#batfamily texts

[stargazingdustbunny]

Batfamily group chat texts

Dick: What is time?

Tim: the measurable progression of a sequence of events

Jason: Humanity's attempt to organize and label the vast expanse of eternity in order to rectify the dissonance between our finite consciousness and the fathomless universes of existence.

Duke: a type of seasoning

Steph: @ tim did you just copy the first answer google gave you

Tim: no it was the second answer

Cass: @ jason is that a quote from something

Jason: @ cass No, I'm just that wise. ;)

Damian: @ jason What is that even supposed to mean?

Barbara: @ dick Are you okay?

Dick: What time is the gala? I meant to send "What time is the gala?"

[theofficialdailyplanet]

[dragonpyre]

Au where Jason is under the impression Talia told Bruce Jason was alive and just moves back to Gotham to get back to the life he missed. GED, college, part time job, etc. Runs into one of the bats at a coffee shop one day and is confused why they just fainted

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[everwalldigan]

Hear me out: Robin Dick would be the biggest Bruceman supporter and shipper.

This boy hates any of Bruce’s love interest with a passion because then his dad guardian spends less time with him and that’s obviously UNACCEPTABLE, SCANDALOUS even, so when rumours start circulating that Bruce Wayne is in a relationship with the Batman, he jumps right on the wagon.

Reporter, thirsty for a story: Mr Grayson what do you think about the rumours that Bruce Wayne is dating the Batman?

Dick: What do I think about my dads you mean? My very married very taken dads? My very faithful to each other plural dads?

He would fuel the rumours both as Robin and as Dick Grayson, punching criminals for talking bad about Wayne enterprises as Robin (“THAT’S MY STEPDADS COMPANY YOURE TALKING ABOUT!”). He would be on online forums all day talking about how Bruceman is the only Batman ship that makes sense and Doxxing people who disagree.

Bruce is so exasperated because this is happening at a time where only Alfred and Dick know his real identity so he can’t even do anything with ANYONE without making either Bruce Wayne or Batman look unfaithful.

Throw Reporter Clark Kent into the mix who has been sent to scope out the Bruceman story, who Bruce makes the mistake of flirting with at a gala. Both Clark AND dick are scandalised.

Dick, making a scene: HOW COULD YOU! BATMAN IS WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME AND YOURE HERE FLIRTING WITH SOME… SOME REPORTER??

Bruce, sighing: Dick-

Dick, tugging on Bruce’s suit and looking up at him with fake tears in his eyes: Dad, are you and dad getting a divorce? :(

Clark, panicking: NO NO THEYRE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE PLEASE DONT CRY

Meanwhile:

Bruce, crying in the corner: he called me dad

He would even go as far as insisting that Robin is his step sibling

Principal: how do you explain that whenever Robin is injured, Dick fails to show up at school the next day?

Dick: Robin and I are twins :) so when he’s injured I’m injured too and we have to stay home together!!

Bruce, whispering: I’m sorry, they’re not really twins but neither I or Bats have the heart to tell hem

[bruciemilf]

Bruce doesn’t know when violence stops being violence to him.

When he’s 4 years old, he pushes Oliver Queen off the swings, because it was his turn, and if talking wouldn’t work, this would.

Martha holds his face , gently, when he has to write an apology letter.

“If you want to participate in cruelty, you can’t cry when you become a victim of it.”

He also punched Sophia Falcone for calling Selina an ugly word, and his small fists ache after, but it doesn’t feel wrong.

His mama grins, small but proud, and Alfred makes his favorite tea, and Thomas tells ‘nice shot, babe’ while gently wrapping up his bleeding knuckles.

He remembers Oswald Cobblepot coming over, seeing him, and handing him ten bucks while cackling.

Gotham teaches him young.

They were out, — Thomas never lets Alfred leave home without him, not even for trivial little things like grocery shopping. And where his father goes, Bruce goes, tied to his hip like an extra limb.

There’s a man, — and he’s holding his wife by the hair. Bruce knows because he can see their rings glowing in the grey sunshine. They’re like Alfie’s rings.

She has bruises on her face, and her neck, and he’s scared for her. Thomas gently puts him down, and Bruce asks if he’ll call Mr. Policeman Gordon.

And Thomas unlocks his wristwatch, slides it over to his knuckles.

“This is how Waynes do things.”

Alfred tries to take Bruce awayand Uncle Oz stops him. When he watches Thomas punches and stomps on that man’s face until his legs stop twitching, he understands.

