#but i genuinely just dont want my mom doing stuff alone and if i have to set up commissions for scrap money before
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I have not posted any of my analysis to reddit yet and I think I might just post it and ghost it. I've already spent too much time looking at other people's threads on there to feel any way good about interacting with folks.
I already went in an added the "I know you're going to bring this up let me save you the time" section which is exclusively touching on the frequent topics of:
"well what about the fingerprint nostrum and finger mimics? He is clearly just a crackpot"
And
"it's definitely some weird elaborate sacrifice to Metyr thing"
#if he's drinking hallucinogenic tea in his free time genuinely good for him. whatever man. i just do not think either of those items are-#at all relevant to the quest especially the nostrum because it is a placebo medicine and aint nothing fake about this shit#also i think theres a distinction between becoming fingers vs wanting to replace metyr? idk like as ive said i think he thinks he's-#better than the fingerweavers and rightfully so#like please come to a new conclusion other than “man this guy is on drugs”#also girl... metyr doesnt need sacrifices. like? where is that textually or in set design? metyr wants us to leave her the fuck alone#she's minding her own business EVERY TIME WE SPAWN INTO HER ZONE#like why are people so desperate for everything to have a dark undercurrent? not everything has to be some dark disney ass shit#“actually finding nemo is a hallucination & Marlin is insane & nemo is dead that movie is actually super fucked up & dory is a grim reaper”#like im sorry but this is how this extra shit all feels to me#like it is already fucked up and miserable?#is he 100% a good person? like thats genuinely person to person. theres personal gain from the quest#and hes definitely very good at getting what he wants#manipulate manifest mother#tail fingers on the vision board#devon yaps#and yap I did#like I don't want to be a bitch because yeah we should genuinely celebrate other peoples theories and hcs in these games#but i dont think “lol this guy is just on drugs” is one of those things#because i like spooky theories if theyre backed up.#but to say “its this weirdly horrible thing and youre all wrong” especially in his context is not great to me#Sorry. like may my own arrogance strike me down like the scholar i think i am 😤 farewell#because again its coming down to meeting this narrative without preconceived bias and most of the reddit stuff feels like-#“he is fucked up. won't say why. but i bet you know why i actually think this 🤫🤫🤫” like just you cant wrap your brain around guy mom#i do really want to reiterate this is about reddit shit. like i am so into people who love his character but interpret him more sinister💕😚#truly eating that shit up
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Hey! I hate to ask for handouts and don't mean to come across as such, as that's not what this is for necessarily. I've been meaning to work on commissions, as in actually setting it up and working on the info itself and with the unexpected passing of my father on Jan 30th, I'm going to try to do just that when I have time or if it comes down to it, if we're stable before or as I'm getting a job it'll be different, there's a hiring freeze at the place I'm trying to get into so the guy will get back to me whenever he can. Right now I'm spending time with family during this time as my mom and I figure stuff out during our free time. My dad was the one who covered the mortgage payments so I just want to help my mom pay for it so we have a roof over our heads, I don't have a job yet and am waiting for a slot where my parents worked and my mom is taking time off and using vacation/sick time to be paid before she has to go back. Issue is, her last paycheck is coming up. We're also trying to figure out stuff with a grief counselor, but I digress. It's only my mom, me and two cats now. The mortgage is a little over $700 a month and I don't want her to do everything by herself and be alone. So, if I open commissions and I'm still drained as it's been hard for me to even pick up a pencil I will start off with small things (like sketch comms, MLP comms, etc) just to get things started. I still have to figure out if I want to open a shop of my own or mess with sites like redbubble, I'm still figuring out Kofi for tips and payments there. I will update with the full information soon once everything is settled if I can. I'm just tired and mentally exhausted, possibly still going through shock, so I haven't felt the energy to keep up conversations so if you think I'm ignoring you, I'm not! I apologize if it's ever come off as such, things have been hectic. Anyways, I wish you all the best and hope all is well!
#comet rambles#does this need a mutual aid tag#i genuinely dont know#because its just a post prior to anything i set up because we're still going through financial stuff like insurance#so im waiting to figure stuff out before absolutely anything/gen#this will be in queue so idk when it'll post#but i genuinely just dont want my mom doing stuff alone and if i have to set up commissions for scrap money before#or even during getting a job then i will#i have been looking for a job for a while its just that a bunch of shit keeps having hiring freezes or is only seasonal#and im not doing seasonal to be possibly be laid off of a job#one of the two places in question i have to wait to even attempt to be hired for is in the summer if anything#putting in queue to deploy later#note my grandma is helping us i just dont want to be too sure that we are financially stable or not so if i have to open comms then#im mostly worried about my mom rn
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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Hi sorry for disappearing but uhhh 25ji 👍 (<- not ok)
#rat rambles#sekai posting#its just. the 25ji work friends to real friends arc is hitting hard rn#its like. they may not be the closest compared to some other sekai characters but god would these assholes die for eachother#they care so much. and now that things are truly going to shit its hitting them like a truck#just the scene with kanade and mafuyu. god kanade is trying so hard to put up a strong face for mafuyu and god is it. rough to watch.#in an ideal world smth smth kanade character debelopment thats actually abt her own issues but yknow blah blah blah#Ill save my pissy kanade fan stuff for if they truly drop the ball with her this is the climax of mafuyu arc so its mostly focused on them#also obligitory * that I dont fully think they intended kanade to read that way but Im trying to be optimistic here#anyways holy fuck this event was so fucking good#this is what Ive been waiting for#and I am genuinely so glad they didnt have mafuyu get like. properly mad at their mom just yet.#Im glad that them expressing their feelings is them expressing their absolute Desperation#they dont Want to fight their mom. theh dont Want to see her hurt. despite it all they are desperate to believe that she loves them.#they genuinely loved their mom and in a way they still do#but at the same time they are so so fucking Scared of her#and that fact alone is another reason for their despeeation I think#they dont Want to be scared of her. they dont want to hide things from her or feel so boxed up in their own home they#they desperately want her to show them they dont have to be scared of her. and she is very much not doing that.#and now theyre backed in a corner. and with no other options it seems all that much more likely that theyre going to have to fight.#I doubt theyre fully running away right now tbh. I think they Might in the future but rn I just dont think mafuyu will allow it#theyre still desperate for their mom to understand. I think they might try making peace one more time but ofc it wont happeb#so its either fight or flight. and eventually itll kind of have to be both#cause freezing sure as hell wasnt workinf#my current prediction is that kanade or someone else in 25ji will put up the offer but mafuyu will push back initially#shes probably going to stay away from home for a lil bit at least even if shell probably try to push to going back way too soon#maybe her dad will get involved? idk hopefully the writers have plans for him I could see him going either way#either way mafuyu will probably either decide to 'temporarily' stay at one of the other's places or will start more openly rebeling#the former would probably be better for mafuyu and is more likely but idk Im not fully sure if thats where theyre taking them#I will have some bitching to do if its at kanade's place but hey probably better than enas despite everything
