#fake mental illnesses and use them as an excuse for why youre so horrible youre going to hell youre going to hell youre going to hell and

[itsalwaysdark]

the worst part is like . I know it sounds like ocd and i know a lot of ppl with ocd and i watch them talk abt their experiences and i relate a ton but then my brains like How dare you relate to them and try to compare. youre just an evil person and youre trying to pretend you have ocd . and its actually different and the fact you even thought for a second "oh thats similar to what i experience" means that you will be a bad person forever and you cant fix it and you need to go to hell. and you dont have ocd youre just actually an evil person. so i cant actually let myself think abt it being ocd basically

[olderthannetfic]

(Boundaries anon) you make a good point. I lost a friend recently they abandoned me because of my depression and it felt like pure betrayal I made the horrible mistake of saying of they can’t handle me at my worst then they don’t deserve me at my best and that I deserve better friends who can handle my depression. They basically picked a bunch of snobby assholes over me instead of being loyal to me. It hurt I have borderline personality disorder I am getting treatment for it but they didn’t care they rather be around people who are fake nice then me who is real. I know this stupid to expect so much out of a friendship but I am starting to think they didn’t care about me the same way I did them because they would ghost me a lot then make excuses. But expect me to drop everything when they were upset basically they are allowed to set boundaries I wasn’t. I think that’s what causes me problems people never seem to respect my boundaries at all so when people set boundaries to me it feels unfair when I can’t do the same.

--

Oh boy.

Yeah, friends often can't, won't, and shouldn't have to handle your depression at its worst. Get rid of that "if you can't handle me" logic right now. It's a trite lie from Mary Sue fanfiction where only the protagonist's feelings matter.

Can you handle a seriously depressed friend who needs 24/7 handholding, if only temporarily? Is this something you routinely do for your friends? For that friend?

The answer is almost certainly no, and if it's yes, it's going to be one friend at a time and in an unhealthy, codependent way.

The kind of person who will be there even at your worst is a spouse. The level of friend we're talking is like if you're fifty and your best friend has been with you every day since you were five.

And even then, many spouses leave over this kind of thing because their own mental health simply cannot stand up to out-of-control mental illness.

It sucks to feel like you were dumped for inferior friends. Those new people may actually be jerks or they may not. But based on your description, your friend probably left you because you were unhealthy for them.

I just friend-dumped someone I've known since 1999 over a long-term pattern of only taking their own mental health and feelings into account. They're outraged at the betrayal too and trying to blame it on me being selfish instead of me finally growing a spine and saying I deserve to be happy.

"You left me for [shitty reason]" is a face-saving effort your brain makes to ignore the real reason: you were hard to be friends with.

--

they rather be around people who are fake nice then me who is real.

This is toxic bullshit.

When you say "real" here, you mean depressed and unpleasant to be around. Why don't your friend's feelings matter? Why is only your pain real?

I believe you that your pain is real. Your situation is tragic, and you deserve sympathy.

But sympathy at a distance.

Everyone else also has pain. Everyone else also has mental health they have to work on, maintain, and defend.

The world is a long stream of bad habits and worse news. Staying healthy means proactively countering that, focusing on productive things, and avoiding things that tank our mental health. That frequently means dropping people who hurt us and give little back.

What do you give back?

--

I am getting treatment for it but they didn’t care

Why should they care?

People care about results.

It's good that you're making an effort, but it's not enough if you're still hurting your potential friends. They deserve friends who are kind to them. You don't sound very kind in this message. You sound like you only think of yourself.

--

I know this stupid to expect so much out of a friendship but I am starting to think they didn’t care about me the same way I did them

My friend whom I just had to dump spent a lot of time talking about how much she loved me and how I was her best friend. We've known each other for years, but she didn't listen to me. Increasingly, over the years, I felt like she liked the image of me in her head, not the real me who exists in the world.

Being excessively attached to a saintly icon of your friend in your head while ignoring their actual needs is typical of some mental issues.

I'm not saying 100% this is what happened here, but there's a good chance.

--

because they would ghost me a lot then make excuses.

If you made explicit plans and they stood you up, they're a jerk and you're better off without them, regardless of anything else.

If you said you wanted to hang and they were vague, they weren't invested in the relationship, and that was a signal to try again somewhere else.

We cannot control who likes us. Hell, the other person can't control if they like us.

But expect me to drop everything when they were upset

This is the only thing you've said that puts me even slightly on your side here. My big question here is what "drop everything" means here. How much were you giving? How often did this happen? How major and unusual were their upsets?

The thing is, this doesn't tell me that it was a potentially good friendship that they then ran out on. At best it tells me they were always a user and you were a sucker for putting up with them. At worst, you're misunderstanding the situation, and you put out a small amount of normal friend effort and expected it returned tenfold and/or you offered support in a way that was clearly transactional and that transactional vibe chased them away.

basically they are allowed to set boundaries I wasn’t. I think that’s what causes me problems people never seem to respect my boundaries at all so when people set boundaries to me it feels unfair when I can’t do the same.

THESE ARE NOT BOUNDARIES

"I need you to babysit me while I cry" is a demand, not a boundary.

"I just don't have the time or emotional capacity to handle your depression" is a boundary.

I realize you can rephrase anything as "I have a need", but basically, think of boundaries in this context as saying "no" to doing labor. Asking for a need, asking for an outlay of effort, is a request. It's not a boundary.

What I think is happening, anon, is that you want a thing out of friendship that is NOT HEALTHY, so either people run away from you or you pick terrible choices of friend who also want something unhealthy because you're hoping they'll return your unreasonable effort later... only they use you then run off before returning the favor.

What you're seeking, in my opinion, is a friend who is "safe" because they will never leave you.

That's not a friend. That's codependency and a person who's locked in a downward spiral with you. Not just you personally. Everyone. In all cases.

A friend who will be "loyal" through literally anything is not a healthy person.

People with good self worth who have their shit together will all reach a point where they realize another party is bad for them and shouldn't be in their life anymore. Saying "you can never dump a friend" is like saying "divorce is evil".

Even a very kind, giving, loyal person sometimes has to leave for their own self respect.

--

Frankly, anon, I think your treatment is at a point where no friend worth having can handle your depression. If these are online friends, that goes times a thousand.

BPD is quite hard to manage. I know you're in treatment, but you may need more hours per week and more homework from your therapist to do between sessions. If it's financially possible, consider increasing the amount of professional support you have.

You are looking for something from friends that healthy friends don't do.

--

Have you told your therapist what you told me? I think you need to talk to them and give them all the nitty-gritty details of your actual life and this friendship. If possible, show them things the friend has written, not just how you remember them being.

If you're regularly misreading and not listening to your friends (as is the issue with the person I had to dump), the therapist may be able to see this from their own words and point out specific signals you missed

--

Frankly, I've explained this before, I presume to you yourself since you sound kind of distinctive.

I don't think it's getting through from me.

I think you're just too attached to the notion of a "loyal" person who will be safe and never leave, and I think this is a primary symptom of your disorder.

You need to talk to your professional help about this. You need to work on how you conceptualize friendships before you'll be able to keep friends.

You're welcome to show your therapist this post or any of my posts. But please show them your actual interactions with your friends.

Asking chatty bloggers for help is not going to solve this for you, not when you've tried this strategy multiple times and it hasn't changed how you think.

[ticklepinions]

We all have freedom of speech but first ask yourself why you want to dabble. Is it just to join in for the hell of it or bc you want to say something that will help. The situation was crazy the party at fault already apologized and the people that needed to call her out already have and rightfully so. This isn't some game, we are supposed to be a community that's considerate of everyone's feelings. Sometimes theres not a need to say more on a matter if it's already been resolved

Nah I won't ever join for the hell of it. Response below if you want to read.

And also I got roped in because the person also sent me an apology couple of hours ago. But there's been stuff I've seen that's just personally troubling to me. The anons for example seem fake. Its all speculation ofc, but there are some red flags about them. But I digress. The apologies are fine and whatever but the constant "I'm a bad person, I'm horrible, I'm this and that" and the whole blog looking deactivated is giving guilt tripping, its giving manipulation. Might not be intentional but still needs to be appropriately called out. I've seen all the discourse about it now and what's already been said is more than enough.

All I can add is a general reminder to address the content of some of the anons people have been receiving. Calling someone out respectfully for their behaviour isn't wrong. Blindly defending someone because they're your friend isn't great. There are some things that the person involved needs to work out for themselves and I wish them the best in doing so. Discourse like this normally blows out of proportion because of anons not fully understanding both sides, as seen with this fiasco. And I genuinely don't understand why they immediately attack people's character. And also, respectfully, it's none of your business if you're not involved. The situation was already resolved in private and then exacerbated publically because of anons. Your role isn't to pick sides but to just be a listening ear. If they need advice, sure give it but also make sure you're being genuine about it? Don't tell them what they want to hear, tell them what they need to hear.

And finally, mental health explains but it does not excuse. This isn't necessarily addressing this drama just a general thing I might make a separate post about if I feel the need. Sometimes people just use mental illness as an excuse for their actions and honestly it hurts to see.

Every conflict does not need to feel scary and aggressive. People make mistakes, sometimes really bad ones but that's also okay. We live, and we learn (hopefully). I just hope all those involved are able to heal at their own pace.

Thats all I'll say on that matter. There are other things to address

[nancy-who]

Themes and Morality Of Nancy Drew

SCK: Secrets can Kill. No literally. Piecing together everyone’s secrets and blackmailing them like a manipulative puppetmaster will get you killed.

STfD: Don’t be an incel.

MHM: Being a criminal is okay if it was a couple hundred years ago and involved a love story, but if you’re a pasty middle aged man- no. Greed is Bad. 

TRT: Don’t trust everyone who’s nice to you because they might stab you in the back. Also people are complicated and all do good and bad things (and all parents keep a creepy record of all the good and bad things their children do).

FIN: You should prioritize people over personal gain (everyone tries to use Maya’s disappearance for their own gain and Nancy is the only one who cares about her), law enforcement can be apathetic (Fight the Power), and sometimes you will be swindled out of the compensation and respect that you deserve, but you have to move on.  

SSH: Stealing artifacts from their country of origin is bad. Maybe. We’re leaving it up in the air.

DOG: Rules can be annoying. Your country bands alcohol? Your park ranger gives you stupid fines for stupid reasons? Annoying. But you should still have a sense of right and wrong. Don’t kill a teenage girl with a bone over gold.

CAR: Even if your parents mess up or don’t give you as much attention as you want, they still deeply care about you and will forgive you when you are angry and broken and very whiny. 

DDI: You probably shouldn’t use wild animals to do crimes. You also probably shouldn’t domesticate wild animals in the first place. But if they’re already domesticated, eh, play games with them I guess. Also if people assume you’ve gone crazy because your husband died, just lean into it.

SHA:  Being a criminal is okay if it was a couple hundred years ago and involved a love story, but if you’re a pasty middle aged man- no. Greed is Bad.

CUR: Your parents might get divorced, and it’s tough, but it’s not an accuse to terrorize and possibly kill your stepmother. Also, traditions are about bringing the generations closer together, not squirreling away secret power to feel a sense of superiority. 

CLK: Don’t make reckless economic decisions. Check if your godmother is really your godmother. Most importantly: if you’re an elderly gay man in 1930, don’t trust your bottom. He might fake a will when you die and steal everything.

TRN: Friendship is the best treasure of all :). Also don’t be a Karen.

DAN: Patriotism comes in many forms. Sometimes it means doing what you know will get you called traitor. Also not all Germans in WWII were bad? I don’t think HeR thought out the optics

CRE: If you owe money to some bad people, you should not use a chemical that will increase the bug population that will destroy the pineapple crop that will make the land that you used to own cheap enough to buy back. Is that the plot of this game? I don’t know. I don’t even know where they were trying going with this. It’s kinda a hot mess. They also said Hawaiians ‘abandoned’ their culture so honestly the morality is kinda mute at this point. 

No. Wait. I figured it out. If a country takes over your homeland for capitalist means, become a hard-nosed capitalist yourself. Rip off the white people.

ICE: Again, you really shouldn’t domesticate wild animals. I mean if one’s already domesticated I guess it’s fine to play with them. Also radioactive substances are cool and you should play with them.

CRY: Sometimes people love you from a distance. But if someone is constantly making their love conditional and manipulating you for their own gain, drop them like a hot potato. 

VEN: Intelligence does not excuse crime (Helena and the mob boss she was researching were both clearly intelligent, but they both did bad things). Also sometimes stealing and working for a gang is okay if you’re working for the police?

HAU: Sometimes people will play a prank and run away right before your wedding but it’s fine because love forgives all? No. That’s not right. 

If your entire family dies live in the bog for eighty years and fly around on a jetpack to scare the locals? Yes. Perfect.

RAN: Don’t hold grudges. Don’t do blackface.

WAC: So there was a post by @nancythedrew that popped into my head inspired this whole post but for the LIFE OF ME I can’t find it but I think the gist of it was: If you and your identical twin commit fraud by pretending to be one person, it’s okay as long as you were doing it for the noble cause of education. I mean, you were doing half the work as everyone else was and you’ll have to attend college as one person, but it’s fine. You’re fine. And while we’re at it, if you steal your roommate’s boyfriend, whatever. Highschool is highschool. 

TOT: Did you ever have that really moody entitled college professor? Sometimes they’re not actually misunderstood. Sometimes they’re just an asshole. Don’t let yourself become that asshole.

SAW: Tradition is important, but it should not be placed over happiness. True family does not control and manipulate you to keep you close.

CAP: Fairy tales and legends are often just a cover for the horrible tragedies that never came to light. 

ASH: Corrupt people will manipulate mob mentality into getting their way. It’s important to go against the grain if you feel the mob is wrong.

TMB: Why do people search for history? Is it for money? Is it for notoriety? Is it to respect their ancestors? Always question your motives. Always question if they are good or bad.

DED: Discovery should be made for the advancement of humankind, not profit.

GTH: History ignored will repeat itself. It’s easy to bury family secrets with shame, but forgiveness is never out of reach. 

SPY: Selflessness taken to the extreme hurts the people who love you. If you constantly worry yourself with your demons, it’s easy to forget that.

MED: ...if your kid’s grandpa believes... in aliens... you shouldn’t keep their grandpa away... because then the kid get this weird attachment to them and dedicate their entire life to aliens? Also aliens might be real?! WHAT IS THIS GAME?!

