#bruce hates bruce

[helga-heason]

Letter #8

Dear Selina,

I hope this finds you well. I’ve been running around Gotham for the last week or so in a way Gordon has termed ‘like a bat out of hell’ - and I suppose he isn’t wrong - because of this weird new alliance that the Danger Twins (the Joker and the Riddler) have formed. I’m writing this in a brief moment of serenity. Arkham is quiet for the first time in my living memory, but that’s… Not good. If it’s quiet, those two are up to something. Knowing now what the Riddler is like, he probably has a good deal of schematics in his cell for ridiculously convoluted and messed up death traps - that the Joker is probably helping him with.

I fear that I may end up going too far in my search for answers; chasing my own tail down a road best left untravelled, breaking my wings in a box too small to contain them. No-one knows how deep the rabbit hole goes, but once you find that out, you’re beyond the point of no return. There’s no way back when you know how far the rabbit hole goes. I feel like I’m already dancing that thin line, caught in the nail-biting anguish of a bleeding city and the anger and hatred of the Gotham poor; of the rogues who take matters into their own hands. I see now that I cannot do this alone, but who would work with me? The few other vigilantes that operate in this city are afraid of me, and why shouldn’t they be? I’ve spent the past few years hammering fear into the hearts of the petty criminals. That sort of thing can’t be undone in a hurry. I can’t ask you to join me. Not again. Not when you have a life where you are now. Not when you almost died last time we worked together. Not when some sort of affection for you threatens to break the Batarang off my chest with how hard my heart beats.

It’s not really a thing for me to go and check up on people, but I did a few days ago. I went to check on both Bella Reál and Oz… And the mayor was so much more pleasant. She has an odd thing against Bruce Wayne - I mean, who doesn’t - but she’s a surprisingly good conversationalist. She has aspirations and dreams and goals to help this city. If only the council would stop blocking her efforts… Even I have a thing against Bruce Wayne… And I am Bruce Wayne! I spent a while talking with Bella about various different things, and she asked me if it was possible for me to work with a few of the scattered Gotham vigilantes and Gotham PD to try and clean up the city and start removing the corruption, bit by bit. I snorted and said that I’m not the kind of person you employ, while the other vigilantes probably don’t work for free. She said that was fair enough, sounded pretty wistful, and said it had been a nice conversation and she hoped we could have another at some point. I agreed. And, don’t worry, neither of us meant it in a way that would be considered socially inappropriate.

Oz, however… He’s an annoying bastard, alright? For some reason - somehow - he is even more of a pain in the ass when you’re there on a social visit. I told him I wasn’t there to ‘bust his balls’, and he took it as an invitation to immediately start mocking me over the fact I have a cat. He said I was pining over you so hard that I’d somehow materialised a cat into my life who is oddly similar to you. He’s out of line… But he is somewhat correct. I didn’t materialise her, I found her outside of your old apartment, though it’s true that I did decide to take her in and adopt her in your honour. Because, yeah, I’m pining. I told Alfred about this conversation with Oz and he said, in what you’d probably call a ‘disapproving dad tone’, “oh, my heart, it bleeds.”. I’ll remind him of this next time I catch him trying to teach Robin how to shake hands - or paw, in her case.

That tomcat won’t stop sniffing around the Batcave. Robin isn’t in the slightest bit interested as far as I can tell, but the tomcat is insistent. I considered the possibility that it was just super… Horny, but for a whole month? I think it’s just obsessed with someone or something. What it’s obsessed with, though, is beyond me. If not Robin, then what? Robin is doing great, oddly. I’m really not the most competent pet owner - for god’s sake, I can’t even look after a plant without it dying - but Robin is… Thriving. Maybe all she needed was someone just as lonely as her to keep her company. I admit I wasn’t too keen on her at first and only took her in because it didn’t feel right to leave her to starve, but… She has definitely grown on me. Not to be dramatic, but I’d die for this cat. It’s nice waking up to her pressed against my side, on the very rare occasion I sleep or when I pass out. It almost feels like it’s her way of telling me that it’ll be OK, that at least someone is here for me and that she has faith in me. God, I’m not even 33 yet and I’m super sentimental. Over a cat. Over a goddamn cat. Once again, I blame you for this.

I think I’ll leave it here. Asylum staff are coming back from a check around the building, I’ll have another meeting with them and Gordon in a few minutes. I hope you’re well. Please don’t come back. Please. For your own safety, at least until we’ve gotten this sorted out.

Yours, always, the Bat(man) - and Robin the cat.

[farshootergotme]

Damian can't use the "you're not my dad" card with Bruce so he instead says "you're not my Batman". It works like a charm.