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Everytime I realize how.... Chill... My mom is im... Im torn between thinking it's the best and not /:
#miranda talking shit#She lets me do anything and basically always have. Well as a child she didnt ofc but generally things i WANTED to do i was#Allowed to do unless something obvious came in tje way. I wanted to see a friend i was allowed. Wanted to go to a bday party#Allowed. She was so chill and yeah. Only as an adult i realized its not super common? Like she was and still is more a friend than parent#There has not been anything she ever said... No against or openly expressed doubt about. Not that i was wild or anything#I never have done much crazy things no parties with alchol or anything but even if i did... She'd probably be ok with it#Idk if its bc she trusts me or what? Bc i know she cares and by nature she is a worry wart. Thats why i have been able to tell her like#Anything. I havent but i genuinely think i could and she'd not freak out too bad about things. She let me go fly out to germany#First time i ever flew alone... And i had to change flight and i was 15. To see a girl she had only known about for a year from conversatin#She ... Never said anything against it. I barely remember i asked for her permission i just said mom i want to fly to germany#To celebrate xmas with my gf and she was like aight. And same with her coming to me. Oh an stranger from another country is#Coming to live with us for a few weeks? Who speaks no swe? Alright okay shes welcome! And same about flying to london to visit my online#Friends. That was potentially worse bc i wasnt staying with anyone i knew... So i was technically alone for quite some time when i was thee#And i had talked less about those people. At thay point i was 18 so technically she didnt have the right to stop me... But she just said ye#Ok ill help pay for it (: when my sister heard about it she flipped. And when i went on a second date with a guy#And spontaneously asked to stay over at his place... Mom had already left to get me and was just like lol ok ill turn around 😂#At one hand this has been good for me bc... I dont naturally seek out experience and dare to do thing so if i got big#Arguments and stuff thrown at me when i wanted to do something id probably just ... Id not do shit and i already almost do that lol#But shes also too agreeable. She never had that authority over me... And is more like a friend . Aka if i ask her to do something she will#Do it 9/10 times without arguing and that has definitely missed me some lessons of own responsibility etc. I guess one can argue#Bc im autistic its okay to have more reliance on my mom. But yeah... Ive been trying to do so less. I mean some things she still does help#Me with. But since i live alone its... I cant rely on her like i have in the past so been adjusting for me and i dont think ive done all#Well. But yeah. I hear majority of moms either being .. Overbearing or controlling and im here like... Uh.. Oh uh mine is haha#I still think shes the best but probably not the best to make me into an independent human but best emotionally etc#Just ... Weird how she have managed parenting. Bc she is so loving and worring and emotional. I know she is. But she havent let that ....#Go over her kids? She have let her kids do a lot of stuff... With my brothers its been a somewhat problem bc they have acted out#But for me... I mean im reclusive but when i think back im suprised how cool she have been with the things i came with#Considering i usually never wanted anything ... When i came with something it was pretty big stuff like... Traveling outside the country#For the first time ever... To an person and her family she never met or have seen? Yeah . Her trust must be big for me
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When I say with my entire being in my heart of hearts that I know with certainty that this-this-this THING right here would do the absolute most unbelievable petty gross obsessive dahmer level shit to you
He's petty he's evil he's got a childlike fascination for seeing what breaks people down and I hate him I hate him I hate him but ALSO what that dick do tho? 🤔
Mahito is the yandere over here doing shit like imprisoning you for his own selfishness and perhaps genuine affection but making you live in absolute deplorable conditions because He's Not Fucking Human And He Doesn't Even Know How To Feed You. He locks you away and disappears for an entire day and comes back with like a single can of wet dog food that he watches you eat from a squatting position like 5 inches away looking at you like Harley Quinn and the egg sandwich. Motherfucker would take all your clothes because he wants to see more of "the natural shape of you" and then doesn't understand why you start shivering. Or he deliberately keeps you like that because he wants to see how long it takes you to crack and beg him for help. He wants to see the depths of your pride as you refuse to grovel, curious of the lengths you'll go, the limits of your body against the chill
This depraved fuck will do dehumanizing little emotional experiments on you where he does shit just because he wants to see how you think and feel and what you'll do and I mean like he'll do SOME REAL SHIT. I'm talking maybe he's stalking you and you can't fight or use cursed techniques and you think he's just like, a human shaped spirit or something who's just a trickster, he's not being violent or getting you alone or anything yet, and then you come home to your apartment one day and he's literally disemboweled your cat on your coffee table and he's playing with pieces of it and says you were giving it more attention than him and sits there pouting as you scream and even tries to like touch you or hold your hand or hug you with. The fucking blood covered hands. like he would be so fucked up on purpose, "awww do you need me to hold you? You're so sensitive but i dont mind :3"
This man out here like "wdym you want me to stay away from you, all I did was kill your cat kill your mom kill your neighbor kill your best friend kill your boss' cousins' landlords' newborn baby BUT WAS THAT REALLY SO BAD 🥺" and does something infinitely worse to scare/coerce you into tolerating his presence
I'm not really uh into body horror or gore but as a side detail I feel like. Uh. There's like a legitimate risk of him actually unintentionally REALLY hurting you and has to use his powers to heal you. Like the one good thing he does is if he were to have you on death's door or like horribly injured he could just. Fix it. He twists a limb in a way he doesn't know it's not supposed to go and breaks it and then puts you back together like a broken toy while ooo'ing and aaa'ing at the way your skin stretches over the grotesque misalignment. Dare I say the horror of "him putting things that are way too big or weirdly shaped in you" also yeah he's one of the things he's putting in you and he's got a really gross like fascination with learning all about that stuff
He's really living just to see how many different ways he can make you cry and how many different emotions he can get you to display, just absolutely dedicated to terrorizing you while also chasing his own internal weird repressed desire for his own sort of belonging. You could be sitting there sobbing and he's either borderline getting off on it or he's standing there MAKING FUN OF YOUR CRIES like deadass even fake crying back to you
And the worst part is he'll do all this fucking shit to you and then the night comes and he'll still be over here like "and you'll let me cuddle you while you sleep right? 👉👈" and he'll be doing that Every. Single. Night. And what are you gonna do, try and kill yourself? Have fun risking accidentally making yourself a Curse and being stuck with him basically FOREVER
#yandere x reader#mahito x reader#yandere stuff#yandere jjk#also sukuna would say disgusting shit out of yujis mouth face just to embarrass you both zend post#sinprompts
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⋆ ˚。⋆୨୧˚ Boy Next Door ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆
warnings: sub!soobin, afab!reader, dom!reader, making out, friends to strangers to lovers, nerd!soobin, nicknames (noona, soobie), kinda leg riding?, first time, pervert!soobin, not proofread
a/n: short, kinda a random idea but fits him. We all know he'd he such a boob guy. Theres lore guys theres lore okay trust me
!!MDNI!!
