#and im like... i know its not true. but my brain tells me it is and doesnt let me relax
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A bit of a side thing, but, yeah. Me tired. Feel free to disregard this post, I'm just letting some feelings out so my brain stops torturing me.
Honestly, tired is not quite the right word. Its more like I've been too caught up in work and my brain denies me relaxation? Like... ever since I got an idea for the Ghost Future Leo, I've been working on him every day. And by the nature of how I do things, I don't start a new drawing until I finish the last, so, he was all I've worked on. And it comes with the anxiety that 'I haven't posted anything in so long, that's bad, you're not productive'.
And then I finished Ghost Leo to the point where I could post him, and, it, uh... Got complicated? Because, no doubt, it's a BIG project, I worked A TON on him, but it wasn't really, like... a comic. Or a drawing. So I took a break, I promise I did, but then I wanted to get back to posting proper art and all.
Exceeeept I also wanted to keep working on Ghost Leo. Partly because I like working on him, truly, but also... I feel like I owe it to people? Like... I live with the fear that there's not enough to him, that people will get bored in like three days and that will be that, and I owe folks who enjoy spending time with him to expand the features. I want to respond to people posting and talking about him because that's everything I've wanted, to see people's reactions, and I feel like I can't leave anyone hanging, because that was what I asked for in the first place... All those posts and nice asks bring me so much joy, and I want people to know it.
As well as all the asks from people who need help - as a creator, I owe it to them to help them through everything, to fix mistakes and bugs, to answer questions...
And because of that, I feel bad when I try to take a break for more than a day - I have things to answer, and I don't want to answer them inadequately, because I want people to know that I care about every ask.
So, in short... despite me doing art I still feel like I'm not doing enough, despite the recent updates my brain still tells me I need to do more, and I'm afraid of starting on something like a comic because it feels I have too much of other stuff to do and I can't let myself focus my attention on something else for a week or two...
I know its all baloney, and that I deserve to rest, that I can freaking sit down and play Star Rail for three days and people won't hate me for it, but... that's not what my brain thinks and signals to my body. Silly me.
Thank you for reading this to those who did, I wrote this thing to just say... I hope my brain is actively lying to me, and people won't riot if I take a bit of time getting to answer the asks or posting more art. I promise I read everything, I just need to get back into a groove of things, especially since May and June are months that get busy with the school work on top of everything. I hope that's understandable 💖
#v rambles#vent#cw vent#in short this post is about my brain being like 'hey. i know you made this big project but lets be real. you didnt post shit'#and im like... i know its not true. but my brain tells me it is and doesnt let me relax#sorry for a sudden personal infodrop#i just felt like if i dont talk about it i will keep getting more anxious
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sometimes teh hater agenda gets to me. and i need to reason myself away from it
#my brain is telling me to respond like the other person did and explain that no. it actually DOES convey her personaility.#-> -> hiding in tags#found someone complaining about a rhine design on pinterest and i know who it is and. sorry#i jjust think its really disrespectful. and mean. and weird. and funnily hypocritical#4dango's rhine design was absolutely stunning !!!!!!!!!#given we have no TRUE basis for her apperance. the fact they derived all of that from her teacup??? holy shit !!!!!#a million golden stars !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#rhine is a PURPOSEFULLY ambigious character.. saying a design doesn't correctly portray/convey her is.. very dense#and clearly implies they have only a surface level interpretation of her#4dango does a lovely job at showing elegance + the colour concept (dark under light !!!) + its purposefully encapsulates#the concept of appearance not equating to her morality and such#its UNIQUE#as much albedo based designs are lovely;; 4dango has a wholly unique design. and its very rhine (in my opinion) !#dare i say more than the person im assuming made that comment.#'As a Rhinedottir liker since 2.3 this design does not convey her personality AT ALL.'#WHY WOULD YOU. SAY THAT?????/ THATS SO MALICIOUS???#stop! being! mean! youre not cool youre just edgy and putting down people#your interpretation is not right if you think she's super duper only evil and needs to be portrayed that way. in the bin#crepe rants#-> somebody PLEASEEEE tell me im not insane . or convince me to do it#KIDDING ON THE LAST PART. partially#sorry the nyc public schoolkid in me is yellling for me to go insane over it and tell them to stop being an asshole
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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER
#i hated her to an unhealthy amount imma be so real#bc ive never done an internet sin of like shittalking outside of priv accs/dms#or interacting anonymously with people i hate etc etc#but there are things that are like corruptions for your own soul from how sour hatred can get#and she did that to me. and i only hated her enough to do that#i have only ever in my life actively hatestalked her blog when i was 14 bc she made me so fucking mad everyday#ive only ever in my life hatestalked her like shes the only reason i can comprehend why people are compelled to hatestalk#this was all back when i was like 14 tho lol and#ugh... im sorry. as you can tell the hatred i feel towards her is like soul corrupting level#i want to say im sure she has grown up to be a fine person and logically i know this is true#but also part of me is like there is no fucking way this bitch grew up to be a fine person like the lobotomy part of my brain is saying that#i will not tell you who she is btw so dont send me an ask begging for the user#and if for some reason you have a hunch who it is. you never know you could be wrong and even if youre not i dont condone harassment towards#her or like yknow just any association like leave her tf alone#i dont have fans who love me enough or are crazy parasocial to harass someone i personally hate/hated#but still just in case#shes not an actual bad person. i just hate her so much that it makes ME a bad person on the inside#its why im so glad that i turned 15 and went i need to stop looking at her forever or else i will reincarnate as a mosquito#ill only talk to u abt her if we are at least acquatiances with eachother#and i dont think anybody will be able to figure out who she is actually bc i never once was mean to her outside of telling my close friends#i wanted her dead. me when i dont act like a beast online despite the vietnamese devil inside me
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SILLY DOODLE FOR MY AWESOME MUTUAL !! I think we can have fun in spidey hoodies :3 as a treat🦋 <33 ALSO!!! LOOK AT HIS AWESOME ART AT @dotjpeg !! :D
#and look at his HUGE BRAIN ideas at milimeters-morales !!!!^_^#I HOPE I DREW U CORRECTY I NOT FAMILIAR WITH DRAWING DREADS I HOPE ITS OK <3 PLEASE TELL ME IF ANYTHING IS LIKE NOT APPROPRIATE!! TYY<33#ANYWAYYS WAHHHH I LOVED THE SPARKLE ON IMAGE SOO CUTE THANK UUU#I LOOVE MY MUTUALS !! YIPPEEEEE!!! I am so so happy#THE MOST LOVELIEST IDEA !!!‼️ I LOOVE WHEN I AM WITH MY FRIENDS :3 WE CAN HAVE MATCHING HOODIESS!!!#thank u for being so so awesome forever..... UR SO COOOL IM SO GLAD IM UR MUTUAL 🦋🦋💙🦋🦋💙🦋🦋🦋💙🦋✨️✨️✨️✨️💥#i donno how to draw the zappies ^_^ ITS OKK!! in my heart u have all of miles' powers i know it to be true <3 u can just do all of dat :3#YAYY!#isa's art#man itsbso bad i still dont have a design for my own salf its ok^_^ i am versatile !!!!
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How many times can I go "I feel like ass but it's fine I'll be fine" until it becomes hollow to everyone around me. BHASJGFNJFGNK
#ventings#<- ig#i feel like this happens so. frequently#im fine one moment and then bad the next and i feel bad for it. i hate having some weird brain instability#i will be real this one time ! me going `ill be fine` is more my ward so i dont feel guilty or attention-seeking for venting than it#is an actual true statement atp. i mean like. tbf. i will be fine. my mood kinda just Swings and ive dealt with this brain long enough#to be used to that and used to the fact that ill just feel like this until my brain latches onto something and is able to snap back#but eh. euuuhghhhhhhhhhhhh. fuck#also while im giving myself one post to talk abt this shit before falling silent on it again. i always feel bad when people tell me i can#vent to them. bc its like. my brain wont allow it#i feel like a burden for it when i know ill be fine eventually even without getting to talk it out with someone#i will never tell people its better to check in with me than it is to tell me i can vent. bc my brain wont let me open the door but#if the door is held open for me then i feel i am allowed. ive been invited. does that make sense#but again ill never tell anybody bc thats just. it feels like a lot to ask when nobody needs to hear my bs anyways#idk. idk if i even wanna talk about this really. i feel bad still for typing it all out. beh#im gonna go play some silly billy and then maybe start doodling. that or i play silly billy and then check in with my mom#to see if she remembers the wendys thing. cuz i know she struggles with remembering things too
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see my problem is i need to be more vocal so people can get to know me better and maybe actually want to befriend me but i also need to stop talking so much so i dont irritate people and make them want to avoid me
#with my sick and twisted powers these can both be true at the same time#i feel like no one really knows me so im not really a Person to anyone and thats not their fault because im just a nothingburger#but i also feel like i get obnoxious and needy and annoying so people dont want to engage with me lest i start yapping at them#sorry i feel like this is something i complain about all the time but when it feels like no ones listening then it doesnt really feel like#actually said it?? its like that 'if a tree falls in the woods and no ones around does it make a sound' thing. at risk of being pretentious#my brain just holds onto it forever until i feel actually perceived#but i cant just beg people to pay attention to me because thats insanely annoying. heelp heeeeeeelp meeeeeeee#this an in general thing but it feels especially potent at work because my coworkers are the only people i interact with irl regularly#and im really trying to make friends there. but its impossible to tell if people actually like me or if theyre just forcing#themselves to be polite to me because we're coworkers#heavy dramatic sigh. i dont know what to do anymore this sounds so fucking lame and whiny but i just wish i had people who loved me you kno#OR EVEN JUST LIKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WANTED TO BE AROUND ME EVEN?#but i cant ask that of anyone because ive become so bored and unhappy with my life that i struggle to keep up conversations especially once#i start getting that worm in my ear that im actually irritating who im talking to and theyre just waiting for me to be quiet and leave them#alone#okay im writing too much thats enough out of meeee#mumbling