LIE: I could probably piece together a theme if I knew what the tartarus was going on in this game but... I don’t know... women trapped in darkness/mental illness can overcome it and become queens? Having a rough life and falling into a bad situation doesn’t mean you’re a bad person? Gods there was so much potential if only if they just exPlAiNED THinGs

SEA: The shame of long lasting discrimination (xenophobia, homophobia, etc.) can fester into resentment and lead people down a bad path.

MID: Don’t assume that someone committed arson because they were burned in a fire when they were nine years old?! Think twice before condemning, otherwise history might repeat itself. (It’s essentially the theme of GTH and ASH combined). 

[bittervitter]

ang0mang0′s “copycat” claims

I didn’t want to have to make another post about this, but since people on sonicfan799 / thatAnge / @ang0mang0′s Tumblr profile are getting riled up about this ridiculous drama that should have died ages ago, I figured I’d defend myself. Some people who are trying to support me have been saying incorrect things too, so I also wanted to clear that up. This crap has been going on for months, everyone is sick of it by now. Instead of being brief like I did for other social medias, I’ll be as detailed as possible this time.

[1] “she’s copying/imitating/heavily referencing from my art style!!!”

Like people have said a million times, no I’m not. And nor is anyone else. Just because someone draws the Sonic characters in a similar style to you does not automatically mean they took, copied or “stole” those ideas from you. You don’t own the concept of buff, fluffy bodies or chubby muzzles. COINCIDENCE, as much as you hopelessly deny it, is very much a possible thing- even in crazy situations such as this. There are several other artists who have similar art styles by mere coincidence. IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. As examples, these Instagram artists have similar styles: @ azulytoons and @ indigonite0 / @ magenta_mel and @ zer0finix / @ himemikal and @ natirix. NONE of these artists are “stealing” or referencing from each other- they just have similar art styles, and that is perfectly okay! They draw completely different things with completely different mindsets. The world does not revolve around you, ang0. Not everyone knows who you are, so some people who use the same traits that we do don’t even know we exist.

Also, to anyone unaware, an art STYLE is not merely how one chooses to portray a character. An art STYLE is also what brushes you use, how you sketch, how you line, how you colour, how you shade, how you choose to portray certain objects or ideas- basically your entire fucking understanding of how something’s supposed to look and how you LIKE it to look. It’s not just “chubby faces, poofy curly hair, buff bodies”. It’s everything in a piece AND that.

[2] “she’s tracing my art/ redrawing my ideas!”

Literally no. People have constantly asked you to provide evidence and you refused to. All you did was scream “but it’s so obvious, just look at it!” or “are you dumb? use your eyes!” and several other insults. If you want to prove a point or make someone see something, GIVE. EVIDENCE. The only person who actually provided “proof” was pin_kpeach, your ever so loyal whiteknight, but her “proof” only backfired and proved that the both of you are extremely delusional. In the drawings of ours that she layered over each other, next to NONE of the lines lined up. It looked like a clustered mess of scrap, and the reason for that is because IT WASN’T TRACED. In the one or two drawings where ONE. SINGLE. PIECE. actually lined up was entirely zoomed in to make it seem as though the whole thing was traced. No, honey, that’s not how you provide proof. That’s how you pull a muscle by reaching so desperately to lie about me. The rest of the drawings in those pictures didn’t line up at all, and one- or I believe both- needed to be titled to line them up in the first place. You could say that some people trace things and resize or rotate them, but if I were as dumb as you persist to say, then I wouldn’t have done something like that. Either way, one aspect of a drawing lining up is a common thing for people who have similar styles because- well, I just said it. THEY HAVE SIMILAR STYLES. If they draw something the same way, well fucking duh, it’ll match someone else’s drawing almost exactly sometimes.

[3] “she’s too petty and too much of a liar to credit me! saying the art isn’t hers will hurt her oversized ego!”

Ahaha no. The only one here with an inflated ego is you, ang0. You call me the egotistical one yet you act as though your life is falling apart just because someone else draws like you on the internet. Stop acting like a special snowflake, you are not the only one on this planet with an art style of that nature. I don’t credit you because crediting you makes no damn sense. Why should I credit someone who’s had absolutely no impact on my work whatsoever? What in the hell did you do for my drawings that makes you deserve so much credit? Did you sketch it? No. Did you line it? Nope. Did you colour or shade it? Not a chance. Just because I came up with a design for the characters that happens to look like yours does not mean I owe you jack shit. You cannot. own. a style. Get over it.

[4] “she worsened my depression and is the reason I can’t draw anymore! I have no motivation when there’s some idiot copycat stealing all my art!”

I don’t want to sound like that kind of person, but you worsened your own depression. You painted this false picture in your head and continue to hang onto that belief like your life depends on it. I haven’t done ANYthing to you. You came to ME with these stupid claims back when my art looked LESS like yours, before I even knew who you were. You’re making yourself feel horrible because you, for some paranormal reason, refuse to believe that you’re not the only one with that kind of style. This is why people call you childish, you’re like a whiny baby that can’t accept another child having a toy similar to yours. I can’t even decide whether I should say “grow up” because you’re older than me- not to mention you’re an ADULT.

[5]”she constantly sends her whiteknights to attack me, harass me and send me threatening messages!”

I’ve said several times to my followers NOT to harass you or your followers or anyone against me in this mess at all. I do not send anyone after you. People say things to you out of their own free will and with their own words. I can’t magically know when this happens, why they decide to and I especially can’t control anyone. I’m sorry that my friend Koro sent you all those DMs and horrible messages wishing a lot of very bad things onto you and your family- I asked her several times before and after not to do that, but I didn’t have a clue she did it until after the fact. Either way, don’t go around assuming that I put people up to this or I intentionally ask people to do these things to you. Why in the hell would I do that? What good does that do? All I wanted to do was talk things out but at this point, you don’t even take me seriously, so I can’t even try anymore. The few times we did talk you refuse to see my point of view and just see me as a liar. What the hell am I supposed to do then?

[6]”all vio does is lie, she’s so fake all the time, lying for her petty ego”

I’m not even sure how to respond to this but I thought I might as well bring it up. No matter what I do or say, ang0 sees me as nothing but some retarded liar that can’t help but lie their way around everything, even though I’ve been nothing but genuine all this time. It’s why I can’t even communicate with her anymore, because “shut up, stop lying you copycat” is all I get in response basically.

[7] her insane hypocrisy

Ange and pin_kpeach have said numerous times that I’m rude or insult her, and there have been times where I’ve been mean out of anger, but I know for a fact I apologized for it in DMs. Ange apologized too. I don’t remember ever insulting her after that, but ang0 doesn’t ever stop ridiculing and insulting me with almost every comment she makes on the drama. If she really was sorry, she wouldn’t have done it again, but I guess she said “fuck it” and just continued anyway. Pin_kpeach likes to say I’M the hypocrite for saying Ange is harassing me yet being rude to her a couple times, yet they do they exact same thing, but even worse?? I try my best to be as civil as possible, but ang0 and pink don’t waste a second calling me and my supporters all sorts of colourful names just because they don’t agree with her claims. In fact, here’s a list of every single thing ang0’s ever called me:

retarded, retard, stupid, idiot, dumb, low IQ, mentally ill, crazy, talentless, skill-less, copycat, art thief, (dumb) cow, fuckhole, asshole, bitch, wanna-be artist, unreasonable, clown, fake, liar, hypocrite, delusional, dick, stalker, bittershitter, dumbass, immature

There’s probably more than that, but that’s as much as I can remember. Not hard to forget when she repeats them almost all the time.

[8] gatekeeping ideas

Ange and pink act as if two people drawing a character in the same outfit automatically equals “du bist kopying mein style!!”. I can’t even begin to imagine the mental gymnastics you need to do in order to believe a thought process like that is logical. She thinks that anyone who draws Amy in a dress with a white under-skirt or white ruffles underneath is nothing but a copied idea from her. She thinks that me drawing Amy in a green tank top, blue backwards cap and blue sports shorts is copying her drawing of Amy in a green unidentifiable top (you could only see her back, she didn’t seem to have straps) and blue sports shorts with a slightly different design is automatically copied from her. The poses, shading, angle and idea behind the drawing were COMPLETELY different- but nonono, “this is stolen because the outfit is the same!” They also use the excuse of the whole chubby faces, curly hair, blah blah blah- see point [1] as to why that’s BS.

[9] her perception of my followers/supporters

Aside from Koro, I don’t know if anyone has seriously threatened or harassed her. Her followers comment on my posts, my followers only comment when she brings up the drama or whines about it. She insults my supporters when they don’t agree with her and act like they’re a bunch of immature brats who are wrong while she’s the high and mighty mature one seeing through non-existent lies. I’m used to her making fun of me, but I’m sick and tired of her insulting people who have nothing to do with the drama just because they don’t agree with her. Like, seriously? You call everyone immature and stupid yet you’re the one insulting people non-stop just because they realize how ridiculous and childish you’re acting. That’s why “childish” has become a popular adjective for you, ang0. BECAUSE YOU’RE BEING CHILDISH. CONSTANTLY. You get pissy, insult others and put people down but whine and cry the next minute because you constantly like to play the victim. Speaking of which...

[10] the victim card

I have absolutely no idea what ang0 goes through in real life, but there is no excuse for how she’s behaved during this drama AT ALL. Ange constantly defames her own artwork, calling it shit, calling it every bad name in the book, but doesn’t hesitate for a minute to gatekeep her style as if it was the best thing in the world. She says it’s because she “worked her ass off” and doesn’t want people just stealing her hard work. Okay, but you do realize that other people put just as much work into their own art, no matter if it looks like yours or not, right? She demands that people change their style to stop looking like hers, acting as if that can be done in a matter of minutes, because people having similar styles makes her uncomfortable. Well, surprise motherfucker- welcome to the internet. No one is original and everyone is original at the same time. People are bound to come up with similar ideas and you’re just going to have to deal with it. But despite the similarities, people are still original in their own right. If you believe that people can change a style so easily, why not just change your OWN style? Because you worked your ass off? Well, THEY WORKED THEIR ASS OFF TOO. So don’t act like you’re the only one who’s put effort into their craft. Art is hard, and that applies to EVERYONE- even professionals.

You blame me and other “copycats” for all your problems, blaming us for worsening your depression, ruining your passion for art- when you’re the only one who does this to yourself. Yes, there have been genuine art thieves in your life, and people who have stolen your art- but what I’m talking about are the people like me who DON’T steal your art or are merely inspired by you. People who say “you should be happy they’re inspired!” aren’t saying “you should be happy they’re copying!”. They’re saying that you should be glad that your work is so inspiring that people create their own unique ideas based off your own. Inspiration doesn’t require credit unless they’re purposefully taking a massive part of the original. But being inspired by a hair style or even a pose isn’t stealing. It’s inspiration, that’s it. I’m not inspired by you at all, but I can at least appreciate your art- even if you think I’m just being fake.

[11] ang0mang0′s history and why this shit doesn’t even make sense

Ange has said publicly and to me in detail about how she’s been accused of the same “art style theft” in the past. From what I’ve gathered or heard, people used to accuse her of copying a popular artist called myly14 who’s Sonic art is pretty much everywhere. Whether it be in edits, MVs or whatever else.  Looking at her old art when she went under the name sonicfan799, her art does look similar to myly’s, but ang0 insisted that she didn’t copy myly and didn’t even know who she was. She legit said “it’s not my fault my art looks like someone else’s”, so basically- it was coincidence. She said she changed her art style because she “isn’t an asshole and didn’t want to make the other artist uncomfortable”, even though art style theft isn’t a thing and no one needs to be forced out of a style just because someone else already draws that way. I have no idea what myly’s stance on that situation was, but the fact that it happened just proves how stupid her current claims are.

Ange says that her style is “too complex” to be coincidentally similar to someone else’s, even though the fact that it’s happened 30 times (according to her) just proves that no, ang0, no it fucking isn’t. Your style isn’t complicated at all. Detailed sure, but no style is too complicated to be similar to another’s. Being complex doesn’t make something any less likely to be identical to another complex style.If you didn’t copy myly14 in the past, what right do you have to accuse me of the same damn thing? If I really am copying you, then you have to admit to copying myly, because you can’t just lie about your past and then shit on me for doing the same thing. So it’s either you stop this nonsense or you drag this drama down with you to your grave and admit you copied myly14.

Another thing, myly14 didn’t even have a “simple” style. The fact that her art was almost instantly recognizable and popular meant that she had a signature style that stood out. Yes, she used a lot of the original Sonic style’s anatomy, but her stylization of said anatomy, her shading and the way she composed her pieces gave her a signature style. The most stylized thing I could see was how she drew muzzles, and guess who drew muzzles in a similar way as well? You did. People saw how your way of drawing faces and some parts of the body and thought it looked liked myly’s. The similarities in your anatomy, and not your shading or colouring, was what made people think you copied her. That exact same thing is happening between me and you. My shading, colouring and composition is entirely different from yours, but some parts of the anatomy are similar.

If you really didn’t copy myly14, you have absolutely no. fucking. excuse. to accuse me of the EXACT. SAME. SHIT. that happened to you.

You never needed or deserved to be pressured out of your old style just because people thought it looked similar to someone else’s, and that’s why I refuse to change my style now. Because it isn’t. fucking. fair. To ANYONE.

[12] how I feel (this is copied over from my DeviantART)

At this point I've grown used to what she has to say, but it still hurts. She thinks that I'm some kind of cartoon villain maniacally laughing behind a computer screen every time I post something because she's so deep into her belief that I really copy everything she draws and that nothing I've never posted has any true effort put into it. She genuinely believes she owns all my art and that I devote my entire gallery into recreating her image or some crazy shit like that. It sounds really dumb, but from what I've read from her poorly constructed comments and rants, that's basically what she believes.