Everyone labels him the "nerd" of the neighborhood because he's kind of the guy everyone uses for homework answers. Your friends, they can be a bit harsh. They sorta.. kinda.. bully him? That sounds realllyyy bad but really all they do is tease him from time to time. For small things like his glasses, the way he dresses, yk the usually things. And yeah, you've laughed along a few times. It felt wrong, but it was worth it to be friends with them.
Though he's always kinda been your friend, secretly. He helped you out with math when you were practically failing, listened to your endless rants about whatever drama was going down at school, and never asked for anything back. Thats just all he was though, always there, kind of like part of the scenery of your life you never really paid much attention to.
Then randomly at school, Soobin comes up to you. He's looks of nervous, which honestly wasn't that weird for him. He purposefully tried to meet you when your friends were getting snacks during your break.
"Y/n," he mutters, "there's something I really need to tell you." You just stare at him. You were kind of annoyed because if your friends saw you they would never shut up about you talking to him. "I like you, more than a friend like. I've felt this way for a while but didn't say anything because I know how it is with your friends..I know you laugh with them, and it's cool but we're graduating soon so I didn't want to miss the opportunity." You didn't really give him an answer. You just stared at him, mouth open slightly and with a confused expression before he walked away.
It pissed you off that he just HAD to tell you. It was awkward as HELLL and now you couldn't even ask him for help with work. And not to mention finals were like in a week. And now you stood in your kitchen, pissed of because your mom told you 5 minutes ahead of time that the Choi's would be coming to your house to have dinner. Was this a joke? Well you wanted to make the best of it. At least you could play around with him for the time you had. You tried slightly with your outfit and makeup, but no too hard. When the door opened and his family entered, you were sitting on the couch. You got up to greet them all, glancing at Soobin. He had his usual black framed glasses on, and a plain outfit.
"Hey you came." You waved slightly to him. He VERY awkwardly waved back, looking at his feet avoiding eye contact. "Mom we'll be in my room." Now this would sound suspicious if it wasn't for the fact that you've known each other since you've worn diapers. You both made your way up your stairs, and into your room. "You can sit on my bed if you want." He nodded silently. "Soo.. anything new with you?" You wanted to talk about something, ANYTHING to break this awkward suffocating feeling. It wasn't just awkward, but you were also still pissed. You weren't pissed at the fact that he abruptly confessed, but more by the fact that he didn't let you give a proper response. He constantly avoided you at school and pretended not to be home when you brought stuff over to his house for his family. Did he think he was alone with his feelings?
"Some people started a rumor at school.." He said breaking the silence again. "They said we're a couple. You raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? You sure you didn't start the rumor yourself?" You teased. He looked genuinely bothered. You scoweled. "What? Does it make you that unfomfortable that people think we're dating?" He quickly retorted, "N-no..! I just thought it might make you.. annoyed"
"Ill decide for myself how I feel, thanks, I dont need you deciding that."
"thats not what I meant.. I'm sorry noona.." He said repentually.
"I never even got to respond to you that day. Maybe the rumors would have been true if you let me speak." You said moving slightly closer to him on your bed. He looked confused.
"My answer is I like you too, and I do want to date you. So does that answer suit you? Or were you expecting rejection?" he paused. He felt a bit embarrassed when you so bluntly expressed your feelings to him. He wasn't expecting a positive reaction, so he felt hesitant on if he should speak or stay quite.
"H-huh?" He couldn't tell if you were teasing him or not. "If you're actually serious then why didn't you just tell me then?"
"Because you didn't give me the opportunity to. Well its good we got that out of the way. I'm actually really excited now. We can do tons of fun couple things." She said facing him.
"We-w-what?" The whole mood shifted. A moment ago you guy's were all serious, which was totally out of character for you. Soobin was taken by surprise as you leaned closer. "What 'couple things' are you talking about..?" His voice broke as he spoke.
"we could play around and.." she leaned closer to whisper to him, "I would even.. let you touch them." She leaned back away from him and laughed hysterically while cupping her chest in her hands.
Soobin felt his entire face immideitatly turn red and his heart rate shoot up. He felt like he could die from embarassment as he felt his body heat up because of the teasing. He could only slightly nod. "W-well I guess.. we can do that.."
"Oh so you're admitting to being a pervert?"
"I-it's.. not like that" He said answering quickly. "I'm not.." it was a joke you often said to him before.
"You've thought about it before haven't u? How they felt?"
"W-well.. um.. yeah.. I have thought about it.. but that doesn't make me a perv.." His face flushed even more than before.
"It totally does. But your wish is my command." She took his big hand and placed it on her chest. Soobin immediately felt a sudden warmth on his hand. It was like every nerve was being stimulated, and his breath began to become more heavy as his heart rate increased. You never knew boobs turned guys on this much. Or maybe it was just Soobin..
"You like it right?" You teased.
"W-well, I mean.. they're- they look really soft and I.." He trailed off and he was stuttering profusely. It was already too much for him to handle.
"you're already this flustered from feeling my clothed chest?' He nodded in a mix of shame and embarrassment. His face was completely red now. You wanted to test his limits. You leaned onto him, pressing a soft gentle kiss onto his lips. You just wanted to test the waters. His eyes widened in surprise as he felt the unexpected sensation. He hesitated for a moment before slowly parting his plush lips. The kiss became more rough, and you pulled his waist, so once he attempted to pull away, naturally he fell onto his back on your bed. He gasped for air, his body trembling under yours. His hands moved up to your shoulders, trying to push you away but finding it almost impossible to resist. The warm touch of your hand started to spread all around his torso as your fingers began to run over his skin. He let a groan before speaking, "M-Mmph...p-please don't.. dont't stop.." You moved your mouth down to his kneck, slowly trailing kisses down his sensitive skin.
A shiver ran down his spine, and he let out more groans as he tried to hold onto u, not wanting you to stop. You lifted up his plain tee revealing his chest. You brought one of his even more sensitive nipples into your mouth, gently sucking. Soobin let out a soft moan, and he couldn't help but arch his back slightly. You could feel his heartbeat now, and he could feel himself getting harder under your touch. You felt it. It was huge. Wasn't he the nerd everyone asked for homework answers? Why did god give him everything. Looks, brains, and a huge cock. She let out a teasing laugh.
"Somone's excited." She lifted her knee in between his legs.
"M-mhhh..mm n-noona.." His moans became even more intense as you pushed into his hard erection through his sweatpants. He couldn't hold it in anymore. "M-more..please," he managed to whisper between ragged breaths. She gave attention to his swollen nipple while still pushing her knee into him. The sensations were overwhelming. His body trembled. He pressed his hips forward in an attempt to get closer to the sensation you were creating. "Fuck.. I can't take m-more.." His voice strained. "Mm.." He tried to hold back, but as soon as he felt your hand slip down under his sweatpants onto his hardness he couldn't help but make noises of pleasure.