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#i wish i could pinpoint what exactly has my mood all messed up rn#my brain is just recycling the same thoughts the second i open my eyes#how many times do i have to tell myself to prepare to be discarded because i have nothing to offer anyone. myself alone isnt good enough and#never has been or ever will be. i have to make up for it and still i show up empty handed#like ive run out of things to give. which i guess is true. how do i give what im still trying to rebuild#as cliche as it sounds its true that everyone i have ever loved has taken some part of me with them that i cant get back#i wish i was still kind and openly loving. i wish i wasnt full of dread. i wish i could love any part of myself. i wish for too much i know#i wish i knew when to leave well enough alone#i wish i could tell where im truly wanted#ugh#anyways i need to find smth to do to shut my brain off or just pass out again
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#really does so being fun to your brain to get affirmations and compliments from strangers or friends (ie people i see frequently) more than#the family i live with. like mixed with rsd wich makes evrey criticism hold ten times the weight of a compliment means when i do get i compl#compliment from the family i live with it sounds disingenuous#like i know ill get a lecture or a passive aggressive comment so that compliment doesnt count. or i had to fish for it so it doesnt count#it makes me feel like im barely tolerable to the people i live with who see me the most in my tuest self the only reason my friends or aqu#or acquaintances dont feel that way is cuz they havent been around me enogh and eventually ill exhaist all goodwill and love that people hav#have for me until they only associate with me because of obligation. it also makes me prone to cry when someone gives me a compliment and it#it makes me scared to share this with my family becasue i feel like theyll ruin it. i tell my husband that the pediatrician says the kids a#are growing qell amd hitting theyre milestones and he sqys that she always says that and to everyone and it cheapens the compliment#people who dont live with me think im intelligent amd competant and funny and a joy to know but i dont get that fweling from my family and i#i know part of it is because of my shit brain that weights criticisms so much more strongly but a part of it is the things they say amd more#more importantly the things they dont it feels so rar that i get a compliment of any kind and i dont know if its my stupid depressed brain#making me perceive this or if its true if its a mix or if i developed this thought process because i was taught this#worst part is i dont feel shit enough to cry and get that emotional release#tldr eventually evreyone hates me and one day my kids will too hahahahahaha i physically feel pain rn lol
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slept like 15 hours, which is great, but also (seemingly) spent that entire time having one long, incredibly vivid nightmare, which is. not so great
#and the thing abt nightmares is that they stick around#even tho im awake now. i know im awake now. i still feel like im there#or i guess more specifically i still feel like the things that were true in the nightmare are still true here#namely: that i had a stage 4 brain tumour and had been given weeks to live#which. i get _why_ thats what i dreamed abt#id been looking up my recent symptoms and a brain tumour was mentioned as a potential cause uhhh multiple times#not that i actually think i have a brain tumour#i dont#but still#i guess my brain held onto it#its dumb cause most of my nightmares are simple straightforward shit like someone's chasing me n trying to kill me or w/e#or theres some apocalyptic disaster#things that suck in the dream but that are usually p easy to “leave behind” once i wake up#like i know no one's chasing me anymore bc im lying in bed not running around or hiding or w/e i was doing in the dream#but this one was so. normal#i was on _discord_#i had to tell my _friends_#my brain keeps trying to file it away as a waking-world memory instead of a dream-world one#not to mention it clearly wants to pick up where it left off#like no. you dont have to tell me what wouldve happened next. you dont have to remind me of how i felt in the dream#_it didnt happen_#anyway#glad i got so much sleep at least
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!
i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"
why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)
ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!
this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!
why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.