She thinks I don't care at all about how all this affects her or anyone at all, but I do. It doesn't just hurt me in the sense that she makes me feel awful with all her insults, but I just feel so bad for her. I feel guilty in the sense that I couldn't do anything at all to help her, not that "shes prolly feeling guilty and made that april fools joke to let out some guilt!!". (If you don’t know, on April Fools Day, I changed my Instagram bio to say “clown” and call myself “the ultimate copycat” as a joke.) That was a really stupid reaction from her by the way... who the hell comes up with that? Now that she's going away for a month, I feel even worse because all I wanted to do was try to make her come to her senses and end this mess. I thought I could talk some sense into her- that didn't work. Her delusions are so strong, she's like a brick wall. I thought I could ignore the drama- that didn't work. She "clowns" and talks about it so annoyingly often. Not to mention people do things on their own to stir shit up. I thought I could support her regardless and maybe try making her feel better about her art- that didn't work. She thinks I'm fake and that everything I say is a lie. Because of me, she probably doesn't believe other people too- and that makes me feel even more terrible.

No matter what I do, I'm automatically the villain and she's the tortured, helpless artist that everyone is against because "everyone is dumb, supporting a copycat" and she's just "used to it, because she's dealt with so much shit already!". It's so ridiculous. If she would just try to actually better herself or the situation, she wouldn't feel so horrible all the time. Like... for god's sake, she relied on a video game to make her happy- that's not healthy, and just like I suspected, it didn't fucking work.

more of how I feel

Because of ang0, I just feel like garbage. My self esteem and confidence in my art was already low. Thanks to her, I don’t feel original (or as original) anymore- and I’m afraid to show many of my new or old ideas because she or her whiteknight pin_kpeach may spring out and say “copycat! stolen! you’re not original!” and a plethora of other insults. I can barely sketch or draw Sonic content without panicking and feeling worthless because all I have is her words and her opinions stuck in my head. She blames me for her demotivation and shit like that when she’s done the same thing to me. She thinks I don’t care about her or her art, when I do, but when I say that, she calls me fake. In reality, ang0 couldn’t give a damn about me and I’m pretty sure she’d be happy if I were dead. She has said before that she doesn’t care if I killed myself soo... there’s that. Anyway lemme not drag my feelings out too long, I just thought I’d say it to anyone willing to listen since her immediate response would’ve been “fake, liar” etc, etc. I really don’t want anyone to feel bad for me or anything like that, I just want people to listen and understand. That’s all.

a final note

I’m really thankful- like, REALLY thankful- for everyone who’s been on my side throughout this. I don’t like picking sides, and I’d hate to make people do so, but there doesn’t seem to be any in between to this at all. It’s either you believe I’m copying her or you don’t.  Most people don’t- thank goodness for that- but some do. And there’s nothing I can do about it. At this point, whatever man.

Please please PLEASE do not harass ang0. Don’t threaten her, don’t insult her, don’t do anything rash or fucking illegal. It’s all fair game if you want to POLITELY SPEAK to her, or try to start a discussion, but please don’t do anything stupid. And especially don’t do things in my name. If you want to debate with me or her, do research first- don’t just jump to conclusions or make assumptions.If you want nothing to do with this drama, then simply don’t say anything- just be aware of what’s going on, that’s all I ask. So nobody gets the wrong idea on either side.

Sorry for this being so long, I think I’m done for now.

Thank you if you read the whole thing.

[9.4.2020]

[mellometal]

I know I said I don't associate myself with the Panic! fandom anymore, but this is something I have been ACHING to talk about. This is some bad timing, since it was Brent Wilson's birthday recently (yes, his birthday is July 20th, NOT August 20th; source: I've been following him on Twitter for five years and he's actually said this), but this is going to be about Brent and the whole situation with him.

Warning: What I'm about to say about the situation with Brent Wilson (original bassist) is heavily biased, since I do stan him. YEAH. I STAN BRENT MATTHEW WILSON, THE ORIGINAL BASSIST OF PANIC! AT THE DISCO. CRY ABOUT IT. STAY MAD. He's one of the ONLY members of Panic! At The Disco (past and present) who I give a fuck about, besides Ryan Ross, Spencer Smith, and Ian Crawford.

Trigger warning: This will be talking about arrest, jail, drugs (doing and selling), weapons (guns), childbirth, parenthood, and some other things. If these things are triggering for you or make you uncomfortable in any way, you do not have to read this post. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

Disclaimer: I don't know Brent in real life, I'm not in his circle of friends or people he's closest to (like his wife Taylor, his parents, his brother Blake, his in-laws, his irl friends, coworkers, etc.), and this is not me acting like I do. I don't know what his life is like outside of Twitter. The only contact I've ever had with him has been on Twitter, but it was pretty limited.

My thoughts on this situation are MY opinion, any possibilities in my thoughts are just theories and not proven to be true, and I'm not trying to excuse whatever he was allegedly charged with.

Just for the record, I am willing to have a civil conversation with anyone who hates Brent. The minute you attack me or anyone else who likes Brent, or a whole bunch of you start circle jerking about how much you hate him, you're getting blocked. If all you're going to bring up is the shit Brent did when he was in his late teens instead of adding anything useful to the discussion, you're getting blocked too. I already know about that. It happened back in 2004-2006. They were all still kids, to a point. Brent has changed quite a bit since then. The whole "Hate on Brent Wilson" bandwagon is stupid, toxic, and I refuse to jump on it. I've never jumped on it when I was in the Panic! fandom, so why would I do it now?

Remember, without Brent bringing Br3nd0n Ur!3 into Panic!, your precious Br3nd0n wouldn't be successful today. JUST SO YA KNOW. (I'm very salty right now, if you can't already tell.)

If you would like to know about what happened with Brent, a few months ago, he was arrested on (alleged) drug charges and illegal possession of a weapon, along with a traffic violation and something to do with a probation violation too. He was set to go to court back in March for his sentencing, but that's the most recent information I've found. I don't know what the fuck is going on at this point. I don't know if he's been sentenced, if he's doing anything alternative like rehabilitation, nothing. (The reason why I said they're alleged charges is because I don't know if he's even been to court for sentencing or anything like that.)

People's reactions were mixed. Some actually LAUGHED and made a whole bunch of jokes about him being arrested (that's fucking insensitive and cruel). Some felt bad for Brent because he just became a dad (yes, he's a dad, but I'm not posting any pictures of the kid out of respect for Brent and Taylor). Some were shocked. Some weren't surprised (how and why????).

My reaction? It was pretty mixed. I was shocked. I thought I was having a fever dream and what I was seeing was fake at first. When I realized it wasn't fake, I was crushed. I felt absolutely horrible for Brent, Taylor, their kid, and all their loved ones. Like, I care about the guy a lot. Obviously.

Ironically, the band members and/or group members I stan are either the black sheep or they're just not as popular. Or they're the fucking scapegoat almost EVERYONE attacks for the stupidest shit. Brent's the black sheep as well as the scapegoat of Panic!, for example....and I would say that Ian is another black sheep too. Not for any negative reasons. He's simply not as popular, due to the fact he was only in Panic! during the Vices era for a short time. He's underrated as FUCK. I'm one of the black sheep in a lot of places [except for friend groups], even in my own family, so it explains why I stan Brent still.

I just want to say that selling drugs and doing drugs aren't inherently bad things to do. This doesn't mean that I'm for kids doing drugs and selling them. Absolutely not. I want people who do drugs or sell drugs to be treated like human beings. I also want them to be able to seek help easier without the judgment or being treated like a criminal. Personally, I don't do any of that, but I understand why someone would. (This kind of thing hits home for me.)

As far as the whole weapon thing is concerned (it was a gun), I personally don't like them and we need better gun control in the United States. I don't think I'd trust anyone who owns a gun because of the possibility that they would hurt me or worse in an argument or something. I've seen my abuser threaten to pull a gun out on my dad when I was a kid. Thankfully it wasn't loaded, but still. It was scary. I wouldn't own a gun because I'm autistic, mentally ill, and I'm afraid of what I might do in certain situations. If someone wants to own a gun for protection, hunting, target practice, or to collect them, fine. BUT YOU DON'T NEED A HUGE ASS GUN THAT THE MILITARY USES TO GO HUNTING OR FOR TARGET PRACTICE. I don't like them, I don't want one, I don't trust myself with one, guns scare me, and I want better gun control in the United States. It terrifies me that people openly carry. I understand that's the Second Amendment and all, but it doesn't change the fact that it terrifies me. As long as you're responsible with that kind of thing, I don't really care.

I don't know what Brent's reason was for (allegedly) owning a weapon (maybe for protection or something?), but it's none of my business.

In my opinion, this is all stupid shit. There are people who have done horrible things and they're STILL free people, but oh, god forbid you do or sell drugs! THAT'S bad. /s

Here's my response below. I'll type out everything, except for the disclaimers and what he was arrested for. I will start from the fifth paragraph on the first screenshot and continue from there. This is so anyone who has a hard time reading any of the screenshots can read them easier.

(My response was from around the time it was announced that he was arrested. Just so you know.)

First screenshot, fifth paragraph:

First off, I just want to say that this situation is a fucked up one for anyone to be in. I would never wish this on anyone. Especially because now, there's a baby involved, so this makes the situation worse. This is pretty difficult for me to put into words without coming off as bitchy or anything like that, so if I get bitchy here, I apologize.

Second screenshot, fifth paragraph:

I don't know what caused this mess to begin with, but I do know that Brent and his wife Taylor just had a baby a couple months ago (when I was typing this out initially). While it's a good thing for them, it can be assumed that this is also a very stressful time for them.

Combination of third and fourth screenshots (These are pretty much only theories; not facts, and they will be broken up into paragraphs): 

The pandemic most likely isn’t helping their case. Las Vegas is a HUGE city and I’m sure A LOT of people there are REALLY struggling right now in all aspects. Maybe Brent and Taylor are struggling to pay off hospital bills or whatever (to put this into perspective, the average cost for hospital childbirth in Nevada is around $21,239, according to CBS News). The average salary for an accountant in Nevada is anywhere from $34k to $150k, and that all depends on education, experience (how long you’ve been in said career), certifications, and any additional skills. Take into account any other necessities they have to pay for, like their mortgage, bills, insurance, etc. 

Let’s say that they did manage to pay everything else off, but they’re struggling to pay the hospital bills from when they had their baby. (Having a baby is fucking expensive in the United States, regardless of whether there are complications or not, and regardless of whether you have insurance or not.) Let’s say they’ve tried every single option out there, but nothing seems to give still. Maybe the drug selling was a last resort on Brent’s part. (As I’ve said, I don’t know the full story.)

The whole subject of drug paraphernalia hits home for me. My parents both did drugs when I was a kid. I’ve seen it a lot growing up. My dad was, in the past, in and out of jail for drugs and other things that aren’t relevant here. I���m not sure if my mom was in and out of jail for the same shit, but I know for a fact my dad was. Y’know, because he told me. ANYWAYS. 

I get it. You gotta do what you gotta do. It’s not something I’d do personally, but I understand why somebody would do it. I wouldn’t treat them any differently. Maybe they’re selling drugs or whatever to keep themselves from losing their homes, put food on the table for their families, help pay their bills, pay for their education, whatever. It could be a number of things.

Fifth screenshot (people’s reactions to the news and my thoughts on them):

Now...let’s move on to how people are reacting to the news. There’s a lot of mixed reactions. A lot of people feel bad for Brent, especially since he and Taylor just had a baby a couple months ago (as I was typing this). Some people “aren’t surprised” because they were never fans of him in the first place. Others think this is amusing. I’ve seen some people who are solely involved in celebrity news (similar to TMZ) making jokes about the situation, which to me, is appalling.

Let me tell you something. It doesn’t matter if you’re a fan of Brent or not. This shit isn’t funny or cute in the slightest. It sure isn’t funny or cute to anyone who is being affected by the situation, which includes Brent himself, Taylor, their son, and all their loved ones. Like, full stop. Have some decency. Y’all are fucking gross. You can dislike Brent all you want, but he’s a real human being who fucked up. Personally, when I first heard the news, I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought I was having a fever dream. That is, until I looked it up and actually found that it was true. I was CRUSHED. Why? Because Brent is one of the last people I’d even expect to get into this whole mess. 

Sixth screenshot (my thoughts):

If I’m being honest here...like, BRUTALLY honest, Brent needs to be put in REHAB, not jail. For anyone who has been here (on my Instagram) from when I used to dedicate this account to vintage Panic!, you know how I’ve never said anything but kind things about Brent. From the few times I’ve interacted with him a little bit on Twitter and from how I’ve seen him interact with others on the site, Brent is one of the sweetest people ever. I’m being genuine here. He’s a good guy who fucked up and did some dumb shit. Does that make him bad? No. Then again, as far as I’ve read about the current situation at hand, it’s too early to really determine anything. None of us know what caused him to have drug paraphernalia or anything else that he was arrested for in the first place.

Seventh screenshot (wrap-up):

I’m gonna wrap this up here. My heart aches for Brent, Taylor, their son, and all their loved ones. I hope that everything gets straightened out, all sides of the story come out, and that Brent can get his shit together again. Like he had been doing since he was kicked out of Panic!. I wish everyone involved nothing but the absolute best right now, given how fucked up the whole situation is. (Just to clear up any confusion, when I was referring to Taylor, I’m NOT referring to Taylor Swift or any other celebrity with the name Taylor. I’m referring to Brent’s wife.) 

If you’ve read this far, thank you! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I’ll try to answer as best as I can.

Have my thoughts on the situation changed since February - March of this year? No.

I think that Brent needs some kind of help. That's why I mentioned rehab. It's obvious to me that's the kind of help he needs. I don't believe jail is helpful in certain circumstances (like drug charges, traffic violations, and other nonviolent crimes)....at least in the United States. They treat people who do drugs and/or sell drugs like they're subhuman. Yet there are people who have committed violent, deplorable, horrific crimes, and they're still free people. Funny how that works. I'm not too educated about how the jail system works in other countries, so I can't exactly tell you how I feel about that system on an international standpoint.

Brent should be with his wife and child. I hope the guy gets his shit together again. I believe Brent WILL get his shit together. Genuinely. I would never wish anything bad on him.

I don't crucify Brent like a lot of people in the Panic! fandom do. The only reason I would hypothetically do so is if Brent actually committed violent, deplorable, horrific crimes (i.e., chomo bullshit, trafficking...like, extreme shit) that would warrant him being locked up and I'd drop him completely at that point. OBVIOUSLY I DON'T SEE HIM DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT. EVER. THAT'S JUST HYPOTHETICAL.

Anyways....have a good day, y'all.

[daretosnoop]

Lessons I learned from the Games

Most of this is just silly, some are actual lessons.