"Shhh.. these walls aren't sound proof soobie." You told him, knowing there was no way anyone downstairs could hear if they couldn't hear your blasting music that you usually played on your speaker. His body tensed up and he felt himself about to climax, his hips bucking forward. "noona I'm- I-" With a suppressed and strained moan he released his seed into his sweatpants, panting heavily as the wave of pleasure washed over him. He took a second to fully come down to realize the situation. His legs still twitching, he felt both incredibly embarrassed and incredibly speechless.
"Oh- by the way I'm sorry for laughing with my friends.. before.." She had a complete 360 in the way she treated him but he didn't even seem to notice-- or care. "I-i don't even care anymore." He said calmly. "Can you grab me a tissue?"
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ok quick rant and please like if you agree or relate or something so I don’t feel alone on this bc im gonna delete this anytime
1. Tumblrs whole rebrand isn’t accurate to the 2010s at all. im taking in scroll on the 2014 grunge tag and 1/30 post are actually accurate 2010s content. Like looks like it belongs on an old blog.
2. why EDs are being popular again. Honestly eating disorders never left obviously but it’s becoming popular to have one in the main media again. Of course there not out right saying ppl should have ed but like I can’t be going crazy here. I have nooo history with eating disorders at all except for that one summer when I didn’t eat much but that was just my appetite I didn’t actually want to starve myself. But these past couple of months I’ve been developing a small one and all these big back jokes DONT help. i might be at school and skip lunch because the school cafeteria makes me uncomfortable/ I don’t like seeing ppl eat or ppl seeing me eat; so when im starving in another class and I have the courage to maybe eat a candy bar and some random person calls me big like what?? also other things like ozempic and coke and honestly even tumblr making a comeback contributes to ppl getting eating disorders and even though I love the fandoms and community’s on here it’s an undeniable fact that the toxic side of tumblr is STILL here. I try my best personally not to show or promote eating disorders because they ARE deadly and horrible but I want to come clean about how I’ve been thinking or seeing things lately.
3.Bullying IS BACK
bullying has gotten so much worse it’s insane. A couple months ago when I first started this blog I was getting bullied and no one believed me except my mom. i couldn’t stand up for my self or tell anyone. and it has effected me a lot; the point of bullying is to change someone because they don’t fit a standard. and omg even online like why are we so mean. the other day i was talking to someone and the thing is I don’t have a lot of friends and the group I do have I don’t talk to about how I feel because I don’t think they would take it serious. And I told them about a time when someone made fun of me for liking a show and they laughed and said they were make fun of me to. and how if they didn’t know me they would bully me for believing in stuff like genuinely being kind to your friends and others.
4 sorry for the yap sessions guys
💗🌙💗🌙💗🌙💗🌙💗🌙💗🌙💗🌙💗🌙💗
#old tumblr#rant post#personal rant#sorry for the rant#writers on tumblr#2014#girl interrupted syndrome#girlblogging#girlhood#2014 grunge#american horror story#coquette#effy stonem#living-dead-girlllll#evan peters#2014core#2014 vibes#runaway#2014 aesthetic#2014 indie#fyp#2014 tumblr#2014 girl#2014 revival#2010s tumblr#2016 tumblr#random rants#vents#personal vent#vent post
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ok i was waiting until my laptop got here to finally tell all the bullshit thats happened in the last like. 5 months lol. cause its a lot to type
im gonna put it all under the cut so no one has to read if they dont want. its a LONG fucking story.
tl;dr:
ok so for basic background, for the last two years or so, i was living with a roommate in connecticut. the roommate was my (now former) best friend since middle school. in july of this year his behavior totally shifted, and he started picking fights with me out of nowhere, told our high school friends a bunch of straight up lies abt me to make me look like a horrible roommate & person, and just generally became a two-faced dickhead. in the end, it turned out to all be excuses to justify his decision to move out (unofficially, name was still on the lease) so that he could live with his boyfriends and not pay any bills. at the time i was really devastated by this bc i felt totally betrayed by this person i had been close to since i was 12/13, but frankly after everything else that happened i barely fucking think about it now LMAO. this is set dressing more than anything else
so anyway, i had been living alone since about august, that was the last time i saw him in person. i wasnt handling the situation well because i had spoken to my high school friend and found out the extent to which hed tried to paint me as a slovenly, horrible roommate, to the point of telling actual lies about really dumb stuff (which didnt work btw - my friends, god bless them, were more concerned about my mental health than anything and thought i was going down a depression spiral, which my former friend told them he was helping me through. they believed me right away once we finally did talk). all that is to say, i was going kind of crazy lol, and i decided to go back home in october just for a short while, to recharge my batteries and all.
i was gone for a couple of weeks, not very long. i felt MUCH better after being with my family & friends in person, as i felt pretty isolated from everyone (my hometown is in new york, i was only 2 hours away by train but scheduling times to visit was sort of a hassle, so i only did it once every couple months). my grandfather and mom dropped me off at my apartment in early november, we were very lighthearted and discussing my next steps, since my shithead friend had been behind on rent more than 5 times (i always paid my half on time) and i was facing eviction because of it. we get to my apartment, i go to open the door, and it wont open. not that its locked, it just straight up WONT open. my grandpa tried to ram the door with his shoulder, and nothing. hes a strong ass dude, and this door wouldnt budge for anything.
my mom managed to get the kitchen window open and climb in that way, and it took both her and my grandpa pulling/pushing at the same time to force the door open. i wont even dress this up: there was mold. fucking. everywhere. on the floor, on the walls, all over everything i owned. i have pictures (had to take them for insurance) and im not even going to show them because they are beyond fucking disgusting. everything i owned was soaked in water and mold, and i do literally mean EVERYTHING. it was very warm in there too, like the temperature of a swamp. i was in a haze after that. i just remember sobbing, like genuinely heartbroken sobbing, as i wandered around looking at everything that was ruined. my mom & grandpa had to go and get maintenance because i was just utterly useless, and they were equally horrified & said they'd never seen anything like it.
i managed to save some items that were irreplaceable (journals, notebooks, etc) and whatever clothes werent utterly soaked in mold. all of my cookware, my books, my laptop & desktop (i cried the hardest when i saw the desktop) - it was all ruined. we found out later that the water boiler in my apartment had a catastrophic failure while i was gone, which caused it to constantly send water back through the pipes, empty, and refill itself. my bedroom was directly above the boiler downstairs, so it got the most significant amount of damage. all told, i lost like 95% of the things i owned. it is possible that i could have saved more, but the amount of mold in that apartment made it a genuine safety hazard for me to even be in there, so i had very limited time to grab what i could. the cruelest irony of all that? my shithead ex-friend's room, which was on the other side of the hallway, was pretty much untouched. he lost absolutely nothing lol.
