal people to Doffy's side for 10 years.

He hatched a plan, using his origins and ties as a Celestial Dragon, to a. Trap Law in a battle between him and an admiral b. Isolate Luffy in Corrida Coliseum so that he can't interfere c. Prevent the Strawhats from leaving the island

And when that backfires, as in the kingdom's populace finding out about his true intentions, he tweaks his plan, setting up another deal, promising rewards, that manage to turn them against each other once more and against the Marines (+ other parties against Doffy as well); all to buy time for an escape

He (through Sugar) turned a portion of the Dressrosa populace into living toys, including puppets and marionettes (both being common motifs of the Web *side eyes Lagorio and that Web domain*) that have no choice but to follow orders

He used one of his stronger moves, the Birdcage, both to entrap all of Dressrosa (cutting of communications) and drive the people trapped to hunt down the protagonists for money, even raising the prizes for certain people as he sees fit. The distinction between the Web and the Hunt in this context is that Doffy's using the headhunting of the Strawhats as a means to eliminate obstacles from his schemes, in lieu of simply enjoying the thrill if he was more Hunt alligned

The entirety of the Donquixote Pirates. Nothing screams Web as much as people being recruited into a cult that presents itself as a tight-knit 'family' through promises (e.g of protection and camaraderie) and by picking apart the human mind, then binding them so that they can't leave lest they face humiliation (e.g. Bellamy) and death (e.g. Bellamy's crew)

Trafalgar Law, who I believe should qualify as a Web victim after the things Doffy did to his mental state

This is Donquixote Doflamingo; a power hungry control freak who abuses leverage, incentives, and emotional weaknesses to have his way. He may get swept by President Business, but my god is he a Web avatar in my heart.

.

[averyspoopedcorgi]

for the ask game would you like to do eichi and mayhaps even.. tatsumi…….

atsa!!! i knew u were gonna give me tattsun lol but eichi is a welcomed suprise

i hope u dont mind some of my answers being short or shallow cuz I haven read many stories and most of my character thoughts are gibberish :,)

ok ei-chan first

favourite thing about them: his whole character, how complex he is the guilt he feels for his actions I like that he isn't some irredramable villain but just somebody who wanted to save something he loved dearly by any means possible (I hope I'm correct about the last part I haven't read about the war in a while) also half the batshit insane stuff he says is hilarious

least favourite thing about them : I have nothing I particularly hate about him I suppose he monologues are so long sometimes they make me wanna take a break from reading lol

favorite line: pretty mission epilogue only comes to mind from what I've read

brOTP: hell dorm but mostly aira, something about them bonding over their love for idols also chiaki i wanna see them interact more

OTP: the emperor and the his funny clown (wataei) have a vice on my heart

nOTP: romantic reichi or just him with any oddballs that aren't wataru or keito x eichi idk why they just rub me the wrong way

ramdom hadcanon: hell dorm movie which in reality r just aira and eichi watching idol mvs while rei snnnzzs

unpopular opinion: STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT HIM DYING WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE YES YOU CAN HATE FOR THE SHIT HE PULLED BUT SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO REALISE THAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT A CHRONICALLY ILL MAN DOSENT MATTER IF HES FICTIONAL <- mad about marriage poll

song i associate with them: im soso sorry ive got nothing ; ;

favorite picture of them: babygirl or tiger eichi i cant pick

ok tattsun time!!!

favorite thing about them: the way he talks about his faith is so interesting....youd expect him to spout bible verses left and right but after reading feather touch and his conversation with aira just reshaped him in my mind, theres so much i like about him but this i what really scratched my brain

(also more meta but i like that him being chirstian isnt treated as a joke if that makes any sense )

also also vehicular manslaughter

least favorite thing about them: bastard will not come home no matter how hard i try. i wasted hot limit funds on his revival still nothing. i have every alk five star except him. what did i do tattsun senpai/hj

favorite line: feather touch but specifically the convo with aira. thats all

brOTP: aira and tatsumi. literally the senpai-kouhai friendship of all time

also christian rock drom with koga and leon theryre all besties canonically what else does a guy need (also they take leon on walks together and i think everyone should know that)