SCK/SCK2:

If you’re going to get murdered, get revenge by leaving clues to the blackmail you have on potential suspects and hope to god someone figures it out

If you’re investigating a crime, being a random transfer student at the end of the year is probably not the way to go, but no one cares because they’re too busy with college applications.

If your niece is coming to your place to investigate a murder and you’re not there, the least you can do is set up a cage to trap any possible break-ins.

Nothing beats being able to hold a gun to the murderer #whySCKremastered???

Teens dealing with pressures to meet college and parental demands

Teens resorting to drugs

Teens dealing with sexism that’s found in abundance in college and work environments

Teachers not giving a shit about what students are going through.

STFD:

If you’re getting death threats, play it cool. Keeps the perps unhinged

Toxicity of fan culture

Throw all CEOs into the closet

Nothing beats Jazz

If you’re going to commit crime in an actor’s community, you must do it with flare

MHM:

If you’re going to buy a Victorian mansion, the least you can do is check for ghosts. And also hire a carpenter beforehand

Never invest your life’s savings into anything

Treat those who help you with basic decency (my god Rose!)

If you’re snooping on someone, don’t give them any indication that you’re onto them

If someone slips a threatening message under your door, open the door.

Victorian houses have all sorts of booby traps, FIND THEM.

TRT:

Don’t trust anyone who’s eager to be your friend

Trust the weirdos and grumpy people

Learn French

Don’t leave incriminating evidence that reveals your lies

There is no such thing as too much food

Women in history have been badly treated by (male) historians.

It’s called the past for a reason

Turn a bad situation into an opportunity to learn

If you’re going to do crime, at least ensure you have an escape route that’s not blocked by the snow

Don’t date people who pressure you to marry them/ask you to prove your love for them

 FIN:

As a woman, if you want anyone to take you seriously and help, you have to be adamant, sassy, and everything men don’t like to see in women.

If you’re a POC, the chances of the police helping you decreases

Capitalism sucks

Police suck

Misogyny in capitalism

Old theaters are amazing

Don’t trust the person who’s trying to be your friend!!!!!!

Don’t talk to suspects about your case

Have confidence in yourself

 SSH:

Colonialism still exists in the form of capitalism

The art industry is completely profit driven

Mexico and America tensions

The Mayans

They never talked about what happened to the Mayans…..

Don’t deal with shady salesmen

Sometimes saving money contributes to a bad system

If you accepted a position, take your work seriously

Don’t trust the guy trying to be your friend!!!!

Master the art of amnesia should you ever need to use it

Even if you disband a group of art thieves, it’s best to be humble

No one in life is going to help you, even if you get pushed into a monolith

 DOG:

This game is why it’s important to put your dog(s) on a leash! (insert that dog vine: “it don’t bite. Yes it do!”)

If we didn’t have uptight rangers, the parks would be burnt to smithereens

Misogyny exists in the woods

People who are just trying to do their job always get a bad rap even though it’s because of them the park still exists!

Gangsters are bad, but also low-key cool

Get back at your enemies by making a fake grave of them

Old people have interesting stories

Gold can release arsenic into water

Always check well water before using

Wood mice are bad for health

If you’re going to get tied up and tossed into your tool shed, keep a scythe on hand

Go birdwatching at night

Torque is a fancy word for screw driver

If you’re a POC, people are most likely to suspect you.

CAR:

There is no job security if you end up in hospital

Sometimes you really need a 2000 calorie sundae

If you went to jail, people are most likely to suspect you first

Don’t spy on your co-workers

Don’t trust the person who’s trying to be your friend!

Don’t procrastinate on a job

If you’re miserable in life, maybe it’s time to sign up for some therapy

If you have a sad backstory, you’re automatically entitled to everyone’s sad backstory

Mental illness: depression

Health awareness: niacin, don’t eat junk food like a 2000 calorie sundae

Don’t dump someone just because they’re not able to give you a lavish lifestyle

DDI:

If you’re going to trash someone’s boat, don’t leave your business card behind

If you’re tired of small mindedness, it’s best to just leave

It’s always handy in life to know boating skills

If you’re trying to report suspicious activity, communicating by bottles is not the way to go

Don’t feed wild animals!

Capitalism sucks

Look carefully at your environment, you never know what clues are left behind

Always make a plan B in case plan A doesn’t work

Don’t be afraid to explore

SHA:

Never trust the guy who’s trying to be your friend!!!

Always trust the grumpy guy

Horses die easily

There is no such thing as over ripe vegetables

Sunflowers should be planted near gardens so that bees come

Respect chickens

Falling in love with a criminal is difficult when your dad’s a cop

It’s handy to know how to ride a horse

Ghost towns are terrifying

Farmers work hard and should be respected

CUR:

Don’t trust the person who’s trying to be your friend!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t be a negligent parent

Before getting married, make sure your partner has a good relationship with your child

Don’t trust creepy people

America and British will always oppose each other

Talking parrots are always handy

British aristocracy was supported through colonialism #got Loulou on his Travels, uh huh

If you’re a spinster, you’re going to be the mom of something

If you’re afraid of becoming a monster, best be dramatic about it

It’s really important to have good communication between partners

Don’t stick your new wife in a room that still has pictures of your old wife and where all the furniture has covers on them

If you have a manor, you better explore it before some 12-year-old gets hurt exploring it

don’t go to great lengths to protect a rock

calling something that skips every generation a “family tradition” is just rude and exclusive

don’t leave your child alone for so long. Don’t keep them away from people their age

don’t write memories, no one wants to hear your life story

CLK:

if you’re going to presume someone’s identity, you better nail the part down hard

don’t blow up the kitchen when there’s only three people in the house and you were the closest and last one in the kitchen

emotional manipulation

gas lighting

if someone mentions stolen jewellery, putting back what you stole just incriminates you

even if you have psychic abilities, don’t be an ass bout it

no one ever tips because no one like the system. Pay your employees what they deserve!

Even though the depression’s going on, people are still dumping money in psychic lessons and dress making

No one ever gives anything away for free

Even if you’re promised money, don’t put too much trust in the promises of others

Don’t be rude to the person who’s trying to help you

If your partner is demanding to be spoiled during an economic depression, find a better partner

People aren’t as smart as you, tell them straight where you left your will.

 TRN:

The dumb blonde joke is not funny

Cops are useless and unhelpful

People are more willing to listen to adults then teens/young adults

Celebrities are much different in real life then in their celebrity world.

Don’t steal someone else’s ideaà artist theft

Old trains are super cool

People aren’t as smart as you, tell them straight where you hid your treasure

Don’t dump someone just because people think they’re dumb

 DAN:

Capitalism sucks

The fashion industry is brutal

normal size representation

Boss’s can be crappy people

Don’t blackmail people

If you promised to do work, you better dedicate yourself to it

Having a healthy fear of giving away personal information is not a bad thing

Don’t aid stalkers

Covid-precaution: cover face with mask. Act erratic to keep people away from you

Concept of older men dating younger women is actually frowned upon

Love is mysterious

Flashlight on the many women who helped decode during WW2 but largely remain unrecognized by countries today

Forgery is okay sometimes

 CRE:

Indigenous cultures continue to be badly and negatively portrayed in media

Capitalism sucks

Environmentalism

Academia is not as research oriented as one wishes it was

Daddy-issues

Native Hawaiians forced to “work with” big corps in order to survive.

Tourism industry and its affects on the environment and native population

Sometimes an upgrade is not a good thing

ICE:

Animal conservatism

Capitalism sucks

International competitions suck

Running away from humans to hide in a cabin and bonding with a wolf is not a bad thing

Never enter a sauna alone

It’s bad business to kick customers out

If your customers are falling asleep everyday in a common room, it’s probably not a good sign of booming business

Don’t be chill over bombs exploding near your hotel

Always handy to know how to drive a snow mobile

Don’t volunteer to be a maid, ever

Cops are useless

CRY:

Don’t dump your job on your girlfriend

There’s nothing wrong with being emo

Men being emotional and desiring love and affection

Men being abused in relationships

Even if your relative leaves you a ton of money, it’s no excuse for not being a good guardian/parent

Don’t trust strangers. Don’t eat food from random people

Customer service is awful. Even when the customer is trying to instigate a horrible reaction in you, you got to put on a smile

Always trust the eccentric lady

Nancy’s sad backstory allows her to hear everyone else’s sad backstory, unless you’re a guy, I guess.

A date in the cemetery is not a bad idea

If your partner demands you to spoil them, get a new partner

People aren’t as smart as you, tell them where you hid your treasure

VEN:

Anyone can help out on an international mafia case

The mafia is very creative and artistic

Capitalism sucks

Assert your independence as a young woman by dancing in a cat suit on stage? I guess?

Money can be found anywhere

Eat the rich

Don’t trust the person trying to be friends with you

Possessive relationships are red flags

Don’t steal a cheap neckless if you’re a notorious thief

Cops kind of useful for once.

HAU

Don’t pull a prank on your partner before your wedding

Don’t invite someone who used to date your partner and still has feelings for them

If your partner is missing, actually look for them instead of sitting around

Crows are amazing

Fiona might have lost her parents at a young age and her life as a hermit definitely had its side affects, but she also saved herself from the misogyny women endured

RAN:

If your friend gets kidnapped, please, at least fake some concern

Don’t waste time with monkeys

The only other person on the island is probably the culprit

WAV:

Girl bullying can be worse than boy bullying

Don’t trust the person who’s trying to be your friend!!!!!!

  TOT:

Nancy’s sad backstory allows her to hear everyone else’s sad backstory, unless you’re a guy, I guess.

Academic institutions are struggling to fund research

Capitalism sucks

Even if you hate your lead, don’t sabotage the team

Communication is important

Even if you hate your job, don’t sabotage your team

 SAW:

People who resist to change just become boulders in the way of progress

Boomer mentality is soul destroying

Emotional manipulation

Gas lighting

Depression

Sometimes you have to cut away from those you love in order to maintain your sanity

Nancy’s sad backstory allows her to hear everyone else’s sad backstory.

If you have to give your partner a gift every time you fight, you might have relationship problems

Don’t be in a relationship just because you’re used to it

Don’t force someone to adhere to your expectations in life

If you’re unable to talk to your partner and so resort to haunting her inn, you probably have relationship issues

[kristea-biscuits]

Black Like The Rain From My Eyes-Chapter 1

TW- Everyone is suffering from some sort of mental illness, Sympathetic Deceit and Remus, shouting, minor cursing

Touch Starvation.

Logan awoke. Sitting up from his bed. He scratched at his arms, itching. He needed some sort of physical contact. He needed someone to hold him, to be there for him and tell him he was gonna be okay. But he didn't want to show his 'emotions'. He didn't want to show the others that he was 'weak'.

Insomnia.

Roman sat up, tired. He had been awake the whole night. He couldn't sleep, not one bit. Every now and then a creative thought would fill his head, causing him to stay awake. So many creative thoughts that couldn't be silenced, every idea so precious. How could he ignore them? Of course he never told the others, he worried that they would force him to sleep. He didn't want to, the creative thoughts helped him feel safe. The creative thoughts ARE him. He doesn't want to silence the only thing that makes him...him.

Monophobia.

Patton cried silently. Sleep? Didn't get much of that. Especially not when everyone was in other rooms, leaving him all alone in his own room to suffer. He was afraid, he didn't want to lose the others, he didn't want to be left alone. He clutched his pillow, hoping it would be enough for this pain of loneliness to go away but it didn't. He just sat and cried. If he told the others, how much more would they worry about him? Or what if...what if they left him alone just for their own entertainment..? He was scared, he'd just have to put on that 'smile' and keep faking.

Misophonia.

Virgil couldn't breathe. He couldn't move a muscle, not one bit. He was afraid. Afraid of making noise, afraid that once again just the slightest of sound would hurt him so. Everyday, the others talking would leave a burning feeling in Virgil, he would tap his foot against the ground, trying to focus on anything other than the loud sounds around him but he couldn't help it. He had to deal with it, for if the others knew he feared they'd stop talking to him. That everyone would go silent. Though the noise drove him crazy he still didn't want to be alone.

Anorexia.

Deceit lay on the floor. He couldn't get to his bed the other night, hunger making him weak, causing him to collapse. He stayed there for 8 horrifyingly uncomfortable hours, hunger making it worse. He was the only one who didn't mind if the others knew about his problem, after all, they hated him, right? He was a dark side. He wasn't worthy of forgiveness and kindness. Not after all the horrible things he had done.

Schizophrenia.

Remus sat in his room giggling, nothing was there yet Remus had believed there was. "Oh Cecelia, you are so funny! OOH OKAY OKAY, how about this one! Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?" He said, waiting for an answer that didn't exist. "Because he had no BODY to go with!" He said laughing. Remus would talk to himself often, or rather, people that he thought were real. He didn't tell anybody though, because he didn't need to. He thought they were real and he thought it was normal, if he was caught talking he wouldn't mind. He'd think it would be okay. But something he was afraid of was losing the only people that trusted and talked to him. The nonexistent people were the only things that made him feel...human.

The first one in the kitchen that morning was Roman, already up and making breakfast. There wasn't much else to do anyways, but he did have some silly breakfast ideas like smiley face pancakes. He laughed at himself.

Patton came in after a while, rubbing his eyes. They were slightly red from crying but anyone would think that he was just tired. "Good morning, Patton!" Roman said smiling as Patton walked in, "Morning Kiddo" he responded and yawned, sitting down. He looked over at Roman. "Watcha makin'?" Patton asked, Roman just smiled, "I'm making pancakes! I thought I'd make breakfast this morning since I don't do it much" he said laughing. Patton smiled.

Logan walked in, wearing a hoodie. The two stared at the logical side. "Woah, since when does the Nerd wear hoodies?" Roman joked, "Oh leave him alone, Roman, maybe he's just cold! " Patton said, smiling at Logan and waving. "Haha, very funny." Logan said as he sat in one of the chairs.

Virgil appeared in one of the chairs without warning, making Patton jump and squeak as he saw him. "Kiddo, don't scare me like that!" Patton yelled laughing slightly. Virgil smiled nervously, "S-sorry.." He said, silently suffering as the familiar uncomfortableness from the loud noise Patton had just made.

Suddenly, Deceit appeared as well. He NEVER appeared usually, so when he did, every one stared at him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Virgil said snarling.