so immediately, i had to leave the state. i moved back to ny with my family. my mother - who had a stroke last year following a diagnosis of an exceedingly rare neurological disorder, AND had two separate brain surgeries to improve her quality of life - was in the process of getting evicted. the landlord didnt give a fuck about any of my moms situation, not her being disabled, not her being widowed, not her having 3 kids under the age of 18 to care for - he just wanted her out so he could increase the cost of rent on our house. at the same time as all this was going on, i got saddled with a $600 electric bill (likely caused by the water heater's malfunction), which neither insurance nor the apartment would pay, so it came out of my pocket. in addition, i found out in december that i was also getting laid off.
we had nowhere to go and couldnt afford to live anywhere in the tri-state area. we had no choice but to move somewhere much cheaper, and since my mom already had a friend living in a mid-atlantic state, we chose to move there. the eviction went through in january and we had less than 2 weeks to pack all our shit, find a place to live, and get the fuck out. needless to say, we were not successful lol.
we stayed in my grandparents 1 bedroom apartment for about a week, then all of us drove down together to stay with my moms friend in her 3 bedroom apartment (she has 5 kids, 3 of whom live in the apartment). my moms apartment, which was supposed to have been ready by january 31st, still had people actively living there. the property manager kept promising us it would be next week for the entire month of february, to the point that my mom got fed up and chose to rent a small house instead. the reality of being essentially homeless for that time was beyond horrifying, and having anywhere between 8-10 people in that house (my cousin also moved with us, but he stayed in a hotel for the first week) was more taxing than i can express.
but things have gotten a lot better since then. i also found a cute little house to rent just up the road from my moms, and its very cheap for its size. i still havent found a job yet, but thanks to what was essentially the liquidation of everything i owned, ill be ok for a couple months more. im slowly but surely repurchasing all the things i lost and trying to acclimate to the new environment. things are still not totally stable right now, but they are slowing down, and at this point thats all i can really ask for lol.
so yeah. if u were wondering why i suddenly stopped posting after literal years of posting every day, thats why LMAO
#dark lord saltine#ik this is a massive overshare but fuck it#lifes been fucking hard lol#i have legit been saying ''everything happens so much'' since this all kicked off lmao#its sort of the family motto at this point
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Okay... That was... an episode. Damn, I forgot how much stuff they could put in these 😅
Okay um, well first, minus one point for inserting Tonsillitis in the Christopher birthday scene. Wtf, why was he there? It was so jarring. Also why make it seem like it was gonna be Christopher at home instead of over a video call? And then you make Eddie watch as his mom talks about how happy Christopher is without him and how she and his dad are thinking about getting a pool because Christopher loves the water so much, AND THEN KEEP THE CALL GOING BUT DONT BOTHER TO BRING THE CAMERA AS PEOPLE START TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY???? WTF GUYS??? WHY DID YOU MAKE HIM SIT THOUGH THAT??? They couldn't even have his mom "accidentally" hang up as she was rushing over? They had to make him SIT and WATCH as his son celebrated his birthday without him... Guys... Why...
Actually -2 points for temu and for the scene being unnecessarily cruel to Eddie
Um... I'm trying to remember cause I legit forgot how full these episodes can be lol.
OH!!! ATHENA PLOT!!!
Okay, I was confused about why she said yes to helping the guy who killed her fiance but as I was going through my notifs, an anon told me "She didn’t say yes, the feds forced her to since that was the only way he’d agree to testify". Which I remember hearing and then promptly forgot because I just kept thinking "what if she said no anyway?" I kept thinking that because they never really gave her a "do this or else" thing. There was no... threat? Like I get the guy said he wouldn't testify if Athena didn't help him, but what if she said "Well I guess he won't be testifying then. Not my problem, this has fuck all to do with me and I want no part in it" Then what? Am I the only one thinking like this? They never showed Athena having her arm twisted or her hands tied (figuratively). I'm genuinely curious about what would've happened if she said no. I get they want the dude to testify but if she really said "No, I'm too emotionally involved with this case, I can't help you"... then what? I'm just saying a line or two about her being on desk duty, or she'd be suspended for a while if she refused wouldn't have hurt.
-1 point
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT AN AWESOME IDEA!!! THE EPISODE IS CALLED BUZZKILL RIGHT? WHAT IF ITS CALLED THAT BECAUSE YES THE BEES,
BUT WHAT IF IT'S ALSO BECAUSE THE BUZZSAW KILLED CAPTAIN DICKWEED??? 😃😃😃😃😃
Dude holy fuck, if that's the case I'm gonna laugh so hard and give this episode a point back 😂😂😂
OMG speaking of bees, MINUS ONE POINT FOR HOW STUPID THE KID WAS!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!
You're on the phone with 911 and they're telling you not to swat at the bees because it'll make them angry and you could get stung, AND AS THEY'RE SAYING THIS YOU CONTINUE TO SWAT AT THEM???? BRUH????
A L S O !!!
If you're allergic to bees, YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THIS???? The kid said she either got stung before or she's used her epi before, which would mean she would've had to have gotten stung or else she wouldn't have needed it. IF YOUVE BEEN STUNG BEFORE YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT NOT TO DO SO THE BEES DONT GET ANGRY AT YOU AND STING YOU CAUSE YOU'RE LITERALLY ALLERGIC???? If you're allergic to something, you usually research it to make sure you avoid the thing you're allergic to at all costs! Everyone knows, or should know, if a bee is flying near you, just leave it alone or try to stay still. It may land on you and crawl around a bit, but you shouldn't freak out cause that could upset it and make it sting you.
Bee fact!: Bees don't sting people for no reason. Mainly because when they sting, it kills them! When they leave behind their stingers it literally rips out their heart so it can keep pumping the bee venom into whatever they stung, and it releases chemicals that not only make you swell up, but alerts other bees that you are a threat that needs to be dealt with. Bees don't sting all willy-nilly like that, you're thinking of asshole wasps or hornets.
The fact that so far the bees were passive to the mom and the kid but the kid was freaking the fuck out and not listening and ended up slapping herself in the face to squish the bee instead of just closing her eyes and scrunching up tight is such bullshit. AND DONT TELL ME SHE WASNT THINKING CLEARLY BECAUSE OF ADRENALINE OR WHATEVER!!!! You're gonna tell me she wasn't thinking clearly enough to literally just close her eyes and hold still, but she could concentrate at a high enough level to inject her mom with the rest of her epi pen? Yeah, okay. Sure. I definitely believe you. This is my believing face 😑
-2 points cause writing all that down actually pissed me off with how absurd it was
At least the mom one was believable (lol bee-lievable) cause she's thinking "oh good, my daughter is fine now, she's breathing again, I can finally relax- what the heck is this thing crawling on my neck- oh crap that's right, we're in a car full of bees". They could've made it so someone outside bumped into the car and they rocked inside the car and the kid accidentally rocks onto a bee, squishing it a little. Not enough to kill it but enough to make it upset and sting her. That would've been better cause the bump or whatever could've been from Captain Dickweed's poor leadership.