[batcavescolony]

*Talia visiting Damian*

Talia: Damian, how are you? *glares at Dick*

Damian: I am doing well mother

Dick: *from behind him* *mouthing: why the fuck are you here?*

Talia: oh that's great! I see you have a new pet? *Mouthing back: to see MY son*

Damian: this is Haley, Grayson's dog, she's staying with me while he goes on a mission.

Dick: *flipping Talia off where Damian can't see* yep, he's so good with animals

Talia: I'm aware *throws a knife at him*

Dick: *throws it back*

[starspilli]

dc cowboy doodles & wips !

[ditzybat]

steph: why did duke just deck green lantern in the middle of the street, in civvies?

tim: they have beef

steph: cool, ten bucks says duke wins

jason: twenty says this becomes a meme 'random highschooler beats the shit out of justice league member' and hal wont show his face in gotham again

tim: forty, bruce will buy him a car for humiliating hal out of gotham

[haveihitanerve]

My favorite thing about the bats is that… they are gothamites. And sure they scare the shit out of people… but they are in Gotham. Superman is loved by his people, Flash is adored, people pray to Wonder Woman, Green Arrow is feared. But the Bats? The Bats are like all of Gotham's weird older brothers/sisters/parents. Superman and Green Lantern are visiting Batman in Gotham and all of a sudden he gets smacked in the face by a banana and they turn and find a group of teens skateboarding away and one kid calls over his shoulder ‘eat the fucking potassium you absolute brick.’ and Batman doesn't even do anything. Barry is chilling with Nightwing when a girl runs beneath the building they are sitting on and screams “Nice ass Night! But get it the fuck down here, my cats stuck in a tree.” And Nightwing does a flip off the building and just?? helps her?? Wonder Woman and Black Canary are passing through Crime Alley on their way to the Batcave and spot Red Hood standing in an alley, being lectured by a woman who is half his size and she ends the lecture by throwing two sandwiches at his face and walking away. Red Hood just takes his hood off and starts eating. Superboy is helping Red Robin defeat Scarecrow and while they’re hiding, waiting for him to walk into their trap, RR is casually conversing with a Gothamite about Hogwarts Houses, and when he says the Gothamite looks like a Gryfindor he pops his head out and screams “Yo scarecrow hes right fucking here!” J’onn is heading to the Manor to discuss League business with Bruce when he spots Robin(Damian) fighting Riddler all alone and is about to intervene when three teenagers show up and just fucking deck him instead. Damian doesn't thank them, just glowers, and one of the guys goes “you're welcome you fucking brat.” And the girl even smacks the back of his head and goes “manners.” Clark is sent to go find Tim and Steph and Damian and finds them at this girls birthday party, in full costume, eating cupcakes and drinking punch, jumping on the bouncy house and is like “errr, B-Batman needs you home.” And as one the entire birthday party group went “Fuck Batman.” Spoiler was spotted painting these guys nails, Black Bat was seen teaching calculus to a group of teenagers, Batgirl(Babs) was running after a group of kids screaming “Give me back my laptop you fucks!” Just- just the batfamily and Gothamites being annoying to each other and appreciative yet bitches. 

Bus driver: stop getting thrown at my fucking bus, i got places to be and my insurance only covers so many shatter windshields and person sized dents  Batman: I don't really control where I get thrown Bus Driver: well you better fucking start otherwise theres gonna be another fucking villain on these streets *drives away and almost runs him over* Superman: *gaping* yo-you're just gonna let him do that? Batman: *shrugs* Gotham insurance aint what its cracked up to be Superman: *staring dumbly*

[fanaticalthings]

While I do find it funny that henchmen in Gotham probably warn each other about the Red Hood because he's a bat who will actually kill you. I think it would be better if Jason was actually seen as some sort of savior or idol to like 90% of the goons scattered around Gotham. Doesn't matter who they work for, they all know Jason, former crime-lord that took over majority of Gotham's underground in one night.

---

Jason, years after the events of UTRH, now fighting crime alongside the batfam, except every goon he runs into immediately recognizes him, stops fighting, and starts begging.

the first time it happens, Jason assumes they're begging for their lives only to hear them begging for him to return to the crime lord business so they can work for him and not Gotham's current money-stingy, abusive rogues (Black Mask lol)

---

Jason showing up to patrol as backup for Dick in an overrun warehouse full of Two-Face's henchmen and as Jason's about to interfere, one of the men stops dead in their tracks and stares really hard at Jason until:

Goon: Oh my God, boss, is that you?

Jason, pulling out his guns, about to shoot:

Goon: Mr. Hood, sir???

Jason, halfway about to pull the trigger: Wait a min–Jeremy? Oh wow, it's been ages! How's the wife?

Goon (Jeremy): Oh my God it IS you, holy shit where have you BEEN? Me and the guys miss you, man!

Dick, with a knife at his throat: What is happening right now

Jason: Ahh, well, crime-lording just wasn't fitting in on the daily schedule. Tryna turn over a new leaf and all that

Goon (Jeremy): Aw, that's disappointing. We really liked working for you, right guys?