OTP: gee i wonder what it is *standing in front of a pile of tatsumayo fanart*

nOTP: idk really??? any of his juniors ig

random headcanon: koga taught him how to play the guitar!!! now you can always hear the distinct sound of christian rock from thier dorm room

he loves dogs like really loves dogs but could never own one cuz he lived in a church for most of his childhood so hes beyond overjoyed to share a dorm with leon

also cane user and bisexual tatsumi is soso real to me

unpopular opinion: stop treating him like hes some white queerphobic christian whats wrong with you people stop acting ;like every christian is terrible

song i associate with them: ah abuseken's christ and guchiry's orthodoxia

favorite picture of them: naur who let bro drive

[scripted-downfall]

Season 11 anon here, I saw your ask post and take all the time you need, I understand people have lives away from the keyboard. This should be my last attack of thoughts for a minute, I just finished the imaginary friend episode and need a break, but I have thoughts that tie into my morals/values theory. More specifically, how Sam's apology to Sully came after Weems called him out on breaking Sully's heart, so bring up thoughts of only after he's confronted with the shame/guilt associated with others knowing. But another thing that struck me (and personally, I think Dean would hate this take) is how similar Dean and Sully are in how they interact with Sam (and possibly in general). Such as, taking blame on things that are Sam's fault and excusing Sam's behavior. Sully is constantly checking in on Sam's emotional state, Dean checks in on Sam a lot, after Jess, when he was seeing Lucifer every where etc. Sully's willingness to die if its what is "best for" the child. I'm also having conflicting feelings about Reese just getting away with murder, like on one hand it's "monster" murder and technically killing monsters is a positive for hunters, but also calling Zanna "monsters" seems like a stretch and the lack of consequence made the episode feel unresolved. Final thought, Sam's lack of suspicion about these visions is ridiculously stupid for the "smart" one. He is always on hell's side, not always by choice but still. If the visions were from God or heaven, it makes more sense for them to reach out to Dean (the righteous man, they sieged hell for him, Michael's sword, etc) vs Sam (one of Azazel's "children", referred to by heaven as an abomination, Lucifer's vessel). But also we know (and I think they know) that Lucifer can speak from the cage, as he did to Azazel. I'm mean I could be wrong and Sam is finally on the side of good, but the amount of time he mentioned visons and Lucifer together at he end of the episode like that can't be for nothing.

Hello again! And thanks for the ask!

I do think that your point about Sully --- and, specifically, Sam apologizing to Sully only after Weems pointed out Sam's bad behavior --- is a good one. I remember having a similar feeling, honestly, when I first watched it. And it ties back into the idea that Sam needs someone to point out good vs bad because he doesn't quite... get that. He needs the judgement of others as a benchmark for how far he's overstepped, a lot of the time.

Also, to be honest, I feel like the fact that Dean wouldn't appreciate the comparison to Sully --- which I feel is very on point, just btw --- might actually make that connection more convincing. After all, there's the fact that it's often the actions we carry out ourselves that annoy us most in others; additionally, Sam's shown a trend of leaving Dean behind, so having someone who treats Sam similarly --- I point out the... what was it, marshmallow nachos? are very similar to the story Dean tells about marshmallow macaroni and cheese --- is much more concerning to him than it would be in other situations. But you're definitely right; the way Dean checks in the Sam is very similar to the way Sully stays in-tune with him, the sacrificial side of their interactions is unfortunately similar, etc.

I get what you're saying about the Zanna and lack of consequences too... Like, I know that the episode itself --- and most if not all of the characters --- sat firmly in the territory of "the Zanna might be supernatural but they're not evil, don't deserve death, etc.", but Reese mostly getting away fine is still a bit iffy, to me. It was kind of an episode about forgiveness, though, so I supposed that was the point?

I don't know, btw, whether they know that Lucifer was speaking to Azazel from within the cage --- I think that was a flashback that only we saw? but I could be wrong --- but, regardless, I definitely agree. I remember having the same thoughts when I watched, and this time I have proof! I've reblogged the initial post with additions twice, but the third one is from s12, so it's got spoilers; the second, though, was after s11e09, which, I can see from your new ask, you've seen... the post + first reblog can be found here :)

Thank you again for the ask; until next time!

[gh0st1nth3shell]

por favor ayúdame a pensar

Hola, Abuela. I'm back again. I ask you for some guidance and ease for my troubled thoughts.