... anything else???
Mmm... That's all I can think of for right now, I'd have to rewatch the episode to remember anything else. If I do think of something I'll post it later, but those are my thoughts!
5/10 for the first episode of season 8. Not good, but not bad either... Perfectly mid (unless I remember something else that changes my mind lol)
I forgot how fun this was! See y'all next week 😘✨
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why is it so bad for me to like.. not.. like bullying just because the world is cruel?
my mom sees me as a smartass. i dont understand why. all i did was 'argue' against her (add my opinion in opposition to hers).
like, my brother says how he called a girl a dumpling hair or whatever? AND MY MOM ENCOURAGED IT.
so i obvi told her, "this is bullying." her argument was basically "thats the world. the world is cruel." and i told her "you must be the change you see in the world, you shouldn't just endure whatever because 'that's just the way the world works'." and shes like "ohoho, i'm enduring, alright." and "when you were getting bullied, you say anything? no. you didnt. you endured it." and.. oh my god, am i tired.
just because i endured it doesnt mean thats what youre meant to do. (i told her this, and she was just like "yeah yeah okay")
the reason i endured it is BECAUSE i would get bullied more. raise a child who wouldn't bully worse if 'tattle-taled' on. hell-- raise a child who doesn't bully at all! does she not see the fault in her ways? why must she encourage this behavior?
when i was getting bullied, i remember my mom saying how she'll suspend the bullies or whatever.
she didnt. i told her not to.
wanna know why i did that? because the bullying would only get worse.
(sorry, this part is repetitive. im keeping it because i dont want to change stuff and possibly leave out something.)
i think my mom is a yesman.
i cant win against her. i get that "oh youre not supposed to win an argument, merely come to a mutual understanding" but oh my god. i just want her to see my point of view. shes such a brick wall. im so tired. whenever i have a good point, she is just sarcastic and yet she tells me to stop being sarcastic?
althouh i am aware its not literally genetic -- you are a mosaic of everybody you once knew (stole that from pinterest), and i don't think she realizes how much of her glass reflects.
i'm more like her than she realizes and i'm so scared of that.
anyways -- only when i'm done crying does she say "oh, [brother's (the bully) name], don't call people's hair a dumpling!" and.. the way she had to be confronted to say that is so wrong..
im so tired. i dont want to endure the world anymore. i dont want to change the world by being kind anymore. sure, i did once, but what's even the use when people like this exist?
"oh, but Mercy, she's your mother!" does.. that matter? this isnt even trauma this is anger. im typing this out of rage and frustration and i've honestly bitten my nails off already so what else can i do? i know nobodys going to see this. nothing even matters anymore.
honestly, if this is the way the world works then i want no part of it. i might just leave.
(no, i'm not being dramatic and i'm not planning on 'leaving' (a euphemism) BECAUSE of this.. conversation.. (can't call it an argument because.. i 'should never argue with my mom because she's my mother'. (also, i'm not saying you should ALWAYS argue with your mom over everything, only when there is wrong or it's for the better) (please excuse this take and how foul it sounds and all the loopholes im so sad about being misunderstood)) alone but this is always her. if im not agreeing with her, i'm always the one wrong. i have learned i will never be a good person. not just in these interactions-- in everything! in school, in relationships, hell, what can't i do wrong? anyways, that's why i want to 'leave'.)
and i am showing mercy. she makes this snarky remark about how "ohoho, you go by Mercy online, right? have mercy!! you hypocrite.". she doesnt understand the meaning behind my words. at all. she takes everything face-value. she either acts stupid (NOT CALLING HER STUPID. IM SAYING SHE IS FEIGNING IGNORANCE AND UNKNOWING.) or she genuinely does not understand one thing. (AGAIN NOT CALLING HER STUPID. IM SAYING SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING AT HAND OFTEN.) (you might be asking; oh, mercy, but why don't you just say the parenthesis instead of these offensive words? and i answer: because these offensive words are the way i can best explain my feelings without making it wordy.)
i'm sorry if i come off as condescending for the clarification. i'm scared of being misunderstood. sorry for everything. please forgive me.
#tw cursing#tw mom mention#tw nail biting#tw sui ideation#actually autistic#i cry due to frustration#tw anger issues?#im dramatic.#i might be dramatic.#tw vent
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this may be very long but i want to explain in depth so u can understand my situation better so im sorry but here goes,
ill give u some info about myself first: im 18 i go to university and i spend most of my time there, i live with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. im not a touchy person, especially if im tired and spent my entire day studying. i care so much about certain people but im not good at showing it, and i dont exactly intend on changing this. i show my sister and my parents a lot of love and they know i love them but i can do this bc theyre family and i knoe our bonds are unbreakable no matter what.
ok so heres the situation, i want to be alone. i want to live on my own and im comfortable with not having many friends (i have some really good friends that moved for uni and i text them kinda often and i know our bonds are unbreakable) but im fine with not making more friends if its uncomfortable or whatever. but recently i think my boyfriend has noticed im distancing myself from him, unintentionally, but i care a lot about how i do in university so im dedicating myself to it. i dont ever initiate anything with him (sexually or just touchy in general) but i never really have to be honest. yes at the beginning of our relationship i was younger and more carefree and our relationship was fun to me so i was more touchy but never very touchy.
he told me how he feels like i dont love him bc i never try to start anything with him and im always at school and i was kind of cold to be honest i told him i love him bc i dont want to break his heart and it is true, i do love him and i care so much about him but i dont want to be either him anymore. its just so hard bc we live together and we have cats together and gis family loves me i’ve visited them in florida (i live in canada) twice and we’re planning on visiting them again for Christmas. i dont know what he would do if we broke up. he would br incredibly hesrt broken and im genuinely worried he would k1ll himself bc his step dad is abusive and both his parents drink all the time and dont rlly care about him, he doesnt have many friends, just one that is always at work so he never sees him, and he has an online job so he never goes out. he does a lot for me tho. he cleans the apartment A LOT whenever im gone (im a clean freak) and he tells me im the most beautiful girl in the world, he touches me and hugs me and kisses me, tells me he missed me so much, tells me im his world and that he wants to look after me when we’re old, that he wants to have a daughter with me, he buys the groceries, cat stuff, hr buys me little random things he thinks ill like. he’s honestly a really amazing boyfriend. but i dont want a boyfriend. i cant tell him that tho. i want to talk to my mom about this and ask her advice but she thinks hes a low life bc he has an online job and doesnt go out, he has chronic back pain and has to take medication and he smokes weed everyday. she knows he takes really good care of me tho.