[Chorus of enthusiastic "YEAHS" from the rest of the henchmen (even the one holding Dick at knifepoint)]

Goon (Jeremy): Well, anyways, I can't beat you up knowing you're my old boss! You gave us the best health benefits! We'll just let you take the evidence and leave.

Jason: Aw, thanks guys :)

---

And that's why 95% percent of Jason's missions in Gotham end in success. Not because he's willing to kill people or because rogues are terrified of him, but because 90% of the rogues' henchmen once worked for Jason and fuckin love him lol.

[gothamite-rambler]

That was actually a good deed, Jason.

Jason Todd walked over to Bruce Wayne scrolling through photos on his phone. He tapped the man on the shoulder.

Jason: You want baby pictures of Damian?

Bruce spat out his coffee in shock. Jason chuckled.

Jason: You have to pay me.

Bruce (frantic): You better not be lying to me because if you have baby pictures of him I will pay you whatever price you ask.

Jason: Um okay I have about 10 I can give you now so $10,000 for each one.

Bruce: Stay there, gotta get my phone and I'll transfer the funds to your bank account.

Bruce ran out of the room leaving Jason Todd with Alfred watching the entire interaction, impressed.

Alfred: Jason, how did you get baby pictures?

Jason: Remember, I knew about his existence before Bruce ever did. I visited the kid for the first 9 years before Bruce found out about him. Talia paid me to take photos of him for memories.

Alfred: That's very wholesome of you.

Jason (confused): I said Talia paid me.

Alfred: Money or not, you did a good deed. Now Master Bruce can have a few photos and trust me, he's been begging Talia for baby pictures for years. Be proud of yourself.

Jason smiled.

Jason: I appreciate you saying that.

Alfred: I mean every word of it. You're welcome.

[bbbbbbbbatman]

Gotham has so many rogues and most of them don’t actually cause that much trouble in the grand scheme of things, so other than the really big ones, like joker, news about Gotham rogues can get pretty muddled outside the city which leads the JL to believing that Batman and Manbat are the same person and that their colleague sometimes turns into a giant bat monster but they don’t bring it up bc they think it’s a sensitive topic

Which eventually leads to a scenario like this mid combat when they’re getting pretty desperate:

Green Lantern: I know we’re not supposed to talk about it or whatever, but it would be really helpful if you could turn into a giant bat right now, spooky

Batman, having zero context for this comment, pausing mid fight to look at Hal like he just grew a second head: What the fuck are you talking about, Jordan?

Green Lantern, suddenly much less confident: Um…you know how you…turn into a giant bat?

Batman, utterly bewildered, turning to the other members but finding that he is clearly the only one out of the loop: what is happening right now

[hehether]

Reverse! AU where most of them don't have no killing code, and Jason is a priest 🧍‍♂️

Vampire king Dick's dad was Edward Cullen Battinson trust me

[arguablysomaya]

this picture is pretty funny because bruce is destroying slade but my guy ur expensive ass home is this only thing keeping u from being in the exact same position 😭

[trashmakerarticle]

Everyone thinks that dick was the golden child when in reality it was Jason.

Clark: Bruce who was your favourite robin?

Dick: obviously it’s me?

Tim: it’s dick

Damian: I am superior robin, it will be me.

Bruce: it’s Jason

Everyone: WHAT?!?!???

Bruce: why are you so surprised? He didn’t jump on too my chandeliers which I had to replace each week

*everyone looks at dick*

Bruce: he didn’t drop out of school

*everyone looks at tim*

Bruce: I didn’t have to stop him from killing everyone who annoyed him

*everyone looks at Damian*

Bruce: in fact, he enjoyed school and handed all his homework in on time, we would spend hours in the library reading his favourite classics. He even helped Alfred with most of the cooking, He was my little boy

Jason: stop spreading lies, I hate you go away

Bruce: my precious little boy

[rock-in-robins]

"Tim feels abandoned" "he's being ignored" "tim is jealous of the attention they give damian" "tim is-" tim drake would break out into actual literal hives at the thought of anything resembling an adult monitoring him, he'd starting hissing like a feral cat if Bruce tried to get involved with his business, he'd saw his own arm off if his family tried to demand he checks in more than once a month with heavily coded messages

[dragonpyre]

Crack idea: Jason Todd gets all dressed up one day for smth and styles his hair and everything. Immediately gets mistaken for Bruce.

