#alloace relationships

[rosetyler42]

I admit as an aroace shipper myself even I'm still learning how this works, but Drericka is Pan+Aspec. Grey, specifically. Drac's been in a total of 2 known relationships in 125 years with no genuine interest shown in anyone else. For him, This often manifests in his "Blue-screening"/Awkwardness and insecurity in relationships, even though he's supposedly more experienced and Ericka is actually quite supportive of the whole thing. They're very Gomez and Morticia/Fester and Debbie but Drac ISN'T quite as amorous as his Addams-esque inspirations - though there was that Transformania scene reminiscent of Gomez and Morticia at the charity auction, I don't see Drac seriously going wild when Ericka speaks french or kissing her up the arm or something like that outside of a bit. And despite her femme fatale mystique who loves messing with him/being his exception for alot of things and wants to loosen Drac up a bit, push comes to shove Ericka wouldn't go farther than Drac was really comfortable with when it counted. He IS romance and sex favorable though (I mean, Mavis had to come from somewhere, right?) and they're quite kinky together. That said, I personally tend to focus on fluff and occasional spice. For Drericka, alot of this is the two of them looking out for and taking care of each other since they're both traumatized anxious workaholics who're better at looking after other people than themselves. Part of the thing is, I'm not sure Drac KNOWS he's aspec or not, he has alot of internalized aphobia, and Ericka HERSELF is queer (also unknown if she KNOWS she is or not) raised by an aspec and is pretty much down for anything. They probably figure their own views are just...how people are until Pan and Greyrose were explained to them.

For Drartha, I believe they were both Greyrose, and again, didn't know it. You get the vibes theirs was a much more chaste/innocent seeming relationship based on Drac's reaction to Ericka and the Pack's "We never saw you like this" reaction. And then there's the famous "You only Zing once in your life" line that Martha famously said to Mavis (Also at the least Ace-spec.) They still very much give off Gomez and Morticia vibes, if nothing else Drac is very much the goofy "I love my wife" guy while Martha is the beautiful goth queen BUT they probably weren't QUITE as all over eachother (As much as I do love the idea of putting them in Gomez and Morticia-like situations. They ARE perfect.) Which is also common for aspecs where the attraction is different if the other person is allo or aspec.

Interestingly backwards from the way my friend @black-ak9 seems to have Ericka and Martha! (And Mavis.) They have Ericka as Demi and Martha and Mavis as Bi, I have Ericka as Pan and Martha and Mavis as aspec.

the issue with shipping aro/ace characters isn't putting them into relationships, it's the fact that no one adds how their sexuality impacts the relationship at large. And how it'll always be different from your average romantic relationship in some way.

[abookwasallittooktomakemeacrook]

"and historians said they were bestest of friends" they were. they were both aro/ace and in a qpr

[romancerepulsed]

aspec terms for beginners!

since it's trending right now, i feel like it might be helpful to clear up some basic aspec (but particularly aromantic, as we are the center of attention currently) terms. if you have absolutely any questions, i would be happy to answer, either in the replies, dms, or my inbox!

★・・・・・・★

the split attraction model (SAM): a model of human behavior that posits that, for some people, romantic and sexual attraction are not the same.

[most often this will come in the form of someone being aspec on one axis and allo (not aspec) on another. for example, a biromantic asexual may be romantically attracted to two or more genders, but sexually attracted to none. some people may even use SAM for allo identities– a bisexual lesbian may be sexually attracted to multiple genders, but only romantically attracted to women (note that this is not the only way that someone can be an mspec lesbian, just one way!). the SAM does not apply to everybody, not even all aspecs! there are non-SAM aros, for instance, who do not differentiate their aromanticism from their sexuality.]

aspec: a collection of queer spectrums centered around the lack of a certain attraction or identity. the most common spectrums under the aspec umbrella are asexual, aromantic, agender, and aplatonic, though there are many other ways to be aspec.

asexual: experiencing little to no sexual attraction.

[aces can still have sex– whether its because they experience some amount of sexual attraction or they just want to participate in sex because they find the act appealing in some other way. that being said, there are still plenty of aces who have not and will never have sex. it is a spectrum.]

aromantic: experiencing little to no romantic attraction.

[aros can still have romantic partners– whether its because they experience some amount of romantic attraction or they just find relationships appealing in some other way. that being said, there are still plenty of aros who have not and will never be in a romantic relationship. it is a spectrum.]

agender: having no gender or little relation to any gender.

aplatonic: experiencing little to no platonic attraction.