my sisters planning on moving in with us when shes done highschool (this school year) and i want to just live with her. i dont know what to do bc we have such a concrete relationship thats more serious than anything and we care about eachother so much. he loves out apartment, its the first place hes lived without an abusive family and hes so happy. im in such a bad situation in my head rn.
i understand ur concern but u always have to put urself first. and i think with having to asking me or ur mom or anyone else all ur looking for is for someone to validate ur feelings. u dont need anyones approval for this. u dont want to be with him then dont be. ur not his mom. the most u can do for him is have a talk with him, when u tell him ur decision, and try to orient him in life the best u can. however thats none of ur responsibility. if u fear he has no other relationships other than the one u two have u can tell him that. if u believe he should get a different job tell him. his life seems pretty bleak and lonely, and he copes by focusing on you. that isnt healthy. he should also look out for himself first and he should have bigger goals in life. a future with you or any other woman isnt a goal or achievement. all he does by telling u he wants to take care of u when u get old or have kids together is mentally trap u so you wont leave him. he cant be that weak. he needs to learn to be independent. and u already seem more than capable and independent, so if u want to live alone or with ur sister u should do so. its great that ur so focused on ur school. its ur life u should do with it what u want
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actually, if that very polite and not at all deranged karen anon thinks bro's fights with dave were abuse, do they also think dirk/brobot's battles with jake were abusive too or nah because dirkjake are soulmates4evur? and that one was even worse because jake said brobot touched him inappropiately and made him uncomfortable, so add sexual harassment to the list too. oh wait, jake is a man and toxic yaoiz, so nevermind his feelings don't matter, just like jade somehow raising herself since she was a toddler and having to do taxidermy with her dead grandfather's corpse doesn't either. like nuDave said, his friends were just whiny bitches, it's all about that strider self-insert manpain.
i bet baby dirk, who ALSO raised himself and did acrobatic pirouettes off of a building, orchestrated that too since birth with cal. evil son of a bitch. no apple juice in his baby bottle for a month.
and now that i think about it, how come john crocker/poppop didn't transition if june was always meant to be?... nevermind, that is also probably baby jane's fault too for killing him too early at the tender age of 86. add murderer, fascist AND transphobic to HER list of crimes.
omg i cant take it anymore! i dont want my very realistic, gritty, tonally mature and emotionally fulfilling comic be ruined by those beasts! someone stop these bigoted abusive emotionally manipulative babies please! I WARNED YOU ABOUT THOSE BABIES BRO! I TOLD YOU DAWG!
They probably don't think Dirk's brobot on Jake is abusive. Jane may have gone worse with the sexual harassment under the influence of the Juju and the tiaratop when mind controlled by HIC (before actually going on rape in Epilogues), Dirk was able to do it in a more indirect way with his robot and Auto Responder-HAL. Considering what we don't know much about how Alpha Bro Dave raised Dirk, it can be assumed Bro Dave might have been more neglectful of Dirk's feelings before he chose to go fight ICP and dying. Leaving Dirk left alone for himself from then on. The Bro Dave could be like the one we know, thinking of irony and whatnot. So add that personality in an adult form and you got a dude who can't be honest with himself and thinks bad shit is good and any genuine good stuff is bad. Yes, Bro Dave would try to do a good thing in fighting ICP so that HIC won't fully takeover, but it doesn't erase the fact he CHOSE to leave Dirk alone. It's not like Grandpa English, Grandma Harley, or Poppop John Egbert, where they died in accidents. He and Alpha Mom Rose Lalonde, CHOSE to leave their kids behind before the game started. Jane was just lucky to have Dad Crocker around. Poppop's death likely mirrors to Nanna's in that a meteor hit him when Jane and the other kids were sent from it, with Dad Crocker raising her as his daughter. Guess the fandom will think Jane is transphobic for accidentally killing him. But considering it was JOHN himself who sent the kids on the meteor in the first place to make it happen, does that mean he is killing himself in a sort of sense? That's not a good implication at all. Dirk and Dave are awful people, yet nobody calls them out on it.
#Dirk Strider#Jane Crocker#Jake English#Alpha Bro#Alpha Dave#Homestuck#HOM3STUCK#Homestuck 2#HS2#HS^2#Homestuck2#Homestuck^2#Homestuck Beyond Canon#HSBC
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can we get a fruit cult saga recap :0
yes sorry it took me so long to reply!
my ex gf (lemon) got me into the cult because she was like oh theres this funny groupchat im in can you join so a few days after she joined i did. at first it was all really funny and sweet and any red flags seemed like ill timed jokes? like they had a groupchat called THE PIT they would send you too but it felt so silly i didnt notice it was weird.
anyways after a few weeks i suddenly checked the gc at work and saw they were egging my girlfriend on who was on the roof of her office building. for context shes deathly afraid of heights. they kept telling her to jump or to scream at people down below and call them slurs. i was sure it was a bad bit until she posted photos and then i left work to go get her. i found her in the stairwell having a panic attack and talking about the "angels" and how she was hearing voices and stuff. genuinely terrifying stuff
i was out of my element so i just called my mom and asked her what to do and she said hospital ASAP so i drove my gf there. they didnt really take her seriously but kept her for about 72 hours but when they released her she dumped all her medicine and refused to take it. i forced her to for a bit but she was still acting weird so i gave up and was planning on leaving
then one night i ate some mushrooms she had forged and went CRAZY and ran out the house. i didnt get too far before my body rejected it and i puked and passed out. my gf thankfully had enough sense to take me to the hospital and we both had to get our stomachs pumped (awful, do not suggest) turns out for a while she had been misidentifying mushrooms and i had avoided dishes with it in it cause i hate mushrooms and never noticed.
so it seemed like really good at this point! we were dedicated together to making sure nobody else got hurt and we were going to transition the group chat into a much safer version with everyone getting help and such. i wanted to stop apple from hurting herself and others. then apple demoted lemon from her stupid rank (top rank was ring) and lemon LOST HER MIND. she was so upset it was all she talked about
then she threw another member under the bus to get promoted again and started acting really distant and weird. we stopped talking about how we were going to help them see the truth and get out of all the brain washing and more about if we believe in the fruit god (im an atheist and she knows this. this is important to me as a physicist too plus religious trauma)
then is started getting sick and after a few days i started acting and doing erratic stuff. i was fully aware it wasnt normal and called off work for a few days to figure it out. i was about to go to the dr when someone told me to check me food on here and lo and behold, the mushrooms again. she had been putting it in my food ON PURPOSE THIS TIME
the next morning after sleeping the shrooms off as much as i could i opened my phone to see she decided our apartment was OPEN TO ANYONE IN THE CULT. she was having the leader come LIVE WITH US! i had been given no time to know let alone consent. i paid half the rent and most the bills (she helped in other ways dw it was very 50/50) and i was just so upset and scared that i just said its over. i took my cat and most my stuff (left my furniture, there was no hope of moving it) and just moved in with a friend. thank god she had a spare room for an office she was willing to rent to me.