#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc#but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them#AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING#that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too#perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well#that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less#i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever#but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends#what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one#this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it#lee rambles#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#autistic friendship#friendship problems#loneliness#communication#cptsd#rsd#the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃
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I’ve always thought high teens for your age like 16 or 17. Imma go with 16 👍
not to be rude, but could you rephrase the first part of this? I legitimately do not understand that first sentence.
#i cant tell if its because im like half asleep or something but my brain does not compute#im not trying to be rude i just didnt know how else to phrase this if that makes sense#also its really interesting how you think im 16-17#im not going to say whether or not it's true#i just find it interesting#so far 1 person thought i was 18 (the anon from way back)#2 people think im 16 (one being you)#and 1 person thinking i am 13-14#its really cool to see how others interpret me#ask kris#also sorry again if this comes off as rude#i really don't mean for it to#😅
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about to go on a rant so bear w me
#i just cannot seem to be okay for more than a few days at a time. my brain won't give me a break#every time someone says or does something sweet to me im like wow i can't believe there's actually people out there who enjoy my company???#hanging out with me and talking to me and having me in their life????? like it baffles me#cause in my mind im the ugliest most unlovable creature that has ever stepped foot on this planet#and no matter how much i try to think about it objectively cause like. yk people tell me that im sweet and kind and funny and its like well#why wouldnt they wanna be around me then right????? but my brain's like NOPE none of that is true actually!!!!#also it literally doesn't help that i tend to get extremely insecure abt the way i look#cause also sometimes in my mind its like well who would even wanna love someone who looks like that yk#and no matter how much i try i dont think im the type of person most people would go for in terms of looks yk???#cause like im not conventionally pretty in many ways and i'll never be and that kinda sucks#and there's definitely a part of me that's convinced that no one will ever love me unless im beautiful so. yeah. that's where we're at rn#basically i dont feel like im worthy of love as much as i crave it and also i dont think i'll ever be satisfied with who i am#i just always feel like there's something missing and i dont even know what it is. sigh#raquel speaks
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Evangelion movie hello
#So Adam creates angels and Lilith creates Evas but also humans as Shinji's dead bf said... so Evas are humans too? Is that it#asuka IN THE GAME AGAIN!!! YEAAAAHHHH#is her mother the eva.... like maybe its metaphorical but maybe not like shinjis mother maybe is in unit 1 so.... idk man...#rei has herself??? she wouldnt have an ag field without a mother then andjakqk but she does.... idk man#WHAT DID SHINJI DO TO ASUKA. I THOUGHT THAT WAS ONE THING NOT THAT. NOOOOOOOO#NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MISATOOOOOOOOOOO#asuka i will get you out of there i promise#ritsuko's paceful face when pointing a gun at ikari sr ajdiajqiq yeah....#what did this fucking evil man say... cant even say a true fucking thing to a dead woman... DIEEEEE#“thanks to the five (5) women that helped bring this picture to its completion” just the voice actresses yeah i can tell#not the tit touch again.... is this a theme or what... what am i supposed to get from this the heart is in the middle my guy#REI YES!!!! KILL HIM FIRST REI!!! DO HIS HEAD NOW!!!#im sorry... why is rei so scary but then whatever she is turns to a manic pixie dream boy and shinji cries of joy akdhaisjsisk GAY!!!#there is so much to say about this but i am afraid i might be too dumb for it bc nothing comes out but alas im having fun#asuka is shinjis foil but why are they doing this#“does misato really do things like that” refering to sex is the most 14 yo thing that shinji has ever said i get it. everyone does it shinji#i think there is enough what women are triad things in here.... can we stop.... sister mother lover.... woman scientist mother...#we get it you dont get women i thought shinji was opposing kaji by not understanding him when he said men and women are separate...#figured out what an at field is.... thank you thank you.... its what encapsulates your person and ego i get it now....20 minutes left aldhsk#shinji out of all people being the brain.... nepotism bc yui came up with all of this i guess#jumpscared by the real footage after the fuckfest#the footage of the people at the screenings of the movie.... i can't imagine seeing this in a cinema christ#the cordial handhsake with the thank you 😭😭😭 thats the shinji i know....#rei is the lover sister mother but why is there a boy there too?? akdhakshaksjaj i need answers... is that his father?? shinji you're fucked#maybe freud was right maybe i need to kill the freud that lives inside my head. this will make me introspect after all akdhaks#alright. are they meant to repopulate the earth is that it? do i need to stray out of the christianism of it all? asuka i will get you out!!#i have so many questions... like both in narrative and outside of it#i dont wanna think about it now tho.... sick visuals 10/10 on that front#talking tag#watching evangelion