[similarly to aros and aces, apls can still form friendships if they so desire– whether its because they experience some amount of platonic attraction or they find friendships appealing in some other way.]

aroallo: combination of aromantic and allosexual– allosexual being someone who fully experiences sexual attraction. an aroallo, then, is someone who is aromantic but not asexual. aroallos often do not have a standard relationship with sex due to its romantic connotations and the stigma against loveless sex. someone having sex with someone else they do not love does not inherently make them aroallo, much in the same way that having a nonsexual relationship with a partner doesn't inherently make either participant asexual.

aroace: someone who is both aromantic and asexual. because aro and ace are both spectrums, an aroace may still experience some amount of attraction on either or both of those spectrums, or they may experience attraction of some other kind (platonic, tertiary, etc.), and that attraction may be only for a certain gender or genders– these are known as oriented aroaces.

queerplatonic relationship: a type of relationship that is defined only by the people within it. i have a post dedicated to explaining this in larger detail.

partnering: an aspec (usually aromantic) person who has and/or desires to have a partnership or multiple partnerships– romantic, queerplatonic, or otherwise.

non-partnering: an aspec (usually aromantic) person who has no desire to form a partnership of any kind.

romance/sex/plato favorable: an aspec who desires or would not reject a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship. they are also generally not particularly bothered by seeing these relationships in their day-to-day.

romance/sex/plato repulsed: an aspec who does not desire a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship and generally does not like seeing those relationships in their day-to-day. [x] repulsed people are not necessarily judgemental towards people who desire or participate in those relationships, they just do not desire them for themselves. repulsion often takes the form of discomfort or annoyance. [x] repulsed people are not necessarily cruel sticks-in-the-mud– they are perfectly capable of being respectful, and they very often are. repulsion does not always stem from trauma, though it certainly can.

romance/sex/plato positive: not to be confused with favorability, [x] positivity is the belief that romance, sex, and platonic relationships are human rights that should be supported and uplifted. someone can be [x] repulsed and [x] positive at the same time, because favorability/repulsion revolves around the self, and positivity/negativity extends to others.

sex/romance/plato negative: not to be confused with repulsion, [x] negativity is an inherently judgemental and harmful ideology. most commonly in the form of sex negativity, these ideologies are centered around the opposition to or personal judgement of people who engage in romance, sex, or platonic relationships. sex negativity in particular is embedded in western white supremacist societies and it is important for aspecs not to play into that.

those are the basics, but i have more information below the cut!

★・・・・・・★

> how are aspecs queer?

aspecs are queer because "queer" does not only mean LGBT. queer theory is about far more than just LGBT people– though they are undeniably a large part of it– queerness is any subversion of the traditional cisheteronormative standard. this includes things that cishets may take part in/identify with, because you do not have to be LGBT to subvert those standards. cishets who are gender-nonconforming are queer, for example. a good rule of thumb is that if you have to explain what you whole deal is to cishets, you're queer. queer does mean strange, after all.

traditional cisheteronormative conceptions of attraction, gender, and relationships do not account for aspecs. it is expected that everyone will one day form a traditional partnership with one other person, and that relationship will include sex (even if only for procreation, under some dogmas). virginity past a certain age is seen as a point of shame and something indicative of a larger problem in someone– in men, a red flag even. people past 30 without a relationship are pitied. our economic structure is build for couples and families– it's near impossible for someone to live comfortably alone. romance, friendship, and love are placed on a pedestal, treated as the meaning of life, the best thing anyone could ever experience. "love is the point of everything," as many posts on this site like to claim. people who reject these ideas are undeniably queer.

> i can get behind aros and aces, but the whole "aplatonic" thing feels like a stretch to me. how is not having friends queer? "platonic attraction" isn't even real.

aplatonicism is more than just "not having friends," and many apls have friends anyway, much in the same way that aros can date and aces can have sex. someone who does not have friends is not inherently aplatonic, they only are if they identify that little-to-no platonic attraction in themselves and choose to label themselves that way (just like how virgins aren't inherently asexual). still, apls who don't have friends exist, and they are all queer. what is a greater subversion of traditional cisheteronormative relationship structures than an outright rejection of what's seen as the most basic, fundamental relationship our culture has to offer?

you may not feel that platonic attraction is a distinct phenomenon in your own experience, and that's fine! ultimately, a lot of aspec terms exist for the utility and comfort of aspecs themselves. the SAM isn't for everyone, and platonic attraction isn't for everyone either. you do not have the authority to tell people what their own experiences are, nor should you care.

> i think it's sad that you're limiting yourself with these labels. you'll find someone one day!

for the broad majority of aspecs, our identities are not self-disciplinary, nor are they necessarily permanent. all queer people are capable of misunderstanding their identity or having a fluid identity– it is not a problem unique to being aspec. that being said, a lot of us may always be aspec and completely happy with it. being aspec is not a tragedy. the only thing i don't like about being aromantic is the judgement i receive from other people about it. non-partnering aspecs are not "missing out" on anything, because we don't even want the things we're rejecting in the first place. many of us are romance/sex/plato repulsed and are far more happy engaging with the world and with other people in different ways, because there is so, so much more to life than relationships, and it's wrong to presume that relationships are universally fit for everybody. telling an aspec that they'll find "the right person" one day is no different from telling a lesbian she'll find "the right man" one day. there is no "right person" for an aspec just as there's no "right man" for a lesbian. a lesbian is not "missing out" on a heterosexual relationship just because it's culturally perceived as superior and more fulfilling.