He cries in the bathroom for an hour

[acid-ixx]

a loving family, an unpalatable desire

reblogs and interactions are encouraged and appreciated.

a/n: would anyone hear me out if i ever wrote romantic yan! bruce (ft. platonic yan! batfam AND romantic yan clark kent alongside the superfam ofc) with a neglected spouse reader... because uhm, i've been thinking about it lately just yk... so anyways PLSPLSPLS send in asks about this, ive been thinking about it so much lately.

imagine wanting to raise a family so badly with a man who adopts problem children as a side hustle. you're not some invasive spouse, you've always been good, always been loving, so... so accepting, never questioned where or how he picked them up from the side of the streets, never once complaining about the hickeys on his neck or the once neat tussles of his hair now tangled accompanying lipstick stains on his white suit.

you love your children, you tell yourself all the time. you love them, you love bruce— even if he doesn't love you. you said it in your vows, despite it being scripted, despite your family finally sighing in relief in the sidelines at finally being able to sell you off to one of the wealthiest man in the world, rather than being wasting off under their care— your vows are real.

you wanted someone to love you, unconditionally, so viscerally eternal that it eats you up.

really, all you wanted was to play that fantasy life of trophy house spouses. all you wished for was a loving, healthy relationship. the american dream: the picture perfect family frames, your husband kissing you on the cheek as he leaves for work, your children bickering at the dining room, with the scent of homemade meals wafting about the vicinity. all you wanted was the warmth in your chest to flicker like candlelights. all you dreamed about was that domestic life, an escape from the abusive household you were raised in.

yet the manor is too cold, too unforgiving for a soul such as yours.

the longer you stay inside claustrophobic, yet oh-so large hallways, the quicker you drown in a neverending pool of self-hatred.

but you're not allowed to show them your sufferings. they've been through much worse, you tell yourself. they've suffered more, and as what good spouses do, as what you're taught, you stay silent, enabling them to turn you into their own emotional punching bag.

you only allow yourself to cry at the dead of the night, under the sheets of your too-cold blanket and your too-hot pillows. when the manor is filled with deathly silence and a looming sense of dread and ill fitting thoughts of ifs and when they'll come back in one piece, will you grant yourself temporary respite; worry for a family who never even called you their parent.

yet you've always been so considerate. despite the pang in your chest every time bruce flirts with anymore potential love interest at a gala, you chose to instead monitor your chaotic children, who have always never bat an eye on you despite you always gazing lovingly at them.

you know of their interests, they don't know yours, yet you still give them extravagant gifts on their birthdays, with tired, yet glinting eyes, and a silent excuse to return to your room; one separate from bruce.

you know of bruce's hardships, but you don't push too hard, don't force him to talk, only provide him your silence and an offer to serve him dinner; all the time he refuses without looking at you. you give him comfort only if he ever allows you, only if he allows his walls to crumble— but not even his spouse can amount to a warm, crackling fireplace. to him, you're probably only a matchstick under the deadbeat glaze of the snow in a winter night.

maybe that's why you're such a ghost in the manor, stalking through the hallways, looking out for any of your children in case they come across you with any injuries. maybe that's why eventually your resolve weakened.

and maybe the absence of familial love led you to find comfort in another man's arm.

''til death do us part,' is such a tragic saying in your case, because you know it in your fragile heart that bruce's love for you was never alive in the first place. and yet you allow him to play you like a fiddle, allow him to slowly allow you to slip away from his nonexistent grasp.

and now, you're a stand-in parent for clark's son, jon, after the tragic loss of his wife. now, your world seems a lot less bleaker, as you play the fantasy of a loving house spouse, fully abandoning the life you left behind, a life you've never been gifted with until now. you want to feel guilty, you want to feel absolutely terrible but the heartache of neglect has become too much and all you do was allow clark to warm you up each night, kissing away your tears and spooning your deep-seated anxieties away.

you don't let the past eat you up, not when the present is too perfect, too freeing, too delusionally beautiful.

your son, jon provides you every joy a parent could have. parent's day gifts, heartfelt letters at every nook and cranny of your shared bedroom with clark— even reading him bedtime stories, allowing him to sleep in your lap after he slowly nods off, with clark knocking softly on polished wooden doors, greeting you with a loving kiss on the lips and a bouquet of your favorite flowers in hand—

it's everything a parent wants, needs even.

and you're everything clark, and especially jon wants, needs in their life.

so it's such a stupid mistake, really. a slip of the tongue, a too-enthusiastic smile, incredibly bright, shining eyes. it's not jon's fault, you still love him either way. but it's an error still— one a complicated matter at hand, so dreadful for you, that jon accidentally, all-too-suddenly, mentions you as his parent to damian.

a loving, wonderful parent, he says, with a picture of you in his wallet shoved right in front of his friend's face.

[frownyalfred]

thinking about how the Batkids must be SO tired of the Batman hero worship from the other Titans, JL members, sidekicks, etc. there's people literally falling over themselves to meet Batman in a Watchtower hallway, meanwhile they actually know Bruce, and Bruce just made them memorize backup codes to all of their major security systems in the Cave for three hours because Hal Jordan made an offhanded hacking joke at their League meeting earlier that day.