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the worst part is like . I know it sounds like ocd and i know a lot of ppl with ocd and i watch them talk abt their experiences and i relate a ton but then my brains like How dare you relate to them and try to compare. youre just an evil person and youre trying to pretend you have ocd . and its actually different and the fact you even thought for a second "oh thats similar to what i experience" means that you will be a bad person forever and you cant fix it and you need to go to hell. and you dont have ocd youre just actually an evil person. so i cant actually let myself think abt it being ocd basically
#And like you know . i dont actually know what it is and i cant like. Decide i do bc i relate a lot to ppl who do have it . its just even if#i dont say I think i have ocd bc i relate to this. i cant even think Oh i relate to this without feeling like an awful person. you know .#does this make sense to anybody at all. its very very exhausting#also this is phrasing it like being ocd is the same thing as being evil Obviously it isnt i just mean like ik a lot pf ppl with ocd#experience similar like. worrying theyre an evil person and i also do that but my brain says that i actually Am an evil person as opposed t#just. worrying that i am. and that i only worry abt it bc its true. ok .#idk i worry i sound whiny as hell in these posts im sorry 😭 its just rly kicking my ass tonight the terrors#but its like. no matter what i do im evil bc if i think to myself Oh i relate a bit to this person with ocd my brain says Oh youre awful fo#trying to pretend to have ocd you couldnt possible understand your evil. and if i say youre right then its Oh so why is having ocd such a#bad thing do you hate ppl with ocd you couldnt possible have ocd bc you think youre better than them youre awful but if i say I think youre#being a bit dramatic its like oh so what you think you can just claim to have whatever mental health issue you want. you think you can just#fake mental illnesses and use them as an excuse for why youre so horrible youre going to hell youre going to hell youre going to hell and#then it just loops eternally and i cant get it to stop unless i do little things to make it stop like hitting my head or scratching or#pacing in tempo or tapping rhythms . Which yes i know sounds like ocd . you do not have to tell me . but i cant think abt how it sounds#similar to ocd bc then its starting again.#and even the like. posting abt it is hard bc my brains like seeee youre just making it up for attention why do you haaave to talk abt it#where ppl can see. its so you can convince other ppl and trick them into thinking you have ocd . but its just that i always post whatever#i think abt on here this thing is my diary and also if i dont let people know what im thinking all the time it means im hiding things and i#evil . so . this is how it is
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its fun finding new religious movements popping up near you and being like. ok. i do like where youre going with this. but also. this does sound a bit like a cult. but then again most religions sound like cults, so like. who knows
#the endless struggle between 'religion is a natural result of pattern seeking brains' and 'religion is a gateway to high control groups'#like. i always have to stop and remind myself that new religions will always seem silly at first#what is the true difference between a christian and a snapewife beyond how old the book theyre basing it on is#where pray tell did the christian victim complex come from if not from early christians getting dunked on#you cannot convince me early christians didnt also get mocked for thinking a book character was real#(or that the real guy was actually magic etc etc whatever that parts not my point rn you get it)#(and with that yes i know the victim complex is a whole other thing that parts just a goof)#anyways shoutout to the church i found near me that worships the . divine artistic spirit#like. its literally an art church that just takes the concept of a muse a little more seriously#once i get past the knee jerk 'haha what the fuck' urge honestly im p on board presuming non-cultness#like the website has stuff about inclusivity and blm links literally front and center which is nice#and as far as belief systems go i like where theyre taking it#and im a big fan of anything that does what the satanic temple does and puts a spotlight on the christian exclusiveness of#the supposed religious freedom here#so. dunno!#origibberish
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