"I'm just trying to spend some time with my favorite people" Deceit said smiling, the weakness of the smile invisible to the others. Virgil scoffed and rolled his eyes. Patton smiled nervously, "W-well I think it's...it's nice that you want to try and spend time with us..!".

Remus accidentally walked in, "And then, Carl was all like, 'OH MY GOD THERE'S A SPIDER!'. And then he screamed like a girl and started crying!" He said laughing, the others stared at him, and he stared right back. "Cece, I don't think this is my room" he said oblivious. Roman glared, "No, this isn't your room, it's the kitchen" he said putting down plates for everyone, even Deceit, who just walked over to Remus and gave the plate to him. Everyone stared at Deceit weirdly. "...What? I'm not hungry." Deceit said plainly, heading to the counter and sitting on it.

Later that day Remus and Roman had gotten into a fight, with Virgil and Logan watching from afar. "Their both idiots." Logan said sighing. Virgil nodded, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. He suddenly was clutching onto Logan, not meaning too, but Logan didn't mind. It was actually relieving for Logan. He didn't want Virgil to let go. "Ugh, I can't believe you! How dare you draw all over my playbills?" Roman shouted, Remus just smirked, "It's not like those playbills are important". Roman gasped, and they argued on. Virgil let go of Logan, the pain and hunger flooding back into Logan's body. "I-I'm gonna go..those two are getting..annoying.." Virgil excused, disappearing to his room. Logan sighed, hugging himself. Why did he have to be like this?

Patton was in his room. Alone. He shivered and hugged himself, watching spongebob. The voices from the tv made him feel..safer. Suddenly Deceit appeared in Pattons room, somewhere he wasn't supposed to be.

Now, you see, when Deceit is hungry and tries to teleport, it leads him to somewhere he didn't mean to go, and he loses all his strength. So, he collapsed as soon as he got there.

SUSPENSE hehehe-

Anyways hope y'all enjoyed this chapter, sorry that it's a lil crappy, I'm not very good at writing.

Macaroni out ✌

[frost-skyder]

Lombun (Art Theif) Using Alts to Harass Artist

Note: This person is harassing an artist they stole from, and has done so multiple times already, and continues to threaten them. They have block-evaded by making multiple accounts, but it’s obvious it’s the same person just on writing style alone and behavior.

Hey, so the asshole I talked about in this post is at it again block evading by making new accounts to harass the original artist.

The first account they used was https://www.deviantart.com/nikoruthewolf to pretend to be a friend and to block evade when their first account was blocked.

Using this account, they left a very disgusting note: 

Then chose to make another account directly using the user’s username to harass them:

https://www.deviantart.com/fablokiiisahypocrite/art/--798762781

They are again faking being the “friend” like most people do when they can’t face problems they’ve caused. They are comparing using and crediting a base to art theft that they did, which makes no sense, and are showing that they are lombun just from the writing style alone. Here’s the screens down below in case they get banned for their behavior.

Basically they are proving that they are a scumbag, again! 

Below is the initial reason and callout I had on tumblr before they falsely accused it of a DMCA violation and art theft:

Note: The purpose of this journal is to make people aware of the situation, and to avoid the user mentioned. Please do not go out of your way to harass this person, or even contact them. Block so they don't do this to your artwork, and don't promote their behavior.

I’m doing this from a limited machine so it won’t be as thorough as most of my user warnings, but the deviant :devlombun: is heavy reffing/tracing the artwork of another artist I know. It doesn’t matter if the work is old, it’s still theft.

Original:

Traced Version:

https://www.deviantart.com/lombun/art/Mountain-Mist-AKA-Mist-or-Misty-781415012

Screenshot in case they take it down:

Literally in several areas the lines line up. It's obvious they traced parts.

They’ve done it even more after looking at their tumblr. 

Originals:

https://www.deviantart.com/fluffomaru/art/Agent-Coulson-319821181

Stolen:

https://lombun.tumblr.com/post/183087921096/lol-the-green-ones-leg-is-broken

They are absolutely blatant.

Original:

Traced Version:

Another version they just posted:

https://lombun.tumblr.com/post/183226994546/really-ruff-one-handed-sketch-you-can-even-watch

Read the description on dA. Astounding.

It's almost like...you can trace off a screen, and off your other work...or fucking heavily reference from a piece next to you.

This one is just as painfully obvious. Before I made this journal, they took it down because people commented saying what they did wasn't okay, but I saved the responses and how they treated the original artist who just said they weren't comfortable with their artwork being heavy reffed and traced. What they said and did shouldn't be swept under the rug, and I wouldn't be surprised if other pieces from their gallery are also traced from other artists.

When the artist said they were uncomfortable with their art being traced and heavily-referenced, they went on a disgusting diatribe and tried to make it about ableism, phobia, and criticize the artist for their own style.

They threw in "a learning disabled person" as if what Lokii said had anything to do with their neurodivergency. Also tried guilt-tripping by saying that their lineart is given to students their mom works with. As an educator, I'm going to point out that none of us want stolen work given to our children. We want to promote artist integrity and literally you learn in school to not plagiarize. Besides sounding like an absolutely fake scenario, it isn't something schools would tolerate if they were aware.

They also continue to use the word "trigger" like a buzzer, when the artist never referred to themself as this. They said they were uncomfortable and rightly so. Nor were they even aggressive in their comment, and Lombun chose to lash out. They also chose to compare the artist's old work to a random toy they found, when neither of them look similar to each other. Besides them looking like a horse, the drawing and the toy look nothing alike. None of it looks traced, or even referenced. The only similarity is that the toy is arranged in a similar pose, which is a common pose for toy horses.

Then went on a spiel about how they are trans, bisexual, having a bad ex, that they are a rape victim, and other bullshit that has nothing to do with their tracing. They went on an absolute rant, trying to use every single "I'm in a bad position don't expect me to be responsible for my own actions" guilt-trip, throwing people in those situations under the bus as well. I'm trans, gay, neurodivergent, and also a victim of sexual coercion but that doesn't excuse me doing terrible things if I commit them? It's almost like your identity and trauma doesn't justify being a horrible person...

Oh, not to mention the threatening about taking it to other social media to slander them, again using "Triggered Hypocrite" as if that's an acceptable term to use.

This isn't even where they ended their horrid rant.

They derail about it solely being about the pose, when it is obvious they heavily referenced and traced. I this nothing to do with the damn pose. It's the fact that they obviously copied.

The artist never alluded to owning the pose, nor was that the original issue. They continue to make it about them being personally harassed, refer to the artist as being entitled and "crying in a corner" because their art was blatantly ripped off.

The only reason the piece was taken down was because a few people were willing to point out how terrible they responded, and how obvious it was that they copied. Literally the only reason this piece is down now. I'm thoroughly disgusted by all of this. Thank you to the people who chose to speak up and notify the artist that they were being copied, and thank you to those who saw what this person said, and didn't look the other way.

The reason I'm still posting this journal despite the artwork being taken down is because of the reasons below:

1. Tried to use being trans and neurodivergent as some sort of bargaining chip and as if that somehow came into play with their tracing. Not to mention using trauma to derail why the artist was upset.

  • Being trans and neurodivergent myself, I'm absolutely disgusted by this. Don't drag all of us down by fucking using our identity and mental health as some justification of your thievery, and make us all look bad by acting as if your divergency and identity is somehow connected with how shitty you're being.

Being LGBTQ+ or neurodivergent is no fucking excuse to be a horrible person.

2. Pulled comparisons that were not connected, nor made sense to try and shame the original artist.

 • The art pieces they compared looked nothing like what they tried to compare it to, nor was it blatant tracing and heavy referencing. They compared an old art piece to a toy which literally didn't look similar at all. They also tried to use this to somehow shame the artist and make it seem as if they were the ones copying? Basically a red herring technique to distract from their behavior.

3. Threatened defamation, used ableist language, and basically lied about what the original artist said.

 • They threatened to post what happened on another site, calling the artist a "triggered hypocrite." If they are neurodivergent, or actually know what trigger means at-fucking-all, they'd know that using it in that context is extremely ableist, demeaning, and in this case not even accurate. Using that term to try to cause harm to others or shame them is inherently ableist due to what the word actually stands for, and what it has to do with PTSD, neurodivergency, mental illness, trauma, etc. Basically they were purposely being disgusting and threatening to cause this original artist harm.

This kind of behavior isn't acceptable nor should it be tolerated. Theft is already disgusting, but how they went out of their way to reach this low is absolutely stunning and despicable. I suggest that if this person tries to watch you or favorite any of your things, block them immediately. If you find out their Toyhouse or other media, I suggest blocking those too so they can't see your older art pieces or your characters. It's obvious that they show no remorse for their actions, nor care about artists.

[tempinksailblog]

"Do I look like the kind of man who dies" set in the kingdom au wink wonk

Supposed Hell

Ink was clearly not the best person, but that didn’t stop Template. The king’s first step of “hell” was to feed Template scraps of any meal, his excuse being that Template would have to work longer by using more money. It didn’t bother Template though, even when it was announced.

“Only scraps.” Ink says, his voice sounding cold as he offers Template a plate of bones, fats, and some meat. It was almost like he was a dog, but Template just casually took it. “That’s not too horrible, right?” Ink continues with a small, evil smile.

Yet the other just shrugged. “It’s food. Sure, a bit gross, but food!” Template smiled, making Ink’s own smile quickly drop. “If you were trying this on purpose you’ll have to try harder, if that doesn’t already count as faking in some sense?” Template would obviously be hard to crack, for it was clear he was more serious about this now, having thought over it since the afternoon they met. All he did was lay on the floor of Ink’s room that he was offered, and the nights would only be cold as he anticipated. Ink expected Template to act optimistic in the end, and that pizsed him off when he did.

“Well usually people get upset unless they have been already starving.” Ink states, giving a slightly disappointed look. Template’s smile didn’t loosen up at all. “I could feed you nothing.” Template still shrugged, making Ink scrunch up his face in confusion.

“It happens when you were forced to face God yet walk the other way.” Template says casually, making Ink slightly concerned on his motives and way of thinking. “We were taught that if it doesn’t go your way, you make it, like a child might try by throwing a temper tantrum. The ones that believe it are immature, but sometimes it’s for survival like that situation.” Least it was still clear he held spite for his old “kingdom”.

Yet maybe Ink underestimated what this kingdom of destruction was all about.

· · ·

Ink thought over Template’s words for the rest of the evening, and then the start of the next day. He definitely sounded like someone from the “kingdom of destruction”, a person restricted by nothing in their eyes, yet he seemed to despise it since they met. He didn’t really get how it was a possible mentality, even if he knew people disappear to them occasionally, probably like a hostage or prisoner. They wouldn’t speak like no laws unless they liked it though, and like him escape as soon as they can, but he didn’t even seem brainwashed either.

Ink found himself in the record room of the castle, which held tons of information based around trading and Ink’s people, with occasional war records. One of the organizers bowed when he walked in, Ink just reacting by calling out Template’s full name. The organizer nodded his head and walked off, only to come back with a shake of his head.

“No one goes by that name, your majesty.” He said, slightly sounding in fear, but Ink was only paying attention to the answer itself.

“What do you mean? I doubt it’s fake, I would know.” Ink thought for a bit after he said that. It really could be, but should it matter whether it’s fake or not? Ink didn’t think so, but also didn’t know why he was in here to start.

“It’s just not a name in the records. I, however, found similar family names.” The organizers handed over the papers he had. “This man went missing over twenty-five years ago.” Ink looked at the papers, only fot realization to hit when it clicked in his head that he looked somewhat similar to Template.

Born in may be a different story, which means however he was never a registered citizen to even get taxes.

· · ·

Later in the afternoon, Template had been directed to a more training based place of the castle’s open outside area. Before he found himself lost in the gardens, just spending his day wandering. Walking into a place with dummies and weapons admittedly made him nervous with past memories, but ultimately he kept himself walking. No one said this would be new to him anyways.

Template eventually found Ink waiting for him, a big smile across his face. It was obvious he has some plan. “Good afternoon, Template.” He was now seeming too polite compared to his attempts to be a jerk to his new ‘servent’.

“Hi…” Template mumbles berore looking around. “Why did you want me to meet you here exactly?” He knew something had to be up. Why not the room they technically shared instead of a place meant to train a soldier? Clearly this was more than talking, even when one of the servers said Ink wanted to speak to him.

“I thought I’d get some training in, that’s all.” Ink took a few area foward, making Template watch him carefully. “A king should know how to defend himself and I need a training dummy…” Ink moved to take a sword up in his hand, inspecting it a bit. “I thought you’d be perfect.”

Template grew worried. It was nice to stay here since he really had no where else to live basically, so he never really planned to go ever, but this made enough terrible memories flash in his head. He kept an eye on the sword, readying himself to dodge it if he may need to.

Ink walked over slowly, but instead of swinging his sword, he throws a punch to just under Template’s ribs and cutting up. “I’ll give you one tip, I love to trick people, good to know it works too.” The king says as he watches Template keel over onto his knees, almost throwing up his lunch scraps from earlier.

Ink was going to walk away and conclude it there, but something grabbed his ankle and attempted to twist it wrong, making him fall over with a yelp. “You tell tips before they’re needed usually…” Template mumbles, glaring down at Ink clearly with some kind of new, unknown burning fire in his eyelights as he got up from the ground.

· · ·

It’s been awhile since Template came to the castle. The vivid memory of the black skeleton glaring with rage was still in Ink’s head whenever it decided to rear it’s head, mainly when Ink ever tried to do something bad to Template. It held secrets he couldn’t seem to figure out, and his skill with fighting Ink eventually came to know seemed to show a locked door to the past. Maybe it showed why and how Template held a strong face to all these bad things. Ink didn’t know, but even with more sparring so Ink didn’t look like he just came up with it to be mean and fake, he still couldn’t unlock anything to Template.

That just drove Ink to a stronger curiosity, but the more bad things he did to Template, the more optimistic responses he would get. It felt like teasing, and it slowly made him feel more crazy. Template seemed to know it too, at least that’s what Ink’s mind would say.

There was one point it made him snap.

Template walked into Ink’s room afrer finishing the list of chores given by the king himself, before stopping in shock at the doorway. Blood was across the floor and led to the window that was open. Blankets were ripped off the bed, the entire room was a mess. Did an assassin do this? No, it was too messy of an aftermath. Yet, it still panicked him. As trained as he knows they are, mess up sometimes happen. Maybe Ink ended up ending himself?