bcs i left now everyone in the cults really mad at me so i honestly just got overwhelmed and shut my phone off. i dont wanna text them for a few days tbh. it was just too much. especially this one guy called fig, they were just always so mean to me it made me cry several times. they kept trying to find ways to hurt me, including some ableist stuff about how i should do drugs even if i medically cant. some of their friends (shrimp and plum) also went out of there way to attack me and try and physiologically torture me. i felt so bad i just shut my phone off
honestly at this point idk the benefit to trying to be anyones friend in this cult. idk why im even trying to help them. i feel used and abused. i feel VERY abused. i dont know. lifes hard
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i know this is on my new account so i dont have a lot of my followers here yet, but i will be reblogging this post on all of my blogs i have. life update, whatever you want to call it. heart failure, sickness, hospital, surgery and just death stuff in general.
in november, my dad collapsed in the house and had to go to the er by ambulance. he’s been dealing with heart failure for years, had open heart surgery back in like 2010, and had a defibrillator put in. he’s never gone back in to have the defibrillator batteries replaced and his heart has been getting worse over the years with age. in november, we finally were able to convince him to have the surgery to do that. it went great!! his heart started to work a little better and catching up with his body. last week, my mom called me to say that he couldn’t breathe, and she convinced him to go back to the hospital via an ambulance again. it’s not good. his liver is failing. both his kidneys are failing. so everything your kidneys are supposed to filter out is just sitting in his body. he has had a breathing tube down his throat for almost a week and they have to take it out soon or it’s going to cause permanent damage or they’re going to have to put a permanent one in, which he’s already said no to. he’s stable, but he’s stable because the machines he’s on are doing all the work for his body right now. my sister is down there with my family ( they live in another state ) and my job basically told me to go fuck myself as far as going down there right now. it’s not good, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better. he's conscious, but with the breathing tube in his throat he can only answer yes or no questions. again, my sister is down there, but me and my sister both know that he doesn't want to live on life support and stuff like that. on top of that, there's the problem with what to do with our mother. me and my sister are not close to her, we do not care about her, we've been trying to go no contact but haven't because we love our dad. she's never worked a day in her life, and is completely useless in literally everything. once something happens to my dad, we have no idea what the fuck to do with her. and everytime she calls me to update me on my dad's condition, she immeditely makes it about herself when we've told her this was coming years ago. she should have figured something out. i'm not using the money i make to take care of a grown 44 year old fucking woman. i’m completely helpless in the situation, and i’ve never lost a family member i knew or was close to before, let alone a parent. it is hard to exist, let alone be online. i see my notifications of tumblr and discord and i’m sorry if it looks like i’m ignoring you or something but i genuinely do not have the energy for anyone except my partners right now. i’m trying so hard to figure out a way to go do down there ( probably for a funeral because it doesn’t look like he’s going to make it to the end of the year ) without loosing my job because i do not have an immediate new job to set up to go to. it would be different if i needed time off to go to a funeral in the same state, but its in another state, so money and travel time. in the end, if they’ve got a problem with me going to my father’s funeral, i will be quitting my job as well. which we all know how the job search is, and the financial strains on households as it is. im barely getting up enough in the morning to go to work in retail without having a breakdown of the stuff going on. so this is that update. please don’t expect much from me right now.
#& out of character /#& update /#tw; sickness#tw; hospital mentions#whatever you need me to tag this i dont know.
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not re related but i’ve been having a rough time… this happened almost a year ago but last year in august, it was senior year (i still remember the exact date and time it happened) but two of my best friends cut me off cuz they said i had a lot of problems.. and no joke cried until 3 in the morning. it was so hard seeing them everywhere at school, i literally cried every week bc my heart hurt so bad just from seeing them. even though our friendship lasted 6 months (6 months with one of them, the other 2 years) we talked every day, literally every day, hung out almost every week and had a sleepover every month, so when they cut me off, i felt like a piece of my heart fucking tore in half.
then during the 2nd semester of senior year, i became classmates (not even friends) with the person i knew for 2 years and i admit i was REALLY happy. but a part of me thought she was doing it out of pity, keep in mind i still cried every week because of how bad it hurt. and then on our last day of school, i finally did the thing that hurt me the most and blocked their instas and delete all of our gcs and messages, and all of our photos. 700 photos of them. and i cried for hours on end. it hurt so bad.
and at graduation i saw one of them, and we talked for a bit. but it still hurt so bad. i thought i wouldn’t be so hung up over them but i still am it hurts.. and like the thing is, i thought we’d be a friend group throughout our senior year and maybe even college but it still hurts… and like i want to forget them but i genuinely can’t. :(
ALSO IM SORRY FOR RANTING I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST CUZ MY MOM’S NO HELP AT ALL- like my little cousin asked me what happened between them and i started crying and so she got my mom AND MY MOM TOLD ME TO STOP CRYING, SAYING IT HAPPENED A WHILE AGO. i was just like 😀😀
hi my love! first of all, no need to apologise, we all need a good rant once in a while. i'm so sorry this happened to you :( no one deserves to be abandoned like that! did they ever elaborate on what they meant by problems? because unless those problems were affecting them, it's terrible that they just cut you off like that! especially since you knew one of them for 2 years, and spoke with them everyday.
i think it's the fact that you never got closure that's got you hung up over the whole thing. but now that you've blocked them on ig and deleted the gc, it means you're ready to move on! right?
i had a similar situation with a close friend of mine. we stopped talking (my fault, not hers), but i was hung up over it for YEARS. but because i knew i was in the wrong and i missed her. i did apologise but things didn't go back to the way it was - which is fine, because again, it was my fault.
we were still in each other's close friends list on ig and because i was seeing her every day on ig, it made it difficult for me to move on. like i kept wishing she would reply to my stories or wish me happy birthday. which never happened. so...i muted her. and the less i saw of her, the busier i got with other stuff like work etc, the easier it was to forget! to move on!
out of sight, out of mind.
so if you're ready to let the past go and move on, then im telling you from first hand experience that it will get better! let yourself feel what you feel, grieve your friendship (release all of what could've been), but know that you will feel better one day!
(but if you still want closure, it's a whole different thing so lmk. i got closure in my own way.)
anyway, you're allowed to feel sad about it doesn't matter what people think.
because i do get it, wanting to have a friend group to go through an important part of your life with. with people you have many memories with. unfortunately, not everyone is as lucky :( (me included, i never had that!).
but you'll have more chances in the future! (but also, it's okay even if you don't have that!) (it's okay to be alone) (but i dont want you to feel lonely) (life is complicated).
disclaimer that i'm not a licensed to give advice just a deeply flawed person that cares about you, and i hope that you can find your smile again one day <3
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