As Batman, Penguin hands him a 10 dollar bill, still wet with blood, when Bruce takes him to Arkham.

“Your daddy didn’t need a mask. “

[violent138]

On the role of Alfred, as understood by the JLA:

Robin!Dick: "It's pretty much Alfie that calls all the shots, sets my bed time and Batman's."

----

Red Hood: "It's like a Charlie's angels situation."

----

Red Robin, before going against League orders: "The boss? You mean like, Alfred? No I haven't asked him yet."

----

Spoiler: "You really want to be late for the dinner? Alfred won't be happy."

Bruce: *closes computer* "We'll finish this up some other time."

JLA: *confused*

----

Clark, after Bruce gets severely injured: "Oh God, Alfred’s going to kill me."

Hal: "Relax, what's he even going to do? You're bullet proof."

Clark, groaning and sitting down, head in hands: "That's not going to stop him."

Oliver: "Say the word, and I'll get you on an island not found on any map."

Hal: ???

[superbat-love]

Dick: [flaunting his Halloween costume] Ta-da! Guess what I’m supposed to be?

Cass: Fun Batman.

Jason: Batman having a midlife crisis.

Duke: Rainbow Batman?

Damian: Father with a fruit hat.

Tim: Fruity Batman.

Barbara: Batman finally being honest with himself.

Steph: Batman’s ‘Date night with Superman’ outfit.

Dick: …What? I’m supposed to be a Devil Fruit, guys! [points at his fruit stem headband]

Jason: I like my interpretation better.

Bruce: Thanks a lot, kids.

Dick: Well, what are you going to be wearing for Halloween, Bruce?

Bruce: This.

Barbara: You're going as Batman?

Bruce: No, I'm going as Bruce Wayne going as Batmaaan~~~

Tim: Omg, an even fruitier Batman.

[galaxymagitech]

Every time Tim says he isn’t part of the family—

“Really, I’m just an employee!”

Bruce photocopies Tim’s adoption certificate—

“Only a legal technicality, Damian, don’t worry.”

frames it, and hangs it on the wall of Tim’s room—

“The guest room I normally stay in, you mean.”

which is in the family wing.

“Only for convenience!”

Tim’s walls—

“The guest room’s walls!”

eventually fill up with the results of Tim’s low self-esteem.

So, Bruce begins sticking the frames to the ceiling.

[oh23]

[ It's Halloween, the bell rings at the Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne goes to open the door. ]

Jason, dressed in a $5 Batman costume: trick or treat

Bruce:

Bruce: Why are you dressed like that.

Jason: Because it's my costume?? All you gotta do is go to the costume store and say make me look STUPID- [strikes a Batman pose]

Bruce, groaning: Don't stand like that!! That's not-

Jason: That's how you stand!

Bruce: That's not how I stand. I stand like-

Jason: This is exactly what you look like.

[shyjusticewarrior]

[tiffycat]

Sir you are pushing 30, you don't get to meow

[theofficialdailyplanet]

[incorrectbatfam]

[fanaticalthings]

next thing you're gonna tell me is that the butts match 🙄

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[everwalldigan]

You know what would be really funny. If Jason had the most normal/conventional food taste out of his siblings (still very far from regular people’s “normal”), he’s stuck in the manor because of an injury and therefore has to witness the culinary WAR CRIMES his siblings consume for sustenance. Since there’s no Alfred to stop them anymore, they have been running rampant.

Jason: What. The fuck. Is that.

Damian, pouring out a green sludge into two cups: father and I’s breakfast smoothie, or did you hit your head hard enough to forget the concept of a smoothie?

Jason, scooting his chair away clutching his water bottle to his chest: yeah I dont know what nuclear reactive, Gotham harbour concoction you so flagrantly bestow the title of “smoothie” on but keep that shit FAR away from me

Tim: *sits down next to Jason, cracks open a can of energy drink and pours it into a glass, pouring milk on top until it reaches the brim*

Jason, with tears in his eyes looking at Dick for help:

Dick: *shrugs, shoving a fistful of dry cheerios into his mouth*

Jason: *turns his horrified gaze to Cass*

Cass: *grins at him toothily with two heaping plates of a full English breakfast sitting in front of her. He has no idea where she got it from. She is using a set of utensils for each plate.*

Jason: *stands up calmly* maybe I should stop looking for the unstable bomb I lost in the manor the other week *walks out of the kitchen, a few moments later a shrill scream is heard*