Template marched forward even if his thoughts weighed on his chest. He looked out the window and down, but saw no body at all. That didn’t make much-

“Do I look like the kind of man who dies?” It was Ink’s voice that made him realize he was rambling his thoughts out loud to himself.

~ ~ ~

ITS DONE A DAY MORE THAN I EXPECTED WOO

I have 2 more of these au prompts but I have another prompt I’m getting ideas for, so ill take a break with that pfft. Im having fun with the prompts!! I can almost manage to get one out in two days of work so that’s something!!

~Mod Taco

[followerofmercy]

So YET ANOTHER of my friends just announced their decision to kill themselves. 

A quick message from me to anyone out there considering suicide.

Don’t. 

It will IRREPARABLY screw up your friends, family and anyone that even sorta knew you for life. My roommate remembers the kid that sat behind her in elementary school that killed himself. My mother just... isn’t right (she walked in on the aftermath. At age 9). You know I get anxiety attacks whenever people that I haven’t spoken to in awhile text me out of the blue now? I almost threw up in a Walmart today. Turns out my hunch was right. 

If you care about them at ALL, you will do the literal bare minimum of surviving for their sakes. Get help. The US’s hotline is 1-800-273-8255 and there’s an online chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. Generally speaking, you can call whatever your nation’s emergency number is and they will get you to someone you can speak with. There is no shame in getting help, real help. It’s certainly better than having all your relatives, friends and acquaintances crying and drinking at 4:00 4:30 5:00 in the morning.

And if you think that’ll prove they care?? YOU WON’T BE AROUND TO ENJOY IT. If you really aren’t getting the care you want/need, get help, or get new friends AND get help. 

Didja know suicide is as traumatic on the survivors as murder? Because it is! You’re killing their friend! Violently! 

Didja know it can cause suicide chains? One person’s suicide can be the last little push for someone else on the brink. Didja know it can cause intrusive thoughts in otherwise mentally healthy individuals? Guess how I know that! It sucks! 

Oh, and sometimes things won’t work out like anyone expects. For example, I got somebody to find my British buddy’s address and call the police on him, from the US. He’s probably in a mental hospital right now. (For a man who supposedly prided himself on being secretive, it was hilariously easy to dig up all his info.) He had a big going away thing planned; sent out an email to everyone he “cared” about, made a discord server so he could talk to a bunch of them at once, got a nice date set up, etc, now for nothing. Because he’s under suicide watch.  I have no idea what’s going to happen to him now.

You think an ocean will stop someone determined enough? A hurricane? National borders? They won't.

My other friend? She actually tried to kill herself, overdosed on something. I found her dad’s number (who was with her at the hospital while she got her stomach pumped) and told him e v e r y t h i n g. 

All those dirty little secrets? All the tearful depression uwu moments? Refusal to go to free therapy offered by the school? The cut scars? Weird religious things? Her girlfriend’s abusive tendencies? Not only did I tell him everything, I wrote it down in a nice little document to hand off to the psychiatrists. Because when somebody tries to take their own life, they have hit rock bottom. It does not get better from there and the secret keeping thing clearly didn’t work. Murderers don’t get a right to privacy, and taking your life is self-murder.

And yeah, I know it’s politically correct to say “die by suicide,” not “committing suicide.” I think that’s horse shit. (Ok to be fair, sometimes there are legitimate hormone inbalances and mental illness where suicide isn’t a conscious, consensual decision. That’s a bit different. That’s getting killed by a disease.) Stop GLORIFYING and EXCUSING suicide. It is NOT okay.

I hated to do that to my friend because she trusted me, but her life and recovery were more important than what she thought of me. We’re all growing up with awareness of mental illness nowadays, and you know that thing about treating suicide threats/attempts seriously? Yeah, that means NOT listening to the suicidal person’s insistence to keep all their urges and attempts a secret. NOT listening to them asking you not to get involved. 

You know, it’s a horribly awkward thing to explain to a 50 year old crying man that his daughter laying on a hospital bed full of tubes is a lesbian in a bad relationship and didn’t trust him enough to come out. He didn’t care, of course, because he loved her more than anything and her sexual preferences couldn’t change that. It’s also horrifically awkward to broadcast my friend’s issues with her mother to her father. She had a younger brother, too. He dropped out of school over this trauma.  

And it’s painful to realize that you’ve been used and tossed aside. We were very close! She drove all the way from Maryland to visit one day!  Anyway, she called me about four months prior to her attempt to tell me that (paraphrased) “I don’t feel anything for you. I don’t love you. I fake it. It’s like a game, putting on a new persona every place I go. I’m a sociopath.” 

I could smell the bullshit through the phone. 

So I told her I loved her anyway, (I believed what she said about the sociopathy, for some reason, and didn’t know how else to respond) and she got so mad because I wasn’t playing into her “See! Nobody cares about me!” act. She started yelling at me over the phone, “WHY DO YOU CARE?!” And I was just like, “I dunno. You can’t make me stop tho.” 

Anyway. She didn’t talk to me for another four months, I wanted to give her space and then I get the phone call from a friend. And I ended up having to organize like five people to give a coherent testimony and grief counsel her poor dad, because he had nobody. I talked to her once in the mental hospital to check up on her and then... nothing. 

We don’t talk anymore. We didn’t get closer afterwards, we completely split. It’s been... 2 years? 

Do I seem angry? I am. I cared about these people, still do, and they hurt the people I love. Do I seem calloused for shunting them off to medical professionals? Probably, but the thing is, the records show that I AM CLEARLY UNQUALIFIED TO KEEP SOMEONE FROM KILLING THEMSELVES. NOBODY has a friend who is qualified to do that. Get help. Don’t rely on people who are scared and very possibly in the same boat. It’s not their fault, but they will blame themselves. Look up survivor testimonies before you decide to take your life, see if you really want to inflict that pain on your loved ones. 

TLDR: Killing yourself is the actual cruelest thing you can do to the people you care about. Murder is wrong. If you can’t find a reason to live for yourself, then survive for everyone else. Call emergency services and get help.

[gch1995]

Captain Swan was like the cheap rip-off of Rumbelle. So how did they make their cheap, gross, and shallow pretty boy rip-off of Rumbelle look better than the far superior, deeply beautiful, and complex original couple? Systematically destroying every element of both halves of the deeply beautiful, emotionally complex, and unique original Rumbelle and kill off Neal to vilify Rumple to make their cheap, shallow, and gross rip-off look better by comparison, which they failed to do, anyway…It’s a sure fire way to win tons of viewers, and not piss off a huge portion of your original GA! It’s not like most of them weren’t majorly emotionally invested in Rumple’s story with Belle and Neal…*I’m being sarcastic, btw, in case that wasn’t already obvious...*

Ffs…I really came to hate this show, I’m glad I quit watching after S5 because I read spoilers that it only got worse for Rumbelle with the OOC toxic clusterfuck of the utter systematic character destruction of both Rumple and Belle as individual characters and a couple, which they used the Rumbaby to create for “fun” for A&E and these writers to make CS look better after they made them a romanticized abusive relationship in 5A, and lost half their audience by making Hook the Gary Stu of the show who everyone else got screwed over for at the last minute.

I was worried they would screw over Rumbelle in a way that finally went too far for people to just realistically reconcile after what they did to CS in 5A, and it looks like I was right from the spoilers I read for 6A…Because it’s not like A&E and these writers weren’t already systematically destroying both halves of Rumbelle enough as it already was to prop up Hook/CS when they killed off Neal. It’s not like it wasn’t already bad enough when they started all the Rumbelle drama with the fake dagger proposal, the magic hat, the lies, and the banishment that never was apologized for because it was framed as “girl power” for Belle to “put the beast in his place.” It’s not like it wasn’t already bad enough with Belle’s bizarre OOC newcharacterization of being back-and-forth with Rumple, being cowardly, hypocritical, stupid, unnecessarily cruel, controlling, insensitive, and lacking in empathy with Rumple, refusing to let him get a word in edgewise, even when he tried to reach out to her gently and honestly for her understanding and compassion, and even when he did nothing wrong, while she let Hook, Regina, and Zelena get away with using her to hurt Rumple and trusted and forgave all of them for hurting her and her true love because the narrative “needed” to vilify Rumple. It’s not like it wasn’t already bad enough when Rumple took back the curse because he claimed that “It’s the man that he was,” and “I like the darkness.”

This shit in 6A, though. This shit was just too fucking stupid and OOC to believe.

The unborn Rumbaby being a full grown adult God of Dreams with a fully formed personality and opinions in Belle’s subconscious, who she actually believes immediately without question for no damn reason when he tells her that “Rumple will destroy the family?”

BULLSHIT!

Belle talking about how she’d rather stay in a sleeping curse with her unborn child to avoid Rumple forever based off of what a dream said for no fucking reason, even before Rumple starts screwing up?

BULLSHIT!!

Belle staying on Hook’s ship, and talking to him and Snow about how she spent too long trying to make things work with Rumple, even before Rumple starts doing anything wrong in the arc, even though the writers have conveniently ignored the fact that Belle has an apartment above the library that Rumple gave her, even though she’s perfectly a-ok forgiving and trusting the man who tried to kill her four times to piss off Rumple, even though Hook’s “apology” for attempting to murder her has come too late in the series and he openly admits to letting her stay on his ship is something that he openly admits to doing to piss off Rumple when the worst that Rumple has done to her at this point in the series was keep her in the dark about his shady schemes in S4?

BULLSHIT!!!

Rumple having a Dark One 2.0 2007 Britney Spears style mental breakdown mid-life crisis when he cuts his hair because he doesn’t like the man he sees in the mirror, so he starts acting like a controlling, and potentially dangerous blindly insane dick to Bellle of nowhere?

BULLSHIT!!!!

Like, I could understand it if this bizzarely problematic shift in Rumple’s attitude had an organic lead up without all the stupid magical plot contrivances and twists that come out of the blue, and the breaking of preestablished rules used to force him to that extreme. I could understand it if Belle didn’t “have” to be made uncharacteristically, unnecessarily, and overdramatically cruel, cowardly, stupid, and hypocritical to push him over the edge. I could understand if these writers understood realistic human psychology, trauma, mental illnesses, consistent characterization, and they didn’t destroy or sideline other characters/ships to prop up their faves.

But on this show where I had barely survived through the pain that was S4 and S5 of Rumple’s being framed as an OOC one note stereotypical villain badly enough as it already was to prop up Hook/CS, Regina, and Zelena onto pedestals that they didn’t deserve by ignoring all of the trauma, loss, and grief he had endured, and the near erasure of his fantastic character development and selfless sacrifice from S1-3A? I didn’t want to see them try to portray Rumple’s self-destructive addict tendencies a third time around because he was a “difficult man to love” because A&E and these writers did not want, and/or did not know how to portray mental illness and trauma in Rumple’s character consistently, organically, sympathetically, and realistically.

They usually just ignored all that complexity in his character to frame him as a one note villain to the other characters and the audience, and refused to let them be sympathetic or understanding of him until he had finally come to the brink when it was finally convenient for Belle to actually hear him out, listen, understand why after she had refused to do so for most of the arc to push him over the edge, and he responded with some variation of “Who could ever love me,” which was always tragic with Bobby’s acting. But it was getting repetitive now because Belle should have understood this fact about Rumple after 4A in 6A, Rumple should have known that trying to fix things with magic without Belle’s consent would only make things worse in 6A after 4A, and both of them should have been smart enough to sit back and think about how ridiculous this shit with the dream zygote was. So I did not want to see a third round of character assassination one more time around at all an all time low where both he and Belle were being pitted against each other at incredibly OOC, illogical, and gross low point as enemies in this stupid magical custody battle clusterfuck over an unborn baby who somehow had the power to be the God of Dreams, orchestrate his own kidnapping, and dupe both of his intelligent parents after getting duped by the Black Fairy before he was even fucking born, especially when I knew I had seen a variation of this same plot done before in 4A. While that didn’t make total sense either, it didn’t feel so incredibly cheap, contrived, painful, unbelievable, and stupid as this shit in 6A did with all of the trauma that Rumple had been through in the context in 3B, even if it wasn’t that well written, or sympathetic in the narrative from his POV, either

Golden Queen “romance?”

BULLSHIT!!!!!

I mean, the retcons in the flashbacks were incredibly OOC for both Rumple and Regina. In the present day storyline context, it was wildly OOC for the EQ to sexually assault Rumple twice, and have a crush on him that she never seemed to before. As for Rumple giving into her advances, playing along with her, and using her to kill Zelena for him after those two kisses that she forced on him in the present day storyline? I mean, he flinched back from those two kisses, and we know he was sexually abused by Zelena for a whole year, so I could buy that he would emotionally manipulate the EQ to kill Zelena for him with his sexuality because he wanted the shears, and because he didn’t want to be seen as weak through their whole deal, so he used the darkness to cover up his vulnerabilities. I could see if it really “meant nothing,” and he had absolutely no intention of honoring his end of that indirectly implied deal he made with EQ to bang her in return for killing Zelena for him that he offered, he had absolutely no genuine romantic or sexual interest or intentions with her either way, and this was all just a horribly self-destructive, gross, and unethical way to survive his PTSD for as long he “needed” to do it in their deal. And that’s definitely my headcanon.

Unfortunately, A&E and these writers tried to do everything in their power to demonize Rumple throughout that whole thing with the EQ by shrouding his POV. Rumple’s PTSD being triggered by the EQ and Zelena isn’t an excuse for playing her, of course, but the writers literally forgot about the fact that she sexually assaulted him twice first, and then deliberately cut that scene where he ran into Zelena at Granny’s right before that scene in 6x07 where she walked in on them making out, which would have implied that Rumple had been planning on doing this whole time since the end of 6x04 when she forced that kiss on him, and was very likely expecting her to walk in on him and the EQ when they were making out in 6x07. But Bobby looked highly uncomfortable and dead inside when he was making out with Lana in those scenes, he fought Eddy against the whole GQ storyline, and he knows Rumple’s character better than A&E and their team of hacks do, so I took his interpretation in his acting as Rumple in those scenes to heart way more than whatever the fuck A&E and these writers were trying to imply in their piss poor excuse for writing on a dying show that should have ended three-and-a-half seasons before it ever had the chance to make it to this tragically pitiful and nearly laughable hollowed out shell of the fantastic show with well-written complex characters that it used to be once upon a time (pun intended).