[disclaimer before anyone tries to do a "gotcha," i'm talking about a lesbian who is fully not attracted to men in any way. it's not like homophobes know the intricacies of gender identity and nonconformity as it pertains to homosexuality anyways.]

lastly, i wanna give a special shout out to the loveless aros and the relationship anarchists.

loveless aros are those who either feel little-to-no love as they understand it, or they are someone who supports the de-centering of love. they're worthy of a whole post of their own, but in summary: the loveless experience is all about finding joy in yourself and the countless things our world has to offer that are not dependent on the vague idea of love.

relationship anarchy is another concept worthy of its own post, but in essence it's an ideology aimed at abolishing the standard hierarchy of relationships (in the USA, depending on who you ask, its typically friendship < family < romantic partnership or friendship < romantic partnership < family) and allowing everyone the autonomy to define their relationships for themselves.

if i made any mistakes, let me know! and of course i'm willing to answer any questions anyone may have. :-3 thanks for reading my long ass post!

[theexhaustedqueer]

Guys, there’s a really obvious enemy here and— Oh! What a surprise!

It isn’t each other.

[thebluekid-underyourbed]

Yknow aromantic and asexual need to start being shown as two different labels more often. Cuz like we aroace people are cool and we have the power to destroy god right, but like aroallo people and alloace people are just as fucking cool.

What is this whole "one cannot exist without the other" bullshit. That kinda shit is only supposed to happen with like life and death. light and dark. peace and chaos. we don't need that, cuz we're all just pure chaos. you want peace look elsewhere, bc aro without the ace and ace without the aro is very welcome into our aro and ace spaces of madness and maniacal plotting to take over the world.

[a-confused-teen-venting]

wait people actually date because they think about being with that person for the rest of their life? like to get married and all?

[weepingfireflies]

Split Attraction Model (SAM) & More on QPRs

Edit: Thanks to @klavierpanda for correcting me! Romance-positive is supposed to be romance-favorable. I can't edit the photo right this second, but I will when I get a chance.

[remy45]

As an aspec person, I have always struggled with forming meaningful relationships, because you know, I have always wanted to have an important vincule with someone, but not in a romantic way, and in the full of amatonormativity place where I grew up, it seemed so impossible.

Everytime I started feeling something for someone, started to develop some love, I always stopped, because I knew our friendship was never going to be the first thing for them, because platonic relationships were valued so little.

That let me to a period of my life where I had numerous romantic relationships in an intent to feel loved (all of them with bad results).

I ruined a lot of friendships I had with incredible people because I started romantic relationships, because society made me think that was the solution for my loneliness.

What I want to say now, is that, dont be like me, romantic relationships are not something necessary in life, and friendships and queerplatonic relationships are unique, beautiful and can be more powerful and meaningful that any romance ever with enough work and commitment.

Fuck amatonormativity.

[contagious-watermelon]

it's kind of like insanely isolating that literally every aspec or "ace & aro" space I've found has been in actuality, solely for aces. perhaps arospec aces or aroaces who entirely prioritize their asexuality could also find company there, but even as an aromantic person who is also asexual, they're really not intended for me. so I can only imagine how isolating it must be if you're aromantic and allosexual

[1tz-4ll-m3]

No one ever talks about Queerplatonic breakups

Shit hurts 💔

[gray-ace-space]

I'm a gray-ace alloromantic with low libido and I am terrified of romantic relationships because romantic relationships come with the expectation of sex. It's not that I'm opposed to ever having sex so much as I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with any partners needs and have to have sex with them when I don't want to just to keep them happy. Or end up alone. It's all well and good saying you don't have to have sex when you're "not in the mood" if being "in the mood" is the default state for you, but some of us just aren't built like that. I don't want sex to be an act of sacrifice.

VERY RELATABLE. scarily so.

[idkeither223]

An unlabelled aspec dating show in a warm European holiday location with chill, non-pressuring challenges except a series lasts a year to allow people to see how their feelings towards others develops

[asexual-society]

positive asexual romantic experience of me and my boyfriend and both ace and i finally don't feel like there's pressure for sexual attraction and i can exist comfortably and intimately in a romantic relationship for the first time

!! this is super nice to hear, thank you for sharing!

[annabellelupin]

friendly reminder that people that are aromantic and/or asexual (and on those spectrums) are a very important part of the queer community!

the same goes for those in queerplatonic relationships, polyamorous relationships, and other types of relationships that break the typical stereotypes of a normal romantic/nonplatonic relationship!

i wish you all a very happy pride month!

[fairyblue-alchemist]

yooooooo asexual is #4 on trending right now and i've no idea why but woo! go asexuals! ace gang rise up!! 🖤🩶🤍💜

side note: despite being aromantic-asexual (going 2 scoops about it), i do not like the fact that the aromantic tag is attached to it. they are still separate communities and it should be acknowledged that you can be one but not the other

[manglednatalia]

We're relationship anarchists around here, buddy