I seem trapped in a cycle, and while it feels close to being broken, I still find myself stuck.

I could care less about the events that led to my trauma, but more so about how I'm responding to the PTSD itself as well as trying to heal. Unfortunately, a major part of that involves a certain level of self-hatred. My mother's trauma became mine and doubled... I work actively to get the words of my family out of my head and see myself in a better light. Regardless, I guess I'm still battling the younger version of myself.

I've understood within myself that the child version of me was looking for nurturing, care, kindness, and love. Im fully capable of showing all those things. He was never shown that except by you, but has come to forget what it feels like, simply the hatred that was imposed upon me for mistakes, things out of my control, or things not completely my fault.

I believe that is why I'm so hard on myself constantly. Ive been told this by many people. I've been told how proud people are of me, how much I mean to them, all my accomplishments, my tenacity and strength, especially of heart, my intelligence, my talent and so much more. My problem is not being able to truly understand the sentiments behind their words. Ive been shown consistently that I have such a close knit group of people who love and care for me, but all Im reminded of is the berating, physical abuse, harsh words and constantly being told Im a disappointment by my family. I shun out all the praise and love due to feeling as if Im still not worthy of it or that they may be lies like every other time Ive heard it all.

Ive been severely chasing things I dont need and pushing away the people close unintentionally, in some futile attempt to liberate myself. Ive been neglectful, selfish, apathetic, abrasive, so dependent and such a pain for the people close to me. To my legitimate friends. Ive come to take them for granted against my best wishes because I cant still myself and listen and accept that although Im trying to live my own life and be my own person, I am not separate from how my actions and words affect people. I have a bad habit of talking just to talk and saying things I don't mean. Part of it is most likely the hypo-mania Bi-polar shit, but I don't want to blame my shortcomings on my mental condition.

I should know by now how to interact with people, how to be social, how to be considerate. I fall into guilt after episodes because I fear losing people who love me over my stupidity and myopicness.

My suicidal episode this year wasn't helpful to anything. I had completely disregarded everyone's feelings and how my death would affect them. I was absolutely planning on not making it to the winter, to not seeing 2025. I was under the impression the I wasn't needed cause that's all I was taught. I hurt my friends. I made them cry. My attempts at reaching out for help have placed more pain and trouble to the people around me the same people actively trying to help me get better despite the shit they are going through. Im selfish in that I wasn't thinking about anyone in wanting to end my life, but even now I can't see and understand the needs and liveliness of the people I associate with.

I know that loving my younger self is the first step. Forgiveness and acceptance for who I was. Only then can I let go fully of my pain. Accepting my childhood self and offering him grace will allow me to break free of the pain associated with my mistakes. It will make me less hard on myself. Less tense. More comfortable. My heart will be open once again to the proper meaning of love and friendship and camaraderie. My people are with me because of all this. All the positive traits that make me. I was trying to kill it all, to separate and start new. To discard who I used to be and by result, the traits that people love about me.

My pain has caused me to fall into darkness where nothing but me matters. Where I say I love but don't even understand if its true anymore. I lost myself for 6 years very slowly and now I have to deal with the fallout of that.

I know we will be ok. Its just going to take space and time. I just pray to you and the Gods that its not too late to patch things with him. Hes my brother and my best friend and I hurt him badly. I didn't mean to but that doesn't matter. For now space is necessary for both of us. Communication as well, but only once I can figure out what I want to say.

Its best for me to continue figuring out myself in solitude for the rest of the year. I've been slightly unfocused and stressing that what is out of my control isn't good for my situation or health.

I dont intend at all to be a new or different person going into next year. Simply to be stronger and better. I want to be support for my close ones the same way Ive always tried to be. Ive always felt so unreliable and that's led to some low self-esteem for a while. Ive been only disappointing myself in that regard.

I want to be the best version of me, the one my childhood self would have looked to for safety. All the moves I make from now on need to be for him and him only. I owe that to myself.

My pride, masculinity and personality will no longer be kept hidden. I need to take off my mask and step out of my comfort zone to fully grow and mature. I need to be easier on myself for mistakes and lessons to be learned. If things continue as they are now, the cycle will never break.

Thank you for allowing me to vent, Grandmother. I miss you and I love you dearly.

-Love, Junior