Like I said, I hate this show, or at least the show that it became after “Going Home,” and Nealfire’s death…

I also don’t respect A&E and these writers anymore for how abruptly, cruelly, and deliberately they mistreated Rumple, Belle, Rumbelle, Neal, Emma, and Henry’s characters, stories, relationships, and fans in the writing after “Going Home,” so that Eddy Kitsis and these writers could have their love affair with Hook/CS and Zelena!

I still ship Rumbelle from S1-S3, and I still ship them in fanon where the writing for them, whether it be angsty, romantic, tragic, or bittersweet, is always sympathetically in-character, consistent, emotionally complex, organic, realistic, healthy, well-written, and well-earned.

But I’m glad I quit watching this show after S5 because it became clear that they were systematically destroying both halves of Rumbelle out of spite to prop up Hook/CS, and I didn’t need to see that shit anymore. It wasn’t good for my mental health, and I’m honestly regretting that I ever even read the recaps and spoilers for 6A on tumblr.

As far as I’m concerned, the real show ended with “Going Home” because that was the last time I fully recognized my favorite characters/otp, the last time I was mostly satisfied with everyone from season one’s character development, and the last time that any of the writing on this show made any sort of consistent, meaningful, and realistic sense before becoming a cheesy, stupid, and toxic romantic magical soap opera Drama™️ fanfic rewrite centered around Hook/CS as the lead character/couple with no continuity, no depth, no organic original growth, and no character or storytelling integrity.

Belle being needlessly cruel by telling Rumple that he is “worse than evil,” and “being too weak to be good” for being afraid to fail their son as a father when she knows Neal died not that long ago?

BULLSHIT!!!!!! She had every right to be angry at him for not telling her right away about plotting to use the shears on their son without her consent, and for handing off dark magical macguffins to the EQ, but twisting his words, and using his fears against him by being mean? That’s not Belle.

Belle attempting to kidnap the unborn baby with Zelena’s help, and gloating over to Rumple angrily about how she and his abuser and the murderer of his first son were “alike,” while mocking him about how she was almost “free” when he caught her, and stopped her in 6x08?

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!

And yes, it would have been attempted kidnapping in this instance in real life that she would have been arrested for in this episode because the only evidence she had that Rumple was a serious “danger” to their unborn child with the shears at this point, and that he was having an “affair” with the EQ was all hearsay from Zelena. Zelena was not a reliable source to Rumple’s motives with the shears, or Rumple’s true intentions with the EQ. She didn’t actually know whether Rumple actually was planning to bang her or not, and I really don’t think he ever was because he told Belle that it meant nothing, anyway, and swatted away the EQ like a fly as soon as she broke their deal by hurting Belle, and didn’t kill Zelena for him.

Rumple threatening to speed up Belle’s pregnancy recklessly in a dissociative panic when she already had that fucking cuff on her wrist, and wasn’t going anywhere because he was so obsessed with these stupid shears?

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know a lot of people who watched said that it was strongly implied that Rumple was, even subconsciously, trying to deescalate himself by warning Belle to come back to him before doing it ahead of time, and showing her the aging dust in that little bottle in his hand when he terrorized her in the library with the threat to do it before calling him out, and talking him down. I do believe that the writer of this episode was trying to imply to the audience that Rumple was looking for a “no” from Belle, even subconsciously, because he didn’t know how else to descalate himself, and I do believe that. However, it still was a wildly OOC nearly unforgivable extreme that they forced him to, so they could bring this story to the unnecessary brink of past the point of no return for Rumple and Belle ever reconciling again for absolutely no reason, other than to give Belle a reason to genuinely be afraid and distrustful enough of him to give up their baby to the Black Fairy (in disguise as Blue) to give him his “best chance.”

It’s just like how Belle didn’t actually “need” to attempt to kidnap their unborn child in the episode before this, or how Belle didn’t “need” to banish Rumple across the town line with nothing. It’s just like how it didn’t make any sense for Rumple to try to give Belle the dagger at all, considering how terrified he was of being controlled again. I could see if his heart had started blackening before he left for New York, and the dagger was his veiled plea for her to help him fight the darkness because he couldn’t tell her the truth with his heart being consumed by the curse, but they never made that explicitly clear in the narrative and they ruined most credibility in that when they had him take the curse back because “it was the man that he was.” It’s just like how Belle’s back-and-forthedness with Rumple in S5 made no sense. It’s just like how Belle agreeing to take Rumple’s car and go see the world in a middle of a crisis in town after proclaiming “A hero never runs away” two episodes a day earlier in the timeline before, just because she was having relationship doubts. These writers forced their characters into OOC directions and extremes that weren’t actually necessary, just so they could fulfill their (oftentimes character assassinating and disappointing) plot twists, especially with Rumple and Belle post 3A, and I was finally fed up with it by 6A, even though I didn’t watch any of that clusterfuck.

The Rumbaby being the villain of the week under the hood after being duped by the Black Fairy to dupe his parents to turn against each other, so that he could orchestrate his kidnapping from them at birth before he was even fucking born because Rumple using the shears on him would have prevented this shit from happening?

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam and Eddy claiming that all this systematic character destruction of every element in Rumple and Belle’s individual characters and relationship together was “fun” and “hopeful,” and that they had been planning this storyline with the Black Fairy for a long time now, even though we all knew by now that they had no sense of self-awareness or ability to learn from their bad writing choices, every Dearie/Rumbelle fanfic writer was writing stories for the characters and relationship that they created a billion times better than they ever could imagine for free on ao3 and ff.net than the vile garbage these piss poor excuses for professional writers and show-runners were still getting paid to spew after they ran out of ideas on their after 3A and shit on Rumbelle deliberately to prop up their faves, and most people planned ahead more thoughtfully for their graduation speeches, what to wear on a date, and school projects than these hacks spent on their now dead trash show?

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! At this point, I was just laughing bitterly at them still taking themselves as such “genius” storytellers. I wasn’t even blaming the characters for being this wildly OOC and badly written anymore because it wasn’t really even worth it anymore when A&E and these writers fucked them up for their stupid sensationalist plots, CS pandering, and inability to stick to any sort of consistent realistic characterization, development, timeline, rules, or storytelling integrity, let alone even trying to tell any story with any sort of deeper purpose or meaning at all at this point, anyway. This show was just a cash grab for them at this point for Disney product placement, and Hook/CS.

[jouchi-josei]

lot of feelings.

i managed to write this a couple weeks ago. (i don’t remember if it was before or after i ghosted everyone. hah.)

this is the raw truth of what i felt in those moments, writing what i’ve been so desperate to say. whether the sentiment behind all of this is still present now doesn't matter.

save your time from trying to help me: i’m kind of already a lost cause.

spend your time reaching out. to those who feel like they have no one on their side. to those who aren’t comfortable enough to speak up. to those who aren’t as lucky as i.

i was supposed to cover “Words Fail” from Dear Evan Hansen and post it, but lately, i can barely get out of bed without being in extreme pain, both emotionally and physically.

///// suicide & extreme hopelessness trigger warning //////

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKP9UdIcXFk

“Words Fail.” Not only the title of the song, but a reminder. A reminder that no matter how hard you wish to explain yourself through spoken or written word, there is only so much that can do to express your true self. As someone who is lucky enough to be able to explain themselves through words at a decently comprehensible level, not being able to do so is so disheartening. So exhausting. So… isolating.

Before coming to Japan, I rarely experienced that. I always had a particular metaphor or analogy that could help others understand where I’m coming from. When I looked at people, I could see it click in their minds: they understood me on some kind of level. Some kind of understanding was enough for me. I managed to do that through word alone.

But… I lost that. I couldn’t explain the crippling loneliness, the lack of motivation, the overwhelming insecurities, the inability to get out of bed. I couldn’t explain why my depression was so bad.

People kept asking me, kept advising me, kept… trying.

Long after I stopped.

Rather than taking the time to try and explain myself thoroughly, I merely answered with an, “I don’t know,” because trying to formulate a proper response was too fatiguing.

My suicidal ideation is as heavy as it was the weeks following my last suicide attempt. And I mean that: it is. People have been fighting to keep me afloat, and I do not want their efforts to be for naught, but it’s been real difficult when I have not only a lack of a will to live, but a strong desire to die. Lack of a positive + presence of a negative = overwhelming negative.

When I was physically separated from my amazing support system and suddenly couldn’t avoid my problems by sleeping, I was forced to spend more time in my own head.

I was forced to really see myself. Discover more about myself. And the longer that that happened, the more I realized how much I hate myself. How disgusted I feel when I think about my being. I merely avoided it by focusing on other people. But being here forced me to confront myself straight-on. And what an unsightly thing it is.

I mess up a lot. Over and over and over again. And I was forced to come to terms with: even if your heart is full of immense regret and you swear to never do it again, people still might not give you a second chance. And they’re not obligated to. You just have to recognize that you messed up. And decide to do better next time.

But I’m also at the point of: why should I forgive myself when they won’t forgive me either? Why should I cut myself loose so easily?

They’re good people. Amazing people.

I’m the mess up.

I shouldn’t share something people have told me in confidence. I shouldn’t betray someone’s trust like that. I shouldn’t... use "coping” as a fucking an excuse instead of just owning up to the fact that I messed up. I hurt people I care about. And I need to take whatever repercussions come along with that.

My friends have called me out on this, but I didn’t do anything about it until recently. Like, mad recently. And the only reason I decided to do something about it was because my defenses were so broken down, I was forced to recognize that, even if I had no ill-intention, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt others.

My mom would do the same exact thing to me. Air out my dirty laundry for everyone to see. And I mean, literally everyone.

Like mother, like daughter, I guess.

(Don’t want to be, though.)

There are times where I wish I didn't have my heart open for everyone to see, I wish I didn’t “lead with the worst of me”. I wish I could stay quiet and not be vulnerable with people. Because now there are people who have parts of me I wish I could take back.

But no. That’s not who I am.

Inauthenticity I despise more than anything else. Of course, I could always just keep my heart tucked away, for only a select group to see, but my extreme trust issues say, “Share everything with everyone all the time! So no one can talk about you behind your back and use it against you! Because you don’t trust anyone ever! And that’s why you’ll never really love anyone!”

And yet, part of me has been terrified to talk about it: my suicidality. Because I’m so scared of being pulled back to America. I’m scared of whether my efforts of fighting for Japan will end up being futile.

The main thing that I’ve been fighting for for my own sake was Japan. The opportunity to study abroad was actually taken away from me back in January. Due to my mental illness and my “risk factor” of being abroad, UT decided to pull the decision from me. They offered me to study abroad in the Fall semester (those of who know how studying abroad in Japan works know that that would be impossible). They asked me how I felt over the phone. Was I meant to respond in a chipper voice, excitedly accepting their choice? (spoiler: I didn't) And they didn’t even offer me any kind of chance to try and prove I was stable enough to go abroad.

I had to find the solution myself, without their help.

I don’t… want to prove them right. UT screwed me over. Took away the one thing I wanted for myself.

I fought for it still.

And now that I’m here in Japan: a country that has no easy access to mental health professionals, xenophobic towards any and nearly every kind of 外人, and where my voice is lost among the overwhelming crowds…

I question whether I should be here or not. But America also holds a lot of bad memories for me too. Which one is better to lean towards? Who knows? People ask me whether I want to stay or to leave? I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I want to die.

But I’m tired of faking it. Faking that I’m living a luxurious life in an amazing country. Faking that I’m having a good time when in reality, I spend more time crying and wanting to die than I don’t. Faking that I’m capable when in reality, I am so weak.

I’m done “pretend(ing) that I’m something better than these broken parts; pretend(ing) I’m something other than this mess that I am. ‘Cause then I don’t have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it. No. No one can really see.”

(Please do listen the song simply for that portion [^] Please.)

So, here I am: extremely suicidal in a country where I feel like I don’t belong. Here I am: too exhausted to try and carve a me-shaped space into this place. Here I am: having an identity crisis of who is Kamea versus KayCee, and questioning why it feels as though there is such a huge discrepancy between the two. Here I am: resisting the everyday urge to self-harm, not even for my own sake. Here I am: seeing all of the mistakes I made and wishing so badly I can undo all the hurt and pain I caused. Here I am: wanting so badly to just disappear and never return. Here I am: wishing I didn’t have an overwhelming love for my friends.

Because if I didn’t, I’d be long gone.

But no. No, I had to care about people and have a love cultivated and nurtured for them and have a desire to witness their lives with all their accomplishments and failures. Witness how far they go even if I may not be a direct part of their lives anymore. How badly I want to see my friends (all of you) go off and do great things. Because I know that you all will because you all already have. Pride swells up in my chest as I see all that my friends have done and do. And I love all of you, overwhelmingly so.

But.

I wish… God. I wish I didn’t.

I wish my heart didn’t burst every time I saw someone I loved. I wish I didn’t look at people and think, “Yeah. This is okay. This is worth living for.”

I wish I didn’t have that.

Because then this would finally be over.

But no. I had to care about people and have people care about me. They reciprocated in ways I never thought they would. My friends have made such strong efforts and put their trust in me even long after I begged them not to because I’m as ephemeral as they come. I am fleeting, and all I will do is leave destruction in my wake.

As much as I wish I could disappear in a puff of smoke, my friends would probably see my leaving as detrimental: a destructive explosion rather than a raincloud fading away to let the sun shine.

My friends held their hands out to me and I made the mistake of reaching back. And now, they won’t release me any time soon.

How badly I wish they would. Because I am a bomb with the timer counting down. Because I’ve shown such horrible sides of myself and yet they love me through all of it. Why? Is it because I’m a project person and humans feel this integral need to help/fix people and they are using me to fulfill that craving? Or is it because they care about me? Wholly and unconditionally?

God, I don’t understand at all. I don’t deserve their love or their trust, but I have it. I don’t… understand.

I don’t know what to do. I used to say, “I’ll figure it out” rather than saying, “I don’t know.”

But… I’m at that point. I don’t know. Nor do I think I will ever.

I know that talking about this is what's keeping me alive. Having this conversation, even if people aren’t “ready” to have it, is important. Because I never EVER want anyone to feel the way that I do. But I know that there are. Some of them may even be reading this. My heart aches for you.

Talking about it is my lifeline right now. Sharing my voice and my story just in case someone may need to hear it.

But... I’m also tired of talking about it.

I hope... that people can still do it. Be a leader in pushing mental health awareness. Be a leader in showing that talking about suicide is not taboo. Be a leader in fighting against those who try to silence you, including yourself.

Even though I won’t anymore. I am tired. Exhausted. Done. It’s a waiting game for me now.

10 years since my depression manifested. 5 straight years of everyday, non-stop suicidal thoughts. Some people may see that as a short amount of time. Yeah. You're right. I'm weak. And tired. And over it.

I put in as much work as I can. I’ll just cheer from the sidelines from now on.

Good luck to all of you. To all of you who still have that drive to continue forward. I believe in you. And I know you will accomplish great things.

I wish you all the best.

^

i wrote the ending of this post the day that i managed to complete my plan of suicide, details and all: i was... just waiting for the energy.

it never came.

so, i’m... still here.

[kaijoucorp]

I don’t usually vent, but this is really. Really. Getting to me. If you don’t appreciate negativity, scroll past and ignore.

I’m going to vent here because the person I am going to vent about follows me on all social media but here.

So I have a friend that I’ve been with since I was in year 7. They’ve been suicidal since then and recently it has been becoming worse. They’ve been cutting themselves. In front of me. In front of the whole class. And I always have to be the one responsible for it. 

I’m sure other people notice it, but I’m always the one who has to take them to the nurse’s office and excuse us from class. This has been happening constantly for like. A year now. Every week. 

I’ve reached a point where I’m so tired of dealing with their negativity and honestly, they’re really toxic. I’m actually pretty sure they do this all for attention. 

They’ve been saying that they want to kill themselves for years but they haven’t, and I don’t want to seem cold or heartless but I really think it’s all just a fake act to get people’s attention. 

All they really do is talk about death and it doesn’t help that I’m always with them.  Lately I’ve been kinda ignoring them whenever they say that stuff or say things like “Okay” and “well then” to stop the topic there but they keep going and it’s so shit. 

It’s okay to vent to your friends but there is a certain limit. To me, it feels like my friend relies on me too much to carry all this weight. I can’t breathe. Their problems are becoming mine when it shouldn’t.

I know that they’re mentally ill and they’re diagnosed with depression, but really? Ughhhghgh. I don’t know. I’m just so tired, and it’s hard doing my last year of school when I have to deal with a loud speaker which spits out nothing but negativity and death. 

It’s triggering to me. I’ve gone through shit. I’ve been suicidal. And they make me remember those horrible days. AND THEY KNOW THIS. Yet they dump all this shit onto me, cut themselves in front of me, stab themselves in front of me, talk about death and gore, and they wonder why I grimace and wince and cringe??? 

I find it really annoying that they apologise all the time. because I know they don’t mean it. if they were really sorry, they wouldn’t be using me like this, right? they have friends other than me. 

Ughh. But yeah. On the bright side: RPing on tumblr has been good stress relief for me. So thanks to all my partners and sorry if I’m late with replies.

[phantomoftheteahouse-blog]

Farewell: An Explanation

To my threading partners, I am sorry to leave. This is very much an individual callout post, and you are not required to read it. I loved my time here with you. I am sorry that your administration has driven me out, and then withdrawn from my own endeavors and stolen membership from us in doing so, but those who would blindly follow a false god belong with them.

On the 28th of March last year I found courage and solace in liberating myself, on this blog, from an oppressive regime founded under a woman of vile constitution and false humanity who used emotional manipulation, gaslighting, lies, cowardice, and abuses of her power to control the system and drive people as an empty god on her hollow throne.

Today, the 11th of January, I have been quietly dismissed, without my drop even being published, by another such coward, someone who prides themselves on their ability to criticize others while claiming openness. We became friends because of our mutual trauma and we found new homes. Together. It saddens me now to be forced to leave by the same hand as one year ago. Much like a manectric blaming you for their electricity shocking you, I find a new, evolved version of the same problematic behavior here in UBR.

I am glad to leave, given how the situation has been handled. With no attempt to speak with me, one of the individuals affected, and you can plainly see the mass drop and understand who was affected, I find myself once again unable to be quiet despite being in some ways silenced by management. The moderators left here at UBR are essentially a puppeteer and its playthings, abusing the system and their own rules, cowering away from responsibility while controlling things, and actively spreading lies when concerns are brought up.

My dear Jiji, did you really think you could exaggerate and stretch the truth to people as though no screenshots of reality exist to disprove your ridiculous nonsense? Did you really think you could casually and constantly victimize my child without me knowing? Without any of us knowing? Already you poison people against us. Why? How could you possibly claim the victim after being so horrible to people? How could you possibly spin this? I know how, and it because you are too much like her.

The cultish false happiness of your server makes me physically ill because of the fakeness of it all. Screaming joy at people and love as though you really mean it despite turning around and stabbing your fellow mod in the back multiple times and slandering her name? To her friends? You are no different from Cas, and I don’t mean only in how you mod, but how you write, how you manipulate other roleplayers around you, how you don trauma on your muses as accessories to make them interesting. It makes me sick. In many ways, from how you interact with people to how you write to how you run this group:

You, Jiji, are no different from Cas.

And this is why I have had to leave. Your inability to be a proper mod who follows their own rules, your manipulation of other mods into puppets for your defense, especially around sloppy activity and an unwillingness to take responsibility for it, the way you encourage unhealthy behaviors in your fellow muns in the discord server, the way you nearly force people to coddle and celebrate your muses, and furthermore your disregard for most things. You ignore canon everywhere to suit your needs and then criticize people for doing the same thing.

Hypocrite that you are, slanderer, liar, manipulator, tyrant, and above all else, coward, even sending your puppet to do your work for you because it’s too hard and no one else can have emotions or need things because yours are more important, who try to silence voices and manipulate speech patterns for your own comfort, who use your mental affliction as an excuse for bad behavior with no remorse and no attempt at taking responsibility or improving, but tout your adjustedness as an advice giver to people, I fear for those who you fold in the way I did for every single person Cas made her confidante. You are the problem with UBR, a problem I have had since this place opened.

It is no exaggeration to say that since you founded UBR, I have been concerned that your behavior as mod was too much like Cas. It makes me so angry to see you become her. It makes me so angry to see this place be just like NatPark, but bigger, and less self aware. I am so disappointed in you.

[aquarianlights]

Coming out as transgender to people who you have absolutely no idea if they're going to reject you or not is worse and way more traumatic than coming out to people who you KNOW are going to reject you.

I'm literally fucking sobbing right now. Two of my oldest friends... Two people I have known since pre-k...maybe before that...Jymboree... That. That was before pre-k, right? Well, I've known them since Jymboree.........and I don't think either of them know I am transgender. One of them only just now found me on FB and we haven't spoken since... early college years. And the other...we haven't spoken in a few years.

I'm just coming out to them both RIGHT NOW....and I'm shaking and crying. I'm literally shaking and there are tears rolling down my cheeks.... I have known these two girls probably 24 of my 25 years of existence. Maybe almost a full 25. They were two of the biggest influences in my entire life....and they are like sisters who I grew up with.

I only found out I was transgender and not just "faking it/pretending to be a boy" around the age of 20-22ish. I honest to god thought I was pretending and my ex girlfriend breaking up with me after over 5 years of an LD relationship because she thought I was pretending, too, was possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Not THAT it happened...but how it happened. And the things I have experienced from being transgender... specifically from cishet males... is horrible.

And people misgendering me and just not understanding for some reason??? I'm sorry, but even if you're on the autism spectrum, you can understand when someone says they're a boy, they're a boy. You're not misunderstanding this because you're autistic; you're misunderstanding it because you're a white, cishet dude who apparently has a crush on me.

Receiving a text that says or someone saying "I'm sorry, but it's just weird for a me, being a straifght guy, to have a crush on you as a transboy." LET ME MAKE ONE THING CLEAR RIGHT FUCKING NOW: YOU EITHER HAVE A CRUSH ON ME OR YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT. There is ///////////NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/////// inbetween. You cannot be male and like another male and call yourself straight. Can you? Then how can you like me and call yourself straight? I'm just as male as you are. Always have been, always will be. Before and after HRT + gender correction surgeries. Just because I am transgender and haven't transitioned yet does not make me ANY LESS of a man than you in ANY way.

There is literally no way in this world or logic or ANYTHING that can state factually that you can be straight and male and have a crush on me. I don't understand how a man can call himself straight if he has a crush on another man? Can someone explain that to me? Please? I'm just DYING to know. And for anyone who is autistic (I think I have like maybe 2 or 3 friends on the spectrum here on FB and who knows how many on tumblr where I'm gonna c/p this to), you have absolutely no excuse. If a fucking child can understand that I'm a man....so can you. Idk if autism and down syndrome are synonymous... I don't think they are, coz my cousin has down syndrome and he's not like any of the autistic people I've spoken with online... (So I'm a little confused there), BUT EVEN HE UNDERSTANDS I AM MALE OKAY! He can't even speak for himself or change himself or dress himself or do anything for himself. He holds a bagging position at a local grocery store with help. Other than that, that's about it. He is in his late 20's and he acts like a child...always pulling my hair, can't speak correctly, speaks through sounds and groans and motions, reacts emotionally like...toddler-like emotions...Stuff like that to give examples. And I thought, for the longest time (coz I was ignorant and sheltered) that that was what autism was.

Well, I'm sorry, but if my cousin WITH THAT SEVERITY OF DOWN SYNDROME (which may or may not be autism?????? I have no clue on any developmental issues coz I only have mental disorders and not developmental issues and I only study psuedo-sciences (aka psych things) relevant to myself because I'm forced to so I'm ignorant by choice here which is probably abelist but it emotionally hurts me to look at this stuff) CAN UNDERSTAND THAT I'M A BOY EVEN WHEN I'M IN A DRESS AND HIGH HEELS WITH MAKE-UP ON, UNDERCOVER IN DISGUISE FOR A FAMILY FUNCTION.... ANY OF YOU AUTISTIC PEOPLE CAN. NONE OF YOU HAVE ANY EXCUSE. NO ONE WITH A DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDER, MENTAL ILLNESS, OR ANYTHING HAS ANY EXCUSE. AND, NO, I'M SORRY, BUT YOUR BIGOTRY IS THE SAME AS PEDOPHILIA BEING INCLUDED IN THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY: IT'S NOT COUNTING AND IT NEVER WILL BE, YOU SICK FUCK.

I'm just....I'm just so scared and so angry and so hurt and so...

All the experiences I've had irl and online with both people I know and people I don't know and anything inbetween...professionals and acquaintances and anything inbetween... I'm fucking traumatized by it all and yes that's actually part of my PTSD. It's not the main part of it, but the trauma associated with accumulated experiences due to being out and proud as a transman are a part of my extremely severe PTSD. Again, not the main part...but the fact they are a chunk is scary... Coz that means it could be the ENTIRE reason for someone's PTSD if they were to have lesser experiences than me (lesser being used in quantitative terms here, not qualitative---everyone's traumas are equal...the times we experience traumas are all different, obvs, and the times we experience traumas that contribute to PTSD are different and since I have so goddamn many, thinking some trans person could have PTSD based SOLELY around their experience as a trans person is horrifying when that is one of the least of my worries in the PTSD category).

I didn't realizing coming out could be this terrifying...

When I thought I was pretending to be male and was actually female irl, I thought I was just a lesbian since I am attracted to mostly girls. (Didn't know bi and pan was a thing either lol) so I came out on my very first day at a new school sophomore year of hs by people asking me or something and me doing something really bold and rash to prove it and then shrugging and being all "And? What are you gonna do about it?" Like. Coming out as lezz was as though I were coming out as human in my mind. It absolutely did not matter to me at all. 

And, frankly, I got off on it mentally coz it added a shock value when someone called me a dyke in a crowd and I would grab the nearest girl and ask her permission to kiss her and kiss her as hard as I could and then throw her aside (gently) into the crowd and strut right up to said (cishet white male obvs) person who asked and stand so close he could smell the shampoo I use and look him directly in the eye and dare him to do something about it and basically say "Are you just angry I get more pussy than you? Is that why you tried to make it public that you've got such a small dick?" Stuff like that. I get filmed a lot doing this stuff so there's prob videos of little female-presenting, bright blue haired, 5'1 3'4" kandi kid, harajuku girl Nickita version of me floating around being all confrontational and angry. Lol.

I forget why I made this post.

Oh yeah. Because I'm crying and shaking coz my friends aren't gonna respond for a while I'm sure and Idk if I'm going to lose them and at the same time I am super super SUPER sick and drained by guys not treating me as equal to them when I'm just as male as they are, with or without the parts.

I’m seriously so drained by cishet boys. By the ace thing and by the trans thing. I’m sick of cishet boys trying to coerce me into sex because they’re the “one exception” and I’m sick of cishet boys trying to say they’re straight but they have a crush on me, when I’m a boy. You CANNOT BE A STRAIGHT BOY AND HAVE A CRUSH ON A BOY!?!??!?!

These are things I deal with MULTIPLE times a day from MULTIPLE people...from people with autism and aspergers...to actual full on neurotypicals. Like. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

NOTE: I have since learned the aspergers, autism, and down syndrome are like...all different or something like that. I don’t really want to know, which is ableist af, but I don’t want to know on purpose. I want to stay ignorant on specifics. I just want the general knowledge and the tl;dr version of it all. At least....right now....maybe when I’m not about to have a panic attack, ready to slit my wrists, overdose, shoot someone, can slow down my thoughts, can force my intrusive thoughts back into intrusive thought zone and not desire zone, and can STOP HAVING AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS WHEN I KNOW DAMN WELL MY SCHIZO MEDS ARE WORKING THEY ARE WORKING THEY ARE WORKING SO THIS ISN’T REAL AND IDK WHY THIS IS HAPPENING....maybe then I’ll like to know specifics, but I cannot an will not handle specifics right now. No thanks. Pseudo-science are ew. It’s bad enough I have to lean my OWN psuedo-sciences. (Psst. I still only learn the tl;dr textbook version of my own pseudo-science stuff (aka: psych stuff) so I can just learn the rest from self experience. it works. pro tip, y’all.)